WEBVTT - Unresolved 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:03.360 Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production 0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:09.280 of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie. 0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:13.320 Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the 0:00:13.360 --> 0:00:13.920 Other Side. 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:16.880 Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:20.040 everything on the other side. 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:23.800 Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic, 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:27.880 or to some the invisible world, life is going to 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:30.600 be more fun and much more serene. 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:35.640 Uh heck, yes it can, because, let's be honest, br in, 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:37.519 earth school is hard. In fact, you taught me. 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.080 That let's crush Earth School together. 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:49.640 Well, hello, my witchy o pooh, have I missed you? 0:00:49.640 --> 0:00:52.239 You've been like doing our show without me. It's like 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:56.120 Insider Guide from Brenda. 0:00:57.000 --> 0:00:59.840 No, it's not like that at all. It's just holding 0:00:59.880 --> 0:01:04.360 a space, just holding sacred space. Yeah yeah, So where 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:05.520 what have you been up to, my olf? 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:11.480 Well, I've been working, moving, and not sleeping. 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:13.760 That's not like you. 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:18.600 No, it's not like me. Uh so, I actually wanted 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:26.600 to hijack this episode. I'm a psychic haijacker. I'm like 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:30.920 jacking the other side I and I think part of 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:34.640 why I haven't been sleeping is I've been actually uh. There. 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:38.840 I have an unresolved grief situation. I had somebody in 0:01:38.840 --> 0:01:42.440 my life that just jumped I say, in my life. 0:01:42.520 --> 0:01:45.440 But and I'm not going to reveal it. I'm not 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:47.480 going to reveal it yet reveal I can't even speak 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:56.280 reveal it yet. Want to tell the story. Breathe elf, breathe, Yeah, 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:58.840 I want to actually unveil the story. And I think 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:01.800 part of what has been keeping me up was I 0:02:01.800 --> 0:02:04.520 believe this person contacted me the other night. But I've 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:10.120 been wanting, I've been, I've been, I think, dealing with it, 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:15.160 this this unresolved thing in my life, and I wanted 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:17.560 to share it because I've made I think I've made 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:19.760 a promise to everybody if I didn't say it this way, 0:02:20.000 --> 0:02:23.400 is you know, to be as transparent as I can 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:27.000 be vulnerable. I really believe I think everybody's probably learned 0:02:27.000 --> 0:02:31.840 this at least once. Is because I think we learned 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.960 from other people's stories. And I just I think this 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:37.840 is a doozy and I can't possibly be the only 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:41.920 one that has that is dealing with it, will deal 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:44.480 with it, or will ever deal with it. So I 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:48.079 just want to share the story and and hopefully I 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.359 can sleep tonight, So I'm gonna use y'all to sleep. 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:54.040 Is there anything before you get started? Is there anything 0:02:54.120 --> 0:02:59.000 specific that you would like from me to hold the 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:01.040 space for you? Because it sounds like it comes from 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:01.600 a deep space. 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:03.880 We'll find out it does come from you know what. 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:06.519 We're just gonna So just so y'all know, Brenda doesn't know. Shit, 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:10.360 I didn't you like the pause in between Brenna doesn't 0:03:10.400 --> 0:03:14.520 know and then the pause and shit. But I actually said, 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:17.200 I go, I need. I feel like this is important. 0:03:17.600 --> 0:03:19.840 It's definitely important to me, I hope will be important 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:23.640 to other people. And I actually want you to experience 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:27.080 the unfolding of it so you know where to come in. Okay, 0:03:27.160 --> 0:03:30.639 So yeah, of course you will. I mean you're Brenda, 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:34.760 for the love of God. Okay. So I'm going to 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:37.720 start with the story, and I'm going to start in 0:03:37.800 --> 0:03:41.280 nineteen seventy six, okay, as everything like that wasn't that 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:45.040 by centennial centennial? So in nineteen seventy six, I was 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:50.120 seven years old, and I remember the day that mom 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:54.520 came home, Margaret came home and she goes, I got 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:59.839 you something, and she got me a seven iron a No. 