WEBVTT - Why You Are Restricting Your Desires in Your Relationship & How to Stop Blocking Yourself from the Happiness You Deserve with Lisa Bilyeu

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<v Speaker 1>It's imperative when you get into a relationship before you

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<v Speaker 1>commit who leads and who follows. Think about in dancing,

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<v Speaker 1>you can't have two leaders. You just can't think about

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<v Speaker 1>running a company. You can't have two CEOs. You have

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<v Speaker 1>to have that moment of who is leading and who

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<v Speaker 1>is following.

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<v Speaker 1>Jay Shed Jay Sheddy Only Shed.

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<v Speaker 3>Everyone.

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome back to on Purpose, the place you come to

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<v Speaker 2>become a happier, healthier and more healed. Thanks for tuning

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<v Speaker 2>in again. I'm so grateful. Whether you're watching this live,

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<v Speaker 2>whether you're listening to me, I appreciate you deeply today's guest.

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<v Speaker 2>I believe this is her third time on the show,

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<v Speaker 2>which is epic. It's because she's one of my favorite

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<v Speaker 2>people offline and I love these online transitions and conversations

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<v Speaker 2>with her. I'm speaking about Lisa Billu, an entrepreneur, producer,

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<v Speaker 2>best selling author, public speaker, and host. Lisa co founded

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<v Speaker 2>the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition and his co founder

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<v Speaker 2>and president of Impact Theory Studios. Lisa built a global

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<v Speaker 2>audience while creating an impressive state of content that has

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<v Speaker 2>been viewed over half a billion times. This includes Lisa's

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<v Speaker 2>hit digital series Women of Impact, a show that features

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<v Speaker 2>extraordinary guests who, through their stories and expertise, help viewers

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<v Speaker 2>build their confidence. I've been lucky enough to be a

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<v Speaker 2>guest on the show. Lisa is one of my dear friends,

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm so excited to announce that her book is

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<v Speaker 2>out in paperback right now, Radical Confidence. It includes a

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<v Speaker 2>brand new chapter. So if you want eleven lessons on

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<v Speaker 2>how to get the relationship, career and life you want,

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<v Speaker 2>this is the book to grab. If you didn't grab

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<v Speaker 2>the first time, now's the time to grab it. It's

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<v Speaker 2>cheaper too, because it's in paperback. Welcome to the show

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<v Speaker 2>Lisa BILLYO Lisa, so good to see it.

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<v Speaker 1>Jay my brother from another mother.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, I love it, I love it.

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<v Speaker 4>It's always good. You know.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like you walked in and we were already having

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<v Speaker 2>an amazing conversation and then we were like, oh wait, wait,

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<v Speaker 2>wait wait, let's let's let's start the real podcast. Lisa,

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<v Speaker 2>I think confidence is such a important and powerful topic.

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<v Speaker 2>I wanted to ask you because I think there's so

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<v Speaker 2>much material and you do so many interviews around confidence

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<v Speaker 2>and what it means and what it feels like. How

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<v Speaker 2>do you define confidence for you and what does it

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<v Speaker 2>mean to you? And what is something that people can

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<v Speaker 2>think of because I think everyone has a different view

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<v Speaker 2>of the word confidence.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>I think most people actually have the misinterpretation of all

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<v Speaker 1>confidence actually is because they usually and I was culprit

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<v Speaker 1>of this when I was a stay at home WiFi

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<v Speaker 1>eight years. I thought I needed it to get started,

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<v Speaker 1>and I thought I needed the confidence to live out

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<v Speaker 1>my dreams, to actually go towards my goals. And I

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<v Speaker 1>was waiting to have the confidence, and that I think

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<v Speaker 1>is a complete misconception. Is what actually is holding so

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<v Speaker 1>many of us back from trying anything and what I

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<v Speaker 1>realized was in my own journey, I actually just need

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<v Speaker 1>to take action. I needed to go into something very insecure,

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<v Speaker 1>not knowing what I was doing. Practice and practice and practicing,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, wax on, whax off my favorite movie Karate Kid,

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<v Speaker 1>and get so damn good that I build the competence

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<v Speaker 1>to then lead to confidence. So the truth is the

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<v Speaker 1>confidence is the byproduct of taking action, and a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of us don't think of it like that. We think

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<v Speaker 1>it's going to be the magic bullet that's going to

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<v Speaker 1>get us to actually take that action at the beginning.

