1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:04,000 Speaker 1: What if you've been approaching dating all wrong. Maybe you've 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: put yourself out there but nothing clicks, or you're still 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,280 Speaker 1: waiting for the right person. Over half of singles today 4 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 1: are open to love, yet more than sixty percent feel 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,320 Speaker 1: burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't 6 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: about perfection. It's about showing up, authentically, reading the right signals, 7 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by 8 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:30,480 Speaker 1: body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Tareki, 9 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:36,480 Speaker 1: relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb. A masterclass 10 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships. That last, Let's get 11 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: into it. 12 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:48,120 Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Seti Jay Sheety. 13 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 1: Social scientist Vanessa van Edwards shifts our attention to the 14 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in 15 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that 16 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows 17 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:10,039 Speaker 1: we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only twenty eight 18 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,039 Speaker 1: percent of the time, and women often have to send 19 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:17,479 Speaker 1: multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen 20 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,000 Speaker 1: and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at 21 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 1: a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. 22 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,640 Speaker 1: Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes, 23 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,479 Speaker 1: you want to signal to someone to make a move. 24 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: You want to let them know that you find them attractive, 25 00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: that you'd like them to do something. But you want 26 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: to be subtle. You don't want to give it away. 27 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: How do you let someone know that they should make 28 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,880 Speaker 1: a move without giving it away. 29 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 3: Okay, I'm going to give you news that you're probably 30 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,000 Speaker 3: not going to like, but it's so important. It's a 31 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 3: phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very 32 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 3: well studied that we tend to think we are over 33 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 3: obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, 34 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 3: they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub setting, 35 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 3: women and men who think they are being obvious with 36 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 3: their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea. Okay, 37 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 3: that's so good. They even counted the number of flirtation signals. 38 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 3: This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they 39 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,679 Speaker 3: counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people. In the 40 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 3: room they found in ten minutes. How many signals do 41 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,560 Speaker 3: you think it took for a woman to show a 42 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 3: man she was interested? How many in ten minutes? How 43 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 3: many signals did she have to. 44 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,959 Speaker 1: Send when it actually worked? 45 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,240 Speaker 2: When it actually worked. 46 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: Now that you've given me some sort of I'm gonna 47 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: go thirty. 48 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 4: Twenty nine, Oh, okay, cool, that's it. But do you 49 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,359 Speaker 4: know how many signals that is in ten minutes? A 50 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 4: law of signals that is that is pretty constant. And 51 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,359 Speaker 4: if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three. Right, 52 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 4: It was only because you gave me a sense that 53 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 4: there was more. I probably would have said three seven. 54 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 3: That is what women think is it was needed. I 55 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,679 Speaker 3: sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. 56 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 3: He's not interested, No, he didn't see him, or he 57 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,119 Speaker 3: doubted himself, or he was like, was that a trick 58 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 3: of my eye? It took twenty nine signals in ten 59 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 3: minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh, 60 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 3: she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the 61 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 3: conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? 62 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 3: And this is what's most important is in the same 63 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,079 Speaker 3: group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most 64 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 3: attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness got approached 65 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 3: less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough. 66 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 1: Fascinating. 67 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,720 Speaker 3: So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, 68 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 3: you won't be approached. 69 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: Do you have to approach more? Based on how objectively 70 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:38,840 Speaker 1: attractive you are? 71 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 2: You have to be available more. 72 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 3: So what they found and this is so it's ridiculous 73 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,240 Speaker 3: that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand 74 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 3: that something. I think we use attractiveness as an excuse 75 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 3: I'm not pretty enough or I'm. 76 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 2: Not this enough. 77 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 3: No, actually, some unattractive women whose signaled availability got approached more. 78 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,119 Speaker 2: Wow. 79 00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 3: And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you 80 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 3: think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how 81 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 3: you smell, all those things are great, but they will 82 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 3: not work if you do not know the body language 83 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 3: signals of availability, and you have to be super clear 84 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 3: with them. So the very first one are flirty glances. 85 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm going to demo it for you. 86 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,680 Speaker 3: Okay, So flirty glances are typically they little look at 87 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 3: Gaye patterns is we sweep the room with our eyes 88 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 3: and then we see someone we. 89 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,240 Speaker 1: Like we oh yeah, nice little side glans. 90 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, like very brief. It's a look. 91 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 3: It's a look back, but then look back. Yeah, and 92 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 3: it's a side look or a down and up look. 93 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,160 Speaker 3: The down and up look works really well because you're 94 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:42,359 Speaker 3: looking up through your lashes. 95 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 2: That's a very I think Marilyn Monroe. 96 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,720 Speaker 3: So if you want to look at the classic example 97 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:49,200 Speaker 3: of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has 98 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,479 Speaker 3: her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes. 99 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,359 Speaker 3: That is a look that we just like. We just 100 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 3: like it, that's why we like it. So it's glancing 101 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 3: around the room and then eye contact away, I contact away. 102 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,559 Speaker 2: Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile. 103 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,320 Speaker 3: And by the way, remember it took twenty nine of these, 104 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 3: so we got to get really comfortable with trying. 105 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: And the nice thing is there's no pressure. If he 106 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 2: doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the. 107 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:17,479 Speaker 3: Glans, right, So eye contact smiles, a self touch is 108 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 3: also considered a flirty glance. 