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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Okay, this week's Thursday Therapy. We've got Chip conleyon. He

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Speaker 2: is a New York Times bestselling author. He's got his

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Speaker 2: seventh book out now, Learning to Love Midlife, Twelve Reasons

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Speaker 2: Why Life gets Better with age. It's about rebranding midlife

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Speaker 2: to help people understand the upside of this often misunderstood

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Speaker 2: life stage.

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Speaker 3: Let's get them month. Hi, how are you.

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Speaker 1: I'm good. How are you doing?

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Speaker 2: You know I'm good. I I'm really happy to talk

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Speaker 2: to you because with your book Learning to Love Midlife?

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Speaker 2: What is what are you clarifying them? Age from midlife

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Speaker 2: thirty five to seventy five? Yeah, because I'm in it,

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Speaker 2: so I definitely feel it. I just turned forty this year,

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Speaker 2: and you know you said that twelve reasons why life

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Speaker 2: gets better with age, And honestly, I'm like, I could

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Speaker 2: list you at least six of them why I love

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Speaker 2: them right, Why I've liked getting older. But the flip

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Speaker 2: side of that, right, the positive Z I feel more

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Speaker 2: comfortable in my own skin. I don't take shit anymore,

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Speaker 2: I have better boundaries, you know, I know more things.

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Speaker 2: It's the part about getting old that still it goes, well, well,

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Speaker 2: crap in like ten ten years, I'm going to be

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Speaker 2: fifty and then god, fifty is like you know, and

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Speaker 2: then and then and then I'm gonna be sixty and

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Speaker 2: then and then so then I you know, had that

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Speaker 2: small fear of like dying, and then I'm like my kid.

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Speaker 2: So it's just like I start to feel a little

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Speaker 2: lumpy in my chest and in my throat like okay,

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Speaker 2: so it's like I'm embracing forty and I'm embracing what

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Speaker 2: that is for me. But then also that the fear

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Speaker 2: side of the getting older and and then and then

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Speaker 2: my time lessening freaks me out.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, mid life is the doorway to later life.

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Speaker 3: Midlife. Midlife is the door to later life.

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Speaker 1: The doorway to later life. So midlife is a bridge,

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Speaker 1: and there is a bridge between early adulthood and later adulthood,

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Speaker 1: and the longer we're living it becomes a longer bridge.

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Speaker 1: And that's why some sociologists say midlife is thirty five

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Speaker 1: to seventy five now, which is you know, a very

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Speaker 1: long bridge. So yes, for some people, for a lot

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Speaker 1: of people, the idea of midlife freaks them out because

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Speaker 1: they're no longer young and they don't want to be old,

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Speaker 1: and so like, how do you sort like I want

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Speaker 1: to just stay where I am right now or I

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Speaker 1: want to be ten years younger. And what I really

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Speaker 1: wanted to do with the book, you know, given that

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Speaker 1: I've had six years now of having over four thousand

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Speaker 1: people from forty seven countries go through our Modern Melder

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Speaker 1: Academy MEA program at in Baja on our beachfront campus,

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Speaker 1: is I wanted to really amplify the fact that we

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Speaker 1: live in an era where anti aging products, which are

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Speaker 1: often anti women products, are rampant, and everybody wants to

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Speaker 1: stay young. And what I really wanted to do is

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Speaker 1: have a pro aging message, not just an anti a message.

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Speaker 1: I think, yes, I want to stay young too. I

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Speaker 1: want my body to look like it to you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm sixty three when I was forty three, But it doesn't.

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Speaker 1: And if I wanted to put more time and energy

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Speaker 1: into it, maybe I could keep it there. But as

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Speaker 1: I say in the book Learning to Love Midlife, a

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Speaker 1: six pack gets more expensive as you get older. And

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Speaker 1: I don't mean I'm not talking about beer here, I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about those abs. It takes more time more energy

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Speaker 1: to keep them and so perfectly fine if you want

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Speaker 1: to do that. It's just that there's an opportunity cost

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Speaker 1: in terms of how much time that takes. So long

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Speaker 1: story short is, there are things that get better with age.

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Speaker 1: And Becca Levy from Yale has shown that when you

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Speaker 1: shift your mindset from the negative to the positive on aging,

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Speaker 1: you gain seven and a half years of additional life.

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Speaker 1: So this is like a number one way to increase

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Speaker 1: your longevity better than you know, improving sleep better than diet,

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Speaker 1: but exercise better than stopping smoking. And so you know,

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Speaker 1: MEA and my book are sort of a laboratory for

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Speaker 1: a public service announcement saying, hey, there are some things

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Speaker 1: that get better with age, which we'll talk about today.

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Speaker 3: So and I love that.

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Speaker 2: So take take me for example, Right, So how do I,

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Speaker 2: because I do know that there are things better with age,

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Speaker 2: how do I bridge that gap essentially to get to

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Speaker 2: the other side of it, to not worry about the

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Speaker 2: other half of the fear?

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Speaker 1: You know, first of all, talking to other people. You know,

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Speaker 1: people your own age, but also people older. So you're forty,

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Speaker 1: are almost forty, and I'm sixty.

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Speaker 3: I just turned forty.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you just turned forty and I'm sixty three,

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Speaker 1: so you know, and also especially talking to women, you know,

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Speaker 1: in our society, you know, when you get older as

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Speaker 1: a man, you become the silver fox, you become Richard

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Speaker 1: Gear or George Clooney. While things are improving, there's still

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Speaker 1: a challenge for a woman getting older because they're the

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Speaker 1: silver vixen, and no one talks about a silver vixen.

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Speaker 1: And the women have a lot of things that sort

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Speaker 1: of work against them in terms of age, especially if

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Speaker 1: you have been somebody who's been visible and appreciated for

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Speaker 1: your good looks and you're you know, you're being swelt

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Speaker 1: and and your fashion and all that. Well, you know,

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Speaker 1: iris aphl just died at one o two, and I

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Speaker 1: got to tell you that woman had fashion all the

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Speaker 1: way to the end, and she was admired for things

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Speaker 1: that you normally in the past say, oh wow, you know, sexy, fashionable,

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Speaker 1: et cetera, all the way to one hundred and two.

