WEBVTT - Redefine to Align Part 2: How To Redefine 'Boundaries' (Outweigh)

0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:04.560
<v Speaker 1>I won't let my body out be outwait everything that

0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:07.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.

0:00:08.680 --> 0:00:12.479
<v Speaker 1>I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,

0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:19.000
<v Speaker 1>I feel free, I know every pardon me, it's beautiful.

0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:20.279
<v Speaker 2>And that will.

0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:24.520
<v Speaker 1>Always out way if you feel it.

0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:27.680
<v Speaker 2>But your hands in here, She'll some love to the vid.

0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:29.840
<v Speaker 2>Why get that? Take you one day?

0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:34.840
<v Speaker 1>And did you and die out way?

0:00:35.159 --> 0:00:39.760
<v Speaker 2>Happy Saturday? Outweigh Amy here and I'm alongside Leanne Ellington.

0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:44.680
<v Speaker 2>We started a series last Saturday. It's redefined to Align

0:00:45.400 --> 0:00:48.840
<v Speaker 2>be redefining some things so that you can find alignment

0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:53.760
<v Speaker 2>within yourself and hopefully feel more like yourself, more true

0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:56.680
<v Speaker 2>to yourself, more authentic. Land did you know that the

0:00:56.720 --> 0:01:00.040
<v Speaker 2>word of the year for twenty twenty three, according to

0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.080
<v Speaker 2>to Merriam Webster is authenticity.

0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:03.560
<v Speaker 1>I did not know that.

0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:06.280
<v Speaker 2>They said it was the most searched word of the

0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:10.200
<v Speaker 2>year by people, and I think it was because AI

0:01:10.400 --> 0:01:15.280
<v Speaker 2>made such a splash this year, and that's obviously not real,

0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:19.679
<v Speaker 2>not authentic. It's this what is happening, and people are

0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:24.959
<v Speaker 2>very much craving authenticity and they're craving connection, and hopefully

0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:27.319
<v Speaker 2>this series will help you get there. Last week we

0:01:27.400 --> 0:01:31.720
<v Speaker 2>talked about redefining success, and today we're going to talk

0:01:31.760 --> 0:01:35.200
<v Speaker 2>about redefining boundaries. And this is the time of year

0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:38.319
<v Speaker 2>that is really challenging for a lot of women, a

0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:41.800
<v Speaker 2>lot of men too, struggling with food, their bodies, and

0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:46.240
<v Speaker 2>holidays can just be a little hectic. We all feel

0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:49.160
<v Speaker 2>it at times. So our encouragement is that you definitely

0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:53.480
<v Speaker 2>take time out for yourself to listen to all four

0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:58.160
<v Speaker 2>of these episodes. After today, there'll be two more weeks

0:01:58.160 --> 0:02:01.600
<v Speaker 2>of this. We'll talk about redefining stress and redefining results

0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:05.160
<v Speaker 2>on week four. But when it comes to boundaries, lean,

0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:08.359
<v Speaker 2>how have you had to redefine boundaries in your own life?

0:02:08.520 --> 0:02:11.080
<v Speaker 1>The number one thing I hear from people is I

0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:14.440
<v Speaker 1>need better boundaries. I need help saying They think saying

0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.800
<v Speaker 1>no is a problem or saying yes to too many things,

0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:19.840
<v Speaker 1>and a lot of times that I know, for me,

0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:23.280
<v Speaker 1>I thought that boundaries met with other people. But what

0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:26.760
<v Speaker 1>I discovered was that when it comes to redefining what

0:02:26.800 --> 0:02:29.920
<v Speaker 1>boundaries means, we have to take other people out of

0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:33.600
<v Speaker 1>it and start with ourselves. And oftentimes it's lack of

0:02:33.639 --> 0:02:36.680
<v Speaker 1>clarity of what we want, so we, you know, commit

0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:38.680
<v Speaker 1>to too many things or say yes to too many things.

