1 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You 2 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat and I'm the host. 3 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,720 Speaker 1: Today's episode is a solo episode with just me, which 4 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:22,919 Speaker 1: sometimes I love and sometimes I feel crazy when I 5 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,280 Speaker 1: do these, because again, it just feels like I'm ranting 6 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,680 Speaker 1: to myself. But here we are, I'm going to rant 7 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:30,920 Speaker 1: to myself, not really rant. We're gonna be talking about 8 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,159 Speaker 1: something specific and hopefully you guys will get something out 9 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: of it. Up top quickly if you're new or newer 10 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,480 Speaker 1: to the podcast. I like to remind everybody every week 11 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,920 Speaker 1: that although I'm a therapist, and although the podcast is 12 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: called You Need Therapy, this is not a substitute for 13 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 1: therapy or replacement. However, my hope is that no matter what, 14 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: it can help you, whether it's in your own therapy 15 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,960 Speaker 1: process or help you get into therapy things like that, 16 00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: this can still be a tool and something that I'm 17 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,040 Speaker 1: gonna to sport again it's helpful. So this week, I well, 18 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: I've been watching it for a while, but this week 19 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 1: Guy specifically was watching only Murders in the Building. And 20 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,040 Speaker 1: first of all, if you haven't watched this, I highly 21 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,200 Speaker 1: recommend it. I for some reason like was trying to 22 00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: avoid watching it. I just didn't think it looked very good. 23 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: But it's so good, and I just love the relationship 24 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,240 Speaker 1: that the three main characters have and it's just sweet 25 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,039 Speaker 1: and it's keeps you interested at the same time, it's 26 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:33,760 Speaker 1: like wholesome even though it's about murders. This is not 27 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: a TV review podcast, but I recommend that show. And 28 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 1: the point of you bringing that up, it's because I 29 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 1: was watching this episode the other night and one of 30 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 1: the characters had this monologue where she was talking about 31 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: the lies that we tell ourselves. And I try to 32 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,880 Speaker 1: look up the monologue so I could read some of it, 33 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: but I couldn't find it, and I accidentally gosh, so 34 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,680 Speaker 1: frustrated by this. But as I was looking it up, 35 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,120 Speaker 1: I was like typing in the person's name and then 36 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,840 Speaker 1: quotes by them, and I was reading quotes, and then 37 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: I accidentally spoiled the ending for myself. So that's just 38 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,240 Speaker 1: a lesson that I've learned today is do not google 39 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,640 Speaker 1: quotes from a show that you don't know the ending of, 40 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,920 Speaker 1: because you might accidentally read something that sets you up 41 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 1: to be very sad. Although I sense have watched the 42 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 1: ending of it, and it's still surprised me. I still like, 43 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: I knew what was going to happen, but I still didn't. 44 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 1: I had a hard time not being surprised, which is 45 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,640 Speaker 1: strange anyway. Like I said, I was watching it and 46 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 1: she was talking about the lies that we tell ourselves, 47 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:47,560 Speaker 1: and it got me thinking because we haven't talked about 48 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:50,679 Speaker 1: that directly, and I think it's about time. We've talked 49 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 1: about manipulation by others and gas lighting and when others 50 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: lie to us, and we've talked about defense mechanisms more broadly, 51 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,799 Speaker 1: a lie could be a defense mechanism, denial defense mechanism, 52 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 1: But we haven't really sat down to talk about the 53 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 1: lies that we're actually perpetually telling ourselves, like undercover, and 54 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: sometimes we don't even know we're lying because we're so 55 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: good at lying about it. Now, there are a couple 56 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: of angles that I thought I could go here, and 57 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,920 Speaker 1: it kind of for a second, I was like, how 58 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 1: am I going to make this episode? Because we could 59 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 1: talk about the lies that we tell to feel better 60 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,600 Speaker 1: about ourselves, the lies we tell in order to avoid 61 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,480 Speaker 1: parts of our lives that are hard, the lies we 62 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,400 Speaker 1: tell in order to stay in denial about certain situations, 63 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 1: the lies we tell to remain victims. I mean, the 64 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: list I could keep going. So what I'm not going 65 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,640 Speaker 1: to do is separate all this out. We lie to 66 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,880 Speaker 1: ourselves for a bunch of different reasons at different times, 67 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 1: and we do it in different ways. And when you 68 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: think about line, it's kind of automatically, I mean not 69 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 1: kind of like it automatically comes up as this bad 70 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 1: thing we shouldn't do. Right. It seems so obvious, to 71 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: the point where I'm like, why am I even saying this? 72 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 1: At the same time, I think that lying is not 73 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: a good option. It's seems like that's not what we 74 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 1: should do. And this is not going to be what 75 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 1: I'm saying. I just want to make sure that this 76 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,119 Speaker 1: is not going to be giving permission to just go 77 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 1: out and lie about whatever you want. But honesty, in 78 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: my humble opinion, isn't always the best policy. There's a 79 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 1: lot more nuance to that. Sometimes in order to maintain safety, 80 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 1: we need to lie. In order to maintain our own privacy, 81 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,560 Speaker 1: we need to lie in order to get what we need. 82 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes we need to lie. And I'm not going to 83 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,680 Speaker 1: categorize lying as all bad or all good today, because 84 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: what therapy loves to do continuously is bring up the 85 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,560 Speaker 1: messy gray area of life that makes you go uh 86 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,840 Speaker 1: huh what At the same time, it's offering you freedom 87 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,760 Speaker 1: to make your own decisions. At the same time that 88 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:51,119 Speaker 1: freedom creates this like what, this doesn't make any sense 89 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,520 Speaker 1: the greatness? And people like to fit things in boxes. 