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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in

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Speaker 2: the world, Thank you for joining us for another episode.

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Speaker 2: This week, we're talking about open relationships, a very hot

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Speaker 2: topic at the moment amongst twenty something year olds and

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Speaker 2: others alike, and it has been frequently requested that we

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Speaker 2: investigate the psychology behind this non monogamous arrangement. So that's

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Speaker 2: what we're going to do today, from the very basics

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Speaker 2: of what they actually entail, the boundaries, the dynamics, and

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Speaker 2: why they are seemingly becoming increasingly popular amongst this generation.

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Speaker 2: Before we get into it, a brief disclaimer that all

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Speaker 2: consenting romantic relationships are respected and accepted here. If open

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Speaker 2: relationships are your thing, or you're exploring the idea or

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Speaker 2: completely opposed and just here to learn, I just hope

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Speaker 2: that this is informative. We are not here to judge.

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Speaker 2: There is none of that, and whilst I'm not personally

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Speaker 2: excited by the idea of being in an open relationship myself,

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Speaker 2: I do find them fascinating, especially as a concept to

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Speaker 2: be explored through a psychological lens, because whilst I know

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Speaker 2: I'm not a fan, some people are. Some people are

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Speaker 2: big proponents. So what makes us different in that desire

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Speaker 2: for this type of relationship. I think psychology has a

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Speaker 2: lot to do with it, and no romantic relationship is

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Speaker 2: a one size fits all kind of deal. Open relationships

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Speaker 2: are just part of this broader ecosystem of what's possible

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Speaker 2: and what works for you. So open relationships, polyamory, ethical nominogamy,

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Speaker 2: they all seem to be a trend, and I've personally

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Speaker 2: noticed them becoming a lot more common amongst people in

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Speaker 2: their twenties, especially amongst people that I know personally and

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Speaker 2: couples that I know, And also a lot of people

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Speaker 2: that I encounter on dating apps or in my real

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Speaker 2: life who talk about their desire for ethical nom monogamy

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Speaker 2: or who are in an open relationship looking for a

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Speaker 2: third I guess, or someone else to join. Maybe that

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Speaker 2: is a similar experience for you, and I think it's

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Speaker 2: because of a broader societal shift away from conventional ideas

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Speaker 2: of marriage and monogamy and tradition towards greatest sexual liberation

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Speaker 2: and experiences. Although they have become more popular in recent decades,

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Speaker 2: this idea of an open relationship isn't a new one.

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Speaker 2: It's existed since ancient societies in Greece and Rome, China, Mongolia, Japan,

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Speaker 2: but the term that we use now open relationship, it

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Speaker 2: was only first coined and popularized in the nineteen seventies.

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Speaker 2: Since then, some studies have suggested that up to six

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Speaker 2: percent of relationships and partnerships could be deemed as non

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Speaker 2: monogamous or open, which is not the same as cheating

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Speaker 2: or infidelity, but a consensual willingness to explore romantic and

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Speaker 2: sexual connections beyond the core partnership. It's this idea of

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Speaker 2: being in a long term relationship, marriage or otherwise, but

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Speaker 2: still being able to date other people and of course

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Speaker 2: sleep with other people beyond the bounds of each other.

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Speaker 2: I think that they are typically less focused on emotional

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Speaker 2: connections and more on sexual ones, which either partner or

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Speaker 2: both feels that they need and for some they really work.

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Speaker 2: They keep the relationship, the bond and the trust between

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Speaker 2: two people. Exceptionally strong, and in a generation where up

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Speaker 2: to thirty percent of people in married partnerships admit to infidelity,

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Speaker 2: maybe consentual nominogamy is the secret to making long term

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Speaker 2: relationships more sustainable by letting people in. It might be

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Speaker 2: an alien idea for some, but we are going to

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Speaker 2: explore it today. So what is the deal with open relationships?

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Speaker 2: And more importantly, what is the psychology behind the desire

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Speaker 2: to pursue one and the attraction of this relationship model,

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Speaker 2: particularly in our twenties. No monogamy, I think naturally goes

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Speaker 2: again a lot of our traditional beliefs about relationships and

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Speaker 2: marriage in particular. But some people need different things from

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Speaker 2: their relationships to be fulfilled, and I do think open

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Speaker 2: relationships are quite misunderstood. So we are going to explore

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Speaker 2: exactly what draws people into open relationships, from personality to attributes,

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Speaker 2: psych sociosexuality, why the choice seems right for some people,

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Speaker 2: what is required to make them work, and the interactions

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Speaker 2: between jealousy and attachment style, but also what it means

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Speaker 2: to be the other person, the casual partner, the outsider

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Speaker 2: of one or more members of the primary relationship. So

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Speaker 2: I am so excited and ready to get into it

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Speaker 2: without further ado, Let's break down the psychology of open

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Speaker 2: relationships in our twenties. The concept of an open relationship

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Speaker 2: may be hard to grasp for some people, especially in

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Speaker 2: a society that has repeatedly pushed monogamy on us since birth,

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Speaker 2: but there is actually a rising interest in this way

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Speaker 2: of living and dating now more than ever. I think

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Speaker 2: in modern society, a lot of couples are exploring alternatives,

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Speaker 2: having conversations about it, and even committing to an open

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Speaker 2: relationship or polyamory or some form of non monogamy. In

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Speaker 2: the past, I think societal norms and pressures have made

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Speaker 2: this type of relationship seem wrong or really strange, or

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Speaker 2: off limits and stigmatized, which I think is where a

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Speaker 2: lot of our natural ickiness comes from, especially because of

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Speaker 2: traditional beliefs about monogamy that arose from very puritan religious influences. However,

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Speaker 2: many people have pointed to the New Age theory that

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Speaker 2: monogamy is a socially rather than naturally biologically constructed idea,

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Speaker 2: and with access to things like the Internet and books

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Speaker 2: and even influences, individuals are showing a very big interest nowadays.

