Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedra Glover to WIB and
Speaker 1: you need to hear this. We have covered so many
Speaker 1: difficult topics, many of those conversations centering around challenging family relationships,
Speaker 1: and I'm hearing more and more that there is an
Speaker 1: assortment of issues that we can have and it is
Speaker 1: very hard to know how to proceed when big things
Speaker 1: have happened in the past. This past weekend, I had
Speaker 1: the pleasure of speaking with Jada Pinkett Smith about her
Speaker 1: new book Worthy, and in that book she talked about
Speaker 1: her challenging relationship with her father. As we go through
Speaker 1: this call today, that book will be in the back
Speaker 1: of my mind because sometimes we have expectations of our
Speaker 1: parents that they cannot meet because because of who they are,
Speaker 1: what they've learned, or what their life experiences have presented
Speaker 1: for them. Even though there are parents, it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that they're great at the job of parenting. So as
Speaker 1: we listen to this call today, I want you to
Speaker 1: think about what are your expectations of your parents and
Speaker 1: what expectations do they have of you, Because sometimes it
Speaker 1: can be the child that releases the expectations, but the
Speaker 1: parents can hold on where you're my child, you're my son,
Speaker 1: you're my daughter, and you should. So let's think about
Speaker 1: what truly is happening with all of these things that
Speaker 1: I want or what they want in the relationship, and
Speaker 1: actually can we even meet each other's needs in those ways.
Speaker 1: Let's start with today's call.
Speaker 2: Hi, Nedra, I decided I should call in to share
Speaker 2: my own story about my difficult relationship with my father.
Speaker 2: My relationship kind of breaks down to my boundaries with
Speaker 2: not really wanting to have any relationship with him at all,
Speaker 2: given our past and our experience and how he and
Speaker 2: by extension at the time, my mother as well, how
Speaker 2: they handled let me know I had to leave the home,
Speaker 2: and I'll give more detail on that a bit later.
Speaker 2: So currently we don't really have much of a relationship
Speaker 2: at all. It's respectful. When I see him, I greet him,
Speaker 2: I ask him how he's doing, and then that we
Speaker 2: leave it at that. It's not, you know, combative, it's
Speaker 2: not tense when we see each other. It's just we
Speaker 2: greet each other and then we leave it at that.
Speaker 2: We were okay in the same spaces. He would like
Speaker 2: to try to build back into trying to fix it,
Speaker 2: but I feel that there's already been so many chances
Speaker 2: at trying to reconcile and try to be heard and
Speaker 2: try to really talk things out that I don't think
Speaker 2: I want to give another chance on that. So and
Speaker 2: also it was just hiring emotionally mentally, I just felt
Speaker 2: myself like or often when I would interact with him,
Speaker 2: I wasn't sure if it was going to be like
Speaker 2: an annoying conversation or something I wasn't really trying to
Speaker 2: engage with. So that's kind of where it currently stands.
Speaker 2: He did have a recent tragic event happened in his
Speaker 2: life which is causing me to reevaluate my boundary. He
Speaker 2: recently lost his sister in law to cancer, and I'm
Speaker 2: not sure if the right thing for me to do
Speaker 2: is send like flowers or a card or something that
Speaker 2: lets him know that I'm sorry for your loss something
Speaker 2: to that effect, right, or would that be me not
Speaker 2: honoring my own boundary to myself and kind of bending
Speaker 2: or breaking, you know, a sense of respect for myself.
Speaker 2: I'm just not sure how to handle that and what
Speaker 2: the right decision to be. I asked my mother what
Speaker 2: she thought I should do there, because me and her
Speaker 2: have actually rebuilt our relationship after me moving out of
Speaker 2: the home, and she thinks that maybe it would be
Speaker 2: helpful to send something. She just doesn't know what it
Speaker 2: should be. She wants to lead it up to my
Speaker 2: own decision making what I feel. But I told her
Speaker 2: I wasn't sure if I was going to send anything.
Speaker 2: I didn't know.
Speaker 1: As the creator of the boundaries, you can be the
Speaker 1: breaker of the boundaries in delicate situations where there's a
Speaker 1: life crisis or maybe a death in the person's life.
Speaker 1: Even if you've decided to have a boundary of not
Speaker 1: having a deep connection with someone, you can send them
Speaker 1: a card and it can just be an act of kindness.
Speaker 1: It may not be a symbol of rekindling the connection.
