1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:02,960 Speaker 1: And I didn't know how to say that. I didn't 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,440 Speaker 1: know how to deal with the shame and the kind 3 00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: of embarrassment that I'd been wrong and that I'd been 4 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: wrong really publicly. And I called my best friend and 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:13,360 Speaker 1: she said me too. 6 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 2: That was actress and activist Sophia Bush on the loneliness 7 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,400 Speaker 2: of losing yourself and the best friend who helped carry 8 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,880 Speaker 2: her back home. On this special best of episode of 9 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 2: My Legacy. Leading up to World Mental Health Day, hosts 10 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 2: Martin Luther King the Third, Andrea Waters, King, Mark Kilberger, 11 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,199 Speaker 2: and Praig Kilberger explore how to stay connected to others 12 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,920 Speaker 2: and to yourself in a disconnected world. Simon Sindek shares 13 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 2: the skill we need most when a friend is struggling, 14 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 2: Marie Furlio reveals her mantra for staying grounded, and mel 15 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 2: Robbins explains how her let them theory helps us hold 16 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:50,680 Speaker 2: on to ourselves. But first up, former Surgeon General doctor 17 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 2: Vivic Murphy on why loneliness isn't just a feeling, it's 18 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 2: a crisis. 19 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 3: Good fake And you were so open and so honest 20 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 3: and so vulnerable, if I can phrase it that way, 21 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 3: during your time instearch in general where you talked about 22 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 3: the importance of social connection and how a lone people feel, 23 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 3: and you were incredibly kind and being so open with 24 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 3: Martin and I talking about how personal it was for 25 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 3: you your own experiences that you had felt of loneliness, and 26 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 3: I wonder if we could and if I could ask 27 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 3: you to actually share it with our listeners and our viewers, 28 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,959 Speaker 3: because I think what you have done is shift the 29 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,600 Speaker 3: topic of social connection and loneliness into the public discord 30 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:37,040 Speaker 3: through your own lived experience and your platform, unlike anyone else. 31 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 4: For me, I realized the experiences I was having struggling 32 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 4: with loneliness were actually not unique. A lot of people 33 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,600 Speaker 4: were having these experiences, but we weren't able to really 34 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 4: talk about them. That there was this veil of shame 35 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 4: that kept those experiences hidden and increased the suffering that 36 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 4: many of us were experiencing. And that's what I had 37 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 4: felt as a child, when I was having a tough 38 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 4: time making friends as really shy, introverted kid, and where 39 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 4: I worried about walking into the lunch room every day 40 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 4: and not having someone to sit next to. But that 41 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,360 Speaker 4: whole time I not only felt ashamed about it and 42 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,960 Speaker 4: never mentioned it as a result of that to anyone else, 43 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,880 Speaker 4: But I also thought I was the only one dealing 44 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,880 Speaker 4: with that, and because everyone else looked like they were 45 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:22,920 Speaker 4: having a good time. And by the way, that distortion 46 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 4: of reality that tells us we're the only one struggling 47 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 4: is even more heightened today, thing for young people who 48 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 4: are because of the experience of social media, where people 49 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 4: are constantly posting their highlights, not their low lights, and 50 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,120 Speaker 4: so the experience we have is that, oh, my god, 51 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 4: everyone is living this great life and I'm the only 52 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,119 Speaker 4: one struggling. So that's how I felt even back then, 53 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 4: but it sensitized me to the issue. But I saw 54 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 4: a lot of it around me when I was a 55 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,360 Speaker 4: doctor and I have patients would come in, maybe for 56 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 4: an infection or for complications of a medication they took, 57 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 4: or because they had cancer or heart attack or a 58 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,720 Speaker 4: clot but often as I sat and talked to them, 59 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 4: realized that they were struggling with loneliness. And then I 60 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 4: came to see that at scale when I was searching 61 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 4: general traveling across the country. So that was the reason 62 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 4: I decided I wanted to do something about this, And 63 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 4: to me, it was in fact a health issue, because 64 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 4: when you dug into the data as I did on 65 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,519 Speaker 4: loneliness and isolation, it became very clear that this was 66 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 4: so much more than a bad feeling, and that people 67 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 4: who actually experienced loneliness and isolation they had higher risk 68 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 4: of not only depression and anxiety and suicide, but also 69 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 4: heart disease and dementia and premature death. 70 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 5: So, if that's the challenge, my question to you, and 71 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 5: you've touched upon it, but put your doctor hat on, 72 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 5: take out your prescription pad, take out a pen, and 73 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 5: what's the prescription of solving disconnection? 74 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 4: Well, since you asked for a prescription, it turns out 75 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 4: the final document that I issued when I was search 76 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,520 Speaker 4: in general was actually called a parting Prescription to America. 