WEBVTT - “I’M GETTING MY LIFE TOGETHER AT 35” 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.920 All from Richard. Oh shure, dude, I called you so 0:00:03.960 --> 0:00:06.280 many times trying to get into this bitch. How you doing? 0:00:07.120 --> 0:00:09.000 What's going on? 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:09.680 My dog? 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:14.040 How can I be a lizard on the phone with 0:00:14.080 --> 0:00:15.920 you today? My good sir? 0:00:17.120 --> 0:00:20.000 Uh? You know, in all honesty, I just really wanted 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:21.920 to talk to you. You seem like a really cool dude. 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:27.960 I really appreciate the advice from the perspective from your podcast, 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:30.600 and I'm a really big fan and I have like 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:33.159 a few things we could talk about or we just 0:00:33.200 --> 0:00:36.279 talk about nothing significant and just bullshit. 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:38.760 Well, thank you for the kind words. 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:38.919 Man. 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:44.560 I'm trying my best. Uh. Well, let's see, you see, 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:48.640 I'm picking up some vibes from you immediately. I'm a 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:49.360 little nervous. 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:55.640 I'm a little nervous. I got anxiety. Okay, Okay, have spoken? 0:00:56.280 --> 0:00:57.200 Have we ever spoken before? 0:00:58.320 --> 0:01:02.160 We haven't. But I get that a lot from a 0:01:02.160 --> 0:01:04.560 lot of people. I don't know. I have a very 0:01:04.600 --> 0:01:06.680 welcoming demeanor. 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:09.880 I guess, Uh, what's your name? What's your name? 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:11.640 Richard? 0:01:12.400 --> 0:01:17.039 Richard? Well, you said you said, you said you had 0:01:17.040 --> 0:01:19.120 a couple of things you wanted to talk about. Why 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:20.000 don't you hit me with one. 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:25.520 I'm thinking about quitting my band that I've been with 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:34.240 for like nine years now. I'm in this recording cycle 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:39.600 with someone that's a situationship that, uh, I like this 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:42.560 person they want most of it than what I do. 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:45.920 But at the same time, it's like, I don't know, 0:01:46.120 --> 0:01:49.840 I don't really feel that way towards them, but I 0:01:49.880 --> 0:01:55.640 do like them a lot. And also I don't know, 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:59.880 I'm really just trying to balance out my life, like uh, 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:05.320 that perfect balance of walk, play, family, friends, alone time, 0:02:05.800 --> 0:02:10.880 and I've had a real hard time socializing. And it's 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:14.960 kind of a whole backstory to that one where something 0:02:15.040 --> 0:02:17.800 happened and I ended up in a personality crisis so 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:18.520 to speak. 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:21.960 Wah, a personality crisis? 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:30.679 Yeah, so I uh, a long time ago, I started 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:37.280 meditating and stuff and queued into my ego and saw 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:40.799 like this plaque pit just expand into it and I 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:44.799 knew immediately what it was, and ever since then, I've 0:02:44.840 --> 0:02:49.880 been working on this path towards enlightenment so to speak. 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:54.799 Okay, And how did yeah, how did this lead to 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:56.320 a personality crisis? 0:02:57.040 --> 0:03:02.080 Well, okay, so you know, growing up, I didn't have 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:06.360 the best role models and ideas of what things wore, 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:08.519 you know what I mean, Like you kind of grow 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:12.320 up with this sense of what is right, and then 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.840 when you get older, you realize what you think is 0:03:15.919 --> 0:03:20.440 right is wrong. And you know, I tried to I 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:23.280 always tried to become something that I wasn't and now 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:26.840 and then I realized that, you know, like I was 0:03:26.840 --> 0:03:30.760 becoming something horrible. Like I woke up one day and 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:34.600 I realized I had become everything I hated, despite everything 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:38.560 I tried to do, became everything I hated, and I 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:40.440 just saw the endline in that, and I was like, 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:44.840 I'm not doing this anymore. So I changed and it led. 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:49.000 That was twenty seventeen, and it led towards this really 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:55.040 big progression in myself. But I got stuck in this 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:59.440 duality of mind between who I was, who I am, 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:05.280 and who I wish to be. So it created this 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:08.840 real bad social anxiety of not knowing how to interact 0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:09.800 anymore with people. 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:17.360 And how did you eventually get over that and learn 0:04:17.400 --> 0:04:19.400 how to interact with people? Or is that something you're 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:20.080 still dealing with? 