1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,320 Speaker 1: I am Yamla. 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,440 Speaker 2: I've been very open about the fact that I was 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:10,440 Speaker 2: not always good at making my relationships pork. I have 4 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 2: been divorced three times, twice from the same person. 5 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,800 Speaker 1: In other words, I have seen a. 6 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 2: Lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 7 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,760 Speaker 2: am here to share with you what I learned along 8 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 2: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 9 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 2: the Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership 10 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:49,159 Speaker 2: with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the Our Spot, the 11 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 2: place we come to talk about relationships, all kinds of 12 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:58,600 Speaker 2: relationships and what happens in them and where we fall off, 13 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,240 Speaker 2: where we need to get on, where we need to 14 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 2: get off, And that's our topic today, getting off or 15 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:08,039 Speaker 2: getting out, in other words, an exit strategy. Now, we 16 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,760 Speaker 2: started this conversation last week with my two co hosts, 17 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 2: Sierra and Isis. Sierra had to leave us, but Isis 18 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 2: is still with us and we're going to continue talking 19 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 2: about an exit strategy. So let me be real clear 20 00:01:23,319 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 2: what an exit strategy is. It's your plan to be out, 21 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 2: it's your plan to be gone, it's your plan to leave. 22 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 2: And a good exit strategy means you have to plan 23 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 2: something when possible, because, as Isis has shared and as 24 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 2: I have shared, sometimes you don't get the opportunity to plan, 25 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 2: You don't get the opportunity to communicate your intentions. You 26 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:49,120 Speaker 2: just got to be gone. So but a good exit plan, 27 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 2: if you have time to plan your strategy and where 28 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,280 Speaker 2: you're going, begins with the vision where you see yourself going, 29 00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 2: and then taking into account where you are with your self, 30 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 2: within yourself, taking into account your resources and your support system. 31 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,240 Speaker 2: You got to be clear about why you're leaving. If 32 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,240 Speaker 2: you're not clear about why you're leaving, whatever it is, 33 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,360 Speaker 2: the job, the marriage, the tendency, If you're not clear, 34 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,280 Speaker 2: chances are you can be sucked in talked in to 35 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 2: coming back. You also have to have a clear vision 36 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 2: about where you are going, not just physically, but where 37 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:34,480 Speaker 2: you're going mentally, where you're going emotionally, Where you're going physically, 38 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:37,560 Speaker 2: Did I say that where you're going physically, where you're 39 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,720 Speaker 2: going emotionally, and where you're going mentally. Those are things 40 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 2: that you can do for you within you. You've got 41 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:49,160 Speaker 2: to be clear. My guests have spoken about wanting to 42 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 2: be authentic, wanting to be free, wanting to pursue a 43 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 2: different way in life. That's important for you to understand 44 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,239 Speaker 2: where you're going. The other thing is is about an 45 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 2: exit strategy. You've got to look at the hard facts. 46 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,960 Speaker 2: Do you have what it takes to maintain yourself? I 47 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 2: cannot tell you the number of people that stay in relationships, 48 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:17,000 Speaker 2: stay on jobs, stay in situationships and entanglements because they 49 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:21,040 Speaker 2: simply don't have the means to take care of themselves. 50 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,400 Speaker 2: So while they don't want to be where they are, 51 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 2: they're dependent upon the person. You got to clean that up. 52 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,840 Speaker 2: So you may have a vision of leaving. It may 53 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 2: take you an actual year or more to get out, 54 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 2: but that speaks to always being able to stand on 55 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 2: your own two feet. And I know they are housewives 56 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 2: or husband house husbands, they're stay at home moms. They're 57 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 2: all kinds of situations where we haven't been able to 58 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,520 Speaker 2: gather our resources or hold on to them. But that 59 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,400 Speaker 2: doesn't mean you can't have an exit strategy. So we're 60 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:02,080 Speaker 2: going to continue that conversation today. Miss Isis, my co host, 61 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 2: is still with me, and we've got guests and we're 62 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 2: going to talk to them, and we encourage you to 63 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 2: take notes because you never know when you are going 64 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 2: to need an exit strategy. Let me see what my 65 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 2: next guest has to say about an exit strategy. Greetings, 66 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 2: we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. Thank 67 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 2: you for your patience. We're talking about exit strategies today. 68 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,599 Speaker 2: Now do you have one or do you need one? 69 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 3: Well? I left, so physically physically I'm fine, but emotionally 70 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,360 Speaker 3: I need an exit strategy. This was a twenty five 71 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:51,560 Speaker 3: year marriage and we are so entangled. It's like, you know, 72 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 3: I physically left, but I'm still there. 73 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 2: Wow, that is such a good point. You need a 74 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:05,360 Speaker 2: physical exit strategy, you need a mental exit strategy, and 75 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 2: you need an emotional exit strategy. So when you say 76 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 2: you're still there, tell me more. 77 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: What does that mean? 78 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,280 Speaker 3: So I still need him to pick the kids up. 79 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,360 Speaker 3: You know, our budgets and now I have another household, 80 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,119 Speaker 3: so you know, I need him to help me still 81 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 3: feed the kids and help me still run them the sports, 82 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,840 Speaker 3: and you know, and then mentally he was even though 83 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,600 Speaker 3: it was rough, he was, you know, my best friend, 84 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 3: and we depended on each other. So we don't have 85 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 3: these outer networks. So even when stuff happens, I think 86 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 3: about him first, to talk to so we just so 87 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:48,280 Speaker 3: entwined with each other, but the relationship isn't there. 88 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 1: Well why did you leave? Why did you. 89 00:05:55,160 --> 00:06:02,839 Speaker 3: Couldn't breathe infidelity through a lot of emotional stress and 90 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,680 Speaker 3: just a lot of just a lot of stuff, you know, 91 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,920 Speaker 3: And I finally and I had checked out a while ago. 92 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,200 Speaker 3: He had checked out a while ago, but you know, 93 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 3: I didn't have the means to leave. Finally got a 94 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:19,160 Speaker 3: better job, got a way to get out, and I left. 95 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 3: But he literally is there like every single day. 96 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,480 Speaker 1: All right, So you didn't have an exit strategy. You 97 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: just left. 98 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, that's didn't have a vision, Nope, didn't have 99 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 2: a plan. Okay, so now that you're gone, these are 100 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 2: the things that you have to work on, a vision 101 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,840 Speaker 2: and a plan for the new normal, because this is 102 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 2: a new normal, right. You know he's not in the house, 103 00:06:54,839 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 2: but you're still depending on him. Right, So what is 104 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 2: the what is the emotional tie? Because these things that 105 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:09,120 Speaker 2: you're talking about are not necessarily emotional. What's your emotional tie? 106 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 3: I feel bad for him? 107 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 1: You do? 108 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 3: I do? I? You know, I will push him away 109 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 3: and just be like, okay, this is my space. You 110 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 3: gotta go home. You got to give us the space. 