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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and I am the host. If you are new and

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Speaker 1: don't know what couch Talks is, it is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy podcast that comes out

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Speaker 1: every single ones day, where I answer questions that you

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Speaker 1: guys send to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: Quick reminder up top that although I'm a therapist, this

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Speaker 1: podcast is called You Need Therapy and I'm answering your

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Speaker 1: questions that you guys sent me. This podcast does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a replacement or substitute for mental health services. However,

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Speaker 1: it still is allowed to be helpful. Now on couch Talks,

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Speaker 1: usually I answer one question a week, and I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: stick with that format. Today I have one question and

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Speaker 1: it actually builds off of a couple episodes I did

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Speaker 1: um recently with JP Sachs. So if you haven't listened

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Speaker 1: to those, go listen to them because I just thought

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Speaker 1: they were so great. If you haven't listened to his music,

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Speaker 1: also go listen to it because again I just think

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Speaker 1: it's so great. And also a reminder that I always

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Speaker 1: keep the emails anonymous, so you can feel really safe

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Speaker 1: sending in your question. You don't have to worry about

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Speaker 1: people figuring out if it's you. UM just be mindful

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Speaker 1: of what information you put in the email. But I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to read your name ever, and so you

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Speaker 1: can feel good about sending something in and getting some

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Speaker 1: feedback without being exposed. So here I'm going to read

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Speaker 1: the question, and then we're going to talk about it.

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Speaker 1: Here it is Hi Kat. First, let me say I

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Speaker 1: really love the podcast. I listened regularly and there have

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Speaker 1: been so many episodes that have truly helped me. The

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Speaker 1: recent episodes with JP Sacks were both so great and

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Speaker 1: eye opening. Between the two episodes, I unfortunately had a

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Speaker 1: break up. I listened to the first part before it

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Speaker 1: happened in the second part after my question is how

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Speaker 1: can I cope with all these emotions I'm feeling in

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Speaker 1: a healthy way. Logic tells me it was the right thing,

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Speaker 1: but I'm so heartbroken and sad. This was also not

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Speaker 1: a messy breakup, but rather two people who loved each

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Speaker 1: other not ending up in the same place. I think

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Speaker 1: of your words from earlier this week saying, in some

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Speaker 1: ways this would be easier if I hated him. I'm

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Speaker 1: also someone who loves the holidays, and this happening now

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Speaker 1: threatens to take that from me. I miss him so

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Speaker 1: much and it's so hard to think I cannot call

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Speaker 1: him to make me feel better. I don't want my

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Speaker 1: sadness to color the joy that was our relationship, but

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Speaker 1: it sometimes feels worse to know it was so wonderful

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Speaker 1: and now it's just over. I don't want this to

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Speaker 1: ruin all the inner work I've done over the years,

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Speaker 1: but I'm really really struggling. If there's any advice you

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Speaker 1: can offer, i'd really appreciate it. Thanks for all you do.

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Speaker 1: So I want to start with saying I am so

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Speaker 1: sorry that you were going through all of this, although

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Speaker 1: it's probably necessary and it sounds like it was something

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Speaker 1: that you needed to do and it was the right

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Speaker 1: thing for you. I never wish hurt on anybody, and

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Speaker 1: things that are necessary sometimes cause some hurt. So I'm

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Speaker 1: sorry going through that. And at the same time, I'm

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Speaker 1: glad that these episodes came out at the time that

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Speaker 1: they did, because it seems like they are very helpful

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Speaker 1: in this season for you. And yeah, I very much

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Speaker 1: relate to if I if I could hate him, this

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Speaker 1: would be easier, that whole sentiment. I think that is

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Speaker 1: so often why we look for things that are wrong

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Speaker 1: with people after relationships, and even if they're just friendships,

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Speaker 1: because we want something to help us actually move through

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Speaker 1: this faster or make it make more sense. And then

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Speaker 1: these people who we love turned into jerks, when in reality,

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Speaker 1: maybe they just didn't end up being our people. And

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Speaker 1: I know that I've done this, and I've I've heard

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Speaker 1: these stories that we tell about the fact that their liars,

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Speaker 1: when in reality they just maybe change their mind and

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Speaker 1: it could have happened unexpectedly, and it maybe it happened slowly,

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Speaker 1: and maybe they didn't want it to happen, or maybe

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Speaker 1: we were the people that changed our minds, and we

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Speaker 1: tell the story that these people are bad and they're

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Speaker 1: liars and they're deceitful. But I think a difficult part

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Speaker 1: of being in their relationship with another human is that

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Speaker 1: we're are constantly growing and changing, and sometimes those changes

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Speaker 1: poor relationships closer together, and sometimes they push them further apart.