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Speaker 1: So you can still have a style to you and

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Speaker 1: you can still stay in shape. I mean, you know,

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Speaker 1: Jane Fonda was doing aerobics, selling aerobics videos in her sixties,

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Speaker 1: so and she's now eighty five years old, So I

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Speaker 1: would say that, you know, life has a death sentence attached.

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Speaker 1: So far, you know, the tech bros and Silton Value

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Speaker 1: are trying to figure out how to solve that and

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Speaker 1: you know, defeat death. But right now we all you know,

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Speaker 1: we're all going to die someday. The question is what

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Speaker 1: do we do with the life we have? And and

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Speaker 1: I just a big believer in the idea that, you know,

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Speaker 1: learning how to become age fluid, so that we are

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Speaker 1: not you're not defined exclusively by your chronological age, your generation,

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Speaker 1: but you're all the ages you've ever been. And sometimes

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Speaker 1: you're a foolish fifteen year old, sometimes you're a sixty

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Speaker 1: five year old who has some wisdom, and you're everything

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Speaker 1: in between. And becoming age fluid allows you to not

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Speaker 1: constrain yourself based upon your age. And so you know

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Speaker 1: that's something I talk about in the book as well.

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Speaker 2: So okay, so what are some tips and or what

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Speaker 2: are some things that you say, all right, this is

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Speaker 2: embrace this in your mid life?

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Speaker 3: Yeah in your book.

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Speaker 1: Well let me, I'm going to go ahead. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to say all twelve.

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Speaker 3: Oh you're going to give us all of them.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you all twelve and then I'm going

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Speaker 1: to focus just.

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Speaker 2: Like leave one out so that way that you know,

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Speaker 2: the readers can have a I mean, the listeners can

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Speaker 2: have a little Okay, you know you're missing the twelfth one.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So then what I'm gonna do is, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to actually give you there's five categories. I'll

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Speaker 1: do one category. So the five categories or your physical life,

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Speaker 1: your emotional life, your mental life, your vocational life, and

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Speaker 1: your spiritual life. On the physical life, what gets better

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Speaker 1: with age. So I'm going to say, I'm relieved my

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Speaker 1: body no longer defines me. Now this is a hard

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Speaker 1: one for a lot of people because like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: my body does define me. But think of your body

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Speaker 1: like a rental vehicle that you were issued at birth,

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Speaker 1: and your job in life is to maintain this rental vehicle.

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Speaker 1: But the longer you've been on the road with the

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Speaker 1: mental vehicle, the more dings you have and the exterior,

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Speaker 1: the more paint chipping you have, the.

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Speaker 2: More tattoos you wish you didn't have stuff like that too.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, yeah, that bumper sticker. You can't take off

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Speaker 1: that back bumper. So no, but instead like, Okay, what's

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Speaker 1: more important as you get older and as you have

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Speaker 1: a car longer, is not like what does it look

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Speaker 1: like on the outside, is what does it feel like

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Speaker 1: on the inside. And so one of the key things,

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Speaker 1: you know, just as we got comfortable in our own skin,

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Speaker 1: it starts to sag. Learn how to have a sense

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Speaker 1: of humor about that. Learn also how to maintain the body.

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Speaker 1: I mean, one of the things I've learned in midlife

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Speaker 1: is that when I was younger, I would maintain my body.

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Speaker 1: I'd go to the gym and swim. I was a

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Speaker 1: good athlete, and I did it more for short term

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Speaker 1: vanity than for long term maintenance. And I think as

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Speaker 1: we get older we realize that the long term maintenance

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Speaker 1: piece of this is really important and the short term vanity.

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Speaker 1: You know, listen, if you want to be the hot

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Speaker 1: thing at fool side at age seventy five, do it.

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Speaker 1: But as I said before, that six pack is more

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Speaker 1: expensive as you get older. So the thing that's nice

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Speaker 1: and for a lot of women they feel this is

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Speaker 1: like to see that your body doesn't have to define you,

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Speaker 1: and that it's just one quality about you. You realize

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Speaker 1: that there are many playing fields in life. There's the

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Speaker 1: there's the playing field of the body, there's the playing

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Speaker 1: field of your heart, and there's the relational playing field

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Speaker 1: and this soul and spiritual playfield. So when you realize, like, okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting older, you know, playing on the playing field

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Speaker 1: of the body exclusively, since that's that's the only way

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Speaker 1: I see myself in the world and my only way

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Speaker 1: of self esteem is sort of silly. So that's one

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Speaker 1: one of the twelve reasons. Let's go to the emotional life.

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Speaker 1: I'm making friends with my emotions. It's one of the

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Speaker 1: three in this category. Emotional intelligence grows with age. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and it's this is irrefutable. Now you may have an

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Speaker 1: uncle who's seventy five and a pain in the ass

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Speaker 1: and and it doesn't have any EQ and no emotional intelligence.

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Speaker 1: That's true, but on average IQ doesn't grow with age,

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Speaker 1: but EQ does. And so learning how to have, you know,

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Speaker 1: a friendship relationship. I think of my emotions as my

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Speaker 1: best my best friends. And so when I when I

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Speaker 1: have my best friend that sort of pissed off, like

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Speaker 1: an angry best friend, you know, I was like, what's

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Speaker 1: going on with that best you know? How do I

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Speaker 1: how do I learn how to be less reactive with

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Speaker 1: my anger and just sort of like tap into like, okay, anger,

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Speaker 1: you've got a voice. You know what's the Pixar movie

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Speaker 1: Inside Out.

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Speaker 3: Oh, that's a good one about.

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Speaker 1: All those emotions. That's sort of true. All these emotions

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Speaker 1: exist in the eyes. And I wrote a book called

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Speaker 1: Emotional Equations that was sort of based upon that movie

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Speaker 1: in my own life. So learning how to become less

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Speaker 1: emotionally reactive is a beautiful thing because not only are

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Speaker 1: you more fun to be around with other people, but

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Speaker 1: you're less reactive with yourself. Right, So that's something that

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Speaker 1: gets better.