111 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 3: And you know, I feel bad because he's got to 112 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 3: go back to that house all by himself, and you know, 113 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 3: he's sorry, and I can't. You know, he says, oh, 114 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 3: you should forgive me. You know, you stayed through all 115 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 3: this infidelity. Why this time? You know? And I don't know. 116 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 3: I just start questioning myself, in doubting myself, like, well, 117 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 3: you know maybe, and then the face. I didn't grow 118 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 3: up with my dad, So that's another That's why I 119 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 3: really stay so long. It's because I wanted my kids 120 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 3: to have that too parent facade. Noah, No, that wasn't real. 121 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:03,080 Speaker 3: But you know, I just I stayed and now I 122 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 3: feel like I'm gone, but he can't. He still needs us, 123 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 3: you know, and he reminds me of that every single day. 124 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,679 Speaker 3: I need my family. I need y'all. I need y'all. 125 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,760 Speaker 3: But it truly is draining me. 126 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:21,320 Speaker 4: It's abusive. Hi, how were you? Thank you for sharing? 127 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 4: This is isis? That's abusive. What he's doing. That's a 128 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 4: manipulation at its best. I was married fifteen years. My 129 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 4: husband was diagnosed as a narcissist. I had no idea 130 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:41,319 Speaker 4: what it was. He manipulated me, He made me feel 131 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,440 Speaker 4: the same as what you're saying. We didn't have any 132 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,920 Speaker 4: kids together, but we got married. My youngest was two 133 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 4: and a half turning three, and he's disabled, so we 134 00:08:54,920 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 4: were very entwined for a long time, even after I left. 135 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 4: But it's just manipulation, you know, the right thing to do. 136 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 4: Your perception is not wrong. He's gaslighting you. That's what 137 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 4: I dealt with, and I'm praying for you to be 138 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 4: honest with you. 139 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 3: So we are. 140 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 4: It's hard, it's real hard, and they make you feel 141 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,960 Speaker 4: like you the bad guy. He's at that house by 142 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 4: himself because he deserves to be at that house by himself, 143 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:37,839 Speaker 4: because the way he's treated you. I had to learn 144 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:42,600 Speaker 4: to put myself first. I had to learn it, and 145 00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 4: it's the best thing. 146 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: I have done, Beloved. 147 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 2: I want to know what do you hear Isa saying 148 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 2: to you now the words that she spoke. I want 149 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,959 Speaker 2: to hear what you hear her say that you matter? 150 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 2: Mm hmmm? 151 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:06,679 Speaker 1: Who matters me? Okay? So own it? 152 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 4: I matter? I matter? 153 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:12,640 Speaker 3: Yeah? 154 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,559 Speaker 1: And what else? What else do you hear her saying 155 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:16,760 Speaker 1: to you? 156 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,360 Speaker 3: It's not my fault. 157 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:21,760 Speaker 4: In that. 158 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 1: What's not your fault? 159 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,319 Speaker 3: Helm not being alone? 160 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: Mm? 161 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,199 Speaker 3: Hmm. And that he can make it, he can make 162 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 3: it on his own. That he's deceiving me by making 163 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 3: me think that he can't make it without us. 164 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,720 Speaker 2: Well, I find it interesting that you've made what you 165 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:49,400 Speaker 2: heard from her, which was directed toward you, You've made 166 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:53,600 Speaker 2: it about him. Are you aware of that he can 167 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 2: make it? 168 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: Okay? 169 00:10:55,960 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 2: Well, okay, so see this is this is really speaks 170 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,960 Speaker 2: to the importance of an exit strategy, and I think 171 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,160 Speaker 2: it was isis earlier on set, work on you, work 172 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 2: on you, because the exit strategy is just it's not 173 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,080 Speaker 2: just about getting out or leaving. It's about how do 174 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 2: you navigate the new place and how do you stay gone? 175 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 2: You have never left. You're still there because you didn't 176 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 2: have a vision, you didn't have a plan, you didn't 177 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 2: have a strategy. You got the money to get your 178 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,079 Speaker 2: own place, and your left, didn't You know how old 179 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 2: are your children? 180 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,319 Speaker 3: Nineteen, fifteen and four. 181 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 2: Okay, so the nineteen and the fifteen they can get 182 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 2: them their own set. 183 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 1: Where do you live? You live in the city, you 184 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: live in a country in the bush? Where do you live? 185 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 3: I live in the suburbs New York? 186 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 2: Okay, okay, so can the children the nineteen and the 187 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 2: fifteen year old. Can they get to where they need 188 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 2: to be without him having to come get them? 189 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:17,360 Speaker 3: Maybe? I mean, well, here's the thing that I say, 190 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,199 Speaker 3: maybe because the fifteen year old maybe not so much, 191 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 3: you know, because she does she's the baby fifteen, she's 192 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 3: my nineteen year old. I've talked to it. I've talked 193 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 3: to him and I told him, I said, I need 194 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 3: you to stop up. You can take my car, you 195 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 3: can get word navigate. I'm at work all day. You 196 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,679 Speaker 3: can use my car. But his father comes and he 197 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 3: takes over. No, you don't need to let her have 198 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 3: her car. I'll drive you like he just is just 199 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,440 Speaker 3: always on us. Every time I make a plan, he 200 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 3: comes and changes it. 201 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,760 Speaker 1: Again. You're making it about him. 202 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,040 Speaker 2: Here's what I want you to own this, if you 203 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 2: can see, if you can own this all right, I 204 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 2: am a single mother. I am a mother raising three 205 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:07,200 Speaker 2: kids alone. Can you own that? 206 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 3: Yes? 207 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 1: Let me hear it. I don't. I don't hear it. 208 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:17,240 Speaker 1: I'm not hearing ownership here. I am a mother. 