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Speaker 2: We also have to give massive credit to the sexual

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Speaker 2: liberation movement, especially within the queer community, where a lot

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Speaker 2: of this progress towards a more open relationship approach has originated.

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Speaker 2: So terms like open relationship, polyamory, non monogamy, swinging, they

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Speaker 2: get thrown around a lot and confused quite a bit.

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Speaker 2: They're used interchangeably, but they are different. An open relationship

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Speaker 2: is somewhat of an umbrella term that we use to

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Speaker 2: refer to all relationship models in which two members of

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Speaker 2: the union are not monogamous and therefore they're not only

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Speaker 2: having sex and dating each other. I think a lot

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Speaker 2: of us think it's just about sex, and in some

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Speaker 2: ways it is, but it's all about being able to

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Speaker 2: have different romantic experiences with someone other than your partner,

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Speaker 2: and it essentially not being what we would call cheating

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Speaker 2: because you've both had a discussion in which it's been

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Speaker 2: allowed and there's been boundary set up and both people

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Speaker 2: are excited about it. However, it doesn't mean that you're

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Speaker 2: allowed to be committed to these other individuals. You stay

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Speaker 2: emotionally committed to your primary partner. This is different to

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Speaker 2: polyamory or polyamorous relationships, in which there is a permission

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Speaker 2: there to be committed to multiple partners. I think it's

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Speaker 2: the degree of casualness to other relationships that is the

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Speaker 2: distinction between things like open relationships, polyamory, and even swinging,

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Speaker 2: in which the other relationships are purely sexual. So I

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Speaker 2: think if we think about non monogamy on a hierarchy

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Speaker 2: based on the degree of commitment within the relationships beyond

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Speaker 2: our primary partnership, the most commitment would be in polyamorous relationships,

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Speaker 2: in which you can be equally in love and committed

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Speaker 2: to another person. Then there's open relationships whereby you can

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Speaker 2: go on dates, you can have sex and romantic connections

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Speaker 2: with others, but you cannot offer commitment, and then finally swinging,

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Speaker 2: which is purely sexual. But we are just going to

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Speaker 2: talk about open relationships today. We're going to keep it

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Speaker 2: limited because we could go on for hours if we

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Speaker 2: talked about all of them. And I also think that

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Speaker 2: open relationships are the most relevant to our twenties because

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Speaker 2: I think that the most common if we just want sex,

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Speaker 2: we know that in our twenties that is something that

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Speaker 2: a lot of other people will want, and it's easier

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Speaker 2: to go looking for it. It's easier to find it

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Speaker 2: because others our age will be in a similar mind frame,

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Speaker 2: and we may not necessarily want commitment within that. Most

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Speaker 2: of us are also not married yet, especially in our

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Speaker 2: early twenties, so swinging within a cup is likely uncommon

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Speaker 2: but not impossible, and we're also not necessarily looking for polyamory.

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Speaker 2: I feel like most of us in our twenties are

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Speaker 2: still struggling to even maintain one romantic relationships, and we're

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Speaker 2: still developing our emotional maturity, so managing the complexity of

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Speaker 2: multiple partners is also going to be a lot less

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Speaker 2: frequent during this decade. I think open relationships are our

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Speaker 2: sweet spot for those who are seeking out non monogamy

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Speaker 2: in our twenties. We want the emotional stability of a partner,

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Speaker 2: that security, a commitment, and a deep bond. But our

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Speaker 2: twenties are also sold to us as a time of

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Speaker 2: exploration and sexual freedom, so we may not want to

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Speaker 2: miss out. Our next question, then, is why do some

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Speaker 2: people want this kind of sexual and romantic freedom or

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Speaker 2: choice that is promised to them in an open relationship,

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Speaker 2: and what makes these people different from traditional monogamous like

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Speaker 2: my self in the world. You know, I don't think

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Speaker 2: it's for everyone and When we examine the psychology, we

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Speaker 2: get a better idea as to why. The first thing

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Speaker 2: I would point to is personality. We know that personality

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Speaker 2: impacts many of our perspectives and perceptions, as well as

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Speaker 2: our choices and our habits. This includes our approach to

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Speaker 2: dating and relationships, and as well as that our opinions

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Speaker 2: on monogamy. Research has shown that certain Big Five personality

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Speaker 2: traits can be linked to a greater acceptance and willingness

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Speaker 2: to pursue non monogamy. For those of us who don't

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Speaker 2: know what the Big Five is, it's essentially an approach

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Speaker 2: to understanding personality based on five specific personality traits that

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Speaker 2: are the building blocks of our character and who we are.

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Speaker 2: These are openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, extraversion, neuroticism, and agreeableness.

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Speaker 2: Each of these five primary personality traits exists on a

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Speaker 2: spectrum between two extremes. For example, the trait of extraversion

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Speaker 2: its extreme is introversion, and people exist between the two

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Speaker 2: pillars on either side, and by examining where people sit

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Speaker 2: upon this spectrum for each of these traits, psychologists have

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Speaker 2: reasoned that we can map how personality influences our decisions

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Speaker 2: across a number of areas, including our relationships. Two traits

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Speaker 2: in particular seem to be particularly relevant in this conversation.

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Speaker 2: Studies have shown that extraversion and openness to experiences strongly

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Speaker 2: predicted attitudes and our willingness to engage in consensual non monogamy.