109 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 2: So like if I. 110 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 3: Play with my hair or I play with my dress, 111 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 3: that's a way of signaling our hair health. From from 112 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 3: evolutionary perspective, it's like, look, how healthy I am my 113 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 3: healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons 114 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 3: why we tend to like long hair. We'll also when 115 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 3: they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. 116 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 3: This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why some women 117 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 3: will touch their neck or touch their lips is because 118 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,240 Speaker 3: they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very, 119 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,880 Speaker 3: very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important 120 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 3: in friendships for example. It's a little bit off the 121 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:52,039 Speaker 3: side of dating. But I just want to explain why 122 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 3: smell is so important. I just read this study and 123 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 3: I was like, what. They had women wear white T 124 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,479 Speaker 3: shirts with no deodorant, no nothing, so just their natural 125 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 3: smell for twenty four hours. They took these T shirts 126 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 3: and they had other women smell these T shirts and 127 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 3: rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay, 128 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,040 Speaker 3: imagine your opening is the thought bag and you're smelling shit. 129 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:13,279 Speaker 1: Painful study. 130 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 3: I would have loved it. Okay, I would have loved it. 131 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,400 Speaker 3: Sign me up in the researchers. I'm there. So they 132 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:19,880 Speaker 3: had them smell the T shirts and had them rate 133 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 3: them on how much they liked the smell. Then they 134 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,160 Speaker 3: had all the women interact in person, they didn't know 135 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 3: who's who. The smell they liked the best predicted who 136 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 3: they liked the best in person, so they actually found 137 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 3: their people. There is something to it. So when you're 138 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 3: self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release 139 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,920 Speaker 3: this natural smell of like, I'm going to probably click 140 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,479 Speaker 3: with you. That's why you good if you smell good, 141 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 3: and good is subjective, like that's why I think white. 142 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,160 Speaker 3: Sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking. We like each 143 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:55,039 Speaker 3: other's smell. So being available also like releasing pheromone self 144 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,240 Speaker 3: touch And then this one is not from the research, 145 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,720 Speaker 3: but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I 146 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:05,039 Speaker 3: think the best way to show availability is one word, 147 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:11,960 Speaker 3: and it sounds like this, Hey, just okay, you walk 148 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 3: to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk 149 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 3: by them, Hey, just like that, because look, by the way, 150 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,360 Speaker 3: this is for both men and women, okay, because life 151 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 3: is too short to not hay right, And there's no 152 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,720 Speaker 3: pressure if you walk by someone in the gym, right 153 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 3: and you're like hey, even if they have their air pods, 154 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 3: and if they like you, they're gonna be like hey, right. 155 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: Does it matter the tone of voice, because you say 156 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:39,520 Speaker 1: it matters you. Hey, It's not like that. 157 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:43,480 Speaker 3: It's pretty good, okay, all right, okay, so I'll do. 158 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 2: See men. 159 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 3: Men do good with a downward inflection, So like that 160 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,280 Speaker 3: down reflection is good. So if it goes good, the 161 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 3: guy is gonna be like hey. If he's not into it, 162 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 3: he's gonna be like hey, right. 163 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 2: No problem, right, like cool. Hey. So it's like the. 164 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 3: Most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store. 165 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,640 Speaker 3: When even by the way, if someone has airputs on there, 166 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 3: it's still going to see you go. They're going to 167 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 3: take out their heir fine, and they're gonna be like hey, 168 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 3: So here's the difference, right, So I am using the 169 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 3: lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important 170 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 3: for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how 171 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,840 Speaker 3: confident someone is within the first two hundred milliseconds of 172 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:26,920 Speaker 3: hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most 173 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 3: important word you can say, really is hey, that's it. 174 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 3: You just signaled your confidence. Your confidence, not confidence, it's 175 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 3: specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are 176 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:40,760 Speaker 3: listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So 177 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 3: right now, I'm working really hard to use the lowest 178 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 3: end of my natural voice because I know that people 179 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 3: are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When 180 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,280 Speaker 3: I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher 181 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 3: in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit 182 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 3: more vocal fry, and I might sound a little bit 183 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 3: more like this. Now, if I were to do the 184 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,240 Speaker 3: entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive 185 00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 3: you crazy. It's infectious. We catch it. We don't like 186 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,240 Speaker 3: to be around people, or we could catch their anxiety. 187 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,240 Speaker 3: We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found 188 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 3: that we match the voice resonance of the most important 189 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 3: person in the room. So when they tested people, they 190 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 3: found that they subconsciously their resonance matched whoever's most important 191 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 3: person rom their own resonance. 192 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats 193 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:27,520 Speaker 1: attractiveness every time people respond to signals of openness, not perfection. 194 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 1: Mastering body language like flirty glances, leaning in mirroring someone's 195 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: energy can make a huge difference in who you attract. 196 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,960 Speaker 1: It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that 197 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:52,560 Speaker 1: even a casual Hay can lead to big results. Some 198 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: moments in your life stay with you forever. In a 199 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: special segment of On Purpose, I share a story about 200 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 1: a book that changed my life early in my journey, 201 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 1: and how I was able to find the exact same 202 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,840 Speaker 1: edition on eBay years later. There are certain books that 203 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,440 Speaker 1: don't just give you information, they shift the way you 204 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: see the world. I remember reading one when I was 205 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: younger that completely changed me. Years later, I found myself 206 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: thinking about that book again. I wanted the same edition back, 207 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: not a reprint, not a different cover, that exact one. 208 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 1: So I started searching and that's when I found it 209 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: on eBay. That's what I love about eBay. It's not 210 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,800 Speaker 1: just a marketplace, it's a place where stories live. Shop 211 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:39,360 Speaker 1: eBay for millions of fines, each with a story. eBay 212 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 1: Things People Love. Listen to on Purpose on the iHeartRadio app, 213 00:10:44,960 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Love expert 214 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,080 Speaker 1: Jillian Treki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make 215 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,720 Speaker 1: and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection. 