0:02:39.120 --> 0:02:42.000
<v Speaker 1>It might fall under the category of people pleasing of

0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:44.480
<v Speaker 1>you know, caring way too much about pleasing other people

0:02:44.600 --> 0:02:47.880
<v Speaker 1>at the expense of pleasing ourselves, or feeling resent. But

0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:50.040
<v Speaker 1>then also this is the one that can be a

0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:54.600
<v Speaker 1>little sneaky. Oftentimes it's an integrity gap for ourselves. Our

0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:58.639
<v Speaker 1>word has become negotiable, and we're kind of, for lack

0:02:58.639 --> 0:03:00.600
<v Speaker 1>of a better way of saying it, flighty with our word,

0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.880
<v Speaker 1>and we're saying things without really you know, meaning them,

0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:07.760
<v Speaker 1>or committing to things without really looking at the consequences

0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:10.359
<v Speaker 1>of like will I follow through on them? And then

0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:13.040
<v Speaker 1>the cost of that is we don't trust ourselves when

0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:15.000
<v Speaker 1>we make these commitments, and then we think we have

0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:19.560
<v Speaker 1>a boundary problem. So really an integrity problem is disguised

0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:22.519
<v Speaker 1>as a boundary problem. So I think the easiest way

0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:26.040
<v Speaker 1>to redefine boundaries is to instead of looking at it

0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:29.440
<v Speaker 1>as like a inside to outside or outside to inside

0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:33.760
<v Speaker 1>kind of situation, really take radical ownership and authority of it,

0:03:34.240 --> 0:03:37.559
<v Speaker 1>of looking at it of like, Okay, boundaries are my responsibility,

0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:41.680
<v Speaker 1>and it's an integrity with self thing first and foremost,

0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:43.600
<v Speaker 1>and who I want to be and how I want

0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:45.960
<v Speaker 1>to feel and not in a selfish way. Right. And

0:03:46.120 --> 0:03:48.800
<v Speaker 1>in the theme of redefining, a lot of people think like, oh,

0:03:48.920 --> 0:03:51.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm afraid of being selfish or coming across as you know,

0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:55.680
<v Speaker 1>self whatever valuing right. But in reality, when you think

0:03:55.680 --> 0:03:57.920
<v Speaker 1>about the version of you that's burnt out, stressed out,

0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:00.640
<v Speaker 1>resenting other people, they are not getting the best version

0:04:00.640 --> 0:04:03.400
<v Speaker 1>of you. So this really does serve other people to

0:04:03.400 --> 0:04:06.560
<v Speaker 1>to take ownership of your ability to create boundaries. So

0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:08.800
<v Speaker 1>that's kind of the first layer that I wanted to

0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:10.720
<v Speaker 1>lay down on this conversation.

0:04:10.600 --> 0:04:15.320
<v Speaker 2>I have thought. So redefining boundaries part one is that

0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:17.680
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't have to do necessarily with other people. It

0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:19.680
<v Speaker 2>has to do with us. I don't know that I

0:04:19.760 --> 0:04:22.279
<v Speaker 2>learned that right away. When I started working on boundaries,

0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:27.080
<v Speaker 2>it was definitely with others first and then myself. So

0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:28.800
<v Speaker 2>I like that you're putting that first, because I think

0:04:28.800 --> 0:04:32.840
<v Speaker 2>I would have benefited by putting boundaries within me. You know,

0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:34.800
<v Speaker 2>I would have benefited from that, for sure. I can

0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.000
<v Speaker 2>see how that comes in handy dealing with that first,

0:04:37.040 --> 0:04:39.880
<v Speaker 2>because then it sort of all falls into place, you know,

0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:41.600
<v Speaker 2>making it like, oh, I need to set a boundary

0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:45.960
<v Speaker 2>because this thing, this person, this event, this work, whatever

0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:48.919
<v Speaker 2>it is, this party. Really it's like, okay, within me,

0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:53.159
<v Speaker 2>what do I need at this moment for myself?

