Speaker 1: Parents. Never underestimate the power of listening to your children.
Speaker 2: That's a fact, dead ass, And don't be that parent.
Speaker 2: That's just like, it's not my child. When you get
Speaker 2: advice from others, be diligent about looking into whatever that
Speaker 2: set issue may be.
Speaker 1: Dead ass.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 2: I make you need therapy most days.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 2: we are.
Speaker 3: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 3: li's most taboo topics, things.
Speaker 2: Most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing about the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take philosof to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: So I remember exactly where I was when I started
Speaker 1: to wonder, like what exactly was going on?
Speaker 2: But Dakota specific Dakota Okay.
Speaker 1: And it was trying to remember the month. I remember
Speaker 1: exactly when it happened, but it was during Jackson's football
Speaker 1: practices where I was spending a lot of time with Jackson,
Speaker 1: and me and Jackson were spending like three or four
Speaker 1: days together a bunch of hours preparing for football, and
Speaker 1: the koda. I'll come in the house and Dakota runs
Speaker 1: up to me, gives me a hug, right, and I'm saying,
Speaker 1: what's up, buddy? And now at this point, the coda's
Speaker 1: turning two, right, And I noticed that when he said
Speaker 1: certain sounds, or try to say certain sounds. I said
Speaker 1: things to him. He would say like eat, and I
Speaker 1: would say, hey, what's up, buddy? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: You having a good time? And rather than say yes,
Speaker 1: he would say eight. So at first I was like,
Speaker 1: it's interesting because he's not mimicking me. He's not imitating me,
Speaker 1: he's just making a sound. So at first I was like,
Speaker 1: it's not that big a deal. You know, he's not
Speaker 1: even two yet. You know, it is what it is.
Speaker 1: Then I remember on his second birthday when I was
Speaker 1: just like, oh, he's two now. I remember the boys
Speaker 1: around there two year old birthdays you know, they can
Speaker 1: scream out yay, you know what I'm saying, hi, bye bye.
Speaker 1: And then I remember his second birthday. We were doing like
Speaker 1: we do with all of them. We have a little
Speaker 1: cake and we celebrating with him, and I said, yo,
Speaker 1: your pample needs to be changed. Go get your pampa.
Speaker 1: I said, your pampa dirty. And then he said and
Speaker 1: I said, he's two now, he should be saying yes
Speaker 1: at this point he should. And what threw me off
Speaker 1: is that he's been saying mama, Dad, Papa, Mimi, and
Speaker 1: roro since he was like right after one. He's been
Speaker 1: saying those namesames. But now he's still only saying those
Speaker 1: words clearly, and he's saying eat. At that moment, I
Speaker 1: was like, maybe I should look into something. And that's
Speaker 1: when you took him for his two year old check
Speaker 1: check up and the doctor said, I want you guys
Speaker 1: to take Dakota to see a speech pathologist.
Speaker 2: Speech therapist be evaluated.
Speaker 1: He should be saying fifty words at this point or
Speaker 1: more and he was only saying those five. Yep.
Speaker 2: But the best part about it is that you told
Speaker 2: him to get his pamper. He brought the pamper, the wipes,
Speaker 2: and the A and D ointment and then laid on
Speaker 2: the couch like change me, sir. So it was several
Speaker 2: things here because he understands what you're saying. He was
Speaker 2: able to get everything done. But it's like, bro, you
Speaker 2: should also probably be using the potty now too. Karaoke time.
Speaker 1: So in honor of Dakota's middle name, his namesake, his name,
Speaker 1: I'm going to sing this song because I want this
Speaker 1: song to also resonate not only with him but with
Speaker 1: other parents. Yes, y'all know the Coolda's middle name is Marley.
Speaker 2: That's a fact why I say this. But't worry because
Speaker 2: it's gonna be alright. Yes, saying don't worry about because.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be alright.
Speaker 2: That's a fact. Everything's gonna be all right, baby, Yes,
Speaker 2: it's all good. Let's go pay some bills and we're
Speaker 2: gonna dive into this. This is something that we felt
Speaker 2: like we wanted to share with you. Guys are dead
Speaker 2: Ass family because in the spirit of sharing, like we
Speaker 2: always do, we're very transparent about what's happening in our lives.
Speaker 2: And since Dead Ass Podcast has kind of evolved into
Speaker 2: like a chronological order of what we're dealing with at
Speaker 2: the time. You know, we don't have a ton of
Speaker 2: guests anymore. We just love to talk to you guys directly.
Speaker 2: You can hear what's going on with our life, you
Speaker 2: guys to get at this point, you guys are the
Speaker 2: guests exactly. So we want to talk to you guys
Speaker 2: about what we've been diving into when it comes to
Speaker 2: our baby boy number four, Dakota, So stick around and
Speaker 2: we'll be back.
Speaker 1: All right, So let's talk a little bit more about
Speaker 1: story time because Kadeen and I feel like, first of all,
Speaker 1: d Coda is fine.
Speaker 2: Yes, let's start there.
Speaker 1: They had him tested. We had him tested. We took
Speaker 1: him to a speech therapist. Yes, and they do a
Speaker 1: series of tests for children his aims.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Deval and I were able to sit in on
Speaker 2: that as well to kind of see what the therapist
Speaker 2: was going to assess him on, you know, just to
Speaker 2: be of support and to also kind of get some
Speaker 2: tips and tricks about things we could start to work
Speaker 2: on with him immediately while we were waiting for the
Speaker 2: results of the assessment.
Speaker 1: And the biggest thing I learned from the assessment of
Speaker 1: there's two types of communication for children. Yes, they work
Speaker 1: on the receptive yes and then expressive yes, Donora, I
Speaker 1: mean doora Dakota. When it came to the receptive part
Speaker 1: of it scored very well.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: He pointed out over fifty shapes, colors, animals, shoes, bags, birds,
Speaker 1: things I didn't even know. She was like pointing to
Speaker 1: your eyes, ears, mouth, chin, hair, elbow, knee. She's like, wow,
Speaker 1: he knows all of his body parts. He knows all
Speaker 1: of the objects that someone his age is supposed to
Speaker 1: know and more.
Speaker 2: She also gave him some direction like can you go
Speaker 2: and get the ball? Can you go and get this?
Speaker 2: So he was doing all of those things so he
Speaker 2: understood exactly what was happening.
Speaker 1: He also was able to take direction for specific things
Speaker 1: that were a little bit more advanced. For example, can
Speaker 1: you take the ball out of the cup and give
Speaker 1: one ball to Daddy and give one ball to me?
Speaker 1: So it was like watching him do certain things. There
Speaker 1: was a moment there where Kadeen and I, you know,
Speaker 1: got a little emotional because I know I got emotional
Speaker 1: in part because I felt like we were the problem. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: you know, as parents want to get into why I
Speaker 1: felt like we were the problem. But when it came
Speaker 1: time to him for him to express himself. It was
Speaker 1: like he was choosing not to speak.
Speaker 2: And it's hard because it's like, in that moment, we're wondering,
Speaker 2: is he shy because this is a stranger that he's
Speaker 2: never met before, so that level of comfort hasn't been established.
Speaker 2: Is he just being stubborn and just doesn't want to
Speaker 2: talk or say anything.
Speaker 1: I was a hearing issue. They wanted to see if
Speaker 1: it was a hearing issue. But we tested for hearing and.
Speaker 2: That was fine, fine colors. So me as mom, you know,
Speaker 2: I start to kind of think about and it's hard
Speaker 2: because you have three children prior, and I tend to
Speaker 2: kind of compare, you know, where the other boys were
Speaker 2: at that phase. So I remember Jackson and Kaz. They
Speaker 2: spoke very clearly and very eloquently earlier on so meaning
Speaker 2: like you know a little over a year going into two,
Speaker 2: they were saying.
Speaker 1: A lot, but they weren't speaking I guess much. For example,
Speaker 1: like Kiro Chyro was gibberish.
Speaker 2: Right, So Cairo, I was gonna say, had like this.
Speaker 2: We used to joke about it and call it Kyrones
Speaker 2: like his own language, because he was so animated and
Speaker 2: he would just be babbling a lot, so we knew
Speaker 2: that he was trying to express himself. But once he
Speaker 2: finally caught his command of the English language, then it
Speaker 2: was like words speaking, full blown singing, I mean everything.
Speaker 2: So I for a while, when Dakota was approaching to
Speaker 2: my mom and my sister at two different points, had
Speaker 2: mentioned like, do you notice like the court doesn't really
Speaker 2: say as much, he doesn't repeat as much. So I
Speaker 2: was like, we'll give him a chance. Because every child
Speaker 2: is different, they developed differently, and just because we're the
Speaker 2: same two parents having four children, they're all so different
Speaker 2: and his pace may be different than the others. And
Speaker 2: let's face it, he's in a household with seven other
Speaker 2: people who we be talking all the goddamn time. You
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, well six because my dad is
Speaker 2: very quiet.
Speaker 1: But I remember that, Yeah, my.
