WEBVTT - “I GOT DIVORCED AFTER 13 YEARS” 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.960 Hello, Hi, Hey, is this Lyle? 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:05.800 This is what is your name? Uh? 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:06.360 I'm Coco. 0:00:07.280 --> 0:00:10.840 Coco. What's up? Coco? How's life going? We're recording the 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:12.840 show right now? Is that cool? Do you want to talk? 0:00:13.920 --> 0:00:15.840 Yeah? I saw. I was hoping i'd be able to 0:00:15.840 --> 0:00:16.119 get on. 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:22.040 Actually, well, Coco, what's going on? How's life well? 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:26.040 Longtime listener, first time caller. Wait for a minute. 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:28.560 Rock and roll, rock and roll. 0:00:28.680 --> 0:00:33.720 I often joke that I'm your oldest listener because I'm 0:00:33.720 --> 0:00:37.440 almost forty. But I did hear somebody the other day 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.680 who I think was thirty nine, So that made me. 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:42.160 That made me feel atle bit better. 0:00:43.440 --> 0:00:46.000 I think it's general. I mean it's a lot of 0:00:46.400 --> 0:00:50.680 I think like eighteen to twenty five year old, but 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:53.440 there's people all over the all over the bend. I mean, shit, 0:00:53.479 --> 0:00:55.280 we had a I totally talked to some lady who 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:59.080 was like fifty something and some lady was like sixty something. 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:02.320 So I would not say you're the oldest in the bunch. 0:01:03.240 --> 0:01:06.199 Okay, makes me feel better, It makes me feel better. Well, 0:01:06.920 --> 0:01:10.679 I've gotten the pleasure of seeing you live a few times, 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:15.920 and definitely I've seen you in Dallas twice, and I 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:17.160 saw you in Orlando. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:22.680 Oh cool interest two very not connected at all cities. 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:26.000 Yeah, no, not at all. I had a little condo 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:30.440 in Florida about an hour away from Orlando, so I 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:33.320 was always kind of looking and hoping and praying that, 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:35.360 you know, you would somehow make an appearance there, so 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:37.160 I had an excuse to drive out there. 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:40.120 So well, yeah, I'm glad you came. Yeah, I was 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:44.200 just thinking about those those shows, not like those particular shows, 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:48.000 but I guess that tour and yeah it was. I 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:49.560 mean it was a good time because I feel very 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:51.360 honored to have gotten to do. 0:01:51.400 --> 0:01:51.800 Any of that. 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:56.320 But you know enough about me, Coco, you said that 0:01:56.400 --> 0:01:58.960 you are. I've been wanting to call into the show 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:01.600 for a while and if I wanted to give you 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:04.240 the chance, if is there anything particular you wanted to 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:06.560 call into the show to talk about. If not, it's cool, 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:08.040 we can just shoot the shit. 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:11.400 Yeah, for sure, for sure. So a lot of life 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:15.320 changes have happened for me since I saw you last while. 0:02:16.600 --> 0:02:22.120 So I am currently going through divorce after thirteen years 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:25.160 of being married. So for a hot minute, so I 0:02:25.200 --> 0:02:29.240 feel like I have some wisdom maybe to offer in 0:02:29.280 --> 0:02:35.640 that department. Maybe for some people. So yeah, And actually 0:02:35.680 --> 0:02:38.000 at one of your shows, at one point you had asked, 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:40.400 is there anybody in here that's been married for ten 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:43.360 years or longer? And my husband and I at the 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:46.240 time are the only ones that raised our hands. So 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:52.960 I'm here to deliver some precautionary tales maybe to some 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:54.200 people who want to listen. 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:58.600 Sure, what do you have to precaution us about? 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:03.760 Well, you know, Lyle, I feel like people are always 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.359 kind of right telling you what you need to do, 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:10.960 how you need to approach going into this, how cautious 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:13.880 you need to be, all of the questions that you 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:17.920 need to ask all of the time that you should wait. 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:21.400 But I'm definitely I'm an example of how you can 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:24.959 do all of those things and it's still not work out. 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:27.000 Hm. 0:03:27.400 --> 0:03:29.519 So I mean, I guess in short, I'm sure there's 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:31.360 a lot of reasons, and I don't know, you know, 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:32.760 what you want to talk about and what you don't 0:03:32.760 --> 0:03:36.600 want to talk about, But why did it not work 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:40.040 out after thirteen years at this point? 