1 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: Hi. I'm Laura Vanderkamp. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist, 2 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 1: and speaker. 3 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:18,560 Speaker 2: And I'm Sarah hart Hunger, a mother of three, practicing physician, 4 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 2: writer and course creator. We are two working parents who 5 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 2: love our careers and our families. 6 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:27,360 Speaker 1: Welcome to best of both worlds. Here we talk about 7 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: how real women manage work, family, and time for fun. 8 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: From figuring out childcare to mapping out long. 9 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,200 Speaker 3: Term career goals. 10 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: We want you to get the most out of life. 11 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 3: Welcome to best of both worlds. This is Laura. 12 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,479 Speaker 1: In this episode, I'm going to be talking with the 13 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,600 Speaker 1: authors of the book Raising Calm Kids in a World 14 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 1: of Worry, Ashley Graber and Maria Evans, an exciting take 15 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,640 Speaker 1: on how we can raise kids who are a little 16 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:00,360 Speaker 1: bit more, you know, not flying off the hand, not 17 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: so anxious about everything. I know, there's been a lot 18 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 1: of talk about children's mental health these days, and with 19 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: the access people have to smartphones and all the clickbaity 20 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: stuff that's out there in the world, the headlines that 21 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,240 Speaker 1: are designed to make you feel like the world is 22 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:21,399 Speaker 1: falling apart, how can we raise resilient kids? So excited 23 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 1: to talk about that topic, Sarah without getting too personal, 24 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: what are some of the things that have been kid 25 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 1: worries in your family? 26 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, not naming any specific kids here, but thankfully having 27 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 2: a few helps. So definitely one of my kids, and 28 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 2: really only one of them, has always found social situations hard. 29 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:45,520 Speaker 2: They might worry amusing vague acusings pronouns. Yeah, they might 30 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:50,120 Speaker 2: worry about it beforehand. They might struggle during an event, 31 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 2: especially when it gets started, So that's one. Another kid 32 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,480 Speaker 2: has definitely found like night to be scary at certain points, 33 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,520 Speaker 2: like are there in I heard a noise, I don't 34 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 2: like the dark, I knew my door open, et cetera. 35 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 2: And it's actually quite interesting to see how different my 36 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,799 Speaker 2: kids fears and anxieties are, so they're definitely individual to each. 37 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, the fear of new social situations. I mean, 38 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 1: I think that's kind of a broad one. Many humans 39 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 1: are are afraid of new social situations, like are you 40 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 1: wearing the right thing? I mean, who knows? I probably 41 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: am never wearing the right thing. So eventually one just 42 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 1: moves on from that word doing well in school? Doing 43 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: well in school? Like is this test going to go well? 44 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:40,040 Speaker 1: Am I prepared enough for this assignment? Going away from home? 45 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 1: Like to a camp where you don't know what the 46 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:43,920 Speaker 1: situation will be. 47 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 3: You know, will you be. 48 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 1: Changing in front of people, where the showers look like, 49 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,360 Speaker 1: what are the bathrooms look like? 50 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 3: These are things can make people anxious. 51 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: Joining a new athletic team, particularly if it's a sport 52 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: you haven't done that much in the past, so you'd 53 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,360 Speaker 1: be on the newer end of things. And however you 54 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 1: may be naturally or not athletically. Not knowing the skills 55 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 1: as well as other people can be a source of anxiety. 56 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 1: But you know, all very human things I think for kids, 57 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 1: for adults as well, totally. 58 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:13,640 Speaker 3: Are there things you've. 59 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 1: Done to sort of help kids with various anxieties and 60 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 1: particularly kind of like broader world ones. 61 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, Like when it's news type stuff, I feel like 62 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 2: making sure that we kind of emphasize the rarity if 63 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,720 Speaker 2: it's some sort of like bad natural event, like, Okay, 64 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:33,240 Speaker 2: this is really scary, but it's unlikely to happen. This happened, 65 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 2: and it's terrible, but that's why it's so newsworthy, and 66 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 2: to kind of calmly talk about like how we would 67 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 2: deal with it if something like that. 68 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 3: Did happen in our area. 69 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,920 Speaker 2: I don't know, just trying to like tone down, take 70 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 2: the tone that the news has and turn it down 71 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 2: like about ten notches. 72 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, well for something like you guys who you do 73 00:03:55,320 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: get evacuated for hurricanes for instance, and hurricanes cause a 74 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,160 Speaker 1: lot of headline anxiety because you know they're coming, yes, 75 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 1: or like a week ahead of time or. 76 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 3: For the news for the news cycle. 77 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,360 Speaker 1: Yeah so, but being even pointing out like most are 78 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: not that big. Most are your house is built to 79 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,480 Speaker 1: deal with them, that you're enough inland that you're probably 80 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:19,880 Speaker 1: going to be able to cope with at least some 81 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,600 Speaker 1: of it. But if it is a really scary situation, 82 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,159 Speaker 1: we have evacuated before, this is what we do, This 83 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 1: is our plan, this is where we go, this is 84 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:27,320 Speaker 1: what we. 85 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 3: Take with us. 86 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: And things like that I think are helpful or even 87 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 1: just like sort of common anxieties like maybe they have 88 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:37,840 Speaker 1: friends whose parents lose a job or something like that, 89 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,760 Speaker 1: to say like, Okay, well, what have we done to 90 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: prepare for like a financial setback or something like that, 91 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,920 Speaker 1: what we have savings or we have insurance for X, 92 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,479 Speaker 1: Y or Z, And just explaining those things to kids 93 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,520 Speaker 1: that it's like many of the things that can go 94 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: wrong people at least somewhat think through. 