Speaker 1: I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way,
Speaker 1: we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage
Speaker 1: you claim and give us time and a turman alingaye.
Speaker 2: We want to send you off inside.
Speaker 1: You wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it?
Speaker 1: We scared? Or was it fine?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do your need ride?
Speaker 4: Her ride.
Speaker 2: With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: This is Chris Fairbanks. I'm at Lax at eight pm
Speaker 2: on a Monday, incredibly crowded, one of the worst plates
Speaker 2: places on earth, the opposite of Disneyland.
Speaker 3: I am picking up Karen Kilgarriff.
Speaker 2: Who.
Speaker 3: Is supposed to be right here.
Speaker 2: I do not see her the Great Lakes sign. Huh
Speaker 2: oh there she is down there. Ways she was in Portland.
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about her trip to Portland. If
Speaker 2: this asshole Prius will move, you're not picking her up?
Speaker 3: I am, that's right. He It's almost like he heard me.
Speaker 3: Hello there, Sorry, I just have wardrobe and stuff. Is
Speaker 3: that okay? Totally okay? And then uh.
Speaker 2: When I say she has a lot of baggage. I'm
Speaker 2: not talking about old relationships. No, it's only two bags
Speaker 2: and a guitar.
Speaker 3: Hi, Karen, Hi, we were on the air.
Speaker 1: H oh Hi everybody.
Speaker 2: Boy hie Monday nights huh yeah. I think Mondays are
Speaker 2: a popular time to be arriving.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 3: Excuse me, everyone here just wants to be popular.
Speaker 1: How were you doing? How did you do hosting alone?
Speaker 3: I did? Okay? You mean right now? Yes, so far,
Speaker 3: it's been okay for about two minutes in.
Speaker 1: Did you get that feeling where you thought you might
Speaker 1: be going crazy?
Speaker 2: No, No, I've actually been pretty calm. Well, but then
Speaker 2: someone like him, it's okay. That's probably you got your toes.
Speaker 3: How they do it? Where he learned to drive? Where
Speaker 3: he learned to drive?
Speaker 2: He seems like he took based country base. I think
Speaker 2: it looks like he learned to drive in the Riverside area.
Speaker 2: So it's actually good regionalism. I hate to be regionalistic,
Speaker 2: but he reads Thank you, Kathy Kelly Kelly, Yes.
Speaker 1: The redhead. That's very strong alcoholic content.
Speaker 3: She really what's what's her morning show where she just
Speaker 3: drinks wine?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 3: That's Kathy Lee and Hoda and Hodah. Yeah, made popular
Speaker 3: by Star Wars. I loved I for some reason. I
Speaker 3: enjoy them. I didn't.
Speaker 1: I bet they don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3: They don't give It's the same reason I'm voting for Trump.
Speaker 3: He just kidding. Come on, come on wait?
Speaker 1: Did you see James the Domain and that guy who
Speaker 1: does Trump so done on it's crazy, No, looks nothing
Speaker 1: like him.
Speaker 3: Did they do like a debate?
Speaker 1: Yes, it was a fake debate at UCB, And people
Speaker 1: keep posting it on Twitter, and it's just it's as
Speaker 1: genius as you've seen James of domiin B. But then
Speaker 1: there's this other New York comic. I'm sorry, I can't
Speaker 1: remember his name. It's like it's very long. It seems
Speaker 1: like he's Greek or something.
Speaker 3: Kostaki Economopolis Nope.
Speaker 1: And and he does a Trump like, not the blowhard Trump,
Speaker 1: like the real, reasonable, smarmy Trump, and it's so funny.
Speaker 3: Oh that's great. So he's not going you're an idiot,
Speaker 3: he's not going that round.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's the like, it's the like, the quieter, nuanced.
Speaker 3: The presidential he tries.
Speaker 1: He tries to so reasonable.
Speaker 3: It's so funny. That sounds really great.
Speaker 1: What have you been doing.
Speaker 3: I've been Oh today, Uh visited a friend at the hospital.
Speaker 2: It was horrifying. We can talk about that off camera.
Speaker 2: We're on camera right, Yes, A note the go pro.
Speaker 2: I'm wearing my head so that was hard. It's uh
Speaker 2: maybe at the end talk about that because it would
Speaker 2: be neat if people donated to the GOFUND. But other
Speaker 2: than that, I didn't do much today. I did a
Speaker 2: podcast with Brendan Brendejo wallsh nice. Brendan coma Brendejo Walls
Speaker 2: or stage name. He goes by Brenda Hope because I
Speaker 2: think he's work at a kitchen and people called him Pendejo,
Speaker 2: which isn't I can't remember his joke, but he has
Speaker 2: a joke about pende Okay. I think it means the
Speaker 2: sucker of many Wieners.
Speaker 1: Or something great. But he goes kitchen humor.
Speaker 3: Like, oh, I I wish I hadn't said anything so far.
Speaker 1: Come on, what is that off of my judgmental? No?
Speaker 3: No, no, I will.
Speaker 2: It's it's me judging myself after everything I say, which
Speaker 2: is what I do, which is what we all did.
Speaker 3: I judge every day.
Speaker 2: I judge the idea to have a podcast that goes
Speaker 2: to the airport because it brings me grief.
Speaker 1: It is grief filled. We are constantly Greece Strodan. I
Speaker 1: listened to these episodes and then I go, why do
Speaker 1: I say yeah all the time? Why do I laugh constantly?
Speaker 1: Why this?
Speaker 3: Why that.
Speaker 1: Nice to me? Oh? Here's the thing.
Speaker 3: It's hard to get figure.
Speaker 1: Cares people like it. It's hard to figure that one
Speaker 1: it doesn't and it doesn't matter anymore is the worst part.
Speaker 3: Guess what, what's done. It's done.
Speaker 1: Let's live our goddamn lives and celebrate good times.
Speaker 3: Come on, wow, you came off that plane really positive.
Speaker 1: I had a great weekend because it was like vacation.
Speaker 1: But I was up in Portland at the All Jane
Speaker 1: women's comedy festivals.
Speaker 3: All Jane common no deck, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: It's just called All Jane.
Speaker 3: Oh good.
Speaker 1: That was like an early thing. And then they have
Speaker 1: to others a reason that you would drop that dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that it actually was named so. Stacy Halal
Speaker 1: is one of the girls that runs One of the
Speaker 1: Women I should say that really good, and she used
Speaker 1: to be in a two women's sketch show that was
Speaker 1: called that so they just thought it was okay. And
Speaker 1: then of course people don't like that.
Speaker 3: No, no men.
Speaker 2: You know's what's a new exciting thing is men defending
Speaker 2: being men.
Speaker 3: It's very fun listen to and as a man, makes
Speaker 3: me proud.
Speaker 1: I bet it does. Well, you know, we've all got
Speaker 1: to have we've got to talk about things people don't
Speaker 1: like talking. But eventually we're going to evolve so that
Speaker 1: we can have conversations where people want to change within
Speaker 1: it as opposed to scream down other people. Right right,
Speaker 1: I see that's going to be around twenty forty five.
Speaker 2: We will make changes just to change the conversations as
Speaker 2: we get sick of them. That's the reason for change,
Speaker 2: is to change the conversations about change.
Speaker 1: That's exactly right, because those changeful conversations are the most boring, right,
Speaker 1: this exact one.
Speaker 2: And if changing this conversation, which I will after this statement,
Speaker 2: oh well before.
Speaker 3: It brings okay, well before it concludes, I will conclude
Speaker 3: it for you.
Speaker 1: I will conclude it. Also known as interrupting. Uh what
Speaker 1: if can I just renounce.
Speaker 3: When I'm not interrupting you, I'm just concluding yourself.
Speaker 1: I decided you're done. That's really. I think that's why
Speaker 1: interrupting infuriates me so badly is the assumption that you
Speaker 1: think my speech is even halfway done, that it's time
Speaker 1: your time to talk, right, when in fact I will
Speaker 1: go for a solid three minute.
Speaker 3: I was just getting started.
Speaker 1: As they say they say in joe business.
Speaker 3: Yes, everything they say they say, like Carol Chin, they
Speaker 3: do it during the business of show.
Speaker 1: Joe business, everybody, that's where we come from.
Speaker 3: Carol, it's hard to do that.
Speaker 1: For you, it's very hard. And I've been a party
Speaker 1: style smoking all weekend saying smoking I sometimes when I
Speaker 1: want to party, and as we all have complained time
Speaker 1: and again to you that I can't drink. So some
Speaker 1: times partying will mean rolling my own cigarette and standing
Speaker 1: off like a French girl, not talking to people.
