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Speaker 1: We only obsess over people who aren't fully available to us.

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Speaker 1: The obsession can be mistaken for a spark, where there's

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Speaker 1: something we're projecting onto someone that is so full on

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Speaker 1: it feels like an obsession.

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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host,

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Speaker 2: Jay Shetty, and I'm so excited to introduce you to

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Speaker 2: someone that I'm a huge fan of.

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Speaker 3: I've been following her.

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Speaker 2: For a couple of years now, loving all of her content,

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Speaker 2: engage with it regularly and consistently. And then when I

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Speaker 2: was on tour this year, I actually had the opportunity

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Speaker 2: to meet her, and now we finally have her in

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Speaker 2: the On Purpose studio. I'm speaking about Quinlan Walfa, a

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Speaker 2: writer and relationship coach transforming the way millions of people

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Speaker 2: think about love. Quinlan's viral videos on dating, self trust,

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Speaker 2: and connection have reached millions of people worldwide. If you

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Speaker 2: don't follow her already, make sure you do after this conversation.

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Speaker 2: Quinlan is helping people break unhealthy patterns, build deeper connections,

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Speaker 2: and create relationships that feel safe, intentional, and fulfilling. Please

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Speaker 2: welcome to On Purpose, Quinlan Walther Or q Q. I'm

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Speaker 2: so glad to have you.

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Speaker 1: Here, Jay, It's so good to see you. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for having me.

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Speaker 2: Of course, I am so excited to dive in. I

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Speaker 2: have so many things to talk to you about. I

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Speaker 2: know our audience is going to absolutely love this conversation

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Speaker 2: because they're constantly trying to figure out love and relationships

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Speaker 2: and dating. I feel like that's on we all exactly.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it's the need of the hour, which

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Speaker 2: is such a beautiful thing as well. And the first

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Speaker 2: question I wanted to ask you is what's the difference

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Speaker 2: between wanting a relationship and being ready for a relationship.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorite ways to frame this, which I

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Speaker 1: think we cannot really too, is you shouldn't go grocery

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Speaker 1: shopping when you're starving. We don't tend to make the

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Speaker 1: best choices. We grab the first thing we see. We

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Speaker 1: grab all the things that we want that look exciting, right, ooh,

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Speaker 1: that'll taste so good. I want this, I want that,

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Speaker 1: not necessarily what we need, and that, in my opinion,

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Speaker 1: applies to dating and relationships as well. When you go

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Speaker 1: out into the world, you start dating, you're looking for

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Speaker 1: a relationship. You want to have a pretty solid understanding

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Speaker 1: of what it is that you're looking for. You want

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Speaker 1: to have a pretty solid understanding of how you love yourself,

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Speaker 1: how you show up for yourself, of the life you

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Speaker 1: want to create for yourself, the relationship that would be

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Speaker 1: an added bonus to that life that you want to create.

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Speaker 1: Rather than feel like you're trying to fill a void,

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Speaker 1: you end up seeking connections from a place of desperation

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Speaker 1: that can't be fulfilling because it's essentially pouring into a

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Speaker 1: bottomless pit of a trying to fill this bottomless void. So,

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Speaker 1: in my opinion, asking yourself those questions first, really spending

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Speaker 1: time understanding who you are, what you want, how you

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Speaker 1: can love yourself, how you can support yourself, how you

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Speaker 1: can commit to building a life you like, and the

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Speaker 1: relationship that could be a bonus. I also want to

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Speaker 1: add the caveat that it's not as if you have

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Speaker 1: to go hide away, do all of those things and

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Speaker 1: then come out and find the relationship. It can happen

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Speaker 1: at pretty much the same time with the focus being

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Speaker 1: on understanding all the things I just said, who you are,

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Speaker 1: what you want, et cetera, and not go looking for

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Speaker 1: love when you are metaphorically starving.

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Speaker 3: I love that truth.

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Speaker 2: Bum that's that's huge already, the idea that we're constantly

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Speaker 2: looking for love when we're starving, rather than being really

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Speaker 2: really clear and being in a healthy sense of hunger,

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Speaker 2: Like you have an appetite, but you're not starving, because

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Speaker 2: we all know that when you're starving, you're so spawn.

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Speaker 2: I think about all I was. I was literally going

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Speaker 2: through all the bad decisions I've made at.

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Speaker 1: The grocery store, what.

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Speaker 2: I eat when I'm starving. I will pull up at

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Speaker 2: a gas station, I will buy two bags of chips.

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Speaker 3: Yep. Yeah, totally like everything that.

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Speaker 2: You don't want to be having, and then on the

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Speaker 2: way home, you're regretting it.

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Speaker 1: And you love it while you're eating it the best

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Speaker 1: while it's there, and it's, oh, this is everything that

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Speaker 1: I wanted. And then ten minutes later, you're probably hungry again.

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Speaker 1: You're probably crashed out from the sugar high, you need

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Speaker 1: a nap, and you feel even more exhausted and still

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Speaker 1: hungry after you're done. I feel like that just directly

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Speaker 1: applies to the kind of relationships, the kind of connections

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Speaker 1: that we choose when we're acting from that place of starvation, desperation, emptiness.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and the hard part about that is that it's

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Speaker 2: so real today to feel that way, to feel lonely,

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Speaker 2: to feel desperate, to feel not chosen. What do we

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Speaker 2: do with all those emotions then, because we're used to

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Speaker 2: running for the quick solve, because those emotions are so

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Speaker 2: heavy and hard to sit in. What do you do

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Speaker 2: with all those emotions when you're not getting to just

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Speaker 2: curb your craving by getting some fast food or fast love.

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Speaker 1: Build self trust. Self trust is imperative for liking who

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Speaker 1: you are, understanding who you are, making decisions that align

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Speaker 1: with who you really want to be, and of course

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Speaker 1: that pays off in our relationships. There are four s's

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Speaker 1: when it comes to self trust, in my opinion. First

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Speaker 1: one is curiosity. Are you curious about who you are,

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Speaker 1: why you do what you do, the feelings that you feel,

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Speaker 1: your motives and intentions behind the decisions that you make.

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Speaker 1: What you want out of life? Is there curiosity? You

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Speaker 1: can't trust yourself if you don't know yourself, and from

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Speaker 1: curiosity can come comprehension, So it's really important that you

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Speaker 1: lead with curiosity. The second one is capacity, So that's

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Speaker 1: emotional flexibility, emotional stability. Like you just asked, what do

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Speaker 1: we do with these big emotions, you build the capacity

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Speaker 1: to stay anchored in who you are even when you

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Speaker 1: feel really sad, even when you feel really helpless or

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Speaker 1: hopeless or overwhelmed, angry, frustrated. Can you find an anchor

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Speaker 1: in yourself that you can support yourself through all of

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Speaker 1: those emotions. That's capacity. The third one is compassion, having

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Speaker 1: humanity for who you are. Having an understanding that you

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Speaker 1: are a flawed human who makes some poor decisions sometimes

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Speaker 1: right and being able to meet yourself with a softness,

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Speaker 1: with a warmth is imperative, like it absolutely paramount. And

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Speaker 1: we're talking a lot about relationships here today. If you

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Speaker 1: aren't compassionate with yourself, you'll be far less likely to

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Speaker 1: be compassionate with the people around you and your significant

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Speaker 1: other and such. The changes we want to make don't

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Speaker 1: typically happen from a place of rigidity, blame, shame, judgment.

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Speaker 1: They happen from a place of compassion and support and love.

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Speaker 1: And then, finally, the fourth one is commitment. The fourth

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Speaker 1: sea is commitment, your commitment, your devotion to being who

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Speaker 1: you want to be, making decisions that really align with that,

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Speaker 1: and building a life that feels so fulfilling so good

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Speaker 1: from within. There's no way around it. You can have

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Speaker 1: the first three. If you don't have the commitment to

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Speaker 1: bring who you want to be, to fruition to building

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Speaker 1: that life, things go astray. So you need that fourth

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Speaker 1: one as well.

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Speaker 2: I like the forces, thank yeah, And they feel like

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Speaker 2: they take a lot of time. I can't imagine doing

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Speaker 2: that in a month or three months. And like you said,

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Speaker 2: I think I think our idea around doing work before dating,

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Speaker 2: and you alluded to this in a healthy sense, we

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Speaker 2: kind of at one point started to believe we had

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Speaker 2: to be complete before we met someone. And as someone

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Speaker 2: I've been married now for nine years and with my

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Speaker 2: wife for twelve, I thought I knew how I was

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Speaker 2: when we met and that was a good foundation. But

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Speaker 2: I have discovered so much more about myself and grown

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Speaker 2: so much more in the last twelve years than what

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Speaker 2: I thought. And so this idea that we have to

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Speaker 2: be fully formed, fully complete, fully perfect before we meet

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Speaker 2: someone doesn't really add up.

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Speaker 1: Uh A. I would even say any relationship will change

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Speaker 1: you some for the better. Somethn't any change happening in

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Speaker 1: the relationship, you probably aren't actually showing up to it.

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Speaker 1: And more to your point when you enter a healthy, safe,

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Speaker 1: loving relationship, it's going to reflect back to you the

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Speaker 1: parts of you that you haven't yet seen worked on,

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Speaker 1: grown through, grown out of, grown around. But I believe

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Speaker 1: you have to be able to discern what is versus

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Speaker 1: what is judgment or a lack of acceptance or an

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Speaker 1: opportunity for growth anyway, because Roddy could come to you

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Speaker 1: and say, Jay, I'm really noticing that you haven't been

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Speaker 1: present with me and I miss you. You know, I

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Speaker 1: want more time with you. If you don't have the

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Speaker 1: awareness that that's probably coming from a place of love,

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Speaker 1: from a desire to improve your relationship. If you don't

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Speaker 1: have a growth mindset, you'll get defensive, you'll snap back,

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Speaker 1: you won't listen, and you'll drive a wedge even further

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Speaker 1: between the two of you. So I think you need

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Speaker 1: to practice some of those fources so that you have

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Speaker 1: the awareness of what growth feels like, what it's like

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Speaker 1: to meet yourself, so that when you're in a relationship

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Speaker 1: that is asking you to grow more, there's already a

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Speaker 1: familiarity there. I do think that's important.

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Speaker 3: It's so important.

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Speaker 2: But what's so interesting about your saying what you're saying

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Speaker 2: and I'm so glad you've gone in that direction. Is

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Speaker 2: you're saying, relationships take growth and out almost for growth,

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Speaker 2: but we don't get into them wanting that. We get

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Speaker 2: into them wanting pleasure or joy or relief or companionship.

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Speaker 2: And what you just said is, well, no, it's about growth.

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Speaker 2: Talk to me about that difference between our expectation and

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Speaker 2: why you think relationships are actually about growth.

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Speaker 1: As you grow, as you know yourself, like yourself, all

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Speaker 1: the things we talked about, you don't need as much

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Speaker 1: from the relationship itself. You aren't expecting the person that

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Speaker 1: you're with to be a validation machine to meet you

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Speaker 1: in every way, in every moment, all the time, so

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Speaker 1: perfectly you can show up and actually allow the other

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Speaker 1: person to meet you in this almost third entity, there's you,

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Speaker 1: the other person, and then the relationship that you create together,

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Speaker 1: and that means I get to bring my insecurities, you

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Speaker 1: get to bring your insecurities. I get to bring my

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Speaker 1: good stuff, you your goods, right, and we meet each

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Speaker 1: other there. And it's the point of a relationship is

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Speaker 1: just to relate to another person, right, to walk alongside them,

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Speaker 1: to be a source of love, encouragement, enthusiasm and to

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Speaker 1: grow individually in your own right. But I agree with

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Speaker 1: you that I think one of the biggest problems today

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Speaker 1: with people or for people who haven't really taken the

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Speaker 1: time to try and meet themselves, it is what can

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Speaker 1: I get? What can I get? I'm not getting enough.

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Speaker 1: I need to get more. This isn't what I wanted,

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Speaker 1: with very little consideration for the other person in this

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Speaker 1: third entity that is the relationship.

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Speaker 2: It's something that I'm really grappling with as we're talking

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Speaker 2: about it to try and help people shift their perspective,

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Speaker 2: because we're not saying that it's growth that is growth

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Speaker 2: that you that brings you pain or stress, or we're

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Speaker 2: saying it's growth that inspires you to become better and

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Speaker 2: be better. And it may take you a second to

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Speaker 2: make it in seaspiring for each other. So in the

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Speaker 2: start it may rub you. So for example, as you said,

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Speaker 2: when Rady comes up to me at the beginning and says, hey,

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Speaker 2: I need you to do this or that my ego

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Speaker 2: is quite high, and I go, well, why don't you

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Speaker 2: do it for yourself? And then it drives a wedge

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Speaker 2: between us, and then over time you respect and love

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Speaker 2: so much about this person that you start to go, well,

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Speaker 2: wait a minute, maybe they're saying it from the right place.

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Speaker 2: Now I've grown to have the ability to recognize that

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Speaker 2: everything she says is from a place of love, and

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Speaker 2: now maybe I'll be able to receive it. And the

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Speaker 2: third time she says it, I'm almost noticing I've been

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Speaker 2: not present.

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Speaker 3: Myself, and I can say, hey, I haven't.

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Speaker 2: Been present, and now we're not trying to live in

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Speaker 2: a world where I am always fully present, because that's

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Speaker 2: never going to happen. That's not realistic. But it goes

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Speaker 2: from her saying it and me being triggered to her

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Speaker 2: saying it and me being aware, and then me noticing

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Speaker 2: it even before she says it, so that I'm actually

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Speaker 2: able to explain why I may not be present. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: I'll say to rather, Hey, you know what, the next

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Speaker 2: week's really.

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Speaker 3: Intense for me.

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Speaker 2: I think I'm just going to be a bit less

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Speaker 2: around because I've got some things to focus on and

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Speaker 2: I just want you to know it's got nothing to

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Speaker 2: do with you, or I've just got a lot on

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Speaker 2: right now. And I find that that's really helpful for

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Speaker 2: a relationship.

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Speaker 1: And that's emotional safety. Choosing a partner and building a

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Speaker 1: relationship that is based in trust, emotional safety, your ability

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Speaker 1: to see here Roddy's take, and trust that she's coming

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Speaker 1: from a loving place, not from a critical place, not

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Speaker 1: from a defensive place. That requires emotional stability, that requires

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Speaker 1: emotional safety. So when you choose a partner, look at

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Speaker 1: this in early dating is what is the character of

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Speaker 1: the person that you're seeing. How do they treat their friends,

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Speaker 1: how do they treat their family? Are they a person

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Speaker 1: of integrity? Are they typically kind and well intentioned? Because

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Speaker 1: that's going to bloom into a relationship with that same character.

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Speaker 1: Right where someone gives you feedback, This person that you're

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Speaker 1: building a relationship with, gives you feedback. Can you trust

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Speaker 1: that they're well intentioned in their feedback, that what they're

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Speaker 1: asking for or what they're reflecting back to you is

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Speaker 1: for the greater good of your connection, right or of

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Speaker 1: simply a request to love them better, to love them

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Speaker 1: in the way that they want to be loved. And

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Speaker 1: assuming you want to be a person who does that,

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Speaker 1: assuming you want to be a person who participates in

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Speaker 1: the emotional safety and the stability, then you're able to

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Speaker 1: hear that underneath the request or the feedback, et cetera,

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Speaker 1: rather than get defensive. But it requires trust and it

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Speaker 1: requires emotional safety.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, And how do you know the difference between

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Speaker 2: someone's request being inherently good versus unreasonable? Because I imagine

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Speaker 2: when people are dating, they may hear quite often, Hey,

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Speaker 2: I don't think you're present, or you missed my friend's birthday,

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Speaker 2: or you miss this, you miss that, and you almost

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Speaker 2: feel like they're not hearing you. How do you make

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Speaker 2: sense or decipher between someone's feedback being inherently good and

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Speaker 2: for the relationship versus just being an unreasonable request.

