1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,560
Speaker 1: If you are in a relationship or married, look to

2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:05,560
Speaker 1: your left for tier right wherever your partner is.

3
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,600
Speaker 2: That person will not be the same tomorrow.

4
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:20,160
Speaker 3: Dead ass. And if your spouse does not change, I'd

5
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:20,680
Speaker 3: be worried.

6
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:22,360
Speaker 2: Deadass.

7
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,639
Speaker 3: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued, and we're the Ellis's.

8
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,800
Speaker 2: You may know us from posting funny videos.

9
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,839
Speaker 3: With our voice and reading each other publicly as a

10
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:34,720
Speaker 3: form of therapy.

11
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,680
Speaker 2: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

12
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,400
Speaker 3: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

13
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,000
Speaker 2: Yes, sir, we are.

14
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,400
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

15
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,279
Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.

16
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,800
Speaker 3: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

17
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,880
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

18
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,040
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when

19
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,880
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred

20
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,840
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and I think about the truth.

21
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,600
Speaker 2: Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.

22
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,080
Speaker 3: Dead ass starts right now.

23
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:10,280
Speaker 2: Story time.

24
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:15,759
Speaker 1: So I could have picked a lot of different stories,

25
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,040
Speaker 1: a whole lot of different stories. But I want to

26
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:23,080
Speaker 1: go back to two thousand and nine. I had just

27
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:27,240
Speaker 1: got cut from the Browns and we were playing in

28
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,440
Speaker 1: the wedding. Andy K was still you know, she's believing

29
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,280
Speaker 1: to me, so, oh, you get picked up on another team.

30
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,920
Speaker 1: I looked over at K and I said, I don't

31
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:42,680
Speaker 1: want to play football no more. She said huh. I

32
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,520
Speaker 1: said I don't want to play football no more? And

33
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:48,680
Speaker 1: she said why And I was just like, I'm tired

34
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,480
Speaker 1: of doing this and it's hard to get back in

35
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:51,000
Speaker 1: the NFL.

36
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,600
Speaker 2: And she was like, what about Canada, what about Ariata?

37
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,600
Speaker 1: There's so many different options, and I was like yo,

38
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,240
Speaker 1: I said I don't want to play football anymore. Like

39
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,000
Speaker 1: I made it decision, I don't want to play And

40
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,400
Speaker 1: after about ten seconds of her looking.

41
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:08,600
Speaker 2: At me, she said, okay, so what are we doing next?

42
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,360
Speaker 1: And in that moment I realized I got a rider

43
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,560
Speaker 1: because she's not trying to hold me to what she

44
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,520
Speaker 1: thinks I should be. She's gonna rock with me no

45
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,200
Speaker 1: matter I do what I want to do or not.

46
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,080
Speaker 1: So I love you.

47
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:29,760
Speaker 3: Now. Look karaoke time, this song came to mind. We

48
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,919
Speaker 3: have two versions of it, though I'm gonna go ahead

49
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,399
Speaker 3: with the you know the way it came out.

50
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,840
Speaker 2: The fun thing is I only know the reggae version.

51
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:42,160
Speaker 3: Are you serious? It's so funny you definitely grow flat flat?

52
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,560
Speaker 3: All right, Well, I was sing the version that I

53
00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:45,280
Speaker 3: know and that you can't. Okay, go ahead, you can

54
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,640
Speaker 3: follow suit. Changes up. I ain't going through cause I

55
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,040
Speaker 3: want to be with you baby. Don't you wanna be

56
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:53,680
Speaker 3: with me?

57
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:01,760
Speaker 2: Boom boom boom?

58
00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:07,200
Speaker 3: Changes up? Because I want a baby? Baby? What you

59
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,560
Speaker 3: want to be with me?

60
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,280
Speaker 2: O operation? I don't even know, Like that's the only

61
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:15,920
Speaker 2: version I know.

62
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:16,640
Speaker 3: That's the fact.

63
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,720
Speaker 2: What's who sings the original R and B version?

64
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,320
Speaker 3: Who was that? It sounds marriage? I don't even know

65
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:23,959
Speaker 3: who sings that.

66
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,040
Speaker 2: I don't think it's married though, No it doesn't.

67
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember who it is.

68
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:33,480
Speaker 1: We aging ourselves, you know, Anita Baker. I think it's

69
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:37,800
Speaker 1: a Baker, Patty LaBelle and something wonder Mary Ji, it

70
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,080
Speaker 1: is my wy.

71
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:39,880
Speaker 2: You don't have a listen?

72
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:40,800
Speaker 3: What's the four one one?

73
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:43,360
Speaker 2: See? She don't listen? I told her married four? The

74
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,640
Speaker 2: four one one that was on the four one one.

75
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:46,760
Speaker 3: I should have known that off the top of my

76
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,560
Speaker 3: head because that was my album. That's like my all

77
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:49,640
Speaker 3: time most favorite.

78
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:50,960
Speaker 2: Mary Elmo Well, now.

79
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,480
Speaker 3: Four that was ninety two, ninety two yeah, I.

80
00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:02,200
Speaker 2: Was, what was you sixteen? We're gonna take a break

81
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,200
Speaker 2: right now, are we change?

82
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,760
Speaker 3: His spouse is sucuse that I want to see.

83
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,600
Speaker 1: We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, yeah,

84
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:09,640
Speaker 1: I'll tell you about the root time.

85
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,240
Speaker 3: But what was going through my mind when I told

86
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,080
Speaker 3: he lost his chill?

87
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:19,279
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, we're.

88
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:20,440
Speaker 3: Back, all right now?

89
00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:23,320
Speaker 2: You really thought I lost? I was like losing my mind.

90
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,240
Speaker 3: To be honest, I thought you were just in the moment,

91
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:30,440
Speaker 3: defeated by the whole NFL culture the process, not having

92
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,080
Speaker 3: real autonomy over like your future. So I'm like, Okay,

93
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,720
Speaker 3: maybe this is just not the right team for him,

94
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,480
Speaker 3: maybe he needs a new agent. Like I'm just thinking,

95
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,760
Speaker 3: because I just saw how hard you worked through college

96
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,640
Speaker 3: and then to be a walk on, you know, and

97
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,600
Speaker 3: then the Lions, like the pursuit of all of that,

98
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,279
Speaker 3: it just felt like your your path was being cut short. Yeah,

99
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,400
Speaker 3: And I felt like you had so much more to

100
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:59,080
Speaker 3: give the NFL space. There were records to be broken,

101
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:03,480
Speaker 3: there were there were touchdowns to be made. You know,

102
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,280
Speaker 3: you didn't even get a chance to make your splash

103
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,279
Speaker 3: in the NFL. And it was almost like for me,

104
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,080
Speaker 3: you weren't able to live out your redemption story. And

105
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,080
Speaker 3: I say redemption story because there were so many people

106
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,280
Speaker 3: counting you out because of your size and because of

107
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,800
Speaker 3: who you were stacked against. You know, people who were

108
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,719
Speaker 3: being drafted in when you were there busting your ass

109
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,760
Speaker 3: every day. So I just felt like I wanted, like

110
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,720
Speaker 3: one good season for you to freak killed it and

111
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,040
Speaker 3: then you move on to the next thing. I just

112
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,480
Speaker 3: feel like your NFL career, you didn't get to really

113
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,919
Speaker 3: give it your all, but it was really only because

114
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,919
Speaker 3: of other people's decisions, not your lack of hard work.

115
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,160
Speaker 3: So as long as you felt content like you had

116
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,719
Speaker 3: given it your all and you didn't feel like you

117
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,760
Speaker 3: were cheating yourself, then I was okay with you moving

118
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,080
Speaker 3: on from that because I was going to support you

119
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,440
Speaker 3: whichever which way you went. So when I met you,

120
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,640
Speaker 3: the NFL and you playing football was never get an

121
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,360
Speaker 3: idea in my mind. So I'm like, all right, well

122
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,560
Speaker 3: that was just the added bonus.

123
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:59,080
Speaker 1: I'll be honest about that. The NFL was never my dream.

124
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,039
Speaker 1: Like I was content after college being an All American

125
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:06,120
Speaker 1: and breaking records and being the first receiver to have

126
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,040
Speaker 1: seventy five catches two years in a row, two thousand

127
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,680
Speaker 1: yards over two years and twenty touchdowns. Like I was

128
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,760
Speaker 1: content with football because I always wanted to be in entertainment.

129
00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:17,679
Speaker 3: Yeah, I wanted those stats for you in the NFL.

130
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:18,880
Speaker 3: I wanted you to be like, yo, I did this,

131
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,640
Speaker 3: I made that, and spending yards that many.

132
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,560
Speaker 1: But you know, no, I feel you. I feel you

133
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,400
Speaker 1: because you see me work so hard to get there.

134
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,680
Speaker 1: But I never saw myself at any point saying like

135
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,200
Speaker 1: I want to win the Super Bowl, I want to

136
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,520
Speaker 1: be an all pro. It was always a means to

137
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,760
Speaker 1: an end. My only goal in the NFL was to

138
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,520
Speaker 1: make enough money so that I didn't have to be

139
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,200
Speaker 1: a starving artist. Once I achieved that, I also feel

140
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,599
Speaker 1: like I lost some reason to play.

