Speaker 1: Help I Suck At Dating and I Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 1: Hello everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to
Speaker 1: this episode of Help I Suck At Dating. This is
Speaker 1: Dean Ungler. It's got a very special episode for you today.
Speaker 1: As the usual suspect, we see Jared Higbond in studio. Hello,
Speaker 1: I'm here, Hello everyone, and a very very special guest
Speaker 1: in Amanda Stanton and joining us. And on top of that,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna come right out and say, it's my
Speaker 1: birthday to day today. It's a big one. Today is
Speaker 1: my birthday. But on top of that, this is also
Speaker 1: the seven episode of this podcast, like Golden Birthday? Can
Speaker 1: you believe that it's meant to beating? What are the
Speaker 1: odds we created this podcast back in September? Did you
Speaker 1: guys plan to purposefully land this episode on? Everybody was
Speaker 1: thinking that far ahead. There were some suspect weeks off
Speaker 1: where I'm like, are they trying to do this? But anyways,
Speaker 1: here we are. I've always had this weird affinity for
Speaker 1: the number twenty seven. Weirdly, I don't know why it's
Speaker 1: never been my lucky number anything like that. I think
Speaker 1: I really like that that that nine times three equals
Speaker 1: twenty seven. I used to be like a big math nerd,
Speaker 1: And why nine times three? Why not like three times three?
Speaker 1: Why nine times three times three is nine? But I'm
Speaker 1: just saying I've had this weird pull to the numbers
Speaker 1: nine and three multiplying to equal twenty seven. So when
Speaker 1: I was little, I used to be a big, big
Speaker 1: math nerd. I'd always go to school and then whenever
Speaker 1: I got home, my mom would always tutor me in
Speaker 1: one subject, which was always math. And so I was like,
Speaker 1: really really good at math for like the large part
Speaker 1: of my life, and I wouln't know I was had
Speaker 1: a weird thing for the numbers nine and three equal seven.
Speaker 1: So you pretty much saying that twenty seven is gonna
Speaker 1: be the best year of your life. I'm very hopeful
Speaker 1: that it will be. I think it's gonna be the
Speaker 1: best year of your life. Teen. Thanks Jared. We'll let
Speaker 1: into existence anyways. We're gonna start off today, um by
Speaker 1: answering some listener emails. We're going to uh if you
Speaker 1: don't mind. By the way, I was like, the seventeen
Speaker 1: times three, that's a good one. Have you before have
Speaker 1: you heard the multiplication song eight times or the hardest
Speaker 1: multiplication problem of them all. Eight times seven is or
Speaker 1: something that was like a third Greade song that we
Speaker 1: used to sing off because it's a hard multiplication problem.
Speaker 1: People don't anyways. Um but yeah, anyways, we're joining the
Speaker 1: studio by Amanda um and as always Jared. So we're
Speaker 1: gonna get to some listenering emails. We're gonna talk a
Speaker 1: little bit with Sharie a little bit later on who've
Speaker 1: had on before life coach Life coach Therapist. So good
Speaker 1: episode in store for us. Well, this is for since
Speaker 1: Amanda's here and we do have an email about a
Speaker 1: situation a man has been dealing with lately, so it's
Speaker 1: good to get some outside perspective. Yeah, okay, Peyton says,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to write in and weigh in on
Speaker 1: the Robbie and Amanda feud. She calls it a feud.
Speaker 1: She says, I feel like any self respectable adult male
Speaker 1: would have forwarded the email along with a message we
Speaker 1: should probably give the backstory on this before I get
Speaker 1: much further on. So so well, I mean, I'm Amanda.
Speaker 1: I feel like, do you want to give it? Do
Speaker 1: you want an outside perspective to give it? I want
Speaker 1: to hear an outside perspective. Last week, I went on
Speaker 1: Twitter and I saw that there was an article written
Speaker 1: about the feud between Amanda and Robbing. Apparently Amanda. Last
Speaker 1: week he posted something on Twitter saying, and ex boyfriend
Speaker 1: had reached out to you about these passes for Disneyland
Speaker 1: that he wanted you to renew, and you said that,
Speaker 1: like I know how to pick them. And then Robbie
Speaker 1: screenshot of the emails, outed himself as the ex boyfriend
Speaker 1: and said I was just trying to help you, you
Speaker 1: poor thing. And then he said, let the people decide
Speaker 1: for themselves. Screenshot of the emails released him on Twitter,
Speaker 1: and they showed the emails that he forwarded. Apparently Disneyland
Speaker 1: and Land reached out to him saying that these are
Speaker 1: gonna u these passes are gonna expire because the credit
Speaker 1: card has been denied for the past couple of months,
Speaker 1: and so he forwarded it to you. Um, but and
Speaker 1: then it like got and and then it got like
Speaker 1: a little blurry for me, where like there was maybe
Speaker 1: a little bit of a back and forth and then no,
Speaker 1: he just and then he decided to post some text
Speaker 1: messages from like eight months ago, which I thought was
Speaker 1: the most. Yeah, well we don't have to talk. We
Speaker 1: can say our opinion afterwards. But from me, I saw
Speaker 1: the video. All of a sudden, Robbie posted this montage
Speaker 1: which he edited together with like this Kevin Hart skid
Speaker 1: I didn't even want. So it was like a thirty
Speaker 1: second video of him scroll like fast scrolling, so you
Speaker 1: couldn't read any text messages. But you conclude see that
Speaker 1: your picture was at the top saying Amanda and him
Speaker 1: just like scrolling through and it was like paragraph on
Speaker 1: paragraph on paragraph that you apparently sent to him, and
Speaker 1: he edited it with like this Kevin Hart bit of
Speaker 1: like are you done? Are we done? Here? Are we done?
Speaker 1: And him just like scrolling through, And it was like
Speaker 1: twenty seconds long, and it was the most and he's
Speaker 1: deleted it since, but it was the most absurd thing
Speaker 1: I think I might have ever seen on Twitter. Um,
Speaker 1: but I will give my opinions later if you want
Speaker 1: to continue this email. But that was pretty much the
Speaker 1: gist of it that I saw that Amanda posted that
Speaker 1: didn't say who it was was the next boyfriend, And
Speaker 1: then Robbie decided to out himself with screenshot in the
Speaker 1: emails and then on top of that, he posted the
Speaker 1: video of the text message, to which he had deleted since.
Speaker 1: And then on top of that, I think the PostScript
Speaker 1: is really what kind of irked me a little bit,
Speaker 1: which I don't even know if I want to say,
Speaker 1: he says whatever he says, and he goes, ps nice news.
Speaker 1: Oh yes. In the emails he says, which is just
Speaker 1: so okay. I wasn't why would he say that, like
Speaker 1: I don't even know, I'm sorry to put you on
Speaker 1: the stop. We don't have to talk about it. But
Speaker 1: I thought, yeah, that was the most um ignorant thing
Speaker 1: he could have possibly said an email, especially forwarding you
Speaker 1: an email that he said he was so concerned about
Speaker 1: this going to collections. So if he was that concerned,
Speaker 1: why would he put a smug remark like that in
Speaker 1: the email. Was it just to like fuel fire under
Speaker 1: you you think, or was it just like I mean,
Speaker 1: that's what I I guess. That's what I was so
Speaker 1: confused about, was that, like it's been eight months and
Speaker 1: like I I've obviously moved on with my life and
Speaker 1: like I've even said, like I don't didn't even really
Speaker 1: consider Robbie an X. That's why it's funny when I
Speaker 1: said that in my tweet, because I actually don't consider
Speaker 1: him an X, but I still I thought it was
Speaker 1: kind of funny, you know, and when you when I
Speaker 1: first saw your tweet, Robbie was the furthest thing from
Speaker 1: my mind, which is so interesting that he decided out himself,
Speaker 1: because when you said an X, I immediately went to
Speaker 1: an X not involved in the show, because obviously you are.
Speaker 1: You know, you're not gonna say Ben's an X, Josh,
Speaker 1: I feel like you wouldn't consider an X, would be
Speaker 1: more of like, I think that's a different situation. And
Speaker 1: then Robbie, I didn't even I wouldn't even assume you
Speaker 1: would call him an next so like and I don't.
Speaker 1: That's why I mean, I put it just because I
Speaker 1: did think the situation was funny. Help tell a story
Speaker 1: a little bit better that way. Okay, So I haven't
Speaker 1: talked to Robbie in forever, um, but that's the first
Speaker 1: time I heard from I've checked my email and I
Speaker 1: saw that he forwarded me his Disneyland membership because it
Speaker 1: was on your credit card or something and your credit
Speaker 1: card expired or whatever. Yeah, like I got a new one,
Speaker 1: and so his payment was being declined. And the funny
Speaker 1: thing is, you know, he can say he thought it
Speaker 1: was going to go to collections, but there was like
Speaker 1: an option there for you to like update your card information.
Speaker 1: So I just thought it was kind of funny that
Speaker 1: he was forwarding it to me other than like just
Speaker 1: going and putting his own card information on there and
Speaker 1: just like kind of petty. And here's my question with
Speaker 1: that though, is if if he were to just pay
Speaker 1: for it himself, do you think that he should alert
Speaker 1: you that he paid for it himself or he just
Speaker 1: paid for it himself and then completely not say anything
Speaker 1: about it, every kind of thing. Yeah, just don't say anything.
Speaker 1: You just put your card information. Was it a lot
Speaker 1: of money? But it was literally like twenty Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: I think in Robbie's mind, he was forwarding you the
Speaker 1: message because he didn't want to renew it and he
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure that you knew that you knew
Speaker 1: that like this situation is going on. Having said that,
Speaker 1: I think the emailer touches on how he maybe should
Speaker 1: have approached it. Was a very high level of petty
Speaker 1: to that. It was pretty Yeah, the emailist has I
Speaker 1: feel like any self respectable adult man would afford the
Speaker 1: email along with the message like, hey, let me know
Speaker 1: what the remaining balance is so I can pay you
Speaker 1: the difference. It seems like a man who didn't even
Speaker 1: realize the charge was coming out of her account every month,
Speaker 1: which would make sense that you didn't think about switching
Speaker 1: the card over when she got a new one. So
Speaker 1: when Robbie realized she was still paying it even though,
Speaker 1: like you guys mentioned, they haven't been together for seven months,
Speaker 1: don't you think he should have just shut it down
Speaker 1: right then and there. It's not like he can't afford
Speaker 1: it himself. And then of course he dig himself in
Speaker 1: the deepest hole with all the insults. But I don't
Speaker 1: think he was ever being the nice guy in the
Speaker 1: situation from the start. Just to get that off my
Speaker 1: chest and offer a different perspective, keep doing what you
Speaker 1: guys are doing. That is Peyton's thoughts on the map. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. I mean I think my mistake is, you know,
Speaker 1: saying anything on Twitter. I did think it was funny,
Speaker 1: and that's why I said something. I had no idea
Speaker 1: and I was completely shocked that he enacted the way
Speaker 1: that he did. That was a mistake to be perfectly honest.
Speaker 1: It was. It was just a funny tweet. It wasn't
Speaker 1: even like throwing shade at him, because it's like, nowhere
Speaker 1: did I hint that it was about him? Was I
Speaker 1: gonna ever tell anyone that it was about him? Um? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think if Robbie was so offended by if, I
Speaker 1: think the appropriate thing would have they texted you exactly
Speaker 1: then like listen, why would you put that on Twitter?
Speaker 1: And then you probably would have deleted. I mean I
Speaker 1: don't know that in the workings of what happened, but yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. I never maybe paid for it and then
Speaker 1: like asked you a far venmo or something like that.
Speaker 1: I don't know, Yeah, but I will say that I
Speaker 1: didn't hear about it until we were I'm in like
Speaker 1: a group chat with the guys from my season and
Speaker 1: they like sent the screenshot. I deleted my Twitter, so
Speaker 1: I've never on Twitter anymore. Um, you deleted your Twitter,
Speaker 1: just like the app. Like I still have my account,
Speaker 1: but I just don't use it ever. You just post
Speaker 1: like a few days ago, no Twitter, like a week
Speaker 1: and a half, maybe was a week and a half,
Speaker 1: but then like he knew read an article about it
Speaker 1: and it's just like became this thing. But anyways, it's
Speaker 1: I think it's pretty clear to see who's at fault
Speaker 1: and who's like the one that's I agree. I was
Speaker 1: kind of like living through it for so I was
Speaker 1: I wasn't doing anything that day, and I was on Twitter,
Speaker 1: and then I saw I didn't even see your tweet
Speaker 1: at first, because I must have just like scrolled right
Speaker 1: through it. And then I saw Robbie post something because
Speaker 1: I still fall him on Twitter, and then I was like,
Speaker 1: what the hell is going on? And then of course
Speaker 1: it just like became the saga for like a minus
Speaker 1: Scoole Minis School, Soaca, but you tweeted on from Coachella
Speaker 1: on Friday night? What did I tweet? I could have
Speaker 1: scored sitting positions Instagram, but which I normally don't do.
Speaker 1: I was like, I could have swore I just saw
Speaker 1: a tweet shop alcohol might have been involved that post. Anyway, Um,
Speaker 1: is there anything else that we want to cover about that? Again?
Speaker 1: I think that it's all pretty clear who was in
Speaker 1: the right and who's in the wrong. There. Um, it
Speaker 1: just sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama that no
Speaker 1: one really brought upon himself. He brought up on himsel
Speaker 1: I guess what exactly. I think Robbie brought it upon himself.
Speaker 1: And I think furthermore, we're becoming to maybe a little
Speaker 1: bit too transparent in this culture that like we feel
Speaker 1: the need to screenshot and post everything on social media
Speaker 1: for people to make up their own minds. Like I
Speaker 1: feel like some matters are meant to be handled privately,
Speaker 1: and I think this is definitely one of those. And sure,
Speaker 1: should you have tweeted something, I don't know, but the
Speaker 1: fact is you didn't really out anybody, and so I
Speaker 1: think that the way to handle it might have been
Speaker 1: more private rather than screenshotting emails. And then furthermore, the
Speaker 1: insults with like to say, you know what he said
Speaker 1: about you like nice new um is absolutely absurd and
Speaker 1: ridiculous to even mentioned that. And then furthermore, I thought
Speaker 1: the the text messages the video was JUSTEO, you gotta
Speaker 1: be you gotta be kidding me, Like the idea that
Speaker 1: he edited it and some time, spent some time on
Speaker 1: it and then releasing it onto whatever what I thought
Speaker 1: was just in really poor taste, and he has since
Speaker 1: deleted it. You know, we should throw that in there,
Speaker 1: having said that he still posted it, so, um, you know,
Speaker 1: I think it was just it could have been really
Speaker 1: avoided and then it ended up turning into this thing.
Speaker 1: And No, I was actually pretty embarrassed by it, because
Speaker 1: I mean when I tweeted that, I never obviously expected
Speaker 1: all that to happen, or did I want attention from it.
Speaker 1: So I guess I was confused why he reacted that
Speaker 1: way because no one would have ever known knows about
Speaker 1: him like we said, so I don't know if he
Speaker 1: just wants attention. And that's why part of me doesn't
Speaker 1: even really want to talk about it, because I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm giving him what he wants. I feel like
Speaker 1: he doesn't even care that it made him look bad.