216 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,840 Speaker 1: She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but 217 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,640 Speaker 1: about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks. 218 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,600 Speaker 1: True connection often grows slowly, and with seventy percent of 219 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:25,040 Speaker 1: people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast can 220 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 1: sabotage something meaningful, and above all, choosing who to share 221 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 1: your life with is one of the most important decisions 222 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,800 Speaker 1: you'll ever make. Don't rush it. What are the three 223 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,200 Speaker 1: biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like? What 224 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,559 Speaker 1: am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be 225 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 1: the top question. 226 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 5: So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just 227 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 5: be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps. 228 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 5: Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you 229 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,520 Speaker 5: just focus on that, that's going to burn you out 230 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,480 Speaker 5: and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a 231 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:02,280 Speaker 5: bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people 232 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 5: make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that 233 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,160 Speaker 5: you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with, 234 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:10,679 Speaker 5: Like it's just. 235 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 6: Not that easy. But you have to get out there. 236 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,319 Speaker 6: You have to be proactive. 237 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,880 Speaker 5: Look, there are people who are sitting around on their 238 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,679 Speaker 5: couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the 239 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 5: couch next to them, and it's not going to happen 240 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,400 Speaker 5: that way. So you can either live your life to 241 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 5: the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one 242 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,800 Speaker 5: day organically it may or may not happen if you 243 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,120 Speaker 5: put yourself out there and you wide in your circle, 244 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 5: or you actually have to be proactive, and that might 245 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,080 Speaker 5: mean going on a like dating like at your business, 246 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,959 Speaker 5: like going on a bunch of dates every single week 247 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 5: with this low of an expectation as possible. Because one 248 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 5: of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like 249 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 5: I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this, but 250 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 5: you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel 251 00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 5: like there's a vibe, and then you go out and 252 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 5: you're like, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it, 253 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 5: and then there's this People then get into learned helplessness. 254 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 5: And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, 255 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 5: it's the why me. This is never going to happen. 256 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 5: It's this state that I am in is permanent, like 257 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 5: I will never find anyone. 258 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 4: No. 259 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 5: Dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your 260 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 5: social skills. Social skills are things that most people are 261 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 5: not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think 262 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,720 Speaker 5: that they're really great at it. It takes a lot 263 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 5: to really talk to someone and not interview them and 264 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,040 Speaker 5: actually be curious about them. 265 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 6: You know a lot of people are nervous. 266 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 5: So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and 267 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 5: getting to know someone, and who knows, maybe you make 268 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 5: a friend and maybe you never want to see that 269 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 5: person again, but at least you're practicing. So the three 270 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,240 Speaker 5: biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not 271 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 5: actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting 272 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 5: these certain things unfold organically. Number two impatience. Number three 273 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 5: just sort of high expectations. But I want to add 274 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,640 Speaker 5: another one if I can please people, get into these 275 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,760 Speaker 5: very long I mean when I say long, like weeks 276 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,480 Speaker 5: texting exchanges with these people and it gives them a 277 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 5: false sense of intimacy, Oh I have this amazing connection. 278 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 5: They never even met the person. 279 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 6: And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that. 280 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,400 Speaker 5: Text a little bit back and forth like a day, 281 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 5: and make a date to either meet on FaceTime zoom 282 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 5: or in person. You really should go about it as 283 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,440 Speaker 5: if your time is too precious to waste texting back 284 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,920 Speaker 5: and forth with a stranger who may. 285 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,320 Speaker 6: Not be available for a month. 286 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 5: Yeah, for a month or more, and then you're getting 287 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,480 Speaker 5: all excited. I understand, like the thrill of it, and 288 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 5: it's all it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time. 289 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:48,080 Speaker 6: Honestly, you know, meet the person. 290 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at 291 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: the root of that for so many people, and one 292 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 1: of the things that came to me was this fear 293 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 1: of rejection. So even the idea of I'm talking to 294 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,960 Speaker 1: this person for a month is because I don't have 295 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 1: to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to 296 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,920 Speaker 1: meet me again, or the resistance that we have to 297 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 1: make work and dating feel the same. I know so 298 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,720 Speaker 1: many people who will cancel on dates last minute because 299 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,720 Speaker 1: they're scared of well what if I go and it 300 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: doesn't work out? And rejection, by the way, is two 301 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 1: types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person 302 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: doesn't want me, and the other type of rejection is 303 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,040 Speaker 1: that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person I 304 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,240 Speaker 1: don't want to be with them. So I'm not just 305 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: saying rejection in that we're scared of, well what if 306 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,480 Speaker 1: that person doesn't like me? We're also scared of the 307 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,880 Speaker 1: am I going to reject another person. And like you said, 308 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 1: with the high expectations, what do we do about both 309 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 1: of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's 310 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: take the more obvious one to start with. We all 311 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,080 Speaker 1: want to be loved, We want to be liked. We 312 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,960 Speaker 1: all want the next person to be the person. Chances 313 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,479 Speaker 1: oh that's not going to happen. We know that, yeah, 314 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 1: but still we struggle with the fact that I'm going 315 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 1: to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're 316 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 1: not right for me, or you know, don't really want 317 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 1: to see you again. Like, how do you get over that? 318 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 1: Because we talk about it in an entrepreneurship, we talk 319 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,080 Speaker 1: about it in life, but when you do it with love, 320 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,280 Speaker 1: it seems so personal. 