Speaker 1: This may come as a surprise to a lot of people,
Speaker 1: but all black children are not going to be interested
Speaker 1: in sports and entertainment. Is that a fact? That is
Speaker 1: a fact? Well, it's funny you mentioned that, because I
Speaker 1: feel that my children need to be exposed to professionals,
Speaker 1: successful professionals in every different realm, because they need to
Speaker 1: know that there's a possibility that they can be one too.
Speaker 1: Dead as. Hey, I'm Cadine and where the ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one
Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Live's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: as is the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. Give us a good story makes good.
Speaker 1: Got I got a good I got a great, great story, right,
Speaker 1: It's a story of accountability when a young black father
Speaker 1: from Brooklyn had to realize that all of his sons
Speaker 1: are not going to be athletes. Talking about myself, ladies, gentlemen,
Speaker 1: I'm said father, So as you guys know, I have
Speaker 1: four whole boys. Jackson Cairo has the coda. Jackson came
Speaker 1: out swag savage. How much more more can I say? Dude,
Speaker 1: play football with the starting quarterback, let the team in
Speaker 1: touch downs, now plays basketball. He's a little bit of
Speaker 1: a beast, loves rap music. You know, he's just he's
Speaker 1: just he's that kid, you know, perhaps because he was
Speaker 1: born in Brooklyn. Absolutely absolutely. Then Cairo followed up adores Jackson.
Speaker 1: So everything Jackson does, Cairo's purpose in life is to
Speaker 1: do it better. Jackson's into sports, so Cairo's into sports.
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, it's not even keeps talking about is
Speaker 1: the daddy said I got taller than yesterday. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, bro,
Speaker 1: yeah you definitely got taller than yesterday. Then alone came
Speaker 1: cast Kas literally said a little stupid ass bitch, ain't no. Literally,
Speaker 1: it's just like I don't want to do anything my
Speaker 1: brothers want to do right, and they'll run outside, they'll
Speaker 1: get their basketballs, they'll do all this other stuff. And
Speaker 1: I always have this thing where I said, you know,
Speaker 1: where's your brothers and then like the outside they He'll
Speaker 1: go run outside and play with them for thirty minutes
Speaker 1: and come inside. But Kas loves to paint. He's an artist.
Speaker 1: He loves to do stuff with his hands. And Kadina
Speaker 1: and I just recently went to an industry front of
Speaker 1: ours house and they have a huge house square feet
Speaker 1: I would say about seven thousands of square footage of
Speaker 1: the house is dedicated to art and black artists, beautiful
Speaker 1: and amazing pieces. It was like a light bulb in
Speaker 1: my head, like wow, I was missing time with Cash,
Speaker 1: trying to force him to be with his brothers doing
Speaker 1: his things that his brothers wanted to do, and not
Speaker 1: paying attention to what may truly be his passion, and
Speaker 1: that's art. Let's see if you know this song, I
Speaker 1: know I can be what I want to be if
Speaker 1: I were to call in it, I be where I
Speaker 1: want to be. I know I can't. I know I
Speaker 1: can't be what I want to be if I work.
Speaker 1: If I work, I'll be where I want to be.
Speaker 1: No no no no no no no no no no
Speaker 1: no no no, yes, yes, that's one of my favorite songs.
Speaker 1: All right, guys, we'll be back in a little bit
Speaker 1: after short break. I am a artist at heart. I
Speaker 1: can sketch, I can paint, I can draw. I was
Speaker 1: pleasantly surprised when you showed me in your basement when
Speaker 1: we first started dating. There was a painting of like
Speaker 1: a leopard on the wall, and you were like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I painted that. I was like, that's pretty impressive. I
Speaker 1: sent me over here in my stick figure game. It's
Speaker 1: other than that. Don't ask me to draw nothing, you know.
Speaker 1: But it's funny because I was a makeup artists for years,
Speaker 1: so I guess there is some sort of creative artistry
Speaker 1: that goes along. Absolutely. Remember the sketch I sketched of
Speaker 1: view in college. Remember I was addicted to in college.
Speaker 1: As you can tell, I sketched the portrait. I am
Speaker 1: a dig where you're at. I am addictator. You know
Speaker 1: this mom of four boys that would be cute, That
Speaker 1: would be cute, A little like date night situation that
Speaker 1: actually would be cute. So you could just be like
Speaker 1: a nude model. And I can sketch you that would
Speaker 1: be fancy. Talk about four plates. That's what you call addiction.
Speaker 1: Back story time, back the story time. So I was,
Speaker 1: you know, I've always been into art and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: And I remember my parents, Um, when I in in summertime,
Speaker 1: I used to go to my grandparents house. They used
Speaker 1: to take us to the boys and Girls club, but
Speaker 1: then they also uhould take me to the road Center.
Speaker 1: And the road Center was a place where I can
Speaker 1: explore my artistic side. But I also remember being made
Speaker 1: fun of when I was a young kid, because you
Speaker 1: know how it is if you grow up in a
Speaker 1: black community, right, if you don't play sports, or if
Speaker 1: you don't rap, if you do anything outside of that,
Speaker 1: they call you soft, right, And I was called all
Speaker 1: sorts of names and stuff like that because, um, I
Speaker 1: was always into the drama club. Um, I used to dance,
Speaker 1: I used to do art. So but I was the
Speaker 1: type of kid that would bust your ass in basketball
Speaker 1: and football and then go to the drama club. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. But I also remember feeling as
Speaker 1: if I wanted my boys to have that masculine side
Speaker 1: of them and always be able to do sports, so
Speaker 1: that they could prove to people that they're not soft.
Speaker 1: And with outur boys, I noticed that I was not
Speaker 1: putting as much energy into kass artistic side as I
Speaker 1: was the other two's athletics side. And I said to myself,
Speaker 1: you know I always make cats find his brothers, go
Speaker 1: find your let's go do that, but I never make
Speaker 1: them find him and say, yo, your brother is going
Speaker 1: to paint. Why don't you go paint with your brother?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. He's playing with the play though,
Speaker 1: why don't you go do that? And I said, I said,
Speaker 1: you know what, that's messed up. You know that really
Speaker 1: is messed up. It's funny you mentioned that because at
Speaker 1: first I was just like, oh, cas is a sagittarius.
Speaker 1: I mean that we just like to be alone sometimes,
Speaker 1: like we just like our independent time. And even when
Speaker 1: we were talking to um has his teacher in school,
Speaker 1: she would say, you know, I'm one cast to be
Speaker 1: a little bit more social. He kind of does things
Speaker 1: off to the side by himself. And I was like, Sis,
Speaker 1: that's just how we are, Like, we'dn't always want to
Speaker 1: be messing with y'all, you know, Um, But it's interesting
Speaker 1: that you said that bringing the boys into meet cas
Speaker 1: where he is is a pretty I never thought of
Speaker 1: it that way, you know, I never thought of it
Speaker 1: that way. So that's interesting. I mean to implement that more.
Speaker 1: I think it's also it's a it's uh, reinforcing a
Speaker 1: stereotype and bringing in a generational trauma that he can
Speaker 1: only exist in the space of excellence if he's involved
Speaker 1: in certain things like sports. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: because every black child is not going to get into
Speaker 1: sports or performance. Now, every black child don't tell jokes,
Speaker 1: every black childline funny, every black child, don't dance, every
Speaker 1: black child don't wrap or saying you know, so, um,
Speaker 1: percentage is it for the NFL like that, there's less
Speaker 1: than make it to the NFL, right, and and it's
Speaker 1: important that and this is even smaller for the NBA,
Speaker 1: just numbers wise, because more people play basketball and less
Speaker 1: people will make it on NBA teams. So whereas an
Speaker 1: NFL team has fifty three people plus eight men on
Speaker 1: the roster, an NBA team has fifteen people on the roster.