Speaker 2: That's my When you roll your own that's the best
Speaker 2: thing you can do, aside from just not doing it.
Speaker 2: Is because it makes it makes you work for it. Yes,
Speaker 2: it makes you look forward to it, and it makes
Speaker 2: you not smoke frivolously.
Speaker 1: True. Yeah, and it also is aging my face like
Speaker 1: a like a Greek fisherman from nineteen twenty five.
Speaker 3: Well, oh god, it's so hard to have that job
Speaker 3: in Greece, just.
Speaker 1: The Dermans of dress and cancer, not to mention all.
Speaker 2: The needless drowning because as most people know, Greek boats
Speaker 2: no guard rails.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, they are quite sloppy.
Speaker 3: They have to turn everything into extreme sport grease.
Speaker 1: No guardrail. Yeah, it's just these open ships. You wouldn't
Speaker 1: believe it.
Speaker 2: I want to change the conversation about Greek fishing, please God, God,
Speaker 2: to one about how was Portland it was?
Speaker 1: We should do that when we have guests be insanely
Speaker 1: sarcastic the entire time, and even if they start crying
Speaker 1: begging us to not talk that way, we should do it.
Speaker 3: Oh, I enjoy it.
Speaker 2: We need to have more episodes where we make people cry.
Speaker 2: Have we even come close?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't think we have.
Speaker 3: Oh, Todd Barry broke down.
Speaker 1: Did he missus crying? Todd Barry killed me to miss it.
Speaker 1: It killed me to miss it. No, we had a
Speaker 1: great time and there was tons of really good stand
Speaker 1: up comics there. I had a little bit of the
Speaker 1: snobby you know I'm from as you know, I'm from
Speaker 1: nineties stand up comedy, right, So back then you were allowed.
Speaker 1: This was before the Internet, you were allowed to have
Speaker 1: opinions about other people, and you were allowed to talk
Speaker 1: freely about them often, and instead of analyzing your own
Speaker 1: insecurity and issues with self worth, you were instead would
Speaker 1: go ahead and just rip other comics too.
Speaker 2: And if people are doing that less and less these
Speaker 2: days and some desperate attempt to be a mentally healthier
Speaker 2: is bullshit.
Speaker 1: It's a pathetic attempt to be grown up and to
Speaker 1: take responsibility and really just to focus on probably better
Speaker 1: things like your act or writing poy selfish things, selfish things.
Speaker 2: In the early nineties, people were less selfish. They talked
Speaker 2: more about other people, albeit negative.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was fun. Also it's also fun to talk
Speaker 3: talk badly about other people.
Speaker 1: It's fun just to talk.
Speaker 3: So I love it. Uh, we're we talking bad about.
Speaker 1: Oh no, this I when I go into any situation
Speaker 1: that's qualified in any way, and that's my usually my
Speaker 1: thing with all female shows or all female festivals, which
Speaker 1: I don't I've never heard of any before. This is
Speaker 1: the only one I know about. I really resent the
Speaker 1: qualification because I have raised myself up in my comedy
Speaker 1: life trying to not be qualified by my gender right. Uh,
Speaker 1: And because of that, I wear a lot of bootcuts, means,
Speaker 1: and I tell people fuck off in a loud voice.
Speaker 3: Okay, that's why you do those two.
Speaker 1: There's other reasons I could give them to you. You
Speaker 1: are also a cowboy, there's I mean, god, the list
Speaker 1: goes on. I'm a cowgirl. I raised my own goats
Speaker 1: to make goat cheese.
Speaker 3: Well that's what I don't like. Yeah, that when about me?
Speaker 3: This is about you.
Speaker 2: When you say this is an all female show, people
Speaker 2: like you, uh huh and everyone else will adjust their
Speaker 2: expectations to be okay, get ready for some astrogen.
Speaker 3: Yes, it's and I don't think it's fair.
Speaker 1: It's a weird. It's almost like you're putting people in
Speaker 1: the position. Well no, no, this is my judgment. I'm saying.
Speaker 1: It's like you're putting people in a position to choose
Speaker 1: to qualify you or say, oh, they're separated or not.
Speaker 1: You know, the word comedian applies to everybody. In my opinion,
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter anyway. I go there with a little
Speaker 1: bit of a oh, some of these people will have
Speaker 1: got in underfallse pretenses, or there's not that many of us.
Speaker 1: I was worried about the quality, is what I'm saying right,
Speaker 1: and I was so delighted by the fact that I was.
Speaker 1: There were so many great comics. It's that irony of like,
Speaker 1: don't worry about the quality of anybody else, worry about
Speaker 1: your own stuff. Because there was definitely a couple of
Speaker 1: times where I was like, I don't have enough hard jokes,
Speaker 1: I don't have enough new material. You had to do
Speaker 1: repeated sets, and I of course was doing a lot
Speaker 1: of those songs and some of my new one liners,
Speaker 1: but still not I like, there are people who have
Speaker 1: these huge amounts of material and they're so fun to
Speaker 1: watch and just great comics. Like I think the audiences
Speaker 1: were also really delighted. Yeah, and every show I was on,
Speaker 1: there'd be like seven person shows and just truly legitimately
Speaker 1: solid all the way through.
Speaker 2: Someone that stands out too that you knew was good,
Speaker 2: A and B. Someone that's knew that you didn't know
Speaker 2: about that kind of was great.
Speaker 1: Let's see, well, Heather Thompson, who is a comic around
Speaker 1: town and she does a lot of shows. She's kind
Speaker 1: of in that I would qualify her in that group
Speaker 1: or that class, the you know, freshman sophomore. They're actually
Speaker 1: I would call them sophomore juniors at this point. But
Speaker 1: in that group, I do shows with her on the
Speaker 1: same shows of Megan Keister and Barbara Gray and Alan
Speaker 1: Strickla Williams and that kind of clo A bunch of kids,
Speaker 1: the kids, but they're not kid kids. Yeah, they're there.
Speaker 1: They've been busting asked for a while and she's just
Speaker 1: The thing I really like about her is she's got
Speaker 1: this very distinct personality on stage and it's so hilarious
Speaker 1: like her, she's just truly being herself.
Speaker 2: I like how while she's talking it seems like she
Speaker 2: might break down into tears at any moment, yes, or
Speaker 2: that she's giggling.
Speaker 1: Also, it's giggling, but it's like is she going to
Speaker 1: start laughing and never stop or is it going to
Speaker 1: be like full on crying.
Speaker 3: And Yeah, watching her, it's like it seems like she's
Speaker 3: on the verge, yeah, the whole time of something. Yeah.
Speaker 1: But it's what I realize is that it's energy. It's
Speaker 1: like her getting up there and being vulnerable and being
Speaker 1: like this, I'm so nervous, this matters, but she's got
Speaker 1: the material to back it up, so there's never a
Speaker 1: pause of you being worried about your performance. She's just
Speaker 1: actually being so real. So it almost like double credits
Speaker 1: her when you're when she's done with the set and
Speaker 1: she's got all these great jokes and she's acted that nervous,
Speaker 1: you almost feel like you probably love her more, you know.
Speaker 1: It's that I've always seen her really kill and she
Speaker 1: was there.
Speaker 3: When I started.
Speaker 2: I thought being nervous and stammering and acting like I
Speaker 2: was uncomfortable would be my gimmick too, And you're just
Speaker 2: kind of for a while, I felt like I built
Speaker 2: up an obstacle for myself that made it harder.
Speaker 3: I didn't.
Speaker 2: No one ever told me go up there and be confident,
Speaker 2: like you're like you rule the stage. No one ever
Speaker 2: said that, because that's not how I'm I was raised.
Speaker 1: And also that's not how that's not real. Everybody knows
Speaker 1: that if you're on stage in front of her room
Speaker 1: full of people, you're nervous, right, So putting on some
Speaker 1: kind of like swinging your dick around persona, no one
Speaker 1: buys it. It makes it. It makes you look more nervous. Actually,
Speaker 1: it's when people are truly confident and know what they're doing,
Speaker 1: they can be as vulnerable as they want to be.
Speaker 1: That's the kind of power move.
Speaker 2: And when once I did for me, when I started
Speaker 2: becoming more confident, I would just drink tons of coffee
Speaker 2: to manufacture that nervous energy.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I feel so much coffee just so I'd
Speaker 3: be like, what am I doing? I don't know. That's
Speaker 3: my impression of other people doing an impression of me.
Speaker 1: But can you now do Howard Kramer doing that impression?
