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Speaker 1: I confided in my fiance about my dark past. Now

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Speaker 1: he's ghosting me.

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Speaker 2: Wooooooooo.

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Speaker 1: Hey, this story contained substance abuse. Just so you know.

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Speaker 1: This happened a week ago and I have not heard

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Speaker 1: from him since. I have tried texting him, calling him,

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Speaker 1: went to his apartments, went to his sister's house. I

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Speaker 1: can't find him. And everybody's telling me that they haven't

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Speaker 1: heard from him either, everybody except his brother, who obviously

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Speaker 1: did not get the memo like everyone else did to

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Speaker 1: lie to me. There's a start off a lot of intrigue. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: he actually told me that Greg, not his real name,

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Speaker 1: doesn't want to see or speak to me. By the way,

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Speaker 1: this comes from BC Clean on the r slash Okay

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Speaker 1: story time. So I bred it so a brief rundown

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Speaker 1: on how we got here. We met three years ago

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Speaker 1: at a church function. Yes, I know Redit hates religion,

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Speaker 1: but it is what it is. I have had a

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Speaker 1: very rough life when it comes to men, so I

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Speaker 1: really don't engage any of them in conversation and other

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Speaker 1: than just briefly if I can get by with him. However,

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Speaker 1: I was listening to Greg speak to a group of

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Speaker 1: people about a book that I had just read, so

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Speaker 1: I stood there and listened to him. After I was

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Speaker 1: done talking, the group kind of hung around a little

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Speaker 1: and I asked him questions about the book. He answered

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Speaker 1: every single one, and the more he talked, the more

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Speaker 1: I was attracted to him. Now this may not sound

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Speaker 1: like much, but it was the first time I was

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Speaker 1: actually attracted to a guy since high school.

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Speaker 2: Wow.

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Speaker 1: As I said, rough experience, but suffice to say, after

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Speaker 1: I left high school, I got involved with bad crowds.

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Speaker 1: I turned to substances, and when my family finally had

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Speaker 1: all they could take out of me when I was nineteen,

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Speaker 1: they kicked me out. I don't blame them for this,

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Speaker 1: by the way, because I stole from them to feed

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Speaker 1: my addiction. They tried many times to help me, but

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Speaker 1: when I stole a very large sum of money from

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Speaker 1: them and spent it on substances, they had enough. Living

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Speaker 1: friend house to friend house, coutsearching for about six weeks,

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Speaker 1: but still an addict. I got caught stealing from them

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Speaker 1: as well, so op kind of going down a dark put. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was homeless for two weeks, honestly lived in a

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Speaker 1: park bench for a couple of days. I started to

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Speaker 1: start spicy dancing and everything that goes along with it.

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Speaker 1: In other words, I was doing private parties, private dances,

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Speaker 1: and yes, it quickly turned to being paid for spicy sleep. Honestly,

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Speaker 1: don't remember a lot of times because I wasn't working.

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Speaker 1: I was either on substances or working on substances. I

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Speaker 1: did this for a few years, and then on my

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Speaker 1: twenty third birthday, I odeed stop breathing. The parents the

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Speaker 1: paramedics honestly saved my life because they did cprmy and

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Speaker 1: brought me around. I was in the ICU for three

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Speaker 1: days on eventilator and I had several IVS. While I

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Speaker 1: was in an ICU, a preacher came by to see me.

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Speaker 1: He was a minister who goes and visits with families

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Speaker 1: and patients. He came to me and he spoke to

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Speaker 1: me about how life has a higher purpose. He said

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Speaker 1: a whole lot more, but I won't bore you with it.

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Speaker 1: Needless to say. Whether it was him, me being fed

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Speaker 1: up with my life, or God, I don't know, but

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Speaker 1: it really moved me. And when I got out of

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Speaker 1: the ICU, I asked them to help me get off

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Speaker 1: all the substances.

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Speaker 2: Here we go, coming back around.

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Speaker 1: Come back story. Yes, it got dark, but I.

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Speaker 2: Think we're coming. Yes, I'd love to see it.

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Speaker 1: It worked. I've been clean since the day I left WOW,

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Speaker 1: and I have never had a single desire to go

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Speaker 1: back to that. It wasn't easy at first, but every

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Speaker 1: day got a little better. I got a job, I

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Speaker 1: reconnected with my family, and then I met Greg, Greg

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Speaker 1: guy that knew the book, that's right, book boy. I

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Speaker 1: had never been in love, not even in high school,

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Speaker 1: but after going on a few dates, I was head

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Speaker 1: over heels for him. On our one year anniversary, he

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Speaker 1: asked me to marry him, but with the idea that

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Speaker 1: it would be a year till the wedding. Okay, I

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Speaker 1: happily agreed, and it's been the best time of my life.

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Speaker 1: I felt the warrant every single day of his love.

