1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,120 Speaker 1: Welcome to Pretty Private with Ebine, a space where no 2 00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:07,360 Speaker 1: question is off limits and storylines become lifelines. The views 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:10,400 Speaker 1: shared by our guests are meant to inform, entertain, and empower. 4 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 1: From the laughs to the lessons. Just remember tough times 5 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:23,640 Speaker 1: don't last, but professional home girls do enjoy the show. 6 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:27,440 Speaker 2: What's up y'all? 7 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 3: Eshagar Ebine here and I hope all is cute now. 8 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,839 Speaker 3: Welcome back to Pretty Private with Ebine, where storylines are 9 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 3: becoming lifelines. 10 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,800 Speaker 2: And I know y'all having feening. 11 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,159 Speaker 3: For part two with our girl Janie, the daughter of 12 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,159 Speaker 3: the late great Bernie Meck. But before we jump into 13 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 3: this week's episode, I just want to say thank you, 14 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,280 Speaker 3: thank you, thank you so much for all of the 15 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,519 Speaker 3: birthday love. My birthday was February the eighth, and y'all 16 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 3: really know how to make a girl feel special. So 17 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 3: if you are still in the given mood, because God 18 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 3: loves a cheer forgiver, the best gift if you can 19 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,080 Speaker 3: give me is your support. So share this podcast with 20 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,360 Speaker 3: a loved one, shout us out on Instagram, Grab a 21 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,639 Speaker 3: coloring book from the show notes below, and don't forget 22 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,480 Speaker 3: to leave a five star review on Apple podcast and 23 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:16,600 Speaker 3: or Spotify. Hold me down, don't hold me up, okay. 24 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 3: And also I'll be dropping a solo episode very soon, 25 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 3: so if you have a question you want me to answer, 26 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 3: please make sure to email me at hello at the 27 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 3: psgpodcast dot com. Now, in Part two of my conversation 28 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 3: with Janie mccolor, we go even deeper as she reflects 29 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 3: on the moments leading up to her father's passing. She 30 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,959 Speaker 3: opens up about whether she carries any regrets, and today 31 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,800 Speaker 3: we talk honestly about grief and how a loss so 32 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 3: heavy can sometimes turn into anger and the emotional way 33 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 3: it leaves behind. Janie also reflects on what she witnesses 34 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,760 Speaker 3: about her own father's relationship with grief, giving us a 35 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 3: greater understanding of the man he was beyond the spotlight, 36 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,480 Speaker 3: and in one of the most heartfelt parts of our 37 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 3: Conversationie shares how his pass and reshape her relationship with 38 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 3: her mother and what it has looked like to navigate love, family, 39 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 3: and heal and after losing her father. Bernie mack So, y'all, 40 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 3: I am just super, super super proud of this conversation. 41 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 3: I'm so thankful that your niece came on the show 42 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,920 Speaker 3: and was just so vulnerable with us. So please get 43 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,960 Speaker 3: ready and get comfortable, because my conversation with your niece, 44 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 3: Part two starts now. And So that first week that 45 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 3: he was in the hospital, I was mad. That entire 46 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,920 Speaker 3: first week, I was so mad at him. I was 47 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 3: so mad, And it's so hard to be mad at 48 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,760 Speaker 3: someone who's not even conscious, who's on a ventilator. You can't. 49 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 3: And I just was looking at him like, you did this, 50 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,519 Speaker 3: you did this. You were fine, Everything was fine. And 51 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,239 Speaker 3: then week two he took a turn for the worse. 52 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 3: They thought he might die week two, and that's kind 53 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,799 Speaker 3: of when my anger let it and I was like, 54 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 3: oh my gosh, wait, you think he could die? Because 55 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 3: even with him being on the ventilator, I still wasn't. 56 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 2: Like this he could pull it through, right. 57 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 3: I was like, he's he's gonna be fine. Sure, this 58 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,160 Speaker 3: is the worst it's ever been because he's all prior 59 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 3: to that one, he had never been on the ventilator. 60 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 3: When he got hospital wised that was this was the 61 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,520 Speaker 3: most severe. But even in that, my mindset was still 62 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,799 Speaker 3: like he's gonna be fine. Yeah, he'll wake up. And 63 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,760 Speaker 3: then he was waking up and fighting and trying to 64 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 3: pull the two battles. 65 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:26,160 Speaker 2: Now still being starborn. It's like, come on now, right, 66 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 2: So you know, for me. 67 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 3: Seeing him do that, I'm like, see, I told him, 68 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 3: look right, he's fine, everybody, I told you. And week three. 69 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,920 Speaker 3: Week three was odd because week like, the first batt 70 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 3: of pneumonia, clear it up at the end of week one. 71 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 3: Week two is when he caught another fever, a low 72 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 3: grade fever, and then they said it was another bat 73 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,480 Speaker 3: of pneumonia, and then come to find out he had 74 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 3: contracted mercer while in the hospital as well, which you 75 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 3: know that's a that's a deadly infection. So week three, 76 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 3: like everything was clearing up, and I think, did he 77 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 3: have another low radfe? I think he was doing better 78 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 3: week three and it looked like, Okay, he's gonna be fine, 79 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 3: Like he's gonna be fine. And I remember that Wednesday, 80 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,799 Speaker 3: I woke up out of my I had a terrible 81 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,719 Speaker 3: dream that he was gonna die that Wednesday, and I 82 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 3: woke up and I wouldn't tell anybody about it because 83 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,960 Speaker 3: I was like, if I tell it, that might make 84 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,919 Speaker 3: it real, and I don't let that be real. So 85 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 3: by that Friday, they were saying everything's gonna be fine. 86 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:35,720 Speaker 3: He's he's doing better. They tried to take him off 87 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 3: the ventilator, and his lungs just weren't strong enough to 88 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 3: ever get off the ventilator. That's really the real reason 89 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 3: why I think he wasn't gonna make it. Every time 90 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,960 Speaker 3: they tried to get him off the ventilator, his lungs 91 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,279 Speaker 3: just were like no, yeah, I ain't do it. Not 92 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 3: gonna happen. And he was just too far gone. And 93 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,160 Speaker 3: they had told us everything was fine, and they were 94 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,160 