WEBVTT - Single Motherhood 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:06.480 It was good, was popping as you you old a 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:10.480 girl a Mada and you're listening to exactly a Mada, 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:14.480 a production of My Heart Radio. Super happy, super excited. 0:00:15.040 --> 0:00:21.080 The year is almost over. There's so many things happening. Um, 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:25.040 God has blessed me with ending the year being a 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:27.880 mommy of two. I know that. I keep telling you 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:29.800 on and y'all must be so tired and over like, 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:31.960 oh my god. Every show she's talking about her pregnancy. 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:34.080 But OK, yeah, what do you I wanna do? My 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:36.080 pregnancy is only gonna last a couple of months and 0:00:36.120 --> 0:00:38.240 after that, God knows what I'm gonna be pregnant again. 0:00:38.520 --> 0:00:40.599 And it's a blessing. Like my body is creating my 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:43.360 own people. I am creating my own little warriors. I 0:00:43.360 --> 0:00:45.440 am creating my own you know what I'm saying, my 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:49.680 own entourage. So I am very excited, but at the 0:00:49.760 --> 0:00:54.840 same time, as excited as I am, I won't say 0:00:54.880 --> 0:01:00.000 that I'm excited, but you know I am. I am 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.440 currently a single mother, and I guess that I am 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:05.039 a single mother by choice, not and I want to 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:06.640 clarify that too, because a lot of people, you know, 0:01:06.640 --> 0:01:09.920 they'll be talking shit, oh oh, they got her pregnant, 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:13.520 they dumped her here and want her It's that's not 0:01:13.640 --> 0:01:17.880 even close to what it is. I just chose that 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.240 for my baby's sake and for myself in order to 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:24.360 have a happy home and a peaceful home where there 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:27.360 weren't any you know, arguments and fighting, and I just 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:30.520 didn't want to create that, um you know, that trauma. 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:32.440 I thought that it was best for me to be 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:35.160 a single mother. It's not that the father doesn't want 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:37.200 to be involved. The father wants to be a thousand 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:42.520 percent involved. I just don't think that is the best 0:01:42.640 --> 0:01:47.280 move for my children's health, their mental state. Yeah, well, 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:49.400 a lot of parents know where I'm coming from, a 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:51.800 lot of kids know where I'm coming from. Because maybe 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:53.840 you were raised by a single mother. Maybe you were 0:01:53.880 --> 0:01:56.120 raised in a home where there was domestic abuse. Maybe 0:01:56.120 --> 0:01:57.440 you were raising a home where there was a lot 0:01:57.440 --> 0:02:00.000 of fighting and arguing. Maybe you were raising a home 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:03.240 where your parents stayed together just for the children, and 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:05.480 you were like, I would have rather y'all, you know, 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:08.240 split up, and we would have been much happier. Maybe, 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:10.320 you know, I don't know what type of household you 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:13.160 were raised in, But today I want to talk about 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:15.760 single mothers because I was raised by a single mother, 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:19.639 and now more than ever, I understand the struggles and 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:23.040 I am so grateful and I honor my mother more 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.600 than ever for understanding now as an adult, all the 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:30.760 sacrifices and other hard things that, um, that our parents 0:02:30.760 --> 0:02:32.880 have to go through in orders to raise us and 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:34.840 give us, you know, the best future in life that 0:02:34.840 --> 0:02:37.120 they can provide for us. I was raised as a 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:39.799 single daughter, but there's a lot of mothers out there 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:42.320 that raised more than one child, and it's a lot. 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:47.360 But someone who was part of of of my life 0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:49.760 growing up and she's still part of my life. But oh, 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:51.600 I you know, I kind of saw her as a 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:54.519 mother figure growing up as well, because my mom was 0:02:54.560 --> 0:02:58.880 always working. It's my godmother. My godmother is such an 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:02.840 amazing woman. She is an entrepreneur, she's a businesswoman. She 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:07.560 also was a single mother, not uh not in the 0:03:07.600 --> 0:03:10.480 beginning of the of her of her having her baby, 0:03:10.560 --> 0:03:13.320 you know, because the father left eventually. But I almost 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:16.840 feel like sometimes just because the father is present doesn't 0:03:16.880 --> 0:03:22.079 mean that they are necessarily present all the way. So, um, 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:28.280 my godmother. She is also an amazing publicist. Um, she's 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:30.680 she works here in Miami with a lot of celebrities, 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:32.760 with a lot of artists. I never understood how she 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:35.240 was able to be such an amazing mom, take her 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:38.960 daughter to dance classes, take her daughter to events, activities. 