Speaker 1: So and and more people are playing basketball and less
Speaker 1: of playing football because football is a violent sport. To
Speaker 1: double down on your storytime. This is another small storytime
Speaker 1: or moment that we had where you, in turn caught
Speaker 1: a little bit of a fault in the way you
Speaker 1: dealt with the situation. Um, it's cats birthday party, right,
Speaker 1: so you know we're want to do something small and intimated.
Speaker 1: It's still COVID outside, and I'm thinking what can we
Speaker 1: do for CATS's party? And I'm just like Cats, what
Speaker 1: are we gonna we're gonna do? Oh, he's into painting
Speaker 1: and art and whatnot. So I find a local art
Speaker 1: studio and it's a private space where you can have
Speaker 1: a birthday party. So we literally got like our closest
Speaker 1: two friends that happened to have kids. We got mad kids.
Speaker 1: So it's the birthday party, you know. Um, And at
Speaker 1: the birthday party, the kids are sitting down and they're
Speaker 1: painting Christmas trees or something because Cat his birthday is
Speaker 1: close to Christmas. It's the holiday season. And Um, you
Speaker 1: got up and left for the entire party and went
Speaker 1: with the dad's and went to gain some wings and
Speaker 1: had a drink. And you were gone, and I was
Speaker 1: there with the moms and we were overseeing the activity.
Speaker 1: And you came back at the end of the party
Speaker 1: in time to sing Happy Birthday, and then you said
Speaker 1: to me, damn K I dropped the ball on that
Speaker 1: situation because had it been a sported birthday party or
Speaker 1: a basketball birthday party or something at sky Zone or something,
Speaker 1: I probably would have been there playing basketball with them
Speaker 1: or like making a game out of it. And because
Speaker 1: it was something that I wasn't particularly interested in that moment,
Speaker 1: I just left. But of two hours and that was
Speaker 1: like a really teachable moment I think for us as
Speaker 1: parents and then for you as a dad, and for
Speaker 1: you to admit that man like I was really wrong
Speaker 1: in that circumstance. Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna lie. Bro.
Speaker 1: Like the minute you have a son, you know, you
Speaker 1: know you're going to playing sports, the same way if
Speaker 1: you have a daughter. It's just like she's gonna do dance,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, or's gonna do pageants. Like
Speaker 1: we as parents have these ideas of what our children
Speaker 1: are going to be, right and for me, this being
Speaker 1: my third son, it's like I was used to the routine.
Speaker 1: Like I was so just like used to what it
Speaker 1: was going to be. But Kas wanted to have a
Speaker 1: paint party, and I'm just like what am I supposed
Speaker 1: to do at I'm not painting a Christmas tree? You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. But then I had to realize myself,
Speaker 1: like dang, if they were at hoop Land, I would
Speaker 1: have been there. If they went to a trampoline park,
Speaker 1: I would have been there. And I had to realize,
Speaker 1: you know, like black excellence doesn't look like one thing.
Speaker 1: What if my son grows up to be bigger than
Speaker 1: Boskiot and his first memory is that my father wasn't
Speaker 1: at my fourth birthday party when I was painting trees,
Speaker 1: I would be heartbroken. You know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 1: would I would be heartbroken. But also realizing that if
Speaker 1: you don't put your kids in situations to be successful
Speaker 1: and learn how to nurture their passions, how could they
Speaker 1: turn their passions into their paycheck? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: If I just dismiss it as a hobby, it's not
Speaker 1: fair to him. You know what I'm saying, Cause I'm
Speaker 1: teaching all of my boys how to turn the things
Speaker 1: that they love and monetize it into their truth so
Speaker 1: they can make money doing stuff they love. And even
Speaker 1: Jackson with coding, saying, we took him to take them
Speaker 1: to a colding class so we can learn how to
Speaker 1: monetize that. And it was just like, Dan Devil, you
Speaker 1: really dropped the ball on that you need to really
Speaker 1: focus on on making sure that Kas knows that you
Speaker 1: know there are ways that you can paint and be
Speaker 1: um example, read it. For example. One of my cousins
Speaker 1: is a graphic designer. Oh yeah, phenomenal artists, right. He
Speaker 1: went to LaGuardia in Brooklyn School of the Arts and
Speaker 1: I went to college for graphic design and now he
Speaker 1: does graphic design and he can sketch and everything. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, you know, like I really missed missed
Speaker 1: that opportunity. Yeah, and I mean there'll be ton more
Speaker 1: to um to to catch up on, but it's just
Speaker 1: funny how that happened. And then we were exposed to
Speaker 1: all of the art in this this person's home and
Speaker 1: we were just so floored by how beautiful these pieces were.
Speaker 1: There were conversation pieces. I mean, we were just going
Speaker 1: to look at the house, but we ended up spending
Speaker 1: more time talking about and having discussions about art pieces.
Speaker 1: And that's something that I as a mom now looking
Speaker 1: to take the children out to do different activities. That's
Speaker 1: something that I always used to do with Jackson and
Speaker 1: stuff free COVID was take him to a show or
Speaker 1: take him out to a museum or something. Um. I
Speaker 1: do want for our boys to be well rounded in
Speaker 1: that they're exposed to so many different things. That's one
Speaker 1: thing I admire about an aunt nuncle that I have
Speaker 1: down here in Georgia. They have three boys also, um,
Speaker 1: and she warned me, She's like, if you have one more,
Speaker 1: it is going to be a boy. I'm telling you.
Speaker 1: She's a pediatrician and UM. But but her boys or
Speaker 1: their boys are just so like well rounded. Like they
Speaker 1: go to museums now as adults. Like that's cute little
Speaker 1: date nights for them with their girlfriends. Um. But they
Speaker 1: can still go to a Hawks game or something and
Speaker 1: still play basketball with us in the backyard when they
Speaker 1: come by to visit. So Um, the well rounded nous
Speaker 1: that I is the approach that I think that we're
Speaker 1: taking as parents to make sure that our children are
Speaker 1: exposed to so many different things so that when we
Speaker 1: see their honing in on something in particular, then we
Speaker 1: can say, all right, this seems to be an interest,
Speaker 1: let's pour into that so that way they can be
Speaker 1: the best at whatever that task is. I also had
Speaker 1: to learn about that being a teachable moment for me too,
Speaker 1: on the reverse side of things, whereas basketball wasn't necessarily
Speaker 1: my thing before, so instead of me I had to
Speaker 1: miss a couple of basketballs with Jackson, basketball games with Jackson,
Speaker 1: or practices because I was pregnant. But now I'm making
Speaker 1: a purpose to make sure if I'm available, someone can
Speaker 1: watch the baby. I'm going to those basketball games and
Speaker 1: I'm sitting next to you asking like, so, what's this play?
Speaker 1: What exactly this traveling look like? You know, so in
Speaker 1: the event that you're not the game, I needed to
Speaker 1: help to screaming and coach him in a sense from
Speaker 1: the sidelines and be involved and have those conversations with
Speaker 1: Jackson about what he's interested in. So, regardless of what
Speaker 1: the sport is, or regardless if it's our or whatever,
Speaker 1: I want to be able to be somewhat knowledgeable enough
Speaker 1: to have, you know, thoughtful conversations with them when they
Speaker 1: do come to me excited about whatever their activity is.