0:04:53.560 --> 0:04:56.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And I think oftentimes people get a little bit

0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:58.440
<v Speaker 1>distressed by the concept of putting down a boundary because

0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:01.400
<v Speaker 1>they think it might mean being confrontation. And it's the

0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:05.440
<v Speaker 1>difference between like standing up against something and saying like, no,

0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:08.839
<v Speaker 1>I'm not doing that, and putting our foot down, because oftentimes, unfortunately,

0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:13.280
<v Speaker 1>the boundary conversation comes after you've been like unboundaried and

0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:17.080
<v Speaker 1>you're resentful or stressed out or burnt out or just

0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:20.200
<v Speaker 1>have nothing left. You're depleted, defeated, all the things, and

0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:22.800
<v Speaker 1>so it ends up being almost like a defensive thing

0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:25.160
<v Speaker 1>of like, no, I need to lay down boundaries, and

0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:29.040
<v Speaker 1>we go into this defensive mode Versus what I'm inviting

0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:31.599
<v Speaker 1>y'all into is this idea of like, what if it

0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:36.640
<v Speaker 1>was not standing up against something or someone, but standing

0:05:36.839 --> 0:05:40.960
<v Speaker 1>in the knowingness of what you want and what really

0:05:41.000 --> 0:05:44.520
<v Speaker 1>serves you, and again not in a selfish way that

0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:46.440
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people think about it, as in, I'm

0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:48.120
<v Speaker 1>going to be able to serve everybody else if I

0:05:48.160 --> 0:05:50.760
<v Speaker 1>actually take care of myself and protect my energy, right,

0:05:51.240 --> 0:05:53.600
<v Speaker 1>but in this offensive way of like I don't even

0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:55.039
<v Speaker 1>want to let it get to the point where I

0:05:55.080 --> 0:05:57.200
<v Speaker 1>have to like lay down the law, so to speak.

0:05:57.279 --> 0:06:00.400
<v Speaker 1>I'm just letting my yeses be yes's, my nose be knows,

0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.480
<v Speaker 1>but also being unapologetic about it. I think so many

0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:08.280
<v Speaker 1>people get so flustered and frustrated because they're just saying yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

0:06:08.320 --> 0:06:11.240
<v Speaker 1>out of this desire to please or perform or not

0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:15.000
<v Speaker 1>air quotes, let somebody down, and in turn they're letting

0:06:15.040 --> 0:06:18.280
<v Speaker 1>themselves down. Right, So the set, I guess the second

0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:20.760
<v Speaker 1>layer would be going from playing defense and having to

0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:23.000
<v Speaker 1>like go clean it up and being reactive and set

0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:27.520
<v Speaker 1>boundaries versus offensively so to speak, or proactively or in

0:06:27.560 --> 0:06:32.560
<v Speaker 1>a responsible way like able to respond way say you

0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:34.919
<v Speaker 1>know what, this is what works for me, this is

0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:37.440
<v Speaker 1>what doesn't work for me, this is what's okay with me,

0:06:37.520 --> 0:06:40.520
<v Speaker 1>this is what's within my limits and my bounds, and

0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:45.600
<v Speaker 1>then invite people into that. Rather than train, we almost train.

0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:47.320
<v Speaker 1>I know I did, like I trained people that I

0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:48.720
<v Speaker 1>was just the one to say yes, or I was

0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:50.479
<v Speaker 1>the one to drop everything in a minute. And don't

0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:52.000
<v Speaker 1>get me wrong, I still want to be that person

0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:53.960
<v Speaker 1>that people can count on and we drop things if

0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:56.839
<v Speaker 1>they need it. But there's again within the bounds where

0:06:56.839 --> 0:06:59.880
<v Speaker 1>I'm not losing my sense of self. I'm not you know,

0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:03.640
<v Speaker 1>kiltering on burnout and I'm not out of integrity.

0:07:03.960 --> 0:07:06.800
<v Speaker 2>I think that we can go yes ssss please please,

0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:08.720
<v Speaker 2>and then yeah, we hit a wall and then we're

0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:10.480
<v Speaker 2>like no, no, no, no no, And like you said,

0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:14.160
<v Speaker 2>it ends up being on the defense. And when you

0:07:14.200 --> 0:07:17.000
<v Speaker 2>take care of yourself first and redefine it for you

0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:20.360
<v Speaker 2>in those boundaries, then you know what your actual bandwidth is.