Speaker 1: I feel like he just wants attention, whether it's good
Speaker 1: or bad. So were you surprised by how much the
Speaker 1: media latched onto this, Yeah, I was kind of bummed
Speaker 1: about it because I'm like, this is what he wants.
Speaker 1: I feel like he just wants his name in the media,
Speaker 1: So I don't think he really cares. Agree, I will
Speaker 1: say as someone that's I guess I've known you for
Speaker 1: what probably ten months now. We met in Paradise, and
Speaker 1: obviously we don't hang out a whole bunch. But um,
Speaker 1: I think that anyone that's ever really met you would
Speaker 1: have nothing but the most positive things to say, and
Speaker 1: you're not going to be seeking the drama and be
Speaker 1: like that kind of person. So, um, the big question,
Speaker 1: will you get a new annual path for Disneyland? Will
Speaker 1: you go without paid? I updated that card in Switching Gears.
Speaker 1: We've got some great, really sweet emails for Dean after
Speaker 1: last week. He opened up about a lot of stuff, um,
Speaker 1: one of which was going in therapy. Um. But Sarah wrote,
Speaker 1: and she said, my name is Sarah. I'm twenty three.
Speaker 1: My mom died when I was twenty. My family all
Speaker 1: watched with the Bachelord together, and watching Dean's journey on
Speaker 1: Rachel's season really opened up conversation within my family and
Speaker 1: helped us on the road to healing. And I cannot
Speaker 1: thank him enough for that. Isn't that sweet? Dean? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really sweet. I've been listening to the podcast since
Speaker 1: the beginning and something Dean said this week got me curious. Dean,
Speaker 1: you said that when you're you're looking for a relationship
Speaker 1: where someone's strengths are your weaknesses and vice versa. Could
Speaker 1: you expand on that a little more? I haven't really
Speaker 1: dated anyone since my mom died, but I often think
Speaker 1: there's no way that people can understand me or fully
Speaker 1: know me if they haven't lost a parent. Even listening
Speaker 1: to your podcast, whenever someone tells you Odean, you need
Speaker 1: to communicate more, or whatever else you have to be
Speaker 1: a better data, I yell back at them. You don't
Speaker 1: have a dead mom. You don't get to tell him anything.
Speaker 1: All those simple things are more difficult than they know.
Speaker 1: So what your thoughts on this? Seeing as how you've
Speaker 1: dated since your mom died, would you mind talking about
Speaker 1: how that has affected your relationships, how you've tried to
Speaker 1: talk to them about your mom. I understand this is
Speaker 1: too personal to address, but any kind of reply would
Speaker 1: be a lot to me. That's Sarah, I think that's
Speaker 1: I love that your journey has helped her and her
Speaker 1: family communicate on this thing. It's probably not something you
Speaker 1: thought about when you went on these TV shows to
Speaker 1: begin with. No, I didn't. I was pretty reluctant even
Speaker 1: to share the story the first time around, because it's
Speaker 1: just a lot. It's a lot to share a bunch
Speaker 1: of personal information especially on TV. And I remember, actually too,
Speaker 1: I think I've talked about this in the past. That
Speaker 1: first day that I talked to uh Rachel about my
Speaker 1: mother passing away on our one on one I was
Speaker 1: like kind of remorseful after after kind of everything, because
Speaker 1: I was like breaking down and crying and stuff, and
Speaker 1: one of the producers leaned in and said something like,
Speaker 1: as long as you affect one person person positively, you
Speaker 1: should take this away as a good experience. And UM,
Speaker 1: in hindsight, like it obviously had a little bit bigger
Speaker 1: of a reach than that, which is great. UM. I
Speaker 1: don't think that she said something along the lines of
Speaker 1: you don't have a dead mom, so you don't understand
Speaker 1: where I'm coming from saying people who give you advice
Speaker 1: about dating, she's saying they don't understand what has been through,
Speaker 1: what I've been through, Sarah, so they don't understand they
Speaker 1: shouldn't give you advice I've I've been told, UM, when
Speaker 1: I speak with, whether it's a therapist of psychologist, anyone
Speaker 1: that's kind of like more in tune with those types
Speaker 1: of things that when I talk about or even like
Speaker 1: the show psychologist, because you go through psychology tests all
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. Um that when I talk about
Speaker 1: like the passing my mother, like those those uh tragic
Speaker 1: events in my life, that I kind of brush over them.
Speaker 1: So maybe when I meet someone new, I kind of
Speaker 1: talk about it more like I'm reciting like a monologue
Speaker 1: of my life instead of actually being emotional and being
Speaker 1: in touch with that. And then so when I meet
Speaker 1: that special person, I'm able to maybe dive a little
Speaker 1: bit deeper, which is a little bit more challenging sometimes. Um,
Speaker 1: But I would never I would never discount a relationship
Speaker 1: because that person has two parents in their lives that
Speaker 1: have had successful success in their relationship. You know, that's
Speaker 1: not really a fair thing. And I mean to the
Speaker 1: point that I made last week. I think when I
Speaker 1: said my my weaknesses should would be hopefully their strengths
Speaker 1: and vice versa, Like it'd be great that you know,
Speaker 1: my parents didn't have a great marriage my mom passed away,
Speaker 1: But then if their parents had a great marriage and
Speaker 1: are still together, then of and all that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: it almost kind of strengthens it because, um, it's kind
Speaker 1: of like a like a yin and yang to the relationship.
Speaker 1: I will say, I was having this conversation the other
Speaker 1: day actually as well. Um, because as I'm like doing
Speaker 1: this whole you know pours postmode and breakup thing, I'm
Speaker 1: trying to get to the reasons as to, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of what's kind of gone wrong with my life. Um,
Speaker 1: And I was thinking about the we had karmelon once
Speaker 1: maybe like episode two or three. Who was the girl
Speaker 1: that I did in high school? Um, and back then,
Speaker 1: so I was dating her probably when I was sixteen,
Speaker 1: but we were like talking and like best friends when
Speaker 1: I was you know, thirteen, fourteen fifteen when my mom
Speaker 1: passed away, and I think that the fact that she
Speaker 1: was able to help me through that time really strengthen
Speaker 1: our relationship and that's kind of why it was as
Speaker 1: strong as it was and the feelings were as strong
Speaker 1: as they were. But then there were also some bad
Speaker 1: parts of that relationship that I see kind of being
Speaker 1: reflected in my you know, relationships that I have nowadays
Speaker 1: as well. And um, that's something that I need to
Speaker 1: really figure out and get to the bottom of. But uh,
Speaker 1: it's I don't know, it's just a work in progress,
Speaker 1: I guess every single time, and you can't really it's
Speaker 1: hard to like plan as to what you're gonna do,
Speaker 1: but trying to figure it out. Tina's like a relationship
Speaker 1: like what I was talking about about her relationship with
Speaker 1: her mom and losing her mom and that kind of
Speaker 1: affecting her dating life. Have you ever felt that your
Speaker 1: loss has ever affected your dating life? I don't think so.
Speaker 1: I think there are a bunch of other things, maybe
Speaker 1: that stemmed from that, that have affected my dating life,
Speaker 1: but not necessarily that in particular, Like I would never
Speaker 1: meet someone and be like, oh, my mom passed away
Speaker 1: when I was fifteen, and then they'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: uh sorry, I gotta go now sort of thing, you know, Yeah,
Speaker 1: of course, because I mean, but I think she touches
Speaker 1: on another emailer also touches on a kind of a
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment that could be kind of instilled in
Speaker 1: you from a trauma drama like that. Right, there's a
Speaker 1: bunch of like psychoanalysis that can be done on that,
Speaker 1: And I know how much you loved doing that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that at the end of the day that
Speaker 1: those are a lot of things that uh, I have
Speaker 1: really yet to come to terms with or or confront
Speaker 1: and approach and all that kind of stuff. And um,
Speaker 1: A Man, I'd love to hear your perspective on this,
Speaker 1: because you are a single mom, um and a wonderful
Speaker 1: one at that, and your kids are adorable. Um, and
Speaker 1: so i'd love to hear kind of your perspective on
Speaker 1: the idea of, um, you know, raising your kids as
Speaker 1: as a single mom. I'm relating to this email. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I think that it's obviously something I think
Speaker 1: about too, Like, I mean, regardless of what the situation
Speaker 1: is with your parents, if you've lost a parent, if
Speaker 1: you're a single parent, I think it's something I think
Speaker 1: about even with my kids, like how I'm raising them,
Speaker 1: is it going to affect them when they get older? Um?
Speaker 1: So yeah, I mean I don't know. It's a tough answer.
Speaker 1: I don't think there's a right or wrong answer from
Speaker 1: an outside perspective, um, because I don't want to speak
Speaker 1: as if like I have an answer within this situation
Speaker 1: because I've never been through this situation. UM. But I
Speaker 1: would say that it's I think there's a very there's
Speaker 1: a lot of gray area, and I don't think there's
Speaker 1: a right or wrong answer for you Sour, for you
Speaker 1: Den or for you Amanda with raising your kids. Um,
Speaker 1: I think it's kind of on an individual basis, and
Speaker 1: all you can do is do the best you can do.
Speaker 1: Um with coping, uh, with moving on to a certain sense,
Speaker 1: with you know, taking the time that you need um
Speaker 1: two for lack of a better term, put your walls
Speaker 1: down in being willing to open yourself up to somebody
Speaker 1: else again. And my thing is too, it's uh. I
Speaker 1: think that one of the most important things is just
Speaker 1: the amount of love. So like I mean, you look
Speaker 1: at a Manda raiser children and she's obviously showers them
Speaker 1: with love constantly, and I think that's one of the
Speaker 1: most important things. Like I have friends who have parents
Speaker 1: who were divorced when they were a little, um, divorce
Speaker 1: when they were older, all that kind of stuff, that
Speaker 1: are still having these successful relationships nowadays because you know,
Speaker 1: they felt the love from one or both of their
Speaker 1: parents when they were little. Um. That's that's my two
Speaker 1: cents on it. And I mean from what we see
Speaker 1: via whatever outlet it is, we see a Manda being
Speaker 1: a great mother. So of course, and I was think
Speaker 1: for Sarah too, like Dean, I think it's a really
Speaker 1: inspirational email, uh, even just for me reading it, because
Speaker 1: to think that Dean. Just by you going on this
Speaker 1: show and kind of living your life and showcasing your
Speaker 1: personality in the in the workings of your family, UM
Speaker 1: has really helped Sarah. I think that's an incredible thing
Speaker 1: that shouldn't be overlooked. And I think, you know, I
Speaker 1: think there's probably a lot of stories out here like
Speaker 1: this with you, amand I'm sure there's a lot of
Speaker 1: single moms out there that I have watched you and
Speaker 1: have related to you, and have you have helped them
Speaker 1: in certain areas of their life. UM. And so I
Speaker 1: think that's pretty incredible, Sarah. So I want to thank
Speaker 1: you for writing an email, one more email before we
Speaker 1: get to some other topics today. Tracy and I just
Speaker 1: thought this was such a kind and sweet email. My
Speaker 1: motherly instinct, she said, came out for Dean is I
Speaker 1: listed the latest podcast and I wanted to offer some advice.
Speaker 1: It's okay to break up with somebody, even if that
Speaker 1: person is a wonderful person. That doesn't make you a
Speaker 1: bad person. It's all about being right for each other.
Speaker 1: This goes back to last week when we all thought
Speaker 1: Dean was I thought this the Dean is a little
Speaker 1: hard in themselves. Over the breakup he went on went
Speaker 1: through recently. It's okay to expect the relationship doesn't have
Speaker 1: to take a lot of work. I hear you struggling
Speaker 1: with this by saying you need to accept that relationships
Speaker 1: take more work than you thought. Don't settle on this one.
Speaker 1: When you click with someone and there is laughter, chemistry
Speaker 1: and you shared the same values in mindset, it shouldn't
Speaker 1: be that hard. I agree with that as well. I've
Speaker 1: been married for fifteen and sixteen years now. I don't
Speaker 1: I don't find it to be that hard. I hear
Speaker 1: a lot of people talk about marriages so difficult, and
Speaker 1: I'm sure it is, and I'm sure it can be.
Speaker 1: I do feel like it works for us. It just
Speaker 1: kind of works. And maybe I'm you still have your
Speaker 1: moments of difficulty, right of course, there's bickering and there's whatever,
Speaker 1: and people are tired, and that happens. But I don't
Speaker 1: feel like it's a great deal of work. And maybe
Speaker 1: I'm just one of the lucky ones. Quite honestly, Tracy says,
Speaker 1: my husband reminds me a lot of you. He didn't
Speaker 1: know what he wanted. Dating was filled with a lot
Speaker 1: of dead ends and breaking many hearts due to his
Speaker 1: indecisiveness and fear of commitment. When we got together, he
Speaker 1: saught therapy to work through his issues of abandonment. Therapy
Speaker 1: was the turning point that made him and eventually our
Speaker 1: relationship even stronger. We've been married now for twenty years.
Speaker 1: Every couple's journey is unique and there isn't a one
Speaker 1: size fits all. Just focus on finding someone you missed
Speaker 1: the second thing go out the door, someone you have
Speaker 1: to tell all the funny and stupid things that happened
Speaker 1: to you that day, and above all, someone you truly respect,
Speaker 1: because that drives how you treat and communicate with each other.
Speaker 1: If you bring out the best in each other without
Speaker 1: even trying, that's a really great start. Good luck in
Speaker 1: your dating quest. It's okay to suck a dating everyone
Speaker 1: does because dating sucks. Isn't that a great email? Email?
Speaker 1: Trace Tracy killing it? I love the way she ends it.
Speaker 1: See that's what I was talking about last week too, though,
Speaker 1: kind of like that utopic idea of just two people
Speaker 1: kind of coming together and fitting together like puzzle pieces
Speaker 1: that can you know, Like when the person leaves the
Speaker 1: room and you all you can do is think about
Speaker 1: how much you miss them and how much wish they
Speaker 1: were back in the room with you. That's what I
Speaker 1: think all of us want and work for. And if
Speaker 1: you don't, we all looking for you, looking for you,
Speaker 1: and if you don't have that, then all you can
Speaker 1: kind of do is hope for the best moving forward.
Speaker 1: That's kind of like, I don't know it. No, I agree,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Um. I also think, just to touch on,
Speaker 1: I think, yes, Dean was being very hard on himself,
Speaker 1: but just to reiterate, I think, um, we also just
Speaker 1: wanted to respect the fact that the other person wasn't
Speaker 1: here to defend herself. And that's why I think for
Speaker 1: me personally, and I think Dean was shaking his head
Speaker 1: as if he agrees, Um, no, no, no, he agrees
Speaker 1: that like we you know, do you want to focus
Speaker 1: on himself because it's hard to really focus on somebody
Speaker 1: else when they're not here to be able to speak
Speaker 1: their piece on it and give their opinion, because that's
Speaker 1: almost unfair. Um. But yeah, of course, in reality, of course,
Speaker 1: I think Dean's being too hard on himself. You know,
Speaker 1: Dean's a wonderful guy, is a great catch. I don't
Speaker 1: think I have to really say that. Um, and so, Dean,
Speaker 1: you're gonna find the love of your life and you're
Speaker 1: going to shower her with affection and she's going to
Speaker 1: be the luckiest lady on this planet earth. Such a sweetheart.
