00:00:08 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here. I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest in my home, you gotta come to me empty. And I said, no, guests, your presences presents enough. I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me? 00:00:47 Speaker 2: Welcome to I said, no, gift sits me, Bridger Wineger, Look, I hope you're feeling nice. What's going on? Nothing has happened to me today. The only thing that happened to me today was that I was reminded that there's apparently a coin shortage. But I feel like that can't possibly be true. I feel like there's a I see a sign hanging at my local Starbucks. It says there's a coin shortage. It's been there for months. If there's still a coin shortage, I don't know what to tell anyone at this point. If you have coins at home, I suppose be careful with them, use them only when needed. I don't have that many coins. I'm not out on the lookout for coins. Look. I didn't want to start this podcast out with an alarming warning like this, but this is essentially the only thing that happened in my life today, and Look, whoever's in charge of coins, we need to get it together. Let's get more of them or get rid of them. I can't keep thinking about coins. I want to think about today's guest. I think she's so funny. Everyone loves her. It's Martha Kelly, Martha. Welcome to I said no gifts. 00:02:02 Speaker 3: Hi, Richard, thank you for having me. 00:02:06 Speaker 2: Look, I'm sorry that we got off I feel like we're off to, you know, a shaky start here with this warning about coins. Are you familiar with this coin shortage? 00:02:17 Speaker 4: I have seen those signs, but. 00:02:21 Speaker 3: I also was in my local Starbucks literally just ten minutes ago. I took the chance of asking it if they are able to sell bottles of sugar free cinnamadulce syrup again because there's been a shortage. 00:02:37 Speaker 4: What Yeah, So they said yes. 00:02:40 Speaker 3: So I took that to mean that Starbucks is recovering from the pandemic, and it's it's disheartening to hear that they're still having a coin shortage. 00:02:53 Speaker 2: So the US is out of coins and syrup. 00:02:59 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's. 00:03:01 Speaker 3: I have to say, like some of the people who helped me get through the worst isolation of the pandemic, or the people that worked at my local drive through Starbucks, of course, just we got to know each other by name and would ask each other how we were doing. And I definitely feel like anybody who worked in customer service during the pandemic should get like some kind of giant federal grant or something, you. 00:03:33 Speaker 2: Know, Oh absolutely, I mean people who just had to work through the things straight without any breaks and now probably getting screamed at more often than not. And also the idea of working an entire shift, you know, as someone who's worked in service jobs like this before, the idea of working an eight hour shift with like maybe a fifteen minute break and a half hour lunch and then the rest of the time you have a mask on. Yeah exhausting. I mean, I'm not saying anything new here, but yeah, absolutely, let's give these people some sort of reward that's not a ribbon. 00:04:07 Speaker 3: I agree. And I'm sorry that I started my guest spot on your podcast already on a campaign stump, given a speech, kind of got carried away. 00:04:21 Speaker 2: This is people will look back to this as your early early steps into politics. Look at your guest on I said, no gifts is kind of a toe in the water. I imagine I hope that one. 00:04:32 Speaker 3: Day people call me the new Caitlyn Jenner as far as politics go. 00:04:37 Speaker 2: So I'm working on Caitlyn share a lot of similar ideals. I feel like we. 00:04:46 Speaker 3: Yeah, I shouldn't have brought that up. 00:04:51 Speaker 2: Well, look, Caitlyn's a complicated person and she look, she doesn't do a lot of things I agree with, but so do a lot of people. And she's a tough person her entire let's just be honest, the entire Genner Kardashian clan is a difficult group to deal with. 00:05:17 Speaker 4: I will agree with that. 00:05:19 Speaker 3: I will wholeheartedly agree with that. I would also say, like most people, there are certainly plenty of people I am related to who I could also say are difficult to deal with, and who would say that about me. So I'm not I didn't want to. Like first I started out shit talking the pandemic. Now I'm talking in celebrity. I feel like I've started off really negative. 00:05:45 Speaker 4: I apologize. 00:05:47 Speaker 2: I do want to return to you buying bottles of this syrup? Is that something people regularly do or is this like something that you like hinted at to a Starbucks cashier and they're like, look, you can just buy the entire bottle. 00:06:02 Speaker 3: Like I went around in different kind of disguises to different Starbucks to see if I could. I honestly, now that you say that, I can't remember when I found out you could buy them at Starbucks, but it was It's been at least a few years of First it was I used to just get plain lattes and put splenda in them, and then they came out with sugar free cinnamon adult lattes. If you get it with whole milk, it still tastes like a dessert. And then I was like, it would be great to have that in my morning coffee as well. And I can't remember how I found out, but yeah, you can buy them. They're like thirteen Bucks, and not every Starbucks will sell them. And also sometimes as Starbucks, some people will sell it and other people if you get there when someone else's working, they'll refuse to sell it. And sometimes it depends on whether they like your attitude or not. And right so I am, of course I always whether or not I'm buying the stoup. I approach Starbucks with the love that I feel for everybody that works there. But I think if you seem weak at all, some strong men Starbucks. 00:07:27 Speaker 4: Burriss will say no. 00:07:29 Speaker 3: I can't sell you that, even if you bought it there the week before. 00:07:32 Speaker 2: I mean, are you using cash to buy it? I just feel like if it's in the system, they should be able to sell it. Unless this money is going directly into the Barisa's pocket and they're selling it under the counter. How is that just feels like company policy? 00:07:47 Speaker 3: Well, I can't the ones I'm thinking of, the truth is, there's only ever been one store manager that just he just didn't want to sell it because he thought they might run out, and I guess he didn't want me to start to expect it every He. 00:08:08 Speaker 4: Was like a tough lo low parent or a step parent. 00:08:13 Speaker 3: But usually it's people think, well, sometimes they legitimately don't have enough in stock to sell it, and then sometimes people just don't know they can. 00:08:25 Speaker 4: Sell it and say no. 00:08:26 Speaker 3: And I don't argue with them, because again, I've worked in the service industry, and you shouldn't fight with the people who can't tell you to fuck off if they're if you're you know, sorry again, still going negative. I keep trying to turn it around. 