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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new and

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Speaker 1: don't know what couch Talks is, it is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that you guys send to me and you can send

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Speaker 1: those to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: Now a quick reminder before we get into today's question

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Speaker 1: that although I'm answering your questions, this still does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a replacement or a substitute for any actual

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Speaker 1: mental health services. But we always hope that it can

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Speaker 1: help in some way. So we usually do one question

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Speaker 1: a week and I keep them anonymous so you don't

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Speaker 1: have to worry about anybody knowing it was you, or

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Speaker 1: somebody finding out about something that you don't want anybody

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Speaker 1: to find out about. And today is an exciting day

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Speaker 1: because the email that I'm going to answer is actually

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Speaker 1: follow up email from a listener question that I got

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Speaker 1: in April. This listener had emailed me about their relationship

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Speaker 1: and their partner, who actually they were engaged to at

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Speaker 1: the time, and how they felt like they were kind

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Speaker 1: of just disconnected. They were now in a long distance

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Speaker 1: relationship nine hours apart, and this listener didn't understand why

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Speaker 1: the partner might have been blowing up at them, and

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Speaker 1: it was wondering if they were being gas lit, and

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Speaker 1: just was very confused in the change of the behavior

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Speaker 1: from their partner and also the change of how they

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Speaker 1: felt in their relationship, and just emailed and asked how

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Speaker 1: to validate their feelings and kind of not feel crazy

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Speaker 1: even though sometimes they felt like they were crazy in

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Speaker 1: that relationship. So I'll link that first episode in the

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Speaker 1: show notes if you want to go back and listen

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Speaker 1: to that one now. They emailed me last week and said, hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for answering my last email with

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Speaker 1: a couch Talk episode. Needless to say, since then, I

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Speaker 1: am now single. After much needed time to heal, I

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Speaker 1: feel that I am ready to once again jump into

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Speaker 1: the dating pool, but I find myself feeling extremely anxious.

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Speaker 1: I'm very much of a homebody, so I don't really

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Speaker 1: go out too much, and I'm new to the area,

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Speaker 1: so I don't have a lot of friends in the

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Speaker 1: close vicinity. Obviously, we have dating apps, but even then,

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Speaker 1: it almost feels like a chore. What are your thoughts

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Speaker 1: on helping me navigate dating again. I feel like I

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Speaker 1: am constantly battling between enjoying my time being single and

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Speaker 1: wanting to have my person that I could start a

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Speaker 1: life with. So first, before we go into answering and

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Speaker 1: talking about this, I want to just acknowledge that you've

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Speaker 1: been through a huge life change in a couple months.

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Speaker 1: May doesn't seem that far away. I don't know when

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Speaker 1: you guys broke up, but I don't know what that

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Speaker 1: process was like for you. So I just want to

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Speaker 1: just acknowledge that breakups are really freaking hard, especially when

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Speaker 1: the relationship feels so different towards the end than it

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Speaker 1: used to feel. Okay, so you are wanting some feedback

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Speaker 1: on how to navigate the dating world now that you

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Speaker 1: feel like you're ready to go back and jump into that.

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Speaker 1: So I will say the dating world can be a

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Speaker 1: scary place, and I want everybody listening if you were

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Speaker 1: relating to this, Like, I got out of a relationship

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Speaker 1: and I want to start dating again, but I'm feeling

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Speaker 1: really anxious. Really dive into those feelings of anxiety, maybe

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Speaker 1: sift around in them. I wonder if some of that

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Speaker 1: actually is just like real fear in what your fears are.

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Speaker 1: Those feelings can very much be helpful. However, if we

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Speaker 1: don't really listen to them and pay attention to them

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Speaker 1: and actually listen to what they're saying and have a

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Speaker 1: conversation with them, we might feel that fear as a

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Speaker 1: stop sign versus, oh, I'm about to go embark on

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Speaker 1: something that is very unknown and that's just scary in general.