Speaker 1: I just I feel like for us as parents, we
Speaker 1: have to create a space where our boys don't feel
Speaker 1: like They're going to lose their blackness for not engaging
Speaker 1: activities that traditionally black people often engaging because we heard
Speaker 1: that growing up. You know what I'm saying, You don't
Speaker 1: play basketball, you know what I'm saying, Like, you don't
Speaker 1: listen to Biggie and Tupac like you black, Like you
Speaker 1: listen to opera, you play the piano, you played the guitar,
Speaker 1: Like why would you do that? You're black. I feel
Speaker 1: like we as a people tend to miss out on
Speaker 1: other opportunities because we only stay in the lane that
Speaker 1: we've had quote unquote success. And in that lane, you know,
Speaker 1: you you take a black kid to play tennis, or
Speaker 1: you take a black kid to play golf, and all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, they lose part of their blackness for sure.
Speaker 1: I think of going to this wedding that I went
Speaker 1: to once, and the first thing that I was hit
Speaker 1: with at the door was this black young man playing
Speaker 1: a violin. He was playing an electric violin, and he
Speaker 1: was playing all the latest songs. He was playing hip hop,
Speaker 1: he was playing some wraps and reggae, and I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: that was my first time seeing a black man playing
Speaker 1: a violin. A young man too. He was maybe in
Speaker 1: his twenties, but just had a certain style about him
Speaker 1: and a certain flair. And when I found out after
Speaker 1: the fact how much he charged per event, I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: you're taking a coin. This is a bag for you
Speaker 1: because you're using that talent. And I'm thinking about how
Speaker 1: many black boys may have been made fun of violin,
Speaker 1: you know, So I'm just I got four boys. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I played the violin super cute. He had a whole
Speaker 1: little situation going on and it was really really dope
Speaker 1: to see. So and also I'm thinking about the fact
Speaker 1: that we are very purposeful with exposing our children. Like
Speaker 1: I said in my sound bite, two different professionals that
Speaker 1: we know who happened to be close friends or family
Speaker 1: who are in different fields. So we have, for example,
Speaker 1: my brother's best friend san Jay brain surgeon, actual literal
Speaker 1: brain surgeon, who is like one of the top brain
Speaker 1: surgeons in Pennsylvania right now, that's something that you could
Speaker 1: do that. We have Cuticolta's godfather, Sean Freeman, who's going
Speaker 1: to be on a future episode with talking about finances,
Speaker 1: who's doing very well within his field, um the financial sales.
Speaker 1: Cairo's godfather, Steven, who played ten years in the NFL,
Speaker 1: now works as an executive in the NFL office. His godfather, Marcel,
Speaker 1: was the CFO. He was the CFO of the City
Speaker 1: of Boston, Yes, the City of Boston. He was the
Speaker 1: CFO of the entire city. He worked directly under the
Speaker 1: governor for four years. Yeah, but also played basketball. Was
Speaker 1: a Divisional BASKETB player at Colgate. But basketball all was
Speaker 1: never Basketball to him was a means to an end,
Speaker 1: you know. He was always really good. Both of his
Speaker 1: children are academically advanced. Um his daughter goes to Lehigh.
Speaker 1: His younger, his son Doocy, I think, just got a
Speaker 1: scholarship to Lehigh as well. But also it was getting
Speaker 1: offers from Duke and other uh other schools to play lacrosse,
Speaker 1: which is another interesting aspect that so many black athletes
Speaker 1: only head towards football or basketball, not realizing that the
Speaker 1: barrier of entry to gain an athletic scholarship is easier
Speaker 1: in sports like golf, lacrosse, in tennis. You know. So
Speaker 1: having all of these boys and seeing them excel at
Speaker 1: different aspects of things in their life early made me
Speaker 1: realize that I have to open my mind up to
Speaker 1: what black excellence is going to look like for them,
Speaker 1: because it's not gonna look like what we expected. I remember,
Speaker 1: I remember being nine years old. We were coming down
Speaker 1: Rockway Parkway headed to the Pizza Hut to Crows from
Speaker 1: Brookline Project. Remember this vividly, and I remember thinking to myself,
Speaker 1: I want to be rich. Do I want to singing
Speaker 1: dance like Michael Jackson or do I want to catch
Speaker 1: passes like Jerry Rice? And I remember thinking in my
Speaker 1: mind that those are my only two ways to get rich.
Speaker 1: I remember sitting out there, I was, It is vivid
Speaker 1: in my mind. I was looking out the back of
Speaker 1: my dad's cutlass. My brother was next to me, and
Speaker 1: my father was taking us to uh to the Pizza
Speaker 1: Hu because my mom had just had my sister. We
Speaker 1: just moved to Canarsi, and I remember thinking, like them,
Speaker 1: if I'm gonna be rich, I'm gonna have to do
Speaker 1: one of those two things. At nine, that's because because
Speaker 1: that's all I saw at nine was the rich people
Speaker 1: were in entertainment or athletics. And now at seven, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I want my sons to have a greater appreciation for
Speaker 1: life but also a broader spectrum of what wealth looks
Speaker 1: like to them and how they can attain it outside
Speaker 1: of these two options exactly, you know what I'm saying, Yeah, No,
Speaker 1: And I think it's great in that we are building
Speaker 1: a network of people around us where they would literally
Speaker 1: be exposed to so many different things where if we
Speaker 1: ever had to call on a resource for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: that we'll be able to do that and do that
Speaker 1: confidently knowing that that person will be able to point
Speaker 1: them in the right direction, to be a resource of them,
Speaker 1: but also to letting them find their own way. Um.
Speaker 1: So I'm wondering where we're thinking, uh, the pressure of perfectionism,
Speaker 1: where that falls into this entire realm, because I think
Speaker 1: at some points they can do more harm than good,
Speaker 1: especially for Black people with the host of generational burdens
Speaker 1: and and you know things that we're carrying. The idea
Speaker 1: of black excellence can be a trigger for the collective
Speaker 1: fear of failure. Um. But as parents, I think that
Speaker 1: we have to work hard to create an environment that
Speaker 1: allows us to you know, position our children to excel
Speaker 1: um in whatever way they can. And how do we
Speaker 1: pressure them, how do we encourage them to be excellent
Speaker 1: without the pressure, Well, This is the thing, right, especially
Speaker 1: for young black kids. It's not just about being perfect
Speaker 1: at what you do, it's also being perfectly black at
Speaker 1: what you do. Right, So it's like, I can't only excel,
Speaker 1: but I have to excel. Why excelling through my blackness?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, which is I think even
Speaker 1: Jackson he said something to me the other day. We
Speaker 1: were going to play basketball, and I was like, you
Speaker 1: gotta be tough. You know you can't. And when I
Speaker 1: was speaking about toughness, I was speaking about mental toughness,
Speaker 1: mental fort to physically tough. Only people push you around.