141
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,760
Speaker 2: So that's why it was easy for me to just

142
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:44,960
Speaker 2: walk away, because I knew.

143
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,400
Speaker 1: It's different when you're getting up and you're a walk

144
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,599
Speaker 1: on in college and you got that chip on your shoulder.

145
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,279
Speaker 1: You're getting up extra early to beat everybody, the workouts,

146
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,479
Speaker 1: to get extra working. You know, when you get to

147
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,119
Speaker 1: the NFL and you're a free agent, tryout, you getting

148
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,400
Speaker 1: there early to it proved to people that you made

149
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,080
Speaker 1: it and all that stuff.

150
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:02,840
Speaker 2: But then you make it.

151
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,240
Speaker 1: And then I only wanted to make a practice squad

152
00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,119
Speaker 1: to make one hundred K to buy as a house,

153
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,440
Speaker 1: and I ended up making a two hundred and seventy

154
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,760
Speaker 1: five K because I made the team. So I made it.

155
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,000
Speaker 1: In my second year, I made the team again. You

156
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,800
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. I got hurt, which kind of

157
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,000
Speaker 1: like I think in my second year, if I didn't

158
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,640
Speaker 1: tear my meniscus and my btell attendon, my career would

159
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:26,040
Speaker 1: have been different because I had the momentum from being

160
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,360
Speaker 1: a free agent rookie that that was carrying me through

161
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,960
Speaker 1: my second season. But also that work ethic and the

162
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,160
Speaker 1: intensity that I put into training is how I got

163
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,760
Speaker 1: hurt because I never rested for two and a half

164
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,840
Speaker 1: years and I ended up tearing my knee. But once

165
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,560
Speaker 1: I did tear my knee, that created the perspective of

166
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,880
Speaker 1: what I really wanted to do. Because when you love

167
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,240
Speaker 1: football so much and that's all you want to do,

168
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,440
Speaker 1: nothing is stopping you from doing that. But when you

169
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,960
Speaker 1: can't play football and you don't miss it, and now

170
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,600
Speaker 1: you have to go back to that routine and there's

171
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,360
Speaker 1: other things you want to do. I wasn't able to

172
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,120
Speaker 1: put in a type of work to make those teams

173
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,720
Speaker 1: the way those other men were like, that's just the bottom.

174
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,840
Speaker 3: Line, because for them that was the that was their passion. Yeah,

175
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,760
Speaker 3: and it wasn't for you. And once I realized that too,

176
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,720
Speaker 3: that's why I'm like, you know, for me, it was

177
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,000
Speaker 3: never about the NFL or whatever money it would have

178
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,120
Speaker 3: provided or stability. It had done what it was it

179
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,240
Speaker 3: needed to do for us. It did give a nice

180
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,200
Speaker 3: little nest egg for the beginning. You know, of course

181
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,160
Speaker 3: that was we were heartbroken when the stock market and

182
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,960
Speaker 3: the recession hit and everything crashed. All that money you

183
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,920
Speaker 3: invested was lost, But it was just part of your story.

184
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,920
Speaker 3: You know, nothing ever came easy to you, so you

185
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:36,160
Speaker 3: changing paths. The one thing I did have was confidence

186
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,920
Speaker 3: in you that whatever the next thing was all right.

187
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,080
Speaker 1: Because we hear so many women talk about supporting men

188
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,800
Speaker 1: only having potential. To look at, how were you able

189
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:56,600
Speaker 1: to stay so like steadfast and unyielding in your support

190
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,760
Speaker 1: when all you really had to go off of was

191
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,360
Speaker 1: my potential. It wasn't like I had a bunch of

192
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,240
Speaker 1: contacts in TV or starting training businesses that you knew, Like,

193
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,960
Speaker 1: how were you able to just be like, you know what,

194
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to support him no matter what it is,

195
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,480
Speaker 1: because so many women talk about the horror stories of

196
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,719
Speaker 1: trying to support someone through their own vision that they

197
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,840
Speaker 1: claim is their vision and nothing happens.

198
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,240
Speaker 2: Right, How did you do that? Yeah?

199
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,320
Speaker 3: I guess because I was able to watch you through

200
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,679
Speaker 3: all of college just having that burning desire. There was

201
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,600
Speaker 3: something in your eye. There was the way you spoke

202
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,840
Speaker 3: about things. There was the plan and course of actions

203
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,280
Speaker 3: that you took. It's always having the plan A and

204
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,640
Speaker 3: not really a plan B. But just like yo, in

205
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:40,040
Speaker 3: the event that I needed to pivot, I could, and

206
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,319
Speaker 3: watching you make the team in college, well when I

207
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,360
Speaker 3: got there, you already made the team, but just really

208
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,400
Speaker 3: fighting for your place, working hard them six am runs

209
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,040
Speaker 3: that you would get up for, and I'm just like, wow,

210
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,760
Speaker 3: he really is relentless in his pursuit of being the

211
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,360
Speaker 3: best football player in this moment. And then your path

212
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:01,280
Speaker 3: to the NFL, seeing how you worked through that, I mean,

213
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,400
Speaker 3: you had the mental fortitude that I hadn't seen in anybody,

214
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,960
Speaker 3: no pair of mine had that. So I was like, man,

215
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,640
Speaker 3: anything he says he's gonna do, he's gonna put his

216
00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:11,520
Speaker 3: mind too. Because I know I was the same way,

217
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,079
Speaker 3: so it was interesting for me to find somebody who

218
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,600
Speaker 3: I felt like, wow, really matched my intensity with wanting

219
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,480
Speaker 3: to be successful and wanting to say I'm going to

220
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,840
Speaker 3: do this and actually doing it. That was enough for

221
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,600
Speaker 3: me to say, oh, whatever it is he want to do,

222
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,280
Speaker 3: and then of course feeling like we were greater together.

223
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,800
Speaker 3: And it could have been part delusion too, because I

224
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,480
Speaker 3: was just so in love with you, and I was like, yeah,

225
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,480
Speaker 3: it was in part delusion because I'm like, at that age,

226
00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:40,480
Speaker 3: you think you're invincible, you think your husband's invincible. Your

227
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,800
Speaker 3: boyfriend at the time is invisible. So to me it

228
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,840
Speaker 3: was like, all right, well we're all figure it out

229
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,680
Speaker 3: either way. But knowing that I can see those little

230
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,400
Speaker 3: ten bits of you, like it was easy for you

231
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,800
Speaker 3: to be like fuck it, I'm not gonna get up

232
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,680
Speaker 3: and go to run this morning. Oh okay, don't worry

233
00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:54,880
Speaker 3: about it. I'm just say here, I'm not going to

234
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,280
Speaker 3: go to a study hall or whatever. Like you really

235
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,199
Speaker 3: were about your business from a young age. So I

236
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,320
Speaker 3: think it was part seeing that in part freaking just

237
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,320
Speaker 3: being insanely in love with you and being like we

238
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,839
Speaker 3: can tackle whatever it is.

239
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,120
Speaker 1: You just gave me my moment of truth, which is

240
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:13,880
Speaker 1: crazy because yeah, because everything you said describing me was

241
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,640
Speaker 1: literally how I felt with you, right. And part of

242
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,760
Speaker 1: the reason why I was able to to make pivots

243
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:25,520
Speaker 1: or changes comfortably was because I knew I had a

244
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,360
Speaker 1: woman that if.

245
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,040
Speaker 2: Shit hit the fan, K can go, Earn, K can go.

246
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,920
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like k K does this,

247
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,040
Speaker 1: Like she's she's a worker, you know, Like I watched

248
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,560
Speaker 1: you all of college graduate with honors and be the

249
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,560
Speaker 1: best RA then a D, then RD like you want

250
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,760
Speaker 1: RA the year, A D of the year, r D

251
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:45,520
Speaker 1: of the year you.

252
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:46,360
Speaker 2: Got your scholarship.

253
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,720
Speaker 1: So I just knew that whatever it is that you

254
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,800
Speaker 1: wanted to do, you were going to achieve it, no

255
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:55,480
Speaker 1: matter how difficult it may seem. So I don't want

256
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,160
Speaker 1: to give away my moment of truth, but it was

257
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,920
Speaker 1: in part just using discernment to pick the right part

258
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,520
Speaker 1: that I just know, whatever changes are going to come,

259
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,120
Speaker 1: I can weather right through that change because she's going

260
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,440
Speaker 1: to be successful because I've watched her work. It's like

261
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,400
Speaker 1: faith without works is dead, right, I watched you work.

262
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,480
Speaker 1: You don't just say it, you actually do it right,

263
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:16,719
Speaker 1: you know, So And.

264
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,920
Speaker 3: Call it a level of delusion or a level of

265
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,000
Speaker 3: faith that we had in each other. It's like at

266
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,240
Speaker 3: that age, I don't know what was. So that's what

267
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,120
Speaker 3: a lot of this for me feels like, this was

268
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,400
Speaker 3: just like a divine connection that we had, because who

269
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,559
Speaker 3: would think that we really were that invested in each

270
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,760
Speaker 3: other at that age to just really still be so

271
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,760
Speaker 3: dedicated to each other at a young age and just

272
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,600
Speaker 3: work together, you know. So that's why I don't shun

273
00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:43,720
Speaker 3: couples now who look at us and they come to

274
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,520
Speaker 3: our live shows and they're like, oh, we're twenty one

275
00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:49,040
Speaker 3: and twenty three or we're done, and we look at

276
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,600
Speaker 3: them like, oh, y'all are babies and y'all have time.