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Speaker 1: If there's too much black and white thinking. If someone

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Speaker 1: comes to you and says, you skipped my friend's birthday,

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Speaker 1: you didn't remember that important meeting that I had last week,

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Speaker 1: and you forgot to take out the trash, you must

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Speaker 1: not love me, you don't care about this relationship, and

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Speaker 1: I won't stand for it. I won't have it. That's unreasonable,

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Speaker 1: that's ego speaking, that's an insecurity. That's not kind, that's

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Speaker 1: not a loving way to communicate or to think. If

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Speaker 1: someone can come to you and hold the nuance, there

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Speaker 1: can see the color. Hey, you've been really stressed, right,

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Speaker 1: you had a really busy week. You forgot about my meeting,

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Speaker 1: you missed my friend's birthday, you forgot to do that,

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Speaker 1: You forgot to take out the trash like you said

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Speaker 1: that you would. I know you've been busy. Can I

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Speaker 1: help support you in some way? And is there any

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Speaker 1: way that you can make the event next week with

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Speaker 1: me be really important?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 1: So it's being able to hold Hey, this hurts.

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Speaker 3: Hey.

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Speaker 1: I see where you're coming from. You're a human with

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Speaker 1: finite capacity and I don't expect you to be a

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Speaker 1: superhero here, and the relationship is important, right, There's so

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Speaker 1: much color in there. So I think the straightforward answer

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Speaker 1: to your question is if it's black and white, if

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Speaker 1: it's demanding, and if it really only considers one perspective,

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Speaker 1: one side, then you might want to consider a different approach.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's really great awareness for ourselves as well,

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Speaker 2: because we don't want everyone else to communicate with us

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Speaker 2: in an emotionally intelligent way. But then when it comes

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Speaker 2: to us sharing our needs, and it's so interesting when

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Speaker 2: you were saying that, it resonates so deeply. It makes

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Speaker 2: so much sense, And then I go, where do people

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Speaker 2: even learn all of this?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 2: Like, we're doing this podcast so that people can learn

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Speaker 2: and grow. But I'm listening to you going, I don't

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Speaker 2: know anyone who naturally communicates that way because they didn't

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Speaker 2: see that in their home. They didn't have that through

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Speaker 2: friends or family. They didn't have any training, of course.

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Speaker 2: And so we all do the other thing, which is

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Speaker 2: you always choose yourself. You never show up for me,

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Speaker 2: you don't love me. We all do that version. And

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Speaker 2: so sometimes you're in a relationship with someone and you

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Speaker 2: see that, but then you're like, but.

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Speaker 3: I've been with everyone else and they you know, they're

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Speaker 3: worse than you. So I guess this is it.

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Speaker 1: You hear all the time. Love is consideration, right, Love

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Speaker 1: is an action. Love is consideration, yes, but not consideration

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Speaker 1: beyond someone's capacity. Right. People can only meet you as

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Speaker 1: deeply as they've met themselves. They can only meet you

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Speaker 1: given whatever whatever emotional resources they have available to them

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Speaker 1: at any given time. And where we get stuck is

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Speaker 1: expecting someone to anticipate and meet our needs all the time, uncommunicated,

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Speaker 1: and then there's this devastating disappointment when they don't, when

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Speaker 1: they don't show up the way that we want them to.

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Speaker 1: That's not a lack of love, that's dependency. That's a

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Speaker 1: parent child dynamic. Not having to ask, having all your

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Speaker 1: needs tended to without it, you know, any forewarning or insight.

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Speaker 1: That's not an adult adult partnership. So you have to

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Speaker 1: consider the kind of relationship you want to build and

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Speaker 1: the partner you want to be is the other half

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Speaker 1: of that, because I'm assuming it's someone who is patient,

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Speaker 1: who is willing to see the limited resources that someone

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Speaker 1: has available at some time, can tolerate a certain amount

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Speaker 1: of disappointment when you aren't met in the ways that

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Speaker 1: you want to be met someone who's loving and warm

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Speaker 1: in their communication and their understanding. When you know you

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Speaker 1: want to be those things, then you can start practicing.

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Speaker 1: Even if it wasn't shown to you. You can take

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Speaker 1: stock of where you aren't showing up in those ways

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Speaker 1: where you can be a little bit better at showing

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Speaker 1: up in those ways. But I really really think it

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Speaker 1: starts with accountability. First, take a look at your side

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Speaker 1: of the street. When you've taken a look at your

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Speaker 1: side of the street, if you're in a relationship, then

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Speaker 1: bring it to a conversation, right like, Hey, let's co

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Speaker 1: create this thing together. How can we do this together.

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Speaker 1: I think that's the way I feel.

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Speaker 2: So many people right now, I'm sure you hear it

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Speaker 2: all the time are burnt out and exhausted with dating.

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Speaker 3: They're just tired of dating.

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Speaker 2: And they've either developed mindsets like there's no good men left,

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Speaker 2: all the good men are taken. Oh you know, well,

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Speaker 2: she's not quite right. Whatever it may be right, everyone

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Speaker 2: has their version. But people are exhausted with dating. We

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Speaker 2: talked about what happens when you got there starving? What

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Speaker 2: do you do when you feel exhausted?

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Speaker 1: No, you have two options. Number one, you can stop.

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Speaker 1: You cannot date. That's an option. Take a breather. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a full time job. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to feel like a full time job. It's good

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Speaker 1: to focus on other things. Or you can shift your expectations.

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Speaker 1: Not needing to walk into every first date as if

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Speaker 1: you're interviewing for your future spouse, for the position of

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Speaker 1: your future spouse, like such high stake, such high pressure.

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Speaker 1: Can you go in and try to have fun? You know?

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Speaker 1: Can you change the energy that you want to bring

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Speaker 1: to the room where you're just meeting someone new. You're

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Speaker 1: gonna go grab some dinner, You're gonna go grab coffee,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna go grab drinks, whatever it is. Can I

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Speaker 1: enjoy myself? Can I have fun with it? And deciding

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Speaker 1: the energy you want to bring to the function typically

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Speaker 1: allows you to enjoy the function more rather than feeling like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: here we go again. Another disappointment, you know, another let down,

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Speaker 1: another waste of time. Don't do anything with that mentality,

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Speaker 1: with that energy, your attitude, so you can either stop

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Speaker 1: or shift your energy, shift your perspective.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I was being to a friend the other day and

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Speaker 2: she was saying, she goes. She said to me, I

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Speaker 2: just wish men realized how long it takes a gout

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Speaker 2: get ready. And she was like I got ready. She

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Speaker 2: was like I looked real cute. And she was like,

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Speaker 2: he didn't say anything like this guy that you're on

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Speaker 2: the first date with, he said. She didn't say I

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Speaker 2: looked lovely. He didn't say it was nice to see me.

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Speaker 2: He didn't say it was lovely. He was just like,

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Speaker 2: I didn't feel like hem. Yeah, and she was so

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Speaker 2: let down, and she was just like, I really put

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Speaker 2: effort into how I, you know, got ready. I was

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Speaker 2: excited about it, and it just felt like it wasn't

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Speaker 2: just that he didn't notice her visually was she was

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Speaker 2: like the conversation didn't go either. But I can imagine

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Speaker 2: that that kind of feeling repetitively gets tiring. But at

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Speaker 2: the same time, you're so right that it gets tiring

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Speaker 2: when there's really high stakes on it every time and

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Speaker 2: it being perfect or being the one or being the moment.

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Speaker 2: It's almost like it's almost like you made it. You

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Speaker 2: made it harder for yourself by going out wanting him

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Speaker 2: to be the night. Yes, whereas if you'd just gone out,

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Speaker 2: and even if you did put in all that f

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Speaker 2: and everything, but you like that about yourself.

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Speaker 1: And if you had fun.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: I'm a girl. I love getting ready. I love my

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Speaker 1: two hour long process of getting ready for an event.

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Speaker 1: And you know, the music's playing, the vibe is good,

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Speaker 1: that's fun. I enjoy that. I enjoy that, so I

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Speaker 1: do it more. I do it when I want to.

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Speaker 1: It's a process that I want to engage in. I

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Speaker 1: also think i'd like to start a petition to bring

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Speaker 1: back flirting in general. I think we've lost the art

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Speaker 1: of flirting, because flirting is fun and not flirting that

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Speaker 1: has to lead to anything, not you find someone attractive,

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Speaker 1: there's a little bit of chemistry. You share a five

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Speaker 1: minute conversation. It's flirting and it's fun and it can

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Speaker 1: end there. It can end there you show up to

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Speaker 1: a first date. Can I tap into that, you know,

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Speaker 1: the back and forth, the banter, the fun, the chemistry

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Speaker 1: with no strings attached, just for the sake of connection

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Speaker 1: and fun. Yeah, I don't know how we'll start that.

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Speaker 2: You're gonna figure outing bring back.

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Speaker 3: For Yeah, I wonder.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it's disappeared, mostly because people aren't used

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Speaker 2: to speaking in person in the time that things are flatty,

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Speaker 2: so most of the flatting happens over a message, and

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Speaker 2: then by the time you get in front of each

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Speaker 2: other you have to have a real conversation, which is

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Speaker 2: kind of like a hard shift to go from flating

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Speaker 2: on the phone to you know, through text, to them

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Speaker 2: being interesting in person.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely?

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Speaker 2: So absolutely do you do you believe the spark is real?

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Speaker 3: And does it matter?

435
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:35,280
Speaker 1: Absolutely? Spark is real and it matters, but it changes

436
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:41,639
Speaker 1: and it fades and it grows in other in other instances.

437
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:45,159
Speaker 1: I think you need to feel an immediate attraction to

438
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,399
Speaker 1: someone that you are romantically interested in. That doesn't mean

439
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 1: you are flooded, overwhelmed, like hot and sweaty, you can't

440
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,280
Speaker 1: can't catch your breath. You're doesn't have to be that,

441
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,399
Speaker 1: but you do need to think. I'd like to be

442
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,080
Speaker 1: a little closer to them, my chair a little bit clearer.

443
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,120
Speaker 1: I have to figure out a way to talk to them,

444
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:07,240
Speaker 1: you know. But that's that's not to say that connection

445
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:11,800
Speaker 1: and intimacy and attraction can't grow over time. They absolutely do,

446
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,560
Speaker 1: especially for women, especially for women. But you you should

447
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,680
Speaker 1: find the person that you're dating attractive and there should

448
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,040
Speaker 1: be a spark of Yes, I want to be physically

449
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:22,600
Speaker 1: closer to them, but I also want to know more

450
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:26,240
Speaker 1: about them. There's some magic here, there's some some something

451
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,679
Speaker 1: something to work with. I think there has to be.

452
00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 1: But as you get to know a person, as the

453
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 1: novelty wears off, that spark will change. And that's okay.

454
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,639
Speaker 1: I don't think we need to discount anyone if there

455
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:44,040
Speaker 1: isn't some immediate firework, and we should prepare for that

456
00:23:44,119 --> 00:23:46,959
Speaker 1: spark to change if you plan on starting a long

457
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 1: term relationship.

458
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, when when can the spark mislead us? How does

459
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:51,560
Speaker 2: it mislead us?

460
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,720
Speaker 1: When it feels like you're on a roller coaster. When

461
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:59,760
Speaker 1: you find yourself pining for someone, there's a I like

462
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,639
Speaker 1: to say say, we only obsess over people who aren't

463
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:08,200
Speaker 1: fully available to us, and that spark can really be mistaken,

464
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,040
Speaker 1: or the obsession can be mistaken for a spark, where

465
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,960
Speaker 1: there's something we're projecting onto someone that is so full

466
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:20,240
Speaker 1: on it feels like an obsession, and there's this gap

467
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 1: between who they are and who they could be, the

468
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: relationship that you could have and the relationship that you

469
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 1: actually have, and that gap in between is a reflection

470
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,639
Speaker 1: of who you would get to be and how you

471
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,880
Speaker 1: would get to feel if the fantasy became a reality,

472
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: and that can feel like a spark, can feel like

473
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:43,640
Speaker 1: a deep, overwhelming obsession. Anyone who's been through this knows

474
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,640
Speaker 1: how all consuming it can be. But when we're projecting

475
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,680
Speaker 1: a fantasy onto someone, that spark can take us away

476
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: into a whole other world.

477
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, I fully agree. And it's so hard because when

478
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,280
Speaker 2: you're doing that, you don't even know you're doing it.

479
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:05,159
Speaker 1: No, typically not at first. If you experience it enough times,

480
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 1: because it'll be a pattern, it's probably happened. If it's

481
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: happened once, it'll probably happen again unless you catch it.

482
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 1: Because you shouldn't feel like you're falling off a cliff.

483
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:21,960
Speaker 1: You shouldn't feel like a free fall of adrenaline and anxiety.

484
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,119
Speaker 1: You should be excited to see someone, excited to be

485
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 1: around them, to get to know them. But it should

486
00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:33,120
Speaker 1: not feel like the ground falls from underneath you when

487
00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:35,920
Speaker 1: you're with them or not near them, or uncertain about

488
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:36,680
Speaker 1: what's going to happen.

489
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,879
Speaker 2: What's the difference between chemistry and compatibility and what's more

490
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:42,960
Speaker 2: important over time?

491
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:48,200
Speaker 1: I think compatibility in terms of shared values and visions

492
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:54,600
Speaker 1: of the future people optimistic compatibility for similarity in all aspects. Right,

493
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,399
Speaker 1: I need to find someone who likes the same movies

494
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,960
Speaker 1: I like, listen to the same music, prefers to eat

495
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 1: all the same foods that I do, who goes to

496
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:03,200
Speaker 1: sleep with the same type. You don't need an identical

497
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 1: copy of you. In fact, that would probably drive you crazy.

498
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,159
Speaker 1: What I think compatibility really boils down to, in a

499
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:14,880
Speaker 1: more important sense, is how do you value your time, attention,

500
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,000
Speaker 1: and energy when it comes to the most important things

501
00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: in your life. If you are someone who values family,

502
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,359
Speaker 1: you want children one day, you want to be married,

503
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: you want a long term partnership with love, honesty, trust,

504
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:32,479
Speaker 1: all those things. You need to find someone who values family, kids,

505
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 1: being married, prioritizing the family above just their own innate desires. Right,

506
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 1: Those values have to align otherwise you're headed for a disaster.

507
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,160
Speaker 1: Same thing with visions of the future. If you start

508
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,640
Speaker 1: dating someone who wants to live out of a van

509
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,240
Speaker 1: and travel around the country and wants to kind of

510
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:57,440
Speaker 1: have this nomadic life, and you want to live two

511
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 1: blocks away from your parents, you know, and Iowa and forever,

512
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,080
Speaker 1: and that's home for you. I love that for both

513
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:07,359
Speaker 1: of you. You're probably not meant to be together. That'll

514
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:11,160
Speaker 1: be a really contentious relationship. I like to say, don't

515
00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:14,840
Speaker 1: order what's not on the menu when you meet someone.

516
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 1: If they say work is their most important priority, that's

517
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,439
Speaker 1: their top value. Don't get into a relationship expecting to

518
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,400
Speaker 1: change that about someone. It's not fair to them, it's

519
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 1: not fair to you. That's compatibility. Chemistry, in my opinion,

520
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:37,639
Speaker 1: boils down to the magic that you feel just being

521
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:43,879
Speaker 1: around someone. Yeah, it's almost palpable. There's whether that's a

522
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,560
Speaker 1: quiet intimacy, like a soft intimacy, you're pulled towards each other,

523
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 1: whether it's banter and wit have a similar sense of humor.

524
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,440
Speaker 1: Whether it is physical attraction, you just want to jump

525
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 1: their bones and you can't help but kiss them and

526
00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,919
Speaker 1: all all the things that to me is chemistry, and

527
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,879
Speaker 1: you want you want that, But chemistry won't build the

528
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 1: long term relationship, the long term partnership that some people want,

529
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 1: not everyone, some people don't.