Speaker 2: Dad is super quiet, so you know, between his brother's
Speaker 2: running around here, it was just kind of like we
Speaker 2: figured naturally he would just start talking because everybody else
Speaker 2: is talk Can we talk to him? We talk with him,
Speaker 2: you know. So there were things that I necessarily didn't
Speaker 2: see as a red flag because of that, and in
Speaker 2: retrospect now, and I think even in this moment when
Speaker 2: we were at the therapist's office and stuff. I got
Speaker 2: emotional because I felt like, man, was I doing him
Speaker 2: a disservice by not being more tuned in Earlier.
Speaker 1: I would I would say yes, and not you. I
Speaker 1: would say we as a collective. Yeah, And this is
Speaker 1: just a PSA for all parents. Typically, when you get
Speaker 1: to the second, third, fourth child, it's you know, wills
Speaker 1: are in motion. You know, Jackson got practiced, Kiro got art. No,
Speaker 1: Kiro has practiced, Kaz has art. We also have a tour,
Speaker 1: we're both working, and then the fourth child is like, well,
Speaker 1: he's around his brother, she'll figure it.
Speaker 2: Out, right, Or here's Mimi and Papa with him. You know,
Speaker 2: he's in good hands during the day, right.
Speaker 1: So we figured it out. When when you really look
Speaker 1: at it, that's not how we raised any of our
Speaker 1: other children. Jackson had specific time from one to two
Speaker 1: where he was just with dad at home. Yes, Cairo
Speaker 1: had specific time between one and two where he was
Speaker 1: just with dad at home. Jazz had that specific time
Speaker 1: where he was home with Mimi and we were working
Speaker 1: and she was focused on doing mem Sorry, But then
Speaker 1: when I look back at the colder, I said you
Speaker 1: know the colde is too now, and he's had no
Speaker 1: specific time with anyone. Pops is not an early childhood educator.
Speaker 1: Pops is a man of few words. Pops, like most
Speaker 1: granddads do, will put on whatever it is you want
Speaker 1: to watch. I'm gonna make sure you're healthy. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: make sure you're not bleeding. I'm gonna make sure and
Speaker 1: we're gonna show. So Pops would put on Coco melon.
Speaker 1: We as parents were just like, oh, it's cocomelon.
Speaker 2: This is good. Like kids, they're singing, they learned songs.
Speaker 2: He's doing the wheels of the bus. Okay. Cool.
Speaker 1: So when I go back and think about the two years,
Speaker 1: the code has been spending a lot of time in
Speaker 1: this house with a man who does not say much
Speaker 1: at all. So if you're a young toddler, who are
Speaker 1: you conversing with? If no one is speaking to you.
Speaker 1: His brothers go to school every day. When they come home,
Speaker 1: they go outside and play with each other until five
Speaker 1: six o'clock. Then they come inside and then it's getting
Speaker 1: ready to time for bed. No one's really paying specific
Speaker 1: attention to Dakota, right, And the reason why I feel
Speaker 1: like that's been the problem is because he's been to
Speaker 1: speech therapy now for three weeks and now he can repeat,
Speaker 1: which means all we had to do.
Speaker 2: Which starts the process of time.
Speaker 1: That was unfair to him.
Speaker 2: For sure, because you know, between Papa and then Mimi
Speaker 2: being here, I know mimis a lot more vocal and
Speaker 2: all that, but also too, like, it's not their responsibility
Speaker 2: per se to make sure that they are you know,
Speaker 2: being an educator, you know, it's a plus that we
Speaker 2: do have mom and dad here to assist, but the
Speaker 2: responsibility is not all on them to be able to
Speaker 2: do that. And we typically don't start our boys in
Speaker 2: school until they can speak. Jackson by two and a
Speaker 2: half was speaking and Cairo was the same thing. Kaz
Speaker 2: didn't have that opportunity because of the pandemic, but we
Speaker 2: normally put them in school so that the socialization component
Speaker 2: also encourages them to speak more their vocabulary expanse, because
Speaker 2: the teachers are now giving them more like So we
Speaker 2: also now reassessed when we were going to start Koda
Speaker 2: in school, thinking, you know what, let's start him immediately,
Speaker 2: because during those days when the boys are at school,
Speaker 2: you and I may have work or we're traveling. If
Speaker 2: he's at least in a school environment or an educational environment,
Speaker 2: he may be more apt to pick things up. Yes,
Speaker 2: so those are a couple of things that we have
Speaker 2: tried to do more recently once we discover that, you
Speaker 2: know what, he might be behind, like two or three months.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, when I think about even Cairo
Speaker 1: and Kaz, Cairo babbled earlier.
Speaker 2: Aggressed that, like a lot of things, right.
Speaker 1: Kaz was more articulate, but Kaz also was less vocal
Speaker 1: up until he was four. Yes, so even if you
Speaker 1: go back and look at the videos, Kash just did
Speaker 1: not speak to people. But there was moments where I
Speaker 1: remember Kaz was two and a half, Yes, mommy, I
Speaker 1: would like that, thank you.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: So it's like he won't speak, but when he speaks.
Speaker 2: Yes, he's articulate, professor, He was.
Speaker 1: Little, little professor, but Cairo was at and then now
Speaker 1: Cairo doesn't speak as much, but Kaz is super vocal.
Speaker 1: He has a bunch of questions. So I want to
Speaker 1: say that too. So also, don't don't put one barometer
Speaker 1: on all your children. If they're not doing this by
Speaker 1: this time, something is wrong. They evolved, they learned differently.
Speaker 1: They choose when they want to communicate and when they
Speaker 1: don't want to communicate. But this is also important what
Speaker 1: they watch. Yes, because Coda loved to watch Coco Melon.
Speaker 2: Which we didn't know is an over stimulant for children.
Speaker 2: Had no clue, So it's actually a deterrent for babies
Speaker 2: and children. They shouldn't be watching Coco Melon. In turn,
Speaker 2: they should be watching things like Miss Rachel, who was
Speaker 2: a human who's actually speaking to them, and she's words
Speaker 2: and she's encouraging the mimicking. You know. That's a more
Speaker 2: educational route when it comes to TV and screen time,
Speaker 2: which has.
Speaker 1: Helped him because he's learned, he's learned how to pronounce
Speaker 1: certain words. I play that Miss Rachel Wheels on the
Speaker 1: Bus video so much, but now he's wheels on the
Speaker 1: bus and he's.
Speaker 2: Doing it in the car today.
Speaker 1: Actually, just practicing the use of that language while watching
Speaker 1: a human do it is different than watching a cartoon
Speaker 1: that looks like the alien with the words underneath and
Speaker 1: the bouncing ball and music and flashing lights. For young kids,
Speaker 1: they don't know what they're seeing. And I remember watching
Speaker 1: Sesame Street and think about how primitive Sesame Street is
Speaker 1: the letter of the day is A say A and
Speaker 1: they put that A up there a A and it's like, yo, like,
Speaker 1: my kid ain't slow. But then when you think it.
Speaker 2: Was a method to that madness, Yes there was a
Speaker 2: method to that, which makes sense. So it's like going
Speaker 2: back to the roots of some things that are just
Speaker 2: timeless when it comes to early childhood development and education,
Speaker 2: which we didn't know. So yeah, it's been one of
Speaker 2: those things where Deval and I kind of struggled a
Speaker 2: bit with it because you know, naturally his parents would
Speaker 2: want to be able to give our kid every opportunity
Speaker 2: to be successful, even at two wherever he should be
Speaker 2: at two. But I also once I spoke to his
Speaker 2: doctor at that two year checkup, she didn't seem overly
Speaker 2: concerned because there were other milestone markers that he met,
Speaker 2: Like she literally gave me this whole exam that I
Speaker 2: had to fill out for him. Can he do this?
Speaker 2: Can he take a ball and put it in a cup?
Speaker 2: Can he stack blocks?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Can he take direction if you ask him to put
Speaker 2: something in the garbage? Like there were things that he
Speaker 2: was doing, so she wasn't overly concerned. And though she
Speaker 2: made the recommendation to have him evaluated. I didn't want
Speaker 2: to be that parent that sometime gets yeah, that panics
Speaker 2: or also gets offended. And she kind of was like
Speaker 2: treading lightly with when she told me. She's like, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm just making a recommendation to you and our doctor.
Speaker 2: I love her to death. She's a sister too, so
Speaker 2: I'm just like, shoot it straight to this. If it
Speaker 2: was baby, what would you do? Like, you don't want
Speaker 2: to tiptoe around me. I'm not a sensitive parent, like
Speaker 2: say what it is. And she's just like, no, I
Speaker 2: would recommend just getting him at least evaluated. So I said,
Speaker 2: I appreciate that, sad because I'm not the parent that's
Speaker 2: just like, no, my child is fine. You ain't only
Speaker 2: labeling my child. It wasn't that for me. It was
Speaker 2: like what do I need to do to set him
Speaker 2: up for success? Absolutely, And the minute she said that,
Speaker 2: I found a speech therapist that I really liked in the.
