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Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't

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Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know

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Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's

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Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die

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Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a

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Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was

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Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel

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Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And

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Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope

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Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,

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Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy.

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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat, I'm the host,

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Speaker 1: and quick reminder before we get into today's episode that

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Speaker 1: although this podcast is called You Need Therapy and it's

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Speaker 1: hosted by a therapist, it does not serve as a

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Speaker 1: replacement or a substitute for any actual mental health services.

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Speaker 1: But we always hope that it can help you in

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Speaker 1: some way wherever you are. So today's a solo episode,

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Speaker 1: and it's kind of like a current event episode because

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Speaker 1: I'm I got the inspiration for what I kind of

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Speaker 1: want to share today from some things that happened last

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Speaker 1: week or in the last couple of weeks, and as

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Speaker 1: many of as you probably know or have heard last week,

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Speaker 1: maybe a little bit more than a week at this point,

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Speaker 1: there was a professional athlete that stood on a stage

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Speaker 1: in front of hundreds, if not thousands of people and

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Speaker 1: gave a commencement speech that was not only uninteresting, but

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Speaker 1: a little degrading in my opinion, cruel in my opinion,

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Speaker 1: and dangerous also in my opinion. And I know there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of varying beliefs and ideas about this talk

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Speaker 1: and about his speech, and that's okay. I actually think

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Speaker 1: that's a good thing that there is discourse around and

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Speaker 1: we're allowed to have discourse around these things. But what

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Speaker 1: was concerning to me was this man had the lack

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Speaker 1: of I guess, forethought or intellect to understand the weight

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Speaker 1: of his words and how they would and could affect

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Speaker 1: the audience he was speaking to, and also not just

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Speaker 1: the audience he was speaking to, the audience that would

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Speaker 1: hear these words after way more people I think listened

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Speaker 1: to this than maybe he intended. I'm not sure I

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Speaker 1: thought that everything he said was wrong. It was just

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Speaker 1: interesting the way he weaved certain things in there, and

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Speaker 1: that that felt appropriate for that moment in these people's lives.

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Speaker 1: Graduating college might not seem like a big deal to

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Speaker 1: some people, and to some people maybe it really isn't

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Speaker 1: a big deal, but for others it might have been

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Speaker 1: one of the most difficult and also rewarding experiences of

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Speaker 1: their life to date. What I find really perplexing and

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Speaker 1: also intimidating for me is that when we share to

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Speaker 1: wide audiences, there is no way we can fully grasp

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Speaker 1: the wide range of stories behind the people that we

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Speaker 1: are speaking to. Every single person listening is showing up

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Speaker 1: with their unique experience of how they got there and

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Speaker 1: what that moment and what this moment means to them,

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Speaker 1: which speaks to how, no, we can't please everybody, and

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Speaker 1: that's never really the goal, but we can find a

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Speaker 1: way to spread more encouragement and not diminish the hopes

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Speaker 1: and hard work of those taking their time to listen

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Speaker 1: to what we have to say and speaking of commencement speeches.

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Speaker 1: I actually have no recollection of either of mine, and

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Speaker 1: underread or grad school. I don't know who spoke at them.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what they said, and I'm not sure

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Speaker 1: what that means. If anything, maybe the fact that they're

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Speaker 1: not so great ones are more memorable is something maybe

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Speaker 1: to be explored. But because I think that the people

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Speaker 1: at this commencement speech just were kind of dealt a

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Speaker 1: real crappy hand, right, I think for me personally, And

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Speaker 1: it's okay if this doesn't fit for me personally. If

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Speaker 1: that's what I heard as I was about to go

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Speaker 1: embark on this huge adventure, and if that's what I

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Speaker 1: heard at this huge celebratory moment, I would be pretty bummed,

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Speaker 1: pretty confused, probably be a little angry. And so what

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Speaker 1: I've done is compiled a quick list of a couple

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Speaker 1: things that would have been nice to hear that I imagine

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Speaker 1: would have been nice to hear as a twenty two

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Speaker 1: year old walking into the inquts real world. This is

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Speaker 1: not a formal speech. This is not an actual commencement speech.