Speaker 3: Well, you know, death move Angel with Gaateboardau at the end.
Speaker 1: That was it. That was really nice mash up. That
Speaker 1: was really well done. The other the person that I
Speaker 1: was thrilled to watch every time she did a set,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: be able to remember her last name me. No, she
Speaker 1: wasn't there.
Speaker 3: I'm just showing off that I can pronounce it. But
Speaker 3: she is great.
Speaker 1: Could you do that again with more of a Spanish
Speaker 1: l in that?
Speaker 3: Were you trying to think of Melissa?
Speaker 1: Yes? I was, I know it wasn't. Yeah, I have
Speaker 1: to look up her. I have to look her up
Speaker 1: on Twitter. But her name is Naomi ekipe Can Ekipeka
Speaker 1: can or something. Okay, So sorry for just drawing your name.
Speaker 1: But she was on the second show I had to
Speaker 1: show at seven thirty, and then the second show that
Speaker 1: same night in the same club, Curious Comedy in Portland,
Speaker 1: which is a great such a fun comedy club, new theater.
Speaker 1: It's like an improv theater.
Speaker 3: Comedy club. Wat I want to go there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very fun. We should totally go there.
Speaker 2: Fun.
Speaker 1: So she was on the second show, headlining, and she
Speaker 1: was so goddamn hilarious, like the second and she writes
Speaker 1: for broad City. She's just really brilliant and it's just
Speaker 1: a you know, one of these up and coming stand
Speaker 1: ups from New York. So yeah, but there was tons
Speaker 1: of people that were like that. Amy Miller was on it.
Speaker 1: She's the girl that was just on last comic that
Speaker 1: made it to the finals. And it's also from Portland.
Speaker 1: Emily Maya Mills was on it. She actually asked if
Speaker 1: either of I you or I want to do the
Speaker 1: eleven o'clock show her show tonight.
Speaker 2: I have a show within walking distance of the airport.
Speaker 2: We're leaving no so I'm going to drop you off.
Speaker 3: And go to Oh my god, you're a goddamn scene Ponchos.
Speaker 3: It's a restaurant, but I do it a lot, and
Speaker 3: it's the guy's birthday, so I can't not do it.
Speaker 3: Oh okay, I cannot do it, but I'm not gonna
Speaker 3: not do it.
Speaker 1: I respect that I won't not do it.
Speaker 3: Good, Thank you good.
Speaker 1: No, that's the that's the way to be.
Speaker 2: I think we in the future should do Emily my
Speaker 2: meals this show. Yes, for sure, I pronounce her name.
Speaker 3: Much like.
Speaker 1: There's many women of ethnic women that you can really
Speaker 1: put a on their name, really think.
Speaker 3: For the sake of offending them or other people, huh,
Speaker 3: or just for fun.
Speaker 1: Having right in car fun having, which is our kind.
Speaker 3: That's we should have named the podcast then.
Speaker 1: In car fun having the car fun having said.
Speaker 3: Cavin parentheses Russian accent.
Speaker 2: Well, I yeah, anytime someone's in Portland, they're leaving for
Speaker 2: Portland or they come back, not the third one.
Speaker 3: I'm jealous because I do love it there. I love it.
Speaker 1: And the weather was so perfect. It was cloudy, it misted,
Speaker 1: it rained a tiny bit, but not that much. I
Speaker 1: got this Bill Murray purse.
Speaker 3: You got a Bill Murray purse.
Speaker 1: Can you see this ship?
Speaker 3: It's yeah, it looks like are you sure Tammer is
Speaker 3: a good guy from Narcos.
Speaker 1: I know, well it's this is his picture from when
Speaker 1: he was on Saturay Live only they made it made
Speaker 1: him look kind of like Hindu god with the blue face.
Speaker 3: That's such a cool Portland thing to get it is, right.
Speaker 1: And that and then phar real earrings where he's wearing
Speaker 1: his tall hat.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, his uh his bus boy hat. Yeah, he
Speaker 3: bell hop I.
Speaker 1: Think no, no, no, the other one that looks like
Speaker 1: Smoky Bear. Oh, okay, that crazy big hat.
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't know that I've seen it. I've just
Speaker 3: seen his bell hop fez.
Speaker 1: Oh no, this was old. This is from like three
Speaker 1: years ago. They had earrings there and also two Godzilla patches.
Speaker 1: I only needed one, but I literally bought the second
Speaker 1: one because I didn't want anyone else.
Speaker 3: Oh that's great, that's so funny.
Speaker 2: Are you gonna like put it on a vest and
Speaker 2: every time you do your love song to god Gozzilla
Speaker 2: wear your Godzilla best Oh that's a good idea.
Speaker 1: Or I'll probably leave it at the bottom of my
Speaker 1: junk or and never look at either of them again.
Speaker 3: You know what, That's what I would do with it, right.
Speaker 1: I mean it's a patch. I'm not I'm not fifteen.
Speaker 2: I am the only patches I've ever put on anything
Speaker 2: than nick Rette ones.
Speaker 3: And I didn't. I just put it on my backpack.
Speaker 1: You put it right on the mew of your jeans. Uh. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So anyway, i'd really it was just a fun time
Speaker 1: and I stayed. You know, I have a slight perversion
Speaker 1: of hotels. I mean, I just love being in a
Speaker 1: hotel room.
Speaker 3: Me too.
Speaker 1: It's the greatest.
Speaker 3: It's such a freedom. You don't have to do anything,
Speaker 3: no you have.
Speaker 1: It's usually sign there's no pressure you throw that do
Speaker 1: not disturb on the door, Sleep all day, sleep, listen
Speaker 1: to podcasts, lose all track of time and where you
Speaker 1: belong in space and what's going on in your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot of people think that's depression. No, I'm
Speaker 2: enjoying a hotel room.
Speaker 1: I love depression me too, if you use it right well.
Speaker 1: And also I was kind of using as like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm just getting my energy together for when I go
Speaker 1: do these shows and probably party after right, and literally
Speaker 1: every night at eleven I would go to Stacey'd be like,
Speaker 1: will you drive me back to my hotel?
Speaker 3: Like I never you never hunt.
Speaker 1: Well, I don't like I don't like it.
Speaker 2: It wasn't probably like in during the festival in Portland,
Speaker 2: there is a pressure and you think you're missing out
Speaker 2: if you don't go to the after party.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and after a few nights of that, I just
Speaker 3: couldn't anymore.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I'm a grown up, I cannot and I
Speaker 2: come early and then sure enough the next day you
Speaker 2: missed it, of course.
Speaker 1: Well, and also there's so much break Dan, there's so
Speaker 1: much drinking all day long, right that by the time
Speaker 1: you hit that after party, most people are completely shitfaced.
Speaker 1: And that's my only thing is I don't have any
Speaker 1: patience for drunk people because I'm so actively jealous of
Speaker 1: the position they're in that it just drives me truly insane.
Speaker 2: Well, even though even if I'm two hours from being
Speaker 2: able to have a drink myself, for whatever reason, I
Speaker 2: can't be around drunk people myself. I can't even I
Speaker 2: can't even have one hour's gap of empathy. Does that
Speaker 2: really make sense?
Speaker 1: Yes? It does, Like, even like you can't even three
Speaker 1: beers in no.
Speaker 2: I often there has been times where other people are
Speaker 2: intoxicated and I just start drinking myself.
Speaker 3: So I can stop hating them. Yes, that's bad. That's
Speaker 3: fear pressure.
Speaker 1: That's just that's an internal peer pressure of the there's
Speaker 1: a panel in your head that's not letting you accept
Speaker 1: the real moment.
Speaker 3: You think I had something to do with my childhood.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go back that far, Okay, I'd say. I'd
Speaker 1: say it was probably some mid two thousands. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: something what happened to you in the mid two thousands.
Speaker 3: Well, a lot of a lot of bad Texas traffic.
Speaker 1: Uh uh huh.
Speaker 2: Sometimes it would get so bad I'd just pull over
Speaker 2: and get a you know, a Tamali and whiskey.
Speaker 1: Oh, well, there it is. We've dug the root. Great, Well,
Speaker 1: then this problem solved.
Speaker 3: There's just one layer and then we were there.
Speaker 1: You know what, I feel like a lot of people
Speaker 1: could solve a lot of problems if they would just
Speaker 1: ask me first, just.
Speaker 3: A moment digging, with courtesy and help of Karen.
Speaker 1: Just own moments digging, and you will know. I'm clearly
Speaker 1: full of beans. I think I have been alone for
Speaker 1: you know, four hours.