321 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 5: It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. 322 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 5: It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who. 323 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 6: You don't know. This is just human nature. 324 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,600 Speaker 2: We go on dates, even if we're not into the person. 325 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 5: We want them to be into us or right yes, 326 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 5: or like we find them. Let's say we find them attractive, 327 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 5: and then we find out, wait, you're not into me, 328 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 5: you don't find me attractive. Yeah, but life, really, the 329 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 5: quality of our lives is very much determined by how 330 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 5: well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not going to 331 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 5: be for everyone, And I really believe this with all 332 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,400 Speaker 5: of my heart and soul. If someone is not into 333 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 5: you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the 334 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,080 Speaker 5: early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not 335 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 5: feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not 336 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:06,679 Speaker 5: for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to 337 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 5: build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it 338 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 5: makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just 339 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,400 Speaker 5: part of life. And I know that it's like you're 340 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 5: putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like 341 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 5: a magic pill that I could give people to just 342 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,160 Speaker 5: get over it. But you have to become more resilient 343 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 5: when it comes to that. You know, you can't be 344 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 5: hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It 345 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 5: sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that, honestly, you. 346 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:36,400 Speaker 6: Really really do. 347 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,960 Speaker 5: And you have to just trust that, like, you're not 348 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,120 Speaker 5: for everyone and not everyone's for you, and yes it's awkward, 349 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 5: and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of 350 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,360 Speaker 5: it all, you know, but you still have to if 351 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,800 Speaker 5: you want love and you want a relationship, you have 352 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:51,640 Speaker 5: to go for it. 353 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,960 Speaker 6: You can't just be passive. 354 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,800 Speaker 1: You're looking for one person to fall in love with 355 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: you and for you to fall in love with yes, 356 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: And for that you're going to have to meet a 357 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 1: lot of people to find that one person. But all 358 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,600 Speaker 1: you need is one person to say yes, one person 359 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 1: to say I do, one person to say I love you. 360 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: And if you're only looking for one person, just by 361 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,160 Speaker 1: the nature of odds, you should know that that probably 362 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,520 Speaker 1: won't be the next person. So switching to that, you 363 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 1: said one thing about kind of going in at the 364 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:25,400 Speaker 1: lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're 365 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,679 Speaker 1: allowing it to become a friendship. You're allowing it to 366 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,000 Speaker 1: become a nothing ship. You're allowing it to become what 367 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 1: it is, Yes, as opposed to us walking in and 368 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,400 Speaker 1: going this next person's going to be my wife, my husband, 369 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 1: whatever it may be, Yeah, my partner. I think it's 370 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 1: so natural for so many of us to want to 371 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:45,560 Speaker 1: speed up love, Like speeding up love seems to be 372 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: our addiction and obsession with I just want to meet 373 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,080 Speaker 1: the one now that we're daying. I just want to 374 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: get married. Now, you know, it's we're trying to accelerate 375 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: love almost so how do we slow it down and 376 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,760 Speaker 1: how do we take it back to baseline? 377 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:00,640 Speaker 2: Number one? 378 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 6: Is there is no the one? 379 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,720 Speaker 5: There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the 380 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,959 Speaker 5: one is. And this is really really important. Love, as 381 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,359 Speaker 5: I'm sure you know, is a choice, like it's a 382 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:18,479 Speaker 5: feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that 383 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,919 Speaker 5: love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice, 384 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,320 Speaker 5: and that when if you do decide to be with 385 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:27,879 Speaker 5: someone long term, you're going to have to make that 386 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,679 Speaker 5: choice many many times throughout your relationship, which is I 387 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:35,600 Speaker 5: choose you, right. So people want to rush it, and 388 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,119 Speaker 5: so what they do and what I've done is that 389 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,320 Speaker 5: we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been 390 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:43,400 Speaker 5: lied by society that there is in romanticism, that there 391 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,680 Speaker 5: is this one person who's going to come into your 392 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,280 Speaker 5: life and rescue you and make your life better, and 393 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 5: that once you find that person, like everything becomes easier. 394 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,399 Speaker 5: And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships, 395 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,920 Speaker 5: but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less 396 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 5: that you've been modeled what it is to actually really 397 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,600 Speaker 5: love someone. The more you are going to be challenged 398 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 5: to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to 399 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 5: actually love someone and to do love to where it's 400 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 5: a verb and not just a feeling. So how do 401 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:22,359 Speaker 5: we slow it down? And we just want to rush it? 402 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:26,320 Speaker 5: It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people 403 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 5: they meet there's chemistry, and I know that this was me. 404 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 5: I think if there's chemistry, then this is it as 405 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 5: opposed to well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry, 406 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,159 Speaker 5: and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So 407 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,159 Speaker 5: maybe I need to slow down a little bit and 408 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 5: sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about I 409 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,399 Speaker 5: don't want anyone to I don't want to rain on 410 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 5: anyone's parade. Like all that stuff is really fun in 411 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,159 Speaker 5: the beginning, but you want to just say, Okay, hold on, 412 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,760 Speaker 5: what am I feeling right now? This feels really good, 413 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,680 Speaker 5: this is really exciting, But I need to slow down 414 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,800 Speaker 5: because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I 415 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 5: need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get 416 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,400 Speaker 5: a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, 417 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,679 Speaker 5: what it is that I value and what it is 418 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,720 Speaker 5: that I really really want, not just my preference, but 419 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,840 Speaker 5: what do I need in order to function in a relationship. 