90 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 1: People like things that can be easily organized and put 91 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 1: in the right place, good, bad, right, wrong. Therapy, however, 92 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 1: often unlocks us from that way of thinking. And while 93 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 1: it's nice to be able to own the judgment in 94 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: our own story, it's nice to have that autonomy, it's 95 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: also really scary because it comes with a lot of responsibility, 96 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: a lot of difficult and uncomfortable feelings. And you know, 97 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 1: we don't really love that. I don't really love that. 98 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: Now I'm getting on a tangent. But my point is, 99 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 1: and what I just said, is that we all lie 100 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: for different reasons. That some reasons suck, and some reasons 101 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 1: are super valid and can be justified. And so what 102 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,039 Speaker 1: I'm not going to do is be the teller of 103 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:37,200 Speaker 1: what is right or wrong for you today. What we're 104 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 1: going to do is we're going to look at a 105 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:42,600 Speaker 1: list of common lies that we might tell ourselves at times, 106 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 1: Why we tell them what they might give us if 107 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 1: they're actually helping us, and if they're actually hurting us. 108 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,240 Speaker 1: And you can be the judge of what fits and 109 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 1: what works in your life or where you are and 110 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 1: what you need in it. Right now, these won't all 111 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: apply to you, because they can be opposite sides of 112 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,839 Speaker 1: the spectrum sometimes, But chances are you know someone who 113 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,840 Speaker 1: each one of the lies that I've chosen today applies to. 114 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: So with that, they basically are all relevant to everybody. 115 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,280 Speaker 1: Everything I'm about to say is relevant to everybody that's 116 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 1: listening in the world and the people that are not listening. 117 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 1: I mean, I think, but I'm also being sarcastic. Okay, 118 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 1: So I came up with a list of six common 119 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: lies that we tell ourselves. Now, this is not at 120 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: all encompassing list. We don't have time for that. But 121 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,239 Speaker 1: I just I made a big list, and I picked 122 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,799 Speaker 1: six of my favorite ones that I want, not favorite 123 00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 1: like I love to tell them, but favorite ones out 124 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:38,760 Speaker 1: of that list that I want to talk about. So 125 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,799 Speaker 1: this is like a starting point, at jumping off point. 126 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: These I hope will help you dig into the lies 127 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,159 Speaker 1: that you tell yourselves outside of the ones I'm gonna mention. 128 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,719 Speaker 1: So let's get into it and start with number one. 129 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,840 Speaker 1: So I combined this so it is a combination of 130 00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 1: if I ignore it, it will go away, and I'm okay. 131 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,919 Speaker 1: These lies remind me of how people tell you to 132 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:08,400 Speaker 1: ignore a child's attention seeking behavior and like hope hoping 133 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: that they will stop, Like just ignore them, they'll stop. 134 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: They're seeking attention. And I don't often agree with this 135 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 1: strategy because often a child is seeking attention because there's 136 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 1: a need that needs to be tended to, and that 137 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 1: can be applied to the things in your life that 138 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: you're ignoring and hopes that they will also go away too. 139 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 1: I used to do this with injuries, and honestly, I 140 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: feel like I still do this with some injuries. Like 141 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: if I hurt something, if I hurt myself, whether I 142 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,200 Speaker 1: was just like walking in trip door, I hurt myself 143 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 1: running or exercising or something like that, I would just 144 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 1: go on business as usual and hopes that whatever it 145 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: was or just magically heal itself. And this might have 146 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: worked better when I was like fifteen rather than now 147 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,760 Speaker 1: I'm in my thirties. I don't have the luxury as 148 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 1: much as I used to be able to do that, 149 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:58,040 Speaker 1: but things rarely just like went away when I hurt myself. 150 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 1: And it's also brings me back to one of my 151 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: favorite parts in the book, Maybe you should talk to someone, 152 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:09,440 Speaker 1: Lori Gottlieb, the author wrote, but Wendell, who Mrs Cat 153 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,760 Speaker 1: was her therapist. Back to the quote, but Wendell told 154 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,160 Speaker 1: me that by diminishing my problems, I was judging myself 155 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 1: and everyone else who's problems I had placed lower down 156 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,600 Speaker 1: on the hierarchy of pain. You can't get through your 157 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: pain by diminishing it, he reminded me. You get through 158 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 1: your pain by accepting it and figuring out what to 159 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 1: do with it. You can't change what you're denying or minimizing. 