00:08:47 Speaker 2: No, I think what you're doing is a good service because you know, I've dealt with plenty of angry customers before and when, especially when you work within the structure of a giant corporation where the rules do not band, the customer service representative does not have any power, so you're just screaming at somebody who can't you know, can't do anything for you. 00:09:09 Speaker 3: Right. 00:09:09 Speaker 2: And also I've dealt with customers at you know, mom and pop type places, and in those places, I have made my own little rules and that really infuriates me when the customer is so belligerent that they're coming after my own little rules. So just leave the customer service representative alone. It's a thankless job, I agree. 00:09:31 Speaker 3: And I will also say, like, if you ever have to deal with someone in a job where you know that normally people only call them when they're mad, if you if you interact with someone in that job and you're really really nice to them, the way that it affects them will almost move you to tears, and it will make you want to do that all the time, because it's like, yeah, I mean, somebody has to work at the I R. S or you know, at the at the gas company or the phone company or whatever. 00:10:07 Speaker 2: You know, do you have any memorable service jobs. 00:10:11 Speaker 3: I have almost exclusively service jobs from my past and not not too distant past. Domino's pizza drive delivery driver. 00:10:23 Speaker 2: How long did you do that for? 00:10:24 Speaker 3: I did it two different places, a couple of years apart, but maybe a total of like close, I don't know, maybe a year ish. 00:10:35 Speaker 2: Was this in La or was this elsewhere? 00:10:38 Speaker 3: One was in West Sila and one was in down in torrent and in West l A that one I got. I totaled my car and then two weeks later had another car. I think my parents land me money to buy a used car, and I two weeks after totaling the other car first and back, got robbed at knife point and I kept working there for months longer. 00:11:06 Speaker 2: Yeah wait, so did you total your car while pizza was in the car? 00:11:10 Speaker 3: Yeah? I am, yeah, it was. The accident was one hundred percent my fault and the lady who hit me. It's like I was trying to make a U turn from the curb and I looked one way, looked the other way, didn't look back. That's what you're supposed to do, is look back again before ding. I didn't. I just went, you know, like that, and then this woman tea bummed me. She was going really fast, but it was I pulled out in front of her, and then it knocked my hat to the side and my glasses and then she threw my door open to yell at me. And as soon as she saw me, she was like, oh, okay, Uh, don't don't worry that the paramedics are coming. I couldn't get out. My door was smashed. I wasn't seriously hurt like I had some I had a big bump on my head and had to go to the er. But they just they gave me Vike again and said have your have a friend or family member wake you up every so often tonight to make sure you don't have a concussion and die. And my two roommates were like, yeah, okay, and then they just. 00:12:38 Speaker 4: I just. 00:12:41 Speaker 3: This is uh another really uplifting story from. 00:12:46 Speaker 2: Well what became of the pizza. 00:12:51 Speaker 3: It was like, yeah, I bet you it did. 00:12:53 Speaker 4: Just stay in the car. 00:12:55 Speaker 3: Yeah, they I mean I called either I called or the police called my manager and said, you know, your driver's been in an accident. And so then they just sent someone else to finish that delivery. But to their credit, I will say the Dominoes paid from my medical. 00:13:17 Speaker 2: Wonderful, like a worker's comp sort of situation. Yeah. 00:13:21 Speaker 3: Yeah. I started crying and saying I'm going to get fired, and the paramedics, I'm sure to them was like, you can find another minimum minimum wage job. 00:13:38 Speaker 2: It's interesting to get in a wreck as a pizza delivery person and then the ambulance comes, which is kind of another delivery service. So there's just a lot of delivery happening there, a lot of. 00:13:48 Speaker 4: Lot of cars, yes, yes, And then you. 00:13:53 Speaker 2: Got robbed at knife point while delivering pizza. Was that like you stepped up to the door and the person answered the door holding a knife. 00:14:00 Speaker 4: No, it was an apartment complex. 00:14:02 Speaker 3: It was just this happened a lot where I shouldn't say a lot, but it happened periodically. Somebody. The thing is, somebody calls in a fake order. When the Domino's person gets there, they step out from behind a tree and take whatever money you have on you. So that's kind of how it went. 00:14:23 Speaker 2: And that's terrifying. 00:14:25 Speaker 3: It was, but the guy who did it was really like quiet and calm, and he didn't like he don't the only contact we had like he pulled the knife out and showed me, and it was a big knife, but I gave him all the cash I had. He took the pizza and the six pack of coke, and then he put his hand on my shoulder and like sort of spun me to point back out towards the street and said, go on back to your car. That's I mean, he didn't he didn't do funnything violent. 00:15:01 Speaker 2: I guess it was a gentleman. 00:15:03 Speaker 4: He was a gentleman thief. 00:15:06 Speaker 3: And yeah, and it wasn't my money even that he stole, So I'm really lucky, you know. 00:15:13 Speaker 2: Yeah. And so how much longer did you work after the knife point? 00:15:17 Speaker 3: Sure, it was like six more months at least. Yeah, I was pretty jumpy for a while. I've been making deliveries, but sometimes it was fun. It was like you just you're in your car, listening to whatever radio you wanted to and driving around without having to deal with like your your customer interaction is really short, so it's it's kind of fun. 00:15:46 Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds kind of delightful to me. I've never worked as a pizza delivery person, probably because I feel like there was an unsolved mysteries when I was a kid where a pizza delivery woman went to an address and then vanished, which probably happened more often, I mean more often than we'd like to think. So I never applied for pizza delivery, but I did have a friend who was a pizza delivery person as teens, and we would ride in the back of his car and eat pizza while he delivered pizza. It's a very it's like, on some level, a very fun job. You get to ask music, just go see the city and get paid for it. On some level, yeah, it was fun. What kind of music were you listening to? 00:16:29 Speaker 3: The only thing that I remember was on Saturday nights, I think it was one oh four point three in La FM was they had a show called Disco Saturday Night and it lasted. It lasted from like seven pm to one am, something like that, and that's what I listened to. It was so delightful. It was just seventies and eighties disco all nights. 