Speaker 1: And He's just like, no, I'm tough right now because
Speaker 1: I'm from the hood, right, And I was just like,
Speaker 1: but even in his mind right, his blackness is partnered
Speaker 1: with the fact that he's from Brooklyn and that he's
Speaker 1: originally from the hood. And that's part of what he
Speaker 1: has to remind stuff. I get to be black because
Speaker 1: I have to say I'm from the hood. His brothers
Speaker 1: never grew up living in Crown Heights. His brothers grew
Speaker 1: up living where we live now, in a twelve squirrel
Speaker 1: foot home. They're never going to be able to say
Speaker 1: that they came from the hood, So does that mean
Speaker 1: that they don't exist excellently in their blackness because they
Speaker 1: don't have the same struggle as other black people, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And that's where I think the
Speaker 1: perfectionism comes from, because it's like, I have to be
Speaker 1: perfect in my craft, but then I have to be
Speaker 1: perfect for black people all the time because if I'm
Speaker 1: not perfect in my blackness, black people like to call
Speaker 1: other black people out for not exuding blackness enough. But
Speaker 1: then it's like, well, what does blackness look like to you?
Speaker 1: Does it have that we're using to this level of
Speaker 1: blackness that this person has? I see it with um.
Speaker 1: I don't want to give. I don't want to give anybody.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say a name. But there's a
Speaker 1: celebrity couple that we grew up. A lot of people
Speaker 1: grew up idolizing, and they have adult kids now, and
Speaker 1: people always make fun about their kids or say about
Speaker 1: the kids that their kids are weird. You know, the
Speaker 1: kids are weird, you know what I'm saying. That's what
Speaker 1: happens when you don't raise your kids like their black kids.
Speaker 1: And I'm saying to myself, we call their kids weird
Speaker 1: because they think freely and do what they want right
Speaker 1: with their parents support. But think about how like sick
Speaker 1: that is that we as a community will label another.
Speaker 1: And I'm talking about a family of kids who are
Speaker 1: very productive members of society, who are helping society, and
Speaker 1: what what we hear is they're weird because they don't
Speaker 1: exist in the blackness that we want them to exist in.
Speaker 1: And and think about the pressure it takes for a
Speaker 1: kid nowadays too exist in that that excellence of blackness,
Speaker 1: especially with social media. Oh my god, you know, as
Speaker 1: a whole another layer two things that complicates it even more. Um.
Speaker 1: And then you have to deal with not only children
Speaker 1: who are just mean, but you have adults who are
Speaker 1: mean too, and adults who are are doubling down on children,
Speaker 1: you know, to say, criticize them or to judge. Um.
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's interesting that you brought them up, because
Speaker 1: it's like, what exactly is that measure of the blackness
Speaker 1: that we're looking for that will equate to enough? And
Speaker 1: when this is the constant pressure for black children, black
Speaker 1: adults in general to always have to prove the level
Speaker 1: of um blackness, not just to themselves but to their peers. Well,
Speaker 1: like you said, a lot of that pressure oftentime comes
Speaker 1: from parents, right, because I know, for example, I've put
Speaker 1: pressures on Jackson to be a certain way, not realizing
Speaker 1: that my ideas were very close minded, you know, early
Speaker 1: on in my parenting process, and as I got older,
Speaker 1: now you know, I I've realized that I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: little bit I'm allowed to be a little bit more
Speaker 1: free with my ideas of what I want from my children.
Speaker 1: But I think it starts with the parents, right. If
Speaker 1: you put all these pressures on your sons or your
Speaker 1: daughters to be a certain way, right, they then carry
Speaker 1: those out into the world and they look for validation
Speaker 1: from their peers and from other people to feel as
Speaker 1: if they're making their parents proud because of all the
Speaker 1: things that their parents have instilled in them. And that's
Speaker 1: difficult for anyone who is trying to exist in their
Speaker 1: own passion, because what if you're what if your passion
Speaker 1: doesn't exist in the realm of the traditional black activity,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like you said, what if
Speaker 1: you love to play the violin and listen to opera?
Speaker 1: But now you know, I can't exist in this place
Speaker 1: because that place doesn't exist in traditional bla activity. So
Speaker 1: it's like, well, let me find something else and do
Speaker 1: this on the side. Well, now you find something else
Speaker 1: to do, but you don't love it, you don't have
Speaker 1: a passion for it because you know you're not going
Speaker 1: to get the support from your community or maybe even
Speaker 1: your parents, and you'd be miserable doing something you don't
Speaker 1: want to do. Prime example with my my side of
Speaker 1: the family. I mean it's traditional I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's West Indian this, but it's like, you know, you
Speaker 1: gotta be a doctor, you gotta be a lawyer, you've
Speaker 1: gotta be engineering. If you ain't one of them three
Speaker 1: things or a nurse four And if you're not one
Speaker 1: of those three things or four things, then your level
Speaker 1: of success is gone to ship because it's like, how
Speaker 1: dare you want to exist in the space where you're
Speaker 1: going to be potentially an artist or you're going to
Speaker 1: be a singer, Like even that's when singing is not
Speaker 1: even good enough in some some households, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Being an entertainer is not you know, looking
Speaker 1: at what we do. It's funny because I um was
Speaker 1: browsing on you know, Instagram, the other day and I
Speaker 1: sometimes he comments, I sometimes don't. But I happened to
Speaker 1: catch one where someone said, um, if it was a
Speaker 1: picture with my dad or my dad was in a
Speaker 1: video with us, and he was like the person said, oh,
Speaker 1: does your dad now understand what you do? Is he
Speaker 1: like happy for you? And does he understand what you
Speaker 1: do now? Because for a long time it was just
Speaker 1: like this apprehension, which I know it was coming from
Speaker 1: a place of love because he wanted me to be
Speaker 1: late and whatever I did, but he just wasn't sure
Speaker 1: about my path. So what he can only encourage me
Speaker 1: to do is what he knew. But now when I've
Speaker 1: made my own way and I'm successful at that, he's
Speaker 1: kind of like, oh, now I get it, you know.
Speaker 1: And sometimes it just takes kind of breaking away from
Speaker 1: that improving um to your parents or to your family
Speaker 1: that this is my passion, this is what I want
Speaker 1: to do. Well, I'm glad that you brought that up
Speaker 1: because I actually have a new parenting tip that I've
Speaker 1: been implementing with the boys that I want to make
Speaker 1: public because it was a way for us to discuss
Speaker 1: finances but also encourage them in ways to teach them
Speaker 1: to turn their passion into their paycheck. Right when it
Speaker 1: came time to talk about finances with Jackson, are oldest
Speaker 1: who's ten turning eleven, I decided I was going to
Speaker 1: give him a bank account so he could stop asking
Speaker 1: me for money, and I was going to not give
Speaker 1: him allowance because I don't believe that you should get
Speaker 1: allowance for doing things that you should naturally do as
Speaker 1: an adult. You wake up, you clean up after yourself,
Speaker 1: you make up your bed, you clean your bathroom. That
Speaker 1: stuff you have to do to survive as and dou't.
Speaker 1: I'm not paying you that. But what I will do
Speaker 1: is pay you to do things that can become ultimately
Speaker 1: your paycheck. So, for example, you want to go to
Speaker 1: coding class. You go to coding class consistently and do well,
Speaker 1: and coding class, I'll pay you for that. You want
Speaker 1: to play basketball, you practice consistently and you excel at basketball,
Speaker 1: I'll pay you for that. You want to know why
Speaker 1: you'll get paid to be a coder. You'll get paid
Speaker 1: to be a basketball player, and you get paid to
Speaker 1: practice at those things, but you will never get paid
Speaker 1: to make up your bed. So for me, I've decided
Speaker 1: to turn uh the children's activities into their allowance. So
Speaker 1: what happens is they'll learn how to enjoy the process
Speaker 1: of being great at something by getting paid for being consistent.