0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:24.240
<v Speaker 2>It may take a minute to figure that out, but

0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:27.480
<v Speaker 2>eventually you'll get there and you be like, oh, you'll

0:07:27.520 --> 0:07:31.840
<v Speaker 2>realize that you can make certain decisions with ease, and

0:07:31.880 --> 0:07:34.760
<v Speaker 2>you may end up saying a yes to something that

0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:38.560
<v Speaker 2>might have been a harsh no because of your overwhelm

0:07:38.920 --> 0:07:42.080
<v Speaker 2>when if you approach it in a more peaceful way,

0:07:42.240 --> 0:07:45.520
<v Speaker 2>because you have had your own boundaries in place for

0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:47.440
<v Speaker 2>a little bit, it's not going to happen overnight. But

0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:50.320
<v Speaker 2>say they're there, then you might be like, oh, that's

0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:56.680
<v Speaker 2>actually a yes. So in my mind, it's expanding opportunities

0:07:56.680 --> 0:08:00.880
<v Speaker 2>that you may have or relationships you may have you're expanding,

0:08:00.880 --> 0:08:02.880
<v Speaker 2>but we have to put in the work first to

0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:04.160
<v Speaker 2>create the boundaries.

0:08:04.560 --> 0:08:06.960
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, no, one thousand percent. But then you're actually like

0:08:07.040 --> 0:08:09.200
<v Speaker 1>really doing the stuff that serves you and you feel

0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:11.920
<v Speaker 1>good about. And it's interesting too because, as you'll find

0:08:11.920 --> 0:08:14.480
<v Speaker 1>with all of these redefinitions, there's some crossovers. So last

0:08:14.520 --> 0:08:17.160
<v Speaker 1>week we were talking about this idea of redefining success, right,

0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:19.679
<v Speaker 1>and so when it comes to boundaries too, I think

0:08:19.920 --> 0:08:21.920
<v Speaker 1>when I talk about this idea of standing in the

0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.440
<v Speaker 1>knowingness of who you are and what's right for you

0:08:24.520 --> 0:08:26.840
<v Speaker 1>and just kind of having it's almost like an internal

0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:28.640
<v Speaker 1>compass of like, this is who I am and this

0:08:28.720 --> 0:08:30.480
<v Speaker 1>is what I value, and this is what feels good

0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:33.520
<v Speaker 1>and that alignment and this feels congruent, authentic all the things.

0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:36.679
<v Speaker 1>But it can also come to like what and whom

0:08:36.840 --> 0:08:39.640
<v Speaker 1>we allow into our kind of energy space. So, for example,

0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:42.280
<v Speaker 1>I got an email from a client who who she

0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:44.960
<v Speaker 1>graduated from my program a couple of years ago, and

0:08:45.240 --> 0:08:47.560
<v Speaker 1>she told me that she was following somebody on social

0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:50.400
<v Speaker 1>media that she thought aligned with her values, you know,

0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:53.000
<v Speaker 1>her new values around health and her new values around

0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:54.960
<v Speaker 1>acceptance and body imagin all of that and so she

0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:56.880
<v Speaker 1>said that a few weeks ago she signed up for

0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:59.680
<v Speaker 1>this twenty one day challenge with this woman, thinking that

0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:01.360
<v Speaker 1>it would be something that she would enjoy. It was

0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:04.560
<v Speaker 1>all virtual, and the first video from this person was like,

0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:06.720
<v Speaker 1>you're going to be so excited when the holidays come

0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:09.240
<v Speaker 1>around and your friends and family tell you look so

0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.120
<v Speaker 1>great and they're all jealous and they ask you how

0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:14.480
<v Speaker 1>you lost the weight, and they're just giving you compliments

0:09:14.559 --> 0:09:17.360
<v Speaker 1>left and right on your body. And she she told me,

0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:19.840
<v Speaker 1>she's like, I immediately contacted them and told them I didn't

0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:22.440
<v Speaker 1>want to do the challenge anymore because that is the