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:03.600 Nine iron, a seven iron, and a five iron, and 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:05.760 she took me out to the driving range at our 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:10.360 little crappy country club in my Oklahoma, and she had 0:04:10.360 --> 0:04:13.520 a bucket of range balls what they're called, and she 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:17.719 sitt here, no instruction, no nothing. So I picked up 0:04:17.720 --> 0:04:19.640 the club. I held it like a baseball bat because 0:04:19.640 --> 0:04:21.919 I had I mean, I had no instruction. I just 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:25.240 held the thing. The first time I swung and hit 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:27.920 a ball, it went high in the air and far 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:33.960 it was. I had a gift that was I was 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:38.559 born with. I had this incredible hand eye coordination. Mom 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:40.280 later in life used to say, give the kid a 0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:44.680 stick and a ball, and she can play anything. And 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:49.679 that was the beginning of what became an early career 0:04:49.960 --> 0:04:54.640 in golf for me. By the time I was nine 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:57.120 years old, I was beating about ninety five percent of 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:02.520 the people at the country club. Yeah. When I was ten, 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:08.120 I won my first state championship in Oklahoma in the 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:11.159 nine holers group because they have nine holes in eighteen 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:14.080 holes for those that don't play. And so the first 0:05:14.160 --> 0:05:16.800 year I played, I won at Southern Hills Country Club 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:22.200 u Tulsa, Oklahoma. When I was eleven, I won again 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:25.880 when I was twelve, I went up to the big 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:29.799 girls group and the eighteen holers and I was actually 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:32.760 runner up in the state and still hold a record 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:35.480 for being the youngest to ever achieve that. 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:41.640 So at twelve, you were playing eighteen holes in competition. Yeah, wow. 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:50.680 After that, I was competing nationally. I think by the 0:05:50.680 --> 0:05:52.040 time I was a senior in high school, I was 0:05:52.120 --> 0:05:55.599 ranked in the top ten in the country, being recruited 0:05:55.600 --> 0:06:03.440 by different colleges to play golf, all the while, uh 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.560 not really enjoying the game. Just to be really frank 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:07.040 about it. 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:10.440 What what kept you playing? 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:18.239 So what kept me playing was most people know about 0:06:18.279 --> 0:06:22.120 my not so fabulous on the Virgius super tragic childhood 0:06:22.120 --> 0:06:26.400 with the stepfather. It was I got out of the house, 0:06:27.360 --> 0:06:31.640 which was big bonus, and I had it was like 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:36.080 many famous in a small shitty town, you know. I 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:39.520 was Julie the golfers, really great at something. It started 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:42.280 to grow a little bit more. It was it was 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:47.719 I was adored. I was admired ways I didn't feel 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:51.839 when I was in mom's presence. Yeah, A mom was different, 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:54.080 Like it's you know, it's that whole weird household thing 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.320 of one side of the house was like heaven. The 0:06:56.360 --> 0:07:00.120 other side was hell, you know, So it was there 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:03.400 was a way to escape my life, I think, you know, 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:05.560 But honestly, I never liked it. But I was really 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:07.719 good at it, which is a really weird thing, just 0:07:07.760 --> 0:07:10.400 for the record, like to be really good at something 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:12.000 but to really not give a shit about it. And 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:15.280 also the worst part of it, well know, there's a 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:17.080 lot of worse parts of it, but a really bad 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:20.760 part of it is I was good without practicing, and 0:07:20.800 --> 0:07:24.720 everybody knew I didn't practice, and so the other girls 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:28.000 or boys that I would play against were so frustrated 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:31.600 because I didn't try. You know. I'd go out and 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:33.480 practice a little bit, and the thing is I was good. 