WEBVTT - Jennie's Journal...Moving The Boulder Inside

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, friends,

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<v Speaker 1>welcome to I Choose Me. I'm really happy to be

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<v Speaker 1>here with you. Thanks for tuning in. Okay, I believe

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<v Speaker 1>in journaling. I've talked about it. You may already know that.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I do it just to empty my ramp at mine.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I do it to get the feelings out of

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<v Speaker 1>my body and it helps me see things more clearly

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<v Speaker 1>and my body just feels lighter. I need that sometimes.

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<v Speaker 1>The other day I sat down with a stack of

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<v Speaker 1>old journals I found in a drawer and I ended

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<v Speaker 1>up getting super sucked in. They were all kinds of

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<v Speaker 1>ramblings on those pages. There was a lot of blah

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<v Speaker 1>blah blah stuff. There was some big ideas for my

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<v Speaker 1>future pages and pages of notes that I take from

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<v Speaker 1>my Buddhist teachings class, which I can tell you guys,

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<v Speaker 1>if you want me to. But there was also a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of pain and loneliness and heartbreak, because yeah, that's

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<v Speaker 1>pretty much what journals are for. So I thought I

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<v Speaker 1>would share another journal entry with you. Who knows, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>some of these crazy words will resonate with you on

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<v Speaker 1>some level. This is what we are calling Jenny's journals.

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<v Speaker 1>Here is one from see here. Oh, this is a

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<v Speaker 1>good one. You know what. I'm sorry In advance there

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<v Speaker 1>might be a couple of f words, just saying May

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<v Speaker 1>twenty fifth, twenty nineteen. Oof, Am I stuck? I feel

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<v Speaker 1>this energy literally stuck inside me. I can actually close

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<v Speaker 1>my eyes and visualize it. I can see a giant

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<v Speaker 1>boulder wedged in a crevice. I can also see beautiful

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<v Speaker 1>nature all around as far as the eye can see

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<v Speaker 1>a lake, a waterfall, a deer sipping from a creek. Oh.

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<v Speaker 1>I just painted such a lovely picture anyway, But this

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<v Speaker 1>rock is stuck. Nothing I do seems to affect it.

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<v Speaker 1>I exercise, I spend time in nature. I have a

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<v Speaker 1>healthy family and a loving husband. We're still in our

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<v Speaker 1>honeymoon phase. I think, Ah, yes, this was twenty nineteen.

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<v Speaker 1>Even all that good stuff isn't dislodging it. I am

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<v Speaker 1>doing every single thing I have learned that's supposed to

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<v Speaker 1>help me out of a dip. That's what I call

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<v Speaker 1>a depression. They can kind of come and go for me.

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<v Speaker 1>I've returned to my Buddha classes. I'm trying to eat less,

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<v Speaker 1>sugar less, drinking, connect more with my family, trying to

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<v Speaker 1>stay focused on what brings others joy, trying to be

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<v Speaker 1>more gentle and kind with myself. This feeling of being

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<v Speaker 1>stuck isn't new. I've wandered so many times what is

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<v Speaker 1>wrong with me? I feel pretty sure that the problem

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<v Speaker 1>is all me and my brain. I've turned so far

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<v Speaker 1>inward that I'm isolating and keeping everyone from loving me. Earlier,

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<v Speaker 1>my daughter told me I was a narcissist. Oh and

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<v Speaker 1>h is that true? Or was she just trying to

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<v Speaker 1>hurt me? Because she's hurting. As I'm writing this, I

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<v Speaker 1>can actually feel a weird rumbling inside me. The rumbling

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<v Speaker 1>is moving the boulder ever so gently. I feel sad. Stella,

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<v Speaker 1>this is the healer that I was working with at

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<v Speaker 1>the time. Stella told me this would happen, that grief

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<v Speaker 1>would start bubbling up in me and play a big

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<v Speaker 1>part in this excavation process, the excavation of this rock

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<v Speaker 1>inside me. This morning, it was my dad's death. I

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<v Speaker 1>was thrust right into reliving it in my mind, reliving

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<v Speaker 1>all of those horrible visuals and memories. Tears streamed down

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<v Speaker 1>my face. Out of nowhere and now here I am.

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<v Speaker 1>I snuck out of bed trying not to wake anyone,

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<v Speaker 1>especially the dogs. They would attack me thinking I was

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<v Speaker 1>an intruder and wake up everybody. So yeah, here I

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<v Speaker 1>am on the green couch in my living room, just writing.