0:03:38.960 --> 0:03:41.040 She was like the cool mom and at the same 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:43.960 time to be a businesswoman and handed her business. And 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:46.040 that's why today I want to bring in my godmother, 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:51.000 media and a gul She is here with us. Hi, Mariam, Hello, 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:54.720 how are you? I'm doing good? Thank you for those 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:57.960 lovely words. Of course, of course you know that now 0:03:58.000 --> 0:04:02.520 that I'm going through this transition. Um, you know, I 0:04:02.680 --> 0:04:03.800 feel like I don't want to say that I was 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:06.960 judgmental towards my mom or maybe judgmental towards you, because 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:09.040 I know that, you know, a lot of kids can 0:04:09.080 --> 0:04:12.040 sometimes hold those grudges that our parents didn't stay with 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:15.160 our fathers, that our parents, you know, we feel like 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:17.440 they didn't make the should have sacrificed more for us 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:19.520 so that we could have had our moms and dad together. 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:21.760 But I want to know, how did you do it 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:24.200 as a single mother. How was it for you to 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:27.720 take that decision of I am going to now take 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:31.200 this responsibility for myself a pent and I will be 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:35.839 the mother and father for my children. It's hard, you know, 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:41.440 being um Lapino. Our our culture is very much uh 0:04:41.560 --> 0:04:45.919 like older generation. They were very submissive and they have 0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:50.560 these marriages that lasted forever. I think from my generation 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:55.440 going you know lower um we our visions have changed 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.160 the way we think. I feel that if I can 0:04:58.200 --> 0:04:59.520 go back and do a lot of things, I would 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:04.160 do it different. I stayed in my marriage longer than 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:08.280 I wanted because every time I spoke about divorce, even 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:11.920 though he knew and he didn't want it, my parents 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:16.960 influenced more of making me stay together. Meanwhile, my parents 0:05:17.200 --> 0:05:20.880 were divorced, but they were very proactive in my life. 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:24.240 So yes, it's hard. And then when I finally made 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:28.560 that decision, I saw the effect that I had on 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:31.320 my daughter, your god sister, and I wish I would 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:33.440 have done things different to it, from scratch to it, 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:36.720 from inception, Like what give guide me through this process? 0:05:36.760 --> 0:05:41.159 Because I found out I was pregnant and I was 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:44.520 separated in the house, and the agreement was that I 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:47.640 gave him thirty days, so he was like two weeks 0:05:47.640 --> 0:05:51.279 in and I have there's a I don't even know 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.400 what the precise name is, but there's a condition where 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:55.760 women can be pregnant and they don't even it doesn't 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:57.280 come up on their blood work or their year. And 0:05:57.360 --> 0:05:59.520 until later on, I had that. So I was like 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:03.559 four months breaten it when I found out and didn't 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:05.920 have a symptom at all. But as soon as I knew, 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:12.160 I had every symptom imaginable. Okay, so I was separated. 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:14.360 I kept it quiet. I told my grandmother, not even 0:06:14.360 --> 0:06:17.800 my mother. My grandmother supported my idea. And by the way, 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:22.599 your family, your family is Cuban. Just just verybody to know. 0:06:23.320 --> 0:06:27.320 My family's Cuban and it's very strict and and very 0:06:27.320 --> 0:06:31.560 strict upbringing. But my grandmother was very proactive or very 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:34.640 open about abortions because when she was in Cuba the 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:39.200 financial situation, she went through abortions. So she told me. 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:41.480 I was like, I think I wanted abortion, But it 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:43.880 wasn't that I wanted abortion because I didn't want my child. 0:06:44.440 --> 0:06:47.120 I just knew I didn't want to be with him 0:06:47.200 --> 0:06:50.960 because I knew that it was a toxic relationship relationship, 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:54.239 and I was thinking about the mental state of myself 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:56.160 and my child, and I was like, I don't want 0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:58.880 to bring my child up in that in that environment. 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:02.760 So I applaud Drew for making that choice. It's hard, 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:07.279 it's not easy, but you have to stand on your ground. 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:10.480 You are mommy and daddy as it is, even though 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:12.040 that your mother has always been there for you. It's 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:14.520 like the roles have reversed, like now you're in charge. 