WEBVTT - “I DON’T BELIEVE IN REALITY” 

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<v Speaker 1>Hello, Hello, it's your name?

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<v Speaker 2>You want to you wanna name me?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I'm gonna name you Kevin. What's going on, Kevin?

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<v Speaker 3>Hi?

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<v Speaker 2>Uh? Not much. I am just nothing time a lot lately,

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<v Speaker 2>painting and making music pretty much. That's all I'm doing.

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<v Speaker 1>What was the first thing you said?

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<v Speaker 2>Painting and doing music?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh? What have you been painting?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm painting this figure that looks like it has a

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<v Speaker 2>chrome in front of a field of flowers. I don't

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know how to describe it. It's uh, it's blindfolded,

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<v Speaker 2>it's shiny, it's pretty red and blue and green.

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<v Speaker 1>What made you want to get into painting?

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<v Speaker 2>Burnout? Total burnout? And the doctor said, like, maybe I

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<v Speaker 2>should give a painting and try because I was pitching

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<v Speaker 2>a lot about painters.

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<v Speaker 1>You were bitching a lot about painters.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like I don't get it, Like,

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<v Speaker 2>is it something that that like? Is it very classiest?

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<v Speaker 2>To me at that time? You know, like only you

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<v Speaker 2>had to be like in a certain personality like hipsters

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<v Speaker 2>to be a painter. And I didn't understood it.

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<v Speaker 1>I have so many questions for you. You why did you

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<v Speaker 1>like how did you even get on that topic with

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<v Speaker 1>your doctor, Like, I, okay, I understand. Here's the thing.

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<v Speaker 1>I understand, through some stream of consciousness, you arrive at

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<v Speaker 1>the thought that painters are pretentious and it's classes to paint.

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<v Speaker 1>I understand you arrive at that in your stream of consciousness,

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<v Speaker 1>like when you're just taking a walk or whatever. But

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<v Speaker 1>how did you get from that point to your now

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<v Speaker 1>verbalizing it to your doctor.

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<v Speaker 2>Dude, It's been such a long journey for that, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>The burnout was just like a bunch of things that

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<v Speaker 2>happened at the same time, and somehow painting got in

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<v Speaker 2>the way and became a tool that I, like, I

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<v Speaker 2>was really a perfection and so I wasn't this big

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<v Speaker 2>take job before doing like one hundred thousands of dollars

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<v Speaker 2>a year and all that nonsense of corporate run. And

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<v Speaker 2>then I kind of broke down and I had this impression,

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<v Speaker 2>and then he kind of convinced me that I should

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<v Speaker 2>give it a try, that there's maybe something into it.

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<v Speaker 2>And I took I took come to I took up

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<v Speaker 2>his uh, his advice, I guess, and I give it

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<v Speaker 2>a try. And then I discovered a lot of things

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<v Speaker 2>during that moment where I was not thinking and then

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<v Speaker 2>I realized stuff. Since and it's been two years, I'm thinking, now.

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<v Speaker 1>You burned out so bad that you had to go

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<v Speaker 1>to a doctor about it?

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<v Speaker 2>Is what I Yeah, I have a psychiatrist. You had

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<v Speaker 2>a what I have a psychiatrist?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh okay this did your psychiatrist told you this?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>What was the moment? What was like the straw that

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<v Speaker 1>broke the camel's back? What was the thing that made

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<v Speaker 1>you go, okay, I have to like seek medical attention

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<v Speaker 1>for this.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, at the beginning, it was like little things. To

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<v Speaker 2>be honest, like I then went to the doctor right

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<v Speaker 2>away when I had a burnout. It kind of became

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<v Speaker 2>a burner while I was seeing a doctor, and before

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<v Speaker 2>it was just a therapist before evolving to a psychiatrist.

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<v Speaker 2>And I thought I had like some disorder or something

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<v Speaker 2>because I had this intensity of doing things that they

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<v Speaker 2>are so neat that I have to be all the way.

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<v Speaker 2>And like I was asking myself some questions like Okay, no,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not normal. I think like if I compare myself

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<v Speaker 2>to the others, I kind of need to. I don't know,

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<v Speaker 2>like there's a balance that it's not working out anymore today,

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<v Speaker 2>And before it kind of worked out, like I was

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<v Speaker 2>excelling at things that was really good. I'm making money,

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<v Speaker 2>I was happy doing a bunch of shit. I had family,

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<v Speaker 2>my girlfriend and dog and even a car one and

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<v Speaker 2>I was lining up to get a house and shit,

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<v Speaker 2>and then everything can broke down at the same time

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<v Speaker 2>when I was asking my sort real question after those

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<v Speaker 2>first indicators of me thinking there's something wrong with me.

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<v Speaker 1>So you had the kind of traditional, picturesque life that

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<v Speaker 1>is afforded to you by a tech job, and then

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<v Speaker 1>you started to break down, and then you started asking

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<v Speaker 1>yourself the real questions. What are the real questions?

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know what the fuck I'm doing on this

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<v Speaker 2>perasment or whatever this is, Like I don't believe in

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<v Speaker 2>reality right.

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<v Speaker 1>Now as we're talking, you don't believe in reality.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I know, I steal it. I know it's crazy

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<v Speaker 2>talking shit, but deep down, like if people are believing

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<v Speaker 2>things like FAI the universe or whatever, I'm believing this

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<v Speaker 2>reality is not it is. There's more than this, Like, Ei,

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<v Speaker 2>there's something weird going on.

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<v Speaker 1>What do you think is going on?

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know, Like, didn't you feel something is weird?

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<v Speaker 2>Like definitely there's something where we're definitely under this thing

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<v Speaker 2>that we have to accept but we don't really have to,

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<v Speaker 2>but we're still doing it. And I don't get it, Like,

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<v Speaker 2>why are people not being more angry towards the things

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<v Speaker 2>that are happening more just letting the things happen? You know?

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<v Speaker 2>I know that, like I know, disrespect to people, striking

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<v Speaker 2>and movements and organization, all of that. But after forty

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<v Speaker 2>years on this planet, ude, I don't see much change.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't like getting worse. Like, can you continue the opposite?

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<v Speaker 1>Could you do me a favorite? I don't know if I'm

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<v Speaker 1>on the speakerphone or if I'm on a headset or anything,

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<v Speaker 1>but if i am, can you take me off?

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<v Speaker 2>No? No, no, you're not, like I mean my room,

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<v Speaker 2>Like I made.

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<v Speaker 1>Sure you're you're you're holding you're holding your phone right

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<v Speaker 1>up to your ear. Yeah, dude, okay, hmm okay. Well,

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<v Speaker 1>well you said a lot of things. I mean, the

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<v Speaker 1>thing about whether or not things are going to get

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<v Speaker 1>worse we could talk about, but ah, crap, you you

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<v Speaker 1>had a point that I really wanted to touch on.

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<v Speaker 1>You said, the people accept that. What do you like,

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<v Speaker 1>what do you think people are blindly accepting that? Your

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<v Speaker 1>brain is telling you to challenge.

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<v Speaker 2>Like, if I have to put it in one word,

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<v Speaker 2>it's freaking catch it o't dude, it's a it's a

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<v Speaker 2>it's a joke. It's like money is fake. Like I

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<v Speaker 2>know we can do things with it and make the world,

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<v Speaker 2>girrun it or whatever, but we are proving decades that's

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<v Speaker 2>the decades and it's been maybe a few centuries now

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<v Speaker 2>that it's not helping everyone and just the one. Like

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<v Speaker 2>you know, war theory like game theory, like war game theory,

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<v Speaker 2>the sooner the first who defects is the one who's

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<v Speaker 2>gaining everything, you know, Like if everybody coperates but one defects,

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<v Speaker 2>that guy's a winner.

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<v Speaker 1>M hmm.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that's what's happening today.

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<v Speaker 1>And you quit a job that I was making you

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of money.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, I'm not going to disclose the terms of

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<v Speaker 2>my employment right now. But I didn't quit.

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<v Speaker 1>You didn't quit, No, And are you still working as

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<v Speaker 1>hard as much as you were working before.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna be honest with you, like I've been very

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<v Speaker 2>lucky to learn a very good job, and I have

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<v Speaker 2>these private insurance now that are taking care of me.

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<v Speaker 2>While I figured.

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<v Speaker 1>You said you have private insurance.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, while I figured this out.

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<v Speaker 1>Interesting, Okay, So it's so so you believe because we're

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<v Speaker 1>talking about a lot of things because I think on

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<v Speaker 1>one end, you're just talking you're talking about like, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>from a from a point of view that's grounded in

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<v Speaker 1>this reality and in the acceptance that reality does exist,

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<v Speaker 1>and we're looking at society. We're saying that capitalism is

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<v Speaker 1>like the thing that people people shouldn't be accepting. There's

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of different conversations. I'm trying to reel you

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<v Speaker 1>in on I guess one particular thing because now then

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<v Speaker 1>then then we're on like a metaphysical level where you're like,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not even sure reality exists. So so let's go

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<v Speaker 1>there first. No you no, No, you're not confusing me at all.

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<v Speaker 1>You're just you're getting everything out and I'm trying to

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<v Speaker 1>kind of boil it down. So what is it what's

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<v Speaker 1>going on day to day that makes you think reality

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<v Speaker 1>might not exist?

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<v Speaker 2>Everything's kind of obvious, Everything is kind of scripted, Everything

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<v Speaker 2>is kind of it's kind of easy to read, like

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<v Speaker 2>to understand everything, and like a little bit predictable to

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<v Speaker 2>a point that it's kind of like is there a

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<v Speaker 2>joke being pulled onto? That's that's what makes me feel

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<v Speaker 2>like reality is wonky, Like I don't understand where some

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<v Speaker 2>people are not able to see the path that you

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<v Speaker 2>need to take to be able to be better, which

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<v Speaker 2>is extremely paradoxical with what I'm doing right now. But

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<v Speaker 2>when people talk to me about whatever's happening in their lives,

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<v Speaker 2>I feel everything is the same as everybody else, and

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<v Speaker 2>I get like, why are they not trying to do

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<v Speaker 2>something else too? They're just like letting everything happen, Like.

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<v Speaker 1>You feel like everyone around you is like letting life

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<v Speaker 1>happen to them.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's a good way to

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<v Speaker 2>put it.

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<v Speaker 1>That's less Okay, No, Well, well you're feeling existential and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm trying to tap into whatever your existential feelings are

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm trying to understand them.

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<v Speaker 2>Well maybe, yeah, it would help you to understand that

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<v Speaker 2>I lost my whole support system, like my founding and

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<v Speaker 2>all that stuff, and I had to like understand why

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<v Speaker 2>I had to do that, and like, you know, when

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<v Speaker 2>you know about nurture and environment and how I can

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<v Speaker 2>deal someone and when their kids will it's just saying

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<v Speaker 2>my founding is not good. And I was part of

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<v Speaker 2>that for too long without realizing it until one point

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<v Speaker 2>I realized it, which is part of the burn up shit.

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<v Speaker 2>So I don't have support system, like and one of

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<v Speaker 2>those people who kind of like find their new identity

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<v Speaker 2>and during this split splitting of a personality and all

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<v Speaker 2>that stuff, like you have to go through these weird places,

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<v Speaker 2>you know.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you said you're forty. Yeah, And how long ago

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<v Speaker 1>did your family support system dissipate.

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<v Speaker 4>Officially?

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<v Speaker 2>Like like like when I did the action, not when

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<v Speaker 2>I started to try to you know, there's a moment

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<v Speaker 2>where I started to acknowledge it and talk about it

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<v Speaker 2>and try to work it out. It's been a long period.

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<v Speaker 2>And then after that I made an action and then

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<v Speaker 2>never came back from it. And that's been like going

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<v Speaker 2>to be two years this December.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay. And the way you're talking about these people, it

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't sound like they died. It sounds like you cut

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<v Speaker 1>them off. Yeah, And are they these were these your

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<v Speaker 1>parents and siblings or were these Yeah? Were these parents

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<v Speaker 1>and sibling siblings?

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<v Speaker 2>Siblings and parents that did direct family? My family migrated

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<v Speaker 2>here from another country after like the leadership and whatever,

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<v Speaker 2>and then they made me and then they moved out

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<v Speaker 2>of this country.

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<v Speaker 1>And here I am and uh are you? Are you

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<v Speaker 1>able to explain what it is that made you want

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<v Speaker 1>to cut your family off?

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<v Speaker 2>I started to explore my queer sign and that's where

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<v Speaker 2>I started realizing that my family is not really in

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<v Speaker 2>that way, and actually they are much more of the

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<v Speaker 2>other way. And they're quite bullieved and classic people with

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<v Speaker 2>with way too much money in their hands, you know

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<v Speaker 2>what to do with it and tend them like into

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<v Speaker 2>back people, and they were so poor before. And I

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<v Speaker 2>don't get it.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, I'm sorry, man, Can you try to try to

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<v Speaker 1>speak a little bit clear into the into the phone.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm having a little bit of trouble here in you.

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<v Speaker 2>Sorry, dude, Sorry, dude. So my family doesn't like queer

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<v Speaker 2>people basically, and they're really against it.

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<v Speaker 1>Mm hmm. And did you have a conversation with them

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<v Speaker 1>or you like you came out to them essentially? Uh?

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<v Speaker 2>Well, yeah, yeah, no I did. It was like, it's

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<v Speaker 2>a funny question because people would imagine that when you

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<v Speaker 2>ask a question, you you go through this scene where

0:13:45.640 --> 0:13:47.679
<v Speaker 2>you tell your family, hey, this is what's happening, but

0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:49.839
<v Speaker 2>the bland. Then you talk about it. I didn't get

0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:52.480
<v Speaker 2>to to to do that. I like, I tried to

0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:54.600
<v Speaker 2>get to that scene, and then then it got bad

0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:56.880
<v Speaker 2>ready even before I got there, And so then I

0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:59.680
<v Speaker 2>decided to cut the bombs and enduring that was cutting

0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:01.640
<v Speaker 2>the bonds if I did that a bit of a speech,

0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:04.520
<v Speaker 2>I said who I was, what I was picking from them,

0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:06.440
<v Speaker 2>and why I was putting them to focus.

0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:12.160
<v Speaker 1>And even before that, it sounds like you had some

0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:14.079
<v Speaker 1>tensions with them.