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Speaker 1: And one of the toughest emotional experiences to go through

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Speaker 1: is what you're expressing to love somebody deeply and also

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Speaker 1: be in that place of acceptance that your lives cannot

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Speaker 1: align in a way that makes both parties involved satisfied.

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Speaker 1: And speaking of all of this, it's we're talking about grief, right.

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Speaker 1: All of this is a grief is kind of like

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Speaker 1: wound through it. And grief is frustrating for a lot

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Speaker 1: of reasons, and one of those reasons is that it

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Speaker 1: shows up in a million different ways. There isn't a

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Speaker 1: roadmap that we can offer people. There's not a timeline

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Speaker 1: I can give people. You might go through the same

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Speaker 1: thing and people might go down two different paths, so

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Speaker 1: that I wish that I had, like a workstreet I

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Speaker 1: could give you that's like, this is how you do this,

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Speaker 1: and this is how you get through this, and this

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Speaker 1: is when it will feel different. But that's not how

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Speaker 1: grief works. And um, we all need to be on

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Speaker 1: our own individual journeys because those journeys take us where

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Speaker 1: we individually need to go. Now, this listener asked a

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Speaker 1: civic question, so I definitely want to address that before

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Speaker 1: I go down a tangent, because you know I could

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Speaker 1: do that. And that question is how can I cope

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Speaker 1: with all these emotions I'm feeling in a healthy way.

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Speaker 1: So my simple answer is just to let yourself feel

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Speaker 1: them rather than try to make them go away. You

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Speaker 1: might need something to aid in your ability to sit

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Speaker 1: and allow yourself to feel those feelings. You might need

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Speaker 1: some comfort. And a lot of times when we are

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Speaker 1: looking for comfort, that comes in forms that actually dig

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Speaker 1: us into deeper holes, maybe sideways holes, or actually help

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Speaker 1: us avoid what's actually going on. And we are avoiding

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Speaker 1: our feelings versus comforting ourselves in our feelings. And most

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Speaker 1: of you have probably heard me talk about this, but

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Speaker 1: feelings are guides, their tools, They give us information, they

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Speaker 1: signal needs within us. And I like to describe this

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Speaker 1: to people with the image of a dashboard in a car.

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Speaker 1: So when a light comes on, it's pretty frustrating, right,

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Speaker 1: pretty annoying, what have you? Because I know, specifically for me,

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Speaker 1: there's not a light in my car that's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna win a prize and you should feel joyful.

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Speaker 1: It's usually signaling that there's something that needs to be addressed.

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Speaker 1: And I personally don't really want to address things on

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Speaker 1: my car because it's overwhelming to me and it costs

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Speaker 1: money and it takes time out of my day, and

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Speaker 1: it's just inconvenient. Now I could take a piece of

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Speaker 1: cardboard over my dashboard and I could ignore all of

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Speaker 1: those lights. The thing about that is it does not

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Speaker 1: mean that the lights actually go away. Those lights still

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Speaker 1: truthfully need attention. I'm just ignoring the fact that that

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Speaker 1: is reality. Our feelings are the same way. We can

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Speaker 1: try to get rid of those feelings, but often that

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Speaker 1: just gets us into more trouble. If I ignore that

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Speaker 1: I need to get my oil changed, eventually my engine

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Speaker 1: is going to blow up, right, So me ignoring it

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Speaker 1: didn't make it no longer are necessary. It actually just

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Speaker 1: caused a bigger problem and cost me more money. So

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Speaker 1: if we ignore our feelings, and if we avoid our

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Speaker 1: feelings because we think we're coping, but really we're just

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Speaker 1: avoiding that feeling will show up somewhere somehow, and probably

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Speaker 1: in a way that's not as helpful. Our job is

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Speaker 1: not to make our feelings disappear. It's to listen to

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Speaker 1: what they are saying. And something that is very helpful,

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Speaker 1: and it seems really simple to say, is when we

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Speaker 1: actually can accept that our feelings are actually helpful things.

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Speaker 1: They are like the lights on our dashboard, they are saying, hey,

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Speaker 1: this needs this here, or hey you need to do

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Speaker 1: this here, Hey this needs attention. When we can acknowledge

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Speaker 1: that we can turn our feelings from these monsters, these

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Speaker 1: bad things to these actually like almost like fairy godmothers.

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Speaker 1: Wouldn't really call them fairy godmothers. But again, like I

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Speaker 1: said earlier, guides that are there to help us move

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Speaker 1: through whatever it is that we're moving through now out.

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Speaker 1: Like I said, sometimes our feelings are really overwhelming and

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Speaker 1: so we need some comfort. That is, I think what

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Speaker 1: you're asking when you say, how do I cope? What

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Speaker 1: are healthy ways to cope with my emotions? Because sometimes

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Speaker 1: we cope with emotions by drinking or overspending, or dating

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Speaker 1: apps or working out or eating. And I would say

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Speaker 1: those are ways that we cope that lead to us avoiding,

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Speaker 1: versus ways that we can cope and sit in. So

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Speaker 1: I want you to think about having two experiences at

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Speaker 1: the same time. Right, So let's just say my coping

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Speaker 1: skill or the thing that I'm going to use to

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Speaker 1: help me cope is a conversation with a good friend.