277
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,120
Speaker 3: But you remember, people told us the same thing. They

278
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,840
Speaker 3: told us the same thing. And I think the comfort

279
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,000
Speaker 3: as we're talking about change and supporting your spouse through

280
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,280
Speaker 3: change today, the comfort that I had is regardless of

281
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,240
Speaker 3: the change that we were going through, A, we had

282
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,160
Speaker 3: each other. B We had a plan, see, we had

283
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,480
Speaker 3: the work ethic that we put into motion to make

284
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,680
Speaker 3: it happen, and then ultimately we felt like if it

285
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,960
Speaker 3: didn't work out, we had each other and wanting to

286
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,079
Speaker 3: change and wanting to grow and having dreams and goals

287
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,440
Speaker 3: and like seeing it and then working towards it. That's

288
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,640
Speaker 3: the change you want. Like I said in my sound

289
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,080
Speaker 3: by earlier, if your spouse is not mean to change,

290
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,640
Speaker 3: then what exactly are we doing here?

291
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:35,120
Speaker 2: This is?

292
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,440
Speaker 1: This is I understand what you're saying, but this I

293
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,720
Speaker 1: want to I want to bring out an important point though,

294
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,960
Speaker 1: because a lot of times in relationships, the idea that

295
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,760
Speaker 1: the part that your partner is changing often projects itself

296
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,960
Speaker 1: as if you're not doing something, so your partner has

297
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:50,480
Speaker 1: to change.

298
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,760
Speaker 3: I like like a negative, right, and a negative like.

299
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,920
Speaker 1: I like who you are right now, So if you

300
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,440
Speaker 1: choose to do something different, something is wrong with me

301
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,280
Speaker 1: because I liked who you were then, and I want

302
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,160
Speaker 1: people to understand that that's not always the case.

303
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:02,400
Speaker 2: Right.

304
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,360
Speaker 1: If we look at these facts and status, it says

305
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,800
Speaker 1: some factors that can contribute to changes in behavior and

306
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:11,720
Speaker 1: personality include influence of the partner getting comfortable, and loss

307
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:16,160
Speaker 1: based events. Research shows that relationship changes are associated with

308
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:20,240
Speaker 1: changes in personality and life satisfaction. I want to stop

309
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:25,160
Speaker 1: there at life satisfaction, right. I watched people our age

310
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,840
Speaker 1: as we are both now on the fourth floor.

311
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,520
Speaker 3: It's so far.

312
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,200
Speaker 2: It is though, it is hit though.

313
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,960
Speaker 1: You get to a point in your life after I

314
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:43,640
Speaker 1: would say twenty five where everything you thought was important

315
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,840
Speaker 1: is not important. As we continue this, I guess that

316
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:50,040
Speaker 1: for me, this whole season is going to be dedicated

317
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,800
Speaker 1: to perception versus reality. Right where Force fed so much

318
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:59,960
Speaker 1: information between birth to twenty right because your parents curate

319
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:04,080
Speaker 1: what your life looks like, your friends curated, your educators.

320
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,760
Speaker 1: Everyone is giving you their ideas and opinions of what

321
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,400
Speaker 1: life is supposed to be. Once you get to about

322
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,800
Speaker 1: twenty and you leave the home and now you're in

323
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,080
Speaker 1: college or you're working in the workforce, and you're starting

324
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,360
Speaker 1: to travel a little bit further than your front porch,

325
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,360
Speaker 1: you start to develop your own perspective of the world.

326
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,240
Speaker 1: And if you happen to meet someone while you're going

327
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,120
Speaker 1: through this perspective change, that person is going to meet

328
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,720
Speaker 1: you in that moment, not realizing that you're ever so evolving,

329
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,240
Speaker 1: because as you live life.

330
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,480
Speaker 2: Your perspective changes.

331
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,960
Speaker 1: But that person often says, man, I met this person

332
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,200
Speaker 1: right here, and I love that person that right here.

333
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,400
Speaker 1: So as that person changes, and then you're just like, well,

334
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:44,560
Speaker 1: I don't like to do this no more. And it's

335
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,960
Speaker 1: just like, what you mean, you're changing? It's something wrong

336
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,120
Speaker 1: with me? Is it's something I didn't do. It has

337
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:54,200
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you at all. That person is evolving.

338
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,080
Speaker 1: And now we're at forty. I see the world so

339
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,880
Speaker 1: differently than I did at thirty eight. I see it

340
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,960
Speaker 1: differently than I did it thirty five. I see it

341
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,560
Speaker 1: differently than I did it twenty five. And I'm thinking

342
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,480
Speaker 1: to myself now, like, man, imagine if I had the

343
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,160
Speaker 1: type of wife who was just like nope, and I

344
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,320
Speaker 1: used fictional characters because it's easy because you don't have

345
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,480
Speaker 1: to blow anybody spot up.

346
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:20,120
Speaker 2: But think about Tasha and Ghost in Power, Okay, all right?

347
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:20,680
Speaker 3: And he.

348
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,120
Speaker 1: Wanted to evolve. He's like, I don't want to be

349
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,120
Speaker 1: in this game no more. I want to be able

350
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,360
Speaker 1: to and she was like, no, I want you to

351
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,280
Speaker 1: be the biggest drug.

352
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,160
Speaker 2: They that's the man who I love, right, And it's

353
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,240
Speaker 2: like wow or nothing.

354
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:38,000
Speaker 1: They kid they can, which is a tragedy in itself crazy.

355
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:42,440
Speaker 1: It actually is a perfect example of someone being satisfied

356
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,600
Speaker 1: with their life so they don't want anything to change

357
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,840
Speaker 1: around them, but the spouse is like, I'm not satisfied.

358
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:54,520
Speaker 3: I know another couple who's the same exact situation, and

359
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,520
Speaker 3: it's funny because it's not even that so the husband,

360
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,640
Speaker 3: So I'm gonna say husband and wife. So the wife

361
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:04,200
Speaker 3: met the husband when she was young. She didn't have much,

362
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:08,119
Speaker 3: a very very sheltered view of the world, and he,

363
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,960
Speaker 3: being a little older than her, was able to expose

364
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,639
Speaker 3: her to a couple of different things and opportunities and

365
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,159
Speaker 3: she's like, oh wow, there's life out here, right, So

366
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,800
Speaker 3: then she got a taste of what life could be

367
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,080
Speaker 3: like if I do a little more. So she started

368
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,040
Speaker 3: doing a little more. And then she started doing a

369
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,000
Speaker 3: little more, and then to the point where she's doing

370
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:28,040
Speaker 3: now to him the most, and he now regrets that

371
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,679
Speaker 3: I've introduced you to more because now you're doing the

372
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,960
Speaker 3: most when I was just satisfied with the least that

373
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,840
Speaker 3: I exposed you to. So it's not even now that

374
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:41,160
Speaker 3: he's looking at her like me. She's just outgrown him,

375
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,959
Speaker 3: And that's where some of the resentment lies, because she's like,

376
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,280
Speaker 3: I want more. We're doing, like why can't we do more?

377
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,640
Speaker 3: And he's like, you're a completely different person that I met.

378
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:55,560
Speaker 3: You met a sheltered, more reserved, more meek young lady

379
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,840
Speaker 3: who that's why you liked her. But now she's more

380
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:02,480
Speaker 3: outspoken and she a chief things. She's like, I've seen

381
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,680
Speaker 3: more life, There's more out there. Why don't you want more?

382
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,560
Speaker 3: You know? And it's like, no one's wrong necessarily in

383
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:11,680
Speaker 3: that dynamic. But it's sometimes hard for people to support

384
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,080
Speaker 3: a spouse through change because the change, like you said,

385
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,600
Speaker 3: alters their reality.

386
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,359
Speaker 1: You just you know, it's funny whomen we talk about

387
00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:24,160
Speaker 1: this being therapy for us. I've seen how we've both

388
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,720
Speaker 1: done that for each other.

389
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:26,680
Speaker 2: Right.

390
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,679
Speaker 1: I gave an analogy to one of my homies, Robed Davon.

391
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:30,760
Speaker 1: Shout out to my boy.

392
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:38,879
Speaker 3: Rob Robert, Robert meerkats cats inside joke, but we were

393
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,800
Speaker 3: talking about people having windows in their room.

394
00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:43,680
Speaker 2: Right, So I made up this whole analogy. Just stick

395
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,440
Speaker 2: with me. But two kids are born in prison, right,

396
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:49,360
Speaker 2: Two kids are born.

397
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,000
Speaker 3: In prison, born within the prison, born with.

398
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,920
Speaker 2: In the prison in an actual prison.