0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:18.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, I know. It's very sad what poor education

0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:21.440
<v Speaker 2>can do to a family who had to flee a

0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:24.560
<v Speaker 2>country and then just have full of PTSD and bad

0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:27.280
<v Speaker 2>parents on their own can get pretty violent.

0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:33.160
<v Speaker 1>Poor education meaning that your parents were poorly educated.

0:14:34.440 --> 0:14:38.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah mm hmm. Yeah, I'm just saying that. You know,

0:14:38.560 --> 0:14:41.000
<v Speaker 2>there were bad parents, but I know why.

0:14:41.920 --> 0:14:46.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, was anyone you have siblings, right, how many siblings

0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:47.040
<v Speaker 1>do you have?

0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:49.640
<v Speaker 2>Two of them older?

0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:55.720
<v Speaker 1>Were any of them supportive or everyone was against this?

0:14:57.360 --> 0:14:58.480
<v Speaker 2>Everybody was against this.

0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:07.040
<v Speaker 1>So this happened two years ago, and but the whole

0:15:07.080 --> 0:15:10.680
<v Speaker 1>but again, yeah, for the your whole life, you kind

0:15:10.680 --> 0:15:16.720
<v Speaker 1>of were there was contention with the family.

0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:20.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, But the thing is, you see, I didn't

0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:23.080
<v Speaker 2>really realize it at first, like a lot of things

0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:25.800
<v Speaker 2>get normalized, Like you know how a lot of Latinos

0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.080
<v Speaker 2>are saying, like getting hit by your mom is kind

0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:32.640
<v Speaker 2>of normal, but mm hmm, it's like it's really it

0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:35.080
<v Speaker 2>sucks to say that. It kind of is as long

0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:36.880
<v Speaker 2>as your family is still supported of you, you know,

0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:39.360
<v Speaker 2>like did you feel love from them? But I had

0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:40.920
<v Speaker 2>nothing of that. I only had discipline.

0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:45.680
<v Speaker 1>So you've been saying a lot of things that are

0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:51.880
<v Speaker 1>existential and I'm just gonna throw some I think I

0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:54.520
<v Speaker 1>still have more. I think there's still more to dive

0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:56.480
<v Speaker 1>in with you. But I'm just I'm just gonna say

0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:58.520
<v Speaker 1>some stuff and tell me if it resonates with you,

0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:06.080
<v Speaker 1>because like, well, okay, the existential feelings have they been having?

0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:08.960
<v Speaker 1>Have they come into your brain for the in the

0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:11.400
<v Speaker 1>past like a few years, like around the time that

0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:13.200
<v Speaker 1>your family you cut your family off?

0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:14.720
<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:20.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, because what happens Yeah go ahead, no, go ahead,

0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:25.960
<v Speaker 1>because what happens is is the dude, like you know,

0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.160
<v Speaker 1>when you walk, you know, when you're like walking down

0:16:28.200 --> 0:16:32.720
<v Speaker 1>the street, you're talking to someone and or like maybe

0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:34.600
<v Speaker 1>you see someone you're talking to someone and you're like, oh,

0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:37.440
<v Speaker 1>this person's never had an existential thought in their fucking life.

0:16:37.800 --> 0:16:44.760
<v Speaker 1>You know what I'm talking about. Yea, that's because their reality.

0:16:44.800 --> 0:16:48.040
<v Speaker 1>Like when you're you're questioning reality, right, because you're getting

0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:52.240
<v Speaker 1>disconnected from it, because you're losing the things that connect

0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:57.920
<v Speaker 1>you with reality. You get connected with reality via number one,

0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:00.480
<v Speaker 1>with by connecting with other people. It's the thing I

0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:04.080
<v Speaker 1>will connect you to reality deeper than fucking anything. That's

0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:06.760
<v Speaker 1>why when I had I had a crazy existential crisis,

0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:09.800
<v Speaker 1>and since then my relationship with my fucking family, my

0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:13.320
<v Speaker 1>friends is just like I'm like, that's the that just

0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:18.000
<v Speaker 1>connects me back into the fucking universe, right, And if

0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:22.119
<v Speaker 1>if that gets cut off and then you're alone with

0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:25.879
<v Speaker 1>your thoughts, and the other thing that connects you with

0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:29.919
<v Speaker 1>reality is some kind of like job or purpose or

0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.439
<v Speaker 1>goal or you know, you don't have fucking time to

0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:35.440
<v Speaker 1>think about the questions that you're thinking about because you're busy.

0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:38.040
<v Speaker 1>You gotta fucking answer emails and you got to check

0:17:38.160 --> 0:17:41.159
<v Speaker 1>the uh, the s and P. Five hundred and you

0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:43.879
<v Speaker 1>gotta do this. Then if you have your you know

0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:45.439
<v Speaker 1>your brand and your goals and you're like, Okay, I

0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:47.760
<v Speaker 1>gotta work to get this and then the other and

0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:51.399
<v Speaker 1>uh when that goes away, and when your relationships go away,

0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.240
<v Speaker 1>it's like you're in fucking outer space and the tether

0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:57.520
<v Speaker 1>has been cut and you're spinning and you're floating, and

0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:03.160
<v Speaker 1>you have nothing to do but think about big questions

0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:06.440
<v Speaker 1>that you that a lot of people, most the majority

0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:13.919
<v Speaker 1>of people are are are busy, are busy, like you know,

0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:16.200
<v Speaker 1>being with their friends and family and enjoying their lives,

0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:19.800
<v Speaker 1>or busy just trying to fucking survive on this planet,

0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:22.359
<v Speaker 1>that they're not thinking about those things. But when that

0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:24.880
<v Speaker 1>ship all goes away and you're just by yourself, yeah,

0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:30.880
<v Speaker 1>you're gonna start thinking those thoughts. And you know, it's

0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:36.400
<v Speaker 1>a it's sometimes a really beautiful place to be because

0:18:36.440 --> 0:18:41.399
<v Speaker 1>it's like, whoa, I never questioned any of this ship before. Uh,

0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:45.800
<v Speaker 1>And it's it's initially always a fucking terrifying place to be.

0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:48.880
<v Speaker 1>The day I had that ex the day I had

0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:51.360
<v Speaker 1>an existential crisis of one of the you know, two

0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:54.280
<v Speaker 1>worst days of my fucking life, is really terrifying. But

0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:58.080
<v Speaker 1>then I'm I don't know how you're feeling, but maybe

0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:01.159
<v Speaker 1>when you get into that place, you start having this

0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:04.919
<v Speaker 1>thought that you can't go back that you took up

0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:06.960
<v Speaker 1>help that you're at that you're not only floating in

0:19:07.000 --> 0:19:09.840
<v Speaker 1>out of space, but that you took the fucking helmet

0:19:09.880 --> 0:19:12.240
<v Speaker 1>off and now you're getting sucked into space and you

0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:14.600
<v Speaker 1>can't put it on. But the good news is that

0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:18.680
<v Speaker 1>you can. I believe that you you can.

0:19:20.640 --> 0:19:22.919
<v Speaker 2>So like, I don't want to sound alarmist, gig like

0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:23.359
<v Speaker 2>I'm I.

0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:25.719
<v Speaker 1>Don't think you're sounding alarmist. I don't think you're signing alarmist.

0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:26.679
<v Speaker 1>I'm just trying to relate to you.

0:19:26.800 --> 0:19:30.480
<v Speaker 2>Okay, cool, go ahead, Yeah, I'm just embracing this state

0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:32.639
<v Speaker 2>and I feel privilege to talk to you, and to

0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:34.480
<v Speaker 2>be honest, you spoke to so many people. I really

0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:36.720
<v Speaker 2>believe in that you're speaking up to a lot of people.

0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:39.000
<v Speaker 2>I had a career where I spend like seven years

0:19:39.000 --> 0:19:42.960
<v Speaker 2>doing surveys with a team of people for like review

0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:45.399
<v Speaker 2>of budget for like fystivals here in the province of

0:19:45.440 --> 0:19:48.960
<v Speaker 2>Quebec in Canada, and there's a lot of fucking fystibles

0:19:49.040 --> 0:19:50.960
<v Speaker 2>and I had to talk to a lot of people.

0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:54.119
<v Speaker 2>And that is fucking nice. You know, you get you

0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:57.040
<v Speaker 2>get to have this this. I get what you're saying.

0:19:57.040 --> 0:20:00.520
<v Speaker 2>But the problem is that I feel like it's when

0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:04.000
<v Speaker 2>we get to this space that I am today, like

0:20:04.240 --> 0:20:06.080
<v Speaker 2>seeing the things that I'm saying today is because the

0:20:06.119 --> 0:20:09.280
<v Speaker 2>world is like that, like why are we still like

0:20:09.400 --> 0:20:11.679
<v Speaker 2>doing war and stuff like that? Why are we stoping

0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:14.720
<v Speaker 2>for things that it was done so long ago? And

0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:18.600
<v Speaker 2>like I understand reparation all that stuff, but it's still

0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:22.280
<v Speaker 2>guiding actions and politics that we can't do much about it,

0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:24.479
<v Speaker 2>like we're trying to voast the thing. We're trying to

0:20:24.640 --> 0:20:27.480
<v Speaker 2>do all of that stuff, and like I'm very discouraged.

0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:29.479
<v Speaker 2>I feel like we need Jesus to come back, you know,

0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:32.240
<v Speaker 2>like that would be nice that you would come back,

0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:35.400
<v Speaker 2>Like that would be the best thing. But in the meantime,

0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:38.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, like why I'm here. I'm trying to find

0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:41.760
<v Speaker 2>a thing where like regardless if I connect to people

0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:43.720
<v Speaker 2>and not that makes sense. And the only thing that

0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:47.119
<v Speaker 2>I've been thinking about GEK is love and love is

0:20:47.200 --> 0:20:50.560
<v Speaker 2>like when I'm falling in love, everything goes well. But

0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:53.600
<v Speaker 2>of course, should I go back into that, you know,

0:20:53.640 --> 0:20:56.200
<v Speaker 2>like should I take it as a thing, Like it's

0:20:56.280 --> 0:20:58.159
<v Speaker 2>such a weird thing to think about it now with

0:20:58.280 --> 0:21:01.480
<v Speaker 2>this state than before, because you know, when you said earlier,

0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:04.320
<v Speaker 2>when there's somebody who never had like an existential crisis

0:21:04.320 --> 0:21:07.240
<v Speaker 2>in their life, like they never thought about how love

0:21:07.280 --> 0:21:11.200
<v Speaker 2>is influencing them to be happy. And yeah, I think

0:21:11.240 --> 0:21:13.159
<v Speaker 2>of that now, Like it's not just a thought that

0:21:13.240 --> 0:21:16.760
<v Speaker 2>came and no, it's like inhabiting. It's it's what's doing

0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:20.080
<v Speaker 2>me right now. It's not just a theory that I understand.

0:21:20.840 --> 0:21:23.960
<v Speaker 2>So I feel like I think, I think that's maybe

0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:26.520
<v Speaker 2>one of the reasons I'm saying that it's a trickery,

0:21:26.560 --> 0:21:28.959
<v Speaker 2>and like the universe would realize is a trickery because

0:21:29.240 --> 0:21:32.679
<v Speaker 2>as soon as love fades away, like everything changes, like

0:21:32.960 --> 0:21:33.800
<v Speaker 2>it's so different.

0:21:36.160 --> 0:21:38.400
<v Speaker 1>I got a lot of thoughts on what you said.

0:21:38.560 --> 0:21:40.679
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, by the way, when you say love, do

0:21:40.720 --> 0:21:43.880
<v Speaker 1>you mean love is like a I was like an

0:21:43.920 --> 0:21:46.320
<v Speaker 1>omnipotent force. So do you mean like romantic love?

0:21:48.720 --> 0:21:51.200
<v Speaker 2>Ah, that's a great question, dude. Can you help me out? Like,

0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:52.640
<v Speaker 2>I don't know, I.

0:21:52.600 --> 0:21:56.000
<v Speaker 1>Can't, I can't help you, well do you well, only

0:21:56.040 --> 0:21:57.920
<v Speaker 1>you know that only you know the answer to that question.

0:21:58.480 --> 0:22:00.760
<v Speaker 2>But that's my answer. I mean, like I I don't.

0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:02.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm not sure if it's one or the other right now.

0:22:02.720 --> 0:22:05.560
<v Speaker 1>Well, when you were thinking about it, you had something

0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:08.840
<v Speaker 1>in mind. Was what you had in mind a person

0:22:09.240 --> 0:22:10.760
<v Speaker 1>that you're romantically in love with.

0:22:12.119 --> 0:22:14.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but is it just an idea? And I feel

0:22:14.040 --> 0:22:16.080
<v Speaker 2>like it's just the idea of being in Okay.

0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:17.840
<v Speaker 1>Okay, so so what Yeah, so what you had in

0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:20.560
<v Speaker 1>mind was a romantic was romantic love? Okay, so that's

0:22:20.560 --> 0:22:24.040
<v Speaker 1>what you So that's what you meant, I think? Yeah, okay, okay,

0:22:24.480 --> 0:22:29.720
<v Speaker 1>So yeah that's deeply potent. I mean, uh, yeah, if

0:22:29.760 --> 0:22:33.680
<v Speaker 1>you're in love with someone and you care about them, yeah,

0:22:33.720 --> 0:22:35.520
<v Speaker 1>it takes you away. I mean similar to the friend

0:22:35.920 --> 0:22:41.240
<v Speaker 1>you fucking you can you can, Yeah, And you can

0:22:41.320 --> 0:22:44.800
<v Speaker 1>use that to mean love is an omnipotent force, because yeah,

0:22:44.800 --> 0:22:48.159
<v Speaker 1>when you're uh working out of love, yeah, you're not

0:22:48.400 --> 0:22:51.800
<v Speaker 1>stuck in existential whatever. If you're you know, with your

0:22:51.840 --> 0:22:55.520
<v Speaker 1>family or your friends, or like a romantic lover, or

0:22:55.560 --> 0:22:58.840
<v Speaker 1>doing something you love or or contributing to some mission

0:22:58.840 --> 0:23:00.840
<v Speaker 1>that you love or like loving your or whatever, then yeah,

0:23:00.880 --> 0:23:06.000
<v Speaker 1>that takes you away from the existential stuff. And just

0:23:06.240 --> 0:23:09.600
<v Speaker 1>like to and to your point, and it's part of

0:23:09.600 --> 0:23:13.520
<v Speaker 1>an existential crisis of when you kinda like look at, yeah,

0:23:13.560 --> 0:23:19.160
<v Speaker 1>the world at large and it's us. It's scary because

0:23:19.200 --> 0:23:24.239
<v Speaker 1>it's yes, it's scary because it's so uncertain and this

0:23:24.320 --> 0:23:27.280
<v Speaker 1>group of people that are alive today were experiencing things

0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:32.760
<v Speaker 1>that we didn't think we're gonna happen. I've said this

0:23:32.800 --> 0:23:34.760
<v Speaker 1>on this show before, and I really believe it. But

0:23:35.000 --> 0:23:45.520
<v Speaker 1>like throughout human history, this has happened before, you know,

0:23:45.640 --> 0:23:49.360
<v Speaker 1>I mean the we the fucking world was it war twice,

0:23:50.359 --> 0:23:53.119
<v Speaker 1>you know, and loong before that, there's been like crusades.