00:17:00 Speaker 2: Fantastic and you have the lovely smell of pizza in the car. 00:17:04 Speaker 3: And when you worked at Domino's, you could have pizza as your meal if you wanted, every shift, and I never got sick of it. 00:17:13 Speaker 2: I love pizza that's wonderful. I mean knife point robbery aside and a horrifying car accident. I think that sounds very nice. 00:17:26 Speaker 4: I liked it. 00:17:27 Speaker 2: Any super horrible experiences in other service jobs or. 00:17:32 Speaker 3: Yes, but before I just had a quick idea, and it's kind of your idea, so I'd be stealing it. But I'm trying to think of a hit podcast because I don't like acting and I'm not that good at it. 00:17:47 Speaker 2: That's not you. I'm sure you probably don't like it, but you are good at it. We're not going to get into affirming Martha here. 00:17:56 Speaker 3: Hart, but I would. I think it would be really fun to have a hit. And so what you said a minute ago, true crime is really popular. What about a true crime podcast about it's only about pizza delivery people that have gone missing while. 00:18:14 Speaker 2: Working, Martha. If you make that podcast and I'm not at least a guest co host on occasion, I will sue. Okay, but I do want some level of credit on your pizza true crime pod. That feels like a hit to me. 00:18:29 Speaker 3: Okay, let's I will. I'll have my my dog and my two cats are my legal team. I'll have them drop a contract. But nightmare service jobs. Like my first job was Kentucky Fried Chicken. People yelled at me all the time as a sixteen year old. Yeah, I kept a bottle of Vodko work and I don't regret it. That's the only way to survive as a sixteen year old at a fast food restaurant. As senior. I got job. 00:19:01 Speaker 2: I wish I had known that. 00:19:04 Speaker 3: And then I worked as a cashier at CVS Drugstore, and then I started waitressing. 00:19:14 Speaker 4: Then Dominoes. 00:19:15 Speaker 3: I worked as a pet sitter, dog walker. I did that a lot. I worked as an internet copywriter. That's not a service industry did. 00:19:24 Speaker 2: I worked as an internet copywriter. 00:19:26 Speaker 3: I did the the early two thousand's SEO copywriting, which is. 00:19:32 Speaker 2: Basically did the same thing. 00:19:34 Speaker 3: It just was a lifesaver and also it was. 00:19:39 Speaker 2: Terrible yes for the listener the SEO copywriting. I don't know if Martha, if this was your experience, but you're basically trying to find ways to describe a product with keywords and using the keywords as much as possible, which basically ends up looking like a maniac wrote it. Because nobody repeats words that often like mattre or engagement ring or whatever you're trying to sell. It's like an alien wrote it. 00:20:07 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's one time. Sorry, mccun't. Barry has he's trying to break into show business like Lucy One doesy on men as we have a show. Yeah, my friend and I were working on because it's also like you have to do like fifty pages or one hundred pages sometimes of the same keywords. And my friend and I were doing one and it was for Dish Network tipe cable in Hawaii, and it was I thought it was going to get fired because we hadn't slept and we were splitting the pages. 00:20:44 Speaker 4: Was like, what is the dumbest thing you could say? 00:20:47 Speaker 3: Like you think outside it's nice in Hawaii, Well wait until you see the one hundred channels of Dish Network on your TV, Like the stupidest garbage and we KNA we're doing it. Thinka, this is my last job with this And then nobody cared. Didn't get in trouble at all. 00:21:08 Speaker 2: The only time I got in trouble with SEO was I had to I had to write a description of electric fireplaces, and I had like, really, I felt like I had really pushed my descriptions to the max and I wrote some I think the first sentence was there are so many things you can do in front of an electric fireplace. And that was the one thing I got flagged on trying to just create a little eroticism within the SEO copy which I think is totally fair. But then, you know, it was nice to know there was a boundary that I couldn't cross. And I don't know, there's something nice about that type of copywriting where the bar is as low as possible and you can truly just write junk. There's something there is something fun to the insanity of that. 00:21:50 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:21:51 Speaker 2: Look, I know that listeners are tuning in for SEO copywriting talk. They want to hear as much as possible about search engine optimization, But I do have something else to talk to you about, Martha. And look, you and I have known each other through the internet for a while. Last year. You were actually one of the last my last strong memories I can remember pre pandemic because we were on corporate together. We were out at a hotel and somewhere in the middle of the Los Angeles area. But we've known each other. I feel like we have a level of trust that few people do. You have my email address, So you agreed to be on this podcast, I said no gifts, and I was so excited. I was get to catch up with Martha, find out a little bit more about her as a person. Wonderful and you know, maybe maybe I made a mistake. I guess this is on me to give you my email address. People need to be more selective about who they're giving their email out to. And I've been a little willy nilly about it because yesterday I get an email from Martha Kelly and it says gift for podcast, and I just immediately freaked out. Obviously, the podcast is a very clear rule, which you are aware of. We're both respectful people, or at least I thought we were. I just have to say, Martha, what's going on? Did you give me a gift? 00:23:26 Speaker 3: I gave you a gift if it takes some of the sting out of it, because I know it was absolute defiant of your wishes and a violation of your will. Part of why I gave it to you is because I'm hoping I can also enjoy it because I have a copy of the email and it's something I really wanted to be able to look at. So okay, selfish if that helps. It was for me more than you. 00:23:56 Speaker 2: I can support somebody being selfish and not thinking of I think that. Uh you know, I'm all about greed and just self interest, So that works for me. Look, I will say I I wanted to preserve the surprise for myself. So what I did was I kind of looked off screen. I clicked on the email, clicked print, almost essentially went cross eyed trying to do this. And now it's kind of in this bag which says happy wedding Forever. So do you think I should open the gift here on the podcast? 00:24:33 Speaker 3: I do. I'm a little it's going to be a little bit anti climactic because I think there was some need to click on a leg. 00:24:42 Speaker 2: But well then, I mean, look, we're both on a computer. We'll see what's happening within this bag. There may be now kind of a cyber thriller element that's added once I get into the email, but I'll open open. What's the step of this? 00:25:01 Speaker 3: I'm excited. 