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:25.279 You know, it's something I'm getting better with, but it's 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:29.400 also something that I'm still dealing with. What I ended 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:32.880 up doing is this, right, you can't live in the 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:35.000 past what I did in the past and what anyone 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:38.120 does in the past. You know, you don't have to 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:40.600 be that push and you have to take accountability for 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:43.080 your actions. And I do believe that. You know, like 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:47.200 you should apologize if you need to or do something, 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:52.039 but you know, like the real apology is changing and 0:04:52.120 --> 0:05:00.719 acknowledging what you did wrong. Right, So I I say it. Sorry. 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:03.440 I'm getting kind of bottlenecked in my head with that. 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:09.279 It's a lot to explain. But basically what I've said 0:05:09.320 --> 0:05:12.800 is this is that I'm not that person anymore. I've 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:16.640 changed a lot. There are a lot of people out 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:19.120 there who don't know me because I don't really hang 0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:23.240 around with those people that used to. And you know, 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:26.040 like I like myself and a lot of people like me. 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:30.240 I'm a friendly dude. I'm kind of weird and awkward sometimes, 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:34.440 but like real talk, you know, like a lot of 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:37.679 the problems I suffer from are problems that I can't 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:45.560 let go of and I make in my head. You know, hmm. 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:48.240 Hm, how how old are you? 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:50.080 Richard thirty five? 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:55.840 Thirty five? Yes, And what I just I'm just I'm 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:57.560 just gonna ask some questions. I want to know what's 0:05:57.600 --> 0:05:59.159 going you know who you are, what do you do 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:01.520 for work? Uh? 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:05.000 I did walk in the machine shop. It's nothing great, 0:06:05.200 --> 0:06:08.680 It's uh not what I want to do. And that's 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.080 another thing I'm trying to get out of. But I 0:06:11.120 --> 0:06:15.719 also getting out of a shop is hard. I lived 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:19.440 my whole life thinking I wasn't gonna make it this far, 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:23.000 the whole punk rock life style of live fast die. 0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:25.480 Then I made it this far and I have a kid, 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:26.960 and I'm like, I don't want to die anymore. I 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:30.640 want to live. So now I'm stuck here like kind 0:06:30.680 --> 0:06:34.799 of organizing my life at thirty five, and it is overwhelming. 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:38.520 So let's let's talk. This is interesting. So you uh yeah, 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:43.680 you mentioned that you were in a band and you 0:06:43.720 --> 0:06:45.839 were living a how long? How long? How long have 0:06:45.880 --> 0:06:47.840 you been in this like punk rock scene for a 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:51.480 living fast and doing such and such. 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:56.320 Living it? And so I found out about punk at twelve. 0:06:56.440 --> 0:06:59.960 It was Black Flag and I flagged stuff like that 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:02.240 and then that was like, that's all I wanted to 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:05.120 do was play punk music. And then I started going 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:10.000 to shows and hanging out about the age of fifteen, 0:07:12.600 --> 0:07:15.320 and that's when I really kind of I just don't 0:07:15.480 --> 0:07:18.360 forced into it and was like, fuck it, this is me, 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:21.640 this is what I'm doing, and I loved it, and 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:25.000 like that was all fun and games until you know, 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:29.200 like witness a lot of people dying, you also see 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:31.880 a lot of people that are kind of hypocritical, and 0:07:31.920 --> 0:07:35.160 then you realize like, oh, shure, I am just like 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:37.960 this person, and then like the people you idolize, Like 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:40.920 why am I idolizing this dude? He's a fucking horrible person. 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:46.440 Like I sorry if I'm getting a little sidetracked or 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:47.600 anything or off topic. 0:07:52.200 --> 0:07:57.120 Well, so when did you have your kids? 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:02.040 I had my kid young. I was twenty one when 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:02.720 she was born. 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:05.240 Oh shit, okay, so you've had a kid for a 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:12.920 long time, yes, okay, And how has that affected your life? 0:08:14.800 --> 0:08:17.040 It made me think less selfishly. I didn't want my 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:21.280 daughter to watch her dad grow up through a jail cell, okay. 