WEBVTT - Scott O’Neil ON: Quality Time Over Quantity Time & Why Presence is the Key to Deeper Relationships in Life, Love, and Work 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:01.800 My best friend took his own life, and I'd seen 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:04.480 him two weeks earlier, Jane, two weeks earlier. And you 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:07.880 know what I said, This is the saddest, most disappointing 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:10.880 life experience learning I've ever had. He's going through his 0:00:10.920 --> 0:00:14.760 depression and I'm saying, just be happy, choose happiness. I 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:17.840 didn't understand mental illness. I didn't understand depression. I didn't 0:00:17.880 --> 0:00:20.080 understand what I was saying, why I was saying it. 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:22.840 And then he was gone, and then I'm speaking at 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:32.440 his funeral and I fall apart. Hey everyone, welcome back 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:35.520 to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 0:00:35.600 --> 0:00:37.360 Thanks to each and every single one of you that 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.840 come back every week to listen, to learn and grow. 0:00:41.240 --> 0:00:43.360 Now you know that I love reading books. I love 0:00:43.479 --> 0:00:46.760 diving into people's minds and stories. But what I love 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:49.960 especially is when someone had a different career, they had 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:52.519 a different journey, but they found a way to use 0:00:52.560 --> 0:00:57.000 their platform for a higher purpose, using their incredible talent, 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:00.240 their skills, their gifts, their lessons to have an act 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:03.280 in the world. And today's guest, since I've had this 0:01:03.280 --> 0:01:06.080 book in my home even before I met him, has 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:09.160 been doing just that. I'm speaking when none other than 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:13.039 Scott O'Neill, the author of this incredible new book called 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:17.600 Be Where Your Feet Are. Seven Principles to keep You Present, grounded, 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:20.560 and thriving. Now, I had this book sent to me 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:23.000 and even before I read it, i've read it now, 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:24.880 But before I read it, I would look at this 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:28.360 title every day and it became an affirmation, it became 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.000 a mantra, it became a part of my life. So 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:34.160 when I picked this book up, I was already excited 0:01:34.200 --> 0:01:35.920 to dive in. And today we get to sit down 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:39.520 with Scott who's here with me in the studio, And Scott, 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:41.160 I honestly have to tell you, from the moment you 0:01:41.240 --> 0:01:43.640 walked in through the door with your friends that you've 0:01:43.680 --> 0:01:45.759 kindly brought and introduced me to as well and people 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:52.680 you work with, I felt nothing but presence, intentionality, groundedness. 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:56.320 And it's beautiful to see that and how aligned you 0:01:56.320 --> 0:01:57.880 are with what you've just written. But thank you for 0:01:57.960 --> 0:02:01.600 being here. Well, Jay, I'm humbled off and you've taught 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:03.840 me how to think like a monk. Now I want 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:06.480 to try to be like a monk, and I hope 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:08.600 i'm like that in this podcast, this is a dream 0:02:08.639 --> 0:02:11.640 come true. You are truly one of the great thought 0:02:11.720 --> 0:02:14.840 leaders of the world, and talking about using your platform, 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:18.600 you're influencing people, You're driving change, and you're helping us 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:20.360 be more grounded and more present. So thank you for 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:21.960 all you do. No, thank you so much. I hope 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:23.760 your wife doesn't listen to this part of the podcast. 0:02:23.760 --> 0:02:25.960 That month thing, the monk thing, I'm going to be 0:02:26.000 --> 0:02:28.120 massively in trouble for and next thing, you know, you're 0:02:28.160 --> 0:02:32.640 gonna shave your head and leave home. And that's definitely 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:34.520 not That's why I think like a monk, don't live like. 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.799 One of the stories you told that I just absolutely 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:39.080 love is when you were sent back on the path 0:02:39.120 --> 0:02:41.840 to find something new to me that is a be 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:43.959 where your feet are a moment and I think you 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:47.280 found a rock, a stone or right, and you said, 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:48.800 And what I loved most is you said, and I 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:50.840 placed it back there for someone else to find it. 0:02:51.040 --> 0:02:53.200 And I just thought, man, could you imagine if we 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:57.359 spend our entire life being present so we can discover 0:02:57.440 --> 0:02:59.520 new things? I say, put your phone down, get your 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:03.000 head up. And I'm not I'm far from perfect. In fact, 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:05.360 being in the sports business, you know, we've lost our 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:08.560 fair share of games. I have a competitive issue and problem. 