00:25:08 Speaker 2: Okay, let's see here. I've got two pieces of paper and I'm gonna slowly look dot I like I'm trying to be a good host. I don't look I want to keep it a surprise. I still don't know. It says gift for podcast student. I'm going down. Okay, So the first thing I'm seeing is a little like almost a logo for the Dianne Fosse Gorilla Fund. Diane Fossey, did she have something to do with gorillas in the mist? 00:25:35 Speaker 3: Yes? It was. It was based on her. Yeah, so Gourney Weaver. 00:25:40 Speaker 2: Played her right, which I've never seen, which I'm feel is the movie good? 00:25:44 Speaker 3: It's good, but it'll make you. 00:25:47 Speaker 2: Cry, don't Okay. 00:25:48 Speaker 3: I wish I couldn't watch it, but it's great. 00:25:51 Speaker 2: Okay, Well, let me continue down this. This is dear Martha, thank you for adopting Oh my God, sir Orwanda sur aur Wa n Da. Here at the Fosse Fund, we are inspired daily by the generosity and support of friends like you. Your symbolic adoption will ensure that the Fosse Fund is able to continue its work protecting gorillas and the forests they call home. This holistic conservation work ensures that gorillas will be part of our world for generations to come. Below you will find links to download. Okay, so this is the part where the printing no longer helps. This is sorry, we're going to have to I feel like we need to get into the clicking. 00:26:36 Speaker 3: I can tell you what you get for that symbolic adoption if you want, but you can also click on it if you want. 00:26:44 Speaker 2: To go to the e tell us first, and then I'm going to click so you. 00:26:48 Speaker 3: Get a video of that gorilla and some color photos that you are while you're cordially invited to print them out on your own color computer. 00:27:01 Speaker 2: You think, I've gotten enough color ink to print a color picture. This is going to be like a half color. Then turns into kind of a blurry red and. 00:27:09 Speaker 3: There's like a newsletter about the little guy. 00:27:14 Speaker 2: I think, oh yeah, okay, I'm opening my Gmail now. Yes I'm on Gmail. Me too. 00:27:21 Speaker 3: So I didn't click on any of the links because just in case, they have it set up to where you can only click on it once and that and then maybe not. 00:27:32 Speaker 4: Maybe you can more. 00:27:34 Speaker 3: Than once, but if only once, I wanted you to get. 00:27:36 Speaker 2: To Okay, I'm going to click the gorilla bio first. I'm going to actually download the certificate first. Let's see here. You know, opening my email mid podcast is a very risky move. You never know if you're going to get an alarming email. Oh this gorilla is How old is this thing? It's like a baby. 00:27:56 Speaker 3: I think he was here or she was a baby when they at least when they took these pictures. 00:28:02 Speaker 4: He might still be. 00:28:06 Speaker 2: This is the sweetest little creature I've ever seen. This is a yeah, so listener, you'll see this on Instagram eventually. But it's a you know, a beautiful picture of uh Sarahwanda. And you know Martha's name is you know, Unfortunately it's not my name. I'm not getting any of the credit here for adopting the gorilla. So this is technically Martha has sent me a gift. The gift you's sent me is look who what I'm I'm doing in my life. I'm adopting gorillas. Now I'm going to click the video and see what's Oh boy, Okay, now this is where we run into some trouble. Martha. The video cannot be found, Diane Fosse, the fund has robbed you. 00:28:55 Speaker 3: Okay, I'll look into it. 00:28:57 Speaker 2: There is a fortunately, there is a wonderful video of a gorilla family kind of playing in the back the background, maybe as a consolation prize, But that video has now ended. I'm now going to photo. We're going to photo. We're gonna see. Okay, Martha, the photo also cannot be found. 00:29:18 Speaker 3: You know, I'll have to see on myke God damn it. Turning into a gonna go full Karen and get real. That's what they call it when ladies my age get mad. 00:29:34 Speaker 2: People. This is I mean, this may be a tactic of the Diane Fosse Gorilla Fund, which I wouldn't blame them for, to continue to raise more funds. Maybe it's sort of a you know you. They take their money and then ask for more money to access the videos and photos that we were all hoping to see. Meanwhile, this gorilla that you've adopted has essentially been I don't even know what to say, is being held hostage. 00:30:04 Speaker 3: Okay, I'll contact them. God fucking damn it. 00:30:13 Speaker 2: Another another bump in the road for Martha Kelly. 00:30:17 Speaker 3: I just feel like this might be part of why mountain gorillas are endangered is because the people in charge of their administrative stuff are not on the ball like maybe they could. Maybe the gorillas could put all their adoption fees together and hire a good admin, perhaps. 00:30:39 Speaker 2: Some decent people on the team. I get some social media people. That's fine. Look that what's good here is that at least we know the money has gone to gorillas. 00:30:51 Speaker 3: Yeah. Sorry, I'll figure out why the video, the video and the picture not available because when you buy, when you do the adoption, you click a box saying if you're gonna give that as a gift to somebody, and I clicked it is this? Now? 00:31:10 Speaker 2: Is this the first time you've donated to the Diane Fosse Gorilla Fund? 00:31:15 Speaker 3: No? 00:31:15 Speaker 2: Okay, how did you find out about it? Well? 00:31:19 Speaker 3: I think the third season of Baskets for a rap gift. This great person named Kate who did my makeup for she really loves animals. 00:31:33 Speaker 4: It really really loves animals. 00:31:35 Speaker 3: So I adopted a couple baby gorillas as a rap gift for her. Oh I did that that year. I was a little spun out for reasons that had nothing to do with the show. But season four I redeemed myself with all of my weird season three rap gifts by getting all the hair and makeup and costume ladies, a lot of edibles and different types at a legal weed shop, which is the only time I've ever been to that kind of place. And it was great. 00:32:13 Speaker 2: I think those are both. Both of those gifts, whether it's the donation or it's the edibles, are both good gifts. 00:32:19 Speaker 3: Well, Kate, Kate loved the gorillas, but I think that I think after giving something like that later, I was just like, I felt like I should give people something they could actually physically have in their hands and just get high from. 00:32:39 Speaker 2: I think the I think donations are a good gift often for adults, because so frequently adults have everything they need and want, and so there are things you know that they care about or whatever it is. It is a hard gift to give or to receive sometimes where you're just like, Okay, this doesn't exist for either of us. Money has just gone into the webmaster of Dianne Fossey Gorilla Funds pocket. But you can both feel good about it. Nobody feels bad, unless, of course, the money is you know, I donated, who knows. I'm not going to try to say some fund. I'll probably say something that somebody loves. And what are we talking about. 