WEBVTT - Chapter 5 - 1986 0:00:01.040 --> 0:00:05.199 Lighthouse is a production of I Heart Radio and bamfor Productions. 0:00:07.440 --> 0:00:11.160 Thirteen years passed since my father died. Thirteen years since 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:13.640 something had worked its way into his soul and tried 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:16.320 to kill my family using his face as a disguise. 0:00:16.800 --> 0:00:19.560 Thirteen years I lived with the pain of knowing that 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:22.240 I wasn't strong enough to stop him. Though the mental 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:25.479 anguish has lingered, I got off easy compared to my family. 0:00:25.920 --> 0:00:29.960 My mother thankfully survived her fall from the second story. However, 0:00:30.080 --> 0:00:32.040 she struck her spine in such a way that she 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:35.240 was confined to a wheelchair. She hadn't lost all mobility 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:37.200 of her legs, but enough of it where she could 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:40.360 no longer walk on her own. My sister suffered injuries 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:42.800 from the shot gum blasts, but was still able to walk, 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:46.159 albeit with a limp. But the emotional torment of taking 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:48.960 our father's life, especially in such a brutal way, had 0:00:49.000 --> 0:00:51.640 taken its toll on her. In many ways. She had 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:54.680 reverted to a more childlike state, a ten year old 0:00:54.720 --> 0:00:57.800 stuck in a late twentysomething's body. I stayed with my 0:00:57.840 --> 0:00:59.880 mother and Leni for as long as I could poss 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.480 please stand it. At first, I tried to convince my 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:04.880 mother to leave, to sell lighthouse and get as far 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:08.520 away as humanly possible, but she refused for some reason. 0:01:09.000 --> 0:01:11.840 She was determined to make it work and keep the 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:15.880 house that she yearned so desperately for. However, for me, 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:19.800 staying in the house became too much. Seeing them every 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:23.160 day reminded me of that night, of the terror I felt, 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:25.520 of how sure I was that my life was going 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.840 to end. The ghosts roaming the halls were quiet for 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:32.559 some time, the darkness is hunger sated, but it wasn't 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:35.360 long before they returned. I left as soon as I 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:37.680 was able to. A part of me felt like I 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:40.600 was a horrible person, abandoning my family during a time 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:43.720 that they needed me the most. But staying around lighthouse 0:01:44.040 --> 0:01:47.400 wallowing and misery as the world just passed by it 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:49.440 was not how I wanted to spend the rest of 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:53.000 my life. Hiding out from the leering gaze of ghosts 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:56.120 and shadow creatures was not something I wanted my world 0:01:56.120 --> 0:01:59.720 to solely consist of. By the time the first anniversary 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:02.360 of my father's death came around, I had packed up 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:05.640 and gone. At first, I still came to visit, to 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:08.080 see and care for my mother and my sister to 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:11.080 make sure they were okay. But soon my visits became 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:15.200 less and less frequent, until they stopped altogether. Instead, the 0:02:15.240 --> 0:02:19.480 telephone was my only connection left to Lighthouse, and even 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:21.440 then I rushed off the phone as soon as I 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:24.560 possibly could. Even just listening to them depressed me and 0:02:24.600 --> 0:02:28.400 brought back too many bad memories. Thirteen years passed since 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:30.840 my father tried to kill us, but it was almost 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:33.240 ten since I had laid eyes on my mother, or 0:02:33.240 --> 0:02:36.400 my sister, or even my old home. I thought that 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:39.440 this was finally it. I had severed my connection to 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:41.880 that place of madness once and for all, and I 0:02:41.919 --> 0:02:45.120 would finally be free of its curse. I was naive 0:02:45.200 --> 0:03:06.040 to think I would never set foot in Lighthouse again. Lighthouse, 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:34.360 Chapter five. For almost ten years, my life was normal, 0:03:35.320 --> 0:03:39.280 blissfully so as a life of boring mediocrity was exactly 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:42.680 what I wanted. After those first stressful years of my life, 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:45.280 I decided that I needed to move as far away 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:49.160 from Lighthouse as possible, away from the ocean at the time, 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:52.720 and with the money I had that translated into Newark, Maryland. 