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:42.080 So I kind of I kind of walked around for 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:46.840 a long time carrying a lot of shame over exactly why, 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:50.680 or not really wanting to tell people what exactly happened, 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:53.520 but I kind of told like one person, and so 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:56.760 now it's just easy for me to trauma dump for 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.040 you know, with anybody who wants who wants to hear. 0:03:59.200 --> 0:04:05.360 So I married a cocaine addict, So I've been I've 0:04:05.400 --> 0:04:10.800 been dealing with that for the last four years, hoping 0:04:10.840 --> 0:04:14.680 and praying that maybe he would either you know, come 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:18.599 to his senses, maybe he would finally listen to me. 0:04:19.680 --> 0:04:25.200 Maybe someday he would just wake up and just you know, see, hey, 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:27.960 this is like not not a way to live. We 0:04:28.040 --> 0:04:34.000 as a child together, very successful in his career, making 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:38.400 six figures pretty much mostly throughout the entirety of our marriage, 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:41.160 which is which is which is awesome, which is great, 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:44.520 which is great for him, was great for our family 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:48.640 and and all of that. But you know, you can't 0:04:48.720 --> 0:04:52.800 make somebody else want that for themselves. And I mean, 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:55.159 I've I've been listening for such a long time. There 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.240 there are so many people who call in and and 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:00.960 struggle with this, either that would be know personally or 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:05.599 or with a partner like I have. And yeah, I 0:05:05.640 --> 0:05:08.440 mean you can you can lead a horse to water, 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:11.320 but you can't make him drink, right, mm hmmm hm. 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:16.440 So yeah, I think, uh, I think being married for 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:21.480 thirteen years, having you know, close to a decade of 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:27.480 really fantastic memories and awesome experiences. I mean, part of 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:30.159 the reason we had the you know, condo in Floridas, 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:34.680 because he had been very successful in his career, and 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:37.080 then the last four years of our marriage. I mean 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:42.760 it just I mean it it went downhill quick. It 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:43.599 went downhill. 0:05:44.720 --> 0:05:47.599 I assume he was not addicted to cocaine when you met. 0:05:47.440 --> 0:05:52.080 Him, not as not that I no, I don't think. So. 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:57.000 He was a frat a frat boy, so there was 0:05:57.040 --> 0:06:00.600 some red flags there lyle for sure, So for sure. 0:06:00.560 --> 0:06:04.039 How did things begin to go down? 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:11.680 So I've spent a lot of time pinpointing maybe when, when, when, 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:16.160 when it happened? When did it start? I didn't I 0:06:16.160 --> 0:06:20.960 didn't use with him or anything like that, And I'm 0:06:21.000 --> 0:06:25.479 not really sure when when the when the first time was. Again, 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:28.000 this is a this is a you know, a frat 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:30.479 kid from the suburbs, So I mean could have been 0:06:30.520 --> 0:06:34.640 at any point in time, right, But I don't want 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:39.040 to say it's a common trope, But there are definitely 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:42.359 a group of people who you know, started going to 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:46.760 doctors for legitimate pain care management and kind of got 0:06:46.760 --> 0:06:51.720 in that that loop of being on pay medication legitimately 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:55.640 but still in in that in that horrible loop. So 0:06:55.680 --> 0:07:00.479 I'm pretty sure it was after he left to that 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:04.760 world behind that he just kind of dove into the 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.719 deep end of of of coke, honestly. 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:12.320 And is that what you would say, is the main 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:16.360 issue that led to the divorce or was there kind 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:18.680 of anything else peripheral to that? 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:23.800 You know, I think that was a huge contributing factor 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:26.400 to it. I mean, I know that, you know, drug addiction, 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:29.760 you know, doesn't just stand alone. You know, it's it's 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:33.160 definitely there's there's other lots of other things that at 0:07:33.240 --> 0:07:39.680 play that that allow that to to live and thrive. Definitely, 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:42.960 he had some challenges throughout his life. Throughout his life, 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:45.880 he had a brother that that died when when they 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:49.880 were kids, and that had a major impact on their family. 