WEBVTT - Hold The Door Open 0:00:02.279 --> 0:00:05.760 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedra Glover to WIB and 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.440 you need to hear this. We have covered so many 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:18.119 difficult topics, many of those conversations centering around challenging family relationships, 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:22.560 and I'm hearing more and more that there is an 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:26.200 assortment of issues that we can have and it is 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:30.680 very hard to know how to proceed when big things 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:34.919 have happened in the past. This past weekend, I had 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:38.600 the pleasure of speaking with Jada Pinkett Smith about her 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:43.519 new book Worthy, and in that book she talked about 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:48.240 her challenging relationship with her father. As we go through 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:50.880 this call today, that book will be in the back 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:56.279 of my mind because sometimes we have expectations of our 0:00:56.400 --> 0:01:01.080 parents that they cannot meet because because of who they are, 0:01:01.880 --> 0:01:06.720 what they've learned, or what their life experiences have presented 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:10.840 for them. Even though there are parents, it doesn't mean 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:15.440 that they're great at the job of parenting. So as 0:01:15.480 --> 0:01:18.240 we listen to this call today, I want you to 0:01:18.319 --> 0:01:22.560 think about what are your expectations of your parents and 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:26.120 what expectations do they have of you, Because sometimes it 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:29.399 can be the child that releases the expectations, but the 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:32.319 parents can hold on where you're my child, you're my son, 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:37.200 you're my daughter, and you should. So let's think about 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:41.160 what truly is happening with all of these things that 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:44.959 I want or what they want in the relationship, and 0:01:45.080 --> 0:01:48.200 actually can we even meet each other's needs in those ways. 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:50.600 Let's start with today's call. 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:57.240 Hi, Nedra, I decided I should call in to share 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:00.919 my own story about my difficult relationship with my father. 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:06.160 My relationship kind of breaks down to my boundaries with 0:02:06.400 --> 0:02:09.520 not really wanting to have any relationship with him at all, 0:02:09.760 --> 0:02:13.160 given our past and our experience and how he and 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:16.200 by extension at the time, my mother as well, how 0:02:16.240 --> 0:02:18.680 they handled let me know I had to leave the home, 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:22.400 and I'll give more detail on that a bit later. 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:25.600 So currently we don't really have much of a relationship 0:02:25.600 --> 0:02:28.480 at all. It's respectful. When I see him, I greet him, 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:30.440 I ask him how he's doing, and then that we 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:33.680 leave it at that. It's not, you know, combative, it's 0:02:33.720 --> 0:02:36.480 not tense when we see each other. It's just we 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:38.280 greet each other and then we leave it at that. 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:41.200 We were okay in the same spaces. He would like 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:44.520 to try to build back into trying to fix it, 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:47.480 but I feel that there's already been so many chances 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:51.480 at trying to reconcile and try to be heard and 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:54.880 try to really talk things out that I don't think 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:58.800 I want to give another chance on that. So and 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:04.320 also it was just hiring emotionally mentally, I just felt 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:07.720 myself like or often when I would interact with him, 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:09.400 I wasn't sure if it was going to be like 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:13.080 an annoying conversation or something I wasn't really trying to 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:16.000 engage with. So that's kind of where it currently stands. 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:19.800 He did have a recent tragic event happened in his 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:24.120 life which is causing me to reevaluate my boundary. He 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:29.320 recently lost his sister in law to cancer, and I'm 0:03:29.320 --> 0:03:31.799 not sure if the right thing for me to do 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:36.480 is send like flowers or a card or something that 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:40.440 lets him know that I'm sorry for your loss something 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:45.280 to that effect, right, or would that be me not 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:50.200 honoring my own boundary to myself and kind of bending 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:55.120 or breaking, you know, a sense of respect for myself. 