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:55.480 It wasn't the most wonderful place in the world, but 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:58.560 it was not Lighthouse, and that was good enough for me. 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:01.840 I got a job as a secretary for a construction 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.720 company and made enough to live comfortably on my own. 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:09.240 I made a few friends, creating some lasting relationships, and 0:04:09.280 --> 0:04:12.800 for the first time in a long time, I was happy. 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:16.279 About a year after I moved there, I met Chris. 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:18.880 He had just moved into town and recently got a 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:21.479 job as a driver for the same company I worked for. 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:26.440 We talked, flirted, even endlessly for months, until finally he 0:04:26.480 --> 0:04:28.960 worked up the there of to ask me how We 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:31.880 were married a year later. It was a small ceremony 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:34.240 at the courthouse with just a few close friends and 0:04:34.279 --> 0:04:38.239 his family and attendance. I invited my mother and my sister, 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:40.880 but it wasn't a surprise when they didn't show up. 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:44.960 In truth, I was relieved I had kept my past 0:04:45.040 --> 0:04:47.520 and my family a secret from my new friends, so 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:50.280 that saved me from having to explain the hardships I've 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:54.640 been through. Life with Chris was great. Like all relationships, 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:57.120 there were ups and downs, but Chris remained by my 0:04:57.200 --> 0:05:00.320 side and I by his through all of them. We 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:03.560 had a modest apartment together that eventually turned into a 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:07.480 nice condo, and then into our own home, a home 0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:12.600 that was nothing like Lighthouse. Soon that home was haunted 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:16.320 by an entity other than us, a baby boy named Kevin. 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:20.120 His laughter echoed through our halls, just as his cries 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:23.200 echoed through the night. He was our pride and joy, 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:26.839 and we loved him with everything we had. Chris wanted 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:28.800 to name him after my side of the family, but 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:30.800 I was not going to be reminded of what I 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:34.000 left behind, and so we settled on the name of 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:40.040 his great grandfather. Things were good. I was happy, We 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:45.200 were happy, and then the nightmares started. The details of 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:47.919 them varied from night to night, but the subject matter 0:05:48.000 --> 0:05:52.200 was always the same Lighthouse. Sometimes I was a child again, 0:05:52.279 --> 0:05:55.080 running through the halls, playing with my sister, before coming 0:05:55.120 --> 0:05:57.720 across the residence of the house I tried so hard 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:01.120 to forget. Sometimes I was being chased by the shadowy thing, 0:06:01.480 --> 0:06:03.960 gaining on my heels as it jumped in and out 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:07.680 of the walls to get to me. Sometimes it was 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:10.840 of the lighthouse on the bluff, the dim glow from 0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:13.640 the top shining down on me until it became so 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:16.680 bright that I went blind. It got bad enough that 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:20.480 Chris suggested I go see a therapist. Jan was her name. 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:23.760 At first I was unsure about her. I had seen 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:26.760 enough doctors during my youth that I had grown skeptical 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.919 of them, But over time I began to open up 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:33.400 to her. In fact, I found that I had bottled 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:36.080 up so much of my past for so long that 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:37.960 it was a relief to get it off my chest. 