95 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 3: I mean, there's obviously things. 96 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: That you've never even considered that could go wrong, but 97 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,360 Speaker 1: a lot of the normal things that go wrong are 98 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 1: at least on the radar, and if you are a 99 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:09,719 Speaker 1: sort of generally prepared person, you've at least put some 100 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,160 Speaker 1: things in place to deal with those realities. 101 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 2: Yeah. And I think focusing, as you said, like on 102 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 2: like this is how we could would help or this 103 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 2: is how we can help others or help ourselves, like 104 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,919 Speaker 2: focusing on the constructive side of things rather than the 105 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 2: catastrophizing side of things. 106 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 3: Yeah. 107 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, and maybe limit news consumption. I mean as much 108 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 1: as possible. I mean that's, you know, keep the kids 109 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:35,159 Speaker 1: busy with other things, because if you are at cross 110 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:39,040 Speaker 1: country practice and doing the robotics project with your friends, 111 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 1: you are not watching the headlines on how the world 112 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 1: is falling apart, and that's probably a good thing. Yeah. 113 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 3: They don't need that yet. They don't need that yet. 114 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,039 Speaker 1: All right, Well, let's see her some more about raising 115 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 1: calm kids in this world of worry. Well, Sarah and 116 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,679 Speaker 1: I are delighted to welcome the authors of Raising Calm 117 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 1: Kids in a World of Worry to the programs. So 118 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,640 Speaker 1: and Maria, welcome. 119 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 3: To the show. 120 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:05,600 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you for k Yeah, excited to have 121 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: you guys. So, why did you decide to tackle this topic. 122 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 4: This is such a big topic that is only growing 123 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 4: in terms of need, in terms of parents needing to 124 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 4: know how to help anxious children and kids needing help themselves. 125 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:24,880 Speaker 3: Yeah. 126 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 1: Well, Although, the interesting thing about calling it a world 127 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 1: of worry is because in some ways the world may 128 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 1: be better than it was in the past. I know 129 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: we've all seen the gap between statistics of like random 130 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: crimes you know now versus even like thirty years ago 131 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:50,520 Speaker 1: or something, and yet people are more worried about it now. 132 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 3: So what's going on? Why is it this. 133 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 1: World of worry, even if it's not always born out 134 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,880 Speaker 1: by the data. 135 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,920 Speaker 5: I think there's so much more pressure on kids today 136 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 5: and on parents today, and the pressures are changing, what 137 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 5: the expectations are and what kids are expected to do 138 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:17,560 Speaker 5: and achieve, what parents are expected to do and achieve, 139 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 5: and social media in this twenty four hour news cycle 140 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 5: that happens always feels like the biggest reason why people 141 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 5: are really aware of so many more things, and children 142 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:36,400 Speaker 5: especially are aware of things perhaps before they should be. 143 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, No, we definitely hear that from a lot of 144 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: our listeners that kids just have an awareness of things, 145 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: and some of it is what other kids are doing 146 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,480 Speaker 1: and what's out in popular culture, but also even just 147 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: the news. So I wanted to talk with you guys 148 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 1: about when scary things happen in the news, how we 149 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 1: should deal with this with our kids, and perhaps you 150 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: can even get into your safer parenting approach with this. 151 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 1: But for instance, we're recording this not too long after 152 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,720 Speaker 1: there's the horrible plane crash in Washington, DC, and I 153 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: know a lot of people saw it the news, and 154 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,280 Speaker 1: a lot of kids probably saw it and said, wow, 155 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 1: there are kids like me on that plane. Right, So 156 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: when your kid mentions something like that, how should we 157 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:21,840 Speaker 1: handle that as a parent. 158 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,240 Speaker 4: So one of the first things to know is that 159 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 4: you really want to have a very strong relationship with 160 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,640 Speaker 4: your child so that you can be the person who 161 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,360 Speaker 4: they come to when things like this happen. And that's 162 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 4: a lot of what our book is about, is how 163 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 4: to really forge that very strong connection and that open 164 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 4: communication so that when they do inevitably either see it 165 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 4: on social media or is when they're scrolling through YouTube, 166 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 4: or when a friend tells them at school, because again, 167 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 4: that information is so quick that they do come to 168 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 4: you and say, hey, what is this or I'm scared 169 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 4: or I heard this really scary thing and I don't 170 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:02,200 Speaker 4: know what to do with it, right, And so the 171 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 4: first thing that you want to do is find out 172 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 4: what they do know and debunk any misinformation because that 173 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 4: happens very quickly, especially when kids are talking to other kids. Right, 174 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 4: So that's the first thing is do a lot of listening. 175 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,839 Speaker 4: What did you hear about that? What do you know? 176 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 4: And Ashley, maybe we can go back and forth a 177 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,600 Speaker 4: little bit with this topic. Is it's a big one 178 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 4: and it's really important. 