399
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,600
Speaker 1: Right. Okay, So they grew up in life, they each

400
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,359
Speaker 1: had their own self, right, and in those selves, the

401
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,679
Speaker 1: only time they could either see each other was when

402
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,919
Speaker 1: they went out into the prison in the common areas

403
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,240
Speaker 1: and they started talking, right, so they started talking and

404
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,040
Speaker 1: you know, they say, hey, you in the prison, what

405
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,320
Speaker 1: do you want to do when you grow up? And

406
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,960
Speaker 1: the one guy was just like, I don't know. At

407
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,840
Speaker 1: some point I guess I'd be a prison guard because

408
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,520
Speaker 1: they're the ones who have controlling here. And another one

409
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,960
Speaker 1: was just like, prison prison guard, I'm getting the fuck

410
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,399
Speaker 1: up out of here. And then the one kid was like,

411
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,200
Speaker 1: what you mean you getting about of here? Like you

412
00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:30,480
Speaker 1: sound crazy? Like this is what life is. They had

413
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,160
Speaker 1: an argument. They go back into their rooms. The one

414
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,800
Speaker 1: kid who said he wanted to be a prison guard

415
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,800
Speaker 1: he had just to sell, right, just to sell nothing.

416
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:43,719
Speaker 1: The other guy had a window in his room.

417
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:44,720
Speaker 2: So even though.

418
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,720
Speaker 1: Their life every day was exactly the same, same regiment,

419
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,280
Speaker 1: they saw the same people. His perspective was different because

420
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,600
Speaker 1: he had a window. So since he could see that

421
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,639
Speaker 1: there was outside, he knew there was more more. What

422
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,439
Speaker 1: happens when you have a window in your room and

423
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,960
Speaker 1: you're able to share with someone who doesn't have a window,

424
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,320
Speaker 1: you change their perspective. And sometimes if you can change

425
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,120
Speaker 1: someone's perspective and they go when they travel, they can

426
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,240
Speaker 1: bring you up and now change your perspective and a

427
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,840
Speaker 1: lot of ways you and I have done that for

428
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,000
Speaker 1: each other because we were both both very sheltered.

429
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,280
Speaker 3: Yes, growing up definitely, And.

430
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:17,960
Speaker 1: It was like there were ways that you showed me

431
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,639
Speaker 1: different things, like I didn't travel that much out of

432
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,879
Speaker 1: the country, and now you can't stop me from wanting

433
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:25,760
Speaker 1: to go someplace.

434
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,000
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.

435
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,600
Speaker 1: There are different lifestyles. I, since I was able to

436
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,320
Speaker 1: make money at a younger age, was able to show

437
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,560
Speaker 1: you how to travel differently. And now you like, oh

438
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,720
Speaker 1: we can go first class, were going to private jet,

439
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:39,919
Speaker 1: we can get a yacht, you.

440
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:40,480
Speaker 2: Know what I'm saying.

441
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,760
Speaker 1: And now it's like you exposed me to travel in

442
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,719
Speaker 1: and now I exposed you how I like to travel,

443
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,320
Speaker 1: and now you want to travel like that.

444
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,920
Speaker 2: And it's like we keep showing each other windows.

445
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,000
Speaker 3: Windows, and we keep changing.

446
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,560
Speaker 1: And I want to implore couples to not look at

447
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:58,399
Speaker 1: change in your spouse as a reflection of you not

448
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:03,000
Speaker 1: being enough, but just look at it as man I

449
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,280
Speaker 1: opened up a window, the window to my spouse so

450
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,400
Speaker 1: that that person can see more, and just be like, yo,

451
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:10,000
Speaker 1: take me with.

452
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,320
Speaker 3: You, and you can blow that joint together and run

453
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,359
Speaker 3: off into the subset. But you see what I'm saying

454
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,760
Speaker 3: this is a really good analogy. Listening to you talk

455
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,120
Speaker 3: really made me take enogy. But look at us opening

456
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,480
Speaker 3: windows here during this conversation.

457
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:21,880
Speaker 2: No, seriously, Like.

458
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,240
Speaker 1: Having a conversation really made me think about it, Like

459
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,000
Speaker 1: when you have changed, when your spouse is beginning to change,

460
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,680
Speaker 1: that should be a positive sign that evolution is happening.

461
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,360
Speaker 1: And start asking questions. Well rather than being like why

462
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 1: are you changing? Why don't you do this? Be like

463
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:36,639
Speaker 1: whoa what? What sparked this change?

464
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 3: Right?

465
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,440
Speaker 2: Try to get an understanding of what that change is

466
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,080
Speaker 2: and see if you can be involved in that change

467
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:43,480
Speaker 2: because you don't know how that's going to open up

468
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,280
Speaker 2: a window when you're mad.

469
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,119
Speaker 3: That's true because it could be exciting, Like it doesn't

470
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 3: have to like complacency for a lot of people is comfortable, yes, right,

471
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 3: but for others it's not. Complacency is like what's next?

472
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:56,440
Speaker 3: I need to keep moving, So keep opening each other's

473
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,040
Speaker 3: windows up, y'all. That's such a great analogy. And this

474
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,919
Speaker 3: is literally how to valoce and be talking to like

475
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 3: without Mike's, without cameras, without her crew, Like this is

476
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,920
Speaker 3: like a random conversation over dinner. Whatno, no, It.

477
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:07,960
Speaker 2: Really gave me an epiphany.

478
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 1: Like I went to look at some of these tips,

479
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 1: but like even some of these tips, it says, communicate,

480
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:15,040
Speaker 1: ask your partner for their views on things, and communicate

481
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 1: about changes. Right, I haven't read these, but that's what

482
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,280
Speaker 1: we just talked about. Be empathetic. Try to understand your

483
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,440
Speaker 1: partner's perspective. We talked about that show support. Let your

484
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,680
Speaker 1: partner know you care about them and that you support

485
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 1: them when they are down.

486
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,960
Speaker 3: That's something devas that you want to retire. I'm all right,

487
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,480
Speaker 3: So literally, what we gotta do? What we're doing.

488
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 1: It says create shared experiences, go for a walk, cook together,

489
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,359
Speaker 1: or try to share something they like.

490
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:39,879
Speaker 2: Yep.

491
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 3: Travel you've been trying to get me downstairs to play

492
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:47,359
Speaker 3: pool some days. You know, I'm watching movies together. I

493
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,200
Speaker 3: was never a big movie buff. Now you can't get

494
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,320
Speaker 3: me out and not watch the movie.

495
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,960
Speaker 1: You know what's funny? Yep, I just can't. I have

496
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,240
Speaker 1: a whole like the windows opening right now. Okay, but

497
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:02,760
Speaker 1: even on my moment of truth, why do people say

498
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:07,880
Speaker 1: marriage is important in general because.

499
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,480
Speaker 3: You have a companions.

500
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: There's this whole thing about marriage. If a man doesn't

501
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,400
Speaker 1: bring this to the table, he's worthless. If a woman

502
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,880
Speaker 1: doesn't bring this to the table, she's worthless. I'm gonna

503
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,960
Speaker 1: tell you how full of shit all of that is. Right,

504
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 1: As from a man's perspective, if women are chasing.

505
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:27,480
Speaker 2: High value men, high value men are.

506
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,240
Speaker 1: Just men who make a certain amount of money, believe

507
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,560
Speaker 1: in God, take care of themselves, blah blah blah. There

508
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,680
Speaker 1: is nothing a woman can do for that man that

509
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,359
Speaker 1: he can't pay someone to do, which means whatever she's

510
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 1: bringing to him has to be deep more than that.

511
00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:43,520
Speaker 1: And just she can cook, she can clean, she fucks,

512
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,959
Speaker 1: she's pretty. Because he can get all of that, he's

513
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,959
Speaker 1: a high he can get all of that free. Do

514
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,879
Speaker 1: you know what it is a woman can bring to

515
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: a man other than just nurture and like nursing him

516
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:58,520
Speaker 1: opening his mind to evolution? Seriously, because if you, as

517
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,879
Speaker 1: a woman, can make this man something further and create

518
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 1: more and do more, all he's going to do is

519
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 1: grow and to be a better version of the man

520
00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 1: he already is.

521
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:06,960
Speaker 2: Now.

522
00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:09,679
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true. That's that's literally us like and.

523
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,600
Speaker 2: That's right same you want to high value woman.

524
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,400
Speaker 1: Right, If a high value woman says I got degrees,

525
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 1: I earn my own money.

526
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:19,000
Speaker 2: I stay in shape. I do.

527
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,000
Speaker 1: There's nothing that a man can do for that woman

528
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,439
Speaker 1: that she can't pay for herself. Right, she's if she

529
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,199
Speaker 1: got five degrees, she is a high earner and she

530
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 1: don't property, so then she don't need a man for protection.

531
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,760
Speaker 1: She can hire a security service. She don't got to

532
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,240
Speaker 1: cook and clean. She already stays in shape. If she

533
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 1: want to fuck, she can find a young boy that

534
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,840
Speaker 1: she can just be like, Yo, I'll take you to

535
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,399
Speaker 1: buy some ps fives and you can come by the house.

536
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,239
Speaker 2: When you come by the house, we can fuck. Like

537
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 2: I'm just being honest.