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:41.359 She was interested in my medical records from when I 0:06:41.400 --> 0:06:44.160 was a child, but at last I did not have 0:06:44.240 --> 0:06:46.880 copies of them, and I was hesitant to reach out 0:06:46.880 --> 0:06:49.479 to my mother for them. Who knew if she even 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:52.400 had them any longer, I filled in the blanks as 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:56.600 best I could. I saw things, and my parents were concerned. 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:00.000 I got brave enough with her that I even told 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:02.400 told her of the things in the house. I was 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:05.600 afraid she would laugh, that she would not believe me, 0:07:06.240 --> 0:07:09.279 but she just listened intently and gave her advice. Afterward, 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:13.920 Jan was wonderful and truly believed the nightmares were manifestations 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:17.040 of my not completely dealing with the past. Also, to 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:20.640 be fair, she wasn't wrong. I had not really dealt 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:23.880 with the ramifications of that night with my father, nor 0:07:24.000 --> 0:07:28.560 everything that came before. As for the ghostly dwellers in Lighthouse. 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.760 She did have a purely scientific theory about their existence, 0:07:32.480 --> 0:07:35.880 especially based on my medical issues as a child. Considering 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.239 how my family unit had deteriorated over time, she felt 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:41.800 that both my sister and I had a sort of 0:07:41.960 --> 0:07:46.120 shared delusion that sounds much worse than it actually is. 0:07:46.720 --> 0:07:49.920 But in short, we created a scenario to help us 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:53.120 better cope with the conditions of our home life. Instead 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:55.880 of our father beating our mother, we believed that a 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.760 dark entity in our home was causing him to do so. 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:04.720 Psycho analytical assumptions aside, it did make sense, especially given 0:08:04.760 --> 0:08:08.320 that I had a history of such In fact, I 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:12.360 even believed that explanation myself for a while, but in 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:16.040 my heart I knew that was not true. I was 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:18.880 cured when I was a child, so there was none 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:22.160 of that left in me. Instead, the things living in 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:25.400 the dark of Lighthouse were real. They had to be. 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:29.480 Around the time we entered the nineties, my nightmares stopped 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:33.240 being nightmares and stepped into the real world in one 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:37.040 of the most frightening ways possible. Chris was at work 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:39.360 and I had the day off, so I decided to 0:08:39.400 --> 0:08:41.880 take Keaven for a walk to the park. He had 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:43.679 a lot of energy that morning, and I thought it 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:46.360 would be best for him to expel it there. He 0:08:46.480 --> 0:08:48.560 was four at the time, the prime age for running 0:08:48.600 --> 0:08:51.720 around and playing with other children on the playground. It 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:54.319 was dreary that day, the sun not quite burning through 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:58.120 the clouds yet, but the park was crowded. Nonetheless, by 0:08:58.160 --> 0:08:59.920 the time we made it to the playground, I had 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:03.840 early said the words be careful before Kevin took off 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:06.880 to be with his friends. I sat down on a 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:09.400 bench nearby, watching him weave in and out of you 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:13.080 as I sipped on my coffee. Some of the other 0:09:13.120 --> 0:09:16.480 mothers I was friendly with came and went, sharing a 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.640 few scattered conversations before they moved on to say hello 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:23.360 to the others. My eyes kept watching the playground as 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:26.440 the sea of children movements sometimes made it difficult to 0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:30.439 see Kevin, sending momentary waves of panic through me, but 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:34.360 he always reappeared A few seconds later. I was in 0:09:34.400 --> 0:09:36.920 the middle of speaking to another mom about a sale 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:40.960 a local grocer was having on apples, a typically mundane 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:44.439 thing to be talking about, when something caught my eye 0:09:45.200 --> 0:09:47.840 at the far end of the playground, through the jungle 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:52.360 gym area, and beyond the swings stood a man. He 0:09:52.480 --> 0:09:54.640 was hard to make out, as the children swinging back 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.200 and forth on the swings made it somewhat difficult to 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:59.520 get a good look at him. But the more I 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:02.880 stared in his direction, the more I realized he was 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:07.840 looking down at something or someone. Rather. This man gave 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:10.200 me a bad feeling, so my eyes darted around the 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:13.000 playground looking for Kevin, just to make sure he was safe. 