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Speaker 1: I don't even know how it start to write one

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Speaker 1: of those. It's more of an accumulation of thoughts and

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Speaker 1: themes that I think matter and could have made a

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Speaker 1: difference for me if I was able to actually hear

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Speaker 1: them clearly. I think that's another part. Now. Of course,

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Speaker 1: there are countless things I could say here, but I

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Speaker 1: had to draw the line somewhere. I also put a

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Speaker 1: little question box on Instagram what you guys would want

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Speaker 1: people to hear if you gave a commencement speech, what

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Speaker 1: insight or encouragement you would want to offer? And so

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Speaker 1: I'm going to do is I'm going to post those

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Speaker 1: on Instagram for people to see that because I got

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Speaker 1: a lot of messages. A lot of them were pretty similar,

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Speaker 1: but I got a lot of good encouragement. So I

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Speaker 1: want to share that with you guys on there, and

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Speaker 1: then share a couple things that I think would have

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Speaker 1: really mattered to me and maybe would matter to you.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe you did just graduate, or maybe you were

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Speaker 1: at that conventional speech. I don't know, but when I

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Speaker 1: look back at how I ended up in college, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't seem like it was as much of a choice

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Speaker 1: as I assumed it was in that moment. It at

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Speaker 1: this point in my life feels more like an expectation.

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Speaker 1: You'll graduate high school, you'll go to college, you'll get

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Speaker 1: a good job, you'll get married, have kids, and then

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Speaker 1: you'll raise them to do the same. That was just

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Speaker 1: like what you did. It was essentially the formula to

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Speaker 1: a good and happy life. But what I didn't know

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Speaker 1: back then is that the formula doesn't account for our

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Speaker 1: individual desires and our individual circumstances, which is even a

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Speaker 1: bigger thing I think I've shared on here before that

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Speaker 1: in middle school I cried and locked myself in my

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Speaker 1: bedroom when I got my first B on my report card,

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Speaker 1: and one of my friends had told me that if

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Speaker 1: you get a B, then it becomes really challenging to

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Speaker 1: get into college, if even possible. I probably was twelve

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Speaker 1: thirteen years old when this happened, and I at that

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Speaker 1: moment thought I had ruined my life. And I say

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Speaker 1: that and it's kind of funny, but I actually thought that.

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Speaker 1: And what I know now is that there are limitations

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Speaker 1: to what report cards can say about a person. And

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Speaker 1: this is one of the first things I would go

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Speaker 1: back and want to offer myself, even as a college graduate,

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Speaker 1: and make sure I understood it. What anybody else would

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Speaker 1: tell you, including my very very very loving parents. I

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Speaker 1: actually don't consider myself any smarter than the average person

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Speaker 1: in literally any given room. And that doesn't come from

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Speaker 1: a place of insecurity at all. That literally just comes

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Speaker 1: from I don't think I am. I think I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: average when it comes to how smart I am. But

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Speaker 1: when I was sold the story that our grades hold

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Speaker 1: the future that we surely desire, you better believe I

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Speaker 1: found a way to work that system, and I found

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Speaker 1: a way to look smarter than I actually felt, which

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Speaker 1: to the naked eye might not feel like a bad thing,

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Speaker 1: but there are consequences in that. For me, that included

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Speaker 1: a mixed bag of things like anxiety, a distorted self image,

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Speaker 1: and actually a lot of missed opportunities. And you might

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Speaker 1: be thinking missed opportunities, huh like better grades. If people

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Speaker 1: think you're smarter, don't you get more opportunities? Well, it depends.

