Speaker 1: I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
Speaker 1: I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 1: I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
Speaker 1: I feel free, I know every pardon me, it's beautiful.
Speaker 2: And that will.
Speaker 1: Always out way if you feel it.
Speaker 2: But your hands in here, She'll some love to the vid.
Speaker 2: Why get that? Take you one day?
Speaker 1: And did you and die out way?
Speaker 2: Happy Saturday? Outweigh Amy here and I'm alongside Leanne Ellington.
Speaker 2: We started a series last Saturday. It's redefined to Align
Speaker 2: be redefining some things so that you can find alignment
Speaker 2: within yourself and hopefully feel more like yourself, more true
Speaker 2: to yourself, more authentic. Land did you know that the
Speaker 2: word of the year for twenty twenty three, according to
Speaker 2: to Merriam Webster is authenticity.
Speaker 1: I did not know that.
Speaker 2: They said it was the most searched word of the
Speaker 2: year by people, and I think it was because AI
Speaker 2: made such a splash this year, and that's obviously not real,
Speaker 2: not authentic. It's this what is happening, and people are
Speaker 2: very much craving authenticity and they're craving connection, and hopefully
Speaker 2: this series will help you get there. Last week we
Speaker 2: talked about redefining success, and today we're going to talk
Speaker 2: about redefining boundaries. And this is the time of year
Speaker 2: that is really challenging for a lot of women, a
Speaker 2: lot of men too, struggling with food, their bodies, and
Speaker 2: holidays can just be a little hectic. We all feel
Speaker 2: it at times. So our encouragement is that you definitely
Speaker 2: take time out for yourself to listen to all four
Speaker 2: of these episodes. After today, there'll be two more weeks
Speaker 2: of this. We'll talk about redefining stress and redefining results
Speaker 2: on week four. But when it comes to boundaries, lean,
Speaker 2: how have you had to redefine boundaries in your own life?
Speaker 1: The number one thing I hear from people is I
Speaker 1: need better boundaries. I need help saying They think saying
Speaker 1: no is a problem or saying yes to too many things,
Speaker 1: and a lot of times that I know, for me,
Speaker 1: I thought that boundaries met with other people. But what
Speaker 1: I discovered was that when it comes to redefining what
Speaker 1: boundaries means, we have to take other people out of
Speaker 1: it and start with ourselves. And oftentimes it's lack of
Speaker 1: clarity of what we want, so we, you know, commit
Speaker 1: to too many things or say yes to too many things.
Speaker 1: It might fall under the category of people pleasing of
Speaker 1: you know, caring way too much about pleasing other people
Speaker 1: at the expense of pleasing ourselves, or feeling resent. But
Speaker 1: then also this is the one that can be a
Speaker 1: little sneaky. Oftentimes it's an integrity gap for ourselves. Our
Speaker 1: word has become negotiable, and we're kind of, for lack
Speaker 1: of a better way of saying it, flighty with our word,
Speaker 1: and we're saying things without really you know, meaning them,
Speaker 1: or committing to things without really looking at the consequences
Speaker 1: of like will I follow through on them? And then
Speaker 1: the cost of that is we don't trust ourselves when
Speaker 1: we make these commitments, and then we think we have
Speaker 1: a boundary problem. So really an integrity problem is disguised
Speaker 1: as a boundary problem. So I think the easiest way
Speaker 1: to redefine boundaries is to instead of looking at it
Speaker 1: as like a inside to outside or outside to inside
Speaker 1: kind of situation, really take radical ownership and authority of it,
Speaker 1: of looking at it of like, Okay, boundaries are my responsibility,
Speaker 1: and it's an integrity with self thing first and foremost,
Speaker 1: and who I want to be and how I want
Speaker 1: to feel and not in a selfish way. Right. And
Speaker 1: in the theme of redefining, a lot of people think like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm afraid of being selfish or coming across as you know,
Speaker 1: self whatever valuing right. But in reality, when you think
Speaker 1: about the version of you that's burnt out, stressed out,
Speaker 1: resenting other people, they are not getting the best version
Speaker 1: of you. So this really does serve other people to
Speaker 1: to take ownership of your ability to create boundaries. So
Speaker 1: that's kind of the first layer that I wanted to
Speaker 1: lay down on this conversation.