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:11.440 And I remember coming home one night and Lisa's my 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:15.800 wife's name, and the Sixers we were. We we famously 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:17.800 went through this thing called the process trust, the process 0:03:17.800 --> 0:03:20.120 where we took the team down. We lost more games 0:03:20.120 --> 0:03:22.120 over three years spin than any team in NBA history 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:25.639 and for an effort to now we're at the number 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:28.079 one team and eat so it for a purpose, purposefully 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:31.519 intentionally kind of having a long view of the world, 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:33.720 which I like. I like the sense of, you know, 0:03:33.880 --> 0:03:35.200 if you want to go to the moon, don't bring 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:38.200 a ladder type of mentality. And I came home. I 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:40.680 was anxious, I was upset. I was frustrated. We'd just 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:43.160 been booted off the court, and I was stomping around 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:46.160 the house like a child. And my wife says, hey, 0:03:46.480 --> 0:03:50.080 you're doing okay. So yeah, I'm doing fine. It's like, no, no, 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:52.600 what's going on here? And I said, well, did you 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:54.800 see the game? So yeah, no, I watched the game. 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:57.960 Did you see the fourth quarter? It's like, yes, I 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:00.840 saw the fourth quarter. Did you hear us being booted? 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:02.840 She said, Scott, I didn't even need to have the 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:06.640 TV on to hear those boots, And I said, right, 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:09.800 So I'm I'm a little fired up, I'm a little frustrated. 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:12.840 And she raised her hand at me and says, this 0:04:13.800 --> 0:04:16.280 is not gonna work. It's not gonna work for me, 0:04:16.480 --> 0:04:19.919 and it's not gonna work for the kids. And I said, well, 0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:24.000 he said, how good is your team? I said, do 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:25.440 you know we're not going to win a lot of games. 0:04:25.720 --> 0:04:27.599 She's like, you need a new system, you need a 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:30.320 new process. This is a family. And it really struck me. 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:32.599 It struck me like, am I being present? Am I 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:34.880 the dad I want to be? Am I the husband 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:36.440 I want to be when I come home? And how 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:40.120 am I letting these outside forces impact an influence who 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:41.680 I am and who I want to be, and how 0:04:41.720 --> 0:04:43.719 I want my energy to show up. So I just 0:04:43.720 --> 0:04:45.599 talking to a friend of mine and he said, it's 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:47.400 a great line. He said, I have a worry tree. 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.520 I said, what's a worry tree? So well, I come home, 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:52.800 I put my hand on this tree right outside my house. 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:55.440 All my worries flowed up into the tree, into the universe. 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:57.400 And then I walk in my house and I said 0:04:57.400 --> 0:05:00.720 to him, I don't have one of those trees. Where 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:05.320 do I get right? Yeah, but I did use that philosophically. 0:05:06.279 --> 0:05:08.520 When I'm in the car, I go silent. I don't 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:11.040 listen to music anymore. I've tried to find some peace 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:13.520 and silence. If I'm frustrated, I how at the moon. 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:15.880 If I need an outlet, I call a friend. But 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.520 that time is my time to decompress, because when I 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:21.400 walk in that house, I want to be the best 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.159 version of myself. I love hearing that. Often what happens 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:26.800 is I think we carry that from the car into 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:29.520 the home, and then we expect someone at home to 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:33.720 carry it. Or like you experienced, you were just lashing 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:36.440 out in your own space, and then your wife or 0:05:36.480 --> 0:05:39.440 your kids, they were experiencing that energy. And it reminds 0:05:39.480 --> 0:05:41.640 me recently. The first thing I thought about when you 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:44.440 were saying that is England losing in the final of 0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:48.119 the Euros. And what was fascinating to me is that 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:53.120 the city of London looked terrible even before the game, 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:56.839 so it wasn't even that we lost. And then everyone 0:05:57.000 --> 0:05:58.520 chuck trash on the ground. It was like there was 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:01.040 already trash on the ground, and then it got worse 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:04.560 and worse and worse and it's incredible. How you know. 0:06:04.600 --> 0:06:07.520 I've seen studies that show how like domestic abuse rises 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.520 when England loses and even when they win, and so 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:13.440 you can see that these issues that you're talking about. 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:16.159 For you, it was just the experience of your wife 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:19.280 noticing you feeling angry and stomping your feet. But some 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:22.040 of these things can get quite extreme when we're dissatisfied 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.560 and when we're disappointed with our lives. Yeah, no, I 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:26.479 think you're right. It reminds me of a great story 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:30.440 in Camden, New Jersey, which is arguably the most violent 0:06:30.520 --> 0:06:32.919 city in America, and a good friend of mine in 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:36.000 twenty twelve was named police chief. Name is Scott Thompson. 