Speaker 1: Things dard it does funny. To Tracy's point, she said
Speaker 1: something on the line along the lines of when she
Speaker 1: met her husband of twenty years, he just started going
Speaker 1: to therapy. And I know I mentioned last week how
Speaker 1: it was something I was gonna start seeking out, and
Speaker 1: I did start going. So I went yesterday for the
Speaker 1: first time since I was fifteen, and I found this fascinating.
Speaker 1: You found the therapist on yelled. You found him on
Speaker 1: yellow Yep, you got some got some great reviews. It's
Speaker 1: like a four point nine star rating. Seriously, it's like
Speaker 1: an uber driver here, like four point nine. How could
Speaker 1: I not go to this therapist? But actually, so it's
Speaker 1: funny is I found the four point nine star therapist
Speaker 1: and she was far far too expensive for me, like
Speaker 1: like ridiculous, and so she was like, yeah, you can
Speaker 1: take this person at this office instead. Um No, it
Speaker 1: was great. It's it's obviously it's only been one session
Speaker 1: so far, but I'm gonna do it weekly and you know,
Speaker 1: hopefully it's it's it'll prove to be beneficial. So far,
Speaker 1: you know, it's nice to be able to talk freely
Speaker 1: and openly with someone that you know. Um, we'll keep
Speaker 1: it all confident and in privacy and all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff. So um, it felt good, it felt normal
Speaker 1: from so far. But again, it's all everything that I
Speaker 1: told her in the first session is the things that
Speaker 1: I've um either shared with you guys on the podcast
Speaker 1: or shared with my friends and privacy as well. But
Speaker 1: it's nice to have kind of like an unbiased opinion, uh,
Speaker 1: in order to kind of help you work things. And um,
Speaker 1: she's she's kind of along the same lines too, Like
Speaker 1: she's talking about like how dreams influence the things that
Speaker 1: are going on in your life and all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff as well. And I've always been kind of
Speaker 1: a person that has really weird dreams and like vivid
Speaker 1: dreams and just kind of a lot going in my head,
Speaker 1: especially when I'm sleeping. So it's I think it'll be
Speaker 1: very beneficially. I'm excited to see how it helps and
Speaker 1: if it helps and all that kind of stuff. And um,
Speaker 1: obviously I'll share with you guys a lot of kind
Speaker 1: of what's going on, and I'll keep some of it
Speaker 1: a little bit more private. But um, I think it's
Speaker 1: really nice too, because I think sometimes when you talk
Speaker 1: amongst your friends as a guy, like I like, sometimes
Speaker 1: I don't really open up as much as I should
Speaker 1: for the simple fact that I don't want to be
Speaker 1: judged by my by my bros. And so I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, and I kind of keep things at a
Speaker 1: surface level. But I remember, yeah, for someone with therapy,
Speaker 1: it was just like really nice just to be like,
Speaker 1: you know, not feel guilty to cry, you know, just
Speaker 1: to like let it all out. Almost almost cried yesterday
Speaker 1: and I was like, stop yourself from crying, Just like
Speaker 1: I need to get comfortable enough with her first before
Speaker 1: I can. Like, I opened up about a lot of things,
Speaker 1: and there were moments where I was like talking about something,
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm really about to cry right now,
Speaker 1: so like town it back. But it's just like I
Speaker 1: feel I need to build the level of comfortability up
Speaker 1: a little bit at least, you mean, like at least
Speaker 1: until session three for that one um session too. I
Speaker 1: have you ever done therapy, Amanda, I have actually Um,
Speaker 1: I've done therapy when I was going through my divorce,
Speaker 1: But I mean, I think it's good for anyone to go,
Speaker 1: you know, talk to somebody. Um. Obviously, you know we've
Speaker 1: all been through a lot of relationships, different kinds of relationships.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean, I think it's good just to
Speaker 1: have someone to talk to, someone that's unbiased. So I'm
Speaker 1: all for it. The unbiased is big for me too, because, um,
Speaker 1: as much as I love all my friends and all
Speaker 1: you guys and all the support that they give, sometimes
Speaker 1: I think it's important to have someone that is going
Speaker 1: to call you out for a kind of the crap
Speaker 1: that you're doing wrong exactly, because sometimes your friends can
Speaker 1: just take your side too much and they're like, no,
Speaker 1: you're great, They're awful, and it makes you feel good.
Speaker 1: But having your right, that unbiased opinion to say, well,
Speaker 1: maybe you could have done this better is really pivotal
Speaker 1: to improving yourself. Yeah. Um, but one way to deal
Speaker 1: with all that stuff is to go and find a
Speaker 1: significantly that you can share this intimate and personal and
Speaker 1: private things with the things we're looking for. You were
Speaker 1: just talking about, you want that person you miss when
Speaker 1: they leave the room and for a lot of people,
Speaker 1: the Harmony is the way to go. And I think
Speaker 1: to the point that that you guys made earlier, it's
Speaker 1: it's someone that you want to spend all your time
Speaker 1: with and do everything you want to do with them.
Speaker 1: And so what I think that Harmony does a great
Speaker 1: job of is kind of curating the things that you
Speaker 1: find important in your life and then kind of matching
Speaker 1: you with someone that feels the same way about those things,
Speaker 1: and they're that are willing to do those things with you.
Speaker 1: So um Like, everyone's tired of hook up sites, right,
Speaker 1: Everyone's tired of hook up dating apps and all this stuff.
Speaker 1: The Harmony is so much more than that. They're not
Speaker 1: a hook up stide, and they take great pride in
Speaker 1: that they are the one you go to when you're
Speaker 1: ready for a relationship exactly. I think people that are
Speaker 1: actually trying to find a relationship, e Harmony is the
Speaker 1: place to go because I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: that are on there are actually looking to go on
Speaker 1: dates rather than just hook up. For sure, they survey
Speaker 1: it's six singles and they need to be a Harmony.
Speaker 1: The number one most trusted dating site or app there is.
Speaker 1: They've helped over a million people find their perfect match. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and on top of all of that, it's affordable to
Speaker 1: and right now, our listeners can get a free month
Speaker 1: with the Harmony when they sign up for a three
Speaker 1: month subscription. So if you are serious about dating and
Speaker 1: you want to take it seriously, and you want to
Speaker 1: find that person that you can spend the rest of
Speaker 1: your life with, and so be sure to go to
Speaker 1: e harmony dot com and if you use our code
Speaker 1: help at check out, you'll get a free month with
Speaker 1: your three month subscription. So stop waiting for your journey
Speaker 1: to to a satisfying, meaningful relationship. It can start right
Speaker 1: now on e harmony. If you go online, UM, fill
Speaker 1: out your profile. I promise you it doesn't take too long,
Speaker 1: and I promise it's actually probably gonna be pretty fun.
Speaker 1: You might even learn a little bit more about yourself
Speaker 1: and kind of what you value and are looking for.
Speaker 1: So um check it out harmony dot com. All right,
Speaker 1: so let's talk about a little bit. Uh, I guess
Speaker 1: current events in the dating world right now. I'm sure
Speaker 1: most of you listeners have heard isn't in us all?
Speaker 1: In studio? I've heard, of course, of John Cena and
Speaker 1: Nicki Bella's situation going on John's I just wanted to
Speaker 1: it out. I'm sorry, we can we can squeeze a
Speaker 1: couple more of those in before the end of the segment. Um.
Speaker 1: It's one of those situations where they were dating for
Speaker 1: a long time, about five or six years, and John
Speaker 1: Cena and Nikki decided to get married, but a month
Speaker 1: before their actual wedding ceremony. Uh, John called it off
Speaker 1: because he didn't want children and Nikki did. No, we
Speaker 1: don't really know who called it off. It's more of
Speaker 1: a they came out with like some sort of statement
Speaker 1: saying that we just decided to go our separate ways.
Speaker 1: And it's been then further, like there's been rumors coming
Speaker 1: out that the reason they broke up was because John
Speaker 1: didn't want kids and Nikki did. Right thanks to embarrassing
Speaker 1: because I had the big public proposal in the middle
Speaker 1: of the wrestling ring with all these people watching, and
Speaker 1: it was a big deal and it was beautiful as that.
Speaker 1: I think it was about a year ago when when
Speaker 1: they got and they proposed, it was like, yeah, it
Speaker 1: was in the it was in the ring. It was
Speaker 1: obviously John Cena is a wrestler, for any but that
Speaker 1: doesn't know. And so he did it at the w
Speaker 1: W e insaide the ring, and like there's this big production.
Speaker 1: It was a year ago. Was last April during WrestleMania
Speaker 1: thirty three, Yes, WrestleMania thirty three, which obviously all our
Speaker 1: listeners watched one of the Strestlemania as in my opinion,
Speaker 1: get duh. And so I think it's just very interesting
Speaker 1: that it happened a month before the wedding and why
Speaker 1: this may be? Why? Like why now, that's my curious question.
Speaker 1: That's why not earlier. It definitely beckons a question of
Speaker 1: if one person in a relationship wants children the other
Speaker 1: doesn't want children, is it worth saying in that relationship
Speaker 1: because you know it will be a point of contention
Speaker 1: later on. I think for me, sometimes I think about
Speaker 1: I kind of go back and forth whether I want
Speaker 1: kids or not. There's moments where I can't imagine my
Speaker 1: life without being a father at some point, or there
Speaker 1: are times where I question whether I want to have kids,
Speaker 1: and I think I always go back. I want kids,
Speaker 1: but more than anything, I want kids with the right person.
Speaker 1: Because I mean, obviously many you can speak upon this
Speaker 1: like the as wonderful and as it's probably one of
Speaker 1: the best things that You've ever done with your life,
Speaker 1: but it's probably also one of the most stressful things
Speaker 1: that I've ever done with your life. And so for me,
Speaker 1: i'd i'd want to go through that process with somebody
Speaker 1: that I love and really can can depend on um.
Speaker 1: And so I think that's a that's a big contention
Speaker 1: for me, or at least something I'm going to atten
Speaker 1: to work towards is not just having kids, but having
Speaker 1: kids with the right person UM, because you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: we've talked about relationships ending and marriages ending and how
Speaker 1: difficult that could be, and of course that's just life
Speaker 1: and that's the way things happen. Sometimes you can't really
Speaker 1: prevent it. But I'm going to do everything in my
Speaker 1: power to try to prevent that. And the first and
Speaker 1: foremost thing is finding that right person before I end
Speaker 1: up having kids, or at least try to. I don't know,
Speaker 1: so obviously, Amanda dealbreaker. Few meetings like kids. Actually, can
Speaker 1: I ask you does that happen often? Because as like
Speaker 1: a single date, as a single mother dating, do you
Speaker 1: make it known well in advance that you have to daughters? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I mean, it's something that I mean, I would never hide.
Speaker 1: It's like the most important thing to me. So I
Speaker 1: wouldn't even really waste my time dating somebody who didn't
Speaker 1: want kids or who didn't like kids. Um. But I
Speaker 1: think that's something that like dating in the past was
Speaker 1: a lot different, Like you used to just like meet
Speaker 1: someone and if you liked each other, then like later
Speaker 1: down the road you would start talking about what you
Speaker 1: want in the future. Or I think that now that
Speaker 1: I have kids is something that I talk about sooner.
Speaker 1: So that's probably I mean, I don't know if that's
Speaker 1: what happened with them, but I'm sure they're like in love.
Speaker 1: They just probably want different things in life, which is
Speaker 1: a deal breaker, you know. Yeah, I think it's something
Speaker 1: in a relationship that would be very difficult to work past.
Speaker 1: If one person was so adamant to having kids and
Speaker 1: the other person was saying I would never having kids,
Speaker 1: I don't really see how a relationship could work, um
Speaker 1: if that was the case, because that's you know, that's
Speaker 1: your family, that's your legacy, that's your life. And I
Speaker 1: think we've talked in the past about like political differences,
Speaker 1: religious differences. That type of stuff is a work through,
Speaker 1: like you can get through those types of things for
Speaker 1: for some. For some it's a deal breakers stright up.
Speaker 1: And I think I feel like the older you get,
Speaker 1: the more strict you get with your deal breakers. Of course, yeah,
Speaker 1: because you just are so much more comfortably with yourself
Speaker 1: and you're like, no, I'm not settling, Like I'm at
Speaker 1: this age, I've gone this long. I'm okay with being single. Um, Like,
Speaker 1: I am going to either wait for the right person
Speaker 1: or just never find them. And I think in Amanda's case,
Speaker 1: like you definitely have to be a lot more selected
Speaker 1: with who you date now. Yeah, I mean my deal breakers,
Speaker 1: this is like a mile long dean. You want kids?
Speaker 1: I would love kids, Yes, And if you were in
Speaker 1: a relationship early on and realized the other person is
Speaker 1: not interested in that, would that be the end of
Speaker 1: it or would you just kind of see where it goes?
Speaker 1: That's what I was I was actually like while Jared
Speaker 1: was talking, I was like staring off into space, trying
Speaker 1: to think about that situation. Well, I'm really glad you
Speaker 1: listen to me. I'm just trying to wrap my head
Speaker 1: around it because I've never really experienced that, and I
Speaker 1: do want kids. I think that I need to get
Speaker 1: to a place where I'm comfortable with myself enough obviously
Speaker 1: before I'm ready to have kids. Like I'm excited to
Speaker 1: have kids. I can't wait to have kids, but I
Speaker 1: know that I need to take a lot of time
Speaker 1: before I'm ready for something like that. Um, if I
Speaker 1: was dating someone that was vehemently against having children, I
Speaker 1: don't think that I would really look at it as
Speaker 1: a long term thing. But again, I I don't I
Speaker 1: agree with Dean. For me too, if I was on
Speaker 1: a day with somebody who said I would never have kids,
Speaker 1: I think it would be tough thing for me because
Speaker 1: even though I'm not completely sure if I want kids,
Speaker 1: I'm also very sure that I'm not positive that I
Speaker 1: never want kids, if that makes any sense. I want
Speaker 1: to specific like family too, Like I want to have
Speaker 1: two children on my own. I want to adopt two children. UM.