209 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, I am a single mother raising three kids alone. 210 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,559 Speaker 2: Okay, so now you are a single mother raising three 211 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,560 Speaker 2: kids alone? Who and you work and the children have 212 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 2: to get to certain places. How do you navigate that 213 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 2: as a single mom? Just let's just take him out 214 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 2: the picture. He moved to Vietnam. 215 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:48,080 Speaker 1: He's in Vietnam. Isis? That has meaning? Isis? 216 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 2: And the listeners? Okay, so here he's gone. Let's say 217 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 2: he's gone. What do you what do you do tomorrow 218 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 2: with these three kids? And he's gone? Because see you're 219 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:06,679 Speaker 2: speaking betrays you. You're speaking betrays you. You made a 220 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:11,599 Speaker 2: choice to move out, but you're never left, right, you 221 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 2: never left because had you left, you would have had 222 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,679 Speaker 2: a plan as a single mom for what to do 223 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 2: with your kids, with your children? 224 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 1: What the hell? 225 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 4: Right? 226 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,480 Speaker 2: Who did you think was going to pick him up? 227 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:27,560 Speaker 2: If you didn't have a plan. 228 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 3: I thought, honestly, I thought that he was going to 229 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 3: be able to come to that front door. I would 230 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 3: push them out and go they go? 231 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 2: Why are you depending upon the man that you left? 232 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 1: Hello? Help me, I'm old? 233 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 4: No, Why are you well? 234 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,880 Speaker 2: Why have you Why have you built a plan and 235 00:14:53,960 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 2: a strategy on a man that you left. What are 236 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,400 Speaker 2: the boundaries that you've created? What are the responsibilities of 237 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 2: co parenting? Because this could look very different. Okay, you 238 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,920 Speaker 2: have him, this week, I have him next week, when 239 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 2: you have him, don't come to my house when I 240 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 2: have him. When you have them, I won't come to 241 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 2: your house when I have them. You don't come to mind. 242 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 2: You're a single mom raising three kids. You need a 243 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:21,960 Speaker 2: whole new approach. 244 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 3: Right, you left him. 245 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 2: But then you depend upon him. What the hell right 246 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 2: you're speaking betrays you have not left this marriage. You're 247 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,800 Speaker 2: punishing him. 248 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:32,640 Speaker 1: For what he did to you. 249 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,120 Speaker 4: That's what it sounds like. 250 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:37,920 Speaker 1: That's what it is. 251 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,600 Speaker 4: Because a boundary needs to be aligned, needs to You understand, 252 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 4: when I left him, he didn't know where I was at. 253 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 4: I messed up by giving him the address of the 254 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 4: home I was buying. He popped up after I moved in, 255 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,600 Speaker 4: and I told him, you ever come back, You're gonna 256 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 4: You're gonna have problems. But you got it because he's 257 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 4: now welcome. This is my privacy, this is my home. Goodbye. 258 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 4: So how do I use that now? 259 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 3: Because I feel like i'm you know, I have let 260 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 3: this go for five months. Now, how do I stand 261 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 3: up and say, Okay, I can own this. I can 262 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,680 Speaker 3: own the fact that I'm a single Mohammed, He's in 263 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 3: three kids, and I need you to stay where you are. 264 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,600 Speaker 2: Well, she's got there has to be communication because they 265 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,160 Speaker 2: are children involved. Oh true, But what you're shifting out of, 266 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 2: what you're shifting out of is a joint dwelling where 267 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 2: you and him live together. And now you're in a 268 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 2: cold parenting situation. And sure, the children want to be 269 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,800 Speaker 2: with him. He wants to be with the children, but 270 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:54,120 Speaker 2: you've created a situation that's unsustainable because you can't be 271 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 2: a single mom with three children totally dependent on your 272 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 2: ex husband or your husband your husband, totally dependent on 273 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,479 Speaker 2: your husband to help you with the children. 274 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,680 Speaker 1: The first thing you. 275 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,480 Speaker 3: Doesn't want to be with the children. He wants to 276 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 3: be with me. He could care less about them. 277 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 2: Well huh, okay, well there you go. Good piece of 278 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,640 Speaker 2: information to have. But see, he's going to do that 279 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,600 Speaker 2: until you get clear. I didn't move out, I'm leaving 280 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,359 Speaker 2: the marriage. 281 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 1: You just moved out. You're still in the marriage. 282 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:28,439 Speaker 3: Right. 283 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 2: Have you been to court to get your child supported 284 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 2: in your alimony? Have you filed for divorce? What's really 285 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,120 Speaker 2: going on here? 286 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:36,440 Speaker 1: Well? 287 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 2: Hello, yeah, does he give you money? 288 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 3: Yeah? But it's a fight. 289 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,520 Speaker 2: What's the fight? It's called c O U RT court fight. 290 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 2: That's what it's called. 291 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's always my bill. What I gotta do. So 292 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 3: that I did, just have a conversation with him and 293 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 3: tell him, like, look, if you don't do it, get 294 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,840 Speaker 3: this is some out. I need to take care of 295 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,879 Speaker 3: your kids monthly. I am going to take you for 296 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 3: child support. 297 00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 1: Okay. 298 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,920 Speaker 2: Is this the first time you all have separated? 299 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,800 Speaker 1: No, so you moved out. 300 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 2: Before or he moved out before I did. Okay, so 301 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:30,679 Speaker 2: he thinks you're joking. He thinks you're joking. He's going 302 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,480 Speaker 2: to do what he did to get you to come back. 303 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,400 Speaker 2: Are you going back to this marriage? 304 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:34,840 Speaker 4: No? 305 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:37,520 Speaker 3: Absolutely not. 306 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,639 Speaker 1: Why why aren't you going? Why aren't you going back? 307 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 3: The means that I am right now. It just I 308 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 3: want to do things that he doesn't see, you know. 309 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,080 Speaker 3: I want to do grown woman things. I want to travel, 310 00:18:51,119 --> 00:18:54,119 Speaker 3: I want to invest. I want to pursue my passions, 311 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,200 Speaker 3: write my book, tell my stories. Hopefully let my scars 312 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,879 Speaker 3: encourage other people. Like I have a whole destiny on 313 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,400 Speaker 3: my life that I can't do because I'm at home 314 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 3: being broadbeatd you know, being made to felt like everything 315 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 3: is about him. So I just I need to be 316 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 3: free to do what I gotta do I feel like 317 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,879 Speaker 3: pulling me out and I just for some reason, my 318 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:20,720 Speaker 3: feet are stuck. 