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<v Speaker 1>And so that's where I actually reshaped and how I

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<v Speaker 1>rethought of the word confidence. And then also for me,

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<v Speaker 1>confidence is like an If you don't keep practicing it,

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<v Speaker 1>you won't actually get strong at it. And if you

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<v Speaker 1>stop practicing, you will get weaker. And just like when

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<v Speaker 1>you go to the gym, you may practice like your

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<v Speaker 1>biceps or your legs. It's a different mechanism to practice

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<v Speaker 1>working your calves than practice in your bicep. So that

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<v Speaker 1>is what confidence is. It's not you get confidence in

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<v Speaker 1>one area and you're good to go. It's like you

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<v Speaker 1>get confidence maybe being in front of the camera, but

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<v Speaker 1>being in front of the camera. As you know, jay

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<v Speaker 1>is very different than being on stage. So when someone

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<v Speaker 1>sees maybe you've got confidence in one area, it doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>mean that you've got confidence everywhere else. And I think people,

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<v Speaker 1>if it's you and you're thinking about it, you may

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<v Speaker 1>then think that you're incompetent, or you're no good, or

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<v Speaker 1>like it's just well, I don't have the gene, so

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<v Speaker 1>I may as well not get started. But the truth is,

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<v Speaker 1>identify where you can't want the confidence, get started, build

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<v Speaker 1>that competence, and then eventually it will breed confidence.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 4>Absolutely, I can agree with you more.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember once looking at the definition of confidence in

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<v Speaker 2>the dictionary, and one of the definitions is an appreciation

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<v Speaker 2>of one's own abilities, skills, and qualities. I really like

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<v Speaker 2>that definition, like it's actually self validation. The confidence is

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<v Speaker 2>being able to look at yourself and say, I'm good

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<v Speaker 2>at this. I'm actually a kind person, I'm a thoughtful person,

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<v Speaker 2>I am a good public speaker, I am a best

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<v Speaker 2>selling author, whatever it may be. And you're almost validating

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<v Speaker 2>a skill, quality, or attribute you have by yourself. And

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's so interesting, and you're right. I think

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<v Speaker 2>we've viewed confidences how do other people feel about us?

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<v Speaker 2>So we look at it as like, oh, that person

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<v Speaker 2>looks so confident because they're like walking out their car,

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<v Speaker 2>they got that swag, they're like dripping in great clothes

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<v Speaker 2>or whatever it may be. And we see that as confidence.

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<v Speaker 2>But we know that that person could be sitting in

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<v Speaker 2>there going, oh, I'm not the right size, I'm overweight, underweight,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm whatever else it may be, criticizing themselves.

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<v Speaker 4>I was wondering, what.

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<v Speaker 2>Is something that took you the longest in your life

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<v Speaker 2>to build confidence around?

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<v Speaker 1>Ooh, I'm ever evolving. But I think it really was

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<v Speaker 1>to believe in myself that I'm capable. And that all

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<v Speaker 1>started from because I was a stay at home wife

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<v Speaker 1>for eight years. And I want to just make sure

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<v Speaker 1>that I say this though there's nothing wrong with being

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<v Speaker 1>a stay home wife at all. It's actually one of

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<v Speaker 1>the hardest jobs that was for me, but I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>want it. That actually wasn't my dream. It was I

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<v Speaker 1>felt like it was sucking the life out of me.

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<v Speaker 1>So as that staying home wife, I didn't make any

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<v Speaker 1>change because I didn't feel like I was capable of anything.