0:07:51.160 --> 0:07:56.720 My my in laws are very very conservative, very wasty, 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:00.280 very let's let's brush things under the rug and let's 0:08:00.320 --> 0:08:04.200 pretend they didn't happen. So he definitely did not get 0:08:04.960 --> 0:08:08.560 the mental health care and support that he really needed 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:11.480 early on in life. And so I definitely think that 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:16.120 that was a major contributing factor to right. Just it 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:19.600 set him right up for something, for something like that. 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:28.320 And how recently did this happen? That you guys got divorced. 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:34.160 So we separated in September. I told his parents. It 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:38.240 got to a point one day I went into his 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:42.079 office here at our house. I don't know why. Something said, 0:08:42.120 --> 0:08:44.800 just go look in this briefcasete, go look in this pocket. 0:08:45.920 --> 0:08:48.160 So what in his office? Put my hand in the 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:51.880 first pocket, pulled out a handful of about seventy to 0:08:51.920 --> 0:08:58.000 eighty empty baggies of coke. Yeah, it was a lot. 0:08:58.120 --> 0:09:01.280 It wasn't like I found one. I was like, damn you, 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:03.680 I can't believe you did this. I mean that this 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:07.240 was like one instance in a long line of things, 0:09:07.240 --> 0:09:11.760 but in terms of the divorce popping off, that that 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:17.640 really what sets things off. So I found those and 0:09:17.800 --> 0:09:20.600 I just kind of freaked out. And I had caught 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:25.560 him in other ways before, never at that level, but 0:09:25.640 --> 0:09:28.000 it was at that time when I thought to myself, Okay, 0:09:28.200 --> 0:09:31.960 holy shit, like this is beyond me. I can't handle 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:35.080 this alone. There's just no way. There's no me talking 0:09:35.120 --> 0:09:37.600 to him this time. There's no me threatening him this 0:09:37.679 --> 0:09:40.840 time that in any way, shape or form is going 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:46.200 to be appropriate for handling something this big. So that 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:51.480 was in May of last year, and so I call 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:54.079 his parents, which again, you know, there are people who 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.040 you know, don't don't really think that there's any problems, 0:09:57.120 --> 0:09:59.240 and if there are, we're gonna we're gonna cover them 0:09:59.240 --> 0:10:04.240 on up. So I called his mom and tears, saying, look, 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:08.079 there's this problem, and there's this big problem, and it's 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:10.839 out of my control. I can't handle it anymore. I 0:10:11.320 --> 0:10:13.400 quite frankly, I don't know what to do. You know, 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:17.120 I'm embarrassed. I'm mortified that I'm coming to you telling 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:20.439 you about, you know, your son and this problem. But 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:23.719 there was definitely a huge weight lifted off my shoulders 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:27.160 because she immediately said to me, like, this makes so 0:10:27.280 --> 0:10:31.319 much sense with everything we've seen with him sleeping till 0:10:31.600 --> 0:10:34.240 ten eleven noon, and you know again we have we 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:39.520 have a child together. Yeah, yeah, we're trying to maintain 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:43.680 a life, a family and all all this other you know, 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:46.080 all all all the other stuff that goes along with that. 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:50.640 So that was in May and last year, and I 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:55.199 mean basically it was us staging interventions time and time 0:10:55.400 --> 0:10:59.719 and time again for him just to say no, or 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:02.560 say I'll go and see a therapist, not i'll go 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:06.520 to treatment, not I'll go and do impatient or output. 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:09.880 And he would never agree to anything like that. He 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:13.520 would only ever settle for going to see a therapist 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:16.960 once a week. Who who told me at one point 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:20.079 and she lost all credibility to me when she said that, well, 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:24.640 I think weeds just as bad as coke. So and 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:26.720 I was like, you know, I really am not trusting 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:32.040 any of the choices he's making right now. But I wasn't. 0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:36.560 I definitely wasn't confident in him, in him wanting or 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:40.760 maintaining sobriety on his on his own, I was pretty clear. 