WEBVTT - How To Make Your Exit Plan Pt. 2 0:00:02.440 --> 0:00:03.320 I am Yamla. 0:00:03.800 --> 0:00:06.440 I've been very open about the fact that I was 0:00:06.600 --> 0:00:10.440 not always good at making my relationships pork. I have 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.640 been divorced three times, twice from the same person. 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:15.800 In other words, I have seen a. 0:00:15.720 --> 0:00:20.360 Lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 0:00:20.400 --> 0:00:23.760 am here to share with you what I learned along 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:27.760 the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:31.960 the Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:49.159 with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the Our Spot, the 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:52.960 place we come to talk about relationships, all kinds of 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:58.600 relationships and what happens in them and where we fall off, 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:01.240 where we need to get on, where we need to 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:04.480 get off, And that's our topic today, getting off or 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:08.039 getting out, in other words, an exit strategy. Now, we 0:01:08.120 --> 0:01:11.760 started this conversation last week with my two co hosts, 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:15.720 Sierra and Isis. Sierra had to leave us, but Isis 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:18.959 is still with us and we're going to continue talking 0:01:19.000 --> 0:01:22.679 about an exit strategy. So let me be real clear 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:26.520 what an exit strategy is. It's your plan to be out, 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:29.080 it's your plan to be gone, it's your plan to leave. 0:01:29.959 --> 0:01:33.440 And a good exit strategy means you have to plan 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:38.560 something when possible, because, as Isis has shared and as 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:41.600 I have shared, sometimes you don't get the opportunity to plan, 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:45.399 You don't get the opportunity to communicate your intentions. You 0:01:45.600 --> 0:01:49.120 just got to be gone. So but a good exit plan, 0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:52.440 if you have time to plan your strategy and where 0:01:52.440 --> 0:01:56.280 you're going, begins with the vision where you see yourself going, 0:01:56.680 --> 0:02:00.400 and then taking into account where you are with your self, 0:02:00.440 --> 0:02:07.280 within yourself, taking into account your resources and your support system. 0:02:07.960 --> 0:02:10.240 You got to be clear about why you're leaving. If 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:13.240 you're not clear about why you're leaving, whatever it is, 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:17.360 the job, the marriage, the tendency, If you're not clear, 0:02:17.480 --> 0:02:20.280 chances are you can be sucked in talked in to 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:24.160 coming back. You also have to have a clear vision 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:28.960 about where you are going, not just physically, but where 0:02:29.000 --> 0:02:34.480 you're going mentally, where you're going emotionally, Where you're going physically, 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:37.560 Did I say that where you're going physically, where you're 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:41.720 going emotionally, and where you're going mentally. Those are things 0:02:41.720 --> 0:02:45.120 that you can do for you within you. You've got 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:49.160 to be clear. My guests have spoken about wanting to 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:53.120 be authentic, wanting to be free, wanting to pursue a 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:57.280 different way in life. That's important for you to understand 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:01.239 where you're going. The other thing is is about an 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:04.480 exit strategy. You've got to look at the hard facts. 0:03:04.919 --> 0:03:07.960 Do you have what it takes to maintain yourself? I 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:11.760 cannot tell you the number of people that stay in relationships, 0:03:11.760 --> 0:03:17.000 stay on jobs, stay in situationships and entanglements because they 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:21.040 simply don't have the means to take care of themselves. 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:23.400 So while they don't want to be where they are, 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:26.760 they're dependent upon the person. You got to clean that up. 0:03:27.520 --> 0:03:29.840 So you may have a vision of leaving. It may 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:33.200 take you an actual year or more to get out, 0:03:34.040 --> 0:03:38.480 but that speaks to always being able to stand on 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:42.040 your own two feet. And I know they are housewives 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:46.040 or husband house husbands, they're stay at home moms. They're 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:49.560 all kinds of situations where we haven't been able to 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:53.520 gather our resources or hold on to them. But that 0:03:53.640 --> 0:03:57.400 doesn't mean you can't have an exit strategy. So we're 0:03:57.400 --> 0:04:02.080 going to continue that conversation today. Miss Isis, my co host, 0:04:02.200 --> 0:04:04.720 is still with me, and we've got guests and we're 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:07.920 going to talk to them, and we encourage you to 0:04:08.000 --> 0:04:11.080 take notes because you never know when you are going 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:15.000 to need an exit strategy. Let me see what my 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:24.440 next guest has to say about an exit strategy. Greetings, 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:26.640 we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. Thank 0:04:26.680 --> 0:04:30.320 you for your patience. We're talking about exit strategies today. 