WEBVTT - The Ballad of Eel Horse 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:08.119 What's riddled with gna rhea? My Sophie? How do I 0:00:08.119 --> 0:00:11.319 finish this? I don't want to know? Well, that is 0:00:11.360 --> 0:00:14.159 slightly applicable for today. Oh good, okay, Well, this is 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:17.640 Behind the Bastards the podcast with a slightly applicable introduction 0:00:17.680 --> 0:00:20.800 for the first time in quite a while. I'm Robert Evans, 0:00:20.840 --> 0:00:24.360 your host normally, but not today because today my buddy 0:00:24.400 --> 0:00:30.120 Garrison is here. Garrison has a very special story. I 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:32.120 really don't know what to expect here. Should I start 0:00:32.159 --> 0:00:36.040 by giving the background? Um? Yeah, yeah. Ever since I've 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:41.320 known Robert Roberts, Roberts had a dream. Um uh when yeah, Robert? 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:45.720 What is so? For a little bit of background on me, 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:47.240 I spent a lot of time living in the middle 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:49.360 of nowhere in the mountains, and I developed a love 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:52.479 for cooking food in pits buried under the ground. You like, 0:00:52.640 --> 0:00:54.840 you wrap up a bunch of meat, like a turkey, 0:00:54.880 --> 0:00:56.520 stuffed with stuff, and you wrap it in the foil 0:00:56.560 --> 0:00:58.320 and you bury it and you build a fire around 0:00:58.320 --> 0:00:59.640 and you cook it over the course of like a 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:01.920 day while you're drinking heavily. It's a great time way 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:04.720 to like make a turkey. Um, I do it? Around 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:06.360 the holidays a couple of times a year when I 0:01:06.400 --> 0:01:09.680 have the opportunity. And several years ago I had a 0:01:09.800 --> 0:01:14.000 dream and I saw a vision of a horse stuffed 0:01:14.000 --> 0:01:17.120 with eels and cooked underground in a pit fire. And 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:18.720 I've never been able to get it out of my head. 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:21.880 I am still working on. I was briefly in contact 0:01:21.880 --> 0:01:23.679 with someone who thought they could get me one last year, 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:26.760 and I fucked that up because my mom got cancer 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:28.479 and I wound up like, I don't know, just not 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:32.560 being great at correspondence for a while. You sucked it up. 0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:36.720 If you're that person, hit me up again, because I 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:39.360 still want the horse. But my dream is to get 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:42.640 a horse that has been obviously gutted. Stuff it full 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:45.160 of eels. Lamb prais are acceptable. That's a kind of eel. 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:47.800 Any kind of eel will be fine. Um Stuff it 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:50.400 full of eels. Wrap the fucker up in either foil 0:01:50.480 --> 0:01:52.040 or maybe even like banana leafs if we want to 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:55.040 do it like really, you know, pro um or burlap 0:01:55.160 --> 0:01:58.920 or something, and then bury it, you know, a food 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:01.600 not a foot underground, Like just bury it to where 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:03.960 it's at like ground level, cover it in dirt, and 0:02:04.080 --> 0:02:06.800 keep a big circular fire going around it for probably 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:10.960 like twenty hours. I'm guessing that's how seriously listeners could 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:15.560 see Gary's faith right now, what is it? Oh sorry, 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:18.000 my cameras on you. What does Garrison look like? Just 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:25.280 an absolute smirk anyway, this has been my dream for 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:28.239 some time. Yeah, you you constantly talk about it. It's 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:31.440 it's all I want out of out of the world. Yeah, 0:02:32.200 --> 0:02:36.400 in that for me today, Garrison, well kind of we'll see, 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:41.040 so a little taste of my own medicine. So yeah, Well, 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:43.920 one night I was doing an extremely hardcore gaming session 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.079 with with a friend of mine and for some reason, 0:02:47.480 --> 0:02:50.519 eel horse came up because just Robert talks about it 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:53.160 all the time. So for some reason this idea of 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:55.919 eel horse came up over the course of our very 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:59.840 intense gaming session. Um and, so my friend had had 0:02:59.840 --> 0:03:02.360 the bravery to put the words eel and horse into 0:03:02.360 --> 0:03:05.200 Google um and and that led us down a pretty 0:03:05.320 --> 0:03:08.960 nightmaresh rabbit hole that I knew that I do had 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:12.160 