Speaker 1: Areas day when Kadeen does not play when it comes
Speaker 1: to education. The next day she's like, the vow, these
Speaker 1: are the speech therapist. When do you have time? We
Speaker 1: went together and we made it a point to let
Speaker 1: the doctors know that he has both of his parents
Speaker 1: in his life who are going to be here in
Speaker 1: this process absolutely, because I always also feel like when
Speaker 1: they see both mom and dad, yes they know that
Speaker 1: not only the baby is supported, but mom supported. He's
Speaker 1: not going to be a combative thing. Where now we
Speaker 1: don't know if we're going to get the child all
Speaker 1: the time, because sometimes it's like, oh, my son don't
Speaker 1: need that. You know, you can take them when you want.
Speaker 1: My son don't need that. Then when Dad's turn to
Speaker 1: take them, he's not taking them right right. No, I
Speaker 1: wanted to be very clear that they knew that Dakoda
Speaker 1: was supported by both of us for sure.
Speaker 2: For sure, and so far, I mean, he hasn't been
Speaker 2: exposed to the school environment yet. So the first visit
Speaker 2: was a little bit kind of you know, he was apprehensive.
Speaker 2: He was just like, where are we going? Where I'm
Speaker 2: going with this.
Speaker 1: Lady came to his first one?
Speaker 2: Yeah, everyone tour. Now it's funny, like it's good that
Speaker 2: you mentioned me because this jogged idea or you know
Speaker 2: something I wanted to say before. But Mimi is grandma. Okay,
Speaker 2: Mimi is Grandma. She's fabulous, and all we know that
Speaker 2: but at the end of the day, she is grandma,
Speaker 2: and those boys know that Mimi has a weakness for them. Yes,
Speaker 2: and Mimi is going to do whatever it is they
Speaker 2: want her to do and pop up. But I say
Speaker 2: Mimi specifically because when Mimi took him to his visit,
Speaker 2: he was like, eh, I don't want to, Like he
Speaker 2: was sticking in clinging to Mimi and did not want
Speaker 2: to go with the speech therapist because he knows with Mimi. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So even to say if Mimi sits down with him
Speaker 2: and she's doing flash cars or colors, he's not engaging
Speaker 2: with her in that capacity, Nope, because Mimi is fun
Speaker 2: as she should be, you know. So that's when Deval
Speaker 2: and I had to step back and say, you know what,
Speaker 2: that's not Mimi's sole responsibility to have to do that.
Speaker 2: Do we encourage it during the day when she has
Speaker 2: time with him, Absolutely, But the boys know that Mimi
Speaker 2: and Papa will always try to bail them out of
Speaker 2: a situation. Absolutely, you know. And that's the particularly difficult
Speaker 2: thing about having my parents living full time. Sometimes the
Speaker 2: lines get blurred when it comes to boundaries and parameters
Speaker 2: and things that they have permission to do. So it's
Speaker 2: funny to see how Dakota acted differently when Mimi took
Speaker 2: him into therapy versus when you and I took him.
Speaker 1: That's a great point because that also puts us on
Speaker 1: notice of how important it is for us to not
Speaker 1: put off all of our responsibilities on your parents, right,
Speaker 1: because a lot of our parents do that.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: It was just like, oh, well, my parents got him,
Speaker 1: so that's that's cool. There is a dynamic there between
Speaker 1: grandparents and grandchildren that is unspoken, but everyone knows what
Speaker 1: it is. And that dynamic is this, my grandparents love
Speaker 1: me so much more than they love my parents, and
Speaker 1: I can get away with not doing what my parents
Speaker 1: say with my grandparents absolutely. Now there's also a different
Speaker 1: dynamic between mom and dad. For example, me and Kay
Speaker 1: took Kolder to a second one. The minute we get there,
Speaker 1: he looks at me, he looks at Kay, he separates
Speaker 1: from us because it's almost as if he knows, like, okay,
Speaker 1: I can't do the Mimi thing. This is going to
Speaker 1: do what they want me to do. Right. We get
Speaker 1: down there and the doctor says, you know, when he
Speaker 1: came the last time, he didn't repeat any words. I
Speaker 1: can't write down what Mimi says that he says at home.
Speaker 1: I have to hear it. So then I go say, Mama, Mama,
Speaker 1: say Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, who's Dakota me? And she's like,
Speaker 1: oh wow. I said yes, because there's a different disciplinary action.
Speaker 1: Mom is sitting there at me and Kase sitting there.
Speaker 1: I said, he has to learn how to do these
Speaker 1: things when we're not here. I said, Yo, Dakota, we're
Speaker 1: going to leave. We're not sneaking out. We don't do
Speaker 1: the sneak out thing. We're going outside. We will be
Speaker 1: right back, buddy. Okay. He looked at us and he
Speaker 1: kind of was walking towards the door, and in Case
Speaker 1: said no, baby, you have to wait. You have to stay.
Speaker 1: And at that moment it was like okay, Dad said
Speaker 1: have to stay. Mom gave me reassurance I'll be fine.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: We walked out, closed the door, we listened to see
Speaker 1: if we was going to hear the cry, and then
Speaker 1: we just kept it go on. And that to me
Speaker 1: was also important because I had my mom and my
Speaker 1: dad here. They're both telling me that they're going to
Speaker 1: be back. Yes, Dad always is the disciplinarian, but Mom
Speaker 1: takes care of me. So it seems like in his
Speaker 1: heart he like, they won't let me. Nothing happen to me.
Speaker 2: I'll be fine, right, And then when he came.
Speaker 1: Back in the doctor was just like night and day.
Speaker 1: I don't know what happened. And I'm like.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, She's like yeah, he was great. He was great.
Speaker 2: So then here we are this morning was his fourth visit.
Speaker 2: I believe four visits now, God so slowly, little by little.
Speaker 2: On that second visit, well, first visit with me me
Speaker 2: because we were on tour. Yes, he didn't want to
Speaker 2: leave me me's side. Second visit with mom and dad.
Speaker 2: Ten minutes in we left the room, little tentative, but
Speaker 2: he stayed, but he stayed. Third visit, we made it
Speaker 2: into the waiting area. Then the therapist came out, Hey, Dakota,
Speaker 2: do you want to go play with the bubbles? Do
Speaker 2: you want to play with the pig? There's this one
Speaker 2: tour that he likes this pig. So he was like,
Speaker 2: oh yeah, like he knew, gone walked in with her
Speaker 2: today when I went today. Dival didn't go today, but
Speaker 2: I went today to take him. And as soon as
Speaker 2: she saw my car pull up, she was outside and
Speaker 2: she took him out of the car. See and she
Speaker 2: was like, hey, Coda, good to see you today. Are
Speaker 2: we going to go talk? And he went and walked
Speaker 2: right in with her. Now he did look back about
Speaker 2: three four times. Yo, you go no hot tail it
Speaker 2: out of here. So I was like, mommy's gonna go
Speaker 2: get some gas and come back. Okay, you're gonna go
Speaker 2: with miss and I said her name and he just
Speaker 2: kind of nodded, and I said, you're gonna say yes,
Speaker 2: and he said yes, and then he went inside. And
Speaker 2: she text me a couple of minutes in and she's like,
Speaker 2: he's great.
Speaker 1: That's that's progress.
Speaker 2: That's progress already. And then I come out of the visit.
Speaker 2: Now she sees my car pulled back up and she
Speaker 2: brings him out back to the car and she was
Speaker 2: like wow. She said, you guys have really been working
Speaker 2: with him, haven't you. And I said, I said, listen, girl,
Speaker 2: I said, we don't play games over here. You tell
Speaker 2: us what we have to do, we're gonna do it.
Speaker 2: And then some she said, I can tell. She said
Speaker 2: he's doing way more mimicking. He's repeating, he was saying
Speaker 2: help me, he said please. He just so many things
Speaker 2: that he's just he.
Speaker 1: Said please, said he said please, because Dakota also been
Speaker 1: watching Miss Rachel. So there's two things I know that
Speaker 1: he likes to sign, well three things. He will sign
Speaker 1: thank you, he will sign please, he will sign more yes.
Speaker 1: But she said to work on saying more and sign
Speaker 1: it and saying please.
Speaker 2: So he actually please today to her. So she was
Speaker 2: trying to get him to do help me please, but
Speaker 2: she said that's a little ambitious, just three words together.
Speaker 2: But he does help me. And then he did please separately,
Speaker 2: which was great because he was reliant a lot on
Speaker 2: the sign language too, which in the very beginning when
Speaker 2: you're teaching children sign language, it's just an easier way
Speaker 2: for you to communicate with them when they're super young, right, absolutely.
Speaker 2: But I didn't realize because he's the first child that
Speaker 2: we really did sign language with, and I didn't realize
Speaker 2: how much of a reliance he had on the sign language,
Speaker 2: and I didn't know if that was also interfering with
Speaker 2: his actual verbal as well.