160 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,319 Speaker 1: And of course, often what seemed like trivial worries are 161 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,720 Speaker 1: manifestations of deeper ones. And that's the end of the quote. 162 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 1: The thing about like avoidance and ignoring things is I 163 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,199 Speaker 1: think a lot of times it seems like a really 164 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,800 Speaker 1: simple way of coping by choosing not to cope, right 165 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,320 Speaker 1: Like I'm coping by not having to cope with this. 166 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,320 Speaker 1: I'm dealing with this by not dealing with it. But 167 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:58,559 Speaker 1: it often perpetuates the thing you're avoiding, like your avoidance 168 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 1: perpetuates whatever it is that you're avoiding. Pretending that you 169 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 1: aren't in some kind of pain doesn't make the pain 170 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: go away. It just turns that pain into suffering. Pretending 171 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 1: I didn't sprain my ankle doesn't heal my ankle. What 172 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 1: it does is it creates a longer road for recovery 173 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: when I decide to take care of myself. And when 174 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 1: it comes down to it, I think that often times 175 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:24,000 Speaker 1: we might need to tell this lie until we are 176 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: ready to deal with things, until we have the space 177 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,679 Speaker 1: and the energy and the whatever it is that we 178 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 1: need in order to actually face whatever this is that 179 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 1: we're ignoring or we're avoiding and telling ourselves that we're 180 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: okay about. But eventually we're gonna have to come back 181 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,920 Speaker 1: to it. And that's really the moral of the story 182 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: is we can use this lie as much as we want, 183 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: and we're going to have to continue to use the 184 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 1: lie forever and ever and ever and ever and ever 185 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 1: and ever until we stop using the lie, because we're 186 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 1: gonna have to eventually come back to it. Yeah, okay, 187 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: so let's move to line number two. I have a 188 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: feeling a lot of you guys are going to be 189 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:09,200 Speaker 1: like that is me. The lie is I have to 190 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 1: be perfect. This can show up in a multitude of ways. 191 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,720 Speaker 1: I have to be perfect to be loved, to be accepted, 192 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 1: to be seen, to matter, to make a difference, et cetera. 193 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,160 Speaker 1: That that list can also go on and on and on. 194 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: And one of the most interesting parts of this lies 195 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,439 Speaker 1: that there's no way to objectively measure perfection of a 196 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,680 Speaker 1: human being. It's just like not a thing. We can't 197 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: do that. So when we say this, really it means 198 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 1: something else, because perfection and a human being is not 199 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,480 Speaker 1: a thing. So when we say this, we're actually meaning 200 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: something else that we're not saying. I have to measure 201 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 1: up to someone else's expectations. I can't make mistakes. I 202 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,920 Speaker 1: have to have all the answers that others deem acceptable 203 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 1: and right. I have to be perfect in somebody else's eyes. 204 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 1: Means something other than just I have to be perfect. 205 00:10:57,679 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 1: This can do a couple of things for us. It 206 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: pushes us to strive for more often. It can motivate 207 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,199 Speaker 1: us to work hard. It can also do the opposite. 208 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: If one operates out of the idea that they never 209 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: will measure up. Then what's the point, right? Why try? 210 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 1: If I know it's going to end up in a loss. 211 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 1: Operating under the lie I have to be perfect can 212 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 1: also send us into the lie that we can control 213 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:23,080 Speaker 1: our outcomes completely. It helps us develop this false sense 214 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,640 Speaker 1: of control that can easily bring us into self loathing 215 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: when things don't turn out as we plan. Well, I 216 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,120 Speaker 1: can't be perfect, so now I'm worthless. People try really 217 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:38,559 Speaker 1: really hard not to acknowledge that you can do everything 218 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: in quotes right and things will still not go as planned. 219 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,280 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you didn't do things right. And 220 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,480 Speaker 1: we refuse to acknowledge this. We refuse to acknowledge that 221 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: even when things don't go away that we planned, we 222 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:55,680 Speaker 1: can still end up with good results because once we 223 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: accept reality, a lot more options open up. And if 224 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: we can't accept the idea that we can do things 225 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,720 Speaker 1: correctly and it not go the way that planned and 226 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that we're just these big mess ups, 227 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: we can accept that we open up a lot more options. 228 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 1: And I was talking to Stacy, who is a therapist 229 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 1: that works at my practice, and we talked about something 230 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 1: really similar to this. She said to me, there are 231 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: things that I can't control. I can't control what the 232 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: traffic is going to be, like, I can't control if 233 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 1: I'm gonna get a flat tire on the way to work, 234 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: things like that. So when I wake up with this 235 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 1: idea that I have to get my Starbucks on the 236 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,040 Speaker 1: way to work or my day is going to be ruined, 237 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: I set myself up for failure. Maybe Starbucks is closed 238 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: or they're out of what I need, or I end 239 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: up not having the time because of that flat tire, 240 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,440 Speaker 1: because of the traffic, or because of the weather. Whatever. 