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:36.560 It's like kind of I mean, imagine if I focused 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:43.600 and gave a shit the only thing that I truly loved, 0:07:44.320 --> 0:07:46.720 and it wasn't even me what I truly loved. And 0:07:46.760 --> 0:07:49.520 I remember my mom doing this at a golf course 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.480 called Cedar Springs, I think it was Theater something and Tulsa, 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:57.240 and it was she would follow me, she would like 0:07:57.440 --> 0:08:01.000 hide in the rough behind trees because she just wanted 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:05.440 to watch me play. And the joy I got was 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:08.200 the joy I saw on her face. That was truly 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:11.640 the joy that I had. Did she play, Oh my god, yes, 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:14.280 she was terrible. She made me hit her ball, and 0:08:14.320 --> 0:08:16.360 I remember one time she made me play with her 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:18.320 and I hit all of them. I mean, like I 0:08:18.400 --> 0:08:20.800 she would hit from where I'd hit her ball. And 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.640 one time she got so pissed off because she hit 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:25.760 her ball in the sand trap. She got in there, 0:08:25.760 --> 0:08:28.160 couldn't get out of the sandtrap, and she's yelling, God, 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:30.440 damn it, and she leans down, picks up the ball 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.080 and tosses it up on the green and I fell 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:37.520 over laughing for just how frustrated she was. But yeah, no, 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:39.480 she was not that good of a My mom wasn't. 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.080 She was a swimmer, she wasn't a golfer. Okay, she 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:47.440 did it for fun, you know. But yeah, so she 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:49.280 had a kid that was really good at this shit, 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:54.040 like I. You know, I remember being in my early 0:08:54.120 --> 0:08:57.120 teens and I would go play by myself, you know, 0:08:57.320 --> 0:09:02.040 just go out and play around, and I would hear 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:05.560 guys that were very intimidated. Some guys were great because 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:07.760 they thought it was cute. A girl was good, right, Yeah, 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:11.760 that's not really great. It was just condescending. Then there 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:15.440 were ones who were actually horrified, and then they would 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:16.920 say things like, well, she gets to play from the 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.600 red tea. So in golf, there are three teas. There's 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:22.199 the and when I play, there were the red tees. 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:25.360 The white teas were the men's teas, which were further 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:28.440 back made the whole longer. And then behind that was 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:31.320 the championship teas, and those were the blue teas. So 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:33.240 just to fuck with them all, I would play from 0:09:33.280 --> 0:09:40.200 the blue teas them not exaggerating, I mean, I don't 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:44.520 roll on. It was just what my world. What my 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:50.719 world was. So so then came college recruitment, and I 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:52.360 wanted to take a break because I want to come 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.000 back because this is a good time to hit part 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:56.520 two of this story. 0:09:57.000 --> 0:10:06.200 Okay, we'll be right back and welcome back to next 0:10:06.360 --> 0:10:08.760 the cliffhanger. Here we go. 0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:10.239 For being unresolved. 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:12.040 For being unresolved, here we go. 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:20.280 So yeah, so college of recruitment came up and I 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:23.720 was for I was supposed to go to Georgia University 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:26.640 of Georgia. I was going to be a Georgia Bulldog. 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:30.720 At the time, Georgia was ranked second in the country. 0:10:30.760 --> 0:10:35.600 They were ranked behind University of Tulsa and UH. In 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:39.680 college athletics, they only have a set amount of scholarships, 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:43.520 and I think maybe golf usually had between like six 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:46.640 full scholarships and sometimes they would split them and do whatever. 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:50.920 In the scholarship I was supposed to get at Georgia 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:54.760 was actually held by a young woman who ended up 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:58.480 red shirting. In red shirting, is you kind of sit 0:10:58.559 --> 0:11:00.560 out the year so you could keep your skull Like 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:04.199 what happens is most at most college athletes cannot make 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:07.320 it through a university in four years. 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:08.400 It is. 0:11:09.040 --> 0:11:11.520 It is. It's a lot to be a taxing athlete. 0:11:11.600 --> 0:11:13.880 It is very tax It's you don't have hardly a 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:19.040 minute to yourself. So the one I was supposed to 0:11:19.080 --> 0:11:22.600 actually get this from ended up red shirting kind of late, 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:27.760 so the coach had to pull it from me. And yeah, 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:32.120 I was, as you can imagine, devastated. I mean, I've 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:35.400 always been quite sensitive, let's be honest. I mean it's 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:37.440 not something that came up later in life. It's something 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:38.000 that came. 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:38.920 Up to birth. 