Speaker 1: And I've whenever I share that with people in like
Speaker 1: the dating world before, UM, all of this, like it's
Speaker 1: always been received pretty well. Like I've never met a
Speaker 1: girl and gone on dates with them, and like you know,
Speaker 1: eventually obviously you get on that topic of things. And
Speaker 1: I've never had a girl be like, oh, like I
Speaker 1: don't want kids. So it's just something that I'm not
Speaker 1: familiar with, so it's hard for me to kind of
Speaker 1: wrap my head around that situation. Well, this guy, hopefully
Speaker 1: that we can be common ground with you and that
Speaker 1: future wife of yours. Maybe she won't of course quite
Speaker 1: exactly the same thing. Yeah, you can come together. Of course,
Speaker 1: there's some flexibility there. It's just like an idea that
Speaker 1: I've had for a long time. I'm don't not like
Speaker 1: steadfast and thinking that, but um, yeah, to bounce off
Speaker 1: your point, I completely agree with you. I think sometimes
Speaker 1: I think about myself and whether I want kids or not,
Speaker 1: and I think sometimes I think I don't because I'm
Speaker 1: just not in the place right now that I feel
Speaker 1: comfortable having kids. But in two to three years, hopefully
Speaker 1: I'm more comfortable and uh, you know, financially set and
Speaker 1: kind of know where I'm living and who I'm with,
Speaker 1: and at that point, like, no, I want kids, just
Speaker 1: the reason I was so, I was doubting a little
Speaker 1: bit early on in my office because I just don't
Speaker 1: think I was ready to have kids great at this moment.
Speaker 1: But I think it's also like what you said, like
Speaker 1: you want to have kids with the right person, because
Speaker 1: people ask me, like one of the number one question
Speaker 1: they get asked all the time is if I want
Speaker 1: more kids, And I do, Like, I really want more kids,
Speaker 1: but I want to have more kids with like the
Speaker 1: right person, you know what I mean. So if that
Speaker 1: never happens, and at leastity of two. But I think
Speaker 1: that's a big thing. Like it's hard to imagine yourself
Speaker 1: having kids when you're like so single, you know, Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: I think I think I need to learn how to
Speaker 1: depend on myself before I can let others depend on
Speaker 1: me too in terms of kids. That's deep. That was deep.
Speaker 1: I wasking on that one for a second. It's a
Speaker 1: good one. But that's very true because I think that
Speaker 1: is a fear for a lot of people that I
Speaker 1: have no business being a father. So I can't be
Speaker 1: doing this. Oh it's terrified I'm only going to mess
Speaker 1: them up. Yeah, I feel like I like, I mean, help,
Speaker 1: I suck at dating, Like I already feel insecure about
Speaker 1: my dating life, let alone taking care of such a
Speaker 1: fragile thing like a baby and trying to raise them
Speaker 1: right and teach them right from wrong. Um, it's a
Speaker 1: very intimidating endeavor to take and so totally, I will
Speaker 1: say children in general, though, I enjoy being around children,
Speaker 1: even like my closest friends. Um, before I went on
Speaker 1: the show and I was like working as a recruiter
Speaker 1: for all those years, I was always kind of having
Speaker 1: like this uh professional like uncertain people I wanted to do.
Speaker 1: And a lot of my great friends were always like,
Speaker 1: you should go into teaching like elementary education. Um, whatever
Speaker 1: that is, because I do. I feel like I feel
Speaker 1: like that whatever whatever else. I'm just saying. I feel
Speaker 1: like when I'm a dad, I'll be a good dad.
Speaker 1: I just know that I need to be like I
Speaker 1: don't know, I need to figure out exactly what I
Speaker 1: like being around kids. I guess I think you're going
Speaker 1: to be an awesome dad. And I think everything that
Speaker 1: I've I'm sure Amanda can attest this. Every parent that
Speaker 1: I've ever talked about, like like, how do you know
Speaker 1: what you're doing with raising kids? And like every parents
Speaker 1: always like you just do the best you can stuff.
Speaker 1: That's why I think it's funny like hearing I mean
Speaker 1: my friends are the same way, Like when you hear
Speaker 1: people talk about wanting kids, are like, well, first, I
Speaker 1: need to be financially set. I need to work on myself,
Speaker 1: I need to do all these things. I'm like, you're
Speaker 1: literally never gonna have kids. If you were just trying
Speaker 1: to wait till you're perfect, it just happens and then
Speaker 1: you just like you said, you just do the best
Speaker 1: you can can you enjoy it? And Amanda, you've done
Speaker 1: a wonderful job. You guys are so nice. How old
Speaker 1: are your daughter? Six? And four? Yeah? What are other
Speaker 1: deal breakers? All three of you are single? Are there
Speaker 1: any other things that in your mind that's it? If
Speaker 1: this happened, I'm out no matter what. Uh. Cigarette smoking
Speaker 1: totally number one? I agree, absolutely agree, same. I just
Speaker 1: don't think I could kiss someone routinely that always has
Speaker 1: a cigarette in the mouth and like the cigarette breath
Speaker 1: and it's just you know, it might be a deal breaker.
Speaker 1: I mean I have so many oh gosh, okay, um,
Speaker 1: like most importantly, like obviously, somebody that wants kids and
Speaker 1: like family super important to them is number one for me.
Speaker 1: But um also, like, I mean, somebody that's honest, somebody
Speaker 1: that's consistent. But I think also someone that just has
Speaker 1: like the same like morals and values is me especially
Speaker 1: like raising kids. I've realized, like I have like a
Speaker 1: very it's hard being a single mom because you're not
Speaker 1: like raising your kids with somebody else. And I have
Speaker 1: like this very specific way that I like raise my kids,
Speaker 1: Like I want them to be like super respectful, super
Speaker 1: nice to everybody. So like when you bring someone else around,
Speaker 1: I don't know, like it's hard for them to like,
Speaker 1: like I don't want them to like rub off on
Speaker 1: my kids, and like the way I know actually you
Speaker 1: mentioned makes sense. You mentioned this to me in the
Speaker 1: past before. How as selective as you are with the
Speaker 1: people that you date, you also are very very It
Speaker 1: takes you a long time to be willing to introduce
Speaker 1: them to your children, which I think is very important
Speaker 1: because they don't want to. I don't know, constantly me
Speaker 1: meeting these guys that you're dating, because it could be
Speaker 1: confusing for them. But that's that's an interesting point too,
Speaker 1: because as a single mother, you're kind of allowed to
Speaker 1: raise them the way that you want to raise them.
Speaker 1: And Mark like in your point, you're kind of obviously
Speaker 1: sharing the raising of the children with your wife, so
Speaker 1: it's kind of sort of thing. Yeah, um, I could
Speaker 1: see you having real issue with a guy coming in
Speaker 1: and having certain things he wants for the kids, certain rules,
Speaker 1: certain you know, or like idated a guy once that
Speaker 1: was like not that nice to like waiters or like
Speaker 1: our house cleaners and stuff. And I was like, and
Speaker 1: he was really sweet to my kids, but I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't want my kids seeing that, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like I raised them to be like super
Speaker 1: nice to everybody and like treat everybody with respect. So
Speaker 1: that's like such a big thing for me, is like
Speaker 1: I just want my kids to be like nice, good people.
Speaker 1: That's a big one totally. This is kind of often
Speaker 1: be in path. But when you said nice to service
Speaker 1: and bargers, that is my number one pet peeve not
Speaker 1: it's probably a deal breaker. If I'm gonna date with
Speaker 1: somebody and then they're rude to a waiter, a bartender,
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm more turned off. Like I remember
Speaker 1: this one specific date that I want on. The girl
Speaker 1: never even looked at the server's eyes, Like he came
Speaker 1: over and started introducing himself and she interrupted and was
Speaker 1: like I'll take this and I'll take that. And I
Speaker 1: was like, oh God, is this date over again? This
Speaker 1: is awful? And so I always say that I think
Speaker 1: people should always work in the hospitality industry for six months.
Speaker 1: It should be it should be a given because you
Speaker 1: need to. It really teaches you how to treat people
Speaker 1: you never really like you learned so many manners by
Speaker 1: cleaning up and serving people. Sorry, I'll take the pettini
Speaker 1: alfredo a diet coke, and then you go, I'll take
Speaker 1: the check. But yeah. Then, also what you guys said,
Speaker 1: like cigarette smoking and just a guy that like drinks
Speaker 1: too much, which I feel like it is so common,
Speaker 1: like should get so drunk and it's such a turn off.
Speaker 1: I don't like that. And you said something too that
Speaker 1: was actually pretty interesting to me. You said consistent, which
Speaker 1: I really like that answer because I think that people
Speaker 1: change over time. But as long as you don't change
Speaker 1: who you are, that's the most important thing. And to
Speaker 1: stay consistent with who you are and what your character is.
Speaker 1: Of course you're going to change, like there are things
Speaker 1: three years ago that I that like, I had one
Speaker 1: view on and now I have a different view on
Speaker 1: because I've evolved, I've changed, But you know, I think
Speaker 1: it's very important to try to also stay consistent to
Speaker 1: who you are as a human. Being, and so I
Speaker 1: really like that answer. What about money issues? Somebody is
Speaker 1: super cheap, somebody is super you know, spends money like crazy.
Speaker 1: Has that ever come into play that something you consider?
Speaker 1: I want to ask financial As a girl, if okay,
Speaker 1: guy takes you on a date, do you split the
Speaker 1: bill and do you want him to pay? Like, what
Speaker 1: is your first day? First day? Even if it's just drink,
Speaker 1: it's say it drinks or dinner? Okay, what is your
Speaker 1: now it's you know, obviously it's probably not a deal
Speaker 1: breaker for you, but what do you prefer? Because as
Speaker 1: a guy, I I I want to pay. I mean,
Speaker 1: to be completely honest, I think it'd be kind of
Speaker 1: a turn off if a guy let me split the
Speaker 1: ball with him on the first thing. And if you
Speaker 1: offer to pay and see what he how you responds.
Speaker 1: I always offer, Yeah, if they actually accepted, it's kind
Speaker 1: of a turn off. Or like the check is just
Speaker 1: in the middle of the table and you're kind of
Speaker 1: just both awkward staring at it, and he like reluctantly
Speaker 1: reaches over and his like, uh so you want to
Speaker 1: split it? Or that would be yeah. I always I
Speaker 1: always try to take charge and I always try to
Speaker 1: pay for the bill for the first, you know, first date.
Speaker 1: I understand, like I can't pay, like if we go
Speaker 1: on four dates, and they're probably not going to pay
Speaker 1: for every time obviously, but first day, I think it's
Speaker 1: just a really nice gesture. Even if the date doesn't
Speaker 1: go well like the date that it was awful on,
Speaker 1: I still paid for the whole thing, which was a
Speaker 1: terrible mistake because she got like five drinks in the bills.
Speaker 1: Like I was like, I was like, please, just someone
Speaker 1: just throw me off the top of this building. I
Speaker 1: will say, when I first moved to l A, I've
Speaker 1: been pretty poor in my whole of life. When I
Speaker 1: first moved to l A, I had sold my car
Speaker 1: um like, my job was fine, but I wasn't like
Speaker 1: and like rent out here is so ridiculous. I was
Speaker 1: adjusting to all that kind of stuff, and I was
Speaker 1: like trying to go on dates and meet people like
Speaker 1: you go out, and I'm like, I just have no
Speaker 1: money to even spend on myself, and now here I
Speaker 1: am I have to pay for dinner and drinks and
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. Like you want to be
Speaker 1: a gentleman and do those sorts of things. But I
Speaker 1: don't think that we should overlook the guys that are
Speaker 1: maybe unable to split and pay the bill entirely. Is
Speaker 1: that a deal breaker? Though? You meet a guy who
Speaker 1: doesn't have a job right now, for a lot of women,
Speaker 1: that's goodbye kind of. I mean, I don't I don't
Speaker 1: necessarily think like how much. I don't really care how
Speaker 1: much money a guy makes. I think it's just like
Speaker 1: the gesture of like paying on the first date. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean, I think is they're a hard worker.
Speaker 1: I mean, not someone who's just lazy, but exactly maybe
Speaker 1: you're working towards like Dean, you're not lazy. You just
Speaker 1: came out here and you started to struggle early on,
Speaker 1: and then you obviously got your you know, footing after
Speaker 1: a little while. I think, also, um, what the hell
Speaker 1: was I going to say? Oh, if you don't have
Speaker 1: a lot of money, what you can do as a
Speaker 1: guy is you cannot go out for dinner and just
Speaker 1: go out for drinks or even coffee. Like if you
Speaker 1: go out for coffee and then you just pay for
Speaker 1: a coffee, that's you paying for the date, but it's
Speaker 1: only a four dollar date. Those creative, those creative like
Speaker 1: fund dates have always been so challenging for me. You
Speaker 1: could go to the beach, obviously, have a picnic and
Speaker 1: spend you know, ten dollars on a charcuterie board or
Speaker 1: something like that on a what house and get a
Speaker 1: charcuterie board probably sells on sale. God, I'm just saying
Speaker 1: it's a high scale wasting cold cuts, all right, that's
Speaker 1: fair enough. I'm really bad at those though, and those
Speaker 1: are those can be just as beneficial, I feel like too,
Speaker 1: because then there's not even the pressure of having to
Speaker 1: split it, having to pay for it, having to do
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. You can just get like
Speaker 1: a three buck chuck out of um um Trader Joe's
Speaker 1: and then get a six dollar charcuterie board at a
Speaker 1: house on sale, and that's what we call it. Actually,
Speaker 1: I think that's pretty cute. Your thoughts on cute first dates?
Speaker 1: Would you rather go on a first date with somebody
Speaker 1: and just kind of have a very casual drinks, coffee,
Speaker 1: so on, or would you rather go on like a
Speaker 1: very extravagant, not extravagant, but like a fun date, like
Speaker 1: let's do something adventurous together for a first date? First date?
Speaker 1: First date? Right, because you have to see if you
Speaker 1: actually like the person. Totally agree. Yeah, but second date
Speaker 1: I think would be really sweet if a guy tried
Speaker 1: to like plan something because yeah, what about Because I
Speaker 1: talked to Tanya, who if we've had on the show before,
Speaker 1: and Erica who we've talked to. They don't like dinner
Speaker 1: first dates because it's too much of a commitment. They
Speaker 1: like drinks so they can get the hell out of there.
Speaker 1: If it leads to dinner, great, but they like something short.
Speaker 1: That's exactly what I say, Like, you start off just
Speaker 1: saying drinks, but if it's going well, then you guys
Speaker 1: can order dinner. You want to hear about a very
Speaker 1: committed first day. So one of my great girlfriends, a
Speaker 1: girl I went to college with, actually just uh this
Speaker 1: past weekend or not maybe even like two weekends ago. Um,
Speaker 1: she was like talking. She's like, Yeah, this guy from
Speaker 1: Florida who I've been talking to you for a little bit,
Speaker 1: he's gonna come out to l A and hang out
Speaker 1: with me. And I was like, wait, um, have you
Speaker 1: ever met this guy? Are you gonna go on dates
Speaker 1: with him first? And she's like no, we've just been
Speaker 1: talking a lot, and like we Um, I don't know.
Speaker 1: We're gonna try and he's gonna come out to l
Speaker 1: A and like hang out with me. She literally committed
Speaker 1: nine days to spending time with this guy, and she
Speaker 1: was dreading it too. She's like, I'm gonna hate him.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be horrible, like I don't know what to expect, etcetera, etcetera.