530
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:19,440
Speaker 2: But I loved your distinction between compatibility and similarity because

531
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 2: I think that's to me, that's the real hurdle for people,

532
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 2: because I talk about this where me and my wife

533
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 2: are just completely the opposite people in terms of we

534
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,399
Speaker 2: don't have a lot in common when it comes to

535
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,600
Speaker 2: likes and dislikes and things like that, but from a

536
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,520
Speaker 2: values and vision point of view, we respect and we

537
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,520
Speaker 2: don't even have directly the same values and vision, but

538
00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 2: we respect each other so much that it allows for

539
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,640
Speaker 2: a healthy relationship. So my purpose, my work, is my

540
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 2: number one priority, and my wife's is her family. But

541
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 2: I love when she spends time with her family, and

542
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 2: she loves seeing me pursue my purpose, and therefore there

543
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,000
Speaker 2: isn't conflict, whereas if she said, Jay, you have to

544
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 2: give up for your purpose to be with my family

545
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:04,680
Speaker 2: or if I said, well, you've got to give up

546
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:07,800
Speaker 2: your family to spend time with my purpose, that wouldn't

547
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,440
Speaker 2: work for us. And I find that to be a

548
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 2: really common thing I hear from people where the biggest

549
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 2: mistake you can make in a relationship is one of

550
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:19,680
Speaker 2: you wants the other person to change for them and

551
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,760
Speaker 2: the other person doesn't want you to change at all.

552
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,040
Speaker 2: And the truth is you're both going to change, but

553
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 2: not in the ways the other person wants you to.

554
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 2: You're just going to become who you are going to become.

555
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 2: And it's so interesting to me that I meet so

556
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 2: many people who almost want their partner to play a

557
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:41,160
Speaker 2: very specific role in their life, not realizing that that

558
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 2: human is evolving, growing and shifting themselves and is unlikely

559
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 2: to do that.

560
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:50,800
Speaker 1: There's a real opportunity to see beyond ourselves if we

561
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: find that dynamic at play where I need them to

562
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 1: show up in this way they need to be just so,

563
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 1: that's black and white thinking, right. It's limiting to you,

564
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: it's limiting to the other person, and it's limiting to

565
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 1: the relationship. That's the and that's hard to accept because

566
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 1: if you're outsourcing all of your needs, desires, and wants

567
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:17,640
Speaker 1: onto another person, you're going to be disappointed. And if

568
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,840
Speaker 1: you expect to be met in all the ways you

569
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: want to be met all the time, you're going to

570
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,360
Speaker 1: be disappointed. There has to be a bit of accountability there,

571
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,920
Speaker 1: where am I not taking care of myself? Where am

572
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 1: I not pursuing what I really want to spend my time, attention,

573
00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:36,120
Speaker 1: and energy on. That's there's probably a bit of that

574
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 1: that's lacking, because if you expect someone else to do

575
00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: it for you to change in all the ways you want,

576
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:46,200
Speaker 1: that's a self centered view, and you can at the

577
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 1: very least consider how important is everything that I'm asking

578
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,800
Speaker 1: for right now? Could I live without this and still

579
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:57,600
Speaker 1: be okay and still be happy. Maybe it's a season.

580
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,800
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just a season. People think love is supposed

581
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 1: to carry them through decades and decades of relationship, just love,

582
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: just the feeling that it should be peaceful and RESTful

583
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 1: all the time. Sometimes it's work. Some seasons are work

584
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 1: where hey, I really want this and they say I

585
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: really don't, and your top value is your commitment to

586
00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 1: each other, then you're going to figure it out and

587
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 1: that's probably going to be a stormy season. But no

588
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: one really likes hearing that because it means we have

589
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 1: to tolerate some disappointment and take some accountability, which doesn't

590
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,160
Speaker 1: always feel very good.

591
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 3: Is love enough.

592
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: Love the feeling or love the action? You tell me,

593
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:42,760
Speaker 1: Love the action is because love as an action is willingness,

594
00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 1: willingness to find the color, the nuance, the balance, willingness

595
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 1: to learn to love someone how they want to be loved,

596
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,920
Speaker 1: willingness to show up and be loving when you feel

597
00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 1: the least loving. You know, people say I would die

598
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: for my partner. I love them more than anything in

599
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,440
Speaker 1: this world. I would literally lay down and die for them. Okay,

600
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,880
Speaker 1: but would you put your phone down when they're telling

601
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 1: you about your day? Do you take their hand when

602
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 1: you're walking down the sidewalk with them? Do you notice

603
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,120
Speaker 1: when they come home from work and their mood is

604
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,440
Speaker 1: a little off. Do you take the time to stop

605
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,960
Speaker 1: and ask them about it, to remember the little things

606
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,520
Speaker 1: that they tell you to care. That's love, that's love

607
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:30,520
Speaker 1: as an action. That's what keeps connection. Love is a

608
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 1: feeling will be fleeting if we don't follow it, follow

609
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 1: it through, follow it up with action.

610
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,320
Speaker 3: So there is a difference between love the feeling and

611
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:39,760
Speaker 3: love the.

612
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 1: Action, I think, so do you.

613
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I agree.

614
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 2: No, I never thought about it like that. I think

615
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 2: love the action requires so much more emotional intelligence and

616
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,320
Speaker 2: maturity than love the feeling. I think I was in

617
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 2: love when I was sixteen.

618
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 1: All the time, all the time, all the time.

619
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,680
Speaker 2: And I did not back that up with actions. I think,

620
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,760
Speaker 2: going back to the piece about people changing, I think

621
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:09,240
Speaker 2: people change for people because they're so scared that that

622
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,760
Speaker 2: person has so many options. So I'd rather change to

623
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 2: be everything you want me to be so that you

624
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 2: don't leave me to find someone else. But in that process,

625
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 2: I'll become someone I don't even recognize because I didn't

626
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 2: want to become that person at all, And now you

627
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:29,960
Speaker 2: will leave me anyway because you can tell I'm not

628
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:34,680
Speaker 2: really authentically that person. So it almost hurts twice, one

629
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 2: in unbecoming yourself and then in losing the other person

630
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 2: anyway because you didn't become who they needed you to be.

631
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,880
Speaker 2: So many people today feel like there's plenty efficient the

632
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 2: sy there's so many options. What do you do when

633
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,560
Speaker 2: you meet someone you like them, but you can tell

634
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 2: that they have some detachment because they have this idea

635
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,400
Speaker 2: that there's plenty efficiency, and you're trying to hold on

636
00:33:58,440 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 2: to them. You can tell you're trying to hold on

637
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:05,000
Speaker 2: then knowing that they might ultimately let you go anyway.

638
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: Do you value commitment? Do you value someone who also

639
00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:13,520
Speaker 1: knows what they want? If you have if you have

640
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: a clear vision of the kind of relationship you want,

641
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:23,360
Speaker 1: the way you want your relationship to feel, consistent, reliable, warm, fun,

642
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:28,200
Speaker 1: it's playful. When you understand that, becomes a lot easier

643
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,479
Speaker 1: to discern who's for you and who's not. Someone who's

644
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 1: still worried about all the other fish in the sea,

645
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:37,440
Speaker 1: who's easily distracted, who that catches their eye, that catches

646
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 1: their eye, and you feel like you have to control them.

647
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:41,279
Speaker 1: If it feels like you have to control them, it's

648
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 1: not love. And you can't build a relationship, a fulfilling

649
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:48,480
Speaker 1: relationship from that place. So if you notice that they

650
00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 1: don't value the same things you do, they don't value

651
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,880
Speaker 1: commitment in the same ways, then they're probably not for you,

652
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,319
Speaker 1: because the last thing you want to do is chase

653
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,359
Speaker 1: after them, try and convince them to want the same

654
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,080
Speaker 1: things that you want. And please, I'll show you so

655
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 1: how good it'll be if you'll just choose me. Then

656
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,040
Speaker 1: you end up losing yourself in a in the very

657
00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:08,360
Speaker 1: ways that you're trying to avoid in the first place.

658
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:09,920
Speaker 3: It's always hard.

659
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,680
Speaker 2: I always find that we're willing to tolerate bad behavior

660
00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:17,440
Speaker 2: from someone we're really into versus someone we're kind of into.

661
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,400
Speaker 2: And so when we say we want reliability, if the

662
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 2: person we're really into doesn't message back, we'll be patient.

663
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:26,839
Speaker 2: But if someone were kind of into doesn't message back,

664
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:28,279
Speaker 2: We're like, oh, red flag.

665
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:28,719
Speaker 3: That was me?

666
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:33,600
Speaker 1: That was I mean, that was that was a childhood

667
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 1: childhood wound of Am I lovable? Am I difficult to love?

668
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:41,319
Speaker 1: Who do I have to become to get someone to

669
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 1: choose me to pay attention to me?

670
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 3: Right?

671
00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:45,840
Speaker 1: So, oh, you kind of like me, you kind of

672
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 1: are interested, you kind of pay enough attention. I'm going

673
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,480
Speaker 1: to get the other fifty percent of that attention from you.

674
00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:53,920
Speaker 1: I'm going to earn it. I'm going to tolerate the

675
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,719
Speaker 1: hurt that disrespect because you're giving me a little bit

676
00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:58,439
Speaker 1: of what I want and I'm going to prove it.

677
00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:02,520
Speaker 1: And then I'd get into really relationships fully chosen, stable, love,

678
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 1: very good people, and I'd test them. No, you don't

679
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 1: hear m mmm. I'm going to show you that I

680
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:10,400
Speaker 1: can rebel against this. I'm going to show you that

681
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 1: I'm hard to love so that then I can come

682
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,279
Speaker 1: back and earn it again. That is an That is

683
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:20,000
Speaker 1: a childhood wound that doesn't heal until you take accountability

684
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:22,560
Speaker 1: for it. It wasn't until I realized the pattern at

685
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:26,400
Speaker 1: play and I got sick of my own shit. I

686
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:30,000
Speaker 1: got sick of the same hurt, the same anxiety, the

687
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 1: same cycles like I don't want this. And then I

688
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:38,280
Speaker 1: took accountability and realized that the stubility and the love

689
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,759
Speaker 1: that I was looking for was going to require me

690
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 1: to make value based decisions first and foremost, and really

691
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 1: show up and support myself and soothe myself. When I

692
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:51,799
Speaker 1: wanted to run, or when I wanted to beg or

693
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:55,800
Speaker 1: when I wanted to react, I had to learn to respond.

694
00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,400
Speaker 1: Little tidbit about me.

695
00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:03,160
Speaker 2: I was going to ask, you, did, how bad did

696
00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 2: it have to get for you to take accountability?

697
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:13,080
Speaker 1: I really lost myself, chasing the feeling of being chosen,

698
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:21,640
Speaker 1: had given up on dreams, lost all confidence, tolerated just

699
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:26,560
Speaker 1: the worst possible behavior, just was a shell of myself,

700
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:31,080
Speaker 1: really and truly and when you reach that level, when

701
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 1: essentially rock bottom, you either have to pull yourself out

702
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:39,640
Speaker 1: or you realize how deep and dark it'll feel until

703
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,480
Speaker 1: you find the courage, and you don't want to live

704
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: like that. I didn't want to live like that. I

705
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,319
Speaker 1: knew that there was an option, and I knew it

706
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 1: was going to be hard, and I knew that it

707
00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:50,600
Speaker 1: was going to take a hell of a lot of time, attention, understanding,

708
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:54,319
Speaker 1: patience for myself. But one of the best things, one

709
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,919
Speaker 1: of the best things I've ever done, A big piece

710
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,360
Speaker 1: of what actually got me into this work quite frankly,

711
00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 1: tell me about that the pattern I was just talking about,

712
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,319
Speaker 1: you know, choose me, see me, what can I do

713
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 1: to earn your attention? That primarily came from my mother.

714
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 1: And my mother died of cancer back in twenty nineteen,

715
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:24,359
Speaker 1: and there was something about her death that was so

716
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 1: devastating and yet so healing because of the way we

717
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:36,439
Speaker 1: were able to repair before she passed. So we got

718
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 1: to have these conversations peel back so honest, so honest,

719
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 1: and the safety and space it created, feeling seen and

720
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:47,480
Speaker 1: chosen and loved in such a way, even though it

721
00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:52,520
Speaker 1: was the end. There was something about that moment, and

722
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 1: obviously the journey of grief that came after that that

723
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 1: changed me to my core. And this is all happening

724
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:01,839
Speaker 1: around the same time the feeling like I was at

725
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,640
Speaker 1: rock bottom the death of my mother. There was so

726
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:07,799
Speaker 1: much going on there where I realized that I was

727
00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:12,719
Speaker 1: looking for evidence to confirm or deny the beliefs that

728
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,319
Speaker 1: I had learned in this mother daughter dynamic growing up,

729
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,960
Speaker 1: that I was hard to love, that I was difficult

730
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:21,400
Speaker 1: to love, that I needed to fight to be chosen.

731
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,120
Speaker 1: I was looking for evidence to confirm that everywhere, and

732
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,799
Speaker 1: it felt awful. It felt awful. So there was a

733
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:34,319
Speaker 1: bit of the love and support and honesty that I

734
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,839
Speaker 1: was able to find in these conversations with my mother,

735
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,400
Speaker 1: and then the work that I did after she passed

736
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 1: to learn to show up for myself and no longer

737
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 1: tolerate those beliefs, no longer take those beliefs as fact,

738
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 1: And that was really where where the work was. That's

739
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:55,399
Speaker 1: where the work came from.

740
00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:59,560
Speaker 2: First of all, sorry for your loss, because it sounds

741
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:04,360
Speaker 2: like a really difficult time through everything that you just mentioned.

742
00:40:06,239 --> 00:40:14,120
Speaker 2: And at the same time, my question is how useful

743
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:18,759
Speaker 2: was it to repair with her and could more of

744
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:25,240
Speaker 2: us heal our relationships with our future partners by repairing

745
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:31,239
Speaker 2: our relationships with our parents in any way.

746
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:34,480
Speaker 1: If you have the option, if you have the option,

747
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:40,200
Speaker 1: it's worth a try. But you don't need to. You

748
00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:43,799
Speaker 1: don't need to. And I was so blessed and so

749
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:45,960
Speaker 1: lucky to be able to number one have the time

750
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:50,440
Speaker 1: before she passed because she was sick, but for her

751
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:52,759
Speaker 1: to also have an open heart and an open mind

752
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 1: to meet me there. I know that that's not a

753
00:40:55,680 --> 00:41:00,600
Speaker 1: luxury that every everyone gets, and that's really hard if

754
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: anyone can relate to that. I just want to acknowledge

755
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,040
Speaker 1: how there's a grief in and of that. You know

756
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,600
Speaker 1: that you don't have a parent that will meet you

757
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:10,440
Speaker 1: in such a way, you don't have a person of

758
00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: such importance that will meet you meet either, but there

759
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:20,480
Speaker 1: absolutely is a process of a similar strategy I just

760
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,520
Speaker 1: explained that you can do on your own, which is

761
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:27,479
Speaker 1: meeting yourself in the ways you wish that parent would

762
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 1: meet you. What do you wish they would say? What

763
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,960
Speaker 1: do you wish they would validate about you? Because my

764
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:35,560
Speaker 1: guess is what you wish they would validate about you

765
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 1: are the same things you bring into those romantic relationships.

766
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 1: I wish you would accept me. I wish you would

767
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 1: just love I wish you would look at me and say,

768
00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:47,760
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. I see you. There's probably

769
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:49,799
Speaker 1: a few flavors of that that show up in your

770
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:53,719
Speaker 1: conflict with your romantic partner. Right, And if you're with

771
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:57,799
Speaker 1: someone who is safe and loving and patient romantically, you're

772
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:01,600
Speaker 1: you can have some of these conversations with them, Hey,

773
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,680
Speaker 1: I feel this way. You know, maybe it came from

774
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 1: mom or dad, maybe it didn't, but communicating that sharing that,

775
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:12,359
Speaker 1: that's how we grow in relationship is by bringing these beliefs. Hey,

776
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:16,239
Speaker 1: what I'm feeling? Is this what I'm hearing in this conversation.

