Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, it's your name?
Speaker 2: You want to you wanna name me?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm gonna name you Kevin. What's going on, Kevin?
Speaker 3: Hi?
Speaker 2: Uh? Not much. I am just nothing time a lot lately,
Speaker 2: painting and making music pretty much. That's all I'm doing.
Speaker 1: What was the first thing you said?
Speaker 2: Painting and doing music?
Speaker 1: Oh? What have you been painting?
Speaker 2: I'm painting this figure that looks like it has a
Speaker 2: chrome in front of a field of flowers. I don't
Speaker 2: I don't know how to describe it. It's uh, it's blindfolded,
Speaker 2: it's shiny, it's pretty red and blue and green.
Speaker 1: What made you want to get into painting?
Speaker 2: Burnout? Total burnout? And the doctor said, like, maybe I
Speaker 2: should give a painting and try because I was pitching
Speaker 2: a lot about painters.
Speaker 1: You were bitching a lot about painters.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like I don't get it, Like,
Speaker 2: is it something that that like? Is it very classiest?
Speaker 2: To me at that time? You know, like only you
Speaker 2: had to be like in a certain personality like hipsters
Speaker 2: to be a painter. And I didn't understood it.
Speaker 1: I have so many questions for you. You why did you
Speaker 1: like how did you even get on that topic with
Speaker 1: your doctor, Like, I, okay, I understand. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I understand, through some stream of consciousness, you arrive at
Speaker 1: the thought that painters are pretentious and it's classes to paint.
Speaker 1: I understand you arrive at that in your stream of consciousness,
Speaker 1: like when you're just taking a walk or whatever. But
Speaker 1: how did you get from that point to your now
Speaker 1: verbalizing it to your doctor.
Speaker 2: Dude, It's been such a long journey for that, you know.
Speaker 2: The burnout was just like a bunch of things that
Speaker 2: happened at the same time, and somehow painting got in
Speaker 2: the way and became a tool that I, like, I
Speaker 2: was really a perfection and so I wasn't this big
Speaker 2: take job before doing like one hundred thousands of dollars
Speaker 2: a year and all that nonsense of corporate run. And
Speaker 2: then I kind of broke down and I had this impression,
Speaker 2: and then he kind of convinced me that I should
Speaker 2: give it a try, that there's maybe something into it.
Speaker 2: And I took I took come to I took up
Speaker 2: his uh, his advice, I guess, and I give it
Speaker 2: a try. And then I discovered a lot of things
Speaker 2: during that moment where I was not thinking and then
Speaker 2: I realized stuff. Since and it's been two years, I'm thinking, now.
Speaker 1: You burned out so bad that you had to go
Speaker 1: to a doctor about it?
Speaker 2: Is what I Yeah, I have a psychiatrist. You had
Speaker 2: a what I have a psychiatrist?
Speaker 1: Oh okay this did your psychiatrist told you this?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What was the moment? What was like the straw that
Speaker 1: broke the camel's back? What was the thing that made
Speaker 1: you go, okay, I have to like seek medical attention
Speaker 1: for this.
Speaker 2: Well, at the beginning, it was like little things. To
Speaker 2: be honest, like I then went to the doctor right
Speaker 2: away when I had a burnout. It kind of became
Speaker 2: a burner while I was seeing a doctor, and before
Speaker 2: it was just a therapist before evolving to a psychiatrist.
Speaker 2: And I thought I had like some disorder or something
Speaker 2: because I had this intensity of doing things that they
Speaker 2: are so neat that I have to be all the way.
Speaker 2: And like I was asking myself some questions like Okay, no,
Speaker 2: I'm not normal. I think like if I compare myself
Speaker 2: to the others, I kind of need to. I don't know,
Speaker 2: like there's a balance that it's not working out anymore today,
Speaker 2: And before it kind of worked out, like I was
Speaker 2: excelling at things that was really good. I'm making money,
Speaker 2: I was happy doing a bunch of shit. I had family,
Speaker 2: my girlfriend and dog and even a car one and
Speaker 2: I was lining up to get a house and shit,
Speaker 2: and then everything can broke down at the same time
Speaker 2: when I was asking my sort real question after those
Speaker 2: first indicators of me thinking there's something wrong with me.
Speaker 1: So you had the kind of traditional, picturesque life that
Speaker 1: is afforded to you by a tech job, and then
Speaker 1: you started to break down, and then you started asking
Speaker 1: yourself the real questions. What are the real questions?
Speaker 2: I don't know what the fuck I'm doing on this
Speaker 2: perasment or whatever this is, Like I don't believe in
Speaker 2: reality right.
Speaker 1: Now as we're talking, you don't believe in reality.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, I steal it. I know it's crazy
Speaker 2: talking shit, but deep down, like if people are believing
Speaker 2: things like FAI the universe or whatever, I'm believing this
Speaker 2: reality is not it is. There's more than this, Like, Ei,
Speaker 2: there's something weird going on.
Speaker 1: What do you think is going on?
Speaker 2: I don't know, Like, didn't you feel something is weird?
Speaker 2: Like definitely there's something where we're definitely under this thing
Speaker 2: that we have to accept but we don't really have to,
Speaker 2: but we're still doing it. And I don't get it, Like,
Speaker 2: why are people not being more angry towards the things
Speaker 2: that are happening more just letting the things happen? You know?
Speaker 2: I know that, like I know, disrespect to people, striking
Speaker 2: and movements and organization, all of that. But after forty
Speaker 2: years on this planet, ude, I don't see much change.
Speaker 2: I don't like getting worse. Like, can you continue the opposite?
Speaker 1: Could you do me a favorite? I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: on the speakerphone or if I'm on a headset or anything,
Speaker 1: but if i am, can you take me off?
Speaker 2: No? No, no, you're not, like I mean my room,
Speaker 2: Like I made.
Speaker 1: Sure you're you're you're holding you're holding your phone right
Speaker 1: up to your ear. Yeah, dude, okay, hmm okay. Well,
Speaker 1: well you said a lot of things. I mean, the
Speaker 1: thing about whether or not things are going to get
Speaker 1: worse we could talk about, but ah, crap, you you
Speaker 1: had a point that I really wanted to touch on.
Speaker 1: You said, the people accept that. What do you like,
Speaker 1: what do you think people are blindly accepting that? Your
Speaker 1: brain is telling you to challenge.
Speaker 2: Like, if I have to put it in one word,
Speaker 2: it's freaking catch it o't dude, it's a it's a
Speaker 2: it's a joke. It's like money is fake. Like I
Speaker 2: know we can do things with it and make the world,
Speaker 2: girrun it or whatever, but we are proving decades that's
Speaker 2: the decades and it's been maybe a few centuries now
Speaker 2: that it's not helping everyone and just the one. Like
Speaker 2: you know, war theory like game theory, like war game theory,
Speaker 2: the sooner the first who defects is the one who's
Speaker 2: gaining everything, you know, Like if everybody coperates but one defects,
Speaker 2: that guy's a winner.
Speaker 1: M hmm.
Speaker 2: I think that's what's happening today.
Speaker 1: And you quit a job that I was making you
Speaker 1: a lot of money.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I'm not going to disclose the terms of
Speaker 2: my employment right now. But I didn't quit.
Speaker 1: You didn't quit, No, And are you still working as
Speaker 1: hard as much as you were working before.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be honest with you, like I've been very
Speaker 2: lucky to learn a very good job, and I have
Speaker 2: these private insurance now that are taking care of me.
Speaker 2: While I figured.
Speaker 1: You said you have private insurance.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, while I figured this out.
Speaker 1: Interesting, Okay, So it's so so you believe because we're
Speaker 1: talking about a lot of things because I think on
Speaker 1: one end, you're just talking you're talking about like, okay,
Speaker 1: from a from a point of view that's grounded in
Speaker 1: this reality and in the acceptance that reality does exist,
Speaker 1: and we're looking at society. We're saying that capitalism is
Speaker 1: like the thing that people people shouldn't be accepting. There's
Speaker 1: a lot of different conversations. I'm trying to reel you
Speaker 1: in on I guess one particular thing because now then
Speaker 1: then then we're on like a metaphysical level where you're like,
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure reality exists. So so let's go
Speaker 1: there first. No you no, No, you're not confusing me at all.