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:32.599 Now do you have one or do you need one? 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:39.960 Well? I left, so physically physically I'm fine, but emotionally 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:44.360 I need an exit strategy. This was a twenty five 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:51.560 year marriage and we are so entangled. It's like, you know, 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:54.240 I physically left, but I'm still there. 0:04:56.760 --> 0:05:00.520 Wow, that is such a good point. You need a 0:05:00.680 --> 0:05:05.360 physical exit strategy, you need a mental exit strategy, and 0:05:05.440 --> 0:05:09.039 you need an emotional exit strategy. So when you say 0:05:09.080 --> 0:05:11.760 you're still there, tell me more. 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:12.760 What does that mean? 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.280 So I still need him to pick the kids up. 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:19.360 You know, our budgets and now I have another household, 0:05:19.960 --> 0:05:23.119 so you know, I need him to help me still 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:26.960 feed the kids and help me still run them the sports, 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:30.840 and you know, and then mentally he was even though 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:33.600 it was rough, he was, you know, my best friend, 0:05:33.640 --> 0:05:36.240 and we depended on each other. So we don't have 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:39.960 these outer networks. So even when stuff happens, I think 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:43.640 about him first, to talk to so we just so 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:48.280 entwined with each other, but the relationship isn't there. 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:54.760 Well why did you leave? Why did you. 0:05:55.160 --> 0:06:02.839 Couldn't breathe infidelity through a lot of emotional stress and 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:06.680 just a lot of just a lot of stuff, you know, 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.920 And I finally and I had checked out a while ago. 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:12.200 He had checked out a while ago, but you know, 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:15.279 I didn't have the means to leave. Finally got a 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:19.160 better job, got a way to get out, and I left. 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:22.960 But he literally is there like every single day. 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:28.480 All right, So you didn't have an exit strategy. You 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:29.159 just left. 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:35.200 Yeah, Okay, that's didn't have a vision, Nope, didn't have 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:41.120 a plan. Okay, so now that you're gone, these are 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:43.960 the things that you have to work on, a vision 0:06:44.680 --> 0:06:48.840 and a plan for the new normal, because this is 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:54.760 a new normal, right. You know he's not in the house, 0:06:54.839 --> 0:07:00.200 but you're still depending on him. Right, So what is 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:03.880 the what is the emotional tie? Because these things that 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:09.120 you're talking about are not necessarily emotional. What's your emotional tie? 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:13.600 I feel bad for him? 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:14.680 You do? 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:18.440 I do? I? You know, I will push him away 0:07:18.520 --> 0:07:20.440 and just be like, okay, this is my space. You 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:22.480 gotta go home. You got to give us the space. 0:07:22.560 --> 0:07:26.080 And you know, I feel bad because he's got to 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:29.520 go back to that house all by himself, and you know, 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:34.000 he's sorry, and I can't. You know, he says, oh, 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:37.240 you should forgive me. You know, you stayed through all 0:07:37.320 --> 0:07:41.280 this infidelity. Why this time? You know? And I don't know. 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:44.640 I just start questioning myself, in doubting myself, like, well, 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:48.000 you know maybe, and then the face. I didn't grow 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:50.720 up with my dad, So that's another That's why I 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:53.360 really stay so long. It's because I wanted my kids 0:07:53.400 --> 0:07:56.720 to have that too parent facade. Noah, No, that wasn't real. 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:03.080 But you know, I just I stayed and now I 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:07.600 feel like I'm gone, but he can't. He still needs us, 0:08:07.960 --> 0:08:11.000 you know, and he reminds me of that every single day. 