Speaker 1: And then actually I just saw her yesterday with the guy. Um,
Speaker 1: she came over to hang out with a little for
Speaker 1: little bit, and uh, that night she changed your Facebook
Speaker 1: status to in a relationship with this guy that she's
Speaker 1: dating now. So it's like she over committed to the
Speaker 1: relationship very very early, Like it's almost like going to
Speaker 1: like a dinner on steroids. But it worked out for
Speaker 1: her in that favorite In that way, sometimes I feel
Speaker 1: like when you, even if you're just talking to someone
Speaker 1: like you kind of can tell if you're gonna like
Speaker 1: them or not. So I agree sometimes I like going.
Speaker 1: My favorite first day is probably a coffee day. I
Speaker 1: know everybody like gives me a crap for that, but
Speaker 1: I like it for the simple factor. Well one because
Speaker 1: it is kind of like getting drinks because you can
Speaker 1: like kind of get out of there if you need
Speaker 1: to if it's not going well, because you're right dinner
Speaker 1: just it's like by the time Jenner comes and dessert,
Speaker 1: you're with this person like an over an hour, and
Speaker 1: if it's not going well, it's just a really awful
Speaker 1: conversation obligation exactly, And it's like an awkward conversation. But
Speaker 1: at least if you're getting drinks, you can get out
Speaker 1: there and tap hour. But the reason I like coffee
Speaker 1: is because if you're able to hold a conversation with
Speaker 1: somebody without the use of alcohol, I think that's a
Speaker 1: really good first step. Absolutely. But I think the thing
Speaker 1: that sucks about a coffee day is that it's very
Speaker 1: it's almost like too formal in a sense where you're
Speaker 1: gonna sit down and be like, Hi, this is my name,
Speaker 1: this is how old I am, this is what I
Speaker 1: do for work, and it's just very like isn't that
Speaker 1: like a first day in general? Like, yeah, but what's
Speaker 1: the difference between getting coffee and getting drinks in terms
Speaker 1: of like conversational drink seems like a little more fun
Speaker 1: and casual. Yeah, it's like interviewing exactly, like you're gonna
Speaker 1: go over your resume or something like, right, maybe I guess.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. Help by Seth. Look,
Speaker 1: my first day with my wife was a baseball game.
Speaker 1: We've talked about this before. I'm a big fan of
Speaker 1: sporting events. Tanya and Becca rolled their eyes because they
Speaker 1: do not want to sit for three hours at a
Speaker 1: sporting event with a guy they don't like. But I
Speaker 1: love it because if you want to talk, you can talk.
Speaker 1: If you don't want to talk and watch the game,
Speaker 1: that's fine too. It's not awkward. There's not like weird
Speaker 1: conversational pauses. You watch the game, you can talk. If
Speaker 1: you want to have a beer, have a beer. It's
Speaker 1: more relaxed by but like that totally and well, it
Speaker 1: takes a lot of pressure off. That was almost twenty
Speaker 1: one years ago. So it went well. And the man
Speaker 1: you're you're a great husband. Every every episode, Mark just
Speaker 1: has to just look me dead in the eyes and
Speaker 1: be like twenty one I was, so you know I
Speaker 1: was twenty six when I met her, Yes, right around. Well,
Speaker 1: I guess I'm just like I will say, first date,
Speaker 1: just don't go to a movie. That's my biggest It's
Speaker 1: so bad. I don't understand why people and apparently that
Speaker 1: still happens in front of my one on a day
Speaker 1: and they went to go see a movie. Probably was
Speaker 1: I forget it was like last year at some point,
Speaker 1: but like, still, what if it was, like what if
Speaker 1: it was like a drink thing that turned into evolved
Speaker 1: into it also let's go to a movie. No, that's
Speaker 1: not what happened. But I'm just saying, generally speaking, sure
Speaker 1: of course, if you're like, hey, let's go get drinks
Speaker 1: first and then go see a movie, sure, because you
Speaker 1: have a conversation, but still awkward position because like you said,
Speaker 1: what the drinks don't go well and you're like, you
Speaker 1: don't plan on it. I'm just saying, it's like, hey,
Speaker 1: we just spend an hour talking to each other. Now
Speaker 1: let's go sit in the dark room for two hours.
Speaker 1: And that's the awkward thing is that you're sitting next
Speaker 1: to each other, because there's always like I'm sorry, but
Speaker 1: if a first date, like it's always that awkward, Like
Speaker 1: your arms are literally like a foot away from each other,
Speaker 1: so it's like, you know, it's a first date, so
Speaker 1: obviously I'm not gonna hold their hand, but it's almost
Speaker 1: awkward if I'm not like sitting so closely in the
Speaker 1: dark room and not like touching you in any way.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's just I think that could be
Speaker 1: very beneficial because then you could see, like if this
Speaker 1: person is a movie whisper, like, is she trying to
Speaker 1: crack jokes throughout the movie that's important to a lot
Speaker 1: of people. Are you a movie whisper? Yeah, Gode Breaker,
Speaker 1: Well not like not if maybe I am, and maybe
Speaker 1: I'm not. I don't know, maybe I haven't seen it.
Speaker 1: I remember one time when to go see a movie
Speaker 1: with a girl and she like leaned over and she
Speaker 1: was like halfway through and she's like, why did he
Speaker 1: do that? So that's not I was like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Let's experience this journey together like I'm seeing it for
Speaker 1: the first time too, I know, ask questions. I just
Speaker 1: kind of more like make little tiny statements that add
Speaker 1: to the experience for everyone. I will sometimes even speak
Speaker 1: louder so the people around me you can hear what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Your jokes are so good, Like you value
Speaker 1: your own humor so much, You're like everybody in the
Speaker 1: theater needs to do this. Well, let's turn it over
Speaker 1: to an expert at this point, shall we yes, please.
Speaker 1: She is a life coach. She calls herself a possibilitarian.
Speaker 1: She has board certified. We've had her on here before.
Speaker 1: We've had her on before. She's a life coach. She's
Speaker 1: Shari Haley, Shari everyone, Shari. How are we able to
Speaker 1: convince you to come back on the podcast? Sure, you're wonderful.
Speaker 1: Oh man, I just love hanging out with you. It's
Speaker 1: becoming a thing for me. Well, we wish you were
Speaker 1: in studio with us instead of over the phone. But
Speaker 1: thank you so much for calling in. Awesome, Absolutely, how
Speaker 1: are you. We're doing well, so you're joined. I'm sure
Speaker 1: you kind of got the run through, but we have Jared,
Speaker 1: Mark Eastern and Amanda Stanton here in studio and Shari. Hi,
Speaker 1: Hi guys. Hi. But um no, yeah, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for for again for calling in, um and through
Speaker 1: the breakup and all that kind of stuff. It's funny
Speaker 1: because I feel like so many things have happened since
Speaker 1: the last time we had a conversation. Yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: tell me, well, tell me everything, Dean. Well, I had
Speaker 1: a girlfriend for four months. I no longer have that girlfriend.
Speaker 1: And uh, yeah, I'm not sure if you listen to
Speaker 1: the last week's episode. But um, things have been a
Speaker 1: bit challenging, I think for for kind of everyone involved
Speaker 1: in the situation, And um, what's funny actually is I
Speaker 1: think last time we spoke, I had mentioned something about
Speaker 1: going back to therapy or going to therapy and uh,
Speaker 1: something I started recently as well. But it's nice to
Speaker 1: obviously have you and then broadcast your kind of professional
Speaker 1: opinions of the world, because you know, that's kind of
Speaker 1: what this whole the whole point of this is. But
Speaker 1: but yeah, I don't know what what do you tell
Speaker 1: me what you're going through now post breakup? Are you
Speaker 1: trying to figure out why it fell apart? You know,
Speaker 1: old patterns or what would what do you want to
Speaker 1: feel as opposed to what you're feeling. I'd love to
Speaker 1: take you into a better place with it or understanding
Speaker 1: what happens. Well, it's definitely gotten a lot better. It's
Speaker 1: it's not quite as fresh in my mind. I think
Speaker 1: last time I spoke on it, it was like four
Speaker 1: moves I'm sorry, four days removed, and now we're what
Speaker 1: eleven days later, And I mean, obviously it just gets
Speaker 1: a little bit easier as time goes on. But um,
Speaker 1: it's been you know, a little bit of depression, a
Speaker 1: lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, especially kind of
Speaker 1: like the publicness of it of the breakup is always challenging.
Speaker 1: I'm sure a man you can speak to that, right
Speaker 1: for sure. That's actually good point. We should probably talk
Speaker 1: about that maybe maybe maybe in a second, um, But no,
Speaker 1: it's it's I've been focusing a lot on kind of
Speaker 1: like coping coping um activities. So like I've been doing
Speaker 1: a lot of meditating, working out, um, trying to like
Speaker 1: enroll myself in more hobbies. Um. That's kind of that's
Speaker 1: kind of where I'm at right now in that sense.
Speaker 1: If that makes sense, Well, tell me a little bit
Speaker 1: about the anxiety and the depression, because I'll give you
Speaker 1: a little This is an interesting formula. There's a formula
Speaker 1: for happiness, and there's a formula for unhappiness. Is it
Speaker 1: like a multiplication problem? Can you write it down? Kind
Speaker 1: of you can write it's not nine times three? Is it?
Speaker 1: It's really helpful to know because then it gives you
Speaker 1: sort of the sense of power that you can you
Speaker 1: can change these things, you know, when you're feeling like that,
Speaker 1: feelings that you don't want to have. So there's anxiety
Speaker 1: and depressions coming up, probably because your blueprint, which is
Speaker 1: kind of your expectation of your life, is not equal
Speaker 1: to the way your life is. So if your blueprint
Speaker 1: needs to equal your life condition and the formulas like
Speaker 1: VP equals LC and and that's like you know that
Speaker 1: if you had this blueprint that you should be in
Speaker 1: relationship or you should have stayed in relationship with her,
Speaker 1: and you're broken up. That means now you're in the
Speaker 1: formula for unhappiness because those two don't equal each other anymore.
Speaker 1: And the way to get back to them equaling and
Speaker 1: feeling good again is to say, oh, update the blueprint.
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be with her, it wasn't the right pairing,
Speaker 1: and so therefore we are a part and the blueprint
Speaker 1: now equals again the life conditions, or you try to
Speaker 1: update the life conditions and get back together because your
Speaker 1: blueprint says we should have been together. Right, So if
Speaker 1: you have the right definition of where you should be
Speaker 1: right now, I should be single, I should still be
Speaker 1: out there meeting new people, then then it sort of
Speaker 1: sets you back. Got to feel good again, and I
Speaker 1: think all of your activities that you're doing sound phenomenal
Speaker 1: to taking care of your body and meditating and all
Speaker 1: those things. Actually, how do you feel really good? Can
Speaker 1: I ask strong? And healthy? Can I ask you a question?
Speaker 1: Is it too soon after you break up to start
Speaker 1: doing things like fun things with your friends like going
Speaker 1: to like music festival or going to basketball games? And
Speaker 1: she just like trying to get your mind off things.
Speaker 1: I think that that would be incredibly healthy. I think
Speaker 1: that yeah, you you in last you know, there was
Speaker 1: some kind of like avoidance of of what you really
Speaker 1: needed to feel. I think that there's there's two things, right,
Speaker 1: if you have grief or sadness that are coming through
Speaker 1: because you're not with this person, you need to feel
Speaker 1: those things. You can't. You know, if you're just trying
Speaker 1: to distract and avoid, those feelings will fester, right, They'll
Speaker 1: get toxic within you because they get stuck, And that's
Speaker 1: what causes us to get sicked down the road. If
Speaker 1: we're trying to deny those things, how do you confront
Speaker 1: those Like if you if you don't avoid them, what
Speaker 1: do you what can you do to confront them? There's
Speaker 1: a lot of different ways. I think talking about it
Speaker 1: is really helpful being with trusted, you know, friends and
Speaker 1: a therapist or somebody that you really feel safe with
Speaker 1: to talk it through, allows those feelings to come through.
Speaker 1: There's um writing that you can do to allow the
Speaker 1: feelings to kind of come through on a page. I
Speaker 1: think movement is really great. Like nothing feels better than like,
Speaker 1: you know, feeling super angry or you know, dad's on
Speaker 1: a super staff run. You know, like if you're out
Speaker 1: there in nature and hiking and letting those feelings come through,
Speaker 1: It's it's like seeing yourself as a channel, right and
Speaker 1: allowing them to just wash through you. That's super healthy.
Speaker 1: And you can go to a music festival and you know,
Speaker 1: be out there with friends and still feel the feelings.
Speaker 1: You know, I tell them, look, oh my gosh, this
Speaker 1: song is totally choking me up. Or I'm I'm feeling
Speaker 1: like so grateful that you guys have my back right
Speaker 1: now because this is all coming up and I'm missing her.
Speaker 1: Isn't that why everybody goes to for like emotional support. Totally? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's. So that's the fine line, right, You're
Speaker 1: not going to deny that they're there and pretend that
Speaker 1: you don't feel bad. You're just being honest about it,
Speaker 1: but still feeling alive and doing things that fill you
Speaker 1: up and make you feel good. Okay, that's good advice.
Speaker 1: That makes me feel better. It's yeah, yeah, sure, even
Speaker 1: hearing you talk, I think it's so difficult just going
Speaker 1: through a breakup for the simple fact that like, like
Speaker 1: nobody knows, like we talked about before, you just do
Speaker 1: the best you can. Nobody knows when the right time
Speaker 1: is to move on, or like, oh, should I be
Speaker 1: doing things with my friends, or should I be in
Speaker 1: my room sulking, or should I be, you know, trying
Speaker 1: to better myself because of the things that I've done wrong,
Speaker 1: or should I constantly looking for the next person? Like
Speaker 1: it's just kind of you have to just do the
Speaker 1: best you can and go through gutten if you're you know,
Speaker 1: and that's I think that's all you can really do.
Speaker 1: I don't think any of every breakup the same. I
Speaker 1: think each one is into Joel, and I think each
Speaker 1: one you have to really kind of listen to your
Speaker 1: heart and and you listen to your gut and do
Speaker 1: the best you can. Yeah. Yeah, And there's there's the
Speaker 1: thing that I work with clients on a lot that um,
Speaker 1: we could talk about for a really long time. It's
Speaker 1: called human needs psychology, and this is also a really
Speaker 1: helpful tool that when you're trying to think about like
Speaker 1: how to take care of yourself on a day to
Speaker 1: day basis, how to how to feel good. There are
Speaker 1: six needs that we all have that if you're really
Speaker 1: conscious about them, you're aware of them, you can say, oh,
Speaker 1: like I could go out drinking with my buddies and
Speaker 1: that would get my needs met at an okay level. Maybe,
Speaker 1: or I could go, you know, take a class, or
Speaker 1: go really talk to somebody and connect deeply, or you know,
Speaker 1: do something that would help others. Right, And all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, I feel like so much better than I
Speaker 1: would have just doing that one thing and met my
Speaker 1: needs at a much higher level, and in fact, I
Speaker 1: feel good for days. You know, the as human needs
Speaker 1: all run through them. Just for the listeners, and you know,
Speaker 1: it's certainly something anybody can email me and I'll send
Speaker 1: it to you. Much more information about them, but their certainty.