Speaker 1: You're just you're getting everything out and I'm trying to
Speaker 1: kind of boil it down. So what is it what's
Speaker 1: going on day to day that makes you think reality
Speaker 1: might not exist?
Speaker 2: Everything's kind of obvious, Everything is kind of scripted, Everything
Speaker 2: is kind of it's kind of easy to read, like
Speaker 2: to understand everything, and like a little bit predictable to
Speaker 2: a point that it's kind of like is there a
Speaker 2: joke being pulled onto? That's that's what makes me feel
Speaker 2: like reality is wonky, Like I don't understand where some
Speaker 2: people are not able to see the path that you
Speaker 2: need to take to be able to be better, which
Speaker 2: is extremely paradoxical with what I'm doing right now. But
Speaker 2: when people talk to me about whatever's happening in their lives,
Speaker 2: I feel everything is the same as everybody else, and
Speaker 2: I get like, why are they not trying to do
Speaker 2: something else too? They're just like letting everything happen, Like.
Speaker 1: You feel like everyone around you is like letting life
Speaker 1: happen to them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's a good way to
Speaker 2: put it.
Speaker 1: That's less Okay, No, Well, well you're feeling existential and
Speaker 1: I'm trying to tap into whatever your existential feelings are
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to understand them.
Speaker 2: Well maybe, yeah, it would help you to understand that
Speaker 2: I lost my whole support system, like my founding and
Speaker 2: all that stuff, and I had to like understand why
Speaker 2: I had to do that, and like, you know, when
Speaker 2: you know about nurture and environment and how I can
Speaker 2: deal someone and when their kids will it's just saying
Speaker 2: my founding is not good. And I was part of
Speaker 2: that for too long without realizing it until one point
Speaker 2: I realized it, which is part of the burn up shit.
Speaker 2: So I don't have support system, like and one of
Speaker 2: those people who kind of like find their new identity
Speaker 2: and during this split splitting of a personality and all
Speaker 2: that stuff, like you have to go through these weird places,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you said you're forty. Yeah, And how long ago
Speaker 1: did your family support system dissipate.
Speaker 4: Officially?
Speaker 2: Like like like when I did the action, not when
Speaker 2: I started to try to you know, there's a moment
Speaker 2: where I started to acknowledge it and talk about it
Speaker 2: and try to work it out. It's been a long period.
Speaker 2: And then after that I made an action and then
Speaker 2: never came back from it. And that's been like going
Speaker 2: to be two years this December.
Speaker 1: Okay. And the way you're talking about these people, it
Speaker 1: doesn't sound like they died. It sounds like you cut
Speaker 1: them off. Yeah, And are they these were these your
Speaker 1: parents and siblings or were these Yeah? Were these parents
Speaker 1: and sibling siblings?
Speaker 2: Siblings and parents that did direct family? My family migrated
Speaker 2: here from another country after like the leadership and whatever,
Speaker 2: and then they made me and then they moved out
Speaker 2: of this country.
Speaker 1: And here I am and uh are you? Are you
Speaker 1: able to explain what it is that made you want
Speaker 1: to cut your family off?
Speaker 2: I started to explore my queer sign and that's where
Speaker 2: I started realizing that my family is not really in
Speaker 2: that way, and actually they are much more of the
Speaker 2: other way. And they're quite bullieved and classic people with
Speaker 2: with way too much money in their hands, you know
Speaker 2: what to do with it and tend them like into
Speaker 2: back people, and they were so poor before. And I
Speaker 2: don't get it.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm sorry, man, Can you try to try to
Speaker 1: speak a little bit clear into the into the phone.
Speaker 1: I'm having a little bit of trouble here in you.
Speaker 2: Sorry, dude, Sorry, dude. So my family doesn't like queer
Speaker 2: people basically, and they're really against it.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. And did you have a conversation with them
Speaker 1: or you like you came out to them essentially? Uh?
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, yeah, no I did. It was like, it's
Speaker 2: a funny question because people would imagine that when you
Speaker 2: ask a question, you you go through this scene where
Speaker 2: you tell your family, hey, this is what's happening, but
Speaker 2: the bland. Then you talk about it. I didn't get
Speaker 2: to to to do that. I like, I tried to
Speaker 2: get to that scene, and then then it got bad
Speaker 2: ready even before I got there, And so then I
Speaker 2: decided to cut the bombs and enduring that was cutting
Speaker 2: the bonds if I did that a bit of a speech,
Speaker 2: I said who I was, what I was picking from them,
Speaker 2: and why I was putting them to focus.
Speaker 1: And even before that, it sounds like you had some
Speaker 1: tensions with them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I know. It's very sad what poor education
Speaker 2: can do to a family who had to flee a
Speaker 2: country and then just have full of PTSD and bad
Speaker 2: parents on their own can get pretty violent.
Speaker 1: Poor education meaning that your parents were poorly educated.
Speaker 2: Yeah mm hmm. Yeah, I'm just saying that. You know,
Speaker 2: there were bad parents, but I know why.
Speaker 1: Yeah, was anyone you have siblings, right, how many siblings
Speaker 1: do you have?
Speaker 2: Two of them older?
Speaker 1: Were any of them supportive or everyone was against this?
Speaker 2: Everybody was against this.
Speaker 1: So this happened two years ago, and but the whole
Speaker 1: but again, yeah, for the your whole life, you kind
Speaker 1: of were there was contention with the family.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, But the thing is, you see, I didn't
Speaker 2: really realize it at first, like a lot of things
Speaker 2: get normalized, Like you know how a lot of Latinos
Speaker 2: are saying, like getting hit by your mom is kind
Speaker 2: of normal, but mm hmm, it's like it's really it
Speaker 2: sucks to say that. It kind of is as long
Speaker 2: as your family is still supported of you, you know,
Speaker 2: like did you feel love from them? But I had
Speaker 2: nothing of that. I only had discipline.
Speaker 1: So you've been saying a lot of things that are
Speaker 1: existential and I'm just gonna throw some I think I
Speaker 1: still have more. I think there's still more to dive
Speaker 1: in with you. But I'm just I'm just gonna say
Speaker 1: some stuff and tell me if it resonates with you,
Speaker 1: because like, well, okay, the existential feelings have they been having?
Speaker 1: Have they come into your brain for the in the
Speaker 1: past like a few years, like around the time that
Speaker 1: your family you cut your family off?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, because what happens Yeah go ahead, no, go ahead,
Speaker 1: because what happens is is the dude, like you know,
Speaker 1: when you walk, you know, when you're like walking down
Speaker 1: the street, you're talking to someone and or like maybe
Speaker 1: you see someone you're talking to someone and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: this person's never had an existential thought in their fucking life.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm talking about. Yea, that's because their reality.
Speaker 1: Like when you're you're questioning reality, right, because you're getting
Speaker 1: disconnected from it, because you're losing the things that connect
Speaker 1: you with reality. You get connected with reality via number one,
Speaker 1: with by connecting with other people. It's the thing I
Speaker 1: will connect you to reality deeper than fucking anything. That's
Speaker 1: why when I had I had a crazy existential crisis,
Speaker 1: and since then my relationship with my fucking family, my
Speaker 1: friends is just like I'm like, that's the that just
Speaker 1: connects me back into the fucking universe, right, And if
Speaker 1: if that gets cut off and then you're alone with
Speaker 1: your thoughts, and the other thing that connects you with
Speaker 1: reality is some kind of like job or purpose or
Speaker 1: goal or you know, you don't have fucking time to
Speaker 1: think about the questions that you're thinking about because you're busy.