Speaker 1: I did think about that because Solving's children slicks children
Speaker 1: remember they speak multiple language, and I remember Rema because
Speaker 1: she's also big on neurological movement in early child education.
Speaker 1: Children who learned multiple languages and sign language typically don't
Speaker 1: speak as early as someone who learns one good point,
Speaker 1: so they typically they're trying to figure out which word
Speaker 1: and which language do I use in this moment, So
Speaker 1: at times it could be confusing, yes, and then once
Speaker 1: they hit the ground, it's boomed. So at times I thought, well,
Speaker 1: maybe the sign language is throwing him off, but it
Speaker 1: wasn't that. It was really just us in lack of
Speaker 1: lack of repetition. But we also have a really good
Speaker 1: village because once we told Papa and Mimi no cocomelon.
Speaker 1: Papa and Mimi does not put cocomelon on that television.
Speaker 1: His brothers are very diligent because we made it a
Speaker 1: family thing. We said, hey, guys, your brother's not speaking
Speaker 1: where we want him to speak yet, so we have
Speaker 1: to do a better job of not giving him the
Speaker 1: things he wants until he repeats. So if he's saying,
Speaker 1: you know, juice, don't just go because that's what you know,
Speaker 1: big brothers do. He would grab Kiro's hand, Ro Ro
Speaker 1: Ro Ro walk Cairo all the way to the fridge,
Speaker 1: right open it and point and Kiro would just get it,
Speaker 1: open it and give it to him. So now I'm like, Kyro,
Speaker 1: you can't do that. You got to make him say juice.
Speaker 1: And then Kiro was gonna frustrat. He's like, Dad, he
Speaker 1: won't repeat us. I said, start with you just jeah.
Speaker 1: So I'm watching him now he's pulling him. He's just
Speaker 1: like because Kiro wouldn't give it to him. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: these are the things we have to do as a
Speaker 1: family to help him get into that repetition of saying
Speaker 1: what he wants, not just pointing.
Speaker 2: Listen, y'all, it'd be celebrations up in here several times
Speaker 2: a day, okay, Like it's over the top, and like
Speaker 2: you said, we do have a great village. Mom and
Speaker 2: Dad have now been making sure that they're compliant with
Speaker 2: everything that we want to enforce. And just even like
Speaker 2: friends and family who come by, like my sister's in
Speaker 2: town and she's just like, you have to say cup
Speaker 2: cup yep. You know, Uncle Matt is just like, no,
Speaker 2: say say this word, say that word.
Speaker 1: Like, I'm glad you brought that up. It was never
Speaker 1: an embarrassment thing for us. You know how some parents
Speaker 1: get embarrassed and said, oh my child is speech to lake,
Speaker 1: don't tell anyone.
Speaker 2: Because we quite frankly didn't even have to do an
Speaker 2: episode on this. We could have just been like, all right,
Speaker 2: we'll just let it rock. But but why we.
Speaker 1: Have to stop shaming people who learn differently. We're shaming
Speaker 1: children who don't do everything on par with the rest
Speaker 1: of our children. How about we rally around them. You
Speaker 1: can't have the village rally around them if you're too
Speaker 1: ashamed to tell people. My child may be a little
Speaker 1: delayed because of something I did, or maybe something that's.
Speaker 2: Wrong with he didn't do it, well, I didn't do right.
Speaker 1: You don't know. But our village, all of our friends.
Speaker 1: The first thing we tell him, hey, we're dealing with
Speaker 1: a speech delayed with the coda. So if he points
Speaker 1: to something, if he tells me, try to get him
Speaker 1: to repeat. You know, he has all his uncles. Here
Speaker 1: is Josh here, Matt here, Uncle Chris comes with my brother.
Speaker 1: Were telling everybody in our family, Hey, this is what
Speaker 1: we're dealing with. We need you'all to rally around it.
Speaker 1: So we implore anyone who's going through this with a child,
Speaker 1: don't be ashamed. No, you don't have to feel like
Speaker 1: something is wrong and most of the time speech delays
Speaker 1: are not permanent. No speach delays or something early. You
Speaker 1: can boom and they'll be like I never would have
Speaker 1: thought that he was.
Speaker 2: And all it took was a little refocusing on our side,
Speaker 2: right because like we said when we talked about even
Speaker 2: just like this being our last tour and us just
Speaker 2: not having like the capacity to be able to do
Speaker 2: it between work and family and stuff. These are the
Speaker 2: things that we are taking into consideration, like having to
Speaker 2: spend more time physically in the house with our children
Speaker 2: because they're all dealing with something different and it's four
Speaker 2: different things that one time we have coded with the
Speaker 2: speech delay. You know, Jackson had a low moment last night.
Speaker 2: We had to talk to him about some stuff like
Speaker 2: there's always something that somebody is dealing with and there's
Speaker 2: no more power than being here physically to deal with
Speaker 2: it head on.
Speaker 1: And not for nothing, Jackson wasn't speech delayed, but Jackson
Speaker 1: dealt with a stuttering issue.
Speaker 2: I forgot. Yeah, Jackson was stuttering, which is part.
Speaker 1: Of the reason why we were so adamant about putting
Speaker 1: him in debate, because with Jackson, his issue was thinking
Speaker 1: fast and trying to get the words out without saying, hey,
Speaker 1: let the words come. And Jackson be thinking and thinking
Speaker 1: and he's very I forgot the exact word, but he's
Speaker 1: almost like a computer when we.
Speaker 2: Take downloading and he's trying to say it while it's downloading,
Speaker 2: and it's buffering.
Speaker 1: Buffering, That's what it was like. He was buffering, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, bro, so you don't have to rush and
Speaker 1: get it out. And then the practice, the constant practice
Speaker 1: is staying on him and say the end of the
Speaker 1: words and working on different exercises.
Speaker 2: It was a concern for me early on, only because
Speaker 2: I'm stuttering runs in my family on my mom's side.
Speaker 2: Remember my grandfather. My grandfather studied his entire life. I
Speaker 2: have an aunt who's still to this day studies. She's
Speaker 2: a lot better now. She's actually an ELA teacher, which
Speaker 2: is amazing that I'm proud of her because she's overcome
Speaker 2: so much of it. She does still have it every
Speaker 2: now and again, but she's overcome a lot of it.
Speaker 2: And then another aunt of mine stuttered as well too,
Speaker 2: So when Jackson was stuttering early on, I'm like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, this this is just like a genetic thing
Speaker 2: that he couldn't overcome. But I'm thinking about back then,
Speaker 2: my grandfather didn't have the resources within his community developmentally
Speaker 2: to get any kind of therapy if that was necessary.
Speaker 2: But with us, we did speak to his pediatrician about
Speaker 2: it at the time Jackson, and he too didn't seem
Speaker 2: too concerned, but he did say, that's probably what it is,
Speaker 2: just practicing. So between debate and then seeing Jackson on
Speaker 2: stage age at the Apollo introducing you and delivering this
Speaker 2: whole speech that he wrote, it was just a proud
Speaker 2: moment for us too, because he's come a long way
Speaker 2: with that. Well.
Speaker 1: For the past couple of years, he has exercise that
Speaker 1: he and I do right, And when I feel like
Speaker 1: sometimes he's getting ahead of himself, I say, slow down, Yeah,
Speaker 1: say red Rover, red Rover, Win is just really over
Speaker 1: and you'll say it, say who, what, where? When? Why? How?
Speaker 1: Say she sells by the sea shore And it teaches
Speaker 1: him to slow down, say the beginning and the end
Speaker 1: of every word, and just those constant practices became muscle
Speaker 1: memory because he used to he used to struggle with
Speaker 1: the s's, the w's in the rs and it was
Speaker 1: like the minute we get to ess and I'm like hey, hey,
Speaker 1: and it was like not shaming him, No, definitely, you know,
Speaker 1: not doing things like I hear some some parents when
Speaker 1: I was in Prototype, had a couple kids who used
Speaker 1: to stutter with stammer and they would be stuttering, and
Speaker 1: you would hear mothers yo get on stammer and stammering
Speaker 1: and screaming, and then their kids would be shocked and
Speaker 1: they would be stopping.
Speaker 2: I'd be like yo, yo, like right because for them,
Speaker 2: of course, it can be embarrassing.
Speaker 1: Of course, and we're talking about kids who were eight
Speaker 1: nine years old. We're still in that development phase, like
Speaker 1: their brains haven't really fully developed in so they don't
Speaker 1: know what's going on. And we do a lot more
Speaker 1: harm to our children by ignoring their issues and then
Speaker 1: shaming them in front of other people for not self
Speaker 1: correcting their own issues that they don't know that they have.
Speaker 2: Absolute they're not even equipped to be able to do that.
Speaker 2: So we have some facts and stats that I want
Speaker 2: to jump into just some overall general things that Triple
Speaker 2: has come up with for you guys. When we're talking
Speaker 2: about developmental potential delays with children, Timely identification of delay
Speaker 2: by primary care physicians can allow for early intervention and
Speaker 2: reduce disability.