Speaker 3: I guess.
Speaker 1: I'm full of beans.
Speaker 3: You mean you mean just silly empty stories.
Speaker 1: I guess so. And also I've been no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I won't fart in your car if I can help it.
Speaker 3: It's the reason you signed that paperwork.
Speaker 1: Because your least agreement is just that's a lynchpin element
Speaker 1: of that.
Speaker 2: If it weren't for Bank of America being the actual
Speaker 2: owners of this car, you can fart all.
Speaker 1: But the guy comes in for the far check with
Speaker 1: that white gloves.
Speaker 3: We're just gonna need to check the interior emissions, he.
Speaker 1: Says, he says, And then I go and he's like.
Speaker 3: And then he's all, and then I'm like, and then.
Speaker 1: He smog checks my ass. That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: Bull of beans, dipstick. I do notice that listening to
Speaker 1: other podcasts, it's probably just making me be show off
Speaker 1: here than normal, because I so enjoy just insane bullshit
Speaker 1: that other when other people are talking too loud to quiet.
Speaker 3: No, no, it's starting to get quiet. But that's okay.
Speaker 1: That's well, this is the part where I want us
Speaker 1: to pray.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, swallowing.
Speaker 1: Jesus, thank you. Let's do that more.
Speaker 3: Grass and three old man, along with all the things
Speaker 3: of baby like gold, gold and.
Speaker 1: Mirror, mir this space shuttle mirror No a cat.
Speaker 3: With a speech impediment near.
Speaker 2: Oh no, well, I get to go on Wednesday to
Speaker 2: a town that I like almost as much as Portland.
Speaker 3: Oh yes, but let me still do. Can you get
Speaker 3: what it's just because.
Speaker 1: They cannot guess?
Speaker 3: Sorry? Sorry, can I get Denver? No you cannot.
Speaker 1: I was gonna guess. Seattle.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1: Well club in Denver.
Speaker 3: I haven't quite cracked the old Seattle.
Speaker 1: I don't think they have like a big scene anymore,
Speaker 1: like these very.
Speaker 3: Much in a scene to big cracked there.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I get out of town cracker.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sorry, Rainy City. I well, I am doing a place.
Speaker 2: The main show is on Three Kings Tavern sweet oh yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: main stage, which brings the tavern that kind of negates
Speaker 2: that word. And it's like whoa multiple stages, Chris is doing. Well,
Speaker 2: Yes I'm doing And then it just another bunch of
Speaker 2: shows at the Deer Pile at Three Kings again at another.
Speaker 1: Place awesome in it.
Speaker 3: You know, I'll put them on my Twitter or whatever.
Speaker 3: But it's gonna be fun. I love that town.
Speaker 1: I love that town. And at the comics there are
Speaker 1: so good at stand up comedy, yeah, for real.
Speaker 3: And I get to work with probably all of them
Speaker 3: at some point.
Speaker 1: That's great. There's a guy whose name I won't remember
Speaker 1: that's really good that I hope you see.
Speaker 3: Oh well that's maybe enough to go on.
Speaker 1: No, his name, I think his first name is Aaron,
Speaker 1: and he was on the big show that that what's
Speaker 1: his name that I'm blocking out and dal headlines. Okay,
Speaker 1: he was the I think second first or second comic
Speaker 1: on that that Brody hosted. Okay, so I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess I'm describing all that in case someone else knows.
Speaker 1: But anyway, he was. He was a comic that you
Speaker 1: if he was on Conan tomorrow you would be like,
Speaker 1: hell yeah. But he's like a you know, probably a
Speaker 1: five year comic in den versusing Oh wow. I just
Speaker 1: think they're churning out the good ones.
Speaker 3: These really are. They have such a supportive scene and
Speaker 3: they are in charge of it.
Speaker 2: Yes, there's a couple of clubs there called Comedy Works,
Speaker 2: which I would love to be working there and thought
Speaker 2: I was going to be doing a set at But
Speaker 2: these these guys have a whole scene going on.
Speaker 3: With or without that club's help, which is pretty crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's amazing.
Speaker 2: Like the Comedy Festival there is great, and it doesn't
Speaker 2: even involve the comedy clubs that's healthy run by comedians
Speaker 2: scene that they have.
Speaker 1: It's very cool and it's like, uh, it's it felt big,
Speaker 1: but it also felt like quality. Like I don't remember
Speaker 1: ever seeing anybody that didn't really make me laugh. I
Speaker 1: just think that these days everybody being a stand up comic,
Speaker 1: Like at first when that was happening, it's like grumble, grumble,
Speaker 1: Not just anybody can be a stand up comic. And
Speaker 1: that's true, not just anybody, but like when you go
Speaker 1: to these cities and you see how what real support
Speaker 1: looks like as opposed to like in the nineties where
Speaker 1: I came up in San Francisco, there were three clubs
Speaker 1: and you had to like scrape and beg to get
Speaker 1: into any of them. And other than that, it were
Speaker 1: these crazy open mics andd like weird you know, bringer
Speaker 1: shows or whatever, like when you actually can do sets
Speaker 1: and there's people there that you can watch and learn
Speaker 1: how to do bad When am.
Speaker 2: I talking, No, it's great and it's weird because I
Speaker 2: used I think I've lost my mind.
Speaker 1: What was I talking about? I was explaining like the
Speaker 1: evolution of stand up comedy to today. Shut up. Ah
Speaker 1: fuck all the people.
Speaker 3: They used to make it grumble. Now they make him learn.
Speaker 1: Now they make you bumble.
Speaker 3: We used to make is grumble, used to make us bumble.
Speaker 3: We'll be right back.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen, and we're back
Speaker 1: and hello again.
Speaker 2: The last time I was on this freeway, I had
Speaker 2: to work on a show I've been doing stuff for
Speaker 2: and it I left. I was supposed to be there
Speaker 2: at three, but I thought, well, i'll leave way early
Speaker 2: and help out with some things.
Speaker 1: And I left at one and I two hours together.
Speaker 3: I got there in two and a half hours.
Speaker 2: No, there this this freeway, and you were in Portland
Speaker 2: during this This freeway was at a standstill, to the
Speaker 2: point where people had gotten out of their cars and
Speaker 2: they were standing next to their cars stretching.
Speaker 1: That's my fear.
Speaker 3: And it was scared.
Speaker 1: It was.
Speaker 2: It looked like walking dead or something. Once I managed
Speaker 2: to honk, I had to honk and say please let
Speaker 2: me through, and I pretended to be pregnant. I think that,
Speaker 2: and I just rubbing my belly like please please.
Speaker 1: Please let the man who's jerking off getting through, please.
Speaker 3: Well, yes, I am doing that. Hand gesture, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Why you've never been pregnant. You don't know.
Speaker 3: I was saying, I want to get someone pregnant, and
Speaker 3: they pulled out of the way.
Speaker 1: That's when they really pull over.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they were really understanding it.
Speaker 1: All pro life people on the freeway that night and
Speaker 1: the way I like it.
Speaker 2: And then so I got on the one thirty four
Speaker 2: which crosses over the one oh one and look down
Speaker 2: and cars were yes, bumper to mumper and stopped, but
Speaker 2: there were some that were sideways and diagonal that were
Speaker 2: trying to get out and cars at no point were moving,
Speaker 2: so people walking around and then cars staggered, so it
Speaker 2: looked just like walking dead. That's it was horrifying. And
Speaker 2: it was all because some selfish fuck was what, Donnie
Speaker 2: is gonna kill himself and they laid down a big
Speaker 2: old pillow for him to land on.
Speaker 1: Oh that's fun.
Speaker 3: Oh and then he had second thoughts for a couple hours.
Speaker 1: And he didn't jump the pillow.
Speaker 3: No, they talked him out of it.
Speaker 1: Actually did Johnny Knots will ever come out and try
Speaker 1: to convince him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well that's all like what I needed. He is
Speaker 3: so persuasive. I do not know what you're talking about,
Speaker 3: though I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't either. It just sounds like something like a
Speaker 1: prank thinger, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: All right, Yeah, yeah, I made We.
Speaker 1: Made Steveville get up on this overpaus and pretend he
Speaker 1: was suicidal.
Speaker 2: It's it seemed like it was a prank and all
Speaker 2: day it affected traffic for hours after. This is this
Speaker 2: domino effect or maybe there's a better example. I think dominoes.
Speaker 1: Dominoes. Well, people were tweeting pictures of their street, the
Speaker 1: cars on the streets outside their house, because of course
Speaker 1: everyone was just getting off wherever they were on the
Speaker 1: freeway probably yeah, so side streets were just passed.