Speaker 1: You gotta fucking answer emails and you got to check
Speaker 1: the uh, the s and P. Five hundred and you
Speaker 1: gotta do this. Then if you have your you know
Speaker 1: your brand and your goals and you're like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: gotta work to get this and then the other and
Speaker 1: uh when that goes away, and when your relationships go away,
Speaker 1: it's like you're in fucking outer space and the tether
Speaker 1: has been cut and you're spinning and you're floating, and
Speaker 1: you have nothing to do but think about big questions
Speaker 1: that you that a lot of people, most the majority
Speaker 1: of people are are are busy, are busy, like you know,
Speaker 1: being with their friends and family and enjoying their lives,
Speaker 1: or busy just trying to fucking survive on this planet,
Speaker 1: that they're not thinking about those things. But when that
Speaker 1: ship all goes away and you're just by yourself, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're gonna start thinking those thoughts. And you know, it's
Speaker 1: a it's sometimes a really beautiful place to be because
Speaker 1: it's like, whoa, I never questioned any of this ship before. Uh,
Speaker 1: And it's it's initially always a fucking terrifying place to be.
Speaker 1: The day I had that ex the day I had
Speaker 1: an existential crisis of one of the you know, two
Speaker 1: worst days of my fucking life, is really terrifying. But
Speaker 1: then I'm I don't know how you're feeling, but maybe
Speaker 1: when you get into that place, you start having this
Speaker 1: thought that you can't go back that you took up
Speaker 1: help that you're at that you're not only floating in
Speaker 1: out of space, but that you took the fucking helmet
Speaker 1: off and now you're getting sucked into space and you
Speaker 1: can't put it on. But the good news is that
Speaker 1: you can. I believe that you you can.
Speaker 2: So like, I don't want to sound alarmist, gig like
Speaker 2: I'm I.
Speaker 1: Don't think you're sounding alarmist. I don't think you're signing alarmist.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to relate to you.
Speaker 2: Okay, cool, go ahead, Yeah, I'm just embracing this state
Speaker 2: and I feel privilege to talk to you, and to
Speaker 2: be honest, you spoke to so many people. I really
Speaker 2: believe in that you're speaking up to a lot of people.
Speaker 2: I had a career where I spend like seven years
Speaker 2: doing surveys with a team of people for like review
Speaker 2: of budget for like fystivals here in the province of
Speaker 2: Quebec in Canada, and there's a lot of fucking fystibles
Speaker 2: and I had to talk to a lot of people.
Speaker 2: And that is fucking nice. You know, you get you
Speaker 2: get to have this this. I get what you're saying.
Speaker 2: But the problem is that I feel like it's when
Speaker 2: we get to this space that I am today, like
Speaker 2: seeing the things that I'm saying today is because the
Speaker 2: world is like that, like why are we still like
Speaker 2: doing war and stuff like that? Why are we stoping
Speaker 2: for things that it was done so long ago? And
Speaker 2: like I understand reparation all that stuff, but it's still
Speaker 2: guiding actions and politics that we can't do much about it,
Speaker 2: like we're trying to voast the thing. We're trying to
Speaker 2: do all of that stuff, and like I'm very discouraged.
Speaker 2: I feel like we need Jesus to come back, you know,
Speaker 2: like that would be nice that you would come back,
Speaker 2: Like that would be the best thing. But in the meantime,
Speaker 2: I'm like, like why I'm here. I'm trying to find
Speaker 2: a thing where like regardless if I connect to people
Speaker 2: and not that makes sense. And the only thing that
Speaker 2: I've been thinking about GEK is love and love is
Speaker 2: like when I'm falling in love, everything goes well. But
Speaker 2: of course, should I go back into that, you know,
Speaker 2: like should I take it as a thing, Like it's
Speaker 2: such a weird thing to think about it now with
Speaker 2: this state than before, because you know, when you said earlier,
Speaker 2: when there's somebody who never had like an existential crisis
Speaker 2: in their life, like they never thought about how love
Speaker 2: is influencing them to be happy. And yeah, I think
Speaker 2: of that now, Like it's not just a thought that
Speaker 2: came and no, it's like inhabiting. It's it's what's doing
Speaker 2: me right now. It's not just a theory that I understand.
Speaker 2: So I feel like I think, I think that's maybe
Speaker 2: one of the reasons I'm saying that it's a trickery,
Speaker 2: and like the universe would realize is a trickery because
Speaker 2: as soon as love fades away, like everything changes, like
Speaker 2: it's so different.
Speaker 1: I got a lot of thoughts on what you said.
Speaker 1: But yeah, by the way, when you say love, do
Speaker 1: you mean love is like a I was like an
Speaker 1: omnipotent force. So do you mean like romantic love?
Speaker 2: Ah, that's a great question, dude. Can you help me out? Like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, I.
Speaker 1: Can't, I can't help you, well do you well, only
Speaker 1: you know that only you know the answer to that question.
Speaker 2: But that's my answer. I mean, like I I don't.
Speaker 2: I'm not sure if it's one or the other right now.
Speaker 1: Well, when you were thinking about it, you had something
Speaker 1: in mind. Was what you had in mind a person
Speaker 1: that you're romantically in love with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but is it just an idea? And I feel
Speaker 2: like it's just the idea of being in Okay.
Speaker 1: Okay, so so what Yeah, so what you had in
Speaker 1: mind was a romantic was romantic love? Okay, so that's
Speaker 1: what you So that's what you meant, I think? Yeah, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: So yeah that's deeply potent. I mean, uh, yeah, if
Speaker 1: you're in love with someone and you care about them, yeah,
Speaker 1: it takes you away. I mean similar to the friend
Speaker 1: you fucking you can you can, Yeah, And you can
Speaker 1: use that to mean love is an omnipotent force, because yeah,
Speaker 1: when you're uh working out of love, yeah, you're not
Speaker 1: stuck in existential whatever. If you're you know, with your
Speaker 1: family or your friends, or like a romantic lover, or
Speaker 1: doing something you love or or contributing to some mission
Speaker 1: that you love or like loving your or whatever, then yeah,
Speaker 1: that takes you away from the existential stuff. And just
Speaker 1: like to and to your point, and it's part of
Speaker 1: an existential crisis of when you kinda like look at, yeah,
Speaker 1: the world at large and it's us. It's scary because
Speaker 1: it's yes, it's scary because it's so uncertain and this
Speaker 1: group of people that are alive today were experiencing things
Speaker 1: that we didn't think we're gonna happen. I've said this
Speaker 1: on this show before, and I really believe it. But
Speaker 1: like throughout human history, this has happened before, you know,
Speaker 1: I mean the we the fucking world was it war twice,
Speaker 1: you know, and loong before that, there's been like crusades.
Speaker 1: And I'm not a history guy. I can't like I
Speaker 1: sit here and I can't sit here and name wars.
Speaker 1: But like conflict, evolution and fear of the uncertainty is
Speaker 1: not like the things themselves are new, but the feelings
Speaker 1: are not. We're in a weird place. We're in a
Speaker 1: weird place because like things evolve at a compounding exponential rate,
Speaker 1: and we're at like a pretty strongly X. We're at
Speaker 1: like a crazy exponential curve in society right now. So
Speaker 1: I think we're uh feeling We might be feeling the
Speaker 1: feelings in a greater amount of intensity than the newest
Speaker 1: people are always going to feel the familiar feelings at
Speaker 1: the highest amount of intensity that anyone's ever felt them,
Speaker 1: because we're the newest people. But the feelings of this.
Speaker 1: The feelings have been around forever. It's the intensity that
Speaker 1: is just going to keep growing and growing and growing.
Speaker 1: But the good news is is that what's your, Kevin.
Speaker 1: The good news is that you, Kevin, don't have to
Speaker 1: solve all of the world's problems on your own. You
Speaker 1: like you, not only do you not, not only not only
Speaker 1: do you not have to you you can't like you can't.
Speaker 1: At a certain point, I think you have to accept
Speaker 1: that which is beyond you. And the beautiful thing is
Speaker 1: that once you accept that which is beyond you, you
Speaker 1: can fully, beautifully dive into that into the opposite. You
Speaker 1: dive into that which is within you, which is whatever
Speaker 1: your expressions of love are via your relationships or your
Speaker 1: painting or whatever the fuck it is. And that is
Speaker 1: better than removing your brain from your body and and
Speaker 1: trying to be God and take on the whole planet
Speaker 1: at once. It's you can't. It's just not your job
Speaker 1: to do everything at once. Your Your your job is
Speaker 1: to dive in, really, really deeply into that which is
Speaker 1: within you. And and by the way, if you if
Speaker 1: you really care and you about uh, you know, if
Speaker 1: you if you have groups of people you really care
Speaker 1: about it. You have causes you really care about, uh
Speaker 1: and things you really believe in that are like to
Speaker 1: serve you know, these greater existential uh uh societal purposes.
