1 00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to brain Stuff production of iHeart Radio. Hey brain Stuff, 2 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:11,399 Speaker 1: Lauren vog Obam Here. Today's episode talks about grief and 3 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,200 Speaker 1: panic like symptoms. So if you're not up for that today, 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: go ahead and skip this one. And Hey, take care 5 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:21,480 Speaker 1: of yourself. Okay, I've experienced this sort of grief too. 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 1: But the writer of the article that today's episode is 7 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: based on Carrie. She spoke to the emotion visc early. 8 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 1: She wrote that on a recent grade, recently afternoon, she 9 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:35,160 Speaker 1: found herself with a McMansion size case of cabin fever, 10 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: in a hankering for the wind in her hair regardless 11 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: of the weather, coronavirus be darned, so she laced up 12 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: her boots, snapped on her Fannie pack containing pandemic essentials, 13 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,600 Speaker 1: grabbed her raincoat, and high tailed it to a nearby 14 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 1: state park. Moving blissfully through the misty rain on a 15 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 1: trail she had hiked a thousand times. She felt high 16 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: on the sweet endorphin rush of well being and at 17 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: one with the world. Where the trail met the l 18 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: a man was squatted on the shore fishing, and as 19 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: she put on her face mask to say a muffled hello, 20 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,760 Speaker 1: the sun peeked out, dappling the water with sparkles of 21 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: light that glinted off the side of his rusty bobbing 22 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: bait pale, which she noticed was emblazoned with the fading 23 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:19,480 Speaker 1: words old pal minnow bucket. And that's when, out of 24 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,759 Speaker 1: nowhere it hit. A roaring freight train of abject sadness 25 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: crashed into her, leaving her vibrating with heartache, loneliness, and 26 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: a cavernous sense of loss. She couldn't breathe that, she 27 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 1: couldn't think the landscape around her had morphed into a 28 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 1: cacophonous blur. She sat down against a tree and bald, 29 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 1: feeling utterly suffocated deflated. It took about thirty minutes that 30 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: felt more like an eternity, but the amplified sensations subsided, 31 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: leaving her mentally agitated, physically drained, and spiritually bone dry. 32 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: What was it that had temporarily knocked her off her feet? 33 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 1: Carrie had been blindsided with what's known as a stug, 34 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: a sudden or subsequent temporary upsurge of grief. So what 35 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,959 Speaker 1: is a stug? So we spoke with Laura Silverman, licensed 36 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 1: clinical social worker and owner of Sweet Grass Integrated Counseling 37 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:19,799 Speaker 1: and Therapy in Atlanta, Georgia. She said, a stug is 38 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:23,920 Speaker 1: essentially an overwhelming and almost incapacitating feeling of grief that 39 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 1: comes out of nowhere. It can occur at any time, 40 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,600 Speaker 1: including many years after a loss, but it's most experienced 41 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:35,679 Speaker 1: during the first year of grief. Dr Terse Rando, a 42 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: psychotherapist and grief counselor, coined the term stug in the 43 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 1: early ninety nineties. Randoll likened the stug experience after the 44 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,800 Speaker 1: death of a loved one to waves coming in and 45 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: out from the ocean. Occasionally a tsunami comes along and 46 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,360 Speaker 1: rips our feet out from under us. Silverman shares from 47 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:57,080 Speaker 1: her own experience. She said, five years after the loss 48 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 1: of my mother, I found myself sitting on my staircase 49 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 1: one night, sobbing, convinced that I had forgotten to say 50 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: goodbye to my mother. My husband and son had to 51 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: remind me that I was with her at the end, 52 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 1: planned the funeral, and did her eulogy. It took several 53 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:14,919 Speaker 1: minutes for me to calm down and to recall the events. 54 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 1: She continued. The problem with the stug is that when 55 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: we're experiencing one, it feels like it's all there is, 56 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,919 Speaker 1: that it will never end, and in that sense, it's 57 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 1: very scary. A stug can also leave us feeling completely alone, 58 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: because it's extremely hard to describe to another person how 59 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: we're feeling. Because a grief attack tends to come out 60 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 1: of the blue and is so consuming, it appears to 61 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: be disproportionate to what's happening at the moment, this can 62 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: leave people around us baffled and unable to help. Stug 63 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 1: is often accompanied with feelings of confusion, loneliness, deep sadness, regret, 64 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:53,080 Speaker 1: and more. It's often experienced a sobbing, numbness and ability 65 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: to think, and physical pain. It comes with such strength 66 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 1: the people often describe it as hitting a wall or 67 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,200 Speaker 1: having a older land on them. Some have described feeling 68 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: like they're not themselves during a stug, leaving them feeling 69 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: untethered from everything they understand about themselves, about their world, 70 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: and even about their relationship to God or the universe. 