420 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 5: Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's 421 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 5: difficult women, childbearing, age, societal pressures, get married. I understand. 422 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,760 Speaker 5: I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that 423 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,840 Speaker 5: I can stress that who you decide to partner with 424 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,320 Speaker 5: is one of the most important decisions you will ever 425 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 5: make in your entire life. And we are meant to 426 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:43,120 Speaker 5: kind of get it wrong, and some of us get 427 00:21:43,119 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 5: it wrong for a longer time than others right, but 428 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,400 Speaker 5: it is the most important decision. So if you're going 429 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,720 Speaker 5: to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice. 430 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 5: And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, 431 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,119 Speaker 5: you're scared. You're scared to be alone, you're scared to 432 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:03,960 Speaker 5: not be loved, you don't want to be in the 433 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:04,679 Speaker 5: dating world. 434 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 6: I get all of that. 435 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 5: Be mindful of it, you know, connect to that within yourself, 436 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 5: and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend 437 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 5: your life with might be one of the most important decisions, 438 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,080 Speaker 5: if not the most important decision, because there's no one 439 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 5: in your life who's going to have a bigger impact 440 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 5: on your overall well being an emotional state than the 441 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 5: person who you choose to spend your life with. So 442 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,240 Speaker 5: you've got to take that decision very seriously and not 443 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 5: rush it. 444 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,199 Speaker 1: I have often said to friends, there's the pain of 445 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 1: being single, and there's the pain of being in the 446 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,320 Speaker 1: wrong relationship. Yes, and the pain of being single is 447 00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:45,879 Speaker 1: a lot better than the pain of being in the 448 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:46,800 Speaker 1: wrong relationship. 449 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,000 Speaker 6: Agree one hundred percent. Agree one hundred percent. 450 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:54,560 Speaker 1: It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got 451 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:59,520 Speaker 1: and meshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, 452 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 1: there's as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values. Yes, 453 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,359 Speaker 1: the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but 454 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 1: actually they showed it all along and you didn't see 455 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,959 Speaker 1: the signs. And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier 456 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,200 Speaker 1: when I was single, and you can't see that when 457 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 1: you're single, because the promise of being in a relationship 458 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:22,560 Speaker 1: is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I 459 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:23,560 Speaker 1: must have that now. 460 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,000 Speaker 6: Yes, And. 461 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:30,239 Speaker 5: Many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when 462 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 5: I'm single, but they're actually free to go back to it, 463 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:37,360 Speaker 5: and that's why they stay in these relationships, because we 464 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:38,400 Speaker 5: fear the unknown. 465 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,720 Speaker 1: The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking 466 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,960 Speaker 1: for that one person, understand that it might not be 467 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,160 Speaker 1: the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up. 468 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:51,719 Speaker 1: It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger, and 469 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,560 Speaker 1: more grounded in who you are and what needs you have. 470 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,600 Speaker 1: When you do that, you're able to show up authentically 471 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:17,520 Speaker 1: and honor what you deserve. So often in dating, we 472 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: obsess over who we're attracting, but the real question is 473 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:25,200 Speaker 1: who are entertaining the next guest. Is relationship coach Sadia Khan. 474 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: Nearly eighty percent of datas report being ghosted at least once, 475 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 1: and Sadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of 476 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 1: us can attract all types of people. The problem is 477 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:41,040 Speaker 1: what we normalize, the late night text, the dismissiveness, the 478 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 1: person who never makes space for you. That's where we 479 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,040 Speaker 1: lose our power. Most people I speak to feel like 480 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,880 Speaker 1: they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't 481 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,320 Speaker 1: want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity 482 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,680 Speaker 1: for connection. Why is it? 483 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 7: It's not what we attract us what we entertain. Most 484 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 7: people can attract much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, 485 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,320 Speaker 7: we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have 486 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,520 Speaker 7: low self esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people 487 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,520 Speaker 7: are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed 488 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 7: to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he 489 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,920 Speaker 7: doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really 490 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,639 Speaker 7: ask me how my day is. It's normal that he 491 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,480 Speaker 7: only texts me at twelve am on a Friday night. 492 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,919 Speaker 7: And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they 493 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,080 Speaker 7: start to accept what's actually not going to lead to 494 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 7: a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what 495 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,199 Speaker 7: they're attracting but what they're entertaining, they can take their 496 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,920 Speaker 7: power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men, 497 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,480 Speaker 7: but the ones I keep forming an attachment to are 498 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,080 Speaker 7: the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the 499 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,280 Speaker 7: ones that leave me worrying what this is and where 500 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,879 Speaker 7: this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I 501 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:43,840 Speaker 7: start to learn that that is a signal that they've 502 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 7: got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is 503 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:49,119 Speaker 7: delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay 504 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,439 Speaker 7: my ability to have a family, and so on and 505 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,640 Speaker 7: so forth. So we can attract all types of men, 506 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,960 Speaker 7: but we only entertain the ones that will enable you 507 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:57,879 Speaker 7: to start a family, in a relationship, or whatever your 508 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,320 Speaker 7: goal is. They enable that, and if they don't, pople that, 509 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:01,880 Speaker 7: try and lose attraction for them. 510 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:05,080 Speaker 1: Why do we feel more attracted to people who make 511 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:07,960 Speaker 1: us anxious and who are unavailable. Why is it that 512 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,360 Speaker 1: we think that they're the ones worth chasing. 