Speaker 1: Then you know, look, part of the diving deep into
Speaker 1: what is within your control can be doing things that
Speaker 1: that support those things that you love and care about.
Speaker 1: That's part of like diving into your love. But but
Speaker 1: you can't let it drive you into an existential insanity
Speaker 1: because then you're no good to anyone, to the you know,
Speaker 1: you know, good to yourself, and you gotta you gotta
Speaker 1: be you gotta be good to your self.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I'm gonna be honest, I'm pretty tired
Speaker 2: of being this state, Like I want to move on
Speaker 2: from it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's exhaust horrible. It's exhausting.
Speaker 2: It's so exhausting. Yeah, I had a lot of fun
Speaker 2: at the beginning, you know, like it was like a
Speaker 2: new drug. It was tripping in and discovering all these stuff,
Speaker 2: Like it was really really fun. M But you're right,
Speaker 2: and thank you for telling me that. It really feels
Speaker 2: good to hear somebody tell me instead of just my
Speaker 2: own mind trying to convince myself for that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can you can. You can go back.
Speaker 1: I probably swear you can go back. I didn't think
Speaker 1: I'd be able to go back. You can go back,
Speaker 1: but it takes some fineggling, and it takes some Uh
Speaker 1: there's something, someone somewhere to ground you back into reality
Speaker 1: and you can hopefully, hopefully you find that and then
Speaker 1: hopefully you spend the rest of your life doing that
Speaker 1: or interacting with those people, or some something takes that
Speaker 1: uh place, and then you know, uh, you make it
Speaker 1: to eighty something and then you die, and then someone
Speaker 1: will someone someone else will worry about, and then somebody
Speaker 1: else will worry about whatever the fuck you were worrying about,
Speaker 1: and it'll be their turn to you know, uh solve capitalism.
Speaker 2: You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Thanks for that one, Kevin.
Speaker 1: You said, uh, you said, you said, we don't have
Speaker 1: to go super deep into this, but you said in
Speaker 1: a text to me, you wrote, I think I am
Speaker 1: an ai.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like this associative state. It's like I don't
Speaker 2: have to think everything makes sense, like like like but
Speaker 2: if if I fall in love with something, I'm not
Speaker 2: doing that, Like it's it's weird.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Like when you're deep in this nihilism and all that stuff,
Speaker 2: like everything is evident and you're like, you know, you
Speaker 2: just get out of your head. And you said it
Speaker 2: earlier like like to take my brain out of my body,
Speaker 2: and like that's exactly how I was kind of feeling
Speaker 2: like I wanted to do that a lot, and and
Speaker 2: like I do have some friends and all that, and
Speaker 2: it's like it's a long job to build a new
Speaker 2: support system, and it's it's a thing that's happening a lot,
Speaker 2: to be honest, Like there's groups that I'm discovering and
Speaker 2: all that stuff. So it's kind of sad, right spread Okay.
Speaker 1: Wait, sorry sad said that's said that what is widespread.
Speaker 2: That I'm finding a lot of people like myself and
Speaker 2: just saying like it's there's a lot like I don't
Speaker 2: know about in your area, but in your region or whatever,
Speaker 2: but over here, like a lot of especially men on
Speaker 2: my age R going through this state of like, dude,
Speaker 2: like what we did all this effort and now fuck it?
Speaker 2: Like we're like doing this thing. It's like a movement almost.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of people like me and I after
Speaker 2: a little while, I was like that ship not hang
Speaker 2: out so much with these people, They're like bringing me down.
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna try to find more more high people.
Speaker 2: But I'm slowly getting there. You know, it's kind of
Speaker 2: easy to lose the not I don't want to say motivation,
Speaker 2: but like the face that comes with that brings you
Speaker 2: to motivation.
Speaker 3: Like.
Speaker 1: Kevin, are you there?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm here.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, No, I know what you mean. Yeah it
Speaker 1: uh it definitely, it can definitely. Yeah, certain things can
Speaker 1: cause you to lose the faith. Yeah yeah, man, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I uh, I don't know if there's related
Speaker 1: to anything, but it feels related to me. But uh,
Speaker 1: I fucking I bought a blender and I bought bananas.
Speaker 1: This is not how I normally lived my life. I
Speaker 1: bought a blender, I bought bananas, and uh I got
Speaker 1: I got powdered peanut butter and some almond milk and
Speaker 1: some fucking kale. I haven't bought k I don't think
Speaker 1: I've ever bought I'm twenty, I'm almost twenty eight years old.
Speaker 1: I don't remember. I've maybe bought bananas and kale at
Speaker 1: a grocery store. Uh once in my life before and
Speaker 1: I was just looking at the I was just like
Speaker 1: looking at the I had bananas on my like, uh,
Speaker 1: my kitchen counter, my countertop, and I've felt I just
Speaker 1: felt so normal. I felt so you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: I just felt so grounded in reality. Thank God you understand.
Speaker 1: Thank god you understand.
Speaker 2: Yeah, dude. And I call those people, you know, like
Speaker 2: the people who expect to buy a bait that's an
Speaker 2: throw for the couch in the living room. Like when
Speaker 2: you walk around here in Montreal and you look at
Speaker 2: people's houses because they have like huge window and they
Speaker 2: want to show it. Everybody has that fucking throw, like
Speaker 2: like why is that the program? Mm hmm, it's like
Speaker 2: your bananas, dude. It's like it's like that's the program.
Speaker 1: That's the program. And so okay and so and I
Speaker 1: had the I have the bananas on my kitchen table,
Speaker 1: kitchen table, and I just feel so normal. And I
Speaker 1: and I thought to myself, this is a you know,
Speaker 1: I'm just like, trust me, like I've I've been to
Speaker 1: some very you know, everyone's unique. I feel like I've
Speaker 1: been to some version of what you've been through. Else
Speaker 1: we don't think we could have this conversation. And I'm
Speaker 1: telling you, I just looked at these bananas and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I like this a lot. This is
Speaker 1: I was. I was like, I was like, oh, being
Speaker 1: in reality, which is like I wake up in the
Speaker 1: morning and I make a kale banana powdered peanut butter smoothie,
Speaker 1: and then I go to work and I have conversations
Speaker 1: with people. I'm like, oh, I'm I love. I'm just
Speaker 1: like I'm like, oh, this is what my dad feels
Speaker 1: like every day of his life. You know. I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is It just felt so fucking normal. And I
Speaker 1: was like, oh being ground like a little thing. And
Speaker 1: it wasn't a big thing that had to ground me
Speaker 1: in reality. It was having fucking bananas on my kitchen countertop.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this feels great. I don't want
Speaker 1: to go back. I don't want to go back to
Speaker 1: eating McDonald's and sitting on the curb at toy M
Speaker 1: thinking about death like like you know, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. I want to just you know, I saw
Speaker 1: I have I bought zinc tablets vitamin C. They're sitting
Speaker 1: on it. I have a fucking bottle of zinc tablets
Speaker 1: sitting next to the bananas, and I'm like I'm like,
Speaker 1: I feel like my dad, I feel like a normal
Speaker 1: human adult if it just felt great. I hope you
Speaker 1: know get what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry if I make fun of that earlier.
Speaker 1: Oh no, I don't think you are no. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I feel no no, and I know why you. Uh.
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm about to say that, but I
Speaker 1: feel very I like I like the normalcy. I like
Speaker 1: it okay, But I also I get bored really easily.
Speaker 1: So I've kind of tried to set up my life
Speaker 1: in such a way that like it's half normal half crazy,
Speaker 1: because if I have too much of either of them too,
Speaker 1: if I too many days in a row eating like
Speaker 1: salmon and bananas, I'll go insane. But too many days
Speaker 1: in a row, uh, you know whatever, going to the
Speaker 1: strip club and eating eating a yeah and an almond
Speaker 1: joy for dinner?
Speaker 2: Is that that's what you do on your weekends.