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:23.480 And it also made me think about you know, because 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:27.640 like it made me think about real talk and made 0:08:27.680 --> 0:08:30.680 me think about like how I treated women and how 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:32.600 I treated others, and you know, like do I want 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:35.760 my daughter to see her dad doing this shit or 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:38.880 do I want you know, because what she sees me do, 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:42.720 She's gonna see in other people, and that's gonna kind 0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:47.760 of determined normality for her. And I didn't want her 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:56.120 thinking that normal was, you know, like getting in fights 0:08:56.200 --> 0:09:00.280 and getting black out on drugs and shit. You know 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:05.920 mm hm, So I would say, you know, I didn't 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:08.600 I'll say this, I never wanted a kid, But now 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.839 that I haven't who I couldn't picture my life without her, 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:15.160 And she's honestly changed me for the better. 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:20.120 Is the mom still around? 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:25.040 Yeah, we're not together, but we get along really well. 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:28.080 Now we actually have like a really nice relationship with 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:28.520 each other. 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:33.600 That's great. What it was, Yeah, what was it like 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:35.520 having a daughter at twenty one? That sounds like it 0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:37.000 was it? 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:41.320 Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna say it real, but like 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:45.280 it was hard because like I said, I didn't want 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:47.680 a kid. I never wanted a kid, you know, like 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:51.640 I uh wasn't a good person to have a kid, because, 0:09:51.640 --> 0:09:54.000 like I said, I was living to die and I 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:56.320 was with this goal. We were in high school together, 0:09:57.120 --> 0:10:02.880 kind of high school sweethearts, and we were together for 0:10:02.920 --> 0:10:05.320 a while and that's a whole nother story. Like I 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:09.240 kind of got sober for a while for her, and 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:11.080 we lived together, and for a while it was a 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:15.360 really codependent relationship. She was I lived at her house, 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:18.360 didn't see any of my friends. I didn't go out, 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:23.400 didn't do anything, and I think and I started to 0:10:23.400 --> 0:10:26.839 get really unhappy because you know, I wanted to go 0:10:26.880 --> 0:10:29.679 out and do stuff. I'm young at that age. And 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:35.000 then I'm gonna leave out the details on how because 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:38.520 like there's my theory, but at the end of the day, 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:42.680 it doesn't really matter. Like she got pregnant, but she 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:48.240 knew I was trying to leave, and so, uh, you know, 0:10:48.400 --> 0:10:52.600 she got pregnant, and I think she kind of thought 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:55.079 that it would save the relationship. I don't know. I 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:58.800 can't really talk for her. That's just like my impression. 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:02.400 But won't behold. It didn't because you can't save a 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:05.680 relationship with a kid. And we ended up splitting up. 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:11.360 And I'm not gonna lie. First couple of years, you know, 0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:16.160 I like a dog off the leash. I went out 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.480 and I partied, but like in the back of my head, 0:11:19.960 --> 0:11:21.560 I was like, man, I got a daughter. I can't 0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:24.840 be doing this shit, and so like I kept trying. 0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:29.080 So eventually I came around and I was like, you know, 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:31.559 I want to be a part of my daughter's life. 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:35.720 My dad wasn't there for me too much, and I 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:38.559 wanted to be better than that. I wanted you know, 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:40.920 she didn't ask to be brought into this world. It 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:44.880 wasn't her fault that me and her mom had unprotected sacks. 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:48.680 So like, I, uh, you know, I really decided that, 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:50.920 you know, like I wanted to be there for her 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:55.360 and all that. So I kind of just stepped up 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:57.080 and was like fuck it, you know, like I have 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:02.160 this kid, and I kind of found this balance between 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:04.640 going out and having fun in the punk rock life 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:08.960 styles but not going overboard and still being there for 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:14.360 like dance recitals and cheerleading games and all that shit. 