Speaker 1: So, like we said, going through two year old checkup.
Speaker 2: Two year old check and those milestone marker checkups are
Speaker 2: super important to make sure that you're on One out
Speaker 2: of five children will learn to talk or use words
Speaker 2: later than other children their age. Some children will also
Speaker 2: show behavioral problems because they are frustrated when they can't
Speaker 2: express what they want or need.
Speaker 1: Now think about that, you said one in five have
Speaker 1: four boys, right, right, So it means that if you
Speaker 1: know one of them.
Speaker 2: Probability one of them may.
Speaker 1: They might not all of them or all of them.
Speaker 1: But we knew we were going to get one.
Speaker 2: Right, and we got one. Yeah, exactly, And it's funny.
Speaker 2: I do notice sometimes the CODA gets annoyed or frustrated
Speaker 2: if he's trying to express what something that he wants
Speaker 2: and he can't say the words yet, but he'll get upset,
Speaker 2: so he'll just either motion for or sign something that
Speaker 2: he wants. Simple speech delays are sometimes temporary. They may
Speaker 2: resolve on their own or with a little extra help
Speaker 2: from family. It's important to encourage your child to talk
Speaker 2: to you with gestures or sounds, and for you to
Speaker 2: spend lots of time playing with them, reading to them,
Speaker 2: talking with your infant or toddler, and in some cases
Speaker 2: your child will need more help from a trained professional,
Speaker 2: a speech and language therapists to learn to communicate. One thing,
Speaker 2: I also realized that we weren't doing with Coda as
Speaker 2: much that we did with the younger boys. For example,
Speaker 2: he's in this house a lot. Yes, he's not out,
Speaker 2: he's not exploring. You know, Dad will take him on
Speaker 2: walks and stuff during the day to get some fresh air.
Speaker 2: But Jackson, Cairo and Kads were literally intransit with us
Speaker 2: all the time. So when we're in the car and
Speaker 2: we're driving around Brooklyn, you point out the building, the car,
Speaker 2: the truck, this, the dog. And there was a lot
Speaker 2: more of that happening with our three younger boys, whereas
Speaker 2: with Coda just be like fresh Prince of fresh Prince
Speaker 2: of atl children in the house all day that Now
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, I'm going to be more deliberate. The
Speaker 2: weather's getting nicer, yep, I'm going to take him to
Speaker 2: the park more. We're going to have moments where he
Speaker 2: can go shopping with me, we can point things out
Speaker 2: like That's one thing I realized that we weren't doing
Speaker 2: with the Coda that we did with the other three.
Speaker 2: And research suggests that the first six months of life
Speaker 2: are the most crucial for the child's development of language skills.
Speaker 2: For a person to become fully competent in any language,
Speaker 2: exposure must begin as early as possible, preferably before school age.
Speaker 1: I would have to definitely agree with this. When you
Speaker 1: have your first child, you put all your energy into
Speaker 1: the first. Then you have the second, you have to
Speaker 1: split time you have the third. It's impossible to split
Speaker 1: time between two and your career. So it's typically the
Speaker 1: third child is the one who gets the least amount
Speaker 1: of love. I saw it with my family, my sister
Speaker 1: Tori with Sakari.
Speaker 2: Not the least amount of love.
Speaker 1: But you're not love. They don't get the least amount
Speaker 1: of love. But I mean, I mean, I will, I
Speaker 1: would say love even you know, my parents probably hugged
Speaker 1: up and kissed up on us more than they did
Speaker 1: my sister, because you know they did you. Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: just so much going on and that affection component. When
Speaker 1: I watched the speech therapists with Dakota, all they're doing
Speaker 1: is playing. And when I mean love that's the type
Speaker 1: of love.
Speaker 2: And positive reinforcements, of course.
Speaker 1: But but with Jackson, I took time with love to
Speaker 1: let's play with the blocks. With Dakota, I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: There were times like, yo, go find your brothers because
Speaker 1: I figured he has someone who's gonna play with it.
Speaker 1: But these little dudes is on the video game playing
Speaker 1: roadblocks and they don't got time for a toddler. It's
Speaker 1: unfair as parents if you're going to continue to have
Speaker 1: children to not say I'm going to give the same
Speaker 1: amount of love, attention and discipline to the fourth as
Speaker 1: I did to the first. And I know I'm guilty
Speaker 1: of that, absolutely, That's what I feel like it's going
Speaker 1: to change. That's like you see huge wake up call
Speaker 1: for why are we not going on tour as much?
Speaker 1: Why are we not doing as much. It's also just
Speaker 1: more imperative that we spend time with them because they
Speaker 1: talk about early childhood development the first six months. But
Speaker 1: now Jackson is in that middle school age. He needs
Speaker 1: still needs dad's attention.
Speaker 2: Oh for sure.
Speaker 1: Cayrol and kas are in elementary school, so they need
Speaker 1: our attention. So we're at a point now where it's
Speaker 1: like The most important thing is our children and how
Speaker 1: they develop, for sure.
Speaker 2: And I think you and I can do a good
Speaker 2: job once we put the time and effort into it
Speaker 2: by dividing and conquering. So maybe you designating a day
Speaker 2: where you're like, yo, I'm rocking with Cairo today, babe, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm doing something with him. And then I'm like, all right, cool,
Speaker 2: I got colder, Like I pull out a ton of
Speaker 2: books already, Like I've been rearranging the play area just
Speaker 2: to make sure that I'm doing those things with him deliberately.
Speaker 1: What you said is something that I noticed too. You've
Speaker 1: given them now a designated learning area. Yeah, they had
Speaker 1: that when we were in Calabasis. Yes, they had that.
Speaker 1: When we got here, we never had a designated learning area.
Speaker 1: Whereas this is the time where we're going to sit down,
Speaker 1: and yes, and Dakota needs that. That's the regiment they
Speaker 1: need sometimes while you get a speech therapist because they
Speaker 1: know what this time on these days, I'm going.
Speaker 2: To learn for sure. For sure, children three and younger
Speaker 2: showing signs of speech, language, or developmental delays maybe referred
Speaker 2: to an early intervention specialist. Early intervention is a federal
Speaker 2: and state funded program that helps children and their families,
Speaker 2: which is awesome for families if you have insurance. That
Speaker 2: was one of the things that Deval and I were
Speaker 2: able to look into where pretty much all of his
Speaker 2: visits will be covered by insurance because they're in support
Speaker 2: of making sure that children have what they need, particularly
Speaker 2: when it comes to early intervention specialties and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: And that's important because so many families feel like I
Speaker 1: can't afford this service.
Speaker 2: So that you just may shy away from me.
Speaker 1: Shy away from minute. All you have to do is
Speaker 1: do to research to find out what you qualify.
Speaker 2: For advocate for your child. And I have another friend
Speaker 2: of ours who her son is on the spectrum and
Speaker 2: she's realizing he had a hearing issue. There's a couple
Speaker 2: of things happening and baby. She went to town trying
Speaker 2: to find every resource, every grant, every doctor who was
Speaker 2: within whatever network to make sure that her son got
Speaker 2: every opportunity. I mean, there's some really really high end
Speaker 2: schools that are specialized in early intervention specialties. So yeah,
Speaker 2: you have to do your research as the parent and
Speaker 2: see what's available to you at little to no costs,
Speaker 2: you know, So all right, y'all, So stick around. We
Speaker 2: are going to come back with listener letters. Hope that
Speaker 2: with some helpful information for you all. And of course
Speaker 2: we always want to encourage parents to you know, when
Speaker 2: the parent guilt kicks in, try to reel that back
Speaker 2: in and just say, you know what, instead of making
Speaker 2: this about me, how can I spend the energy being
Speaker 2: positive and proactive about helping my child? So stick around.
Speaker 2: We're going to pay some bills and we'll be back
Speaker 2: with listener letters.
Speaker 1: All right, guys, we're back. So we are back with
Speaker 1: Kadeen's favorite part because I'm gonna go first today. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: I need a little advice. So I'm thirty with a
Speaker 1: nine year old son and my boyfriend is thirty three
Speaker 1: with no kids. We have officially been together for two years.
Speaker 1: We have been living together for a year and a
Speaker 1: few months now. A couple months into moving in, I
Speaker 1: noticed that he didn't want to have sex as much,
Speaker 1: and since then we have only been having sex once
Speaker 1: or twice a month now. Beforehand, our sex life was
Speaker 1: filled with so much passion intimacy, so I knew that
Speaker 1: something was wrong. He mentioned a few things when I
Speaker 1: brought it up. He said that stepping into a stepdad
Speaker 1: role was a lot in him just not being happy
Speaker 1: about the area that we lived in. But something was
Speaker 1: just not adding up, because what does that have to
Speaker 1: do with sex. It would be times that my son
Speaker 1: isn't home and he still wouldn't touch me. Then eventually,
Speaker 1: after a few conversations, he tells me that my weight
Speaker 1: is alarming for him, and I understood because I knew
Speaker 1: I was gaining weight and I felt uncomfortable myself. I
Speaker 1: am one hundred and sixty five pounds and I'm four eleven.