77 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 4: It was about what you're getting at, which is there 78 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,160 Speaker 4: was this deeper question that had been bothering me for 79 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 4: years when I was in office, meeting people talking to them, 80 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 4: which was this the question is why are so many 81 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 4: of the people that I meet struggling with a sense 82 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 4: of unhappiness and emptiness? Why do so many of them 83 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,360 Speaker 4: feel like something is missing in their lives? And I 84 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 4: realized that many of the narratives that were told that 85 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 4: it's due to economic challenges, security challenges. These are real. Actually, 86 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 4: these really contribute to the unhappiness and anxiety and pain 87 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 4: that people feel. But even when those needs were met, 88 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 4: I was finding there was something else that was missing, 89 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,040 Speaker 4: that people were still feeling that sense of unhappiness, they 90 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 4: were still suffering. And what I came to understand through 91 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 4: many conversations and research and data, etc. Was that there 92 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:49,279 Speaker 4: is a story that we have told ourselves, and young 93 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:53,080 Speaker 4: people in particular, a narrative that society has created about 94 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 4: what constitutes success. And young people would often say this 95 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,359 Speaker 4: to me most eloquently and clearly, because when I would travel, 96 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:01,880 Speaker 4: I would always ask the same question, how do you 97 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 4: define success? And they would say, well, society is defining 98 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 4: for it. Is it for us as money, power, and fame, 99 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,719 Speaker 4: And if we can achieve those three things, then we 100 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 4: will really have made it. People make documentaries about us 101 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,160 Speaker 4: or our books about us, it'll be great. It's why 102 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 4: I met so many people who were saying that. What 103 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,040 Speaker 4: I would say, what are you focus on right now? 104 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,600 Speaker 4: They woulday, I'm focused on building my brand right and 105 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 4: there's a small part of me, which you know, died 106 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 4: every time, like somebody said that because it's I think 107 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 4: it's emblematic of a broader problem. But when you look 108 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:38,280 Speaker 4: at what really leads to fulfillment, it's actually remarkably consistent 109 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 4: in research in life experience and history and in scripture 110 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 4: across faiths, which is that it's a different triad that 111 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:50,039 Speaker 4: try to modern day success maybe wealth, power and fame, 112 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 4: but the triad of lifelong fulfillment is actually relationships, purpose, 113 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,840 Speaker 4: and service. It's the people we love, the people we help, 114 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,680 Speaker 4: and it's how we find purpose in our lives and 115 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 4: lifting each other up and being a part of something 116 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 4: bigger than ourselves. That's actually how we find fulfillment. The 117 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 4: core though, the key about the try to fulfillment is 118 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 4: it has to be rooted in a core virtue, and 119 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 4: that virtue is love, Love and all its manifestations of generosity, kindness, 120 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,120 Speaker 4: but also hope and courage those come from love as well. 121 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,719 Speaker 4: And in writing this parting prescription, I was deeply inspired 122 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 4: by Reverend Martin Luther King, by your father and father 123 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,240 Speaker 4: in law and his call for the beloved community, because 124 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,320 Speaker 4: I saw the beloved community, and Alison and I would spend 125 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,640 Speaker 4: a lot of time talking about this because we talk 126 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,280 Speaker 4: about this in the context of what when you become 127 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 4: a parent, you start realizing that your child is going 128 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 4: to need a lot more than you can provide to 129 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 4: live a fulfilling life. They're going to depend on the 130 00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:51,760 Speaker 4: world around them, and the question for us is what 131 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 4: can we do to help make sure that that world 132 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,240 Speaker 4: is going to be there for our kids and for 133 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 4: all kids, that it's going to be a nurturing world 134 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,760 Speaker 4: where if they fall down, somebody's going to be there 135 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,159 Speaker 4: to help them up. If they make a mistake, somebody's 136 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 4: not going to judge them in the worst possible bait way, 137 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,360 Speaker 4: but give them the benefit of the doubt and where 138 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 4: they will do the same for others. And to me 139 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 4: that that beloved community is about belonging. It's about making 140 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 4: love the ethic and the compass through which we are 141 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 4: guided in our lives. It's about building a life rooted 142 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 4: in relationships, purpose, and service. 143 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 6: Sophia Naw, I want to turn to a deeply personal 144 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 6: essay that you wrote in Glamour last April about your 145 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 6: coming out journey, and I want to read something that 146 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 6: you wrote because I thought that it was just so, 147 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 6: so very powerful. So I want to quote your exact words, 148 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 6: which is I finally feel like I can breathe. I 149 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 6: don't think, I don't think. I can't explain how profound 150 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 6: that it is. I feel like I was wearing a 151 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 6: weighted vest for who knows how long I hadn't realized 152 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 6: how heavy it was until I finally just put it down. 153 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 6: That kind of clarity doesn't usually come without heartbreak. So 154 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 6: what was the turning point for you? 155 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 1: If I may? You know, it's interesting how bite sized 156 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 1: the world wants to make your life or your experiences 157 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:37,840 Speaker 1: when you are a public person. And I understand why 158 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:42,719 Speaker 1: the totality of a life, you know, someone's journey is 159 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:50,760 Speaker 1: it's not clickbait material and so you won't expect this. 160 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,280 Speaker 1: But the reason this really relates back to Nia and 161 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 1: our friendship is because there was so much public fascination 162 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: about well, what is she? How does she identify? 