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Speaker 1: So I would encourage you to just dig around, have conversations,

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Speaker 1: inner dialogues with yourself and your feelings, and really identify

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Speaker 1: what they're saying before we just assume that they're saying,

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Speaker 1: don't do this. And I also don't think that this

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Speaker 1: has to be something that you battle. So you said,

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Speaker 1: I'm constantly battling between enjoying my time being single and

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Speaker 1: wanting to have my person that I could start a

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Speaker 1: life with. I don't think you have to battle that.

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Speaker 1: I think you can enjoy your time being single while

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Speaker 1: wanting and looking for a partner. Those things can exist

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Speaker 1: at the same time. I see a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: as humans do, we polarize everything we want extremes. Everything

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Speaker 1: feels safer and more manageable when it's black and white,

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Speaker 1: but rarely does our world work that way, and so

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Speaker 1: we want to polarize this. You have to be an

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Speaker 1: act completely independent and not want a relationship in order

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Speaker 1: to be single and happy, or you're miserable and always

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Speaker 1: looking for someone to fill some void and you can't

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Speaker 1: survive on your own. And sometimes that is true. I

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Speaker 1: really think sometimes that can be the case. But it

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be that way. So my first encouragement,

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Speaker 1: or I guess my second encouragement here would be allow

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Speaker 1: yourself to have both of those. Allow yourself to take

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Speaker 1: advantage of this time that you're getting to yourself. Maybe

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Speaker 1: you're doing some real healing work and paying attention to

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Speaker 1: parts of you you had not paid attention to in

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Speaker 1: a while, caring for yourself the way you really wanted

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Speaker 1: and hoped that your partner would have cared for you.

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Speaker 1: You get to do that where you also get to

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Speaker 1: make certain decisions for yourself and by yourself, and that's

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Speaker 1: fun and that's freeing, and you get to experience certain

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Speaker 1: things in a way that you wouldn't if you were

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Speaker 1: in a relationship and you had that responsibility as well.

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, while you're doing that, you

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Speaker 1: can be open and putting an effort to finding a

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Speaker 1: partner that you would be willing to shift some of

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Speaker 1: your current life for now. Sometimes I feel like a

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Speaker 1: broken record with the dating stuff on here, But at

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Speaker 1: the same time I do also realize that often we

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Speaker 1: need to hear things over and over and over and

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Speaker 1: over again, and we need to talk about them over

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Speaker 1: again in order to feel like something has sunk in,

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Speaker 1: or even just to have a nice reminder when we're

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Speaker 1: feeling sad or we're feeling defeated in especially the dating world.

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Speaker 1: If you have been around for a while, you know

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Speaker 1: my feelings on dating and dating coaches and rules around dating,

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Speaker 1: and I think that there can be people and there

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Speaker 1: can be ways where we can help our friends and

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Speaker 1: maybe our clients move towards a better experience in the

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Speaker 1: dating world. I don't think there is a step by

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Speaker 1: step process and there are definitive objective for everybody rules

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Speaker 1: that will guarantee you to find a partner. There are

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Speaker 1: ideas that could help you in your process, but nobody

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Speaker 1: can guarantee you will find a partner in a certain

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Speaker 1: amount of time by telling you exactly what to do.

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Speaker 1: And we never want to enter into the dating world

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Speaker 1: following a rule book. Because when we do that, and

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Speaker 1: like I said, we like things to be black and white,

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Speaker 1: so we want to follow every rule just how it

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Speaker 1: was told to us. When we do that, we strip

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Speaker 1: ourselves from the ability to actually show up and be

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Speaker 1: loved and seen and accepted as who we are. And

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Speaker 1: that's where we get into relationships where a lot of

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Speaker 1: times things like our attachment styles are off because I

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Speaker 1: followed these rules and I showed up as this one person,

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Speaker 1: but this person liked me because I was showing up

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Speaker 1: as this one person and I'm not that person. And

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Speaker 1: now I feel like they think that there's something wrong

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Speaker 1: with me. And it's not really always that they feel

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Speaker 1: like there's something wrong with you. It's that they might