777
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:18,400
Speaker 1: I heard you just say that you don't love me

778
00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,680
Speaker 1: and you don't care about this relationship. And they look

779
00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:23,520
Speaker 1: at you like I just told you that I that

780
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:25,440
Speaker 1: I is going to be home two hours late.

781
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:25,759
Speaker 3: What do you?

782
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:26,879
Speaker 1: I didn't? What?

783
00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:27,560
Speaker 3: Right?

784
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,960
Speaker 1: That's and that's where the understanding and the healing and

785
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 1: the reprogramming really comes from. But it takes a hell

786
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,239
Speaker 1: of a lot of vulnerability that's not always comfortable, but

787
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,399
Speaker 1: it's always worth it.

788
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 3: Yeah.

789
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:46,880
Speaker 1: Always.

790
00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:56,560
Speaker 3: Yeah.

791
00:42:56,600 --> 00:43:01,719
Speaker 2: One of my early experiences of love was I was overloved,

792
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:04,359
Speaker 2: and then I was made to feel guilty for not

793
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:08,480
Speaker 2: reciprocating back at that level. And so when I first

794
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:11,200
Speaker 2: started dating my wife, I would do exactly the same.

795
00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:13,920
Speaker 2: I would over love and then guilt her for not

796
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,200
Speaker 2: loving me in the same amount.

797
00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:21,040
Speaker 3: Back scoreboard totally. And her reaction.

798
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:27,239
Speaker 2: Was very human and eventually helpful, because my love and

799
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 2: there were so many other things that were so worthy

800
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:32,440
Speaker 2: of love that her reaction was just she pulled away

801
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:38,040
Speaker 2: because she didn't understand. Because at one point she'd be like, well,

802
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:41,399
Speaker 2: I didn't ask for you to overlove me, and then

803
00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:43,880
Speaker 2: she'd be like, but I am loving you, just not

804
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 2: exactly perfectly in the way that you're saying it. And

805
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 2: because I believed her, and because I believe there was

806
00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,880
Speaker 2: truth to it, I remember the moment the penny dropped

807
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:55,759
Speaker 2: for me where I was like, oh my gosh, this

808
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 2: is exactly me repeating a pattern no wonder, no one

809
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:01,439
Speaker 2: wants to be And I saw my sister do the same,

810
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:04,400
Speaker 2: and I just I just noticed how like that was

811
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:08,360
Speaker 2: how we were trained to love. And I remember the

812
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 2: moment I realized that, and I could find all these

813
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,600
Speaker 2: other patterns in how I loved my wife in an

814
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 2: unhealthy way. It just transformed our entire relationship because now

815
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,040
Speaker 2: there weren't there wasn't any of that. And it's so

816
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:24,080
Speaker 2: funny because I felt so righteous in that belief at

817
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:26,439
Speaker 2: the time that I was like, I must be right.

818
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,280
Speaker 2: Of course I'm right. I'm the one who's doing everything.

819
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:34,200
Speaker 1: Where did it turn Where your realization when did it?

820
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:35,240
Speaker 1: Was it something she said?

821
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:38,200
Speaker 2: Was well it was it was her pulling away And

822
00:44:38,239 --> 00:44:40,759
Speaker 2: it was almost like it kind of made the scoreboard

823
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:44,399
Speaker 2: not work because in my relationship with love, if someone

824
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 2: did that to me, I just turned up how they

825
00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:47,440
Speaker 2: wanted me to turn up.

826
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:50,279
Speaker 1: But what was the thing that helped you realize that?

827
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:54,560
Speaker 1: It was a personal pattern? The accountability of oh shit,

828
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:56,520
Speaker 1: that's my stuff to us.

829
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:59,319
Speaker 2: I think it ended up because it was so long ago.

830
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,879
Speaker 2: Now I believe it was probably I ended up being

831
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 2: a conversation where I think my wife said something to

832
00:45:07,239 --> 00:45:11,680
Speaker 2: me like I just don't know what I could ever

833
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 2: do to make you happy, Like I'm like, I just

834
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:16,120
Speaker 2: don't know, like even if I did this, and I

835
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:17,600
Speaker 2: did this and I did that, I don't even know

836
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:21,279
Speaker 2: if it would ever be enough. And I think when

837
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 2: she said that to me, and I thought about it.

838
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:26,600
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I think she's right. I don't

839
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,560
Speaker 2: think it would have even if she did all those

840
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:31,720
Speaker 2: things that I said I wanted yes, or thought back,

841
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:35,320
Speaker 2: it would never be enough because I'd just find something else.

842
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:39,319
Speaker 2: And when I also started to realize that when I

843
00:45:39,400 --> 00:45:42,160
Speaker 2: went above and beyond for her, it was never because

844
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,319
Speaker 2: she asked for it or wanted it or even one

845
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,279
Speaker 2: of the things I went above and beyond for. So

846
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:49,840
Speaker 2: that was also self inflicted. And actually if I was

847
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:52,040
Speaker 2: more present and aware, then maybe I'd meet her with

848
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 2: where she wants and what.

849
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,520
Speaker 1: She wants, almost like you almost so like you could

850
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:57,560
Speaker 1: get love.

851
00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:01,040
Speaker 2: Correct, absolutely that I felt to earn it, and so

852
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 2: you're giving a lot thinking that's how you get love,

853
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:06,359
Speaker 2: not realizing love was in the every day and the

854
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,200
Speaker 2: little things and the beautiful things and the you know,

855
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,839
Speaker 2: the things that are there. And then and then there

856
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 2: was another conversation that we had, This was a few

857
00:46:14,719 --> 00:46:18,200
Speaker 2: years later that was really illuminating. Was I said to her,

858
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:23,759
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm always planning our vacations, and I

859
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:25,880
Speaker 2: do all the planning and the detail and everything, and

860
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:27,760
Speaker 2: it's almost like I don't feel like I get the break,

861
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,120
Speaker 2: and she was like, I'm more than happy to plan it.

862
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:34,280
Speaker 2: But the difference is, she was like, when you plan something,

863
00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:37,640
Speaker 2: I'll happily do whatever you plan, But when I planned something,

864
00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:40,200
Speaker 2: you'll have one hundred things you'll find wrong with it

865
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:43,560
Speaker 2: and you'll be unhappy about it. And that really hit

866
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:45,520
Speaker 2: me because I was like, gosh, she's so right, Like

867
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:46,640
Speaker 2: that's exactly what I would do.

868
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 3: I would I would be upset.

869
00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:51,040
Speaker 2: The schedule and the timeline and everything because I have

870
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:53,640
Speaker 2: a viewpoint on how it should be done. And therefore

871
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:55,879
Speaker 2: she allows me to plan it because she knows I'll

872
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:58,239
Speaker 2: be happier that way on both accounts. But so it's

873
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:00,960
Speaker 2: so interesting how so much of it isself inflicted because

874
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:05,080
Speaker 2: I've found there the more I take responsibility for how

875
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:07,800
Speaker 2: I need to change, and the more she takes responsibility

876
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,560
Speaker 2: for how she needs to change, the better our relationship gets,

877
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:12,839
Speaker 2: rather than her telling me how I need to change

878
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:14,479
Speaker 2: and me telling her how she needs to change.

879
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 1: Well on what a comment, I call it the criticism

880
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,759
Speaker 1: and withdrawal loop. One person says I want more, the

881
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,160
Speaker 1: other person says, why is nothing that I do ever enough?

882
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:30,600
Speaker 1: And that can quickly spiral your taking your story. For example, hey,

883
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:32,880
Speaker 1: I always plan these things. I would love it if

884
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:36,359
Speaker 1: if you would plan the vacations more. Yeah, she could

885
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:40,400
Speaker 1: easily say, I throughout this idea last time, and you

886
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 1: shut me down. And I tried to throw out this

887
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:44,520
Speaker 1: idea before and you won't go for it. Nothing I

888
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:45,920
Speaker 1: ever do is not where do you want me to

889
00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:48,920
Speaker 1: go with this? And it turns into this spiral, and

890
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 1: then after that there's a withdrawal or the criticism gets louder.

891
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:54,400
Speaker 1: I told you you didn't plan this last vacation, and

892
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:56,200
Speaker 1: you know what, you haven't planned any date nights either.

893
00:47:56,520 --> 00:48:00,560
Speaker 1: It all falls on me. What's really being communicated is, hey,

894
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 1: can I share this mental load? Can I Can we

895
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:07,759
Speaker 1: share in the emotional labor here a little bit? Can

896
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 1: you show up and can you help? Can I get

897
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:14,799
Speaker 1: some support? Can I feel your connection right? That would

898
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,799
Speaker 1: mean a lot to me. And I'm a little overwhelmed.

899
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,120
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't quite find the right words

900
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:24,040
Speaker 1: or the right thing, and it feels like you don't

901
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:27,600
Speaker 1: accept me, like you don't like nothing I do is

902
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:33,279
Speaker 1: valued same driving intention, very different ways to approach the

903
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:39,319
Speaker 1: conversation right, so our ability to understand why something is

904
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:45,120
Speaker 1: bothering us and communicate That is paramount. In addition, being

905
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:48,319
Speaker 1: able to listen in for the intention even if your

906
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 1: partner can't explicitly communicate it is also really important. Maybe

907
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:55,320
Speaker 1: you and Roddy can give everyone a masterclass.

908
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:58,960
Speaker 2: And I think we both generally just you know, it's

909
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:03,280
Speaker 2: been I think for us they've been very healthy conversations

910
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:07,360
Speaker 2: because we both have a similar understanding of not raising

911
00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:09,759
Speaker 2: voices and not getting angry. Like we both have a

912
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:13,759
Speaker 2: good set of rules that I think we said early

913
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 2: on what we wanted conflict to look like, or disagreements

914
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:17,319
Speaker 2: to look like.

915
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:21,840
Speaker 1: Did you know to pick someone with such a temperament?

916
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 1: Was it a parent when you first met each other,

917
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:29,360
Speaker 1: or was that something that was communicated or happened just coincidentally.

918
00:49:30,040 --> 00:49:32,839
Speaker 2: I think I got lucky at the start, and then

919
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:38,359
Speaker 2: became more conscious of as we got more serious, and

920
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,080
Speaker 2: have become even more grateful as years have gone by,

921
00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:43,239
Speaker 2: And so I think there was a bit of luck

922
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:47,280
Speaker 2: in the beginning, and then maybe you were even developing.

923
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:50,160
Speaker 1: It naturally drawn to her temperament maybe for sure?

924
00:49:50,239 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 2: For sure, Yeah, yeah, there's definitely that there was a

925
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:56,880
Speaker 2: natural draw, but it was an unconscious experience in the beginning,

926
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:59,640
Speaker 2: then became more conscious and focused and developed. And I

927
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,600
Speaker 2: always it's like you, you can get a lot of things

928
00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:05,680
Speaker 2: right without not without knowing, but then once you know,

929
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,360
Speaker 2: it's good to focus on getting them better. Yes, but

930
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:10,000
Speaker 2: I wanted to ask you this question. You say one

931
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:11,480
Speaker 2: of my favorite things that you say. You said in

932
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,399
Speaker 2: a video that you can tell how much you love

933
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:17,280
Speaker 2: yourself by the partner that you've chosen.

934
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:19,080
Speaker 3: Tell me about that.

935
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:25,040
Speaker 1: Well. I pose it as a question because if you

936
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:29,120
Speaker 1: hear someone say in the video, I think you're referring to,

937
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:33,920
Speaker 1: how would you feel if someone said that they can

938
00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:35,840
Speaker 1: tell how much you love yourself by the partner that

939
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:39,880
Speaker 1: you've chosen. Does that feel like a compliment or an insult?

940
00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:44,000
Speaker 1: And what that really distills down to. I'm not passing

941
00:50:44,080 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 1: a judgment on your relationship, but the way you feel

942
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:51,360
Speaker 1: about that question can offer a lot of insight. Have

943
00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:59,040
Speaker 1: you tolerated treatment that really really doesn't feel great, It

944
00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:03,120
Speaker 1: doesn't really feel loving. It's not what someone would put

945
00:51:03,239 --> 00:51:07,240
Speaker 1: up with if they loved themselves, or Man, I've chosen

946
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:11,479
Speaker 1: a really patient, loving, incredible person. You know, some part

947
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:14,480
Speaker 1: of me must like myself enough to choose someone who

948
00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:17,759
Speaker 1: loves me in such a way. It's really really most

949
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:21,400
Speaker 1: mostly about reflection. What is it that we're choosing? And

950
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:24,960
Speaker 1: am i? Am I making decisions building relationships, investing in

951
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:31,400
Speaker 1: relationships that reflect love, love for myself and back to

952
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:34,840
Speaker 1: the values. Do you know am I making decision based

953
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:39,000
Speaker 1: on my values? Or am I stagnant? Am I complacent?

954
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:44,960
Speaker 1: Am I participating in this negative dynamic as well? It's

955
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:47,760
Speaker 1: really about reflection and seeing what comes up for people.

956
00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:51,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a great reflection, such a great question, and

957
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:54,520
Speaker 2: it's a great way if you're dating right now to

958
00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:56,320
Speaker 2: really make the right shifts and changes.

959
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:58,320
Speaker 3: Absolutely, And if.

960
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:01,759
Speaker 2: You're married and you feel like you may the wrong decision,

961
00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:03,920
Speaker 2: what would you do if someone's listening to that and

962
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:07,520
Speaker 2: they're going, like, I'm listening to you right now, Qan

963
00:52:08,040 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 2: that that feels tough because my partner is not present.

964
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:15,480
Speaker 3: I don't.

965
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:19,239
Speaker 2: I know they love me, but you know, I'm not

966
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:21,520
Speaker 2: sure we I think we lost it somewhere along the way.

967
00:52:21,520 --> 00:52:22,439
Speaker 2: What would you say to them?

968
00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:27,160
Speaker 1: I love that distinction too. I say dating is dating

969
00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:31,319
Speaker 1: is about discernment. Marriage is about devotion, not the other

970
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:35,640
Speaker 1: way around. Say that again, dating is about discernment, not devotion.

971
00:52:36,239 --> 00:52:40,080
Speaker 1: Devotion is to be saved for marriage or long term relationships,

972
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:45,840
Speaker 1: long term partnerships. That's important as you're making decisions. But

973
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:50,760
Speaker 1: what I would say to someone who's realizing that maybe

974
00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:53,839
Speaker 1: their relationship dynamic is not as loving as they would

975
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 1: want it to be. First things first, take a look

976
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 1: at your side of the street. That does doesn't mean,

977
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:02,799
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it's your fault. This is not a

978
00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:06,560
Speaker 1: blame game. But if you envision the kind of relationship

979
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:09,799
Speaker 1: you want this with your husband, with your wife, with

980
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:13,239
Speaker 1: your partner, what does it consist of? And how can

981
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:16,840
Speaker 1: you add more of that? Now? How can you be

982
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:21,120
Speaker 1: the first to add to try? How can you show

983
00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:23,840
Speaker 1: up as the partner you want to be? Where's the

984
00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:27,160
Speaker 1: appreciation for the ways that they are making effort. It's

985
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:31,560
Speaker 1: really easy to get sucked into a disappointment spiral, like

986
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:33,319
Speaker 1: you go down the rabbit hole and all you can

987
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,160
Speaker 1: see are the things that they aren't doing, the things

988
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:37,480
Speaker 1: are doing wrong, the ways that they aren't showing up.

989
00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:41,239
Speaker 1: Pull yourself out of that. If you want your relationship

990
00:53:41,239 --> 00:53:43,400
Speaker 1: to work, you have to pull yourself out of that.