163 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 6: Is? 164 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 1: Explain? Explain? Explain? And they wanted to make it about 165 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:11,480 Speaker 1: this coming out, you know, and part of me and 166 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,559 Speaker 1: part of me were like, has nobody been paying attention 167 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,720 Speaker 1: to like anything I've ever said since I've been on TV, 168 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: or all the all the people I've kissed since I've 169 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: been on TV, Like what are we doing? So there 170 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,480 Speaker 1: was humor in it, certainly there there was absolutely given 171 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: again this rising fear mongering. There was a real importance 172 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 1: I understood for saying the words and saying them in 173 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:38,280 Speaker 1: a way where they could be both hopefully inspiring or 174 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 1: freeing to someone else, but also to say, all of 175 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,800 Speaker 1: us deserve to take up space and deserve to have 176 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: a full spectrum of rights. But the thing that people 177 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:56,120 Speaker 1: didn't see behind the scenes was the journey to get there. 178 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,959 Speaker 1: And the vest wasn't just about identity. The vest was 179 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: about society. The vest was about the expectation on women, 180 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:10,920 Speaker 1: the exhausting demand to be small, but not so small, 181 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:15,040 Speaker 1: to no matter what you do, you have a career. 182 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,560 Speaker 1: How dare you not have kids? You have kids? How 183 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:21,120 Speaker 1: dare you not have a career. You wait to consider 184 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,000 Speaker 1: getting married, You're a crone. You got married young. You 185 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 1: must have been dumb and you didn't know what you 186 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 1: were doing. It's just we can't quite get it right. 187 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: And what I had to come to terms with was 188 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:38,360 Speaker 1: that I'd carried certain traumas. Rather than push them back 189 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: on the people who'd given them to me, I'd tried 190 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 1: to make everybody happy, I'd lost my individual way, maybe 191 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 1: in a way because I'd prioritized community so much that 192 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 1: I finally said, well, I guess it's time, and I 193 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,440 Speaker 1: guess it's time I do the thing everybody tells me 194 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,680 Speaker 1: to do, and I'll make the list and check the 195 00:10:59,679 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: box and everybody says, once you've done it, you'll be happy. 196 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:08,319 Speaker 1: And I checked all the boxes and I really wasn't happy. 197 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 1: And I didn't know how to say that to anyone 198 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 1: but Nia, and I didn't know how to say when 199 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: people said, well, why did you get married and why 200 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: did you do this? I didn't know I would go 201 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 1: through the next step, the family building stuff by myself. 202 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,800 Speaker 1: I didn't know until it happened to me, and I 203 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: didn't know how to say that. I didn't know how 204 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,679 Speaker 1: to deal with the shame and the kind of embarrassment 205 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 1: that I'd been wrong, and that i'd been wrong really publicly. 206 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,800 Speaker 1: And I called my best friend and she if I may, 207 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,200 Speaker 1: I'm just making sure I'm allowed to say the thing, 208 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:53,080 Speaker 1: but she said me too, And we both knew what 209 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 1: was going on, obviously with each other. We talk one 210 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,160 Speaker 1: hundred times a day. But when I said, I think 211 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,480 Speaker 1: I have to be done and in her own life 212 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,080 Speaker 1: and in her own world with her own young son. 213 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: She said, I do too. I can't. I would never 214 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:13,559 Speaker 1: wish for someone else to be heartbroken, but to have 215 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:18,320 Speaker 1: my best friend in the world having her version of 216 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,080 Speaker 1: the same experience, and both of us saying we got 217 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 1: to like, we got to put it down and we 218 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 1: got to try to make a new way in the 219 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: in the most profound way. I knew I wasn't crazy. 220 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: I knew I wasn't doing something rash. I knew I'd 221 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 1: literally exhausted every option, I'd gone to, every therapy, I'd 222 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 1: done every bit of the homework, and I had to 223 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:47,559 Speaker 1: just say it's okay to change your mind, it's okay 224 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 1: to learn something, and based on that learning, make a 225 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,720 Speaker 1: new decision for your future. And so everybody wanted to 226 00:12:55,760 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 1: make it about, you know, the next person in my life, 227 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,959 Speaker 1: because the next person in my life was a woman. 228 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: Plenty of people were shocked. It wasn't nea by the 229 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,160 Speaker 1: way I was like, I was like, she is my wife, 230 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: just not like that. But you know what, I think 231 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: what people didn't understand was that the journey started again 232 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: in a community of women, and there were two of 233 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,280 Speaker 1: us and then there was a best friend from college, 234 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: and then there was a woman I would eventually fall 235 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,520 Speaker 1: in love with. And then there was another friend, you know, 236 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: dealing with will I stay or will I go because 237 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,000 Speaker 1: of addiction in her family with her husband, and the 238 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: community of women who who didn't go really bad timing. 