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Speaker 2: There is a fairly old study that was done on this,

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Speaker 2: and it focused on consensual non monogamy and its correlation

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Speaker 2: to the Big Five personality traits amongst LGBTQA plus individuals,

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Speaker 2: and it found that participants who were in open relationships

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Speaker 2: scored higher on openness to experiences, extraversion, and a lot

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Speaker 2: lower on neuroticism subscales than those in monogamous relationships. This

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Speaker 2: naturally makes a lot of sense. If you're rating higher

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Speaker 2: on openness to experiences, it's likely that this will also

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Speaker 2: include a receptiveness to new sexual experiences and engaging and

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Speaker 2: exploring some of those connections that are offered up by

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Speaker 2: an open relationship. Agreeableness is another Big Five personality trait,

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Speaker 2: and it may also be linked to someone's likelihood of

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Speaker 2: agreeing to an open relationship if their partner suggests one.

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Speaker 2: This may not always be a positive thing, though we'll

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Speaker 2: talk about this later, but open relationships, they rarely work

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Speaker 2: if one party is not fully committed, excited, or dedicated

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Speaker 2: to the idea, and it can create a bit of

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Speaker 2: a power imbalance and even resentment, which is just going

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Speaker 2: to cause that relationship to crumble under the pressure. But

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk about that more in one second.

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Speaker 2: I want to finish up on personality and how it

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Speaker 2: links to open relationships. There are other personality traits, really

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Speaker 2: crucial ones that are not related to the Big five,

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Speaker 2: but are linked to someone's curiosity and willingness to pursue

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Speaker 2: an open relationship. These include things like our flexibility, how

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Speaker 2: adaptive we are to change. Of course, I think that

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Speaker 2: makes a lot of sense. I feel like I don't

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Speaker 2: need to explain why flexibility and open relationships are linked,

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Speaker 2: and also things like honesty and nonconformance to tradition. So

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Speaker 2: research has identified that people who are more naturally inclined

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Speaker 2: to oppose authority or widely held cultural or societal beliefs

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Speaker 2: a more receptive to a relationship that is also not

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Speaker 2: conforming or untraditional. I find that so fascinating because I

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Speaker 2: don't think it's typically what we expect when we examine

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Speaker 2: the personality differences behind our willingness to pursue no monogamy.

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Speaker 2: But this characteristic and natural inclination away from the norm

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Speaker 2: does make a lot of sense for people who are

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Speaker 2: more attracted to the idea of an open relationship because

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Speaker 2: it isn't the norm and it is well, it does

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Speaker 2: kind of go against a lot of our traditional beliefs.

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Speaker 2: Now a disclaimer, if you are personally extroverted, or you

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Speaker 2: do typically like to question authority and ingrained ways of thinking,

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Speaker 2: or you're high on agreeableness, that doesn't necessarily mean that

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Speaker 2: you should approach your partner right this second and tell

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Speaker 2: them you want to open your relationship. Each person has

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Speaker 2: their own unique personality profile and there are other factors

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Speaker 2: that are going to play a role. Also, it's just

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Speaker 2: personal preference, right If if you're not excited by the idea,

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Speaker 2: your personality and what you know about it doesn't really matter, right.

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Speaker 2: It's just one explanation that has been offered up. Another one, though,

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Speaker 2: has to do with socio sexuality. So we talked about

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Speaker 2: this in our episode on hookup culture. But sociosexuality is

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Speaker 2: defined as an individual's interest in uncommitted sexual activity. A

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Speaker 2: study conducted out of the US in twenty seventeen. It

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Speaker 2: found that romantically involved individuals are more likely to engage

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Speaker 2: in infidelity or want to pursue casual sex or connections

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Speaker 2: when they are more unrestricted in their sociosexuality. In the

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Speaker 2: same study, they showed that men are more socio sexually unrestricted,

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Speaker 2: meaning more interested in uncommitted sex compared to their female counterparts.

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Speaker 2: So gender also may play a role in a person's

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Speaker 2: curiosity around non monogamy and how that fits in with

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Speaker 2: their broader perspectives on romance and sex and intimacy. This

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Speaker 2: doesn't surprise me on a personal level because in every

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Speaker 2: instance that I have seen of an open relationship, just personally,

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Speaker 2: it has always been the man who has first put

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Speaker 2: the idea on the table. It's not to say that

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Speaker 2: women aren't equally interested in casual sex or opening their

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Speaker 2: relationship or exploring uncommitted romantic connections, but men are often

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Speaker 2: more unrestricted in this domain, especially due to their socio sexuality,

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Speaker 2: and it's an ingrained trait. It's something that's very hard

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Speaker 2: to change. So it does explain why some people have

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Speaker 2: more of a desire for this arrangement compared to others.

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Speaker 2: There is something else that I think needs further examining

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Speaker 2: when we discuss open relationships, and that is the role

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Speaker 2: of sexuality and the influence of the LGBTQIA plus community

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Speaker 2: on our increasing openness and receptiveness towards non monogamy. As

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Speaker 2: a society. We are taught from a young age that

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Speaker 2: a normal relationship involves a man and a woman and

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Speaker 2: they are aiming for marriage. The aiming for marriage and children,

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Speaker 2: and this has been questioned both in relation to the

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Speaker 2: core idea of monogamy and having one partner for the

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Speaker 2: rest of our lives, and also by our greater acceptance

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Speaker 2: of non heteronormative relationships. Relationships between men and women are

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Speaker 2: not the only ones that exist, and they've never been

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Speaker 2: the only ones to exist, and that questioning of heteronormative

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Speaker 2: ideas around relationships has also led us to question that

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Speaker 2: core idea of monogamy, and studies have shown that a

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Speaker 2: higher percentage of individuals who identify as gay, lesbian, queer, bisexual,

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Speaker 2: or as a member of this community are in open,

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Speaker 2: non monogamous relationships compared to hetericisgender couples. A new report

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Speaker 2: that came out in Australia and Also, the US suggests

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Speaker 2: that about a third of gay men are in open relationships.