to become a bastard's episode, which leads us to now 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:14.960 our our our discussion of the real life heel horse 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:19.440 and and the eel wielding bastards of today. So I'm 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:22.560 very excited. Yeah. So we're gonna start off by going 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:27.160 way back to the late medieval period in England, good 0:03:27.240 --> 0:03:32.600 time and the bustling business of selling horses. So let's 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:35.720 let's say you're an old timey horse salesman. You got 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:37.640 yourself some horses that you want to sell. But the 0:03:38.000 --> 0:03:41.120 problem get sixteen apples to the league. Yeah, but the 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:43.400 problem is that some of your horses are getting a 0:03:43.400 --> 0:03:45.960 bit old, you know, a little sluggish. They're not as 0:03:46.040 --> 0:03:49.160 lively as they used to be in their youth. That's 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:53.960 what happens to horses already laughing, they know this is going. 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:57.440 So you're thinking, like, what what could I do to 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:00.080 make these horses a bit more spry and lively? And 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:03.760 and then very similar to very similar to your vision. Um, 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:06.160 what I'm guessing happen is like basically you're thinking what 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:08.120 can I do? And then God comes down to you 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:10.480 from the clouds and says, my, my child, My my 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:14.240 horse salesman, child, have you considered putting a live eel 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:20.840 up the horses butt? Oh my God? Yes? Wait what 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:23.599 you reply to God? How how will that solve my problem? 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:26.000 And then then God, in his divine wisdom speaks to 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:28.600 you from the heavens and says, well, a live eel 0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:31.400 inserted up the horses anist might stimulate the horse and 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:33.480 make it appear to be younger and in its more 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:37.320 active years, thus fetching a higher price for your inactuality 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:40.800 older horses. You are telling me, Garrison, that shoving a 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:43.479 live eel up the ass of an aging horse was 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.320 the old timy equivalent of like turning back the the 0:04:46.360 --> 0:04:52.920 odometer on a car. Oh yeah, baby, that fucking rules. 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:56.760 So so upon comprehending your godly enlightenment, you you thank 0:04:56.800 --> 0:04:59.040 the Lord for gifting you a piece of his everlasting 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:02.280 wisdom in your your divine vision. Oh Father in Heaven, I, 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.600 your humble servant, am internally grateful for your You're you're 0:05:05.640 --> 0:05:08.359 blessing me with this prosperous inspiration. I'll go forth and 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:11.360 place as many eels up the rect of elder horses, 0:05:11.600 --> 0:05:13.760 just as you say, and i shall spread this gospel 0:05:13.800 --> 0:05:16.039 of eel horse to the other horse sellers, so we 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:18.760 may all share in your holy riches. And I'm pretty 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:22.000 sure that's how it went, because throughout the fifteen hundreds, 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:25.159 possibly earlier, it's it's unclear when this started, but it 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:28.360 definitely was. It was very popular throughout the fifteen hundreds 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:32.920 and early eighteen hundreds. That's amazing. Yeah, so inswering live 0:05:33.000 --> 0:05:35.559 life yels up the back into horses, that the horses 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:37.600 that were past their prime to make them appear more 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:43.440 like frisky and young. Because that's the phrase that keeps 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:45.920 coming up, is that when when when when? When they 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:48.560 were looking to buy horses, a good sign of a 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:51.359 horse was that it carries its tail well. Means the 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:53.920 tail is like upright and like almost erect. Is that 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:58.000 it's very fluffy. And the same people sure, well furries 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:01.400 at least furries. Yeah, so and and and the eel 0:06:01.480 --> 0:06:05.480 thing very much. The phrase that they kept using was 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:08.680 like putting the eel up helps keep the tail held 0:06:08.760 --> 0:06:13.840 well because because the horse I