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:13.679 I need my family. I need y'all. I need y'all. 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:15.760 But it truly is draining me. 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:21.320 It's abusive. Hi, how were you? Thank you for sharing? 0:08:21.400 --> 0:08:26.280 This is isis? That's abusive. What he's doing. That's a 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:32.120 manipulation at its best. I was married fifteen years. My 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:36.080 husband was diagnosed as a narcissist. I had no idea 0:08:36.120 --> 0:08:41.319 what it was. He manipulated me, He made me feel 0:08:41.320 --> 0:08:44.440 the same as what you're saying. We didn't have any 0:08:44.520 --> 0:08:48.920 kids together, but we got married. My youngest was two 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:54.920 and a half turning three, and he's disabled, so we 0:08:54.920 --> 0:09:00.760 were very entwined for a long time, even after I left. 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:07.520 But it's just manipulation, you know, the right thing to do. 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:13.160 Your perception is not wrong. He's gaslighting you. That's what 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:17.760 I dealt with, and I'm praying for you to be 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:18.520 honest with you. 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:19.080 So we are. 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:25.080 It's hard, it's real hard, and they make you feel 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:28.960 like you the bad guy. He's at that house by 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:32.880 himself because he deserves to be at that house by himself, 0:09:33.160 --> 0:09:37.839 because the way he's treated you. I had to learn 0:09:37.920 --> 0:09:42.600 to put myself first. I had to learn it, and 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:44.040 it's the best thing. 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:46.360 I have done, Beloved. 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:50.120 I want to know what do you hear Isa saying 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:53.560 to you now the words that she spoke. I want 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:57.959 to hear what you hear her say that you matter? 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:01.000 Mm hmmm? 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:06.679 Who matters me? Okay? So own it? 0:10:07.200 --> 0:10:10.360 I matter? I matter? 0:10:12.400 --> 0:10:12.640 Yeah? 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:16.559 And what else? What else do you hear her saying 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:16.760 to you? 0:10:18.080 --> 0:10:20.360 It's not my fault. 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:21.760 In that. 0:10:22.360 --> 0:10:23.679 What's not your fault? 0:10:24.160 --> 0:10:25.319 Helm not being alone? 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:28.040 Mm? 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:32.199 Hmm. And that he can make it, he can make 0:10:32.240 --> 0:10:36.360 it on his own. That he's deceiving me by making 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:39.400 me think that he can't make it without us. 0:10:42.120 --> 0:10:44.720 Well, I find it interesting that you've made what you 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:49.400 heard from her, which was directed toward you, You've made 0:10:49.440 --> 0:10:53.600 it about him. Are you aware of that he can 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:54.120 make it? 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:55.920 Okay? 0:10:55.960 --> 0:11:00.960 Well, okay, so see this is this is really speaks 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:04.960 to the importance of an exit strategy, and I think 0:11:04.960 --> 0:11:09.160 it was isis earlier on set, work on you, work 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:13.520 on you, because the exit strategy is just it's not 0:11:13.640 --> 0:11:17.080 just about getting out or leaving. It's about how do 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:20.360 you navigate the new place and how do you stay gone? 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:26.640 You have never left. You're still there because you didn't 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:29.880 have a vision, you didn't have a plan, you didn't 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:32.320 have a strategy. You got the money to get your 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:35.079 own place, and your left, didn't You know how old 0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:35.840 are your children? 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:40.319 Nineteen, fifteen and four. 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:45.760 Okay, so the nineteen and the fifteen they can get 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:46.680 them their own set. 0:11:46.720 --> 0:11:48.280 Where do you live? You live in the city, you 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.440 live in a country in the bush? Where do you live? 0:11:50.720 --> 0:11:52.800 I live in the suburbs New York? 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:59.040 Okay, okay, so can the children the nineteen and the 0:11:59.080 --> 0:12:02.480 fifteen year old. Can they get to where they need 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:13.600 to be without him having to come get them? 