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<v Speaker 1>Is this a journal or a diary? I don't even

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<v Speaker 1>know whatever it is. I feel closer to this pen

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<v Speaker 1>and paper than I do anyone on this earth right now,

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<v Speaker 1>not including horses or dogs, or cats or any cute

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<v Speaker 1>little animals. Really sorry, snakes, I just can't love you.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what. I probably could if I tried, but

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to. Okay, let's stay on topic. As

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sitting here on this couch writing what my daughter

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<v Speaker 1>said about me, I'm feeling the rock shifting as I

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<v Speaker 1>wrote that down here on these pages a minute ago.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm feeling a torrent of pain come over me. There

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<v Speaker 1>is no fighting it off. But you know what, that's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>I need to feel this stuff. I rush and worry

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<v Speaker 1>and work and provide for my family all damn day.

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<v Speaker 1>I try to be available to everyone, anyone who needs me.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not making any time for myself. It's these kinds

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<v Speaker 1>of eruptions that I've been feeling over the past two

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<v Speaker 1>weeks since I met with Stella eruptions of feeling my

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<v Speaker 1>feelings and allowing myself to acknowledge them and actually sit

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<v Speaker 1>with them. It feels like they're just hurting me all

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<v Speaker 1>over again. This is hard. I am learning to be

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<v Speaker 1>gentle on myself. The little girl Jenny that lives inside me.

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<v Speaker 1>She's feeling so scared and afraid right now. Ooh, that's

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<v Speaker 1>a heavy one, you guys. But that's what journaling is for.

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<v Speaker 1>You're supposed to take those moments when there are no

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<v Speaker 1>words and you don't want to talk to anyone, you

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<v Speaker 1>don't want anyone else to know what you're really going through,

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<v Speaker 1>and you're supposed to write it down and get it

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<v Speaker 1>out so you can maybe feel better. So that was

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<v Speaker 1>a journal entry from twenty nineteen, and that was clearly

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<v Speaker 1>a rough period for me. Leaving through those old journals

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<v Speaker 1>has got me feeling them all over a little bit again,

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<v Speaker 1>so that doesn't feel very good. It also made me

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<v Speaker 1>feel grateful, though, for all the ups and the downs

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<v Speaker 1>that I've been through, because every one of them has

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<v Speaker 1>made me stronger and more resilient. Growth is painful. Change

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<v Speaker 1>is hard, but it's actually not as painful as feeling stuck,

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<v Speaker 1>feeling loaded down, like there's a giant rock inside of you.

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<v Speaker 1>I want to say this to you, don't give up.

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<v Speaker 1>Everything happens for a reason in our lives, even if

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<v Speaker 1>it doesn't make sense right now. You never know what

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<v Speaker 1>you're going to learn along the way. You have to

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<v Speaker 1>be ready for. You have to tackle it head on

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<v Speaker 1>and be relentless in your desire to be the best

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<v Speaker 1>version of yourselves. I don't remember this day. I do

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<v Speaker 1>remember sneaking out to the green couch, but I don't

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<v Speaker 1>remember writing all this, and I don't remember my daughter

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<v Speaker 1>calling me that. But that's probably a good thing, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's kind of weird to not remember these things, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I think my brain has selective memory.

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<v Speaker 1>So Stella was this world famous woman in La that

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<v Speaker 1>was a spiritual healer. I don't remember who told me

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<v Speaker 1>about her, and I drove to her house. She lives

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<v Speaker 1>in the Hollywood Hills and I was real nervous going

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<v Speaker 1>in there. It's always nervous starting with a new therapist

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<v Speaker 1>or going to a new person to talk about your deepest,

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<v Speaker 1>darkest feelings and insecurities and really hard. But she had

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<v Speaker 1>this really hippy, dippy house in the hills, and there

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<v Speaker 1>were wind chimes everywhere, and it had a little pretty

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<v Speaker 1>view of the canyon, and I started. I sat outside

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<v Speaker 1>for a little while before I went in. I sat

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<v Speaker 1>outside on her deck and I I just took some

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<v Speaker 1>deep breaths and calmed myself down and I started to

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<v Speaker 1>feel pretty good. So I went in. She was gorgeous.

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<v Speaker 1>When she answered the door. I was like, oh, hello, tall,

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<v Speaker 1>beautiful lady. And then I felt a little insecure again,

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<v Speaker 1>but I kept going. She brought me in was so kind.