0:11:41.640 --> 0:11:45.360 But so it was just me and his parents time 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:48.480 and time again. I spent time with his parents coming 0:11:48.559 --> 0:11:52.160 up with lists of different rehabs and pros and cons 0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:55.360 and you know, just kind of a game plan and 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:57.440 a game plan for our family and our life and 0:11:57.440 --> 0:12:02.120 our finances because between you know, that time and basically 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:05.120 the time that we split up, I mean, any money 0:12:05.120 --> 0:12:09.840 that we had just gone. He took out a one 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:12.600 hundred thousand dollars loan from his parents, which I didn't 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:16.679 know about, which again big privilege. Totally understand that that's 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:19.280 a huge deal. And I mean, my family could could 0:12:19.320 --> 0:12:22.520 never do that for me, and shouldn't. No, I mean, 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:25.160 really they were just enabling him at the end of 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:29.160 the day, I mean clearly. But I mean by this time, 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:31.200 I mean, he had not only just put our family 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:34.560 in danger, but we were just you know, close to 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:40.440 financial ruin at that point, and it was it was 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:47.800 an everyday thing, was I was learning. So we're basically 0:12:47.840 --> 0:12:50.920 through the divorce process right now. We're waiting for the 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:56.520 divorce decree to be signed off on. But September fourth 0:12:57.080 --> 0:13:00.880 of this year will mark a year, and I gave 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:04.120 him the ultimatum. Actually all of us did either either 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:09.920 leave or go get help, and he refused to go 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:16.120 get help. So he ended up we have the condo 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:20.280 in Florida, so he ended up taking off to go 0:13:20.400 --> 0:13:23.479 live there, and he was there for about three months. 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:26.720 Don't really know what he was doing. I mean I 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:29.640 can only imagine. I mean, shit, as Cox you know, 0:13:30.000 --> 0:13:31.880 not hard to get in Texas, It's sure as hell 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:36.160 not hard to get in Florida. So he spent three 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:40.560 months out there doing god knows what while I stayed 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:43.800 here with our with our kid and did everything and 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:47.960 paid for everything, and you know, all of the soccer 0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:51.719 mom things and football mom things and the lunches and 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:56.480 me nat agting a new a new career and all 0:13:56.520 --> 0:14:00.120 of that, while he just took off and did god 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:00.719 knows what. 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:10.480 M hm, how old is your kid? He's thirteen thirteen, Okay, 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:12.160 so he's not. This is not like a little kid 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:15.600 who doesn't know what's going on. This is like a yeah, 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:19.440 oh yeah, man, so what so dude? I mean, like, 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.200 so he just goes off for three months and he 0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:24.640 has no contact with with your son. 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:31.640 He had minimal contact with him, but but definitely nothing meaningful, 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:35.640 and you know, just ceased to be, you know, a 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:38.880 fixture in his everyday life like the key had known 0:14:39.240 --> 0:14:43.920 right for for all of his thirteen years. And and 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:46.920 our son is our only, our only child, and he's 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:49.920 incredibly bright. I've just you know, only have one. So 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:53.200 I've just funk everything into him, for better or for worse. 0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:56.560 And I mean in some ways he handled it more 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:59.400 maturely than I did, which was which is just incredible. 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:04.960 But point before before his dad took off, I took 0:15:05.040 --> 0:15:07.600 him on a walk and I said, hey, I think 0:15:07.640 --> 0:15:10.160 it was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done, 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:12.440 if not the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:15.240 And I had to tell him, Hey, like, you know, 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:17.600 you're noticing, I don't know, you notice your dad is 0:15:17.640 --> 0:15:21.240 sleeping until this this time, and you notice that he's irritable, 0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:25.400 and you're noticing this, and and there's a reason, and that's, honey, 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:28.400 because that's that's because you know your dad is on 0:15:28.520 --> 0:15:34.600 drugs and totally mortifying, totally, I mean, just all of 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:36.880 the things, even though of course, I mean I know, 0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:39.400 I know now and I knew then that it's not 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:43.880 my fault. There's nothing that I'm doing wrong, but you know, 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:46.960 just having to admit that to your kid, and of course, 0:15:47.000 --> 0:15:52.640 I mean, his his natural first first a question was 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:56.560 you know, what is it? And I just didn't want 0:15:56.600 --> 0:15:58.920 to tell him. And I didn't necessarily think that that 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:04.840 was completely relevant that he needed to know. I know that, 0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:07.560 you know, if I were in his situation, I would 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:10.680 be of course just you know, completely curious about everything. 