241 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,079 Speaker 1: I can be piste and decide that my day will 242 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 1: be horrible, or I can accept that it didn't work 243 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: out how I planned and then see all the other 244 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: ways that I can get caffeine today. I can text 245 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: the client and say, Ham, five minutes, LA, I'm gonna 246 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: run down the street coffee shop by our office. I 247 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 1: can look in the fridge and see that there's a 248 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,560 Speaker 1: box of Celsius in there and say, oh, here, I 249 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:08,199 Speaker 1: can have this instead of coffee. I can text you 250 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,120 Speaker 1: and ask if you have time to make a stop 251 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,679 Speaker 1: on your way to the office. But I can't do 252 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,199 Speaker 1: any of those If I've already decided there's only one 253 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,240 Speaker 1: way to be satisfied, and that is to get my 254 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: Starbucks on the way to work, or everything is going 255 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:24,720 Speaker 1: to go to ship. And I really liked that kind 256 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,520 Speaker 1: of I mean, I don't know it's that it's a 257 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,800 Speaker 1: metaphor because it's a true story, but I really liked 258 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,720 Speaker 1: that in context of what we're talking about here, of 259 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 1: like I have to be perfect, but also we can 260 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:38,040 Speaker 1: put this line things have to go perfectly for them 261 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,440 Speaker 1: to go well, or things have to go perfectly for 262 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,800 Speaker 1: them to go right, or things have to go perfectly 263 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 1: for things to work out, and it's just not true. Again, 264 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 1: we do this and we tell this live for many 265 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 1: different reasons. And what I see over and over is 266 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,439 Speaker 1: it holds us back because even if it is this 267 00:13:56,559 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 1: perfection a motivator to work harder, then sets us up 268 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,400 Speaker 1: to like never be satisfied, because again this is an 269 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:09,200 Speaker 1: elusive thing. Now, number three, I combined two lies with 270 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: this one as well because I just felt like they fit. 271 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: So number three is that's just who I am combined with. 272 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: People never change, now here is the thing. Sometimes this 273 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 1: is not a lie. Sometimes people don't change, and often 274 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: people don't change. And I do not believe in holding 275 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: on hope for relationships and that you can change people 276 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: or people will change, because often that's what keeps us 277 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 1: in a cycle of unhealthy relationships. However, at the same time, 278 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,360 Speaker 1: often people don't change because of the lie that we 279 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: tell ourselves that's just who I am, which means you'll 280 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: always be that way and there's nothing you can do 281 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,479 Speaker 1: about it. And sure, we're all born with certain temperaments 282 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: that play a huge role in the development of our personalities. 283 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: And also we have the ability to make choices and 284 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: respond and learn and experiment and try. We have the 285 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:01,120 Speaker 1: ability to do things differently if we And when people 286 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 1: say that's just who I am, I often wonder how 287 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,760 Speaker 1: do you know that? Because a lot of times as 288 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 1: we grow up, we end up morphing ourselves into the 289 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 1: versions that we are expected to be or the visions 290 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,880 Speaker 1: that we think will lead us closer to getting it 291 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 1: is that we're what we're looking for. Speaking of the 292 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: lie we just talked about that, so a huge part 293 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,080 Speaker 1: in really knowing yourself is figuring out how to really 294 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,200 Speaker 1: unknow the limiting stories you've told yourself about who you 295 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 1: are and who you should be. So maybe that's not 296 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: just who you are. Maybe that's who you thought you 297 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,160 Speaker 1: had to be, or who you were taught to be. 298 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,120 Speaker 1: We are always, always, always allowed to change our minds 299 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,880 Speaker 1: with new information, we get to make new choices again 300 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 1: and again and again and again. It's not like an 301 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:46,160 Speaker 1: end point for that. And since we are always getting 302 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:50,920 Speaker 1: new information, you have the opportunity to evolve continuously. It's 303 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,680 Speaker 1: one of my favorite parts of life. Honestly. I get 304 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: to change when I want. When I see that it 305 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,440 Speaker 1: makes sense to not be the same that I once was, 306 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: I get to make that choice now. It can be 307 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 1: really hard. And what can be really hard about this 308 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 1: is we can't have change without loss. Which is why 309 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 1: so often people say they want to change, but then 310 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,280 Speaker 1: they don't and they keep doing the same. Thing is 311 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,640 Speaker 1: because when you make a change, you're automatically going to 312 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: lose something. And if we're really trying to avoid loss, 313 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 1: we're going to stay in this lie of that's just 314 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:26,280 Speaker 1: who I am. I can't change. Here's the thing I 315 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 1: personally believe. I don't get to use the line that's 316 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,080 Speaker 1: just who I am to excuse poor behavior or an 317 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 1: inability to be adaptable. If I allow myself to evolve. 