Speaker 1: It's incentivized because the only way you can get paid
Speaker 1: in life is you excel and create a service for
Speaker 1: whatever that the passion is that you create. Right, So
Speaker 1: you have to create a need for your paintings if
Speaker 1: you're a painter, right, you have to create a need
Speaker 1: for your service as a basketball player, so all about
Speaker 1: the demand. So the only way you can create a
Speaker 1: need for something is to be so good at it
Speaker 1: that people want it. The only way you can become
Speaker 1: so good at something is by practicing the skill over
Speaker 1: and over and over again until you become a master.
Speaker 1: Most of the time, for children, is difficult for them
Speaker 1: to enjoy the process of being a master at something
Speaker 1: because they're never incentivized to practice. They either want to
Speaker 1: play at the games or they want to do recitals.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, it's never a thing
Speaker 1: where I enjoy practice. So what I'm trying to teach
Speaker 1: my boys is enjoy the process. Because what I've learned
Speaker 1: about uh TV, what I've learned about film. When I've
Speaker 1: learned about basketball is that people don't pay you to perform.
Speaker 1: People pay you to practice, so that when you do perform,
Speaker 1: you can be great at it, because practice is the
Speaker 1: hard part. And I was like, if you think about
Speaker 1: it that way and you apply that to your children,
Speaker 1: you can create excellence in your children. And I think
Speaker 1: that because one of the questions we had here was like,
Speaker 1: how do we take their biggest interests that may be
Speaker 1: rooted in play, and how do you use that play
Speaker 1: activity to teach them about effort and excellence, Which brings
Speaker 1: me to thinking about the times that she was spoken
Speaker 1: to Jackson about um just even playing with this friend.
Speaker 1: So for example, a friend comes by and there in
Speaker 1: the backyard and they're playing basketball, and they're playing and
Speaker 1: Jackson loses and you come back and you're like, yo, Jackson,
Speaker 1: why did you losing? And he's like, I wasn't even
Speaker 1: really playing like that. I was just I was just
Speaker 1: shooting around. I wasn't really playing like that. And you're like,
Speaker 1: but you lost, though, Like, like, nobody in this house
Speaker 1: likes to lose it, and we're probably one of the
Speaker 1: most competitive households ever in life, so it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if your friend comes by and you'll just shooting around.
Speaker 1: Even if you are just shooting around, you're gonna win
Speaker 1: on that shooting around. So in that turn, it's us
Speaker 1: taking something that shouldn't be fun and then making sure
Speaker 1: that they're just excellent at whatever it is, absolutely due
Speaker 1: and putting effort into it, regardless of the situation. Absolutely
Speaker 1: it's creating a competitive mindset because the only way you
Speaker 1: can exist in this in this life. We live in
Speaker 1: a capitalist country right where you have to uh pretty
Speaker 1: much earned resources to survive. So this whole idea of
Speaker 1: this utopia, you know, we play games just for fun,
Speaker 1: or we do things just for fun. No, that's not
Speaker 1: the way the world works. So if you begin to
Speaker 1: incentivive your your kids from early to to make excellence
Speaker 1: the standard. Right, once excellence becomes the standard for a child,
Speaker 1: excellence becomes a standard for them as an adult. And
Speaker 1: once you do anything excellently is that a word, excellently? Yes,
Speaker 1: that's what we do podcast when we wake up. Word.
Speaker 1: Once you become excellent at doing anything, you can get
Speaker 1: paid for it. Right. The only reason why the young
Speaker 1: man at the wedding was getting paid to play the
Speaker 1: violin is because he was the dopest at playing the violin,
Speaker 1: because he practiced over and over and over again playing
Speaker 1: the violin. Then I'm sure finding a way to make
Speaker 1: these songs that are common top forty, you know, popular
Speaker 1: songs that people enjoy, then hearing it in that fashion,
Speaker 1: which is compolutely different. I can't tell you how many
Speaker 1: people were asking him for business cards and his social
Speaker 1: handles so that way they could find him after listen,
Speaker 1: I've learned being a parent for the past ten years.
Speaker 1: If you can incentivize your kids and their passions, they
Speaker 1: will learn to turn their passions into their paycheck. And
Speaker 1: then when they turn eighteen two, they'll move out and
Speaker 1: you get your wife back, and then you'll be empty nested,
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. So it's like you're teaching
Speaker 1: them how to be great at what they do, so
Speaker 1: they can exist in excellence, regardless of whether that excellence
Speaker 1: is a common black activity. Well, what about you as
Speaker 1: an adult? How are you inspired to be excellent the
Speaker 1: things you do? You know, there's there's there's one thing
Speaker 1: about myself right that I don't think anyone knows that
Speaker 1: I'm extremely self motivated to change the world, right and
Speaker 1: I just know that you can only change the world
Speaker 1: through resources, through capital and through influence. And the only
Speaker 1: way you can gain resources, capital and in fluence is
Speaker 1: to work hard and be great at something. Right, you
Speaker 1: want to inspire people, You have to be great at
Speaker 1: something so that you can, Like the greatest compliment you
Speaker 1: can be told is that you inspired me to do something.
Speaker 1: Ever since I was young, I always knew that I
Speaker 1: existed in a place that was not going to be
Speaker 1: my existence for the rest of my life, which was Brooklyn. Right,
Speaker 1: I wanted to do something bigger. I wanted to do
Speaker 1: something greater, and I wanted to help people, right I
Speaker 1: I personally want to be so rich and famous that
Speaker 1: if there's a family in anywhere that can't do something,
Speaker 1: I can give them the resources to do it. Like
Speaker 1: that's that's my motivation. I want to be able to
Speaker 1: if there's a young mom who can't afford something, or
Speaker 1: I can't get this, I can either put a call
Speaker 1: in to make sure that that gets taken care of,
Speaker 1: or I can give them the resources myself. Because the
Speaker 1: the truth of the matter is is that the whole
Speaker 1: world is just arguing over distribution of resources, and everybody
Speaker 1: doesn't have the same access to get those resources as
Speaker 1: other people. I don't mean that they're less deserving, you know,
Speaker 1: but they don't have access to it, right. But there
Speaker 1: has to be a balance someone who sits in the middle,
Speaker 1: who doesn't have anything else to gain from it. But
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, this just kind of isn't fair,
Speaker 1: Like can we just you know, and and in the
Speaker 1: world today everything is political. Well, if if we give
Speaker 1: it to this person, and we have to give it
Speaker 1: to that person, and if we getting it's like yo, no,
Speaker 1: no funk that this person in this moment right here
Speaker 1: may need this. Okay, their hospital, but maybe a hundred
Speaker 1: thousand dollars right the hospital can't cover it because if
Speaker 1: they cover this person, they have to cover the next person.
Speaker 1: If they cover this's fine, I'll cover that person. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. That's always been my motivation. I
Speaker 1: want to be able to help the underdog. And I
Speaker 1: know you can only do that with capital, with influence,
Speaker 1: and I want to be able to be so influential
Speaker 1: that I can help people. That's my motivation. Like, that's
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. Look at you, so I
Speaker 1: love that your your reason for excellence or your desire
Speaker 1: for excellence is rooting and being what God loves is
Speaker 1: a cheerful giver, because that's why I think He always
Speaker 1: continues to bless you in abundance for that reason. That's
Speaker 1: the only reason why he blesses us. Because I need
Speaker 1: help doing this, and a lot of this comes from you.