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<v Speaker 1>Because I was so insecure that voice in my head

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<v Speaker 1>was so negative, Jay telling me all the reasons why

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<v Speaker 1>I was no good to try anything, and so in

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<v Speaker 1>order for me to build my confidence to move forward,

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, well, what if I am bad? Who cares?

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<v Speaker 1>You have to actually practice? Why do I think that

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<v Speaker 1>I can be amazing at something?

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<v Speaker 2>Right?

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<v Speaker 1>If someone looks at you and they're like, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>he's such an amazing podcaster, You've been doing it years

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<v Speaker 1>and years and years and years. So when someone looks

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<v Speaker 1>at you and let's say they're comparing their beginning to

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<v Speaker 1>your middle or your end, you will feel incompetent. And

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<v Speaker 1>so for me, I had to stop looking outside of

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<v Speaker 1>myself at all the amazing people because I believed I

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't good enough to try, And so I had to

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<v Speaker 1>build the internal confidence to take that action, to actually

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<v Speaker 1>just try and understand that it's going to be a process.

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<v Speaker 1>And without that, I never would have got out of

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<v Speaker 1>what I call purgatory of the mundane, when my life

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<v Speaker 1>is just mundane enough and so I'm just stuck there

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<v Speaker 1>day in and day out. And that idea that even

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<v Speaker 1>if you don't feel good enough, you can still take action,

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<v Speaker 1>I think was the biggest thing that was the hardest

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<v Speaker 1>for me because I didn't want to get bullied. I

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<v Speaker 1>was already bullied as a kid for my looks from

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<v Speaker 1>other women, So you can imagine me trying anything. That

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<v Speaker 1>fear of being bullied from other girls was so petrifying

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<v Speaker 1>that I didn't even want to take a chance, and

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<v Speaker 1>so realizing A have to build that within myself. And

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<v Speaker 1>you said the word validate actually earlier. That word really

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<v Speaker 1>sticks with me with me because I think a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of us wait for validation external validation. We wait for

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<v Speaker 1>someone to tell us that we're a good Greek wife

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<v Speaker 1>or an amazing husband or a fantastic wife, and that

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<v Speaker 1>can actually hold us where we are because I was

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<v Speaker 1>so seeking validation from everybody else, and at the time,

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<v Speaker 1>I was getting validation from being that stay at home wife,

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<v Speaker 1>And so you can imagine I have low self esteem.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm good enough,

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<v Speaker 1>and everyone's validating me for this one thing, even though

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like that one thing. That validation, that feeling

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<v Speaker 1>good about yourself is what kept me there. So I

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<v Speaker 1>think the trick is is how do you make sure

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<v Speaker 1>that you validate yourself? And that became the path for

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<v Speaker 1>me building my confidence every single day. What am I

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<v Speaker 1>going to do today to validate myself? Not get validation

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<v Speaker 1>from my partner, from my boyfriend from the exit? How

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<v Speaker 1>many likes I got on Instagram? No, no, how can

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<v Speaker 1>I validate myself? And that became my north star versus

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<v Speaker 1>everyone else making me feel good about myself.

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, I mean, how did you get the courage to

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<v Speaker 2>admit to yourself that you weren't happy in that moment?

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<v Speaker 2>Because I feel like a lot of people, friends that

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<v Speaker 2>I know people have in my life will kind of

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<v Speaker 2>tell themselves the story and we have to because you

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<v Speaker 2>have to survive and you need a coping mechanism, and

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<v Speaker 2>we'll just be like, no, I'm all right, I'm okay, Nah,

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<v Speaker 2>you know this is life, Like it's all right, this

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<v Speaker 2>is my you know, this is my lot in life,

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<v Speaker 2>and this is what I have to do, and this

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<v Speaker 2>is just how it is. And we say these things

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<v Speaker 2>because we're scared of what maybe on the other side

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<v Speaker 2>of admitting to ourselves that actually where I am is

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<v Speaker 2>not where I want to be, and we kind of

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<v Speaker 2>supplement it with, oh, everyone thinks I'm doing all right,

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<v Speaker 2>so of course I can't be doing that badly. How

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<v Speaker 2>do you kind of get the courage to say, you

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<v Speaker 2>know what, I don't want this life, because I think

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<v Speaker 2>that statement requires a lot of courage, And I know

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<v Speaker 2>I was scared to admit it to myself. When I

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<v Speaker 2>was I'd already left the monastery. I was in a

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<v Speaker 2>corporate job. It was safe, it was stable, it was sturdy.