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Speaker 2: In a poll of I think it was almost six

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Speaker 2: hundred gay men conducted in San Francisco, they found that

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Speaker 2: thirty percent were not strictly monogamous with their partners. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: we should take this with a grain of salt. A

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Speaker 2: lot of queer people also hold negative opinions of open

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Speaker 2: relationships and are not interested in casual sex, and no

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Speaker 2: one is the same. However, rates do seem to be

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Speaker 2: higher compared to heterosexual couples, and according to this incredible

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Speaker 2: book The Ethical Slot, which I would really recommend if

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Speaker 2: you are curious about ethical no monogamy, the authors suggest

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Speaker 2: that the reason we may see greater rates of this

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Speaker 2: relationship model amongst queer couples is because they are more

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Speaker 2: comfortable and interested in exploring their sexuality because this is

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Speaker 2: what they've been doing from a young age. You know,

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Speaker 2: they grew up, they were raised in a society that

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Speaker 2: had often confined their sexual expression. So, according to this

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Speaker 2: amazing advocate Matt Hudson, most gay people will have grown

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Speaker 2: up encountering attitudes that told them they were not normal,

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Speaker 2: they were not accepted, and so as they've gotten older,

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Speaker 2: they seek more exploration. They actually want to push back

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Speaker 2: against those ideas, and it means that they seek sexual

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Speaker 2: satisfaction and relationship arrangements that are outside of the norm.

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Speaker 2: That is just one kind of perspective that I thought

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Speaker 2: was really important to share. Like I said before, a

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Speaker 2: lot of our progress towards being more accepting of nominogamy

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Speaker 2: and different models of relationships did arise from the queer

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Speaker 2: community and what they've done and their thoughts on the matter.

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Speaker 2: So it's super super interesting to see how sexuality, but

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Speaker 2: also culture and society kind of interact and intersect when

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Speaker 2: we talk about non monogamy. There's also been some preliminary

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Speaker 2: research into the impact of asexuality, which is an individual

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Speaker 2: who lacks sexual attraction to others but still desires a

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Speaker 2: relationship on a couple's willingness to enter an open relationship.

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Speaker 2: It's known as a sexual polyamory. Okay, I'm quite naive

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Speaker 2: when it comes to this, so I did try and

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Speaker 2: do a bit of a deep dive to get it right.

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Speaker 2: But if this does apply to you, definitely consult some

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Speaker 2: outside sources. However, one study from the Journal of Sexual

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Speaker 2: Positivity suggested that some asexual people have observed that polyamory

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Speaker 2: open relationships they seem to be more popular as a

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Speaker 2: relationship style amongst a sexual people than they are in

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Speaker 2: the mainstream, perhaps because of a recognition that sex is

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Speaker 2: something that most people need or want, and if their

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Speaker 2: partner does not have the same desires and needs, if

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Speaker 2: they don't really feel sexual attraction to others, maybe it's

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Speaker 2: an effective compromise to seek an open relationship so that

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Speaker 2: the other person can have their sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.

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Speaker 2: I think it all comes down to personal preference and

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Speaker 2: what works best for each couple. Some people who are

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Speaker 2: in relationships in which they are asexual or with an

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Speaker 2: asexual partner don't do this. They find other ways to

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Speaker 2: make it work or to compromise. But it's fascinating to

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Speaker 2: see the impact of things like our sexual preferences and

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Speaker 2: then also personality and sociosexuality on our receptiveness and eagerness

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Speaker 2: to pursue multiple sexual partners, romantic connections, sexual connections beyond

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Speaker 2: the stability of our core partnership. If you are someone

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Speaker 2: who has only ever had monogamous relationships, I think think

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Speaker 2: we have a few apprehensions when it comes to open

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Speaker 2: relationships that I want to break down. It can be

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Speaker 2: very alien and hard to understand if you've never encountered

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Speaker 2: this type of dating and sex and some of the

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Speaker 2: insecurities that it may bring up. So here are some

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Speaker 2: of the most common opinions or questions we have from

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Speaker 2: my own perspective, but also discussions that I've had with friends. Firstly,

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Speaker 2: if you are not interested in non monogamy or open relationships,

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Speaker 2: that is totally fine. We can recognize the impact of

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Speaker 2: tradition and ingrained misperceptions of sex on our beliefs and

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Speaker 2: still believe the things that we do. However, most of

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Speaker 2: our biggest concerns do stem from this cognitive dissonance between

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Speaker 2: what we have been taught to believe a relationship is

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Speaker 2: and the ways in which open relationships force us to

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Speaker 2: question that belief. The first one being what is the

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Speaker 2: point of being married or in a relationship If you're

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Speaker 2: going to make your relationship open, why have a relationship

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Speaker 2: at all? Wouldn't it just be better to break up

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Speaker 2: if you do want to have sex with other people?

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Speaker 2: This is one of my major questions, but someone explained

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Speaker 2: it to me like this recently. Relationships are not just

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Speaker 2: about sex. If they were, then having sex with other

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Speaker 2: people would definitely pose a major existential challenge within open relationships.

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Speaker 2: But relationships are more than that. They are about trust,

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Speaker 2: an incredible bond between two people. They are about communication, memories,

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Speaker 2: and of course love. All of those things can still

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Speaker 2: exist and remain strong even if you're sleeping with other

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Speaker 2: people and you have good boundaries around that practice. If

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Speaker 2: we think that having sex with other people will ruin

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Speaker 2: the commitment within our relationship, we are essentially just reducing

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Speaker 2: all relationships to sex, ignoring all the other things that

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Speaker 2: make them work. It's not to say that sex is

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Speaker 2: meaningless or that it can pose a problem or can

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Speaker 2: damage a partnership, but that relationships are more than just

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Speaker 2: the physical. Another big misconception is that people who have

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Speaker 2: open relationships must just like sex more than others or

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Speaker 2: their sex addicts. Hence why they feel the need to

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Speaker 2: be pursuing that with multiple people. They want to have

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Speaker 2: their cake and they want to eat it too. That

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00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,719
Speaker 2: is also not necessarily true. Sometimes what they're seeking is

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Speaker 2: new sexual experiences and connections, not necessarily just more sex.