0:23:53.160 --> 0:23:55.159
<v Speaker 1>And I'm not a history guy. I can't like I

0:23:55.240 --> 0:23:57.040
<v Speaker 1>sit here and I can't sit here and name wars.

0:23:57.080 --> 0:24:03.560
<v Speaker 1>But like conflict, evolution and fear of the uncertainty is

0:24:03.920 --> 0:24:08.400
<v Speaker 1>not like the things themselves are new, but the feelings

0:24:08.520 --> 0:24:11.560
<v Speaker 1>are not. We're in a weird place. We're in a

0:24:11.600 --> 0:24:18.640
<v Speaker 1>weird place because like things evolve at a compounding exponential rate,

0:24:19.440 --> 0:24:24.240
<v Speaker 1>and we're at like a pretty strongly X. We're at

0:24:24.320 --> 0:24:28.280
<v Speaker 1>like a crazy exponential curve in society right now. So

0:24:28.320 --> 0:24:31.680
<v Speaker 1>I think we're uh feeling We might be feeling the

0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:36.680
<v Speaker 1>feelings in a greater amount of intensity than the newest

0:24:36.760 --> 0:24:42.000
<v Speaker 1>people are always going to feel the familiar feelings at

0:24:42.040 --> 0:24:44.960
<v Speaker 1>the highest amount of intensity that anyone's ever felt them,

0:24:45.320 --> 0:24:48.159
<v Speaker 1>because we're the newest people. But the feelings of this.

0:24:48.280 --> 0:24:50.600
<v Speaker 1>The feelings have been around forever. It's the intensity that

0:24:50.760 --> 0:24:53.040
<v Speaker 1>is just going to keep growing and growing and growing.

0:24:55.520 --> 0:25:00.680
<v Speaker 1>But the good news is is that what's your, Kevin.

0:25:00.880 --> 0:25:05.679
<v Speaker 1>The good news is that you, Kevin, don't have to

0:25:05.800 --> 0:25:09.480
<v Speaker 1>solve all of the world's problems on your own. You

0:25:09.720 --> 0:25:11.480
<v Speaker 1>like you, not only do you not, not only not only

0:25:11.520 --> 0:25:17.760
<v Speaker 1>do you not have to you you can't like you can't.

0:25:18.560 --> 0:25:24.920
<v Speaker 1>At a certain point, I think you have to accept

0:25:25.040 --> 0:25:29.600
<v Speaker 1>that which is beyond you. And the beautiful thing is

0:25:29.600 --> 0:25:33.199
<v Speaker 1>that once you accept that which is beyond you, you

0:25:33.240 --> 0:25:41.639
<v Speaker 1>can fully, beautifully dive into that into the opposite. You

0:25:41.720 --> 0:25:47.679
<v Speaker 1>dive into that which is within you, which is whatever

0:25:47.720 --> 0:25:52.200
<v Speaker 1>your expressions of love are via your relationships or your

0:25:52.520 --> 0:25:57.040
<v Speaker 1>painting or whatever the fuck it is. And that is

0:25:57.160 --> 0:26:04.040
<v Speaker 1>better than removing your brain from your body and and

0:26:04.080 --> 0:26:11.160
<v Speaker 1>trying to be God and take on the whole planet

0:26:11.280 --> 0:26:14.240
<v Speaker 1>at once. It's you can't. It's just not your job

0:26:15.040 --> 0:26:19.359
<v Speaker 1>to do everything at once. Your Your your job is

0:26:19.440 --> 0:26:27.479
<v Speaker 1>to dive in, really, really deeply into that which is

0:26:27.520 --> 0:26:30.280
<v Speaker 1>within you. And and by the way, if you if

0:26:30.320 --> 0:26:34.240
<v Speaker 1>you really care and you about uh, you know, if

0:26:34.240 --> 0:26:36.680
<v Speaker 1>you if you have groups of people you really care

0:26:36.680 --> 0:26:39.960
<v Speaker 1>about it. You have causes you really care about, uh

0:26:41.520 --> 0:26:43.760
<v Speaker 1>and things you really believe in that are like to

0:26:43.880 --> 0:26:49.160
<v Speaker 1>serve you know, these greater existential uh uh societal purposes.

0:26:49.720 --> 0:26:51.960
<v Speaker 1>Then you know, look, part of the diving deep into

0:26:52.000 --> 0:26:56.280
<v Speaker 1>what is within your control can be doing things that

0:26:56.280 --> 0:26:58.560
<v Speaker 1>that support those things that you love and care about.

0:26:58.600 --> 0:27:03.320
<v Speaker 1>That's part of like diving into your love. But but

0:27:03.400 --> 0:27:07.080
<v Speaker 1>you can't let it drive you into an existential insanity

0:27:07.080 --> 0:27:09.439
<v Speaker 1>because then you're no good to anyone, to the you know,

0:27:09.560 --> 0:27:11.359
<v Speaker 1>you know, good to yourself, and you gotta you gotta

0:27:11.400 --> 0:27:14.400
<v Speaker 1>be you gotta be good to your self.

0:27:14.640 --> 0:27:16.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you know, I'm gonna be honest, I'm pretty tired

0:27:17.000 --> 0:27:18.639
<v Speaker 2>of being this state, Like I want to move on

0:27:18.760 --> 0:27:19.040
<v Speaker 2>from it.

0:27:19.119 --> 0:27:20.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. It's exhaust horrible. It's exhausting.

0:27:21.600 --> 0:27:23.880
<v Speaker 2>It's so exhausting. Yeah, I had a lot of fun

0:27:23.920 --> 0:27:25.960
<v Speaker 2>at the beginning, you know, like it was like a

0:27:26.000 --> 0:27:28.320
<v Speaker 2>new drug. It was tripping in and discovering all these stuff,

0:27:28.400 --> 0:27:31.440
<v Speaker 2>Like it was really really fun. M But you're right,

0:27:31.560 --> 0:27:33.440
<v Speaker 2>and thank you for telling me that. It really feels

0:27:33.720 --> 0:27:35.639
<v Speaker 2>good to hear somebody tell me instead of just my

0:27:35.680 --> 0:27:37.280
<v Speaker 2>own mind trying to convince myself for that.

0:27:37.600 --> 0:27:41.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and you can you can. You can go back.

0:27:41.240 --> 0:27:43.439
<v Speaker 1>I probably swear you can go back. I didn't think

0:27:43.440 --> 0:27:44.840
<v Speaker 1>I'd be able to go back. You can go back,

0:27:46.840 --> 0:27:54.840
<v Speaker 1>but it takes some fineggling, and it takes some Uh

0:27:56.040 --> 0:28:01.400
<v Speaker 1>there's something, someone somewhere to ground you back into reality

0:28:02.080 --> 0:28:05.960
<v Speaker 1>and you can hopefully, hopefully you find that and then

0:28:06.400 --> 0:28:09.719
<v Speaker 1>hopefully you spend the rest of your life doing that

0:28:10.040 --> 0:28:14.840
<v Speaker 1>or interacting with those people, or some something takes that

0:28:15.480 --> 0:28:19.359
<v Speaker 1>uh place, and then you know, uh, you make it

0:28:19.400 --> 0:28:23.200
<v Speaker 1>to eighty something and then you die, and then someone

0:28:23.240 --> 0:28:25.480
<v Speaker 1>will someone someone else will worry about, and then somebody

0:28:25.520 --> 0:28:28.440
<v Speaker 1>else will worry about whatever the fuck you were worrying about,

0:28:28.480 --> 0:28:33.080
<v Speaker 1>and it'll be their turn to you know, uh solve capitalism.

0:28:33.480 --> 0:28:42.640
<v Speaker 2>You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Thanks for that one, Kevin.

0:28:43.880 --> 0:28:49.720
<v Speaker 1>You said, uh, you said, you said, we don't have

0:28:49.760 --> 0:28:52.200
<v Speaker 1>to go super deep into this, but you said in

0:28:52.240 --> 0:28:54.760
<v Speaker 1>a text to me, you wrote, I think I am

0:28:54.800 --> 0:28:55.320
<v Speaker 1>an ai.

0:28:57.120 --> 0:29:00.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's like this associative state. It's like I don't

0:29:00.320 --> 0:29:04.000
<v Speaker 2>have to think everything makes sense, like like like but

0:29:04.160 --> 0:29:06.120
<v Speaker 2>if if I fall in love with something, I'm not

0:29:06.200 --> 0:29:09.360
<v Speaker 2>doing that, Like it's it's weird.

0:29:11.120 --> 0:29:12.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.

0:29:13.080 --> 0:29:15.840
<v Speaker 2>Like when you're deep in this nihilism and all that stuff,

0:29:15.840 --> 0:29:18.720
<v Speaker 2>like everything is evident and you're like, you know, you

0:29:18.840 --> 0:29:20.720
<v Speaker 2>just get out of your head. And you said it

0:29:20.760 --> 0:29:24.400
<v Speaker 2>earlier like like to take my brain out of my body,

0:29:24.440 --> 0:29:26.520
<v Speaker 2>and like that's exactly how I was kind of feeling

0:29:26.520 --> 0:29:29.640
<v Speaker 2>like I wanted to do that a lot, and and

0:29:31.360 --> 0:29:33.040
<v Speaker 2>like I do have some friends and all that, and

0:29:33.160 --> 0:29:36.400
<v Speaker 2>it's like it's a long job to build a new

0:29:36.440 --> 0:29:38.920
<v Speaker 2>support system, and it's it's a thing that's happening a lot,

0:29:38.960 --> 0:29:41.200
<v Speaker 2>to be honest, Like there's groups that I'm discovering and

0:29:41.280 --> 0:29:47.360
<v Speaker 2>all that stuff. So it's kind of sad, right spread Okay.

0:29:48.440 --> 0:29:51.640
<v Speaker 1>Wait, sorry sad said that's said that what is widespread.

0:29:51.800 --> 0:29:54.680
<v Speaker 2>That I'm finding a lot of people like myself and

0:29:54.760 --> 0:29:58.120
<v Speaker 2>just saying like it's there's a lot like I don't

0:29:58.120 --> 0:30:01.520
<v Speaker 2>know about in your area, but in your region or whatever,

0:30:01.600 --> 0:30:05.640
<v Speaker 2>but over here, like a lot of especially men on

0:30:05.720 --> 0:30:07.960
<v Speaker 2>my age R going through this state of like, dude,

0:30:08.080 --> 0:30:10.520
<v Speaker 2>like what we did all this effort and now fuck it?

0:30:10.720 --> 0:30:16.320
<v Speaker 2>Like we're like doing this thing. It's like a movement almost.

0:30:16.680 --> 0:30:19.320
<v Speaker 2>There's a lot of people like me and I after

0:30:19.360 --> 0:30:21.240
<v Speaker 2>a little while, I was like that ship not hang

0:30:21.320 --> 0:30:23.840
<v Speaker 2>out so much with these people, They're like bringing me down.

0:30:23.880 --> 0:30:26.520
<v Speaker 2>So I'm gonna try to find more more high people.

0:30:26.560 --> 0:30:31.040
<v Speaker 2>But I'm slowly getting there. You know, it's kind of

0:30:31.280 --> 0:30:37.120
<v Speaker 2>easy to lose the not I don't want to say motivation,

0:30:37.320 --> 0:30:40.800
<v Speaker 2>but like the face that comes with that brings you

0:30:40.840 --> 0:30:41.840
<v Speaker 2>to motivation.

0:30:41.760 --> 0:30:41.920
<v Speaker 3>Like.

0:30:48.200 --> 0:30:48.920
<v Speaker 1>Kevin, are you there?

0:30:49.960 --> 0:30:50.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I'm here.

0:30:50.960 --> 0:30:53.920
<v Speaker 1>Oh okay, No, I know what you mean. Yeah it

0:30:54.080 --> 0:30:58.760
<v Speaker 1>uh it definitely, it can definitely. Yeah, certain things can

0:31:00.080 --> 0:31:06.440
<v Speaker 1>cause you to lose the faith. Yeah yeah, man, I

0:31:06.440 --> 0:31:09.000
<v Speaker 1>don't know. I uh, I don't know if there's related

0:31:09.000 --> 0:31:11.560
<v Speaker 1>to anything, but it feels related to me. But uh,

0:31:12.200 --> 0:31:18.760
<v Speaker 1>I fucking I bought a blender and I bought bananas.

0:31:19.080 --> 0:31:21.200
<v Speaker 1>This is not how I normally lived my life. I

0:31:21.240 --> 0:31:25.880
<v Speaker 1>bought a blender, I bought bananas, and uh I got

0:31:25.920 --> 0:31:31.239
<v Speaker 1>I got powdered peanut butter and some almond milk and

0:31:31.280 --> 0:31:34.520
<v Speaker 1>some fucking kale. I haven't bought k I don't think

0:31:34.520 --> 0:31:37.479
<v Speaker 1>I've ever bought I'm twenty, I'm almost twenty eight years old.