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:14.000 But I just, you know, I didn't I think that 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:15.800 at that time. I just thought he needs to know 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:18.720 the facts, and I don't you know, need to tell 0:16:18.800 --> 0:16:23.000 him that his dads are raging Koquead, this is this 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:25.680 is not the time yet, This is not the time yet. 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:30.760 So he he knew that things were going on, and 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:33.680 he knew things between his dad and I were not 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:36.760 in a good place because, you know, we were fighting, 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.400 we were arguing. You know, I would love to say 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:41.920 that we were a couple where we never fought in 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.880 front of our child. Now that's just absolutely not not true. 0:16:45.120 --> 0:16:48.040 You know, it got so bad that we would bleed, 0:16:48.800 --> 0:16:52.440 you know, into just anything that we were doing, you know, 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:55.600 because it was just this this dark cloud that hung 0:16:55.640 --> 0:17:00.840 over us for for just so long. And so he 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:03.600 didn't know for a while what what his dad had 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:06.400 been doing. But his dad took it upon himself to 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:12.159 tell our son that that that that his dad was 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:15.040 dealing with with a cocaine cocaine problem. 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:20.399 So you told your son before your husband decided he 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:25.720 wanted to tell him right right? And then how did 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:29.520 what was it? What was the distance between that? Like 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:31.840 was there a period of time where like you wanted 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:36.000 him to just tell your son directly and he wouldn't, 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:38.400 or like, how how did that kind of play out? 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:40.159 You know? 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:43.600 I just I never to me, I guess it wasn't 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:46.919 so much about what it was. I didn't feel like 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:49.840 that that was like super relevant, you know. I didn't 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:51.679 think he needed to know that his dad had a 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:56.640 coke problem versus cane told problem versus whatever kind of problem. 0:17:56.720 --> 0:17:58.880 I just felt like it wasn't Oh sure. 0:17:59.359 --> 0:18:01.840 No, no, I guess I don't. I don't mean, yeah, 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:03.919 I know, I don't mean like what it was. But 0:18:03.960 --> 0:18:07.159 I guess it's like, uh, telling you son that he 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:08.960 had some kind of drug problem. 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:13.440 Oh oh, so I mean that was I mean that 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:19.240 I I spearheaded that if that's kind of what you're asking, Uh, 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.959 he he had, Yeah. I mean, my my ex husband 0:18:22.960 --> 0:18:25.600 had had no idea that I was going to tell him. 0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:28.119 And to be honest, I'm not even quite sure if 0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:32.480 he knew when I did, because at the time he 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:35.280 was still living here, you know, we were still holding out 0:18:35.320 --> 0:18:38.879 hope where we were still you know, somehow thinking that 0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:42.320 you know, the next intervention, he's he's gonna he's gonna 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:45.119 do it this time. And and you know this is somebody, 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:48.639 you know again who has all these resources at his disposal. 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:51.000 You know, the people deal with this stuff all the time, 0:18:51.440 --> 0:18:53.440 and they don't have means to go to rehab. They 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.760 don't have means to go kick off to you know, 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:58.440 fucking Florida condo or whatever bullshit. 0:18:58.680 --> 0:18:58.919 You know. 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:01.720 So you know, I guess just in my my heart 0:19:01.760 --> 0:19:04.560 of hearts is just hoping, you know, eventually he was 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:07.520 going to say yes, I don't really My only goal 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:11.520 I think was telling our son was just somehow, you know, 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:17.280 giving him some idea that like, what you're seeing, you know, 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:21.760 isn't normal and it's a result of something like this, 0:19:22.280 --> 0:19:25.159 you know, it's a result of drugs. And again, my 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:28.359 our son is very mature, and and you know, other 0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:30.760 than him saying like what is it, his next his 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:34.359 next response which it still always blows me away in 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:37.240 saying like, well, you know, he must be really struggling 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:40.399 a lot if he feels like he has to do that. 0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:45.400 She's like who, Like, holy shit, I'm like she gets it. 