Speaker 1: Definitely a thick girl, but I'm not obese. I put
Speaker 1: on about thirty pounds since we met. Thirty pounds on
Speaker 1: a four foot eleven frame is a lot of weight
Speaker 1: I noticed as a trainer. I'm not judging you missed,
Speaker 1: but thirty pounds on a four to eleven frame, I'm
Speaker 1: speaking as an athlete when we talk about weight for years,
Speaker 1: you know, especially dealing with women. So yeah, now I
Speaker 1: know he says it's alarming, but he didn't tell me
Speaker 1: how serious it actually was for him. So once we
Speaker 1: made two years, I sat him down and told him
Speaker 1: I couldn't take it anymore. And I am sexually frustrated,
Speaker 1: which is good. You should tell him that. Then he
Speaker 1: started telling me how he feels about my weight again.
Speaker 1: He's now in the habit of just relieving himself. He
Speaker 1: sometimes puts a pillow over his face. What He sometimes
Speaker 1: puts a pillow over his face when we have sex
Speaker 1: and does not try to please me anymore. And it
Speaker 1: dawned on me he really can't stomach the thought of
Speaker 1: having sex with me at all, and that fucked with
Speaker 1: me heavy. He would still show me affection like kisses
Speaker 1: and hugs on a daily basis, So in my head
Speaker 1: I was thinking that he still found me somewhat attractive,
Speaker 1: but I guess when it comes to sex, he just
Speaker 1: can't look past it. I know I'm going to get
Speaker 1: fit and slim down just because I want it for myself.
Speaker 1: But my question is should I even stay with someone
Speaker 1: who can't handle the fluff because it sounds like being
Speaker 1: slim is necessity for him, and I don't want to
Speaker 1: feel like I have to constantly look a certain way
Speaker 1: for him to accept me. Thank you for reading love y'all.
Speaker 2: Who that was a lot. That was a lot. I
Speaker 2: will say, first of all, you getting into whatever shape
Speaker 2: that you feel most comfortable with. Has to start with
Speaker 2: doing it for you. Yes, that's first and foremost. Nobody
Speaker 2: can tell you make you feel you want to have
Speaker 2: to do this because you're the one that has to
Speaker 2: physically put in the work. Yes, put in the time,
Speaker 2: changed diet. There's been many times when devo and it's
Speaker 2: only I'm saying I'm using this as a reference only
Speaker 2: because it's what I wanted where I would be like, man,
Speaker 2: I'm trying to get back after this baby, or you know,
Speaker 2: I have something that I want to do or trip
Speaker 2: coming up, and I want to fit into a certain outfit.
Speaker 2: And he was holding me accountable because I said I
Speaker 2: wanted to look a certain kind of way.
Speaker 1: That's fair, but I also wanted you to look a
Speaker 1: certain way. I don't want that to be to go.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. I was going to give your chance to
Speaker 2: say that too, because that's also very necessary. But I
Speaker 2: wanted to be able to feel comfortable with myself. But
Speaker 2: I had to be the one that was ready to
Speaker 2: do the work. That being said, sis, I think it's
Speaker 2: unfair if your guy met you a certain kind of
Speaker 2: way for you to then let yourself go that far
Speaker 2: and then not take into consideration that how that might
Speaker 2: affect him. And that's just me being completely honest. I
Speaker 2: like I in my circumstance with Devo, for example, I
Speaker 2: know that Deval likes when I'm in shape, he likes
Speaker 2: when I'm fit, and I felt like I wanted to
Speaker 2: get back to a space where this is when Deval
Speaker 2: met me, I looked like this. I want to be
Speaker 2: back there for him as well too. Now does it
Speaker 2: mean that he's no longer going to love you if
Speaker 2: you gained thirty pounds, Now that's a problem.
Speaker 1: That is because Cadeen gained forty pounds with Jackson and
Speaker 1: I still loved her. Yeah, and I mean I still
Speaker 1: loved her like the fluff and forty pounds on a
Speaker 1: five foot five frame is still a lot of weight,
Speaker 1: but it was distributed nicely. So again, in my in
Speaker 1: my defense, I was still in love with how she
Speaker 1: looked even before she gained weight. But I also knew
Speaker 1: that that was temporary. I knew that there was going
Speaker 1: to be a process. I also want to add this
Speaker 1: that doesn't only go one way, right My group friend
Speaker 1: my friend group, especially my fellas, we talk about how
Speaker 1: we look for our wives and we will clown each other. Like, dude,
Speaker 1: you were a professional athlete or a collegiate athlete, and
Speaker 1: that woman met you with a six pack, she was
Speaker 1: tall and strapping. And now you're retired and you let
Speaker 1: yourself go, and you still expect that woman to be
Speaker 1: ready for what you want sexually. That's not fair to her.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, I will die on this hill. Okay,
Speaker 1: I would die on this hill. Women will tell you
Speaker 1: and the heartbeat, I want a man who's six footing up.
Speaker 1: Men can't control their height at all, but women are
Speaker 1: fine saying he got to be six foot, he got it, okay.
Speaker 1: So when a man says she gotta be twenty eight
Speaker 1: inch waist, you can't then say that's unfair, right the
Speaker 1: same way you'll say, well, there's some women who can't
Speaker 1: control their weight, that's true, but no man can control
Speaker 1: his height, and women don't have a problem saying that.
Speaker 1: So if we all have standards, which you have to
Speaker 1: do is find someone who has the same standard that
Speaker 1: you have. Don't lower your standards, but also don't ask
Speaker 1: someone to lower their standard. If you have a standard
Speaker 1: that you expect your partner to uphold. And I would
Speaker 1: die on this hill. I love to be okay, I
Speaker 1: hate the beard. I say this all the time. I
Speaker 1: don't like it. It makes me itch. My wife loves
Speaker 1: the beard. But I also understand this. I have a
Speaker 1: responsibility to be my wife's fantasy. If I'm going to
Speaker 1: ask my wife to dedicate her life and all her
Speaker 1: sexual exploits to me, I can't then tell you give
Speaker 1: me all of you, but give me all of you
Speaker 1: the way I want you to give me. Only that's
Speaker 1: not fair. There's a give and take, and part of
Speaker 1: that giving intake, for both men and women is being
Speaker 1: in shape.
Speaker 2: That's essentially what I was getting at. And I know
Speaker 2: it might sound harsh and some women may not agree
Speaker 2: with me when I say, girl, you got it, Like
Speaker 2: just gaining thirty pounds is not okay. It's not okay.
Speaker 2: First off, for your health, health, for your own health
Speaker 2: and well being, that's the first thing. And forget vanity,
Speaker 2: forget vanity on a frame as that's four eleven gaining
Speaker 2: that kind of I don't know how fast the way
Speaker 2: it came on too, but that's just not healthy.
Speaker 1: And if she has a thyroid issue, please give us
Speaker 1: that in the context so we understand.
Speaker 2: Oh, she didn't and give us.
Speaker 1: Context so that we understand, like, well, you can't control
Speaker 1: the weights waiting circumstances when you say I just gained
Speaker 1: thirty pounds.
Speaker 2: Right exactly, And it's just like I know, personally, I
Speaker 2: am motivated to stay in shape for myself first and foremost,
Speaker 2: and then for my husband, Like literally, I feel like
Speaker 2: he deserves to have the best version of me. Vanity aside,
Speaker 2: Deval and I were like, Yo, we're both turning forty.
Speaker 2: We're making the necessary changes so that we can live
Speaker 2: this life as long as we can control it as
Speaker 2: long as possible together, and it starts with health. That's
Speaker 2: why even preparing for the tour, us working out, changing
Speaker 2: our diets, doing it together, you know. And maybe he
Speaker 2: should be rallying around her if your goal is to
Speaker 2: now lose this weight, be like, babe, can you support
Speaker 2: me through this posive process so I can get back
Speaker 2: down to size. But I can understand how it's heart
Speaker 2: wrenching for her to feel like, damn, like my man
Speaker 2: has to put a pillow over his face and he
Speaker 2: can't stand the side of me while having sex like
Speaker 2: that has to be heartbreaking, and I feel for her
Speaker 2: with that.
Speaker 1: But This is also a bigger issue, right, Why doesn't
Speaker 1: he feel comfortable saying, hey, you know, seems like you
Speaker 1: put on a little bit of weight. Is everything okay?
Speaker 2: She did say that, though she said he asked right.
Speaker 1: No, she said, at first he stopped coming on to her,
Speaker 1: and that's when she started asking. And my thing is,
Speaker 1: as a man, you should say to your partner, if
Speaker 1: this someone you want to spend the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: well say hey, babe, I notice you put on some weight.