513 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,760 Speaker 7: Firstly, if we have low self esteem, we kind of 514 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:17,200 Speaker 7: see as that this is supposed to happen, and nobody's 515 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 7: supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably 516 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 7: not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated 517 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 7: like this if that's your low self esteem. But the 518 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,359 Speaker 7: other thing is unavailable men. Sometimes they demonstrate the idea 519 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,760 Speaker 7: of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem 520 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 7: more desirable, and because of that mystery, we assume that 521 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,320 Speaker 7: they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives, there's 522 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,480 Speaker 7: something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive. 523 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,440 Speaker 7: When we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature. 524 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,200 Speaker 7: They're not special. Guy that's got a million things going, 525 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 7: and his work is taking over and he's so so busy. 526 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:50,399 Speaker 6: Actually, he's just emotionally mature. 527 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:51,840 Speaker 7: He doesn't know how to commit, he doesn't how to 528 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,399 Speaker 7: ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at 529 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,520 Speaker 7: the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal 530 00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:00,600 Speaker 7: of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so 531 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 7: attractive to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way. 532 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 1: I think, just pot on when I'm listening to you, 533 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,600 Speaker 1: I'm thinking, if you want someone, like anyone should who 534 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,040 Speaker 1: texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not 535 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,440 Speaker 1: an abnormal request. 536 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,240 Speaker 7: And nobody is that busy, I know, like men like 537 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,159 Speaker 7: to sound busy at work or I've got this going on, 538 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,399 Speaker 7: I'm that stressed, completely understandable, but one text to let 539 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,200 Speaker 7: that person know will enable them to just relax the 540 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,680 Speaker 7: whole day. But you can't have the emotional maturity or 541 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,760 Speaker 7: the empathy to just send that quick text. Then that 542 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,680 Speaker 7: person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship, 543 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,440 Speaker 7: and they're probably not worth your investment. 544 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,040 Speaker 1: Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting 545 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: that far because they're meeting people on dating app yeah, 546 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,159 Speaker 1: and so you're swiping away. You might get into a 547 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,760 Speaker 1: conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's 548 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,960 Speaker 1: talk about this. You're not matching with anyone, like no one, 549 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,960 Speaker 1: It doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do 550 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,800 Speaker 1: you say to men and women who feel like they've 551 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,320 Speaker 1: been rejected a few too many times and they're losing 552 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,680 Speaker 1: that faith and ability to feel that there is someone 553 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,040 Speaker 1: out there for them, Just to. 554 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 7: Be careful on are you actually not matching or are 555 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:08,080 Speaker 7: you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is 556 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:10,360 Speaker 7: because of social media and because of dating apps, we 557 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,119 Speaker 7: enter relationships with almost like a double standard or a 558 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,479 Speaker 7: sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well, 559 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 7: if he's not the dream guy, or she's not the 560 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:20,600 Speaker 7: dream girl, if he's not a high value man and 561 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 7: she's not a high value woman, we start to look 562 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:26,200 Speaker 7: at our matches with a level of distaste, when sometimes 563 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,879 Speaker 7: a better thing to do is look at the people 564 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,760 Speaker 7: who are matching with you and try and see are 565 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 7: they actually that bad? 566 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:33,400 Speaker 6: Is there something wrong with them? 567 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 7: Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea 568 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 7: or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access. 569 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,000 Speaker 7: I always just think the more you like the person 570 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 7: you are, the higher your self esteem, The more you 571 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,040 Speaker 7: like people who like you, the fact that the person 572 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 7: that are matching you automatically you start to like them 573 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaker 7: more because they've matched you, because you like you and 574 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,600 Speaker 7: they like you as well. When you've got low self esteem, 575 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,000 Speaker 7: you chase after people that you can't access. So my 576 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,480 Speaker 7: advice to people who's always start with who likes you. 577 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 7: Always start with that poor and then home in on 578 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 7: that pull and see if you've got similar demographics, values, 579 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:05,720 Speaker 7: so on and so forth. But where people go wrong 580 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,560 Speaker 7: is they glorify the people that they're not matching with 581 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,160 Speaker 7: and wanting a love that they've never been able to access, 582 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:14,400 Speaker 7: and then comparing who they do get matched with these 583 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 7: alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is 584 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,640 Speaker 7: to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards 585 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 7: to those people who are actually invested in you. 586 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,480 Speaker 1: It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking 587 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:26,680 Speaker 1: people are going to say is, well, why do I 588 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:27,560 Speaker 1: have to settle? 589 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,880 Speaker 7: If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are 590 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,240 Speaker 7: too high. And what I mean by that is I 591 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 7: sometimes We meet men who are in maybe in their forties, 592 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 7: on their second divorce and saying, I don't want a 593 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,240 Speaker 7: woman with baggage, so I need somebody twenty five years old. 594 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 6: I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I'll. 595 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,080 Speaker 7: Meet women who are you not working and they say 596 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,440 Speaker 7: I want a man that's an entrepreneur, got six figures. 597 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:50,840 Speaker 7: But I always just say you shouldn't you be looking 598 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,000 Speaker 7: for someone similar to you? And if similar to you 599 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,520 Speaker 7: it starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your 600 00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:58,360 Speaker 7: standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to 601 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 7: the table and what you're receiving, if you're ask you 602 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:02,000 Speaker 7: for that, you're not asking for too much. But if 603 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,360 Speaker 7: you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your 604 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 7: self worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards 605 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,600 Speaker 7: a little bit. So ask yourself it does similarity feel 606 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 7: like settling. If it does, then maybe we need to 607 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 7: work on ourselves to be able to access people that 608 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 7: we're actually craving. 