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:39.839 Incredible guy and he had a very different philosophy on 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:45.000 people in policing. And he would put all the police 0:06:45.040 --> 0:06:47.240 officers in the back of a swat vehicle driving around 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:48.680 and dropman quarters. He said, Hey, if you have to 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:50.640 go to the bathroom, you better get to know the neighbors. 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:53.040 If you're hungry, I hope you know who's a good 0:06:53.040 --> 0:06:54.680 cook on the flock, because I'm picking you up in 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:57.120 twelve hours, so good luck. What he was saying was 0:06:57.120 --> 0:07:00.920 was we have to be part of this community, part 0:07:00.960 --> 0:07:03.440 of the fabric of the community. And so the police 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:05.559 officers started to get it. They started to reclaim the streets. 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:07.599 They started to roll back the open air drug markets, 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:09.960 so instead of fifty, there were now two, so they're contained. 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:12.600 They add an infrastructure in it so they could be smarter, 0:07:13.120 --> 0:07:17.760 some great technology, and then unfortunately, a young teenager was 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:22.000 killed by stray bullet from some gang nonsense. And so 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:23.720 they came in two in the morning on a Saturday 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:27.000 morning or Sunday morning, and also tennants were saying the 0:07:27.040 --> 0:07:29.680 same thing. Let's break out the swat, let's go get them, 0:07:29.800 --> 0:07:31.680 Let's do what we have to do. And he says, no, 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:34.160 I don't think that's the right answer. And they said, 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:36.120 let's lock down, let's go door to door, let's find 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:39.320 who did this. And so he sent everybody home three 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:40.640 in the morning, and he walked over to a seven 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:44.119 eleven and got an ice cream. Imagine three in the morning, 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:47.960 and he went back to his office and he went 0:07:47.960 --> 0:07:50.040 into this a little safe where they keep money that 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:53.280 they take when they arrest somebody, and he ordered two 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:58.000 ice cream trucks, and the next day they drove trucks. 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:00.560 The next day he drove these two trucks on both 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:03.120 ends of the street because people just retreating to their 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:05.200 house and there's violence, and he had the police officers 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:09.160 give out free ice cream for an entire day. To me, 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:12.520 that's and by the way, crime is down sixty five 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:16.160 murderate is down forty eight percent, and so can you 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.720 Is it because of the ice cream? No, it's because 0:08:18.760 --> 0:08:21.920 his intention is to love people. His intention is to 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:26.280 have the community, have the citizens control their destiny and 0:08:26.360 --> 0:08:29.400 get it back. I just again that the notion of 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:31.120 my wife if I pick up a phone and I'm 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:34.640 talking to her saying like, I'll wait. You know, do 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:36.760 we have people in our lives that will tell us 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:38.520 the truth? They love us enough to tell us the 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:41.080 truth and give us feedback so we can stay present. 0:08:41.280 --> 0:08:43.360 If you're a police chief in a really dangerous city, 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:46.120 how are you going to be like, how are you 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:48.760 going to change the world? Because the reality is is 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:51.320 like we keep throwing the same solutions at the same 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.760 problems and nothing's changing. You said something really important day, 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:56.439 you said that, you know, we need to surround ourselves 0:08:56.480 --> 0:08:57.960 with people who can be honest with us and tell 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:00.160 us the truth. But we also have to be to 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:02.600 receive that. Often a lot of us have people in 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:04.600 our lives that are honest with us. I'm sure there's 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:07.520 many people's wives or husbands or partners or kids that 0:09:07.559 --> 0:09:09.800 have looked them in the face and said, I need 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:13.400 you to think differently about your life. What have you 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:17.000 done differently on the receiving end of that feedback, and 0:09:17.040 --> 0:09:22.360 how have you processed that feedback uniquely so that you 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.319 don't retaliate with your ego or your insecurity of like, well, 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:27.760 you don't know how hard I'm working. You don't know 0:09:27.760 --> 0:09:29.319 how hard it is to run a team and do 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:32.560 this and start, you know, start noting down all your 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:34.960 wins and all your achievements. How do you do that 