0:07:15.160 --> 0:07:17.200 But do you feel this certain well, I mean you 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:19.440 can know it, but you think that that's almost like creating, 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:25.080 like a you know, repeating the cycle. No, your situation 0:07:25.200 --> 0:07:29.240 was different than my situation. Meaning when your parents split, 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:33.960 I lived it. Remember your first five years we're all mine. 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:38.760 You were literally my firstborn child. Okay, Um, when your 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:43.760 parents split, um it wasn't surprising, but I didn't see 0:07:43.760 --> 0:07:48.360 it coming when how everything played out. But your mother 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:53.480 in that relationship was always the strong one, the go 0:07:53.640 --> 0:07:57.400 get her, the she was the hustler. She and and 0:07:57.400 --> 0:07:59.560 and and you know, not not taking anything from you that, 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:03.600 but you know your dad's Yeah, his demeanor is different, 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:06.840 his personalities very That's why that's why I almost feel 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:09.280 like I don't want to judge the women that surround me, 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:12.840 because sometimes unconsciously, these can be patterns that we follow 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:15.080 when we see the people like, you know, the strong 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:19.920 women around us. Unconsciously, I wonder, am I somewhat repeating 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.600 the cycle the pattern of you know, now becoming a 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:26.680 single mother, because it's not like I can't not not 0:08:26.760 --> 0:08:29.000 be with the father of my child. But then now 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:31.560 here goes other questions like how do you even decide 0:08:31.560 --> 0:08:35.400 to co parent? How? How did you make that decision easily? Easily? 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.760 You have to set what okay, you know this person, 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:45.720 you know, you're the father of your children, and how 0:08:45.720 --> 0:08:47.959 do you want to refer to You know what's good 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:51.800 and what isn't? You know what's healthy and what what isn't. 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:54.560 Your your situation is totally different because you have to 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:59.560 be like, I'm about to have not one too based 0:08:59.600 --> 0:09:04.600 on what you've gone through? Do I want this, Like 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:07.400 just for the for the sake of saying I'm with 0:09:07.480 --> 0:09:10.200 the father of my children, do I want that in 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:14.480 you know, that hostility, that environment. Do you ever regret 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:19.560 not um not necessarily forcing, but having him be more 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:22.800 involved in your child's life? Like for example, for two seconds, 0:09:22.880 --> 0:09:26.280 I to wonder, you know, am I making the wrong decisions? 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:29.560 Should I? You know? Even though that I know this person, 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:32.880 and I know the pros and cons. Should I allow 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:35.680 this person to be involved in this child's life or 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:38.400 should I do it for my child's mental health and 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:41.920 safety and everything else to protect them? And and be like, 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:44.640 this is not the best environment for you, How is 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:48.680 it for you? You You know what's good you You're you're 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:54.640 developing what all mothers developed, that six intuition. You know 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:59.800 what you've lived and do you want that? So at 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:03.080 the to the day, you're gonna show them a positive upbringing. 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:06.480 You're gonna be positive. They're gonna see someone who is 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:11.360 there for them, someone who who you have your nuclear family. 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:14.640 It's your mom, it's you and and whether you know 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:18.800 to whatever extent even your father is part of your life. 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:23.760 Now okay, um, well we know you know what any 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:26.120 let me let me let me give compaeti credit. Thank 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:30.160 god he doesn't know English because your well that's different 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:31.720 because my father is here, because you don't really get 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:34.840 too much of an option. But at the same I 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:36.840 know he's not hands on, but I'm just in the 0:10:36.880 --> 0:10:39.920 sense that maybe this is also a way for him 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.679 to make up, because that's what I hear grandparents do. 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:45.400 They make up for what they didn't do with their children. 0:10:45.679 --> 0:10:49.440 So yes, he was not there for you, but he 0:10:49.520 --> 0:10:52.480 could be there for those girls and make up and 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:55.760 be a different person then he was with you. We 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:57.680 could pray. Even if it's back and forth. We know, 0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:02.080 we know him. Let me just give him sec He's special. 