Speaker 1: Are you okay physically? Is everything okay? If everything's okay,
Speaker 1: it's like, yo, you know, how about we go to
Speaker 1: the gym together? How about we do this together? But
Speaker 1: you have to express it before it becomes a turnoff
Speaker 1: to where you can't look at your partner anymore, because
Speaker 1: now what you're doing is projecting whatever issues you have
Speaker 1: with her weight on her. She doesn't know why, but
Speaker 1: now she's becoming insecure, and if she becomes more insecure,
Speaker 1: she's not gonna want to work out anymore.
Speaker 2: Like I've watched that.
Speaker 1: Remember when I when I used to train athletes, I
Speaker 1: also train their parents. Seventy five percent of the athletes
Speaker 1: I trained were from single moms, and those moms were
Speaker 1: over was overweight sometimes and I said, how did you
Speaker 1: get overweight? And they would tell me stories, but I
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I didn't realize that. So I
Speaker 1: had this child that's trying to gain weight. And then
Speaker 1: my husband never said anything, but I noticed that he
Speaker 1: was less affectionate. And then once I realized he was
Speaker 1: less affectionate, I got down on myself. And then once
Speaker 1: I got depressed, the weight kept coming.
Speaker 2: So it was almost like it's a psychological attachment.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it was a cycle that as a man,
Speaker 1: if you realize that your wife is gaining weight in
Speaker 1: a way that you don't like it, or something that's
Speaker 1: not helping you say it before it becomes an issue,
Speaker 1: that becomes a bigger issue.
Speaker 2: Weight is just so sensitive for people, though, so I
Speaker 2: can understand why maybe he might have been apprehensive because
Speaker 2: weight is sensitive man or woman. I think it's hard
Speaker 2: for some people to figure out how to say it.
Speaker 2: I guess maybe in a nice way or in a
Speaker 2: caring way, on a way that's going to be received.
Speaker 2: And I just thinking from the sensitivity standpoint, let.
Speaker 1: Me ask a question. Name a topic that's too sensitive
Speaker 1: for you and me to discuss.
Speaker 2: I know what we're different.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, then we're not different.
Speaker 2: We're different or we've gotten to this point. But it
Speaker 2: wasn't always easy.
Speaker 1: It wasn't. But my point, it wasn't easy because weight
Speaker 1: used to be sensitive for you for.
Speaker 2: Sure, used to be absolutely, especially after kids.
Speaker 1: But my point is this, being sensitive about something doesn't
Speaker 1: give you the right to ignore it the same way
Speaker 1: we just talked about these kids, right, and maybe having
Speaker 1: a learning delay or a speech delay is sensitive. So
Speaker 1: does that mean we ignore it.
Speaker 2: No, we don't have to attack it hard conversation.
Speaker 1: And that's my point with couples. Couples that's all the time,
Speaker 1: how y'all keep the spark, But when we tell people
Speaker 1: sometimes how we keep the spark that.
Speaker 2: We received well?
Speaker 1: Right, part of keeping the spark is trying to keep
Speaker 1: yourself the way you attracted your partner. This is something
Speaker 1: people don't want to hear. Being attracted to someone is
Speaker 1: part of the process. That's part when you meet someone.
Speaker 1: You don't meet someone with telepathy and say this person
Speaker 1: is brilliant, I'm going to fall in love with them.
Speaker 1: You meet them first, something about them attracted you to absolutely,
Speaker 1: And I think that the best way to keep the
Speaker 1: spark is to try to keep yourself to where you
Speaker 1: felt like you was at your best. And me and
Speaker 1: my homies and I'm speaking to a lot of dudes
Speaker 1: to listen to this too. We have a three month
Speaker 1: body check.
Speaker 2: A body check.
Speaker 1: O yo yo, when the last time y'all been in
Speaker 1: the gym? Serious? And then yo yo, put your picture,
Speaker 1: put your X. I don't want to say the names
Speaker 1: because put your picture in the chat? What the fuck
Speaker 1: are you doing?
Speaker 2: No, you're right. I've heard your the phone with your
Speaker 2: brother recently and you got on the phone with his
Speaker 2: wife and was like, Sis, you got to make sure
Speaker 2: that he's not doing X y Z. He needs to
Speaker 2: be there for you and the kids. Like It's true.
Speaker 2: That's just how we speak. We're very, very transparent and
Speaker 2: blunt about it.
Speaker 1: Yes, I said, yo, bro, you you just got married.
Speaker 1: Your wife met you a certain way. You think that now,
Speaker 1: since you got a woman and she's gonna cook for
Speaker 1: you and stuff, that you can just eat your way
Speaker 1: into an early grave and not be there for them.
Speaker 1: Plus that woman met you a certain way and fell
Speaker 1: in love with you a certain way. This is gonna
Speaker 1: come a point where you're gonna be like, yo, babe,
Speaker 1: how come you ain't doing this no more? Nigga? You
Speaker 1: don't look the way she went like, that's come on.
Speaker 2: That's just what it is, y'all. Man or woman, it
Speaker 2: don't matter. It's not insensitive. It's just what it is.
Speaker 2: What it is is what it is, like, it's what
Speaker 2: it is.
Speaker 1: Yes, it is what it is. You can't avoid it.
Speaker 1: If you love your partner as much as you say,
Speaker 1: take care of yourself for yourself but also for them.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, that's just the fact. Absolutely, good luck to your
Speaker 2: since I know you can do it. I know you
Speaker 2: can do it, and you already said that, you know
Speaker 2: that you want to do this for yourself. Start there
Speaker 2: and he's going to feel the effects and the benefits
Speaker 2: of it. But if you and your spirit feel like,
Speaker 2: you know what, I don't want to be with somebody
Speaker 2: in the event that I lose this weight and then
Speaker 2: say gain it back later you have a child or something,
Speaker 2: and that's going to be an issue again, that's worth
Speaker 2: having the conversation with him about.
Speaker 1: While we on this topic, I hope we get to
Speaker 1: a second. But I haven't ask you a question as
Speaker 1: a woman, why do we see so many women right,
Speaker 1: who will bad get into a relationship right kind of
Speaker 1: lose themselves a little bit, right, lose their man and
Speaker 1: then like, oh, the best way to get him back
Speaker 1: is to become the best version of myself. Why didn't
Speaker 1: you stay the best version of yourself when you was
Speaker 1: with him?
Speaker 2: Valid question?
Speaker 1: And I'm asking I somebody who actually a couple of friends,
Speaker 1: and I was like, Hey, why do they do that
Speaker 1: to self sabotage?
Speaker 2: You got comfortable, you know, was in love, you know,
Speaker 2: gained a couples, then things gonna work out and then
Speaker 2: babies a batty again.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get I'm gonna get him back by It's like,
Speaker 1: don't get him back by doing that? Do that while
Speaker 1: he is can be like.
Speaker 2: Because that's a conditional thing. You have to do it
Speaker 2: for yourself. You have to want to do it for yourself.
Speaker 2: If you're doing it for some other outside resource, I
Speaker 2: mean outside person, it's not sustainable.
Speaker 1: What you just said is the answer.
Speaker 2: It's not sustainable.
Speaker 1: Anybody who's only working out to hit the scene. The
Speaker 1: minute you hit the scene and find somebody, you won't
Speaker 1: work out no more because you was never doing it
Speaker 1: for yourself to begin with. That's the why I started
Speaker 1: with doing it. You got to do it for yourself
Speaker 1: so you can sustain it for sure.
Speaker 2: That's the truth, absolutely, all right. Second one, we'll go
Speaker 2: to this one real quick. This one is a short one.
Speaker 2: I love y'all so much, love your bag. Okay. My
Speaker 2: first mistake was accessing my husband's already logged in Facebook account. Yall,
Speaker 2: I know, she says, I know, and cas well. I
Speaker 2: went to his search box to see who's been checking
Speaker 2: on and he had been searching his ex at least
Speaker 2: monthly for months. It made me feel the type of
Speaker 2: way initially, does he want to be with her or
Speaker 2: miss her? Then I self reflected and realized maybe we
Speaker 2: all think of our exes every now and again. I
Speaker 2: don't consistently search anyone, much less an ex am I
Speaker 2: under or overreacting. How would you approach it? Asking about
Speaker 2: it isn't going to change the fact that he's curious
Speaker 2: enough to search in the first place. He dated this
Speaker 2: girl in high school two thousand and four and they
Speaker 2: hadn't had any communication since before we got married. We've
Speaker 2: been married thirteen years. Thoughts, Thank y'all, hope this makes
Speaker 2: the podcast. Love you both. Why are you laughing. Got
Speaker 2: two thoughts, right, okay, thoughts all right.
Speaker 1: First thing, I never judged people right because you never
Speaker 1: really never know someone's situation.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: The first thing I thought was, damn man, when you're
Speaker 1: looking at you exes, like, is that the one that
Speaker 1: got away?
Speaker 2: Huh? Right, But it's the first thing.
Speaker 1: But I will say this, I don't think that anymore
Speaker 1: because she says that she he hasn't looked her up
Speaker 1: since for like thirteen years, right, So he wasn't thinking
Speaker 1: about her for thirteen years, right. So it could have
Speaker 1: been somebody crossed his past, like oh have you talked
Speaker 1: to so and so recently? And now he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I haven't, or someone sent him the profile check out
Speaker 1: so and so and then he looks and then updates.