239 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,880 Speaker 1: You know, you just had this whole big thing. They 240 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,560 Speaker 1: didn't lean out and critique. They leaned in and said 241 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:49,760 Speaker 1: it's okay. Those women helped me take off forty years 242 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 1: of expectation and people pleasing and just trying to do 243 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,200 Speaker 1: it right because it hadn't felt right ever, no matter 244 00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:01,080 Speaker 1: how hard I tried. And it was yes about stepping 245 00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:05,679 Speaker 1: into that portion of my identity in a way, but 246 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 1: what it really was in totality was a was a 247 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: homecoming and a learning to honor myself. And I learned 248 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,840 Speaker 1: how to honor myself watching the strongest woman that I 249 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 1: know and a group of the most impressive women we 250 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 1: love honor themselves. I had the courage of that conviction 251 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,120 Speaker 1: because of what I was being shown in both love 252 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 1: and example by the women in my. 253 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 6: Life coming up. 254 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,760 Speaker 2: Simon senek Urifolio and mel Robbins on how to show 255 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 2: up for others and for yourself. 256 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 3: Now back to my legacy. 257 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:52,960 Speaker 7: Let's say maybe everyone has capacity to be resilient, maybe 258 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,040 Speaker 7: they don't always know that, But can you have. 259 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 5: Resilience without connection? 260 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,840 Speaker 7: I don't think so. I Look, we're social animals, and 261 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 7: we know that solitary confinement is a form of torture. 262 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 7: And whether it's imposed by you know, a political system 263 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,560 Speaker 7: or a penal system, or it's self imposed. When we 264 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 7: hide from truth and we keep secrets about our feelings, 265 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:28,440 Speaker 7: we're putting ourselves in prisons. We're self imposing solitary confinement. 266 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 7: And we know what happens when you put someone in 267 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,520 Speaker 7: solitary confinement. They'll go crazy and they will self destruct. 268 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 7: And I think the only way to get through anything 269 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 7: hard is with others. And it goes right back to 270 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 7: where we started, which is do we have the skills? 271 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 7: And I think most people don't even know how to 272 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 7: help a friend when they're in need. You know, if 273 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 7: somebody calls you and say, if somebody has the courage 274 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,120 Speaker 7: to say I'm struggling, most of us go into fix 275 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 7: it mode, and that is incorrect. People are pretty smart, 276 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 7: even in pain. They know when they want to be 277 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 7: fixed and when they want your advice and they know 278 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 7: when they just need you to sit in the mud 279 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 7: with them. And most of us are more comfortable trying 280 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 7: to fix things because we're rational, we're not the ones depressed. 281 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,480 Speaker 7: This is how we would solve the problem in our 282 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 7: state of mind now, But that's not the state of 283 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 7: the mind of our friend. And most of us do 284 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,160 Speaker 7: not have the skill set to just get in the 285 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,880 Speaker 7: mud with somebody. Like if your friend's depressed, do you 286 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 7: try and give them advice how they can get out 287 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,720 Speaker 7: of their depression, or do you'd go to their house, 288 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 7: get in their bed and eat ice cream with them 289 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 7: all day with them and just be depressed with them. 290 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,640 Speaker 7: Getting in the mud with someone is not fun. That's 291 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 7: why we don't do it. It is not enjoyable. But 292 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 7: you do it. And again when most of us are 293 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:44,040 Speaker 7: pretty attuned, where if you sit in mud with someone 294 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 7: and just hold space and allow them to be depressed 295 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 7: or sad or angry or whatever feeling they're having, at 296 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 7: some point they're going to look at you and go, 297 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 7: I think I'm ready now, and then you can try 298 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,400 Speaker 7: and pull them out and offer them the advice. I 299 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 7: remember I called a friend I was in a bad place, 300 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 7: and I called her and I said, can I just 301 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 7: talk to him in a bad place? And I started 302 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,159 Speaker 7: talking and she went in to fix it mode, and 303 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 7: I remember feeling worse, feeling angry, you know, because I 304 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,680 Speaker 7: wasn't feeling heard. And again I literally said, can you 305 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,520 Speaker 7: stop trying to fix me and just shut up and listen. 306 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 7: That's all I need from you right now is just 307 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,880 Speaker 7: let me get it out of like. I don't want 308 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,199 Speaker 7: you to fix me. Just let me tell you and 309 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 7: just listen. That's all I need, and so you can 310 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 7: even change it. And she goes, I hear you, I 311 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,400 Speaker 7: hear I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and then she started listening 312 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 7: and I felt better. And so I think we need 313 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:37,200 Speaker 7: to learn those skills. We need to learn those skills. 314 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,879 Speaker 7: But I do not believe that you can do these 315 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 7: things by yourself. It's this thing called life is just 316 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,639 Speaker 7: too difficult for any one of us to do it 317 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 7: by ourselves. Not a single one of us has the strength, 318 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,679 Speaker 7: or the courage, or the wherewithal all the perspective to 319 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,000 Speaker 7: do this thing called life alone. Life is a team sport. 