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Speaker 1: But then my mom and dad and I were making

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Speaker 1: wedding plans. They wanted to pay even though I told

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Speaker 1: him not to, and one day while we were talking,

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Speaker 1: they asked, what did Greg know about my past? They

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Speaker 1: were meaning did he know about the substances My mom

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Speaker 1: and dad don't fully know how far I sunk. The

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Speaker 1: substances were bad enough, my mom said that if Greg

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Speaker 1: never asked, then I really should just keep it to

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Speaker 1: myself that I was a different person and what was

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Speaker 1: in the past should just stay in the past. And

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Speaker 1: I would be curious what you guys think about this.

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Speaker 1: I think generally on this show, we think secrets get

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Speaker 1: stinkier with time, indeed, and so try to be open

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Speaker 1: and honest and then you'll have no surprises. And like,

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Speaker 1: if this guy is if this guy has a problem

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Speaker 1: with that, better to know early. Not that you know

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Speaker 1: he should have a problem with that, yeah, but like

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Speaker 1: better for yourself.

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Speaker 2: For you to know if he would have a problem

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Speaker 2: he might want to end the relationship or before you

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Speaker 2: get into.

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Speaker 1: Curious what everyone else thinks, but let us know in

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Speaker 1: the college.

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Speaker 2: No.

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Speaker 1: My dad, however, said something that actually made sense to

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Speaker 1: me at the time. I kind of regret listening to

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Speaker 1: him now though. He said that even though I had

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Speaker 1: changed who I was, was still a part of who

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Speaker 1: I am, and hiding the past really is like lying.

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Speaker 1: If Greg loved me, then he wouldn't care about the past.

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Speaker 1: But if he ever found out on his own or

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Speaker 1: some other way, then he might not be so forgiving

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Speaker 1: because he might consider it a lie, which I totally see.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So last weekend I got all the courage I could muster,

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Speaker 1: and I decided to tell him everything He knows things

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Speaker 1: my parents don't know, and now I feel very much portrayed.

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Speaker 1: At first, he thought I was joking, but when I

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Speaker 1: assured him I was not, he kind of got quiet.

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Speaker 1: Then he told me that he had pre siated the honesty.

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Speaker 1: He didn't know how. He felt that he needed time

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Speaker 1: to think, which I think with any kind of admission

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Speaker 1: like this, probably would, you know, take some time to think.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but not that it like uh, everyone one

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Speaker 2: hundred percent would, But I guess.

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Speaker 1: It the red flags from either party.

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Speaker 2: Right now, I think I think it's fine, and he

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Speaker 2: just needs to even just processing the information, yea, even

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Speaker 2: if it's not like negative, it's just like, oh wow,

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Speaker 2: that's just lot.

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Speaker 1: Even if it's like sorry, I'm so sorry you went

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Speaker 1: through this, Like I need to process just like how

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Speaker 1: I can empathize with you going through this, you know,

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Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. That has been a week now.

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Speaker 1: I let him go Saturday through Sunday with only texting

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Speaker 1: him a couple of times, just letting him know that

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Speaker 1: I still loved him and making sure he was okay

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Speaker 1: and if he had any questions to ask me well.

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Speaker 1: He never responded and it has been a week since

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Speaker 1: I've heard from him. WHOA, and I don't know what

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Speaker 1: to do. He has been rock since we got together.

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Speaker 1: Times I've been down, he has picked me up when

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Speaker 1: I've been sad. He has made me laugh. I truly

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Speaker 1: hope I have not hurt him. I think that would

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Speaker 1: be the worst thing of all. I know my past

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Speaker 1: life was disgusting, but it's been six years and since

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Speaker 1: I've been completely out of that life. I was in

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Speaker 1: another city, actually even in another state, so there's no

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Speaker 1: way that past life can come back to see me here.

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Speaker 1: I made no friendships or relationships during that time, so

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Speaker 1: there's nobody going to seek me out. Can anyone please

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Speaker 1: tell me what I can do or say that will

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Speaker 1: win him, that will be with him. I really love

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Speaker 1: him with all my heart and will do anything to

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Speaker 1: make this right. And there is an update. So question

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Speaker 1: for you guys, yes, question for John, is there anything

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Speaker 1: to do? I do think she made the right decision,

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Speaker 1: although a hard decision.

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Speaker 2: To tell him. Yeah, very brave decision for sure.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, I'm curious. What do you think is there

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Speaker 1: anything else to do here?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean, uh so she's already sent him some

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Speaker 2: like texts and whatnot, trying to reach out, right, and

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Speaker 2: she just hasn't heard back from that. I mean, I

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Speaker 2: don't know what the messages she said was, but if she.

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Speaker 1: Needs I think it was totally it was just like, hey,

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Speaker 1: if you have any questions, Like it was like really

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Speaker 1: chill messages.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I guess I feel like there is kind of

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Speaker 2: like a a period of time where it's like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: like it has been a week. It's been a week already.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: That does kind of feel like like I feel like

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Speaker 2: if you were engaged and then it's someone just like

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Speaker 2: completely goes to you. I do think that person does

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Speaker 2: owe you, like, hey, I don't want to keep moving forward.