991
00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:46,600
Speaker 1: Even if you choose to leave, don't choose to leave

992
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:50,920
Speaker 1: in the bottom of the disappointment spiral. Anyway, clean up

993
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:54,600
Speaker 1: your side of the street, and go first. That's what

994
00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:57,040
Speaker 1: I would say. The follow up to that is have

995
00:53:57,080 --> 00:54:03,360
Speaker 1: a conversation with your spouse. Hey, I want more of

996
00:54:03,400 --> 00:54:07,239
Speaker 1: this because I love you. I feel really distant, I

997
00:54:07,239 --> 00:54:09,560
Speaker 1: feel really lonely. We both have a lot going on.

998
00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:12,440
Speaker 1: Can we come up with a plan to reconnect. What

999
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:14,520
Speaker 1: do you want more of? Here's what I want more of.

1000
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:16,680
Speaker 1: Can we get on board? It doesn't have to be

1001
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:20,759
Speaker 1: so hum drum you negative? Oh, we have to fix this.

1002
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:23,120
Speaker 1: It can be an exciting thing if you want it

1003
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:24,880
Speaker 1: to be. And if you come with the right energy,

1004
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:28,680
Speaker 1: and if it is the right person, then they'll at

1005
00:54:28,719 --> 00:54:29,400
Speaker 1: least try to meet you.

1006
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:30,440
Speaker 3: Ei there. Yeah.

1007
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:34,799
Speaker 2: What's the difference between keeping someone accountable and trying to

1008
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:35,520
Speaker 2: change them?

1009
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:38,960
Speaker 1: I don't think you can keep people accountable. I don't

1010
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:40,960
Speaker 1: really believe that it's possible.

1011
00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:42,640
Speaker 3: We'll hold someone accountable.

1012
00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:47,400
Speaker 1: If you're with someone who's really lacking consistency, they're not

1013
00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:51,759
Speaker 1: really following through on their word, and you're thinking, I

1014
00:54:51,840 --> 00:54:55,200
Speaker 1: need a little bit more here. They are not taking initiative.

1015
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:57,000
Speaker 1: I can't trust them to do what they say that

1016
00:54:57,040 --> 00:55:00,480
Speaker 1: they're going to do, you can bring that up. This

1017
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:04,120
Speaker 1: is what I'm noticing. I'm finding it hard to rely

1018
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:06,120
Speaker 1: on you because you haven't done the things that you

1019
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: said that you're going to do. I mean, can we

1020
00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:11,279
Speaker 1: talk about this And if they say I want to

1021
00:55:11,280 --> 00:55:14,320
Speaker 1: be a more consistent, reliable person, thank you for bringing

1022
00:55:14,320 --> 00:55:17,480
Speaker 1: that to my attention. Great. Now they want to make

1023
00:55:17,520 --> 00:55:20,440
Speaker 1: that change, You've brought it to light. It is on

1024
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:26,120
Speaker 1: them to make the change. You can lovingly hey, again,

1025
00:55:26,719 --> 00:55:30,240
Speaker 1: this thing didn't get done, but it's the buck stops there. Yeah,

1026
00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:33,560
Speaker 1: you can't be breathing down their neck. You definitely don't

1027
00:55:33,600 --> 00:55:37,240
Speaker 1: want to meet them with criticism or constant disappointment. People

1028
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:40,640
Speaker 1: don't actually change from that place. So if they want

1029
00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:43,960
Speaker 1: to make the change themselves, great, beautiful, the onus is

1030
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,360
Speaker 1: on them. You can be loving and supportive in the process.

1031
00:55:46,600 --> 00:55:48,839
Speaker 1: But I don't believe that we can really hold people

1032
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:51,280
Speaker 1: accountable and we definitely can't force them to change.

1033
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:53,640
Speaker 2: I fully agree, And I think the hardest part of

1034
00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,920
Speaker 2: it is you know how hard it is to change yourself.

1035
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:01,200
Speaker 2: So even when someone says they want to change, you've

1036
00:56:01,200 --> 00:56:03,839
Speaker 2: got to realize how hard that is, right, You may

1037
00:56:03,840 --> 00:56:05,640
Speaker 2: have your partner say to you, yeah, I really do

1038
00:56:05,760 --> 00:56:07,200
Speaker 2: want to work out and get in the gym more,

1039
00:56:07,760 --> 00:56:10,200
Speaker 2: and then they're never in the gym. They're always watching sport,

1040
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:11,560
Speaker 2: they're hanging out whatever it is.

1041
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:13,960
Speaker 3: You know how hard that is to do.

1042
00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:18,480
Speaker 2: And so it's such an interesting dynamic because we almost

1043
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:21,880
Speaker 2: think change should be really easy for other people, knowing

1044
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:25,359
Speaker 2: that it's really hard for ourselves, and then when they

1045
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,759
Speaker 2: don't change, we're upset or disappointed in them. And if

1046
00:56:28,800 --> 00:56:30,440
Speaker 2: you just thought for a second about how hard it

1047
00:56:30,480 --> 00:56:34,000
Speaker 2: is to change yourself and build good habits yourself, I

1048
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:37,239
Speaker 2: think you'd have more empathy and compassion for someone else.

1049
00:56:37,320 --> 00:56:38,880
Speaker 3: That's that's how I see it. At least.

1050
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:42,680
Speaker 1: We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, and we

1051
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:46,480
Speaker 1: tend to judge others by their actions or their follow

1052
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:49,600
Speaker 1: through or the result of their thing. Right, So I

1053
00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:52,000
Speaker 1: meant to go to the gym five days this week.

1054
00:56:52,040 --> 00:56:54,520
Speaker 1: I really only made it once, but I intended to.

1055
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 1: You know, I had a lot going on. My intentions

1056
00:56:57,040 --> 00:57:00,000
Speaker 1: were good, I tried. They don't go to the gym

1057
00:57:00,120 --> 00:57:02,440
Speaker 1: five times a week, they only go once, and suddenly

1058
00:57:02,440 --> 00:57:06,160
Speaker 1: it's a reflection of their character. Right, they're unreliable, they

1059
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:10,640
Speaker 1: lack discipline, they aren't motivated. That let's hold on here,

1060
00:57:10,719 --> 00:57:13,400
Speaker 1: let's let's find the color amongst all this black and

1061
00:57:13,440 --> 00:57:14,960
Speaker 1: white thinking. I totally agree.

1062
00:57:15,040 --> 00:57:17,439
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's it's it's the toughest one. I see.

1063
00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:19,560
Speaker 3: It's I always just feel like.

1064
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:22,640
Speaker 2: And that's why I love that you said start on

1065
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:25,160
Speaker 2: your side of the street, because I think a lot

1066
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:29,800
Speaker 2: of relationship language and podcasting and conversations right now are

1067
00:57:29,840 --> 00:57:33,040
Speaker 2: all about how do you spot if someone's good? And

1068
00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:36,560
Speaker 2: I'm just like, oh, it's a dangerous game to play

1069
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:39,760
Speaker 2: because in that scenario, you're always the detective and the

1070
00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:42,840
Speaker 2: secret agent, and the other person's always the villain in

1071
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:46,080
Speaker 2: some way. And while that can be true in certain

1072
00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:49,080
Speaker 2: cases where there's extremes, the reality is most of us

1073
00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:51,920
Speaker 2: are all flawed and making mistakes at the same time.

1074
00:57:52,120 --> 00:57:58,600
Speaker 1: And if you want a peaceful, emotionally intelligent person right

1075
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,600
Speaker 1: with all of these traits that are wonderful, I love

1076
00:58:01,640 --> 00:58:04,840
Speaker 1: that for you, you have to be the other half

1077
00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:09,840
Speaker 1: of that relationship, right. You also want to be patient

1078
00:58:09,920 --> 00:58:13,960
Speaker 1: and calm, slow to conflict, kind with your words, even

1079
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 1: when you're frustrated. You can handle some disappointment and you

1080
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:23,680
Speaker 1: want to be the other half of that loving relationship.

1081
00:58:23,680 --> 00:58:26,640
Speaker 1: It's not going to come from focusing on all the

1082
00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:28,760
Speaker 1: red flags you need to look out for and all

1083
00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:31,280
Speaker 1: the things that the specific ways they need to show

1084
00:58:31,360 --> 00:58:33,240
Speaker 1: up to prove to you that they are who they

1085
00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:35,480
Speaker 1: say that they are. Focused on your side of the street,

1086
00:58:35,600 --> 00:58:38,600
Speaker 1: focus on being the other half of this relationship that

1087
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,880
Speaker 1: you want so badly, rather than trying to figure out

1088
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:43,960
Speaker 1: the quick fixes to avoid all of the bad fish

1089
00:58:44,000 --> 00:58:45,560
Speaker 1: in the sea. It's a waste of time.

1090
00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:46,200
Speaker 3: In my opinion.

1091
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:49,640
Speaker 2: You said in one of your videos, the only people

1092
00:58:49,640 --> 00:58:52,440
Speaker 2: who are upset with your boundaries are the very same

1093
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:55,880
Speaker 2: people who directly benefit from you not having any.

1094
00:58:56,520 --> 00:58:59,040
Speaker 3: I love that. Can you explain.

1095
00:59:00,120 --> 00:59:05,800
Speaker 1: Who loves you wants you to have boundaries. Someone who

1096
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:09,360
Speaker 1: loves you wants there to be limits on what you

1097
00:59:09,400 --> 00:59:12,720
Speaker 1: will and won't tolerate. What you have capacity for don't

1098
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:17,520
Speaker 1: have capacity for that is necessary. Someone who loves you,

1099
00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:21,160
Speaker 1: and better yet, someone you want in your life. We

1100
00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:22,960
Speaker 1: can argue all day, do they love me or do

1101
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:27,200
Speaker 1: they not? If they're disrespecting your boundaries, you probably don't

1102
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:31,520
Speaker 1: want them to have much access to you. Energetically, emotionally.

1103
00:59:31,760 --> 00:59:33,840
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, boundaries aren't designed to

1104
00:59:33,920 --> 00:59:37,840
Speaker 1: keep people out. They aren't designed to hurt anyone's feelings.

1105
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:44,360
Speaker 1: They're designed to maintain your finite amount of energy and attention. Right,

1106
00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:48,120
Speaker 1: I can't say yes to everything it doesn't have I

1107
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:50,640
Speaker 1: can't say yes to everything and still show up in

1108
00:59:50,680 --> 00:59:52,439
Speaker 1: the ways that I want to show up. You keep

1109
00:59:52,480 --> 00:59:55,000
Speaker 1: the character and integrity that I really like about myself.

1110
00:59:55,040 --> 00:59:57,240
Speaker 1: There's no way to do that. Someone who loves me

1111
00:59:57,360 --> 01:00:00,480
Speaker 1: is going to encourage that and respect that. And the

1112
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:03,880
Speaker 1: people who benefit from you not having the people who

1113
01:00:03,920 --> 01:00:06,760
Speaker 1: want to take more from you, who want more and

1114
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:10,720
Speaker 1: more and more, who are more self centered, they won't care.

1115
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:15,240
Speaker 1: They won't care if it's good for you or bad

1116
01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:17,320
Speaker 1: for you or not. They're more focused on themselves. And

1117
01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:21,000
Speaker 1: that's disrespectful, that's not loving, and that's not someone who

1118
01:00:21,040 --> 01:00:23,720
Speaker 1: should have an infinite amount of access to you.

1119
01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:27,040
Speaker 2: How do you set an effective boundary? Because I think

1120
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:30,200
Speaker 2: we've got used to the language, but we don't really

1121
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:32,840
Speaker 2: know how to do it. We think that a boundary

1122
01:00:33,320 --> 01:00:36,000
Speaker 2: protects you from other people, but really a boundary is

1123
01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,880
Speaker 2: something that protects you from yourself and your natural triggers

1124
01:00:40,040 --> 01:00:42,800
Speaker 2: or ways of behavior. So how do we set a

1125
01:00:42,800 --> 01:00:45,200
Speaker 2: behavior that protects us rather than trying to keep other

1126
01:00:45,240 --> 01:00:46,120
Speaker 2: people out.

1127
01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:52,600
Speaker 1: A boundary is I will or won't blank if blank?

1128
01:00:53,880 --> 01:00:59,560
Speaker 1: I will or won't blank if blank. So that means

1129
01:00:59,760 --> 01:01:03,600
Speaker 1: it is all within your control. I won't participate in

1130
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:06,760
Speaker 1: this conversation. If you yell at me again, I won't. Well,

1131
01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:08,600
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to walk away.

1132
01:01:08,720 --> 01:01:10,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you're not saying that to them. You need

1133
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:11,080
Speaker 3: to know that as well.

1134
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:15,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, either or right. I don't want to participate

1135
01:01:15,360 --> 01:01:18,480
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone who lies to me. I won't,

1136
01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:22,440
Speaker 1: I will not. You need to know that for yourself. Absolutely,

1137
01:01:22,760 --> 01:01:24,960
Speaker 1: you could share these things with other people, right back

1138
01:01:25,000 --> 01:01:30,280
Speaker 1: to the conversation with difficult parents or contentious relationships with

1139
01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:34,200
Speaker 1: your parents. You know, I really value our relationship, but

1140
01:01:35,040 --> 01:01:38,600
Speaker 1: I won't stay if you keep talking to me that way,

1141
01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:41,760
Speaker 1: if you keep bringing up that issue, I'm gonna walk away.

1142
01:01:42,680 --> 01:01:46,840
Speaker 1: I will blank if blank is a boundary, not you

1143
01:01:46,920 --> 01:01:50,880
Speaker 1: can't blank blank blank not. You better not. It's not

1144
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:54,880
Speaker 1: a threat. It's a rule for yourself, and your boundaries

1145
01:01:54,880 --> 01:01:57,520
Speaker 1: are for you to respect.

1146
01:01:58,160 --> 01:01:59,400
Speaker 3: And that's the hardest part. Right.

1147
01:01:59,440 --> 01:02:03,800
Speaker 2: I feel like we compromise our own boundaries. So we

1148
01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:07,040
Speaker 2: say things like I won't participate in this conversation if

1149
01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:10,720
Speaker 2: you lie to me, but then we continue to participate

1150
01:02:10,840 --> 01:02:13,000
Speaker 2: because it's not really a boundary. It's hoping they won't

1151
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:16,200
Speaker 2: lie to you. Right, We're saying it hoping you'll stop

1152
01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:19,480
Speaker 2: lying if I threaten you. Yes, but you just said it's.

1153
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:19,920
Speaker 3: Not a threat.

1154
01:02:20,600 --> 01:02:23,120
Speaker 2: It's a boundary if we recognize I have to leave now,

1155
01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:25,520
Speaker 2: so if you're lying, I now have to walk away,

1156
01:02:25,560 --> 01:02:27,120
Speaker 2: But we don't want to do that because we're hoping

1157
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:31,160
Speaker 2: they change yes. So it's like a secret, hidden hope

1158
01:02:31,480 --> 01:02:32,560
Speaker 2: as opposed to a boundary.

1159
01:02:32,720 --> 01:02:36,080
Speaker 1: The manipulation that you just kind of described, like I'm

1160
01:02:36,080 --> 01:02:38,280
Speaker 1: going to say that I won't tolerate it, but then

1161
01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:40,400
Speaker 1: if you actually do it, then I will say because

1162
01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:42,640
Speaker 1: what I'm really trying to get is you to show

1163
01:02:42,720 --> 01:02:44,600
Speaker 1: up for me and trying to get you to love me,

1164
01:02:44,680 --> 01:02:47,640
Speaker 1: So I'm going to mix in this threat'. That's a

1165
01:02:47,720 --> 01:02:52,000
Speaker 1: hell of a lot of manipulation rather than having your

1166
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:56,640
Speaker 1: own back, like really respecting yourself enough to say I

1167
01:02:56,680 --> 01:03:02,200
Speaker 1: will not tolerate this. Myself respect is not worth the

1168
01:03:02,360 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 1: emotional turmoil that comes from allowing this kind of behavior.