538
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:53,200
Speaker 1: A high value woman does not need anything but her

539
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:57,479
Speaker 1: mind expanded. And that's why marriage is so important. You

540
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,879
Speaker 1: have two different perspectives, and the further apart the perspectives,

541
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,919
Speaker 1: if these two people are working in synergies to be together,

542
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:07,719
Speaker 1: the greater the windows because now her perspective is so

543
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 1: different from his perspective.

544
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 3: The rules that can be so much kitty and the

545
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,480
Speaker 3: uniqueness and them, you know, really, just oh, that's that's

546
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:15,000
Speaker 3: a good one.

547
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,320
Speaker 1: It just it just hit me why change is so

548
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:20,199
Speaker 1: important in marriage and how it broadens the horizons and

549
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 1: opens up the windows and changes the perspective in talking.

550
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 1: This is why talking to someone who has a different

551
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 1: perspective is important because when you started talking, it hit me, right, Oh,

552
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 1: I ain't think about that.

553
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,440
Speaker 3: That's just like a human thing in general, because it's like, okay,

554
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 3: one human being. Because this is like thinking about same

555
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,800
Speaker 3: sex couples, for example, one just may have a completely

556
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,520
Speaker 3: different perspective than the other. Yes, So it's like if

557
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 3: you're bringing something that things that are so different, but

558
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:49,600
Speaker 3: you guys united in similarities. That's really just another way

559
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:54,040
Speaker 3: to further expand on how the relationship can grow deeper.

560
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,879
Speaker 3: You're then empowered to go out into the world and

561
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 3: conquer and achieve and do all the things that you

562
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 3: want to do. Like that's literally you're right, that's what

563
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:01,880
Speaker 3: we do.

564
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,919
Speaker 1: That's what we do, is you know we do, And

565
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:08,399
Speaker 1: that's why marriage is so important. That's why friendships and relationships.

566
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,640
Speaker 3: Are so Friendships are the same thing, right.

567
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:14,159
Speaker 1: Stop Stop looking for friends that all just believe the

568
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,880
Speaker 1: same things you believe. Stop looking for friends who live

569
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,560
Speaker 1: the same exact lifestyle you live, because then if everybody

570
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,679
Speaker 1: has the same amount of windows in their room, no

571
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:27,000
Speaker 1: one can teach anybody anything that's true, and that's why

572
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,679
Speaker 1: it's important to look for changing your spouse because if

573
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 1: your spouse has changed stayed the same ten, fifteen, twenty years,

574
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,840
Speaker 1: if they haven't grown, that means that they haven't even

575
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:37,920
Speaker 1: pushed you to grow. And you have to start looking

576
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 1: at yourself like, damn, am I in the same spot

577
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:44,200
Speaker 1: for fifteen years doing it? Because and it does matter

578
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,280
Speaker 1: how much money you have. Growth it doesn't only.

579
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 2: Mean economics, No, sure doesn't mean economics. It's like you

580
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,359
Speaker 2: could be a billionaire.

581
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,440
Speaker 1: Say you was born into money, he's born into money,

582
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 1: and you marry a woman who was born into money.

583
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 1: Y'all got all the money in the world. Ll y'all

584
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 1: do a city of your house and yaya and do

585
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:02,360
Speaker 1: the same things.

586
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 2: It was growth there.

587
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,639
Speaker 1: Yeah, you've died accomplishing nothing and bringing nothing to humanity

588
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,320
Speaker 1: or bringing anything to each other.

589
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,520
Speaker 3: Yeah. I'm still on the friendship portion of it too,

590
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,800
Speaker 3: because I think about how important this is when we

591
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 3: talk about the friendships that we choose to engage in

592
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,480
Speaker 3: and then sometimes letting those friendships grow a go sorry

593
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 3: because A it's not sharing the similar similarities also too,

594
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,640
Speaker 3: as hard as friends when you grow past your friends

595
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 3: and you change, then you it kind of catapults you

596
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,600
Speaker 3: into a different realment like that, Yeah, you're in a

597
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,320
Speaker 3: different friend group, and it's just like, damn, like the

598
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 3: people who I used to be friends with, the people

599
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,359
Speaker 3: who I used to you know, be in the group

600
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 3: chat with, chopping it up about random things like we

601
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,040
Speaker 3: don't even have things in common anymore because their windows

602
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 3: are not open, right, that is the truth they have

603
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:51,240
Speaker 3: any And even if I do say, hey, come in

604
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,439
Speaker 3: my room and look through my window, there has to

605
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:58,440
Speaker 3: be something innate to make them want to make that move,

606
00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 3: you know, particular with friendship.

607
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 1: No, You're absolutely right, because some people can't see a

608
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,400
Speaker 1: window and then just be like, I'm not interested. I'm

609
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,959
Speaker 1: happy where I am, and understanding that that's okay too, right, right, right,

610
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,959
Speaker 1: even if you do have a spouse who was just

611
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: like my spouse is not interested in changing at all,

612
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 1: finding empathy and being okay with the fact that cool

613
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 1: you can do that. I want to change, you know

614
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Also understanding that change scares people. You

615
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:29,920
Speaker 1: show somebody a window, I think it was, was it

616
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,720
Speaker 1: Sojourner truth or Harriet Tubman truth?

617
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 3: Came up the other day too with us, and he

618
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 3: was like.

619
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 1: You said something wild about Sojournal Truth, and yo, I

620
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 1: don't think it.

621
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 3: Was the Journal Truth. I was trying to say. I

622
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 3: was trying to say somebody else that says the Journal

623
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 3: Truth by accident.

624
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:44,400
Speaker 2: Yeah you did.

625
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 1: But it was something crazy though, Like it was something

626
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: It was something with pop culture.

627
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 2: And he was like who said that? He was like,

628
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:49,560
Speaker 2: what was it? The Journal Truth?

629
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,520
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, in the fourteen hundreds, Like

630
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: the fuck is you're talking about?

631
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,560
Speaker 3: You about something that I can't remember that right now?

632
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: Butt ahead, I think it was Harriet Tubman said I

633
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:07,960
Speaker 1: freed thousands of slaves, and I would have freed thousands

634
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:10,400
Speaker 1: more if they knew they were slaves. Yes, the truth

635
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,880
Speaker 1: of the matter is a lot of us are enslaved mentally,

636
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 1: and the idea of change scares us. So we'd rather

637
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 1: stay in whatever circumstance we are in. Because they'll also

638
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,200
Speaker 1: say this, the devil I know is better than the

639
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:25,040
Speaker 1: devil I don't.

640
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,080
Speaker 3: That's a fact. You know what I'm saying, to pay

641
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:31,240
Speaker 3: yourselves for mental slavery, men, but ourselves can free our minds.

642
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 2: You know this.

643
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:39,080
Speaker 1: This round of podcasts all have the similar message.

644
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 2: Perspective versus reality.

645
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:43,800
Speaker 3: Challenging thing that's been happening for us.

646
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 2: I think it's because that's what it is.

647
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 3: Because so we give y'all the cheat code. So all

648
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 3: of my people listening who are in there, like late teens,

649
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,760
Speaker 3: early twenties, thirties, like we're trying to get y'all to

650
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,760
Speaker 3: be trying to put you onto game from early from

651
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 3: now to be like, guys, this is what you look

652
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 3: forward to, because think about it. We had recently said,

653
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 3: you said, I can see why my godfather, for example,

654
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,840
Speaker 3: Uncle Frank moves the way he moves because he's in

655
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,280
Speaker 3: his sixties and he doesn't see all of this already.

656
00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 3: So when you see older men and women who are

657
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:20,560
Speaker 3: they're unbothered. They're not worried about the riff raff. Who

658
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,760
Speaker 3: do we say more recently, oh, Denzel, was it that

659
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:25,040
Speaker 3: he just be chiling? He mind his business? States is

660
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 3: because he's seen all of this already. He's not getting

661
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 3: were like at this age in life, they're not getting

662
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 3: involved in all of the heat shady. They're gonna sit

663
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:37,760
Speaker 3: by their window, look out their window and like the

664
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,479
Speaker 3: view from where they're at, y'all can stay over here

665
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:40,960
Speaker 3: in prison.

666
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:43,520
Speaker 2: Let's take a break.

667
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 3: Let's take a break.

668
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,000
Speaker 2: That's some windows we can look out of in the bedroom.

669
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 3: How did we get here?

670
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:04,040
Speaker 2: And we're back?

671
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 3: All right.

672
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:07,720
Speaker 1: There's a lot of times that podcast went in a

673
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,000
Speaker 1: completely different because of the epiphany.

674
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 2: But that's also God working because we're talking.

675
00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,040
Speaker 1: About trying to curate ways to talk to people, and

676
00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:17,840
Speaker 1: then God gives you a message and say to talk

677
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: about this, talk about this right now, just to this

678
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,920
Speaker 1: whatever you was talking about, don't fuck that. God said

679
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 1: that to God was like, fuck that.

680
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 3: And that's the beauty of like the podcast that we've

681
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:27,680
Speaker 3: been doing with you guys more lately, Like it's not

682
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,360
Speaker 3: just like finding these really structured topics to talk about.