am, I'm just imagining 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:18.760 generations of like marks buying women horses and like, god 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:21.560 damn it, the eel this one too. That's that is 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:24.320 exactly what happened. You gotta check the asshole, Mitch. I 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:27.080 telled you that never buy a used horse without check 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:29.880 in the asshole. So yeah, so yeah, in certain lit 0:06:29.960 --> 0:06:31.839 deals on the back ends of horses past their prime, 0:06:31.960 --> 0:06:34.080 was very common to make them appear more frisky and young, 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:38.960 you know, and happen to eel. I mean, whatever eels 0:06:38.960 --> 0:06:42.840 were available in England. It's it's it's it's hard. It's 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:46.839 hard to say because there's not extremely thrown documentation of this. 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:50.200 Most of the documentation comes from comes from dictionaries and 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:53.400 literary references. So you hear this like appearing in like 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:56.760 poems and stories and be like describing what selling horses 0:06:56.920 --> 0:07:00.400 was like. Um and definitely. So there's two kinds of 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:03.720 eels in the UK, silver and conjure. It's not a 0:07:03.720 --> 0:07:08.240 conjure eel. Look up the conjure eel look decisive this thing. 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:12.680 I mean, I'm not sure like the size of horses, 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:21.520 Oh my god, yeah, no, it's not a conjural. It's 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:27.640 not an alligator. That's that is that is discomfitingly large, 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:31.040 that's set in how big that eel is? That that 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:34.240 is generally pro eel, but that is toom Okay, it's 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:37.320 probably a silver eel. Looks more manageable. So I'm guessing 0:07:37.360 --> 0:07:39.440 it's a silver eel. So yeah, you could fit one 0:07:39.440 --> 0:07:42.720 of those up a horses, ass, no problem. What happened 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:47.600 right up an asshole, just say this was not what 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:51.280 I thought was going to be happening today. I couldn't 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:55.200 I couldn't be happier. So so yeah, Often what what 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:57.440 happened would be when when people would come into the 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.480 show room to see the horses like this table, boys 0:08:00.520 --> 0:08:02.720 would be like would shove the eels up there really quickly. 0:08:03.240 --> 0:08:15.200 Green people were coming to visit. Um sou so there 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:18.280 is there is, there is a word for this. The 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:22.559 process was called feeding or to feed a horse. Um 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:25.320 Jesus Christ. We find we find reference to this process 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:29.360 in in the excellent Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. Um. 0:08:29.400 --> 0:08:32.520 There in a few copies of this have have feging. 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:36.520 I'm going to read from one from it says, to 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:39.600 feed is to put a live eel up the horses fundament, 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.880 to make him lively and carry his tail. Well. Um. 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:45.760 The author goes on to note that the practice was 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:49.760 so widespread that quote it is it is said a 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:53.240 forfeit is incurred by any horse dealer's servant who shall 0:08:53.320 --> 0:08:57.200 shoot a horse without feeding him first. So pretty good, 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:02.319 pretty good stuff. Credible. Um. Okay, you know I make 0:09:02.360 --> 0:09:04.800 a lot of jokes about the war against the horses. 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:07.840 But like it's hard to name an animal that's taken 0:09:07.880 --> 0:09:10.760 more hits for the team, the team being humanity than 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:13.360 the horse. Like the horse we have we have fucked 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:16.400 them over for so Like dogs were like, yeah, you 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:18.440 want to be best friends and like hunt together and 0:09:18.480 --> 0:09:21.000 hang out and we'll give you food. With horses are 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:23.640 like you know what machine guns are here about to 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:28.720 learn it's your job to run towards them. Yeah, horses, 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.320 horses have taken decent, decent amount of abuse. Um, we've 0:09:31.360 --> 0:09:34.040 really uh yeah, I didn't know that this had happened, 0:09:34.040 --> 0:09:37.400 but yeah, speaking What's what's really fun is that you 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:39.720 can find a good number