1169
01:03:06,440 --> 01:03:09,720
Speaker 1: That's really hard. That's really hard. You have to choose

1170
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:13,360
Speaker 1: your self respect over your desire to be chosen or

1171
01:03:13,400 --> 01:03:18,040
Speaker 1: your desire to not be alone. That's that's paramount. Absolutely.

1172
01:03:18,600 --> 01:03:21,560
Speaker 3: Is there such a thing as the one or a soulmate?

1173
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:29,680
Speaker 1: The one is the one that you choose. The one

1174
01:03:29,920 --> 01:03:37,960
Speaker 1: is the person whose natural essence compliments yours in a

1175
01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:44,840
Speaker 1: way that makes love and growth a little bit easier,

1176
01:03:45,120 --> 01:03:49,440
Speaker 1: a little bit, right, it's a little bit. Sometimes it's

1177
01:03:49,440 --> 01:03:55,360
Speaker 1: still hard, but ideally you choose well. You use discernment

1178
01:03:55,400 --> 01:04:00,800
Speaker 1: in the beginning. You admire someone's integrity, you really suspect them,

1179
01:04:01,240 --> 01:04:07,600
Speaker 1: you really cherish them, you like them, which is often

1180
01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:12,800
Speaker 1: an overlooked one. You know, it's he's he's this tall

1181
01:04:12,920 --> 01:04:15,760
Speaker 1: and it makes this much money, so he'll be the one. Well, okay,

1182
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:16,240
Speaker 1: but do you.

1183
01:04:16,200 --> 01:04:16,960
Speaker 3: Like the guys here?

1184
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:21,040
Speaker 1: That's really important. And then you build the relationship from there,

1185
01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:24,920
Speaker 1: respecting the other person, respecting yourself, and again creating this

1186
01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:28,280
Speaker 1: third entity. One thing I also think is overlooked when

1187
01:04:28,280 --> 01:04:32,320
Speaker 1: it comes to choosing the one and being the one.

1188
01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:35,120
Speaker 1: This is this is this works for both sides. You

1189
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:41,240
Speaker 1: need to be your partner, your person's biggest fan. I

1190
01:04:41,360 --> 01:04:45,280
Speaker 1: mean that with my whole heart. You need to be

1191
01:04:45,440 --> 01:04:49,800
Speaker 1: your partner's biggest fan. And if you can't, then you

1192
01:04:49,840 --> 01:04:52,439
Speaker 1: either need to check in on your insecurities. You either

1193
01:04:52,480 --> 01:04:55,360
Speaker 1: need to pay attention, or you've chosen the wrong person.

1194
01:04:57,000 --> 01:05:00,360
Speaker 1: If you don't want their dreams to come to true,

1195
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:03,320
Speaker 1: if you don't want them to succeed, if you don't

1196
01:05:03,440 --> 01:05:08,240
Speaker 1: want them to be their happiest best self, do not

1197
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:11,400
Speaker 1: promise to spend a lifetime with them. I really really

1198
01:05:11,400 --> 01:05:15,040
Speaker 1: think that that's important and not talked about enough. I

1199
01:05:15,080 --> 01:05:17,880
Speaker 1: don't hear that very much. We talk about the conflict stuff, right,

1200
01:05:17,960 --> 01:05:20,480
Speaker 1: we talk about how to handle boundaries and how to

1201
01:05:20,520 --> 01:05:23,560
Speaker 1: do all of that. But you want someone in your corner.

1202
01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:25,920
Speaker 1: You want someone in your corner on your worst days,

1203
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,040
Speaker 1: on your best days, and you want to feel like

1204
01:05:28,080 --> 01:05:30,480
Speaker 1: you're on the same team. And I deeply believe you

1205
01:05:30,520 --> 01:05:33,480
Speaker 1: need to be your your person's biggest fan and that

1206
01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:37,760
Speaker 1: contributes to them being the one and building the right relationship.

1207
01:05:54,200 --> 01:05:55,960
Speaker 2: When you were saying that, it was reminding me of

1208
01:05:56,120 --> 01:06:01,400
Speaker 2: wedding vows, and I was thinking about how we spend

1209
01:06:01,600 --> 01:06:07,320
Speaker 2: so long planning a wedding and not building a marriage

1210
01:06:08,160 --> 01:06:10,560
Speaker 2: and just the discrepancy between the two, even how long

1211
01:06:10,600 --> 01:06:13,840
Speaker 2: you'll take to write your vowels, but then to live

1212
01:06:13,920 --> 01:06:16,520
Speaker 2: up to those vowels takes a whole different set of skills,

1213
01:06:17,480 --> 01:06:21,080
Speaker 2: and we don't really put that much effort into building

1214
01:06:21,080 --> 01:06:26,000
Speaker 2: those skills and working on those parts those maintaining those skills.

1215
01:06:27,040 --> 01:06:30,520
Speaker 2: How do you know if you're in love with someone

1216
01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:32,840
Speaker 2: or just the idea of them?

1217
01:06:33,280 --> 01:06:35,040
Speaker 1: How do you know if you're in love with someone

1218
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:38,160
Speaker 1: or just the idea of them? Is there a difference

1219
01:06:39,000 --> 01:06:43,320
Speaker 1: between how you wish they would be and how they

1220
01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:44,080
Speaker 1: actually are?

1221
01:06:45,240 --> 01:06:45,400
Speaker 3: How?

1222
01:06:45,440 --> 01:06:52,000
Speaker 1: Why does that gap? How much of the relationship do

1223
01:06:52,040 --> 01:06:56,400
Speaker 1: you actually enjoy versus how much time are you spending

1224
01:06:57,080 --> 01:07:00,320
Speaker 1: trying to change them, trying to change the dynamic. I

1225
01:07:00,440 --> 01:07:03,800
Speaker 1: like to say, if you allow your person to be

1226
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:08,320
Speaker 1: exactly who they want to be, without molding them, without

1227
01:07:08,360 --> 01:07:11,560
Speaker 1: controlling them, without micromanaging them, but you allow them to

1228
01:07:11,600 --> 01:07:14,640
Speaker 1: show up just as they are, does that help you

1229
01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:18,200
Speaker 1: feel more or less like the person you want to be?

1230
01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:20,960
Speaker 1: Does that feel more or less like the kind of

1231
01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:24,960
Speaker 1: relationship you want to be in. It doesn't mean it's perfect,

1232
01:07:25,080 --> 01:07:27,240
Speaker 1: doesn't mean it's all the time, But if you it

1233
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:30,720
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they won't change, doesn't mean you can't change.

1234
01:07:30,760 --> 01:07:32,640
Speaker 1: But if you really allow them to be, if you

1235
01:07:32,720 --> 01:07:36,320
Speaker 1: accept them for exactly who they are, does that help

1236
01:07:36,440 --> 01:07:41,600
Speaker 1: or hinder what you want love to feel like? That's

1237
01:07:41,640 --> 01:07:42,480
Speaker 1: one question asked.

1238
01:07:42,720 --> 01:07:45,720
Speaker 2: It's a great question. I love that question. It's such

1239
01:07:45,720 --> 01:07:50,120
Speaker 2: an important question because that is who you're with ninety

1240
01:07:50,120 --> 01:07:53,560
Speaker 2: percent of the time, and that is what you'll experience.

1241
01:07:53,640 --> 01:07:56,840
Speaker 2: And Yeah, if you're in love with the idea of them,

1242
01:07:56,920 --> 01:07:59,720
Speaker 2: then you're absolutely right. You answer to that question will

1243
01:07:59,760 --> 01:08:03,080
Speaker 2: be oh, because I want them to be a bit

1244
01:08:03,120 --> 01:08:05,120
Speaker 2: more this, a bit more that, a bit more this.

1245
01:08:05,360 --> 01:08:07,840
Speaker 1: And do you need a bit more? Is that bit

1246
01:08:07,920 --> 01:08:12,320
Speaker 1: more that you're missing really really important to you? If

1247
01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:14,360
Speaker 1: it is, by all means, do what you gotta do.

1248
01:08:14,560 --> 01:08:14,920
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1249
01:08:14,960 --> 01:08:16,759
Speaker 1: But I think a lot of times we fool ourselves

1250
01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:21,240
Speaker 1: into thinking that the little bits that we're missing are

1251
01:08:21,320 --> 01:08:27,400
Speaker 1: make or breaks, and we forget that loving someone is

1252
01:08:27,439 --> 01:08:32,160
Speaker 1: such an honor. And this is more so geared towards

1253
01:08:32,240 --> 01:08:36,000
Speaker 1: long term relationships marriages of sorts, but it's a real

1254
01:08:36,120 --> 01:08:38,519
Speaker 1: honor to be able to love someone through several seasons

1255
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:43,559
Speaker 1: of their life, to be able to be their support system,

1256
01:08:44,200 --> 01:08:46,400
Speaker 1: to be the smiling face that picks them up on

1257
01:08:46,439 --> 01:08:49,519
Speaker 1: a day when they feel shitty to be there, when

1258
01:08:50,080 --> 01:08:52,600
Speaker 1: they lose someone that they love, or they lose an opportunity,

1259
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:56,599
Speaker 1: or they hit their highest high to sit with them

1260
01:08:56,760 --> 01:08:59,840
Speaker 1: on a Sunday night on the couch every Sunday for

1261
01:09:00,120 --> 01:09:02,280
Speaker 1: years and years in aw. I mean, it's an honor

1262
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:06,280
Speaker 1: to love someone and to be there. And sometimes I

1263
01:09:06,439 --> 01:09:10,519
Speaker 1: just think we need to reframe the way that we

1264
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:15,040
Speaker 1: view the person we're with as a whole human all

1265
01:09:15,080 --> 01:09:17,439
Speaker 1: on their own, that we get the honor to love,

1266
01:09:19,360 --> 01:09:22,880
Speaker 1: and that tends, that tends to clear out a lot

1267
01:09:22,880 --> 01:09:24,639
Speaker 1: of the little bits that we aren't getting.

1268
01:09:24,960 --> 01:09:26,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's beautiful.

1269
01:09:26,280 --> 01:09:28,320
Speaker 1: You look at that person and you think, my god,

1270
01:09:28,400 --> 01:09:30,600
Speaker 1: I really do love them. Look at the way that

1271
01:09:30,680 --> 01:09:33,720
Speaker 1: they do the dishes or tie their shoes. I love

1272
01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:36,519
Speaker 1: the way that they drive, the way they dance to

1273
01:09:36,600 --> 01:09:38,719
Speaker 1: museic I love. I love to watch them get ready

1274
01:09:38,760 --> 01:09:41,800
Speaker 1: and put you know, do their morning routine whatever. Like,

1275
01:09:41,880 --> 01:09:44,680
Speaker 1: you just look at that human and remember that it's

1276
01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:48,960
Speaker 1: an honora to love them, and maybe that'll clear out

1277
01:09:48,960 --> 01:09:50,200
Speaker 1: some of the bits that you're missing.

1278
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:54,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you wish people lost themselves before they

1279
01:09:54,400 --> 01:09:54,880
Speaker 2: got married?

1280
01:09:56,080 --> 01:10:00,480
Speaker 1: Do I want to be a partner or do I

1281
01:10:00,520 --> 01:10:06,320
Speaker 1: want a spouse? And the difference there is when you

1282
01:10:06,520 --> 01:10:10,439
Speaker 1: want to be a partner, when you want to be

1283
01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:15,479
Speaker 1: someone's support system, when you want to be the co

1284
01:10:15,600 --> 01:10:18,960
Speaker 1: creator of the marriage that you're about to step into

1285
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:22,000
Speaker 1: the life that you're going to build. There's accountability and

1286
01:10:22,040 --> 01:10:29,559
Speaker 1: responsibility in that, and it really allows you to focus

1287
01:10:29,640 --> 01:10:34,960
Speaker 1: on what you can control, which is how you show up. Now,

1288
01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:38,280
Speaker 1: assuming you're walking walking to that altar and you know

1289
01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:41,080
Speaker 1: this person pretty damn well, and you've spent a good

1290
01:10:41,120 --> 01:10:44,519
Speaker 1: long time seeing who they are, understanding their heart, really

1291
01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:48,280
Speaker 1: caring for them, all of that, you're gonna have to

1292
01:10:48,360 --> 01:10:52,320
Speaker 1: remember that sometimes the best you can do is show

1293
01:10:52,400 --> 01:10:55,000
Speaker 1: up as the partner you want to be that you

1294
01:10:55,120 --> 01:10:58,880
Speaker 1: want to be, even if your seasons are are misaligned.

1295
01:10:59,520 --> 01:11:02,280
Speaker 1: Matthew Kaey has this great bit in a podcast that

1296
01:11:02,360 --> 01:11:04,879
Speaker 1: he did or He says, sometimes you're walking and they're running,

1297
01:11:05,200 --> 01:11:08,280
Speaker 1: and sometimes you're running and they're walking, and you just

1298
01:11:08,360 --> 01:11:10,400
Speaker 1: have to make sure that one doesn't get too far

1299
01:11:10,439 --> 01:11:13,120
Speaker 1: ahead of the other. And I love that. Yeah, I

1300
01:11:13,160 --> 01:11:13,599
Speaker 1: love him.

1301
01:11:13,680 --> 01:11:15,559
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, yeah, I love that too.

1302
01:11:15,600 --> 01:11:16,479
Speaker 1: I think that's well said.

1303
01:11:16,600 --> 01:11:19,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, And I think it's about how you communicate

1304
01:11:19,080 --> 01:11:21,759
Speaker 2: when you are that. I've always thought about it as

1305
01:11:22,560 --> 01:11:25,920
Speaker 2: sometimes me and my wife are driving to the same event,

1306
01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:28,920
Speaker 2: but we're driving separately. She's going to get there early

1307
01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:30,880
Speaker 2: and I'm going to be late, and so I'm on

1308
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:32,240
Speaker 2: the phone. I'm like, hey, I'm going to be late,

1309
01:11:32,880 --> 01:11:34,280
Speaker 2: and she's like, well, I'm going to be early. And

1310
01:11:34,320 --> 01:11:36,360
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, Well, do you want to wait for

1311
01:11:36,400 --> 01:11:38,360
Speaker 2: me because you want to go in together or do

1312
01:11:38,360 --> 01:11:39,679
Speaker 2: you want to go in without me and I'll follow

1313
01:11:39,680 --> 01:11:41,600
Speaker 2: you in there, And she's like, no, I want to

1314
01:11:41,640 --> 01:11:43,120
Speaker 2: wait for you to go in there together. And it's

1315
01:11:43,160 --> 01:11:45,840
Speaker 2: like you're both driving separately, but you're talking to each

1316
01:11:45,840 --> 01:11:49,840
Speaker 2: other the whole time about where you're at, and that's

1317
01:11:49,880 --> 01:11:52,800
Speaker 2: that conversation that calms you both down, rather than you

1318
01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:55,479
Speaker 2: have no idea what time that person's getting there. One

1319
01:11:55,479 --> 01:11:58,160
Speaker 2: of the challenges I find is that everyone wants a

1320
01:11:58,160 --> 01:12:00,000
Speaker 2: lot of what I hear is people want their partner

1321
01:12:00,200 --> 01:12:02,800
Speaker 2: to talk to them more emotionally and tell them more.

1322
01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:06,760
Speaker 2: And there's a lot of people who don't want to

1323
01:12:06,800 --> 01:12:09,200
Speaker 2: do that, or don't know how to do that, or

1324
01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:11,880
Speaker 2: don't feel the need for it. And the person who

1325
01:12:11,880 --> 01:12:14,360
Speaker 2: wants to talk, kind of gets a bit annoyed and

1326
01:12:14,400 --> 01:12:18,120
Speaker 2: frustrated and upset that their partner won't talk. What's your

1327
01:12:18,120 --> 01:12:19,480
Speaker 2: advice in that scenario?