00:33:24 Speaker 3: But about people get mad about that. 00:33:31 Speaker 2: Some fossy freaks are going to come out of the woodwork and they're going to dance over to the reviews page and just review bomb me. Don't do that, give me five stars. Give you know. I don't want to give anybody any ideas. Martha, you're a lover of animals, you love an animal, you have three. You've got a beautiful dog and two cats. 00:33:54 Speaker 3: Thank you? 00:33:55 Speaker 2: Have you been a lifelong animal lover? Yes, it's your family and animal family we were. 00:34:02 Speaker 3: I would say my parents were a let your kids have pets, but they weren't as good with pets as I wish they had been. Like like our two dogs kind of lived out in the yard. They were sometimes allowed inside. But ugh, oh oh, I shouldn't. I shouldn't have gone down that memory. But in their defense, like my my mom grew up out in the country in East Texas where dogs never came inside, and my dad grew up in the depression with eight brothers and sisters and there was barely enough food for people. 00:34:51 Speaker 4: So I don't think they had any pets. 00:34:53 Speaker 3: So they didn't really they didn't have great caretaking instincts. But but they let us have pets. And it's not we didn't. We didn't like abuse some or anything. We just probably they needed a lot more attention and affection than they got. 00:35:11 Speaker 2: You know, I do think that pet care in the last like two decades or so has really advanced for most people. I remember growing up, we had pets that certainly could have used more attention and love, but it just I think it was kind of normal to just have a pet that you kind of took care of or something, which is just so unfortunate. 00:35:35 Speaker 3: Yeah, but when we started getting cats, they sort of ended up getting all of the attention and the affection because cats demand Cats demand it in a way dogs can't, you know. 00:35:49 Speaker 2: Right, Well, yeah, that's the interesting interesting thing about cats is there in a lot of ways very easy to take care of and are almost like little you know, they just do their own thing and you fill up their food bowl. And dogs, my dog is you know, following me around the house and non stop asking for treats, trying to sleep in the bed. Where am I going with this? 00:36:12 Speaker 3: Can I ask the follow up question when you say trying to sleep in the bud? What why is it he's succeeding in sleeping in the middle. 00:36:21 Speaker 2: She's no longer allowed because she's too big and she doesn't know what to do with herself in the night, and so she with my boyfriend and ies. She's like constantly shifting around when he's out of town. She sleeps in the bed because she can take up half of the thing, and it makes perfect sense, but she's just a bit of a nuisance. She's like eighty five pounds and so she's she's doing a lot of circling in the bed. She's there was a point when I was like heading back problems because she puts her entire weight on you and you wake up and you're like, well, this is not a normal way for a person to sleep. Bless her heart, I would love to be able to sleep with her all the time, but it's uh, she's just too big of a too big of a gal and doesn't know how to do it. What kind of dog is she? She's an American bulldog. We didn't know what she was. Then my boyfriend Jim, for Christmas one year, wanted the DNA thing, so I got the DNA thing. We found out she's a completely American bulldog. We had thought, you know, boxer or pitbull or something, but I don't know. I can highly recommend an American bulldog. She's a fantastic, I mean, favorite dog I've ever experienced, just a wonderful, quiet, respectful person. What kind of dog is your dog? 00:37:43 Speaker 3: She's I think she's some kind of Collie and a German Shepherd. And maybe I should do the DNA thing, and. 00:37:52 Speaker 2: Fine, she should. It's very fun. 00:37:55 Speaker 4: Yeah, I should do that. 00:37:57 Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure she has some German Shepherd. The first dog of my own that I had as an adult was a seventy five pound also a colle mix. 00:38:07 Speaker 4: And he slapped in my bed. 00:38:10 Speaker 3: There were no rules. He'd just said whatever he wanted, and I would wake up in the morning. Sometimes I'd open my eyes and his face would be it would be also on my pillow, facing me with his eyes closed, and it's kind of you know. 00:38:27 Speaker 2: Of course, it's extremely cute, funny the times when I am able to fall asleep with Edie, that dog, it's the best thing. When she's in my arms and we're spooning, it's a wonderful feeling. I wish she could just she had I wish she had a normal human sleep schedule, and then it would probably be fine. But we do what we can do. I mean, she does wake us up every morning at seven o'clock trying to open the door and she's It's like our bedroom is a sliding door, so she's able to just kind of push her head up against it and slide it open and come in. So but she's pretty respect I think she's learned. She's figured out that when two people are in the bed, there's not enough room for a dog. But I have nothing against sleeping with a dog. Some people are not into it. 00:39:11 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know. 00:39:12 Speaker 4: I mean, I know some people think if. 00:39:14 Speaker 3: Your dog is alpha, you shouldn't let them because you have to show them that you're alpha. But I can't. There's no chance I'm going to convince any dog that I'm alpha, so I didn't even try. 00:39:29 Speaker 2: How long have you had your dog, Well. 00:39:31 Speaker 3: I've had Rosie for nine years almost or about nine years, and she actually doesn't really sleep with me. Like she'll get on the bed, she'll stay for a couple minutes, and then she'll go be more comfortable somewhere where she can kind of spread out. 00:39:48 Speaker 2: Agains Oh right, right, she kind of puts you to bed. 00:39:51 Speaker 3: Yeah, she's very sweet and just a great pub And now. 00:39:57 Speaker 2: Back to the gift. Gorillas. Are you like a gorilla person? Do you really love gorillas or is it just you're looking for endangered animals to donate to the funds. 00:40:07 Speaker 3: I really love gorillas. I said, you shouldn't watch gorillas in the mess, but it's actually it's because. 00:40:16 Speaker 4: There's sad stuff that happens. 00:40:17 Speaker 3: But yeah, if I wasn't afraid of the kinds of insects that live in jungles, I would want to. 00:40:27 Speaker 4: Do what Diane Fosse did. 00:40:29 Speaker 3: And like, I don't know that I'm smart enough to become a biologist. I think she was a science major in college, but just she like to live with gorillas where they're in families. They're pretty gentle unless you're threatening them, and they're super smart and there and they're so cute and their faces are like pretty close to people faces. Yeah, I would. I have a friend who went to He went on like an elder I forget what they're called, but it's like a group of retired people. You can sign up and go on a tourist trip and they plan everything for you, kind of like elder hostile tourists stuff. 