of references to this phenomenon 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:44.320 in literary writing from the time um. In sixteen sixteen, 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:46.960 there was a book of poems published by the then 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:51.480 late poet Thomas Overbury and included an array of poetic 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:55.560 character character sketches of like unsavory types of people written 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:59.760 by various anonymous authors. On one of these poems, excellent 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:06.719 details the character. One of these poems details the characteristics 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:11.720 of an uh an errand horse courser Um and noted that, 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:15.440 among other unsavory habits, the man knows how to cover 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:19.000 up diseases and defects of all sorts. For pounding his 0:10:19.080 --> 0:10:23.240 horses ars with quicksilver and giving him suppositories of live eels. 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:28.319 He's an expert, pretty, referring to putting a live eel 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:31.760 up an ass as a suppository, suppository of live els. Yeah, 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:35.960 that that is incredible. That is amazing, he Harrison. I'm 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:41.760 very proud of you. He is expert expert at an 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:45.880 errand horse courser. Oh man, um man, maybe this is 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:49.000 how I prepare the eel horse, starting at while the 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:51.360 horse was alive. No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:55.000 do that. You realize that they're supposed to be bad guys, 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:59.200 right like the like they're the use they're literally the 0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:03.360 used cars salesman of the medieval period. Yes, and they're 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:09.680 shoving sho come down to Slick Joe's Discounter horse depot. 0:11:09.840 --> 0:11:15.880 Absolutely no wheels up their assholes. A young John Milton 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:21.640 mentioned figging in incredible in a sixteen Latin poem while 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:25.520 mocking his fellow Cambridge students. Um He described a certain 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:29.200 Irish bird as quote more useful to grooms because they're 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:33.120 by nature lively and brisk and prancing and if they 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:35.360 were forced into the anus of a scriggly horse, they 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:38.400 would make them livelier and quicker than had ten than 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:42.680 if they had ten live wheels of their bellies. Wow, Garrison, 0:11:42.760 --> 0:11:46.040 I want to congratulate you here because for years, Sophie 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:48.360 will back me up on this. I have been trying 0:11:48.559 --> 0:11:52.119 to work in paradise. Lost connections to behind the bastards 0:11:52.240 --> 0:11:54.560 hasn't happened yet. We just don't go far back enough. 0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:57.840 But you finally brought old J. Milt into it and 0:11:59.760 --> 0:12:08.480 roll the West of sixteen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:12.480 everyone says the Humors. The humors poet Edward Award in 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:16.920 his seventeen hundred uh a Song upon Dancing, wrote that 0:12:17.240 --> 0:12:20.240 dancers skip with a nimble force as eels as the 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:23.440 belly of a horse, which jockeys use each each market 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:28.520 day to make him dance. As people say, So that's nice. Um, actually, yeah, 0:12:28.600 --> 0:12:31.880 he had. He had a decent little thing going. So yeah. 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.120 Unfortunate or unfortunately depending on the perspective. But by the 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:39.200 late seventeen hundreds and early eighteen hundreds, the eel anal 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:43.160 insertion had begun to fall out of fashion. Um as 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:47.920 horse salesman realized probably again via divine revelation from the Lord, 0:12:48.200 --> 0:12:50.280 that the same effect, or at least a similar effect, 0:12:50.280 --> 0:12:53.400 could be achieved by instead inserting a piece of spicy 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:57.079 ginger up the horses urs um. And this is apparently 0:12:57.080 --> 0:12:59.000 still an issue at horse shows that people have to 0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:02.800 like enforce stop people from shoving ginger ginger up the 0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:06.480 butt of horses to make Yeah, this is still like 0:13:06.520 --> 0:13:10.600 an ongoing problem that needs like enforcement of bus shows. Yeah, yeah, 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:13.959 the ginger police. Yeah. But that means though, if you 0:13:14.160 --> 0:13:16.079 if you went back to shoven eels up their asses, 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:18.240 nobody would catch it. They're not still checking for eel. 0:13:18.400 --> 0:13:20.520 I'm just telling you, if you want to cheat at 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:25.240 having nice horses eels, that's wide open, baby. Yeah, try 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:28.000 an electric one. Maybe that's how I'll cook it, Garrison, 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:32.360 I don't think so. Okay, well we'll talk about it. Yeah, 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:36.040 but we we still do actually have the the modern 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:38.720 phrase to ginger up or do we spice upper horse? 