683
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:32,280
Speaker 3: It's kind of like whatever is in our heart in

684
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 3: this moment, and we just asked God to be a

685
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 3: vessel to deliver whatever it is that he wants us

686
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 3: to deliver to y'all in that moment because it's going

687
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:41,880
Speaker 3: to help somebody, it helps us along the way, and

688
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 3: we love it here.

689
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: Absolutely because God be looking down at us sometimes like

690
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,440
Speaker 1: look at this, Nick, the fuck is you?

691
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: That is not what I told you to do, That.

692
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,440
Speaker 3: Is not what I said, what I told you how

693
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 3: I intended for it to be.

694
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 2: You know what, mute?

695
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 1: Now you can't talk no more. Now you had a stroke?

696
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 1: Why because you ain't do what God told you to do?

697
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 1: Now look now, look value, you are a mess. How

698
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 1: did we get here? I told me to tell you

699
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: all that too, mass start playing with God, bro, I'm

700
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:15,320
Speaker 1: telling them period, telling them.

701
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 2: Let me go first.

702
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 1: All right, hey, Kadeen and the vow sup. First, I

703
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,080
Speaker 1: want to thank you for doing what you're doing. You

704
00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:26,160
Speaker 1: are so relatable, You're still young on the fourth floor.

705
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 1: That's the fact you offer wonderful advice content. Thank you

706
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: so much, which is why I'm reaching out. I've been

707
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend for close to two years. We live together,

708
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 1: and overall he is a wonderful boyfriend. He makes me laugh.

709
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 1: He's very caring, kind and compassionate. But that's all that

710
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 1: he is similar to you both. My father is from

711
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: Brooklyn Crown Heights and he is also Caribbean big up beliefs. Yes,

712
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,040
Speaker 1: like a lot of Caribbean families, they raised their daughters

713
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 1: especially to be a value, to take your education seriously

714
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 1: and to be self sustaining. I have honed in on

715
00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:59,400
Speaker 1: that advice and I'm blessed to have my master's in education.

716
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,520
Speaker 1: I am a teacher with a good salary. I can

717
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 1: take care of myself financially. I'm also a deep thinker,

718
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:09,600
Speaker 1: a knowledge seeker, and I crave stimulating conversations. Okay, a

719
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,880
Speaker 1: boyfriend is not he barely graduated high school with an

720
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:13,920
Speaker 1: acceptable GPA.

721
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:15,080
Speaker 3: How do he become your boyfriend?

722
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:18,400
Speaker 1: Yes, that's a good question. And his only higher education

723
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 1: is a culinary certificate. We know how he probably slang

724
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:22,360
Speaker 1: in that thing.

725
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 3: Women can't get away from that man all right now.

726
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:30,240
Speaker 1: And his only higher education is a culinary certificate, no

727
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:33,160
Speaker 1: degree to his name, no real college experience. His family

728
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: didn't even stress the importance of education to him growing

729
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: up like my dad did to me. So in our relationship,

730
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,040
Speaker 1: I'm realizing it lacks depth. I come with a lot

731
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,680
Speaker 1: of sight and comes with a lot of insight, perspective,

732
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: and knowledge, while he just merely exists. He doesn't seem

733
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:48,840
Speaker 1: to know the importance of knowing how to have an

734
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 1: in depth conversation or to understand why seeking knowledge is

735
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 1: so important. It's one of the reasons I feel we

736
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: can't make true progress because I can't have a life

737
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,680
Speaker 1: partner if I can't have deep conversations. Also, I'm the

738
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: bread winner and I pay more bills in him, so

739
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:03,960
Speaker 1: I don't even feel like he's truly an equal partner.

740
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,000
Speaker 1: Money is not the issue. Yes it is, but close

741
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:09,800
Speaker 1: to two years and he's still in the same predicament

742
00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:12,360
Speaker 1: while I'm trying to further my career, my bank account

743
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:15,160
Speaker 1: and my knowledge. I've tried talking to him, but he

744
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:18,520
Speaker 1: doesn't understand. You don't know what you don't know, and

745
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,320
Speaker 1: with a childhood like mine, I will never get it.

746
00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:24,400
Speaker 1: I try to explain to him, but I feel like

747
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 1: his mother. I feel like I'm with you, Cay, I

748
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,040
Speaker 1: know what you're gonna say. Why are you still in

749
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:29,320
Speaker 1: a relationship? I know.

750
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:31,600
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm telling me everything that's wrong. It's

751
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 3: like when you write the pro and con list and

752
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 3: it's just contons everywhere. What's the pro? Go ahead?

753
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,800
Speaker 1: I break so birth to the table and I'm constantly

754
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:44,120
Speaker 1: filling his cup. But who's going to fill mine? Nobody

755
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,920
Speaker 1: in that relationship salvageable or should I just cut my lasses?

756
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 3: It's giving lost cutting for me. You just explain, you

757
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:53,000
Speaker 3: literally just explain and walk through why he is not

758
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 3: the right match for you, he's not the right match.

759
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,360
Speaker 3: I wish I knew how old she was, just how

760
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 3: old she was here. No, overall, he's a wonderful boyfriend,

761
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:03,920
Speaker 3: makes me laugh, very caring, kind and compassionate. So those

762
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,840
Speaker 3: are the pros. But that's all he is. That's not

763
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:11,720
Speaker 3: going to be enough to sustain a relationship. Potentially caring,

764
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:14,399
Speaker 3: kind of compassionate. Now, that's not going to be enough

765
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,279
Speaker 3: to sustain it. Sis like you are.

766
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 1: I will say this though, I will say this, it

767
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 1: sounds like he's a nice guy, right, But when you're

768
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,759
Speaker 1: looking for a life partner, you're not looking for a

769
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:29,240
Speaker 1: nice guy to be a life partner.

770
00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 2: And I'll tell you why.

771
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,160
Speaker 1: Right, if you're going into the wilderness, right and you

772
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:35,279
Speaker 1: have to fight off bears and you need someone to

773
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:36,880
Speaker 1: help you hunt and do all this, are you going

774
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:38,759
Speaker 1: to grab the guy who's the nice guy who can

775
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:39,319
Speaker 1: make you laugh.

776
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:41,759
Speaker 2: No, you're going to grab the guy who's resourceful.

777
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 3: Yes, and enuity you can figure it out and that and.

778
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 2: That goes both ways.

779
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 1: I'm going if I'm going into the wilderness, right, I'm

780
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 1: not going to just grab the prettiest girl to survive

781
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:52,680
Speaker 1: in the wilderness.

782
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:54,560
Speaker 2: Because life is the wilderness. We're all working.

783
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,520
Speaker 1: I'm going to grab the most resourceful person who if

784
00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going on here, I can look

785
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:00,879
Speaker 1: at her and be like, can you figure this out?

786
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,080
Speaker 2: Facts A Mica is gonna look to her and be like, oh,

787
00:36:03,239 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 2: she looks great, and are we going to go into

788
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,359
Speaker 2: the wilderness and then get killed by bear and die?

789
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,080
Speaker 3: And right now says you're on the road to being

790
00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 3: killed and mauled by a bear. Facts in the wilderness

791
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,960
Speaker 3: with homeboy facts, I don't got much more to say

792
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:17,239
Speaker 3: about this.

793
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:18,800
Speaker 2: And we love that you love love, but you just

794
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,919
Speaker 2: told us why it's not going to work.

795
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:22,560
Speaker 3: And it's one of those things too where I had

796
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:26,520
Speaker 3: a conversation recently with someone and she she was asking

797
00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,600
Speaker 3: me like, how do I motivate, you know, my guy

798
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,440
Speaker 3: to want more and to be ambitious, Like what can

799
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,319
Speaker 3: I do to be able to like spark that in him?

800
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:40,920
Speaker 3: And my advice was more like, Okay, some people have ruts.

801
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:42,719
Speaker 3: Some people have moments where it's like dam you know,

802
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 3: you have your downtime, especially if you're a creative, you

803
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 3: know you may not be in a creative mood in

804
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:48,719
Speaker 3: the moment you need something to kind of spark that.

805
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:52,000
Speaker 3: But there's certain things you can't teach someone. You can't

806
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 3: teach someone how to be ambitious, you can't teach someone

807
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,480
Speaker 3: how to be self motivated, you can't teach someone to

808
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:01,640
Speaker 3: want more. You can show them, you can expose them

809
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:04,240
Speaker 3: to it, but ultimately it has to be something innate,

810
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:08,759
Speaker 3: and it doesn't seem like he right now innately has that. Now.

811
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,719
Speaker 3: I don't know how old this couple is. They could

812
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:14,080
Speaker 3: be nineteen and twenty one and he's just still trying

813
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:14,799
Speaker 3: to figure things out.

814
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,440
Speaker 2: So says, you got a master's degree though, so she does, Okay.

815
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,160
Speaker 3: So then yeah, ok yeah, yeah, okay, so you're definitely

816
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:22,759
Speaker 3: a little bit older than that, I say twenty five, yes,

817
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:26,160
Speaker 3: maybe roughly around there. But that there's certain things that

818
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 3: you just can't teach, and you can't will someone to have.

