Speaker 1: I am Yamla.
Speaker 2: I've been very open about the fact that I was
Speaker 2: not always good at making my relationships pork. I have
Speaker 2: been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
Speaker 1: In other words, I have seen a.
Speaker 2: Lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 2: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 2: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 2: the Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 2: with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the Our Spot, the
Speaker 2: place we come to talk about relationships, all kinds of
Speaker 2: relationships and what happens in them and where we fall off,
Speaker 2: where we need to get on, where we need to
Speaker 2: get off, And that's our topic today, getting off or
Speaker 2: getting out, in other words, an exit strategy. Now, we
Speaker 2: started this conversation last week with my two co hosts,
Speaker 2: Sierra and Isis. Sierra had to leave us, but Isis
Speaker 2: is still with us and we're going to continue talking
Speaker 2: about an exit strategy. So let me be real clear
Speaker 2: what an exit strategy is. It's your plan to be out,
Speaker 2: it's your plan to be gone, it's your plan to leave.
Speaker 2: And a good exit strategy means you have to plan
Speaker 2: something when possible, because, as Isis has shared and as
Speaker 2: I have shared, sometimes you don't get the opportunity to plan,
Speaker 2: You don't get the opportunity to communicate your intentions. You
Speaker 2: just got to be gone. So but a good exit plan,
Speaker 2: if you have time to plan your strategy and where
Speaker 2: you're going, begins with the vision where you see yourself going,
Speaker 2: and then taking into account where you are with your self,
Speaker 2: within yourself, taking into account your resources and your support system.
Speaker 2: You got to be clear about why you're leaving. If
Speaker 2: you're not clear about why you're leaving, whatever it is,
Speaker 2: the job, the marriage, the tendency, If you're not clear,
Speaker 2: chances are you can be sucked in talked in to
Speaker 2: coming back. You also have to have a clear vision
Speaker 2: about where you are going, not just physically, but where
Speaker 2: you're going mentally, where you're going emotionally, Where you're going physically,
Speaker 2: Did I say that where you're going physically, where you're
Speaker 2: going emotionally, and where you're going mentally. Those are things
Speaker 2: that you can do for you within you. You've got
Speaker 2: to be clear. My guests have spoken about wanting to
Speaker 2: be authentic, wanting to be free, wanting to pursue a
Speaker 2: different way in life. That's important for you to understand
Speaker 2: where you're going. The other thing is is about an
Speaker 2: exit strategy. You've got to look at the hard facts.
Speaker 2: Do you have what it takes to maintain yourself? I
Speaker 2: cannot tell you the number of people that stay in relationships,
Speaker 2: stay on jobs, stay in situationships and entanglements because they
Speaker 2: simply don't have the means to take care of themselves.
Speaker 2: So while they don't want to be where they are,
Speaker 2: they're dependent upon the person. You got to clean that up.
Speaker 2: So you may have a vision of leaving. It may
Speaker 2: take you an actual year or more to get out,
Speaker 2: but that speaks to always being able to stand on
Speaker 2: your own two feet. And I know they are housewives
Speaker 2: or husband house husbands, they're stay at home moms. They're
Speaker 2: all kinds of situations where we haven't been able to
Speaker 2: gather our resources or hold on to them. But that
Speaker 2: doesn't mean you can't have an exit strategy. So we're
Speaker 2: going to continue that conversation today. Miss Isis, my co host,
Speaker 2: is still with me, and we've got guests and we're
Speaker 2: going to talk to them, and we encourage you to
Speaker 2: take notes because you never know when you are going
Speaker 2: to need an exit strategy. Let me see what my
Speaker 2: next guest has to say about an exit strategy. Greetings,
Speaker 2: we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. Thank
Speaker 2: you for your patience. We're talking about exit strategies today.
Speaker 2: Now do you have one or do you need one?
Speaker 3: Well? I left, so physically physically I'm fine, but emotionally
Speaker 3: I need an exit strategy. This was a twenty five
Speaker 3: year marriage and we are so entangled. It's like, you know,
Speaker 3: I physically left, but I'm still there.
Speaker 2: Wow, that is such a good point. You need a
Speaker 2: physical exit strategy, you need a mental exit strategy, and
Speaker 2: you need an emotional exit strategy. So when you say
Speaker 2: you're still there, tell me more.
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 3: So I still need him to pick the kids up.
Speaker 3: You know, our budgets and now I have another household,
Speaker 3: so you know, I need him to help me still
Speaker 3: feed the kids and help me still run them the sports,
Speaker 3: and you know, and then mentally he was even though
Speaker 3: it was rough, he was, you know, my best friend,
Speaker 3: and we depended on each other. So we don't have
Speaker 3: these outer networks. So even when stuff happens, I think
Speaker 3: about him first, to talk to so we just so
Speaker 3: entwined with each other, but the relationship isn't there.
Speaker 1: Well why did you leave? Why did you.
Speaker 3: Couldn't breathe infidelity through a lot of emotional stress and
Speaker 3: just a lot of just a lot of stuff, you know,
Speaker 3: And I finally and I had checked out a while ago.
Speaker 3: He had checked out a while ago, but you know,
Speaker 3: I didn't have the means to leave. Finally got a
Speaker 3: better job, got a way to get out, and I left.
Speaker 3: But he literally is there like every single day.