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:17.360 Maybe? I mean, well, here's the thing that I say, 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:20.199 maybe because the fifteen year old maybe not so much, 0:12:20.720 --> 0:12:23.840 you know, because she does she's the baby fifteen, she's 0:12:24.440 --> 0:12:27.640 my nineteen year old. I've talked to it. I've talked 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:29.760 to him and I told him, I said, I need 0:12:29.800 --> 0:12:32.680 you to stop up. You can take my car, you 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.280 can get word navigate. I'm at work all day. You 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:38.679 can use my car. But his father comes and he 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:41.760 takes over. No, you don't need to let her have 0:12:41.800 --> 0:12:45.360 her car. I'll drive you like he just is just 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:49.440 always on us. Every time I make a plan, he 0:12:49.640 --> 0:12:51.040 comes and changes it. 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:54.760 Again. You're making it about him. 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.040 Here's what I want you to own this, if you 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:01.080 can see, if you can own this all right, I 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:05.600 am a single mother. I am a mother raising three 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:07.200 kids alone. Can you own that? 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:09.040 Yes? 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:12.920 Let me hear it. I don't. I don't hear it. 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:17.240 I'm not hearing ownership here. I am a mother. 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:22.240 Yeah, I am a single mother raising three kids alone. 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:26.559 Okay, so now you are a single mother raising three 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:29.560 kids alone? Who and you work and the children have 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.880 to get to certain places. How do you navigate that 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:35.679 as a single mom? Just let's just take him out 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:40.800 the picture. He moved to Vietnam. 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:48.080 He's in Vietnam. Isis? That has meaning? Isis? 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:52.920 And the listeners? Okay, so here he's gone. Let's say 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.360 he's gone. What do you what do you do tomorrow 0:13:56.960 --> 0:14:00.480 with these three kids? And he's gone? Because see you're 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:06.679 speaking betrays you. You're speaking betrays you. You made a 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:11.599 choice to move out, but you're never left, right, you 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:14.920 never left because had you left, you would have had 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:18.679 a plan as a single mom for what to do 0:14:18.720 --> 0:14:21.400 with your kids, with your children? 0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:23.280 What the hell? 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:24.640 Right? 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:26.480 Who did you think was going to pick him up? 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:27.560 If you didn't have a plan. 0:14:30.080 --> 0:14:32.240 I thought, honestly, I thought that he was going to 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:34.120 be able to come to that front door. I would 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:36.040 push them out and go they go? 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:42.040 Why are you depending upon the man that you left? 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:45.720 Hello? Help me, I'm old? 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:49.320 No, Why are you well? 0:14:50.120 --> 0:14:53.880 Why have you Why have you built a plan and 0:14:53.960 --> 0:15:00.760 a strategy on a man that you left. What are 0:15:00.760 --> 0:15:04.400 the boundaries that you've created? What are the responsibilities of 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:07.840 co parenting? Because this could look very different. Okay, you 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:09.920 have him, this week, I have him next week, when 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:12.320 you have him, don't come to my house when I 0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:15.280 have him. When you have them, I won't come to 0:15:15.320 --> 0:15:18.520 your house when I have them. You don't come to mind. 0:15:18.680 --> 0:15:21.120 You're a single mom raising three kids. You need a 0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:21.960 whole new approach. 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:23.920 Right, you left him. 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:27.440 But then you depend upon him. What the hell right 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.000 you're speaking betrays you have not left this marriage. You're 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:31.800 punishing him. 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:32.640 For what he did to you. 0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:34.120 That's what it sounds like. 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:37.920 That's what it is. 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:42.600 Because a boundary needs to be aligned, needs to You understand, 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:44.600 when I left him, he didn't know where I was at. 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:47.560 I messed up by giving him the address of the 0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:50.640 home I was buying. He popped up after I moved in, 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:53.600 and I told him, you ever come back, You're gonna 0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.880 You're gonna have problems. But you got it because he's 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:02.640 now welcome. This is my privacy, this is my home. Goodbye. 