00:41:16 Speaker 2: Okay, I don't know. 00:41:18 Speaker 3: But my parents did stuff like that in their sixties, and like they went and they stayed in the mountains where there are mountain gorillas, and he showed me pictures on his phone and it made me cry. They're so beautiful, but there's you see them. 00:41:39 Speaker 2: Well. 00:41:39 Speaker 3: Well, for one thing, scared of flying any place that far. I've never been off the continent. 00:41:47 Speaker 2: Are you afraid of flying in general? 00:41:49 Speaker 3: Uh? Yeah? I had gotten a lot better. And then the last time I flew was like days before quarantine started. It was like the beginning of March, and we had really bad turbulence and we were never in any danger. But for days I thought of my flight as a near death experience. 00:42:09 Speaker 4: That's how scared I wasn't find a few. 00:42:12 Speaker 3: Days later, I was like, that wasn't a near death experience. We were nowhere, We weren't in any danger at any point. It was just really bumpy. But yeah, I'm scared of it. And that. The other thing is like the spiders and the in any forest or jungle, any place with a lot of rain and vegetation, you're going to have a lot of bugs that bite right, and I can't handle. 00:42:39 Speaker 2: That, Martha. They're but they're out taking seniors on these tours. They're perfectly safe. We've got to get you off this continent at some point. Come on, I'll take you. 00:42:51 Speaker 3: I'm also guessing if you go to a nature reserve like that in Africa, or in any place where it's a lot of undeveloped land, you're going to have to fly someplace to a small airport, which means a small, small plane, which feels turbulence a lot more. 00:43:12 Speaker 2: Right. Yeah, that is the point where I start slowing down in my thinking about going to these places, because just the discomfort of being on a small plane is you know, you're already you've probably been on a fifteen hour flight to get to the big city, and then you have to go to some small airport and then you're back on a plane that's even less comfortable. It starts to become a little much for me. That said, I am still going to encourage you to do it. I've got to get you. We've got to get you to another country or something. 00:43:47 Speaker 3: We've got to get you out of this country. We will go to any links to get you out of this country. 00:43:53 Speaker 2: We have to remove Martha Kelly from the United States. If it's the last thing we do, get her out and don't let her back in. I'm going to just keep I'm going to check in with you every once in a while and gently nudge, Look, why not if the plane goes down, it goes down. 00:44:12 Speaker 3: If my hit True Crime Pizza Delivery podcast takes hour, if our true Crime Pizza Delivery podcasts takes off and we rake in the dollar dollar bills from it, then I will save up and go to see the Mountain Gorillas. 00:44:35 Speaker 2: Okay, I can't wait for this podcast to be played in court when I'm suing you over your podcasts, just trying to come after MI. What's rightfully mine? Martha? I think we should play a game. Do you want to play a game? Actually? I think we should play this game called Gift to a Curse. I'm trying to you know, we have two games, and when we play too much of one game, people freak out and then it's just back and forth and back and forth. And so let's play this game called Gift No, Gift Master is not the game we're going to be playing, but I'll say go play, go buy the home version of Gift Master. I'm plugging it. Right now. We're playing a game called Gift or a Curse. That's what the game we're going to play. Right now, I'll tell you how we play in a minute. I need a number between one and ten four. Okay, I have to do some light calculating. So while I'm doing this, while I'm determining the game pieces, you can promote something, you can recommend something, you can share a fact. Don't try to stir the pot. I know you love to stir the pot. I'll be right back. 00:45:40 Speaker 3: Okay, what fact would I like to I am drawing a blank. I really this does not bode well for me having my own podcast that I cannot fill a moment of airtime, I'm by myself. 00:46:02 Speaker 4: I guess one thing I just would like. 00:46:05 Speaker 3: To say now that Disneyland is opening back up, I've long suspected that when you're in line for the Haunted Mansion and one of the doors on the porch, when you're in line, someone's on the other side of it rattling the door knob. I feel like there's a tiny chance at least that someone really is trapped in there, and everyone ignores it because I think it's part of the ride. But if you were trapped in there, how would you know? So, Wow, I'm glad you're back because I was appreciating. 00:46:45 Speaker 2: I think that was a very interesting use of the time, and I felt like you brought up an important issue. I have heard something about someone being trapped in the Haunted Mansion. Yeah, I wonder if has anyone ever died at the Haunted Mansion. 00:46:59 Speaker 4: Yeah, I know, but I don't know the story. 00:47:01 Speaker 3: I just recently saw some you know, like, uh, when you open your web browsers, some news item down far down on the page of like, you know, the the case of the murder at the Haunted Matches something murder. Yeah, like maybe or I could be wrong about the murder part, but I'm pretty sure somebody died there. And I don't know how. 00:47:28 Speaker 4: You could accidentally get hurt on that. 00:47:30 Speaker 2: And it's such a mild ride, Yeah, it's it's like dying in a costco or something. 00:47:37 Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean you could. You can get off the ride and walk around and never. 00:47:43 Speaker 2: Get often tempted to. I would love to walk around that old graveyard and through the dining room and this sort of thing, dance. 00:47:52 Speaker 3: With the with the ghosts down at the Katillion. 00:47:55 Speaker 4: That seems like it. 00:47:56 Speaker 3: Could be fun. 00:47:57 Speaker 2: I would love to. I'm now getting a message from our producer on a lease. She's saying, I don't think anyone has died, but it seems as though someone got injured critically jumping from car to car. 00:48:08 Speaker 3: Oh well, okay, turns out we. 00:48:11 Speaker 2: Were wrong on all kinds of account. 00:48:15 Speaker 3: And actually giving some dangerous advice about how easy it would be to not get hurt on that. 00:48:20 Speaker 2: Right if you get If you die on the Haunted Mansion ride, I feel like you kind of have it coming or you've really gone out of your way to die. 00:48:32 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:48:32 Speaker 2: So yeah, look, let's play this game. This is called gift or a curse. I'm going to name three things. You're going to tell me if there're a gift or a curse, and why there are correct answers there are. You know, you can get all three wrong, you can get all three right, you can be somewhere in between. But you've got to be careful. You've got to be smart. Let's get you a shot. Okay, okay, First gift or a curse? Cold American cheese. 