Speaker 3: just gonna, you know, go change his pick line and 95 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 3: do you know, normal routine stuff. And it was such 96 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,359 Speaker 3: an eerie day because, you know, the icy you stays 97 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,479 Speaker 3: crowded because there's a bunch of people in the ICU. 98 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,480 Speaker 3: But that morning, the lobby was empty. It was just 99 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 3: my mother and grandmother there and I'm like, nah, I'll 100 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 3: come here every day and it's full of people and 101 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:20,119 Speaker 3: it's just us. 102 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 4: Yeah. 103 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 3: They were just like oh no, you know, I'm like yo, 104 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 3: and it's just like a okay, you know, I guess 105 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 3: that's what you're saying, all right. And I had bought 106 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:33,679 Speaker 3: my mom tickets to see Jill Scott for her birthday 107 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,799 Speaker 3: the month before, but the concert wasn't until that that Friday, 108 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 3: and I remember telling her because by that point I 109 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 3: had taken her phone. I had because it got to 110 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 3: be too much. And it's the thing that I don't 111 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:50,520 Speaker 3: think people understand. We're already living it and going through it. 112 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,360 Speaker 3: I know you care, but if you care, show up 113 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,920 Speaker 3: for ask what can we do for you? Don't appear right, 114 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,720 Speaker 3: don't keep calling. Well what they say, Well, what's happenings? 115 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,839 Speaker 3: And I just like I got tired of watching her 116 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,039 Speaker 3: repeatedly she get on the phone with one person. Well yeah, 117 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 3: the doctor said this, okay, I'll keep you posted, and 118 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,919 Speaker 3: then here going somebody call well, Ronda. So I was 119 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,279 Speaker 3: like getting you a phone, you. 120 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 2: Know, and I can only imagine, like who can you 121 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:15,039 Speaker 2: really trust? 122 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 3: Like this is a very vulnerable time in our family's lives, 123 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,440 Speaker 3: like we're trying to navigate and figure out what's going on. Yeah, 124 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 3: and people, you know, tensions were really high. I remember 125 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,840 Speaker 3: there was a point where his manager was calling, like, well, 126 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,920 Speaker 3: and he was calling us like we were in some 127 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 3: like backcountry woods place, like we weren't at Northwestern Hospital 128 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 3: in Chicago. Well we can have him airlifted too, you know, 129 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:42,479 Speaker 3: I can have the best doctors and we're like no, 130 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 3: because in his body he would not have been able 131 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 3: to be airlifted anywhere. Like no, you're not there. We're 132 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 3: here like with. 133 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,720 Speaker 2: His family, right, you think he's not. 134 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 3: Getting the best you think we wouldn't let him get 135 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 3: the best care. So it was a lot going on 136 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,479 Speaker 3: at that time. Like that's why, like I remember being 137 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 3: feeling true when Jamie Fox, you know, fell ill and 138 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 3: his family you know, letting. I remember, I was like 139 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 3: this is way too familiar for me. I gosh, because 140 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 3: I know that feeling, yeah, there's something major and you 141 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 3: don't know, you don't want everybody to know, because like 142 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,840 Speaker 3: you said, can you trust because people and come to 143 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 3: find out people were, you know, sharing pictures of him 144 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:28,640 Speaker 3: in the hospital. You know, yeah, oh that is disgusting. Yeah, 145 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,520 Speaker 3: it's a lot, like it's it, you know, even even 146 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 3: as far as just trying to get to the hospital. 147 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 3: I remember, like cause I think it was like that 148 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,520 Speaker 3: third week, especially when paparazzi was really there, and I 149 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 3: remember like one day like dressing my you know, trying 150 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 3: to fix my hair and put on me and I 151 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 3: was like I don't feel like doing all of this, 152 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,000 Speaker 3: Like I don't. But my friend was like, well, you 153 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,680 Speaker 3: know you got to look like that because you know 154 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,800 Speaker 3: if you don't, you know, they'll have you paparazzi. Like, oh, 155 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,960 Speaker 3: like my dad is like dying. I don't want to yet, 156 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 3: but it's yeah stuff. Yeah, it was heavy, It really was. 157 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 3: I think a lot of times people forget because I 158 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,360 Speaker 3: had a conversation with John Michelle Boskia. I had a 159 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 3: conversation with his sister Lisa shout out to her and 160 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,840 Speaker 3: we were talking about how people forget like Okay, this 161 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 3: may be a comedian, your favorite comedy, or this may 162 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 3: be you may be a huge fan or artist, but 163 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,320 Speaker 3: this is our family, like this is real life of us. 164 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 3: And she was like, you know, people forget like the 165 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,400 Speaker 3: things that we're going through, and people can be so insensitive, 166 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 3: like who cares. 167 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 2: How I look if my father is in the hospital dying. 168 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:42,200 Speaker 3: Exactly even after he died, I remember people would walk 169 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 3: up to me like who were fans? You know you're 170 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 3: not the only one that lost and we lost him too, 171 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 3: who are you? And it? Y see this is I'm like, 172 00:08:55,200 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 3: I ain't nine year olds. This is like forget Like 173 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:02,719 Speaker 3: I'm like, you better gone for your. 174 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's even I'm disgusting man. 175 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, even you know, even now I have people say 176 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,080 Speaker 3: off the wall stuff because now he's at a place 177 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 3: where he's so beloved, and he always said this would happen. 178 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 3: He used to always say, if you ever want to 179 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 3: be loved and be special, just die. Yeah, he used 180 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 3: to say it all the time. So it's like now 181 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 3: and I don't even if you follow me and see 182 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 3: me speak of my dad, you, I don't say I 183 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 3: don't have anything negative to say about my dad. Now 184 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 3: I do tell the truth. Yeah, I've had people, you know, 185 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 3: accuse me of speaking ill on him and your right, 186 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:46,679 Speaker 3: and I'm like, girl, right, and I'll never forget this 187 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,800 Speaker 3: person said to me. The thing that people like you 188 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:54,960 Speaker 3: don't understand is a lot of times we as the fans, 189 00:09:55,320 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 3: we love him more than y'all do. And I was like, oh, 190 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:04,960 Speaker 3: you you really want to get sucked up right now? Right? No, 191 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 3: you couldn't possibly audacity? 