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Speaker 1: have fallen in love with this rule book and you're

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Speaker 1: not the rule book. So long winded way to say,

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Speaker 1: take the things that I'm saying, Take the things that

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Speaker 1: you hear on Instagram, that you hear from dating coaches

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Speaker 1: or maybe even therapists, Take them and really allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to sit with them and see if they actually fit

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Speaker 1: for you before you just take everything as like the

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Speaker 1: solid truth. It's the dating Bible, which depending on what

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Speaker 1: you think about the Bible. That might not be a

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Speaker 1: very good metaphor anyway, I do have a couple of

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Speaker 1: things that might help the process for you. And like

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Speaker 1: I said, you can take it, or you can say

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Speaker 1: I don't like what she said and I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to do that. Totally fine, I think, and I know

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Speaker 1: from my experience not everybody experiences the same way. But

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Speaker 1: I really do think that generally dating takes a lot

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Speaker 1: of energy and it can bring up a lot of feelings.

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Speaker 1: Most of the time, people will have more bad dates

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Speaker 1: than good dates. And so I really encourage people who

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Speaker 1: are entering into dating and are putting themselves into this

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Speaker 1: sphere to only do so if they're willing to accept

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Speaker 1: this fact. If you don't accept it, if you don't

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Speaker 1: accept that there is going to be a lot of ick,

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Speaker 1: there's going to be some feelings you aren't comfortable feeling,

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Speaker 1: it's going to be difficult, that rejection is going to

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Speaker 1: be a part of this process, then I would say

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Speaker 1: you might want to pause on putting yourself out there.

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Speaker 1: If I'm not willing to accept that there's it's not

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Speaker 1: going to all be rainbows and sunshines. Because if you

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Speaker 1: do refuse to accept it, you enter into it, and

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Speaker 1: then you experience all of that stuff. What you're going

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Speaker 1: to do is worse than the sting that already exists

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Speaker 1: in the process of dating and rejection. I just need

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Speaker 1: people to know this. Rejection does not make anybody less

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Speaker 1: than anyone else. It actually makes you normal. We've all

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Speaker 1: experienced it. It is a human experience to be or

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Speaker 1: feel rejected by somebody, and being open to rejection is

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Speaker 1: actually the path to finding what it is that you want.

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Speaker 1: If you want a relationship with somebody who sees you

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Speaker 1: and loves you for actually who you are, you're going

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Speaker 1: to have to be open to rejection to show up

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Speaker 1: as yourself. It's that it's vulnerability, right. In order to

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Speaker 1: get what I want, I have to be vulnerable enough

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Speaker 1: for that to be a possibility. And vulnerability opens us

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Speaker 1: up to rejection. Possibly it opens us up to this

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Speaker 1: unknown where we don't know how people are going to

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Speaker 1: receive it. Sometimes they might receive it well, sometimes not

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Speaker 1: so much. And trust me, I hate this fact, but

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Speaker 1: I didn't create how feelings work. I didn't create how

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Speaker 1: vulnerability works, and we can't change it. So again, only

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Speaker 1: not accepting that would only be making our lives worse

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Speaker 1: for ourselves for really not a great reason. The payoff

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Speaker 1: isn't there now With this specific listener that wrote in,

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Speaker 1: they mention that you're a homebody, you don't have any

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Speaker 1: friends in the area, you're new to the vicinity, and

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Speaker 1: you don't want to do dating apps because they feel

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Speaker 1: like a chore. What I do know for certain? Actually,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I guess this isn't for certain, But I

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Speaker 1: really don't think the love of your life is going

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Speaker 1: to just like come knock on your door and walk

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Speaker 1: in your house and you're gonna fall in love and

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Speaker 1: it's gonna be that way, right, So you're gonna have

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Speaker 1: to choose an option here. You're gonna have to decide

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Speaker 1: to do something that pushes you outside what you really

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Speaker 1: are comfortable doing, because what you are comfortable doing sounds

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Speaker 1: like kind of staying in your bubble, and that's not

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Speaker 1: really giving you a lot of options, right, So you

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Speaker 1: can choose whatever you want. I don't think that there's

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Speaker 1: one thing that is going to work for everybody. I

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Speaker 1: think that you can choose to do a lot of

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Speaker 1: things to give you more of an opportunity to meet people.