Speaker 3: So you knew about this.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, people were tweeting about it. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm a digit to Twitter.
Speaker 3: It was unbelievable. I eventually had to get off, go
Speaker 3: under the free go up into the mountains.
Speaker 2: I just went up in the mountains just so I
Speaker 2: was moving and I was up there in those houses
Speaker 2: just trying to get back down, and eventually got and
Speaker 2: then we hung out after we worked into the night
Speaker 2: because traffic never got it was.
Speaker 1: So yeah, you can't just stop the one on one
Speaker 1: that's it.
Speaker 3: No, and it was just one guy and he didn't.
Speaker 2: You know, when you're in traffic and you you want
Speaker 2: an answer, of course you don't, of course want I
Speaker 2: jokingly say, there better be bodies up ahead.
Speaker 3: I don't want that, of course.
Speaker 2: I want there to be at least a tire or
Speaker 2: or some answer. There was never it was just cars
Speaker 2: forever and then footage of some guy I guess by
Speaker 2: the Hollywood Bowl.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 1: See nobody tweeted the picture of the big pillow, and
Speaker 1: I think that's like, guys, tell the whole story. That's
Speaker 1: what I need to know about a huge pillow. Well,
Speaker 1: I would have loved if there was a sinkhole.
Speaker 3: I think that even media got it wrong. I would
Speaker 3: love it if there's a sinkhole with steam.
Speaker 1: Coming out of it, steam and then like people accidentally
Speaker 1: just driving straight into it.
Speaker 3: Hey, get out of here, you guys, we're just demons.
Speaker 3: We live here. I think that this something so similar
Speaker 3: to this. Should I stand on the one to one
Speaker 3: or go all the way over? Okay?
Speaker 2: I think something so similar happened like one year ago
Speaker 2: where a guy was on and overpass.
Speaker 3: He was trying to commit suicide. They laid a big
Speaker 3: pillow out for him. People thought this.
Speaker 2: They were just tweeting or searching the keywords and that
Speaker 2: was coming up and they were reposting those photos, so
Speaker 2: there was confusion. So maybe they didn't lay down a
Speaker 2: big pillow for this guy this year. But oh, I
Speaker 2: hope it just becomes a holiday on where no one
Speaker 2: ever goes through with it.
Speaker 1: But like I remember having, that was one nightmare I
Speaker 1: would have every once in a while, was trying to
Speaker 1: leave a city that everyone was trying to get out
Speaker 1: of and being stuck in traffic. That's to me, that's
Speaker 1: very nightmarish.
Speaker 2: Very and I think about it all the time because
Speaker 2: where I live by the beach, there are these tsunami
Speaker 2: warning signs with an arrow that just points vaguely away
Speaker 2: from the ocean.
Speaker 3: Think, that's that's all I need to know.
Speaker 1: That's clear. Thank you.
Speaker 2: So everyone, if and when that happens and an alarm
Speaker 2: goes off, everyone's going to get in their cars.
Speaker 1: Not me.
Speaker 2: Me and my roommate are going to run across the street, okay,
Speaker 2: get into the Hilton elevator to the top where we
Speaker 2: know there to be a helicopter pad and food for days.
Speaker 2: I'm not getting in my car. I'm gonna watch my
Speaker 2: hand to float away.
Speaker 1: Hold on a second. Did you squirrel food for days away? Up? There? No?
Speaker 3: No, but they'll have some and I'll steal it. Oh.
Speaker 3: I see.
Speaker 2: Once there's a tsunami or any kind of catastrophe, that's
Speaker 2: when you can start looting immediately.
Speaker 1: True. I agree.
Speaker 2: And if it's just going to be Continental back breakfast,
Speaker 2: it's not like I'm going to get a widescreen TV.
Speaker 1: No, you're just you just have like seven tiny boxes
Speaker 1: of frog. That's not really losing.
Speaker 3: Sorry. Yes, I know it's against the law, but I'm hungry.
Speaker 1: But it's great.
Speaker 3: I know it's against the law, but they're.
Speaker 1: Great. I would say that's the That's the My trademark
Speaker 1: in comedy is I always get it just a tiny,
Speaker 1: tiny bit wrong, like I said, it's great, instead of
Speaker 1: they're great. Oh yeah, I'm really mad right now about that.
Speaker 3: You and me. Oh, because I knew it and you
Speaker 3: didn't know.
Speaker 1: Yah, I'm jealous.
Speaker 3: I grew up on TV. That's one of those shows
Speaker 3: I'm doing in Denver.
Speaker 2: It's called Comedy and Cartoons, and it's so fun because
Speaker 2: you misstery science.
Speaker 3: Theater style comment on these video contrape that this guy
Speaker 3: has and you.
Speaker 2: Know, maybe they were during a Christmas special or something,
Speaker 2: but you just watch the the commercials and they are
Speaker 2: commercials for cartoons, for toys and for Cereal from exactly
Speaker 2: our era, like and you're supposed to come. I was
Speaker 2: just I had all the jingles memorized. We're in the
Speaker 2: money with a scholarship from crest.
Speaker 3: Or, like all the I knew all of them, and
Speaker 3: people were like, why do you know this?
Speaker 5: And it's because I'm forty and so's the guy that
Speaker 5: made this day and I was raised on television every
Speaker 5: every you know connect for can I play?
Speaker 2: Like? There's all these and I know that there are
Speaker 2: recesses to one's brain because and I don't mean a
Speaker 2: break from school, I mean like crevasses, yes, where you
Speaker 2: store the most worthless of information and maybe even god,
Speaker 2: I hope algebra and stuff like that that I sure
Speaker 2: because or Spanish or And once you watched those, it
Speaker 2: was so amazing how I knew all of these commercials.
Speaker 1: Can I do my favorite jingle that's stuck in my
Speaker 1: head forever? Yes, Now there's an American car that's exactly
Speaker 1: what you've been looking for Taurus. Now there's an American
Speaker 1: car that's everything something. Torus are.
Speaker 3: Rust Have you driven a Ford lately? Mm hmm I
Speaker 3: know that one too.
Speaker 1: That's a great one and no one else knows it.
Speaker 1: Every once in a while I'll do it and I
Speaker 1: give everybody finger guns and I sing it Taurus.
Speaker 3: Do you remember the Ford Aerostar?
Speaker 2: So it was less involved, but it just it just
Speaker 2: went up Aerostar, Aerostar. I don't know we had a promotion. Yeah, well,
Speaker 2: it's just the scenes of it driving no, no, no,
Speaker 2: a Rowstar Aerostar.
Speaker 1: It's a car by for.
Speaker 4: Hi'm Sally kirkl and Kellerman. You are hidden by the
Speaker 4: ramshill over the console of a family wagon.
Speaker 1: Wait did you say Sally Kellerman?
Speaker 3: Sally kirk I don't remember.
Speaker 1: Kellerman's the right one, isn't it? Remember we did, Sally
Speaker 1: Kirkland when we talked about it one.
Speaker 3: Not only do we repeat ourselves, we repeat the same mistakes.
Speaker 1: God bless these assholes.
Speaker 3: Well we're at your place. Yeah, I mean, what do
Speaker 3: you want to do?
Speaker 1: We have enough time? What's our time look like? We
Speaker 1: like at like forty or tell us, let's tri around
Speaker 1: a tiny bit more Okay, give the people what they're
Speaker 1: looking for, which is babbling. Oh wait, can you think
Speaker 1: of another one?
Speaker 3: Let's see.
Speaker 1: Uh what about introducing diet coke? You're gonna drink it
Speaker 1: just for the taste of it?
Speaker 3: WHOA remember that? I don't know that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was there when they invented te coke when it
Speaker 1: was a brand new thing, and they were actually trying
Speaker 1: to sell it like you would drink it just because
Speaker 1: it tasted good. When diet coke tastes like it's it's
Speaker 1: like old uh caramel sauce that's been soaked in nickels.
Speaker 1: It's terrible. It tastes like cancer itself. It is.
Speaker 3: It's a cancer causing carcinogen and.
Speaker 1: A can it continuously cancer sizing us?
Speaker 3: And the only time I ever have had it is
Speaker 3: at my grandma's house.
Speaker 1: Uh that on the beverages? Was your grandma? Oh?
Speaker 3: Yes? She was not good with anything that you put
Speaker 3: in your mouth. It sounds wrong preparing food?
Speaker 1: Was she?