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Speaker 1: So I might be crying through that conversation and I

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Speaker 1: might be feeling a lot of pain, and I also

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Speaker 1: feel connection, and I feel love, and I feel bonded

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Speaker 1: to this person that I'm having this conversation with. And

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Speaker 1: maybe I'm not even having the conversation. Maybe I just

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Speaker 1: want to have a friend there. And maybe I want

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Speaker 1: to watch a movie with a friend, and I can

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Speaker 1: feel sad watching this movie, and I also can feel

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Speaker 1: loved and loving having this this friend with me at

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Speaker 1: the same time, if we want to think about something

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Speaker 1: more tangible, like a warm bath or blanket or stuffed animal,

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Speaker 1: I know when I am am feeling sad, I want

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Speaker 1: to hold onto something and so that is comforting me

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Speaker 1: as I'm actually feeling the hurt and the pain doesn't

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Speaker 1: take it away. It just allows me to have both

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Speaker 1: of those things, so I'm not completely overwhelmed. And some

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Speaker 1: of those things that I mentioned before, they don't all

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Speaker 1: have to be bad. It's the manner in which we

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Speaker 1: use them. So food sometimes can be really comforting. If

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Speaker 1: there is a recipe that reminds me of being taken

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Speaker 1: care of by my mom, and that's a good memory

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Speaker 1: that I have, that I might make that recipe. Warm

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Speaker 1: foods can be really comforting, so I might want to

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Speaker 1: make some soup or like the act of making that soup.

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Speaker 1: But if I enjoy cooking, that might be something that

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Speaker 1: is a a good coping skill. But when when you

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Speaker 1: think about coping with emotions, I want you to think

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Speaker 1: about ways that I can sit in my emotions rather

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Speaker 1: than change them or avoid them. And if I'm avoiding

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Speaker 1: them or I'm working to change them, if that's in

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Speaker 1: my m O, that's when I know then I'm on

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Speaker 1: kind of the wrong path. I to, like, you know,

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Speaker 1: make a little turn. Something that I used to cope

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Speaker 1: when I was going through a breakup and that I

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Speaker 1: use multiple times going through breakup is listening to music.

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Speaker 1: And I would listen to really really sad songs. And

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Speaker 1: some people will be like, what why are you doing that?

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Speaker 1: You're just like, you know, adding misery to misery. But

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Speaker 1: for me, what I was doing is I was listening

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Speaker 1: to a song that was written by somebody who must

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Speaker 1: have felt those things that at some point, because you

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Speaker 1: can't just like write some of these emotional songs out

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Speaker 1: of nowhere. So in my head, I was listening to

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Speaker 1: a song that somebody had written that means that they

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Speaker 1: have felt the things. If I'm relating to this song,

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Speaker 1: they have also felt these things that I'm feeling, so

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Speaker 1: I'm not alone in that. And since there's been other

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Speaker 1: people that have moved through this, that means that there

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Speaker 1: is hope for me to also move through this. And

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Speaker 1: so if I have a belief that this isn't going

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Speaker 1: to last forever, I can easier sit in this feeling

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Speaker 1: that I'm in right now and honor it while doing that.

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Speaker 1: And I have a whole playlist on my Spotify called

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Speaker 1: this Is for Crying, So if you need some sad

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Speaker 1: songs there you go go to my Spotify playlist. I'll

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Speaker 1: link it in the show notes. Actually, but there's one

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Speaker 1: specific song that I would listen over and over and

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Speaker 1: over and over and over and over and over a

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Speaker 1: million times, and it's a song by Johnny Swim and

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Speaker 1: it is called let It Matter. And I want to

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Speaker 1: just read the chorus, although I need you guys to

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Speaker 1: listen to the song because me reading it does not

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Speaker 1: do it justice at all, and there's so much emotion

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Speaker 1: in actually the music. But this specific song was really helpful,

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to read the chorus and then I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna tell you why it was so helpful to me,

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Speaker 1: and the chorus goes, run, Baby, Run, Don't you know

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Speaker 1: that I've tried, But escape is a waste. Ain't no

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Speaker 1: use in hiding, you know? The best way over is through.

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Speaker 1: So if it matters, let it matter. If your heart's breaking,

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Speaker 1: let it ache. Catch those pieces as they scatter. No,

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Speaker 1: your hurt is not in vain. Don't hide yourself from

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Speaker 1: the horror. Hurt today, here, tomorrow. If it's fragile and

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Speaker 1: it shatters, let it matter, Let it matter. And I

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Speaker 1: love this song, and I love the specific part of

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Speaker 1: the song, and I could still listen to it a

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Speaker 1: million times over because it's saying so much truth right.