609 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so much of what you're doing about it 610 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 1: is just having awareness and honesty. I know, like there's 611 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:23,800 Speaker 1: such a need to be honest with ourselves. 612 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:23,800 Speaker 6: And it's harder. 613 00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:25,960 Speaker 7: It's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we 614 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:29,760 Speaker 7: are bombarded with advice from tiktoks and advice from you know, 615 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,520 Speaker 7: people that are giving advice about never settle. You're somebody's 616 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 7: dream girl, or this is a high value woman. So 617 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 7: we think that if we get anything less than what 618 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 7: our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling, when really, as long 619 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:43,640 Speaker 7: as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and 620 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 7: where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. 621 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,440 Speaker 7: We're just finding somebody who's compatible. 622 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,640 Speaker 1: I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, 623 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:54,480 Speaker 1: their common experience is being ghosted. And I'm sure you've 624 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 1: had a million people about feeling like, hey, we were 625 00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 1: having a good chat and this person just disappeared. Yeah, 626 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 1: what would be your advice as someone who feels like 627 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:04,120 Speaker 1: they've got ghosted? 628 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,600 Speaker 7: I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, 629 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:11,360 Speaker 7: in the digital world, people see each other as disposable 630 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:14,160 Speaker 7: and there's very minimal investments, so they don't always feel 631 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,760 Speaker 7: like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're 632 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,480 Speaker 7: ghosting is either they've met alternatives or they might have 633 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:21,480 Speaker 7: just been on the app to buy some time. To 634 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:24,360 Speaker 7: heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner. 635 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 7: They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind 636 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:29,520 Speaker 7: of recover from some kind of stress that they're going 637 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,360 Speaker 7: through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, 638 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 7: try not to take it too personal. But if you've 639 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 7: been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances 640 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:40,880 Speaker 7: are they're hiding information. Ghosters regardless of their reason, they're 641 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 7: still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have 642 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 7: for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great 643 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,640 Speaker 7: at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people 644 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,000 Speaker 7: who can't communicate well. 645 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,200 Speaker 1: Sardia reminds us it's not about attracting the right person, 646 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: but having this self esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones. 647 00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 1: If someone leaves you, and that's not chemistry, it's immaturity. 648 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:07,480 Speaker 1: If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped 649 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:11,280 Speaker 1: by comparison culture, And if someone ghests you, it's poor 650 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,800 Speaker 1: communication reason enough to walk away. In the end, who 651 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,160 Speaker 1: you choose to entertain shapes the quality of your relationships. 652 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 1: Build your self esteem, use your agency, and invest in 653 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,920 Speaker 1: those who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Lori 654 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:31,600 Speaker 1: Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating, 655 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 1: speaking your truth, knowing when to stay, and having the 656 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,600 Speaker 1: courage to leave. Being honest about what you want is 657 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:42,200 Speaker 1: a needy it's brave. Yet sixty percent of people admit 658 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: staying in relationships longer than they should, while only six 659 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:50,800 Speaker 1: percent leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, its avoidance. 660 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,840 Speaker 1: The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else, 661 00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,440 Speaker 1: it's growing yourself. 662 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:59,400 Speaker 8: Lots of people will say, oh, you know, I know, 663 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 8: I think by the person that I'm dating is also 664 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 8: dating other people. I would like to not date other people, 665 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,360 Speaker 8: but I'm afraid that all appear too needy too early, 666 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,600 Speaker 8: right as opposed to just being honest about what you want. 667 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,440 Speaker 8: They can say yes or no, but to be clear 668 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:17,280 Speaker 8: about Look, we're dating. I don't feel comfortable with I 669 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 8: can't really feel like I can get close to you 670 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,920 Speaker 8: if I know that you're dating other people at this point, 671 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,840 Speaker 8: because we're spending a lot of time together. So how 672 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,080 Speaker 8: do you feel about this? Are you ready to be 673 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,479 Speaker 8: in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you? 674 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,000 Speaker 8: If they say no, Wow, great, you've learned a lot. 675 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,840 Speaker 8: You can make a choice like I'm comfortable doing this 676 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:37,600 Speaker 8: for another month or I'm not, or you know, whatever 677 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,920 Speaker 8: it is. Or they can say, oh, I didn't know 678 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,600 Speaker 8: that that was important to you, and I would like 679 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 8: that too, let's do that, or I'm not ready to 680 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:49,680 Speaker 8: do that. So people do this in all kinds of situations. 681 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:50,720 Speaker 2: It's not just about marriage. 682 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:54,080 Speaker 8: They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into 683 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 8: the kind of relationship where the whole game here is 684 00:33:57,600 --> 00:33:58,840 Speaker 8: bringing your true self to it. 685 00:33:59,240 --> 00:33:59,680 Speaker 2: So if you. 686 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:03,280 Speaker 8: Can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're 687 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,920 Speaker 8: not ready to be together for the long term. You 688 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,120 Speaker 8: can't just say, oh, now that we're engaged, now I 689 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:10,440 Speaker 8: can bring my true self. Well, that's a recipe for 690 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,600 Speaker 8: a disaster, because now it's like you've misrepresented what you 691 00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 8: actually want and need in a relationship, and maybe the 692 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,800 Speaker 8: other person has misinterpreted what you want to need because 693 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:19,719 Speaker 8: you haven't expressed it. 694 00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:22,640 Speaker 1: But we're so's I'm fully with you. I just find 695 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,719 Speaker 1: that we're so it's so hardwired in us, like we're 696 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 1: so scared of rejection. How do you feel about those shows? 697 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:32,560 Speaker 1: And yes they're entertaining, and yes, we love to get 698 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,960 Speaker 1: into all the gossip and what's going on and everything. 699 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:39,400 Speaker 1: How is that affecting our views and our own relationships? 