Speaker 1: It could just be I am sorry for your loss,
Speaker 1: my condolences. Some time ago, I had a friend and
Speaker 1: we stopped our connection and she lost a parent and
Speaker 1: I called her and I just wanted to offer my condolences.
Speaker 1: You know, her mother was in my life and I
Speaker 1: wanted to say I see you, I see your pain.
Speaker 1: It's not about re establishing the connection as much as
Speaker 1: it is like, wow, I understand that this must hurt.
Speaker 1: It can mean whatever you want it to mean, it's
Speaker 1: your boundaries. So if you want that to be a
Speaker 1: token of hey, let's rebuild, or if you just want
Speaker 1: it to be a symbol of kindness, it can be
Speaker 1: that as well. You get to determine what that looks
Speaker 1: like with your father. Being kind should be a part
Speaker 1: of all of our boundaries, right, Like, we don't want
Speaker 1: to be so harsh in our boundaries that when things
Speaker 1: happen to people we have no compassion for them. We
Speaker 1: can be compassionate and hold our boundaries with people. I
Speaker 1: hear that you know, with your mom, it sounds like
Speaker 1: there is some trust and that you feel more comfortable
Speaker 1: with re establishing that connection. But with your father, there
Speaker 1: is a lack of trust. So let's keep listening to
Speaker 1: find out a bit more of what happened in the relationship.
Speaker 2: There's been over the years between me and him, the
Speaker 2: struggle of meeting expectations from you know, me living up
Speaker 2: to what I know my parents, you know, wanted of
Speaker 2: me and my siblings and my cousins and the rest
Speaker 2: of the family, with also me feeling like they were
Speaker 2: spread too thin helping too many family members or having
Speaker 2: two ney cousins or aunts and uncles and not merely
Speaker 2: making a whole lot of time for us. They were
Speaker 2: available and they were engaged, but I felt like as
Speaker 2: we were getting older, I would have really liked them
Speaker 2: to be around more often, but they were a lot
Speaker 2: of times helping other family members and you know, taking
Speaker 2: other people places and helping them with their situations, and
Speaker 2: it felt like over time that we were just kind
Speaker 2: of like kind of put on the sideline a little bit,
Speaker 2: even as I continue to like kind of race towards
Speaker 2: you know, getting a career in stem you know, setting
Speaker 2: up myself as an independent, you know, young adult, just
Speaker 2: having a stable relationship, taking care of my own you know,
Speaker 2: bills and finances and trying to just be stable and
Speaker 2: work towards those things. I would go off to college,
Speaker 2: get my degree and you know, my STEM field, return home,
Speaker 2: and after I returned home, it'd be definitely became a
Speaker 2: lot more combative because while I was away, I was
Speaker 2: able to like develop my own voice a bit more.
Speaker 2: You know, I became much more comfortable with having like
Speaker 2: debates that had differing opinions and just like being comfortable
Speaker 2: and disagreeing and just talking things through and not kind
Speaker 2: of shying away from those conversations. Not that I wasn't
Speaker 2: before college, like in high school or anything. I just
Speaker 2: became much more confident, so I leaned more into those things.
Speaker 2: I didn't shy away from, you know, speaking my mind
Speaker 2: and give me my honest opinion about stuff versus like
Speaker 2: what they might want to hear. But getting back to
Speaker 2: when I returned home from school, I would, you know,
Speaker 2: try to find a job in my field. That that
Speaker 2: took longer than I thought, which is you know, the
Speaker 2: post college or undergrad experience. I would go on to
Speaker 2: working like a best buy for a little while. And
Speaker 2: that's around the same time they started asking for rent.
Speaker 2: Now at my house, it was me and my brother
Speaker 2: who didn't finish college, and my cousins and some aunts
Speaker 2: uncles right and my parents who kind of took care
Speaker 2: of everything. There was no established number for rent. We
Speaker 2: just knew at some point we had to pay it.
Speaker 2: But for me, that said this weird dynamic of not
Speaker 2: knowing what is the right number to pay, especially since
Speaker 2: I wasn't making that much money and at this point
Speaker 2: I was taking on those bills that my parents were
Speaker 2: covering under, like family plants and stuff like my phone bill,
Speaker 2: or my car insurance. All those things were now in
Speaker 2: my own name, and I had no problem with with that.