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Speaker 2: With age, and you know how to you can control

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Speaker 2: it better too, Like my stuff still comes out that

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Speaker 2: but I don't. I don't give it as much power

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Speaker 2: anymore that I used to give in my twenties and thirties.

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Speaker 1: There's a gain in Victor Frankel, who wrote a book

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Speaker 1: called Man Search for Meaning about his experience living as

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Speaker 1: a psychotherapist in a concentration camp in World War Two.

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Speaker 1: I mean terrible, terrible experience, and he came out of

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Speaker 1: it and wrote a book, Man Search for Meaning. And

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Speaker 1: if you there's a three sentences in the book that

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Speaker 1: I think define life. He said, between stimulus and a response,

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Speaker 1: there is a space. In that space is your power

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Speaker 1: to choose your response, and in your response lies your

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Speaker 1: growth and your freedom. So this is what he's saying,

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Speaker 1: is like, no matter what circumstances you're going through, you

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Speaker 1: have the ability to determine how you want to respond

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Speaker 1: or react, and how you choose to respond is what

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Speaker 1: gives you growth and freedom. So I think that I

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Speaker 1: love that quote because I think that's a quote that

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Speaker 1: speaks to emotional maturity, and so it's something that we

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Speaker 1: get better at as we get older.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree, all right.

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Speaker 1: Third, you were talking about the mental life. I like

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Speaker 1: all twelve of these. It's hard for me to pick

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Speaker 1: one in each category. But let's talk about wisdom. I'm

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Speaker 1: marveling at my wisdom now. I know people who are

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Speaker 1: seventy five years old who are not wise, and thirty

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Speaker 1: year olds who are. So wisdom is not necessarily always

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Speaker 1: correlated with age. But the best way for me to

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Speaker 1: describe how you become wise is you realize that your

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Speaker 1: painful life lessons are the raw material for your future wisdom.

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Speaker 1: Let me say again, your painful life lessons are the

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Speaker 1: raw material for your future wisdom. So the more lessons

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Speaker 1: you've had, and the longer you've been on the planet,

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Speaker 1: the more lessons you've had, probably the more rawial you have.

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Speaker 1: It's like it's like you're a chef and you're in

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Speaker 1: the kitchen and you got all these ingredients. As you

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Speaker 1: get older, you get better at cheffing. These are these

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Speaker 1: experiences of your life and knowing how to turn them

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Speaker 1: into you know, a beautiful buffet. And so as you

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Speaker 1: get older, if you learn how to metabolize your experiences,

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Speaker 1: make sense of them, and then in the future those

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Speaker 1: those that will help you. So let me talk about

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Speaker 1: an exercise or a wisdom practice I've been doing now

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Speaker 1: for thirty five years, since age twenty eight. At age

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Speaker 1: twenty eight, I had been running a boutique hotel company

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Speaker 1: for a couple of years that I ran for twenty

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Speaker 1: four years, became the second largest in the US, based

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Speaker 1: in San Francisco, Collegue you want to be, I wan

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Speaker 1: fifty two hotels around California. So, long story short is

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Speaker 1: I at age twenty eight, two years after starting the company,

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Speaker 1: I was clueless, and of course I was. I was

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Speaker 1: twenty eight years old running a you know, boutigotel company

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Speaker 1: at that point with just one hotel. So one day

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Speaker 1: I went home at the end of a week. It

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Speaker 1: was a Friday afternoon, and I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting just bullied by my job as the CEO.

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Speaker 1: And so I just took a journal off the wall,

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Speaker 1: off the bookshelf, and I wrote on the cover of

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Speaker 1: my wisdom book. And I started a practice where every

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Speaker 1: weekend I would make a list of what I'd learned

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Speaker 1: that week personally or professionally, and then I went ahead

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Speaker 1: and would just say, Okay, I learned this, and here's

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Speaker 1: how it's going to serve me in the future. So

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Speaker 1: in essence, what I was doing is I was turning

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Speaker 1: my painful life lessons into that raw material, metabolizing the

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Speaker 1: experience so that it would serve me in the future

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Speaker 1: as my future wisdom. So the process of becoming wise

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Speaker 1: is not something it's something you earn. It's something you

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Speaker 1: learn over time, right, and so wisdom is something that

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Speaker 1: gets better with age.

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Speaker 2: So it's almost like, because that's kind of how I

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Speaker 2: feel right now in this moment, I'm like, all right,

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Speaker 2: I love forty because as I've learned so much, and

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Speaker 2: I would take this wisdom now over what I have

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Speaker 2: when I was twenties and thirties, right, So I hope

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Speaker 2: I'm excited to know even more in ten years, in

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Speaker 2: twenty years. So I think that is the piece where

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Speaker 2: I look forward to.

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Speaker 1: One of the questions I like to ask people sometimes

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Speaker 1: if they feel like, oh, they're in their midlife, they're

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Speaker 1: fifty years old, and they feel like I'm stupid now

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Speaker 1: or something like that, like do you make better decisions

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Speaker 1: today at age fifty than you did at age twenty five?

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Speaker 1: And almost always they say yeah. Almost always they say yes.

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Speaker 1: And I said, guess what, you make better decisions because

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Speaker 1: you've built some wisdom along the way, and yes, you

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Speaker 1: made some mistakes, and yes, at age fifty you're disappointed.

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Speaker 1: One of the reasons that people in their late forties

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Speaker 1: often hit the bottom point of the U curve of

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Speaker 1: happiness and the bottom point of life satisfaction is because

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Speaker 1: often it's around mid forties that people's like, I had

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Speaker 1: all these expectations and then and they're not coming true.

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Speaker 1: I had these hopes and dreams, and and you know,

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Speaker 1: whether it's in our career or in our romantic life,

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Speaker 1: or you know, financially, et cetera. And and it just

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Speaker 1: hasn't happened my body. And so, you know, Brende Brown,

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Speaker 1: who's a friend of mine, said, Chip, Chip, you know

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Speaker 1: you understand there's a midlife unraveling that goes on. And

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Speaker 1: I said, Brene, midlife unraveling. What are you talking about.