Speaker 1: So we all have a need for safety and love
Speaker 1: and in sort of pleasure and comfort uncertainty. We have
Speaker 1: a need for variety and excitement, significance. We need to
Speaker 1: feel like we matter, like people need us and we
Speaker 1: mean something to the world and love and connection, which
Speaker 1: is an obvious one growth and contribution. Right, So if
Speaker 1: you think, like, man, I'm feeling so low, you can
Speaker 1: think about those six needs and go, what could I
Speaker 1: do that would meet all of those needs at a
Speaker 1: really high level? Would it would Coachella give me all
Speaker 1: those things? And then you know you've got a winner,
Speaker 1: right if it does. No, I agree, Like sometimes I
Speaker 1: I you know, obviously that's the first time I heard
Speaker 1: the six stets or the six needs that are good
Speaker 1: for you. But I think there are a lot of
Speaker 1: times where I'm I'm feeling down by by myself, and
Speaker 1: I'll consciously think to myself, what can I do right
Speaker 1: now they'll make me feel better, And it's you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll go work out, or I'll go play a sport,
Speaker 1: or I'll just take a walk outside and get a coffee,
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, just I feel a little
Speaker 1: bit better from being in the sunshine and taking a
Speaker 1: you know, uh breath of fresh air. Um. Because sometimes,
Speaker 1: like I'll just be on the couch and I'll be
Speaker 1: like scrolling through my phone and I'll just like be
Speaker 1: feeling down about myself and I'm like, I need to
Speaker 1: just do something, um and it's it's amazing how just
Speaker 1: like a simple walk outside will just kind of bring
Speaker 1: me back to center, you know, yeah, big time. It
Speaker 1: gives you at least three of those needs. It gives
Speaker 1: you certainty, uncertainty, and connection to yourself. Probably how do
Speaker 1: you also feel significant because there you are out there
Speaker 1: taking care of yourself, is feeling good in nature and
Speaker 1: doing something wise, you know, so four out of the
Speaker 1: six kneeds at least you're getting and that means it's
Speaker 1: a it's a good thing to do. So I love
Speaker 1: tools that give you something to hold onto, and I
Speaker 1: think that's a great way to make decisions. Totally. The
Speaker 1: significant part is I'll call I'll call my mom Mom,
Speaker 1: and like she just understands me better than anybody in
Speaker 1: this world, and she has just it's not even what
Speaker 1: she says, it's just how she says it. And immediately
Speaker 1: if I'm bringing if I'm too down or if I'm
Speaker 1: too high, like she'll just bring me kind of like
Speaker 1: right back to center. And I think, you know, and
Speaker 1: you know that's you know, me calling my mom is
Speaker 1: is you know you can find your own way of
Speaker 1: setting yourself. That's kind of the thing that I had
Speaker 1: a conversation with someone the other day about that, because
Speaker 1: I don't really have much of a family out Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: Like I don't have someone that can call and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: this is what's going on. I'm sad, I'm going through this,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. I have my friends, of course, who
Speaker 1: want to be helpful, but you can't, really, like you
Speaker 1: said earlier, open up to them as much as you
Speaker 1: maybe would need to depending on the friendship totally. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So so that's kind of the challenging thing for for
Speaker 1: me personally. UM, I am trying to make more of
Speaker 1: an effort to hang out, Like with my brother, We're
Speaker 1: going to Kentucky for a week in May to go
Speaker 1: rock climbing back towards and he has a good relationship
Speaker 1: with his girlfriend as well, and UM, I don't. I
Speaker 1: just it's a weird dynamic when you don't necessarily have
Speaker 1: that immediate family to necessarily lean on. Um. But I
Speaker 1: do have like great friends that are constant reaching out
Speaker 1: and like saying like hey, if anything, obviously more than
Speaker 1: happy like step in and be that kind of resource
Speaker 1: for you. But um, it's funny that we all kind
Speaker 1: of have a different way of going about handling those
Speaker 1: difficult situations. I suppose, Well, is it fair to say
Speaker 1: that women and men both respond to break up differently,
Speaker 1: because it seems like with guys they want to get
Speaker 1: out there and live their life and and maybe get
Speaker 1: back on the horse, where with women they tend to
Speaker 1: be more, uh, they tend to close themselves in a
Speaker 1: little bit more and shut themselves off from the world.
Speaker 1: Is that fair to say? Yeah, it'd be tricky to generalize,
Speaker 1: you know, the whole gender, but I think I think
Speaker 1: it's true that, you know, we both have feminine and
Speaker 1: masculine energy, right, So if a woman is sort of
Speaker 1: going super masculine with her breakup, she's probably just gonna
Speaker 1: like zero in on work and stuff to do and
Speaker 1: try to win in other ways. That's what the masculine
Speaker 1: would try to do, is like go feel like you're
Speaker 1: winning or you're significant at something else to feel good again.
Speaker 1: And the feminine energy and us would probably more likely, um,
Speaker 1: try to go for safety, right, try to cuddle up
Speaker 1: and like cole up and be safe and go within
Speaker 1: and probably talk to girlfriends. You know, Yeah, there be
Speaker 1: some ice cream involved. I always get ice cream. I
Speaker 1: almost got I almost got salt and straw by myself
Speaker 1: last night because I was like, I just want an
Speaker 1: ice cream com I'm regretting it right now. I didn't.
Speaker 1: But actually I kind of want to hear a man's
Speaker 1: perspective on it, because Amanda, you've you know, you've had
Speaker 1: two public breakups from the Bachelor, and you know you,
Speaker 1: I think you come from a different perspective because you
Speaker 1: wore a mom and so it's like for someone like
Speaker 1: Dean and myself, like we can have an opportunity to
Speaker 1: kind of like, Okay, we need to focus on ourselves,
Speaker 1: you know, how do how do I best handle this breakup?
Speaker 1: For you, it's a different scenario, and I would imagine
Speaker 1: a far more difficult one. Yeah. Well, I was gonna say, Dean,
Speaker 1: I think you're actually doing a good job. I think that.
Speaker 1: I agree. I think a lot of times guys when
Speaker 1: they're going through break up just one to like go
Speaker 1: out or go to coachel and hang out with their friends,
Speaker 1: which is fine, and I think it's good too. But
Speaker 1: I don't think you're like running from how you're feeling.
Speaker 1: I think you're handling it really well, so you're welcome, um.
Speaker 1: But for me, yeah, it's tough because I think being
Speaker 1: a single mom, I already have so much guilt kind
Speaker 1: of of like I've talked about it so many times,
Speaker 1: like how I raise my kids and I want to
Speaker 1: like just like give them stability and like be really
Speaker 1: happy all the time. So when I'm going through something hard,
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to show my emotions and I
Speaker 1: feel like I just need to be like super happy
Speaker 1: for my kids all the time, which is like kind
Speaker 1: of difficult because I feel like I kind of ignore
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling and then it hits me later. I
Speaker 1: don't really deal with my emotions, so I think that
Speaker 1: costs from you know, being a mom and having to
Speaker 1: take care of other people. I don't really allow myself
Speaker 1: to be sad. Well, the tricky thing is, yeah, you've
Speaker 1: got that blueprint equals to life conditions formula that in
Speaker 1: order to be a good mom you have to be happy, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: which is tricky because you're a human being and I
Speaker 1: think you you obviously have days when you don't feel happy.
Speaker 1: So what happened there, It's like then your blueprint doesn't
Speaker 1: match and you're probably feeling worse for it because you're
Speaker 1: not only sad, you're not supposed to be sad on
Speaker 1: top of it. Yeah, I've always got to noticed the
Speaker 1: two differences between men and women when they break up.
Speaker 1: Is the guy for the first month after breakup will
Speaker 1: be very happy and then afterwards will be very sad,
Speaker 1: and the woman for after the breakup will be very
Speaker 1: sad for the first month and then very happy afterwards. Totally,
Speaker 1: it's like a weird it's like a weird yining in
Speaker 1: that sense. I feel like, yeah, yeah, girls tend to.
Speaker 1: I think we as women get more emotional support after
Speaker 1: a breakup. Does that resonate with you guys? It feels
Speaker 1: like we get we we can open up more easily
Speaker 1: and ask for support, and so we probably heal more quickly. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we have like all our girlfriends to talk about it with. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean you do too, but I feel like girls
Speaker 1: to talk about it more. Actually, yeah, but it's interesting
Speaker 1: here you say that, because like I have a lot
Speaker 1: of guy friends at place sports with and hang out with.
Speaker 1: It's definitely like quote unquote like kind of like that
Speaker 1: bro go to sports power playpool. But then I have
Speaker 1: my buddy, Um, Chad, who's like the greatest guy ever,
Speaker 1: and like he's somebody that I I talked to about
Speaker 1: relationships and how I'm feeling and he's, you know, he's
Speaker 1: he's happily engaged right now. And uh, it's it's good
Speaker 1: to have that person in your life to really just
Speaker 1: be like, you know, to talk about how you're truly feeling,
Speaker 1: because you need to get those um, you know, emotions
Speaker 1: off your chest. They're just the way you know to
Speaker 1: have you Guys, part of this show that online right
Speaker 1: now called We Are a Man Enough. No, it's a
Speaker 1: great one to check out. It's um Justin Baldoni and
Speaker 1: some really cool guys sitting around at a table talking
Speaker 1: about this stuff like why can't we be more open
Speaker 1: with each other? What's the deal with us being vulnerable?
Speaker 1: And we need to feel our feelings too? And I
Speaker 1: just I feel like we're on the brink of kind
Speaker 1: of a men's revolution that I'm very excited about. Men
Speaker 1: can actually have more connection to the are feminine side
Speaker 1: or so maybe redefining masculinity. I think it's time. I agree.
Speaker 1: A surey, would you have any advice for not only
Speaker 1: a man to hear about any of all the storts
Speaker 1: that might be going through similar situation where they do
Speaker 1: have difficulty talking about their emotions, but they also have
Speaker 1: kids and so you know, they're just a very busy
Speaker 1: human being and so they don't really have time to
Speaker 1: you know, go to a class or you know, work
Speaker 1: out on their own. Um, do you have any advice
Speaker 1: for them to like, maybe this is what you can
Speaker 1: do with a little time that you might have to
Speaker 1: really try to. Yeah, because I'm a single mom, so
Speaker 1: I totally relate to Amanda and know what you're going
Speaker 1: through and how at times like the big emotion that
Speaker 1: would come up for me was overwhelmed of just like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I have to do everything by myself.
Speaker 1: It's all on me. I'm trying to be the perfect
Speaker 1: mom and show that like the smiley face and also
Speaker 1: I'm right there with you. And what I've learned through
Speaker 1: parenting training and working with clients and just trying it
Speaker 1: with my own babies is showing them my humanity is
Speaker 1: a giant gift right, showing them that Mama has emotions,
Speaker 1: because what they'll learn is if I only show them happy,
Speaker 1: then they're going to grow up down the road feeling
Speaker 1: like they can only be happy because they never learned
Speaker 1: what to do when they weren't by watching me. So
Speaker 1: when I have feelings come up, I'll speak them. I'll say,
Speaker 1: I am feeling x y Z. I'm super honest about it,
Speaker 1: and here's what I need. It's simple. And the kids
Speaker 1: now know that if they're not getting like their best
Speaker 1: mom and I'm looking like I'm going off the rails,
Speaker 1: they'll say, mommy, what do you need? And heaven, heaven. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, I think you can give them shortcuts that
Speaker 1: then they feel significance back to the human needs because
Speaker 1: they know that they can do something to bring out
Speaker 1: the best in you. They don't just have to let
Speaker 1: go run and hide. Yeah that's sweet. Sweet. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: say thank you so much for calling back in and
Speaker 1: taking the time to speak with us. And I know
Speaker 1: you mentioned earlier that if anyone wanted to, um, you know,
Speaker 1: kind of expand on any any of these ideas that
Speaker 1: you've had, they could email you. Do you mind plugging
Speaker 1: your email address real quick? Sure? Yeah, sure at shree
Speaker 1: Healy dot com. And it's spelled h E r I
Speaker 1: E and the h E A L E y perfect
Speaker 1: for any listener out there. That has any more questions
Speaker 1: for SHUREI feel free to shoot an email. UM super helpful,
Speaker 1: I think for for pretty much anyone or any situation.
Speaker 1: So um sureie, thank you again so much for calling
Speaker 1: back in and you know we hope to have you
Speaker 1: on in a later podcast. We can just kind of
Speaker 1: keep this, uh this, I guess partnership and friendship going awesome.
Speaker 1: I would love it. You guys are the greatest. I
Speaker 1: have a great rest of your day. I'll talk to
Speaker 1: you soon. Thank thank you. All right, by, guys, have
Speaker 1: some emails we should get to before we wrap up today,
Speaker 1: because it's good to get everybody's perspective on these. A
Speaker 1: lot of people will have some issues. They'd like some advice.
Speaker 1: We all got issues, you know, we ever we do you.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how to pronounce this woman's name. M
Speaker 1: A r A M merriam, um merriam. Looking to the notes. Hey, Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm nineteen and perpetually single. I went on a trip
Speaker 1: with a ton of students from my university to a
Speaker 1: competition where I met this guy from a different school.
Speaker 1: He was sweet and funny and totally cool. I don't
Speaker 1: know what the competition was, but she elaborates that he
Speaker 1: ended up doing a performance for one of the competitions
Speaker 1: and was amazing. After everyone performed right into him and
Speaker 1: told him how well he did. I ended up getting
Speaker 1: his handles for Twitter and Instagram, so I slid into
Speaker 1: the d M s. We got to talking for a
Speaker 1: few days, and we've been talking for over a week,
Speaker 1: every single day. I kind of want to tell him
Speaker 1: that I've had a crush on him for a while,
Speaker 1: but I think that would be stupid since we've only
Speaker 1: been talking for less than two weeks. Should I wait
Speaker 1: until the one month mark to tell him? Should I
Speaker 1: not tell him at all? We live about four hours away,
Speaker 1: but we're always in each other's cities for events. I
Speaker 1: just want to know if I should tell him or not.
Speaker 1: And I want to know if he likes me, because
Speaker 1: if he doesn't, I'd rather just stop talking then getting
Speaker 1: invested and get my heartbroken. Any advice would be helpful, Marem,
Speaker 1: you just answered the question. You just answered your own questions.
Speaker 1: You said, I don't I want to know if you.
Speaker 1: I want to know if he likes me or not.
Speaker 1: Then you have to tell him that you like him
Speaker 1: and see what he responds with that you have nothing
Speaker 1: to lose, seriously, nothing to lose at all. But that's
Speaker 1: a yeah. I mean you're you're your own Uh. I
Speaker 1: can't even say, I can't even talk right now, But
Speaker 1: that happens so often with these emails. They answer it,
Speaker 1: they're in they know what they answer exactly. You're so wise,
Speaker 1: your wise, be on your your own ears, you know
Speaker 1: the answer. Yeah. I think you're just scared to tell
Speaker 1: him how you feel, which is understandable. But I think
Speaker 1: you should just be honest with how you're feeling and
Speaker 1: if he's not feeling the same way, then you can
Speaker 1: move on. So what does she doing to say I'm
Speaker 1: really I'm into you? Or does she ask him about
Speaker 1: I would say, if they're always in the same city
Speaker 1: for an event, just ask him to hang out first,
Speaker 1: one on one, I guess, and the next time they're
Speaker 1: in the same city is exactly, yeah, let's get together.