Speaker 2: So I knew that was coming and I was paying knows,
Speaker 2: no problem, All good and no issues. But the issue
Speaker 2: became when I started asking me about rent and not
Speaker 2: just kind of accepting what they were asking me or
Speaker 2: asking of me. They would ask for like a number
Speaker 2: such as like three hundred dollars. I know that's not
Speaker 2: a lot, but I wasn't making a lot, and I
Speaker 2: would say, hey, I'm much more comfortable paying like one
Speaker 2: fifty or something. I know that's very low, but again,
Speaker 2: I had my bills and I wanted to save so
Speaker 2: I could move out to have my own place while
Speaker 2: also looking for a job in my field, my first
Speaker 2: job officially in my career. So they took offense to that.
Speaker 2: They would say things like, oh, as your parents, if
Speaker 2: we ask of you of something, you should be more
Speaker 2: than willing to get it. While you're asking about how
Speaker 2: much rent is for other people in the house, you
Speaker 2: shouldn't be asking about the people sending those situations. That's
Speaker 2: none of your business. People who can pay what they can,
Speaker 2: whether that's more or less what we're asking you that's
Speaker 2: a different scenario, different situation. But as a young man,
Speaker 2: you should want to move out as soon as you can,
Speaker 2: and you should want to pay whatever you can help
Speaker 2: out your parents. I told them I had no problem
Speaker 2: paying I just didn't want to pay that much. I'm
Speaker 2: more than willing to help out. I'm more than willing
Speaker 2: to do what you're asking me, help around the house,
Speaker 2: take care of my own bills. And this became this
Speaker 2: ongoing thing for a number of years. I would go
Speaker 2: on to find my first, you know job in my career,
Speaker 2: you know, intry level job somewhere. I enjoyed that, but
Speaker 2: that gave me just enough money to qualify for some
Speaker 2: interr level housing in my area as well, like my
Speaker 2: first one bedroom apartment. Me and my parents get into
Speaker 2: more having more of these conversations about you know, rent
Speaker 2: and you know, what's expected, and my dad is coming
Speaker 2: at it from this angle of you know, religion and
Speaker 2: as a man of God and these kind of things.
Speaker 2: My mom is saying, like, you know, as a son
Speaker 2: who wants to bring to his parents and no honor,
Speaker 2: he should do this. And I'm letting them know that,
Speaker 2: while you know, we were raised with faith, i am
Speaker 2: a bit uncertain about faith generally speaking as a person
Speaker 2: who leans more into my science spring. Now, I don't
Speaker 2: know how I feel about that. So I don't really
Speaker 2: want to have every conversation revolve around what my duties
Speaker 2: are to you in terms or in context of religion.
Speaker 2: I just want to help out as a child in
Speaker 2: the home period. You know, it doesn't have to be
Speaker 2: you know, in terms of religion or something along those lines.
Speaker 2: I just want to help. But also I don't want
Speaker 2: to like give more than I can give to meet
Speaker 2: my own goals. I have my own dreams, my own
Speaker 2: things I want to accomplish, and those are things you
Speaker 2: wanted us to accomplish when we were younger. So here
Speaker 2: I am still trying to do that path, trying to
Speaker 2: you know, pay it back by trying to be successful
Speaker 2: and things I want to you know, pursue.
Speaker 1: I'm hearing a struggle with fairness. It sounds like you
Speaker 1: wanted to be treated fairly along the same lines as
Speaker 1: those other family members, right Like if your your brother
Speaker 1: is there, your cousins is there, is like okay, am
Speaker 1: I paying three hundred? Are they paying three hundred? And
Speaker 1: then this brother he's paying three hundreds, so now you're
Speaker 1: getting nine hundred dollars. Right. You want it to be
Speaker 1: something that makes sense for everyone. But if they're singling
Speaker 1: you out and saying, well, you are the person with
Speaker 1: a certain type of character that will pay this, and
Speaker 1: maybe you know they won't pay it, and these sorts
Speaker 1: of things, it sounds like a really uncertain, unclear situation.
Speaker 1: And I hear that you wanted that clarity. And I'm
Speaker 1: wondering if your parents demand it rent from the person
Speaker 1: who they most thought would pay it, not the person
Speaker 1: who made the most money, not the person who used
Speaker 1: the most things in the house, but the person who
Speaker 1: demonstrated a type of character who would pay the bill.
Speaker 1: Is that fair? Probably not, but it's certainly something that
Speaker 1: I'm hearing, you know, in this situation, and that can
Speaker 1: be really unfortunate because we all want to be treated fairly.