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Speaker 1: But you're gonna have to choose something and do something

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Speaker 1: that is gonna probably be in some regards either annoying.

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Speaker 1: It might feel like a chore, it might feel like work,

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Speaker 1: it might be really scary, it might be really uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: and well, it also is the path to meeting people, right,

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Speaker 1: So you can sign up for events, join a club,

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Speaker 1: join a new gym, start chatting with people in public. Oh,

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Speaker 1: if we use if we would talk to people the

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Speaker 1: way that we used to talk to people, and myself included,

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Speaker 1: I am the first one to admit that I will

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Speaker 1: look at my phone to avoid conversation with people, just

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Speaker 1: because I mean, I think at this point we're kind

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Speaker 1: of accustomed to that. We have kind of been calloused

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Speaker 1: to this idea of not making eye contact with people.

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Speaker 1: So you're gonna have to make little changes that those

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Speaker 1: can be. Some of those changes. You can start with

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Speaker 1: just making eye contact with people in public if you

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Speaker 1: want to, but you're going to have to do something

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Speaker 1: that allows you to experience more people. I named a

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Speaker 1: couple that doesn't have to be that, but something that

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Speaker 1: really gets you out there and allows you to meet somebody.

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Speaker 1: It might not be that person that you date, but

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Speaker 1: maybe they know somebody, you meet somebody through them. You

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Speaker 1: never know how kind of like chains can react, or

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Speaker 1: you can join a dating app. And I know that

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Speaker 1: people say that they don't work, and there has been

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Speaker 1: so much stuff online about how they were created to fail.

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Speaker 1: And that's not a debate that I'm going to get

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Speaker 1: into today because I actually don't know how they were

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Speaker 1: created and I don't know the algorithms. I do know

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Speaker 1: that they make money, and they have to make money somehow,

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Speaker 1: and they want people to use them. So sure, I

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Speaker 1: can understand why people have come up with these theories

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Speaker 1: around how they are created to not work, so you

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Speaker 1: stay on them longer. I can understand that I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that's true. But what I do

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Speaker 1: know is that they do work for some people. They

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Speaker 1: have worked for a lot of people, and maybe they

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Speaker 1: have not worked for more people that they have worked for. However,

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Speaker 1: they still have worked for people. And so that is

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Speaker 1: an opportunity for you to put yourself out there in

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Speaker 1: a way that sometimes can feel a little bit less

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Speaker 1: vulnerable than showing up to a new club or group

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Speaker 1: or meeting or place or space where you don't know anybody.

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Speaker 1: You just have to go out there and show up fully.

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Speaker 1: You can tiptoe into it this way. Now, I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying that if this is going to work for you,

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Speaker 1: dating apps are going to work in a timeline that

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Speaker 1: you will want. I can't predict that. I can tell

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Speaker 1: you I was on dating apps for years. I think

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Speaker 1: I got I downloaded my first one in like twenty

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Speaker 1: fifteen or something like that. It could have been a

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Speaker 1: little bit before or a little bit after. And I

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Speaker 1: didn't meet my partner until twenty twenty two, and I

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Speaker 1: was off and on them, sometimes dating somebody, sometimes not

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Speaker 1: using them, but I use them a lot. Was not

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Speaker 1: in the timeline that I would have chosen if I

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Speaker 1: got to choose my life. But if we go into

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Speaker 1: them already thinking that they're not going to work, then

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Speaker 1: I do know that you are more likely to experience

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Speaker 1: and have a negative experience using them, And so I

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Speaker 1: really want to encourage you. Just like I said, you

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Speaker 1: have to be open to rejection. I would encourage you

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Speaker 1: if you're going to put yourself out there in any