0:31:37.480 --> 0:31:41.280
<v Speaker 1>I don't remember. I've maybe bought bananas and kale at

0:31:41.320 --> 0:31:48.640
<v Speaker 1>a grocery store. Uh once in my life before and

0:31:48.680 --> 0:31:51.360
<v Speaker 1>I was just looking at the I was just like

0:31:51.400 --> 0:31:55.400
<v Speaker 1>looking at the I had bananas on my like, uh,

0:31:57.560 --> 0:32:01.320
<v Speaker 1>my kitchen counter, my countertop, and I've felt I just

0:32:01.400 --> 0:32:05.200
<v Speaker 1>felt so normal. I felt so you know what I mean,

0:32:05.240 --> 0:32:08.600
<v Speaker 1>I just felt so grounded in reality. Thank God you understand.

0:32:08.840 --> 0:32:09.840
<v Speaker 1>Thank god you understand.

0:32:10.000 --> 0:32:12.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, dude. And I call those people, you know, like

0:32:12.840 --> 0:32:16.320
<v Speaker 2>the people who expect to buy a bait that's an

0:32:16.800 --> 0:32:19.800
<v Speaker 2>throw for the couch in the living room. Like when

0:32:19.800 --> 0:32:21.520
<v Speaker 2>you walk around here in Montreal and you look at

0:32:21.560 --> 0:32:23.920
<v Speaker 2>people's houses because they have like huge window and they

0:32:24.000 --> 0:32:26.800
<v Speaker 2>want to show it. Everybody has that fucking throw, like

0:32:26.800 --> 0:32:30.920
<v Speaker 2>like why is that the program? Mm hmm, it's like

0:32:30.920 --> 0:32:34.240
<v Speaker 2>your bananas, dude. It's like it's like that's the program.

0:32:34.440 --> 0:32:36.920
<v Speaker 1>That's the program. And so okay and so and I

0:32:37.040 --> 0:32:40.240
<v Speaker 1>had the I have the bananas on my kitchen table,

0:32:40.480 --> 0:32:44.720
<v Speaker 1>kitchen table, and I just feel so normal. And I

0:32:44.920 --> 0:32:47.240
<v Speaker 1>and I thought to myself, this is a you know,

0:32:47.320 --> 0:32:50.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm just like, trust me, like I've I've been to

0:32:50.800 --> 0:32:53.440
<v Speaker 1>some very you know, everyone's unique. I feel like I've

0:32:53.440 --> 0:32:56.000
<v Speaker 1>been to some version of what you've been through. Else

0:32:56.040 --> 0:32:58.040
<v Speaker 1>we don't think we could have this conversation. And I'm

0:32:58.040 --> 0:32:59.600
<v Speaker 1>telling you, I just looked at these bananas and I

0:32:59.680 --> 0:33:04.360
<v Speaker 1>was like, oh, I like this a lot. This is

0:33:04.400 --> 0:33:07.640
<v Speaker 1>I was. I was like, I was like, oh, being

0:33:07.760 --> 0:33:11.680
<v Speaker 1>in reality, which is like I wake up in the

0:33:11.680 --> 0:33:17.600
<v Speaker 1>morning and I make a kale banana powdered peanut butter smoothie,

0:33:17.800 --> 0:33:22.080
<v Speaker 1>and then I go to work and I have conversations

0:33:22.120 --> 0:33:25.000
<v Speaker 1>with people. I'm like, oh, I'm I love. I'm just

0:33:25.040 --> 0:33:27.360
<v Speaker 1>like I'm like, oh, this is what my dad feels

0:33:27.440 --> 0:33:30.240
<v Speaker 1>like every day of his life. You know. I'm like,

0:33:30.400 --> 0:33:34.320
<v Speaker 1>this is It just felt so fucking normal. And I

0:33:34.400 --> 0:33:36.680
<v Speaker 1>was like, oh being ground like a little thing. And

0:33:36.720 --> 0:33:38.320
<v Speaker 1>it wasn't a big thing that had to ground me

0:33:38.320 --> 0:33:42.120
<v Speaker 1>in reality. It was having fucking bananas on my kitchen countertop.

0:33:42.320 --> 0:33:46.560
<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh, this feels great. I don't want

0:33:46.560 --> 0:33:48.520
<v Speaker 1>to go back. I don't want to go back to

0:33:48.640 --> 0:33:53.280
<v Speaker 1>eating McDonald's and sitting on the curb at toy M

0:33:53.320 --> 0:33:57.080
<v Speaker 1>thinking about death like like you know, you know what

0:33:57.120 --> 0:33:59.520
<v Speaker 1>I mean. I want to just you know, I saw

0:33:59.560 --> 0:34:03.520
<v Speaker 1>I have I bought zinc tablets vitamin C. They're sitting

0:34:03.520 --> 0:34:07.960
<v Speaker 1>on it. I have a fucking bottle of zinc tablets

0:34:08.000 --> 0:34:10.279
<v Speaker 1>sitting next to the bananas, and I'm like I'm like,

0:34:10.360 --> 0:34:12.880
<v Speaker 1>I feel like my dad, I feel like a normal

0:34:13.560 --> 0:34:15.640
<v Speaker 1>human adult if it just felt great. I hope you

0:34:15.640 --> 0:34:17.240
<v Speaker 1>know get what I'm saying.

0:34:18.400 --> 0:34:20.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry if I make fun of that earlier.

0:34:20.160 --> 0:34:22.799
<v Speaker 1>Oh no, I don't think you are no. No, no, no,

0:34:22.840 --> 0:34:25.560
<v Speaker 1>I feel no no, and I know why you. Uh.

0:34:25.840 --> 0:34:27.080
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I'm about to say that, but I

0:34:27.080 --> 0:34:30.239
<v Speaker 1>feel very I like I like the normalcy. I like

0:34:30.280 --> 0:34:33.760
<v Speaker 1>it okay, But I also I get bored really easily.

0:34:34.280 --> 0:34:36.000
<v Speaker 1>So I've kind of tried to set up my life

0:34:36.040 --> 0:34:41.200
<v Speaker 1>in such a way that like it's half normal half crazy,

0:34:42.560 --> 0:34:46.000
<v Speaker 1>because if I have too much of either of them too,

0:34:46.080 --> 0:34:49.040
<v Speaker 1>if I too many days in a row eating like

0:34:49.160 --> 0:34:52.560
<v Speaker 1>salmon and bananas, I'll go insane. But too many days

0:34:52.560 --> 0:34:57.640
<v Speaker 1>in a row, uh, you know whatever, going to the

0:34:57.680 --> 0:35:03.360
<v Speaker 1>strip club and eating eating a yeah and an almond

0:35:03.480 --> 0:35:04.320
<v Speaker 1>joy for dinner?

0:35:05.120 --> 0:35:07.440
<v Speaker 2>Is that that's what you do on your weekends.

0:35:07.000 --> 0:35:09.680
<v Speaker 1>Gig go to strip clubs. You need almond Joys?

0:35:10.719 --> 0:35:10.959
<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

0:35:12.400 --> 0:35:14.520
<v Speaker 1>No, I'm in. Uh, I'm in. I mean I don't,

0:35:14.800 --> 0:35:18.719
<v Speaker 1>but yeah, I need a little bit of both universes.

0:35:18.760 --> 0:35:23.239
<v Speaker 1>I think too feel okay, and I don't know. I

0:35:23.280 --> 0:35:25.560
<v Speaker 1>don't know, And everyone's different, everyone's brain is wired differently.

0:35:25.560 --> 0:35:28.240
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. Maybe you maybe you're because you sound

0:35:28.280 --> 0:35:34.279
<v Speaker 1>like you're enjoying existential life because it came to you.

0:35:34.360 --> 0:35:35.520
<v Speaker 1>It seems like it came to you in fun.

0:35:36.000 --> 0:35:38.759
<v Speaker 2>Sorry ahead, Yeah, yeah, I always dunk into things like

0:35:38.800 --> 0:35:42.480
<v Speaker 2>in a like like I'm gonna I'm gonna adopt this attitude,

0:35:42.560 --> 0:35:44.760
<v Speaker 2>you know, like a little bit of de lulu almost

0:35:44.760 --> 0:35:46.760
<v Speaker 2>Like I always have been like a position of crisis

0:35:46.760 --> 0:35:48.319
<v Speaker 2>at work and things like that, so I had to

0:35:48.360 --> 0:35:52.280
<v Speaker 2>be extremely positive in moments where everybody was negative. So

0:35:52.280 --> 0:35:54.920
<v Speaker 2>so it's kind of like I don't know, loving myself

0:35:54.960 --> 0:35:57.880
<v Speaker 2>into this behavior, I guess.

0:35:58.000 --> 0:35:59.600
<v Speaker 1>Mm hm.

0:35:59.719 --> 0:36:02.359
<v Speaker 2>So I cannot do these things like when when there's

0:36:02.400 --> 0:36:04.719
<v Speaker 2>a challenge or something, I don't know, I just get

0:36:04.800 --> 0:36:07.279
<v Speaker 2>like like like if I'm not tired, I'm just going

0:36:07.320 --> 0:36:09.200
<v Speaker 2>to get into it, you know, like I don't do

0:36:09.400 --> 0:36:11.360
<v Speaker 2>think way, I'm going to jump all the way in.

0:36:14.400 --> 0:36:18.440
<v Speaker 2>But now like like this like relating back to your bananas,

0:36:18.560 --> 0:36:22.000
<v Speaker 2>like I'm doing that. Actually I'm taking about my yogurt.

0:36:22.360 --> 0:36:26.120
<v Speaker 2>I have your herd every day. Yeah, if I don't

0:36:26.120 --> 0:36:28.400
<v Speaker 2>have my yogurt for more than one day, and like

0:36:28.480 --> 0:36:39.480
<v Speaker 2>I'm moody mm hmmm. Mm hmm. By the way, I

0:36:39.520 --> 0:36:41.319
<v Speaker 2>want to say, I've been listening to your show for

0:36:41.400 --> 0:36:41.800
<v Speaker 2>like two.

0:36:41.760 --> 0:36:47.480
<v Speaker 1>Years of oh cool, nice man. Weird coincidence, weird coincidence.

0:36:48.280 --> 0:36:50.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, the moment that start might burnout and then you appeared.

0:36:51.160 --> 0:36:53.280
<v Speaker 1>Oh oh yes, yeah, I guess I did appear around

0:36:53.280 --> 0:36:54.360
<v Speaker 1>the time of your burnout.

0:36:55.200 --> 0:36:57.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. It was fucking amazing too to watch you. And

0:36:57.680 --> 0:36:59.880
<v Speaker 2>I talked about you to everybody I met.

0:36:59.719 --> 0:37:03.319
<v Speaker 1>And thanks man, Thanks man. I feel like I feel

0:37:03.360 --> 0:37:05.000
<v Speaker 1>like we're nearing a point of ending the call, but

0:37:05.040 --> 0:37:07.280
<v Speaker 1>I want, I want to, but I have I'm curious

0:37:07.280 --> 0:37:09.799
<v Speaker 1>about a couple more things. Is because you said you're

0:37:09.840 --> 0:37:12.160
<v Speaker 1>trying to build You're because you're in the process of

0:37:12.239 --> 0:37:15.840
<v Speaker 1>like building a new a new uh support system, and

0:37:15.920 --> 0:37:17.879
<v Speaker 1>I feel like we didn't. I want to get into

0:37:17.880 --> 0:37:20.560
<v Speaker 1>a little bit of how that is going for you.

0:37:23.520 --> 0:37:27.920
<v Speaker 2>Well, there's been a lot of tries with like in

0:37:28.000 --> 0:37:30.480
<v Speaker 2>real life, with going out to events and stuff like that.

0:37:30.560 --> 0:37:32.759
<v Speaker 2>But then really tire me a lot, and I ended

0:37:32.840 --> 0:37:35.040
<v Speaker 2>up with some people and they were like, I don't know,

0:37:35.080 --> 0:37:37.000
<v Speaker 2>I was, I guess I'm making up shoot bad choices.

0:37:37.040 --> 0:37:39.240
<v Speaker 2>So I backed up a little bit and I started

0:37:39.320 --> 0:37:45.000
<v Speaker 2>using like some different discord servers and kind of funny enough,

0:37:45.200 --> 0:37:50.600
<v Speaker 2>like I found this BDSM dicort that that really is nice.

0:37:50.640 --> 0:37:53.120
<v Speaker 2>It's not about the BDSM so much. It's more about

0:37:53.160 --> 0:37:55.400
<v Speaker 2>the community and people are freaking nice and videos and

0:37:55.400 --> 0:37:58.000
<v Speaker 2>they're like, I think they all understand where I am.

0:37:58.400 --> 0:38:02.239
<v Speaker 2>And also they're like they kind of know how to

0:38:02.280 --> 0:38:04.319
<v Speaker 2>talk about it in a way that kind of makes

0:38:04.360 --> 0:38:06.600
<v Speaker 2>it funny because when I when I when I go

0:38:06.680 --> 0:38:08.520
<v Speaker 2>to the office and I try to find somebody to

0:38:08.520 --> 0:38:10.200
<v Speaker 2>talk about this stuff in my mind, it's like, don't

0:38:10.200 --> 0:38:14.040
<v Speaker 2>forget about it. So it's nice to have found this

0:38:14.040 --> 0:38:17.000
<v Speaker 2>this little sub group of people. They're pretty awesome.

0:38:17.920 --> 0:38:21.399
<v Speaker 1>Wait, tell me, okay, this is like a we It's okay.

0:38:21.440 --> 0:38:23.680
<v Speaker 1>We've been on the phone for forty minutes and you

0:38:23.840 --> 0:38:29.320
<v Speaker 1>just introduced you you just introduced an entirely extra forty

0:38:29.400 --> 0:38:31.960
<v Speaker 1>minutes of conversational topic.

0:38:32.080 --> 0:38:37.680
<v Speaker 2>Now, friend, another time, Dude, I don't want to take

0:38:37.680 --> 0:38:39.680
<v Speaker 2>away a time for the other people. This is you're

0:38:39.760 --> 0:38:41.160
<v Speaker 2>thinking that we're going to finish it.

0:38:41.400 --> 0:38:45.640
<v Speaker 1>It's no, no, this is hard. Sorry, tell me more

0:38:45.640 --> 0:38:49.520
<v Speaker 1>about this BDSM community, like what like, like, tell me

0:38:49.520 --> 0:38:53.200
<v Speaker 1>about the conversations that you're having in in this community.

0:38:53.680 --> 0:38:57.480
<v Speaker 1>That you that are like new conversations for you.