Speaker 1: Because I know this for a fact. Social media becomes addictive.
Speaker 2: Right, you see, it's a rabbit hole.
Speaker 1: It's a rabbit You post something and then you post
Speaker 1: to see what they post.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they're in love something.
Speaker 2: Like oh shit, I haven't like heard about this person
Speaker 2: a long time. I've searched an x before on to
Speaker 2: talk about that. But it was a similar But it
Speaker 2: was a similar situation where his godsister had reached out
Speaker 2: to me because she was getting tickets for her friends
Speaker 2: for our live show. Actually, and then she was just like,
Speaker 2: oh my goodness, like how have you been? Like we
Speaker 2: love like the family has watched how you have like
Speaker 2: blossomed you and your husband. We love you guys, you know.
Speaker 2: And then she mentioned like, you know, I asked how
Speaker 2: he was doing when how the family just out of
Speaker 2: courtesy because we're having the back and forth, and then
Speaker 2: she's just like, oh, he's great, like has two kids,
Speaker 2: blah blah blah. And I went and looked to see,
Speaker 2: oh yeah, and then it was nothing. There was no interaction.
Speaker 2: I didn't feel no kind of way. It was like, okay,
Speaker 2: great to see this somebody who I used to date
Speaker 2: back in the days doing well, and it was nothing attached.
Speaker 1: It's funny you say this because you also told me
Speaker 1: that you recent I felt in no way about it
Speaker 1: when you told me about it. So this this is
Speaker 1: also says a lot about their relationship. Ask yourself, why
Speaker 1: does it bother you so much? Of course, ask him why.
Speaker 1: You then ask yourself why it bothers him so much?
Speaker 1: Because when you told me, you look up the person
Speaker 1: the first thing wasn't my mind was like are you
Speaker 1: in love with that person?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: It was just like, oh that's interesting. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like my mind just never went.
Speaker 2: There, never went there. And I'm wondering what was your
Speaker 2: reason for going to the search box and did you
Speaker 2: eventually go to the message box the inbox? Like you know,
Speaker 2: it could be like you said, a rabbit hole, but
Speaker 2: it doesn't seem like there was anything more than just
Speaker 2: the search bars. And you know, being married thirteen years,
Speaker 2: it really could have just been something as innocent as like,
Speaker 2: you know, we see how she looked now, because you
Speaker 2: know she looked good then, but then here we are
Speaker 2: thirteen late, thirty years later, she might not like I
Speaker 2: don't know, We'll.
Speaker 1: Say this too. And I know this is I have
Speaker 1: a couple of boys who live this type of lifestyle.
Speaker 1: Is somebody cheating on you or looking to hide something
Speaker 1: from you, they're not gonna have their Facebook open for
Speaker 1: you to see.
Speaker 2: Anything that the fact.
Speaker 1: Unless he's like a Jedi, like a Jedi mind trick cheater,
Speaker 1: and he's just like, I'm gonna just delete everything and
Speaker 1: leave it open so she you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But most of the time, niggas ain't that smart. Most
Speaker 1: of the time niggas is logging out of everything, keeping
Speaker 1: their laptop closed. They sleep with their phone underneath their pillowup.
Speaker 1: True most times, and I'm not I can't speak for them.
Speaker 1: I don't know. But most times, the men that I
Speaker 1: know who keep their stuff open and their wives find something.
Speaker 2: It's like there was nothing to hide hide.
Speaker 1: And sometimes women, if you look for something, you're gonna
Speaker 1: find it, you know what I'm saying. Like, you look
Speaker 1: for it, you're gonna find it.
Speaker 2: And are you gonna find something to find something? Like?
Speaker 2: Why you search it?
Speaker 1: Right? I just there's no messages, there's no pictures.
Speaker 2: I searched, that's it.
Speaker 1: And it could have been the same thing. What if
Speaker 1: I was looking for you? Why did you search up
Speaker 1: so and so? Because I spoke to the god sister
Speaker 1: who bought tickets to our podcast towards she mentioned that
Speaker 1: he was on Facebook. I wanted to see how he
Speaker 1: was doing. It could have became a thing if I
Speaker 1: wanted it to become a thing. But you know, when
Speaker 1: you're confident in your space, it's like certain things like that, right.
Speaker 2: And then also too, I mentioned it to you because
Speaker 2: it really was nothing. It was just like yo, like
Speaker 2: they have kids, not blah blah blah, he's married, great, good
Speaker 2: for him. Like it was totally just like in passing conversations.
Speaker 1: Also, people don't take everybody doesn't take social media serious.
Speaker 1: Like I've had people ask me through DMS. You know,
Speaker 1: I got a question about social media, like what boundaries
Speaker 1: do you and Kate put on social media? For likes?
Speaker 1: And it's I said, miss, we don't put boundaries on
Speaker 1: social media. Social media is not a real place. I
Speaker 1: don't feel like I have to put boundaries on my
Speaker 1: wife with social media because they exist in a world
Speaker 1: that is not digital. You know what I'm saying. Some
Speaker 1: people really don't give a shit about social so it's
Speaker 1: like me searching up somebody on the social to see
Speaker 1: what their life is like that it's not that important, right,
Speaker 1: But then there are some people who's like, now that's
Speaker 1: a violation. That's cheating. If you type your excess name
Speaker 1: in the search bar and you hit search, your cheating.
Speaker 1: Like there's this people why they have to speak to
Speaker 1: each other and create their own boundaries. But for me
Speaker 1: and k no, I could care less. Like k looks
Speaker 1: up stuff on social media. Her and her friends group.
Speaker 1: They got dick pics that they be sending each other
Speaker 1: and ship like me and we look at ads and
Speaker 1: TV off like you know, you got single guys in
Speaker 1: the group they like yo check shorty out like it
Speaker 1: is what it is? I got eyes, got eyes right,
Speaker 1: but we don't. We don't exist in the digital world though,
Speaker 1: so it either I could care less to be honest.
Speaker 2: All right, If you want to be featured as one
Speaker 2: of our listener letters, email us at dead ass Advice
Speaker 2: at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, time the moment of truth the topic today.
Speaker 2: We're talking about Dakota's Miuth speech delay and what we've
Speaker 2: been doing to make sure that he is set up
Speaker 2: for success as we move forward, so he can be
Speaker 2: the brilliant two year old that we know he's growing
Speaker 2: in to be.
Speaker 1: My moment of truth is very very simple. Don't put
Speaker 1: your child in a deficit because you're too ashamed to
Speaker 1: ask for help. It's that simple. If this life is
Speaker 1: about them, you can't be concerned about what other people
Speaker 1: may say about you or your parenting style. If you're
Speaker 1: requesting help, don't put your child in a deficit because
Speaker 1: of that.
Speaker 2: That's a good one. Maybe. I think my moment of
Speaker 2: truth is that us as parents do also need to
Speaker 2: give ourself grace because there's so many things that we're
Speaker 2: juggling on a day to day basis, and as long
Speaker 2: as you catch it early, you reassess where the priorities
Speaker 2: should be lying, and then you make the necessary steps
Speaker 2: to make those changes immediately, then you will allow your
Speaker 2: child to prosper. And that's exactly what Daval and I
Speaker 2: did feel in the moment with Coden. Once we figured
Speaker 2: out something maybe a little off, it's like, what are
Speaker 2: all of the things that we can do to make
Speaker 2: sure that he's going to be okay? And that's putting
Speaker 2: our feelings aside, putting our pride aside, and just making
Speaker 2: sure that at the root of everything the child is first.
Speaker 1: Yes, and lastly, it is not your parents' responsibility to
Speaker 1: raise your kids.
Speaker 2: Or the babysitter or the nanny or whoever.
Speaker 1: As a parent, you have a responsibility to be a parent.
Speaker 1: Putting it off on someone else is unfair.
Speaker 2: And even in school like baby, are in this with
Speaker 2: our children and their educators. It is a group team effort,
Speaker 2: and we work in conjunction with all of our children's educators,
Speaker 2: so that's another important thing to note, all right. Be
Speaker 2: sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive dead
Speaker 2: Ass podcast video content as well as more family content
Speaker 2: from the ellisis. And you can find us on social
Speaker 2: media at dead Ass the Podcast, and you can find
Speaker 2: me at Kadeen I Am and.
Speaker 1: I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and pick up your
Speaker 1: copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting
Speaker 1: Everything you want out of your relationship.
Speaker 2: Oh and follow me on TikTok, y'all, because I'm very
Speaker 2: unhinged over there. I've been starting to dabble more into
Speaker 2: the TikTok market. Yeah, so it's gonna be fun over there.
Speaker 2: It's gonna be fun over the Me Me Me, Me,
Speaker 2: Catch Me outside dead Ass Cut.
Speaker 3: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 3: it's produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 3: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
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