Speaker 1: She's nineteen, so don't get a drink. Maybe hease shared
Speaker 1: method is perfect for this. Yeah, I think that you
Speaker 1: definitely answered your own question there. It's pretty pretty cut
Speaker 1: and dry with that one. Just go ahead and make
Speaker 1: a move, and you know, don't wait for him to
Speaker 1: make it. I understand that sometimes girls do like the
Speaker 1: having the guy reach out first and kind of have
Speaker 1: that set up. But if you like him and you
Speaker 1: want to know if he likes you back, you need
Speaker 1: to just go out there. And it's definitely scary and
Speaker 1: intimidating in the moment, but you're gonna feel so much
Speaker 1: better after you get a response one way or the other.
Speaker 1: It's going to be like a weight off your shoulders.
Speaker 1: Absolutely right. Sean is the next one, and that's a guy.
Speaker 1: By the way, we got an email from a guy third,
Speaker 1: the third email in twenty seven episodes. By three equals nine.
Speaker 1: Let's go bottom and I have a new next door
Speaker 1: neighbor that I met while walking my dog a few
Speaker 1: weeks back. My dog seemed to like her, but we
Speaker 1: didn't talk long, just introduced each other and I told
Speaker 1: her about the puppies my dog had just had. We
Speaker 1: arranged the time for me to bring the puppies over
Speaker 1: to show her, and then they after the dinner. She
Speaker 1: said she wasn't free that day and asked her to
Speaker 1: message me later that weekend. So Easter Sunday came and
Speaker 1: a message her Happy Easter, and she responded later the
Speaker 1: same day messaged her again, saying, let's order some food
Speaker 1: and have a movie night in. I have not heard
Speaker 1: back from her. Where did I go wrong? Here's and
Speaker 1: there's a keyps here. I'm thirty nine, about to be forty,
Speaker 1: she's maybe twenty five, twenty seven. I think I know
Speaker 1: this is a good female perspective on one if a guy, sorry,
Speaker 1: so you you like, if you haven't gone on a
Speaker 1: date with her yet, I think it's a little weird
Speaker 1: to have a movie night in. The guy asked me that,
Speaker 1: I think I think you got to take her to dinner. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you definitely go out to a public place first, because
Speaker 1: I feel like, as a girl, Yeah, the guy's just
Speaker 1: coming over, or if he invites you over to his
Speaker 1: place immediately, she's just gonna think you want to hook
Speaker 1: up with her. Yeah, that's like Netflix and Chill, basically
Speaker 1: right and chills. I think it really depends on the situation,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I think Amanda is absolutely right. Maybe you
Speaker 1: just ask her to go to dinner. I also think
Speaker 1: the age difference is a flag for her, probably, and
Speaker 1: you're almost forty. If she knows that, I don't know
Speaker 1: if she does or not, but I think that's a
Speaker 1: flag for her, or maybe she really just wanted to
Speaker 1: see the puppies. Of course, who's going to pass puppies.
Speaker 1: But also, if you live right next to each other,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be really awkward if you go out and
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out so well, and it's gonna be weird. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just gonna be weird garbage. You have to just
Speaker 1: like peek out the window to make sure she's not
Speaker 1: on the front yard and you run out. It's just
Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of moving parts of one.
Speaker 1: Maybe try again and just ask her to dinner coffee.
Speaker 1: Here's what you do, Sean moved to a different apartment. Yes,
Speaker 1: change your entire life for this one potential date. Have
Speaker 1: a second litter of puppies, bring them to her at
Speaker 1: a at a mutually agreed upon location in public, and
Speaker 1: then they see where it goes. I think there no
Speaker 1: response to your text is all you need to know.
Speaker 1: I move on. Yeah, I think so too, And especially
Speaker 1: since she wasn't free that day and he asked her
Speaker 1: to message me later that weekend, so I don't know,
Speaker 1: not a good neighbor. Focus on. I think that's the
Speaker 1: best course. Denny has a question My boyfriend and I
Speaker 1: have been dating for over a year now. Things are great.
Speaker 1: He's a great boyfriend, He's there when I need him,
Speaker 1: and we connect well. We've had conversations about getting married
Speaker 1: and having kids, and he says he wants that and
Speaker 1: he can't wait. The problem is we can't see him
Speaker 1: to move forward in our relationship. He's thirty, I'm twenty seven,
Speaker 1: and we both still live at home. The conversation has
Speaker 1: been brought up a lot between his about moving in
Speaker 1: together and taking the next step. He says he's down
Speaker 1: and wants to, but I can tell it gives him anxiety.
Speaker 1: He has made any effort into looking at places, but
Speaker 1: keeps promising he will. I feel like I'm dating Peter
Speaker 1: Pan who doesn't want to grow up and have responsibilities.
Speaker 1: Am I feeling myself short? And help? I suck at
Speaker 1: dating Denny. I don't think you're selling yourself shut. I
Speaker 1: think you definitely need to test living together before you
Speaker 1: can continue to have conversations getting married and have kids though.
Speaker 1: And the thing is he is answering all the questions correctly.
Speaker 1: He is saying I do want this, I do want that,
Speaker 1: so I don't think it would be the worst thing
Speaker 1: to any if you looked at places as well and
Speaker 1: was like, let's go look at this apartment at this
Speaker 1: day together to see if this is what we want,
Speaker 1: because like he is saying yes to it now. Granted
Speaker 1: you know he's thirty or twenty seven. You both live
Speaker 1: at home, so that's obviously maybe I don't know, Maybe
Speaker 1: I don't. Yeah, certainly, like definitely, of course take the
Speaker 1: next step. You guys have been dating for a year.
Speaker 1: But I think I think, of yes, if it's giving
Speaker 1: him anxiety, but it would give anybody anxiety. It would
Speaker 1: certainly give me anxiety. If I was dating someone for
Speaker 1: you and they're like, let's move in together, I'd be like, sure,
Speaker 1: of course. But I think, of course i'd have a
Speaker 1: little anxiety about it, because you know, living together is
Speaker 1: a big statement in the relationship. That's kind of like
Speaker 1: a line right there to be like, Okay, now we're
Speaker 1: going to move in together. I'm gonna see each other
Speaker 1: all the time, and this is gonna be a very
Speaker 1: big moment in our relationships. So I don't think the
Speaker 1: anxiety part you should be that concerned about. I think
Speaker 1: more so, um, I don't think it would be the
Speaker 1: worst thing if you kind of took initiative and looking
Speaker 1: at places and being like, hey, there's a you know,
Speaker 1: an open house on Saturday, you want to go to it?
Speaker 1: And then if he keeps pushing that off, that would
Speaker 1: be a red flag for me. But he as of
Speaker 1: right now, he's saying, yeah, I want this, I want that.
Speaker 1: He's not putting as much effort as you maybe you'd like,
Speaker 1: but if you put maybe a little bit more effort,
Speaker 1: he might catch up. Push sometimes sometimes yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: I agree with what Jared's in. Okay, guys grow up
Speaker 1: kicking and screaming in a lot of cases they really
Speaker 1: don't want to get responsibilities. And I think he's also
Speaker 1: looking at this is if we move in together, we're
Speaker 1: going to get married or it's going to be very
Speaker 1: very ugly, and both of those can be very equally
Speaker 1: scary outcomes for a young single So he just needs
Speaker 1: a little bit of a push. I think this is
Speaker 1: going to be okay. Though I think it's gonna be okay. Well,
Speaker 1: moving in together is challenging too. I have friends. One
Speaker 1: of my best friends actually lived with his girlfriend for
Speaker 1: about two or three years. They had been dating for
Speaker 1: probably two years before moving in together. Um, and then
Speaker 1: they broke up and moved into separate apartments, and then
Speaker 1: after they moved out from each other, they realized that
Speaker 1: they wanted to be back together. But just living to
Speaker 1: living together put a straight on their relationship. So it's
Speaker 1: just something to be they're dating now and he still
Speaker 1: he spends five nights a week at our apartment. But
Speaker 1: there's just something to be said about having your own
Speaker 1: space that you can always retreat back to if you
Speaker 1: need it, absolutely, because the problem is with living each other,
Speaker 1: you have no personal space, like unless you go to
Speaker 1: the bathroom for like a half hour and just like
Speaker 1: scroll through your phone to be like I need like
Speaker 1: a half hour of silence by myself, and so but
Speaker 1: that is it's a big thing because like, even if
Speaker 1: you spend five nights at somebody's else's apartment, you do
Speaker 1: have those two nights where you can just kind of
Speaker 1: like decompress and be in your own bed and be
Speaker 1: in your own space and you're fine, right, But when
Speaker 1: you live with somebody, you don't have that. So, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I can totally see living together is a really big
Speaker 1: testament whether this relationship is going to work or not.
Speaker 1: I wonder what I'm going to live with my girlfriend? Well,
Speaker 1: you don't have one yet, but one thing at a time.
Speaker 1: I've just always been curious about that. I'm always like,
Speaker 1: am I ever going to live with a girlfriend? But
Speaker 1: what do you think is a good amount of time
Speaker 1: to be together before you move? In? A year? One year,
Speaker 1: maybe even less? I did so I did live with
Speaker 1: maybe three days, maybe they two and a half months.
Speaker 1: I don't know how long is a bachelor of last.
Speaker 1: I think I told this story before when when we
Speaker 1: were moving from my apartment two apartments to go to
Speaker 1: the house that we lived in before the one I'm
Speaker 1: currently at. There was like a three week period where
Speaker 1: we didn't have anywhere to live and I was still
Speaker 1: dating my former girlfriend at the time, and I basically
Speaker 1: moved in with her for those three weeks, and they
Speaker 1: were they were perfectly fine. Obviously, it was because you know,
Speaker 1: three weeks you're gonna be moving into your own place.
Speaker 1: But um, that's like the one small taste of living
Speaker 1: with a significant other that I've had in my life,
Speaker 1: and you enjoyed it. I definitely didn't hate it. I mean, again,
Speaker 1: we both had our full time jobs. We were you know,
Speaker 1: living our lives independently of each other, which I think
Speaker 1: is important as well. But it is. But when you
Speaker 1: were a twenty year old guy, twenty something the guy,
Speaker 1: A lot of times your priorities are hanging out with
Speaker 1: a guy is getting horrible food and playing video games,
Speaker 1: and a lot of that is goodbye when you move
Speaker 1: in with her, But there are so many benefits that
Speaker 1: he may not be seeing. It's gonna be so much nicer.
Speaker 1: It's gonna smell better, it's gonna be cleaner, there's gonna
Speaker 1: be better food for you. It's really a better thing.
Speaker 1: Oh man. I remember when I was dating my ex
Speaker 1: girlfriend when I was in my early twenties, and every
Speaker 1: time I'd be playing video games and she'd call, I
Speaker 1: would pick up the phone and she'd be like, Hey,
Speaker 1: what are you doing. I'm like, oh, just you know,
Speaker 1: I was reading a little bit and watch the TV
Speaker 1: as I'm like playing Madden and I don't play a
Speaker 1: lot of video games. But I remember I felt so
Speaker 1: insecure about telling her to be like, I'm playing a
Speaker 1: video game. I'm that guy. I don't know why red
Speaker 1: flag video games, Amanda. I've actually never dated a guy
Speaker 1: that like was into video games. What if you play
Speaker 1: is like I don't know, say on average like two
Speaker 1: hours a week, that would't bother me video games. I mean,
Speaker 1: I think I'd be fine with it. I like sometimes
Speaker 1: when I travel, I have like a portable little Nintendo
Speaker 1: that I take with me, and like I'll bust it
Speaker 1: out kind of just like unforgivingly. And you know, I
Speaker 1: mean I've I've had both mixed responses. Sometimes if I
Speaker 1: want an airplane, they have the TV and obviously there's
Speaker 1: movies television, and then they'll have games, and I'm like
Speaker 1: so ashamed sometimes to play the games, but I know,
Speaker 1: but it's someone fun. It's just very interactive. Erica, we
Speaker 1: need you for this one. That's from Lindsay. I'm a
Speaker 1: big fan of the podcast. I find the content very
Speaker 1: relatable and helpful. Dean, I appreciate your openness on the podcast.
Speaker 1: It's been great getting to know you a little bit more.
Speaker 1: And I think we all I think all we can
Speaker 1: do is human beings has learned from our experiences, both
Speaker 1: good and bad, and use them to grow. Isn't that nice?
Speaker 1: Your willingness to share yourself with your listeners in any
Speaker 1: capacity is inspiring. So thank you Dean, I'm ready to
Speaker 1: follow up on Erica's crush and her oral surgeon. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: two episodes ago, she friend requested him during the podcast
Speaker 1: Way to Go Girl, and I'm curious to know what happened.
Speaker 1: What happened, Erica, Well, he accepted my friend request. That's fantastic.
Speaker 1: But nothing has happened since. But I think that's fine.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, whose fault is that, Erica, it's equally
Speaker 1: his fault and my fault. Not saying you're wrong, but
Speaker 1: you're the one talking about it on a podcast right now,
Speaker 1: kind of the one that's responsible for making the move.
Speaker 1: What is Erica's next move us? I think, yeah, yeah, message?
Speaker 1: But what is it? Is it a joke? Is it
Speaker 1: a sub sale? Erica text me what did you text
Speaker 1: me the other day? That was actually really really good? No.
Speaker 1: I read that back to Mark and it was literally
Speaker 1: the worst. Remember, I want I want to hear it.
Speaker 1: I don't remember what it was. Are you looking up?
Speaker 1: Amanda will be with me on this. That like messaging
Speaker 1: him is a horrible like Okay, Amanda, so and anyone
Speaker 1: else who didn't hear this. So she went to an
Speaker 1: oral surgeon who was thirty and she's not bad, super handsome,
Speaker 1: really liked him and they had a real connection, like
Speaker 1: they were joking with each other, and every time she
Speaker 1: was there it was great. Her oral surgery process is
Speaker 1: over now, she's not going back there in any professional capacity.
Speaker 1: She wants to make a move a little bit here,
Speaker 1: so she thought a very subtle move. I think it
Speaker 1: was my idea. Yeah, she couldn't find out on any
Speaker 1: social media except Facebook, so she headed him on Facebook.
Speaker 1: Just have thrown it out there. He accepted, which is
Speaker 1: a great sign. Neither one of them has made any
Speaker 1: kind of an initiations were in like a standoff, but
Speaker 1: it's not an active stand off, the old Facebook standoff.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is like my birthday passed in the
Speaker 1: time and he could have wished me a happy birthday,
Speaker 1: and he didn't. He's probably not on there right often,
Speaker 1: but that would have been nice. I did take him
Speaker 1: almost it's taking multiple days to response. But the message
Speaker 1: that Erica texted me that jokingly, which I think she
Speaker 1: should send, is because he's a the oral surgeon, she
Speaker 1: should just say new teeth. Who it is? It's funny,
Speaker 1: It's sure, it's funny. It's going to get a rise
Speaker 1: out of him, A guarantee he got a response, and
Speaker 1: all you need is the response and then boom flowing
Speaker 1: conversation and then all of a sudden, it's coffee or drinks.