179 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 5: And yes, and curiosity around what it is they're bringing, 180 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:39,559 Speaker 5: versus jumping in and teaching in the moment or fixing 181 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 5: something that might be scary to them. Really bringing curiosity 182 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 5: to the situation. And as Maria said, there often kids 183 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 5: will go to school and they'll get misinformation and so 184 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 5: if they come home and talk to you as a 185 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 5: parent about it, to really just listen and ask questions, 186 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 5: what are your friends saying about it, what are you 187 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:10,960 Speaker 5: hearing about it? What do you know about it? And 188 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,640 Speaker 5: then only to speak to what they're bringing to you. 189 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 5: One of the things that we see often is over 190 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 5: explaining and sharing a lot of information and letting a 191 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 5: child just be in that moment. So if they're not 192 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 5: into talking about something or unpacking it completely, to kind 193 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 5: of go with their cues on that to really see 194 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 5: are they seeming overwhelmed, are they seeming not bothered by 195 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:44,680 Speaker 5: something in the moment, or are they kind of blowing 196 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:49,200 Speaker 5: something off. That can be a place where it's confusing 197 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,719 Speaker 5: to a parent because they might say something like, well, 198 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 5: that doesn't matter or it doesn't matter what happened to 199 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 5: those kids, And to recognize that is something that is 200 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,479 Speaker 5: a defense that's happening in the moment because the information 201 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:05,680 Speaker 5: might be overwhelming to them. 202 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 4: Yes, and then for the kids who are actively scared 203 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 4: about it, which does happen? Right, I heard this scary thing? 204 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,440 Speaker 4: What if that happens to me? We know a few 205 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,040 Speaker 4: things that really work well, which is that you want 206 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,920 Speaker 4: to really focus on and lean into the safety measures 207 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,280 Speaker 4: that we have in place. Right, So with a plane, 208 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 4: talking about the safety precautions that are there, talking them 209 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,680 Speaker 4: through what would happen if they were on a plane 210 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,320 Speaker 4: and there was turbulence and then really leaning into where 211 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 4: they can help others because kids really thrive, and really 212 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 4: being able to channel those fears into supporting others. We 213 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,839 Speaker 4: just had the fires in LA and a lot of 214 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 4: kids whose homes didn't burn down and who didn't have 215 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:49,040 Speaker 4: to evacuate, were still really crying and worried, and a 216 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 4: lot of families channeled a lot of those fears and 217 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 4: feelings into helping right standing outside, giving donations, writing to kids, 218 00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 4: and it was really a remarkable community of because. 219 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 1: It sounds like one of the things that might help 220 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,400 Speaker 1: children with anxiety. I think you guys had mentioned this 221 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,960 Speaker 1: is feeling like they are part of something bigger than themselves. 222 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, because kids, we sometimes forget that their view 223 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 5: is very limited in that you might be talking to 224 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 5: a seven year old who's been only in the world 225 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 5: for seven years, and so all that they know is 226 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 5: that this scary thing has happened, and so if you 227 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:34,120 Speaker 5: can help them, and this goes for when scary things 228 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,480 Speaker 5: happen or at other times in life, that helping them 229 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 5: to see that there are people around them that will 230 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 5: help and helping them to see that there is something 231 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 5: that they can do in the moment really does help 232 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,439 Speaker 5: them to feel calmer in the world. And doing that 233 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 5: with a child shows them, oh, I have this person 234 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,160 Speaker 5: or these people in my life that I can also 235 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 5: fall back on in community something that we talk about 236 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 5: and that is such an important aspect. And not every 237 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,199 Speaker 5: parent has family around them or has people that they 238 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,040 Speaker 5: know well around them, but yes, helping them to see 239 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 5: that they are something part of something bigger will help 240 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 5: them to feel calmer in the world and help assuage 241 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 5: some of the worries. 242 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,520 Speaker 1: Absolutely, it probably makes an adult feel a little bit 243 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: more calm as well. 244 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,559 Speaker 3: Well, we're going to take a quick ad. 245 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,280 Speaker 1: Break and then I will be back with more from 246 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:46,880 Speaker 1: the authors of Raising Calm Kids in a World of Worry. Well, 247 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,960 Speaker 1: I am back with Ashley Graber and Maria Evans, who 248 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: are the authors of the new book Raising Calm Kids 249 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: in a World of Worry. We've been talking about getting 250 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 1: kids involved in community help efforts as a way to 251 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: make them feel part of something bigger than themselves, making 252 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: them feel a little bit less anxious. But I wanted 253 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,080 Speaker 1: to go back to something you talked about earlier that 254 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 1: one of the most important ways you can make sure 255 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,320 Speaker 1: that a kid is coming to you when they are 256 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:16,680 Speaker 1: feeling anxious is to have built this nurturing bond with them, 257 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,880 Speaker 1: And some of I'm sure people are like, well, of course, 258 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,920 Speaker 1: we all love our kids, you know, hopefully they feel 259 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: this way. But I'm sure it's not totally automatic. So 260 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 1: I wonder if there are some practical things people can 261 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: do if they want to give themselves that a plus 262 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 1: for at least trying to build the nurturing bond. 263 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,920 Speaker 4: Absolutely, we have an entire chapter in the book which 264 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 4: is it's sort of like our therapist's secrets for how 265 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 4: to connect with kids in the best possible way and 266 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,840 Speaker 4: get them to open up to you. And we just 267 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:48,040 Speaker 4: transformed it into parenting tips that really work, and it's 268 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 4: called Engage like a pro very fun, and so we 269 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 4: teach parents, first