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:16.160 But I didn't see him, not running around, not coming 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:19.000 down the slide, not even playing ball in the field. 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:22.439 I stood up, my eyes continued to search on the 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:24.880 verge of panic. When I looked back to the man, 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:30.480 he still stood there, looking down, nodding his head at 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:35.319 a child, and I realized that child was Kevin, my son, 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:38.680 talking to this stranger. I started to walk that direction, 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:40.960 weaving in and out of running children, to get my 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:44.360 son away from this strange man. As I did, the 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:47.400 man looked up and locked eyes with me, stopping me 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:51.560 cold in my tracks. It was then that I realized 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:55.480 he was wearing an Edwardian coat with a bowler hat 0:10:55.520 --> 0:11:00.600 atop his head. He smiled at me and chilled me. 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:04.520 It had been so long since I had seen him that. 0:11:04.559 --> 0:11:06.600 It caught me off guard. As soon as my mind 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:10.280 registered who it was. It was the man in the hat, 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:17.200 hundreds of miles from lighthouse here with my son, My 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:20.800 entire world went blank and I saw nothing but him. 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:23.720 What was he doing here? How did he get here? 0:11:24.200 --> 0:11:27.400 What did he want? I broke into a run, swerving 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:29.920 around kids, even knocking one out of my way, to 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:32.120 get to him. It took me longer than I hoped. 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:36.480 As I ran, my eyes locked on them. As I looked, 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:40.880 the man in the hat simply disappeared into thin air. 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:44.920 By the time I reached Kevin, I was terrified. I 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:48.679 grabbed him and asked him what happened. He just looked 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:52.520 at me with white eyes, Confused. I asked him about 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:54.320 the man in the hat, but he didn't know what 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:58.040 I was talking about. He had no recollection of seeing him, 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:00.960 and instead was angry that I was keeping him from playing. 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:03.719 He tried to squirm out of my grip, but we 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:06.480 needed to go. There was no chance I was going 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:09.240 to stay there after what I had seen. I dragged 0:12:09.320 --> 0:12:11.840 Kevin home, almost kicking and screaming, and tried to put 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:14.840 it out of my mind. When Chris came home that night. 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.280 I told him I wasn't feeling well and went to bed. 0:12:17.920 --> 0:12:21.400 When sleep finally did come, it was restless. I awoke 0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:23.440 in the middle of the night from a nightmare when 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:27.760 that involved lighthouse again. Unfortunately, I could not get back 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:31.240 to sleep. Not wanting to wake Chris, I went into 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:33.960 the living room to try to pass the time. I 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:36.960 made myself some tea and was about to settle down 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:40.760 to watch some television when something compelled me to take 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:43.560 a look out the window. I went over to it, 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:47.120 almost as if under some kind of spell, and lifted 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:50.000 the curtain back to see into the night. My eyes 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:52.840 weren't quite adjusted yet, so it was just a blank 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:57.080 canvas before me. But soon the black blobs of the 0:12:57.120 --> 0:13:00.800 evening took shape and I looked around. Was normal at 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:06.720 first glance, until I looked up the street. They're standing 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:09.680 under a street light was the man in the hat. 