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:43.719 Before that, from the get go, from the tike go, 0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:47.440 being kind of sensitive, and I was pretty despondent, like 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.160 for a couple of days, I was just distant to 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:55.559 really do anything, and my mom said to me, she said, well, honey, 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:57.920 what do you want to do? And I said, you know, 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:00.559 I've been recruited by Oklahoma. I might as well's just 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:03.560 go there. Like it was. It was that that level 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:07.280 of excitement. Yeah, and I'm being totally truthful, Like my 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:08.600 level excitement was very low. 0:12:08.960 --> 0:12:12.000 It's not what I wanted. Yeah, it's despondent, right, it was. 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:16.760 I was desponded. So I made it just really, this 0:12:16.920 --> 0:12:19.360 is interesting. So the decision I made. You're going to 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:21.080 find out how that paid off here in a minute. 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:27.560 So I ended up getting scholarship to Oklahoma, lived in 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:33.520 the jock dorms. My college roommate named Cindy was fantastic. 0:12:35.720 --> 0:12:39.439 Our coach was. I say it was because now we're 0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:44.520 headed to part of the What's end resolved. Her name 0:12:44.600 --> 0:12:50.880 was Carol Ludvigsen, who just jumped last week. And so 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:55.160 I played on the team for two years, so in 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:57.400 nineteen we started in nineteen seventy six. Now we're going 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:02.640 to fast forward to nineteen eighty nine. So I was 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:09.040 nineteen two months shy of twenty. My frontal cortex was 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:13.800 not fully formed, just to remind everybody. And somehow my 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:19.600 mother let me take an internship in Chicago, Oh mercy, 0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:22.320 and let me drive there by myself, oh, as a 0:13:22.440 --> 0:13:28.600 nineteen year old, right on the verge of twenty March. No, 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:31.079 it was all fine. I mean I made everything was fine. 0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:35.520 But while I was driving and by myself, I had 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:38.160 my ship packed in my little Mazda six two six 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:43.480 that was silver. And it's weird the things you remember 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:46.000 when you're up at three am thinking about all these 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:50.520 fine details. But I remember driving, and it was kind 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:53.240 of late in the evening. I think it was late, 0:13:53.360 --> 0:13:55.240 like two am, but it was late in the evening. 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:59.800 And my whole life, I've been a fan of three artists, 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:02.360 Neil Diamond and Murray and Barry Maneloe because that's what 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:05.439 my mother listens to. And still to this day, I 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:09.280 love all three and for all of our Canadian listeners 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:16.480 and the Canadian I'm with I'm with you to boot. 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:20.600 So on this drive, I had a cassette tape also 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:24.200 signifies the era. Also the era I had this cassette 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:26.880 tape and no cell phone, so just clear that up. 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:31.920 I was listening to this Barry Manlow Greatest Hits, and 0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:34.720 this song came up and it was I made it 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:37.720 through the Rain. I won't bother everybody, but he could 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.360 listen to it later if you care to. While that 0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:44.920 song is playing, I start thinking about I don't want 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:50.040 to play golf anymore. Oh yeah. And so I'm listening 0:14:50.040 --> 0:14:53.960 to Barry saying I made it through the rain. Couldn't 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:57.360 stop it. I had to do it, y'all. And and 0:14:57.560 --> 0:15:02.120 as I'm listening to this song, I make a decision 0:15:02.880 --> 0:15:04.600 that I'm going to quit the golf team. 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:06.480 Okay, So I just want to back up from it. 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:07.280 Yeah, back up. 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:12.240 So obviously, when we're driving alone, we have a lot 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:15.080 of time. You know that we can't distract ourselves because 0:15:15.080 --> 0:15:17.520 we're driving, so that can be helpful. Plus you have 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:21.760 music hitting the emotional field, right, But you had been 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:25.040 aware of this thought, like I don't love golf. But 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:27.920 did you know that I don't want to play anymore? 0:15:27.960 --> 0:15:30.240 Did you? Were you conscious of that before you got. 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:30.440 In the car? 0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:32.760 Okay, now that's what that's what it feels. 