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:21.640 But so I don't know, I'd kind of segue that 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:23.120 into the band. If you want. 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:29.480 Sure, I mean, yeah, sure, go ahead. 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:33.839 So I've been with this band for nine years. It's 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:37.760 called EKG. Check us out. We're really fucking fun. The 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.360 lineup we have right now is the best we've ever had. 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:44.920 We've gone through a lot. There's only two original members 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:48.640 left to me and the guitar player. The two originals, 0:12:49.720 --> 0:12:51.560 we have a new drummer and a new bass player 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:55.000 that have been for there for like three years, and 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:57.800 that's been years because like my life, you know, like 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:03.000 if I could, if I had the opportunity in life, 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:05.280 I just make music. I love it. I love music, 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:07.240 I love making it, I love playing it, I love 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:11.680 writing it. And so I put a lot of my 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:16.000 heart and soul into this band. But you know, a 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:19.400 lot of the stuff I was writing I was also 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:26.280 I wouldn't say out of control. I was casually using 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:29.800 like acid and mushrooms, you know, not like, oh my god, 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:32.080 overdoing it like every night. But you know, I'll go 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:34.600 out here and there when I had the night to 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:39.000 myself with friends, go out your party and come home. 0:13:39.080 --> 0:13:41.680 You're fucking sober up for like a week and then 0:13:41.720 --> 0:13:49.400 you know, kind of ride that line. But I recently 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:54.520 and complete well exceptual weeds, completely sober now for like 0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:59.320 three or four years, I had a self realization and 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:03.520 like even I wasn't using it too much, I was like, 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:06.920 you know, I gotta I've never had, never really been 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:10.160 sober sober for a very long time, and I wanted 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.440 to do it. A lot of my friendships felt like 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:17.480 they were more based around like us just getting high together. 0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:21.520 We weren't doing anything horrible, but like it wasn't really 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:28.120 anything productive either. And so you know, my bandmates great guys, 0:14:28.200 --> 0:14:32.080 love them, you know, as they like to have their 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:35.360 fun every now and again, and me, I don't have 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:37.880 that kind of my idea of fun is now like 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:41.880 Cress and Yu Gi oh and drawing and D and 0:14:41.960 --> 0:14:45.800 D like I like to stay in now and I 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:49.920 just don't feel like the same person. I feel kind 0:14:49.920 --> 0:14:52.480 of out of place with the rest of the band, 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:53.720 if that makes sense. 0:14:55.280 --> 0:14:57.680 Are you enjoying life more now that. 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:04.440 You're sober, that's a that's a yes and no in 0:15:04.480 --> 0:15:10.080 different ways. So in twenty seventeen, life was the best. 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:15.480 From twenty seventeen twenty twenty, right before the pandemic, oh man, 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:19.200 I was riding. I was high and but like I 0:15:19.280 --> 0:15:22.600 wasn't out of control, but like my anxiety was low. 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:27.160 I was in touch with myself spiritually and emotionally, like 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:29.920 I still am all that. But like you know, when 0:15:29.960 --> 0:15:33.720 you're sober, you have to find it's hard being a 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:37.200 sober guy with people who like to drink or you know, 0:15:37.360 --> 0:15:40.280 like get high like that, you know, and not talking 0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:42.000 about like weed not. 0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:45.040 I'm gonna stop you. I want you to finish what 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:47.640 you were saying. You were talking about why you know 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:51.120 why you look back at twenty seventeen to twenty twenty 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:52.960 as so it's a great time. 0:15:54.920 --> 0:16:00.160 Well, because how do I say this? I wasn't in 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.560 my head. I was just me. I was just Richard. 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:08.520 I had seen this horriboneness within myself, and I knew 0:16:08.520 --> 0:16:12.000 what I didn't want to be, and I became the opposite. 