319 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 2: No, you don't be good the question, well, okay, I 320 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 2: think you're doing good. 321 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 4: Already more work to do, she has more work to do, 322 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,680 Speaker 4: but she's already made. But she she's shivering and she weary, 323 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,840 Speaker 4: but she she took a step out there. So that's 324 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,480 Speaker 4: a good first step of it. But now you need 325 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,720 Speaker 4: to start making a list what you need to do, 326 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,400 Speaker 4: making yourself strong, reminding yourself. This is all for your 327 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,280 Speaker 4: freedom to get to what you want out of life, 328 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 4: your goals, and this is only a hurdle. You need 329 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:59,399 Speaker 4: to just overcome and go get that PaperWorks, Go do that. 330 00:19:59,560 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 1: Child. 331 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,520 Speaker 2: We've got lots more to talk about in terms of 332 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 2: leaving but not being gone, and we're going to do 333 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 2: that when we come back. Welcome back to the art spy. 334 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:27,680 Speaker 2: I'm hearing some things in my caller, and it seems 335 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 2: to me that she left, but she's not really gone, 336 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,760 Speaker 2: So I want to explore that a little bit. The 337 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,000 Speaker 2: first thing she has to do is stand up in 338 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:40,119 Speaker 2: her choice, and I'm not clear what the choice is. 339 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,119 Speaker 2: Do you want to be out of this marriage? Do 340 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 2: you want to be divorced. Or do you want him 341 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,720 Speaker 2: to just come to his senses and be a better 342 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,679 Speaker 2: man so that you'all can continue in your life together. 343 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:59,199 Speaker 2: What is your true desire? Okay, so you're complete with 344 00:20:59,280 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 2: the marriage. 345 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,160 Speaker 3: I'm complete with the marriage. 346 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:06,000 Speaker 1: Okay? Are you complete with him? 347 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,520 Speaker 3: I would like us to be friends. 348 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 2: Here's the question that would be the answer had the 349 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,680 Speaker 2: question been do you want to be friend with him? 350 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 2: Here's the question. Are you complete with him? Are you 351 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,280 Speaker 2: complete with him? 352 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,360 Speaker 3: What does that mean? 353 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,440 Speaker 2: That means can you see your life? Can you see 354 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:33,000 Speaker 2: your life one year, three years, five years, ten years 355 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,360 Speaker 2: down the road with him playing absolutely no part in 356 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 2: your life but co parenting and being a part of 357 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,160 Speaker 2: your children's lives. 358 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:40,840 Speaker 1: Can you see that? 359 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:41,600 Speaker 3: Yes? 360 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:43,800 Speaker 1: Yes, Okay. 361 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,359 Speaker 2: Now I want you to check between I want you 362 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,240 Speaker 2: to check between your big toe and. 363 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,040 Speaker 1: Your second toe. 364 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 2: I want you to think about that place and find 365 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,639 Speaker 2: out if there's a woman down in between your toes 366 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:55,560 Speaker 2: that still. 367 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,760 Speaker 1: Wants to give him a little bit every now and then. 368 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 1: Is she down in the toe? 369 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:00,240 Speaker 4: No? 370 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,760 Speaker 1: Okay? Check under your left breast. 371 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 2: Is there a woman up under your left breast that 372 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 2: could still be talked into, manipulated, guided in the moment 373 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,480 Speaker 2: of weakness to give him some Is. 374 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 1: She under there? 375 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,920 Speaker 2: No, okay, check your ear load, check your right ear load. 376 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,680 Speaker 2: Check and see in your right ear load there's anybody 377 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 2: in there that looks at him with a longing eye. No, okay, 378 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:32,160 Speaker 2: all right, Because as long as there's a part of 379 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:37,239 Speaker 2: you that wants him, and I hear you saying that, 380 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,880 Speaker 2: I hear you saying that. But as long as there 381 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,199 Speaker 2: is a part of you that wants him and you 382 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,200 Speaker 2: don't get her. 383 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,879 Speaker 1: In check, you in trouble. 384 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 2: So you check under the left breast, the right breast, 385 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,240 Speaker 2: You check all your puper cares, You check your armpit, 386 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 2: check behind your ear and make sure that there's no 387 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,320 Speaker 2: part of you that's still wants him. And should you 388 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,960 Speaker 2: find a part of him that says, if only he could, 389 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,520 Speaker 2: and maybe he will. If you're finding that part of her, 390 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: I want you to take her, that part of you, 391 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,680 Speaker 2: put her in the closet in the dark with two 392 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 2: knit needles, and tell her to knit you a sweater 393 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:20,400 Speaker 2: in the dark, because as long as she's there, you're 394 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,720 Speaker 2: gonna play these games. 395 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:22,639 Speaker 1: This is a game. 396 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:29,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, you are now a single mother with three children. 397 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:30,520 Speaker 3: I wrote it down. 398 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:31,840 Speaker 1: How do you plan. 399 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:37,960 Speaker 2: How do you plan to transport your children around without 400 00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:42,800 Speaker 2: employing the services of your whatsman? How do you do that? 401 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,600 Speaker 2: You got friends? Are their mothers in the school or 402 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,960 Speaker 2: their other parents in the block? First of all, I 403 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 2: want to know why you got a four year old? 404 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 2: What the hell is that? 405 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:55,280 Speaker 1: Fifteen and four? 406 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:58,720 Speaker 3: You know I didn't miss that. 407 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,280 Speaker 1: That didn't slide past me. 408 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,359 Speaker 3: Well, you know, I didn't really have the equipment to 409 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,480 Speaker 3: have her, So that is definitely she was a miracle. 410 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,639 Speaker 3: She was not supposed to happen. I don't even know 411 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,280 Speaker 3: my dad. A broken tube and a missing tube, there 412 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:17,000 Speaker 3: was supposed to be nothing getting through there. But she came, 413 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,920 Speaker 3: and she came. I found out I was pregnant right 414 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,639 Speaker 3: when I found out that he had been in a 415 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:28,440 Speaker 3: nine month relationship with another woman. And you know, being 416 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,439 Speaker 3: as ghost as I am, so I was like, what 417 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 3: I'm gonna do? You know, at this age, y'all. 418 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:33,439 Speaker 1: Just got to. 419 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,680 Speaker 2: Listen to me. I don't want you to talk about 420 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,879 Speaker 2: him no more. I don't care if he slept with 421 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,200 Speaker 2: the Queen of England naked on your living room floor, 422 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 2: because you're making yourself a. 423 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: Victim, not a victim. 