0:39:00.480 --> 0:39:03.200
<v Speaker 2>A new conversation for me in that community. M hm,

0:39:06.680 --> 0:39:09.000
<v Speaker 2>well they're not so new anymore because I've been in

0:39:09.000 --> 0:39:10.600
<v Speaker 2>that community for a little bit now.

0:39:12.040 --> 0:39:13.680
<v Speaker 1>Or or or tell me, tell me, tell me what

0:39:13.719 --> 0:39:15.920
<v Speaker 1>was Tell me what was what was new at the time.

0:39:19.760 --> 0:39:25.440
<v Speaker 2>The concept of consent, Like I'm gonna be super binary here.

0:39:25.480 --> 0:39:31.680
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna define people by Normanis and the freaks m h.

0:39:31.719 --> 0:39:34.400
<v Speaker 2>And the freaks are so good at communicating and that.

0:39:34.719 --> 0:39:37.000
<v Speaker 2>And before I was introduced to that world, and I

0:39:37.000 --> 0:39:40.080
<v Speaker 2>felt like like flirting was a lot of like you

0:39:40.200 --> 0:39:43.360
<v Speaker 2>have to guess things. And I know that today, like

0:39:43.800 --> 0:39:45.920
<v Speaker 2>that's not what we're teaching, but you have to remember,

0:39:46.000 --> 0:39:48.319
<v Speaker 2>Like I'm a freaking millennial and I like a bunch

0:39:48.320 --> 0:39:52.000
<v Speaker 2>of people in my generation didn't learn how to to toxic,

0:39:52.360 --> 0:39:53.759
<v Speaker 2>you know, Like I don't know if you understand what

0:39:53.760 --> 0:39:54.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm saying.

0:39:54.560 --> 0:39:55.840
<v Speaker 1>No, I know, yeah, I know what I mean, Like

0:39:55.920 --> 0:40:01.400
<v Speaker 1>I think, uh, our generation, I think yeah, older generations

0:40:01.440 --> 0:40:03.799
<v Speaker 1>were taught like no, like you don't like you have

0:40:03.840 --> 0:40:07.080
<v Speaker 1>to like go in for the kiss at like like

0:40:07.120 --> 0:40:10.080
<v Speaker 1>when the moment is right, like like people people, people

0:40:10.080 --> 0:40:13.200
<v Speaker 1>will taught that it's like weird to like ask to

0:40:13.280 --> 0:40:14.600
<v Speaker 1>kiss someone.

0:40:14.480 --> 0:40:19.359
<v Speaker 2>Yeah yeah, or say hey, I would kiss you right now,

0:40:19.400 --> 0:40:21.720
<v Speaker 2>or think like that. It would be like you're perceived

0:40:21.760 --> 0:40:24.200
<v Speaker 2>as someone that is like, oh my god, you're so

0:40:24.440 --> 0:40:26.760
<v Speaker 2>like brave and shit, you have to be very confident.

0:40:26.840 --> 0:40:30.640
<v Speaker 2>But in that community, it's like it's just normal. It's

0:40:30.640 --> 0:40:33.799
<v Speaker 2>not something that it's so like I don't know, the

0:40:33.840 --> 0:40:36.080
<v Speaker 2>sense of consent. It's not just about being normal. It's

0:40:36.120 --> 0:40:38.400
<v Speaker 2>also like I like it. It's like the way that

0:40:38.400 --> 0:40:41.080
<v Speaker 2>he's doing it is being so clear, like I don't

0:40:41.120 --> 0:40:43.279
<v Speaker 2>like to read between lines to be honest. And when

0:40:43.280 --> 0:40:45.279
<v Speaker 2>I discover the community, I was like, oh my god,

0:40:45.600 --> 0:40:48.600
<v Speaker 2>we can be so like we can have good sex.

0:40:48.640 --> 0:40:52.280
<v Speaker 2>Actually m mmmmmmmm.

0:40:54.480 --> 0:40:56.920
<v Speaker 1>Did you what kinds of conversations did you have with

0:40:56.960 --> 0:41:00.480
<v Speaker 1>them that like weren't about sex, that are just like

0:41:00.760 --> 0:41:04.200
<v Speaker 1>kind of overarching things.

0:41:04.760 --> 0:41:09.000
<v Speaker 2>A lot of people having different Like there's a lot

0:41:09.040 --> 0:41:15.319
<v Speaker 2>of neural diversity. People with different would say diagnostics or

0:41:15.320 --> 0:41:18.920
<v Speaker 2>whatnot and asking for advices how to deal with those

0:41:18.960 --> 0:41:22.440
<v Speaker 2>things and different situations. Then there's other people with the

0:41:22.520 --> 0:41:25.720
<v Speaker 2>same type of neural diversity, and they're all like helping

0:41:25.760 --> 0:41:28.719
<v Speaker 2>each other and having good sex or not just good sex,

0:41:29.200 --> 0:41:32.200
<v Speaker 2>also about anything else like relationship wise or whatever. And

0:41:32.200 --> 0:41:34.840
<v Speaker 2>there's there's teams sometimes where we share the win of

0:41:34.880 --> 0:41:37.640
<v Speaker 2>the week, but that cannot be sexual, so it's just like, hey,

0:41:37.800 --> 0:41:39.400
<v Speaker 2>I want two dollars in a scratch again.

0:41:41.560 --> 0:41:44.880
<v Speaker 1>Have you ever participated in win of the week.

0:41:46.560 --> 0:41:46.920
<v Speaker 2>Of the what?

0:41:47.760 --> 0:41:50.040
<v Speaker 1>Have you ever participated in the win of the week?

0:41:52.040 --> 0:41:58.040
<v Speaker 2>No? No, not yet, not really mm hmm, Like it's

0:41:58.120 --> 0:41:59.880
<v Speaker 2>up to you to choose to share things or not.

0:42:01.440 --> 0:42:01.839
<v Speaker 2>Mm hmm.

0:42:04.440 --> 0:42:06.719
<v Speaker 1>And have you met any of these people in person yet?

0:42:07.960 --> 0:42:12.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? Plenty, Oh okay, espially at the beginning of my burnout.

0:42:13.719 --> 0:42:15.200
<v Speaker 1>And how did those interactions go?

0:42:16.840 --> 0:42:19.200
<v Speaker 2>Well, that's where I was discovered a lot of different

0:42:19.200 --> 0:42:21.120
<v Speaker 2>type of people, and it took out the work for

0:42:21.200 --> 0:42:27.160
<v Speaker 2>me to like really understand this community and all the people.

0:42:27.239 --> 0:42:29.360
<v Speaker 2>It took a while, like I was stunned touch first,

0:42:29.360 --> 0:42:31.319
<v Speaker 2>and I don't know, like I had to back up

0:42:31.360 --> 0:42:32.640
<v Speaker 2>a little different then go back in.

0:42:44.120 --> 0:42:46.960
<v Speaker 1>So it sounds like these have been like a very

0:42:47.000 --> 0:42:49.920
<v Speaker 1>Like this has been a very Have any of these

0:42:50.120 --> 0:42:51.759
<v Speaker 1>have any of these people stuck around? Have any of

0:42:51.800 --> 0:42:55.680
<v Speaker 1>these people become like like staples, like of your kind

0:42:55.719 --> 0:42:57.960
<v Speaker 1>of support system?

0:42:58.000 --> 0:43:02.640
<v Speaker 2>Not yet? Not the end like I've tried, but then

0:43:02.719 --> 0:43:05.120
<v Speaker 2>we can get intimate and we discovered there's when we

0:43:05.160 --> 0:43:08.480
<v Speaker 2>have differences and I don't want to there's like so

0:43:08.560 --> 0:43:11.759
<v Speaker 2>much you can come from my square, you know, mm hmm.

0:43:13.160 --> 0:43:15.160
<v Speaker 2>It's kind of hard to find people that are very

0:43:15.160 --> 0:43:18.480
<v Speaker 2>similar to you when when you have so much baggage.

0:43:18.480 --> 0:43:20.239
<v Speaker 2>I would say, it's kind of hard to like put

0:43:20.239 --> 0:43:21.160
<v Speaker 2>the baggage aside.

0:43:23.120 --> 0:43:25.080
<v Speaker 1>Well, well, well you're not gonna be able to find

0:43:25.120 --> 0:43:29.000
<v Speaker 1>people similar to you if you're putting the baggage aside.

0:43:29.239 --> 0:43:30.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah exactly, Yeah.

0:43:30.280 --> 0:43:32.799
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, I mean part of finding people who are

0:43:32.840 --> 0:43:41.360
<v Speaker 1>similar to you is finding people with somewhat similar baggage. Yeah. Uh,

0:43:41.480 --> 0:43:43.719
<v Speaker 1>I mean everyone has bad anyone has lived any I

0:43:43.719 --> 0:43:48.280
<v Speaker 1>think any anyone has lived any life worth talking about

0:43:48.840 --> 0:43:50.600
<v Speaker 1>has some form of baggage.

0:43:55.680 --> 0:43:59.120
<v Speaker 2>Well, I hope, so it would be weird to not

0:43:59.200 --> 0:44:02.759
<v Speaker 2>have baggage anyway. It's just you know, after so much

0:44:02.760 --> 0:44:05.080
<v Speaker 2>of it, Like I don't want to say that that

0:44:06.160 --> 0:44:09.120
<v Speaker 2>like I had like a very very intense and everything

0:44:09.440 --> 0:44:11.719
<v Speaker 2>in my life, you know, like it's been really really

0:44:11.800 --> 0:44:16.480
<v Speaker 2>intense since the beginning, so funny like and going throughout

0:44:16.520 --> 0:44:19.879
<v Speaker 2>realizing that later on, it's harder to find somebody who

0:44:19.920 --> 0:44:23.239
<v Speaker 2>would matches compared to when I was twenty and I

0:44:23.239 --> 0:44:26.040
<v Speaker 2>didn't know much of life and I wanted to get married,

0:44:26.080 --> 0:44:31.239
<v Speaker 2>for example, which I eventually did. But after like going

0:44:31.360 --> 0:44:35.000
<v Speaker 2>back in my mind during that evolution, I think the

0:44:35.040 --> 0:44:41.040
<v Speaker 2>longer you get old and the more baggage you accrue

0:44:41.480 --> 0:44:45.319
<v Speaker 2>in your back, the harder it is to find a

0:44:45.320 --> 0:44:48.960
<v Speaker 2>potential mate, if we want to speak like that. You know,

0:44:50.360 --> 0:44:53.439
<v Speaker 2>so when you lose your whole support system late in life,

0:44:53.800 --> 0:44:57.000
<v Speaker 2>having to rebuild it, it's it's not easy to do it.

0:44:57.000 --> 0:45:00.680
<v Speaker 2>It takes a while, you know.

0:45:00.760 --> 0:45:03.400
<v Speaker 1>I always I like to talk about this on here

0:45:03.440 --> 0:45:05.279
<v Speaker 1>a lot which is that, you know. I mean, my

0:45:05.360 --> 0:45:07.400
<v Speaker 1>parents got divorced when they were they must have been

0:45:07.400 --> 0:45:12.080
<v Speaker 1>in their fucking mid forties or something like that, and

0:45:12.600 --> 0:45:19.480
<v Speaker 1>they both managed to find really great relationships in the

0:45:19.560 --> 0:45:25.520
<v Speaker 1>second half of their life, which I always find very inspiring.

0:45:26.239 --> 0:45:33.280
<v Speaker 1>But I guess to speak to what you were saying,

0:45:34.680 --> 0:45:38.160
<v Speaker 1>oh crap, damn it, there's another part of that you

0:45:38.200 --> 0:45:46.880
<v Speaker 1>were you were talking about by finding your support system, well,

0:45:46.920 --> 0:45:48.400
<v Speaker 1>a lot of a support system I think can be

0:45:48.480 --> 0:45:51.960
<v Speaker 1>just like I think, there there's a lot of wait,

0:45:52.000 --> 0:45:53.439
<v Speaker 1>fuck damn it, you said another thing.

0:45:55.160 --> 0:45:58.240
<v Speaker 2>Shit, I'm trying to as long as you grow older,

0:45:58.480 --> 0:46:00.640
<v Speaker 2>you get those baggages something like that.

0:46:03.520 --> 0:46:05.200
<v Speaker 1>Oh I know, okay, I remember I was gonna ask you.

0:46:06.320 --> 0:46:10.799
<v Speaker 1>So you guys you were married? Yeah, and how long

0:46:10.840 --> 0:46:11.360
<v Speaker 1>were you married?

0:46:13.040 --> 0:46:14.480
<v Speaker 2>Five years?

0:46:14.600 --> 0:46:16.440
<v Speaker 1>And uh? How did you did you get married when

0:46:16.440 --> 0:46:20.960
<v Speaker 1>you were twenty Uh no?

0:46:20.960 --> 0:46:25.239
<v Speaker 2>No, no, no, when I was a little bit older.

0:46:27.080 --> 0:46:28.840
<v Speaker 2>But you're making me do math. And I had a

0:46:28.880 --> 0:46:34.520
<v Speaker 2>big twins earlier. I was in my thirties and you.

0:46:34.560 --> 0:46:38.600
<v Speaker 1>Got married for five years? How was that marriage?

0:46:40.640 --> 0:46:45.279
<v Speaker 2>Well? I looked back at it today and I was like,

0:46:45.840 --> 0:46:48.440
<v Speaker 2>I like, I was following this what we call the

0:46:48.680 --> 0:46:54.000
<v Speaker 2>relationship is collator. You know, you know about it.

0:46:54.200 --> 0:46:54.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm listening.

0:46:56.600 --> 0:46:59.280
<v Speaker 2>I just realized that's what I did. And I drank

0:46:59.560 --> 0:47:01.480
<v Speaker 2>while I was being married. I felt like I was

0:47:01.680 --> 0:47:06.680
<v Speaker 2>like happy, to be honest. But then I like, that's

0:47:06.719 --> 0:47:09.640
<v Speaker 2>when I started to question myself about my queerness with

0:47:09.760 --> 0:47:13.080
<v Speaker 2>my with my ex wife, and she was down for it.