0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:42.480 This comes from feging. I've never heard of that phrase, 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:44.920 but I'll trust you it's it's it's it's it's a phrase. 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:48.520 Um and and this is this is also where we 0:13:48.600 --> 0:13:51.640 get to the modern B D S M practice called 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:56.000 figging again driving from the feeding where but but figging 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:59.000 is usually a butt plug made of ginger placed up 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:02.839 someone sanis um and this this we will circle back 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:06.040 to this at the end, um, because this will help 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:10.720 us explain a modern modern eel issue we have. Um. Yes, 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:14.320 modern eel issues are very serious. Yeah, speaking of eel shoes. 0:14:14.400 --> 0:14:17.040 Eel shoes speak. Speaking of eel shoes. Uh, do you 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:19.400 know who else wants you to buy live eels to 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:22.880 stick up the butts of horses? Oh gosh, I mean 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:29.760 jesus um our friends at Uh, I don't know one 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:33.680 of the food we call it. We call it stimulations. Yeah, 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.520 stimulations people who make those fucking uh those uh those 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:44.800 with with with uh all of ours, Oh my gosh, 0:14:45.440 --> 0:14:48.920 obviously they are all huge fans of cheven eels and assholes. 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:52.000 In fact, that's the only requirement we have of our sponsors. 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:54.480 Have you put an eel in some things, but doesn't 0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:56.480 have to be a horse, and in fact, oftentimes it's 0:14:56.480 --> 0:14:59.520 a completely different species. Um. We like it when they 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:02.600 get created of and that's the behind the bastards guarantee 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:14.440 We're back all right, Garrison, I'm I'm ready so so yeah, 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:17.960 so the first bastards of today are the fourteen through 0:15:18.080 --> 0:15:24.000 seventeenth century horse salesman. Um. But unfortunate, unfortunately, we still 0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:27.680 have some time left in this episode. As you can tell, um, 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:30.000 and and and once me and my friends started googling 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:32.880 eel and anus, this let us down a dark rabbit 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:35.520 hole that forever scared my mind. Um, yeah, I can 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:38.880 see how that would go to some bad places. Actually, unfortunately, 0:15:38.920 --> 0:15:42.240 we're going to be briefly moving away from horses and 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:47.960 towards another h species called humans, which which which which 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:51.360 leads us to probably the darkest, most evil segment today's episode, 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:56.520 The Phoenix Program. Oh, that sounds like a good thing 0:15:56.600 --> 0:16:00.200 to be involved in assholes being filled with. So the 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:04.160 Phoenix Program was the rutal counterinsurgency program started in nineteen 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:07.360 sixty eight and run by William Colby later ahead of 0:16:07.360 --> 0:16:09.800 the CIA. It was aimed at reading out Viet Cong 0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:15.280 or anyone deemed Vietcong sympathizers. The Viet Cong was anybody 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:19.200 that we happened to bomb. Um. Yeah, so weading out 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:24.600 anyone deemed Vietcong sympathizers by identification and neutralization. Uh. With 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:28.600 with the with the methodology of infiltration, capture, terrorism, torture, 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:33.560 and assassination. The Phoenix program was designed, coordinated, and executed 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:36.080 primarily by the CIA, with some help by the United 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:40.120 States Special Operations Forces during the war in Vietnam. Versions 0:16:40.120 --> 0:16:43.000 of the program we're kind of an operation between sixty 0:16:43.440 --> 0:16:47.720 between nineteen sixty five and nineteen sixty and nineteen seventy two. 