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:13.720 I gasped and nearly dropped my tea. He stared in 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:16.600 my direction as I tried to remain calm and did 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.280 the only thing I could do I think I hadn't 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:23.079 done in some time. I closed my eyes and I 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:40.800 counted to five, one, two, three, four five, I opened 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:45.240 my eyes and he was still there, tipping his hat 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:48.880 as he smiled. I quickly moved back from the window, 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.720 replacing the curtain again. I didn't want to see him anymore, 0:13:51.760 --> 0:13:54.080 nor did I want him to see me. But over 0:13:54.120 --> 0:13:57.760 the coming days it didn't matter. Anytime I closed my eyes, 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:01.959 I saw him standing there smile at me, a byproduct 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:05.480 of my imagination. But it wasn't long before he sprung 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:08.400 from my mind and started to appear in my everyday 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:12.319 life in the aisles of the grocery store, the hallways, 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:16.360 at work, outside Kevin's school on the street corner as 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:19.240 I drove by, the man in the hat was back, 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.480 and he wanted me to notice him. After a few 0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:25.360 days of this, I couldn't stand it anymore. I called 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:27.960 Jan and asked if we could move my appointment up. 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:30.960 Jan listened and did her best to try to comfort 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:33.720 me about it, but for some reason it didn't help. 0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:37.760 His reappearance back in my life shook me to my core, 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:42.600 and my usual coping mechanisms were not helping. So Jan 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:47.400 suggested something unorthodox. Perhaps you're seeing him is your mind's 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:50.480 unconscious way of letting you know you need closure. She 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:55.040 told me closure for what I asked her. Your father's death, 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:59.320 your repressed childhood, your guilt over leaving your family behind 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.400 in your new life life. She said, perhaps it's time 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:04.600 you went back home to confront your fears so you 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:07.200 can put them behind you once and for all. Maybe 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.200 if you looked hard enough, you might find some answers 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:16.120 to the questions you seek. Questions I asked about the house, 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:19.880 it's history, your family. You said your father didn't talk 0:15:19.960 --> 0:15:23.000 much about his family before you moved into Lighthouse. Maybe 0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:26.000 if you learned more about them, these things won't bother 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:29.080 you as much. Maybe if you learn about this man 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:32.640 in the hat who he is, maybe he will go away. 0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:36.480 I rejected the thought the moment she said it, But 0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:38.760 as I left my session and saw the man in 0:15:38.760 --> 0:15:41.120 the hat waiting to tip his hat toward me on 0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:45.600 my way to the parking lot, I reconsidered. That night, 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:49.480 I debated it the pros and the cons to try 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:53.360 to come up with another solution, but none came to mind, 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:56.120 and the thought of seeing him every day for the 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:58.920 rest of my life, ruining the piece I had created 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:02.560 for myself was too much to bear. For the sake 0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:05.040 of my family, my Chris and my little Kevin. I 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:08.480 knew what I had to do. It was time to 0:16:08.520 --> 0:16:18.119 go back to Lighthouse. Lighthouse will return after these messages, 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:34.360 and now back to Lighthouse. The road back to Lighthouse 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:37.400 was not an easy one. Though only a few hundred 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:40.480 miles from my new home, the drive was long and arduous. 