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Speaker 2: And in our twenties, that is something that a lot

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Speaker 2: of us are looking for. This is what I struggle

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Speaker 2: with because I think we have been led to believe

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Speaker 2: that our partners should provide all that we need when

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Speaker 2: it comes to our pleasure and how sexually fulfilled we are.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes that is not possible if they're traveling, or you

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Speaker 2: live different lives in different cities, or one partner is

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Speaker 2: asexual and opening your relationship works best for you, or

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Speaker 2: maybe you do just like to have lots of sex

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Speaker 2: but you love your partner. Two things can exist at once,

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Speaker 2: and it's important to appreciate that people and couples do

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Speaker 2: have different needs and joint attitudes towards the intersection between

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Speaker 2: sex and commitment. You know, there have been many cultures

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Speaker 2: and societies in which open relationships or polyamory have worked

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Speaker 2: really well for generations and generations, and they weren't questioned

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Speaker 2: and they weren't weird because traditional ideas of monogamy had

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00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 2: never existed in those places. They found that this model

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00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,800
Speaker 2: was perhaps easier for raising children, for dealing with infertility,

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00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:57,640
Speaker 2: for growing their community and building trust between all members

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Speaker 2: of the group. It's not just a new idea, like

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00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,880
Speaker 2: I said at the start, it is a really valid

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00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:09,160
Speaker 2: model and system and perspective that has actually been proven

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00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 2: to work for many many societies and many many cultures

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00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 2: in the past. I think another big myth is that

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Speaker 2: people in open relationships would be cheating if their partners

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Speaker 2: had not agreed to this arrangement. There's no specific studies

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00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,639
Speaker 2: on this, but many members of this community call this

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00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 2: way of thinking quite reductive and judgmental because it doesn't

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00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 2: take into consideration many of the boundaries and agreements and

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00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,720
Speaker 2: discussions that have been put in place to keep the

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00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:43,360
Speaker 2: relationship and the arrangement safe and respectful for all parties.

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00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,480
Speaker 2: Whilst we might label what is occurring in a no

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00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 2: monogamous relationship as cheating, I think a core part of

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00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 2: cheating or infidelity is dishonesty and secrecy. In open relationships,

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00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:01,360
Speaker 2: there isn't as much of that, especially around sex, because

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00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,760
Speaker 2: every member is clear on the structure, they are excited

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00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 2: about being that they're willing to be there, they're free

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00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 2: to leave, and there is a lot more honesty and

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00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 2: openness around the fact that both members are probably having

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00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 2: sex with other people and that is okay. Finally, a

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00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:19,640
Speaker 2: lot of us may think that open relationships are doomed

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Speaker 2: to fail and they're only really introduced into a partnership

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00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 2: when one or both members are actually already ready to

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Speaker 2: break up, but they can't quite bring themselves to recognize that.

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00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,719
Speaker 2: In some cases, that may be true, but on a

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00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 2: case by case basis, because open relationships do work, and

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00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 2: they work really well for some people and for some couples.

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Speaker 2: So what's the secret? When do they work well, when

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00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:49,920
Speaker 2: do they not? What are the conditions for success? And finally,

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00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:54,800
Speaker 2: what does it mean to perhaps be the outsider or

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Speaker 2: the other person in one of these partnerships? All of

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00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:07,479
Speaker 2: that and more in just a second. If you are

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00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 2: thinking about opening your relationship or just curious about how

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00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 2: they can be successful, there are a few things that

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00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 2: we need to know about ourselves and our partner before

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00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 2: jumping straight in open relationships. They do work, but they

426
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:25,719
Speaker 2: are also incredibly fluid. They can stop and start, and

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00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,280
Speaker 2: each are very unique. However, when I was looking into

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00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 2: this idea, there was a lot of anecdotal and evidence

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00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 2: based insights that suggested some conditions have to be met

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Speaker 2: if this arrangement and this dynamic is going to be healthy. Firstly,

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00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:48,160
Speaker 2: both parties need to be on this same page. If

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Speaker 2: one person is not into it, there's no point in

433
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 2: even trying, because you need to have strong foundations and

434
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 2: you need to both be in agreement. That's what makes

435
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:03,160
Speaker 2: it consensual. Think strong foundations are essential in any relationship,

436
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:07,440
Speaker 2: but especially a situation where things can get murky quite

437
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 2: quickly and you are letting other people into your relationship,

438
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 2: especially when it's sexual as well. You know, if you're

439
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 2: dragging someone into this situation, if they're hesitant, if you

440
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:21,320
Speaker 2: need to pressure them, not only is that incredibly unfair,

441
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 2: but it's probably going to do a lot of damage,

442
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 2: not just to your relationship, but also to that person's

443
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 2: self esteem and their long term attachment style. Just don't

444
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,240
Speaker 2: do that. I think with most things, a no does

445
00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:38,360
Speaker 2: not mean convince me, and some people are just monogamous individuals.

446
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 2: But if it's a yes or there is some initial curiosity,

447
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,800
Speaker 2: you need to have a discussion around boundaries because these

448
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 2: are a what is going to keep you safe, what

449
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:54,600
Speaker 2: is going to prevent resentment and hurt, and also it's

450
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 2: going to allow your relationship to continue steadily. I have

451
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,560
Speaker 2: friends of who are in open relationships and they have

452
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:06,760
Speaker 2: some very strict boundaries that they have put in place. Together.