Speaker 1: You know, if I wait five minutes, I want the
Speaker 1: other person to wait five minut and is I don't
Speaker 1: want to wagh five and then they wait too. It's like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, so I stood in line for five
Speaker 1: and they get two. We have this need to be
Speaker 1: treated as other people. So I hear that, particularly when
Speaker 1: it's other family members. When it's your brother, you're like,
Speaker 1: where is the equality in this situation? And I hear
Speaker 1: your your parents were like focused on equity or something like, well,
Speaker 1: it's not fair, but you know this person can do
Speaker 1: this or not do this, and this is how we're deciding.
Speaker 1: And they didn't give you that chart. They didn't give
Speaker 1: you the graph of how they decided this and came
Speaker 1: to this conclusion of that, and it created a lot
Speaker 1: of chaos between you and your parents about what to
Speaker 1: pay now as an adult child, you know, some parents
Speaker 1: do it differently, right, Like some parents will say, hey,
Speaker 1: give me such and such and I will put it towards,
Speaker 1: you know, the money that you'll have to move out,
Speaker 1: or some parents need that money, right they're like, hey,
Speaker 1: we have bills, you're here, there is more lights being used.
Speaker 1: There are some who will just give you money to
Speaker 1: move out. In your situation, it sounds like your parents
Speaker 1: came to you and said this is the dollar amount,
Speaker 1: and maybe for them there was no room for negotiation,
Speaker 1: and for you it's like this should be something that
Speaker 1: we can work out, This should be something we should
Speaker 1: talk through. Should it just be this amount and that's it? Well,
Speaker 1: your parents were saying, yeah, it should just be this
Speaker 1: amount the tactics that they use, you know, saying you
Speaker 1: honor your parents and you're a good kid, and you're
Speaker 1: all of these things, and you know this, this is
Speaker 1: what you should do. Those sort of things that manipulating
Speaker 1: and pulling out the heartstrings. It can really tear you
Speaker 1: down because you're like, oh, my gosh, I do love
Speaker 1: my parents, Like is that in question? Because I don't
Speaker 1: want to give them three hundred dollars out of my
Speaker 1: six Like do I love them less? Of course not.
Speaker 1: But when it comes to money, and when it comes
Speaker 1: to our expectations around what people should do with their money,
Speaker 1: it gets really tough. It gets really unclear, and when
Speaker 1: we can't come to an agreement on what that should
Speaker 1: look like, what happened to you is typically what happens.
Speaker 1: It becomes an unfortunate circumstance that in the moment, from
Speaker 1: both folks perspective, it is like, there's no there's no
Speaker 1: other way. This is the only way. It's one point
Speaker 1: fifty or it's three hundred, there's no other way. When
Speaker 1: many of us go off to college, or when we
Speaker 1: move away from our parents, we start to discover these
Speaker 1: parts of ourselves that we could not be or didn't
Speaker 1: feel comfortable being while we were in our parents' home
Speaker 1: or under their care. And so was very normal for
Speaker 1: us to find our voice in different ways, to be
Speaker 1: able to say what we like and what we don't like,
Speaker 1: and maybe present in those relationships a little different because
Speaker 1: we are different. There is something that happened while away
Speaker 1: that we are now bringing back to the family. We're
Speaker 1: bringing back to the relationship we have with our parents.
Speaker 1: So certainly, you know, being away, yeah, it takes away
Speaker 1: that shyness and your voice is you know, maybe before
Speaker 1: you had a little baby voice like oh, I want
Speaker 1: to go, and now it's like, no, I'm not going
Speaker 1: over there. And that could be quite shocking because for
Speaker 1: your parents, they haven't done that growth while you were away.
Speaker 1: They weren't thinking, oh my gosh, this person is going
Speaker 1: to come back and they're going to be all changing
Speaker 1: these ways you've been doing that work, and so for
Speaker 1: them it is like they are getting to know you
Speaker 1: in this new way. Parents don't have the training or
Speaker 1: education to even realize that that happens. They think the
Speaker 1: person that they dropped off at college is the person
Speaker 1: who's going to come back home. And what happens is
Speaker 1: you have a higher level of exposure. It's like, you
Speaker 1: know the things your kids pick up when they start
Speaker 1: going to school and you're like, where did you learn
Speaker 1: that word? What did you get that? It's happening again
Speaker 1: when you go off to college again, when you get
Speaker 1: this job in this new career. You're learning all these
Speaker 1: new things from all these other people, and it's going
Speaker 1: to reflect in the relationship with your parents. That is
Speaker 1: a very normal part of growing up. I'm hoping that
Speaker 1: I'm guessing not maybe I'm in my Hallmark movie mind
Speaker 1: when I'm saying this. I'm hoping that there was some
Speaker 1: middle road that you all could come to. And if not,
Speaker 1: you know, we will talk through this. Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: This would be really tough in the months to follow,
Speaker 2: causing a lot of stress between us. We would really
Speaker 2: not talk so much. When I came home from work,
Speaker 2: it would be mad with me for not talking. So
Speaker 2: our problem was communication. We just really did not communicate
Speaker 2: very well. I felt that people were getting away with
Speaker 2: not paying anything, kind of breaking all their house rules
Speaker 2: and these kind of things. Meanwhile, we just had an
Speaker 2: issue of talking we were on the same page, and
Speaker 2: I didn't, you know, do the things that didn't want
Speaker 2: to want me to. I tried to stay out of trouble.