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Speaker 1: It depends on your definition of better when it comes

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Speaker 1: to opportunities. When it comes to success, and success is

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Speaker 1: one of those things that people may tell you they

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Speaker 1: can define, but nobody actually can define what success is

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Speaker 1: for you other than you unless we let them. There's

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Speaker 1: the caveat The opportunities that I'm talking about are the

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Speaker 1: ones that I might have been too scared to care

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Speaker 1: about because they didn't fit that formula. I struggle with

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Speaker 1: the encouragement, and we hear it all the time. You

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Speaker 1: can be anything you want to be. I struggle with

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Speaker 1: that because I don't know that it's true. I don't

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Speaker 1: believe that to be true. As humans, we have limitations,

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Speaker 1: and I'm just curious. I imagine there's some people listening there, like,

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Speaker 1: what if I don't know who I am? Go ahead

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Speaker 1: and take some pressure off yourself. How do you know

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Speaker 1: who you are? How do you figure that out? It's

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Speaker 1: more simple than we think. We listen and we do things,

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Speaker 1: and then we keep listening. And then you allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to focus on growth versus that success versus that formula.

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Speaker 1: You allow yourself to go from a desire to be

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Speaker 1: right and good to a desire to be present and real.

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Speaker 1: You embrace uncertainty because anyone with true self awareness is

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Speaker 1: keenly aware of how much they do not know and

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Speaker 1: cannot know. And that is not something to overcome, it's

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Speaker 1: something to accept. In college, I change my major four times,

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Speaker 1: and also speaking of that, I still don't know if

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Speaker 1: what I'm doing today is going to be what I'm

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Speaker 1: going to do for the rest of my life. Just

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago, I started looking up PhD

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Speaker 1: programs and contemplating if I should go back to school,

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Speaker 1: which I'm not out on that. I'm still looking at it,

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Speaker 1: And I think that's okay, Because as odd as it

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Speaker 1: feels to be offered encouragement to people, why I myself

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Speaker 1: don't really have it figured out. I think that's kind

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Speaker 1: of the point. Most people don't have it figured out,

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Speaker 1: no matter how shining their lives look on the outside.

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Speaker 1: I don't understand taxes. I'm thirty four years old. I

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Speaker 1: still don't know when I'm going to have a kid.

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Speaker 1: Cooking rice continues to be a challenge for me, and

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Speaker 1: calling myself an adult seems confusing a lot of the time.

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, I do believe that if

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Speaker 1: we were all a little bit more honest, those kinds

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Speaker 1: of things would be less embarrassing and shameful and more normal.

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Speaker 1: So if you don't know what you want to do,

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Speaker 1: if you don't know exactly the person that you want

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Speaker 1: to be, if you don't know if that formula fits,

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Speaker 1: I think that's okay. I think goals and aspirations are

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Speaker 1: great and even essential. We must must, must, must, must

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Speaker 1: welcome in the opportunity to shift. Leaving a job, an idea,

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Speaker 1: a relationship, a city is not a failure. It just

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Speaker 1: as easily could be an opportunity. At a conference in

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Speaker 1: twenty eighteen that I attended, I was in this transitional

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Speaker 1: phase of my career and friendships were changing, a lot

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Speaker 1: of stuff was changing. Went to this conference and I

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Speaker 1: heard a man named Don Han speak, producer of films

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Speaker 1: like Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, some

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Speaker 1: of the most iconic films ever made. I heard him say,

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Speaker 1: sometimes you have to leave, not because your story doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be told, but because it has to be

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Speaker 1: told somewhere else. And he also admits, as he's done

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Speaker 1: some of these amazing things, And what he admitted in

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Speaker 1: that talk is that he didn't do it all on

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Speaker 1: his own, not because he didn't want to, because he

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Speaker 1: didn't need to, he'd have to. During that same talk,

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Speaker 1: he quoted Picasso and he said good artists imitate in

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Speaker 1: great artists steal and went on to give us permission

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Speaker 1: to not be original. He said, you don't have to

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Speaker 1: be original because there are a lot of road maps

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Speaker 1: out there to borrow, and that was a tough one.

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Speaker 1: I actually didn't really understand. There was something about that

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Speaker 1: that drew me in, But I understand it until I

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Speaker 1: left and sat with it. Because that is hard. That's

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Speaker 1: a hard concept to want to admit that you like.