Speaker 1: All right, So you didn't have an exit strategy. You
Speaker 1: just left.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, that's didn't have a vision, Nope, didn't have
Speaker 2: a plan. Okay, so now that you're gone, these are
Speaker 2: the things that you have to work on, a vision
Speaker 2: and a plan for the new normal, because this is
Speaker 2: a new normal, right. You know he's not in the house,
Speaker 2: but you're still depending on him. Right, So what is
Speaker 2: the what is the emotional tie? Because these things that
Speaker 2: you're talking about are not necessarily emotional. What's your emotional tie?
Speaker 3: I feel bad for him?
Speaker 1: You do?
Speaker 3: I do? I? You know, I will push him away
Speaker 3: and just be like, okay, this is my space. You
Speaker 3: gotta go home. You got to give us the space.
Speaker 3: And you know, I feel bad because he's got to
Speaker 3: go back to that house all by himself, and you know,
Speaker 3: he's sorry, and I can't. You know, he says, oh,
Speaker 3: you should forgive me. You know, you stayed through all
Speaker 3: this infidelity. Why this time? You know? And I don't know.
Speaker 3: I just start questioning myself, in doubting myself, like, well,
Speaker 3: you know maybe, and then the face. I didn't grow
Speaker 3: up with my dad, So that's another That's why I
Speaker 3: really stay so long. It's because I wanted my kids
Speaker 3: to have that too parent facade. Noah, No, that wasn't real.
Speaker 3: But you know, I just I stayed and now I
Speaker 3: feel like I'm gone, but he can't. He still needs us,
Speaker 3: you know, and he reminds me of that every single day.
Speaker 3: I need my family. I need y'all. I need y'all.
Speaker 3: But it truly is draining me.
Speaker 4: It's abusive. Hi, how were you? Thank you for sharing?
Speaker 4: This is isis? That's abusive. What he's doing. That's a
Speaker 4: manipulation at its best. I was married fifteen years. My
Speaker 4: husband was diagnosed as a narcissist. I had no idea
Speaker 4: what it was. He manipulated me, He made me feel
Speaker 4: the same as what you're saying. We didn't have any
Speaker 4: kids together, but we got married. My youngest was two
Speaker 4: and a half turning three, and he's disabled, so we
Speaker 4: were very entwined for a long time, even after I left.
Speaker 4: But it's just manipulation, you know, the right thing to do.
Speaker 4: Your perception is not wrong. He's gaslighting you. That's what
Speaker 4: I dealt with, and I'm praying for you to be
Speaker 4: honest with you.
Speaker 3: So we are.
Speaker 4: It's hard, it's real hard, and they make you feel
Speaker 4: like you the bad guy. He's at that house by
Speaker 4: himself because he deserves to be at that house by himself,
Speaker 4: because the way he's treated you. I had to learn
Speaker 4: to put myself first. I had to learn it, and
Speaker 4: it's the best thing.
Speaker 1: I have done, Beloved.
Speaker 2: I want to know what do you hear Isa saying
Speaker 2: to you now the words that she spoke. I want
Speaker 2: to hear what you hear her say that you matter?
Speaker 2: Mm hmmm?
Speaker 1: Who matters me? Okay? So own it?
Speaker 4: I matter? I matter?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And what else? What else do you hear her saying
Speaker 1: to you?
Speaker 3: It's not my fault.
Speaker 4: In that.
Speaker 1: What's not your fault?
Speaker 3: Helm not being alone?
Speaker 1: Mm?
Speaker 3: Hmm. And that he can make it, he can make
Speaker 3: it on his own. That he's deceiving me by making
Speaker 3: me think that he can't make it without us.
Speaker 2: Well, I find it interesting that you've made what you
Speaker 2: heard from her, which was directed toward you, You've made
Speaker 2: it about him. Are you aware of that he can
Speaker 2: make it?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: Well, okay, so see this is this is really speaks
Speaker 2: to the importance of an exit strategy, and I think
Speaker 2: it was isis earlier on set, work on you, work
Speaker 2: on you, because the exit strategy is just it's not
Speaker 2: just about getting out or leaving. It's about how do
Speaker 2: you navigate the new place and how do you stay gone?
Speaker 2: You have never left. You're still there because you didn't
Speaker 2: have a vision, you didn't have a plan, you didn't
Speaker 2: have a strategy. You got the money to get your
Speaker 2: own place, and your left, didn't You know how old
Speaker 2: are your children?
Speaker 3: Nineteen, fifteen and four.
Speaker 2: Okay, so the nineteen and the fifteen they can get
Speaker 2: them their own set.
Speaker 1: Where do you live? You live in the city, you
Speaker 1: live in a country in the bush? Where do you live?
Speaker 3: I live in the suburbs New York?
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, so can the children the nineteen and the
Speaker 2: fifteen year old. Can they get to where they need
Speaker 2: to be without him having to come get them?
Speaker 3: Maybe? I mean, well, here's the thing that I say,
Speaker 3: maybe because the fifteen year old maybe not so much,
Speaker 3: you know, because she does she's the baby fifteen, she's
Speaker 3: my nineteen year old. I've talked to it. I've talked
Speaker 3: to him and I told him, I said, I need
Speaker 3: you to stop up. You can take my car, you
Speaker 3: can get word navigate. I'm at work all day. You
Speaker 3: can use my car. But his father comes and he
Speaker 3: takes over. No, you don't need to let her have
Speaker 3: her car. I'll drive you like he just is just
Speaker 3: always on us. Every time I make a plan, he
Speaker 3: comes and changes it.