Speaker 1: Gig go to strip clubs. You need almond Joys?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: No, I'm in. Uh, I'm in. I mean I don't,
Speaker 1: but yeah, I need a little bit of both universes.
Speaker 1: I think too feel okay, and I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know, And everyone's different, everyone's brain is wired differently.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe you maybe you're because you sound
Speaker 1: like you're enjoying existential life because it came to you.
Speaker 1: It seems like it came to you in fun.
Speaker 2: Sorry ahead, Yeah, yeah, I always dunk into things like
Speaker 2: in a like like I'm gonna I'm gonna adopt this attitude,
Speaker 2: you know, like a little bit of de lulu almost
Speaker 2: Like I always have been like a position of crisis
Speaker 2: at work and things like that, so I had to
Speaker 2: be extremely positive in moments where everybody was negative. So
Speaker 2: so it's kind of like I don't know, loving myself
Speaker 2: into this behavior, I guess.
Speaker 1: Mm hm.
Speaker 2: So I cannot do these things like when when there's
Speaker 2: a challenge or something, I don't know, I just get
Speaker 2: like like like if I'm not tired, I'm just going
Speaker 2: to get into it, you know, like I don't do
Speaker 2: think way, I'm going to jump all the way in.
Speaker 2: But now like like this like relating back to your bananas,
Speaker 2: like I'm doing that. Actually I'm taking about my yogurt.
Speaker 2: I have your herd every day. Yeah, if I don't
Speaker 2: have my yogurt for more than one day, and like
Speaker 2: I'm moody mm hmmm. Mm hmm. By the way, I
Speaker 2: want to say, I've been listening to your show for
Speaker 2: like two.
Speaker 1: Years of oh cool, nice man. Weird coincidence, weird coincidence.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the moment that start might burnout and then you appeared.
Speaker 1: Oh oh yes, yeah, I guess I did appear around
Speaker 1: the time of your burnout.
Speaker 2: Yeah. It was fucking amazing too to watch you. And
Speaker 2: I talked about you to everybody I met.
Speaker 1: And thanks man, Thanks man. I feel like I feel
Speaker 1: like we're nearing a point of ending the call, but
Speaker 1: I want, I want to, but I have I'm curious
Speaker 1: about a couple more things. Is because you said you're
Speaker 1: trying to build You're because you're in the process of
Speaker 1: like building a new a new uh support system, and
Speaker 1: I feel like we didn't. I want to get into
Speaker 1: a little bit of how that is going for you.
Speaker 2: Well, there's been a lot of tries with like in
Speaker 2: real life, with going out to events and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: But then really tire me a lot, and I ended
Speaker 2: up with some people and they were like, I don't know,
Speaker 2: I was, I guess I'm making up shoot bad choices.
Speaker 2: So I backed up a little bit and I started
Speaker 2: using like some different discord servers and kind of funny enough,
Speaker 2: like I found this BDSM dicort that that really is nice.
Speaker 2: It's not about the BDSM so much. It's more about
Speaker 2: the community and people are freaking nice and videos and
Speaker 2: they're like, I think they all understand where I am.
Speaker 2: And also they're like they kind of know how to
Speaker 2: talk about it in a way that kind of makes
Speaker 2: it funny because when I when I when I go
Speaker 2: to the office and I try to find somebody to
Speaker 2: talk about this stuff in my mind, it's like, don't
Speaker 2: forget about it. So it's nice to have found this
Speaker 2: this little sub group of people. They're pretty awesome.
Speaker 1: Wait, tell me, okay, this is like a we It's okay.
Speaker 1: We've been on the phone for forty minutes and you
Speaker 1: just introduced you you just introduced an entirely extra forty
Speaker 1: minutes of conversational topic.
Speaker 2: Now, friend, another time, Dude, I don't want to take
Speaker 2: away a time for the other people. This is you're
Speaker 2: thinking that we're going to finish it.
Speaker 1: It's no, no, this is hard. Sorry, tell me more
Speaker 1: about this BDSM community, like what like, like, tell me
Speaker 1: about the conversations that you're having in in this community.
Speaker 1: That you that are like new conversations for you.
Speaker 2: A new conversation for me in that community. M hm,
Speaker 2: well they're not so new anymore because I've been in
Speaker 2: that community for a little bit now.
Speaker 1: Or or or tell me, tell me, tell me what
Speaker 1: was Tell me what was what was new at the time.
Speaker 2: The concept of consent, Like I'm gonna be super binary here.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna define people by Normanis and the freaks m h.
Speaker 2: And the freaks are so good at communicating and that.
Speaker 2: And before I was introduced to that world, and I
Speaker 2: felt like like flirting was a lot of like you
Speaker 2: have to guess things. And I know that today, like
Speaker 2: that's not what we're teaching, but you have to remember,
Speaker 2: Like I'm a freaking millennial and I like a bunch
Speaker 2: of people in my generation didn't learn how to to toxic,
Speaker 2: you know, Like I don't know if you understand what
Speaker 2: I'm saying.
Speaker 1: No, I know, yeah, I know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: I think, uh, our generation, I think yeah, older generations
Speaker 1: were taught like no, like you don't like you have
Speaker 1: to like go in for the kiss at like like
Speaker 1: when the moment is right, like like people people, people
Speaker 1: will taught that it's like weird to like ask to
Speaker 1: kiss someone.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, or say hey, I would kiss you right now,
Speaker 2: or think like that. It would be like you're perceived
Speaker 2: as someone that is like, oh my god, you're so
Speaker 2: like brave and shit, you have to be very confident.
Speaker 2: But in that community, it's like it's just normal. It's
Speaker 2: not something that it's so like I don't know, the
Speaker 2: sense of consent. It's not just about being normal. It's
Speaker 2: also like I like it. It's like the way that
Speaker 2: he's doing it is being so clear, like I don't
Speaker 2: like to read between lines to be honest. And when
Speaker 2: I discover the community, I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: we can be so like we can have good sex.
Speaker 2: Actually m mmmmmmmm.
Speaker 1: Did you what kinds of conversations did you have with
Speaker 1: them that like weren't about sex, that are just like
Speaker 1: kind of overarching things.
Speaker 2: A lot of people having different Like there's a lot
Speaker 2: of neural diversity. People with different would say diagnostics or
Speaker 2: whatnot and asking for advices how to deal with those
Speaker 2: things and different situations. Then there's other people with the
Speaker 2: same type of neural diversity, and they're all like helping
Speaker 2: each other and having good sex or not just good sex,
Speaker 2: also about anything else like relationship wise or whatever. And
Speaker 2: there's there's teams sometimes where we share the win of
Speaker 2: the week, but that cannot be sexual, so it's just like, hey,
Speaker 2: I want two dollars in a scratch again.
Speaker 1: Have you ever participated in win of the week.
Speaker 2: Of the what?
Speaker 1: Have you ever participated in the win of the week?
Speaker 2: No? No, not yet, not really mm hmm, Like it's
Speaker 2: up to you to choose to share things or not.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And have you met any of these people in person yet?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Plenty, Oh okay, espially at the beginning of my burnout.
Speaker 1: And how did those interactions go?
Speaker 2: Well, that's where I was discovered a lot of different
Speaker 2: type of people, and it took out the work for
Speaker 2: me to like really understand this community and all the people.
Speaker 2: It took a while, like I was stunned touch first,
Speaker 2: and I don't know, like I had to back up
Speaker 2: a little different then go back in.
Speaker 1: So it sounds like these have been like a very
Speaker 1: Like this has been a very Have any of these
Speaker 1: have any of these people stuck around? Have any of
Speaker 1: these people become like like staples, like of your kind
Speaker 1: of support system?
Speaker 2: Not yet? Not the end like I've tried, but then
Speaker 2: we can get intimate and we discovered there's when we
Speaker 2: have differences and I don't want to there's like so
Speaker 2: much you can come from my square, you know, mm hmm.
Speaker 2: It's kind of hard to find people that are very
Speaker 2: similar to you when when you have so much baggage.
Speaker 2: I would say, it's kind of hard to like put
Speaker 2: the baggage aside.
Speaker 1: Well, well, well you're not gonna be able to find
Speaker 1: people similar to you if you're putting the baggage aside.