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:50.920 But but the official program and an official body count 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:54.680 begun in sixty eight UM, and similar programs existed both 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:58.560 before and after that period. UM. But you know, for 0:16:58.600 --> 0:17:02.120 the official Phoenix program, it starts and starts in eight 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:06.679 goes to seventy two UM. By two Phoenix operatives had 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:11.240 to quote unquote neutralized at least any one thousand and 0:17:11.320 --> 0:17:15.200 six d forty people UM suspected of being operatives or 0:17:15.200 --> 0:17:18.720 sympathizers of the Vietcong UM, at least twenty six thousand, 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:22.240 of whom were officially killed, but South Vietnamese officials estimate 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:27.200 over forty thousand were killed. UM Military intelligence officer K. 0:17:27.440 --> 0:17:31.760 Milton Osborne witnessed the wrote a book about his time there, 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:35.160 and witnessed the following forms of torture UM, including the 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:39.199 use of of inserting a six inch dowel into the 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:42.879 cavity of a detainees ears and tapping, tapping the dowel 0:17:42.960 --> 0:17:47.920 through the brain until the person dies. Uh, a lot 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:50.960 of a lot of starvation to death inside a cage 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.240 um and other and I'm going to read a quote now. 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:57.359 Other methods of torture used in the interrogation centers include rape, 0:17:57.480 --> 0:18:00.520 gang rape, rape using hard objects, rape followed by murder, 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:04.000 electric shock by attaching wires to the genitals, and rape 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:08.280 using eels and snakes. Um, so this is this is 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:11.240 like the most fucking evil humanity can do. Like the 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:14.439 Phoenix program is like is like up there and like 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:19.439 the most like evil. No, yeah, it's that's on the 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:21.760 same level. It's like the most bastard you can be. 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:25.440 Like all like the horrific abuses done in the Phoenix 0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:28.240 program by the American government. And there was there was 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:32.480 assistance from the South Vietnamians government, assistance from Australia, but 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:34.919 it was mostly the American government. Um it is it 0:18:35.080 --> 0:18:37.480 is like the most possibly evil thing if you like 0:18:37.880 --> 0:18:40.840 about the Phoenix program in detail. That's the highest it. Well, 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:42.640 we'll do a we'll do a whole thing. No, yeah, 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:47.520 they deserve their own like Series one there after the 0:18:47.640 --> 0:18:51.360 nine part Kissinger series, like William Colby and the CIA 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:55.000 in the Vietnam War. It's that they're like, it's extremely, 0:18:55.160 --> 0:18:59.240 extremely fucking nightmare. I mean it's like it's like people 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:05.480 talk rightly about um u UM, which was a Japanese 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:08.919 military detachment that did like biological and chemical warfare research 0:19:08.960 --> 0:19:12.920 that involved some of the worst stories of like torture, 0:19:13.320 --> 0:19:16.639 um and experiment like like and like Dr Mangela, And 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:19.359 we talk about these as if like these are unique 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:22.480 horrors of like fascist countries. Um. I guess you could 0:19:22.480 --> 0:19:25.000 say they're unique cars of fascist countries because certainly, within 0:19:25.040 --> 0:19:27.879 the context of our policies in Vietnam, the United States 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.280 was doing some fashion as hell ship. Um. But like 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:34.520 the ship that US that the CIA pulled in Vietnam, 0:19:35.040 --> 0:19:37.960 is that same level, like that exact same level. It 0:19:38.040 --> 0:19:41.000 is not. It is not devaluing the horrors of the 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:44.960 Holocaust or of the Japanese war crimes in Manchuria to 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:48.280 put this kind of ship. I mean, they're raping people 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:52.240 with eels until they die, until raping people to death 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:55.320 with eels, Like what what do you? Yeah, I was 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:58.199 I was aware of this sort of thing mainly with 0:19:58.240 --> 0:20:01.239 snakes and stuff. But yeah, out after some of the 0:20:01.240 --> 0:20:05.480 details of the abuses like this less than the Horse, No, yeah, 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:08.720 