819
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,120
Speaker 3: They either have it or they don't. And I think

820
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:34,000
Speaker 3: this is a circumstance where he may just not have

821
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,080
Speaker 3: been exposed to that kind of life. And though being

822
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,640
Speaker 3: with you, you would think, Okay, he sees how I'm ambitious,

823
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,320
Speaker 3: I'm driven, I'm doing all these things. These are the

824
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 3: things I want out of life. It may not be

825
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:44,359
Speaker 3: something he wants.

826
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,120
Speaker 1: But this goes back to what we talk about a

827
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:51,680
Speaker 1: lot on this podcast is using discernment and not being

828
00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:55,400
Speaker 1: afraid to say, hey, this relationship was what it was.

829
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,359
Speaker 1: I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot

830
00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:59,080
Speaker 1: about the type of person I want to date, and

831
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,480
Speaker 1: you're just not that. That don't mean that you're a

832
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 1: bad person. You're just not the person for me, and

833
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:06,680
Speaker 1: being okay, saying that's cool because I'm not going to

834
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,480
Speaker 1: settle in my life to make you and everybody else

835
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:12,239
Speaker 1: feel happy about how I should live my life, because I'm.

836
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,719
Speaker 2: The only person responsible for that.

837
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:17,680
Speaker 1: Using discernment means I can tell after dating and dating

838
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 1: takes time.

839
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:19,759
Speaker 2: Dating is not two dates.

840
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:21,600
Speaker 1: You might date someone for a year of two years

841
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:24,080
Speaker 1: and saying, you know what, el this two year span,

842
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:25,680
Speaker 1: I realize that this is not what I want for

843
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:26,479
Speaker 1: the rest of my life.

844
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 2: So we can go out separate ways. You know, that's

845
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:29,279
Speaker 2: what I agree.

846
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,440
Speaker 1: I just think, you know, based on what she said,

847
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,040
Speaker 1: I would say, hey, mama, go and find someone else

848
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:37,080
Speaker 1: that has the same type of work ethic and will

849
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:40,120
Speaker 1: and drive that you have and don't feel based on

850
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,239
Speaker 1: listening to the internet, what everyone telling you your standards

851
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:45,040
Speaker 1: are too high, and you're going to be by yourself

852
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,000
Speaker 1: because when you're gonna do lower your standards and end

853
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:50,000
Speaker 1: up being miserable with someone, I'd rather be by myself

854
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 1: with high standards.

855
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 2: Than be with someone that I got to carry for

856
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 2: the rest of my life.

857
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:59,319
Speaker 3: So all right, now, good luck to you, says Number two.

858
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:02,759
Speaker 3: Hey to Valancadin, I love listening to y'all. I can

859
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,880
Speaker 3: truly take something positive from each episode, whether it's related

860
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,880
Speaker 3: to my marriage, family, personal or just parenting in general.

861
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 2: That is the hope.

862
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 3: I love it. When I was listening to the Practice

863
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 3: Kid episode, it really put parenting into a better perspective

864
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,839
Speaker 3: for me. For contact, I'm twenty eight with two kids.

865
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:21,320
Speaker 3: My son is nine, my daughter is two and a half. Currently,

866
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,040
Speaker 3: I'm struggling with my nine year old son constantly lying,

867
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,520
Speaker 3: even about the little things. We have had constant conversations

868
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 3: on the importance of being truthful. We have tried many

869
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:34,840
Speaker 3: different discipline mechanisms, such as taking away electronics, writing the

870
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 3: same sentences many times. You must be Withindian hardcore workout, spanking, etc.

871
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:42,719
Speaker 3: Have you dealt with this and how do you navigate

872
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:46,279
Speaker 3: this with your practice child? Thank y'all much love.

873
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:49,399
Speaker 2: I've dealt with this in my mentorship program. Yeah, there's

874
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 2: only one way. We haven't dealt with lying with our kids.

875
00:39:52,239 --> 00:39:53,920
Speaker 2: But do you know why lying?

876
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,279
Speaker 1: Lying doesn't come from lack of discipline. Lying comes from

877
00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:00,480
Speaker 1: a child not feeling safe to tell the truth. So

878
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: when you create an environment like what she said, hardcore workout, spankings,

879
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:08,880
Speaker 1: writing sentences, this child probably doesn't feel comfortable because if

880
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:11,160
Speaker 1: I tell you the truth, I'm going to get in trouble.

881
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: So you have to create like, stopping children from lying

882
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:19,880
Speaker 1: comes from them feeling safe. If a child doesn't feel safe.

883
00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:22,000
Speaker 3: Or comfortable communicating with you, they're gonna lie.

884
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:25,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you really want him to stop lying,

885
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: make it okay for him to tell the truth and

886
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:30,920
Speaker 1: he doesn't get in trouble. That doesn't mean you take

887
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:34,040
Speaker 1: away consequences. It just means that they don't get in trouble.

888
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:37,000
Speaker 1: Trouble means like a disciplinary action. So it's like, yo,

889
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 1: what did you do? Let's discuss how to do this again,

890
00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 1: and let's try not to make the same choice over

891
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,279
Speaker 1: and over again. After a while of doing that and

892
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,600
Speaker 1: it takes patience, they call it gentle parenting and I

893
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 1: know a lot of Black and West Indian parents don't

894
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 1: like doing the gentle parenting thing, but we.

895
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 2: Do like a hybrid. Right.

896
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,279
Speaker 1: My kids are allowed to make poor decisions and do

897
00:40:58,440 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 1: things in real time because I want them to learn

898
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:03,160
Speaker 1: to pick themselves up off the ground. So my biggest

899
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:05,480
Speaker 1: thing is I let them make a poor decision. We

900
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 1: talk about what's what happened?

901
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:07,200
Speaker 2: Why'd you do that?

902
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,120
Speaker 1: Like, for example, Jackson, you know, skipping out of his

903
00:41:10,239 --> 00:41:13,040
Speaker 1: reading and then his grades dropped, Right, what happened?

904
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:13,879
Speaker 2: Why'd your grades drop?

905
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:14,520
Speaker 3: Oh?

906
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 1: Well, because you know I thought that this and this

907
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,920
Speaker 1: and that and making it hues. I didn't have time, Jackson.

908
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,320
Speaker 1: You had time. You chose to use your time for

909
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:27,120
Speaker 1: other things. I'm not mad, but this is what happens.

910
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:29,919
Speaker 1: So you do that, and are you happy with getting

911
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,279
Speaker 1: a seventy on it on the test? No?

912
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:33,360
Speaker 2: All right, so then you got to fix it, brom.

913
00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:35,640
Speaker 1: But what I didn't do was be like you got

914
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:38,560
Speaker 1: a seventy, No more video games, no more this, because

915
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:40,759
Speaker 1: now the next time it's like, I'm not even telling

916
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,080
Speaker 1: them my pothect exactly.

917
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 3: It's fair. Now at this post it's fair. It becomes hiding.

918
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:47,719
Speaker 3: Those are all the things that you start to kind

919
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 3: of manifest in them. Like I love that with our boys,

920
00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,680
Speaker 3: We've given them, like you said, a safe space to

921
00:41:52,719 --> 00:41:54,400
Speaker 3: be able to say how they feel. So even if

922
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:56,440
Speaker 3: it was something that and I had to curb my

923
00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 3: own reaction, you did. I to curb my own reaction

924
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:02,560
Speaker 3: because coming from my environment where like my mother also

925
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,719
Speaker 3: too stressed the importance of not lying and cheating, and

926
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:06,239
Speaker 3: you cheat, you go to jail, and you go to jail,

927
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:08,960
Speaker 3: you do this. There was like this like subsequent chain

928
00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,520
Speaker 3: of events that happens. If you told one lie, you

929
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:15,800
Speaker 3: end up in jail, cheat, then you still still you

930
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,960
Speaker 3: go to jail, don't call me? And I was like,

931
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,200
Speaker 3: how did we get here? You know what I'm saying,

932
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,560
Speaker 3: like how did we get here? So I had to

933
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:25,360
Speaker 3: curb the way I reacted to things when the kids

934
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,440
Speaker 3: did something that was not to my liking. So it

935
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,080
Speaker 3: doesn't even have to be a lie. It could just

936
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,080
Speaker 3: be something that they do and I'm just like they're like,

937
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,120
Speaker 3: oh god, Mom is going to be upset. So it's

938
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,160
Speaker 3: changed so much now that where I don't react in

939
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,160
Speaker 3: a way that they feel threatened or they feel like,

940
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 3: oh my god, Mom, is so upset. It's more of

941
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,399
Speaker 3: a like, all right, buddy, is that right? It's okay,

942
00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:46,240
Speaker 3: what happened, Hey, mistakes happen, right, No big deal, Mommy,

943
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:48,799
Speaker 3: Mammy used to spill things. Mommy used to do this too, right,

944
00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:51,239
Speaker 3: it's okay, you tell mommy, I help you, rather than

945
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 3: them trying to sneak and clean up and then do

946
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:54,920
Speaker 3: it poorly, and then they're scared to tell me, And

947
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,440
Speaker 3: then you're trying to figure out who told a lie,

948
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 3: and all of them are thickest thieves and they're never

949
00:42:58,520 --> 00:42:59,960
Speaker 3: gonna tell in each other. So you really don't know,

950
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:00,520
Speaker 3: get it?