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<v Speaker 2>Career progression was obvious, and here I was going. And

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<v Speaker 2>by the way, I was so scared I would never

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<v Speaker 2>get a job after leaving the monastery. So even having

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<v Speaker 2>a job, I was very grateful because no one would

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<v Speaker 2>give me one. So now for me to be like, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>I need to break this away and everyone's like, wait

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<v Speaker 2>a minute, you're lucky to have a job.

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<v Speaker 4>Bro, you didn't work for three years.

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<v Speaker 2>So how did you get the courage to admit to

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<v Speaker 2>yourself I'm not happy here?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>So I love this question because it's such a small

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<v Speaker 1>dripping effect, and I liken it to water dripping on

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<v Speaker 1>a stone. A couple of jobs, not a big deal.

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<v Speaker 1>Over time you do that year after year after year,

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<v Speaker 1>what happens to that rock? It actually starts to change

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<v Speaker 1>its shape. And that's what I started to realize. Me

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<v Speaker 1>ignoring my happiness, ignoring what I actually wanted, started to

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<v Speaker 1>change the shape of how I saw myself. And after

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<v Speaker 1>eight years, I didn't look like what was looking back

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<v Speaker 1>at me in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself because

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<v Speaker 1>I wasn't speaking up, I wasn't having my voice. And

0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:04.800
<v Speaker 1>so there were a couple of things that I realized

0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:08.160
<v Speaker 1>that really became like the straw that broke the camel's back,

0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:11.400
<v Speaker 1>if you will. One of them was I was using gratitude,

0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:13.400
<v Speaker 1>which I love. Right, It's like, be grateful for the

0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:15.160
<v Speaker 1>things you have because there are other people out that

0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:17.719
<v Speaker 1>don't have that. So the first couple of years from

0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:21.360
<v Speaker 1>in my marriage, I was using gratitude, even though I

0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:23.120
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to be the state at home wife. Now

0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:26.080
<v Speaker 1>that looked like, my God, I don't like being a

0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:28.840
<v Speaker 1>state I don't like cooking and cleaning. But actually, I'm

0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:31.559
<v Speaker 1>so grateful I have a husband that loves me. My God,

0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:34.199
<v Speaker 1>the amount of people that don't have that healthy relationship.

0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:36.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful I've got a roof

0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:39.120
<v Speaker 1>over my head. I'm so grateful. Filling the blank and

0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:43.319
<v Speaker 1>that was wonderful become year four year five year, six

0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.640
<v Speaker 1>year seven, that gratitude started to really turn its head

0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:50.400
<v Speaker 1>into almost toxic gratitude, which every time that voice that

0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:54.240
<v Speaker 1>was speaking, are you happy, Lisa, like you don't seem happy?

0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:56.960
<v Speaker 1>I would use the gratitude to shut her down. And

0:11:57.040 --> 0:12:00.920
<v Speaker 1>that looked like, how ungratefully you? How ungratefully are you

0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.520
<v Speaker 1>that you want something else when you've got a husband

0:12:03.559 --> 0:12:06.079
<v Speaker 1>that loves you. How ungratefully you, Lisa? You want to

0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:07.880
<v Speaker 1>go out in the workforce when you don't have to.

0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:11.720
<v Speaker 1>So that voice, that gratitude started to come really toxic,

0:12:12.320 --> 0:12:16.520
<v Speaker 1>and so identifying that allowing the voice in my head

0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:20.640
<v Speaker 1>to just turn up the volume, allow her to actually speak.