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:01.200 I'm just not sure how to handle that and what 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:03.760 the right decision to be. I asked my mother what 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:05.960 she thought I should do there, because me and her 0:04:06.000 --> 0:04:09.040 have actually rebuilt our relationship after me moving out of 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:12.080 the home, and she thinks that maybe it would be 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:14.520 helpful to send something. She just doesn't know what it 0:04:14.560 --> 0:04:17.280 should be. She wants to lead it up to my 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:20.720 own decision making what I feel. But I told her 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:22.599 I wasn't sure if I was going to send anything. 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:23.520 I didn't know. 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:27.880 As the creator of the boundaries, you can be the 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:34.200 breaker of the boundaries in delicate situations where there's a 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:38.560 life crisis or maybe a death in the person's life. 0:04:38.800 --> 0:04:42.800 Even if you've decided to have a boundary of not 0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:46.160 having a deep connection with someone, you can send them 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:49.240 a card and it can just be an act of kindness. 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:53.640 It may not be a symbol of rekindling the connection. 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:57.400 It could just be I am sorry for your loss, 0:04:57.640 --> 0:05:01.800 my condolences. Some time ago, I had a friend and 0:05:01.839 --> 0:05:05.640 we stopped our connection and she lost a parent and 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:10.080 I called her and I just wanted to offer my condolences. 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:13.000 You know, her mother was in my life and I 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:15.760 wanted to say I see you, I see your pain. 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:20.040 It's not about re establishing the connection as much as 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:24.160 it is like, wow, I understand that this must hurt. 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:27.000 It can mean whatever you want it to mean, it's 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:29.240 your boundaries. So if you want that to be a 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:32.719 token of hey, let's rebuild, or if you just want 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:36.960 it to be a symbol of kindness, it can be 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:40.240 that as well. You get to determine what that looks 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:44.080 like with your father. Being kind should be a part 0:05:44.160 --> 0:05:46.680 of all of our boundaries, right, Like, we don't want 0:05:46.680 --> 0:05:49.920 to be so harsh in our boundaries that when things 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:54.280 happen to people we have no compassion for them. We 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:58.960 can be compassionate and hold our boundaries with people. I 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:02.120 hear that you know, with your mom, it sounds like 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:05.640 there is some trust and that you feel more comfortable 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:09.560 with re establishing that connection. But with your father, there 0:06:09.680 --> 0:06:12.960 is a lack of trust. So let's keep listening to 0:06:13.080 --> 0:06:16.920 find out a bit more of what happened in the relationship. 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:20.560 There's been over the years between me and him, the 0:06:20.640 --> 0:06:25.800 struggle of meeting expectations from you know, me living up 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:28.000 to what I know my parents, you know, wanted of 0:06:28.040 --> 0:06:30.240 me and my siblings and my cousins and the rest 0:06:30.279 --> 0:06:34.160 of the family, with also me feeling like they were 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:37.000 spread too thin helping too many family members or having 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:40.120 two ney cousins or aunts and uncles and not merely 0:06:40.160 --> 0:06:42.360 making a whole lot of time for us. They were 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:46.240 available and they were engaged, but I felt like as 0:06:46.320 --> 0:06:49.800 we were getting older, I would have really liked them 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:53.200 to be around more often, but they were a lot 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:56.719 of times helping other family members and you know, taking 0:06:56.720 --> 0:07:00.640 other people places and helping them with their situations, and 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:03.080 it felt like over time that we were just kind 0:07:03.080 --> 0:07:05.280 of like kind of put on the sideline a little bit, 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:08.800 even as I continue to like kind of race towards 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:11.320 you know, getting a career in stem you know, setting 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:15.240 up myself as an independent, you know, young adult, just 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:18.440 having a stable relationship, taking care of my own you know, 0:07:18.520 --> 0:07:21.320 bills and finances and trying to just be stable and 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:24.760 work towards those things. I would go off to college, 0:07:24.640 --> 0:07:28.120 get my degree and you know, my STEM field, return home, 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:30.520 and after I returned home, it'd be definitely became a 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:33.080 lot more combative because while I was away, I was 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:36.040 able to like develop my own voice a bit more. 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:39.440 You know, I became much more comfortable with having like 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:43.720 debates that had differing opinions and just like being comfortable 0:07:43.840 --> 0:07:47.680 and disagreeing and just talking things through and not kind 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:50.960 of shying away from those conversations. Not that I wasn't 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:54.120 before college, like in high school or anything. I just 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:57.360 became much more confident, so I leaned more into those things. 