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Speaker 2: Here's why, so agreed. I And a week of literally

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Speaker 2: seven days of not a peep and not knowing where

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Speaker 2: they are or anything like that, I think you could

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Speaker 2: at that point start, you know, call the parents, call

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Speaker 2: like hey, you know, we had a conversation. I have

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Speaker 2: her from him in seven days or fiances and like,

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Speaker 2: you know, whatever he wants to do, I'm I'm I'm

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Speaker 2: fine with I just want to be able to like

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Speaker 2: talk and communicate. I feel like it's probably.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I think do she to uh to

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Speaker 1: to sum up? To sum up and agree with you?

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Speaker 1: Do she to ghostes? Understandable if he doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: continue the relationship, but good on her for coming and

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Speaker 1: being composedly definitely, yeah, like that should be lauded.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely a lot of bravery.

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Speaker 1: And better to do that before he get married than

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Speaker 1: for him to find out after and him being unable

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Speaker 1: to accept that.

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Speaker 2: And I can understand too where from her perspective, she's like,

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Speaker 2: I've literally been stone cold sober since the day I

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Speaker 2: left the hospital, and but it might be hard for

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Speaker 2: him to fully like download and perceive that. Yeah, because

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Speaker 2: of this, of what he's thought of anything, maybe he's

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Speaker 2: like has never known anyone, is just completely unaware of

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Speaker 2: what that looks like. So I can appreciate from her perspective,

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Speaker 2: it's like like I want him to know that, like, hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm good. But then on his end, him being confused, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's it's it's tough.

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Speaker 1: We do have an update. Ooh, so we were taking

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Speaker 1: about a thirty minute emotional break. Thirty minute I'm confused

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Speaker 1: about power, I asked for it, and he said he

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Speaker 1: needed it as well. We have been at my place

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Speaker 1: all afternoon talking. Oh, so they started talking. We're back

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Speaker 1: and now they they take a thirty minute emotional break

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Speaker 1: from talking and oh, he's typing this up on that break.

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Speaker 2: It's the point in the movie where they haven't seen

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Speaker 2: each other and then all of a sudden, she's like

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Speaker 2: just outside the door from them, and You're like, oh, crap.

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Speaker 1: They they they just had this conversation. Yeah. Yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to lie. It has been rough. I've cried

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Speaker 1: more today than I've ever cried in my life. But

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Speaker 1: we are talking and as of now we are still together,

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Speaker 1: just no longer engaged at his request. By the way,

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Speaker 1: all the crying has not been sad cries. He has

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Speaker 1: also been very open with his past, and it touched

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Speaker 1: me that he felt compelled to be this open when

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Speaker 1: he didn't have to. This is this feels good. She's

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Speaker 1: a good direction. Yeah, I didn't know if anyone really cares,

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Speaker 1: but I'll try to write a full update later tonight.

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Speaker 1: But thank you all so much for the words of encouragement.

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Speaker 1: Has helped me far more than you will ever know.

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Speaker 1: And we got another update. I think we jump into it,

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Speaker 1: but I do feel like this is this is good.

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Speaker 2: It seems like they're having a very very open dialogue

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Speaker 2: and they're kind of like stepping back to be able

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Speaker 2: to hear and like like, for instance, she doesn't want

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Speaker 2: to hear that the engagement is off and they're still together.

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Speaker 2: But it seems like she's like, all right, I'm going

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Speaker 2: to you know, accept it and kind of like they're

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Speaker 2: still they're working together. They're working together. I think that's

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Speaker 2: what it is.

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Speaker 1: And I think that is, you know, in a tense

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Speaker 1: situation like that, that that is, that is a really

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Speaker 1: good starting point. Yeah. So update my twenty nine female

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Speaker 1: Beyonce twenty nine male has ghosted me since he found

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Speaker 1: out about my past. So the title of the post

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Speaker 1: really inaccurate on my part because he did get in

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Speaker 1: touch with me and we met for several hours on Sunday,

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Speaker 1: so he didn't ghost me. He never intended to ghost me,

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Speaker 1: and his family did not lie for him. In fact,

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Speaker 1: before we had time to talk at church, his brother

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Speaker 1: came by to me and apologized for the way he

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Speaker 1: handled my phone call. He said he clearly did not

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Speaker 1: understand his brother's wish to be alone to think and

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Speaker 1: on his own and interpreted that to me, and he

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Speaker 1: didn't want to talk to me. The rest of his

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Speaker 1: family has no idea there was any significant problem and

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Speaker 1: did not know where he was because he went away

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Speaker 1: for the week and told them to only contact him

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Speaker 1: for any emergencies. It sounds like he's trying to clear

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Speaker 1: his head. Obviously, they knew something was up and had

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Speaker 1: no idea. So the ghosting part was a combination of

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Speaker 1: miscommunication and well, honestly, just anxiety and impatience on my part.