453
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 2: It was a collaborative effort. Some of the rules they

454
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 2: have include not seeing someone else more than twice a month,

455
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:17,600
Speaker 2: not dating friends or friending anybody they sleep with on

456
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:22,040
Speaker 2: social media, never inviting someone back to the place they share,

457
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 2: which for me seems like a no brainer, and things

458
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:29,400
Speaker 2: like always using protection. And also these varying levels of

459
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 2: not so much secrecy but or not honesty either, but

460
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,480
Speaker 2: the varying levels that they're willing to share about the

461
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 2: other people they're sleeping with or dating. I think the

462
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 2: more specific the better. But one of those boundaries is

463
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:49,360
Speaker 2: particularly important, and that's around being safe and using protection.

464
00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 2: You know, if it's not physically safe, it's not mentally safe,

465
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:56,960
Speaker 2: and STDs not something to muck around with. You just

466
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,479
Speaker 2: have to understand that you're taking a risk by sleeping

467
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:02,920
Speaker 2: with other people as you do whenever you have sex,

468
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 2: and make sure that both partners are safe in that arrangement.

469
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 2: I think you also need to be in a good

470
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:13,120
Speaker 2: place mentally and have a handle on what triggers you

471
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 2: in your monogamous relationship before making it non monogamous. Those

472
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,560
Speaker 2: things it's not going to change, right if it's something

473
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:24,640
Speaker 2: that upsets you when it's just YouTube, especially around jealousy

474
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:29,200
Speaker 2: or resentment or rejection. It's still going to trigger you

475
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 2: when your relationship is open. Things like jealousy, attachment styles,

476
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 2: childhood wounds, abandonment issues, they are all included in this

477
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:43,680
Speaker 2: realization and this discussion. Most people's biggest oppositions to open

478
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:47,520
Speaker 2: relationships is that they create jealousy that doesn't need to

479
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 2: be there. We may be constantly worried that our partner

480
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:54,720
Speaker 2: will find someone else, they're going to fall madly in

481
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:57,600
Speaker 2: love with them and leave us, Or there is this

482
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 2: constant suspicion or concern that your partner is having better

483
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 2: sex with other people, or likes the people they're dating

484
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:08,600
Speaker 2: more than you, And I think that's a really fair fear.

485
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,920
Speaker 2: But many of these fears are rooted in unconscious jealousy,

486
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 2: and they're unlikely to be true. Everything will be different

487
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 2: with another person, not better or worse. And if you're

488
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 2: in a place in your relationship whereby you have a

489
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 2: strong partnership that is not easily replaceable, I think that

490
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:32,000
Speaker 2: it is a very liberating idea sometimes to remove sexual

491
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:35,680
Speaker 2: and romantic ownership over each other and remember that you

492
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,360
Speaker 2: are choosing to be with each other, not out of

493
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 2: habit or for lack of other options, but because you

494
00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 2: do love the other person and you want them in

495
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 2: your life, but you also want them to be free

496
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,720
Speaker 2: and allow to explore other things, or other interests, or

497
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 2: other sexual fantasies or sexual proclivities that they may have.

498
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 2: I will say, though, we do all differ in our

499
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:02,880
Speaker 2: levels of innate intrinsic jealousy. If you are a naturally

500
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:07,200
Speaker 2: very jealous person, if you find that things around dating

501
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,799
Speaker 2: and sex and relationships do naturally trigger you to be

502
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:15,400
Speaker 2: resentful or envious or jealous, that is going to greatly

503
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:19,040
Speaker 2: influence how your open relationship is going to work, and

504
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:22,359
Speaker 2: it will impact your wellbeing. You will impact your long

505
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 2: term partnership. You need to examine where that comes from,

506
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 2: why you feel more intrinsically jealous. It's not your fault,

507
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, it's really from a

508
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 2: combination of factors. It's from things in your childhood, it's

509
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,360
Speaker 2: from early romantic relationships. But jealousy is always going to

510
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:44,080
Speaker 2: be a part of this situation, I think. And if

511
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,040
Speaker 2: you don't examine that, and you don't have an open

512
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:49,920
Speaker 2: dialogue with your partner around what exactly makes you jealous?

513
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:53,560
Speaker 2: And how that can be avoided, then you're kind of

514
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 2: doomed to fail. Other personal factors beyond jealousy are also

515
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:01,239
Speaker 2: going to determine the success of an open relationship, one

516
00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:05,160
Speaker 2: of those being attachment style, which I think is so crucial.

517
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,560
Speaker 2: It's a crucial conversation to be had even if you're

518
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:11,520
Speaker 2: not in a non monogamous relationship, but if you are

519
00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:17,440
Speaker 2: anxiously attached, this arrangement might not work for you because

520
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:21,240
Speaker 2: the idea of your partner going out sleeping with other people,

521
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,320
Speaker 2: sharing stories with them, going on dates, laughing at their jokes,

522
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:29,120
Speaker 2: it may be incredibly triggering of your childhood attachment wounds,

523
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:34,720
Speaker 2: especially wounds surrounding abandonment and rejection. If you haven't worked

524
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:38,680
Speaker 2: through that, you're going to find it incredibly difficult to

525
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:43,359
Speaker 2: understand that your partner will be doing those things and

526
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,320
Speaker 2: that you have allowed them to do that, but also

527
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,640
Speaker 2: that you're allowed to do that as well. Equally, if

528
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:53,239
Speaker 2: you have an avoidant attachment style, this relationship model may

529
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:57,719
Speaker 2: actually work really well for you on paper, but it

530
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:02,640
Speaker 2: may also cause you difficulties because you are already naturally

531
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:08,120
Speaker 2: opposed or hesitant around emotional intimacy and commitment. So if

532
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:11,319
Speaker 2: you then open your relationship, it might mean that you're