320 00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,679 Speaker 7: This is why we organically and naturally make friends and 321 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,960 Speaker 7: want friends. This is why when we don't have friends, 322 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 7: we feel lonely. This is why we envy people with relationships. 323 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 7: It's because those things all contribute to this thing called life. Look, remember, 324 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 7: suicide is an active it's an active loneliness. That's what 325 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:16,640 Speaker 7: it is. 326 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:17,600 Speaker 2: You know. 327 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 7: It's a it's a it's a it's a it's an 328 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:23,880 Speaker 7: attempt to take control of a situation that feels bad. 329 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:28,680 Speaker 7: Nobody nobody dies by suicide because they're hungry. They day 330 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,960 Speaker 7: by suicide because they're lonely. 331 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,920 Speaker 6: One of the things that I have to be vulnerable 332 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,119 Speaker 6: and transparent that I'm working on, and I see it 333 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 6: more with with parenting, with friends sometimes or even with 334 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:53,919 Speaker 6: my husband, is is because I love so big you, 335 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,640 Speaker 6: I want to go into fix it. 336 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:55,919 Speaker 2: You know. 337 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,679 Speaker 6: So if my daughter comes home and she's having a 338 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,160 Speaker 6: she's had or just really bad day, and I want 339 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,040 Speaker 6: to say, hey, Okay, if you do ten things of 340 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,679 Speaker 6: gratitude right now or go jump on the rebounder, you 341 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,480 Speaker 6: can change the state. And and it's not too but 342 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,000 Speaker 6: one thing I've and this has been my mantra is okay, 343 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 6: Andrea lecture or love that's good, Yolanda, you know it's okay. 344 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 6: Or to let her know it's okay, or to let 345 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,760 Speaker 6: Martin know it's okay, and just to to listen and 346 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,359 Speaker 6: you know, just say, you know, just give them that 347 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 6: that love. And I'm so I'm constantly now playing in 348 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:33,479 Speaker 6: my mind lecture a love, lecture a love and and 349 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,440 Speaker 6: then there are times though, there are times when they 350 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,159 Speaker 6: they that it's appropriate to give it. When I say lecture, 351 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 6: well my husband would say it's a lecture, but yeah, 352 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 6: it's like yeah, but it is like okay, you know. 353 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,600 Speaker 4: You know, now imagine, right, is this thing on? 354 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,880 Speaker 6: So so that's that's one thing that I'm that I'm 355 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,359 Speaker 6: working so particularly with a teenager and and with a husband. 356 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,360 Speaker 6: We work together and with so many people that I love. Particularly, 357 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,439 Speaker 6: I think there's so many maybe of our listeners, certainly 358 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,840 Speaker 6: the people that are you know, not purchasing your books 359 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,760 Speaker 6: and listening to Simon that you know, they are like 360 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 6: the let's get it, let's get it, let's get it done. 361 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 6: Let's you know, so you know, maybe that's something that 362 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,280 Speaker 6: we all can that will be helpful to them as well, 363 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,680 Speaker 6: like okay, is this time for lecture or love? 364 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,359 Speaker 7: It's true And sometimes sometimes you don't have to guess. 365 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,840 Speaker 7: Sometimes you can ask. Somebody tells you how they feel, 366 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 7: and you can say, do you want me to lecture? 367 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,200 Speaker 7: Do you want me to love? Do you want me 368 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,439 Speaker 7: to try and fix it? Do you want me to 369 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,080 Speaker 7: just sit here and listen? And people will say I 370 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 7: just need to listen and say, oh, actually, you know what, 371 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 7: I want to know your opinion. So the irony is 372 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 7: you don't even have to guess, yeah, you can actually 373 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,679 Speaker 7: ask and people know. The funny thing about all of 374 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,280 Speaker 7: this is this is what we're trained to do. This 375 00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:50,359 Speaker 7: is what parents are trained to do for children. You know, 376 00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 7: we're trained we learn to affirm the feelings of our kids. 377 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,719 Speaker 7: You know, they come home angry or if something happens 378 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,159 Speaker 7: or somebody takes their candy and they say, I'm angry, 379 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,800 Speaker 7: and you're not suppose to say, oh, don't be angry, 380 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 7: you shouldn't be angry. Were supposed to say, boy, yeah, pooh, 381 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 7: that must really hurt. And this is what we're supposed 382 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,720 Speaker 7: to do with kids. Like any parent who's that read 383 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,080 Speaker 7: a couple books you know about parenting. 384 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,239 Speaker 8: Knows this well. 385 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,880 Speaker 7: We're supposed to do the same thing with adults too, 386 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,640 Speaker 7: Like it hasn't changed because we get older, we still 387 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:24,359 Speaker 7: want our feelings affirmed. And it's really funny how what 388 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,920 Speaker 7: we know how to do for kids we stopped doing 389 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 7: for adults. 390 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:33,320 Speaker 6: Well, sign of the next time you call me lecture alone. 391 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 5: If you're looking for stories that move you, insights that 392 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 5: shift you, in conversations that stay deeply within you, do 393 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,560 Speaker 5: us a favor, and do yourself a favor and hit 394 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 5: the subscribe button right now. It's the best way to 395 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:48,160 Speaker 5: support this podcast and support your journey. New episodes drop 396 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:48,920 Speaker 5: every week. 397 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 6: Now back to my legacy. 