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Speaker 1: That sounds terrible. Unraveling sounds like something that happens when

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Speaker 1: someone loses their mind. And she says, no, look at

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Speaker 1: the word ravel in the dictionary. And she said, to

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Speaker 1: something that's raveled or is a ravel is so tightly

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Speaker 1: wound you can't get it undone. So think of like

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Speaker 1: a you know, uh, spring, a yarn exactly. So to

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Speaker 1: unravel the midlife unraveling is learning how to unravel all

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Speaker 1: your expectations and all of your obligations. And part of

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Speaker 1: the way you do this is you edit. What we

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Speaker 1: at MAA at the Modern Aldy Academy call the Great

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Speaker 1: midlife Edit. We help people learn how to edit their lives.

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Speaker 1: And that is beautiful because what it does the first

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Speaker 1: half of our life is about accumulating, and the second

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Speaker 1: half of our life is about editing. And if we're

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Speaker 1: really discerning and good edit we get rid of the

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Speaker 1: stuff that's not serving us and we instead focus on

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Speaker 1: what is serving. In clean mindsets, it makes sense. Fourth category,

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Speaker 1: which I'll pick is the vocational life for the professional life.

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Speaker 1: I'm joyously stepping off the treadmill. So in midlife we

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Speaker 1: come face to face with the fact that our parents,

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Speaker 1: or our community, or our family broadly may have defined

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Speaker 1: success for us. And we got on that damn treadmill

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Speaker 1: in our twenties and we started running, or maybe in

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Speaker 1: our teens, and we started running based upon what bas

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Speaker 1: upon this sort of definition of successism, success ism being hey,

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Speaker 1: you know what defines success in society. And then there's

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Speaker 1: around midlife sometimes we sa like, you know what, that

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Speaker 1: doesn't matter to me. That's like my parents' definition of success,

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Speaker 1: not mine. And so there is the opportunity for people

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Speaker 1: in midlife to take stock and to look at their

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Speaker 1: life and say, like, I don't want to be a

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Speaker 1: litigator anymore. I want to be a pastry chef. We

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Speaker 1: had a sixty year old woman come to the MAA

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Speaker 1: in our Baja campus. We have a campus in Mexico

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Speaker 1: on the beach in Baja and then also in the

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Speaker 1: Santa Fe New Mexico on a regenerative horse rips twenty

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Speaker 1: six hundred acres beautiful. So long story short, as she

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Speaker 1: came to Baja and she said, I hate being a

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Speaker 1: litigation attorney. I feel like I have armor on all

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Speaker 1: the time. I don't want to do this anymore. I mean,

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Speaker 1: midlife and I feel like I don't know what to

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Speaker 1: do next. So one of the exercises we did with

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Speaker 1: her cohort was the question about purpose. How do you

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Speaker 1: find your purpose when we feel like you're not on

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Speaker 1: the right path. And usually your purpose comes from one

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Speaker 1: of four paths. Something that excites you, something that agitates you,

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Speaker 1: something that you're curious about, or something from earlier in

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Speaker 1: your life that you really loved and had a passion

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Speaker 1: for but you feel like you've sort of neglected it

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Speaker 1: or it just didn't have time for it anymore. In

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Speaker 1: her case, she had a dream one night while she

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Speaker 1: was at Maa at the Modern Old Academy, and she

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Speaker 1: had a dream that came up about around the idea

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Speaker 1: that she loved cooking pies with her grandmother and being

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Speaker 1: in her grandmother's kitchen. And she also then realized when

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Speaker 1: she got conscious in the morning, whenever she goes to

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Speaker 1: a new place, like on vacation, she always looks in

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Speaker 1: the map in her digital map for bakeries, and she

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Speaker 1: walks into bakeries, she smells it, and then she just

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Speaker 1: looks at what they've got, especially if it's in a

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Speaker 1: different part of the world from where she's normally living.

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Speaker 1: And so by the end of the week, she realized

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Speaker 1: she was going to get off the litigator treadmill and

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Speaker 1: instead she was going to become a pastry chef. And

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Speaker 1: she's now going to go out and create a bakery

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Speaker 1: in her neighborhood. So learning how to get off the

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Speaker 1: treadmill and learning how to do the thing that you

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Speaker 1: really want to do, this is the time in midlife

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Speaker 1: where you come face to face.

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Speaker 2: With that and it's almost like just letting go then too,

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Speaker 2: of the expectations that yeah, not only parents, but also

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Speaker 2: that you put on yourself too, Like what you expected

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Speaker 2: would happen, Okay, well it didn't. Now let's reroute in

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Speaker 2: a way and not get in a funk about it.

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Speaker 1: Right exactly exactly. And the good news is if you

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Speaker 1: found something in your twenties, thirties or forties that you

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Speaker 1: just love doing and you took a different path than

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Speaker 1: what was expected of you. Good for you. And you

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Speaker 1: may want to still stay on that treadmill. But there's

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Speaker 1: something about the treadmill but I don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about for a second. A treadmill is something you know,

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Speaker 1: you can speed it up, you can slow it down,

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Speaker 1: you know, but you're not moving anywhere. You're actually getting

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Speaker 1: to work out, which is great, But the landscape's not

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Speaker 1: changing time. Even if you're doing the thing you love doing.

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Speaker 1: You got to get off that damn treadmill, and you've

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Speaker 1: got to be able to see other things because the

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Speaker 1: landscape doesn't change than that little screen on the treadmill

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Speaker 1: that sort of shows you that you're running in the desert.

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Speaker 1: Now you're running there on the beach and like, but

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Speaker 1: that's just that's a screen that's not life. And so

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Speaker 1: getting off the treadmill is also important. And then the

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Speaker 1: last category of you know, these of twelve, there's five categories,

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Speaker 1: is the spiritual life. And you know, I've just what

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Speaker 1: I'm going to use is I've discovered my soul. And

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Speaker 1: there are people who are lucky enough in their you know,

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Speaker 1: teen years or their twenties or thirties or forties to

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Speaker 1: really feel like I'm I've got a connection to my soul.