Speaker 2: I tried to you know, not hang outside too much
Speaker 2: because I didn't want them to think I was just
Speaker 2: outside spending all my money on fun things, not paying
Speaker 2: them the money that they asked me to. But long
Speaker 2: story short, we had this really big argument right before
Speaker 2: I was asked to leave the house, and me and
Speaker 2: my father almost came to blows. It didn't happen. We
Speaker 2: decided that we shouldn't do that. But that was a
Speaker 2: moment that let me know that maybe I actually take a
Speaker 2: step back from this relationship. Maybe this isn't healthy for
Speaker 2: me to continue to engage with. Maybe I need a
Speaker 2: break from this. We would talk that next morning, meet
Speaker 2: my father and my mother, and I would ask them
Speaker 2: for an apology. I told them I was sorry about
Speaker 2: what I did. I gave my mom an apology, and
Speaker 2: then I gave my father an apology, and I asked
Speaker 2: them could they give me one because I would appreciate that,
Speaker 2: just so I know that we can move forward and
Speaker 2: we can recognize that no one was right last night
Speaker 2: and let's try this again. They both refused to give
Speaker 2: me an apology, which I was actually hurt by. That
Speaker 2: didn't feel good to know that my parents didn't feel
Speaker 2: that they needed to give me an apology just because
Speaker 2: they were my parents. Even though I pay them rent
Speaker 2: and haven't missed since I agreed to pay them their
Speaker 2: number and rent was increased a couple of times, they
Speaker 2: have always gotten the rent from me. They have never
Speaker 2: had to pay a bill that was put in my name,
Speaker 2: like my phone bill and my car insurance, just you know,
Speaker 2: taking care of just the basic responsibilities on my end,
Speaker 2: doing what was expected. And I thought that since I was,
Speaker 2: you know, doing what was expected, that I could get
Speaker 2: at least a little grace, a little I'm sorry for
Speaker 2: what happened last night. We're taking it that far, but
Speaker 2: they didn't see it that way. And then my father
Speaker 2: would tell me, well, what is my plan? And that
Speaker 2: was his way of saying, I need you to leave
Speaker 2: the house. Essentially, he said it to other people in
Speaker 2: the past, and I was well aware that this is
Speaker 2: something he said before. It's just his kind of go
Speaker 2: to line of when he doesn't want to like talk plainly,
Speaker 2: he kind of wants to like soften that kind of
Speaker 2: conversation a bit, and I told him my plan was
Speaker 2: as it always was. It was to move out from
Speaker 2: my own place, you know, take care of my own bills,
Speaker 2: kind of grow in my career. He said, all right, great,
Speaker 2: I need you to move out by the end of
Speaker 2: this week. And I asked him, well, that's soon, but
Speaker 2: let me get this straight. You want me to move
Speaker 2: out this week. I just paid your rent. You need
Speaker 2: to move out this week. He said yes, because I
Speaker 2: don't think you can stay here anymore. Again, we had
Speaker 2: was an argument. We didn't cross blows. You still got
Speaker 2: their rent money, but tensions were high and communication was
Speaker 2: pretty bad at the time. I would agree, but I immediately
Speaker 2: responded with I'm not ready for that. And I do
Speaker 2: fear that if you do decide that I can't stay
Speaker 2: here anymore and I have to go find my own place,
Speaker 2: that I might not be able to make it because
Speaker 2: I don't have that much savings. I have a credit card,
Speaker 2: and I might run up a lot of debt in
Speaker 2: the first few months trying to establish myself, and that
Speaker 2: might really derail the hard work I got up to
Speaker 2: this point. I just got my first job in my career.