of all, the roadblocks to what parents 270 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,600 Speaker 4: tend to do that tend to stop kids from sharing, 271 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,840 Speaker 4: which most parents do. So if you're a parent and 272 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 4: you're listening, we can almost one hundred percent guarantee that 273 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 4: you will relate to this one. But most parents like 274 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 4: to fix, so when their kids come to them, they 275 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 4: have every positive intention to help fix the situation, and 276 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,440 Speaker 4: so they come up with solutions or they come up 277 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 4: with ideas of well why don't we try this, or well, 278 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 4: why don't you think about it this way? Other parents 279 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 4: tend to maximize the reaction, right, like, wow, that's really terrible, 280 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 4: what can we do? Should I call your teacher? Write 281 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,720 Speaker 4: things like that, and then other parents, in an effort 282 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 4: to make things better, they tend to minimize, which is 283 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 4: helping kids see that what they're worried about is not 284 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,120 Speaker 4: that big a deal or what they're bringing is going 285 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,960 Speaker 4: to be totally fine. Right, And so we teach parents 286 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,160 Speaker 4: all kinds of tips on how to respond in a 287 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 4: way that keeps the conversation flowing. 288 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,000 Speaker 5: I love that, Maria, and I would add to that 289 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:58,160 Speaker 5: too that being able to talk to your kids and 290 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 5: talking with your kids and building this relationship means that 291 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:06,120 Speaker 5: you have so many opportunities to do it. It isn't 292 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,400 Speaker 5: just built in one interaction. Or if your child is 293 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 5: a little bit older, it doesn't matter that you might 294 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 5: just be starting today to do some of the tips 295 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 5: that we recommend that if there's little things over time, 296 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,240 Speaker 5: So if your child comes to you and they're feeling 297 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:29,400 Speaker 5: scared or anxious about something and they say, well, this 298 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 5: is the topic I'm bringing to you to circle back 299 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,600 Speaker 5: around to it again and to bring it up again. 300 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 5: And even if a child says I'm not scared about 301 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 5: that plane crash anymore, or it says I'm not thinking 302 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 5: about the fires, that you still are showing them that 303 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 5: you're in it with them, in it with the worries. 304 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,920 Speaker 5: And we have a whole chapter on building self esteem 305 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 5: and this idea that whatever kids are bringing that you 306 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,920 Speaker 5: you don't have to love it, but you can be 307 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,920 Speaker 5: in it with them. And this is a little bit 308 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:09,879 Speaker 5: torturous to most of our parents, because if it's dinosaurs 309 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 5: or certain kind of music, that you have these little 310 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,400 Speaker 5: opportunities to say, tell me about that music, or tell 311 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 5: me about this thing that you're interested in. And you 312 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:26,640 Speaker 5: have so many opportunities to build connection between the two 313 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 5: of you, or the three of you, or four of you, 314 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 5: or however many children there are, but individually with them 315 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 5: that there are so many opportunities to do it. And 316 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,439 Speaker 5: if something seems like it's going badly, you try to interact, 317 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 5: You try to bring up something and a child blows 318 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,680 Speaker 5: it off that you just kind of go on from 319 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,479 Speaker 5: there and try again and bring up something again at 320 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,639 Speaker 5: another time, whether that's something scary or an interest that 321 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:57,240 Speaker 5: they have. 322 00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 1: Well, I wonder if you could talk a little bit 323 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,680 Speaker 1: about even in scripts we might have because you know, yeah, 324 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: a lot of people do want to dive in and 325 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:07,320 Speaker 1: fix the problem or say, oh yo, you don't need 326 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:09,240 Speaker 1: to be worried about that because of X, or you 327 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,120 Speaker 1: know again like or I'm going to go tell your 328 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 1: teacher right now. So let's say a kit comes and says, 329 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: I think I bombed that math test, you know, like, 330 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: I think I did terrible on that. What sort of 331 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,399 Speaker 1: a script you could say after that that wouldn't be 332 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,920 Speaker 1: immediately leaping in to fix or minimize or maximize that issue. 333 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,959 Speaker 4: So we'll do even better for you than a script, 334 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,879 Speaker 4: which is the best method that we use all the 335 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 4: time in our parent coaching groups and with our parents. 336 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 4: So we want you to remember this term called echoing. Okay, 337 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 4: So the picture that you're in a cave and you've 338 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,080 Speaker 4: called out a word and what you hear back is 339 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 4: something similar but not exactly. Okay, you scream out a 340 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,840 Speaker 4: sentence and you hear back a few of the words. 341 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,119 Speaker 4: So this is what we coach parents to do, and 342 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,120 Speaker 4: this is the thing that really gets kids to open 343 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,040 Speaker 4: up it works like magic. So when your child is 344 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:09,280 Speaker 4: telling you something, what you want to do is paraphrase 345 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 4: what you've heard and say it back with the same 346 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 4: level of emotion that they're bringing, or slightly lower. So 347 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,240 Speaker 4: let's say they say, oh, I got a really bad 348 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 4: grade on my math test. You can literally say back, oh, 349 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 4: you got a bad grade on your math test. That's it. 350 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 4: And what you will find is that just by echoing 351 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,480 Speaker 4: it back, they will say more. You don't have to 352 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,920 Speaker 4: say anything else. And then they're going to go, yeah, 353 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 4: and I studied really hard for it, and I just 354 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:43,879 Speaker 4: can't believe it. Oh, yeah, you're really disappointed because you 355 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,760 Speaker 4: studied really hard for it, And you can almost go verbatim. 