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Speaker 1: It's something I understand, like who I am and why

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Speaker 1: I am here on earth, or maybe even if you're

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Speaker 1: bullieant in past lives, that I understand my past lives

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Speaker 1: that have led me to being here in this life.

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Speaker 1: But a lot of us don't have that experience. A

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Speaker 1: lot of us. Actually, the primary bring system that has

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Speaker 1: really defined us for the first half of our life

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Speaker 1: has been our ego. For all kinds of good reasons,

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Speaker 1: ego is the thing that individuates us. It's the one

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Speaker 1: thing that defines us and helps us to be who

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Speaker 1: we are. It's the thing that propels us forward. But

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Speaker 1: often in midlife it's like our ego has gotten the

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Speaker 1: best of us. It's like the ego's taken over. And

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Speaker 1: so there's a guy in Richard whar he's a Christianistic

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Speaker 1: who fame, has written lots of books, and he's an

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Speaker 1: maa alum and teacher. And what he said is like

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Speaker 1: the first half of your life, your primary opering system

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Speaker 1: that sort of defines you is your ego. And it's

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Speaker 1: around midlife, you know, forties, fifties, sixties, that something starts

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Speaker 1: to stir inside of you, and it may have been dormant,

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Speaker 1: and it's it's something that speaks to like your interest

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Speaker 1: in meaning and the meaning of life and something bigger

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Speaker 1: than yourself. And maybe it's something religious or spiritual that

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Speaker 1: has a curiosity there. And what he says is that

430
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,680
Speaker 1: you move from the primary opering system being the ego,

431
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,280
Speaker 1: to the primary operating system being the soul. But nobody

432
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,760
Speaker 1: gave you any operating instructions for this new thing you're

433
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,959
Speaker 1: you know, that's that's defining your life, the soul, and

434
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,920
Speaker 1: so you sort of have to make sense of it.

435
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 1: And I see, and sometimes it's it's external circumstances of people,

436
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 1: you know, the divorce that happens, that comes out of

437
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,200
Speaker 1: left field, getting you know, fired from your job, having

438
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:25,280
Speaker 1: a health diagnosis, having your parents pass away, struggling with

439
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,320
Speaker 1: being an empty nester, which you will be someday, Janna,

440
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:29,159
Speaker 1: you will be that.

441
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,600
Speaker 3: Don't like I don't.

442
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,840
Speaker 2: I mean, I just had a baby, so I'm an

443
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 2: old mama now. So it's going to be a while,

444
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:41,760
Speaker 2: yeah till that, But I hope and pray obviously, But yeah,

445
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:46,080
Speaker 2: so I mean, where do you where do you find

446
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,240
Speaker 2: yourself struggling the most in your midlife.

447
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,160
Speaker 1: So well, that's a great question.

448
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,199
Speaker 2: Because obviously, I mean, you've written, you're you know, you're

449
00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:00,600
Speaker 2: very successful. You've got a bunch of successful books, You've

450
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,679
Speaker 2: lived a successful life. You know, you're you're you're on

451
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,639
Speaker 2: here now talking about your new book. And it's like,

452
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,840
Speaker 2: I have to think that. You know, again, we're all human,

453
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,199
Speaker 2: we all have there's that one thing that's like that

454
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,399
Speaker 2: it's our tough point. So it's like, what do you

455
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:14,560
Speaker 2: think yours is?

456
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,960
Speaker 1: I think I have multiple, but I'll tell you one

457
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,679
Speaker 1: that's pretty that's really clear to me, and that is

458
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,199
Speaker 1: I can see the narrative of my life. As you

459
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,639
Speaker 1: get older, you're much better able to see the narrative

460
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,480
Speaker 1: of your life, the pattern recognition of like, oh I'm

461
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: doing that again, or like and one of my patterns

462
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,879
Speaker 1: is to be the hero. That's the archetype that defines me.

463
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,960
Speaker 1: And there's there's lots of archetypes out there. There's like

464
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 1: the hero, there's the caregiver, there's the explorer. You know,

465
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 1: there's the court jester. But I have a tendency to

466
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 1: fall into wanting to be the hero, and it gives

467
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:55,159
Speaker 1: me self esteem. And so one of the challenges I

468
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,479
Speaker 1: have in midlife is whether it's in my family life,

469
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 1: or it's in my friends, or it's in my career.

470
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,359
Speaker 1: I want to be the hero and I want to

471
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: come in and save the day. And you can say, like, well,

472
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,119
Speaker 1: that sounds great. You know, if you're good at this,

473
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,879
Speaker 1: like keep doing it. But the problem, there's problems with that.

474
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,120
Speaker 1: Number One is if you if this is the archetype

475
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 1: that defines you and you get self esteem from it,

476
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,959
Speaker 1: you will find situations where there's no hero needed, Like

477
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,320
Speaker 1: things are getting solved. Let the people who are in it,

478
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 1: they're like solving, they're being heroes. Why do you have

479
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,040
Speaker 1: to be the hero? Why DoD be the ego fed

480
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:37,200
Speaker 1: person who's like, oh, Chips save the day. So there's that. Secondly,

481
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,800
Speaker 1: it's tiring being a hero. And so for me, one

482
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,960
Speaker 1: of my challenges in my life is how do I

483
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,359
Speaker 1: put some boundaries up? And I've gotten better at this,

484
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: but I have a long way to go such that

485
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,240
Speaker 1: you know, I know I can see there's an opportunity

486
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,119
Speaker 1: for me to be a hero there, but how do

487
00:25:56,200 --> 00:26:00,159
Speaker 1: I help become a hero coach for other people to

488
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 1: become a hero, so I don't have to always be

489
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,639
Speaker 1: the hero. So I'm working on that, and in fact,

490
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:09,080
Speaker 1: you know, the program is really helping that. It's help

491
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,760
Speaker 1: It helps me teach people how to not be just

492
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 1: be heroes, but how to help, you know, solve their

493
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,480
Speaker 1: life problems and navigate your transitions.