318 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: If I'm saying that's just who I am. If I'm 319 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: using that line that the truth is I don't want 320 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 1: to be adaptable, I'm saying I don't want to be 321 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,400 Speaker 1: held accountable. I don't want to face what it is 322 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: that I may have done to cause harm to others 323 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,160 Speaker 1: because I don't want to make those changes and face 324 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,280 Speaker 1: that loss and then face those feelings. It's that whole 325 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,440 Speaker 1: idea of when someone says I'm just honest, I tell 326 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 1: it like it is when they really are making the 327 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:01,640 Speaker 1: excuse for being mean or unkind and not choosing to 328 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,440 Speaker 1: take other people's feelings into consideration. And again, like I said, 329 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: and like a lot of these lies that we're talking about, 330 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,679 Speaker 1: sometimes they might be true, Like sometimes that's just who 331 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,200 Speaker 1: I am. That might be an innate part of you. However, 332 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,239 Speaker 1: I'm really just asking you, guys to like dig in 333 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:18,760 Speaker 1: when I say that, Am I using that as an 334 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 1: excuse to avoid something? By using as an excuse to 335 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,280 Speaker 1: not feel sorry, or to not have a hard conversation 336 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,480 Speaker 1: or not to feel that guilt. So then I tell 337 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:33,120 Speaker 1: myself I need to have that conversation or is it real? Now? 338 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,399 Speaker 1: You might be the only one that's really truthfully allowed 339 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 1: and able to make that decision. So we're going to 340 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 1: move to number four. I'm too young or I'm too old. 341 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 1: This one, I believe, is in excuse to stay comfortable 342 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 1: while we trick ourselves into thinking it's keeping us safe. Now, 343 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,120 Speaker 1: what it really does a lot of times is create 344 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,400 Speaker 1: deep belongings that never get fulfilled again. Sometimes this is true, 345 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,119 Speaker 1: sometimes we're too old or we're too young, but often 346 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,639 Speaker 1: we aren't. We're just really, really afraid. This keeps us 347 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,760 Speaker 1: from trying and forces us to stay in the dream 348 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,440 Speaker 1: phase for way, way too long, sometimes literally forever. This 349 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 1: can sound a lot of different ways. I'm too old 350 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,280 Speaker 1: to go back to school. I'm too old to get 351 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,960 Speaker 1: on a dating mapp. I'm too old to start a 352 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 1: new hobby. I'm too old to leave this relationship and 353 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: start a new one. All of that, I'm too young 354 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,320 Speaker 1: to be taken seriously. I'm too young to start planning 355 00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: for whatever it is. I'm too young to ask for 356 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,480 Speaker 1: what I want. I'm too young to have expectations. These 357 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,919 Speaker 1: are excuses, and truly things might be harder for you 358 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,120 Speaker 1: because of where you are in life and age. All 359 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 1: of that, but it doesn't mean that they are impossible. 360 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,480 Speaker 1: And if you don't want to do hard things, I 361 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,800 Speaker 1: guess that's okay if you're choosing that, And with that, 362 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,679 Speaker 1: who you're going to be disappointing the most is going 363 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 1: to be yourself. We can't redo life. And I know 364 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 1: we know that this is not like a light bulb 365 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 1: moment for you guys as I say that, but I 366 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,399 Speaker 1: think sometimes we live life thinking that we're going to 367 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,600 Speaker 1: get a second shot. We fantasize about what could have 368 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,760 Speaker 1: been if we would have taken a chance back then, 369 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,600 Speaker 1: and it doesn't change a thing. Like my lawyer told me, 370 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,399 Speaker 1: which some of you guys might know that story, but 371 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 1: I had the situation and I did something before I 372 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,920 Speaker 1: processed and figured out what I needed to do, and 373 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,439 Speaker 1: I was talking to a a lawyer about it and 374 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 1: kind of like kicking myself. Again, This isn't like a 375 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:23,400 Speaker 1: I wasn't like arrested, but I was kicking myself for 376 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,080 Speaker 1: just a decision that I made. And she said to me, 377 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,760 Speaker 1: which was really helpful in the moment, we can't go 378 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: back and change what happened. We can only make a 379 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,199 Speaker 1: plan on how we want to move forward and I 380 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 1: really needed to hear that, because the truth is that 381 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,000 Speaker 1: at some point in our lives we have to let 382 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:40,480 Speaker 1: go of the fantasy that we can create a better 383 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,640 Speaker 1: past and live into the idea of creating a better 384 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,120 Speaker 1: right now. And to do that we have to be 385 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,919 Speaker 1: honest about if we really are too old, is that 386 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,200 Speaker 1: really impossible? Or are we really just scared and we 387 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:55,440 Speaker 1: need some help and some support? All right? Number five? 388 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: All right, number five. I don't have any regrets. I 389 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,119 Speaker 1: almost didn't put this one in there, and I'm not 390 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: going to spend too much time on this one because 391 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,760 Speaker 1: I think depending on how you're looking at this, it 392 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,080 Speaker 1: can be true for a lot of people. And there 393 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,119 Speaker 1: are people who say this as a means to avoid 394 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 1: the parts of their lives that have been hard or 395 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,199 Speaker 1: have hurt people, including themselves. There are a lot of 396 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: things in my life that if I could, I would 397 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: go back and do differently. I would. Now that isn't possible. 