192 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 5: Yeah that you think you don't even know him, right, 193 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,440 Speaker 5: you don't know you know his work, you know the 194 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,280 Speaker 5: persona you don't know? 195 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 2: How did you fix your mouth like say that to 196 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 2: somebody's child? 197 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:28,440 Speaker 3: Yo? Yeah? The people say some wild stuff they do. Wow. 198 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,839 Speaker 3: So when you look back at the time you did 199 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 3: have with your dad, is there anything that you would 200 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 3: do differently? Because one thing I always say is, you know, 201 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 3: my grandmother, she passed away from dementia. And I remember 202 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 3: my cousin saying, because at that time, I didn't even 203 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,360 Speaker 3: know what a caretake. It was like we didn't have 204 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 3: the language that we have now when it comes to 205 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,200 Speaker 3: like providing services to our loved ones. And I just 206 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 3: did not have patience, Like I used to be so 207 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,000 Speaker 3: angry because I felt like that was the only person 208 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:57,079 Speaker 3: that just loved me unconditionally. And I remember my cousin saying, like, Yo, 209 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,920 Speaker 3: you need to be a little more nicer, because you're 210 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,439 Speaker 3: going to regret all the time that you could have 211 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 3: had with her because you were just so angry. And 212 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,320 Speaker 3: that's something I always think about. So I wonder for you, like, 213 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 3: is there anything you would have did differently? No, I 214 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,760 Speaker 3: actually I was the one like my regrets more stem 215 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 3: from him, Like I wish he and I as much 216 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,079 Speaker 3: as I understand why he was the way that he was, 217 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,719 Speaker 3: I wish that he could have been more tender, not 218 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 3: just with me and my mom, but even with himself. Fact, yeah, 219 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:38,679 Speaker 3: I do. I wish that for him. I'm the only 220 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,080 Speaker 3: thing I will say is there was a moment my 221 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 3: daughter was a newborn and we had went over to 222 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 3: the house and he, I tell people like he he 223 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,880 Speaker 3: had me looking at him like who are you? Who 224 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 3: was this man? Who is banar Jeffrey? Because this ain't 225 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 3: And he was holding my daughter in his arms on 226 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 3: the couch and he just broke down crying. Oh my 227 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,120 Speaker 3: And I can count on one hand the number of 228 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,720 Speaker 3: times I've seen my dad cry. And I remember when 229 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,240 Speaker 3: he started crying. My mom and I both ran over 230 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 3: to him like straw, what happened? Like what is it? 231 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,199 Speaker 3: And through like he's sobbing, He's full on sobbing, and 232 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,079 Speaker 3: he goes I never thought it could be this good. 233 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 3: And I remember like looking at him. Now, initially I 234 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:32,720 Speaker 3: was mad because I was like, fool, fifty years old, 235 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 3: you could have. 236 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 2: Been this happy right right, Like where was I at? 237 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:41,560 Speaker 3: What? And it wasn't even so much about me being 238 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:44,439 Speaker 3: like you had me. It was just you could have 239 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 3: been happy. Yeah, you're the one that stood in a 240 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:47,319 Speaker 3: way like. 241 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: Oh why are you huh? 242 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,680 Speaker 3: It took it to fifty to get that and now 243 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,079 Speaker 3: over the years. You know, again, I was thirty when 244 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 3: that moment? Was I thirty yet? No, I haven't even 245 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 3: I was twenty nine. I think I just turned twenty 246 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,240 Speaker 3: twenty eight. No, I was still maybe told yeah, my 247 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 3: daughter was still a newborn. I was twenty eight, So 248 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 3: I was twenty eight when that home moment happened. So 249 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,880 Speaker 3: as the years have gone on and I've looked at 250 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 3: that moment, I've softened and I feel so much gratitude 251 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,319 Speaker 3: now that he had that moment, even if it was brief. 252 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 3: For that brief moment, he knew happiness. Yeah, And that's 253 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,439 Speaker 3: really that's all I've ever wanted for my dad because 254 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,400 Speaker 3: I I tell people as a kid and I used 255 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 3: to ask us to be like, what is wrong with you? 256 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 3: It's like you like you allergic to happiness because it 257 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,960 Speaker 3: was my mom and I used to say it. It 258 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 3: was always like when everything was calm and we could 259 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 3: be happy, that's when he would come. 260 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,600 Speaker 2: In like, oh, no, that's just going to happened. 261 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,319 Speaker 3: Yeah, And he'd come in and create an issue and 262 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,000 Speaker 3: you'd be looking at him like what what are we 263 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 3: just like, what is this about? So I wished for 264 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 3: him that he could have had that, you know, tenderness 265 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,600 Speaker 3: and been able to let that go and allow himself 266 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 3: to be happier. But as far as me and him, nah, 267 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 3: I can confidently say I was a good daughter, like 268 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 3: I was the daughter you And he had said this 269 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 3: over the end, like he loved to tell people my daughter, 270 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 3: and I didn't. I told you I was all about love, like, hey, 271 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 3: you're my dad, I love you. Let's look like, yeah, 272 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 3: I can't be be love man, what's wrong with you? Yeah? 273 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 3: But I can only imagine at that moment when he 274 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 3: finally felt happiness because you know, back in the day 275 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,160 Speaker 3: black men, they were encouraged to share how they felt. 276 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,640 Speaker 3: And then all the things that he went through, I 277 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,960 Speaker 3: can only imagine what his relationship with grief was. And 278 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 3: I feel like when we was growing up, like we 279 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 3: didn't talk about grief, Like no, when it hit me, 280 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 3: I was like I used to look at people Grandma's 281 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,040 Speaker 3: and start crying even though that I was grieving. Listen, 282 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 3: you know, I didn't. I knew grief was sadness and 283 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 3: I knew I would cry. 284 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,120 Speaker 2: But I ain't know it was like that I didn't. 285 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 3: I wasn't prepared for the anger. Yeah, I would look 286 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 3: at people with their fathers and even actually I would 287 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 3: look at some relatives like you're useless, ass still here facts, 288 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,680 Speaker 3: Oh my daddies for real? You get you useless? 