0:12:21.040 --> 0:12:23.720
<v Speaker 1>Because we've been taught, especially for me growing up Greek

0:12:23.840 --> 0:12:26.840
<v Speaker 1>orthodox is you live in service of everybody else. You

0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:30.280
<v Speaker 1>live in service of the family, the husband, the kids,

0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:35.160
<v Speaker 1>and so you put yourself last. And I started to realize,

0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.920
<v Speaker 1>this voice is getting louder. What happens if I actually

0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:41.120
<v Speaker 1>start to listen to her? What does that look like?

0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:45.240
<v Speaker 1>Because I'm such a self ownership person, and so if

0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:47.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm unhappy, what am I going to do about it?

0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:50.520
<v Speaker 1>What choices am I going to make different that's going

0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:52.959
<v Speaker 1>to lead me to a different outcome, and I started

0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:55.600
<v Speaker 1>to realize it was all on me. I hadn't spoken

0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:57.760
<v Speaker 1>up and told tom my husband that I was unhappy.

0:12:58.320 --> 0:13:02.839
<v Speaker 1>So let's just address step one. Acknowledge Lisa, you're unhappy

0:13:03.080 --> 0:13:07.160
<v Speaker 1>without shame and guilt. Acknowledge it to myself. That was

0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:10.520
<v Speaker 1>step one. Then acknowledge it to my husband. I love

0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:13.080
<v Speaker 1>you more than life it's self, babe, but I don't

0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:14.720
<v Speaker 1>want to cook for you and clean for you anymore.

0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:20.560
<v Speaker 1>Voicing that having the strength the courage you said that earlier,

0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:22.920
<v Speaker 1>having the courage to really own where you are instead

0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.880
<v Speaker 1>of sitting in the shame was a massive thing. And

0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:28.520
<v Speaker 1>then the final thing is just project your life out.

0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:30.840
<v Speaker 1>What does it look like if you don't make a

0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:33.760
<v Speaker 1>change in a year, in five years, and ten years

0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:36.160
<v Speaker 1>and twenty years. And the truth is I would have

0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:38.480
<v Speaker 1>been doing the same thing. I would have then slipped

0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:41.480
<v Speaker 1>into being a mother. I would because that's what my

0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:43.560
<v Speaker 1>culture told me. And then I would have slipped into

0:13:43.600 --> 0:13:46.880
<v Speaker 1>given over to the children and the husband. And in

0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:49.280
<v Speaker 1>ten twenty years, I'm exactly where I am, just on

0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:52.640
<v Speaker 1>a different scale. And those elements were the things that

0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:55.679
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, oh will no one's coming to save you.

0:13:55.960 --> 0:13:57.880
<v Speaker 1>No one's going to come and change your life for you.

0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:00.800
<v Speaker 1>So what am I going to do now to make

0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:01.480
<v Speaker 1>that change?

0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:04.680
<v Speaker 2>That resonates so deeply? And I love that you brought

0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:08.520
<v Speaker 2>up that toxic gratitude point because it's so interesting how

0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:14.240
<v Speaker 2>we somehow deep down believe we deserve so little, right like,

0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:17.600
<v Speaker 2>and whether it's conditioning where we grew up, there's there's

0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:19.520
<v Speaker 2>a sense inside of us. And by the way I

0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:21.760
<v Speaker 2>can relate to all of that, we grew up in

0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:23.320
<v Speaker 2>the same area. We've talked about this before.

0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.240
<v Speaker 1>I block away from me literally.

0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:30.400
<v Speaker 2>And you know, I kind of like when people ask

0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.400
<v Speaker 2>me now, like, you know, how does it feel? And everything,

0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:36.800
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, I actually never in a million years believed

0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:40.560
<v Speaker 2>that any of this would ever be possible, or even

0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:41.920
<v Speaker 2>that I even had a dream for it.