356 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,159 Speaker 4: If you slightly change it, they will just keep on going. 357 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,240 Speaker 1: Now, what about kids who are a little bit more 358 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,560 Speaker 1: reticent to open up, because I guess in that example, 359 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,479 Speaker 1: I assume that the kid comes and tells you that 360 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 1: they got a bad grade on the mar which is 361 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 1: not a given. We've all got people in our lives 362 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: who are a bit you know, have fewer words coming 363 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 1: out of their mouths. 364 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 3: I wonder if there are some ways to try. 365 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:14,000 Speaker 1: To get people to open up and start sharing with 366 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:17,640 Speaker 1: our questions to ask or things to do for kids 367 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 1: who are a little bit less likely to communicate that way. 368 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 5: One of the key things that for a parent to 369 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 5: pay attention to is the settings in which a child 370 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:31,120 Speaker 5: will open up in. So sometimes we want to sit 371 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,440 Speaker 5: down and have a chat, and a child that, as 372 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,639 Speaker 5: you said, is reticent to do it, doesn't want to 373 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 5: sit across from you and get into a deep conversation 374 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,679 Speaker 5: about something. So maybe you find that when you walking 375 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,600 Speaker 5: down the street that they open up, or if a 376 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,359 Speaker 5: child is sitting in the backseat of the car and 377 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,920 Speaker 5: then on the way to school, that they might open up. 378 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 5: We often hear parents will say they go to say 379 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,920 Speaker 5: good night, and they're really ready to go to bed, 380 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 5: and then all of a sudden and the floodgates open 381 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:08,119 Speaker 5: up and a child will start talking. But to pay 382 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:12,120 Speaker 5: attention even in that time, which can be so much 383 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,840 Speaker 5: harder late at night, but to pay attention to what 384 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,359 Speaker 5: are the settings in which they might Could it be 385 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,280 Speaker 5: that they're cooking, you're cooking in the kitchen. Could it 386 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 5: be that you're sitting on the couch and your child 387 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:29,360 Speaker 5: is sitting on the floor coloring or playing with something, 388 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 5: and that's a moment when they will open up. So 389 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 5: really paying attention to just kind of studying it for 390 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 5: a little bit of time. What are the settings that 391 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 5: they will. 392 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:46,639 Speaker 4: And remembering that kids they're not used to conversing the 393 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 4: way that adults are, so it's very common when you 394 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,399 Speaker 4: pick up a child from school, the adult instinct is 395 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,160 Speaker 4: to power through a bunch of questions. How is your day, 396 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,240 Speaker 4: did you sit with friends at lunch, what did you 397 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,199 Speaker 4: have for lunch? How much did you eat? Where the 398 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,280 Speaker 4: class is interested, what was the worst thing that happened 399 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,879 Speaker 4: in the day. And most parents will tell you kids 400 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:08,199 Speaker 4: never answer or they go good and that's all you get, right, 401 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 4: a one word. So you might as well save that 402 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:14,240 Speaker 4: barrage of questions, give them a little bit of space 403 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 4: and just talk about something random like a fact, Hey 404 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:21,000 Speaker 4: I read that Wales do XYZ Did you know that? 405 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,439 Speaker 4: And start there and see if eventually some of that 406 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:30,160 Speaker 4: daytime experience comes out, like Ashley shared, awesome. 407 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: Well, we're going to take another quick ad break and 408 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: then we'll be back with a little bit more about 409 00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:49,280 Speaker 1: raising calm kids in a world of worry. Well, I 410 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 1: am back talking with Ashley Graber and Maria Evans, the 411 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,199 Speaker 1: authors of Raising Calm Kids in a World of Worry. 412 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 1: So here's the question, why is it that people open 413 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,120 Speaker 1: up when they are either in a are not looking 414 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:04,119 Speaker 1: at each other I guess, or a separate thing with 415 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 1: late at night? I mean, what is it about those 416 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,760 Speaker 1: scenarios that tend to lower the barriers. 417 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:17,160 Speaker 5: Well, the barriers that as Maria was saying, that sometimes 418 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:22,600 Speaker 5: there's an expectation that a child is going to open 419 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,320 Speaker 5: up and they're going to talk about what it is 420 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:29,879 Speaker 5: that's on your mind in that moment, or there's something 421 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,960 Speaker 5: important that you want to share or that you do 422 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 5: need to talk about, and a child just isn't opening 423 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:40,439 Speaker 5: up in the moment. And so the thing to be 424 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 5: paying attention to with kids is that they will step 425 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:50,440 Speaker 5: into something in the amount of time that they can 426 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,920 Speaker 5: and so really being able to kind of step back 427 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,480 Speaker 5: and say to yourself as a parent, this just isn't 428 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,639 Speaker 5: the moment, This isn't the time that they are able 429 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 5: to or ready. And Maria made mention of this that 430 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,320 Speaker 5: often after school, we want to know how is your day, 431 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 5: what went on, what are the things that happened, and 432 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,280 Speaker 5: a child might be overloaded in that moment they might 433 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:24,400 Speaker 5: be kind of done with interactions and done with communicating 434 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:29,640 Speaker 5: because they're overstimulated or they're tired, and so paying attention 435 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:34,359 Speaker 5: to when it is, but also that kind of being 436 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 5: okay if a conversation doesn't happen in the way that 437 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:38,679 Speaker 5: we hope. 438 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 4: This is also an important tip for adults. So if 439 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 4: you're trying to have a conversation with a friend or 440 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,280 Speaker 4: a partner, you may find that you'll have a much 441 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,920 Speaker 4: better and easier time having them open up if you're 442 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,320 Speaker 4: walking side by side on a walk or along the 443 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:57,639 Speaker 4: beach or something where people can look off to the side, 444 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:01,480 Speaker 4: then sitting straight up right in front of each other. 