Speaker 2: Yeah exactly, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I mean part of finding people who are
Speaker 1: similar to you is finding people with somewhat similar baggage. Yeah. Uh,
Speaker 1: I mean everyone has bad anyone has lived any I
Speaker 1: think any anyone has lived any life worth talking about
Speaker 1: has some form of baggage.
Speaker 2: Well, I hope, so it would be weird to not
Speaker 2: have baggage anyway. It's just you know, after so much
Speaker 2: of it, Like I don't want to say that that
Speaker 2: like I had like a very very intense and everything
Speaker 2: in my life, you know, like it's been really really
Speaker 2: intense since the beginning, so funny like and going throughout
Speaker 2: realizing that later on, it's harder to find somebody who
Speaker 2: would matches compared to when I was twenty and I
Speaker 2: didn't know much of life and I wanted to get married,
Speaker 2: for example, which I eventually did. But after like going
Speaker 2: back in my mind during that evolution, I think the
Speaker 2: longer you get old and the more baggage you accrue
Speaker 2: in your back, the harder it is to find a
Speaker 2: potential mate, if we want to speak like that. You know,
Speaker 2: so when you lose your whole support system late in life,
Speaker 2: having to rebuild it, it's it's not easy to do it.
Speaker 2: It takes a while, you know.
Speaker 1: I always I like to talk about this on here
Speaker 1: a lot which is that, you know. I mean, my
Speaker 1: parents got divorced when they were they must have been
Speaker 1: in their fucking mid forties or something like that, and
Speaker 1: they both managed to find really great relationships in the
Speaker 1: second half of their life, which I always find very inspiring.
Speaker 1: But I guess to speak to what you were saying,
Speaker 1: oh crap, damn it, there's another part of that you
Speaker 1: were you were talking about by finding your support system, well,
Speaker 1: a lot of a support system I think can be
Speaker 1: just like I think, there there's a lot of wait,
Speaker 1: fuck damn it, you said another thing.
Speaker 2: Shit, I'm trying to as long as you grow older,
Speaker 2: you get those baggages something like that.
Speaker 1: Oh I know, okay, I remember I was gonna ask you.
Speaker 1: So you guys you were married? Yeah, and how long
Speaker 1: were you married?
Speaker 2: Five years?
Speaker 1: And uh? How did you did you get married when
Speaker 1: you were twenty Uh no?
Speaker 2: No, no, no, when I was a little bit older.
Speaker 2: But you're making me do math. And I had a
Speaker 2: big twins earlier. I was in my thirties and you.
Speaker 1: Got married for five years? How was that marriage?
Speaker 2: Well? I looked back at it today and I was like,
Speaker 2: I like, I was following this what we call the
Speaker 2: relationship is collator. You know, you know about it.
Speaker 1: I'm listening.
Speaker 2: I just realized that's what I did. And I drank
Speaker 2: while I was being married. I felt like I was
Speaker 2: like happy, to be honest. But then I like, that's
Speaker 2: when I started to question myself about my queerness with
Speaker 2: my with my ex wife, and she was down for it.
Speaker 2: You know, we were like in a queer community and
Speaker 2: stuff like that, and she was really open to like
Speaker 2: we're open minded people. So we started exploring. And then
Speaker 2: I was like, you're not making me happy anymore. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: M hm.
Speaker 2: And then I like I felt like she was too
Speaker 2: normy for me, and that's okay, Like she she really
Speaker 2: is calm and all that stuff and she likes that
Speaker 2: and I needed to have a bit more and that's
Speaker 2: the fuck.
Speaker 1: Uh hm hmm. So she was willing oh oh, okay,
Speaker 1: de frying the fine again. A relationship escalator.
Speaker 2: You know, a relationship escalator is like you get out
Speaker 2: of school, you get a job, you find out why
Speaker 2: if you marry her, You get a house, you get
Speaker 2: a car, you get a dog, you make the kids.
Speaker 2: You know, you have this friend m and like when
Speaker 2: you are in the relationship is salator. You can be
Speaker 2: aware of it or not. And I feel like I
Speaker 2: was not aware of it, like I was really buying
Speaker 2: into it and I believed it.
Speaker 1: Do you have kids?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: Thank god? Yeah?
Speaker 1: That makes life way yeah oh dude.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I try to like kind a new relationship
Speaker 2: after my divorce, you know. Uh. And I freaking love kids,
Speaker 2: like I'm, but I don't think I'm good with them,
Speaker 2: you know, like I'm I talk to them like they're adults,
Speaker 2: Like I'm not being offensive or being vulgar whatever, you know,
Speaker 2: like I know the limits kids.
Speaker 3: But like.
Speaker 2: If I'm not their parents or their like family, it's
Speaker 2: kind of hard for me to sit there while they've
Speaker 2: been disciplined, you know, and being in relationship with their
Speaker 2: mom and being perceived as like a significant adult. It's
Speaker 2: a weird energy. And I tried to figure it out,
Speaker 2: and I was like, now I can't do this. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, it's not I don't like it. It's
Speaker 2: just this dynamic. It's this dynamic. It's just a whirlwinning
Speaker 2: of emotion that I don't understand.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmmm.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I'm probably ladies without with just a kid
Speaker 2: and no husband or whatever, but I'm not dating that
Speaker 2: kind of girls.
Speaker 1: Oh would you be down to be like a good
Speaker 1: like a stepdad?
Speaker 2: Vibes No, no, not even no. It's just, uh, it's
Speaker 2: it's weird because I had a stepdad at one point,
Speaker 2: and it just feels weird, like I don't I don't
Speaker 2: have this thing, like I don't have this father thing.
Speaker 2: M hm.
Speaker 1: Are you would you get married again?
Speaker 2: Only a fool would believe in life without love. So
Speaker 2: if I get married again, like like of course, if
Speaker 2: I get in love enough, you know, like like I
Speaker 2: could ignore right now and not be happy about it
Speaker 2: or have like hate for love or people in love
Speaker 2: because I'm heartbroken or whatever. But it's always going to change,
Speaker 2: Like I know that.
Speaker 1: M hm, m hm. Are you? Are you looking for
Speaker 1: love actively?
Speaker 2: Well? I try to, you know, to connect with people
Speaker 2: and finding intimacy. But if I'm saying that I want
Speaker 2: to fall in love like looking for love? Like yes,
Speaker 2: Like like I want that, but I don't believe it yet.
Speaker 1: Are you open to the idea that you might or
Speaker 1: have you? Are you? Like I've lived long enough to
Speaker 1: know what I know.
Speaker 2: It's some very scary thought, dude, Like I don't want
Speaker 2: to like stop going forward, and like I'm like, nah no,
Speaker 2: I don't want to, Like I'm afraid that's gonna happen,
Speaker 2: but I don't want to think like that. Does that
Speaker 2: make sense?
Speaker 1: Yeah? That makes sense. You're afraid that, uh, you're going
Speaker 1: to start to believe that you already know everything you know, yeah.
Speaker 2: And then to be like fuck it, I'm just gonna
Speaker 2: do a loner job and wait for death and not
Speaker 2: be actively in life. You know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what? Fuck that?
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Fuck? Fuck? Uh? Fuck the idea that you know everything
Speaker 1: you know? And you're gonna get a loaner job and
Speaker 1: wait for death.
Speaker 2: I know I want to say that, but I having
Speaker 2: an usitation like I feel I could happen. I guess
Speaker 2: I don't need to go out again.
Speaker 1: Well guess well, well listen, guess what. And here here's
Speaker 1: what I believe and I don't. I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: I I can only really live my life and say
Speaker 1: the things I'm saying in the moment. I'm saying it
Speaker 1: even though it's recorded. But I don't know as I'm
Speaker 1: talking to you, as I'm thinking. Because I've had this,
Speaker 1: I feel, I feel with you a similar fear that
Speaker 1: I'll come to believe that I already know everything that
Speaker 1: I know and that there is no new thing that
Speaker 1: I can learn about love or life or be taught,
Speaker 1: or that nothing else can surprise me and blah blah
Speaker 1: blah blah ah that stuff. You know, what I think
Speaker 1: in this moment is true, is that the answer to
Speaker 1: that conundrum is that whatever I believe is probably uh right?