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:14.000 I became what I wanted to be. I was my true, 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:20.400 authentic self. And then there was a relationship long behold 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:23.840 that I thought was like the greatest thing in the 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:26.720 world at the time, because I was with this person 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:30.120 and I was in love and like I you know, 0:16:30.200 --> 0:16:33.360 I had settling down for me was a hard thing 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:36.400 to do, but I was like, I wanted to marry this. 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:38.600 This person said let's get married. I was like, let's 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:43.240 get married, you know, like I loved her. And it 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:46.480 came crashing down and it was really hard for me 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.360 to lose them because they were my best friend. They 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:53.640 were my best friend for a very very long time, 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:58.160 and I'd always liked them, and then we finally got 0:16:58.200 --> 0:17:00.480 together and I thought this was it. I was like well, 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:02.800 suare you know, I've been putting forth all this walk 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:06.560 into myself and maybe like this is just it, like 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:10.159 I just kind of get my happily. Ever after it 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:14.679 didn't happen in the breakup. It wasn't like ugly in 0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:17.520 the sense that like like I wasn't gonna like call 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:19.520 her any names or anything. I just wanted her to 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:23.280 be happy. But it was hard because I lost her, 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:28.680 you know, like I lost my best friend and like, 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:33.880 and that happened like at twenty twenty when that whole 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:37.720 thing happened, And so I felt very lost and distraught 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:45.160 for a very long time, like until like about last 0:17:45.240 --> 0:17:46.800 year it was starting to get a lot better, Like 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:50.159 twenty twenty three, I felt like I was kind of 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:51.520 coming into my own again. 0:17:53.520 --> 0:17:56.320 So you had this period of time twenty seventeen to 0:17:56.359 --> 0:18:00.560 twenty twenty where you were feeling yourself. You were, as 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:04.040 you put it, that actually had. The thing you said 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:07.080 that struck me the most was you were not in 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:10.320 your head. You were in your life, you know. Yeah, yeah, 0:18:10.400 --> 0:18:13.359 I mean that's when life that's just when life fucking sucks, 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:16.000 is when you're in your head and you're not actually 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:19.480 in your life. And so you're in your life twenty 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:23.000 seventeen to twenty twenty, You're in this relationship that you know, 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:26.680 after all this hard work and all this time, you're like, Okay, 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:32.160 finally I have you know, my quote unquote happily ever after. 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:34.639 Why you know, you don't have to get into it 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:35.920 if you don't want to. You don't have to give 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:38.600 us a ton of details or anything at all. But 0:18:38.720 --> 0:18:40.440 like I mean, you know, briefly, why do you think 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:42.200 it could it crashed down? 0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:47.800 Uh? You know, I'm gonna what I have to say 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:51.679 on that. I feel sounds projected because I don't know. 0:18:51.760 --> 0:18:54.399 She never gave me an answer. She would leave and 0:18:54.400 --> 0:18:56.679 she'd come back, and should leave and she'd come back. 0:18:57.840 --> 0:19:02.160 She'd leave and she'd come back, and like long story show. 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:05.520 I have a few theories and what I think it was, 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:09.120 And I don't know, like I said, because she never 0:19:09.160 --> 0:19:11.240 told me. We never I never got the closure. I 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:13.320 kind of had to give myself closure on that. What 0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:17.359 I think happened was one I was just kind of 0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:19.800 there to be a space filler. I don't know if 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:25.160 that's true or not, But you know, like she had 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:28.399 a hard time being alone, and I was your best friend, 0:19:28.400 --> 0:19:31.640 and you know, it was pretty obvious that I liked her, 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:33.359 you know what I mean, Like I'm'm sure I wasn't 0:19:33.520 --> 0:19:38.200 fucking coy about it or subtle, and so I think 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:40.840 she knew that. And you know, like it's easy to 0:19:40.840 --> 0:19:44.000 be with someone who likes you so much you don't 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:48.199 have to worry about them, you know, because you know 0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:49.840 they're in these so much. You don't have to worry 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:52.040 about anything because you kind of know that, like this 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:57.440 person isn't gonna leave a cheat or anything, right right. Yeah, 0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:00.520 It's like have you ever seen Rick and Morty. It's 0:20:00.560 --> 0:20:02.040 at the end of one of the episodes where he 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:06.160 goes MODI says to uh, what's his crush from that name? Uh? 0:20:06.280 --> 0:20:06.480 Show? 0:20:07.640 --> 0:20:10.320 Yeah, he says, you wanted someone who liked you so 0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:12.160 much that you didn't have to like yourself. 