Speaker 2: I have thought. So redefining boundaries part one is that
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to do necessarily with other people. It
Speaker 2: has to do with us. I don't know that I
Speaker 2: learned that right away. When I started working on boundaries,
Speaker 2: it was definitely with others first and then myself. So
Speaker 2: I like that you're putting that first, because I think
Speaker 2: I would have benefited by putting boundaries within me. You know,
Speaker 2: I would have benefited from that, for sure. I can
Speaker 2: see how that comes in handy dealing with that first,
Speaker 2: because then it sort of all falls into place, you know,
Speaker 2: making it like, oh, I need to set a boundary
Speaker 2: because this thing, this person, this event, this work, whatever
Speaker 2: it is, this party. Really it's like, okay, within me,
Speaker 2: what do I need at this moment for myself?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think oftentimes people get a little bit
Speaker 1: distressed by the concept of putting down a boundary because
Speaker 1: they think it might mean being confrontation. And it's the
Speaker 1: difference between like standing up against something and saying like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that, and putting our foot down, because oftentimes, unfortunately,
Speaker 1: the boundary conversation comes after you've been like unboundaried and
Speaker 1: you're resentful or stressed out or burnt out or just
Speaker 1: have nothing left. You're depleted, defeated, all the things, and
Speaker 1: so it ends up being almost like a defensive thing
Speaker 1: of like, no, I need to lay down boundaries, and
Speaker 1: we go into this defensive mode Versus what I'm inviting
Speaker 1: y'all into is this idea of like, what if it
Speaker 1: was not standing up against something or someone, but standing
Speaker 1: in the knowingness of what you want and what really
Speaker 1: serves you, and again not in a selfish way that
Speaker 1: a lot of people think about it, as in, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be able to serve everybody else if I
Speaker 1: actually take care of myself and protect my energy, right,
Speaker 1: but in this offensive way of like I don't even
Speaker 1: want to let it get to the point where I
Speaker 1: have to like lay down the law, so to speak.
Speaker 1: I'm just letting my yeses be yes's, my nose be knows,
Speaker 1: but also being unapologetic about it. I think so many
Speaker 1: people get so flustered and frustrated because they're just saying yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: out of this desire to please or perform or not
Speaker 1: air quotes, let somebody down, and in turn they're letting
Speaker 1: themselves down. Right, So the set, I guess the second
Speaker 1: layer would be going from playing defense and having to
Speaker 1: like go clean it up and being reactive and set
Speaker 1: boundaries versus offensively so to speak, or proactively or in
Speaker 1: a responsible way like able to respond way say you
Speaker 1: know what, this is what works for me, this is
Speaker 1: what doesn't work for me, this is what's okay with me,
Speaker 1: this is what's within my limits and my bounds, and
Speaker 1: then invite people into that. Rather than train, we almost train.
Speaker 1: I know I did, like I trained people that I
Speaker 1: was just the one to say yes, or I was
Speaker 1: the one to drop everything in a minute. And don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong, I still want to be that person
Speaker 1: that people can count on and we drop things if
Speaker 1: they need it. But there's again within the bounds where
Speaker 1: I'm not losing my sense of self. I'm not you know,
Speaker 1: kiltering on burnout and I'm not out of integrity.
Speaker 2: I think that we can go yes ssss please please,
Speaker 2: and then yeah, we hit a wall and then we're
Speaker 2: like no, no, no, no no, And like you said,
Speaker 2: it ends up being on the defense. And when you
Speaker 2: take care of yourself first and redefine it for you
Speaker 2: in those boundaries, then you know what your actual bandwidth is.
Speaker 2: It may take a minute to figure that out, but
Speaker 2: eventually you'll get there and you be like, oh, you'll
Speaker 2: realize that you can make certain decisions with ease, and
Speaker 2: you may end up saying a yes to something that
Speaker 2: might have been a harsh no because of your overwhelm
Speaker 2: when if you approach it in a more peaceful way,
Speaker 2: because you have had your own boundaries in place for
Speaker 2: a little bit, it's not going to happen overnight. But
Speaker 2: say they're there, then you might be like, oh, that's
Speaker 2: actually a yes. So in my mind, it's expanding opportunities
Speaker 2: that you may have or relationships you may have you're expanding,
Speaker 2: but we have to put in the work first to
Speaker 2: create the boundaries.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, no, one thousand percent. But then you're actually like
Speaker 1: really doing the stuff that serves you and you feel
Speaker 1: good about. And it's interesting too because, as you'll find
Speaker 1: with all of these redefinitions, there's some crossovers. So last
Speaker 1: week we were talking about this idea of redefining success, right,
Speaker 1: and so when it comes to boundaries too, I think
Speaker 1: when I talk about this idea of standing in the
Speaker 1: knowingness of who you are and what's right for you
Speaker 1: and just kind of having it's almost like an internal
Speaker 1: compass of like, this is who I am and this
Speaker 1: is what I value, and this is what feels good
Speaker 1: and that alignment and this feels congruent, authentic all the things.