Speaker 2: One time she made pizza for us and she had
Speaker 2: done some things to it, like diced up some olives,
Speaker 2: and I think, and if I'm not mistaken, crumbled saltines
Speaker 2: on top of it and I don't know why, but
Speaker 2: another dish saltine based, was just stewed tomatoes in a
Speaker 2: base of crumbled saltines.
Speaker 3: And once a pizza came out.
Speaker 2: Man, we were excited because we're like, finely, something normal
Speaker 2: that she could not have fucked up. And under the
Speaker 2: crust was baked into the crust the cardboard that comes
Speaker 2: with the pizza, corrugated.
Speaker 3: Base of cardboard underneath the crust.
Speaker 2: Oh no, it was crispy enough to do the roller
Speaker 2: cutter right through it and deliver cardboard.
Speaker 3: Indian Or did you eat it?
Speaker 2: Yeah, little wad took a couple of bites until I realized,
Speaker 2: you know, some of this pizzas and.
Speaker 1: Food, Grandmama, dear grandmama.
Speaker 3: Grandamma, this is corrugated paper product.
Speaker 1: Grandmama, you're trying to poison us on the shoe, Grandama.
Speaker 2: And then her mom, my great grandma one time, and
Speaker 2: it was I think, to be fair, it's like her
Speaker 2: ninety second birthday.
Speaker 1: Yeah, great grandma. And anecdotes don't usually fly because it's
Speaker 1: like they shouldn't be there.
Speaker 2: Well, this is it's the way she dealt with it was,
Speaker 2: which is like a young person would she she was
Speaker 2: making coals law and drop the mayonnaise jar on top
Speaker 2: on the lid before she had opened it.
Speaker 3: And then and you've just did it anyway, just like
Speaker 3: took it off.
Speaker 2: It was all in there she made. And then as
Speaker 2: we ate this coal slaw I did, the corner of
Speaker 2: my dad's mouth was bleeding. I pulled out a pretty
Speaker 2: decent round shard from out of my mouth.
Speaker 3: I think my mom swallowed some.
Speaker 2: There was just broken, and we were like, there's still glass,
Speaker 2: and she's like, oh, just eat around it.
Speaker 3: I dropped the jar, So we really did. I think
Speaker 3: we were hungry enough to where we hadn't eat all day.
Speaker 3: We just ate around the glass.
Speaker 2: Do you know one shard of glass can just work
Speaker 2: its way through your system and cut your ribbons.
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: You really should not eat any glass.
Speaker 2: No, even the smallest amount that a grandma says you
Speaker 2: can eat.
Speaker 3: No, I should not even have that.
Speaker 1: Grandma doesn't know shit grinding up glasses the way people
Speaker 1: kill other people that I've seen on a lot of
Speaker 1: I Identify Discovery network.
Speaker 3: Yes, she didn't watch any of those Discovery ID networks.
Speaker 1: Investigation, diver Investigation, Discovery, Discovery of Glass in your food.
Speaker 6: My sister wanted to blow dry her hair, and she
Speaker 6: pulled out this old hair dryer that was the first
Speaker 6: hair dryer ever invented, and my sister plugged it in
Speaker 6: and turned it on and a hot on fire bug
Speaker 6: like with giant.
Speaker 2: Oversized grasshopper legs burnt and landing her hair.
Speaker 3: Just crispy bug legs, and she screamed and ran and
Speaker 3: I think slipped and fell. It was just the funniest cartoon.
Speaker 1: That is good stuff.
Speaker 3: I love that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1: That's genius. Ah, it makes me think that it's not
Speaker 1: as funny. It makes me big of my friend, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you know cg Arabia, my old.
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course I met you guys together when I
Speaker 3: visited here.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we used to. We used to roll pretty tight.
Speaker 1: She has a sister named Julia, and when they were
Speaker 1: in high school, Julia went to flip her hair forward
Speaker 1: to blow dry her hair and just slammed her own
Speaker 1: head down.
Speaker 3: On the.
Speaker 1: On the bathroom counter. I think about it every time
Speaker 1: I do anything in the bathroom. I think about her.
Speaker 1: You know how girls in the.
Speaker 7: Eighties did that where they would flip their hair forward,
Speaker 7: and they like all those styles and you had to
Speaker 7: have the biggest hair possible. Yeah, So there was a
Speaker 7: lot of flipping of hair forward, and she just with
Speaker 7: full force and velocity, slammed her own head on the
Speaker 7: down onto the bathroom.
Speaker 2: Saying the best one things like that, no one else
Speaker 2: is intervening, and it's all you doing it for yourself.
Speaker 2: Like if someone from a distance saw it would just
Speaker 2: look like one of those Jim Carrey things where you're
Speaker 2: beating yourself up.
Speaker 1: Which is what happened to me that time. I'm positive
Speaker 1: I've told you this, But the time I started to
Speaker 1: fall down, I was walking to the bank and it's
Speaker 1: this weird little brick pathway that's a little bit curved
Speaker 1: as you go, and I tripped on the last step
Speaker 1: and started to fall down, but kept walking and trying
Speaker 1: to get back up. So I was falling for easily,
Speaker 1: like five full steps, like halfway down and totally over
Speaker 1: my ball, over my legs, and I kept thinking in
Speaker 1: my head, whoever is seeing this is the luckiest person
Speaker 1: in the world, because this looks ridiculous. And I finally
Speaker 1: bit it like five steps later, like tried and tried
Speaker 1: to stay up.
Speaker 3: Oh I would have to see that, and acted out.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean, if you're willing to.
Speaker 1: Do it once, I think you have to put down
Speaker 1: a big pillow for me. Okay, I'll do it off
Speaker 1: the overpubs.
Speaker 3: There's one.
Speaker 2: Have you ever had ivory? Ivory hand soap is specifically
Speaker 2: and just ivory soap.
Speaker 3: In general is I don't know, it's it's the kind
Speaker 3: I used to use.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's pretty powerful and it smells like whoa, you
Speaker 2: don't want to ingest this or but it's not like
Speaker 2: life Boid or one of those fifty soaps.
Speaker 3: But it's pretty intense. Well, they may be.
Speaker 2: They made it in liquid form, and my mom was
Speaker 2: in the house, but I was washing my hands by myself,
Speaker 2: which I learned very young to how to do.
Speaker 3: I was gifted.
Speaker 2: And it had, you know, it had coagulated at the
Speaker 2: tip of the pump and I squirted it and it
Speaker 2: squirt it soap directly into my eye.
Speaker 3: Oh, my open eye. I did not there was no
Speaker 3: way of even knowing.
Speaker 2: Oh, it aimed at my hand, squirt ranged my eyeball,
Speaker 2: coating my eye, and it hurt so bad.
Speaker 3: I just immediately went to run and scream.
Speaker 2: And then I slipped on the bath mat and hit
Speaker 2: my head so hard that it was soap in my
Speaker 2: eye and hit my head and that taste of iron,
Speaker 2: taste of blood.
Speaker 3: In my mouth, and I just we just laughed.
Speaker 2: My mom came in and laughed, and I think I
Speaker 2: was mad, but I was laughing because I knew how
Speaker 2: that would look.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, because she heard me screaming and then
Speaker 3: just gave it. And then I find my feet in
Speaker 3: the air. It's the best.
Speaker 1: Now in my house. If you did that. And my
Speaker 1: dad was the one that came in, you go, YoY, hey,
Speaker 1: you gotta be careful. When my dad, when we would
Speaker 1: get hurt, he would get really mad at us. And
Speaker 1: finally my mom went to I was like crying at
Speaker 1: like whatever I had done. Oh, it was probably the
Speaker 1: time I almost got hit by a car. But guys,
Speaker 1: I was showing everybody that I could ride my bike
Speaker 1: or through our driveway, and then the neighbors across the
Speaker 1: street were doing like a big loop to show everybody,
Speaker 1: and I couldn't hear that there was a car racing
Speaker 1: up our street. So my parents and their friends and
Speaker 1: their friends' parents that were visiting from out of town
Speaker 1: all stood there waiting to watch me either get hit
Speaker 1: or not get hit by a car because I was
Speaker 1: across the street like they they couldn't do anything about it.
Speaker 1: So as I crossed, and it went like one two,
Speaker 1: like the car went and I went, or vice versa.
Speaker 1: I can't remember which one, and then I went. I
Speaker 1: didn't It's like I didn't even see the car. It
Speaker 1: went so fast. And I pulled into the driveway and
Speaker 1: my dad just picked me up off my bike and
Speaker 1: slapped my ass because and I was really mad. And
Speaker 1: then my mom was like, it scared him very badly.