0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:25.559
<v Speaker 1>kind of thinking that I don't want to subscribe to

0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:27.280
<v Speaker 1>you anymore, Like I don't want my whole life to

0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:30.000
<v Speaker 1>be wrapped around that. And so internally she also had

0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:35.040
<v Speaker 1>these boundaries that were really like stabilized and foundationalized, if

0:09:35.040 --> 0:09:38.000
<v Speaker 1>that's a word, by her values and who she chooses

0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:39.840
<v Speaker 1>to be in this world and what she values and

0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:42.720
<v Speaker 1>what she defines as her definitions of success, and so

0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:46.080
<v Speaker 1>having boundaries about like what you want to participate in

0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.560
<v Speaker 1>and who you want to be around, and the kind

0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:50.880
<v Speaker 1>of vibe and the kind of conversation that's all part

0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:54.319
<v Speaker 1>of this as well, and giving yourself permission to say, no,

0:09:54.400 --> 0:09:56.680
<v Speaker 1>that's not I'm not feeling that, it's not anti you,

0:09:56.800 --> 0:09:58.600
<v Speaker 1>it's just pro me and I'm doing it for the

0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:00.680
<v Speaker 1>good of my heart, my soul and my health.

0:10:01.440 --> 0:10:04.040
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I guess sometimes when I think of boundaries, especially

0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.960
<v Speaker 2>this time of your calendar, things come to mind. But

0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:10.840
<v Speaker 2>it's also boundaries for what type of words you're going

0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:15.240
<v Speaker 2>to allow into your space, what type of language is

0:10:15.320 --> 0:10:18.640
<v Speaker 2>being used, And you may have to remove yourself from

0:10:18.720 --> 0:10:24.960
<v Speaker 2>some conversations or entire programs or relationships. Yeah, but you know,

0:10:25.120 --> 0:10:28.200
<v Speaker 2>it also could just be a conversation and easy is

0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:30.280
<v Speaker 2>you knowing that to take care of yourself you might

0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:34.880
<v Speaker 2>need to step away, walk away, because the truth is

0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:38.680
<v Speaker 2>that call started that way. Because this time of year,

0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:41.800
<v Speaker 2>you are often seeing people you haven't seen in a while,

0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:45.880
<v Speaker 2>and those are comments that family and friends make on

0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:49.200
<v Speaker 2>both ends, like oh what are you doing? You look great?

0:10:49.280 --> 0:10:51.880
<v Speaker 2>Or oh you've lost weight, are you okay? Or oh

0:10:52.040 --> 0:10:54.280
<v Speaker 2>you put on a few what's going on? Or oh

0:10:54.440 --> 0:10:57.800
<v Speaker 2>filling out those clothes you know from uncle whoever? You know,

0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:00.920
<v Speaker 2>people just say stuff that should didn't come out of

0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:05.200
<v Speaker 2>their mouths, but yet it still does and you have

0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:07.000
<v Speaker 2>to deal with it. And that's where you know you

0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:10.440
<v Speaker 2>can just take a second breathe and if it stresses

0:11:10.480 --> 0:11:14.280
<v Speaker 2>you out, then next Saturday we're talking about free defining

0:11:14.600 --> 0:11:17.600
<v Speaker 2>stress and so there'll be some tools in there for

0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:21.760
<v Speaker 2>you to take a look at that during this holiday season, Leanne,

0:11:21.760 --> 0:11:23.000
<v Speaker 2>where can people find you?

0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:26.199
<v Speaker 1>You can find me at Leanne Ellington over on socials.

0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:28.720
<v Speaker 1>And then if you want to learn more about rewiring

0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:31.680
<v Speaker 1>your brain, redefining what it looks like for boundary stress,

0:11:31.720 --> 0:11:34.760
<v Speaker 1>your entire identity around food, your body health, you can

0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:38.440
<v Speaker 1>find my free masterclass over on Stressless Eating dot com

0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:42.000
<v Speaker 2>And I am at Radio Amy on socials and we'll

0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:50.040
<v Speaker 2>see you next Saturday for redefining stress