0:07:57.520 --> 0:07:59.840 I didn't shy away from, you know, speaking my mind 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:03.480 and give me my honest opinion about stuff versus like 0:08:03.520 --> 0:08:05.880 what they might want to hear. But getting back to 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:08.480 when I returned home from school, I would, you know, 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:10.840 try to find a job in my field. That that 0:08:10.960 --> 0:08:14.280 took longer than I thought, which is you know, the 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:17.000 post college or undergrad experience. I would go on to 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:19.200 working like a best buy for a little while. And 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:21.800 that's around the same time they started asking for rent. 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:23.760 Now at my house, it was me and my brother 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:27.520 who didn't finish college, and my cousins and some aunts 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:29.800 uncles right and my parents who kind of took care 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:34.840 of everything. There was no established number for rent. We 0:08:35.000 --> 0:08:36.760 just knew at some point we had to pay it. 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:39.840 But for me, that said this weird dynamic of not 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:43.720 knowing what is the right number to pay, especially since 0:08:43.760 --> 0:08:46.680 I wasn't making that much money and at this point 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:49.280 I was taking on those bills that my parents were 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:52.160 covering under, like family plants and stuff like my phone bill, 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:56.000 or my car insurance. All those things were now in 0:08:56.000 --> 0:08:58.240 my own name, and I had no problem with with that. 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:00.400 So I knew that was coming and I was paying knows, 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:05.400 no problem, All good and no issues. But the issue 0:09:05.400 --> 0:09:08.520 became when I started asking me about rent and not 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.120 just kind of accepting what they were asking me or 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:13.800 asking of me. They would ask for like a number 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:15.760 such as like three hundred dollars. I know that's not 0:09:15.840 --> 0:09:18.520 a lot, but I wasn't making a lot, and I 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:20.760 would say, hey, I'm much more comfortable paying like one 0:09:20.920 --> 0:09:24.720 fifty or something. I know that's very low, but again, 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:26.920 I had my bills and I wanted to save so 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:29.200 I could move out to have my own place while 0:09:29.200 --> 0:09:31.200 also looking for a job in my field, my first 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:34.600 job officially in my career. So they took offense to that. 0:09:34.679 --> 0:09:39.160 They would say things like, oh, as your parents, if 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:41.600 we ask of you of something, you should be more 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:44.040 than willing to get it. While you're asking about how 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:46.480 much rent is for other people in the house, you 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:49.920 shouldn't be asking about the people sending those situations. That's 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:52.520 none of your business. People who can pay what they can, 0:09:52.679 --> 0:09:55.320 whether that's more or less what we're asking you that's 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.160 a different scenario, different situation. But as a young man, 0:09:58.240 --> 0:10:00.960 you should want to move out as soon as you can, 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:03.360 and you should want to pay whatever you can help 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:06.040 out your parents. I told them I had no problem 0:10:06.080 --> 0:10:09.360 paying I just didn't want to pay that much. I'm 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:11.280 more than willing to help out. I'm more than willing 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:13.560 to do what you're asking me, help around the house, 0:10:13.679 --> 0:10:15.520 take care of my own bills. And this became this 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:17.760 ongoing thing for a number of years. I would go 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:20.600 on to find my first, you know job in my career, 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:23.200 you know, intry level job somewhere. I enjoyed that, but 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:25.280 that gave me just enough money to qualify for some 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:27.360 interr level housing in my area as well, like my 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:30.440 first one bedroom apartment. Me and my parents get into 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:33.560 more having more of these conversations about you know, rent 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:36.760 and you know, what's expected, and my dad is coming 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:39.520 at it from this angle of you know, religion and 0:10:40.160 --> 0:10:43.160 as a man of God and these kind of things. 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.880 My mom is saying, like, you know, as a son 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:47.760 who wants to bring to his parents and no honor, 0:10:47.920 --> 0:10:51.040 he should do this. And I'm letting them know that, 0:10:51.480 --> 0:10:54.959 while you know, we were raised with faith, i am 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:58.480 a bit uncertain about faith generally speaking as a person 0:10:58.559 --> 0:11:01.600 who leans more into my science spring. Now, I don't 0:11:01.920 --> 0:11:03.920 know how I feel about that. So I don't really 0:11:03.960 --> 0:11:07.280 want to have every conversation revolve around what my duties 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:10.400 are to you in terms or in context of religion. 