0:11:02.760 --> 0:11:08.080 Um with your godfather, you you lived it. Yeah, you 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:10.880 lived it. Your god sister lived it. There's no you 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:13.400 know that he was a tiring yeah, but whatever. But 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:15.160 then when I see But then, when I saw you 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:18.599 growing up, I saw such a strong woman who was independent, 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:21.520 who was always working on the go, who was the 0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:24.000 best mother I can think of. You gave your daughter 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:27.440 the best of everything. I would see. You would prevent 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:29.920 yourself from getting things for yourself to provide for her. 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:34.160 So then I wonder, how does she make time for her, 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:38.440 the woman, her, the person, Miriam, the woman. Because you're 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:40.599 so busy being a mom and a father at the 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:42.440 same time, how do you make time for you and 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:45.839 not lose yourself in the process. You know what? At 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:48.720 times I felt that that I didn't give myself the 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:54.760 TLC that I deserved, so my might disconnect from everything. 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:57.640 Was going to get my hands, my feet, my hair, 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:00.480 my massage. I had my my member ship at the 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:02.680 at the spot I mean, I'm sorry, at the bilit 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:05.760 More Spa. And I used to go there to disconnect 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:09.320 and do myself. Mind you, at times, your god sister 0:12:09.440 --> 0:12:11.280 was there with me, so it wasn't I couldn't even 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:14.320 enjoy the time because I was always very vigilant of 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:18.679 her being a minor. However, if I could do certain 0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:22.240 things differently, what what I have done, I would have 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:25.440 stuck to my guns and I would have separated from 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:34.880 him while I was pregnant. I was about to ask 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:37.240 you that when you are a single mother, when you 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:40.079 are because right now we're talking about single mothers. Eventually, 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:42.880 I would love to talk to a single father because 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:44.600 I think that there's a lot of men out there. 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:47.480 There are great fathers, There's there's a lot of men 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:50.600 out there that decide to make that their responsibility, whether 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:53.600 it's because the mother is unable to well for whatever 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:56.520 extray reason, they decide to you know, I'm gonna I'm 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.400 gonna be that father figure, mother figure. And for the 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:02.000 most part, we see more single mothers and fathers. Right, 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:06.040 But how how was it for you? Like, what was 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:08.240 your circle your support system? Because I know that not 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:11.200 all single mothers have a support system. A lot of 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:13.480 them immigrate, you know, to this country by themselves and 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:14.880 have to figure it out on their own. At least 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:18.160 you had your mother who was your support system. Yes, 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:21.840 my support system was my mother, My main My main 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.960 support system was my mom and my sister. But my 0:13:24.960 --> 0:13:28.240 mother was everything. Is everything, like, come on, you know 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:32.400 your godsister calls my mom mom. I feel like my 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:34.160 girls are going to be the same, the same with 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:39.800 with my mom. I think so too. I think that 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:43.720 now that you're having my babies, I will be able 0:13:43.760 --> 0:13:47.280 to enjoy them like I. I know that I used 0:13:47.320 --> 0:13:48.760 to take you guys when I had you wherever it 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:51.800 needed to be, but I don't think I fully was able. 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:54.720 I had so much going on up here that you 0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:58.400 weren't present right like I was. I know that I 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:00.560 was there and I took you, But at the same time, 0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:03.280 you know very well, you guys used to be jumping 0:14:03.320 --> 0:14:05.439 around doing whatever, and I used to be trying to 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:07.600 multitask and be on a business call at the same 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:10.719 time because I was trying to build for me. Let 0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:12.960 me ask you this to how do you feel that 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:16.280 the fact that the father wasn't as involved in your 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:20.440 daughter's life. Um, how do you think that affected her? 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:22.320 Because I know that there's a for example, I know 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.760 that my father not being in my life affected me 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:27.920 a lot. I didn't even realize it twill years later. 