494
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,400
Speaker 2: I so get that because I also think people need

495
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:28,520
Speaker 2: to learn their mistakes too, without the rescuing. Like there's

496
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,439
Speaker 2: a lot of people come to me now to be like, Okay,

497
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,040
Speaker 2: you know, what do I do now this? You know,

498
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 2: my husband cheated on me and you know, something comes up,

499
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 2: and so I've been there was one instance where I

500
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,679
Speaker 2: was helping someone close to me that you know, their

501
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,280
Speaker 2: husband cheated on them, because obviously I love helping. I

502
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,679
Speaker 2: want to help like that's but then it becomes this

503
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:51,760
Speaker 2: thing where when they go back or we see them,

504
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,679
Speaker 2: I'm like, now it's like it's now affecting. I'm like,

505
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 2: you know, probably what's going to happen again because you've

506
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,640
Speaker 2: been in that situation where the person and we'll most

507
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,680
Speaker 2: likely cheat again. But I don't want to say that,

508
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,440
Speaker 2: so it's just I'm like I've kind of I'm like,

509
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,359
Speaker 2: all right, people have to learn the lessons there. I

510
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,639
Speaker 2: learned my lessons and people told me kind of not

511
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,280
Speaker 2: what to do, but when I tried to be the

512
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 2: hero and to help into whatever. So now I'm like,

513
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 2: I've kind of stepped back and be like here's my advice,

514
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 2: and you know, but I can't. I can't put the

515
00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:21,399
Speaker 2: cake on try to rescue this situation or try. Like

516
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:25,959
Speaker 2: I'm like, it's because then it becomes too heavy and

517
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 2: on my side too, because it brings up old things

518
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 2: as well.

519
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: So yeah, you get you know, you got to teach

520
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 1: someone to fish. You can't just bring them to the fish. Right.

521
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: What do you love about the show?

522
00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:49,439
Speaker 2: Like?

523
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:54,399
Speaker 1: And how has it for you made you wiser about

524
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: yourself and about wind up? Yeah?

525
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 2: Well I love first, I love growing right, So something

526
00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:03,720
Speaker 2: that you said to is the mistakes, right, Like, there's

527
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,960
Speaker 2: I I love to not that I don't regret anything

528
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,920
Speaker 2: in my life. There's things that I've gone through that

529
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,719
Speaker 2: I to this day am so grateful for. They were

530
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:19,520
Speaker 2: very hard memories, but I've how I deal with them

531
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 2: now or something comes up, or if I get retriggered

532
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,040
Speaker 2: for something or something from childhood, like the way that

533
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,520
Speaker 2: I respond now is so different, and I owe that

534
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,320
Speaker 2: to a lot of the people that I've you know,

535
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:32,120
Speaker 2: obviously worked with privately in therapy sessions, but also every day,

536
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,400
Speaker 2: like I'm challenged to be a.

537
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 3: Better version of myself.

538
00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:36,439
Speaker 2: And so when I walked in today, you know, to

539
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,760
Speaker 2: have this interview with you, I'm like, all right, where

540
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 2: where can I kind of look in the mirror and

541
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 2: go all right, this is where I'm struggling with my midlife, right,

542
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 2: so I'm afraid of you know, dying or I'm afraid

543
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,000
Speaker 2: of you know, getting older, And here's why. And so

544
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 2: it's it's an opportunity for me to keep growing and

545
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 2: to keep learning and too because now I walk out

546
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 2: of this going, oh, I'm I feel more positive.

547
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:55,240
Speaker 3: I feel lighter about it.

548
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:58,800
Speaker 2: I feel more excited to tackle things and not put

549
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 2: expectations on what I thought would be where I'm at now.

550
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 2: And so it's just like for me, like I love

551
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 2: this show because I get to talk to people like you,

552
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,160
Speaker 2: and I get to continue to grow and learn and

553
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,000
Speaker 2: embed you know, all the other knowledge that you've received

554
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 2: from other people like Brene and all your other you know,

555
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 2: close friends.

556
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,440
Speaker 1: You know. Let's do a little exercise here that any

557
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: of us can do but I'm going to do it

558
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 1: with you. You're forty years old. Now, how long do you

559
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,280
Speaker 1: think you're going to live? Like if you've had to guess,

560
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: I mean based upon you know, longevity trends, based on

561
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:34,320
Speaker 1: your family, based upon your own personal health habits. Actually

562
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 1: you know.

563
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:37,440
Speaker 2: What, So this chip, I've had this thing where I

564
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 2: always said I was going to die young and I

565
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,760
Speaker 2: don't know why, and I honestly didn't.

566
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 3: Think i'd make it to forty.

567
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 2: I don't know what I think it was like, I.

568
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,480
Speaker 3: I just I don't know. I don't know.

569
00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:52,480
Speaker 2: I don't know why I always had that. So now

570
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,360
Speaker 2: I go the first first number that popped in my mind?

571
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:57,600
Speaker 1: Did you have a sense of urgency? Like okay, like

572
00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: if you're going to die young, there do it all? Now?

573
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 2: Maybe I don't know, but now I'm like, I made

574
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 2: it past the number that I thought I was going

575
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:08,280
Speaker 2: to not make a past. So now I the first

576
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:09,800
Speaker 2: number that popped in my mind was eighty.

577
00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 3: That's just where which.

578
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 1: Would be young you would if you if you passed

579
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:17,280
Speaker 1: away at eighty, that would be younger than what's average

580
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 1: for a Caucasian woman in the United States.

581
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 3: I mean, my grandma's ninety five. She's turning ninety five, Okay, okay.

582
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 2: And she's like healthy as a but she also came

583
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 2: on like then, you know she she Back in the day,

584
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:36,080
Speaker 2: they weren't eaten process, you know, and had stuff sprayed

585
00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 2: all over there.

586
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: That's true, but they also weren't as aware of things

587
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 1: that were healthy. You know, you probably drank more, they.

588
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,000
Speaker 3: Probably eat it exactly. Okay, all right, all.

589
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,040
Speaker 1: Right, all right, So here's here's the math. I'm gonna say.