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:13.360 I just want to help out as a child in 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:15.560 the home period. You know, it doesn't have to be 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:18.920 you know, in terms of religion or something along those lines. 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:20.760 I just want to help. But also I don't want 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:22.840 to like give more than I can give to meet 0:11:22.880 --> 0:11:24.720 my own goals. I have my own dreams, my own 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:27.080 things I want to accomplish, and those are things you 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:29.640 wanted us to accomplish when we were younger. So here 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:32.120 I am still trying to do that path, trying to 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:35.040 you know, pay it back by trying to be successful 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:37.160 and things I want to you know, pursue. 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:44.959 I'm hearing a struggle with fairness. It sounds like you 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:51.160 wanted to be treated fairly along the same lines as 0:11:51.160 --> 0:11:53.959 those other family members, right Like if your your brother 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:55.920 is there, your cousins is there, is like okay, am 0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:58.240 I paying three hundred? Are they paying three hundred? And 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:00.400 then this brother he's paying three hundreds, so now you're 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:02.960 getting nine hundred dollars. Right. You want it to be 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:07.520 something that makes sense for everyone. But if they're singling 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:09.840 you out and saying, well, you are the person with 0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:13.240 a certain type of character that will pay this, and 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:15.920 maybe you know they won't pay it, and these sorts 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:20.960 of things, it sounds like a really uncertain, unclear situation. 0:12:21.160 --> 0:12:24.280 And I hear that you wanted that clarity. And I'm 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:29.000 wondering if your parents demand it rent from the person 0:12:29.120 --> 0:12:32.720 who they most thought would pay it, not the person 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:37.760 who made the most money, not the person who used 0:12:37.800 --> 0:12:40.120 the most things in the house, but the person who 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:44.439 demonstrated a type of character who would pay the bill. 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:49.680 Is that fair? Probably not, but it's certainly something that 0:12:49.720 --> 0:12:53.439 I'm hearing, you know, in this situation, and that can 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:56.240 be really unfortunate because we all want to be treated fairly. 0:12:57.200 --> 0:12:58.920 You know, if I wait five minutes, I want the 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:00.520 other person to wait five minut and is I don't 0:13:00.559 --> 0:13:02.600 want to wagh five and then they wait too. It's like, 0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:05.000 oh my gosh, so I stood in line for five 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:09.920 and they get two. We have this need to be 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:13.760 treated as other people. So I hear that, particularly when 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:18.200 it's other family members. When it's your brother, you're like, 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:22.880 where is the equality in this situation? And I hear 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:27.360 your your parents were like focused on equity or something like, well, 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:30.640 it's not fair, but you know this person can do 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:33.400 this or not do this, and this is how we're deciding. 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:35.880 And they didn't give you that chart. They didn't give 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:39.200 you the graph of how they decided this and came 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:43.200 to this conclusion of that, and it created a lot 0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:46.520 of chaos between you and your parents about what to 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:50.520 pay now as an adult child, you know, some parents 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:53.439 do it differently, right, Like some parents will say, hey, 0:13:53.720 --> 0:13:56.559 give me such and such and I will put it towards, 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:59.319 you know, the money that you'll have to move out, 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:02.199 or some parents need that money, right they're like, hey, 0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:06.640 we have bills, you're here, there is more lights being used. 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:09.080 There are some who will just give you money to 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:13.640 move out. In your situation, it sounds like your parents 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:16.680 came to you and said this is the dollar amount, 0:14:17.480 --> 0:14:21.080 and maybe for them there was no room for negotiation, 0:14:22.040 --> 0:14:24.880 and for you it's like this should be something that 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:27.160 we can work out, This should be something we should 0:14:27.200 --> 0:14:30.880 talk through. Should it just be this amount and that's it? Well, 0:14:30.920 --> 0:14:33.960 your parents were saying, yeah, it should just be this 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:38.520 amount the tactics that they use, you know, saying you 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:41.560 honor your parents and you're a good kid, and you're 0:14:41.640 --> 0:14:44.600 all of these things, and you know this, this is 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:48.680 