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:44.640 My car, usually reliable in all conditions, broke down along 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:47.560 the turnpike on my journey there. The repairs were going 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:49.920 to take a few days, so I left it with 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:51.920 a mechanic and took a loaner for the rest of 0:16:51.920 --> 0:16:55.600 the route. The loner was not nearly as reliable as 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:58.640 my car and was prone to overheating. I had to 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.840 refill the water and let it cooled down every few hours. 0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:05.639 The stopping and starting was grating on my nerves. I 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:08.359 was anxious to just get there, already to be done 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:11.640 with my visit, but vehicles were not making it any 0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:16.080 easier on me, nor was my family. I called my 0:17:16.119 --> 0:17:18.320 mother before I left, letting her know that I was 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.280 coming for a visit. She was cold over the phone, 0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:25.199 uninterested in hearing from her eldest daughter, but agreeing to 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:28.200 let me stop by. She hung up before I had 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:30.160 the chance to tell her when I would get there. 0:17:31.000 --> 0:17:33.720 I guess it was going to be a surprise. By 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.080 the time I pulled into the driveway, the car was 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.560 on its last legs. Smoke was billowing from beneath the hood, 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:41.800 and rather than attempting to make it the last half 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.200 mile to the house, I just pulled over and left 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:48.040 it there, lighthouse looming in the not so far distance, 0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:52.280 I walked toward it slowly, apprehension taking hold of me. 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:56.040 Ten years had passed since I had last seen the house, 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.000 but from the way things looked, it may as well 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:02.080 have been fifty. The grounds of the house were in disarray, 0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:05.480 the great lawn filled with tall weaves and neglect. The 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:08.520 red oak tree out front, though still a massive presence, 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:13.679 was dying, its withered branches twisting downward. A lighthouse still 0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:16.840 stood on the bluff, a dark shape against the gray sky. 0:18:17.480 --> 0:18:20.439 The house itself was no better, with peeling paint at 0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:23.840 every corner and loose shutters hanging off their hinges. If 0:18:23.880 --> 0:18:26.000 I hadn't known any better, I would have thought it 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:29.280 to be abandoned. The house finely reflected what I had 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:33.399 always thought of it, rotten and neglected. When I reached 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:37.160 the porch. The steps creaked underneath me, and I held 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:40.240 my breath. I wasn't ready to face my family or 0:18:40.280 --> 0:18:43.600 whatever waited for me in lighthouse. I had no choice. 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:47.119 I was already there. I knocked on the door before 0:18:47.160 --> 0:18:50.359 I lost more of my nerve and waited. It was 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:53.280 an unusually long time of no one answering before I 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:56.800 knocked again. I was a bit nervous that something was wrong, 0:18:57.080 --> 0:18:59.520 that something had happened to my mother or to Leini. 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:03.160 But the second knock did the trick. Beyond the door, 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:06.720 I heard some muffled cursing as someone struggled to unlock it. 0:19:07.359 --> 0:19:10.560 When the door screeched open, I was surprised to find 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:12.520 an older woman in a wheelchair that I did not 0:19:12.640 --> 0:19:16.199 recognize answering it. It wasn't until she spoke that I 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:19.480 realized that this was in a stranger But my mother 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:23.720 aged as much as the house itself. I was taken 0:19:23.720 --> 0:19:26.800 aback and couldn't respond to her first inquiry, having missed 0:19:26.840 --> 0:19:31.040 it completely, But her second, more forceful and angrier, brought 0:19:31.119 --> 0:19:34.920 me back to reality. What do you want, she growled, 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:38.800 ready to close the door in my face. Mom, it's me, 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:43.119 It's Tara. She gave me a lingering once over, but 0:19:43.240 --> 0:19:47.040 instead of responding, she just rolled backward away from the 