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:49.560 And so I definitely feel like telling him was was 0:19:49.600 --> 0:19:51.760 the right was the right thing to do. But I 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:54.520 also had a feeling like, you know, some shit's about 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:57.560 to go down, and I don't want to completely just 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:01.960 blindside our child and make him, you know, I don't 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:04.800 want to give him this false sense that things are great, 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:07.760 and you know, he's hearing this arguing and he's seeing 0:20:07.760 --> 0:20:11.560 his dad sleep and not work and all this stuff. 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:14.000 I mean, I think the writing was on the wall 0:20:14.119 --> 0:20:17.239 for sure, but I definitely think that it was it 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:19.920 was the right thing to do to, you know, give 0:20:20.000 --> 0:20:24.720 him a heads up in hopes of giving him some clarity. Right, 0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:30.240 so he knew he knew about it. And again this 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:32.439 is like from a period of like from May to 0:20:32.520 --> 0:20:37.480 September of last year. So I finally tell him after 0:20:37.600 --> 0:20:41.040 finding those you know, seventy eighty bags of coke or whatever, 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:44.359 and going back and forth with his parents just begging 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:48.320 him to go get help, and you know, still staying 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:52.680 all the fine, nothing has changed, you know, Like I 0:20:52.760 --> 0:20:55.280 knew it was bad when the only time that we 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:58.640 could get along was when he was high. I mean, 0:20:58.840 --> 0:21:01.080 the only time I would ever want to approach him 0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:04.360 about anything or ask him to do something was when 0:21:04.400 --> 0:21:07.359 he was high, because that was the only time that 0:21:07.480 --> 0:21:10.760 you know, he was kind, that he was agreeable, that 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:14.159 he would listen, you know. So it was this this 0:21:14.320 --> 0:21:19.440 really you know, sick cycle of you know, but of 0:21:19.640 --> 0:21:22.080 just but then also just noticing he's just going further 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:25.200 and further off the defence. It's it's just it's getting 0:21:25.200 --> 0:21:29.679 worse and worse. And so one day he would have 0:21:29.800 --> 0:21:32.600 always fall asleep. Obviously he would sleep to like eleven 0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:34.679 and twelve all that kind of stuff, which again no 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:36.919 judgment that, you know, we got a kid in a 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:40.160 house and all that kind of crap, you know, And 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:43.919 he fell asleep with his phone open. And I'm not 0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:46.800 a woman that's going to go through somebody's phone. I 0:21:46.920 --> 0:21:49.399 don't we do on each other's passwords. I just I 0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:51.960 don't think that's any way to live. But I knew 0:21:52.080 --> 0:21:54.720 the app that he had been messaging with his dealer 0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:59.120 on and just being a dumb ass, you know, leaves 0:21:59.160 --> 0:22:03.119 it on his Homeskoe Green doesn't leave it password protected, 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:05.240 which for some reason, I don't know why that bugged me. 0:22:05.320 --> 0:22:07.480 I guess it was just because it was like so flippant. 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:09.639 It was just all like I don't care, you know, 0:22:09.680 --> 0:22:12.080 I'm not even try to it was you from any 0:22:12.119 --> 0:22:12.320 of this. 0:22:12.880 --> 0:22:15.000 Yeah, yeah, I could see why I would piss you off. 0:22:15.840 --> 0:22:18.399 Mm hmmm hmm, Like come on, man, like you know, 0:22:18.640 --> 0:22:21.359 to do something, try to hide something. So for some 0:22:21.400 --> 0:22:24.040 reason my friends laugh about that, but that was for 0:22:24.080 --> 0:22:27.480 some reason, that was really a really sore. 0:22:27.320 --> 0:22:27.960 Spot for me. 0:22:28.840 --> 0:22:32.399 But I finally, I finally get in there, and I 0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:36.000 see the messages to and from his dealer, and it's wile, 0:22:36.080 --> 0:22:41.000 it's every single day, It's every day, it's every night, 0:22:41.280 --> 0:22:44.720 you know, like I'm an aw comedian convenience store, grab 0:22:44.840 --> 0:22:47.880 you know, a pack of cigarettes, or I'm gonna whatever, 0:22:48.119 --> 0:22:50.359 run the store or whatever it was. It was. It 0:22:50.440 --> 0:22:53.520 was because he was meeting his dealer, and it had 0:22:53.640 --> 0:22:56.760 it had ramped up, but it was it wasn't even 0:22:57.040 --> 0:22:59.280 further than that. I found out that he was having 0:22:59.359 --> 0:23:03.960 drugs drug off when we were at home, and you know, 0:23:04.000 --> 0:23:06.199 the guy would roll through the alley, put it in 0:23:06.200 --> 0:23:09.120 the trash, can't put it in the mailbox, hide it wherever. 0:23:10.800 --> 0:23:13.080 And I mean, this is again when me and our 0:23:13.359 --> 0:23:16.639 you know, our twelve year old son are you know, 0:23:16.760 --> 0:23:20.080 at home doing homework, you know, just picked him up 0:23:20.119 --> 0:23:24.080 from school or you know whatever, you know, normal type 0:23:24.119 --> 0:23:26.040 of thing we're trying to do, and you know, we've 0:23:26.040 --> 0:23:29.560 got some drug dealer rolling by the house and dropping 0:23:29.600 --> 0:23:33.160 off drugs while we're there. So of course, of course 0:23:33.200 --> 0:23:37.359 that was super concerning but then I think also the 0:23:38.800 --> 0:23:41.359 final the straw that broke the camel's back for me 0:23:41.440 --> 0:23:44.879