what you should do. Those sort of things that manipulating 0:14:48.760 --> 0:14:52.360 and pulling out the heartstrings. It can really tear you 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:54.760 down because you're like, oh, my gosh, I do love 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:57.320 my parents, Like is that in question? Because I don't 0:14:57.320 --> 0:14:59.360 want to give them three hundred dollars out of my 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:03.400 six Like do I love them less? Of course not. 0:15:05.560 --> 0:15:09.480 But when it comes to money, and when it comes 0:15:09.520 --> 0:15:14.560 to our expectations around what people should do with their money, 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:20.280 it gets really tough. It gets really unclear, and when 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:23.440 we can't come to an agreement on what that should 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:27.320 look like, what happened to you is typically what happens. 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:34.600 It becomes an unfortunate circumstance that in the moment, from 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.960 both folks perspective, it is like, there's no there's no 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:41.080 other way. This is the only way. It's one point 0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:45.000 fifty or it's three hundred, there's no other way. When 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:47.480 many of us go off to college, or when we 0:15:47.560 --> 0:15:50.920 move away from our parents, we start to discover these 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:54.040 parts of ourselves that we could not be or didn't 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:57.960 feel comfortable being while we were in our parents' home 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:01.000 or under their care. And so was very normal for 0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:04.400 us to find our voice in different ways, to be 0:16:04.560 --> 0:16:07.160 able to say what we like and what we don't like, 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:10.240 and maybe present in those relationships a little different because 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:15.520 we are different. There is something that happened while away 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:18.120 that we are now bringing back to the family. We're 0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:22.000 bringing back to the relationship we have with our parents. 0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:25.680 So certainly, you know, being away, yeah, it takes away 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:29.080 that shyness and your voice is you know, maybe before 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:31.080 you had a little baby voice like oh, I want 0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:33.600 to go, and now it's like, no, I'm not going 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:37.040 over there. And that could be quite shocking because for 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:39.920 your parents, they haven't done that growth while you were away. 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.040 They weren't thinking, oh my gosh, this person is going 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:43.760 to come back and they're going to be all changing 0:16:43.840 --> 0:16:48.040 these ways you've been doing that work, and so for 0:16:48.160 --> 0:16:51.280 them it is like they are getting to know you 0:16:51.920 --> 0:16:56.400 in this new way. Parents don't have the training or 0:16:56.560 --> 0:17:00.600 education to even realize that that happens. They think the 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:03.320 person that they dropped off at college is the person 0:17:03.360 --> 0:17:05.639 who's going to come back home. And what happens is 0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:09.280 you have a higher level of exposure. It's like, you 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:11.399 know the things your kids pick up when they start 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:13.040 going to school and you're like, where did you learn 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.280 that word? What did you get that? It's happening again 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:18.920 when you go off to college again, when you get 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:22.680 this job in this new career. You're learning all these 0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:26.240 new things from all these other people, and it's going 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:30.239 to reflect in the relationship with your parents. That is 0:17:30.280 --> 0:17:35.000 a very normal part of growing up. I'm hoping that 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:39.359 I'm guessing not maybe I'm in my Hallmark movie mind 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:42.520 when I'm saying this. I'm hoping that there was some 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.679 middle road that you all could come to. And if not, 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:54.160 you know, we will talk through this. Let's keep listening. 0:17:56.640 --> 0:18:01.080 This would be really tough in the months to follow, 0:18:01.359 --> 0:18:03.560 causing a lot of stress between us. We would really 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:05.600 not talk so much. When I came home from work, 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.359 it would be mad with me for not talking. So 0:18:08.400 --> 0:18:11.399 our problem was communication. We just really did not communicate 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:14.600 very well. I felt that people were getting away with 0:18:14.800 --> 0:18:17.720 not paying anything, kind of breaking all their house rules 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:21.239 and these kind of things. Meanwhile, we just had an 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:24.480 issue of talking we were on the same page, and 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:26.520 I didn't, you know, do the things that didn't want 0:18:26.680 --> 0:18:28.879 to want me to. I tried to stay out of trouble. 