445 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 4: We talk about face to face versus side by side, 446 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,199 Speaker 4: So be strategical. 447 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, go on a walk with somebody if you've got 448 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,919 Speaker 1: something difficult to talk with. What was also just the 449 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,040 Speaker 1: idea that it might not be the moment, but this 450 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,320 Speaker 1: is not all the moments. You get that most relationships 451 00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:19,800 Speaker 1: are more of a marathon than a single moment in time, 452 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: and so you can probably come back to it. I 453 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,680 Speaker 1: wonder if there are ways you can talk about practical 454 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,280 Speaker 1: You said that palm is contagious, and so if Palm 455 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:33,280 Speaker 1: is contagious, and we would like to be calm people 456 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:38,360 Speaker 1: modeling that behavior, dealing with our own anxiety and healthy ways. 457 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: What are some habits we can put into our daily 458 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 1: lives to do that. 459 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,800 Speaker 5: Yeah, this is a tough one because the whole title 460 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,919 Speaker 5: of the book is raising caalm kids in a world 461 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 5: or worry. So there's a lot going on. And if 462 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:59,200 Speaker 5: you're a parent who is busy, which will a parent 463 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 5: is not, then it is hard to have an expectation 464 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,800 Speaker 5: that you're going to be calm all the time. What 465 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:11,320 Speaker 5: we know is that if we try practicing things a 466 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 5: little bit at a time, that it will add up. 467 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 5: And so being able to take time to go work 468 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:23,040 Speaker 5: out every day may not be completely possible as a 469 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:27,840 Speaker 5: way for somebody to expend energy and bring calm into 470 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:32,040 Speaker 5: their family life and into their relationships. But can they 471 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 5: find little moments over time that they can do something 472 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,960 Speaker 5: that might help. Can they notice? Can a parent notice 473 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,879 Speaker 5: in a moment if they're feeling activated. Because in the 474 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:49,359 Speaker 5: same way calm is contagious, so is fear, and so 475 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 5: it's okay you can model that. It's okay if you're 476 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:59,120 Speaker 5: getting upset about something, it's not okay to scream and 477 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 5: yell and throw things around, but if you're noticing that 478 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,719 Speaker 5: those things are rising up inside of you, to model 479 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 5: that and tell your child that I'm feeling activated and 480 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:15,360 Speaker 5: I'm going to take a minute. And as long as 481 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,359 Speaker 5: we circle back around, if we say to a child, 482 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,239 Speaker 5: I need a break in this moment, and then we 483 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:23,960 Speaker 5: go take a break, what that does is allows our 484 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:28,639 Speaker 5: nervous system to calm down and allows our brain to 485 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 5: come back connected so that we have all parts of 486 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:37,520 Speaker 5: it working. And so there are bigger things that we 487 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,439 Speaker 5: can do, and I don't I would imagine your listenership 488 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 5: doesn't need to go through self care tips. But there 489 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 5: are all kinds of things that we can do in 490 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:52,280 Speaker 5: bigger ways. But then those smaller moments are also important. 491 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:58,200 Speaker 5: And we're big proponents of mindfulness and meditation and mindfulness 492 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:02,760 Speaker 5: get the words get sort of overlinked across one another. 493 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:06,680 Speaker 5: But we're not saying necessarily to sit down and meditate. 494 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,639 Speaker 5: But in a moment that you're feeling activated, can you 495 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,359 Speaker 5: bring mindfulness to the moment? Can you notice the things 496 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:16,280 Speaker 5: around you? Can you use some of your sensations, your hands, 497 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:22,000 Speaker 5: your touch, your eyes, your smell to bring yourself back 498 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:25,800 Speaker 5: in that moment to a sense of calm. And we 499 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:29,040 Speaker 5: have a whole chapter called setting the Tone, and that 500 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:34,840 Speaker 5: if we are bringing a calm tone to the situation, 501 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:40,120 Speaker 5: then we are helping children in the moment to feel 502 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,280 Speaker 5: calmer themselves. As you said, calm is contagious. 503 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 4: The other thing, just very practically for parents is that 504 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:53,920 Speaker 4: they tend to really overload themselves and just even once 505 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,120 Speaker 4: in a while taking an inventory of what have I 506 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 4: taken on? Am I volunteering a lot at the peace? 507 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 4: Can I let go of just that one meeting? Can 508 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 4: I give myself ten minutes instead of reloading the dishwasher? 509 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:11,160 Speaker 4: Can I give myself that time? We have so many 510 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 4: conversations about parent guilt and taking time for yourself, but 511 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:19,000 Speaker 4: those moments really add up when you allow yourself even 512 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,120 Speaker 4: that five minute break in the morning to have coffee 513 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 4: uninterrupted if you can find it, or go into the 514 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 4: closet and just have a two minute break and breathe. 515 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:29,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. 516 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,320 Speaker 1: Well, I wonder if there's also ways to sort of 517 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,480 Speaker 1: limit the amount of perseverating we do over some of 518 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 1: the world of worry. 519 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,080 Speaker 3: Stuff that is around us. 520 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 1: I know one thing that was helpful to me in 521 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,200 Speaker 1: kind of the early days of the pandemic, for instance, 522 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: or if there's a huge news story that I find 523 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,840 Speaker 1: that I am just hitting refresh over and over again, 524 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 1: despite the fact that my hitting refreshed does absolutely nothing 525 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 1: to solve the problem. Right that just you know, saying, Okay, 526 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:57,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to check the news for ten minutes a day. 527 00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 3: And that's enough to be an formed. 