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:15.800 M m m hm. 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:20.880 So that's one two. I think she had a hard 0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:27.560 time being happy because she seems legitimately and like I said, again, 0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:30.960 I don't know, she seemed pretty happy, Like me and 0:20:31.000 --> 0:20:34.119 her kids got along really well. She my daughter loved 0:20:34.119 --> 0:20:38.680 tors we uh and like I said, really really close friends. 0:20:38.720 --> 0:20:44.520 Like she she had kids too, she did Yeah, Okay, 0:20:45.640 --> 0:20:47.120 so you guys have like a little family gone. 0:20:48.640 --> 0:20:50.480 Yeah. You know it's funny too because like the guy 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:52.320 who didn't want a family out of the set to 0:20:52.400 --> 0:20:55.280 me after my daughter, guy who didn't want a family, 0:20:55.560 --> 0:20:57.919 I was signing up for the family, you know. I 0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:01.199 was like, let's do this. Let's fucking to do this right, 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:03.680 right right, And that was kind of a weird thing, 0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:05.800 you know. I caught myself on that and I was like, huh, 0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:07.720 you know, like funny how things change. 0:21:08.400 --> 0:21:17.679 M hm hm. And so do you still talk to 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:20.280 this one? Or she she gone out of your life? 0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:24.760 Uh, we don't talk anymore. We haven't she hit me up, 0:21:24.840 --> 0:21:28.880 she'd send me a friend request, and I after everything, 0:21:28.920 --> 0:21:30.560 you know, it's one of those things. I felt like 0:21:30.600 --> 0:21:33.560 I spent so much time getting over her that after 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:37.359 like a knits her. I love her, Like it's hard 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:39.560 not to love her. She's an amazing person, you know, 0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:45.080 like generally great person. The connection that like I haven't 0:21:45.240 --> 0:21:50.080 known before since, but like it's hard to believe that 0:21:50.320 --> 0:21:53.359 anything is going to change at this point. I feel 0:21:53.440 --> 0:21:56.760 like the thing that had to change was me and 0:21:56.880 --> 0:22:01.159 horror realizing that what we had was unsustainable, you know, 0:22:01.280 --> 0:22:03.720 like it just didn't walk, even if it felt like 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:07.439 it should, Even if she did feel the way I felt, 0:22:08.200 --> 0:22:12.119 it didn't walk for whatever reason, and like that's okay, 0:22:12.160 --> 0:22:16.119 it didn't have to. It showed me love Israel. It 0:22:16.240 --> 0:22:20.359 showed me that I'm capable of finding people to be 0:22:20.400 --> 0:22:23.239 in relationships with that I can be happy with and 0:22:23.280 --> 0:22:26.240 I feel like, get me. It showed me a lot 0:22:26.240 --> 0:22:29.800 of positive ahead its negative effects, because like, I'll be honest, me, 0:22:30.040 --> 0:22:34.240 trusting people and letting people in hard to fucking do. Now, 0:22:34.320 --> 0:22:37.600 you know it's true, but I know that it's not 0:22:38.040 --> 0:22:40.560 like the world isn't like, oh the world's terrible. 0:22:41.080 --> 0:22:45.840 Yeah, well it's it's crazy to have a period of 0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:48.800 your life, or have a relationship or or you have 0:22:48.840 --> 0:22:50.960 a relationship period of your life where you're like, oh 0:22:51.000 --> 0:22:55.920 my fucking god, it's I finally did it. I finally 0:22:55.960 --> 0:22:58.320 did it. After all this time and all this work 0:22:58.359 --> 0:23:01.320 and all this things that didn't work out, and all 0:23:01.359 --> 0:23:03.879 the stress of this anxiety, I'm finally living this version 0:23:03.920 --> 0:23:07.760 of my life where I'm like we talked about not 0:23:07.920 --> 0:23:10.159 in my head, I'm actually in my life. I'm with 0:23:10.280 --> 0:23:15.480 this person that I feel extremely secure in this relationship 0:23:15.480 --> 0:23:17.919 and as a whole, extremely secure in my life. And 0:23:18.000 --> 0:23:25.440 to go from feeling that to having it, as you said, 0:23:25.520 --> 0:23:32.200 crash and burn. It's like it's almost like you realize 0:23:32.240 --> 0:23:35.680 that that feeling can never be counted upon ever again. 0:23:36.359 --> 0:23:40.040 And that's how you're operating from. And that's like the 0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:42.200 toughest goddamn thing on the planet Earth. 0:23:45.119 --> 0:23:47.959 You know, you said it pretty well there, Like it's 0:23:48.240 --> 0:23:51.960 again this fuality of mind and that's you you know, 0:23:52.000 --> 0:23:53.960 only thing about Buddhism or anything like that. 0:23:55.880 --> 0:24:01.760 I maybe read a fucking quote on an Instagram. I'm 0:24:01.800 --> 0:24:02.760 not gonna act. 0:24:02.600 --> 0:24:06.679 Like I'm like the most qualified person non Buddhism. But 0:24:06.720 --> 0:24:09.240 there is this thing about it where they talk about 0:24:09.320 --> 0:24:12.959 duality of the mind and how someone who is fighting 0:24:13.000 --> 0:24:16.440 with themselves can never be at peace. And that's what 0:24:16.480 --> 0:24:19.439 you said there is true because I know in my 0:24:20.400 --> 0:24:24.560 rational mind that you know, like, love is possible if 0:24:24.560 --> 0:24:27.240 you just put yourself out there, if you give yourself 0:24:27.359 --> 0:24:28.720