0:47:13.160 --> 0:47:15.239
<v Speaker 2>You know, we were like in a queer community and

0:47:15.239 --> 0:47:17.880
<v Speaker 2>stuff like that, and she was really open to like

0:47:18.680 --> 0:47:24.000
<v Speaker 2>we're open minded people. So we started exploring. And then

0:47:24.040 --> 0:47:28.240
<v Speaker 2>I was like, you're not making me happy anymore. I'm sorry.

0:47:28.880 --> 0:47:29.160
<v Speaker 3>M hm.

0:47:30.960 --> 0:47:33.080
<v Speaker 2>And then I like I felt like she was too

0:47:33.239 --> 0:47:35.520
<v Speaker 2>normy for me, and that's okay, Like she she really

0:47:35.640 --> 0:47:37.799
<v Speaker 2>is calm and all that stuff and she likes that

0:47:37.960 --> 0:47:40.919
<v Speaker 2>and I needed to have a bit more and that's

0:47:45.280 --> 0:47:45.680
<v Speaker 2>the fuck.

0:47:46.040 --> 0:47:58.440
<v Speaker 1>Uh hm hmm. So she was willing oh oh, okay,

0:47:58.800 --> 0:48:01.880
<v Speaker 1>de frying the fine again. A relationship escalator.

0:48:03.400 --> 0:48:06.680
<v Speaker 2>You know, a relationship escalator is like you get out

0:48:06.680 --> 0:48:10.279
<v Speaker 2>of school, you get a job, you find out why

0:48:10.400 --> 0:48:13.319
<v Speaker 2>if you marry her, You get a house, you get

0:48:13.320 --> 0:48:15.600
<v Speaker 2>a car, you get a dog, you make the kids.

0:48:16.120 --> 0:48:21.239
<v Speaker 2>You know, you have this friend m and like when

0:48:21.239 --> 0:48:23.120
<v Speaker 2>you are in the relationship is salator. You can be

0:48:23.800 --> 0:48:26.120
<v Speaker 2>aware of it or not. And I feel like I

0:48:26.160 --> 0:48:28.800
<v Speaker 2>was not aware of it, like I was really buying

0:48:28.840 --> 0:48:30.040
<v Speaker 2>into it and I believed it.

0:48:30.960 --> 0:48:31.640
<v Speaker 1>Do you have kids?

0:48:32.800 --> 0:48:32.840
<v Speaker 3>No?

0:48:33.800 --> 0:48:35.040
<v Speaker 2>Thank god? Yeah?

0:48:35.120 --> 0:48:39.040
<v Speaker 1>That makes life way yeah oh dude.

0:48:39.120 --> 0:48:41.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. And I try to like kind a new relationship

0:48:41.440 --> 0:48:45.080
<v Speaker 2>after my divorce, you know. Uh. And I freaking love kids,

0:48:45.120 --> 0:48:48.960
<v Speaker 2>like I'm, but I don't think I'm good with them,

0:48:49.000 --> 0:48:52.200
<v Speaker 2>you know, like I'm I talk to them like they're adults,

0:48:52.360 --> 0:48:55.200
<v Speaker 2>Like I'm not being offensive or being vulgar whatever, you know,

0:48:55.280 --> 0:48:58.200
<v Speaker 2>like I know the limits kids.

0:48:58.600 --> 0:48:59.799
<v Speaker 3>But like.

0:49:01.600 --> 0:49:04.040
<v Speaker 2>If I'm not their parents or their like family, it's

0:49:04.120 --> 0:49:05.600
<v Speaker 2>kind of hard for me to sit there while they've

0:49:05.600 --> 0:49:08.319
<v Speaker 2>been disciplined, you know, and being in relationship with their

0:49:08.400 --> 0:49:11.399
<v Speaker 2>mom and being perceived as like a significant adult. It's

0:49:11.440 --> 0:49:14.879
<v Speaker 2>a weird energy. And I tried to figure it out,

0:49:14.880 --> 0:49:16.560
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, now I can't do this. I'm like,

0:49:17.320 --> 0:49:19.680
<v Speaker 2>I don't know, it's not I don't like it. It's

0:49:19.760 --> 0:49:23.320
<v Speaker 2>just this dynamic. It's this dynamic. It's just a whirlwinning

0:49:23.360 --> 0:49:24.520
<v Speaker 2>of emotion that I don't understand.

0:49:25.200 --> 0:49:26.000
<v Speaker 1>Mm hmmmm.

0:49:28.440 --> 0:49:33.000
<v Speaker 2>So yeah, I'm probably ladies without with just a kid

0:49:33.040 --> 0:49:35.920
<v Speaker 2>and no husband or whatever, but I'm not dating that

0:49:36.000 --> 0:49:36.480
<v Speaker 2>kind of girls.

0:49:37.719 --> 0:49:39.439
<v Speaker 1>Oh would you be down to be like a good

0:49:39.480 --> 0:49:40.719
<v Speaker 1>like a stepdad?

0:49:40.800 --> 0:49:46.759
<v Speaker 2>Vibes No, no, not even no. It's just, uh, it's

0:49:46.880 --> 0:49:49.400
<v Speaker 2>it's weird because I had a stepdad at one point,

0:49:49.719 --> 0:49:52.439
<v Speaker 2>and it just feels weird, like I don't I don't

0:49:52.480 --> 0:49:56.040
<v Speaker 2>have this thing, like I don't have this father thing.

0:50:01.120 --> 0:50:01.440
<v Speaker 2>M hm.

0:50:07.440 --> 0:50:09.320
<v Speaker 1>Are you would you get married again?

0:50:10.080 --> 0:50:14.640
<v Speaker 2>Only a fool would believe in life without love. So

0:50:14.800 --> 0:50:16.799
<v Speaker 2>if I get married again, like like of course, if

0:50:16.840 --> 0:50:19.480
<v Speaker 2>I get in love enough, you know, like like I

0:50:19.480 --> 0:50:21.600
<v Speaker 2>could ignore right now and not be happy about it

0:50:22.040 --> 0:50:25.919
<v Speaker 2>or have like hate for love or people in love

0:50:26.040 --> 0:50:28.680
<v Speaker 2>because I'm heartbroken or whatever. But it's always going to change,

0:50:28.719 --> 0:50:29.560
<v Speaker 2>Like I know that.

0:50:31.840 --> 0:50:38.279
<v Speaker 1>M hm, m hm. Are you? Are you looking for

0:50:38.480 --> 0:50:39.800
<v Speaker 1>love actively?

0:50:44.040 --> 0:50:47.240
<v Speaker 2>Well? I try to, you know, to connect with people

0:50:47.800 --> 0:50:53.120
<v Speaker 2>and finding intimacy. But if I'm saying that I want

0:50:53.160 --> 0:50:56.399
<v Speaker 2>to fall in love like looking for love? Like yes,

0:50:56.680 --> 0:51:00.880
<v Speaker 2>Like like I want that, but I don't believe it yet.

0:51:03.200 --> 0:51:06.160
<v Speaker 1>Are you open to the idea that you might or

0:51:06.719 --> 0:51:08.719
<v Speaker 1>have you? Are you? Like I've lived long enough to

0:51:08.800 --> 0:51:09.440
<v Speaker 1>know what I know.

0:51:11.880 --> 0:51:15.799
<v Speaker 2>It's some very scary thought, dude, Like I don't want

0:51:15.800 --> 0:51:21.600
<v Speaker 2>to like stop going forward, and like I'm like, nah no,

0:51:21.719 --> 0:51:24.440
<v Speaker 2>I don't want to, Like I'm afraid that's gonna happen,

0:51:24.680 --> 0:51:28.640
<v Speaker 2>but I don't want to think like that. Does that

0:51:28.680 --> 0:51:29.240
<v Speaker 2>make sense?

0:51:29.400 --> 0:51:32.120
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? That makes sense. You're afraid that, uh, you're going

0:51:32.200 --> 0:51:37.040
<v Speaker 1>to start to believe that you already know everything you know, yeah.

0:51:36.600 --> 0:51:38.680
<v Speaker 2>And then to be like fuck it, I'm just gonna

0:51:39.360 --> 0:51:42.799
<v Speaker 2>do a loner job and wait for death and not

0:51:43.000 --> 0:51:44.600
<v Speaker 2>be actively in life. You know.

0:51:45.160 --> 0:51:47.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you know what? Fuck that?

0:51:49.160 --> 0:51:49.680
<v Speaker 2>What do you mean?

0:51:50.960 --> 0:51:54.480
<v Speaker 1>Fuck? Fuck? Uh? Fuck the idea that you know everything

0:51:54.520 --> 0:51:56.200
<v Speaker 1>you know? And you're gonna get a loaner job and

0:51:56.239 --> 0:51:56.879
<v Speaker 1>wait for death.

0:51:58.360 --> 0:52:00.359
<v Speaker 2>I know I want to say that, but I having

0:52:00.360 --> 0:52:03.680
<v Speaker 2>an usitation like I feel I could happen. I guess

0:52:03.680 --> 0:52:04.680
<v Speaker 2>I don't need to go out again.

0:52:05.120 --> 0:52:09.080
<v Speaker 1>Well guess well, well listen, guess what. And here here's

0:52:09.120 --> 0:52:11.200
<v Speaker 1>what I believe and I don't. I don't know, man,

0:52:11.320 --> 0:52:13.480
<v Speaker 1>I I can only really live my life and say

0:52:13.520 --> 0:52:15.120
<v Speaker 1>the things I'm saying in the moment. I'm saying it

0:52:15.160 --> 0:52:17.160
<v Speaker 1>even though it's recorded. But I don't know as I'm

0:52:17.160 --> 0:52:18.719
<v Speaker 1>talking to you, as I'm thinking. Because I've had this,

0:52:19.120 --> 0:52:22.960
<v Speaker 1>I feel, I feel with you a similar fear that

0:52:23.280 --> 0:52:25.480
<v Speaker 1>I'll come to believe that I already know everything that

0:52:25.520 --> 0:52:27.799
<v Speaker 1>I know and that there is no new thing that

0:52:27.840 --> 0:52:30.280
<v Speaker 1>I can learn about love or life or be taught,

0:52:30.360 --> 0:52:32.640
<v Speaker 1>or that nothing else can surprise me and blah blah

0:52:32.640 --> 0:52:35.920
<v Speaker 1>blah blah ah that stuff. You know, what I think

0:52:36.280 --> 0:52:44.440
<v Speaker 1>in this moment is true, is that the answer to

0:52:44.680 --> 0:52:54.560
<v Speaker 1>that conundrum is that whatever I believe is probably uh right?

0:52:56.080 --> 0:53:03.640
<v Speaker 1>You know? Do you know what I mean when I say.

0:53:03.719 --> 0:53:05.640
<v Speaker 2>Well, there's a lot of things that comes to mind.

0:53:05.920 --> 0:53:09.160
<v Speaker 2>But immediately I thought you were saying, like like I

0:53:09.600 --> 0:53:13.760
<v Speaker 2>I believe that I know everything, but but I don't

0:53:14.000 --> 0:53:15.279
<v Speaker 2>act like it something like that.

0:53:15.520 --> 0:53:19.080
<v Speaker 1>No, I What I mean is like, if I decide

0:53:20.160 --> 0:53:23.279
<v Speaker 1>that I know everything and that life has taught me all,

0:53:23.320 --> 0:53:26.479
<v Speaker 1>it's I've lived enough, done enough, tried enough, seen enough,

0:53:26.520 --> 0:53:30.480
<v Speaker 1>felt enough that I already know everything that life has

0:53:30.520 --> 0:53:34.200
<v Speaker 1>to show me. And uh, there's no new surprises. Let

0:53:34.280 --> 0:53:36.400
<v Speaker 1>me just get a loner job waiting for death. If

0:53:36.440 --> 0:53:40.400
<v Speaker 1>I truly believe that, I think that becomes the reality

0:53:40.440 --> 0:53:43.879
<v Speaker 1>of my life. But if I start to believe, hey,

0:53:43.920 --> 0:53:46.600
<v Speaker 1>you know, I'm not done yet, and uh if I

0:53:46.640 --> 0:53:48.680
<v Speaker 1>but then if I believe, hey, I'm not done yet,

0:53:48.840 --> 0:53:52.280
<v Speaker 1>Let's see what's behind this door. Let's talk to this person.

0:53:52.440 --> 0:53:55.600
<v Speaker 1>Let's uh go here, let's do this. Let's try something

0:53:55.640 --> 0:53:57.799
<v Speaker 1>different over here, Let's think this way or that way.

0:53:57.920 --> 0:54:01.120
<v Speaker 1>Then I think I'm right. You know, I believe that

0:54:01.239 --> 0:54:05.759
<v Speaker 1>I believe, I really really feel like the And I

0:54:05.760 --> 0:54:09.000
<v Speaker 1>don't know. Maybe this is me. I I I love

0:54:09.120 --> 0:54:15.160
<v Speaker 1>inhaling copium straight into my I'll and I'll inject liquid

0:54:15.200 --> 0:54:18.760
<v Speaker 1>ivy copium directly into my veins. It's my favorite drug

0:54:18.840 --> 0:54:19.520
<v Speaker 1>of all time.

0:54:20.400 --> 0:54:20.840
<v Speaker 2>Uh.

0:54:20.960 --> 0:54:26.200
<v Speaker 1>And and perhaps this is me huffing copium. But some

0:54:26.360 --> 0:54:28.879
<v Speaker 1>I believe that a little bit that whatever you think

0:54:28.960 --> 0:54:34.640
<v Speaker 1>about your own reality is uh, it becomes becomes true,

0:54:35.280 --> 0:54:35.520
<v Speaker 1>you know.

0:54:37.560 --> 0:54:39.920
<v Speaker 2>But but you know you you can never do it alone.

0:54:39.960 --> 0:54:41.840
<v Speaker 2>I think when and I want to thank to you

0:54:41.920 --> 0:54:45.320
<v Speaker 2>again for like when we started talking, how you've gone

0:54:45.360 --> 0:54:48.439
<v Speaker 2>me back to it, like we just need that because

0:54:48.480 --> 0:54:51.480
<v Speaker 2>sometimes we're like in space and we're trying to put

0:54:51.480 --> 0:54:53.440
<v Speaker 2>our helmet back on and it kind of helps to

0:54:53.440 --> 0:54:55.719
<v Speaker 2>have as a bit of a wingman that can be

0:54:55.800 --> 0:54:56.640
<v Speaker 2>there for you something.