Speaker 2: That's not going to be enough money to take care
Speaker 2: of my responsibilities. I might need to get a second job,
Speaker 2: which might take away from my energy for my first job,
Speaker 2: my main career job. All was to say I was
Speaker 2: nervous by moving out, and I also I wasn't ready
Speaker 2: for that. But if he wants to do that and
Speaker 2: had me take those risks with my livelihood and well being,
Speaker 2: this is going to really affect our relationship, and I'm
Speaker 2: not sure when I have one with you if you
Speaker 2: do this. He took a moment to think about it.
Speaker 2: He said, no, I still think that you need to
Speaker 2: move out. I said, okay. Thankfully my credit score and
Speaker 2: a little bit of my savings and checking was enough
Speaker 2: to move out and cover first months. But from that
Speaker 2: moment on, I haven't spoken to him and we have
Speaker 2: had no relationship.
Speaker 1: How are you feeling about this? I'm hearing a bit
Speaker 1: of hurt here that your father didn't have any compassion
Speaker 1: for your situation. That can be really tough, especially when
Speaker 1: you had a plan and your father is aware of
Speaker 1: what that plan looks like for you, and then there's
Speaker 1: this abrupt shift in what your plan needs to look like,
Speaker 1: not even you know, ten days, but five to seven.
Speaker 1: You know, by the end of the week, you need
Speaker 1: to be out of here. That is a really unfortunate
Speaker 1: situation between father and son. I hear that you apologize
Speaker 1: to them, and I'm assuming here that your apology was
Speaker 1: based on you know, maybe I took it too far.
Speaker 1: Can you agree that you took it too far as well? Oh,
Speaker 1: and your parents are like, no, we didn't. We didn't
Speaker 1: take it too far. We did exactly what we intended
Speaker 1: to do with that dispute last night. And that can
Speaker 1: be really tough to hear that a person sees no
Speaker 1: error with their behaviors, that they're doubling down or as
Speaker 1: I like to call it. Sometimes, you know, people will unapologize,
Speaker 1: Yeah I said it in that probably wasn't nice, but
Speaker 1: I said it anyway. It's like, whoa, what just happened?
Speaker 1: Was that an admission of doing something wrong? And then
Speaker 1: you're saying, who cares? Anyway? That happens too, you know
Speaker 1: where people will you know, unapologize like yep, that was
Speaker 1: bad behavior, and oh will or outright refuse. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna apologize because I don't have anything to apologize for,
Speaker 1: you know, I've even had people say to me like,
Speaker 1: that wasn't aggressive. If you want to see aggressive, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, well, there's more, you know. So there
Speaker 1: are times that people aren't ready to be accountable for
Speaker 1: their behaviors, or they feel like those behaviors were warranted
Speaker 1: given the situation. This is how I should act in
Speaker 1: this situation, or you made me do it, or this
Speaker 1: is what I feel is appropriate. It takes time. It
Speaker 1: takes time for people to see themselves, especially when the
Speaker 1: situation hasn't been given in that that room to reflect.
Speaker 1: It can be years, it can be months, and for
Speaker 1: you it sounds like it was the next day, like
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I woke up and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: what terrible behavior. And for other people it could be
Speaker 1: like no, I don't think so, and then years later
Speaker 1: they might be watching a movie and something happened they're like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I did that. Oh what terrible behavior
Speaker 1: I had eight years ago. Who knows. Hopefully they get
Speaker 1: to the place of wanting to apologize, of seeing how
Speaker 1: they showed up in a situation, maybe harshly, inappropriately, or
Speaker 1: not prepared to really deal with the situation. I'm going
Speaker 1: to jump out here and say, you know, when your
Speaker 1: parents were asking you for the money, they had no
Speaker 1: doubt that you would just say okay, right, So all
Speaker 1: of these things that they did afterwards, it was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: what do we do next. I don't know, let's pull
Speaker 1: something out of the air. Okay, this is where we're
Speaker 1: going to to say. This was not very practiced. Therefore
Speaker 1: it wasn't very intentional. I think these were in the
Speaker 1: moment things that were said. These were in the moment behaviors.
Speaker 1: It was like you were catching them off guard with intellect, right,
Speaker 1: You're like, well what about these other people paying? They're like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, we didn't think about that. These are all
Speaker 1: things that they had not work through, and you were
Speaker 1: asking them to work through. And so you're saying, hey,
Speaker 1: see your unfairness, see your harshness, see how there's a
Speaker 1: better way for this. And parents sometimes want to be right.