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:31.920 I tried to you know, not hang outside too much 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:35.080 because I didn't want them to think I was just 0:18:35.440 --> 0:18:38.639 outside spending all my money on fun things, not paying 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:41.240 them the money that they asked me to. But long 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:46.680 story short, we had this really big argument right before 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:50.399 I was asked to leave the house, and me and 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:54.040 my father almost came to blows. It didn't happen. We 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:57.879 decided that we shouldn't do that. But that was a 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:01.439 moment that let me know that maybe I actually take a 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:04.639 step back from this relationship. Maybe this isn't healthy for 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:08.040 me to continue to engage with. Maybe I need a 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:11.160 break from this. We would talk that next morning, meet 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:13.320 my father and my mother, and I would ask them 0:19:13.359 --> 0:19:16.680 for an apology. I told them I was sorry about 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:20.000 what I did. I gave my mom an apology, and 0:19:20.000 --> 0:19:22.040 then I gave my father an apology, and I asked 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:24.360 them could they give me one because I would appreciate that, 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:27.560 just so I know that we can move forward and 0:19:27.680 --> 0:19:30.320 we can recognize that no one was right last night 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:34.600 and let's try this again. They both refused to give 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:41.200 me an apology, which I was actually hurt by. That 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:44.560 didn't feel good to know that my parents didn't feel 0:19:44.600 --> 0:19:47.679 that they needed to give me an apology just because 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:51.920 they were my parents. Even though I pay them rent 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:54.480 and haven't missed since I agreed to pay them their 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:57.400 number and rent was increased a couple of times, they 0:19:57.440 --> 0:19:59.880 have always gotten the rent from me. They have never 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:03.360 had to pay a bill that was put in my name, 0:20:03.400 --> 0:20:05.399 like my phone bill and my car insurance, just you know, 0:20:05.440 --> 0:20:08.080 taking care of just the basic responsibilities on my end, 0:20:08.480 --> 0:20:12.160 doing what was expected. And I thought that since I was, 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:14.479 you know, doing what was expected, that I could get 0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:17.480 at least a little grace, a little I'm sorry for 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:21.280 what happened last night. We're taking it that far, but 0:20:21.600 --> 0:20:24.359 they didn't see it that way. And then my father 0:20:24.400 --> 0:20:26.560 would tell me, well, what is my plan? And that 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:28.800 was his way of saying, I need you to leave 0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:31.960 the house. Essentially, he said it to other people in 0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:34.439 the past, and I was well aware that this is 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:37.000 something he said before. It's just his kind of go 0:20:37.160 --> 0:20:40.240 to line of when he doesn't want to like talk plainly, 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:43.560 he kind of wants to like soften that kind of 0:20:43.600 --> 0:20:46.679 conversation a bit, and I told him my plan was 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:49.600 as it always was. It was to move out from 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:51.879 my own place, you know, take care of my own bills, 0:20:52.000 --> 0:20:55.119 kind of grow in my career. He said, all right, great, 0:20:55.240 --> 0:20:56.639 I need you to move out by the end of 0:20:56.680 --> 0:21:00.879 this week. And I asked him, well, that's soon, but 0:21:01.200 --> 0:21:03.080 let me get this straight. You want me to move 0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:06.399 out this week. I just paid your rent. You need 0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:11.920 to move out this week. He said yes, because I 0:21:11.920 --> 0:21:15.080 don't think you can stay here anymore. Again, we had 0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:17.200 was an argument. We didn't cross blows. You still got 0:21:17.200 --> 0:21:21.679 their rent money, but tensions were high and communication was 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:25.960 pretty bad at the time. I would agree, but I immediately 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:29.040 responded with I'm not ready for that. And I do 0:21:29.119 --> 0:21:31.240 fear that if you do decide that I can't stay 0:21:31.240 --> 0:21:33.000 here anymore and I have to go find my own place, 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:35.840 that I might not be able to make it because 0:21:35.840 --> 0:21:37.960 I don't have that much savings. I have a credit card, 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:39.720 and I might run up a lot of debt in 0:21:39.760 --> 0:21:43.639 the first few months trying to establish myself, and that 0:21:43.720 --> 0:21:45.840 might really derail the hard work I got up to 0:21:45.880 --> 0:21:49.360 this point. I just got my first job in my career. 0:21:50.000 --> 0:21:51.880 That's not going to be enough money to take care 0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:53.880 of my responsibilities. I might need to get a second job, 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:55.920 which might take away from my energy for my first job, 0:21:56.000 --> 0:21:59.399 my main career job. All was to say I was 0:21:59.480 --> 0:22:01.600 nervous by moving out, and I also I wasn't ready 0:22:01.640 --> 0:22:04.679 for that. But if he wants to do that and 0:22:04.880 --> 0:22:08.320 had me take those risks with my livelihood and well being, 0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:10.960 this is going to really affect our relationship, and I'm 0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:12.720 not sure when I have one with you if you 0:22:12.840 --> 0:22:16.080