0:54:56.880 --> 0:54:57.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:54:57.920 --> 0:55:01.759
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so that's that's that's what that's number one doing.

0:55:01.880 --> 0:55:04.880
<v Speaker 2>So thank you for existing doing. Seriously, I've seen you

0:55:04.960 --> 0:55:08.719
<v Speaker 2>helping so many people online. I think I think you're

0:55:08.719 --> 0:55:10.919
<v Speaker 2>one of the greatest human I know, like you're keeping

0:55:11.000 --> 0:55:12.480
<v Speaker 2>thanks actually.

0:55:12.680 --> 0:55:14.799
<v Speaker 1>Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate you saying that.

0:55:14.800 --> 0:55:16.000
<v Speaker 1>That's really nice.

0:55:16.320 --> 0:55:18.160
<v Speaker 2>You're awesome, dude, you're sucking up.

0:55:18.719 --> 0:55:22.239
<v Speaker 1>Thanks man. I hope this conversation was I hope this

0:55:22.360 --> 0:55:24.440
<v Speaker 1>was helpful to you in some way, shape or form.

0:55:25.000 --> 0:55:26.240
<v Speaker 2>Yo, dude, one hundred percent.

0:55:26.800 --> 0:55:31.440
<v Speaker 1>Okay, good Kevin. Is there anything else you want to

0:55:31.440 --> 0:55:37.560
<v Speaker 1>stay to the people of the computer before we go, it's.

0:55:37.440 --> 0:55:43.759
<v Speaker 2>Usually with something, uh so it's kind of hard to

0:55:43.800 --> 0:55:45.960
<v Speaker 2>figure it out. But if you go in, go all in.

0:55:46.400 --> 0:55:49.480
<v Speaker 2>If you don't, then don't go in at all. No,

0:55:49.680 --> 0:55:50.319
<v Speaker 2>you know what I mean.

0:55:51.320 --> 0:55:52.239
<v Speaker 1>I think I know what you man.

0:55:53.160 --> 0:55:55.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, So if you're gonna do something, do it all

0:55:55.040 --> 0:56:01.239
<v Speaker 2>the way because you'll never be happy if you haven't.

0:56:00.400 --> 0:56:03.720
<v Speaker 2>Thank you just about it. So thank you for everything.

0:56:03.800 --> 0:56:09.520
<v Speaker 1>GEK, take care man, you too. By That was Kevin.

0:56:12.200 --> 0:56:22.800
<v Speaker 1>That was a good existential conversation. Dude, I'm telling you, uh,

0:56:23.400 --> 0:56:26.560
<v Speaker 1>the you have I don't know. I just looked at

0:56:26.560 --> 0:56:32.360
<v Speaker 1>the bananas on my fucking kitchen table and I'm like, oh, okay,

0:56:32.400 --> 0:56:36.359
<v Speaker 1>this is what it feels like to like Sometimes I'll

0:56:36.400 --> 0:56:41.799
<v Speaker 1>see like an old man and he's like jogging and

0:56:41.840 --> 0:56:44.560
<v Speaker 1>he like eats a banana or whatever, and I'm like,

0:56:44.960 --> 0:56:47.319
<v Speaker 1>how is this guy not freaking This guy's about this

0:56:47.360 --> 0:56:50.239
<v Speaker 1>guy is on death's door or why is he not?

0:56:50.360 --> 0:56:53.120
<v Speaker 1>Why am I I'm young? Why am I having the

0:56:53.160 --> 0:56:55.759
<v Speaker 1>existential crisis? Why is he not freaking out? And it's

0:56:55.760 --> 0:56:59.480
<v Speaker 1>because he has bananas on his shelf. He's not concerned

0:57:00.200 --> 0:57:05.400
<v Speaker 1>with that. He's got he's got a banana, and he

0:57:05.440 --> 0:57:10.760
<v Speaker 1>goes for a walk and he's and he has a dog.

0:57:11.040 --> 0:57:16.520
<v Speaker 1>He's like he's in reality, he's not thinking about it.

0:57:16.520 --> 0:57:21.880
<v Speaker 1>It's smart. Hello, can you hear me? Yeah? Hi, what's

0:57:21.880 --> 0:57:22.280
<v Speaker 1>your name?

0:57:23.640 --> 0:57:24.800
<v Speaker 4>Brouh?

0:57:24.800 --> 0:57:30.120
<v Speaker 1>My name is Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa. You texted me and

0:57:30.200 --> 0:57:35.080
<v Speaker 1>you said my name is Vanessa. Nobody knows about my

0:57:35.240 --> 0:57:36.800
<v Speaker 1>booger secret.

0:57:38.760 --> 0:57:47.800
<v Speaker 4>Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a okay, it's weird

0:57:48.040 --> 0:57:54.600
<v Speaker 4>because nobody knows. It's not anything like really gross, it's

0:57:54.800 --> 0:58:03.120
<v Speaker 4>just okay. Sometimes when I'm in my car, I pick

0:58:03.160 --> 0:58:06.120
<v Speaker 4>my booger and I put it under my seat because

0:58:06.120 --> 0:58:12.080
<v Speaker 4>I don't have any other tissues around me, or like

0:58:12.280 --> 0:58:17.880
<v Speaker 4>sometimes when I'm like in my room, I put it

0:58:17.880 --> 0:58:26.400
<v Speaker 4>on the wall, or sometimes like even when I'm in

0:58:26.400 --> 0:58:31.720
<v Speaker 4>like a public space, if nobody's watching me, I will

0:58:31.760 --> 0:58:33.680
<v Speaker 4>do it real quick and I will put it underneath

0:58:33.720 --> 0:58:34.680
<v Speaker 4>like the seat or something.

0:58:37.080 --> 0:58:37.720
<v Speaker 2>It's not like.

0:58:40.040 --> 0:58:46.720
<v Speaker 1>Sorry, go ahead, No.

0:58:43.880 --> 0:58:48.320
<v Speaker 4>No, it's not like okay, it's only I don't do

0:58:48.400 --> 0:58:51.000
<v Speaker 4>this all the time, just to let you know. I

0:58:51.200 --> 0:58:56.480
<v Speaker 4>just it's like it's only when like my nose is

0:58:56.480 --> 0:59:01.080
<v Speaker 4>like super dry. I just I can't stand it when

0:59:01.200 --> 0:59:06.120
<v Speaker 4>I have boogers in my nose. And I will only

0:59:06.160 --> 0:59:12.040
<v Speaker 4>do this when I don't have like tissues available like

0:59:13.080 --> 0:59:15.760
<v Speaker 4>does this sound crazy? Or am I is it valid?

0:59:15.840 --> 0:59:16.080
<v Speaker 2>Or no?

0:59:17.120 --> 0:59:18.760
<v Speaker 1>How long have you been doing this?

0:59:23.640 --> 0:59:28.840
<v Speaker 4>Probably for like since I was like nineteen, I'm twenty

0:59:28.840 --> 0:59:34.120
<v Speaker 4>two now I'm a full grown adult. Like that's the thing,

0:59:34.240 --> 0:59:38.960
<v Speaker 4>Like does this sound crazy that I do this?

0:59:39.160 --> 0:59:39.320
<v Speaker 2>Or no?

0:59:39.400 --> 0:59:42.360
<v Speaker 4>Because sometimes I can think like like I know full

0:59:42.400 --> 0:59:46.880
<v Speaker 4>well what I'm doing, but I still do it. No,

0:59:47.040 --> 0:59:48.560
<v Speaker 4>I used to do that and no one, no one

0:59:48.640 --> 0:59:49.200
<v Speaker 4>knows about it.

0:59:50.000 --> 0:59:52.520
<v Speaker 1>No, No I I uh no, I used to do

0:59:52.560 --> 0:59:54.160
<v Speaker 1>that too. And then here's what I found out is

0:59:54.200 --> 0:59:59.520
<v Speaker 1>that the boogers they don't go away. Man, Like you

0:59:59.560 --> 1:00:01.160
<v Speaker 1>can three you can pick them, you can put them

1:00:01.160 --> 1:00:03.280
<v Speaker 1>on a wall, or you can put them on your seat,

1:00:03.360 --> 1:00:06.400
<v Speaker 1>under your car or whatever. But you know, one day

1:00:06.400 --> 1:00:08.640
<v Speaker 1>you're gonna look at your wall and be like, oh,

1:00:08.680 --> 1:00:11.080
<v Speaker 1>there's somebody boogers on this fucking wall. You know. They

1:00:11.080 --> 1:00:16.400
<v Speaker 1>don't evaporate. That's why you gotta eat them. No, No,

1:00:18.160 --> 1:00:19.760
<v Speaker 1>you don't eat them.

1:00:20.160 --> 1:00:22.320
<v Speaker 4>No, why would dission?

1:00:22.680 --> 1:00:23.160
<v Speaker 2>What do you mean?

1:00:23.200 --> 1:00:26.360
<v Speaker 1>Why would you? It's way more it's way more disgusting

1:00:27.440 --> 1:00:30.880
<v Speaker 1>to wipe them on the wall and the car then

1:00:30.960 --> 1:00:33.240
<v Speaker 1>to eat them. That's way more disgusting.

1:00:35.520 --> 1:00:40.760
<v Speaker 4>I'm okay, I'm putting it on, all.

1:00:39.520 --> 1:00:42.160
<v Speaker 1>Right, your hold on your phone? Your your phone is

1:00:42.200 --> 1:00:44.040
<v Speaker 1>cut your phone sucks and it's cutting out. So I'm

1:00:44.040 --> 1:00:45.680
<v Speaker 1>gonna go on a rant to you about something. Here's

1:00:45.680 --> 1:00:53.200
<v Speaker 1>the thing is, I had I had a moment. So

1:00:53.360 --> 1:00:58.200
<v Speaker 1>when I get really depressed and nihilistic, uh, there's little

1:00:58.280 --> 1:01:03.400
<v Speaker 1>upsides to it. Like I was in the subway train

1:01:04.120 --> 1:01:07.560
<v Speaker 1>and I was looking around and I was like, you know,

1:01:08.240 --> 1:01:10.880
<v Speaker 1>I don't care about any of the I don't like,

1:01:11.360 --> 1:01:14.240
<v Speaker 1>what do I give a shit about any of these people.

1:01:14.320 --> 1:01:17.480
<v Speaker 1>They're never gonna see me again. Why do I care

1:01:17.520 --> 1:01:22.680
<v Speaker 1>what they think? And I was I was like feeling sick,

1:01:22.760 --> 1:01:23.920
<v Speaker 1>Like I was like, I need to go I need

1:01:23.960 --> 1:01:25.400
<v Speaker 1>to go home. I can't be here right now as

1:01:25.400 --> 1:01:28.200
<v Speaker 1>I'm on the subway train. And so I just blow

1:01:28.280 --> 1:01:34.320
<v Speaker 1>my nose directly into my shirt. And I had some popcorn, yeah,

1:01:34.320 --> 1:01:36.200
<v Speaker 1>and I had some popcorn with me, and so I'm

1:01:36.320 --> 1:01:39.200
<v Speaker 1>and I'm eating the popcorn and it's like getting on

1:01:39.280 --> 1:01:41.760
<v Speaker 1>my stomach and I'm like eating it like a monster.

1:01:41.920 --> 1:01:47.320
<v Speaker 1>And I'm taking turns blowing my nose into my shirt

1:01:47.320 --> 1:01:50.680
<v Speaker 1>and eating the popcorn, and nobody, this one lady looks

1:01:50.720 --> 1:01:53.959
<v Speaker 1>at me a little bit but everyone else just doesn't care.

1:01:55.000 --> 1:01:59.240
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, oh, this nihilism's pretty cool. Actually, like

1:01:59.560 --> 1:02:02.919
<v Speaker 1>you know, this is my I felt it was really

1:02:03.000 --> 1:02:07.200
<v Speaker 1>punk rock. You know, I'm defying. I think eating I

1:02:07.800 --> 1:02:11.720
<v Speaker 1>mean that, I think eating your boogers is punk rock.

1:02:11.760 --> 1:02:16.640
<v Speaker 1>It's defiant of the dominant social culture which tells you

1:02:16.680 --> 1:02:21.720
<v Speaker 1>to not do that, So it's in its own Look,

1:02:21.760 --> 1:02:24.560
<v Speaker 1>people won't agree with you, or I mean, I agree

1:02:24.560 --> 1:02:27.320
<v Speaker 1>with me. You're not the one saying this, but people

1:02:27.360 --> 1:02:31.160
<v Speaker 1>won't agree with me. But it's it's cool to pick

1:02:31.240 --> 1:02:35.440
<v Speaker 1>your nose and eat it because it's defiant of societal culture.

1:02:35.440 --> 1:02:38.080
<v Speaker 1>It's like kind of classic. It's like you're like, if

1:02:38.120 --> 1:02:40.280
<v Speaker 1>you pick your nose and eat it, you're kind of

1:02:40.360 --> 1:02:42.560
<v Speaker 1>like that dude that stood in front of the tanks

1:02:42.560 --> 1:02:45.840
<v Speaker 1>at tim and Square. You know, like I'll put both

1:02:45.880 --> 1:02:50.640
<v Speaker 1>of those on the same level of cultural defiance.

1:02:52.760 --> 1:02:56.640
<v Speaker 4>I don't understand what you talked about.

1:02:56.360 --> 1:03:00.800
<v Speaker 1>What guy, you don't You don't know what I'm talking about.

1:03:02.200 --> 1:03:03.440
<v Speaker 4>I might be too young for that.

1:03:04.120 --> 1:03:11.320
<v Speaker 1>Tum and square in front of the tanks elaborate please

1:03:12.360 --> 1:03:16.960
<v Speaker 1>never mind, but anyway, the anyway, Yeah, so that's why

1:03:17.000 --> 1:03:18.800
<v Speaker 1>I think you should pick your nose and eat it

1:03:18.880 --> 1:03:24.240
<v Speaker 1>instead of wiping it on something. Because here's why I'm

1:03:24.240 --> 1:03:26.760
<v Speaker 1>gonna well, like, because when you pick your nose and

1:03:26.800 --> 1:03:30.040
<v Speaker 1>you wipe it on your walls and stuff, like, you're

1:03:30.360 --> 1:03:33.000
<v Speaker 1>putting out negative energy into the universe. I think, and

1:03:33.040 --> 1:03:35.120
<v Speaker 1>I and I say that as somebody who picked his

1:03:35.200 --> 1:03:37.120
<v Speaker 1>nose and wiped it on stuff for a long time,

1:03:37.280 --> 1:03:40.920
<v Speaker 1>I think you put negative energy out into the universe.