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:38.880 without ego? I think that a common language helps. In 0:09:39.000 --> 0:09:41.360 our house, if you walked into our house and you 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:43.800 were leaving the back door, you would see API assume 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:46.640 positive intent. The letters API etched into stone outside of 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:50.720 our house. All of our daughters have API carved into rocks, 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:54.640 sitting on their dressers and every chot we have chalkboards 0:09:54.640 --> 0:09:56.880 in our house. It's a house of girls and there's 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:59.559 API written on every single one of them. So that's 0:09:59.559 --> 0:10:03.319 assumed positive intent. We also use the term palms up, 0:10:03.400 --> 0:10:06.720 meaning you're literally your palms are up. I'm open to listening, 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:11.000 learning and loving. I'm not closed off, frustrated. I don't 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:15.040 know everything. I haven't solved every problem. I'm palms up. 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:16.959 And so if there's an issue, if there's an issue 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:19.240 in our house, if there's an issue at work, an 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:21.880 executive Mike Kim and say Scott because they know I'm 0:10:21.960 --> 0:10:25.720 very emotional, Scott, I need you, Api, and I need 0:10:25.760 --> 0:10:27.880 your palms up. And what they're saying to me in 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:31.200 their own way is I know you're emotional. I know 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:34.320 you're very competitive, I know you're very driven. I know 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:37.240 you want to quote unquote win. But what I need 0:10:37.480 --> 0:10:40.560 is I need your ideas. I need your love, I 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:43.120 need your understanding, and I need your solutions. So come 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:45.520 play with me. And so that's helped me the most 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:50.320 can overcome my own human fraility of emotion and ego 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:52.760 and all that other crap that doesn't allow us to 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:55.080 be the best version of ourselves. I love that Sorry 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.440 you talk by them the book obviously, Api, I thought 0:10:57.440 --> 0:10:59.520 that was beautiful. I'm going to stop putting that in 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:03.040 my office. Is inspired by you and sharing that with everyone. 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:05.520 I mean, I absolutely love that when I've read about it, 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:08.880 and just for anyone who missed it, assume positive intent. 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:11.480 I think that is such an incredible way to live. 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:13.319 How did you learn to live that way? I'm sure 0:11:13.360 --> 0:11:16.280 you've had experiences where you've assumed positive atten and people 0:11:16.280 --> 0:11:18.959 have taken advantage of you, and or people came in 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:22.280 with malicious intent, or people came in How did you 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:25.240 continue to practice that? I think a lot of people 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:28.320 who are listening, they'll be thinking, right now, I love that, 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:31.280 but too many people have taken advantage of me. Sure, 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:33.480 how have you continued to do that throughout your career 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:37.720 in family and profession. It's such a different way to 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:39.880 go through life. I would say, when you have that 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.400 one finger pointing out, you've got these three pointing right 0:11:42.400 --> 0:11:45.400 back at you. And I love to spend more time 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:47.600 focusing on the guy in the mirror. We spend so 0:11:47.720 --> 0:11:52.000 much time blaming or assigning blame, or looking for excuses 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:56.040 or finding ten reasons why I can't or this guy 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:58.640 took advantage of me, or this woman was too nasty, 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:00.480 and how can I assume positive and she was mean? 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:03.160 Soon pasta has nothing to do with her attitude. It 0:12:03.200 --> 0:12:05.880 has nothing to do with how malicious he is, has 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.160 all to do with me, because I am in control, 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:11.440 I have the right intentions. Again, I perfectly say this. 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:13.720 I'm not I'm not perfectly perfect in this area, of course, 0:12:14.240 --> 0:12:17.080 but I'm leaving living my best self. I'm giving you 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:19.439 the benefit of the doubt every time. What's the alternative? 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:21.840 The alternative is is that Jay, you said something I 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:24.640 didn't like last week, or I was in church and 0:12:24.679 --> 0:12:26.719 a woman was up talking and she said something I 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:31.080 didn't like, or my sister took my shirt, or my 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:33.040 teacher I got a bad grade on a test, And 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:35.600 so what does that do? Well, Well, Jay, I don't 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:37.200 want to talk to you. Next time I talk to you. 0:12:37.240 --> 0:12:39.000 When you come in, I'm walking out the door. Your 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:42.200 boss sends you a text and immediately your blood pressure rises. 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.400 That is not a great way to any sort of success. 