398 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 1: I mean, I was just talking about how my lawyer said, like, 399 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,399 Speaker 1: we can't go back, so there's no use in dwelling 400 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,119 Speaker 1: on it. Let's look at how how we can do 401 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:41,280 Speaker 1: things differently now. However, if I was given the option 402 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 1: I would occasionally ask for a redo, so it would 403 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: be a lie to stay I have no regrets if 404 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: I was given an option in that situation I was 405 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 1: telling you about with that I had the lawyer for 406 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 1: if I had an option, I would go back and 407 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,399 Speaker 1: redo the thing. Again, I couldn't, so I had to 408 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,800 Speaker 1: make a plan for the now. I'm not gonna lie 409 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 1: to myself and say I didn't regret that I do, 410 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:07,120 Speaker 1: so I'm grateful for the lesson. I learned something about patients, 411 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:12,480 Speaker 1: about like consultations and you know, calming myself down in 412 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,920 Speaker 1: certain situations. I'm grateful for that lesson, and I totally 413 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,120 Speaker 1: wish I didn't have to learn that one. And especially 414 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: in that way, this sentence is so black and white, 415 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 1: like I have no regrets. When I say I have 416 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,359 Speaker 1: no regrets, that means non zero. There are things that 417 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 1: I royally have messed up on that have given me 418 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,240 Speaker 1: a huge gift in the cleanup process. This is important. 419 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,920 Speaker 1: So there's that, and then there's also things that I 420 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,920 Speaker 1: can't gather enough benefit from to make whatever it is 421 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:43,200 Speaker 1: I do dwindle on the regret scale, like there isn't 422 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:49,120 Speaker 1: the benefit didn't outweigh I feel so yeah, some things 423 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,199 Speaker 1: I might be both regretful and grateful for and some 424 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: things I might just be like regretful. The reason I 425 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,919 Speaker 1: added this one to the list and I now I 426 00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 1: said I wouldn't talk about this one a lot, and 427 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 1: I guess I am. But the reason I added this 428 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,680 Speaker 1: one to the list is because often I see people 429 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: using this lie because either pride is getting in the 430 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:12,120 Speaker 1: way or they think they should feel this way, when 431 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,879 Speaker 1: in reality, we can't make ourselves feel in ways we 432 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,240 Speaker 1: don't feel. We can't force our feelings. If we could 433 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,920 Speaker 1: do that, man, that would be awesome, and therapy would 434 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:24,280 Speaker 1: be a whole different situation. What I want people to 435 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,560 Speaker 1: know is it's okay to regret a decision. Sometimes pure 436 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: regret is important to just let us know we don't 437 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,680 Speaker 1: want to do that again. The regret helps us learn 438 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 1: the lesson. If I didn't regret what I did, then 439 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: I would never sit here and process what it is 440 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,960 Speaker 1: that I learned and figure out the lesson. I would 441 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,680 Speaker 1: just keep on going with my life. And the last 442 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: thing I'm I want to say here, I think I've 443 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,760 Speaker 1: said this in not so many words, is that this 444 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:54,280 Speaker 1: lie really and unppeeling the truth from it really hammers 445 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,679 Speaker 1: and on the both and right, having two things that 446 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:01,280 Speaker 1: conflict and don't really make sense sit together, but at 447 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 1: the same time they exist together. I regret this, and 448 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,520 Speaker 1: I'm grateful for the lesson or where it brought me. 449 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,880 Speaker 1: It's confusing, but this is what I meant when therapy 450 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: opens up space for freedom to really feel authentic rather 451 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,159 Speaker 1: than feel what we think is right. And sometimes the 452 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 1: authenticity is confusing because we're just used to doing what 453 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,720 Speaker 1: is right or what we're told, or going with the 454 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,040 Speaker 1: status quo or what the group is doing. And well, oh, 455 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 1: this makes sense to not regret things, So I'm just 456 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,879 Speaker 1: going to not regret things. But like, sometimes things make sense, 457 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,639 Speaker 1: but that's not how we feel. Logic and emotions don't 458 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,040 Speaker 1: always match up, which brings us to the last one 459 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,360 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about today, and that is what 460 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:46,240 Speaker 1: I do doesn't matter. It is impossible for this to 461 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:49,320 Speaker 1: be true because all of our lives are built off 462 00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:51,760 Speaker 1: of the very small decisions we make every day. This 463 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: is also an easy lie to latch onto because as 464 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,439 Speaker 1: much as it feels icky, it can also feel soothing. 465 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: Like some of the other lives we've talked about. If 466 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,399 Speaker 1: I don't matter. Then when I fail, who cares? When 467 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,679 Speaker 1: I embarrass myself? Who cares? When I don't show up 468 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,399 Speaker 1: to the party because I'm too tired to get up 469 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,280 Speaker 1: or too nervous to go alone. No one will care. 470 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 1: So sometimes it feels nice if I don't matter, or 471 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,639 Speaker 1: what I do doesn't matter. I don't really have to 472 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,640 Speaker 1: take risks or do things that I don't want to, 473 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:23,240 Speaker 1: or I don't have to care about risks because nobody cares. 