590
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,920
Speaker 1: Let's say you're gonna little ninety. Let's let's let's say

591
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 1: that as just a thought, okay, or we can even

592
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: do eighty. But I'm gonna do ninety because if you

593
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 1: got grandma's ninety five, that's actually good.

594
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 2: I've got a grandma that's seventy five, and I got

595
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:03,280
Speaker 2: another grandma that's turning ninety.

596
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:09,480
Speaker 1: Okay, there we go, So ninety. So what percentage of

597
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 1: your adult life starting counting at age eighteen do you

598
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,000
Speaker 1: think you have ahead of you if you live till

599
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:17,600
Speaker 1: ninety I'm.

600
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,959
Speaker 2: Going to do the mast say that again, I'm confused,

601
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 2: say that. I'm okay, So well, I'll talk real slow

602
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 2: with math of me.

603
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:28,680
Speaker 1: Here Okay, that's fine. What percentage, what percentage of your

604
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,480
Speaker 1: adult life do you still have ahead of you? Oh,

605
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:36,360
Speaker 1: I mean because you from your forty forty adult adult

606
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 1: it started at eighteen, so you have twenty two years

607
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:43,320
Speaker 1: behind you, and so if you live till ninety, they

608
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: have fifty years ahead of you. I mean, I'll do

609
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 1: the math for you.

610
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 3: Thank you.

611
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,560
Speaker 1: Seventy percent of your adult life is still ahead of you.

612
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:56,960
Speaker 1: Oh so that so for the person who's thinking like, oh,

613
00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 1: I have forty like I'm in client, I'm dying, I'm like,

614
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 1: oh my god, there's not much time left. I'm going

615
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,840
Speaker 1: out to pasture. No. Not really. The average age of

616
00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 1: the person who comes to MAA is fifty four, and

617
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,280
Speaker 1: the average they think they're gonna live till is ninety,

618
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 1: and fifty four is exactly halfway between eighteen and ninety.

619
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 1: And when you tell a fifty four year old you

620
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 1: still have you still have as much adulthood ahead of

621
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,080
Speaker 1: you as you do from now un till age eighteen,

622
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: they're like, really, so we don't have very good longevity literacy.

623
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 2: Yeah no, that just totally changed everything for me my brain.

624
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 2: Thank you, Jeff, you just gave me years of my

625
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 2: life back.

626
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 1: Well, and here's and then let me give you another

627
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,840
Speaker 1: thing because this is in the book, but it's also

628
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,959
Speaker 1: something we do it at, you know, in our workshops.

629
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: What is it you know now or have done now

630
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,920
Speaker 1: that you wish you'd known or done ten years ago? Jenna?

631
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: What is it you know now or have done now

632
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 1: that you wish you'd learned or done ten years ago?

633
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 2: Okay, So that one's a hard one for me because

634
00:32:58,120 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 2: if I would have done it, I wouldn't have had

635
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:00,960
Speaker 2: my two beautiful kids.

636
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 1: Okay, you had twins.

637
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 3: No, I had.

638
00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 2: I have an eight and a five year old with

639
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:07,880
Speaker 2: my ex husband, and I've got one with my new fiance,

640
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 2: So okay, got it. Looking back, obviously I would have

641
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 2: not have gone through seven years of just a really hard,

642
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:21,040
Speaker 2: you know, abusive relationship with you know, affairs and all

643
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 2: of it. So having said that, I have two beautiful children, right,

644
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 2: So if I would have been stronger and had known

645
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,200
Speaker 2: my worth more, I would have gotten out of that

646
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 2: a lot sooner. Now that I wouldn't. I wouldn't have

647
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 2: continued the relationship. But how could I say that when

648
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 2: I have two beautiful kids?

649
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:37,280
Speaker 1: Yeah? No, I mean, listen, but you might have you

650
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: might have left after the first kid. Who knows I mean?

651
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,720
Speaker 1: Or you know? So now I'm going to ask you

652
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: do the following. This is this is this is the

653
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:47,800
Speaker 1: more important part of the question. Ten years from now,

654
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 1: when you're fifty, what will you regret if you don't

655
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 1: learn it or do it now?

656
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 3: That's a good question.

657
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 2: What would I regret if I don't learn it or

658
00:33:58,840 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 2: do it now?

659
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:01,440
Speaker 1: While you thinking about it, let me tell you my story,

660
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:06,360
Speaker 1: if that's okay. So when I was fifty seven I'm

661
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 1: fifty six actually, but fifty seven mostly. I moved from

662
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:14,480
Speaker 1: San Francisco to Baja to Mexico and to live on

663
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: a beach. And I was writing a book about my

664
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 1: experience of helping to run Airbnb with the founders, and

665
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:23,759
Speaker 1: they called me the modern elder. That's why it's called

666
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: the Modern Alder Academy. They said, Chip, you're twice the

667
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 1: age of the average person here, and we love you

668
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,120
Speaker 1: because you're a modern elder who's as curious as they

669
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 1: are wise. It's like, okay, So I went down to

670
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,600
Speaker 1: Baja to live on the beach, and I was fifty

671
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:41,520
Speaker 1: seven when I started thinking about this, and I said, like, wow,

672
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 1: ten years from now, what will I regret if I

673
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 1: don't learn it? Or do it now? And in Baja,

674
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:49,000
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, well I regret if I didn't

675
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:52,560
Speaker 1: learn Spanish. But I had a mindset as like I'm

676
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:55,760
Speaker 1: too old to learn a foreign language. But the fact

677
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,239
Speaker 1: that I imagine the regret ten years from now and thinking

678
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,359
Speaker 1: like oh, at sixty seven will be harder than att seven,

679
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 1: that anticipated regret is a form of wisdom, and it

680
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,200
Speaker 1: like catalyzed me. It gave me the incentive like I'm

681
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:10,719
Speaker 1: going to learn this now. Similarly, I started learning how

682
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 1: to surf at age fifty seven, and I started learning

683
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,799
Speaker 1: how to surf because at sixty seven it was going

684
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,160
Speaker 1: to be harder to learn to serf than at fifty seven.

685
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 1: So I learned to surf because of right near a

686
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,040
Speaker 1: there's a surf break just down the beach from me.