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Speaker 1: of these spaces, including using a dating app, allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to walk into that space feeling hopeful. There needs to

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Speaker 1: be a part of you that actually believes that this

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Speaker 1: can work, or you are going to actually position yourself

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Speaker 1: to set yourself up to fail, and it's not going

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Speaker 1: to be your fault. You're going to have reasons to

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Speaker 1: blame that. However, there may be things that you subconsciously

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Speaker 1: do that sabotage your experience because you already don't believe

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Speaker 1: that it's going to work. And I am not saying

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Speaker 1: just like manifestifesting something will create what the desirable outcome.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it's placebos whatever. However,

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Speaker 1: if I do not believe that something is going to work,

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Speaker 1: I am less likely to actually have a positive experience

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Speaker 1: from whatever it is I am doing. Think about sports,

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Speaker 1: I know that when I was really down on myself

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Speaker 1: and I was really nervous, and I was anxious about

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Speaker 1: making a mistake. Guess what I would go out there

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Speaker 1: and do. I would make the exact mistakes that I

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Speaker 1: was worried about making because I just those times believe

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Speaker 1: that I was going to do it, So my body

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Speaker 1: just ended up just taking over and doing it. So

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Speaker 1: our brain and how we position ourselves and these experiences

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Speaker 1: does have a big impact on what happens. It's not

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Speaker 1: the end all be all, but it does have a

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Speaker 1: big impact. So it's going to be in all of

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Speaker 1: our best interests to allow ourselves to show up to

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Speaker 1: these spaces feeling hopeful. Now. To do that, sometimes we

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Speaker 1: really have to create boundaries with ourselves. And I'm not

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Speaker 1: just talking about dating apps. I'm talking about anything that

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Speaker 1: puts us out there. If I'm going to do something

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Speaker 1: that takes a lot of energy and also comes with

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Speaker 1: a level of rejection that is very uncomfortable, then maybe

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Speaker 1: create some boundaries and maybe create some goals for yourself.

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Speaker 1: Like if I go on three dates, then I'm going

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Speaker 1: to take three weeks off of dating, allowing yourself to

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Speaker 1: go out and put in the effort and then also

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Speaker 1: rest and recuperate and think about what you want to

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Speaker 1: do differently, think about what went well, just have space

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Speaker 1: to not think about it at all, rather than I'm

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Speaker 1: just going to go out there and do every single

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Speaker 1: thing that somebody suggests, and I'm going to spend all

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Speaker 1: my time and energy on it for three years, and

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Speaker 1: then after those three years, I'm never gonna want to

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Speaker 1: date again because it's going to be so exhausting and

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Speaker 1: so tiring and so horrible. Let's not create it all

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Speaker 1: or nothing experience for ourselves. It's also how I feel

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Speaker 1: about when we go on social media, like we go

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Speaker 1: on breaks and then we try to redownload it, but

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Speaker 1: then like we haven't taught ourselves how to actually use it.

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Speaker 1: We just allowed ourselves to not have it, and then

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Speaker 1: we have it. So we have these extremes. Allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to build in this process, some slowness, some rest, some

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Speaker 1: recovery time. Because you mentioned it feels like a chore.

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Speaker 1: Dating sometimes just does feel like work. I will be

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Speaker 1: the first to say that dating isn't fun for everybody.

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Speaker 1: Some people really enjoy it. I actually did not. I

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Speaker 1: can look back and laugh at certain memories, but in

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Speaker 1: the moment, I didn't always enjoy it until I was

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Speaker 1: removed enough from certain experiences that I could actually put

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Speaker 1: some humor into them. So in summary, I would really

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Speaker 1: really encourage you, the listener that wrote this email, on

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Speaker 1: anybody who's relating to this, to just be really really

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Speaker 1: direct with yourselves. If you want a partner, acknowledge that

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Speaker 1: and ask yourself, how much am I willing to push

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Speaker 1: myself in order to find what it is that I'm

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Speaker 1: looking for? Be realistic, show up with the reality that