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:36.120 But insight, it's a little obvious though it also shows 0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:38.680 you frontal cortex. The cortex thing, is it wasn't really 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:44.000 like clicking. Because I took an internship at an ad 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:47.520 agency in Chicago. I did not plan to spend my 0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:51.080 summer playing in tournaments and practicing golf. So let's just 0:15:51.120 --> 0:15:54.160 be real clear, like there were signs, yeah, you know. 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:58.040 Okay, but also just because you're taking an internship in 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:01.960 Chicago doesn't isn't overtly saying I'm not going to golf 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:03.880 this summer. Did you not pack your clubs? 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:06.920 Fuck? No, I didn't pack my clubs. Okay, No, didn't 0:16:06.960 --> 0:16:07.920 take them with me? Nothing? 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:09.240 Oh okay, Okay. 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:12.280 Now, so obviously I and I think a lot of 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:15.360 my well i'll get to the I'll get to in 0:16:15.360 --> 0:16:20.280 the second. And so, so I made this decision. I've 0:16:20.360 --> 0:16:22.480 never felt this feeling. I never felt what I'm about 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:25.600 to describe prior to this moment, and I've never felt 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:30.400 it after. So when I'm driving me and Barry, so 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:34.440 I he shot done, and I made and I made 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:37.160 like it was like the final decision. I'm like, I 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.960 don't want to do this anymore. I want an education, 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:42.600 is really what it was like. I want an education, 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.240 and I'll give it them more than yourself. A second, 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:52.040 but the most powerful thing. I physically felt chains being 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:57.560 lifted off my neck and shoulders. I felt them, I 0:16:57.680 --> 0:16:59.800 felt weight and it was chained. 0:17:01.520 --> 0:17:05.080 Awesome, right, So I so I knew that. 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:08.200 Was my sign. Yeah, wow, doing the right thing. 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:10.840 Yeah, I didn't know. I was so constrained by this right, 0:17:10.920 --> 0:17:12.439 so blesant to buy it? Yeah? 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:15.040 Yeah, I was like imprisoned by something. I was awesome 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:17.240 at weird, right, but. 0:17:17.080 --> 0:17:19.960 It's so, it's so amazing because the body always knows. 0:17:20.200 --> 0:17:22.520 The body knows, the body knows. 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:27.439 So now remember, no cell phone, I can't talk to anybody. Yeah, 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:30.720 it's only me and Barry. Still, I make it to 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:34.960 Chicago and Anne and Neil and I know. But it 0:17:35.000 --> 0:17:37.960 was Barry who was like, he was my man help keeper. 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:45.320 He was my he's also my gay keeper. So so 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.119 I get to Chicago. I pulled into the place that 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:52.240 Mom had set up this rent, like for me to rent. Okay, 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:54.320 so here's what I thought. I was like, I don't 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:56.200 know what I thought was good I was walking into, 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:58.520 but I pretty much think I rent. I got a 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:01.160 room in a halfway house. You weren't allowed to stay 0:18:01.160 --> 0:18:03.919 there more than three months, and they provided breakfast and dinner, 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:06.560 and you had a room and he had to share 0:18:06.560 --> 0:18:08.760 a bathroom on the floor. So I think I stayed 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:10.840 in a half way house when I interned in Chicago. 0:18:10.920 --> 0:18:15.280 Just f y everybody, Oh my god. So but here's 0:18:15.280 --> 0:18:17.600 what's funny. I had a great time. I made it great. 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:18.800 Of course he did. 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.040 So they had a payphone, so I got a pay 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:24.680 phone in the hall, Yeah they did. It was a payphone. 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:28.440 Didn't everyone else there have ankle bracelets? 0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:32.119 So I mean, right, I mean it kind of seems 0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:33.920 like I was. I think I was in a half 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:37.480 way house and he was like five hundred bucks a month, 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:40.000 and back in that was a lot. Yeah, but no, 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:42.119 well it was five hundred buck. My rent in Dallas 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:43.199 was one hundred and forty. 0:18:44.680 --> 0:18:46.520 So so. 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:50.040 I'm in the halfway house. But they fed me twice 0:18:50.040 --> 0:18:53.560 a day, and uh that not unpacked my stuff. And 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:55.240 the first thing I did was I went to a payphone. 