Speaker 1: But if you think about it, feel you never Yeah,
Speaker 1: you've never once said I don't think we should give
Speaker 1: or do this. You've opened up our house to so
Speaker 1: many children and so many people from our neighborhood when
Speaker 1: I was doing prototype, You've always been a cheerful giver
Speaker 1: as well. But I do believe that you have a
Speaker 1: fiduciery responsibility to give when you've received so much. I
Speaker 1: feel like God only gives an abundance to people knowing
Speaker 1: that those people's responsibility is to give to other people.
Speaker 1: Some people take advantage of that, you know, because everybody
Speaker 1: is not in the same way. That's why of the
Speaker 1: world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population.
Speaker 1: Something has to give, you know, and it's not always
Speaker 1: going to give. But if I could be the one
Speaker 1: person that you know does is different. I mean. Bill
Speaker 1: Gates is known for his philanthropy. Michael Jackson is known
Speaker 1: for his philanthropy. Like there's so many super wealthy people
Speaker 1: who you'd be like, he gave away half of his
Speaker 1: fortune five million dollars to organizations. Yes, because what is
Speaker 1: this man going to do with dollars? Exactly? You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, enough materials stuff in the world for that.
Speaker 1: But what d you think that? Yeah? I think one
Speaker 1: part what fuels that in addition to wanting to always
Speaker 1: give and wanting to help, because that's always been in
Speaker 1: my nature. UM life is a pride thing, and it's
Speaker 1: a pride for UM, not even just for me, but
Speaker 1: just for my family. I think about where my mother
Speaker 1: and father have come from. UM. I hear stories of
Speaker 1: you know, the hardships they've had to endore coming to America,
Speaker 1: UM when they did from Jamaica and Saint Vincus, respectively,
Speaker 1: And I think about the sacrifices that they've made. And
Speaker 1: I think about, you know, my mom talking about being
Speaker 1: locked out of her apartment and sleeping on the floor
Speaker 1: in the hallway of the apartment building that she lived
Speaker 1: in for some nights because that was just the card
Speaker 1: she was dealt UM all why she was trying to
Speaker 1: work at Burger King and put herself through school. And
Speaker 1: there's so many things that my um my parents have
Speaker 1: done for me, my family, UM, and I feel like
Speaker 1: it's my responsibility to be excellent for them, to show
Speaker 1: them that everything that they've done is not in vain um,
Speaker 1: and to be able to then pay it forward to
Speaker 1: them too, not just to the general public, but to
Speaker 1: my family, to make sure that they're always going to
Speaker 1: be okay. UM. That's a big big thing for me,
Speaker 1: especially being the oldest and my family as well, and
Speaker 1: then now being excellent as a mom and wanting my
Speaker 1: children to not just hear me talk about being excellent,
Speaker 1: but being an example of excellence for them to say, well,
Speaker 1: my mom actually did that. UM. That's something you kind
Speaker 1: of checked me on one day too. You're like, you
Speaker 1: can't just talk about doing things and expect for the
Speaker 1: kids to just fall in line. You have to actually
Speaker 1: be that source of excellence for them to see and
Speaker 1: to emulate. UM. Because I kind of fall into some
Speaker 1: of my own bad habits sometimes that we're seeing some
Speaker 1: of our children like such and such. It's just like
Speaker 1: that because you do that and you can't tell him
Speaker 1: you want to correct it. And my answer is always like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't want him to do the stuff that I do.
Speaker 1: I want, but how is he going to know to
Speaker 1: be better if you can't show him you overcoming that
Speaker 1: bad habit that you have. So UM, that's gonna be
Speaker 1: one of my major focuses. UM now that I feel
Speaker 1: like I can get my life back in order to
Speaker 1: think straight, I have my four boys. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: be pregnant again. I'm gonna be in my sound and
Speaker 1: right mind to just kind of move forward in life,
Speaker 1: to be the most excellent version of cadem that I
Speaker 1: can be. UM, to make you proud, UM, to make
Speaker 1: my family proud and my kids, and that's all we
Speaker 1: can ask for. Let be doing a good job. Thank you, baby.
Speaker 1: You two except for that left eyelash. Left eyelash ain't
Speaker 1: excellent right now, so you can get on my eyelash.
Speaker 1: You know it's the struggle because you're tired and you
Speaker 1: look have trying to put on an eyelash. Listen, guys,
Speaker 1: excellent next time, I'm gonna help you. Let you help
Speaker 1: me to be excellent in my eye lash of application.
Speaker 1: So let's take it a quick break, y'all, We're gonna
Speaker 1: get into some listen letters after we get into the
Speaker 1: hats alight, ll be back with listening to letters. Of course,
Speaker 1: as you guys know, this is season seven. Whose favorite
Speaker 1: part of the show is this nosy deany mine. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna read the first one. Hey, y'all. First off, I
Speaker 1: love you guys, thank you, love you back, so boom.
Speaker 1: I've been dealing with an old head for person from
Speaker 1: New York. He's okay, soom old head for four years now,
Speaker 1: I'm twenty seven and he's and bridging the generational gap
Speaker 1: has been a struggle. Now, I will state that he's
Speaker 1: an amazing guy and definitely checks off a lot of
Speaker 1: my boxes that I would want in a husband. But
Speaker 1: he's old, and forty five is not that old, but
Speaker 1: I guess in relation to Listen, I'm close to forty something,
Speaker 1: so I'm trying to hold on, trying to hold on um,
Speaker 1: but he's old and sometimes he can be really stuck
Speaker 1: in his ways. I try to introduce new things in
Speaker 1: our relationship, like bondage, sex clubs, trying to get spicy
Speaker 1: what's your name? And he usually shuts me down by
Speaker 1: saying that's weird. Millennial ship. I like that weird millennial ship.
Speaker 1: But anyway you would trying to go to those sex
Speaker 1: club not a sex club, I don't know about all that.
Speaker 1: But or bondage, you don't have nobody tie you up
Speaker 1: the vow let me out if I ever try to
Speaker 1: tie this woman. The idea of it would be cute.
Speaker 1: Just don't try to tickle me. Don't try to tie
Speaker 1: me up and tickle me. Then we're gonna have we
Speaker 1: gonna fight. I'm into a couple of different kinks and
Speaker 1: he just can't seem to wrap his head around them.
Speaker 1: I'm tired of the compromise being so one sided. It's
Speaker 1: like all the years past, he wants me to just
Speaker 1: be this nella ask girl taking care of his kids,
Speaker 1: and that's not me. When we first met, he would
Speaker 1: try a couple of small things, but that has dwindled down.
Speaker 1: Any suggestions on how I can get him to become
Speaker 1: or open minded. Thank you for your time and trying
Speaker 1: to help us to out super freak, super freak super um.
Speaker 1: Look man, Kay, and I was just talking about this man.
Speaker 1: Thing is good to be forty five man, they stuck.
Speaker 1: You can't teach your old dogs more always than one
Speaker 1: and it couldn't be. It can be a positive in
Speaker 1: that someone who's in their forty like someone in that
Speaker 1: forty range. If you're dating and you're looking for someone
Speaker 1: in that forty range, it's kind of like good because
Speaker 1: it's like I know what I want, you know what
Speaker 1: you want. Either we're gonna get together or we're not.
Speaker 1: And it kind of eliminates a lot of that game, Yeah, chasing, playing,
Speaker 1: trying to figure things out, period. But with this gap
Speaker 1: that y'all have right now, that's gonna be a little
Speaker 1: hard and you're not gonna be satisfied if you're having
Speaker 1: to always suppress those desires that you have for like
Speaker 1: the same old, same old. She did what most people do.