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Speaker 1: dating can be exhausting, and it might be exhausting for you. However,

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Speaker 1: when we identify why a goal is a goal, and

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Speaker 1: we really allow ourselves to sit in that as this

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Speaker 1: is something I really want, we can better rectify why

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Speaker 1: that exhaustion might be worth it at times and what

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Speaker 1: I will need to be able to continue to go

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Speaker 1: out into the world and feel that exhaustion. So be

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Speaker 1: very direct with yourself. I would also encourage you to

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Speaker 1: look at what it is you're actually looking for in

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Speaker 1: a partner, especially, I'm talking to the listener that wrote

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Speaker 1: this email, thinking about your past relationship and how you

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Speaker 1: felt in it. If you're going to put all this

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Speaker 1: effort in, I would be so sad to hear that

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Speaker 1: you sold yourself short at the end to stay with

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Speaker 1: somebody who feels distant or who you actually, when dating,

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Speaker 1: feel lonely with. So really identify what it is that

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Speaker 1: I'm looking for, not just a partner, but what it

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Speaker 1: is that you're looking for in a partnership and in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. I hope that there are some nuggets in

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Speaker 1: there that that could be helpful for you, But really,

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying in all of this, if you want

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Speaker 1: to just like not listen to this ever again, or

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Speaker 1: just say, hey, I want to send this to a

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Speaker 1: friend and I want them to hear real the point

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Speaker 1: of what you're saying, what I am saying is you

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Speaker 1: are allowed to both enjoy your life as a single

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Speaker 1: person and also want something more or want to add

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Speaker 1: something to your life. Those are allowed to exist at

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Speaker 1: the same time and can exist at the same time. Two.

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Speaker 1: Dating brings up a lot of feelings, and those feelings

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Speaker 1: sometimes are really uncomfortable, and it's just part of the process.

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Speaker 1: So if I want a partner and dating is the

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Speaker 1: process that I want to find that partner through, I

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Speaker 1: need to take time to accept the fact that rejection

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Speaker 1: will be part of this process. And that does not

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Speaker 1: mean there's anything wrong with me. However, that does mean

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Speaker 1: sometimes I might need to be really gentle with myself

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Speaker 1: in this process. Three. If I want to experience something

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Speaker 1: different in my life and find something new in my life,

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Speaker 1: I am most likely going to have to then do

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Speaker 1: something different. I'm going to have to put myself out

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Speaker 1: there in some form or fashion, and so that's something

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Speaker 1: I need to choose. What I'm willing to do and

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Speaker 1: how I might choose that is talking to myself about

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Speaker 1: how much I really do want this and why this

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Speaker 1: is important to me, so then I can actually have

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Speaker 1: some data to support why I'm going out there and

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Speaker 1: doing these things that might feel really challenging and exhausting

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Speaker 1: and for hopeful maintain a posture of hope. If it

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Speaker 1: becomes difficult to do that, then I might need to

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Speaker 1: set up some boundaries and again go back to that

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Speaker 1: gentleness in order for me to not totally abandon what

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Speaker 1: it is that I actually already identified I want, because

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Speaker 1: when we abandon things that we want when they get hard,

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Speaker 1: we remove ourselves from actually experiencing the gift of what

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Speaker 1: hard work can actually bring us. And I could keep

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Speaker 1: going on, but I think I've summarized everything enough and

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Speaker 1: I'm going to leave it there. If you have any questions, feedback, concerns, thoughts,

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Speaker 1: helpful things that have helped you in the dating world,

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Speaker 1: please please please feel free to send them my way

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Speaker 1: Katherine at therapy at podcast dot com. You can follow

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Speaker 1: us at You Need Therapy podcast on Instagram and me

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00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:06,239
Speaker 1: at Kat dot Defata on Instagram and connect with us

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Speaker 1: that way as well. Until Monday, when I'll be back

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Speaker 1: with you guys with a new episode. I hope you

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Speaker 1: were having the day you need to have and I

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Speaker 1: will talk to you soon. Goodbye.