Speaker 1: Wanting to be right can be a bigger goal than
Speaker 1: actually being right. It's like, no, I want to be
Speaker 1: right so bad I can't even incorporate another perspective. I
Speaker 1: refuse to see anything else because this can be the
Speaker 1: only thing. I truly think that one of the cornerstones
Speaker 1: of I don't even want to say good parenting, but
Speaker 1: decent parenting is the ability to admit when you are
Speaker 1: wrong and to readjust. So many parents are afraid to
Speaker 1: do that because there's this idea that you lose leverage.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I don't have this leverage anymore. I'm
Speaker 1: not right, But you lose respect when you're wrong and
Speaker 1: you double down, And that happens far too often where
Speaker 1: parents are wrong. They have been unfair, they have shown
Speaker 1: some favoritism, they are not paying attention to some things,
Speaker 1: they are being rude or whatever, and they're like, Nope,
Speaker 1: I'm going to double down because I can't be wrong
Speaker 1: about what I said. I have to back it up.
Speaker 1: So in this situation, I hear that there's a bit
Speaker 1: of hurt. Trust was lost, and there is now, you know,
Speaker 1: probably a lack of respect given how your father handled
Speaker 1: this situation. Keep listening.
Speaker 2: Me and my mother have worked back into having a relationship.
Speaker 2: We've we've we've taught their great lengths sme and her
Speaker 2: on good terms. But as far as me and him
Speaker 2: being the person who made the call to say I
Speaker 2: shouldn't stay there anymore, that was that was a lot,
Speaker 2: and the fact that we almost came to blows the
Speaker 2: night before that was also a lot, And the fact
Speaker 2: that despite him knowing that I wasn't ready to move out,
Speaker 2: he decided it was just I had to like go
Speaker 2: get my own experience. Even though I stayed out of trouble,
Speaker 2: I got the degree that they wanted wanted me to
Speaker 2: get in the stem field. I'm working in my field now,
Speaker 2: I'm paying all my bills on the time, you know,
Speaker 2: things like that. I thought was you know, checking the
Speaker 2: boxes that they wanted me to check. Up to this point,
Speaker 2: I've been in a long term relationship at that point
Speaker 2: I still continue to be and it's I thought I
Speaker 2: was doing the right thing, and I'm not sure how
Speaker 2: if I want to re engage this person just because
Speaker 2: they're going through something you know, dramatic and something really
Speaker 2: like difficult to deal with. Because I've been able to
Speaker 2: actually even find myself currently at my dream job quite
Speaker 2: a bit earlier than I was going to ever be here,
Speaker 2: and I'm really proud of the hard work I've been
Speaker 2: able to do to like establish myself and grow. Not
Speaker 2: only am I you know, my housing situation, but in
Speaker 2: my career as well. And that was no help for
Speaker 2: my parents, who haven't helped since I left the house.
Speaker 2: And I come by occasionally, but it is difficult because
Speaker 2: I know they're kind of getting older and they're dealing
Speaker 2: with stuff, and like I said, he lost a sister
Speaker 2: in law. But I'm really uncertain with how to manage
Speaker 2: the situation. Do I engage with him, do I send
Speaker 2: something out? Maybe not engage with him, but do I
Speaker 2: reach out and send something or do I continue my boundary.
Speaker 2: I'm not really sure what to do, and I would
Speaker 2: really appreciate any advice that you could give. Thank you
Speaker 2: so much.
Speaker 1: With our parents, sometimes we have to be the adult
Speaker 1: in the relationship. It is now a relationship among adults.
Speaker 1: You're an adult child. As an adult, when we have
Speaker 1: conflict with people, we typically talk it out. When we're
Speaker 1: in a healthy space, we talk it out, we address it.
Speaker 1: You know, maybe we don't get to some agreement or
Speaker 1: to the bottom of it, but we certainly might be
Speaker 1: able to work through it. And I want you to
Speaker 1: think of this situation as, let's say, in your work environment,
Speaker 1: in this dream job that you have, and you have
Speaker 1: a dispute with a coworker over a project and I mean,
Speaker 1: it really gets nasty. Both of you will have to
Speaker 1: continue to work there. Will you not speak to this person?
Speaker 1: Will you ignore them? Or will you choose to at
Speaker 1: some point work through it. Now I don't know your personality.
Speaker 1: Maybe you will be like, you know what, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: walk past that desk every day and I'll never say
Speaker 1: anything to them again for the next twenty five years.