Speaker 1: Again. You're making it about him.
Speaker 2: Here's what I want you to own this, if you
Speaker 2: can see, if you can own this all right, I
Speaker 2: am a single mother. I am a mother raising three
Speaker 2: kids alone. Can you own that?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Let me hear it. I don't. I don't hear it.
Speaker 1: I'm not hearing ownership here. I am a mother.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I am a single mother raising three kids alone.
Speaker 2: Okay, so now you are a single mother raising three
Speaker 2: kids alone? Who and you work and the children have
Speaker 2: to get to certain places. How do you navigate that
Speaker 2: as a single mom? Just let's just take him out
Speaker 2: the picture. He moved to Vietnam.
Speaker 1: He's in Vietnam. Isis? That has meaning? Isis?
Speaker 2: And the listeners? Okay, so here he's gone. Let's say
Speaker 2: he's gone. What do you what do you do tomorrow
Speaker 2: with these three kids? And he's gone? Because see you're
Speaker 2: speaking betrays you. You're speaking betrays you. You made a
Speaker 2: choice to move out, but you're never left, right, you
Speaker 2: never left because had you left, you would have had
Speaker 2: a plan as a single mom for what to do
Speaker 2: with your kids, with your children?
Speaker 1: What the hell?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 2: Who did you think was going to pick him up?
Speaker 2: If you didn't have a plan.
Speaker 3: I thought, honestly, I thought that he was going to
Speaker 3: be able to come to that front door. I would
Speaker 3: push them out and go they go?
Speaker 2: Why are you depending upon the man that you left?
Speaker 1: Hello? Help me, I'm old?
Speaker 4: No, Why are you well?
Speaker 2: Why have you Why have you built a plan and
Speaker 2: a strategy on a man that you left. What are
Speaker 2: the boundaries that you've created? What are the responsibilities of
Speaker 2: co parenting? Because this could look very different. Okay, you
Speaker 2: have him, this week, I have him next week, when
Speaker 2: you have him, don't come to my house when I
Speaker 2: have him. When you have them, I won't come to
Speaker 2: your house when I have them. You don't come to mind.
Speaker 2: You're a single mom raising three kids. You need a
Speaker 2: whole new approach.
Speaker 3: Right, you left him.
Speaker 2: But then you depend upon him. What the hell right
Speaker 2: you're speaking betrays you have not left this marriage. You're
Speaker 2: punishing him.
Speaker 1: For what he did to you.
Speaker 4: That's what it sounds like.
Speaker 1: That's what it is.
Speaker 4: Because a boundary needs to be aligned, needs to You understand,
Speaker 4: when I left him, he didn't know where I was at.
Speaker 4: I messed up by giving him the address of the
Speaker 4: home I was buying. He popped up after I moved in,
Speaker 4: and I told him, you ever come back, You're gonna
Speaker 4: You're gonna have problems. But you got it because he's
Speaker 4: now welcome. This is my privacy, this is my home. Goodbye.
Speaker 4: So how do I use that now?
Speaker 3: Because I feel like i'm you know, I have let
Speaker 3: this go for five months. Now, how do I stand
Speaker 3: up and say, Okay, I can own this. I can
Speaker 3: own the fact that I'm a single Mohammed, He's in
Speaker 3: three kids, and I need you to stay where you are.
Speaker 2: Well, she's got there has to be communication because they
Speaker 2: are children involved. Oh true, But what you're shifting out of,
Speaker 2: what you're shifting out of is a joint dwelling where
Speaker 2: you and him live together. And now you're in a
Speaker 2: cold parenting situation. And sure, the children want to be
Speaker 2: with him. He wants to be with the children, but
Speaker 2: you've created a situation that's unsustainable because you can't be
Speaker 2: a single mom with three children totally dependent on your
Speaker 2: ex husband or your husband your husband, totally dependent on
Speaker 2: your husband to help you with the children.
Speaker 1: The first thing you.
Speaker 3: Doesn't want to be with the children. He wants to
Speaker 3: be with me. He could care less about them.
Speaker 2: Well huh, okay, well there you go. Good piece of
Speaker 2: information to have. But see, he's going to do that
Speaker 2: until you get clear. I didn't move out, I'm leaving
Speaker 2: the marriage.
Speaker 1: You just moved out. You're still in the marriage.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: Have you been to court to get your child supported
Speaker 2: in your alimony? Have you filed for divorce? What's really
Speaker 2: going on here?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: Hello, yeah, does he give you money?
Speaker 3: Yeah? But it's a fight.
Speaker 2: What's the fight? It's called c O U RT court fight.
Speaker 2: That's what it's called.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's always my bill. What I gotta do. So
Speaker 3: that I did, just have a conversation with him and
Speaker 3: tell him, like, look, if you don't do it, get
Speaker 3: this is some out. I need to take care of
Speaker 3: your kids monthly. I am going to take you for
Speaker 3: child support.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: Is this the first time you all have separated?
Speaker 1: No, so you moved out.
Speaker 2: Before or he moved out before I did. Okay, so
Speaker 2: he thinks you're joking. He thinks you're joking. He's going
Speaker 2: to do what he did to get you to come back.
Speaker 2: Are you going back to this marriage?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 3: Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: Why why aren't you going? Why aren't you going back?
Speaker 3: The means that I am right now. It just I
Speaker 3: want to do things that he doesn't see, you know.