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Speaker 1: It's a hard concept to talk about as somebody who's

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Speaker 1: doing that. It's a hard concept because it can feel

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Speaker 1: like to be somebody you have to stand out and

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Speaker 1: not doing it the hard way is the best way.

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Speaker 1: And you know, if somebody already did it, then I

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Speaker 1: probably shouldn't. And I don't know if those statements. I'm

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Speaker 1: not here to tell you that they're exclusively false, but

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Speaker 1: I have come to know that they aren't exclusively true.

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Speaker 1: I've found since then. You don't get awarded extra credit

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Speaker 1: for suffering and for doing things harder than they need

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Speaker 1: to be done. Taking a shortcut doesn't mean that you

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Speaker 1: have an inability to engage in hard work. It might

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Speaker 1: mean you care about more than work being hard to steal.

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Speaker 1: In this quote that he shared, it might not mean

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Speaker 1: that you take the entirety of what somebody does and

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Speaker 1: then you call it your own. I think that's more

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Speaker 1: what imitating is that's copying. It means that you take

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Speaker 1: things that you like and you make them into your own.

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Speaker 1: You use what others have done before you, and have

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Speaker 1: done a great job at doing. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: reinvent the wheel just because we didn't come up with

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Speaker 1: the idea of the wheel. But we might take it

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Speaker 1: and make it better, or we might take it and

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Speaker 1: make it more us. And these are the things that

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Speaker 1: when I think about me as a twenty two year old,

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Speaker 1: when I think about people who are about to walk

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Speaker 1: into the world, these are the things that I find

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Speaker 1: important to share. It's not so much about what you believe,

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Speaker 1: or who you're voting for, or what exactly you should

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Speaker 1: be doing with your life. I don't have those answers

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Speaker 1: for myself half the time, let alone have the ability

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Speaker 1: to have them for other people. But what I would

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Speaker 1: want to share with people is that your grades my matter,

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Speaker 1: but they probably matter less than you think they do.

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Speaker 1: And you might not be able to be anything you want,

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Speaker 1: but you can probably be more than you think you

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Speaker 1: can be. It's okay to feel lost, it's okay to quit,

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Speaker 1: and you don't have to do things on your own

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Speaker 1: for them to be valued. So I hope that some

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Speaker 1: of this feels important to y'all. Some of this feels

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Speaker 1: encouraging to y'all. Some of this feels life giving and

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Speaker 1: in freeing versus something that gives us more constraints, because

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Speaker 1: that's what I would want people to walk out into

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Speaker 1: the world feeling more opportunity, right, And sometimes that's scary

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Speaker 1: because we want answers, We want somebody to tell us

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Speaker 1: what to do, how to do it, what the right

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Speaker 1: thing is, what to avoid. But I think we find

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Speaker 1: more joy and we find more honestly success in our

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Speaker 1: own right by being able to go out and do

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Speaker 1: the things that feel like us. And there's no way

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Speaker 1: for us to know what feels like us if we're

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Speaker 1: doing what somebody else tolds us feels like us. So

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Speaker 1: I hope this was helpful. And like I said, I

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Speaker 1: want to share the things that you guys gave me

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Speaker 1: as well on Instagram, So I'm going to post those

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I would love

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Speaker 1: to continue to hear your thoughts. If you didn't see

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Speaker 1: that post I made last week, you can email me

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Speaker 1: Katherine at You Need Therapy Podcast with things that you

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Speaker 1: would want to share, things that were helpful for you

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Speaker 1: to hear all of that. This week I think is

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Speaker 1: about sharing encouragement and freedom to people, and so I'll

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Speaker 1: post those on You Need Therapy's Instagram. You can also

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Speaker 1: follow me at cat dot defota. And you know, I

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Speaker 1: hope you have the graduation season that you need to have.

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Speaker 1: I hope you guys have the days you need to

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Speaker 1: have and I will be back with you on Wednesday

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Speaker 1: for couch Talks. Bye, guys,