00:49:05 Speaker 3: Ooh to me, cold American cheese is a gift because melted American cheese is delicious on a hamburger, and in order to have that, you've got to receive the American cheese when it's cold and fresh. And keep it cold until you cook with it. So it's a gift. 00:49:26 Speaker 2: Martha, You're off to a great start. I absolutely agree with you on those exact points, because while I do think cold American cheese is disgusting, I would rather eat raw poultry a a melted American cheese. I'm no cheese snob. I love a slice of melted American cheese on you know, your hamburger, your breakfast sandwich, this kind of thing. And we do need to keep it cold otherwise. I imagine does American cheese go bad. It's hard to say. I imagine it does. Yeah, and so you have it. Absolutely is a gift, as a you know, as a means to an end, a means to a melted American cheese. Do not serve me a cold American cheese slice in any context. I won't eat it. It will be nauseating. I'll be revolted. But it does need to be served cold. It's a gift, right, all right, we're moving on. You've got one out of one so far. I love this for you. Now. Number two this is a listeners suggestion. Unfortunately, I guess the person did not give their name or I as a host failed to write their name down. It says unknown listener. But they've suggested gift or a curse. Beard braids, beard braid. So I assume, you know, like a beard that's been braided, it's gotten to the length that needs to be braided, and. 00:50:51 Speaker 4: It's all in one braid. 00:50:53 Speaker 3: It's not like there's a couple braids and the rest of it's free flowing. 00:50:58 Speaker 4: It's just one break, big braid. 00:51:00 Speaker 2: It sounds like it's whatever you think it is. It could be multiple braids, whatever you want. 00:51:10 Speaker 3: I'm gonna say that a beard that has been braided is more manageable, and probably if you drop food on it, which for some reason people with beards always do. The kinds of people that grow beards are also the kind of people that drop food into their beard. So if it's in a braid, it's easy to brush it off or rinse it off. It doesn't get all in there like. 00:51:41 Speaker 4: It would if it was. 00:51:42 Speaker 3: You know, it's a surface that's easier to clean. So I would say it's a gift. 00:51:49 Speaker 2: Martha. I hate to hear this from you. Oh, No, beard braids are gross? What are we talking about? What are we They look gross? It never looks normal. I mean, I can I can't picture a single braided beard that I've thought. Good for you for braiding your facial hair. You're right, I could. Maybe I'm wrong. I No, I'm not wrong. I've got I've got to stand up for what I know is right. And I think beard braids are gross. I think that's just kind of the the end of the discussion on a beard braid. 00:52:26 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're right, I guess I think beard long beards, if it's long enough to. 00:52:30 Speaker 4: Be a braid, it's already gross. 00:52:32 Speaker 3: So I just thought easier maintenance if it's a braid. 00:52:36 Speaker 2: But you're right, Yeah, I feel like when you're braiding it, you're acknowledging that it's a problem and you should probably just trim it or something. Right, we're not doing beard braids. They're a curse. Finally, this is not a listener's suggestion. This is another one from the host himself. Give you a curse the taste of envelope glue. 00:53:00 Speaker 3: Okay, I'm so surprised to find myself saying this, but it's a gift. I've never had a bad experience with envelope glue. I've only it's only ever been pleasant. 00:53:15 Speaker 2: Martha we're on the same page. I think the taste of envelope glue is just a nice little It doesn't need to even taste like anything. It probably I mean glue probably should taste bad. And I feel like envelope glue is always kind of isn't mint. What is happening there? Are they flavoring it or is it? Yeah, because it doesn't taste like what I imagine glue would taste like. Yeah, you know, it's kind of like a refreshing little boot when you're going to seal an envelope, and I feel like there should be more of a They need to be playing with those flavors more. That has like a whole market to me, you know, do like a strawberrea cinnamon. 00:53:58 Speaker 3: What about if they were pizza flavored and we had that as some of our earliest merch for our pizza true crime podcasts. 00:54:07 Speaker 2: That's incredible. And then we you know, what we do is we ask we don't allow listeners to email, We ask them to write in so they're needing to use these envelopes over and over and over where it's basically you know, I don't know what the term would be for that, but we're creating a product which we're then demanding the user use, and then they have to keep using it over and over. That alone is a multimillion dollar business, in addition to the fact that this podcast takes off. 00:54:37 Speaker 3: If anything is going to get us to the Mountain Girl as it's going to be our pizza flavored envelope. 00:54:43 Speaker 2: Glue glue that tastes kind of like cheese and meat and bread. I think that that's an excellent idea. Look, you got two out of three there. I think that that's pretty good. Martha. We have to do one more part of the podcast. This is called I said no emails. People are writing into I said no gifts at gmail dot com. Every one of them has a different problem, a different question about gift, giving this or receiving gifts, whatever gifts. You know, do all kinds of things for people. Will you help me answer one or two? 00:55:16 Speaker 4: I would love to. 00:55:18 Speaker 2: Now this is a little special treat for listeners. I actually did some work in advance today. This is the first time I've ever done this. I found a question that I think you, Martha, are particularly equipped to answer, and hopefully you will be let me read it. It's also extremely long, so everybody buckle up. This says Hello Bridger and phenomenal guests, so they're off to a good start. I live in a condo complex and we have an outdoor cat. Whenever our favorite property slash grounds manager, Dennis is working, she dashes outside immediately to spend the day with him. She absolutely adores him and follows him around all day until his shift is over. He brings us cat treats, toys, wet food, and occasionally he brings present for our dog as well. Recently, she the cat has been getting a little braver about the distance she will travel to meet new friends and take in new sights. Dennis works at multiple properties, so every once in a while she will find him, and he is kind enough to walk her home on his breaks and or call us when when he's hanging out with her to ensure she's okay. There have been times she hasn't come home for a night or two, and Dennis is always eager to keep an eye out for her and return her when he sees her. I would very much like to get a gift for him to thank him for his extraordinary care for our sweet girl. A few things about Dennis. He always says he hates people but loves animals. He