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:05.560 So how do I use that now? 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:08.400 Because I feel like i'm you know, I have let 0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:11.280 this go for five months. Now, how do I stand 0:16:11.360 --> 0:16:13.960 up and say, Okay, I can own this. I can 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:16.680 own the fact that I'm a single Mohammed, He's in 0:16:16.760 --> 0:16:19.760 three kids, and I need you to stay where you are. 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:28.600 Well, she's got there has to be communication because they 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:32.160 are children involved. Oh true, But what you're shifting out of, 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:38.320 what you're shifting out of is a joint dwelling where 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:41.200 you and him live together. And now you're in a 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:46.160 cold parenting situation. And sure, the children want to be 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:49.800 with him. He wants to be with the children, but 0:16:50.120 --> 0:16:54.120 you've created a situation that's unsustainable because you can't be 0:16:54.200 --> 0:16:57.960 a single mom with three children totally dependent on your 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:03.040 ex husband or your husband your husband, totally dependent on 0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:05.479 your husband to help you with the children. 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:06.680 The first thing you. 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:08.480 Doesn't want to be with the children. He wants to 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:10.600 be with me. He could care less about them. 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:16.359 Well huh, okay, well there you go. Good piece of 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:19.640 information to have. But see, he's going to do that 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:23.600 until you get clear. I didn't move out, I'm leaving 0:17:23.680 --> 0:17:25.359 the marriage. 0:17:25.560 --> 0:17:27.960 You just moved out. You're still in the marriage. 0:17:28.320 --> 0:17:28.439 Right. 0:17:28.720 --> 0:17:30.520 Have you been to court to get your child supported 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:34.400 in your alimony? Have you filed for divorce? What's really 0:17:34.440 --> 0:17:35.120 going on here? 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:36.440 Well? 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:42.600 Hello, yeah, does he give you money? 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:44.800 Yeah? But it's a fight. 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:52.520 What's the fight? It's called c O U RT court fight. 0:17:53.359 --> 0:17:55.040 That's what it's called. 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:59.720 Yeah, it's always my bill. What I gotta do. So 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.320 that I did, just have a conversation with him and 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.240 tell him, like, look, if you don't do it, get 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:08.840 this is some out. I need to take care of 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:10.879 your kids monthly. I am going to take you for 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:12.080 child support. 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:14.399 Okay. 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:16.920 Is this the first time you all have separated? 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:19.800 No, so you moved out. 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:24.720 Before or he moved out before I did. Okay, so 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:30.679 he thinks you're joking. He thinks you're joking. He's going 0:18:30.760 --> 0:18:32.480 to do what he did to get you to come back. 0:18:32.800 --> 0:18:34.400 Are you going back to this marriage? 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:34.840 No? 0:18:36.680 --> 0:18:37.520 Absolutely not. 0:18:37.880 --> 0:18:40.639 Why why aren't you going? Why aren't you going back? 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:44.840 The means that I am right now. It just I 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:48.040 want to do things that he doesn't see, you know. 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:51.080 I want to do grown woman things. I want to travel, 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:54.119 I want to invest. I want to pursue my passions, 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:58.200 write my book, tell my stories. Hopefully let my scars 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:01.879 encourage other people. Like I have a whole destiny on 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:04.400 my life that I can't do because I'm at home 0:19:04.440 --> 0:19:08.600 being broadbeatd you know, being made to felt like everything 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:12.080 is about him. So I just I need to be 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:15.240 free to do what I gotta do I feel like 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:19.879 pulling me out and I just for some reason, my 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:20.720 feet are stuck. 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:27.720 No, you don't be good the question, well, okay, I 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:29.000 think you're doing good. 