398 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 5: Rio wanted to ask you. You've taught the world so 399 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,119 Speaker 5: many amazing things. You've taught me so many amazing things, 400 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 5: and I want you to share with us what are 401 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,440 Speaker 5: the coolest things that you've taught me that I love, 402 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 5: and just explain this to our viewers in the way 403 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 5: that you do, because you're such a great storyteller, which 404 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,800 Speaker 5: is observe, don't absorb. 405 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,920 Speaker 8: Yeah, I think, first of all, this is really really helpful, 406 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,480 Speaker 8: especially for those of us who are empaths, those of 407 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,680 Speaker 8: us who are really also sensitive to energy, those of 408 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,240 Speaker 8: us who tend to also have people in our lives that, 409 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,560 Speaker 8: let's say, have different kind of energy that is not 410 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,200 Speaker 8: necessarily a good chemistry match for you. So the notion 411 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:35,680 Speaker 8: of observing and not absorbing. And I'll just say this, 412 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 8: you know, for especially what my life has been like 413 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,199 Speaker 8: these past couple years. You know, family, we love them, 414 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,720 Speaker 8: and then sometimes same thing like Josh and I you 415 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,240 Speaker 8: need to shake each other. 416 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,720 Speaker 6: Because you're like God, gotta get away. 417 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,439 Speaker 8: Same thing can happen in our work environments and with 418 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:54,440 Speaker 8: our friendships. So I think observing someone it's like observing 419 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 8: what they're going through, having ultimate compassion for what they're experiencing, 420 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,800 Speaker 8: being in terms of listening, mirroring what they're going through 421 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:10,000 Speaker 8: without absorbing it into your own energetic field, taking it on, 422 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:16,080 Speaker 8: becoming responsible for fixing it, for figuring it out, or 423 00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:20,920 Speaker 8: thinking that you are necessarily the cause of this other 424 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:25,920 Speaker 8: person's distress or upset or stress, even if they tell 425 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 8: you that you are. So you know, I have been 426 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,880 Speaker 8: through this most recently and again my mom, God bless her. 427 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,639 Speaker 8: She's still with us. She's struggling a lot right now. 428 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,600 Speaker 8: And you know, she's said some things in the past 429 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,359 Speaker 8: little stretch of time that were extremely hurtful and some 430 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,679 Speaker 8: might say cruel. I've shared some things with Christians. She 431 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 8: was like, WHOA, that's a lot. And so it comes 432 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 8: back to this notion of me going like and I 433 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,720 Speaker 8: can observe her in her pain. I can observe her 434 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,119 Speaker 8: what she's experiencing, which is a lot of terror and 435 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,960 Speaker 8: a lot of fear and a lot of loss of control. 436 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 8: And I can empathize with the notion of what she's 437 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,240 Speaker 8: experiencing and how those lash outs might be directed at 438 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,159 Speaker 8: me if I'm in her presence. But I don't have 439 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:12,200 Speaker 8: to absorb it and take it on. I don't need 440 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,920 Speaker 8: to be a sponge and I don't need to as 441 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,359 Speaker 8: painful as this is. As the daughter of the woman 442 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 8: who taught me that everything is figure outable, I don't 443 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 8: have to figure it out for her, nor is that 444 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,679 Speaker 8: my role. I can trust at a very deep level 445 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,160 Speaker 8: that there is for me, and this is my own 446 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,399 Speaker 8: belief system. There is a higher power watching over her. 447 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 8: She is on her own soulful and spiritual journey, and 448 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 8: the greatest gift I can give both her and myself 449 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,520 Speaker 8: is to show up. And Chris taught me this one 450 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 8: only love in the room, meaning bringing only love in 451 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 8: the room. Can I observe her and not absorb that negativity? 452 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,000 Speaker 8: Can I observe her and not absorb her pain and 453 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,520 Speaker 8: her fear as my own. 454 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 3: Mail your new book that Let Them Theory. It encourages 455 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 3: people to just let control go over other people's choices. 456 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,000 Speaker 3: And the part that I love is that you said 457 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,120 Speaker 3: it helped to heal and fortify your relationship with your daughter. 458 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,920 Speaker 3: Can you share both the theory and how it brought 459 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:14,879 Speaker 3: you closer together? 460 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 9: Absolutely? 461 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:15,679 Speaker 3: So. 462 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 9: Let Them theory is a simple mindset tool that helps 463 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 9: you identify literally in a moment, what's in your control 464 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,720 Speaker 9: and what's not in your control, and the way that 465 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 9: you use it is very simple. If you're in a 466 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,960 Speaker 9: situation and some other person is stressing you out or 467 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 9: upsetting you or offending you, or you're worried about them, 468 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,480 Speaker 9: or they're treating you poorly, you literally say let them 469 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 9: because the number one thing in life that you will never, ever, ever, 470 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:44,000 Speaker 9: ever be able to control is another human being. You 471 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 9: can't control what they think, you can't control what they do, 472 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,920 Speaker 9: You cannot control how they feel, period And any psychologist 473 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,720 Speaker 9: will tell you that any time that you spend trying 474 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,879 Speaker 9: to only makes you feel more stressed, out, frustrated, and 475 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,640 Speaker 9: out of control. And the problem for all of us, 476 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,080 Speaker 9: and I didn't learn as so as fifty four years old. 477 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 9: If I had known this way back when, I would 478 00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 9: literally not have been a walking red flag for most 479 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 9: of my life. I would not have taken my stress 480 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,840 Speaker 9: out of my family. I would have been more peaceful 481 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,280 Speaker 9: and more powerful because I had no idea how much 482 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:26,160 Speaker 9: power I'd given to other people, and neither nobody does 483 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:31,880 Speaker 9: because we don't understand how we're turning other people into 484 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,560 Speaker 9: the problem. And I've got very important and exciting information. 