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.640 It just isn't personally, and how you go through the 0:12:48.679 --> 0:12:52.520 life and life is better, You're happier, you're more grounded, 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:55.240 the interactions are better. But we've all been up tight 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:57.640 with that one person, right, that one person that gets 0:12:57.640 --> 0:12:59.720 your goat, you know, for a teenage girls or mother 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:02.880 like your mother can say anything. You have three teenage daughters. 0:13:03.600 --> 0:13:05.800 The mother can say, hey, do you mind grabbing that 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.679 sweatshirt off off the stairs? What? Mom? Because I'm a mask, 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:11.320 because I can't clean my room. We're like, no, I 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:14.040 just wanted to grab the sweatshirts. There's no one trips 0:13:14.080 --> 0:13:16.240 on it. Yeah, I've got an awful story about that. 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:19.640 I'm gonna share it. It's completely on the edge. Okay, 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:22.240 So I haven't. My oldest daughter is Alexa. She's twenty 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:25.400 one years old. And when she and she's wonderful. When 0:13:25.440 --> 0:13:28.080 she was a teenager, she wasn't so wonderful. She was 0:13:28.120 --> 0:13:31.679 always wonderful, but not wonderful with her mother. And amazingly, 0:13:31.720 --> 0:13:36.000 I have this wife who's just terrific. She is balanced 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:41.360 and smart and driven and intellectually curious and tough and strong, 0:13:41.559 --> 0:13:46.280 and she's just wonderful. Those two together. When my daughter 0:13:46.320 --> 0:13:48.720 was a teenager, she wasn't so wonderful. Okay. So I 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:50.640 would walk in the house and I'd be like, they 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:52.600 would be arguing over nothing, and I would say, can 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:57.000 you too just go away? Just separate, Like I'd two 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:59.720 wonderful people just oil and water and argued about everything 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:02.600 for nothing, and so one particular Thanksgiving, I've never told 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:06.160 the story publicly. It's gonna be awesome. One particular Thanksgiving, 0:14:06.240 --> 0:14:07.960 my mom was there and my sister, and my sister's 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:09.400 a single mom with her son, and they're in the 0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:11.800 kitchen roll making potatoes and all the stuffing and all 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:16.680 this stuff, and Lisa sounds something like this, Alexa, get 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.040 downstairs and get your clothes off the stairs. And I'm 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:20.640 like looking at her like, I don't know, I don't 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:22.160 think I've ever heard of raise your voice. This is 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:26.800 gonna be awesome. And Alexa says, Mom, what did you say. 0:14:26.920 --> 0:14:28.920 I'm like, oh, boy, here we go. Now my mother 0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:32.000 is here. So I kind of look at my mom 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:37.120 like I love you. Sorry. So they go back and forth. 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:38.920 Get down here right now, she goes, you want me 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.800 to come here right now? Yes, right there, get down 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:45.760 the stairs, right down, mom. I'm like, she walks down 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:50.400 the stairs, not a single article of clothing on, completely naked, 0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:54.600 walks down the stairs, picks up the clothes, looks my 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:58.280 wife dead in the eye, turns around and walks upstairs. 0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:03.240 And the only thing my mother could muster say is well, 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:09.000 she is confident hunt now in that particular story, nobody's 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:12.400 assuming positive intent. Yeah except for my mother. Yeah, I'm 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:17.120 not you know, I'm like, Lisa, stop, Alexa, just stop. 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:20.080 And they're not with each other. And I wonder, like, 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:22.720 how many interactions like that do we have in our 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:26.240 lives that we can change and fix by worrying about us, 0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:28.320 not that people we're dealing with give them the benefit 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.520 of doubt. Clear your head, going empty headed and ready 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:34.240 to engage into conversations. Yeah, thank you for taking us 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:38.000 that because I'm so glad you told that story, because 0:15:38.000 --> 0:15:41.280 we always assume that we have positive intent. So often 0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:43.840 we assume in any given scenario, I've got good intentions. 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:46.280 Everyone else I don't know so sure about. But the 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:48.680 example you just told us, no one had good no 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:50.680 intenia buffing a mother, as you say, And I can't 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:52.840 unsee that as a dad, just so yes, yeah, I'll 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:54.640 never unsee that. And I love that idea of when 0:15:54.680 --> 0:15:57.840 you think you're stopping someone, you think that's a positive intention, 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:01.000 but actually there's something much deeper happened. And one thing 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:03.080 that you said that I was literally talking about this 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:06.600 morning with a friend was the idea of why we're 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.240 so addicted to the news, and I was speaking about 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:10.560 this with someone. I was saying, the reason we're so 0:16:10.600 --> 0:16:12.760 addicted to the news is because it makes us believe 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:15.160 the problem is out there. It makes us believe the 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:18.720 problems over here, the issues over here, the challenge is 0:16:18.760 --> 0:16:21.680 over there, that that place, that country, they've got issues. 