Speaker 3: I want to do grown woman things. I want to travel,
Speaker 3: I want to invest. I want to pursue my passions,
Speaker 3: write my book, tell my stories. Hopefully let my scars
Speaker 3: encourage other people. Like I have a whole destiny on
Speaker 3: my life that I can't do because I'm at home
Speaker 3: being broadbeatd you know, being made to felt like everything
Speaker 3: is about him. So I just I need to be
Speaker 3: free to do what I gotta do I feel like
Speaker 3: pulling me out and I just for some reason, my
Speaker 3: feet are stuck.
Speaker 2: No, you don't be good the question, well, okay, I
Speaker 2: think you're doing good.
Speaker 4: Already more work to do, she has more work to do,
Speaker 4: but she's already made. But she she's shivering and she weary,
Speaker 4: but she she took a step out there. So that's
Speaker 4: a good first step of it. But now you need
Speaker 4: to start making a list what you need to do,
Speaker 4: making yourself strong, reminding yourself. This is all for your
Speaker 4: freedom to get to what you want out of life,
Speaker 4: your goals, and this is only a hurdle. You need
Speaker 4: to just overcome and go get that PaperWorks, Go do that.
Speaker 1: Child.
Speaker 2: We've got lots more to talk about in terms of
Speaker 2: leaving but not being gone, and we're going to do
Speaker 2: that when we come back. Welcome back to the art spy.
Speaker 2: I'm hearing some things in my caller, and it seems
Speaker 2: to me that she left, but she's not really gone,
Speaker 2: So I want to explore that a little bit. The
Speaker 2: first thing she has to do is stand up in
Speaker 2: her choice, and I'm not clear what the choice is.
Speaker 2: Do you want to be out of this marriage? Do
Speaker 2: you want to be divorced. Or do you want him
Speaker 2: to just come to his senses and be a better
Speaker 2: man so that you'all can continue in your life together.
Speaker 2: What is your true desire? Okay, so you're complete with
Speaker 2: the marriage.
Speaker 3: I'm complete with the marriage.
Speaker 1: Okay? Are you complete with him?
Speaker 3: I would like us to be friends.
Speaker 2: Here's the question that would be the answer had the
Speaker 2: question been do you want to be friend with him?
Speaker 2: Here's the question. Are you complete with him? Are you
Speaker 2: complete with him?
Speaker 3: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: That means can you see your life? Can you see
Speaker 2: your life one year, three years, five years, ten years
Speaker 2: down the road with him playing absolutely no part in
Speaker 2: your life but co parenting and being a part of
Speaker 2: your children's lives.
Speaker 1: Can you see that?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, Okay.
Speaker 2: Now I want you to check between I want you
Speaker 2: to check between your big toe and.
Speaker 1: Your second toe.
Speaker 2: I want you to think about that place and find
Speaker 2: out if there's a woman down in between your toes
Speaker 2: that still.
Speaker 1: Wants to give him a little bit every now and then.
Speaker 1: Is she down in the toe?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: Okay? Check under your left breast.
Speaker 2: Is there a woman up under your left breast that
Speaker 2: could still be talked into, manipulated, guided in the moment
Speaker 2: of weakness to give him some Is.
Speaker 1: She under there?
Speaker 2: No, okay, check your ear load, check your right ear load.
Speaker 2: Check and see in your right ear load there's anybody
Speaker 2: in there that looks at him with a longing eye. No, okay,
Speaker 2: all right, Because as long as there's a part of
Speaker 2: you that wants him, and I hear you saying that,
Speaker 2: I hear you saying that. But as long as there
Speaker 2: is a part of you that wants him and you
Speaker 2: don't get her.
Speaker 1: In check, you in trouble.
Speaker 2: So you check under the left breast, the right breast,
Speaker 2: You check all your puper cares, You check your armpit,
Speaker 2: check behind your ear and make sure that there's no
Speaker 2: part of you that's still wants him. And should you
Speaker 2: find a part of him that says, if only he could,
Speaker 2: and maybe he will. If you're finding that part of her,
Speaker 2: I want you to take her, that part of you,
Speaker 2: put her in the closet in the dark with two
Speaker 2: knit needles, and tell her to knit you a sweater
Speaker 2: in the dark, because as long as she's there, you're
Speaker 2: gonna play these games.
Speaker 1: This is a game.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you are now a single mother with three children.
Speaker 3: I wrote it down.
Speaker 1: How do you plan.
Speaker 2: How do you plan to transport your children around without
Speaker 2: employing the services of your whatsman? How do you do that?
Speaker 2: You got friends? Are their mothers in the school or
Speaker 2: their other parents in the block? First of all, I
Speaker 2: want to know why you got a four year old?
Speaker 2: What the hell is that?
Speaker 1: Fifteen and four?
Speaker 3: You know I didn't miss that.
Speaker 1: That didn't slide past me.
Speaker 3: Well, you know, I didn't really have the equipment to
Speaker 3: have her, So that is definitely she was a miracle.
Speaker 3: She was not supposed to happen. I don't even know
Speaker 3: my dad. A broken tube and a missing tube, there
Speaker 3: was supposed to be nothing getting through there. But she came,
Speaker 3: and she came. I found out I was pregnant right
Speaker 3: when I found out that he had been in a
Speaker 3: nine month relationship with another woman. And you know, being
Speaker 3: as ghost as I am, so I was like, what
Speaker 3: I'm gonna do? You know, at this age, y'all.