this is this is this is definitely less fun. So 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:10.959 after some of the details of the horrific abuses by 0:20:10.960 --> 0:20:12.879 the CIA and Army that was carried on in Vietnam, 0:20:12.920 --> 0:20:14.920 as they slowly came to light in the early seventies, 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:18.480 the program was officially shut down under public pressure, but 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:21.840 in actuality it just it just continued under a different 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:24.200 name um. And some of the control of the program 0:20:24.200 --> 0:20:27.320 was handed to the South Vietnam government. UM. And yeah, 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:29.000 it's it's kind of hard to pivot away from something 0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:31.600 that's dark, UM. But I'm going to think of it 0:20:31.600 --> 0:20:33.359 as a way to help kind of wash down the 0:20:33.440 --> 0:20:36.560 human filth that we just discussed. UM. Because because now 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:38.679 we we are gonna we are going to discuss the 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:43.520 the modern eel anus problem. UM. And now this this 0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:45.840 is I'm glad we're getting We're getting up to the 0:20:45.880 --> 0:20:48.520 modern day exiting. So this this is, this is a 0:20:48.600 --> 0:20:51.679 thing with multiple facets, um, and a sizeable portion of 0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:58.080 which is an extension of the figging figging connection. And Christ, well, good, 0:20:58.119 --> 0:21:00.960 actually this is good. I would of that, it goes 0:21:00.960 --> 0:21:05.280 back to the horses. Yeah, so thank god. April in 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:09.280 the Guangdong Province of China, a destructively horny, a single, 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:12.560 thirty nine year old man was watching cat was watching 0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:15.920 Everything's Coming together for this story, was watching an eel 0:21:16.040 --> 0:21:19.360 figging porn, and he had the uncontrollable urge to try 0:21:19.400 --> 0:21:22.359 it himself. Wait, wait, watching he was watching an eel 0:21:22.440 --> 0:21:25.040 thinking porn. So but here's this, I think you said 0:21:25.080 --> 0:21:27.760 eighteen thirteen. No, this is two us and thirteen two 0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:33.879 thirteen miss heard watching porn. Okay, yeah to us and thirteen. 0:21:34.640 --> 0:21:38.800 Horribly horny old man was watching an eel thinking porn, 0:21:39.119 --> 0:21:43.680 and he the uncontrollable to try himself. I see fin 0:21:43.800 --> 0:21:46.400 researching this episode, I've seen about every video of eel's 0:21:46.440 --> 0:21:50.880 going into bodies on the internet. Yeah, okay, it's a watch. 0:21:51.160 --> 0:21:54.960 We should watch Zoo together, Garrison. Um. Anyway, so he 0:21:55.400 --> 0:21:59.200 tried himself, and he tried to just he tried to grab. 0:21:59.320 --> 0:22:01.280 He tried to keep holding the eel for the duration 0:22:01.359 --> 0:22:03.840 of the of the period, but he lost probably a 0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:06.960 good idea, but he lost grip of the slippery little fucker. 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:10.760 See that's that's that's rookie ship. You gotta get you 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:12.920 gotta get a get a get a get a like 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:15.800 rope around that and it's it swam all the way 0:22:15.880 --> 0:22:19.480 up there, and that's gonna happen. After fail attempts to 0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:21.400 remove the eel, the man went to the emergency room 0:22:21.640 --> 0:22:25.639 for medical assistance. Um, and he told the presumably confused medics, 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:29.919 please please help me. The eel is moving through my body. UM. 0:22:31.600 --> 0:22:35.040 Imagine that's just your fucking day, right, Like you're six 0:22:35.160 --> 0:22:37.640 hours into a shift, you're getting ready to go home, 0:22:38.040 --> 0:22:41.000 you're tired, you've already seen some ship. And the kid's like, 0:22:41.160 --> 0:22:45.480 there's an eel moving inside of me for undetermined reasons, 0:22:45.680 --> 0:22:48.879 and like that's the rest of your fucking night. Yep. So, 0:22:49.119 --> 0:22:51.639 the twitter centimeter long eel tuted the way through the 0:22:51.680 --> 0:22:55.640 man's colon, up perforated his large intestine, and became stuck 0:22:55.680 --> 0:22:58.639 in the body cavity. The medical team that treated the 0:22:58.680 --> 0:23:00.720 man reportedly said to the eel, which we made about 0:23:00.720 --> 0:23:03.600 a pound, was quote simply trying to find its way out, 0:23:04.920 --> 0:23:09.359 and their fair play by the eel anything, None of 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:11.080 the none of the things we're talking about today is 0:23:11.119 --> 0:23:13.600 the eel's fault. None of these. None of what we're 0:23:13.600 --> 0:23:16.719 talking about today is to say that nothing has ever 0:23:16.800 --> 0:23:20.320 been in eel's fault because their eel. No, it is 0:23:20.640 --> 0:23:24.720 this is just on us, totally on us. UM. The 0:23:24.800 --> 0:23:27.280 medical team said the eel was still alive when we 0:23:27.359 --> 0:23:29.920 got it out, but it died soon afterwards, which was 0:23:29.960 --> 0:23:33.280 probably a mercy. So yeah, I have I have read, 0:23:33.440 --> 0:23:36.720 um every single story of eel's going up people's butts 0:23:36.720 --> 0:23:39.119