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:33.440 Already more work to do, she has more work to do, 0:19:33.520 --> 0:19:37.680 but she's already made. But she she's shivering and she weary, 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:40.840 but she she took a step out there. So that's 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:43.480 a good first step of it. But now you need 0:19:43.560 --> 0:19:45.720 to start making a list what you need to do, 0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:49.400 making yourself strong, reminding yourself. This is all for your 0:19:49.440 --> 0:19:52.280 freedom to get to what you want out of life, 0:19:52.359 --> 0:19:55.280 your goals, and this is only a hurdle. You need 0:19:55.320 --> 0:19:59.399 to just overcome and go get that PaperWorks, Go do that. 0:19:59.560 --> 0:19:59.760 Child. 0:20:01.760 --> 0:20:05.520 We've got lots more to talk about in terms of 0:20:05.720 --> 0:20:08.320 leaving but not being gone, and we're going to do 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:22.040 that when we come back. Welcome back to the art spy. 0:20:22.560 --> 0:20:27.680 I'm hearing some things in my caller, and it seems 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:30.960 to me that she left, but she's not really gone, 0:20:31.040 --> 0:20:34.760 So I want to explore that a little bit. The 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:37.000 first thing she has to do is stand up in 0:20:37.040 --> 0:20:40.119 her choice, and I'm not clear what the choice is. 0:20:41.240 --> 0:20:44.119 Do you want to be out of this marriage? Do 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:46.600 you want to be divorced. Or do you want him 0:20:46.640 --> 0:20:48.720 to just come to his senses and be a better 0:20:48.760 --> 0:20:51.679 man so that you'all can continue in your life together. 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:59.199 What is your true desire? Okay, so you're complete with 0:20:59.280 --> 0:20:59.960 the marriage. 0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:02.160 I'm complete with the marriage. 0:21:03.359 --> 0:21:06.000 Okay? Are you complete with him? 0:21:06.720 --> 0:21:09.520 I would like us to be friends. 0:21:10.760 --> 0:21:13.520 Here's the question that would be the answer had the 0:21:13.600 --> 0:21:15.680 question been do you want to be friend with him? 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:21.240 Here's the question. Are you complete with him? Are you 0:21:21.280 --> 0:21:22.280 complete with him? 0:21:22.520 --> 0:21:23.360 What does that mean? 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:29.440 That means can you see your life? Can you see 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:33.000 your life one year, three years, five years, ten years 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:36.360 down the road with him playing absolutely no part in 0:21:36.440 --> 0:21:39.240 your life but co parenting and being a part of 0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:40.160 your children's lives. 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:40.840 Can you see that? 0:21:41.320 --> 0:21:41.600 Yes? 0:21:42.960 --> 0:21:43.800 Yes, Okay. 0:21:44.080 --> 0:21:46.359 Now I want you to check between I want you 0:21:46.440 --> 0:21:48.240 to check between your big toe and. 0:21:48.200 --> 0:21:49.040 Your second toe. 0:21:49.200 --> 0:21:51.520 I want you to think about that place and find 0:21:51.560 --> 0:21:54.639 out if there's a woman down in between your toes 0:21:54.680 --> 0:21:55.560 that still. 0:21:55.440 --> 0:21:57.760 Wants to give him a little bit every now and then. 0:21:57.960 --> 0:21:59.800 Is she down in the toe? 0:22:00.160 --> 0:22:00.240 No? 0:22:02.480 --> 0:22:04.760 Okay? Check under your left breast. 0:22:05.640 --> 0:22:08.800 Is there a woman up under your left breast that 0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:13.520 could still be talked into, manipulated, guided in the moment 0:22:13.560 --> 0:22:15.480 of weakness to give him some Is. 0:22:15.440 --> 0:22:16.080 She under there? 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:19.920 No, okay, check your ear load, check your right ear load. 0:22:20.600 --> 0:22:23.680 Check and see in your right ear load there's anybody 0:22:23.760 --> 0:22:28.560 in there that looks at him with a longing eye. No, okay, 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:32.160 all right, Because as long as there's a part of 0:22:32.240 --> 0:22:37.239 you that wants him, and I hear you saying that, 0:22:37.480 --> 0:22:40.880 I hear you saying that. But as long as there 0:22:40.960 --> 0:22:44.199 is a part of you that wants him and you 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:45.200 don't get her. 0:22:45.480 --> 0:22:47.879 In check, you in trouble. 0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:51.080 So you check under the left breast, the right breast, 0:22:51.280 --> 0:22:54.240 You check all your puper cares, You check your armpit, 0:22:54.480 --> 0:22:58.080 check behind your ear and make sure that there's no 0:22:58.400 --> 0:23:01.320 part of you that's still wants him. And should you 0:23:01.600 --> 0:23:04.960 find a part of him that says, if only he could, 0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:08.520 and maybe he will. If you're finding that part of her, 0:23:08.640 --> 0:23:10.840 I want you to take her, that part of you, 0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:14.680 put her in the closet in the dark with two 0:23:14.760 --> 0:23:17.040 knit needles, and tell her to knit you a sweater 0:23:17.080 --> 0:23:20.400 in the dark, because as long as she's there, you're 0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:21.720 gonna play these games. 0:23:21.880 --> 0:23:22.639 This is a game. 0:23:23.200 --> 0:23:29.360 Yeah, you are now a single mother with three children. 0:23:29.680 --> 0:23:30.520 I wrote it down. 0:23:30.640 --> 0:23:31.840 How do you plan. 0:23:32.760 --> 0:23:37.960 How do you plan to transport your children around without 0:23:38.119 --> 0:23:42.800 employing the services of your whatsman? How do you do that? 0:23:43.680 --> 0:23:46.600