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:30.400 I didn't want to admit to it. Um. We always 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:33.680 find excuses, We find other reasons instead of hitting the core. 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:36.600 You date these type of people because you were missing 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:40.040 and you're lacking on this. You accept certain behaviors from 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:43.880 certain men because you want It took me many years 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:47.480 to understand that not having the presence of a male figure, 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:50.280 of a father figure in my life affected the way 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:52.680 that I date, the way that I see men, the 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:54.840 things that I accept, the things that I you know, 0:14:54.880 --> 0:14:56.800 all types of things. How do you think that that 0:14:56.880 --> 0:15:01.440 affected your daughter? And does it affect or not? It's 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:03.520 it affects and it's different. I'm gonna tell you why. 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:06.920 Because even though he was, like I said, present, when 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:08.720 we used to have to travel for dance and stuff, 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:10.360 and then maybe once in a blue moon passed through 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:13.840 the dance studio, because her life was like yours in uh, 0:15:14.160 --> 0:15:16.400 go to school and go to dance studio. You were 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:18.000 going to school, go to dance studio, and go to 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:20.480 Univision because the girl up on you. Let's be realistic, 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:24.800 but you know it was. But she was a daddy's girl. 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:28.840 He was very much about her and obsessed. The day 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:32.920 that I said I can't do this anymore, he completely 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:36.040 cut her off, and she was thirteen going on fourteen. 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:40.840 That affected her more. This is why I say I 0:15:40.920 --> 0:15:47.040 regret letting my parents manipulate me and all. You know, 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:50.200 you know, she has to grow up with your with 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:53.960 her father. I mean to a point that my parents 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:56.880 lied to my daughter and said they were married, and 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:01.080 she figured it out in fourth grade because they're very Catholic, 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:03.320 but no one I was like when she found out. 0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:06.120 I was like, that's not y'all. But it affected her 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:09.480 because she grew up with him on like literally on 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:11.920 top of her, like oh, you know, they used to 0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:15.680 do things together in other ways, he was just tag 0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:17.680 along or whatever you wanna call it. But she was 0:16:17.720 --> 0:16:21.440 a daddy's girl. So when we I said I didn't 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:23.000 want to be with him anymore, and I said, listen, 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:25.600 we could be friends. I'm very my mentality is very 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:29.120 American when it comes to that. He said, no, if 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:33.160 you are not in my life. We cannot be friends, Okay, 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:36.040 but I would have never thought in a million years 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:38.560 he would have cut off his daughter. And I'm not 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:42.080 talking about gradual. He went like this, cluem, clue, you 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:43.640 don't want to be with me, I don't want to 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.000 be with And that's a lot of fathers that end 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:48.200 up doing that that they end up taking and never 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:51.040 just fathers. But let's get into the women too. UM. 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:53.520 I recently just saw a video clip of a woman 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:57.200 abusing her child, recording it uh to show you know, 0:16:57.280 --> 0:17:00.440 show it and send it to her ex partner because 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:02.200 she was like, if you're not gonna be with me, 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:04.560 then screw this kid. And she was just beating on 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:06.720 the child. Um. I feel like there's a lot of 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:08.920 women and a lot of men that take out their 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:13.080 their frustrations out on their children because they want to 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.359 get back at, you know, the other person, without understanding 0:17:16.359 --> 0:17:20.359 and knowing how that can truly affect that kid's life. Um. 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:23.680 And then that's where I come in. I don't know 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:25.600 if I'm doing this right. I don't know if I'm 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.119 doing this wrong. Am I taking my personal awakened? No? 