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Speaker 1: We both apologized over that and moved on. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: we met at church for morning service and I got

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Speaker 1: there first and went and set in her usual spot,

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Speaker 1: and he got there just a service was starting, but

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Speaker 1: he came over and sat down beside me and we

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Speaker 1: shared a quick smile as the service started. I was

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Speaker 1: dying inside. I feel like that's good, good time.

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Speaker 2: Dying inside.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's dying inside, but the sitting next.

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Speaker 2: To each other right right, Okay.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know again, like learning something new about somebody's

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Speaker 1: past is just gonna be It's just gonna it's gonna

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Speaker 1: shake you a little bit. It's like something that you

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Speaker 1: didn't know before. So I think it's I don't think

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Speaker 1: he is a right now so far, I don't think

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Speaker 1: he's like a massive dbag or anything. I do think

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Speaker 1: it takes time to process new information, and he hasn't

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Speaker 1: ghosted her. They've had time to talk, like I think

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Speaker 1: it is. It is a it is a process.

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Speaker 2: So to be clear, at first, we had the impression

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Speaker 2: of that it was like seven days literally zero communication,

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Speaker 2: but actually it was like, oh she called the and

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Speaker 2: the brothers like, hey, doesn't want to talk to you? Yes,

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Speaker 2: like miss so.

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Speaker 1: But that was a miscommunication and they did talk a

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Speaker 1: couple days.

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Speaker 2: Later, Okay, so it wasn't seven fold days. It was

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Speaker 2: probably like realistically a few days.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and there was like some communication but not much.

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Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, because yeah, I was gonna say, I

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Speaker 2: feel like there is like a time limit, and seven

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Speaker 2: days does seem to be with zero like if they're alive,

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Speaker 2: you know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah for your fiance.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but a few days I think is reasonable.

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Speaker 1: And you know what communic if you're Haileanna Ban says.

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Speaker 1: His response is very human, But that doesn't mean I

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Speaker 1: like it. That couldn't have said it better there? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know what that that His response is very human,

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Speaker 1: but what if he was doing the best thing, it

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Speaker 1: would be like, hey, I need time to I need

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Speaker 1: time to talk or not, I need time to think

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Speaker 1: about this, and like trying to communicate that I.

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Speaker 2: Need another day, I need more time keep her in

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Speaker 2: the loop. That doesn't mean you have to be.

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Speaker 1: In constant communication or happy about it, you know. It

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Speaker 1: just means you know she was your fiance before you

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Speaker 1: degraded things down to boyfriend girlfriend. He had demotion, and

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Speaker 1: I think communicating through that process, if you want to

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Speaker 1: have the best way of moving forward, is the best

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Speaker 1: thing to do. But Helena bains great comment. Jeff's kiss.

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Speaker 1: All right, So after service was over, people were shaking hands,

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Speaker 1: talking and this is when his brother came to me

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Speaker 1: to apologize. And while we were talking, he slipped away

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Speaker 1: and talked to a few other people. I have a

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Speaker 1: feeling this was planned, but whatever. He came back over

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Speaker 1: and asked how I was, and I almost lost it

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Speaker 1: but held it together and said I was okay, but

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Speaker 1: obviously I was tearing up as we were talking. He

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Speaker 1: asked if I wanted to talk now or later, and

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to get it over with because if

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Speaker 1: he was going to break up with me. I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to be done and over with so I could

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Speaker 1: go home and start the grieving process. So I just

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Speaker 1: said I'm ready. You know. He said he really wanted

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Speaker 1: to talk somewhere private and asked where I would prefer

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Speaker 1: to go, and I could think of, and all I

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Speaker 1: could think was my place so I didn't have to drive.

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Speaker 1: When it was all over and done with. He followed

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Speaker 1: me home, and he came inside and said he really

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Speaker 1: wanted this to be civil. Not a good sign. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: by this time, I was already a bundle of nerves.

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Speaker 1: So I just blurted out, are you going to leave me?

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Speaker 1: Obviously I'm crying as I say. This is sad, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's sad, but again, Ope, I just want to say, like,

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Speaker 1: you did the right thing. Don't feel bad for being honest.

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Speaker 1: If anything that you learned from this, like try to

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Speaker 1: be honest earlier.

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Speaker 2: I totally get it. She's like literally, yeah, she's like

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Speaker 2: literally in the moment right now, So I feel like,

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Speaker 2: probably she seems have a good head on he shoulders.

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Speaker 2: She'll probably after come to a perspective like that, yeah,

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Speaker 2: but probably right now she's.

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Speaker 1: Like yeah, yeah, what he said next left me with

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Speaker 1: a lot of hope because I really thought it was

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Speaker 1: a done deal roller coaster ride, all right, right, hope.