700 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:41,799 Speaker 8: Yeah, I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of 701 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,479 Speaker 8: my therapy clients talk about them. 702 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:47,360 Speaker 1: You know. Finding love is just such a important pillar 703 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:51,000 Speaker 1: of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart 704 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:55,000 Speaker 1: when I see that we're tripping ourselves up. And when 705 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 1: I ask my community what was one of the things 706 00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,520 Speaker 1: that they think trips them up, it was this idea 707 00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,880 Speaker 1: that they we have now coined future tripping, this idea 708 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,800 Speaker 1: of planning the future in their head, visioning a future 709 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 1: with this person. When things are looking okay or good 710 00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:13,360 Speaker 1: in their head, they're you know, in the most extreme cases, 711 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,960 Speaker 1: imagining their wedding day or what their kids might look like. 712 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,480 Speaker 1: But even in the immediate sense, like this could be it, 713 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,200 Speaker 1: this is amazing, this is going to last, And then 714 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 1: all of a sudden they get a reality check with 715 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,960 Speaker 1: that person is not really mirroring that back. How do 716 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,759 Speaker 1: we stop ourselves from future tripping or is there a 717 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:33,040 Speaker 1: healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there 718 00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 1: a collective collaborative future tripping? Like what does that look like? 719 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,080 Speaker 8: I think the future tripping is being in the present. 720 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,080 Speaker 8: And what I mean is what's happening now is what 721 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,480 Speaker 8: is going to look like in the future. So instead 722 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,000 Speaker 8: of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way, 723 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,640 Speaker 8: or we're going to have this kind of life, but 724 00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:51,399 Speaker 8: you don't know if the other person wants that kind 725 00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:53,680 Speaker 8: of life. If you're not talking about it now in 726 00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:57,120 Speaker 8: the present, you don't know how does this person treat 727 00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,359 Speaker 8: me now? What is it like when we're together? The 728 00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:03,319 Speaker 8: biggest decatur would be we had a disagreement, how did 729 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 8: we get through it? 730 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,719 Speaker 2: That's what your future is going to look like. 731 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,759 Speaker 8: We didn't agree on this, We were frustrated with each other, 732 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,240 Speaker 8: We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair 733 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:16,880 Speaker 8: that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair. 734 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,880 Speaker 8: Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your 735 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,920 Speaker 8: family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents, 736 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,360 Speaker 8: with your children, especially with your romantic partners. Because we 737 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 8: have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture 738 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,759 Speaker 8: with them because we're so in love and we see 739 00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,400 Speaker 8: each other and we see eye to eye. 740 00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,000 Speaker 2: But of course you're going to have ruptures. 741 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:37,360 Speaker 8: It's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture, 742 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,600 Speaker 8: it's what do you do with it and what does 743 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,839 Speaker 8: it look like. So if you have been dating for 744 00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:44,760 Speaker 8: let's say six months, and you haven't had a rupture, 745 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:46,919 Speaker 8: you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't 746 00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:49,400 Speaker 8: know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior. 747 00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:52,120 Speaker 8: You have to be able to be yourselves. That's going 748 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 8: to tell you what the future looks like. So stop 749 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:59,080 Speaker 8: the pretending, be yourself, be what you want your future 750 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,279 Speaker 8: to look like. It's like you want your future to 751 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,879 Speaker 8: look like, see how the other person acts and see 752 00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,280 Speaker 8: what happens between the two of you, and a repair 753 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:09,960 Speaker 8: would look like something like, Oh, I didn't you know 754 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,319 Speaker 8: we're having a disagreement right now. Why don't we take 755 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:17,279 Speaker 8: fifteen minutes and let's come back when we're not so 756 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:19,080 Speaker 8: heated and let's talk about that. 757 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,840 Speaker 2: Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what 758 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:23,120 Speaker 2: I've been thinking about this. 759 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:25,600 Speaker 8: You know, say you have an argument, you say we're 760 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:27,359 Speaker 8: not going to talk for a few minutes, let's go 761 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 8: cool off. 762 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:28,480 Speaker 2: Whatever. 763 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:31,319 Speaker 8: You call them back and you say, you know what 764 00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:35,360 Speaker 8: I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry. 765 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,480 Speaker 8: Here's what I did, and I wish I had done 766 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:41,200 Speaker 8: it this way, and that's great if your partner can 767 00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:43,520 Speaker 8: do that, or if you can do that right, and 768 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,160 Speaker 8: then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you, 769 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:49,360 Speaker 8: if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and 770 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:51,760 Speaker 8: I wish that I had reacted differently in this way, 771 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,600 Speaker 8: and how can I be more supportive in those moments? 772 00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,120 Speaker 8: That's beautiful. That's your future, but you have to see 773 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,040 Speaker 8: it in the present. You can't imagine what the future 774 00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,880 Speaker 8: is going to be. You have to actually live it 775 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:06,680 Speaker 8: in the present and say, oh, now, I know it's 776 00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:08,279 Speaker 8: going to be just like it is right now. 777 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:11,799 Speaker 1: Yeah. And like you're saying, like, if you are making 778 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,560 Speaker 1: plans in your head but you're uncomfortable to talk about 779 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:17,160 Speaker 1: those plans, then they only exist in your head, yea, 780 00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:19,480 Speaker 1: Like they aren't real. They aren't they aren't going there 781 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:22,719 Speaker 1: to take away. Your needs in dating are valid. Your 782 00:38:22,719 --> 00:38:25,719 Speaker 1: truth is enough, and your growth will either deepen the 783 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:29,880 Speaker 1: connection or free you for something better. Dating isn't just 784 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,920 Speaker 1: about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity, 785 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:37,040 Speaker 1: and self worth. Here's what we heard today that I 786 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,920 Speaker 1: want you to remember. You can't attract the right person 787 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,239 Speaker 1: until you get to know yourself. You can't receive what 788 00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:46,440 Speaker 1: you want until you learn to ask for it. You 789 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,320 Speaker 1: will attract what you're willing to entertain, and real chemistry 790 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:54,400 Speaker 1: comes from honesty, openness, and courage, whether you're just putting 791 00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:58,640 Speaker 1: yourself back out there or actively dating. Remember, love isn't found, 792 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:02,080 Speaker 1: it's created, and you're worthy of creating it. If you 793 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:05,319 Speaker 1: love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with 794 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,600 Speaker 1: Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and 795 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:10,880 Speaker 1: find true love in your relationships. 796 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:15,319 Speaker 4: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion 797 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:19,520 Speaker 4: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to 798 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,560 Speaker 4: your future self is doing something that gives him or 799 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:24,959 Speaker 4: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life