Speaker 1: Just got to.
Speaker 2: Listen to me. I don't want you to talk about
Speaker 2: him no more. I don't care if he slept with
Speaker 2: the Queen of England naked on your living room floor,
Speaker 2: because you're making yourself a.
Speaker 1: Victim, not a victim.
Speaker 4: How long were you married twenty five years.
Speaker 1: Oops, didn't work. Here we go. That's it.
Speaker 2: Stop telling the just stuck in the story. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: that's the part of you that will still warn him.
Speaker 2: If only he would maybe he means it this time,
Speaker 2: Maybe he's maybe we can. I'm telling you, check your
Speaker 2: right breast. She's in there. Somebody's in there. She's gonna
Speaker 2: get you. Every woman needs a posse. You need a posse.
Speaker 3: Baby.
Speaker 1: You don't have a posse.
Speaker 2: You know that that that group of women that the
Speaker 2: rideing die with you.
Speaker 1: You don't have a posse. That's a problem.
Speaker 2: So here we are, single mom with three kids and
Speaker 2: a manipulating husband.
Speaker 1: What you're gonna do?
Speaker 2: What's your ex what is your exit strategy?
Speaker 3: I need that nineteen year old just to really step
Speaker 3: up and just own the plan, because if he can
Speaker 3: do the driving and the transporting, you know, then not
Speaker 3: that would help. That would cut out a huge a dependency.
Speaker 2: Well, you know, I'm old school. I'm old school. I'm
Speaker 2: old school. Forgive me, I'm old school. I hear what
Speaker 2: you're saying. But he's nineteen.
Speaker 1: Is he going to college?
Speaker 3: Yes, but he's not doing nothing for the summer but working.
Speaker 2: Okay, but you got to live beyond the summer, my love,
Speaker 2: What are you going to do in September?
Speaker 1: If he goes to college?
Speaker 4: I got him my.
Speaker 2: Way to college.
Speaker 3: No, he's gonna be home.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, see I just I just helped me.
Speaker 2: Isis because I you're asking him to do something that
Speaker 2: you can't do. You're asking your nineteen year old to
Speaker 2: do something for you that you didn't plan for. That's
Speaker 2: not his life, that's your life. That's a I know,
Speaker 2: I I know I'm being hard on your mama, I know,
Speaker 2: but I call for help.
Speaker 1: It's necessary.
Speaker 4: He is nineteen. So I have a twenty year old
Speaker 4: and a twenty five year old and he is nineteen.
Speaker 4: Now he does live with you, correct, yes, and he
Speaker 4: lives rent free yes okay, and so food free.
Speaker 3: Light free, anything you need free.
Speaker 1: But he's going to school. Make him.
Speaker 2: Make him get a job after school or during school
Speaker 2: or work study or whatever. So he has his little
Speaker 2: money that you don't have to give him.
Speaker 3: Let him put Okay, still have his money, but he
Speaker 3: doesn't manage his money well. So I'm always feeling in
Speaker 3: the gap.
Speaker 2: About well, that's a problem. He's nineteen. If he got
Speaker 2: to walk because he's spending his money. If his phone
Speaker 2: go off because he pay it. Come on, Mama, you
Speaker 2: got to step up. I'm you're right, you're right.
Speaker 4: But I'm very dependent on you. He's very dependent on
Speaker 4: you as well, right, yeah, yeah, okay, they all are
Speaker 4: all three other woman three you're superwoman. Uh huh, you're
Speaker 4: a superwoman. This is a hard one because if my
Speaker 4: daughter when she was here, she would help me out
Speaker 4: with some stuff. But she was driving a car without
Speaker 4: having to pay for it and stuff, and I was
Speaker 4: doing the insurance and everything. So I helped her out.
Speaker 4: She was an adult, she paid her way through college.
Speaker 4: Now you know, she's moved on with her life. So
Speaker 4: she does help me with her brother, even though now
Speaker 4: he's an adult, like she's in Little Rock. I send him.
Speaker 4: He'll spend like a week with her to give me
Speaker 4: a break. So it's kind of hard with that. It's
Speaker 4: really hard to say. But with him being still dependent
Speaker 4: on you, you probably do need to talk to him more
Speaker 4: about being a big brother and setting the example and
Speaker 4: see what he's willing to do in support of the family.
Speaker 4: You get what I mean like that, So then it's
Speaker 4: not like you're putting an ask on him. But I
Speaker 4: do believe that it's ultimately your responsibility to set something
Speaker 4: up on the transportation with the kids. Maybe you can
Speaker 4: try to hire somebody to do that, someone who just
Speaker 4: does the right because I actually did that for my
Speaker 4: two oldest nieces a long, long time ago. I used
Speaker 4: to pick both of them up from both of their
Speaker 4: schools and you know, bring them to my mother's house
Speaker 4: and take mothers to my niece, to my sisters. They
Speaker 4: pay me to do it, so it wasn't a lot
Speaker 4: of money. It was just like the gas, but it
Speaker 4: was just the fact that, you know, I was able
Speaker 4: to get them and spend time. But I didn't mind
Speaker 4: doing it because my daughter was very young and I
Speaker 4: wasn't working full time. So you could find a mom
Speaker 4: that you could hire to support you.