528 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:05,320 Speaker 1: Citizen, but recognizes that me, I am not going to 529 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,080 Speaker 1: be able to do much about this other than what 530 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:08,800 Speaker 1: I can do in my own community or you know, 531 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,400 Speaker 1: giving to charity and things like that. So I mean, 532 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:13,440 Speaker 1: am I on to something there? I mean, would you 533 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 1: recommend kind of limiting some of those inputs. 534 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 4: Absolutely, that's a really really important point. You know, we're 535 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:23,959 Speaker 4: a psychotherapists, and so we'll give you sort of the 536 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:29,680 Speaker 4: more therapy angle, which is our brains have sort of 537 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:34,080 Speaker 4: a misperception that if we focus on information over and 538 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 4: over that we're going to have more of a sense 539 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 4: of control or that something different might happen. But really, 540 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:44,000 Speaker 4: when you are experiencing and we teach kids this too, 541 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,240 Speaker 4: is that when you're experiencing something as sticky in your brain, 542 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,520 Speaker 4: like a sticky thought or something that just won't leave. 543 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:54,320 Speaker 4: It's important to go back to that mindfulness practice, which is, ah, 544 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:57,480 Speaker 4: I'm having a thought that's bringing me a sense of anxiety. 545 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,640 Speaker 4: Can I notice that thought is there? Can I let 546 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:04,680 Speaker 4: it pass? Can I do something else with my hands 547 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:08,240 Speaker 4: or interact with the world, something with my senses to 548 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:11,600 Speaker 4: help bring myself out of that. And actually reducing consumption 549 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:13,440 Speaker 4: of media is a huge part of that, because every 550 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,440 Speaker 4: time you refresh or see something new, that jolt comes 551 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 4: right back. 552 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,960 Speaker 5: And I would add I love what you said about 553 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,120 Speaker 5: finding it an actual time to do things like that. 554 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:30,040 Speaker 5: There's a thing called office hours that we could set 555 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,680 Speaker 5: an amount of time to watch the news. We can 556 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:36,360 Speaker 5: also do that with children with worry. We can say, Okay, 557 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:39,680 Speaker 5: we've got this amount of time to think about this 558 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,720 Speaker 5: and to talk about it, and then we're going to 559 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 5: set it aside until the next day. And what it 560 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,760 Speaker 5: does is it does is we're saying, it does help 561 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,600 Speaker 5: us come back in those moments. We're not over activating 562 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 5: ourselves over and over and over again with the same 563 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,560 Speaker 5: thought or with the same refresh, as you said on 564 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:02,560 Speaker 5: the news, but allowing ourselves a little bit of space 565 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:06,040 Speaker 5: from it. And the key thing in this is that 566 00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 5: our nervous system gets activated, and when we get activated, 567 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:16,320 Speaker 5: we have less of an ability to find a moment 568 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 5: of calm when our brain and Dan Siegel coined this 569 00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,120 Speaker 5: term flipping our lid. I think we kind of all 570 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:26,640 Speaker 5: know and can visualize what that means, But that actually 571 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:29,680 Speaker 5: means that our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain 572 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:33,440 Speaker 5: that helps us to make decisions, is not there to 573 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,800 Speaker 5: in that moment. And they know from science that it 574 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:41,200 Speaker 5: takes twenty minutes for our brain to get reconnected again. 575 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 5: So if we can get a little bit of space, 576 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:47,760 Speaker 5: as you said, from those things that are scary and 577 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,719 Speaker 5: do like what you said, step away for a minute, 578 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 5: really give yourself a minute, and that will help in 579 00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:59,080 Speaker 5: all the things we've been talking about. It'll help a 580 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:03,520 Speaker 5: parent to feel better and calmer and better able to 581 00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:06,920 Speaker 5: take on what's happening. And it helps a child to 582 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:12,280 Speaker 5: feel less activated and scared, and especially if they're already 583 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:13,760 Speaker 5: worried child. 584 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:14,400 Speaker 3: It's amazing. 585 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,920 Speaker 1: All right, Well, thank you guys so much for sharing 586 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,200 Speaker 1: all these practical tips. We always end these interviews we 587 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,720 Speaker 1: have a segment called Love of the Week, which is 588 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:28,560 Speaker 1: anything that you are enjoying right now, I can go first, 589 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,400 Speaker 1: so I can give you a minute to think about it. 590 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,440 Speaker 1: I read a lot of stuff electronically, just because it's 591 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: so easy to get ebooks and to have a band 592 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,960 Speaker 1: phone with me. Like if I'm sitting with my five 593 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,560 Speaker 1: year old because he's having trouble going to sleep, for instance, 594 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,560 Speaker 1: you know, I can read on my phone, which is 595 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:45,760 Speaker 1: I can't do with a paperback. So I tend not 596 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,560 Speaker 1: to buy many paperbacks, but I did the other day 597 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 1: because I happened to be at an airport. 598 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 3: Bookstore, and you know, I really enjoy it. 599 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:56,400 Speaker 1: It's fun to read something paper because it feels like 600 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,600 Speaker 1: a little vacation from everything else going on. 601 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:03,680 Speaker 3: So read a paperback book is my love of the week, Ashley. 602 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:04,120 Speaker 3: How about you. 603 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,440 Speaker 5: I am presently obsessed with tennis. 604 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:11,880 Speaker 6: Oh okay, yes, And so I would say that the 605 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,920 Speaker 6: thing that is really the love of my week or 606 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:19,160 Speaker 6: the joy that I'm having is the moments I do 607 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:21,480 Speaker 6: get to step out on a tennis court. 608 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,680 Speaker 5: And I have just taken it up recently, so I 609 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:27,920 Speaker 5: wouldn't say that I'm that great, but I love the 610 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,880 Speaker 5: practice of doing it over and over again and just 611 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:34,520 Speaker 5: improving a little bit and getting outside and getting a 612 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 5: little sunshine on my face. 613 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:39,080 Speaker 3: Awesome, awesome, And Maria, Laura. 