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:50.000 door and into the bowels of the house. I took 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:53.240 that as my unspoken invitation to come in. I pushed 0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:56.040 the door open, standing on the threshold between my old 0:19:56.080 --> 0:19:59.960 life and my new I hesitated before stepping in, realizing 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.720 that I still had a choice. But the second I 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:07.760 went in, the choice was made. Instantly, my body tensed, 0:20:08.080 --> 0:20:11.000 and I felt that dread long since forgotten wash over 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:14.240 me again. I imagined the man in the hat behind me, 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:17.920 placing his hands on my shoulders, says a welcome home gesture. 0:20:18.720 --> 0:20:23.800 I shivered. Close the goddamn door. You're letting the air in. 0:20:24.440 --> 0:20:27.320 Came my mother's voice from the other room. I did 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:31.040 as she commanded and slowly walked after her. Being back 0:20:31.040 --> 0:20:34.840 in Lighthouse was worse than I had imagined. Every negative 0:20:34.920 --> 0:20:38.399 emotion I had toward it was amplified, and every voice 0:20:38.400 --> 0:20:41.600 in my head rang out, begging me to leave. But 0:20:41.640 --> 0:20:44.960 I was back, and it's uninviting embrace, and I got 0:20:44.960 --> 0:20:47.080 the sense it was all too happy to see me. 0:20:47.680 --> 0:20:50.439 Following my mother's voice through the house, I walked past 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:53.880 my father's study, the door was shut, and what part 0:20:53.880 --> 0:20:56.800 of me wanted to look inside, the other part demanded 0:20:56.840 --> 0:21:00.280 I stay far away. I was struck by the lack 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:05.080 of lighting fixtures being used. Instead, candles lined the hallways, 0:21:05.080 --> 0:21:08.480 both on the floor and furniture. They're melted wax, making 0:21:08.520 --> 0:21:11.720 it look like one big altar. The rooms I passed 0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:14.680 looked like more of the same. Perhaps the electric bill 0:21:14.760 --> 0:21:17.520 was too high to keep the room slight. Eventually I 0:21:17.560 --> 0:21:20.119 found her in the library. She had rolled into the 0:21:20.160 --> 0:21:22.919 center of the room, cigarette in hand, sending puffs of 0:21:22.960 --> 0:21:26.560 smoke into the air. She stared hard at me, but 0:21:26.600 --> 0:21:29.760 wouldn't break the silence on her own. It's good to 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:33.240 see you, I told her, trying to be friendly. She 0:21:33.400 --> 0:21:35.400 was my mother, after all, and though it had been 0:21:35.480 --> 0:21:38.280 some time since we had seen each other, let alone spoken, 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:42.200 I still loved her. Her icy demeanor chilled the room, 0:21:42.400 --> 0:21:45.880 sending a shiver through me, which was a welcome countermeasure 0:21:45.880 --> 0:21:48.640 to the sweat I had broken out into. Why are 0:21:48.680 --> 0:21:52.440 you here, tera, she asked me, her eyes never leaving me. 0:21:53.160 --> 0:21:55.679 I was unsure how to respond to her, as what 0:21:55.760 --> 0:21:58.040 I really wanted to say would not be something she 0:21:58.080 --> 0:22:02.560 wanted to hear. Thanks Lee A voice from above saved me. 0:22:03.480 --> 0:22:06.760 She's family, Mother, said, my sister, who was sitting on 0:22:06.800 --> 0:22:11.760 the spiral staircase previously unnoticed. She missed us. Leni stood, 0:22:11.800 --> 0:22:15.520 looking down at me with a warm smile. Hello, Leny, 0:22:16.160 --> 0:22:19.040 it's so good to see you, I told her, and 0:22:19.080 --> 0:22:21.760 I actually meant it. I hadn't seen my sister in 0:22:21.840 --> 0:22:24.520 far too long, and I was so glad. She was 0:22:24.520 --> 0:22:27.320 happy I was here. She limped down the stairs and 0:22:27.400 --> 0:22:29.480 ran as best as she could across the room to 0:22:29.560 --> 0:22:33.440 hug me. I'm so glad you're home, she exclaimed, I've 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:36.960 missed you. She was wearing a nightgown, I noticed, even 0:22:36.960 --> 0:22:39.119 though it was close to too in the afternoon. But 0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:41.840 it was Saturday, so who was I to judge her 0:22:41.880 --> 0:22:45.200 for having a lazy day. However, more concerning was that 0:22:45.240 --> 0:22:49.280 clutched in her hand. Was Abigail still around after all 0:22:49.320 --> 0:22:52.399 these years? Mother? Don't you want to give Tara a hug? 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:56.440 She said? My mother merely grunted in response, but Leni 0:22:56.600 --> 0:22:59.800 pushed me toward her anyway. I embraced her, though it 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:03.680 is very one sided. Her fingers barely grace my back, 0:23:03.920 --> 0:23:06.920 more an act of courtesy than one of love. In 0:23:06.920 --> 0:23:10.800 that close proximity to her, I realized she wreaked of alcohol. 0:23:11.480 --> 0:23:15.840 Oh we will have so much fun, LEONEI continued. We 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:18.000 can play games and have a tea party and do 0:23:18.119 --> 0:23:21.240 all sorts of things again now that you're home. I 0:23:21.280 --> 0:23:25.240 smiled weakly in response, realizing how badly she had regretted 0:23:25.240 --> 0:23:27.800 since the incident with my father, I was certain she 0:23:27.840 --> 0:23:30.240 did not have much of a life beyond the walls 0:23:30.240 --> 0:23:33.600