tells me he has three dogs and two cats and a horse at home. He works seven days a week. He doesn't drink, drink or partake in drug I sure do love Dennis, and I'm hoping you can aid me and finding the perfect gift for this generous spirit. Thank you, And that's signed Teal. Teal has this Dennis who I'm immediately just thinking Dennis is slow trying to, you know, kidnap the cat. He's giving the cat food at home or something. So tilla. I just want you to be aware that that's a possibility. Dennis may not be the sweet person that you think he is. We've seen it happen before. That said Martha, what are your thoughts, just initially about Dennis and giving this surface level kind man a gift. 00:57:22 Speaker 3: My first thought was I was going to say give him that cat as a gift, But then he has dogs and cats already, so he might not. He may have taken her if he could have already, maybe he can have another one. 00:57:40 Speaker 2: I feel like they're slowly hypnotizing the cat. 00:57:43 Speaker 3: I mean, my feeling about outside cats is if if you can give. 00:57:49 Speaker 4: Them an indoor home. 00:57:51 Speaker 3: Then then you when because but although my cats hate not going outdoors, so disregard that part. I mean, I would either give him like a really a really delicious, fancy gift basket with a lot of cookies and candies and delicious stuff, because because everybody loves food, if I'm not mistaken. And then but what I love more than anything as a gift or something I just find on the sidewalk on occasion is just cash. So you could just give him a bunch. 00:58:34 Speaker 2: Of everyone loves cash, Yeah, I. 00:58:42 Speaker 4: Love it so much. 00:58:43 Speaker 3: I'm not a materialistic person and I don't I don't care how much money other people have, so I don't know if I I mean, I guess that means I'm not like a money oriented person. But oh my god, I love cash. 00:59:00 Speaker 2: There's something surprising and comforting about just cash that nobody can deny because no matter whether you're going to buy yourself something nice or you're just going to pay rent, it's going to we're all trapped in a thing that we have to constantly be paying for things. So it's just a nice little, yeah thing that Dennis probably won't deny. I mean, he might buy his horse some oats, with it. 00:59:27 Speaker 3: Actually, yeah, I would maybe maybe do, depending on how much how many people are going to go in on this gift for him at the condo complex, you could go gourmet treat basket, another basket with some like horse treats and dog and cat treats for his pets, and then in there cash or like just one of those visa gift cards for a long realm or something, because maybe that would be a little bit I might be a hillbilly for just wanting a fat wad of dirty cash as a gift. 01:00:11 Speaker 2: I don't think so. I think that's a nice treats for the entire family essentially, is what you're saying. Yeah, maybe a brush for the horse. How about a painting of this cath that he loves so much that he obviously wants. 01:00:28 Speaker 3: Actually, that has reminded me. There's somebody on Instagram, a young woman who's probably just at a high school, who if you send her pictures of your pets, she'll do a portrait. She'll paint a portrait of them. 01:00:43 Speaker 4: Oh and I did that, and the. 01:00:47 Speaker 3: Looks on their faces like, she doesn't just copy the pictures you send, she captures your pets personality and it's so sweet. 01:00:55 Speaker 2: Do you know her name? 01:00:57 Speaker 3: I can find her and email it to you, and then this listener could look where would you you could email it to her? 01:01:06 Speaker 2: Yeah? That sounds like a lot of work for me, Martha, But sure you're now making me the in between between an Etsy seller and a listener who may or may not care. 01:01:18 Speaker 3: Well, you could you could. 01:01:21 Speaker 2: Look, listener. If you hear this and you want the email, I'll get in touch with Martha. We'll get you the Etsy seller. There are some wonderful Etsy painters, whether it's this high schooler or you know whoever else, will paint a picture of a pet. Yeah, and I think that would be great for Dennis. Dennis obviously hates people and uh probably has a taste for the arts. Yeah, that sounds good, Martha. I feel like we did such an exhaustive, in depth gift suggestion for this teal that the next person on my list is just not going to get any advice today. I think we've done enough, and so I won't even say the next person's name because I don't want to make them mad. But you know, maybe that person will get answered next week. Maybe they won't. It's very you know, we can only give so much. We have to work on ourselves as well. And so we've done a little service today. And look, you have donated to this gorilla fund, and I get to kind of just write on your coat tales of charity. We get a picture of this beautiful little gorilla. God knows whether we'll get a video or photos as promised by the Dianne Fosse Gorilla Fund. That's neither here nor there. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, look hopefully the gorillas get more protection. 01:02:44 Speaker 3: Well, I really kind of fumbled that gift. Why not only does it not say it's for you, it has my name on the certificate, but also you couldn't see the pictures or the video. But I will at least figure out the video and picture your part. 01:03:02 Speaker 2: You've got to do whatever you've got to do, Martha. I don't want to put any pressure. I think ultimately what's important is that we're both happy and comfortable and safe. 01:03:14 Speaker 3: And I'm not happy ever, and I'm barely comfortable, but as far as I know, I'm currently safe. 01:03:22 Speaker 2: So okay, Martha, I've had just a wonderful time with you, and thank you so much. 01:03:28 Speaker 3: For being here, thanks for having me. 01:03:32 Speaker 2: Of course, and everybody go. If you have somebody you need to give a gift in your life, find a fund like this and donate in their name or yours and give that as a gift. It's a special surprise that feels like it helps the world. And ultimately, this is the end of the podcast. I'm going to let you go. I will talk to you soon. Take care of yourself. I said, No Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced and engineered by our dear friend Annalise Nelson, and the theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. You must follow the show on Instagram at I said No Gifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. You have to see the gifts. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever you found me. And why not leave a review while you're there. It's really the least you could do, considering everything I do for you. And if you're interested in advertising on the show, go to midrol dot com slash ads. 01:04:44 Speaker 3: Well, I invit, did you hear? 01:04:48 Speaker 1: Funa man? Myself perfectly clear, But you're a guest to Merha, you gotta come to me empty, And I said, no, guest, your presence is presence enough. I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me?