0:14:41.920 --> 0:14:43.400
<v Speaker 4>I don't even think I dreamed this big.

0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:46.960
<v Speaker 2>And there was a part of me that just was

0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:50.320
<v Speaker 2>okay with whatever would have come and whatever would have

0:14:50.360 --> 0:14:54.040
<v Speaker 2>been and what everyone around me was doing. And now

0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:57.440
<v Speaker 2>I see that that was because somewhere deep inside of myself,

0:14:57.480 --> 0:15:02.520
<v Speaker 2>I was hampering my potential. I was restricting my desire

0:15:02.640 --> 0:15:05.840
<v Speaker 2>because it's almost like you're so scared that it may

0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:09.320
<v Speaker 2>never happen that you'd rather not allow the possibility.

0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:10.280
<v Speaker 4>Does that make sense?

0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:13.720
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, the fear of failure is actually or failing is

0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:15.440
<v Speaker 1>actually worse than the fear of failing. So you're like,

0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:18.080
<v Speaker 1>wells were sitting the fear of failing, the actually fail

0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:19.160
<v Speaker 1>and have everyone see it.

0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:20.120
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, exactly.

0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:22.320
<v Speaker 3>Hey everyone, it's Jay here.

0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:25.400
<v Speaker 2>My wife and I have had so much fun creating

0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:28.760
<v Speaker 2>our own sparkling tea Juni, and I've got big news

0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:31.920
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0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:34.760
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0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:38.640
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0:15:38.680 --> 0:15:42.400
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0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:45.600
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0:15:45.680 --> 0:15:48.960
<v Speaker 2>fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, It's been our

0:15:49.000 --> 0:15:52.320
<v Speaker 2>purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, which is

0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:55.360
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0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:58.560
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0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:00.240
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0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.440
<v Speaker 4>So for you, what was that? Like?

0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:08.360
<v Speaker 2>Like, I guess how have you dealt with that? Like

0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:10.400
<v Speaker 2>you've been on both ends now, Like you've been in

0:16:10.440 --> 0:16:13.520
<v Speaker 2>a place where you didn't even feel like you were

0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:18.360
<v Speaker 2>allowed to deserve a different life. You've now built one

0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:22.640
<v Speaker 2>of the most successful companies. You've built another incredible media company,

0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:25.520
<v Speaker 2>Like you know, it's you've now seen the other end.

0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.840
<v Speaker 2>How is your belief system changed around what you deserve

0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:30.760
<v Speaker 2>and what's possible?

0:16:31.080 --> 0:16:33.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think it starts with frame of reference. So

0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:36.840
<v Speaker 1>people don't actually realize that they have a frame of reference.

0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:38.960
<v Speaker 1>And just to kind of explain, frame of reference is

0:16:39.000 --> 0:16:40.680
<v Speaker 1>just the way you see the world, the way you

0:16:40.720 --> 0:16:43.320
<v Speaker 1>think it ought to be, not the way it necessarily is.

0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:44.960
<v Speaker 1>And so my frame of reference is going to be

0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:48.040
<v Speaker 1>very different than your frame of reference. And so take,

0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:50.360
<v Speaker 1>for instance, the very first time I introduced Tom to

0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:53.320
<v Speaker 1>my family. So I've got very big, loud Greek family,

0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:56.480
<v Speaker 1>and everyone talks over each other. Everyone's yells at each other,

0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.560
<v Speaker 1>and so Tom comes and meets them, and that's the

0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:02.000
<v Speaker 1>family everyone's yelling, and so we leave and I'm like,

0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:04.240
<v Speaker 1>oh my god, they clearly loved him, because they're clearly

0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:06.920
<v Speaker 1>very comfortable around him. So I can't wait to hear

0:17:06.920 --> 0:17:08.679
<v Speaker 1>how much he loves my family. So we get in

0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:10.679
<v Speaker 1>the calm, like, Babe, what do you think and he's like,