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:24.920 It stops you from having to actually take a look 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:26.680 at the person in the mirror, as you said, yes, 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:28.720 and it just keeps telling you everything's going on out there, 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:30.960 all the problems, all the enemies, all the challenges are 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:33.240 all out there, and let's be scared of out there. 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:36.080 But you then never get a chance to say, well, 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:37.600 what am I going to work on today? You know? 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:40.760 What do I need to I feel like that with 0:16:41.000 --> 0:16:43.320 my friends that live all over the world is if 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:46.240 we had, you know, something happens, Is it really dangerous there? 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:47.920 I'm like, you know, Or I talked to a friend 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:51.600 in Jerusalem and I'll say, is everything okay? So like, yeah, 0:16:51.800 --> 0:16:53.360 now there was a bombing, it was last week, it 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:56.720 was tuesday, you know, you know. Or my friends in 0:16:56.800 --> 0:16:59.240 China they're like, is it really bad there? I'm like, no, 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:02.680 it's actually wonderful here. It's really interesting. Yeah, those snippets 0:17:02.720 --> 0:17:04.920 of news are impacting us and influencing us. Yeah, and 0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:07.080 again I'm not saying don't wants to news be informed. 0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:11.000 I'm you're saying that that mentality for sure. Of what 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:15.919 you were saying, getting lost in blame discontent, Yes, feeling 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:18.280 like the issues there. There are issues there, of course, 0:17:18.280 --> 0:17:20.520 the rare. But as you were saying, it's about starting 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:22.280 with us. I wanted to tell you a little bit 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:24.840 I was telling you before that I was in Mozambique, 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:26.480 which is one of the it's the third poorest country 0:17:26.480 --> 0:17:31.879 in the world. Wow, terrible employment rates, abject poverty. I 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:33.639 went over there with my seventeen year old daughter here 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.359 to help build a school, this incredible organization called Heffy 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:38.639 h f Y. I don't have any discernible skills. I 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:41.399 can barely hold a hammer. I am worthless around the house. 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:46.000 That makes me feel a lot better. Okay, good, nothing, Kay. 0:17:46.520 --> 0:17:49.840 My wife's a million times better. That's really humbling. And 0:17:49.920 --> 0:17:51.600 my father, my father in law, grew up you know, 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:55.520 building houses, so bad stories not thrown up anyway. Nonetheless, 0:17:55.560 --> 0:17:57.840 I meant this work site, construction site. The former doesn't 0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:00.919 speak English and I don't speak Geese. And you know, 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.639 to any of the teenagers were with, and so I 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:06.360 volunteer for unskilled labor. I'm thinking, like, that's the safest place. 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:08.080 Put me in a cement mixing. So I'm in this 0:18:08.119 --> 0:18:12.000 little cement mixing area and mixing cement. I mean it's 0:18:12.000 --> 0:18:14.760 not hard, but it's simple. It's you know, you carry 0:18:14.760 --> 0:18:18.000 these hundred and ten pound bags of cement one hundred yards. 0:18:18.320 --> 0:18:21.760 You drop four for every two wheelbarrows of sand you 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:24.679 put in, and you mix water. And I'm nine hours, 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:27.640 okay of doing this. I'm thinking like there's a lot 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:29.720 of things going through my mind and I can barely 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:33.199 sit still for ten minutes, and it's hard work. And 0:18:33.240 --> 0:18:35.720 I just kept thinking about the water and how that 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:39.960 might be reflective of us, because if you put too 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:42.520 much water in a cement, spense worthless. It just runs 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:45.400 away and it becomes nothing. And if you don't put 0:18:45.560 --> 0:18:49.160 enough water into that cement, it becomes hard as also worthless. 0:18:49.720 --> 0:18:53.119 And I thought about that in relation to us. It's like, 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:55.879 what are those things in our lives that we do 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:58.320 too much of? You know, the simple ones when you're 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:00.679 talking to teenagers are really simple. It's like put your 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:03.159 phone down, stop with the social media, enough for the 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:07.919 TikTok videos it might be, And then what aren't we 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:11.359 doing enough of? Are we spending time intentionally meditating or 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:13.960 praying or reading scriptures if that's something that you do. 0:19:14.880 --> 0:19:16.760 Are you taking care of your body? Are you taking 0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:19.960