Speaker 1: He was shitting a brick.
Speaker 3: Oh, that's so funny.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so of course he literally would add insult
Speaker 2: injury or an injury to an insulting.
Speaker 3: Car almost killing you.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know the car was there. I was
Speaker 1: just like Dad embarrassed me, and my mom was like,
Speaker 1: you almost got killed in front of him. Oh, and
Speaker 1: that well, it wasn't a They didn't really spank, but
Speaker 1: it was just a kind of swat of like, god,
Speaker 1: damn it.
Speaker 2: Avoid your neighbor's passive aggressive neighbor has a we probably
Speaker 2: gets a sharp white rock in the corner of his lawn.
Speaker 2: So you get punished if you drive on his grass
Speaker 2: by your tire getting pop.
Speaker 3: Or your car.
Speaker 1: Well, my extra neighbor is he should have a reality
Speaker 1: show made about him, like Radley kind of. Uh I
Speaker 1: wish he was. No, he's well, he's got crazy eyes.
Speaker 1: He looks like someone yelled boo at him, that's for sure.
Speaker 3: And he's still scared.
Speaker 1: He's got crazy eyes. And when my dad found out,
Speaker 1: so I used to talk shit about my neighbor to
Speaker 1: my dad all the time, he'd always be like I
Speaker 1: was chuck doing. I'd be like, he's had an arsenal
Speaker 1: of guns in the back of his house. Really, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: this guy has got PETE went over there one day
Speaker 1: because they had to. He had to help him with something,
Speaker 1: and the whole back like where my I have a garage,
Speaker 1: he's got a room filled with guns.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, that's horrifying.
Speaker 1: But I'm not scared because, uh, well, either I'll die
Speaker 1: immediately or he's gonna protect us from whatever thing he
Speaker 1: thinks is coming. I feel very.
Speaker 2: Safe actually something if something happens, zombies or something real, yes,
Speaker 2: can I come here and then he can give us
Speaker 2: a because I don't even know how to hold a gun.
Speaker 2: I was raised that way, but I think, if shit's
Speaker 2: going on, I want to quickly be one of those
Speaker 2: guys like in a movie.
Speaker 3: That's just so I could get used to this totally.
Speaker 3: Like all of a sudden, that was a gun. It
Speaker 3: sounds like he just breathing out my nose, But that
Speaker 3: was rapid machine. That was an oozy.
Speaker 1: It will be like dawn, we're suddenly we're just boys
Speaker 1: on the high school football team. Suddenly we're defending our
Speaker 1: whole town against Russians.
Speaker 2: Our How much did it scare you watching that? When
Speaker 2: because I'd never seen a movie where they were shooting
Speaker 2: high school kids before. Yes, and then it's so horrifying
Speaker 2: when you're a kid and you watch that. Never gets
Speaker 2: scared of Russians. We were raised to be scared of Russia. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we were raised to hide under our desks because of Russians.
Speaker 2: And then there's this movie where they parachute down shoot
Speaker 2: up at school and there's kids hanging out the windows.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that was the scared.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not talking about you know, it's this
Speaker 2: is danger because that actually happens, but it's domestic.
Speaker 1: In our day, it didn't happen. No, And in our day,
Speaker 1: kids didn't shoot up schools. So Russians coming to shoot
Speaker 1: up schools was fun.
Speaker 2: Crazy people talking about war. That was like grandma and
Speaker 2: Grandpa's stuff. And then all of a sudden, there's a
Speaker 2: movie where they kill a bunch of kids, and I
Speaker 2: was like, I'm scared of Russians too.
Speaker 3: I almost didn't enjoy a cup spear Enoff till his
Speaker 3: third album.
Speaker 1: That's the reason Rakoffs Muirnoff was introduced to this country
Speaker 1: was to turn down the effects of the cold. I
Speaker 1: remember people.
Speaker 3: Down and there were Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson.
Speaker 2: Was my first seeing a Russian be a positive person,
Speaker 2: and like there he was the first happy Russian we
Speaker 2: were ever introduced to.
Speaker 3: And that's wrong, you know.
Speaker 1: Well, also, you know what's wrong the fact that kids
Speaker 1: watched that movie because I also watched that movie in
Speaker 1: the theater and it was so gd boring. I was like,
Speaker 1: why am I here? This is not for me.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: The rest that is them like drinking deer blood and
Speaker 2: you know, I'll just wait what Patrick Swayze and it's worst.
Speaker 3: Are you talking about Moscow on the Hudson Red Dawn?
Speaker 1: I was talking about Moscow? Okay, Yeah, which I saw
Speaker 1: in the theater when I was like twelve, just.
Speaker 2: Kim with a shirt off, playing saxophone on a stoop
Speaker 2: like that's all I am.
Speaker 3: Remember.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was so New York. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah
Speaker 1: yeah see but uh yeah that was.
Speaker 3: And that was Russia. No.
Speaker 2: If you listen to Iced Teas podcast, and you should,
Speaker 2: he'll be like, yeah, have.
Speaker 3: You seen that that new movie Unbreakable? But yeah, it
Speaker 3: was good. I liked it. Yeah, that guy's a good actor. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And then nice Tea goes, well, that was movies, like
Speaker 2: he breaks it all down into categories.
Speaker 3: And it's just the best.
Speaker 1: We should we rip that off?
Speaker 3: Yes, I think we should.
Speaker 2: We have to have some kind of structure, and we
Speaker 2: did willy nilly giggle, babbled, giggle the whole time.
Speaker 3: That's not we don't even have a commercial this time.
Speaker 1: Oh fuck, you know what. We can't say a large
Speaker 1: march I can say hi to. I'm gonna say her
Speaker 1: name was one of the follow Zena, Mira Mina, uhs Sarah,
Speaker 1: a Portland girl named Zara. We have a fan in
Speaker 1: Portland who introduced herself to me, uh and that I
Speaker 1: love your podcast and I get so excited when people
Speaker 1: say that I can't remember, I can't remember. She was
Speaker 1: everybody Hi zena high if it's you high, and then
Speaker 1: if it's somebody else that I that she's like, my
Speaker 1: name is fucking Marjorie Karen. But which is very possible.
Speaker 1: But everybody in Portland has cute clothes and interesting haircut,
Speaker 1: nice glasses. Frames. Uh. They all look like they're interested
Speaker 1: in things and are living their best lives. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: a lot of them look alike. I met a lot
Speaker 1: of girls who I was like, you're cool, You're my
Speaker 1: kind of girl. Heye, cool girl. And then it was like,
Speaker 1: that's all the girls.
Speaker 3: That I metirls.
Speaker 1: And my kind of clothes, Bill Murray purses. Come on,
Speaker 1: do we have any other anybody else to think?
Speaker 3: We? Who do we have to think? We?
Speaker 2: I mean, we could go through. I just thank you
Speaker 2: for everyone being paid. Sometimes we meet Today, I put
Speaker 2: up an old episode.
Speaker 1: We're gonna oh this is for next week.
Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, but I wanted people to listen to the Eddie.
Speaker 1: They don't want to though they want new I know.
Speaker 3: But it's better than nothing, is what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That's very true.
Speaker 3: Complaint. Now I'm mad.
Speaker 1: It's just that I'm mad. No, no, I'm mad.
Speaker 2: Every once in a while, we can't do an episode. Okay,
Speaker 2: Karen was gone, so I'll be gone next weekend. So
Speaker 2: we're going to use this one.
Speaker 1: Oh perfect. Oh then that's great. Yeah, so that works
Speaker 1: out good. You know what, then, thank you for your patience.
Speaker 1: I understand, as an active podcast listener myself, when you
Speaker 1: want the new, you want the new because you want
Speaker 1: your people in your head. I know that feeling.
Speaker 2: But as you know, it could like in your lives,
Speaker 2: things pop up, things happen the day.
Speaker 3: It's not you know they there's obstacles in life.
Speaker 1: I cannot manage. Are you the person that called me
Speaker 1: from Inglewood? No I got a call? No, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I in my mind I immediately pictured you. Something happened
Speaker 1: in your car and you were calling me from a
Speaker 1: dirty payphone.
Speaker 3: Oh no, no, no, no, I never use those.
Speaker 1: Okay, I can't remember what what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Anyway, Well, after you listen to this episode, all you
Speaker 2: drive heads out there, ride heads.
Speaker 3: Ride heads.
Speaker 1: No, it's too late as the drive heads.