1328
01:12:20,040 --> 01:12:23,760
Speaker 1: What's the loving thing to do? You know? And that

1329
01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:28,120
Speaker 1: probably requires both sides of the aisle to adjust a

1330
01:12:28,160 --> 01:12:30,320
Speaker 1: little bit. You're not going to get perfect words all

1331
01:12:30,360 --> 01:12:32,479
Speaker 1: the time. It's not going to happen, and you're going

1332
01:12:32,560 --> 01:12:35,240
Speaker 1: to have to give imperfect words a lot of the time.

1333
01:12:35,760 --> 01:12:38,240
Speaker 1: You're going to have to try. My aunt and uncle

1334
01:12:39,040 --> 01:12:43,120
Speaker 1: are in their mid seventies early seventies. They've been married

1335
01:12:43,160 --> 01:12:45,600
Speaker 1: for twenty five thirty or something like that, and we

1336
01:12:45,600 --> 01:12:48,000
Speaker 1: were just having a conversation the other night. I was

1337
01:12:48,040 --> 01:12:51,479
Speaker 1: asking my uncle John, I said, what is your secret

1338
01:12:52,000 --> 01:12:54,000
Speaker 1: to the what's the magic? How has this happened? They're

1339
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:58,200
Speaker 1: probably the happiest couple I know. Incredible And he said,

1340
01:12:59,120 --> 01:13:01,400
Speaker 1: she tells me what she wants to hear, and I

1341
01:13:01,439 --> 01:13:04,400
Speaker 1: repeat it back to her and he meant Jay, He

1342
01:13:04,439 --> 01:13:06,439
Speaker 1: meant it with his full chest. I've seen them do it.

1343
01:13:06,920 --> 01:13:09,200
Speaker 1: My aunt Beth will say, I need you to tell

1344
01:13:09,240 --> 01:13:12,439
Speaker 1: me that this is going to be okay. You hear me.

1345
01:13:12,760 --> 01:13:15,200
Speaker 1: You've got my back, and you've got it covered, and

1346
01:13:15,240 --> 01:13:18,000
Speaker 1: he will recite it right back to her word for word,

1347
01:13:18,439 --> 01:13:21,160
Speaker 1: and they say, Okay, I love you and leave it there,

1348
01:13:21,320 --> 01:13:23,120
Speaker 1: and some to and some people will think, but if

1349
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:24,960
Speaker 1: I have to say it, if I have to tell

1350
01:13:25,000 --> 01:13:27,960
Speaker 1: them what to say, it doesn't matter. It erodes the

1351
01:13:28,040 --> 01:13:31,280
Speaker 1: value and this, that and the other. If your person

1352
01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:35,080
Speaker 1: is asking to be loved in a specific way, put

1353
01:13:35,080 --> 01:13:37,519
Speaker 1: your stuff aside and show up so the best of

1354
01:13:37,560 --> 01:13:39,960
Speaker 1: your ability. It will not be perfect all the time,

1355
01:13:40,040 --> 01:13:43,679
Speaker 1: it's sure as hell won't. But do the loving thing,

1356
01:13:44,200 --> 01:13:46,639
Speaker 1: and that is typically to show up in the ways

1357
01:13:46,680 --> 01:13:49,120
Speaker 1: that your partner is explicitly asking you to. If you

1358
01:13:49,160 --> 01:13:52,360
Speaker 1: want bonus points, anticipate some of those needs right, pay

1359
01:13:52,400 --> 01:13:54,759
Speaker 1: attention and try to do it without having to be asked,

1360
01:13:55,720 --> 01:14:01,160
Speaker 1: But don't knock the direct communication. And then choose the

1361
01:14:01,240 --> 01:14:01,920
Speaker 1: loving thing to do.

1362
01:14:02,320 --> 01:14:08,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, How do you start to trust yourself again

1363
01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:12,280
Speaker 2: when someone breaks up with you that you thought you

1364
01:14:12,320 --> 01:14:13,719
Speaker 2: were going to be with for a long time.

1365
01:14:14,439 --> 01:14:18,799
Speaker 1: Well, step one. Grieve. You know, there's an acute phase

1366
01:14:18,800 --> 01:14:23,120
Speaker 1: of heartbreak where you don't have to do anything right

1367
01:14:23,439 --> 01:14:26,120
Speaker 1: or well, you can just be That's step number one,

1368
01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:30,480
Speaker 1: especially if it's a breakup after a long long relationship.

1369
01:14:31,040 --> 01:14:36,559
Speaker 1: The next step is reflection. You know, right now, the

1370
01:14:36,600 --> 01:14:40,240
Speaker 1: story might be they left me, they didn't love me,

1371
01:14:40,840 --> 01:14:43,639
Speaker 1: all those years were wasted. How could I have done that?

1372
01:14:43,680 --> 01:14:48,439
Speaker 1: I should have known, right, I must be disposable. It's

1373
01:14:48,479 --> 01:14:52,679
Speaker 1: a lot that's harsh. There's more color in that story.

1374
01:14:53,320 --> 01:14:56,000
Speaker 1: So what were some of the red flags or some

1375
01:14:56,080 --> 01:14:59,040
Speaker 1: of the even just the disconnection, the things that weren't working.

1376
01:14:59,560 --> 01:15:03,640
Speaker 1: Takes some accountability in that, you know, I didn't communicate

1377
01:15:03,680 --> 01:15:05,640
Speaker 1: as well as I really wish that I would have,

1378
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:08,479
Speaker 1: Or you know what, I stayed way too long because

1379
01:15:08,479 --> 01:15:11,000
Speaker 1: I tried to communicate and that person wasn't meeting me.

1380
01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:15,559
Speaker 1: That was really difficult. Take some accountability around how you

1381
01:15:15,640 --> 01:15:20,240
Speaker 1: may have contributed what you want in your relationship moving forward,

1382
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:24,840
Speaker 1: and more so focusing on who you want to be

1383
01:15:25,160 --> 01:15:27,479
Speaker 1: now that that chapter has closed, Because I can tell

1384
01:15:27,520 --> 01:15:30,160
Speaker 1: you one thing, the person who was for you is

1385
01:15:30,200 --> 01:15:33,679
Speaker 1: the person who wants to be with you. If they

1386
01:15:33,720 --> 01:15:37,920
Speaker 1: aren't willing to try, they're definitely not your person. And

1387
01:15:38,000 --> 01:15:42,479
Speaker 1: I think that most things, most relationships can be worked

1388
01:15:42,479 --> 01:15:45,920
Speaker 1: out if two people are willing if you want it to,

1389
01:15:46,640 --> 01:15:50,680
Speaker 1: barring some extreme cases, but if they're not willing, they're

1390
01:15:50,720 --> 01:15:55,000
Speaker 1: not your person now. When it comes to moving on specifically,

1391
01:15:56,479 --> 01:15:59,760
Speaker 1: I always say stop trying, because we think that if

1392
01:15:59,800 --> 01:16:02,080
Speaker 1: if I just do all of these steps, I have

1393
01:16:02,120 --> 01:16:03,519
Speaker 1: to do this in the morning and this at night,

1394
01:16:03,520 --> 01:16:05,280
Speaker 1: and this is my evening routine, and then I'll wake

1395
01:16:05,360 --> 01:16:07,640
Speaker 1: up someday and I'll be moved on, as if it's

1396
01:16:07,680 --> 01:16:12,679
Speaker 1: a destination. As I imagine yourself tomorrow morning, you wake

1397
01:16:12,760 --> 01:16:14,880
Speaker 1: up and you get what you wanted. You want to

1398
01:16:14,920 --> 01:16:18,320
Speaker 1: move on. You want to trust yourself again. If you

1399
01:16:18,439 --> 01:16:21,720
Speaker 1: knew for certain that you would wake up tomorrow and

1400
01:16:21,760 --> 01:16:24,160
Speaker 1: that was your reality, what would you do with yourself?

1401
01:16:24,200 --> 01:16:25,360
Speaker 3: Oh, that's such a good question.

1402
01:16:25,840 --> 01:16:28,040
Speaker 1: What would you think about, how would you spend your time,

1403
01:16:28,360 --> 01:16:31,519
Speaker 1: what would you invest your energy into, Who would you

1404
01:16:31,520 --> 01:16:33,360
Speaker 1: spend your time with, What would you think about, what

1405
01:16:33,360 --> 01:16:36,240
Speaker 1: would you talk about? And then just start to do

1406
01:16:36,320 --> 01:16:39,240
Speaker 1: some of those things. Bring the grief with you. It's

1407
01:16:39,280 --> 01:16:41,040
Speaker 1: probably not going to happen as fast as you want

1408
01:16:41,080 --> 01:16:43,360
Speaker 1: it to. But you want a direction. You want a

1409
01:16:43,400 --> 01:16:45,439
Speaker 1: clearer vision of where you're going so that you can

1410
01:16:45,479 --> 01:16:46,360
Speaker 1: head in that direction.

1411
01:16:46,760 --> 01:16:47,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, so good.

1412
01:16:48,240 --> 01:16:51,519
Speaker 2: That's such a good answer, because, yeah, all the little

1413
01:16:51,560 --> 01:16:53,960
Speaker 2: tips and tricks to try and move on quick. It

1414
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,960
Speaker 2: doesn't process like that. And I love the idea of

1415
01:16:57,360 --> 01:17:00,439
Speaker 2: what would your life look like if you'd already moved on,

1416
01:17:00,520 --> 01:17:03,559
Speaker 2: because that's what you're waiting for. You're waiting for that anyway,

1417
01:17:03,560 --> 01:17:05,439
Speaker 2: You're waiting for the day you've moved on and you

1418
01:17:05,439 --> 01:17:08,799
Speaker 2: can say I'm over it and I'm ready for whatever.

1419
01:17:09,360 --> 01:17:11,360
Speaker 3: What is it? What does that look like? And start

1420
01:17:11,400 --> 01:17:12,919
Speaker 3: mirroring that today. That's brilliant.

1421
01:17:12,920 --> 01:17:14,960
Speaker 1: You want the thing, right, I just want to move on?

1422
01:17:15,400 --> 01:17:17,439
Speaker 1: What does that even mean to you? It's like, let's

1423
01:17:17,479 --> 01:17:21,280
Speaker 1: define it. That gives you something to move towards. Yes,

1424
01:17:21,320 --> 01:17:24,480
Speaker 1: which is so important. And moving on doesn't even necessarily

1425
01:17:24,479 --> 01:17:27,200
Speaker 1: mean that you don't care. You might still care, Yes,

1426
01:17:27,280 --> 01:17:28,479
Speaker 1: you might care about that person for the rest of

1427
01:17:28,560 --> 01:17:28,840
Speaker 1: your life.

1428
01:17:28,960 --> 01:17:29,200
Speaker 2: Yes.

1429
01:17:29,640 --> 01:17:32,800
Speaker 1: But you want to build whatever your next chapter is

1430
01:17:32,840 --> 01:17:37,439
Speaker 1: to be as enjoyable and intentional as possible. Yes, And

1431
01:17:37,479 --> 01:17:38,880
Speaker 1: that gives you somewhere to go.

1432
01:17:39,080 --> 01:17:39,360
Speaker 3: Yes.

1433
01:17:40,360 --> 01:17:43,040
Speaker 2: And mostly I was coaching someone earlier this year and

1434
01:17:43,080 --> 01:17:45,559
Speaker 2: they were going through a breakup. And the first month

1435
01:17:45,600 --> 01:17:48,920
Speaker 2: they broke up, they talked about it every day. The

1436
01:17:48,960 --> 01:17:51,679
Speaker 2: second month after they broke up, they talked about every

1437
01:17:51,680 --> 01:17:55,200
Speaker 2: other day. The third month they talked about it every

1438
01:17:55,600 --> 01:17:58,479
Speaker 2: three days. The fourth month, they talked about it once

1439
01:17:58,479 --> 01:18:01,640
Speaker 2: a week, and the fifth month they thought about it

1440
01:18:01,680 --> 01:18:06,240
Speaker 2: once a month. And I had to remind them of that,

1441
01:18:06,920 --> 01:18:09,959
Speaker 2: because to them, every reminder was as sharp as remembering

1442
01:18:09,960 --> 01:18:13,320
Speaker 2: it every day. And I like people to think about

1443
01:18:13,360 --> 01:18:15,080
Speaker 2: it like that. You're not trying to get to a

1444
01:18:15,120 --> 01:18:17,880
Speaker 2: point where tomorrow you don't think.

1445
01:18:17,720 --> 01:18:19,400
Speaker 3: About it at all.

1446
01:18:19,560 --> 01:18:22,280
Speaker 2: You're just thinking about it less because your life looks

1447
01:18:22,320 --> 01:18:23,920
Speaker 2: like how you want it to be and what it

1448
01:18:23,920 --> 01:18:26,360
Speaker 2: would be like if you were free. And I've always

1449
01:18:26,600 --> 01:18:28,920
Speaker 2: thought about that mindset, even when I've had Even when

1450
01:18:28,920 --> 01:18:30,960
Speaker 2: you think about physical pain, if you want to wake

1451
01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:33,559
Speaker 2: up tomorrow and you've had surgery or you're hurt or

1452
01:18:33,560 --> 01:18:35,679
Speaker 2: whatever and you want to be completely healed, it would

1453
01:18:35,680 --> 01:18:38,160
Speaker 2: never happen. You'll only ever be one percent better if

1454
01:18:38,200 --> 01:18:41,000
Speaker 2: you did all the right things. And as soon as

1455
01:18:41,040 --> 01:18:42,640
Speaker 2: you accept that, all I need to do is be

1456
01:18:42,720 --> 01:18:44,679
Speaker 2: one percent better today, all of a sudden you see

1457
01:18:44,680 --> 01:18:46,880
Speaker 2: that progress. But when you're looking to be one hundred

1458
01:18:46,920 --> 01:18:50,080
Speaker 2: percent better and you aren't, now you feel ninety nine

1459
01:18:50,080 --> 01:18:53,800
Speaker 2: percent behind, and it just becomes so amplified. And that's

1460
01:18:53,840 --> 01:18:56,120
Speaker 2: what it feels like to be wanting to heal from

1461
01:18:56,120 --> 01:18:58,160
Speaker 2: a breakup, and you're constantly feeling on why haven't I

1462
01:18:58,240 --> 01:18:58,800
Speaker 2: healed yet?

1463
01:18:58,960 --> 01:19:00,000
Speaker 3: That's that ninety percent.

1464
01:19:00,560 --> 01:19:06,160
Speaker 1: And oftentimes there are beliefs, almost almost identities that we

1465
01:19:06,320 --> 01:19:10,240
Speaker 1: find ourselves trying to finding ourselves wrestling with when a

1466
01:19:10,280 --> 01:19:13,840
Speaker 1: breakup happens. No one will choose me. I'm never good enough,

1467
01:19:13,920 --> 01:19:16,240
Speaker 1: Nothing that I do is good enough. No one will stay.

1468
01:19:16,439 --> 01:19:18,599
Speaker 1: It was all my fault or it was all their fault.

1469
01:19:18,680 --> 01:19:22,760
Speaker 1: How could they? And we find these these absolutes that

1470
01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:28,479
Speaker 1: are really really difficult to do anything productive with. Truly,

1471
01:19:28,520 --> 01:19:30,800
Speaker 1: I mean, it doesn't it doesn't make you feel better emotionally.

1472
01:19:31,200 --> 01:19:34,719
Speaker 1: You can't really move yourself forward from there. And that's

1473
01:19:34,720 --> 01:19:37,960
Speaker 1: what I say about. Just be be malleable with the

1474
01:19:38,000 --> 01:19:41,400
Speaker 1: story for a while, for the first month, for the

1475
01:19:41,439 --> 01:19:45,600
Speaker 1: first one, at a maybe at a question mark to

1476
01:19:45,640 --> 01:19:49,000
Speaker 1: the end of that, like I'm difficult to love question mark.