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Speaker 1: He said that a lot of what happens going forward

348
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Speaker 1: would depend on what I said that day with him

349
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Speaker 1: and how much I wanted to tolerate from him. Okay,

350
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Speaker 1: that last part really confused me, but I was just

351
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Speaker 1: so relieved that he didn't say yes. But I basically

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Speaker 1: collapsed into my chair and told him that I was

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Speaker 1: ready to do whatever it took. He then said that

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Speaker 1: if that was the case, then he would ask for

355
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Speaker 1: two things for me, and that was honesty and patience. Okay, Okay,

356
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Speaker 1: so far, I'm like, okay, all.

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Speaker 2: Right, he is a little bit like I get that

358
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Speaker 2: she's like kind of being like he old in suspense,

359
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Speaker 2: but I think we are. You know, it's kind of

360
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Speaker 2: hard to like, I feel like it's just the the

361
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Speaker 2: rout of communicator. You need to kind of go through

362
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Speaker 2: that to get to the point of him being like

363
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Speaker 2: basically trying to figure out where they let go from here.

364
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Speaker 1: Ming Wing says, did he cheat tolerate from him? I'm

365
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,880
Speaker 1: not interpreting is that I'm interpreting it more as like, hey,

366
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Speaker 1: that you unloaded a lot of information for me, and

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Speaker 1: I want to be the best person that I can

368
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Speaker 1: be to you. But I have these erroneous beliefs of

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Speaker 1: like how I want my partner to act at all times,

370
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:28,400
Speaker 1: and like I need space and time to move move

371
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Speaker 1: past this, just because it's like, even though I know

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Speaker 1: that this, like I this is in the past, and

373
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Speaker 1: I don't like I shouldn't judge you based on this

374
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Speaker 1: because you are now a different person, it's still going

375
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Speaker 1: to be hard for me to get past it. And

376
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Speaker 1: so give me patience and still give me honesty as

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Speaker 1: I'm moving through this, I think. So that's how I'm

378
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,800
Speaker 1: seeing it. Yeah, but the same I see. So he

379
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,760
Speaker 1: started off apologizing to me for not being a better man.

380
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Speaker 1: Well that was all I could take when he said

381
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:04,160
Speaker 1: that floodgates came open. Here. It was this wonderful man

382
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,639
Speaker 1: who I basically lied to and drop probably what I

383
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,000
Speaker 1: can only imagine from a man's point of view, being

384
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Speaker 1: one of the worst things you could ever tell a

385
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:17,400
Speaker 1: future spouse, and he was apologizing to me. I had

386
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,960
Speaker 1: to hug him and tell him not to apologize to me.

387
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,600
Speaker 1: He held me as I cried for a few minutes,

388
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Speaker 1: but then tried to gather myself to listen to him.

389
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Speaker 1: He went on to say he had a horrible week.

390
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,280
Speaker 1: He said he had come face to face with a

391
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Speaker 1: lot of his own insecurities, jealousies, and prejudices, which I think,

392
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,160
Speaker 1: you know, if I was confronted with the same information

393
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Speaker 1: one like, I probably would have a lot of these

394
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,680
Speaker 1: same things come up, and I hope I would act

395
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,520
Speaker 1: in a way similar to this guy, where I'm like

396
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:55,359
Speaker 1: really trying to work through these insecurities and these like

397
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Speaker 1: these uh erroneous prejudices.

398
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Speaker 2: I like how he's breaking this down. He's he's basically

399
00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:02,800
Speaker 2: like low Keia masterclass because he's like, hey, I am

400
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,439
Speaker 2: feeling these things. Instead of like going and be like

401
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,479
Speaker 2: hey this is what I think that like attacking her

402
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:09,719
Speaker 2: with it, He's like, hey, these are the feelings I have.

403
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,640
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna sit down and like yeah.

404
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,840
Speaker 1: And like though I know I feel these feelings, I

405
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:20,879
Speaker 1: also know that like it's like this is my problem,

406
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,200
Speaker 1: not yours, you know, yeah, which I think is cool,

407
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,320
Speaker 1: really great. He also said that he learned something about

408
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:32,680
Speaker 1: himself and he did not like what he learned. He said,

409
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,080
Speaker 1: up until I told him my story he did not

410
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,959
Speaker 1: realize that he was very possessive and had a jealous streak.

411
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 1: He talked a lot about it, but I'll skip that

412
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,680
Speaker 1: because it was really personal, and while this is going

413
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,600
Speaker 1: to be a length of a book, if I conclude that.

414
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,400
Speaker 1: He then asked me if I was willing to put

415
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,400
Speaker 1: up with him having some very probing questions and some

416
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,919
Speaker 1: very personal comments about them. Again, I said I was

417
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,399
Speaker 1: going to do whatever it took. So he asked the

418
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:03,960
Speaker 1: following questions. One did I use protection every time? Two?

419
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:09,359
Speaker 1: Did I have any interaction with anyone spicy sleepily in

420
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,240
Speaker 1: the city we live now? Three? Did I have any

421
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:17,160
Speaker 1: idea how many people I had spicy sleep with? Four?