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<v Speaker 1>I met her cat. He was nice, and she laid

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<v Speaker 1>me down on this mat in her office and told

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<v Speaker 1>me to close my eyes and she just did some

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<v Speaker 1>like crazy. I don't know what she was doing because

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<v Speaker 1>my eyes were closed, but it felt like she was

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<v Speaker 1>like scanning over my body with her hands, like trying

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<v Speaker 1>to find getting touch with my energy and find my blockages,

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<v Speaker 1>I guess. And she just did that for a really

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<v Speaker 1>long time and didn't say anything, and at times I

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<v Speaker 1>was laying there thinking, is anything happening? Is this helping?

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<v Speaker 1>This costs a lot and my game my money's worth.

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<v Speaker 1>Then she told me to open my eyes and she

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<v Speaker 1>had me go sit on a chair over there and

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<v Speaker 1>we just sat there silently for a while, and then

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<v Speaker 1>she started telling me what she felt where she felt

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<v Speaker 1>the blockages, and it was crazy. It was so accurate

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<v Speaker 1>and it was so right where I was, and she

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<v Speaker 1>had no idea what I was dealing with when I

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<v Speaker 1>went in there, I hadn't told her anything. And I

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<v Speaker 1>left there I kind of dazed and confused and feeling

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<v Speaker 1>weird in my body, like all the little bits of

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<v Speaker 1>me were bubbling up inside of me somehow, like I

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<v Speaker 1>was so unsettled. And she had told me that that

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<v Speaker 1>would happen, and that I should be gentle with myself

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<v Speaker 1>and tolerant and kind to any feelings that come up.

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<v Speaker 1>So that's what I did after I saw her, and

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<v Speaker 1>I only saw her one other time, I think, And

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<v Speaker 1>the results sort of like happened slowly over time as

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<v Speaker 1>the work that she had done sort of like integrated

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<v Speaker 1>into my body and mind, and then it sort of

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<v Speaker 1>started to manifest, and it was really incredible. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know what else to say about it. It was a

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<v Speaker 1>really incredible experience. Do you guys want to know about

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<v Speaker 1>my Buddha classes. I'm not a Buddhist, I'm not really

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<v Speaker 1>any religion. I believe in spirit and energy and silly

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<v Speaker 1>maybe to some things like angels, but that's my belief.

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<v Speaker 1>And I've still I did a lot of different religions.

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<v Speaker 1>I grew up Christian. I converted to Catholicism when I

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<v Speaker 1>married Peter out of respect for his family. I'm married

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<v Speaker 1>to a half Jewish man right now. And I've studied

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<v Speaker 1>Gabala and Buddhism and all the things. I can't remember

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<v Speaker 1>the name of it, but I've studied a lot. And

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<v Speaker 1>this class that I go to in Hollywood, it's just

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<v Speaker 1>as a place where you go and you listen to

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<v Speaker 1>a teacher talk to you about the writings of a

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<v Speaker 1>Buddhist monk and all the things that I have learned

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<v Speaker 1>and heard in that class. I take vigorous notes because

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<v Speaker 1>I have not a great memory, so I take notes

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<v Speaker 1>the whole entire time someone's talking. And I go back

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<v Speaker 1>and look at those notes now, and they every time

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<v Speaker 1>I read them, they help me. They make me feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm gonna be okay and I can handle things.

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<v Speaker 1>And it's just the verbiage, the way the words are

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<v Speaker 1>put together. They really resonated in my brain and made

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<v Speaker 1>that sort of comprehension easier for me, and I was

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<v Speaker 1>able to incorporate them into my everyday life and I

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<v Speaker 1>love it. So if you're ever in La hit me up,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll tell you about where to go. I was referencing

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<v Speaker 1>a boulder in that entry. During other times of anxiousness

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<v Speaker 1>in my life, I felt like there was an elephant

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<v Speaker 1>sitting on my chest, like a big, fatty elephant, and

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<v Speaker 1>he was just sitting there. She he, I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>just sitting there. And I kind of feel it right

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<v Speaker 1>now when I'm talking about it, like just a pressure

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<v Speaker 1>in the middle of my chest, and it makes it

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit hard to breathe the more you focus

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<v Speaker 1>on it. And for some reason, this entry was about

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<v Speaker 1>a rock that I had felt inside of me was

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<v Speaker 1>stifling me from speaking and communicating and expressing my feelings.