71 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 1: A stug is profoundly linked to the connection or relationship 72 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,920 Speaker 1: we shared with our deceased loved one, so the annual 73 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,240 Speaker 1: cycle of birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and even the change of 74 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:30,159 Speaker 1: seasons may magnify our greek Likewise, retirement graduations, the birth 75 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:32,919 Speaker 1: of a child, weddings, events where our loved one is 76 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:38,840 Speaker 1: profoundly absent. These may activate painful emotions less predictably, our 77 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:41,560 Speaker 1: senses may be ignited out of seemingly thin air by 78 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 1: a particular song, scent, food, or film that we associate 79 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,960 Speaker 1: with a loved one. In the case of the author, carry, 80 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,440 Speaker 1: she was stugged on a random day in the middle 81 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 1: of the woods by an old minnow bucket exactly like 82 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 1: the one her father, who had died fourteen years previous, 83 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: possessed that she and her brother, who had died eight 84 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:04,880 Speaker 1: teen months previous, used to play with as kids. Silverman said, 85 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,960 Speaker 1: nothing happens in a vacuum. The nature of the relationship 86 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 1: we had with the person were grieving, the nature of 87 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: their death, and how we were taught to express our 88 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:17,760 Speaker 1: feelings all impact our grief experience. All of this combines 89 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,600 Speaker 1: to create a painful stew of longing, shame, guilt, loneliness, 90 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 1: and heartbreak. So a stug may be driven by many 91 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,040 Speaker 1: layers of unresolved issues with our loved one. It may 92 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 1: be driven by feelings of helplessness, at being able to 93 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,200 Speaker 1: prevent their death or suffering. It can be the result 94 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: of pent up emotions that had no place to go. 95 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: Our emotions create physical reactions in our bodies. Our brains 96 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:45,159 Speaker 1: and bodies are not separate entities, so as with any 97 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 1: powerful burst of emotion, experiencing a stug can be physically exhausting, 98 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 1: and Silverman emphasized that it's important to take care of 99 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,240 Speaker 1: your physical self by finding a quiet place to take 100 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:59,360 Speaker 1: a break, drinking water, and focusing on breathing. She explained 101 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,559 Speaker 1: that once calm, some people find it helpful to talk 102 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,799 Speaker 1: or just sit with someone, and for others it helps 103 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:09,159 Speaker 1: to stay solitary but engage with something that feels pleasant 104 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 1: in some way. She said that can be as simple 105 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,160 Speaker 1: as looking at the blue sky, listening to the wind 106 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 1: in the trees, or drinking a cup of warm tea. 107 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:21,200 Speaker 1: As unpleasant as a stug is, it's important to note 108 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,359 Speaker 1: that it is temporary. It will pass, even though it 109 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 1: can feel like it's going to go on forever. The 110 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 1: fact that you've had a stug doesn't necessarily mean that 111 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,719 Speaker 1: it will recur. What it does mean is that you 112 00:06:31,839 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: had one, got through it, and now no you can 113 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:40,080 Speaker 1: handle it if it happens again. We live in disquieting 114 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: times on many fronts, as millions of people in communities 115 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: across the globe or coping with a multitude of threadbare emotions, 116 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:51,000 Speaker 1: including grief. Silverman says that it can help to keep 117 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: that collective experience in mind as a sense of connection 118 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: and commonality. She said, We're not alone. We're connected to 119 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: every other all on the planet, and none of us 120 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 1: has lived our lives without experiencing grief and handling hard stuff. 121 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,880 Speaker 1: If you're listening to this, you made it through, so 122 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 1: you can do hard you. We can get through hard 123 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:21,440 Speaker 1: times and this moment in history together. Today's episode was 124 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: written by Carrie Tatro and produced by Tyler Clay. For 125 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 1: more on this and lots of other topics, visit how 126 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 1: stuff works dot com. Brain Stuff is a production of 127 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,679 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. For more podcasts to my heart Radio, 128 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,560 Speaker 1: visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you 129 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.