1477
01:19:49,880 --> 01:19:51,640
Speaker 3: Just just just.

1478
01:19:51,760 --> 01:19:56,679
Speaker 1: Don't wrestle with the absolutes. Give yourself time and space

1479
01:19:56,720 --> 01:20:00,599
Speaker 1: to consider another narrative, because I promise you there's color,

1480
01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:04,320
Speaker 1: there's nuance in that they didn't leave. Because you're hard

1481
01:20:04,320 --> 01:20:07,960
Speaker 1: to love someone choosing not to love you is not

1482
01:20:08,000 --> 01:20:11,599
Speaker 1: a reflection of how lovable or unlovable you are, so

1483
01:20:11,680 --> 01:20:15,080
Speaker 1: you know that, don't wrestle with the absolute. Give yourself

1484
01:20:15,120 --> 01:20:17,679
Speaker 1: time and space would be another piece of advice.

1485
01:20:17,720 --> 01:20:21,160
Speaker 3: I like the question mark that's good. Yeah, it's true,

1486
01:20:21,200 --> 01:20:23,760
Speaker 3: it's true, it's totally true. It's totally true. I love

1487
01:20:23,800 --> 01:20:26,760
Speaker 3: that Q. Have you ever had your heartbroken.

1488
01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:34,200
Speaker 1: Many times in many different ways? Yeah, and it's a

1489
01:20:34,439 --> 01:20:40,320
Speaker 1: I have an interesting relationship with grief now, and in

1490
01:20:40,400 --> 01:20:42,639
Speaker 1: part of course, my mom is a big part of that.

1491
01:20:42,720 --> 01:20:49,120
Speaker 1: But losing relationships and growing through heartbreak has always been

1492
01:20:49,160 --> 01:20:52,760
Speaker 1: a catalyst for me. And I don't say that as

1493
01:20:53,439 --> 01:20:56,360
Speaker 1: like I'm so high and mighty and this is so impressive. No,

1494
01:20:56,439 --> 01:21:00,519
Speaker 1: it's usually quite ugly, and it's usually quite messy to

1495
01:21:01,000 --> 01:21:03,519
Speaker 1: really look at yourself and put the pieces back together

1496
01:21:03,760 --> 01:21:07,080
Speaker 1: and try to move on. But I've always come out

1497
01:21:07,120 --> 01:21:12,360
Speaker 1: the other side liking myself more, accepting uglier parts of

1498
01:21:12,400 --> 01:21:14,960
Speaker 1: myself that I don't think I accepted previously.

1499
01:21:15,680 --> 01:21:15,800
Speaker 2: Did.

1500
01:21:15,840 --> 01:21:18,479
Speaker 1: You got to take a real look at why you

1501
01:21:18,479 --> 01:21:21,200
Speaker 1: did what you did, how you showed up the people

1502
01:21:21,240 --> 01:21:25,240
Speaker 1: that you chose, and sometimes that means accepting like, man,

1503
01:21:25,360 --> 01:21:28,840
Speaker 1: I've been I haven't been making the best choices and

1504
01:21:29,439 --> 01:21:31,160
Speaker 1: you have to love that, you have to accept that,

1505
01:21:31,840 --> 01:21:38,080
Speaker 1: and it expands your capacity in a way that allows

1506
01:21:38,120 --> 01:21:41,840
Speaker 1: for the emotional flexibility we were talking about earlier, where

1507
01:21:42,840 --> 01:21:48,000
Speaker 1: the deepest heartbreak losing my mom, losing people that I

1508
01:21:48,120 --> 01:21:50,120
Speaker 1: thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

1509
01:21:50,439 --> 01:21:57,240
Speaker 1: Losing that makes everything else a little bit easier to process.

1510
01:21:57,280 --> 01:22:03,040
Speaker 1: If I can survive that, survive a lot, a lot,

1511
01:22:03,560 --> 01:22:06,519
Speaker 1: and I've been there through all of that. I've picked

1512
01:22:06,520 --> 01:22:09,000
Speaker 1: myself back up. I've built a support system of people

1513
01:22:09,040 --> 01:22:12,360
Speaker 1: who remind me of that when when I forget rights.

1514
01:22:12,960 --> 01:22:15,760
Speaker 1: But I really learned to like myself. I really learned

1515
01:22:15,800 --> 01:22:20,240
Speaker 1: to trust myself, and I really learned that there can

1516
01:22:20,320 --> 01:22:25,280
Speaker 1: be beauty in the mess if you stay put and

1517
01:22:25,320 --> 01:22:29,920
Speaker 1: go through it long enough to find the bigger story,

1518
01:22:30,080 --> 01:22:32,120
Speaker 1: the bigger meaning, the bigger narrative.

1519
01:22:32,560 --> 01:22:32,800
Speaker 3: Que.

1520
01:22:32,800 --> 01:22:36,320
Speaker 2: We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.

1521
01:22:36,640 --> 01:22:38,759
Speaker 2: These five questions have to be answered in one word

1522
01:22:38,800 --> 01:22:41,720
Speaker 2: to one sentence maximum and so Q these are your

1523
01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:44,439
Speaker 2: final five. The first question is what is the best

1524
01:22:44,760 --> 01:22:46,799
Speaker 2: love advice you've ever heard or received?

1525
01:22:48,040 --> 01:22:52,960
Speaker 1: Do the loving thing, Comma and choose appreciation.

1526
01:22:54,760 --> 01:22:58,400
Speaker 3: You can do that. That was that was very well done.

1527
01:22:58,800 --> 01:23:01,920
Speaker 2: Second question what is the worst love advice you've ever

1528
01:23:01,960 --> 01:23:02,719
Speaker 2: heard or received?

1529
01:23:02,760 --> 01:23:08,360
Speaker 1: Match their energy? Two wrongs don't make it right. That's

1530
01:23:08,400 --> 01:23:13,280
Speaker 1: the reality. You don't matching someone's energy means you're handing

1531
01:23:13,320 --> 01:23:16,839
Speaker 1: over your power. Your power is in how you respond.

1532
01:23:17,360 --> 01:23:21,559
Speaker 1: Your power is in your intention. Are you going to

1533
01:23:21,600 --> 01:23:24,360
Speaker 1: add more negativity to a situation you don't already you

1534
01:23:24,400 --> 01:23:28,320
Speaker 1: already don't like, Maybe you can choose how you want

1535
01:23:28,360 --> 01:23:33,439
Speaker 1: to respond rather than matching someone's energy, And even more so,

1536
01:23:33,640 --> 01:23:37,600
Speaker 1: maybe your love, your decision to meet them in a

1537
01:23:37,640 --> 01:23:40,320
Speaker 1: way that they can't seem to meet themselves in that moment,

1538
01:23:40,400 --> 01:23:41,360
Speaker 1: is exactly what they need.

1539
01:23:43,200 --> 01:23:46,559
Speaker 2: Love that I always say to people, you don't you

1540
01:23:46,600 --> 01:23:49,639
Speaker 2: don't mess up your living room just because someone messes

1541
01:23:49,680 --> 01:23:50,160
Speaker 2: coming over.

1542
01:23:50,800 --> 01:23:53,280
Speaker 3: Yes, guy, just don't do that.

1543
01:23:54,040 --> 01:23:57,120
Speaker 2: I'm not going to match that energy because then I'm

1544
01:23:57,160 --> 01:24:00,640
Speaker 2: going to start walking over my rugs with my dirt issues. Right, Like,

1545
01:24:00,640 --> 01:24:02,720
Speaker 2: why would I do that just because someone's coming over.

1546
01:24:02,800 --> 01:24:04,479
Speaker 2: It's like, No, they're messy person.

1547
01:24:04,520 --> 01:24:04,960
Speaker 3: That's fine.

1548
01:24:04,960 --> 01:24:08,320
Speaker 2: That's their mind and their space, and I'm not going

1549
01:24:08,360 --> 01:24:11,160
Speaker 2: to messy up my mind because we're interacting.

1550
01:24:11,320 --> 01:24:14,920
Speaker 1: It's a very inauthentic way to move through the world.

1551
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:16,920
Speaker 1: To build relationships absolutely.

1552
01:24:17,840 --> 01:24:21,439
Speaker 2: Question number three, what did you used to believe to

1553
01:24:21,479 --> 01:24:24,360
Speaker 2: be true about love and romance that you don't anymore?

1554
01:24:25,720 --> 01:24:30,360
Speaker 1: I used to believe that love, the feeling was enough.

1555
01:24:30,960 --> 01:24:35,880
Speaker 1: It's fantastical, it's alluring, right that someone will show up

1556
01:24:35,920 --> 01:24:39,559
Speaker 1: and your whole life will be better everything. You'll be

1557
01:24:39,600 --> 01:24:42,559
Speaker 1: whisked away by their love and live happily ever after.

1558
01:24:43,360 --> 01:24:47,839
Speaker 1: That's not a story that you really want. You know,

1559
01:24:47,600 --> 01:24:53,920
Speaker 1: you want to build a relationship intentionally. You want to

1560
01:24:54,040 --> 01:24:56,840
Speaker 1: choose to give love and to build love and to

1561
01:24:56,920 --> 01:25:01,120
Speaker 1: build this relationship. And sometimes it takes those those shitty moments,

1562
01:25:01,160 --> 01:25:03,720
Speaker 1: those really tough moments, to remind you how much you

1563
01:25:03,880 --> 01:25:06,360
Speaker 1: value the really good moments. And I think if love

1564
01:25:06,479 --> 01:25:08,920
Speaker 1: was just a feeling, we would miss a lot of that.

1565
01:25:09,760 --> 01:25:16,080
Speaker 1: Love is consideration, the action, the willingness to continue showing

1566
01:25:16,160 --> 01:25:19,479
Speaker 1: up and creating more of it.

1567
01:25:20,520 --> 01:25:20,720
Speaker 3: Love.

1568
01:25:20,760 --> 01:25:23,680
Speaker 2: That question of before, what's something that you used to

1569
01:25:23,800 --> 01:25:25,799
Speaker 2: value that you don't value anymore?

1570
01:25:26,720 --> 01:25:31,719
Speaker 1: Being understood. People can really only meet you as deeply

1571
01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:35,559
Speaker 1: as they've met themselves, which means that some people simply

1572
01:25:35,560 --> 01:25:38,960
Speaker 1: won't have the ability to understand you. And that's okay.

1573
01:25:39,960 --> 01:25:44,679
Speaker 1: You don't need to fight to be heard, to be seen,

1574
01:25:45,080 --> 01:25:50,679
Speaker 1: to be approved of. Sometimes it's just okay to say

1575
01:25:51,800 --> 01:25:57,160
Speaker 1: we don't agree. I don't think you to understand, and let.

1576
01:25:57,120 --> 01:26:00,880
Speaker 2: It be Love that oka fIF question. We asked this

1577
01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:03,120
Speaker 2: to every guest who's ever been on the show. If

1578
01:26:03,160 --> 01:26:05,639
Speaker 2: you could create one law that everyone in the world

1579
01:26:05,680 --> 01:26:07,160
Speaker 2: had to follow, what would it be.

1580
01:26:10,000 --> 01:26:19,400
Speaker 1: To live within your integrity, to decide for each person individually?

1581
01:26:19,439 --> 01:26:23,400
Speaker 1: Like what is right to you? What kind of person

1582
01:26:23,479 --> 01:26:25,760
Speaker 1: do you want to be? What is true for you

1583
01:26:25,760 --> 01:26:29,439
Speaker 1: your truths? What kind of person do you strive to

1584
01:26:29,520 --> 01:26:32,920
Speaker 1: be so much so that it feels in your bones,

1585
01:26:32,960 --> 01:26:36,360
Speaker 1: in your heart just right. I wish it was a

1586
01:26:36,439 --> 01:26:38,920
Speaker 1: law that everyone had to figure out what that meant

1587
01:26:39,000 --> 01:26:43,440
Speaker 1: to them, and then they had to act on it consistently,

1588
01:26:43,439 --> 01:26:48,200
Speaker 1: because I really believe that most, if not all, of

1589
01:26:48,280 --> 01:26:52,600
Speaker 1: us would choose to be good people, would choose to

1590
01:26:52,680 --> 01:27:00,640
Speaker 1: make value based decisions, kind decisions, loving decisions, not fear based, hurtful,

1591
01:27:00,920 --> 01:27:03,400
Speaker 1: destructive decisions. I really believe that if we were all

1592
01:27:03,479 --> 01:27:06,120
Speaker 1: living within integrity, if we had the courage to understand

1593
01:27:06,200 --> 01:27:10,120
Speaker 1: that for ourselves, that we would do a lot of good.

1594
01:27:10,439 --> 01:27:14,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that that would be lot you. Thank

1595
01:27:14,360 --> 01:27:15,120
Speaker 3: you so much.

1596
01:27:15,520 --> 01:27:18,160
Speaker 2: Everyone has been listening and watching, whether you're walking your dog,

1597
01:27:18,200 --> 01:27:20,879
Speaker 2: whether you're driving to or from work, whether you're cooking.

1598
01:27:21,479 --> 01:27:24,120
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful that you joined us. Please make sure

1599
01:27:24,160 --> 01:27:28,600
Speaker 2: that you follow Quinlan Welfare on social media across platforms.

1600
01:27:28,760 --> 01:27:31,519
Speaker 2: And I want to know what resonated with you. I

1601
01:27:31,520 --> 01:27:33,439
Speaker 2: want to know what connected with you, So tag us

1602
01:27:33,439 --> 01:27:36,760
Speaker 2: both take the clips, post them, let us know what resonated,

1603
01:27:36,800 --> 01:27:39,280
Speaker 2: what really got through to you. Share this with a

1604
01:27:39,320 --> 01:27:41,320
Speaker 2: friend who may be going through a breakup issue, maybe

1605
01:27:41,360 --> 01:27:43,479
Speaker 2: moving in with someone, maybe a friend's getting married soon.

1606
01:27:43,720 --> 01:27:45,719
Speaker 2: This could be one of those episodes that I think

1607
01:27:46,120 --> 01:27:48,200
Speaker 2: you can listen to, your friends and family can listen

1608
01:27:48,200 --> 01:27:50,360
Speaker 2: to and connect with no matter where they are on

1609
01:27:50,400 --> 01:27:52,920
Speaker 2: their love and romance journey. And again, Cuth, thank you

1610
01:27:53,000 --> 01:27:55,600
Speaker 2: so much for showing up so authentically. It was so

1611
01:27:55,760 --> 01:27:58,000
Speaker 2: great to just go back and forth with you and

1612
01:27:58,040 --> 01:27:59,920
Speaker 2: dissect so many different themes and topic.

1613
01:28:00,320 --> 01:28:01,920
Speaker 3: I'm so grateful to spend time with you. A calm

1614
01:28:01,960 --> 01:28:02,679
Speaker 3: wait to have you back.

1615
01:28:02,880 --> 01:28:04,360
Speaker 1: Thank you, Jan It's such a pleasure.

1616
01:28:04,439 --> 01:28:05,360
Speaker 3: Thanks appreciate it.

1617
01:28:05,520 --> 01:28:09,000
Speaker 2: Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check

1618
01:28:09,040 --> 01:28:13,000
Speaker 2: out my episode with the world's leading therapist Laurie Gottlieb,

1619
01:28:13,240 --> 01:28:16,640
Speaker 2: where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in

1620
01:28:16,720 --> 01:28:21,400
Speaker 2: therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

1621
01:28:21,760 --> 01:28:24,120
Speaker 2: If you're trying to figure out that space right now,

1622
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:26,400
Speaker 2: you won't want to miss this conversation.

1623
01:28:26,800 --> 01:28:31,120
Speaker 3: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard

1624
01:28:31,160 --> 01:28:31,719
Speaker 3: to argue.

1625
01:28:31,800 --> 01:28:35,360
Speaker 1: It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as

1626
01:28:35,360 --> 01:28:37,559
Speaker 1: you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.