Speaker 2: Possibly, I've got a list. I've got a list. I'm
Speaker 2: listening to you talking. I've got a list. First of all,
Speaker 2: once you make up your mind that you're complete, that
Speaker 2: you're leaving, be willing to ask for help. Be willing
Speaker 2: to ask for help, because sometimes when we are exiting,
Speaker 2: our pride gets in the way and we try to
Speaker 2: do everything. We don't want anybody to know our business. No, no,
Speaker 2: be willing to ask for help and then asking for help,
Speaker 2: be sure to ask for what you need. Now, this
Speaker 2: is a very very important part I heard, miss isis
Speaker 2: say this, and it's educate the children. That means be sure,
Speaker 2: if they're old enough, you be sure to tell them
Speaker 2: you know what information to give and what information not
Speaker 2: to give. That's very very delicate because sometimes if they
Speaker 2: have a relationship with the parent, the other parent they
Speaker 2: you know, will just oh, well, we're living over at
Speaker 2: Aunt Tillies and we went to the pizza shop over
Speaker 2: on you know, West Blaine. So how you do that
Speaker 2: is very very delicate. I think throughout the process, particularly
Speaker 2: if there are children involved, communication is key, and don't
Speaker 2: make the children responsible. You can almost make it fun.
Speaker 2: I learned with my kids that children will do anything
Speaker 2: for pizza. Anything you promise pizza, they will do anything.
Speaker 2: So you say, listen, me and daddy are not going
Speaker 2: to be living together. He's trying to find a way.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to find a way. Or if you're a man,
Speaker 2: you know me and mommy, or if it's the same section,
Speaker 2: whatever your situation is, and tell the children, so listen
Speaker 2: right now, we're in transition.
Speaker 1: We're in a different way.
Speaker 2: So we got to be careful about how we talk
Speaker 2: about where we are. Things are going to settle down,
Speaker 2: things are going to be okay. But right now, let's
Speaker 2: not tell everybody that we're living over at aren't felicious.
Speaker 2: You know, find a way to talk to the children
Speaker 2: so that it doesn't frighten them. It gives them the
Speaker 2: necessary information and you know, it communicates to them what's
Speaker 2: going on. I want to I want to be sensitive
Speaker 2: and mindful of those situations where you are in danger.
Speaker 2: Where you are in danger, whether it's physical violence or
Speaker 2: sometimes even emotional violence, and you get to that moment
Speaker 2: when you have to exit, if you don't have a strategy,
Speaker 2: at the very least, find the nearest shelter, find the
Speaker 2: nearest women's center, find your nearest police station, find out
Speaker 2: whose sofa you can be on for a week or
Speaker 2: two before you just jump up or say anything. If
Speaker 2: you have the opportunity, at least put those pieces in
Speaker 2: place so that you can be safe. Safety must be
Speaker 2: a part of your exit strategy.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back after this Welcome back.
Speaker 2: We're talking about an exit strategy and what makes an
Speaker 2: exit strategy necessary. Well, sometimes the relationship has just broken down,
Speaker 2: as they would say in the legal system, irreputable differences.
Speaker 2: They cannot be fixed, they will not be fixed. Sometimes
Speaker 2: you're just miserable, you're unhappy, they're unhappy. You've just got
Speaker 2: to get out. And sometimes it's just time. It's just time.
Speaker 2: You've grown apart, you're moving in different directions. Maybe who
Speaker 2: you are now is not who you were when you
Speaker 2: got together, and you want to spread your wings, you know,
Speaker 2: flap your wings, whatever you want to do with them.
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just time. Honor that intuitive thing. Honor that
Speaker 2: intuitive part of you that says, this is done, this
Speaker 2: is over. And when you get that, don't try to
Speaker 2: make up reasons to stay. And yes, it will be difficult,
Speaker 2: it will be challenging. Don't get caught up in the story.
Speaker 2: Don't get caught up in the story. And here's a
Speaker 2: piece where people sometimes get stuck. What are they going
Speaker 2: to do without me? Or what am I going to
Speaker 2: do without them? If you can avoid asking that question,
Speaker 2: avoid it at all costs. Exit strategy. Let's continue with
Speaker 2: the conversation. Yeah, here's the thing, here's the thing, and
Speaker 2: I have to advocate for the son because I can't
Speaker 2: speak for his dad. You know, he's in a critical
Speaker 2: place in his life. He's got all his puper cares now,
Speaker 2: he's got you know, miss the man and his two
Speaker 2: people down there. You know, does he have a girlfriend.
Speaker 2: He's getting ready to go to college. He's going to
Speaker 2: have to deal with the stress of college. He's finding hisself.
Speaker 2: The last thing he needs to do right now is
Speaker 2: to become responsible for his mother.
Speaker 1: He don't need to do that now.
Speaker 2: I do believe that once he gets his college schedule,
Speaker 2: you can say, boo boo Tuesday and Thursday, I need
Speaker 2: you to pick up your sister. Okay, because once he
Speaker 2: has midterms and research and maybe football or he got
Speaker 2: the little girlfriend he he this is his time. He
Speaker 2: didn't end his marriage. You did right, and you also
Speaker 2: want to give him to So make it two or
Speaker 2: three days a week. Then if you have to hire somebody,
Speaker 2: it's only two days or three days. You know, to
Speaker 2: move the other kids around. Hundreds of thousands of women
Speaker 2: do this all the time. You have to figure this out.
Speaker 2: And we're not asking you to be a superwoman. We're
Speaker 2: asking you to have a clear vision, a plan and boundaries.
Speaker 2: Because you exited without a plan. See all of this
Speaker 2: you should have did before you paid your security deposit
Speaker 2: on you apartment.