289 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 2: And I was so anger with God. 290 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,280 Speaker 3: I was girl like, don't talk to me. Don't I 291 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 3: don't want to people. Come giving me scripture? You want 292 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 3: me to punch you in your throat? Come give me 293 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 3: some give me some God platitude. Girl. I wasn't prepared 294 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 3: for the anger. I was so and I was mad 295 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,200 Speaker 3: at him. I was like you, I know you said 296 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 3: you might not always be here, but ain't no read 297 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 3: you ain't got no reason to be gone. What you're 298 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 3: doing being gone? 299 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 2: Like yeah, and you left me here. 300 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 3: With this this book, like this is what you let 301 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,960 Speaker 3: me with, right, I was. I was not at all 302 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 3: prepared for the anger, but to your point, the grief especially, 303 00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:00,120 Speaker 3: that's I realize now that my dad was carrying a 304 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:06,800 Speaker 3: lot of grief. He had a cousin, Vicky. I think 305 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 3: he and Vicky were closing age. So Vicky died when 306 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 3: they were like around ten. And like you said, people 307 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 3: didn't talk about grief, so it didn't get talked about. 308 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,320 Speaker 3: Just Vicky's here Viggi's dead. That's it. Then you know 309 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 3: he's sixteen. His mom dies. And what really breaks my 310 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 3: heart when I think about that is my grandmother had 311 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 3: had breast cancer for a while, like she'd had a 312 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 3: double masectomy. 313 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 2: Wow. 314 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 3: Never He accidentally walked in on her after she had 315 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 3: her misectomy and was and he said, she like covered 316 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,640 Speaker 3: herself and he said he was, like, mama's wrong, like 317 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,480 Speaker 3: what happened. 318 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 2: And that's probably what tall him to cover this. Yeah, 319 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:47,600 Speaker 2: he said. 320 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 3: She looked at him and said can I help you? 321 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,160 Speaker 3: And he was like nah, and she said, well get out. 322 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:52,040 Speaker 2: Like and that was it. 323 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,960 Speaker 3: And she's dying. She's wasting away in front of him, 324 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 3: and nobody's heartbreaking, right, and no one says, your mom 325 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 3: has cancer, and your mom is dying. To the point 326 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,160 Speaker 3: like the day that she died, he said that morning 327 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 3: he could hear her like crying because she's in pain. 328 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,480 Speaker 3: She's dying, and everybody, like all the adults are like, 329 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,359 Speaker 3: she fine, she'd be fine, go ahead and go to school, 330 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 3: it'd be okay. And she dies while he's in school, 331 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,440 Speaker 3: and our uncle goes together, and then your mom died, 332 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:24,200 Speaker 3: and then there's that, and then less than a year later, 333 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,159 Speaker 3: his brother dies at twenty six years old from a 334 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,440 Speaker 3: heart attack, and it's like Daryl's here and now Darryl's 335 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:34,320 Speaker 3: not and that's it. So that's so when he and 336 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 3: my mom get together. My uncle Daryl died in August. 337 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 3: School starts in September, and my parents got together like 338 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 3: like the first month of school. So that's yeah, that's 339 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 3: who she that's who they. She's getting this little black 340 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:56,360 Speaker 3: boy who is trauma. Yeah, and it has nowhere to go. 341 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,040 Speaker 3: So when I look back on my childhood and the 342 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,359 Speaker 3: things that we set him off because I always tell people, 343 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:04,919 Speaker 3: I'm like, and I used to tell them, like, you're 344 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,840 Speaker 3: the reverse Hallmark. You know how Hallmark you that their 345 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 3: trademark us to be caring enough to send the very best. 346 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,360 Speaker 3: I was like, you care enough to send your very 347 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 3: words like and I used to tell people if you 348 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 3: don't have a he cussed me out, He made me cry, 349 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 3: So I was like, he ain't love you. I ain't 350 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 3: love if you don't if you don't have one of 351 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,639 Speaker 3: them stories he loves. He might have been fond of you, 352 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,680 Speaker 3: but he ain't like you. Yeah, you can't say, oh 353 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,720 Speaker 3: why Bernie cursed me clean out? He did no, he 354 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,240 Speaker 3: ain't love you. Yeah. 355 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 2: Wow, So what did you do to get yourself out 356 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 2: of being depressed? Stuff? 357 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 3: Because I know there was a point where you share 358 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 3: stories about you no longer wanted to be here, you 359 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:45,920 Speaker 3: just share a funny story. It was you know, it's 360 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 3: I wouldn't be always laughing, so listen, and it's funny 361 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,160 Speaker 3: to me now only because of how I went about it. 362 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,400 Speaker 3: So when I finally because I would have like passive 363 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,520 Speaker 3: I had passive suicidal ideation where I would think about 364 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 3: it and I never would go through it because it 365 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,680 Speaker 3: was always somebody else I would think about. So originally 366 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,560 Speaker 3: I was like, I'll use his gun and I'll shoot myself, 367 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:12,160 Speaker 3: And I was like, no, that'd be my mom would 368 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,639 Speaker 3: have to clean in the house, Like oh, so it 369 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,120 Speaker 3: was like that. Then it was like, well, I'll I'll 370 00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:20,439 Speaker 3: take my daughter to school and I'll get on the 371 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,119 Speaker 3: interstate in front of a eighteen wheeler and let the 372 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:26,720 Speaker 3: eighteen wheeler take me out. But I was like, car 373 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,119 Speaker 3: accident might injure other people. Nobody else needs to suffer 374 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,880 Speaker 3: for you know, so always that, So when I got 375 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 3: to the place of active suicidal ide ish, I only 376 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 3: laugh now like you said black people were gonna laugh. 