Speaker 1: He checks the boxes, and he checks the boxes. And
Speaker 1: that's when you go through life trying to check check
Speaker 1: boxes as opposed to doing what makes you happy, you're
Speaker 1: gonna end up being miserable. We talked about that all
Speaker 1: of these boxes that he supposedly checked were boxes created
Speaker 1: as you were conditioned to believe that these are the
Speaker 1: things you want. Clearly those things you want if you're
Speaker 1: focused on this so and no one's checking all those
Speaker 1: boxes anyway, if they are set boxes. People aren't checking
Speaker 1: all of them. There's always gonna be something that I
Speaker 1: feel like I don't check all your boxes. I mean
Speaker 1: you check pretty much all of my box which pretty
Speaker 1: much what boxing. Know you do you do box check.
Speaker 1: We'll have to think about that one. I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't want to put you on the spot, but what spot?
Speaker 1: What box I don't check? I'm talking about shifting in
Speaker 1: that like the day to day. Sometimes you may want
Speaker 1: something in that moment that you didn't know you wanted before.
Speaker 1: It's not like the boxes that are the be all
Speaker 1: that ends all. You check those boxes like yourself. That
Speaker 1: sounds like a deflection to me. You hand you're a provider,
Speaker 1: you're funny, like those are the boxes that check. But
Speaker 1: sometimes there's things on a day to day basis that
Speaker 1: made me in that moment. You don't do like I
Speaker 1: don't know that. You don't leave me alone because you're
Speaker 1: trying to deflect. I didn't call into the listen to letters.
Speaker 1: I know you didn't. I'm just saying for me, I
Speaker 1: don't feel like I settled. I feel like I feel
Speaker 1: like you check. You check all of my boxes. I
Speaker 1: feel like you check, but I don't think that there's
Speaker 1: some people who have that where someone's going to check
Speaker 1: all of their boxes all the time. That's the anomally
Speaker 1: that's but no, no, no, no, no no no, I think
Speaker 1: we're anomally. I don't think like we check each other's boxes.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't think so. I think this is
Speaker 1: this is what I think. This is Seriously, this is
Speaker 1: what I think. Even even when it comes to just
Speaker 1: marriage in general. Right, the vast majority or the vast
Speaker 1: narrative of of America right now is that black men
Speaker 1: don't want support protect black women. Right. That's what everything's
Speaker 1: going on, right. We don't love black women, we don't
Speaker 1: want black women. Right. Meanwhile, over eight of black men
Speaker 1: who are married and married to who right, Which means,
Speaker 1: once again, the loud minority is winning. See what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: The loud minority is winning. That's not that's not the truth.
Speaker 1: That this is not real. The same thing goes for marriage.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of people who are married who
Speaker 1: found the person that checks all of their boxes. What
Speaker 1: happens is is when you're going through that box checking process,
Speaker 1: there are some ups and downs and some things that
Speaker 1: you have to figure out while checking the boxes. Just
Speaker 1: like us. If you would have listened to everybody else,
Speaker 1: and if I would have listened to everybody else, I
Speaker 1: would have missed out on the person that checked on
Speaker 1: my boxes because I was listening to other people trying
Speaker 1: to check boxes for me. And and and the reason
Speaker 1: why I'm saying that is because there are there are
Speaker 1: people out there who can find someone who checks all
Speaker 1: of their boxes. If, like we talked about earlier, they
Speaker 1: fall in love with the process of finding out how
Speaker 1: these boxes are supposed to be checked. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I see that, But do you not think
Speaker 1: that while those boxes may be checked in the moment,
Speaker 1: as things change, as things shift, that there may be
Speaker 1: a box that you're just like, maybe they don't fit
Speaker 1: in that box anymore, so now we have to kind
Speaker 1: of shift and find another box. I don't think that
Speaker 1: they're gonna tell you why you and I are do
Speaker 1: you my best friend? Right? My boxes may change, But
Speaker 1: we talked about being of service to each other. Right
Speaker 1: When I say to you, babe, I need this, What
Speaker 1: is your first thing? Thought process? A way to get
Speaker 1: that and that's mine for you, right so, and that's
Speaker 1: my thing. When there's a box that you say that
Speaker 1: you want checked off. If it's within my power, I'm
Speaker 1: going to work my ass off. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But it's like you can't say tomorrow, and I do
Speaker 1: not want to nigger at six eight. I'm never going
Speaker 1: to be six eight. But you see what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: so that I can never be then argument. But what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is when you're of service to someone, Oh,
Speaker 1: you go into a relationship looking to be of service,
Speaker 1: you see what boxes they need checked off, and you
Speaker 1: figure out that that's what I wanted. I want to
Speaker 1: check this person's boxes like that. That, to me is
Speaker 1: what marriage and relationships are about. I see the person boxes,
Speaker 1: I'm checking the motherfucker's myself. I'm not even waiting for
Speaker 1: her to check off the boxes for me. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do it. And you do. You've been doing the same
Speaker 1: thing for me now, first five years of marriage, we
Speaker 1: didn't give a shit about each other's boxes. I was
Speaker 1: focused on my own boxes. Yeah, I was checking my
Speaker 1: boxes over here, like I don't know what boxes he got,
Speaker 1: but and that's my parents. You see what I'm saying, Yes,
Speaker 1: thank you, And and this leaves me back to my
Speaker 1: message to her says you said, he checks off as
Speaker 1: many boxes as he can write. Those are boxes you
Speaker 1: probably checked. If he's not willing to meet you and
Speaker 1: checking the rest of the boxes, maybe that's not the
Speaker 1: person you should spend the rest of your life with
Speaker 1: because that person is not willing to be of service
Speaker 1: to you. That's my that's my message, right, because he's
Speaker 1: not open, he doesn't seem to be open. So you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like anything bothers you that much,
Speaker 1: what you're gonna just suppress for the rest of your
Speaker 1: life when you want to be tied up and slapped
Speaker 1: around or whatnot. You see what I'm saying. And this
Speaker 1: goes back to even the sex like that, yall. You
Speaker 1: know everybody want to be tied up and take it out.
Speaker 1: But this even goes back to the monogamy episode. Right,
Speaker 1: If he wants her to be monogamous to him and
Speaker 1: she says she requires certain things, you chose this woman
Speaker 1: to be your your partner, right, So if she's saying
Speaker 1: she she wants this, you're not even gonna try it.
Speaker 1: You're just gonna shut it down. That's selfish as hell. Now,
Speaker 1: if she goes out and find someone else that wants
Speaker 1: to do that. You're gonna be mad. You could have
Speaker 1: been the person to do it, but you said no.
Speaker 1: And that's what being of services someone in a relationship
Speaker 1: is if it's within the realm of your physical capabilities
Speaker 1: to get it done and that comfort zone, yes, and
Speaker 1: be of service to your partner. Like that's all it is.
Speaker 1: Like there's no way around it, and we're around it.
Speaker 1: And if you don't, don't be in a relationship. It's
Speaker 1: not really check number two number two. Hi, my name
Speaker 1: is Marjorie Moments. She gave us Marjorie Moment, major moment.
Speaker 1: That's really what her name is. Hi. My name is
Speaker 1: Marjorie Moment, thirty one year old mother of three from Philly.