Speaker 1: It's it's such a no brainer to me. That's why
Speaker 1: I can't understand why you won't just message it to him.
Speaker 1: You literally have nothing to lose at all in the
Speaker 1: entire world. You don't even have you don't even gonna
Speaker 1: use them anymore as normal, surgeon, what you thought about
Speaker 1: that new teeth SUITI is so stupid. Okay, I think
Speaker 1: it's really funny, But I think if I were in
Speaker 1: your situation, I'd probably be asking for advice too, because
Speaker 1: I would know what to do. It's so tough. What's
Speaker 1: your advice, A Manda, how's a girl? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I want to say, message him, but like
Speaker 1: if you if you like he added you as a
Speaker 1: friend and he's seen you, he has the opportunity to
Speaker 1: message you too. Exactly was that listening to email that
Speaker 1: we talked about earlier today when she said something along
Speaker 1: the lines of I like him, I just want to
Speaker 1: know if he likes me too, and we all in
Speaker 1: Unison gasped. Instead, of course, what you have to do
Speaker 1: is tell him you like him, because you won't know
Speaker 1: if he likes you unless you tell him first. And
Speaker 1: we're using that same mindset and logic on this. I
Speaker 1: think the consensus is new teeth. Who did? It's really
Speaker 1: to say that, you guys also, I don't have new teeth.
Speaker 1: They're all my feet. Well, Lindsay has a crush at
Speaker 1: her Cairo practor that's why she's asking. For the past
Speaker 1: three years, he's had a huge crush on him. He
Speaker 1: was single, that he had a girlfriend, but she thinks
Speaker 1: he's single now and she's not sure anyway. Is it
Speaker 1: too late because it's been years? How much time has passed?
Speaker 1: And how would I go about it? I'm twenty nine,
Speaker 1: she's he's thirties. That's that's okay. It's easy find him
Speaker 1: on Facebook, say new spine who this? Yeah, exactly. Let
Speaker 1: me say this. It is never too late. Don't ever
Speaker 1: think that I've had a mindset like I've been very
Speaker 1: bad in that mindset as well. And it is not
Speaker 1: too late because if you think it's too late, you
Speaker 1: are going to always regret it. It could be like
Speaker 1: three or four years later rekindle an older romance exactly.
Speaker 1: So just go for it because it is worth a shot.
Speaker 1: Because don't be scared. Sometimes I've stuffed from the same
Speaker 1: thing where sometimes like I overthink things and it's like,
Speaker 1: is it too late? Should I even do something? Am
Speaker 1: I a jerk right now? And like I kind of
Speaker 1: like just conform and like shell up to a certain
Speaker 1: extent and just like live in this little comfort bubble.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't until like, I think you're gonna feel
Speaker 1: so much more empowered and and and better about yourself
Speaker 1: if you're just like, screw it. I'm going for it.
Speaker 1: And whenever happens happens. She says, she's more confident in
Speaker 1: who she is than she watched three years ago. So
Speaker 1: use it. It is not too late, go for it.
Speaker 1: What a great story for your kids. One day, you
Speaker 1: know everything, Well, here's my old earl surgeon, and I
Speaker 1: had a crush on him, so I added him, and
Speaker 1: then I said you were taking this, And then the
Speaker 1: next thing, you know, we've been married forever. And what's
Speaker 1: the worst that can happen? If he says, oh I'm
Speaker 1: in a relationship, I'm sorry. Oh well that's nice and
Speaker 1: then then you block him and never talk to him again.
Speaker 1: There's definitely no problem, alright. One more from Anonymous. I'll
Speaker 1: get right to it, She says. My boyfriend is not
Speaker 1: good with being affectionate or talking about his feelings. It's
Speaker 1: not that I want to hold my hand in public.
Speaker 1: It's more like when it's just us, I never get
Speaker 1: anything from him, whether it's a complimentary wow, I'm so
Speaker 1: lucky to have you or you're amazing. I'm a person
Speaker 1: who tells you how I feel when I feel it.
Speaker 1: I have a steam issues already, along with everyone else
Speaker 1: in the world. But I always thought my forever person
Speaker 1: would change or adjust, no longer need a certain something
Speaker 1: from him. This is getting back to deal breakers. He
Speaker 1: also gets really quiet when I started talking about my feelings.
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of the time I speak
Speaker 1: from an emotional standpoint while he's still in that logical state.
Speaker 1: He doesn't try to get in my shoes to view
Speaker 1: the situation through my eyes. Are these things I just
Speaker 1: have to get used to and adjust myself. I love
Speaker 1: him so much, honestly, I can't picture my life without him.
Speaker 1: But some things I need so much he lacks. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty two. He's twenty eight. It'll be two years together
Speaker 1: in May, and we live together and spent a lot
Speaker 1: of time together. Should we maybe hang out with friends
Speaker 1: over the weekends. Do we need him to miss me
Speaker 1: or think about me to change something? Any advice please share?
Speaker 1: I Love you guys amazing podcast every week. I think
Speaker 1: to two years into relationship is a lot. I guess
Speaker 1: you can kind of expect the flame to kind of
Speaker 1: get smaller throughout that amount of time. I've never been
Speaker 1: in a two year relationships, so I can't speak from experience,
Speaker 1: but we've talked about love changes over time doesn't make
Speaker 1: it worse or better. It's just, you know, it just changed.
Speaker 1: Like it's not as lustful as it once was, it's
Speaker 1: not as affectionate it does, but it sounds like he
Speaker 1: never has been terribly affect and two years you know
Speaker 1: who he is. Coming from someone who struggles in the
Speaker 1: same way that sounds like her boyfriend does and showing
Speaker 1: the affection and all that kind of stuff. I can
Speaker 1: say that it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you
Speaker 1: or like you or anything that it just is something
Speaker 1: that maybe you needed more vocal about that he needs
Speaker 1: to change and do better. But I will say, like,
Speaker 1: for me personally, I am kind of like a very
Speaker 1: uh affection is very big for me as well, because
Speaker 1: I'm a very affectionate person, and so I think if
Speaker 1: I wasn't receiving it, I would feel the same way
Speaker 1: you're feeling right now. And so you have to just
Speaker 1: kind of like keep talking to him about it because
Speaker 1: it's gonna be a very big point in your relationship,
Speaker 1: and it's obviously something that's bothering you very much, and
Speaker 1: moving forward, it's going to continue bothering you unless you
Speaker 1: guys talk about it more. And that's what relationships are.
Speaker 1: It's compromised, it's sacrifice. And so if this guy loves
Speaker 1: you as much as you might think he does, then
Speaker 1: hopefully all he has to do, I feel like for
Speaker 1: you is to say I'll work on it. I will
Speaker 1: try to get better at it. I like this question
Speaker 1: you asked at the end where you said, do I
Speaker 1: need him to miss me or think about me to
Speaker 1: change something? I think that she should make him miss her. Really,
Speaker 1: I think that would be really playing games two years reship,
Speaker 1: not even games, but just like maybe make yourself. Obviously
Speaker 1: you live with him and you've dated for two years
Speaker 1: and you're not gonna play games with your boyfriend in
Speaker 1: two years, but just like make him, Um, how do
Speaker 1: you do that without like make yourself less available in
Speaker 1: those ways? And then he'll realize how much he misses
Speaker 1: your affection and your communicative style on a daily basis.
Speaker 1: I think, Yeah, I mean I agree with that, but
Speaker 1: I think there's like a way to do it rather
Speaker 1: than like playing games and just kind of doing it
Speaker 1: making him miss you. Like I wasn't saying play games, Amanda, Well,
Speaker 1: but kind of sounds like that, right, if you're going
Speaker 1: to make him miss you. So this is my thing
Speaker 1: with I think that maybe he's gotten so used to
Speaker 1: her style of communication where he he thinks he's communicating
Speaker 1: to her through the way that she over communicates to him,
Speaker 1: and so when she scales that back a little bit,
Speaker 1: then he'll realize that there's a piece of their relationship
Speaker 1: that's missing because she's not being as vocal as she
Speaker 1: normally is, which means that he would hopefully up his communication.
Speaker 1: Well you would, you would hope that, right if if
Speaker 1: something was lacking, that he would step up to the plate.
Speaker 1: And like, that's what I'm saying to try. I mean,
Speaker 1: you don't need to. It's a matter of being busy
Speaker 1: in terms of your life socially may professionally, and so
Speaker 1: you're not as available to him. I think that's what
Speaker 1: you're saying. Man, could you put yourself in her shoes? Yeah, So,
Speaker 1: I mean I feel like I've been in a situation
Speaker 1: like that before, so I can relate. But I think
Speaker 1: what I would do is probably like communicate with him
Speaker 1: or you're feeling and say, like, you know, I feel
Speaker 1: like you don't show me enough affection and I need
Speaker 1: more of that from you. So I'm gonna give you
Speaker 1: a little bit more space. And I also think to
Speaker 1: bounce off that point, of course, that like there is
Speaker 1: something to be said about the sandwich effect. Start off
Speaker 1: with something positively like I love you. I cannot picture
Speaker 1: my life without you. I want this to work more
Speaker 1: than anything. But I don't say but no, of course,
Speaker 1: but it's the most destructive word in any relationship. Never
Speaker 1: say but well, anyway you want to what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: but but but it's I feel like it's far better
Speaker 1: to start off with something positive and to make them
Speaker 1: know that you want this to work and you want
Speaker 1: them and they're the only person you want. But of
Speaker 1: course there's things that I know I get it. Sure,
Speaker 1: I'll work on it, but for right now, but I
Speaker 1: canna get like a like a buzzer in here and
Speaker 1: every time we say here, however, uh, you know, there's
Speaker 1: just things that you know I need in a relationship
Speaker 1: as well. And one of these things is just more
Speaker 1: functioning like hopefully as a as a partner, as somebody,
Speaker 1: as a very loving, hopefully committed relationship that he will say, yeah,
Speaker 1: let's let's work on this. Like I'm not good at it,
Speaker 1: and I will do my best, And I can't promise
Speaker 1: that like overnight I'm going to become this most affectionate
Speaker 1: and wonderful boyfriend that you're imagining. But it's something that
Speaker 1: I work at you right in the middle of. But
Speaker 1: we're gonna that's gonna be a common thing. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: maybe get like a blowhorn or something every time we're
Speaker 1: going through advice and we say the word but we
Speaker 1: need to ring it an Every time I hear a
Speaker 1: blow horn, all I can think about his jersey shore
Speaker 1: the grenade wasn't um it's I guess, be honest with him.
Speaker 1: Amanda had great advice because it was the same advice
Speaker 1: that I gave. Just just give him space without telling him,
Speaker 1: tell him like, hey, this is how I feel, so
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you a little bit of space. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think that could scare him in a good way.
Speaker 1: I think in a good way and make him realize
Speaker 1: what he has in So this is the point. Maybe
Speaker 1: if we put it into numbers, so if she's eighty
Speaker 1: percent communication, he's she scales it back to sixty, then
Speaker 1: there's gonna be a twenty void that needs to be
Speaker 1: filled and you will be forced to come to that
Speaker 1: extra if he here's the issue. What if he doesn't, Well,
Speaker 1: he will. There's not even a question of what if
Speaker 1: he's going to. I mean, I like your optimism, and
Speaker 1: if he doesn't, then just continue to be the twenty
Speaker 1: that you are and communicate how much you what you
Speaker 1: need from it. But this is a guy think thinking.
Speaker 1: How many husbands and dads don't talk about feelings, the
Speaker 1: noncommunicative They just want to sit in the house and
Speaker 1: watch TV or whatever they do. You know, they're this
Speaker 1: is very common among guys to not express their feelings.
Speaker 1: And I think part of that, I mean, I don't
Speaker 1: know obviously, but I think part of that just comes
Speaker 1: from maybe once it's it's just one person is doing
Speaker 1: more than the other, and because of that, they think
Speaker 1: they can skate along without having to do as much
Speaker 1: as that other person, you know, of course, And I
Speaker 1: also think guys become very defensive and uh and so
Speaker 1: like it's all about your approach, where if you go
Speaker 1: to this guy and you're like, you don't do this,
Speaker 1: you don't do that, and then he might become defensive like, well,
Speaker 1: you don't do this for me and you know that.
Speaker 1: But I also think guys want to be providers, and
Speaker 1: so I think if you approach him and say this
Speaker 1: is what I need because I want you, but I
Speaker 1: need more of this from you, then I think he
Speaker 1: might be more willing to do it because it's providing
Speaker 1: a service to you. And I think a lot of
Speaker 1: guys want to be that man who's like, I am
Speaker 1: I'm your provider, I'm here for you, rather than you know,
Speaker 1: you approaching him being like you don't do this or
Speaker 1: you don't do that. Instead of approaching him saying you
Speaker 1: don't do this, approach, I'm saying this is what I
Speaker 1: need a question for Amanda would you be okay with
Speaker 1: um dating someone or being with someone that is more
Speaker 1: interested in being like a stay at home father than
Speaker 1: someone that's that's a good question. Um yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I don't think i'd bother me someone that want to
Speaker 1: be a stay a home down. I think it's kind
Speaker 1: of cute. Actually, Okay, yeah, that's curious. Um okay, well
Speaker 1: that'll do it for I'll do it for episode seven
Speaker 1: of Help I Suck at Dating Birthday. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for spending my birthday with me. This is great.
Speaker 1: I know we're all kind of obligated to be here.
Speaker 1: I'm not obligated to be here. I chose this, Okay. Um,
Speaker 1: big thank you to Sherry Heally and she left her
Speaker 1: email was at Sherry shari at healy dot com, Shari
Speaker 1: at shari Heally dot com, Shari at shree heally dot com.
Speaker 1: Like we said, if you have any questions for her,
Speaker 1: please feel free to reach out. She's incredible. Um. Big
Speaker 1: thank you to Jared of course Amanda for being here
Speaker 1: as well. Always nice to have a lovely female's perspective.
Speaker 1: I hope that we can make this more of a
Speaker 1: common occurrence. Um. Mark Easton hasn't been chiming in quite
Speaker 1: as much lately, but we appreciate you being here regardless.
Speaker 1: Thank you, I appreciate that, and Erica for using your
Speaker 1: teeth to tell us about the stories of your oral surgeon.
Speaker 1: I fully expect that message to be sent by What's
Speaker 1: Day Tuesday Thursday, UM, But most imporantly, thank you to
Speaker 1: the listeners. Thank you all for spending my birthday with me.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate it, and speak to shut Tune in
Speaker 1: next week for help I Suck at Dating, because apparently
Speaker 1: maybe we all might just be a little bit better.
Speaker 1: People follow help I Suck At Dating with Dean Anglert
Speaker 1: on I Heart Radio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.