424 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,399 Speaker 4: How long were you married twenty five years. 425 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: Oops, didn't work. Here we go. That's it. 426 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 2: Stop telling the just stuck in the story. Yeah, and 427 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 2: that's the part of you that will still warn him. 428 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,639 Speaker 2: If only he would maybe he means it this time, 429 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,520 Speaker 2: Maybe he's maybe we can. I'm telling you, check your 430 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,920 Speaker 2: right breast. She's in there. Somebody's in there. She's gonna 431 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:21,919 Speaker 2: get you. Every woman needs a posse. You need a posse. 432 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 3: Baby. 433 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:24,879 Speaker 1: You don't have a posse. 434 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,720 Speaker 2: You know that that that group of women that the 435 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 2: rideing die with you. 436 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,920 Speaker 1: You don't have a posse. That's a problem. 437 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,080 Speaker 2: So here we are, single mom with three kids and 438 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:38,480 Speaker 2: a manipulating husband. 439 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:40,000 Speaker 1: What you're gonna do? 440 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:45,760 Speaker 2: What's your ex what is your exit strategy? 441 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,520 Speaker 3: I need that nineteen year old just to really step 442 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 3: up and just own the plan, because if he can 443 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:57,199 Speaker 3: do the driving and the transporting, you know, then not 444 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,120 Speaker 3: that would help. That would cut out a huge a dependency. 445 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 2: Well, you know, I'm old school. I'm old school. I'm 446 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:14,920 Speaker 2: old school. Forgive me, I'm old school. I hear what 447 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 2: you're saying. But he's nineteen. 448 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 1: Is he going to college? 449 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,520 Speaker 3: Yes, but he's not doing nothing for the summer but working. 450 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 2: Okay, but you got to live beyond the summer, my love, 451 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,600 Speaker 2: What are you going to do in September? 452 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:30,920 Speaker 1: If he goes to college? 453 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,359 Speaker 4: I got him my. 454 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 2: Way to college. 455 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,600 Speaker 3: No, he's gonna be home. 456 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:41,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, see I just I just helped me. 457 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:46,840 Speaker 2: Isis because I you're asking him to do something that 458 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,320 Speaker 2: you can't do. You're asking your nineteen year old to 459 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 2: do something for you that you didn't plan for. That's 460 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:59,600 Speaker 2: not his life, that's your life. That's a I know, 461 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:03,040 Speaker 2: I I know I'm being hard on your mama, I know, 462 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:05,560 Speaker 2: but I call for help. 463 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: It's necessary. 464 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,920 Speaker 4: He is nineteen. So I have a twenty year old 465 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,760 Speaker 4: and a twenty five year old and he is nineteen. 466 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:20,639 Speaker 4: Now he does live with you, correct, yes, and he 467 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:27,200 Speaker 4: lives rent free yes okay, and so food free. 468 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:32,040 Speaker 3: Light free, anything you need free. 469 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,160 Speaker 1: But he's going to school. Make him. 470 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:40,160 Speaker 2: Make him get a job after school or during school 471 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,040 Speaker 2: or work study or whatever. So he has his little 472 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,120 Speaker 2: money that you don't have to give him. 473 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,240 Speaker 3: Let him put Okay, still have his money, but he 474 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,080 Speaker 3: doesn't manage his money well. So I'm always feeling in 475 00:27:52,119 --> 00:27:52,520 Speaker 3: the gap. 476 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 2: About well, that's a problem. He's nineteen. If he got 477 00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,359 Speaker 2: to walk because he's spending his money. If his phone 478 00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:01,760 Speaker 2: go off because he pay it. Come on, Mama, you 479 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 2: got to step up. I'm you're right, you're right. 480 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:15,000 Speaker 4: But I'm very dependent on you. He's very dependent on 481 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:18,920 Speaker 4: you as well, right, yeah, yeah, okay, they all are 482 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:23,320 Speaker 4: all three other woman three you're superwoman. Uh huh, you're 483 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:30,399 Speaker 4: a superwoman. This is a hard one because if my 484 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,840 Speaker 4: daughter when she was here, she would help me out 485 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:38,040 Speaker 4: with some stuff. But she was driving a car without 486 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 4: having to pay for it and stuff, and I was 487 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 4: doing the insurance and everything. So I helped her out. 488 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:48,840 Speaker 4: She was an adult, she paid her way through college. 489 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,160 Speaker 4: Now you know, she's moved on with her life. So 490 00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,320 Speaker 4: she does help me with her brother, even though now 491 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 4: he's an adult, like she's in Little Rock. I send him. 492 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 4: He'll spend like a week with her to give me 493 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:06,920 Speaker 4: a break. So it's kind of hard with that. It's 494 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:11,400 Speaker 4: really hard to say. But with him being still dependent 495 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 4: on you, you probably do need to talk to him more 496 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 4: about being a big brother and setting the example and 497 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:23,080 Speaker 4: see what he's willing to do in support of the family. 498 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:25,880 Speaker 4: You get what I mean like that, So then it's 499 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,000 Speaker 4: not like you're putting an ask on him. But I 500 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:33,240 Speaker 4: do believe that it's ultimately your responsibility to set something 501 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 4: up on the transportation with the kids. Maybe you can 502 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 4: try to hire somebody to do that, someone who just 503 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:47,200 Speaker 4: does the right because I actually did that for my 504 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:51,840 Speaker 4: two oldest nieces a long, long time ago. I used 505 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,680 Speaker 4: to pick both of them up from both of their 506 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 4: schools and you know, bring them to my mother's house 507 00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,240 Speaker 4: and take mothers to my niece, to my sisters. They 508 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,360 Speaker 4: pay me to do it, so it wasn't a lot 509 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 4: of money. It was just like the gas, but it 510 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 4: was just the fact that, you know, I was able 511 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:09,880 Speaker 4: to get them and spend time. But I didn't mind 512 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 4: doing it because my daughter was very young and I 513 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,720 Speaker 4: wasn't working full time. So you could find a mom 514 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,920 Speaker 4: that you could hire to support you. 515 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 2: Possibly, I've got a list. I've got a list. I'm 516 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,040 Speaker 2: listening to you talking. I've got a list. First of all, 517 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 2: once you make up your mind that you're complete, that 518 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:36,600 Speaker 2: you're leaving, be willing to ask for help. Be willing 519 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:40,800 Speaker 2: to ask for help, because sometimes when we are exiting, 520 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 2: our pride gets in the way and we try to 521 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 2: do everything. We don't want anybody to know our business. No, no, 522 