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<v Speaker 1>And I really didn't like that feeling of that boulder

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<v Speaker 1>sitting in me, so I knew I had to do

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<v Speaker 1>work to get it out. And I think you have

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<v Speaker 1>to be really brave to tackle these things. Sometimes you

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<v Speaker 1>have to be brave to talk about that elephant or

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<v Speaker 1>that boulder with someone, and you have to be courageous

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<v Speaker 1>to take the steps to make the changes so you'll

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<v Speaker 1>feel better. I also mentioned in that journal entry that

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<v Speaker 1>in twenty nineteen, it was weird Dave and I were

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<v Speaker 1>still in our honeymoon phase. That's what they call it,

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<v Speaker 1>right that, like a year after you get married. I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's over. I'm not trying to be funny, but

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<v Speaker 1>I do. I think that's past, as it does for everyone,

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<v Speaker 1>probably in some way, at some level. But our love

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<v Speaker 1>has evolved into a different phase. And that's what it's

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<v Speaker 1>supposed to do, you know, because relationships are always growing

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<v Speaker 1>and changing, and if they're not, then I think I

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<v Speaker 1>would become bored. I would become complacent. And it's really

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<v Speaker 1>important to me and hopefully woever I'm with that it

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<v Speaker 1>keeps changing. Challenges keep coming up, and we keep facing

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<v Speaker 1>them head on, and we work through them and reach

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<v Speaker 1>another level in our relationship and another level and another level.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think that feels good to me because I

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<v Speaker 1>want to grow and I want my partner to grow,

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<v Speaker 1>and I want our love to grow. I know I

0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:53.560
<v Speaker 1>brought up my father's passing in this. He died in

0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:56.920
<v Speaker 1>two thousand and eight and it's twenty twenty four. I

0:14:56.920 --> 0:14:58.520
<v Speaker 1>don't do math, so I don't know how many years

0:14:58.520 --> 0:15:02.200
<v Speaker 1>that is. But those feelings sometimes still come up, and

0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:06.280
<v Speaker 1>they're always going to feel awful, and you know, you've

0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:08.520
<v Speaker 1>got to learn because they're always going to be inside

0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:10.960
<v Speaker 1>of you. That I remember Hodell talked about on a

0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:14.320
<v Speaker 1>podcast that rock that we keep in our pocket. That

0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:19.280
<v Speaker 1>is the grief rock. It's always with us, and we

0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:22.200
<v Speaker 1>have to learn to just kind of put it gently

0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:25.240
<v Speaker 1>back in that pocket, go ahead and be okay with

0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:30.240
<v Speaker 1>carrying it around with us, but also know that we

0:15:30.320 --> 0:15:34.200
<v Speaker 1>get used to having that rock and we learn to

0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:38.880
<v Speaker 1>live with it in different ways. And for me personally,

0:15:39.640 --> 0:15:45.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm comforted by that rock. I'm comforted by all the

0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:48.600
<v Speaker 1>rocks of the people that I've lost. That might sound weird,

0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:54.360
<v Speaker 1>but that's how I feel. I also wrote about working

0:15:54.440 --> 0:16:00.960
<v Speaker 1>really hard in that entry, working to provide for my family. Yeah,

0:16:01.120 --> 0:16:05.160
<v Speaker 1>I work to provide for my family. I don't work

0:16:05.200 --> 0:16:10.360
<v Speaker 1>to buy Birken bags and Gucci belts, you know. I

0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:15.440
<v Speaker 1>work to be able to continue providing for my family,

0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:19.200
<v Speaker 1>taking them on trips, being able to travel places to

0:16:19.320 --> 0:16:23.840
<v Speaker 1>visit my family in other cities. That's never going to

0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:26.360
<v Speaker 1>change for me. That work ethic that I have and

0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:29.680
<v Speaker 1>my priorities when it comes to spending. But a lot

0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:32.600
<v Speaker 1>has changed since twenty nineteen. For me, I was out

0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:35.520
<v Speaker 1>of work. I was just juggling, you know, trying to

0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:37.880
<v Speaker 1>figure out what was next, and like throwing all the

0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:39.560
<v Speaker 1>things on the wall and trying to figure out what

0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:42.160
<v Speaker 1>was going to stick. But yeah, so much has changed.