687
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,759
Speaker 1: So as we know longevity to literacy and we know

688
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:33,200
Speaker 1: we're going to live longer, the thing that we have

689
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:35,959
Speaker 1: to get clear on is that we need to become

690
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:39,160
Speaker 1: a beginner over and over again. We need to be

691
00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:43,080
Speaker 1: open to learning something new. We need to be you know,

692
00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:45,279
Speaker 1: not focused. The problem for some people as they go

693
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:47,839
Speaker 1: into midlife, is they only want to play the games

694
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:50,360
Speaker 1: that they can win or that they do well, and

695
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 1: their sandboxes get smaller and smaller, and so instead, what

696
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:56,719
Speaker 1: we really need to do is be open to like say,

697
00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:58,200
Speaker 1: I'm going to be a beginner again. I'm going to

698
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:01,719
Speaker 1: try something new again and have with it, because if

699
00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:05,440
Speaker 1: we're going to live a long life, it's really important

700
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: that we don't just start to calcify and just like

701
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 1: our life gets smaller and smaller. So having said all

702
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:15,200
Speaker 1: of that, to have any thoughts about what you would.

703
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, now it just opened up my because

704
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,000
Speaker 2: at first I had one that was a little bit

705
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:23,360
Speaker 2: more open where it was just like I need to

706
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 2: give myself more time because I give time to my kids,

707
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 2: to my fiance. It's like I don't do the things

708
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 2: I really want to do because at the end of

709
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,439
Speaker 2: the night, I'm exhausted. The time has run out, Right,

710
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,799
Speaker 2: So the only time that I really give myself is

711
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:40,399
Speaker 2: forty five minutes to at least work out, Like that's

712
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:43,440
Speaker 2: my thing, that's my that's my time that I've put

713
00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 2: into a schedule. But to think about it more like sure,

714
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 2: like you know me and my fans I've been talking

715
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,640
Speaker 2: about learning Spanish. I'd love Spanish. But for me, I'm

716
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,759
Speaker 2: like thinking about myself and what would I want to do.

717
00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:00,840
Speaker 2: I've always wanted to learn how to play the pans know, always,

718
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 2: and it's just something that I'm like, well, I don't

719
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:06,680
Speaker 2: have time or you know again, yeah, I'm forty years old,

720
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 2: but think about when I'm fifty. If I started now,

721
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,600
Speaker 2: how good I could be playing then.

722
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:13,719
Speaker 3: So that's kind of cool.

723
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:18,000
Speaker 1: That's cool. And there's certain things where like, you know,

724
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 1: it's gonna be harder to do it, and learning language,

725
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 1: surfing piano may be harder over time, maybe not be,

726
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 1: but you know, for me, the one that I have today,

727
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:32,720
Speaker 1: I'm sixty three and I have I have two sons

728
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:36,840
Speaker 1: who are twelve and seven, twelve and nine, Eli and Ethan,

729
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:39,759
Speaker 1: and I had I had them. I'm a gay man,

730
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:41,920
Speaker 1: and I had them with a lesbian couple of her

731
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:45,520
Speaker 1: friends and they asked me. Originally it was gonna be like, Okay,

732
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 1: I'm going to be the sperm donner, and okay, that's

733
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:51,800
Speaker 1: my thing, but because because they had two boys, they're like,

734
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:53,480
Speaker 1: oh no, we really want you to be in their

735
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,680
Speaker 1: lives and so you know, The thing I would regret

736
00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:59,760
Speaker 1: at seventy three if I didn't do it at sixty

737
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:04,359
Speaker 1: three is to invest more time into my son's lives.

738
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:09,080
Speaker 1: And it's really easy for me to not do that

739
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:10,719
Speaker 1: because I have a full life and I've got all

740
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:14,760
Speaker 1: this stuff going on. And but man, twelve and nine,

741
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:15,920
Speaker 1: you know, this is the.

742
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 3: One informative years too, This is.

743
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,239
Speaker 1: The these are the years. Yeah, and I don't I

744
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:23,000
Speaker 1: don't live in the same city as them. So the

745
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:24,399
Speaker 1: fact that I don't live in the same city means

746
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,719
Speaker 1: I have to make an effort, and it means that

747
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,840
Speaker 1: we have to do vacations together and et cetera, et cetera.

748
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 1: And it's just but it's but it's lovely. I was

749
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:34,640
Speaker 1: just with them, you know, for the weekend, and I

750
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:39,759
Speaker 1: just it was so great. And So if there's a

751
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,680
Speaker 1: if there's a point on all this is midlife or

752
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 1: starting to get toward midlife, is when you start to

753
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 1: value your time more and you start to realize, yes,

754
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:54,440
Speaker 1: the thing that you're fearful about, Jenna about, okay, out

755
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 1: there in the future, I'm going to die someday or

756
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,160
Speaker 1: I'm going to get old, and I'm going to get

757
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: decrepit and or I'm not going to look good. I

758
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 1: mean the invisible. For women, the biggest fear is invisibility

759
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:09,520
Speaker 1: for minutes, irrelevance. You know, that is an opportunity to

760
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:13,320
Speaker 1: actually say, Okay, what can I do? You know, time

761
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:16,399
Speaker 1: is precious, what are the things I can do? And

762
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,359
Speaker 1: so long story short is I mean, I just love

763
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:22,040
Speaker 1: this because it helps people at a time in their

764
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 1: life where they might have normally put on blinders and

765
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:28,520
Speaker 1: been bored to actually say no, I am, I am

766
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:31,399
Speaker 1: gonna fully do something new.

767
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:33,839
Speaker 3: I love it. Well, Chip, thank you so much.

768
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:37,319
Speaker 2: You've been so enlightening so I so appreciate it, and

769
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:40,359
Speaker 2: everyone please go grab his book Learning to Love mid

770
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 2: Life Twelve reasons why life gets better with age.

771
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:44,200
Speaker 3: Chip, thank you so much.

772
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:45,480
Speaker 1: Great to be with you.

773
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 2: Thank You're a sweetheart. Appreciate you here too. Goodbye,