614 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,000 Speaker 4: I'm going to piggyback off of yours, which is this 615 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:45,600 Speaker 4: week I've really been enjoying. You might know, there's a 616 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 4: series in the New York Times called Tiny Love Stories, 617 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,239 Speaker 4: and there are these tiny, tiny little snippets, like I 618 00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:54,080 Speaker 4: think they are about four or five sentences each where 619 00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,879 Speaker 4: people just talk about and distill the love that they 620 00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,720 Speaker 4: have for either a parent or a partner, or sibling 621 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:04,359 Speaker 4: or child. And it's really heartwarming, and it really just 622 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,719 Speaker 4: takes me into the moment and reminds me of what's 623 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:07,440 Speaker 4: most important. 624 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 3: Awesome. 625 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: Well, Ashley and Maria, thank you guys so much, and 626 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: everyone be sure to pick up your copy of Raising 627 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:14,360 Speaker 1: Calm Kids in a World of Worry. 628 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:15,719 Speaker 3: Thank you. 629 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,839 Speaker 1: Well, we are back some helpful tips there on how 630 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:23,520 Speaker 1: we can raise resilient children who are focused on moving 631 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:27,480 Speaker 1: forward as opposed to being completely anxious about headlines and 632 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:32,520 Speaker 1: things like that. So a somewhat random question that a 633 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,560 Speaker 1: listener sent in said, I could ask the class, or 634 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:39,560 Speaker 1: we could answer, but when did your kids start cutting 635 00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:41,080 Speaker 1: their own nails? 636 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,799 Speaker 2: So, Sarah, I don't know the exact age but I 637 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 2: know that Cameron will do his own and he is 638 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,760 Speaker 2: eleven and Genevieve will not, so it's somewhere in there. 639 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:51,560 Speaker 3: I think. 640 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:55,680 Speaker 2: I feel like fourth ish grade, at least in our family, 641 00:35:55,719 --> 00:35:57,759 Speaker 2: has been when like a lot of the personal care 642 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:02,680 Speaker 2: stuff just gets really taken over by the individual. 643 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:04,040 Speaker 3: And I do think sometimes you. 644 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,000 Speaker 2: Have to make sure they have the right tools. You 645 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:10,440 Speaker 2: can demonstrate, you can give curtique, like oh, I think 646 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:12,680 Speaker 2: you cut your nails a little too close or something 647 00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,239 Speaker 2: like that. Like I think that you can definitely give feedback. 648 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,839 Speaker 2: But and I'm sure one age is not the right 649 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,960 Speaker 2: answer for all, But that's kind of been our general ballpark. 650 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,560 Speaker 3: What about you guys, Yeah, I don't know. 651 00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,040 Speaker 1: This is actually probably one of my least favorite kid 652 00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:27,040 Speaker 1: care things, and I feel like it's always me, Like 653 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:28,960 Speaker 1: I'm not sure the children's nails would ever have been 654 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,920 Speaker 1: cut if I were like not around. But it's uh, 655 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: I mean definitely, I still have to deal with Henry's 656 00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:36,879 Speaker 1: and I don't do it often enough because I hate 657 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,960 Speaker 1: doing it, so some of his nails get a little long. 658 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:43,160 Speaker 1: I do believe that it's around ten and eleven that 659 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,880 Speaker 1: a lot of the body care stuff starts being more 660 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:49,880 Speaker 1: of the kid's individual concern, like they start thinking about 661 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,239 Speaker 1: it a little bit more, or like not wanting to 662 00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,759 Speaker 1: change in front of you or anything like that, you know, 663 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,040 Speaker 1: wanting to not have you run a bath or turn 664 00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,200 Speaker 1: on the shower or anything along those lines. And so 665 00:37:00,239 --> 00:37:02,600 Speaker 1: a lot of the other personal care stuff starts happening 666 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:07,359 Speaker 1: on their own schedule then too. But I will point 667 00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:09,160 Speaker 1: out that I'm not sure some of my kids ever 668 00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:10,759 Speaker 1: really cut the nails because I have a couple of 669 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:11,719 Speaker 1: nail biters. 670 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:16,160 Speaker 3: So it's like a problem that solves itself. 671 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,839 Speaker 2: Oh man, I have definitely gone through phases of nail biting. 672 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:21,680 Speaker 2: I've been really good, though I haven't been there for 673 00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:22,319 Speaker 2: a long time. 674 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:26,239 Speaker 1: So yeah, good for you, Good for you. So I'm 675 00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:28,799 Speaker 1: not sure if that answer was helpful or not. But 676 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:32,120 Speaker 1: nail biting, as we've been talking about it, so that's 677 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 1: not going to take care. I don't know what's going 678 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:34,600 Speaker 1: on with people's toenails. 679 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:38,040 Speaker 3: I just don't ask. We're in a northern climate, we're 680 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,359 Speaker 3: in socks for like ten months of the year. 681 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:45,359 Speaker 1: Like, I don't see people's toes. It's who even knows. 682 00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:47,799 Speaker 1: I see it gets dealt with one way or the other. 683 00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:49,319 Speaker 3: Well, feel free to let us know. 684 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:53,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I want to hear other people's like when 685 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,520 Speaker 1: kids started cutting their own nails and if you've got 686 00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:59,799 Speaker 1: nail biers, we maybe we can hear about that too. 687 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,399 Speaker 1: That has to do with this episode of being anxious 688 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,080 Speaker 1: and a world of worry, or I don't know, maybe 689 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,560 Speaker 1: people do it for other reasons. But in any case, 690 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 1: we will be back next week with more on making 691 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:11,320 Speaker 1: work and life fit together. 692 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:14,280 Speaker 3: Thanks for listening. 693 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 2: You can find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com 694 00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:21,399 Speaker 2: or at the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, and you. 695 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:25,600 Speaker 1: Can find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This 696 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:28,919 Speaker 1: has been the best of both worlds podcasts. Please join 697 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:31,720 Speaker 1: us next time for more on making work and life 698 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:32,520 Speaker 1: work together.