377 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,119 Speaker 3: I only laugh now one because I've passed it. But 378 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,840 Speaker 3: like it's just the thought and how it happened. So 379 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,399 Speaker 3: my plan was I took my daughter to school, I 380 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,720 Speaker 3: came back, closed the garage door, and left the car run. 381 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,680 Speaker 3: And so I was like, all right, we're just gonna 382 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,760 Speaker 3: sit here and let you know, carbon monoxide can do 383 00:19:55,880 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 3: this thing. Right about twenty minutes past, and I looked 384 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:06,720 Speaker 3: at the gloor, I said, damn does it? It ain't 385 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 3: geez and I feel I'm like and I don't feel 386 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,120 Speaker 3: like I ain't even a little woozy like, so. 387 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 2: Let me creak it up a little bit more right 388 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,520 Speaker 2: like okay. 389 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 3: So then my stomach ground and it was like show 390 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 3: limb home, Oh shoot this long? 391 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,919 Speaker 2: Let me eat, right, I ain't no point of stars, right. 392 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:41,720 Speaker 3: I'm pointing me dying hungry ahead, Like God, what's up, y'all? 393 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,199 Speaker 3: It's your girl ebn a here and be sure to 394 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:48,440 Speaker 3: follow me on Instagram and TikTok at pretty private podcast, 395 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 3: and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel at 396 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 3: the Professional Homegirl. Now let's get back to the show. 397 00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,159 Speaker 3: So I eat and I come back and then I'm like, oh, 398 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:03,880 Speaker 3: you know what, when you die, like you expel everything 399 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 3: and I just ate or whatever. Don't nobody needs to 400 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,919 Speaker 3: be cleaning up all of that. Oh, so I'm let 401 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,879 Speaker 3: me go ahead. So by the time like I'm you know, like, 402 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,680 Speaker 3: all right, I've expelled, I'm a shower and I'm clean. 403 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,320 Speaker 3: I spell. Now I'm like, oh damn, it's time to 404 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 3: get my daughter from school. If I try now, I'm 405 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 3: gonna be late. Somebody's gonna go pick her up right right. 406 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 3: So shit, because I was supposed to be dead by now, 407 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,520 Speaker 3: like you know where we tried. You know, somebody else, 408 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 3: supost get it. I'm like, okay, well, let me go 409 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 3: on and get her up. I'll do it in the morning. 410 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,160 Speaker 3: So the next morning, I go to do the same thing. 411 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,080 Speaker 3: I drove my daughter off at school. I come back 412 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,520 Speaker 3: this time though, I get in the house, I was like, 413 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:43,919 Speaker 3: I got to use the bathroom. I went to use 414 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,119 Speaker 3: the bathroom and I looked around the house and I 415 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,920 Speaker 3: was like, we're so junky in here. 416 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,120 Speaker 2: Wait, wait, where's your birthday? 417 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:52,680 Speaker 3: January twenty first? 418 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,480 Speaker 2: It just wait, happy believed birthday? What's that a query? 419 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:56,359 Speaker 3: Yes? 420 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,280 Speaker 2: I knew it. I'm an aquarry is I knew it, 421 00:21:59,480 --> 00:21:59,880 Speaker 2: y'all the. 422 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,400 Speaker 3: Way your brain works, it's the exact same way, because 423 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 3: I was thinking, like, yo, she's aquarious. 424 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 2: I knew it. 425 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, So I'm like, oh, I dying, folks gotta be 426 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:15,400 Speaker 3: and call me nasty, like the house was so nasty. 427 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 3: I was like, all right, let me clean up. So 428 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,679 Speaker 3: I clean up. By the time I finished cleaning up, 429 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 3: I'm like, well, shit, I gotta get my daughter from school. Okay, 430 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,679 Speaker 3: we'll try tomorrow. That day comes, and it just and 431 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,720 Speaker 3: every day it was all of these moments that just 432 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 3: kept happening where I just kept finding something to where 433 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 3: when I was finally ready to do it again, I 434 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:39,119 Speaker 3: was like, you know what, it'll be just my luck. 435 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 3: Something go wrong and now I'm like incapacitated, like and 436 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:46,119 Speaker 3: I'm stuck in a fact next like I'm alive, but 437 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 3: now I'm brain damage or I'm I was like, cause, 438 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,520 Speaker 3: you know, God got a sense of humor with us exactly, 439 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,800 Speaker 3: And I'm like, and nothing in my life thus far 440 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,240 Speaker 3: that I've planned has gone to plan. Everything is so 441 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 3: I was like, fine, I guess I'm stuck here. And 442 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,760 Speaker 3: I was like, well, God, if you love me, like 443 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,800 Speaker 3: they say you do. I'm gonna just go to sleep 444 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,480 Speaker 3: one day and hopefully you just ain't gonna let me 445 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:13,440 Speaker 3: wake up. And every day since I kept waiting waking 446 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 3: up like, oh, well man early, okay, fine, you want 447 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:23,800 Speaker 3: me to be here? Okay, okay, we're almost finished. 448 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 2: But what are you teaching your daughter about grief? 449 00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:29,920 Speaker 3: I am teaching her and I tell her this all 450 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,399 Speaker 3: the time. When that time comes, I told her, I 451 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 3: want your grief to be epic. I was like, baby, 452 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,920 Speaker 3: well cry fall apart, I said. And anybody who tells 453 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:44,879 Speaker 3: you otherwise, I said, get rid of them, because I 454 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 3: remember at my dad's service there was a moment that 455 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,120 Speaker 3: I just there were several because it was a four 456 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 3: hour service, which I hated. 457 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, that was a long girl. 458 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 3: And even during the plan I remember during the planning, 459 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 3: my mom oldest sister was like the main planner, and 460 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,240 Speaker 3: she kept adding stuff to the agenda and I had 461 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 3: to go, hey, hold on here now, I'm not trying 462 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 3: to have this be the never ending service where I 463 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 3: got to sit and be reminded for hours on end. Hey, 464 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 3: you know your daddy dead. I was like, hey, let's 465 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,359 Speaker 3: trim some of this down. But I remember there was 466 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:23,159 Speaker 3: a moment where I really broke down and one of 467 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,480 Speaker 3: my dad's friends came and she grabbed me and wrapped 468 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,160 Speaker 3: me real tight and said, real sternly in my ear, 469 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 3: stopped crying. You know your daddy wouldn't even want you crying, 470 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:37,919 Speaker 3: And it just wow. It was like, my dad, is 471 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:42,080 Speaker 3: what you emotionally constipated people? If this is not the 472 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:42,920 Speaker 3: proper time. 473 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 2: For me to cry, is it? 474 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,120 Speaker 3: So that's for my daughter. I'm like, baby, listen that, 475 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:52,040 Speaker 3: And I tell her all the time. Nothing I can 476 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:54,480 Speaker 3: talk to you till we're blue in the face. Nothing 477 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,480 Speaker 3: is going to prepare you for the moment that I 478 00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 3: take my last breath and I'm no longer hearing the 479 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 3: physical with you. So I was like, cry fall apart. 