Speaker 1: Perhaps that is what you will do. But I'm gonna
Speaker 1: guess here that you would just figure a way to
Speaker 1: move beyond it because you have to be in that space.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you have to be in that relationship
Speaker 1: with your father. But what I'm hearing here is some
Speaker 1: willingness and desire on your part. I'm not hearing you're
Speaker 1: completely done. I'm hearing that you're trying to figure out
Speaker 1: a way to live with this situation that has really
Speaker 1: hurt you and maybe even be in a relationship. Maybe
Speaker 1: that's why we started with you wanting to send this
Speaker 1: gift right like, oh, they're getting older, I'm thinking about
Speaker 1: these things. There is still something there for you. What
Speaker 1: that is, I don't know. I don't know what the
Speaker 1: moving forward looks like. It can look like anything you know,
Speaker 1: a relationship doesn't have to be close. It could just
Speaker 1: be a relationship. I see my dad on holidays, you know,
Speaker 1: once a month we get together and we have dinner together,
Speaker 1: you know, every fifteenth Sunday, I call them. I don't know,
Speaker 1: you'd get to decide what that looks like. It could
Speaker 1: just be sending this thing. But you will forever and
Speaker 1: always be in a relationship with your parents, whether you're
Speaker 1: talking to them on a regular basis or not. They
Speaker 1: live in your heart, they live in your head. If
Speaker 1: they had those memories, they have you. So there is
Speaker 1: no getting out of the relationship, right, But it's what
Speaker 1: will the relationship look like? That's what you're working on.
Speaker 1: Do you want the relationship to be tense? Do you
Speaker 1: want the relationship to be characterized by this situation of
Speaker 1: you moving out? Or do you want to create some
Speaker 1: new memories with your father? Do you think this is
Speaker 1: a thing that he could do again? And in what
Speaker 1: way you live with him anymore? Right? So, how could
Speaker 1: these things impact you in the future or is this
Speaker 1: so impactful that it impacts you in the future. Right?
Speaker 1: I wonder this, if you were to stay in this relationship,
Speaker 1: what could it look like? And if you wanted to
Speaker 1: truly leave and be out of this relationship, what would
Speaker 1: it feel like. There is some processing of your hurt
Speaker 1: and your disappointment in your father that needs to happen.
Speaker 1: I didn't hear any feeling. I heard a lot of behavior.
Speaker 1: I heard a lot of what was said, but the
Speaker 1: feeling around how your father responded and how he didn't
Speaker 1: acknowledge it, how he didn't seem remorseful. And I know
Speaker 1: you have the words if you could just write a paragraph.
Speaker 1: I mean, it doesn't even have to be, you know,
Speaker 1: anything of significant length, but just a paragraph of how
Speaker 1: that made you feel. Sometimes we call that an impact statement.
Speaker 1: Right when this happened, I felt in that situation, I
Speaker 1: would have hoped right now I feel impacted by it
Speaker 1: in the following ways. It could be really hopeful for
Speaker 1: you to just acknowledge what's going on with you as
Speaker 1: a result of that situation. I would love to hear
Speaker 1: an update on this because I think this is a
Speaker 1: situation where the door is not closed. I hear I'm
Speaker 1: seeing it. I'm hearing a little crack in the door.
Speaker 1: You know, you're wanting to do something there, and you're
Speaker 1: trying to figure it out. I wonder what you'll do.
Speaker 1: You need to hear this. We cannot make people apologize.
Speaker 1: We can desire an apology, we can feel like we
Speaker 1: deserve an apology, but when someone apologizes just to appease us,
Speaker 1: it is typically an authentic and their behaviors may not change.
Speaker 1: We cannot make people apologize. You need to hear this
Speaker 1: is an iHeart production hosted by Mendra Glover to wab
Speaker 1: Our executive producer is Joe L. Bodique. Our senior producer
Speaker 1: and editor is Mia Don Taylor. Send us a voice
Speaker 1: memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships that you
Speaker 1: need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Right now.
Speaker 1: I'm really interested in hearing more stories from parents who
Speaker 1: are strange from their children, also people who are having
Speaker 1: marriage issues. I don't know about you, but I feel
Speaker 1: like I am in this space of life where I'm
Speaker 1: hearing more and more about, you know, marriages and women
Speaker 1: initiating divorce. So I am really interested in hearing more
Speaker 1: about some of your marriage issues and self sabotage. What
Speaker 1: are you struggling with? What are some of the things
Speaker 1: that you find really hard to do? What are your barriers.
Speaker 1: What are your blocks. I'd love to hear more on
Speaker 1: three things estrangement, marriage issues, and self sabotage.