0:16:43.160 --> 0:16:47.760
<v Speaker 1>And I mean, now I have this podcast. I'm so

0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:51.080
<v Speaker 1>happy to have this podcast. I have a clothing line

0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:52.960
<v Speaker 1>that I do with my family. I have so many

0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:57.200
<v Speaker 1>other opportunities because of all that. And I think it's

0:16:57.240 --> 0:17:00.960
<v Speaker 1>because of that hard work. I think it's because of

0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:05.400
<v Speaker 1>my priorities. And I'm pretty sure that my family knows that,

0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:08.320
<v Speaker 1>and they see that and they recognize that. I know

0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:12.480
<v Speaker 1>that Lola definitely acknowledges the hard work because she's part

0:17:12.520 --> 0:17:15.480
<v Speaker 1>of the hard work. Now I've sucked her and she

0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:19.720
<v Speaker 1>knows how hard it is to climb out of the

0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:23.440
<v Speaker 1>trenches and be successful again and starting to create an

0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:28.560
<v Speaker 1>income again. So I mean, I think it's important to

0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:32.040
<v Speaker 1>let your family in on how hard you work and

0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:35.480
<v Speaker 1>why you work so hard and why that's important to you.

0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:39.280
<v Speaker 1>I Mean, the roughest part of that entry was when

0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:41.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to say who, but one of my

0:17:41.960 --> 0:17:48.400
<v Speaker 1>daughters called me a narcissist. Oh, I don't think I'm

0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:52.760
<v Speaker 1>a narcissist. And she also called me you guys, not

0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:56.399
<v Speaker 1>as harsh. No mom wants to hear that. Nah huh no,

0:17:56.600 --> 0:17:59.480
<v Speaker 1>thank you. And in your mind, you're like, after all,

0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:02.600
<v Speaker 1>I do you? This is how you appreciate me, like,

0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:09.399
<v Speaker 1>you know, the typical conversation. But she was young, and

0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:13.439
<v Speaker 1>she was coping with a lot, and there was a

0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:17.399
<v Speaker 1>lot of outside pressures put on her. And I never

0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:21.399
<v Speaker 1>for a minute took that personally. I never for a

0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:25.760
<v Speaker 1>minute held that against her because I knew she didn't

0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:30.840
<v Speaker 1>mean it. I know she loves me. And sometimes kids

0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.280
<v Speaker 1>got a vent, you know, they need to let stuff

0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:37.320
<v Speaker 1>out too, And yeah, I tell I've told all my girls,

0:18:37.359 --> 0:18:41.280
<v Speaker 1>do you need to start journaling? Don't feel better? Two

0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:44.760
<v Speaker 1>of them do? Three of them actually do, but not consistently.

0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:49.600
<v Speaker 1>And I think you know, I'm always saying, go back

0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:53.320
<v Speaker 1>to your journaling. If you're struggling, get it out, because

0:18:53.680 --> 0:18:57.480
<v Speaker 1>when you walk around with that stuff inside of you festering,

0:18:58.160 --> 0:19:02.080
<v Speaker 1>it affects your experience throughout your day. It affects how

0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:05.440
<v Speaker 1>you show up to other people and how you make

0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:10.959
<v Speaker 1>other people feel and from my perspective, life is all

0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:13.239
<v Speaker 1>about making the people you love or the people you

0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:17.119
<v Speaker 1>encounter feel better about themselves and feel good. And I

0:19:17.160 --> 0:19:19.439
<v Speaker 1>didn't come out of the womb knowing that. I mean,

0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:21.320
<v Speaker 1>maybe I came out of the womb knowing that, because

0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:24.280
<v Speaker 1>you know, we're so innocent, but I certainly lost sight

0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:27.960
<v Speaker 1>of that for a long time. And now I'm able

0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:32.680
<v Speaker 1>to really see what's so so important in life. And

0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:35.920
<v Speaker 1>at the end of the day, it's not what you did,

0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:41.920
<v Speaker 1>it's how you made people feel. And I still do

0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:46.600
<v Speaker 1>not care for snakes. You guys, no, thank you. So

0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:51.439
<v Speaker 1>there you have another journal entry from yours. Truly. I

0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:54.639
<v Speaker 1>hope you guys liked it. I hope maybe some of

0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:58.600
<v Speaker 1>the words resonate with you in some way, maybe jostle

0:19:58.680 --> 0:20:01.159
<v Speaker 1>something up inside of you. Thanks for listening to that

0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:04.040
<v Speaker 1>Chuesing podcast. I love you. I will be right here

0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:05.919
<v Speaker 1>next week, and I hope you will choose to be

0:20:05.960 --> 0:20:07.120
<v Speaker 1>here too,