480 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,480 Speaker 3: You have my permission, I say. Anybody who tells you 481 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 3: I wouldn't want you like that, they're lying to you 482 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,640 Speaker 3: because I want you to grieve. I want you to born. 483 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,119 Speaker 3: Let that stuff, Let it move through you, because if 484 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,360 Speaker 3: you hold on to it and you suppress it, it's 485 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 3: coming out one way of you. 486 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 2: As a fact. 487 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:26,040 Speaker 3: What I yeah, I always tell I wanted to be. 488 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,680 Speaker 3: So I was like, let it be the most grandiose 489 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:34,160 Speaker 3: epic grief that can pour out of you. Yeah, yeah, 490 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,600 Speaker 3: how did how did your dad's pass in effect your 491 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:40,320 Speaker 3: relationship with your mom? I was not prepared for that 492 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:46,200 Speaker 3: at all. I was not prepared. We're nowhere near as 493 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,800 Speaker 3: we're really not closed at all now, and that's not 494 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,720 Speaker 3: that was really I had to grieve and more. And 495 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:59,240 Speaker 3: that because prior to my dad dying, I'd have told 496 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,119 Speaker 3: you I was closer to my mom than my dad. 497 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,080 Speaker 3: And then just it, just in the blink of an eye, 498 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:09,399 Speaker 3: it changed, and I couldn't get an answer for why 499 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 3: what happened. I'm like, originally I thought it was grief. 500 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,840 Speaker 3: I was like, okay, I must remind you too much 501 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:20,399 Speaker 3: of him. I look like him. Yeah, like yeah, you know, 502 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,640 Speaker 3: I thought it was that. And she kept saying, no, 503 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,760 Speaker 3: it wasn't that, and I'm like, well, what is it? 504 00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 3: And she became really cold towards me in a way 505 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 3: that I I was not prepared for that, Like, so 506 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 3: I had to mourn that relationship, which I yeah, And 507 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:41,920 Speaker 3: I said this because I went to grief counseling about 508 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,679 Speaker 3: ten months after my dad died, and I said, as 509 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 3: much as my dad's death hurts, I can deal with 510 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 3: that because he's dead. 511 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 2: This one hurts more. 512 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,760 Speaker 3: Oh, but this one, I was like, and I would 513 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:57,439 Speaker 3: be looking at her like, but it's me, Yeah, it's me. 514 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:05,200 Speaker 3: What what hap And I to this day still don't have. 515 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 3: She still never actually sat down and said this is 516 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,960 Speaker 3: the issue that it's had. What she does is say 517 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,679 Speaker 3: it's me. She'll tell people that it's mean like she 518 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 3: she actually has people thinking I'm crazy, like and I'm like, 519 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,439 Speaker 3: I'll tell you my issues. Yeah. So I well, I'm 520 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,160 Speaker 3: gonna say a prayer for y'all because that's one thing 521 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,560 Speaker 3: I wish grief somebody will taught me about grief is 522 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,640 Speaker 3: that it don't only show up when somebody passed away. 523 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,880 Speaker 2: It also shows up in other areas of your life. 524 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:34,879 Speaker 2: And that could be way worse than somebody actually dying. 525 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,119 Speaker 3: And for me, in my mind, what I thought was 526 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 3: going to happen is for as close as we were, 527 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:43,040 Speaker 3: I thought we were going. 528 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:43,960 Speaker 2: To get even closer. 529 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, because it was just I'm like, it was just 530 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,320 Speaker 3: the three of us, So the natural progression is it's 531 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:55,359 Speaker 3: going to be that. And that's not what happened. And 532 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,439 Speaker 3: I was like, what what you mean that's not Yeah? Yeah, 533 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:02,119 Speaker 3: so has it been hard for you to honor your 534 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:07,760 Speaker 3: far father's legacy while creating your own. Not anymore when 535 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,080 Speaker 3: he first died, yes, because I didn't know how to 536 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:15,359 Speaker 3: do both simultaneously. When he first died, I put a 537 00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:18,399 Speaker 3: lot of pressure on myself to carry the mantle. I 538 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:19,920 Speaker 3: was like, well, it's just me. You know, I don't 539 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,520 Speaker 3: have any siblings. I can't look at you and go, hey, 540 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:26,080 Speaker 3: well I need you to do so right. So it 541 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,159 Speaker 3: was just me. So I put a lot on my 542 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,160 Speaker 3: shoulders to be I gotta carry his eye, gotta do that. 543 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,479 Speaker 3: And now as time has passed and I've grown and 544 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:38,600 Speaker 3: you know, with raising my daughter, I'm like, okay, yeah. 545 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 3: And actually he came to me in a dream and 546 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,240 Speaker 3: was like, yeah, I need you to stop doing this 547 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:49,160 Speaker 3: right And he said, you've lived your life for everybody else. 548 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,760 Speaker 3: It's time for you to live your life for you. 549 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 3: I know, you a crying baby when I said, you're 550 00:28:56,520 --> 00:29:04,320 Speaker 3: just right because like that, Yeah, like I really did. 551 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 3: And I'm glad he did because that did give me 552 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 3: the freedom to go, Okay, I don't have to, you know. 553 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 3: And I tell people this awful time, I'm gonna always, 554 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 3: you know, talk about my dad. If you asked me 555 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 3: to come talk about my dad. I'm more than happy 556 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:25,040 Speaker 3: to because one I don't take for granted how awesome 557 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 3: it is that all these years later, it'll be eighteen 558 00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 3: years this year since he passed away. Yeah, I don't 559 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,880 Speaker 3: take for granted how beautiful that is that people still 560 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:37,320 Speaker 3: love him and want to talk about him. Because every 561 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 3: celebrity who dies doesn't get that there's some celebrity to 562 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 3: have died, and people, Oh I forgot that. 563 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 2: I don't care, and everybody love your daddy. 