533
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:14,520
Speaker 2: actually putting a buffer to prevent you and your partner

534
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:19,280
Speaker 2: from ever actually reaching that level of emotional closeness because

535
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,919
Speaker 2: you are scared. Be aware of your attachment style and

536
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:26,920
Speaker 2: what leaves you feeling insecure or in a bad headspace,

537
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:31,120
Speaker 2: particularly around sex and intimacy in dating, before deciding to

538
00:36:31,239 --> 00:36:35,240
Speaker 2: jump right in. There are a few other factors like communication, trust,

539
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:40,560
Speaker 2: and of course honesty, which are fundamental. But I want

540
00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:43,359
Speaker 2: to zoom out for a second and talk about what

541
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,960
Speaker 2: it's like to be the third party or the other

542
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:51,880
Speaker 2: person in this situation. All right, storytime, vulnerable moment. I know,

543
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 2: I said I wasn't a fan of open relationships in

544
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,480
Speaker 2: my personal life, but I've actually been involved. I've dated,

545
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 2: I've been intimate with a couple of people who have

546
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 2: been in open relationships for a while before I realized

547
00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:06,839
Speaker 2: that dating these people was a sign of my own

548
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 2: emotional unavailability. These men were like cryptonite to me, the

549
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:17,000
Speaker 2: ultimate no strings attached arrangement, because I knew that they

550
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,919
Speaker 2: would never want anything more. I think I even had

551
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 2: like a prompt about ethical non monogamy on my Hinge

552
00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:26,920
Speaker 2: profile and The truth is I would not do it

553
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,400
Speaker 2: again because I'm not too interested in casual relationships anymore.

554
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,720
Speaker 2: But I did learn a lot about how to behave

555
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 2: as the third person or the outsider in these circumstances,

556
00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 2: and also how these people's relationships and their openness and

557
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,200
Speaker 2: communication could really inform this standard I had for my

558
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:49,440
Speaker 2: own long term partners, even though I'm looking for monogamy.

559
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:53,160
Speaker 2: There was a lot to take away from what I observed.

560
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:56,000
Speaker 2: There was this one guy in particular who I saw

561
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:58,840
Speaker 2: for almost I think like ten months when I first

562
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,160
Speaker 2: moved to Sydney, who was a lovely person. He lived

563
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,480
Speaker 2: with his girlfriend. He was super interesting. But I think

564
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 2: I started seeing him right after I'd had my heartbroken

565
00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:12,400
Speaker 2: and I was really looking to him for a small

566
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,480
Speaker 2: dose of intimacy to almost wean me off of my

567
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:20,200
Speaker 2: last relationship without the commitment. Here's what I want. If

568
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:21,799
Speaker 2: you want to sleep with someone who is in an

569
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 2: open relationship, you need to be really clear with yourself

570
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,480
Speaker 2: about a couple of things. Firstly, you have to be

571
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:31,759
Speaker 2: absolutely honest and clear with yourself that this person is

572
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:35,319
Speaker 2: not going to leave their partner for you. That is

573
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:38,120
Speaker 2: not going to happen, And if you pursue this connection

574
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,359
Speaker 2: thinking that you can somehow change that, or you do

575
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:45,040
Speaker 2: not respect their boundaries, you will only be disappointed. It's

576
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:47,719
Speaker 2: not fair to anyone, and you have to remember they

577
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:50,640
Speaker 2: have boundaries as well, so respect them, and you are

578
00:38:50,719 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 2: just going to get hurt. You might really like this person,

579
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 2: you might get all the woman fuzzies, but you have

580
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 2: to remember that they are not going to leave their

581
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,359
Speaker 2: partner for you at the end of the day. That's

582
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:05,560
Speaker 2: never going to happen. So are you prepared for that reality?

583
00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 2: Are you willing to accept that reality or should you

584
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 2: maybe start looking elsewhere. Secondly, I would say do not

585
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:15,960
Speaker 2: have sex with someone in an open relationship unless you

586
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 2: are on the same page about your own ideas of monogamy.

587
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 2: You know that right now you are not looking for

588
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:27,360
Speaker 2: a partnership or polyamory. If you are going into these situations,

589
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,880
Speaker 2: like I said, thinking that you want commitment or knowing

590
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:34,320
Speaker 2: that you are someone who is monogamous and you don't

591
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 2: like the idea that this person might be sleeping with

592
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 2: someone else i e. Their partner, that's just going to

593
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 2: be really triggering and upsetting for you. I would also

594
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 2: say make sure you're aware of their boundaries and the

595
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:50,399
Speaker 2: boundaries that they've set in their relationship. For example, one

596
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:53,880
Speaker 2: of the ones I mentioned earlier is that they can't

597
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,120
Speaker 2: see you more than once a month. That is super fair.

598
00:39:57,239 --> 00:39:59,839
Speaker 2: So it's not great to be hitting them up every

599
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,400
Speaker 2: week being like what are you up to? Because a

600
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:04,800
Speaker 2: you're going to be disappointed, but be it's not showing

601
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,799
Speaker 2: respect for their boundaries. Sometimes you just don't know what

602
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,640
Speaker 2: they are. But it is really worth asking and knowing

603
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:14,360
Speaker 2: that you're on the same page so that you don't

604
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:18,520
Speaker 2: cause drama first of all, but also you're not hurt

605
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:22,880
Speaker 2: and you're not left feeling disrespected. And finally, I would

606
00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:25,920
Speaker 2: say be really clear with yourself when it's time to

607
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,480
Speaker 2: walk away. If you start getting feelings for this person,

608
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,040
Speaker 2: it's time to walk away. It's like I said, it's

609
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 2: never going to work if you're feeling like this intense

610
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:39,200
Speaker 2: jealousy towards their partner, or you're like obsessed with looking

611
00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:41,919
Speaker 2: up you know, looking at them on social media, or

612
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 2: wondering what they're like when they're together. There's a natural

613
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 2: level of curiosity and then there is an obsession. And

614
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:53,799
Speaker 2: once you're obsessed, you've got to realize that this relationship

615
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 2: is not your relationship, and maybe you should walk away.