485 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 9: It says, if you feel tired in life, if you 486 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,719 Speaker 9: are frustrated, if you're stuck, if you're stressed out, if 487 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,640 Speaker 9: you feel like you never have time for yourself, if 488 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,399 Speaker 9: you're just not as happy as you'd like to be, 489 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 9: the problem isn't you. The problem is you're unknowingly giving 490 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 9: power to other people, and you do it in four ways. 491 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 9: You allow them to stress you out, you worry about 492 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 9: and you manage what they're thinking. You navigate your life 493 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 9: based on their moods and their opinions and their disappointment 494 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:08,639 Speaker 9: and their guilt and their expectations. And you paralyze yourself 495 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,960 Speaker 9: because you're chronically comparing yourself to them and telling yourself 496 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,440 Speaker 9: that if they're successful or they're this, then I can't 497 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,000 Speaker 9: have it. And it's simply not true. And what the 498 00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:21,400 Speaker 9: let them theory does is that any situation that you're 499 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:24,200 Speaker 9: in and you're going to use it with your family 500 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,119 Speaker 9: more than anybody, because I think family teaches you how 501 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,719 Speaker 9: to love people you hate sometimes, right, you gotta let 502 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:34,679 Speaker 9: them because you're not going to change them. And what 503 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 9: you will learn as you start to use this is 504 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 9: people only change when they feel like changing. People only 505 00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 9: change when they're ready to change. People only change when 506 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,640 Speaker 9: they're ready to do the hard work to change. And 507 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:51,119 Speaker 9: the other piece that you have to embrace is that 508 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,760 Speaker 9: we think worrying about or pressuring or judging or pushing 509 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 9: people to change motivates people to change. It's actually the opposite. 510 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,520 Speaker 9: If you look at the wiring of a human being, 511 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:05,000 Speaker 9: everybody has a fundamental need for control. When you're in 512 00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,520 Speaker 9: control of what you're thinking about in your decisions and 513 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,639 Speaker 9: your future and the environment that you're in, you actually 514 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:15,960 Speaker 9: feel safe. And the problem is if Martin's doing something 515 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 9: that is worrying me, now, his behavior is something I 516 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:23,639 Speaker 9: want to control. But Martin has the same need to 517 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,680 Speaker 9: control his life as I do. So when I start 518 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,320 Speaker 9: to push on Martin or suggests that Martin should do 519 00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:32,080 Speaker 9: this or should do that, what does Martin do? Martin 520 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:36,439 Speaker 9: pushes back because he needs to be in control. And 521 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:42,040 Speaker 9: I didn't realize that I was creating so much unnecessary 522 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:47,640 Speaker 9: friction and frustration and distance with people in my life. 523 00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,719 Speaker 9: I didn't realize how much time and energy I was losing, 524 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 9: because you know, let's just take a simple example. You're 525 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:55,960 Speaker 9: at the grocery store and there's five people in front 526 00:28:55,960 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 9: of you, and there's one cashire. We've all been there, yes, 527 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:08,719 Speaker 9: And immediately the stress rises up inside you. And then 528 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,360 Speaker 9: all of a sudden, you get agitated, and then you 529 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,479 Speaker 9: start thinking why are they not calling it? And then 530 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:15,600 Speaker 9: you're looking around, and then you start thinking you can 531 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:19,280 Speaker 9: run the store better than anybody, right, And now let's 532 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,360 Speaker 9: just stop and actually really look at what this is. 533 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 9: This is you giving power to something that you do 534 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:30,640 Speaker 9: not control. And when you do that, a number of 535 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,320 Speaker 9: things happen. Number one did you notice is the stress 536 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 9: goes up, your life force energy goes out. So you 537 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 9: are allowing stupid, meaningless all kinds of irritating people that 538 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 9: are beneath you and not worth your time and energy. 539 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 9: You are allowing it to exhaust you and you don't 540 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:55,480 Speaker 9: have to. And the solution is just to say let them, 541 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,440 Speaker 9: and immediately you feel peace because what you're doing is 542 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 9: you're tapping into a tremendous like I feel like I've 543 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,680 Speaker 9: got everybody's ancestors with me. Because this is an application 544 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 9: of stoicism, of Buddhism, of radical acceptance, of detachment, theory 545 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:20,120 Speaker 9: of literally not reacting and staying in your piece, and 546 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,200 Speaker 9: then something interesting happens. You say the second part, which 547 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 9: is let me, let me remind myself that in any situation, 548 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 9: I have power because there are three things I can control. 