Speaker 1: And you didn't.
Speaker 2: Here we are what is your vision? What is your vision?
Speaker 2: My vision is that me and my three children are
Speaker 2: going to live in this house. And again, is there
Speaker 2: a possibility that they're with you a week and with.
Speaker 1: Him a week?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 2: Is that a possibility. Is it a possibility that maybe
Speaker 2: two days a week you can work from home so
Speaker 2: that you can go get the kids. Is that a possibility?
Speaker 2: Have you asked for what you needed even in your
Speaker 2: work experience? Is that a possibility? So you got to
Speaker 2: open up, get out of the story. Oh he did
Speaker 2: me wrong, he didn't me bad. I'm forced now to
Speaker 2: live over here in the bushes with the squirrels. No,
Speaker 2: what do you need? Make a list of what you need.
Speaker 2: I need somebody to handle a four year old. I
Speaker 2: need somebody to get the fifteen year old here. I
Speaker 2: need somebody to get the nineteen year old here. I
Speaker 2: need you know whatever, Make a list of what you need,
Speaker 2: and your vision is to get it handled with Grayson ees?
Speaker 2: So can the kids be with him a week? Or
Speaker 2: can if the sun can do it? Two days of
Speaker 2: the week. He can arrange his college schedule that way,
Speaker 2: because you don't want him to become overwhelmed and drop
Speaker 2: out of school.
Speaker 4: Yeah, No, I don't want that, right, Yeah.
Speaker 2: And this is really his time. He's nineteen, he's learning independence, interdependence,
Speaker 2: developing relationships. He's going into college. He's got to do
Speaker 2: his own study, his own research. He's got to move
Speaker 2: around classes, he's got to navigate that. And yes, he
Speaker 2: can pick his brother up or sister up or whatever
Speaker 2: it is, two days a week. And then here's the
Speaker 2: big part. Clutch you girls. Clutch your pearls right now.
Speaker 1: Clutch them.
Speaker 2: You have to have a clear com You have to
Speaker 2: have a clear conversation with the woodsman. And the conversation
Speaker 2: is this is what I'm doing, This is what I'm
Speaker 2: asking you to do, This is what I need, and
Speaker 2: this is what I'm asking you for and we can
Speaker 2: do it privately, quietly among ourselves, or I can go
Speaker 2: to court. And no, I'm not coming back to you.
Speaker 2: I am complete. Put some base in your voice, grab
Speaker 2: on to your lady balls and put that boy in
Speaker 2: this place. You got lady balls. Do you know where
Speaker 2: your lady balls are?
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: And your lady balls have to have more hair on
Speaker 1: him than his dogs.
Speaker 2: Hey man, you got some work to do, my beloved,
Speaker 2: You've got some work to do. All of the things
Speaker 2: that we talked about. The first thing is get a
Speaker 2: vision for a year from now when me and miss
Speaker 2: Isis are gone on doing whatever we're doing. What do
Speaker 2: you want your life to look like? The next step?
Speaker 2: What do you need? What do you need the next step?
Speaker 2: What resources do you have the next step? What role
Speaker 2: are you asking him to play? And then you create
Speaker 2: clear boundaries. You enjoy your line in the sand, you know.
Speaker 2: And if it becomes a matter of you or him,
Speaker 2: you know, the husband and his feelings. I don't know
Speaker 2: why you're feeling sorry for him. You need to go
Speaker 2: have some apple liquor and get over that.
Speaker 1: But anyway, if.
Speaker 2: It becomes a matter of you and him, take him down.
Speaker 2: And I don't mean in a negative derogatory way, but
Speaker 2: I mean, get what you need because you got three
Speaker 2: young ones that you gotta deal with. You the mama bear.
Speaker 2: And see the thing about the Mama bear. When she's
Speaker 2: all four, she's nice and sweet and she's playing with
Speaker 2: the kids, and you know, she's picking berries but when
Speaker 2: she stands up on her two hind legs, she getting
Speaker 2: ready to jack somebody up. Get up on your two
Speaker 2: hind legs, lady, Come on, mama, bear up on your
Speaker 2: two hind legs. I am a single woman raising three
Speaker 2: children alone. They have a father, and this is the
Speaker 2: level of participation I'm requesting of him. So you're kind
Speaker 2: of backtracking your you're kind of backtracking your exit strategy.
Speaker 1: But that's okay.
Speaker 2: You can put it in place now because you're didn't exit,
Speaker 2: you just moved out, So now we're getting ready to exit.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense to you? Miss Isis, I'm a
Speaker 2: little harder than you are. I'm hardcore. I'm sorry that
Speaker 2: does that does make sense?
Speaker 4: No, everything you're saying is exactly what needs to happen.
Speaker 4: The vision is first. Yeah, yeah, probably budget in the
Speaker 4: child support, any transportation, because you guys could split that
Speaker 4: cost when you go to child support.
Speaker 2: Okay, And like I said, can he keep them a week?
Speaker 1: Can they be two weeks for two two weeks with him?
Speaker 1: Two weeks for two two weeks for them?
Speaker 2: Are you all living in the same area where he
Speaker 2: can get him to school? He takes care of them.
Speaker 2: Your two weeks. You worry about your your two weeks.
Speaker 2: He takes care of him his two weeks. You worry
Speaker 2: about him your two weeks. And that'll give you to me.