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,440 Speaker 2: be willing to ask for help and then asking for help, 523 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 2: be sure to ask for what you need. Now, this 524 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:57,880 Speaker 2: is a very very important part I heard, miss isis 525 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:02,480 Speaker 2: say this, and it's educate the children. That means be sure, 526 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 2: if they're old enough, you be sure to tell them 527 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:10,440 Speaker 2: you know what information to give and what information not 528 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 2: to give. That's very very delicate because sometimes if they 529 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:19,280 Speaker 2: have a relationship with the parent, the other parent they 530 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:21,680 Speaker 2: you know, will just oh, well, we're living over at 531 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,960 Speaker 2: Aunt Tillies and we went to the pizza shop over 532 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:28,920 Speaker 2: on you know, West Blaine. So how you do that 533 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:33,760 Speaker 2: is very very delicate. I think throughout the process, particularly 534 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 2: if there are children involved, communication is key, and don't 535 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:44,000 Speaker 2: make the children responsible. You can almost make it fun. 536 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,440 Speaker 2: I learned with my kids that children will do anything 537 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:53,640 Speaker 2: for pizza. Anything you promise pizza, they will do anything. 538 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,400 Speaker 2: So you say, listen, me and daddy are not going 539 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,920 Speaker 2: to be living together. He's trying to find a way. 540 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 2: I'm trying to find a way. Or if you're a man, 541 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 2: you know me and mommy, or if it's the same section, 542 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 2: whatever your situation is, and tell the children, so listen 543 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,680 Speaker 2: right now, we're in transition. 544 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:11,880 Speaker 1: We're in a different way. 545 00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,600 Speaker 2: So we got to be careful about how we talk 546 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 2: about where we are. Things are going to settle down, 547 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:21,480 Speaker 2: things are going to be okay. But right now, let's 548 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:25,760 Speaker 2: not tell everybody that we're living over at aren't felicious. 549 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,560 Speaker 2: You know, find a way to talk to the children 550 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:32,840 Speaker 2: so that it doesn't frighten them. It gives them the 551 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:39,200 Speaker 2: necessary information and you know, it communicates to them what's 552 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:44,440 Speaker 2: going on. I want to I want to be sensitive 553 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:51,640 Speaker 2: and mindful of those situations where you are in danger. 554 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 2: Where you are in danger, whether it's physical violence or 555 00:32:57,280 --> 00:33:01,120 Speaker 2: sometimes even emotional violence, and you get to that moment 556 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:05,800 Speaker 2: when you have to exit, if you don't have a strategy, 557 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:12,120 Speaker 2: at the very least, find the nearest shelter, find the 558 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:19,600 Speaker 2: nearest women's center, find your nearest police station, find out 559 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 2: whose sofa you can be on for a week or 560 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:27,880 Speaker 2: two before you just jump up or say anything. If 561 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 2: you have the opportunity, at least put those pieces in 562 00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:38,240 Speaker 2: place so that you can be safe. Safety must be 563 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,280 Speaker 2: a part of your exit strategy. 564 00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: We'll be right back after this Welcome back. 565 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 2: We're talking about an exit strategy and what makes an 566 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:07,720 Speaker 2: exit strategy necessary. Well, sometimes the relationship has just broken down, 567 00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:13,040 Speaker 2: as they would say in the legal system, irreputable differences. 568 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:16,840 Speaker 2: They cannot be fixed, they will not be fixed. Sometimes 569 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:21,279 Speaker 2: you're just miserable, you're unhappy, they're unhappy. You've just got 570 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:26,520 Speaker 2: to get out. And sometimes it's just time. It's just time. 571 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:32,600 Speaker 2: You've grown apart, you're moving in different directions. Maybe who 572 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:34,880 Speaker 2: you are now is not who you were when you 573 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:38,200 Speaker 2: got together, and you want to spread your wings, you know, 574 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,399 Speaker 2: flap your wings, whatever you want to do with them. 575 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:50,319 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just time. Honor that intuitive thing. Honor that 576 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:54,359 Speaker 2: intuitive part of you that says, this is done, this 577 00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,960 Speaker 2: is over. And when you get that, don't try to 578 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:02,520 Speaker 2: make up reasons to stay. And yes, it will be difficult, 579 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:06,400 Speaker 2: it will be challenging. Don't get caught up in the story. 580 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,120 Speaker 2: Don't get caught up in the story. And here's a 581 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:13,279 Speaker 2: piece where people sometimes get stuck. What are they going 582 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,719 Speaker 2: to do without me? Or what am I going to 583 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 2: do without them? If you can avoid asking that question, 584 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:24,080 Speaker 2: avoid it at all costs. Exit strategy. Let's continue with 585 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:30,480 Speaker 2: the conversation. Yeah, here's the thing, here's the thing, and 586 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:33,560 Speaker 2: I have to advocate for the son because I can't 587 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,560 Speaker 2: speak for his dad. You know, he's in a critical 588 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:40,160 Speaker 2: place in his life. He's got all his puper cares now, 589 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:44,160 Speaker 2: he's got you know, miss the man and his two 590 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,839 Speaker 2: people down there. You know, does he have a girlfriend. 591 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 2: He's getting ready to go to college. He's going to 592 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:55,640 Speaker 2: have to deal with the stress of college. He's finding hisself. 593 00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:58,840 Speaker 2: The last thing he needs to do right now is 594 00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:01,640 Speaker 2: to become responsible for his mother. 595 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,399 Speaker 1: He don't need to do that now. 596 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,400 Speaker 2: I do believe that once he gets his college schedule, 597 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:11,000 Speaker 2: you can say, boo boo Tuesday and Thursday, I need 598 00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:14,799 Speaker 2: you to pick up your sister. Okay, because once he 599 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:20,160 Speaker 2: has midterms and research and maybe football or he got 600 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:25,200 Speaker 2: the little girlfriend he he this is his time. He 601 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:30,840 Speaker 2: didn't end his marriage. You did right, and you also 602 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,000 Speaker 2: want to give him to So make it two or 603 00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:35,560 Speaker 2: three days a week. Then if you have to hire somebody, 604 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,560 Speaker 2: it's only two days or three days. You know, to 605 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:42,880 Speaker 2: move the other kids around. Hundreds of thousands of women 606 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:47,040 Speaker 2: do this all the time. You have to figure this out. 607 00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:49,799 Speaker 2: And we're not asking you to be a superwoman. We're 608 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:53,719 Speaker 2: asking you to have a clear vision, a plan and boundaries. 609 00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:56,840 Speaker 2: Because you exited without a plan. See all of this 610 00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,480 Speaker 2: you should have did before you paid your security deposit 611 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:01,080 Speaker 2: on you apartment. 612 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:04,400 Speaker 1: And you didn't. 613 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:08,400 Speaker 2: Here we are what is your vision? What is your vision? 