549 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,480 Speaker 9: I can control what I think about. Next, I can 550 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,520 Speaker 9: control what I do or I don't do. Because you 551 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:41,760 Speaker 9: can leave the supermarket. You could if you never have 552 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,240 Speaker 9: time to talk to your friend, you could pick up 553 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:46,360 Speaker 9: the phone and call your friend or your grandma. You 554 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:51,200 Speaker 9: could practice meditation, you could say a prayer. If you say, 555 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,480 Speaker 9: let me and remind yourself that you have power, right, 556 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 9: and so that's what it is. 557 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,880 Speaker 6: And also you said you know all of these different ancestors. 558 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 6: You're bringing in the ancestor of Martin Luther King Junior 559 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 6: in the whole civil rights movement. Yes, because I think 560 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 6: what people also forget is that when you're talking about 561 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,880 Speaker 6: the lunch counters, you're talking about the freedom writers. 562 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 9: Yes they trained, Yes. 563 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,160 Speaker 6: You know, they didn't just go and you know, and 564 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:21,160 Speaker 6: so and Nona was and it was a lot of 565 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:25,120 Speaker 6: what exactly that you're talking about and let them, Like 566 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:28,840 Speaker 6: this is like they're going to do this. Yes, I 567 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:33,840 Speaker 6: you know, I choose, I choose how then I will 568 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,760 Speaker 6: respond to that. And what I also think is important 569 00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 6: is that you have to it is training. 570 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:40,120 Speaker 9: Yes, it is. 571 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,120 Speaker 6: You know, you have to think about it and you have. 572 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 9: To Yes, it is disciplined. And here's the other thing 573 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:47,600 Speaker 9: it is because a lot of people hear this and 574 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:51,280 Speaker 9: then they'll say, wait, you're just allowing people to walk 575 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,800 Speaker 9: all over you. You're allowing people to abuse you. And 576 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,000 Speaker 9: I'm like, oh no, it's the opposite, because you're actually 577 00:31:56,040 --> 00:32:01,040 Speaker 9: allowing it. Now when you say let them, it's almost 578 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,800 Speaker 9: like you're allowing it without allowing it, because you're saying, 579 00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,720 Speaker 9: I see the reality here, and I see that I 580 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:11,680 Speaker 9: can't control this, and so I choose my response because 581 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:15,320 Speaker 9: I know I do have power, And oftentimes the best 582 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 9: response is no, response. The best response is peace. And 583 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 9: we give too much energy and too much fear into 584 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,520 Speaker 9: things we can't control, and in doing so, we blind 585 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,479 Speaker 9: ourselves to the fact that you always have control. And 586 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,760 Speaker 9: whether you're talking about a family dynamic, or you're talking 587 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,720 Speaker 9: about a community, or you're talking about a world at large. See, 588 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:41,720 Speaker 9: I find it just so sad and fascinating that we 589 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,760 Speaker 9: always let the most challenging and toxic behavior seem to 590 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,440 Speaker 9: get all the power. But I actually think the opposite 591 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 9: is true. I believe that the person that is peaceful, 592 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:56,880 Speaker 9: I believe that the person that understands their power. I 593 00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:00,800 Speaker 9: believe the person who actually constantly reminds me themselves, wait 594 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:03,880 Speaker 9: a minute, I have power here because I have power 595 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:06,040 Speaker 9: over my thoughts, I have power over my actions. I 596 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,680 Speaker 9: have power over how I allow my emotions to rise 597 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,280 Speaker 9: and fall. And it's inside that power that any single 598 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 9: person can change something for the better. 599 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 6: And you know that's what because you're responding and not reacting. Yes, 600 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,840 Speaker 6: and responding is when you come from a place of power. 601 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:26,280 Speaker 5: Yes. 602 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:31,040 Speaker 9: And it's also how you take personal responsibility. Let's talk 603 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:35,760 Speaker 9: about responsibility, because the word responsibility is just the ability 604 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:41,800 Speaker 9: to respond, and everybody has that and so when you 605 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:46,880 Speaker 9: really remind yourself of that, now you can be the 606 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:51,120 Speaker 9: person that changes everything. Because it just takes one person 607 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:54,680 Speaker 9: to change the energy and dynamic in a family. It 608 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:59,360 Speaker 9: takes one person who cares enough to change the politics 609 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:04,720 Speaker 9: in a country. It takes one person to just shift everything. 610 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 9: And if you don't like where you're at, or you 611 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,319 Speaker 9: don't like where your family's at, or you don't like 612 00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,520 Speaker 9: something in a relationship, or you don't like something in 613 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,600 Speaker 9: the world at large, that one person is you. And 614 00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:16,799 Speaker 9: as long as you give your time and energy, and 615 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:21,319 Speaker 9: you give other people power, their opinions, all of it, 616 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:26,240 Speaker 9: none of what you can control. You are not present 617 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,520 Speaker 9: to the power you actually have and the time and 618 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:31,920 Speaker 9: the energy that you need to create the change that 619 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:32,960 Speaker 9: you're capable of changing. 620 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:38,960 Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us. If you enjoy today's conversation, subscribe, share, 621 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 2: and follow us on at my Legacy Movement on social 622 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:47,040 Speaker 2: media and YouTube. New episodes drop every Tuesday, with bonus 623 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:51,720 Speaker 2: content every Thursday. At its core, This podcast honors doctor 624 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:55,640 Speaker 2: King's vision of the beloved community and the power of connection. 625 00:34:56,280 --> 00:35:00,759 Speaker 2: A Legacy Plus studio production distributed by iHeartMedia. Creator and 626 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:05,240 Speaker 2: executive producer Suzanne Hayward, Come executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen 627 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:08,160 Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.