Speaker 1: You know? Do you know what I mean when I say.
Speaker 2: Well, there's a lot of things that comes to mind.
Speaker 2: But immediately I thought you were saying, like like I
Speaker 2: I believe that I know everything, but but I don't
Speaker 2: act like it something like that.
Speaker 1: No, I What I mean is like, if I decide
Speaker 1: that I know everything and that life has taught me all,
Speaker 1: it's I've lived enough, done enough, tried enough, seen enough,
Speaker 1: felt enough that I already know everything that life has
Speaker 1: to show me. And uh, there's no new surprises. Let
Speaker 1: me just get a loner job waiting for death. If
Speaker 1: I truly believe that, I think that becomes the reality
Speaker 1: of my life. But if I start to believe, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not done yet, and uh if I
Speaker 1: but then if I believe, hey, I'm not done yet,
Speaker 1: Let's see what's behind this door. Let's talk to this person.
Speaker 1: Let's uh go here, let's do this. Let's try something
Speaker 1: different over here, Let's think this way or that way.
Speaker 1: Then I think I'm right. You know, I believe that
Speaker 1: I believe, I really really feel like the And I
Speaker 1: don't know. Maybe this is me. I I I love
Speaker 1: inhaling copium straight into my I'll and I'll inject liquid
Speaker 1: ivy copium directly into my veins. It's my favorite drug
Speaker 1: of all time.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: And and perhaps this is me huffing copium. But some
Speaker 1: I believe that a little bit that whatever you think
Speaker 1: about your own reality is uh, it becomes becomes true,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: But but you know you you can never do it alone.
Speaker 2: I think when and I want to thank to you
Speaker 2: again for like when we started talking, how you've gone
Speaker 2: me back to it, like we just need that because
Speaker 2: sometimes we're like in space and we're trying to put
Speaker 2: our helmet back on and it kind of helps to
Speaker 2: have as a bit of a wingman that can be
Speaker 2: there for you something.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so that's that's that's what that's number one doing.
Speaker 2: So thank you for existing doing. Seriously, I've seen you
Speaker 2: helping so many people online. I think I think you're
Speaker 2: one of the greatest human I know, like you're keeping
Speaker 2: thanks actually.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate you saying that.
Speaker 1: That's really nice.
Speaker 2: You're awesome, dude, you're sucking up.
Speaker 1: Thanks man. I hope this conversation was I hope this
Speaker 1: was helpful to you in some way, shape or form.
Speaker 2: Yo, dude, one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: Okay, good Kevin. Is there anything else you want to
Speaker 1: stay to the people of the computer before we go, it's.
Speaker 2: Usually with something, uh so it's kind of hard to
Speaker 2: figure it out. But if you go in, go all in.
Speaker 2: If you don't, then don't go in at all. No,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: I think I know what you man.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So if you're gonna do something, do it all
Speaker 2: the way because you'll never be happy if you haven't.
Speaker 2: Thank you just about it. So thank you for everything.
Speaker 1: GEK, take care man, you too. By That was Kevin.
Speaker 1: That was a good existential conversation. Dude, I'm telling you, uh,
Speaker 1: the you have I don't know. I just looked at
Speaker 1: the bananas on my fucking kitchen table and I'm like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: this is what it feels like to like Sometimes I'll
Speaker 1: see like an old man and he's like jogging and
Speaker 1: he like eats a banana or whatever, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: how is this guy not freaking This guy's about this
Speaker 1: guy is on death's door or why is he not?
Speaker 1: Why am I I'm young? Why am I having the
Speaker 1: existential crisis? Why is he not freaking out? And it's
Speaker 1: because he has bananas on his shelf. He's not concerned
Speaker 1: with that. He's got he's got a banana, and he
Speaker 1: goes for a walk and he's and he has a dog.
Speaker 1: He's like he's in reality, he's not thinking about it.
Speaker 1: It's smart. Hello, can you hear me? Yeah? Hi, what's
Speaker 1: your name?
Speaker 4: Brouh?
Speaker 1: My name is Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa. You texted me and
Speaker 1: you said my name is Vanessa. Nobody knows about my
Speaker 1: booger secret.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a okay, it's weird
Speaker 4: because nobody knows. It's not anything like really gross, it's
Speaker 4: just okay. Sometimes when I'm in my car, I pick
Speaker 4: my booger and I put it under my seat because
Speaker 4: I don't have any other tissues around me, or like
Speaker 4: sometimes when I'm like in my room, I put it
Speaker 4: on the wall, or sometimes like even when I'm in
Speaker 4: like a public space, if nobody's watching me, I will
Speaker 4: do it real quick and I will put it underneath
Speaker 4: like the seat or something.
Speaker 2: It's not like.
Speaker 1: Sorry, go ahead, No.
Speaker 4: No, it's not like okay, it's only I don't do
Speaker 4: this all the time, just to let you know. I
Speaker 4: just it's like it's only when like my nose is
Speaker 4: like super dry. I just I can't stand it when
Speaker 4: I have boogers in my nose. And I will only
Speaker 4: do this when I don't have like tissues available like
Speaker 4: does this sound crazy? Or am I is it valid?
Speaker 2: Or no?
Speaker 1: How long have you been doing this?
Speaker 4: Probably for like since I was like nineteen, I'm twenty
Speaker 4: two now I'm a full grown adult. Like that's the thing,
Speaker 4: Like does this sound crazy that I do this?
Speaker 2: Or no?
Speaker 4: Because sometimes I can think like like I know full
Speaker 4: well what I'm doing, but I still do it. No,
Speaker 4: I used to do that and no one, no one
Speaker 4: knows about it.
Speaker 1: No, No I I uh no, I used to do
Speaker 1: that too. And then here's what I found out is
Speaker 1: that the boogers they don't go away. Man, Like you
Speaker 1: can three you can pick them, you can put them
Speaker 1: on a wall, or you can put them on your seat,
Speaker 1: under your car or whatever. But you know, one day
Speaker 1: you're gonna look at your wall and be like, oh,
Speaker 1: there's somebody boogers on this fucking wall. You know. They
Speaker 1: don't evaporate. That's why you gotta eat them. No, No,
Speaker 1: you don't eat them.
Speaker 4: No, why would dission?
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Why would you? It's way more it's way more disgusting
Speaker 1: to wipe them on the wall and the car then
Speaker 1: to eat them. That's way more disgusting.
Speaker 4: I'm okay, I'm putting it on, all.
Speaker 1: Right, your hold on your phone? Your your phone is
Speaker 1: cut your phone sucks and it's cutting out. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go on a rant to you about something. Here's
Speaker 1: the thing is, I had I had a moment. So
Speaker 1: when I get really depressed and nihilistic, uh, there's little
Speaker 1: upsides to it. Like I was in the subway train
Speaker 1: and I was looking around and I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't care about any of the I don't like,
Speaker 1: what do I give a shit about any of these people.
Speaker 1: They're never gonna see me again. Why do I care
Speaker 1: what they think? And I was I was like feeling sick,
Speaker 1: Like I was like, I need to go I need
Speaker 1: to go home. I can't be here right now as
Speaker 1: I'm on the subway train. And so I just blow
Speaker 1: my nose directly into my shirt. And I had some popcorn, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I had some popcorn with me, and so I'm
Speaker 1: and I'm eating the popcorn and it's like getting on
Speaker 1: my stomach and I'm like eating it like a monster.
Speaker 1: And I'm taking turns blowing my nose into my shirt
Speaker 1: and eating the popcorn, and nobody, this one lady looks
Speaker 1: at me a little bit but everyone else just doesn't care.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, this nihilism's pretty cool. Actually, like
Speaker 1: you know, this is my I felt it was really
Speaker 1: punk rock. You know, I'm defying. I think eating I
Speaker 1: mean that, I think eating your boogers is punk rock.
Speaker 1: It's defiant of the dominant social culture which tells you
Speaker 1: to not do that, So it's in its own Look,
Speaker 1: people won't agree with you, or I mean, I agree
Speaker 1: with me. You're not the one saying this, but people
Speaker 1: won't agree with me. But it's it's cool to pick
Speaker 1: your nose and eat it because it's defiant of societal culture.