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Speaker 1: Escape is a waste. There's no use in that. The

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Speaker 1: best way over something is going through it. There is

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Speaker 1: power in moving through something versus avoiding something. And the

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Speaker 1: other reason I really like this is because it says,

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Speaker 1: over and over, if it matters, let it matter. And

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Speaker 1: what this specific listener who wrote this email, It sounds

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Speaker 1: like what you're going through really matters, and rather than

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Speaker 1: trying to make it into something you don't care about,

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Speaker 1: there's power and acknowledging that, Like this is painful because

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Speaker 1: it mattered to you, This relationship mattered to you being

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Speaker 1: in relationships matter to you. People that you love matter

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Speaker 1: to you, Experiences matter to you. And I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to avoid that and ignore that, because that's like

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Speaker 1: a true part of who you are and it's a

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Speaker 1: true part of your story. And that's actually a way

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Speaker 1: that we can in the future look back and not

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Speaker 1: have to like throw out this whole relationship because it

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Speaker 1: didn't work out the way I envisioned in my mind,

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Speaker 1: um when I was in it or in the beginning

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Speaker 1: of it. It can still be good even though it

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Speaker 1: ended at some point. And so I really recommend listening

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Speaker 1: to that song and what I would say to anybody

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Speaker 1: that is in a space like this, there are going

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Speaker 1: to be ups and downs. They are going to be

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Speaker 1: sideways turns and weird feelings as you move through the

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Speaker 1: stages of grief. And there is no timeline for this

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Speaker 1: grief process either. There might be parts of you that

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Speaker 1: will forever be sad about the ending of the relationship,

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Speaker 1: but it does not matter that something else also can't

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Speaker 1: pop up for you. Again, we can have more than

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Speaker 1: one emotion apt time. So I would encourage you to

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Speaker 1: focus on not the destination of where you actually want

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Speaker 1: to go where you want to end up, But I

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Speaker 1: would encourage you to focus on where you are right now.

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Speaker 1: Listen to the feelings that are coming up right now.

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Speaker 1: Find something that allows you to sit in and comfort

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Speaker 1: you while you're sitting in those feelings so you can

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Speaker 1: listen to them. Figure out what that light on the

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Speaker 1: dashboard is signifying to you. What is the need, whether

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Speaker 1: that's an emotional need, of physical need, a tangible need,

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Speaker 1: psychological need. What is the need? And this holiday season

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Speaker 1: is probably gonna be really tough, and that tough can

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Speaker 1: be a good thing, even though that feels weird to say.

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Speaker 1: Just because something is painful, it doesn't necessarily mean that

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Speaker 1: you did something wrong or it's bad. Change is painful

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Speaker 1: just because change involves loss, and that is even when

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Speaker 1: we're changing for good. So my heart is with all

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Speaker 1: the people that are relating to this email, especially to

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Speaker 1: the listener that wrote this. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: writing it, Um And again, I am so sorry that

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Speaker 1: you are feeling what you're feeling, and I'm also grateful

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Speaker 1: that you are allowing yourself to do this in the

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Speaker 1: healthiest way that you can possibly do with the tools

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Speaker 1: and the things that you know that is going to

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Speaker 1: do it for me today. Guys, if you have any questions,

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Speaker 1: if you have any feedback, you can send that to

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Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I am

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Speaker 1: going to go ahead and let you guys know that

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Speaker 1: my birthday is this weekend. It's on Sunday, so I'm

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Speaker 1: going to ask this next week. But I'm also going

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Speaker 1: to ask for an early birthday present, and that is

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Speaker 1: for you guys. If you have not done so yet

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Speaker 1: to rate and comment on the podcast, you can now

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Speaker 1: rate on Spotify so you can do that there on

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. I would love for you to scroll down

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Speaker 1: to the bottom, give us five stars and leave some

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Speaker 1: words of encouragement to future listeners or me or maybe yourself,

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Speaker 1: whatever you want to say. Also, if you have constructive feedback,

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Speaker 1: I love that as well. I would prefer you to

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Speaker 1: send that to my email catheret you need thevery Podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. But yeah, for my birthday or just loved

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Speaker 1: some podcast ratings because those are helpful and they mean

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Speaker 1: a lot to me. Okay, Well, I will be back

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Speaker 1: on Monday for a new episode and I will be

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Speaker 1: one year older at that time. In the meantime, uh,

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Speaker 1: you can follow me at cat dot de Fatah and

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Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy podcast and I hope you have

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Speaker 1: the days, the moments, the feelings that you need to

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Speaker 1: have by