Speaker 1: But it can also come to like what and whom
Speaker 1: we allow into our kind of energy space. So, for example,
Speaker 1: I got an email from a client who who she
Speaker 1: graduated from my program a couple of years ago, and
Speaker 1: she told me that she was following somebody on social
Speaker 1: media that she thought aligned with her values, you know,
Speaker 1: her new values around health and her new values around
Speaker 1: acceptance and body imagin all of that and so she
Speaker 1: said that a few weeks ago she signed up for
Speaker 1: this twenty one day challenge with this woman, thinking that
Speaker 1: it would be something that she would enjoy. It was
Speaker 1: all virtual, and the first video from this person was like,
Speaker 1: you're going to be so excited when the holidays come
Speaker 1: around and your friends and family tell you look so
Speaker 1: great and they're all jealous and they ask you how
Speaker 1: you lost the weight, and they're just giving you compliments
Speaker 1: left and right on your body. And she she told me,
Speaker 1: she's like, I immediately contacted them and told them I didn't
Speaker 1: want to do the challenge anymore because that is the
Speaker 1: kind of thinking that I don't want to subscribe to
Speaker 1: you anymore, Like I don't want my whole life to
Speaker 1: be wrapped around that. And so internally she also had
Speaker 1: these boundaries that were really like stabilized and foundationalized, if
Speaker 1: that's a word, by her values and who she chooses
Speaker 1: to be in this world and what she values and
Speaker 1: what she defines as her definitions of success, and so
Speaker 1: having boundaries about like what you want to participate in
Speaker 1: and who you want to be around, and the kind
Speaker 1: of vibe and the kind of conversation that's all part
Speaker 1: of this as well, and giving yourself permission to say, no,
Speaker 1: that's not I'm not feeling that, it's not anti you,
Speaker 1: it's just pro me and I'm doing it for the
Speaker 1: good of my heart, my soul and my health.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I guess sometimes when I think of boundaries, especially
Speaker 2: this time of your calendar, things come to mind. But
Speaker 2: it's also boundaries for what type of words you're going
Speaker 2: to allow into your space, what type of language is
Speaker 2: being used, And you may have to remove yourself from
Speaker 2: some conversations or entire programs or relationships. Yeah, but you know,
Speaker 2: it also could just be a conversation and easy is
Speaker 2: you knowing that to take care of yourself you might
Speaker 2: need to step away, walk away, because the truth is
Speaker 2: that call started that way. Because this time of year,
Speaker 2: you are often seeing people you haven't seen in a while,
Speaker 2: and those are comments that family and friends make on
Speaker 2: both ends, like oh what are you doing? You look great?
Speaker 2: Or oh you've lost weight, are you okay? Or oh
Speaker 2: you put on a few what's going on? Or oh
Speaker 2: filling out those clothes you know from uncle whoever? You know,
Speaker 2: people just say stuff that should didn't come out of
Speaker 2: their mouths, but yet it still does and you have
Speaker 2: to deal with it. And that's where you know you
Speaker 2: can just take a second breathe and if it stresses
Speaker 2: you out, then next Saturday we're talking about free defining
Speaker 2: stress and so there'll be some tools in there for
Speaker 2: you to take a look at that during this holiday season, Leanne,
Speaker 2: where can people find you?
Speaker 1: You can find me at Leanne Ellington over on socials.
Speaker 1: And then if you want to learn more about rewiring
Speaker 1: your brain, redefining what it looks like for boundary stress,
Speaker 1: your entire identity around food, your body health, you can
Speaker 1: find my free masterclass over on Stressless Eating dot com
Speaker 2: And I am at Radio Amy on socials and we'll
Speaker 2: see you next Saturday for redefining stress