Speaker 2: You know, if you got to pick up a second
Speaker 2: job so that you can pay the transportation or whatever
Speaker 2: it can. Hundreds of thousands of women do it every day.
Speaker 2: Join the club.
Speaker 3: Hello, Well, thank you ladies. Time I do. I made
Speaker 3: so many notes.
Speaker 4: Thank you. You welcome your time.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Take your time, bathe, get you, get you some apple liquor,
Speaker 2: and sit down and make a plan, make your strategy.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, I love it.
Speaker 2: Well, okay, alrighty, thank you so much. Miss Isis. I
Speaker 2: want to thank you. You have some powerful insights. I
Speaker 2: know I'm a little harder than you. I'm from Brooklyn,
Speaker 2: you're from Chicago. You're all a little soft around the edges.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you.
Speaker 2: Anything y'all want you want to leave our listeners with.
Speaker 2: In terms of creating an exit strategy, I.
Speaker 4: Would probably say my favorite scripture I can do all
Speaker 4: things with Christ. That's what I want to leave everybody with.
Speaker 4: Just remember that and stay humble, stay true to God,
Speaker 4: try to be as righteous as possible in this time
Speaker 4: when you are making an exit plan, just know God
Speaker 4: is with you. He has not left you. But if
Speaker 4: your situation is bad, ask yourself, is this a part
Speaker 4: of God's plans? Because most likely the answer is know
Speaker 4: a part of his plan is you accident? So that's
Speaker 4: what I want to leave everybody with.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Percises.
Speaker 2: I appreciate you, and good luck to you and your
Speaker 2: future endeavors. Exit strategy, Exit strategy. We've got some good
Speaker 2: good notes for you today. As our last caller demonstrated,
Speaker 2: you got to have the strategy to get out before
Speaker 2: you leave. And leaving isn't just about being gone. Leaving
Speaker 2: is about navigating the new normal, creating the new normal.
Speaker 2: And how do you stay gone? And particularly if you're
Speaker 2: a woman, I'm telling you check between your toads under
Speaker 2: your breast and your armpit behind your ear low, because
Speaker 2: if there's any part of you that is still entertaining
Speaker 2: a relationship with him, you're in a weak position. Have
Speaker 2: your vision. Have your vision. As our second caller demonstrated
Speaker 2: to us, you got to have a vision for where
Speaker 2: you're going and what it's going to look like, and
Speaker 2: show up in the new place in the way you
Speaker 2: want to be handled. If you left an economy position
Speaker 2: and you're moving into premium economy, show up that way.
Speaker 2: If you left premium economy and you showing you moving
Speaker 2: into a business class or first class, show up that way.
Speaker 2: That means how you present yourself, how you hold yourself,
Speaker 2: how you're thinking. The other thing I think in the
Speaker 2: exit strategy, and this is very important, get out of
Speaker 2: the story. Stay out of the story of what happened
Speaker 2: and why it happened, and if only it hadn't happened,
Speaker 2: and what would have happened if it hadn't Forget that.
Speaker 1: Forget that.
Speaker 2: You can process that through your prayers. You can process
Speaker 2: that through your breathing, you can process that through your journaling.
Speaker 2: Keep your eye focused on the vision for moving forward,
Speaker 2: and process your feelings as you go along. Yeah, this
Speaker 2: is so important. And extra strategy is your plan, and
Speaker 2: it's best that you set it up before you leave
Speaker 2: as you're in whatever relationship it is. Because our second
Speaker 2: caller wasn't leaving a marriage or a relationship. She was
Speaker 2: leaving a tendency, okay, but she was clear that how
Speaker 2: she showed up as a tenant wasn't authentic.
Speaker 1: So be authentic. Be authentic.
Speaker 2: If I had one other thing to say to our
Speaker 2: last caller, it would be well, I think I did say,
Speaker 2: she's got to have a conversation with him. With him,
Speaker 2: draw your line in the sand, and if they cross it,
Speaker 2: don't back up. Draw your line in the sand and
Speaker 2: have clear consequences about what happens if they cross that line.
Speaker 2: And here's the big thing. Whether it's a partner, a spouse,
Speaker 2: a family member, a job, a landlord, you don't have
Speaker 2: to stop loving the person, but you do get to
Speaker 2: choose the level of access you give them. Say yes
Speaker 2: to the love, no to the access. Say yes to
Speaker 2: the love, but no, you can no longer access me
Speaker 2: or my life in that way. Exit strategies, they are important.
Speaker 2: We didn't get a lot of time to talk about
Speaker 2: your exit strategy from Bad Behave, But you can use
Speaker 2: any of these things that we've talked about to create yours.
Speaker 2: Have your exit strategy, have your little pool and your
Speaker 2: pennies over on the side. Check yourself out to make
Speaker 2: sure that all parts of you are in agreement and
Speaker 2: alignment with the exit. Okay, otherwise you'll be back and forth.
Speaker 1: And pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray.
Speaker 2: Breathe and pray, pray and breathe, breathe and pray, pray
Speaker 2: and breathe. That sometimes that's all you got to hang
Speaker 2: on too. I hope you've heard something today that will
Speaker 2: help you, support you, give you some guidelines and tips,
Speaker 2: open your eyes about the importance of an exit strategy.
Speaker 2: I'll see you next time. Until then, stay in peace
Speaker 2: and not in pieces. Bye. Ther Spot is a production
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Speaker 2: shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 2: you listen to your favorite show.