616
00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 2: It's it's very complicated, and it is i think, a

617
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,239
Speaker 2: very new model in some of our minds for how

618
00:41:03,239 --> 00:41:06,799
Speaker 2: to approach sex and dating, particularly in our twenties. But

619
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 2: hopefully you're wise enough, you're mature enough, you're an adult,

620
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:15,279
Speaker 2: and you should be okay with navigating some of that

621
00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:18,600
Speaker 2: complexity and have done the work on yourself to know

622
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:22,799
Speaker 2: when this arrangement is not right for you as the outsider,

623
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:25,160
Speaker 2: as the third party. I think we can learn a

624
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:28,879
Speaker 2: lot from this arrangement and this approach to a partnership,

625
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:33,320
Speaker 2: even if it's not personally for you. The conversations around

626
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:38,680
Speaker 2: boundaries that these couples have are often exceptional, and many

627
00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:43,200
Speaker 2: couples who approach dating and companionship in an open manner

628
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:47,480
Speaker 2: have discussions about things like sex and issues and boundaries

629
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,560
Speaker 2: that most couples would not because it needs to be

630
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,440
Speaker 2: on the table. They talk more about what trust means

631
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 2: to them, what they need. They talk about the interaction

632
00:41:56,360 --> 00:42:00,840
Speaker 2: between sex and their lives and what that means for

633
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:04,960
Speaker 2: their relationship. I think also some of the psychology behind

634
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:09,560
Speaker 2: it is really informative for us, for people who may

635
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:14,439
Speaker 2: be more monogamous, for example, understanding what personality traits kind

636
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:18,720
Speaker 2: of make us more receptive to this idea. Discussions around

637
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:24,359
Speaker 2: sociosexuality think it's really important to examine our own approaches

638
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:29,279
Speaker 2: to uncommitted dating and uncommitted casual sex. If you are

639
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,360
Speaker 2: someone who is looking for a partnership, if the idea

640
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:36,600
Speaker 2: of an open relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or icky,

641
00:42:36,719 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 2: or you're like, I would never do that, maybe you

642
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,879
Speaker 2: examine how you're approaching dating now, because if you're only

643
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 2: having casual relationships, those are technically, you know, open relationships,

644
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:50,840
Speaker 2: then norm monogamous, just without the commitment. So it's interesting

645
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:54,239
Speaker 2: that we are naturally very opposed to opening a partnership

646
00:42:54,520 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 2: to others, but very happy to open our situationships or

647
00:42:57,600 --> 00:43:00,600
Speaker 2: our casual relationships to other people come with some of

648
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 2: the same risks but also some of the same triggers.

649
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:08,880
Speaker 2: So examining your perspective and your opinion on open relationships

650
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,960
Speaker 2: also allows you to examine your opinion and perspective on

651
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 2: monogamous dating. I think additionally, it's really fascinating when we

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00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:22,640
Speaker 2: think about trust and acknowledge that people can have their

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00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:27,640
Speaker 2: own interests, needs, and desires and sexual desires beyond the

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00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:32,239
Speaker 2: core relationship, and that that relationship can still exist. It's

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00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 2: just part of a broader discussion that we're having as

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00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:38,080
Speaker 2: a society around whether the ideas that we've held for

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00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:41,799
Speaker 2: generations are really the correct ones to be having, whether

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00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:45,560
Speaker 2: they really do meet our needs as a society and

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00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,560
Speaker 2: as a generation. And a lot of people in their

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00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:51,400
Speaker 2: twenties are pushing back, and not just their twenties, of

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00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 2: all ages, and that's just so amazing to me. Whether

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00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,440
Speaker 2: you like this idea or you don't like this idea,

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00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:00,640
Speaker 2: I think it is really valuable to question norm and

664
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:05,640
Speaker 2: in this situation, monogamy is the norm, but with greater

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00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:09,120
Speaker 2: rates of divorce and greater rates of cheating, maybe it's

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00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:12,440
Speaker 2: worth examining whether that is the best way to go

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00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:16,239
Speaker 2: about dating and marriage and long term partnerships and even

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00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:19,880
Speaker 2: raising children or creating families. So this has been so

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00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:21,960
Speaker 2: fascinating to me, and I hope that if you're someone

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00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:24,880
Speaker 2: who's curious and you didn't know much about this, that

671
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:28,239
Speaker 2: you have learnt something as well. Feel free to share

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00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 2: this episode with a friend if it was a discussion

673
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,719
Speaker 2: you were having recently, maybe they could learn something from

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00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:36,880
Speaker 2: it as well, and as always, please feel free if

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00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:39,000
Speaker 2: you feel cool to do so, to leave a five

676
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:43,080
Speaker 2: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening

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00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:45,960
Speaker 2: right now. If you have an episode suggestion, if you

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00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:49,759
Speaker 2: have feedback, if you liked this episode, please reach out

679
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:53,359
Speaker 2: to me. At that Psychology podcast. On Instagram, you can

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00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,880
Speaker 2: see what episodes are coming up. You can vote on

681
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 2: upcoming episodes, or just be part of the community. It's

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00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:01,719
Speaker 2: always great to see more people over there, so I

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00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,480
Speaker 2: hope you give us a follow. If not, that's okay,

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00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:07,759
Speaker 2: but we will be back next week for another episode.

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00:45:07,920 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 2: So until then, stay safe and we will stay you

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Speaker 2: soon