Speaker 3: Okay, all you drive heads out there listening to do
Speaker 3: you need a drive? Good iTunes? Give us a good rating.
Speaker 3: Oh it means big business.
Speaker 1: Tell people that you think might be this isn't like
Speaker 1: tell people you think like the same comedy as you
Speaker 1: try to find people like say in your office who
Speaker 1: seem unhappy. Yeah, go to them and say, do you
Speaker 1: ever listen to podcasts? You might want to try this
Speaker 1: one where these two people gaggle babble yeah, google baggle
Speaker 1: yeah the whole time and bullshit in a car. It'll
Speaker 1: make you feel good.
Speaker 2: I did a podcast today that's more for dudes. I
Speaker 2: think the Bone Zone and but man, did we have fun.
Speaker 2: And it's also on All Things Comedy. We did this
Speaker 2: thing called the rant Zone where they play metal. Then
Speaker 2: we go you know what's really and we kept doing
Speaker 2: it and then Randy like he would turn on the
Speaker 2: music anyway, that'll be.
Speaker 1: Out when I love the bones.
Speaker 2: Listen to this and then listen to the Bone Zone
Speaker 2: for a boy talk because we talk about balls and wianers.
Speaker 1: Yeah everything, that's the stuff you really need. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: the stuff that hasn't been discussed yet. Balls, wieners, where
Speaker 1: they need to go, that's where they shouldn't go. All
Speaker 1: of it. Yeah, let's put it on the table.
Speaker 3: Put our balls on the table.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's actually a great Norman Lear quote.
Speaker 3: It is a lot of people get credit for it,
Speaker 3: but that was Norman Lear.
Speaker 1: It was normally saying, put put your balls and wieners
Speaker 1: on the table please before dinner. All right, I guess
Speaker 1: I should go in there, look at my dogs.
Speaker 3: Are looking at dark contos and do a comedy show.
Speaker 1: So have fun. What can you just real quick run
Speaker 1: through your set real.
Speaker 2: Quick, I'm going to do I've been depressed. Breakfast in
Speaker 2: bad is depressing? How am I going to Then I'll
Speaker 2: do my funeral stuff. And then at the end I
Speaker 2: was thinking of doing this thing where I pretend to
Speaker 2: kill myself.
Speaker 3: Stay, I never know what I'm.
Speaker 1: Doing yet, Nick, Breakfast and bed is one of my
Speaker 1: favorite jokes ever.
Speaker 3: Oh thanks, Yeah, I can't find one to be as
Speaker 3: good as it yet.
Speaker 1: But that's what you aim for, you, that's what you
Speaker 1: aim to give me something to aim for.
Speaker 3: And today, yeah, I visit a friend of mine.
Speaker 2: There's a GoFundMe for my friend Andy Ritchie, who's having
Speaker 2: brain cancer and he's also having some surgeries. I will
Speaker 2: post a link to that gofund me on my Facebook
Speaker 2: and Twitter. I think are the best ways to do it.
Speaker 2: But uh, but look for that after you hear this,
Speaker 2: and and donate if you can, because he's a sweet guy.
Speaker 1: And a lot of and a lot of people get
Speaker 1: caught out. Nobody expects it when like catastrophic illness hits
Speaker 1: and then you if you don't have insurance at the
Speaker 1: time or a gig or whatever, you are so screwed.
Speaker 1: I think everyone knows this.
Speaker 2: And this's insurance bailed on him and something. Come out
Speaker 2: of the hospital into this care facility and his mom's.
Speaker 3: There and it's bad news and he's but he's there.
Speaker 2: He's there, and he's like he was trying to talk,
Speaker 2: but it was like our moms. He's like, he's like,
Speaker 2: I'm trying, I can't think of the words. He was
Speaker 2: getting so frustrated.
Speaker 1: But did he already have the surgery?
Speaker 3: But I yas had four?
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, But I could tell that he was in
Speaker 2: there wanting to communicate and get better, and he I
Speaker 2: think that he can.
Speaker 1: He just needs money and so yeah, and good care.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and good care. Hopefully that'll the money. I'll help
Speaker 2: get the good care.
Speaker 1: If you have a little extra these days, which we
Speaker 1: know no one does. But if you do, or just
Speaker 1: say your grandmother gave you thirty thousand dollars on her
Speaker 1: passing that you're like, maybe I'll buy boots. Yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: I'll buy some kind of weird, dumb thing that in
Speaker 1: five years you won't care about. How about instead kick
Speaker 1: kick some shit down to Andy Ritchie. Yeah, who's a
Speaker 1: good person. And that's his quality of life is stuff.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and he needs he needs physical therapy and all
Speaker 3: that stuff. Oh God forbid, God forbid anyway. So that's
Speaker 3: that's that's uh, yeah, that's important. So I want to
Speaker 3: talk about that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so thank you for listening to that portion. Sometimes
Speaker 1: we'll get serious. We don't give a thought.
Speaker 3: On a serious note. How about that? No, well we
Speaker 3: always have our little honk at the end.
Speaker 1: Oh that's truld be You can't honk because Chuck will
Speaker 1: come out here with a Civil War musket filled with
Speaker 1: baking soda and whatever something.
Speaker 3: Else, dressed like a Southern reenactor.
Speaker 1: But my favorite thing was when my dad met Chuck.
Speaker 1: He couldn't stop laughing because in their conversation, because of
Speaker 1: course Chuck can have a conversation with a man, in
Speaker 1: their conversation, he found out that he used to inspect
Speaker 1: the windshields and airplanes. And if you saw Chuck's eyes,
Speaker 1: I feel like I've told you this before, but he
Speaker 1: has the eyes of a person who looks like he's
Speaker 1: been inspect for tiny cracks all his life, like wild, googly,
Speaker 1: crazy ass eyes. So my dad's like, you want to
Speaker 1: know what Chuck did. Problem, He's like laughing his ass off,
Speaker 1: but he told me.
Speaker 3: So does he wear does?
Speaker 1: Oh? Yeah, he has big, thick glasses, and then his
Speaker 1: eyes behind the glasses are wild with n a rage.
Speaker 3: That's amazing.
Speaker 1: It's pretty crazy.
Speaker 2: I'm worried that his lights are out and we're disturbing him.
Speaker 2: I really want him to be on my side during
Speaker 2: the zombie apocalyps.
Speaker 1: He we're gonna have to. It's gonna have to be
Speaker 1: like a big monologue from me to get him on
Speaker 1: our side. But we don't worry about it until that
Speaker 1: day because I literally don't talk to him because he's
Speaker 1: the kind of person that puts the rock out and
Speaker 1: he's he's real nosy, and he's he's just not a
Speaker 1: nice person and he's racist, but so is everybody that's
Speaker 1: eighty Yeah, pretty much. Well, all right, we've solved it.
Speaker 3: He's probably a good guy deep down.
Speaker 2: I bet deep down it's like much like Radley, he's misunderstood.
Speaker 1: I loved Boo Radley just.
Speaker 2: Like Missy Misdemeanor la elligant, he's misunderstood.
Speaker 1: I want to meet a Boo Radley that carves the
Speaker 1: little toys for me and leaves them in my tree.
Speaker 3: Let's see, that's the sweetest.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine if someone left you treat tiny handmade
Speaker 1: toys in a tree. That's how much he.
Speaker 2: Loved you, even when I was a kid. I see
Speaker 2: something like that, I sniff it out. I know the
Speaker 2: guy's a petterass.
Speaker 3: You leave me toys, you're about.
Speaker 2: To meet my dad's fists, you'd say to him. No
Speaker 2: one makes me toys except my dad, and he did.
Speaker 1: And everyone's like, God, damn it, Chris, you're ruining our
Speaker 1: toy tree.
Speaker 3: Not so much carving.
Speaker 2: He just chopped up old two by four's and made
Speaker 2: shapes and I played with them. Get the occasional splinter,
Speaker 2: But I was happy to have those toys.
Speaker 1: You played literal stick men, they did.
Speaker 3: Oh those were the days. Oh shit, Well, I gotta
Speaker 3: get out of here.
Speaker 1: It's good to see you okay, by, have a great show.
Speaker 3: You've been listening to. Do you need a rob?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Why a R? Nice?
Speaker 1: Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either
Speaker 1: way we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much
Speaker 1: baggage you claim.
Speaker 4: And give us time and a termino and gay.
Speaker 3: We want to send you off inside.
Speaker 1: We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about
Speaker 1: every scared he was? It fine now porn?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do your need do around?
Speaker 1: Do you mean.
Speaker 3: With Karen and Cress
Speaker 1: M