564 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:49,040 Speaker 3: Right to the point where there are new generations of kids. 565 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,760 Speaker 3: There are kids now three, four and five years old 566 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 3: walking around talking about Uncle Bernie. But I don't take 567 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:58,640 Speaker 3: that for granted, and I'm acutely aware of there's gonna 568 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,880 Speaker 3: come a day that one day, none of us are 569 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 3: going to be here to remember him. Yeah, nobody. He will, 570 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 3: you know, fade into the ethers like so many before him. 571 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,880 Speaker 3: So I'm gonna always talk about my dad and honor 572 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:16,640 Speaker 3: him because that's just it just feels good to do 573 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:20,480 Speaker 3: and it feels right. But I now understand that he 574 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,600 Speaker 3: lived his life. That was when we talk about his legacy, 575 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:27,640 Speaker 3: his legacy, untils, his life lived. I don't have to 576 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,520 Speaker 3: do it to the detriment of living my own life. Yeah, 577 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,520 Speaker 3: and speaking of honoring him, are you gonna bring the 578 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:36,280 Speaker 3: podcast back Bernie's daughter, I'm hoping so. I had some 579 00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:40,320 Speaker 3: issues with the producer, so I'm looking for a new 580 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,280 Speaker 3: producer now, Yeah, to keep it going because I really 581 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:44,960 Speaker 3: did enjoy doing that. Yeah. 582 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,200 Speaker 2: My favorite episode was the one with you and Monique. 583 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:48,040 Speaker 2: That was good. 584 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 3: I knew when I filmed that that was gonna be 585 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:57,480 Speaker 3: something special. That was so Monique and there are so 586 00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:02,160 Speaker 3: many That was the beautiful thing about filming the podcast 587 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,440 Speaker 3: is being able to get to talk to people and 588 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 3: you get to have them in these candid moments where 589 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:12,560 Speaker 3: they're just like, hey, this. But Monique's was special because 590 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,240 Speaker 3: as soon as we had I hadn't even clicked record yet. 591 00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:19,440 Speaker 3: As soon as like I started the you know, I 592 00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:23,239 Speaker 3: came into the meeting and she got on camera and 593 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:27,280 Speaker 3: she said, hey, yeah you go baby, and she just 594 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:29,880 Speaker 3: started talking to me to where I was like, okay, 595 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:31,760 Speaker 3: you I'm about to start crying if I didn't even 596 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:36,360 Speaker 3: click record, and she just she was like, theyble me 597 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:39,120 Speaker 3: tell you about your daddy, and I was like hold on. Yeah. 598 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,320 Speaker 2: It was so good. 599 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:46,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, it was one like it just again I don't 600 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,960 Speaker 3: take for granted. And I remember telling my mom this. 601 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,680 Speaker 3: I was like, he he had to be a good 602 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:55,280 Speaker 3: guy because he did somebody by now all this time, 603 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:57,960 Speaker 3: somebody would have been like, let me tell you about that, 604 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:04,920 Speaker 3: right right, No, everybody's like, man, listen nobody. So yeah, 605 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:09,360 Speaker 3: it's it's beautiful. So that is definitely something I'm working on. Yeah, 606 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,440 Speaker 3: now listen, our big sister Denise, she don't look her age. 607 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,080 Speaker 3: So when I found out how old she. 608 00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:16,760 Speaker 2: Was, I was like, hey, no way. 609 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,080 Speaker 3: So I'm the reason why I'm saying this because you know, 610 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,120 Speaker 3: you're approaching the age that your father passed away. So 611 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:27,680 Speaker 3: do birthdays or milestones feel different now or like, what 612 00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:31,680 Speaker 3: is your views on just time or mortality? I would 613 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,840 Speaker 3: be lying if I said it didn't like them, because 614 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:36,720 Speaker 3: it just turned forty eight. So I'm like, I've been 615 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,959 Speaker 3: acutely with two more years and I'm gonna be fifty. Yeah, 616 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,960 Speaker 3: it had it's been I've been feeling that way for 617 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,800 Speaker 3: a few years because my paternal grandmother died when she 618 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:52,520 Speaker 3: was she's forty two or forty four, one of the two. 619 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:55,040 Speaker 3: So I like, once I passed her in age, I 620 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,200 Speaker 3: was like, oh, okay, yeah, and you know, I'm like 621 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:04,120 Speaker 3: a mention towards Okay. So for me, it's not so 622 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,680 Speaker 3: much that the day itself is you know, it has 623 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 3: to be grand or anything, but it is I'm here, 624 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,720 Speaker 3: and especially coming from a space where I didn't there 625 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:15,680 Speaker 3: was a time I didn't want to be here. Yeah, 626 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,440 Speaker 3: there was a time I woke up on my birthday 627 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 3: like yeah, another birthday, I guess. So now it feels 628 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 3: I don't know that I want if it's purposeful, but 629 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 3: it feels it does feel like a gift. Yeah, it 630 00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:38,680 Speaker 3: does feel like I appreciated all the more. This birthday 631 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 3: was particularly special because that was the day we moved 632 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,520 Speaker 3: my daughter into her dorm room. So woke up on 633 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 3: my birthday and moved her into like these two transitions. 634 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,680 Speaker 3: So I know people were like, oh man, you had 635 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,560 Speaker 3: to do it on your birthday, but it it felt 636 00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:54,360 Speaker 3: good to do it. 637 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:55,360 Speaker 2: Yeah. 638 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:59,600 Speaker 3: And so with each year that passes, I'm just reminded 639 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:07,640 Speaker 3: of number one, how precious life is. And it's not 640 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:09,919 Speaker 3: so much that I feel like I have to live, 641 00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:12,680 Speaker 3: you know, a long time, because I look at my 642 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 3: dad and look at how much he accomplished and what 643 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,200 Speaker 3: he did in fifty years, but it is I'm here. 644 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:22,680 Speaker 3: So while I'm here, I enjoyed the ride. Yeah, and 645 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:24,560 Speaker 3: last one not least, if your dad can see the 646 00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,920 Speaker 3: woman you are today, where do you think he would say? Oh, 647 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,080 Speaker 3: I knew I was trying not to cry. 648 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,399 Speaker 2: I know I was trying to cry, and he thought 649 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:33,439 Speaker 2: this was my daddy child. 