422
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:21,680
Speaker 1: Have I been tested for any spicy sleepily transmitted diseases?

423
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,440
Speaker 1: And if so, when was the last time? And did

424
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:27,679
Speaker 1: I keep records of it? Five? Am I willing to

425
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 1: be tested again and even again in the future. Six

426
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,320
Speaker 1: did I ever have spicy sleep with anyone without them

427
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:41,200
Speaker 1: being a customer? Seven? What type of substances did I take?

428
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:42,280
Speaker 2: Eight?

429
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:47,560
Speaker 1: When was the last time I took substances? Nine? Do

430
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,760
Speaker 1: I feel any need or desire to take substances or

431
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 1: any other substance? Since this incident occurred? Ten? How can

432
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,240
Speaker 1: I guarantee to him that I won't in the future

433
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:01,160
Speaker 1: turn back to substances? Eleven does spicy sleep have any

434
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,800
Speaker 1: real meaning for me? And do I enjoy it or

435
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,040
Speaker 1: is it just something I do now to be close

436
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:10,640
Speaker 1: to him? Twelve? How much money did I steal? Thirteen?

437
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,480
Speaker 1: Did I pay back the money? Fourteen? Have I ever

438
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 1: stolen any money or anything else without it being for substances? Fifteen?

439
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,040
Speaker 1: How can I guarantee him that I won't steal from

440
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,480
Speaker 1: him in the future? And I think that's it? Wow?

441
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,000
Speaker 2: Wow, He wasn't lying. He said he had a lot

442
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,000
Speaker 2: of probe questions. He said, any meant it?

443
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:37,360
Speaker 1: And I think those if you're trying to start from

444
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,359
Speaker 1: an honest, open place, I think, and it's going to

445
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,240
Speaker 1: be your fiance, I feel like you can ask these questions.

446
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,439
Speaker 2: I think he because he like laid it out and

447
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 2: he's basically like, Hey, I am going to like really

448
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,040
Speaker 2: really dig deep here, so I want to give you

449
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,119
Speaker 2: the heads up in the warning that it's going to

450
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:54,160
Speaker 2: probably feel like that.

451
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:57,240
Speaker 1: Is it okay to Yeah? Did you ask for permission

452
00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 1: before asking this question? Yes? And now he's asking permission

453
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 1: and again by asking these questions. Yeah, I'm curious how

454
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 1: you guys feel about those questions?

455
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,440
Speaker 2: Yes, and.

456
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, Persa Griebas is fair. I would love to know

457
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,760
Speaker 1: what all of you guys think. I could you know?

458
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:22,480
Speaker 1: I obviously I have my own like biases and insecurities.

459
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,760
Speaker 1: But for me, I feel like he's handling it in

460
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 1: a in a fairly positive way. But I would really,

461
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,280
Speaker 1: I really Yeah. Kaitlyn Van Campus says, that's a lot

462
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,120
Speaker 1: of questions, but I think it's coming from a good place.

463
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 1: Getting Up Darkness says, I think it's fair. So this

464
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,679
Speaker 1: took several hours to answer because I had to often

465
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 1: stop to compose myself, but I answered every one of

466
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 1: his questions as honestly as I could. He often told

467
00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 1: me that I didn't have to answer them if I

468
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 1: didn't want to, and kept apologize for asking, but he

469
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,360
Speaker 1: said that to go forward with anything, he knew that

470
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,359
Speaker 1: he had to know or he just wouldn't be able to.

471
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,760
Speaker 1: He then listed out his concerns and asked if I

472
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,200
Speaker 1: really wanted to work with him on them, and he

473
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 1: would understand if I didn't want to. I said, I

474
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,879
Speaker 1: wouldn't be here if I didn't want this. So his

475
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 1: concerns were as follows, this this does feel healthy.

476
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 2: I think so. I mean, he's like just trying to

477
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,959
Speaker 2: break it down, and I think he's also trying to

478
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 2: be as self aware as possible and saying like, hey,

479
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,800
Speaker 2: some of these questions might be a lot of I said,

480
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 2: the questions are weird, but I don't understand why he asked.

481
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,960
Speaker 2: Like it's like he's like, hey, I'm trying to be

482
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 2: self aware and that these might be like I might

483
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,840
Speaker 2: not be like educated on stuff. I might be again,

484
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,080
Speaker 2: like he said, my own insecurities, my own fears and everything,

485
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,920
Speaker 2: but he's like for me to continue in this relationship,

486
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 2: like I at least as if right now to minging

487
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:05,159
Speaker 2: over communication is better than no communication. I also totally agree.

488
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,719
Speaker 2: I don't know. I think he's again he might not

489
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,080
Speaker 2: be like fully educated in everything, but I feel like

490
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 2: every relationship is unique, and he's like, for me in

491
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,399
Speaker 2: this relationship, this is what I need. Do I have

492
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 2: your consent and permission.

493
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 1: To move forward? Yeah? And she's giving her consent and permission.