1:03:41.080 --> 1:03:44.520
<v Speaker 1>But when you pick your nose and you eat it,

1:03:44.520 --> 1:03:50.520
<v Speaker 1>it's like you're recycling. You put your body back into itself.

1:03:50.760 --> 1:03:53.640
<v Speaker 1>You put you put your body back into itself. It's no,

1:03:53.800 --> 1:03:56.880
<v Speaker 1>it's way less gross than wiping it on stuff. I

1:03:56.920 --> 1:03:58.360
<v Speaker 1>will defend that to the death.

1:04:00.640 --> 1:04:03.120
<v Speaker 4>So what you're saying is it's pretty gross.

1:04:03.200 --> 1:04:03.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm doing that.

1:04:05.240 --> 1:04:08.400
<v Speaker 1>I mean, it's undeniably gross. Yeah, I mean I say

1:04:08.400 --> 1:04:11.120
<v Speaker 1>that as somebody who did it. But just because I

1:04:11.200 --> 1:04:16.080
<v Speaker 1>did it doesn't mean it wasn't you know, gross.

1:04:17.880 --> 1:04:22.760
<v Speaker 4>It's it's like, Okay. The reason why if I say

1:04:22.800 --> 1:04:27.560
<v Speaker 4>it's a secret is because it's gotten so bad, Like,

1:04:28.720 --> 1:04:30.600
<v Speaker 4>it's gotten so bad to the point where I do

1:04:30.680 --> 1:04:36.520
<v Speaker 4>it in public places when no one's looking. I honestly,

1:04:36.640 --> 1:04:39.280
<v Speaker 4>I now that you're like putting it in that kind

1:04:39.320 --> 1:04:44.920
<v Speaker 4>of perspective, it sounds really gross, But honestly, I wouldn't

1:04:44.960 --> 1:04:46.760
<v Speaker 4>defend eating it.

1:04:52.160 --> 1:04:55.000
<v Speaker 1>Would you defend wiping it on a wall or on

1:04:55.120 --> 1:04:59.200
<v Speaker 1>a the in the bottom of your car seat, But

1:04:59.400 --> 1:04:59.960
<v Speaker 1>you can cl.

1:05:00.200 --> 1:05:04.280
<v Speaker 4>It out after, Like when I I don't just okay,

1:05:04.360 --> 1:05:06.920
<v Speaker 4>when I put it on the wall. I might leave

1:05:06.960 --> 1:05:08.840
<v Speaker 4>it on there for maybe like a day or two,

1:05:10.080 --> 1:05:14.920
<v Speaker 4>sometimes a week if I'm lazy, but I clean it

1:05:16.200 --> 1:05:20.760
<v Speaker 4>and I wipe it off. Sometimes they get a little

1:05:20.760 --> 1:05:25.560
<v Speaker 4>crusty and I gotta like scrape it off, but I

1:05:25.680 --> 1:05:28.440
<v Speaker 4>clean it as when it's you know, it's not like

1:05:28.480 --> 1:05:29.680
<v Speaker 4>a build up or nothing.

1:05:30.280 --> 1:05:33.120
<v Speaker 1>You know, there's so many you ever think about how

1:05:33.120 --> 1:05:37.040
<v Speaker 1>many defects there are to the human body, Like the

1:05:37.080 --> 1:05:40.360
<v Speaker 1>fact that we like like little things, like we like sugar,

1:05:40.440 --> 1:05:45.400
<v Speaker 1>but it's bad for us. And yeah, our nose builds

1:05:45.480 --> 1:05:49.120
<v Speaker 1>up with these boogers, but we don't have any natural

1:05:49.280 --> 1:05:54.200
<v Speaker 1>biological way to like dispose of them. You know. I

1:05:54.200 --> 1:05:56.240
<v Speaker 1>guess it's like, well, I guess it's like poop like

1:05:56.320 --> 1:05:59.680
<v Speaker 1>we're supposed to, Yeah, you know, get rid of it.

1:05:59.760 --> 1:06:02.080
<v Speaker 1>But I but it's weird, right because I wouldn't I

1:06:02.080 --> 1:06:06.880
<v Speaker 1>think eating your own poop is gross. Well, yeah, it's weird,

1:06:06.920 --> 1:06:11.640
<v Speaker 1>I think. Yeah, okay, okay, I wouldn't get eating eating

1:06:11.680 --> 1:06:14.080
<v Speaker 1>your own poop is gross. Well it's it's kind of

1:06:14.080 --> 1:06:15.800
<v Speaker 1>a different thing, but it's not really like eating your

1:06:15.800 --> 1:06:19.160
<v Speaker 1>own poop is gross. Drinking your own piss is gross.

1:06:19.800 --> 1:06:24.200
<v Speaker 1>But I don't put eating your own buggers in that category.

1:06:24.240 --> 1:06:26.680
<v Speaker 1>I don't know why. It's it's kind of it's a

1:06:26.720 --> 1:06:27.720
<v Speaker 1>similar universe.

1:06:29.440 --> 1:06:33.080
<v Speaker 4>I mean, you can The reason why I say it's

1:06:33.120 --> 1:06:36.080
<v Speaker 4>grosser to eat it is because you can actually get

1:06:36.120 --> 1:06:41.280
<v Speaker 4>sick from eating it. It's because burgers have like more bacteria.

1:06:41.360 --> 1:06:45.120
<v Speaker 4>Like I understand how nasty it is. That's why I

1:06:45.120 --> 1:06:51.640
<v Speaker 4>wouldn't put it back into my body mm hmm. And

1:06:51.640 --> 1:06:55.360
<v Speaker 4>and the whole poop and peeping. I mean, like, the

1:06:55.480 --> 1:06:58.960
<v Speaker 4>only way I would defend drinking your own piss is

1:06:59.080 --> 1:07:03.120
<v Speaker 4>by if you're, like in a desert, you have nothing else.

1:07:03.960 --> 1:07:05.560
<v Speaker 1>If you were in a desert and you had nothing else,

1:07:05.560 --> 1:07:06.680
<v Speaker 1>would you eat your own boogers?

1:07:08.720 --> 1:07:13.040
<v Speaker 4>Okay, okay? How many calories does a booger have?

1:07:13.120 --> 1:07:13.400
<v Speaker 2>Though?

1:07:13.800 --> 1:07:15.840
<v Speaker 1>Like, how old I'm looking this up?

1:07:15.920 --> 1:07:18.640
<v Speaker 4>How fool am I going to get if I eat

1:07:18.680 --> 1:07:19.760
<v Speaker 4>my bone boogers?

1:07:19.960 --> 1:07:27.640
<v Speaker 1>How many cal calories are I'm glad I don't have

1:07:27.680 --> 1:07:30.640
<v Speaker 1>like a like a podcast producer guy that like looks

1:07:30.680 --> 1:07:32.880
<v Speaker 1>things up for me, because I think I should be

1:07:32.960 --> 1:07:36.280
<v Speaker 1>forced to do it myself. How many calories are in

1:07:37.440 --> 1:07:47.680
<v Speaker 1>a hold on a bogger? A single booger contains negligible

1:07:48.600 --> 1:07:52.520
<v Speaker 1>Oh wait, this is gross. A single booger contains negligible

1:07:52.600 --> 1:07:56.600
<v Speaker 1>calories because it's mostly water, dust, and dirt. However, the

1:07:56.760 --> 1:08:01.200
<v Speaker 1>mucus your body produces daily can contain protein and sugar,

1:08:01.600 --> 1:08:07.160
<v Speaker 1>and you swallow a significant amount per day. Some estimates

1:08:07.240 --> 1:08:12.760
<v Speaker 1>suggest that you swallow up to two hundred calories worth

1:08:12.840 --> 1:08:16.800
<v Speaker 1>of mucus a day. This is a recycling of your

1:08:16.840 --> 1:08:22.599
<v Speaker 1>body's own resources rather than a new calorie intake. Yeah,

1:08:22.640 --> 1:08:25.200
<v Speaker 1>this is Google so again, So okay, so my theory

1:08:25.280 --> 1:08:26.920
<v Speaker 1>was right. Yeah, when you eat your own booger, you're

1:08:26.960 --> 1:08:30.960
<v Speaker 1>just recycling your body's own own calories. Your body's on energy,

1:08:33.080 --> 1:08:36.559
<v Speaker 1>so it's fine. But when you wipe it on a

1:08:37.120 --> 1:08:41.760
<v Speaker 1>you know, door, a lamppost or whatever, you're putting your.

1:08:41.720 --> 1:08:43.799
<v Speaker 4>Shit calories, I'm losing protein.

1:08:43.960 --> 1:08:50.840
<v Speaker 1>You're losing protein exactly. What's your name again, Vanessa? I'm

1:08:50.840 --> 1:08:53.639
<v Speaker 1>glad we had this conversation, Withessa, this was This was enlightening.

1:08:53.720 --> 1:08:56.760
<v Speaker 1>This has empowered me to continue to be horrifically disgusting

1:08:56.800 --> 1:08:58.120
<v Speaker 1>in all areas of my life.

1:09:00.439 --> 1:09:03.800
<v Speaker 4>It just it's a reminder of how discussing people are.

1:09:05.920 --> 1:09:07.120
<v Speaker 1>Is there anything else you want to say to the

1:09:07.120 --> 1:09:08.400
<v Speaker 1>people of the computer before.

1:09:08.160 --> 1:09:14.240
<v Speaker 4>We go, No, this was a pretty good conversation. I

1:09:14.320 --> 1:09:16.200
<v Speaker 4>can't believe he called me honestly.

1:09:17.720 --> 1:09:21.200
<v Speaker 1>Beautiful. Thank you, Vanessa, and keep doing whatever the hell

1:09:21.240 --> 1:09:22.040
<v Speaker 1>you want with your boogers.

1:09:22.040 --> 1:09:26.599
<v Speaker 4>It's none of my business, all right, YouTube, love you.

1:09:26.560 --> 1:09:27.800
<v Speaker 1>Get bye bye?

1:09:29.000 --> 1:09:29.160
<v Speaker 2>Right.

1:09:32.840 --> 1:09:36.320
<v Speaker 1>Two hundred calories of mucus a day. That's a lot

1:09:38.000 --> 1:09:41.000
<v Speaker 1>if I next time I go to try to start

1:09:41.000 --> 1:09:44.880
<v Speaker 1>cutting calories out of my diet and lose weight, I'm

1:09:44.880 --> 1:09:48.800
<v Speaker 1>gonna start with mucus. Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's

1:09:48.880 --> 1:09:52.520
<v Speaker 1>the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing

1:09:52.560 --> 1:09:57.639
<v Speaker 1>a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra

1:09:57.800 --> 1:10:00.720
<v Speaker 1>hour of the podcast that you you can listen to

1:10:00.840 --> 1:10:05.080
<v Speaker 1>by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at

1:10:05.120 --> 1:10:10.000
<v Speaker 1>therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access

1:10:10.040 --> 1:10:13.920
<v Speaker 1>to bonus episodes. They get a completely ad free podcast

1:10:13.960 --> 1:10:16.760
<v Speaker 1>feed of the regular show. They get recordings from my

1:10:16.880 --> 1:10:20.479
<v Speaker 1>live shows, members only streams, and they help support my

1:10:20.560 --> 1:10:24.160
<v Speaker 1>ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip

1:10:24.360 --> 1:10:27.600
<v Speaker 1>from this week's members only bonus episode.

1:10:28.120 --> 1:10:34.759
<v Speaker 3>So short of it is, I had a dog put

1:10:34.840 --> 1:10:38.360
<v Speaker 3>down that I had for a very short amount of

1:10:38.400 --> 1:10:42.479
<v Speaker 3>time instead of like bringing it to a shelter because

1:10:42.520 --> 1:10:49.599
<v Speaker 3>all the shelters are really full and I can't keep it. Yeah,

1:10:49.640 --> 1:10:50.439
<v Speaker 3>it's a big one.

1:10:50.840 --> 1:10:52.960
<v Speaker 1>How okay, how old was this dog?

1:10:54.400 --> 1:10:56.479
<v Speaker 2>About four years old?

1:10:56.600 --> 1:10:59.679
<v Speaker 3>But I only had it for like three months.

1:11:00.960 --> 1:11:04.120
<v Speaker 1>Four years old is a little young to put down

1:11:04.120 --> 1:11:05.400
<v Speaker 1>a dog. Why'd you have to talk?

1:11:05.640 --> 1:11:09.439
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I know. I contacted some I looked them up.

1:11:09.479 --> 1:11:11.760
<v Speaker 3>They're like, yeah, it's gonna be this much of a weight,

1:11:11.800 --> 1:11:14.439
<v Speaker 3>and I'm like, I'm gonna have to be gone by then.

1:11:15.120 --> 1:11:17.559
<v Speaker 3>And that dog would have been alone with, you know,

1:11:17.760 --> 1:11:21.160
<v Speaker 3>my significant other. And he couldn't even put him on

1:11:21.200 --> 1:11:24.040
<v Speaker 3>a leash. He tried letting him outside the pee and

1:11:24.080 --> 1:11:27.280
<v Speaker 3>he would like just cry and piss on himself.

1:11:27.360 --> 1:11:33.120
<v Speaker 1>So it's just I mean, shit, brother, you you why'd

1:11:33.120 --> 1:11:35.800
<v Speaker 1>you get the dog in the first place. If you

1:11:35.800 --> 1:11:38.080
<v Speaker 1>want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up

1:11:38.120 --> 1:11:42.000
<v Speaker 1>to become a Premium member at Therapy Gecko dot supercast

1:11:42.240 --> 1:11:45.759
<v Speaker 1>dot com, or find the link in the episode description

1:11:46.200 --> 1:11:51.080
<v Speaker 1>that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I

1:11:51.120 --> 1:11:57.479
<v Speaker 1>have nothing else to say. Goes on the line every night,

1:11:58.800 --> 1:12:02.479
<v Speaker 1>goes to its teaching news about in your life. But

1:12:02.680 --> 1:12:04.640
<v Speaker 1>he's not really an expert.