0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:14.919
<v Speaker 1>they were so disrespectful, and I was like what, And

0:17:14.920 --> 0:17:17.800
<v Speaker 1>he's like, I can't believe, Lisa, Everyone's just screaming and

0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:19.760
<v Speaker 1>yelling at each other. They asked me a question. They

0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:23.240
<v Speaker 1>don't listen. Frame of reference. My frame of reference. When

0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:26.080
<v Speaker 1>someone yells and screams like in a happy way, it's

0:17:26.119 --> 0:17:30.439
<v Speaker 1>actually a sign of greeting you, being comfortable around you.

0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:33.439
<v Speaker 1>But Tom's frame of reference is when someone's yelling, it

0:17:33.520 --> 0:17:36.359
<v Speaker 1>means disrespect. So that just gives an example of what

0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.600
<v Speaker 1>frame of reference means. So you don't actually question your

0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:43.000
<v Speaker 1>frame of reference. And I think that was the massive thing.

0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:46.320
<v Speaker 1>Is I still right now to this day, will now

0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:48.680
<v Speaker 1>every day question my frame of reference on the way

0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:51.320
<v Speaker 1>that I see things because maybe I'm missing something. So

0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.400
<v Speaker 1>being the stay at home wife, my frame of reference was, well,

0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:57.919
<v Speaker 1>this is what a woman does. You're going to have children,

0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:00.600
<v Speaker 1>you will get married. It didn't even dawn on me,

0:18:00.680 --> 0:18:04.040
<v Speaker 1>Jay that I could question whether I want kids or not.

0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:08.240
<v Speaker 1>It didn't dawn on me. And so going from that

0:18:08.480 --> 0:18:11.200
<v Speaker 1>to where I am now is because I literally will

0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.959
<v Speaker 1>question my frame of reference every day because it's your

0:18:13.960 --> 0:18:15.720
<v Speaker 1>frame of reference that gets in the way of you

0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:19.040
<v Speaker 1>having the dream. How many people say I can't. I

0:18:19.080 --> 0:18:22.400
<v Speaker 1>remember once I was coaching somebody and they were saying

0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:25.440
<v Speaker 1>about how they're building this business. And this woman she's

0:18:25.440 --> 0:18:27.360
<v Speaker 1>just had a baby, and she freaking loves that she's

0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:30.280
<v Speaker 1>building this business. She feels so good about herself and

0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:33.320
<v Speaker 1>her dad. Every day wouold has a key comes in

0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:35.560
<v Speaker 1>her house and would sit down at dinner and basically

0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:37.919
<v Speaker 1>say that she was a neglectful mother. And she's like,

0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:40.560
<v Speaker 1>I don't know what to do, Lisa, And I said, Okay, well,

0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:44.000
<v Speaker 1>he's got a key to your house. Either tell your

0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:46.639
<v Speaker 1>dad that he has to be per set boundaries or

0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:48.480
<v Speaker 1>he doesn't get the key to your house. She's like,

0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:51.080
<v Speaker 1>I can't do that. I'm like, yes, you can, you

0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:53.879
<v Speaker 1>just don't want to. Your frame of reference may be

0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:57.000
<v Speaker 1>that I'm a terrible daughter if I take the keys

0:18:57.040 --> 0:19:00.000
<v Speaker 1>away from my dad, But how is it serving you?

0:19:00.240 --> 0:19:02.399
<v Speaker 1>And so that I think was the massive thing that

0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:05.800
<v Speaker 1>I realized that I had a frame of reference about life,

0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:08.640
<v Speaker 1>belief system, whatever you want to call it, and sometimes

0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:11.000
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't serve my dreams, my goals and where I

0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:15.960
<v Speaker 1>want to go. And so having the self awareness to

0:19:16.119 --> 0:19:18.520
<v Speaker 1>ask myself, where am I where do I want to go?