494
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 2: It seems like she's like so far, yes, Like I'm

495
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:25,679
Speaker 2: good with this.

496
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:32,080
Speaker 1: So so his concerns are as follows a He's afraid

497
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,160
Speaker 1: that if times get rough in the future, for whatever reason,

498
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,359
Speaker 1: I might steal from him or his family. Honestly, I

499
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,520
Speaker 1: was surprised by this, as this was not something I

500
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,320
Speaker 1: thought would be an issue, but it was the first

501
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:45,560
Speaker 1: thing he talked about. Now. To be fair, his family

502
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: owns a business. They're not rich, but they are not

503
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,000
Speaker 1: poor either, so I guess he's worried when he takes

504
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,760
Speaker 1: over I might steal b In his words, he has

505
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,240
Speaker 1: an irrational fear that wants a junkie, always a junkie,

506
00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,600
Speaker 1: and he said he doesn't know how strong he is

507
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: and it would hurt him massively to the point of

508
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,679
Speaker 1: being no longer on this plane if we stayed together

509
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:12,560
Speaker 1: and I sunk back into that world. See his fear

510
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,840
Speaker 1: that spicy sleep would be an issue going forward. He

511
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,280
Speaker 1: said that he has horrible, intrusive thoughts that have been

512
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 1: happening all week, the fact that I had been with

513
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,840
Speaker 1: so many people and done so many different things that

514
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 1: nothing would ever be special, And ultimately he was afraid

515
00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 1: would become bitter because he would feel like we were

516
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,639
Speaker 1: just having spicy sleep for him, and that knowing that

517
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,720
Speaker 1: I would just be participating would really make him desire

518
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:43,520
Speaker 1: to have spicy sleep with me drop significantly again. I

519
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:48,720
Speaker 1: listened to him and answered every concern to what I could.

520
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,880
Speaker 1: He said he knew a lot of this was nothing

521
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,719
Speaker 1: I could ever really guarantee, but he just had to

522
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 1: talk about it. I told him that I understood, and

523
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,680
Speaker 1: that I had already expected that some of this would

524
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:06,360
Speaker 1: come up. As I said, we spent several hours going

525
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,200
Speaker 1: over this stuff. We had to take a couple of

526
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,359
Speaker 1: breaks so that way our emotions would not get the

527
00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 1: better of us. He really went through the range of

528
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: emotions himself, but I knew I had to let him

529
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 1: if I wanted this to work. He told me he

530
00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:21,800
Speaker 1: was willing to stay, and he was willing to try

531
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:26,400
Speaker 1: to make this work because he really loved me. Obviously,

532
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,840
Speaker 1: my heart leaped at this, and I cried again. You

533
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,760
Speaker 1: would think with everything I've been through, I would be

534
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: tougher than this. But he said that he did not

535
00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:35,920
Speaker 1: feel like we could go through with the wedding as scheduled,

536
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 1: and that in all honesty, he would like to end

537
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 1: our engagement and stay dating exclusive of course for a while,

538
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:43,360
Speaker 1: which I think is good.

539
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 2: It's like it's like Hey, let's take time to rebuild

540
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 2: the relationship a new to get back to this point.

541
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:53,240
Speaker 1: And also rebuild the relationship from a place of complete honesty.

542
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 1: You know, like, yes, you are. You can be a

543
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,919
Speaker 1: different person in every moment, right, you can choose to

544
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 1: be a different, better version of your person, yourself in

545
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,439
Speaker 1: every moment. But if I hit a big part of

546
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,440
Speaker 1: who I am and introduce that to my partner, I

547
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:16,159
Speaker 1: would expect my partner to feel like they didn't know me,

548
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,760
Speaker 1: or at least not all of me. Yeah, and so

549
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,360
Speaker 1: I think it was I think it would be important

550
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:25,920
Speaker 1: to start building. Uh, it would be important to establish

551
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,400
Speaker 1: a period of time where we're rebuilding from complete honesty.

552
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:33,199
Speaker 1: And when you rebuild from complete honesty, I think you

553
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:36,360
Speaker 1: build rebuild on very strong ground.

554
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 2: On stronger like you will. I feel like they will

555
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 2: be a stronger couple after this. That says like fortified

556
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 2: the foundation of their relationship.

557
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 1: I feel like, and again, if there's one thing I

558
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 1: think that you know, but it's hard for Op. Two

559
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,840
Speaker 1: because it's like, you know, it's easy for me to say, hey,

560
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 1: you should have been honest with him from the get go,

561
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: but are like, you know, if you say all this

562
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 1: on your first day, probably not gonna get another date.