951
00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:01,360
Speaker 1: You know?

952
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:03,160
Speaker 3: So do you always want to have that? And I

953
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:04,800
Speaker 3: love that we have that with our boys. So that

954
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:07,439
Speaker 3: your son is nine, there's still time to be able

955
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,640
Speaker 3: to penetrate that, but not really because.

956
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:14,120
Speaker 1: To middle school that's when they start to become who

957
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:17,240
Speaker 1: they are going to become. But ultimately it all becomes

958
00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 1: about feeling safe. Kids only lie when they don't feel.

959
00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:22,800
Speaker 3: Safe, right, feel or they feel like they're going to

960
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:23,240
Speaker 3: be in trouble.

961
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,920
Speaker 1: They tell the truth when they're comfortable with someone who

962
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,680
Speaker 1: they just like, okay, this but and what you said

963
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 1: is perfect. Sometimes the discipline can even be a lot

964
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,840
Speaker 1: as long as they still feel safe. For example, Jackson

965
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:37,400
Speaker 1: don't do something. He knows he got to get on

966
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 1: the treadmill and he got to get it done. But

967
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 1: what affects him is how I respond. What I'm saying

968
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,000
Speaker 1: that I didn't do so and so and so. All right, bro,

969
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:48,600
Speaker 1: well you made that choice, so remember what we discussed.

970
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,880
Speaker 1: You only thirty sprints on a treadmill. He's like, all right,

971
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:53,759
Speaker 1: as opposed to Dad, I didn't do so and so,

972
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:56,880
Speaker 1: why the fuck wouldn't you? And now he feels unsafe,

973
00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:58,800
Speaker 1: he's still going to have to do the same sprints.

974
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:03,080
Speaker 1: But my respeton, which is the perfect point, how you

975
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:06,800
Speaker 1: respond to your kids as a parent shows them what

976
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:09,799
Speaker 1: they should be afraid of. So, no matter how bad

977
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:11,359
Speaker 1: it is, if you learn how to keep your cool

978
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,880
Speaker 1: and stay even and you still discipline them, well hey, yo,

979
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:17,879
Speaker 1: you stole so and so. You know what the consequences

980
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:18,279
Speaker 1: are for that.

981
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:21,200
Speaker 3: Listen, And once you have a relationship with them where

982
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 3: they feel comfortable and they feel safe, they also don't

983
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:26,719
Speaker 3: want to disappoint you. Yes, so if they know the

984
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,279
Speaker 3: consequence or they see the hurt and the disappointment in you.

985
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:31,320
Speaker 3: When the liah is told, you sit him down and

986
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:33,640
Speaker 3: you say, babe, do you don't understand that that really

987
00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:35,719
Speaker 3: hurt mommy's feelings that you lied and you felt like

988
00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 3: you couldn't tell me the truth in that moment. I

989
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,479
Speaker 3: really really want for you to be able to feel

990
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 3: safe to tell me how you really feel, because it'll

991
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:47,040
Speaker 3: give them then the space to feel like, Okay, yeah,

992
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:49,759
Speaker 3: I can tell mom regardless of what it is. She's

993
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:52,680
Speaker 3: not going to react, she's not gonna fly off the handle. Yep,

994
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,279
Speaker 3: We're going to just figure it out. That's always my thing.

995
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 3: Don't worrybody, We'll figured out, buddy. We'll figure it out.

996
00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:00,759
Speaker 3: We figure it out, We'll figure it right. If only

997
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:01,960
Speaker 3: was the same way with me and you.

998
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:05,439
Speaker 2: No, I got hit, I got punched in the chest,

999
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:09,239
Speaker 2: I got smacked, I got beat with a belt. It

1000
00:45:09,360 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 2: took my car away, took the video games away.

1001
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:15,560
Speaker 1: No, not no, not for lying, but I did lie

1002
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:18,000
Speaker 1: because of stuff like that, Like remember I signed my

1003
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:20,600
Speaker 1: form one. Anybody who went to Andrews Hurdy Junior High

1004
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:22,880
Speaker 1: School shot out Flatbush know that if you get in

1005
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:25,120
Speaker 1: trouble or you you missing an assignment, you gotta get

1006
00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 1: your parents to sign a form one.

1007
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,279
Speaker 2: A form one shows that you did something and your

1008
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:30,200
Speaker 2: parents to sign them.

1009
00:45:30,239 --> 00:45:31,640
Speaker 1: And I signed them ships and gave it to my

1010
00:45:31,719 --> 00:45:33,799
Speaker 1: teacher because I wasn't even trying to hear my mother's mouth.

1011
00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:36,439
Speaker 1: And it really had nothing to do with I didn't

1012
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:38,279
Speaker 1: want to get hit. It was it was just like

1013
00:45:38,680 --> 00:45:41,040
Speaker 1: it was like, I figured I can't be bothering bothered.

1014
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,839
Speaker 1: I wasn't a liar, but you lied by omission. Yeah,

1015
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:47,880
Speaker 1: until parent teaching night comes and and they're like, well,

1016
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:50,160
Speaker 1: miss Ellis, we have these form ones that you signed.

1017
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:54,520
Speaker 1: And then my mother goes, oh really, and this is

1018
00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:58,200
Speaker 1: me no eye contact. I'm just looking straight. I'm just

1019
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:01,840
Speaker 1: straight ahead, like and I if looks could kill. She

1020
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:05,800
Speaker 1: was burning a hole through my temple and the lady

1021
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 1: is coming out the other side.

1022
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:11,879
Speaker 2: And this was just me the whole time, like I'm

1023
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:12,600
Speaker 2: not hearing none of this.

1024
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:16,920
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I'd like to see you and your boy.

1025
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:19,799
Speaker 3: I know, I know it gets better. It definitely gets better.

1026
00:46:20,160 --> 00:46:23,440
Speaker 3: All right, y'all, listen the letters keep writing in. We

1027
00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:25,520
Speaker 3: love to hear from y'all. Email us at dead Ass

1028
00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:27,440
Speaker 3: Advice at gmail dot com if you want to be

1029
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 3: featured on the show.

1030
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:31,400
Speaker 2: Yes, that's d E A D A S S A

1031
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 2: D V I C E at gmail dot com.

1032
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:37,839
Speaker 3: Alrighty, moment of truth time. Well, you should go first

1033
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 3: because you feel like you had it at the tip

1034
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:41,800
Speaker 3: of your tongue when the show first started, anxious to

1035
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,200
Speaker 3: hear what it is. Do you remember what your moment

1036
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:43,520
Speaker 3: of truth is?

1037
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:46,800
Speaker 1: Yes, my moment of truth actually goes back to before

1038
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:51,520
Speaker 1: your partner has changes. Okay, it's please use discernment with

1039
00:46:51,719 --> 00:46:55,600
Speaker 1: the people that you give your time to, because if

1040
00:46:55,640 --> 00:46:57,680
Speaker 1: you choose the right people to give your time, as

1041
00:46:57,719 --> 00:47:00,719
Speaker 1: they change and evolve, they will carry you with them

1042
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:03,520
Speaker 1: through that evolution and you will evolve as well, and

1043
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:04,440
Speaker 1: y'all can grow together.

1044
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:07,560
Speaker 3: That's dope, super dope. I think mine is about change

1045
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,200
Speaker 3: in general, because we've had a lot of changes just

1046
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 3: in general in our lives since the year started. I

1047
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:17,320
Speaker 3: want to say towards the end of last year, change

1048
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:22,600
Speaker 3: is good. In most circumstances. Change is inevitable. Fighting the

1049
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:27,279
Speaker 3: change sometimes can be to your detriment because you never

1050
00:47:27,400 --> 00:47:31,200
Speaker 3: know once you push past that level of uncomfortability, what

1051
00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:34,279
Speaker 3: more is on the other side. So embrace change when

1052
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:36,239
Speaker 3: it comes your way. When you have an opportunity, whether

1053
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:40,680
Speaker 3: that's with a job or a relationship or something really personal,

1054
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:44,799
Speaker 3: because just a peek through the window of what could

1055
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:48,120
Speaker 3: be different on the other side is sometimes enough motivation

1056
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:51,600
Speaker 3: to make you lock in and really lean into that change.

1057
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:54,759
Speaker 3: So I encourage you all when that change comes along

1058
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:58,239
Speaker 3: and it's looking good, Ride the wave, yeah, ride the

1059
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:01,840
Speaker 3: wave all right, y'all. Be sure to find us on

1060
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:05,880
Speaker 3: Patreon if you haven't subscribed yet. We got all exclusive

1061
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:09,000
Speaker 3: dead Ass podcast content over there, more ellis, family content

1062
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,200
Speaker 3: and all day case stuff as well, and you can

1063
00:48:11,239 --> 00:48:14,680
Speaker 3: find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast

1064
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:17,279
Speaker 3: and Cadeen I Am and.

1065
00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:19,600
Speaker 1: I Am Deval And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,

1066
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:23,239
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.

1067
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:30,400
Speaker 1: Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network,

1068
00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:34,080
Speaker 1: and it's produced by Donorpinya and Triple Follow the podcast

1069
00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:36,759
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never

1070
00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:37,319
Speaker 1: Miss a Thing.