614 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 2: My vision is that me and my three children are 615 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,160 Speaker 2: going to live in this house. And again, is there 616 00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:17,239 Speaker 2: a possibility that they're with you a week and with. 617 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:17,920 Speaker 1: Him a week? 618 00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:19,000 Speaker 3: Right? 619 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:23,080 Speaker 2: Is that a possibility. Is it a possibility that maybe 620 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:25,759 Speaker 2: two days a week you can work from home so 621 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,759 Speaker 2: that you can go get the kids. Is that a possibility? 622 00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:31,600 Speaker 2: Have you asked for what you needed even in your 623 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:36,200 Speaker 2: work experience? Is that a possibility? So you got to 624 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:40,920 Speaker 2: open up, get out of the story. Oh he did 625 00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:43,200 Speaker 2: me wrong, he didn't me bad. I'm forced now to 626 00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:47,680 Speaker 2: live over here in the bushes with the squirrels. No, 627 00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:51,520 Speaker 2: what do you need? Make a list of what you need. 628 00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:54,360 Speaker 2: I need somebody to handle a four year old. I 629 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:56,680 Speaker 2: need somebody to get the fifteen year old here. I 630 00:37:56,719 --> 00:37:58,960 Speaker 2: need somebody to get the nineteen year old here. I 631 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:04,040 Speaker 2: need you know whatever, Make a list of what you need, 632 00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:09,439 Speaker 2: and your vision is to get it handled with Grayson ees? 633 00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:15,920 Speaker 2: So can the kids be with him a week? Or 634 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 2: can if the sun can do it? Two days of 635 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:24,040 Speaker 2: the week. He can arrange his college schedule that way, 636 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:27,359 Speaker 2: because you don't want him to become overwhelmed and drop 637 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:28,080 Speaker 2: out of school. 638 00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,719 Speaker 4: Yeah, No, I don't want that, right, Yeah. 639 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:38,880 Speaker 2: And this is really his time. He's nineteen, he's learning independence, interdependence, 640 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:45,000 Speaker 2: developing relationships. He's going into college. He's got to do 641 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,520 Speaker 2: his own study, his own research. He's got to move 642 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:51,239 Speaker 2: around classes, he's got to navigate that. And yes, he 643 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,680 Speaker 2: can pick his brother up or sister up or whatever 644 00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:58,960 Speaker 2: it is, two days a week. And then here's the 645 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:02,200 Speaker 2: big part. Clutch you girls. Clutch your pearls right now. 646 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:02,759 Speaker 1: Clutch them. 647 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:05,279 Speaker 2: You have to have a clear com You have to 648 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:09,200 Speaker 2: have a clear conversation with the woodsman. And the conversation 649 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:12,799 Speaker 2: is this is what I'm doing, This is what I'm 650 00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:16,480 Speaker 2: asking you to do, This is what I need, and 651 00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,600 Speaker 2: this is what I'm asking you for and we can 652 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:23,239 Speaker 2: do it privately, quietly among ourselves, or I can go 653 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:25,680 Speaker 2: to court. And no, I'm not coming back to you. 654 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:31,480 Speaker 2: I am complete. Put some base in your voice, grab 655 00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:35,000 Speaker 2: on to your lady balls and put that boy in 656 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:39,160 Speaker 2: this place. You got lady balls. Do you know where 657 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:40,160 Speaker 2: your lady balls are? 658 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:41,400 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. 659 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,680 Speaker 1: And your lady balls have to have more hair on 660 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:48,720 Speaker 1: him than his dogs. 661 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:56,280 Speaker 2: Hey man, you got some work to do, my beloved, 662 00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:59,880 Speaker 2: You've got some work to do. All of the things 663 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:03,399 Speaker 2: that we talked about. The first thing is get a 664 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:07,799 Speaker 2: vision for a year from now when me and miss 665 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:10,799 Speaker 2: Isis are gone on doing whatever we're doing. What do 666 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:14,560 Speaker 2: you want your life to look like? The next step? 667 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:21,560 Speaker 2: What do you need? What do you need the next step? 668 00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:26,680 Speaker 2: What resources do you have the next step? What role 669 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:30,160 Speaker 2: are you asking him to play? And then you create 670 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:34,799 Speaker 2: clear boundaries. You enjoy your line in the sand, you know. 671 00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:42,800 Speaker 2: And if it becomes a matter of you or him, 672 00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:46,040 Speaker 2: you know, the husband and his feelings. I don't know 673 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,880 Speaker 2: why you're feeling sorry for him. You need to go 674 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:50,440 Speaker 2: have some apple liquor and get over that. 675 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:54,840 Speaker 1: But anyway, if. 676 00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 2: It becomes a matter of you and him, take him down. 677 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:03,040 Speaker 2: And I don't mean in a negative derogatory way, but 678 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:06,160 Speaker 2: I mean, get what you need because you got three 679 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:09,600 Speaker 2: young ones that you gotta deal with. You the mama bear. 680 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,279 Speaker 2: And see the thing about the Mama bear. When she's 681 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:16,640 Speaker 2: all four, she's nice and sweet and she's playing with 682 00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:20,160 Speaker 2: the kids, and you know, she's picking berries but when 683 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:23,760 Speaker 2: she stands up on her two hind legs, she getting 684 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 2: ready to jack somebody up. Get up on your two 685 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:31,080 Speaker 2: hind legs, lady, Come on, mama, bear up on your 686 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:34,680 Speaker 2: two hind legs. I am a single woman raising three 687 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:39,400 Speaker 2: children alone. They have a father, and this is the 688 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:45,319 Speaker 2: level of participation I'm requesting of him. So you're kind 689 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:53,280 Speaker 2: of backtracking your you're kind of backtracking your exit strategy. 690 00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:53,920 Speaker 1: But that's okay. 691 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,760 Speaker 2: You can put it in place now because you're didn't exit, 692 00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:59,920 Speaker 2: you just moved out, So now we're getting ready to exit. 693 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,279 Speaker 2: Does that make sense to you? Miss Isis, I'm a 694 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:06,200 Speaker 2: little harder than you are. I'm hardcore. I'm sorry that 695 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:08,640 Speaker 2: does that does make sense? 696 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:13,040 Speaker 4: No, everything you're saying is exactly what needs to happen. 697 00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:19,279 Speaker 4: The vision is first. Yeah, yeah, probably budget in the 698 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:23,360 Speaker 4: child support, any transportation, because you guys could split that 699 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,960 Speaker 4: cost when you go to child support. 700 00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:33,879 Speaker 2: Okay, And like I said, can he keep them a week? 701 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:35,719 Speaker 1: Can they be two weeks for two two weeks with him? 702 00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,160 Speaker 1: Two weeks for two two weeks for them? 703 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,000 Speaker 2: Are you all living in the same area where he 704 00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,160 Speaker 2: can get him to school? He takes care of them. 705 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:45,520 Speaker 2: Your two weeks. You worry about your your two weeks. 706 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,600 Speaker 2: He takes care of him his two weeks. You worry 707 00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:51,279 Speaker 2: about him your two weeks. And that'll give you to me. 708 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:52,840 Speaker 2: You know, if you got to pick up a second 709 00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:56,960 Speaker 2: job so that you can pay the transportation or whatever 710 00:42:57,320 --> 00:43:01,520 Speaker 2: it can. Hundreds of thousands of women do it every day. 711 00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:02,960 Speaker 2: Join the club. 712 00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:11,040 Speaker 3: Hello, Well, thank you ladies. Time I do. I made 713 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:12,319 Speaker 3: so many notes. 