563
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:03,920
Speaker 2: It's a tough spot, right, And I do want to

564
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 2: say super quick, there is this like this slight and

565
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 2: I'm curious, what do you think on this? There's a

566
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:10,480
Speaker 2: slight air of like he was like, I'll do anything

567
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,440
Speaker 2: and like, you know, whatever it takes. I'm almost like,

568
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,800
Speaker 2: still remember your self worth. Not that she's you know,

569
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:21,920
Speaker 2: disregarding it necessarily, but like to remember like, hey, you

570
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 2: you got clean, you changed your life, you have like

571
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 2: led this amazing life moving forward, and that uh, to

572
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:33,920
Speaker 2: not let that devalue her self worth. And she could

573
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:35,760
Speaker 2: at the same token be like, hey, I understand your

574
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,800
Speaker 2: concerns and everything, but also you know, I am a

575
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 2: changed woman and I am an incredible I am the

576
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,320
Speaker 2: same woman that you know and have have fallen in

577
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,440
Speaker 2: love with. So uh, I kind of that took that

578
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 2: as like a lesson too. It's like, hey, you're you.

579
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 2: You still deserve your feeling of self worth, even in

580
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 2: those moments you're like all do anything, like you You're

581
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 2: still worthy of the love and everything.

582
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 1: So I just wanted to yeah, I know that out there,

583
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,800
Speaker 1: completely agree, he said in all honesty, he felt like

584
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 1: while he believes me and feels like he knows me.

585
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,040
Speaker 1: He wants to take the time to look at this

586
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:09,240
Speaker 1: from a new perspective. This is where the part about

587
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,720
Speaker 1: feeling that he didn't really know me came in. I

588
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 1: took off my ring and I gave it to him

589
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,479
Speaker 1: for the first time. He broke down and cried. He

590
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 1: told me to put it back on, and he just

591
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,240
Speaker 1: wants to postpone the wedding, not end the engagement. I

592
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 1: told him we could do whatever he thought we had

593
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,160
Speaker 1: to do. He said, we're just going to tell people

594
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,800
Speaker 1: we're going to postpone the date due to scheduling conflicts.

595
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,440
Speaker 1: Who would let them know a new date. Then we

596
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,240
Speaker 1: had to decide what we're going to tell family. He

597
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:36,920
Speaker 1: said from his side of the family that he is

598
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,160
Speaker 1: going to tell them that he was feeling pressured at

599
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 1: work and they got upset over a misunderstanding about time away.

600
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 1: I told him that I would say whatever he wanted.

601
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,080
Speaker 1: He said it was best to not tell anyone else

602
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: about my past except for our minister, who we are

603
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,600
Speaker 1: going to start going to couples counseling with. We both

604
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 1: agreed to this, and as to my family, well, this

605
00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,320
Speaker 1: is where the one problem we had that day came up.

606
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,560
Speaker 1: He just assumed my family knew. I told him they

607
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 1: only knew about the substances and the stealing. He said

608
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 1: that he thought my parents should know because they are

609
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,960
Speaker 1: paying for the wedding and it will cause some problems

610
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: slash canceling events and stuff, and he did not want

611
00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 1: them to think this was just because I used substances

612
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 1: years ago. It wasn't a deal breaker for him, but

613
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:22,719
Speaker 1: he said it was something he felt was right, but

614
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 1: would abide by whatever I thought was best. I don't

615
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 1: really want to tell my parents what I did was

616
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,080
Speaker 1: bad enough, stealing and doing substances, but if they knew

617
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 1: I Spicy danced and Spicy sleeped for money myself, I

618
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 1: didn't think I could ever look at them in the

619
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 1: eye again. And they have been so wonderful to me

620
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 1: since I've come back, So in conclusion, this ended better

621
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,320
Speaker 1: than I have ever dreamed possible. Yes, I know he

622
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 1: has a diminished view of me. He really was upset,

623
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:51,920
Speaker 1: and I waited so long to tell him, but I

624
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:55,240
Speaker 1: had to know that this was inevitable, and he said,

625
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 1: once he gets over the initial shock, he will try

626
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,719
Speaker 1: his best to never bring it up again. He truly

627
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 1: is a wonderful man, and I am so very lucky

628
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:07,680
Speaker 1: that God put him in my life. TLDR asked a

629
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:09,480
Speaker 1: lot of questions, stayed a lot of concerns, but in

630
00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:11,080
Speaker 1: the end, it's going to stick it out and trying

631
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,160
Speaker 1: to make it work. I'm so very happy. And there

632
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 1: is an edit with some more information. Caitlin van Kamp

633
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: and the search for drugs will make you do anything

634
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,960
Speaker 1: for them, including even surpassing what op has done. She

635
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:25,320
Speaker 1: really does need to think it and to therapy to

636
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 1: work through all that trauma. Yeah, I feel like the

637
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,600
Speaker 1: minister is a good start, but I might get some

638
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 1: help individual things.

639
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 2: Couple somebody mentioned couples therapy, Like I feel like, you know,

640
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,480
Speaker 2: working at it from all, getting all the support from

641
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 2: from all the angles as best as you can afford it,

642
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:45,880
Speaker 2: et cetera.

643
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, grade agreed. Yeah, but it is like the ministers

644
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:50,520
Speaker 1: a great start