Speaker 1: It's like kind of classic. It's like you're like, if
Speaker 1: you pick your nose and eat it, you're kind of
Speaker 1: like that dude that stood in front of the tanks
Speaker 1: at tim and Square. You know, like I'll put both
Speaker 1: of those on the same level of cultural defiance.
Speaker 4: I don't understand what you talked about.
Speaker 1: What guy, you don't You don't know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 4: I might be too young for that.
Speaker 1: Tum and square in front of the tanks elaborate please
Speaker 1: never mind, but anyway, the anyway, Yeah, so that's why
Speaker 1: I think you should pick your nose and eat it
Speaker 1: instead of wiping it on something. Because here's why I'm
Speaker 1: gonna well, like, because when you pick your nose and
Speaker 1: you wipe it on your walls and stuff, like, you're
Speaker 1: putting out negative energy into the universe. I think, and
Speaker 1: I and I say that as somebody who picked his
Speaker 1: nose and wiped it on stuff for a long time,
Speaker 1: I think you put negative energy out into the universe.
Speaker 1: But when you pick your nose and you eat it,
Speaker 1: it's like you're recycling. You put your body back into itself.
Speaker 1: You put you put your body back into itself. It's no,
Speaker 1: it's way less gross than wiping it on stuff. I
Speaker 1: will defend that to the death.
Speaker 4: So what you're saying is it's pretty gross.
Speaker 2: I'm doing that.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's undeniably gross. Yeah, I mean I say
Speaker 1: that as somebody who did it. But just because I
Speaker 1: did it doesn't mean it wasn't you know, gross.
Speaker 4: It's it's like, Okay. The reason why if I say
Speaker 4: it's a secret is because it's gotten so bad, Like,
Speaker 4: it's gotten so bad to the point where I do
Speaker 4: it in public places when no one's looking. I honestly,
Speaker 4: I now that you're like putting it in that kind
Speaker 4: of perspective, it sounds really gross, But honestly, I wouldn't
Speaker 4: defend eating it.
Speaker 1: Would you defend wiping it on a wall or on
Speaker 1: a the in the bottom of your car seat, But
Speaker 1: you can cl.
Speaker 4: It out after, Like when I I don't just okay,
Speaker 4: when I put it on the wall. I might leave
Speaker 4: it on there for maybe like a day or two,
Speaker 4: sometimes a week if I'm lazy, but I clean it
Speaker 4: and I wipe it off. Sometimes they get a little
Speaker 4: crusty and I gotta like scrape it off, but I
Speaker 4: clean it as when it's you know, it's not like
Speaker 4: a build up or nothing.
Speaker 1: You know, there's so many you ever think about how
Speaker 1: many defects there are to the human body, Like the
Speaker 1: fact that we like like little things, like we like sugar,
Speaker 1: but it's bad for us. And yeah, our nose builds
Speaker 1: up with these boogers, but we don't have any natural
Speaker 1: biological way to like dispose of them. You know. I
Speaker 1: guess it's like, well, I guess it's like poop like
Speaker 1: we're supposed to, Yeah, you know, get rid of it.
Speaker 1: But I but it's weird, right because I wouldn't I
Speaker 1: think eating your own poop is gross. Well, yeah, it's weird,
Speaker 1: I think. Yeah, okay, okay, I wouldn't get eating eating
Speaker 1: your own poop is gross. Well it's it's kind of
Speaker 1: a different thing, but it's not really like eating your
Speaker 1: own poop is gross. Drinking your own piss is gross.
Speaker 1: But I don't put eating your own buggers in that category.
Speaker 1: I don't know why. It's it's kind of it's a
Speaker 1: similar universe.
Speaker 4: I mean, you can The reason why I say it's
Speaker 4: grosser to eat it is because you can actually get
Speaker 4: sick from eating it. It's because burgers have like more bacteria.
Speaker 4: Like I understand how nasty it is. That's why I
Speaker 4: wouldn't put it back into my body mm hmm. And
Speaker 4: and the whole poop and peeping. I mean, like, the
Speaker 4: only way I would defend drinking your own piss is
Speaker 4: by if you're, like in a desert, you have nothing else.
Speaker 1: If you were in a desert and you had nothing else,
Speaker 1: would you eat your own boogers?
Speaker 4: Okay, okay? How many calories does a booger have?
Speaker 2: Though?
Speaker 1: Like, how old I'm looking this up?
Speaker 4: How fool am I going to get if I eat
Speaker 4: my bone boogers?
Speaker 1: How many cal calories are I'm glad I don't have
Speaker 1: like a like a podcast producer guy that like looks
Speaker 1: things up for me, because I think I should be
Speaker 1: forced to do it myself. How many calories are in
Speaker 1: a hold on a bogger? A single booger contains negligible
Speaker 1: Oh wait, this is gross. A single booger contains negligible
Speaker 1: calories because it's mostly water, dust, and dirt. However, the
Speaker 1: mucus your body produces daily can contain protein and sugar,
Speaker 1: and you swallow a significant amount per day. Some estimates
Speaker 1: suggest that you swallow up to two hundred calories worth
Speaker 1: of mucus a day. This is a recycling of your
Speaker 1: body's own resources rather than a new calorie intake. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is Google so again, So okay, so my theory
Speaker 1: was right. Yeah, when you eat your own booger, you're
Speaker 1: just recycling your body's own own calories. Your body's on energy,
Speaker 1: so it's fine. But when you wipe it on a
Speaker 1: you know, door, a lamppost or whatever, you're putting your.
Speaker 4: Shit calories, I'm losing protein.
Speaker 1: You're losing protein exactly. What's your name again, Vanessa? I'm
Speaker 1: glad we had this conversation, Withessa, this was This was enlightening.
Speaker 1: This has empowered me to continue to be horrifically disgusting
Speaker 1: in all areas of my life.
Speaker 4: It just it's a reminder of how discussing people are.
Speaker 1: Is there anything else you want to say to the
Speaker 1: people of the computer before.
Speaker 4: We go, No, this was a pretty good conversation. I
Speaker 4: can't believe he called me honestly.
Speaker 1: Beautiful. Thank you, Vanessa, and keep doing whatever the hell
Speaker 1: you want with your boogers.
Speaker 4: It's none of my business, all right, YouTube, love you.
Speaker 1: Get bye bye?
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Two hundred calories of mucus a day. That's a lot
Speaker 1: if I next time I go to try to start
Speaker 1: cutting calories out of my diet and lose weight, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna start with mucus. Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's
Speaker 1: the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing
Speaker 1: a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra
Speaker 1: hour of the podcast that you you can listen to
Speaker 1: by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at
Speaker 1: therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access
Speaker 1: to bonus episodes. They get a completely ad free podcast
Speaker 1: feed of the regular show. They get recordings from my
Speaker 1: live shows, members only streams, and they help support my
Speaker 1: ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip
Speaker 1: from this week's members only bonus episode.
Speaker 3: So short of it is, I had a dog put
Speaker 3: down that I had for a very short amount of
Speaker 3: time instead of like bringing it to a shelter because
Speaker 3: all the shelters are really full and I can't keep it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's a big one.
Speaker 1: How okay, how old was this dog?
Speaker 2: About four years old?
Speaker 3: But I only had it for like three months.
Speaker 1: Four years old is a little young to put down
Speaker 1: a dog. Why'd you have to talk?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know. I contacted some I looked them up.
Speaker 3: They're like, yeah, it's gonna be this much of a weight,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, I'm gonna have to be gone by then.
Speaker 3: And that dog would have been alone with, you know,
Speaker 3: my significant other. And he couldn't even put him on
Speaker 3: a leash. He tried letting him outside the pee and
Speaker 3: he would like just cry and piss on himself.
Speaker 1: So it's just I mean, shit, brother, you you why'd
Speaker 1: you get the dog in the first place. If you
Speaker 1: want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up
Speaker 1: to become a Premium member at Therapy Gecko dot supercast
Speaker 1: dot com, or find the link in the episode description
Speaker 1: that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I
Speaker 1: have nothing else to say. Goes on the line every night,
Speaker 1: goes to its teaching news about in your life. But
Speaker 1: he's not really an expert.