474 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 1: This lie can keep us from trying, and it can 475 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,280 Speaker 1: keep us from dreaming, and it also can just keep 476 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 1: us from operating outside of the current norms. It also 477 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 1: can keep us from a lot of safety that when 478 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,639 Speaker 1: we do think we matter, we take ourselves more seriously, 479 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,919 Speaker 1: and we take the risks that we do choose to 480 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 1: take more seriously. And many of you guys will recognize 481 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 1: this quote I'm about to share because it's one of 482 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 1: my favorites and I feel like I talk about it 483 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,920 Speaker 1: a lot, but it's one by Margaret Mead, and she said, 484 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,639 Speaker 1: never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens 485 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,440 Speaker 1: can change the world. Indeed, they're the only ones that 486 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: ever have. And I think that's so important because truth is, 487 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:05,240 Speaker 1: most big transformations come from the beginnings of tiny, little 488 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:08,399 Speaker 1: baby steps. A couple of people start a movement, it 489 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: takes one person to have an idea that then that 490 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,640 Speaker 1: shares that idea with other people, and then that spreads again. 491 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,960 Speaker 1: Most of our big transformations come from a lot of 492 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,879 Speaker 1: baby steps we take along the way. And this speaks 493 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:24,880 Speaker 1: to transformations within ourselves, to transformations within the greater good, 494 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: policy changes, relationship development, all of the things. And because 495 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,760 Speaker 1: something doesn't feel like it matters now doesn't mean that 496 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,520 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter and won't continue to matter. Just because 497 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,720 Speaker 1: you're a humming bird and not a jackhammer, it doesn't 498 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: mean that you don't have a special or important role 499 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,880 Speaker 1: in the world. And if you didn't catch that reference, 500 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:49,919 Speaker 1: I'm referring to a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that I 501 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 1: actually talked about a long time ago on the podcast 502 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 1: in the episode about passion and curiosity. And in her talk, 503 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,560 Speaker 1: she said, and I'm basically quoting her here, that the 504 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 1: world is divided into two types of people. There are 505 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,680 Speaker 1: the hummingbirds and there are the jackhammers. And Elizabeth said 506 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: that she identifies in the jackhammer category, which is defined 507 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,080 Speaker 1: by her as someone who becomes consumed by their passion. 508 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,960 Speaker 1: And she said, we don't look up, and we don't veer, 509 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,879 Speaker 1: and we're just focused on that until the end of time. 510 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: It's efficient, you get a lot done, but we tend 511 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,040 Speaker 1: to be obsessive and fundamentalists and sometimes a little difficult 512 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,879 Speaker 1: and loud. And then she said, there's the hummingbird, the 513 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,240 Speaker 1: colorful bird that floats around. Hummingbirds spend their lives doing 514 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: it very differently. They move from tree to tree, from 515 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:38,240 Speaker 1: flower to flower, to field to field, trying this and 516 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:42,360 Speaker 1: trying that. She then explained while hummingbirds might feel anxious 517 00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:46,400 Speaker 1: about not immediately finding their passion, that they really don't 518 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: need to feel pressured to change. They create incredibly rich, 519 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,399 Speaker 1: complex lives for themselves, and they also end up cross pollinating. 520 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,359 Speaker 1: This is the service you do if you're a hummingbird person, 521 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: she said. You bring an idea from here to overhear 522 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,719 Speaker 1: where you learn something else, and you weave it in, 523 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 1: and then you take it here to the next thing 524 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,920 Speaker 1: you do. Your perspective ends up keeping the entire culture 525 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:13,560 Speaker 1: aerated and mixed up and open and new. And I 526 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 1: just feel like that's really important to come back to 527 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: continuously just because something doesn't feel big and in like 528 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,359 Speaker 1: you're being paid attention to right now all the time, 529 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,680 Speaker 1: and there's a big splash around what it is that's 530 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,600 Speaker 1: happening in your life. It doesn't mean that things aren't 531 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,399 Speaker 1: happening in your life. The truth is also that sometimes 532 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,639 Speaker 1: what you do won't matter to certain people, but it 533 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,359 Speaker 1: can always matter to you as long as you matter 534 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,800 Speaker 1: to you. And I think that's a huge deal and 535 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,719 Speaker 1: a big step in uncovering this lie. Is it that, 536 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,600 Speaker 1: like what I do doesn't matter to anybody else? Or 537 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,119 Speaker 1: do I not think what I do matters? Because what 538 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,560 Speaker 1: I think can have a huge awakening on how I 539 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,840 Speaker 1: live my life and what I really choose to go 540 00:27:56,880 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: out and do and how people receive me. So that 541 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,000 Speaker 1: wraps up my list for now. I mean, like I said, 542 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 1: this list could go on and on and on for 543 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:07,680 Speaker 1: if I've pages long, But I don't think I could 544 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,040 Speaker 1: hold y'all's attention that long. And I also don't know 545 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 1: that I could hold my attention that long to record 546 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: this in one sitting. However, I do think it would 547 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,439 Speaker 1: be really cool if we could make a collective list together, 548 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,280 Speaker 1: like if we got really introspective and honest and real 549 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 1: with ourselves what would be on our individual lists. And 550 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,199 Speaker 1: I can already think of some more that applies specifically 551 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:28,879 Speaker 1: to me. The first one, as I'm saying this, I 552 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: don't know if I should share this and not, but 553 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 1: I'm going to. Is that popped in my head is 554 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 1: I'm I'm not mad now. Trust me, I can get mad, 555 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,600 Speaker 1: and I can definitely acknowledge that at times, and I 556 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 1: am often very mad when I say that I'm not 557 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 1: mad because I don't want to be mad. I want 558 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,600 Speaker 1: some other emotion to be like the main emotion that's 559 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,120 Speaker 1: like flooding me. I don't want to care in the 560 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:51,440 Speaker 1: way that I do care. I want to care in 561 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: like a better way, if that makes any sense. So, yeah, 562 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,600 Speaker 1: that's a lie that I tell myself, and sometimes I 563 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 1: try to convince myself of that and doesn't. Again doesn't 564 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,880 Speaker 1: not usually in the long run work that well. There's 565 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,960 Speaker 1: some repercussion there because it is what it is. I 566 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 1: feel what I feel. I can't control my feelings. I 567 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: can't respond to them, I cannot control them, and what 568 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaker 1: I want to kind of share as I'm wrapping up 569 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: the lies we tell ourselves often lie in the space 570 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: of our like super ego. I talked about this in 571 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: the Defense Mechanism episode. But the super ego comes to 572 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: be from like social interactions with parents and the people 573 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:31,120 Speaker 1: in whatever social environment you're raised in. It's essentially like 574 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,479 Speaker 1: your conscience, but it's based off of what you're taught 575 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 1: is appropriate, and then that ends up acting like your 576 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:41,720 Speaker 1: moral compass. It's like m O is to get the ego, 577 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:46,160 Speaker 1: which is the self that people see, like who other 578 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,480 Speaker 1: people see you, how you present yourself to the world. 579 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 1: So the m O of a super ego is to 580 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 1: get that the person you present to the world to 581 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: act in this very idealistic way. And this part is 582 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 1: like the summation of all your internalized values and morals 583 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,480 Speaker 1: that you get from things before you really have the 584 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:08,840 Speaker 1: ability to self reflect and really be introspective and see 585 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:13,480 Speaker 1: multiple different ways of living and viewing the world. And 586 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,400 Speaker 1: I think these like lives we tell ourselves, our lives 587 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 1: that we're using to protect the thing that we want 588 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,920 Speaker 1: others to see, and how we want to see ourselves 589 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,240 Speaker 1: as well. Like I was just saying with the I'm 590 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 1: not mad, I want to see myself as somebody who 591 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,840 Speaker 1: feels these things. When this stuff happens versus no, I 592 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 1: just was piste off and I want other people to 593 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 1: see me that way as well. We tell these lives 594 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: and also these can be narratives as well. You can 595 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:42,280 Speaker 1: use that word to these false narratives um to maintain 596 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,640 Speaker 1: what it is we desire to be and look like 597 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:49,160 Speaker 1: and feel and do versus what we are. And true 598 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:53,720 Speaker 1: reconciliation is in the space between what we desire to 599 00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 1: be in what we are like. There has to be 600 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 1: a reconciliation between those two things for us to kind 601 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:01,120 Speaker 1: of like move out of these lies and really accept 602 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,280 Speaker 1: the truth of what's going on. So now I do 603 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: I want to ask y'all, after listening to this what 604 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:08,880 Speaker 1: it lies that you tell often? Are are they the 605 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 1: ones from this list? Are they want more that you 606 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,960 Speaker 1: want to explore? And if you can think of them 607 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,800 Speaker 1: and feel comfortable sharing them, go ahead. You can email 608 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 1: me Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com and 609 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,320 Speaker 1: maybe we'll do a part two with some more collective 610 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,360 Speaker 1: lives from our community, because we're in this together and 611 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,520 Speaker 1: we all do this. This isn't something that like bad 612 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:33,320 Speaker 1: people do or like people that haven't done enough work do, 613 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,760 Speaker 1: Like I go to therapy. Have gone to therapy for 614 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,480 Speaker 1: years and the therapist and I can still catch myself 615 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,680 Speaker 1: telling lies to myself. So if you want to share, share, 616 00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:43,760 Speaker 1: I would love that. That's going to do it for me. 617 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:46,560 Speaker 1: If you want to follow me on Instagram, you can 618 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: at cat dot de fata and if you want to 619 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:52,680 Speaker 1: follow the podcast, you can follow at You Need Therapy Podcast. 620 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,040 Speaker 1: I hope you have the day you need to have. 621 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:58,160 Speaker 1: I hope you have the week you need to have 622 00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:00,480 Speaker 1: all of the things and I we'll talk to you 623 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:10,640 Speaker 1: guys this week on Wednesday for Couchtop's Bye h