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:57.120 I called my mom and I'm like, Mom, I don't 0:18:57.119 --> 0:18:59.160 think I want to play golf anymore. Said in fact, 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:01.920 it's not just I think I don't want to. And 0:19:02.680 --> 0:19:05.159 I wasn't terrified to tell her because that's wasn't the 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:07.640 relationship that we had. And she goes baby I will 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:11.000 support you. I you know, tell me more. And I said, 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:14.720 you know, Mom, I I I think I realized something 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.720 was off when I took this episode. By the way, 0:19:17.720 --> 0:19:22.959 Micah cut along, y'all, so get comfy. So I told her. 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:25.600 I said, when I took the entrance exam to get 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:29.280 into the journalism school at University of Oklahoma, it was 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:32.560 very rare for people to pass the first time. And 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:34.880 I actually passed the first time, and I was accepted 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:37.400 to the j school. And I remember seeing my name 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:39.959 is back in the days again, pre computer, pre all 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:43.680 this shit, right like dark ages, they would they would 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:48.040 post they would post it on the glass wall or 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:51.800 glass yeah and so, and my name was on it 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:55.400 that I passed. And I remember walking out of there 0:19:55.520 --> 0:19:59.960 and I swear I floated down the stairs or ind 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:02.879 and I felt like I jumped like Mary Tyler Moore. 0:20:03.240 --> 0:20:07.440 And I told Mom, I said, I have never felt 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:12.919 that way about golf. Oh, in fact, I'll say about anything. Yeah, 0:20:13.040 --> 0:20:16.879 I never felt it. And i've and I had had 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:19.480 a hole in one and didn't give a shit. I 0:20:19.520 --> 0:20:20.920 literally had a hole in one and I kind of didn't 0:20:20.920 --> 0:20:21.320 give a shit. 0:20:21.640 --> 0:20:25.280 You had a hole in one before you were twenty yeah. 0:20:25.119 --> 0:20:29.920 Oh yeah, yeah. I was fifty playing at an AJJ 0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:34.240 tournament in uh like Lake Tahoe, uh in front of 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.960 a guy named Phil Mickelson for anybody who follows golf, 0:20:36.960 --> 0:20:40.040 who was one of the most famous male professional golfers. 0:20:41.040 --> 0:20:43.600 Didn't give a shit. I mean, I just literally didn't 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:47.800 give a shit. So I told her. And so when 0:20:47.840 --> 0:20:50.760 I told her the story, right, I told you working, 0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:51.920 you didn't know any of this stuff. 0:20:52.040 --> 0:20:53.240 I did not know any of that. 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:57.399 No, and here's the thing nobody did until today. I 0:20:57.440 --> 0:21:00.520 never talked about this. No, I've never talked about this. 0:21:00.520 --> 0:21:03.680 This has been this like kind of deep seated thing 0:21:03.680 --> 0:21:05.920 and like it's ps it's going to get way worse 0:21:05.920 --> 0:21:12.080 here in a minute. So so I told mom about it. Shees, honey, 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:14.960 I understand, she said, no, I'm going to tell you. 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:17.199 I go. What's that? She says, this is your decision. 0:21:17.240 --> 0:21:18.719 You're an adult, and you need to go take care 0:21:18.760 --> 0:21:22.200 of it. You need to call coach. I said, okay, 0:21:22.560 --> 0:21:25.600 because she also raised me that way. She raised me 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:29.639 to make your decisions and live with them, deal with 0:21:29.680 --> 0:21:32.800 the bad ones, celebrate the good ones, but you take 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:36.560 care of your own stuff. I really didn't want her 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:38.280 to say that because I wanted her to call coach 0:21:38.680 --> 0:21:41.959 for me. Secretly, I'm just gonna let y'all know I 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:44.919 wanted my mama to like step in and rescue me. 0:21:45.400 --> 0:21:47.480 Yeah, knew that was not going to happen. 0:21:48.720 --> 0:21:50.640 No, it wasn't going to happen. It was not Margaret. 0:21:51.000 --> 0:21:55.760 So I called Carol and told her I didn't want 0:21:55.760 --> 0:22:00.760 to play anymore. I vaguely remember the conversation. I remember 0:22:00.920 --> 0:22:04.040 we were both crying on the phone. I'm pretty much. 0:22:04.080 --> 0:22:07.199 I'm pretty sure. I think the overall message that I 0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:10.240 gave was it's not you, it's me. It's also true 0:22:11.000 --> 0:22:16.720 breaking up. I mean it kind of in a way. 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:20.960 So you know that was was rough and emotional and 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:25.880 all of those things. And so I ended up transferring 0:22:25.880 --> 0:22:28.920 to SMU, but I had to spend one more semester 0:22:29.359 --> 0:22:32.200 at University of Oklahoma because I had decided this big 0:22:32.200 --> 0:22:35.719 decision was too late to get into SMU and in 0:22:35.720 --> 0:22:41.400 the fall. Okay, so I embarked on probably the loneliest 0:22:41.400 --> 0:22:43.760 time I've ever had in my life. I ended up 0:22:43.760 --> 0:22:46.320 getting an apartment that was out off campus. 0:22:47.480 --> 0:22:48.280 By your people. 0:22:48.960 --> 0:22:51.800 Yeah, it was by myself because my world were the golfers, 0:22:52.000 --> 0:22:54.159 the team, and the coach, and no one spoke to 0:22:54.200 --> 0:23:02.400 me again except my friend Audra Mel's wife, Audra. They 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:07.080 all were done with me. I'm gon get into the 0:23:07.560 --> 0:23:11.960 part here. Yeah right, uh yeah. 0:23:12.040 --> 0:23:15.920 What the hell? That's awful we were. Yeah. 0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:17.480