650 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:38,399 Speaker 3: The way I'm back tears, I think, you know, one 651 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:42,960 Speaker 3: of the last conversations he and I had, he told 652 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:46,319 Speaker 3: me he was proud of me. And that's that's such 653 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,480 Speaker 3: a big deal because that's not something he used to do. 654 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,040 Speaker 3: My dad wasn't like I'm proud you know. Yeah, So 655 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,440 Speaker 3: I really do like if he could see me now, 656 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,000 Speaker 3: he'd seen me, you know, raise my daughter, take her 657 00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,480 Speaker 3: to school, you know, off to college, and yeah, and 658 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:07,799 Speaker 3: even just in embracing myself while simultaneously being his daughter, 659 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:11,920 Speaker 3: because that was a big heavy burden for me. I 660 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,640 Speaker 3: think he would absolutely tell me he's proud of me. 661 00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:17,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, I'm proud of you too, Sis. 662 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,759 Speaker 3: I know we just met, but no, seriously, like just 663 00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,279 Speaker 3: all the things that you have been, you've been through, 664 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:27,400 Speaker 3: and just like still being here. You're beautiful you look happy, 665 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,480 Speaker 3: like this conversation really mean a lot to me. So 666 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,200 Speaker 3: I really appreciate you for joining spending the time with 667 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:38,480 Speaker 3: little me. Oh, I appreciate you having me yes pleasure. Okay, 668 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,520 Speaker 3: so we gotta do a quick little fire around. So 669 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,160 Speaker 3: I'm just gonna throw something out and the first thing 670 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:44,680 Speaker 3: that comes to your head. Okay, okay, okay, you ready. 671 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:51,480 Speaker 3: The biggest misconception about your dad, biggest misconception about him 672 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:56,360 Speaker 3: that he was like this real hard like I mess somebody. 673 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,160 Speaker 3: I mean, yeah, he was, but he was a softie. 674 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:00,080 Speaker 2: What was your favorite joke from your. 675 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:03,280 Speaker 3: That milk and cookie? 676 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:05,319 Speaker 2: Favorite movie he. 677 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:13,680 Speaker 3: Was in, Oh gosh, it's a toss up guess who? 678 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 3: And Ocean's eleven? 679 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,719 Speaker 2: Which joke that you think was not funny? But the 680 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:19,800 Speaker 2: world went crazy over. 681 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:28,360 Speaker 3: I'm hung low, I'm blessed with my shut up. This 682 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:30,319 Speaker 3: whole room get dark. I mean, I know why people 683 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,760 Speaker 3: laughed at it, but for me, it was like, oh gosh, 684 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:34,760 Speaker 3: I don't want that visual. 685 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:36,640 Speaker 2: Also, it was a lady in the front row. She 686 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,239 Speaker 2: didn't think it was funny either. Did you catch her? Yeah, 687 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,680 Speaker 2: shout out to her something he was bad at. 688 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:53,800 Speaker 3: Let him tell it something he was bad at I 689 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,479 Speaker 3: can't think of anything cooking. I guess I can't cook, 690 00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 3: terrible cook. 691 00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 2: Best advice he ever gave. 692 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:10,279 Speaker 4: You, Oh there's so much. Oh gosh, now that one's 693 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,319 Speaker 4: hard because that man was. 694 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,560 Speaker 3: A walking encyclopedia of advice. I get. The best one 695 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:18,240 Speaker 3: that I would say, is he be yourself. 696 00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:19,040 Speaker 5: Yeah. 697 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:23,600 Speaker 3: He would say, learn from other people's mistakes because you 698 00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:26,160 Speaker 3: never lived long enough to make them all yourself. Yeah. 699 00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:28,600 Speaker 2: That's a good one. And last one not least. If 700 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,480 Speaker 2: you can have one more conversation with him, what would 701 00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:30,920 Speaker 2: it be about? 702 00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:45,640 Speaker 3: Honestly? And I if I could have one more conversation 703 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,719 Speaker 3: with him, I would love to show him the movie 704 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 3: Black Dynamite, and that I know and I've said this 705 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:58,240 Speaker 3: to people and I'm like, that's my I really Whenever 706 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,520 Speaker 3: I watched Black Dynamite, I'm like, man, he would have 707 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:05,160 Speaker 3: loved this movie. We that'd have been on repeat so much. 708 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:09,640 Speaker 3: So Oh, thank you so much, mixus. Tell us what 709 00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:11,319 Speaker 3: you got going on? We go the podcast is coming back. 710 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:12,800 Speaker 3: Tell me where we can follow you at, how we 711 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:17,200 Speaker 3: can support you, and all those good things. I made 712 00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:20,160 Speaker 3: it simple for y'all. Bernie's daughter, like after years of 713 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:23,279 Speaker 3: hating being reduced to being Bernie's daughter. 714 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:24,279 Speaker 2: I was like, why fight it? 715 00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:28,720 Speaker 3: So you can follow me. I'm on everything TikTok, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, 716 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,920 Speaker 3: Bernie's Daughter. You can find me there. I've not been 717 00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:34,759 Speaker 3: like with the transition to move and everything. I had 718 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:37,040 Speaker 3: to been writing as much. But I am on medium 719 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,200 Speaker 3: again as Bernie's order, so I'll be back to writing 720 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,879 Speaker 3: on medium. And I am working on a book right now, 721 00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:43,040 Speaker 3: so that's my main thing. 722 00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:44,520 Speaker 2: So we got to have you back on the show. 723 00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:45,680 Speaker 2: So we talking about your book. 724 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,719 Speaker 3: Absolutely, yes, yes, yes, thank you so much. This has 725 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:52,239 Speaker 3: been such an amazing conversation. This is a great way 726 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:53,880 Speaker 3: for me to end my fast because after I'm done 727 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,919 Speaker 3: with you, I can eat, so I feel good too. Yes, 728 00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:00,640 Speaker 3: And to the listeners, if you have any questions, miss concerns, 729 00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:02,320 Speaker 3: please make sure to email me at hello at the 730 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,719 Speaker 3: pshgpodcast dot com. And this is the epitome of our 731 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:08,759 Speaker 3: storylines becoming Lifeline. So Denise, thank you, thank you, thank 732 00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:14,040 Speaker 3: you so much, and until next time. Everyone, later you're 733 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:18,440 Speaker 3: gonna say bye. I'm trying not to cry like this 734 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:20,200 Speaker 3: is a I know, like. 735 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:23,440 Speaker 2: I know, I've been holding this lump in for like 736 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,680 Speaker 2: forty minutes, Bye y'all. 737 00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:38,280 Speaker 3: Pretty Private is a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. 738 00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 3: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, this is the iHeartRadio app, 739 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:46,200 Speaker 3: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. 740 00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:50,000 Speaker 3: Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you 741 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,920 Speaker 3: can connect with me on social media at Pretty Private 742 00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:53,640 Speaker 3: Podcasts