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:30.720 Because I know the way that I feel and I 0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:32.080 know the way that I think, and I've seen what 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:33.479 I've seen, and i know what I know, and I'm 0:17:33.480 --> 0:17:36.760 gonna leave it at that. But UM, for other girls 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:38.879 that are out here listening, for other women that are 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:42.199 out here listening, UM, sometimes we really have to have 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:45.280 taken consideration, especially now, once you hit a certain age, 0:17:45.560 --> 0:17:49.080 dating has has definitely had to be different. You have 0:17:49.200 --> 0:17:51.240 to know the type of people that one thing is 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:54.480 to have fun and another one is that fun can 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:57.800 turn into a whole life partnership with a child in 0:17:57.840 --> 0:17:59.960 the in the in the middle that can get affect 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:10.680 it by your decisions, whether you're a pro life or 0:18:10.720 --> 0:18:13.080 whether you're a pro choice. That's why you have to 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.119 make sure that you know what type of people you're 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:18.920 getting yourself involved with for situations like this, Like I said, 0:18:18.920 --> 0:18:20.640 I know that my father not being in my life 0:18:20.960 --> 0:18:23.080 truly affected me. That's why I feel that now it's 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:25.480 an adult, I would love to take therapy. I always 0:18:25.480 --> 0:18:28.240 tell people that I think that there's no age specific 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:30.280 age for therapy. I think that we all should take therapy. 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:32.399 We all have traumas and things that we have to 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:36.440 heal from. UM. And now I'm just trying to figure out. 0:18:36.800 --> 0:18:39.000 You know, now as a single mother, how do I 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:41.560 make time for myself? How do I not lose? I'm 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:44.000 out of fabulous, you know, now becoming a mom of 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:46.639 two crying at the same time, how do I still be? 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:49.560 You know, I'm a businesswoman and I'm you know, focused 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:52.399 in my business. Um, how do I make time for everything? 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:54.920 Because I'm afraid that working so much, I wouldn't be 0:18:54.960 --> 0:18:58.760 the best mother that I can be. You're working machine. 0:18:58.880 --> 0:19:01.280 You know. We've had this conversation nation before you. But 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:06.639 you're also a libra because you need to find balance once. 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:08.919 Let me tell you you're developing a sixth cent. You 0:19:08.920 --> 0:19:11.399 know what you want and don't want when you start dating. 0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:15.320 I'm gonna tell you as someone who dated after yes, 0:19:15.640 --> 0:19:17.560 oh my god, how do you date after you have 0:19:17.600 --> 0:19:21.800 a game? You've heard the story countless times. Your your 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:26.199 god sisters, what I left her dad when officially two 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:29.919 thousand and seven one, she was like fourteen, your god sister, 0:19:30.040 --> 0:19:32.480 by choice? This is me by choice has never seen 0:19:32.520 --> 0:19:36.120 me with another man. But every guy that I date, 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:40.359 I always think whether it's gonna last to day or 0:19:40.520 --> 0:19:43.959 last and a couple of years. I always say is 0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:46.920 this someone that I would want around my daughter, especially 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:50.000 when she was growing up, because I would be like, 0:19:50.640 --> 0:19:54.240 are you gonna look at her with eyes? Oh my god? Hey, 0:19:54.359 --> 0:19:56.080 not just for the girls, for the boys. That being 0:19:56.240 --> 0:19:58.320 for the boys too, But when you have girls, it's 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:03.280 more delicate because if they're voluptuous like we are, you 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:05.160 know that you don't know if the guy you're dating 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:07.679 is looking at her with eyes of a father or 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:09.920 eyes of a man. And that's something that we always 0:20:09.960 --> 0:20:12.399 have to be careful with you. You're gonna develop that 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:16.440 sixth sense of can can I even have you even 0:20:16.480 --> 0:20:19.280 as a friend sitting in my living room around my daughters? No? 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:23.240 Because you want to give them better. So never don't 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:26.159 regret what you do. You you live, you learn, and 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:29.480 you move forward. You're not the first woman in this predicament, 0:20:29.720 --> 0:20:31.960 and you're not gonna be the last. You just have 0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:35.280 to learn from your mistakes and be like, I know 0:20:35.359 --> 0:20:37.240 for sure this is not what I want in my 0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:40.160 life or around my children, and make sure you don't 0:20:40.160 --> 0:20:43.320 repeat that pattern in a future partner. And then here 0:20:43.359 --> 0:20:45.600 goes something else. Another mistake I see the parents do 0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:49.080 a lot of times, is they start to talk um 0:20:49.440 --> 0:20:52.040 when they're single parents or single mothers, whatever, they end 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:54.520 up telling their kids all the things that happened during 0:20:54.520 --> 0:20:58.320 the relationship, why their father is trash, why you know 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:02.240 they're not involved in their life. And I feel like, yes, 0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:04.240 it was good that my mom told me that my 0:21:04.320 --> 0:21:07.600 father was trashed, But she also gave me the opportunity 0:21:07.640 --> 0:21:09.760 to see it with my eyes, Like she would let 0:21:09.800 --> 0:21:11.159 me call him and be like, look and see if 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:13.280 he's gonna call you back. Never called me back, Or 0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:16.119 he would make promises and break them, like oh, I'm 0:21:16.160 --> 0:21:18.080 gonna give your hundred daughters so you can buy school 0:21:18.080 --> 0:21:20.320