Speaker 1: What up Philly? First, I want to start by saying
Speaker 1: you both are amazing. You're amazing, Marjorie. I admire your
Speaker 1: union and transparency, yellow motorate, motivating and funny a f
Speaker 1: keep blazing, that's what we do. Got just blaze on
Speaker 1: my triceps. I spent a lot of time manifesting my
Speaker 1: business ideas. With the new year approaching, I began producing
Speaker 1: some business goals, needs, et cetera. To help with the
Speaker 1: creating with creating a plan to jump start. However, I
Speaker 1: feel stuck. I'm experiencing a bit of fear and anxiety,
Speaker 1: which stems from me feeling like there is no room
Speaker 1: for failure. I don't have the courage nor funds to fail.
Speaker 1: I'm struggling to be patient with myself as it gets
Speaker 1: discouraging at times. The vision is clear, but grasping it
Speaker 1: doesn't seem feasible. What advice do you have with managing
Speaker 1: your current lifestyle while pursuing the lifestyle you desire. How
Speaker 1: do you overcome your fear and just get started? You
Speaker 1: just said it, just get started. You just it's there, Marjorie.
Speaker 1: You're pretty much talked yourself into answering your question. Yo, Marjorie,
Speaker 1: listened to listen to me right now. I had a
Speaker 1: plan for my family, had a plan for my family
Speaker 1: from the very beginning. It got to a point when
Speaker 1: I retired from football, I had no clue how I
Speaker 1: was going to get to where I wanted to get
Speaker 1: to write. So I was like, you know, I need
Speaker 1: to start a business to give myself more capital, like
Speaker 1: we talked about earlier, more capital so I can take chances.
Speaker 1: Because I knew everything wasn't gonna go right to build,
Speaker 1: build something that my family can be proud of. First
Speaker 1: thing I did was sacrifice. I had Orange right Orange
Speaker 1: Audie six, got rid of it. Coadina and I used
Speaker 1: to like to go on vacations the met Metro card
Speaker 1: Codina and I used to go on vacations for four
Speaker 1: years in a row. We didn't go on no vacations.
Speaker 1: There was no jewelry, there was no bags, There was
Speaker 1: no expensive cars, not expensive sneakers, no expensive clothes. We
Speaker 1: sacrificed so that we can live the way we want
Speaker 1: to live. That's all. It takes having a dream, the
Speaker 1: mental fortitude to see it through, have a plan to
Speaker 1: know that there's going to be ups and downs, and
Speaker 1: also the patients to know that it's not going to
Speaker 1: happen overnight. We started this dream in two thousand and ten,
Speaker 1: two thousand and ten when I when I officially retired
Speaker 1: from the NFL, and we did not receive financial security
Speaker 1: until about two thousand and fourteen. Yes, we're doing good
Speaker 1: and then now finally feeling like we have that autonomy
Speaker 1: over our life that we've always wanted um and still
Speaker 1: continuing to grow to create and build this legacy for
Speaker 1: our boys. Um that's extended past our generation. It's still
Speaker 1: something that we're working on. Two fourteen is on my
Speaker 1: thirtieth birthday. That's when I brought my black Audi A seven.
Speaker 1: So it was at that moment that I finally said,
Speaker 1: ha ha, I can do something for myself. So it
Speaker 1: was four years from my official retirement that I did that,
Speaker 1: four years Marjorie that Codeine and I invested, and this
Speaker 1: is this was crazy because we were just talking about
Speaker 1: this the other day, right. I finally reached the point
Speaker 1: in my life where I can look at my wife
Speaker 1: and say, baby, I got it. Yes, if you don't
Speaker 1: want to wake up for the next six months, you
Speaker 1: want the hill and go on vacation, do that. I
Speaker 1: got it. But for twenty years she and I have
Speaker 1: been together building this building, and tw years from eighteen.
Speaker 1: From eighteen, we've been building to get to this point.
Speaker 1: And that's what people don't see. They feel like it
Speaker 1: it's gonna happen in a year or two. You know,
Speaker 1: if I don't happen in eighteen into six months, nothing
Speaker 1: turns around the I'm gonna stop. Eighteen years, Kadina and
Speaker 1: I have been talking about this and building the brakes,
Speaker 1: shipping shipping away and finally we got to this point
Speaker 1: now when two thousand nineteen where we were able to
Speaker 1: move to l A and kind of say, let's go
Speaker 1: to the next level, right right, And I think that's
Speaker 1: sparked it for us. It was taking that chance again
Speaker 1: now getting outside of that comfort zone that we were in,
Speaker 1: making ourselves a little bit more uncomfortable now, this time
Speaker 1: not just with us but with kids. In told that
Speaker 1: definitely out of anxiety for me, because that was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what this is gonna look like us
Speaker 1: having this new environment. But it required us getting uncomfortable
Speaker 1: in that situation to then propel us to the next
Speaker 1: level and also understanding that, um, you're not going to
Speaker 1: be comfortable and it's okay, it's okay during this process
Speaker 1: to feel unsure, you know what I'm saying, but also
Speaker 1: have the mental fortitude to keep going even when you
Speaker 1: feel on shore, because I don't want people to feel
Speaker 1: like you know, Devot was so confident he knew exactly
Speaker 1: he's going to do. It was mad days we did
Speaker 1: not go. We're just like, what the hell is going on? Whatever?
Speaker 1: What is this trying to like reassess like, is this
Speaker 1: really my presfoss? Is this is really what I'm supposed
Speaker 1: to be doing because it shouldn't be this hard or
Speaker 1: it shouldn't take this long. Um, but you said it
Speaker 1: keep blazing to us. We're gonna tell you girl, key blazing.
Speaker 1: Keep it blazing. And if you like to be featured
Speaker 1: as one of our listener letters, be sure to email
Speaker 1: us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's
Speaker 1: D E A D A S S A d V
Speaker 1: I C E at gmail dot com. You are a
Speaker 1: moment of truth time. Did you want to go first first?
Speaker 1: I'll go first. Check this out. It's going to be
Speaker 1: super profound, all right. Black excellence doesn't have a black face.
Speaker 1: Oh bars, you see that. Black excellence doesn't a case,
Speaker 1: which means you don't have to look a certain way,
Speaker 1: act a certain way, talk a certain way, be a
Speaker 1: certain type of person to be considered black excellence. All
Speaker 1: you have to do is exist in excellence and whatever
Speaker 1: it is that's your life means to you, and just
Speaker 1: happen to be black in the process. I love that
Speaker 1: good stuff. Um. I think mine goes back to thinking
Speaker 1: about the kids, just because my mind is always on
Speaker 1: the kids. I wear my Raising Voice shirt here. UM
Speaker 1: is that I want to encourage all parents to really
Speaker 1: pay attention to and consciously parent so that you are
Speaker 1: aware of where your children's strengths lie, their weaknesses lie,
Speaker 1: their interests lie, so that way you can then better
Speaker 1: be a conduit for them to get to that next
Speaker 1: level of whatever it is. UM. I think far too
Speaker 1: many times sometimes parents are kind of um living vicariously
Speaker 1: two children, and they're implementing their own ways um on
Speaker 1: their children. And I think at the most what we
Speaker 1: should be doing is encouraging a sense of work ethic,
Speaker 1: a sense of discipline at the very least, so whatever
Speaker 1: it is that they decide to do, they'll be excellent
Speaker 1: at that. Yes, ma'am, all right, that was fine. I
Speaker 1: love you. I'm never gonna for good things and the
Speaker 1: handshakes excellence. That's a fact that. Yes, it's excellence, just expence,
Speaker 1: that's it. So be sure to follow us on social media.
Speaker 1: You'll dead asked the podcast on Instagram and I'm cadite,
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout. And if you're listening
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe, y'all. Yeah,
Speaker 1: M dead ass is a production of I Heart Media
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