714 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:17,240 Speaker 4: Thank you. You welcome your time. 715 00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:19,400 Speaker 3: Thank you. 716 00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:23,040 Speaker 2: Take your time, bathe, get you, get you some apple liquor, 717 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,280 Speaker 2: and sit down and make a plan, make your strategy. 718 00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:31,080 Speaker 3: Okay, okay, I love it. 719 00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:37,160 Speaker 2: Well, okay, alrighty, thank you so much. Miss Isis. I 720 00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:39,560 Speaker 2: want to thank you. You have some powerful insights. I 721 00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:41,480 Speaker 2: know I'm a little harder than you. I'm from Brooklyn, 722 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:44,200 Speaker 2: you're from Chicago. You're all a little soft around the edges. 723 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:48,839 Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. 724 00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,759 Speaker 2: Anything y'all want you want to leave our listeners with. 725 00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:57,200 Speaker 2: In terms of creating an exit strategy, I. 726 00:43:57,160 --> 00:44:00,319 Speaker 4: Would probably say my favorite scripture I can do all 727 00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:03,560 Speaker 4: things with Christ. That's what I want to leave everybody with. 728 00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:07,960 Speaker 4: Just remember that and stay humble, stay true to God, 729 00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:11,440 Speaker 4: try to be as righteous as possible in this time 730 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:14,680 Speaker 4: when you are making an exit plan, just know God 731 00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:18,160 Speaker 4: is with you. He has not left you. But if 732 00:44:18,200 --> 00:44:22,799 Speaker 4: your situation is bad, ask yourself, is this a part 733 00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:26,160 Speaker 4: of God's plans? Because most likely the answer is know 734 00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:30,719 Speaker 4: a part of his plan is you accident? So that's 735 00:44:30,719 --> 00:44:32,279 Speaker 4: what I want to leave everybody with. 736 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:36,200 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Percises. 737 00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,879 Speaker 2: I appreciate you, and good luck to you and your 738 00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:45,399 Speaker 2: future endeavors. Exit strategy, Exit strategy. We've got some good 739 00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:49,480 Speaker 2: good notes for you today. As our last caller demonstrated, 740 00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,720 Speaker 2: you got to have the strategy to get out before 741 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:56,240 Speaker 2: you leave. And leaving isn't just about being gone. Leaving 742 00:44:56,360 --> 00:45:00,720 Speaker 2: is about navigating the new normal, creating the new normal. 743 00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:04,359 Speaker 2: And how do you stay gone? And particularly if you're 744 00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:07,080 Speaker 2: a woman, I'm telling you check between your toads under 745 00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:10,200 Speaker 2: your breast and your armpit behind your ear low, because 746 00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:13,880 Speaker 2: if there's any part of you that is still entertaining 747 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:20,319 Speaker 2: a relationship with him, you're in a weak position. Have 748 00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:25,960 Speaker 2: your vision. Have your vision. As our second caller demonstrated 749 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:29,040 Speaker 2: to us, you got to have a vision for where 750 00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:31,759 Speaker 2: you're going and what it's going to look like, and 751 00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:35,040 Speaker 2: show up in the new place in the way you 752 00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:38,920 Speaker 2: want to be handled. If you left an economy position 753 00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:42,640 Speaker 2: and you're moving into premium economy, show up that way. 754 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:46,439 Speaker 2: If you left premium economy and you showing you moving 755 00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:50,680 Speaker 2: into a business class or first class, show up that way. 756 00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:53,920 Speaker 2: That means how you present yourself, how you hold yourself, 757 00:45:54,120 --> 00:45:56,680 Speaker 2: how you're thinking. The other thing I think in the 758 00:45:56,719 --> 00:46:01,839 Speaker 2: exit strategy, and this is very important, get out of 759 00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:06,240 Speaker 2: the story. Stay out of the story of what happened 760 00:46:06,239 --> 00:46:08,960 Speaker 2: and why it happened, and if only it hadn't happened, 761 00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:11,560 Speaker 2: and what would have happened if it hadn't Forget that. 762 00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:12,960 Speaker 1: Forget that. 763 00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:16,920 Speaker 2: You can process that through your prayers. You can process 764 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:20,320 Speaker 2: that through your breathing, you can process that through your journaling. 765 00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:25,440 Speaker 2: Keep your eye focused on the vision for moving forward, 766 00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:30,439 Speaker 2: and process your feelings as you go along. Yeah, this 767 00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:34,200 Speaker 2: is so important. And extra strategy is your plan, and 768 00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:38,479 Speaker 2: it's best that you set it up before you leave 769 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:42,560 Speaker 2: as you're in whatever relationship it is. Because our second 770 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:46,000 Speaker 2: caller wasn't leaving a marriage or a relationship. She was 771 00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:49,680 Speaker 2: leaving a tendency, okay, but she was clear that how 772 00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:53,080 Speaker 2: she showed up as a tenant wasn't authentic. 773 00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:56,040 Speaker 1: So be authentic. Be authentic. 774 00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:58,759 Speaker 2: If I had one other thing to say to our 775 00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:01,640 Speaker 2: last caller, it would be well, I think I did say, 776 00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:05,600 Speaker 2: she's got to have a conversation with him. With him, 777 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:09,359 Speaker 2: draw your line in the sand, and if they cross it, 778 00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:14,520 Speaker 2: don't back up. Draw your line in the sand and 779 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:20,600 Speaker 2: have clear consequences about what happens if they cross that line. 780 00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:26,520 Speaker 2: And here's the big thing. Whether it's a partner, a spouse, 781 00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:33,040 Speaker 2: a family member, a job, a landlord, you don't have 782 00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:37,239 Speaker 2: to stop loving the person, but you do get to 783 00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:41,719 Speaker 2: choose the level of access you give them. Say yes 784 00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:45,239 Speaker 2: to the love, no to the access. Say yes to 785 00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,400 Speaker 2: the love, but no, you can no longer access me 786 00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:55,480 Speaker 2: or my life in that way. Exit strategies, they are important. 787 00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:58,160 Speaker 2: We didn't get a lot of time to talk about 788 00:47:58,160 --> 00:48:01,680 Speaker 2: your exit strategy from Bad Behave, But you can use 789 00:48:01,719 --> 00:48:05,320 Speaker 2: any of these things that we've talked about to create yours. 790 00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:09,560 Speaker 2: Have your exit strategy, have your little pool and your 791 00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:13,640 Speaker 2: pennies over on the side. Check yourself out to make 792 00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:17,319 Speaker 2: sure that all parts of you are in agreement and 793 00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:21,880 Speaker 2: alignment with the exit. Okay, otherwise you'll be back and forth. 794 00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:25,920 Speaker 1: And pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. 795 00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:28,919 Speaker 2: Breathe and pray, pray and breathe, breathe and pray, pray 796 00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:34,279 Speaker 2: and breathe. That sometimes that's all you got to hang 797 00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:37,120 Speaker 2: on too. I hope you've heard something today that will 798 00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:41,400 Speaker 2: help you, support you, give you some guidelines and tips, 799 00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:46,120 Speaker 2: open your eyes about the importance of an exit strategy. 800 00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:49,680 Speaker 2: I'll see you next time. Until then, stay in peace 801 00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:59,360 Speaker 2: and not in pieces. Bye. Ther Spot is a production 802 00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:05,279 Speaker 2: of audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from 803 00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:10,760 Speaker 2: shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever 804 00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:12,759 Speaker 2: you listen to your favorite show.