0:19:18.920 --> 0:19:21.200
<v Speaker 1>How am I going to get there? And what belief

0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:23.680
<v Speaker 1>system do I have that's either going to propel me

0:19:23.800 --> 0:19:25.160
<v Speaker 1>forward or hold me back?

0:19:26.320 --> 0:19:27.280
<v Speaker 4>What did you do in this?

0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:30.600
<v Speaker 2>I think another thing that and I know a lot

0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:34.479
<v Speaker 2>of women, especially struggle with this. What did you and

0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:38.040
<v Speaker 2>Tom done before the point that you could actually have

0:19:38.160 --> 0:19:41.720
<v Speaker 2>the courage and confidence to go and say to him,

0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:44.000
<v Speaker 2>I love you, but I don't want to cook and

0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:48.159
<v Speaker 2>clean anymore? Because to me, that kind of a transition

0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:51.840
<v Speaker 2>in most marriages or long term relationships, it could look

0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:57.120
<v Speaker 2>like I love you, I don't want to live here anymore,

0:19:57.240 --> 0:20:01.560
<v Speaker 2>I love you, I don't like this thing that you do.

0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:04.560
<v Speaker 2>I love you, but whatever, right?

0:20:04.600 --> 0:20:05.320
<v Speaker 4>Fill in the blank.

0:20:06.040 --> 0:20:08.560
<v Speaker 2>What had you and Tom done before that you felt

0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:12.000
<v Speaker 2>confident enough to say that that you knew it would land?

0:20:12.680 --> 0:20:14.440
<v Speaker 2>Or did you actually take a risk and you didn't

0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:16.879
<v Speaker 2>know at that point whether he'd react positively or negative?

0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:19.439
<v Speaker 2>Obviously now you've been together and all the rest of it,

0:20:19.520 --> 0:20:22.000
<v Speaker 2>But in that moment, did you know that he would

0:20:22.000 --> 0:20:23.880
<v Speaker 2>react well to it? Or did you take a risk

0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:25.080
<v Speaker 2>because it was so true to you?

0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:27.480
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, everything's a risk. You never how many times have

0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:29.320
<v Speaker 1>you spoken to someone you're like, I know exactly what

0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:31.080
<v Speaker 1>the hearse is going to be, and then like, oh,

0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:32.879
<v Speaker 1>you go to RADI right, and you're like all right,

0:20:33.160 --> 0:20:35.040
<v Speaker 1>and then she gives you a completely different response than

0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:37.119
<v Speaker 1>you ever expected. But you still know him for so

0:20:37.160 --> 0:20:40.440
<v Speaker 1>many years. So I didn't and there's never a guarantee.

0:20:40.480 --> 0:20:42.640
<v Speaker 1>But really I went into it going, Okay, how would

0:20:42.640 --> 0:20:44.800
<v Speaker 1>I want him to talk to me about this? Because

0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:47.280
<v Speaker 1>here's the thing. I need to be very self aware

0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:50.040
<v Speaker 1>that I'm about to make his life more difficult. So,

0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:51.840
<v Speaker 1>just to paint the picture, he would wake up, his

0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:54.879
<v Speaker 1>clothes were next to him, literally by his bedjay he

0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:56.480
<v Speaker 1>would put them on. He would go to the gym,

0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:58.960
<v Speaker 1>he'd come back his work clothes already, he'd get changed.

0:20:58.960 --> 0:21:01.080
<v Speaker 1>I would hand him lunch to take to work so

0:21:01.160 --> 0:21:03.959
<v Speaker 1>he didn't have to do anything in the house. So

0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:06.760
<v Speaker 1>I knew I can't pretend that his life isn't going

0:21:06.800 --> 0:21:09.200
<v Speaker 1>to be worse. It is. I'm making his life more difficult,

0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:12.359
<v Speaker 1>so a have give him the grace that of course

0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:14.760
<v Speaker 1>he's going to have an opinion. Of course it's actually

0:21:14.760 --> 0:21:16.280
<v Speaker 1>going to make his life more difficult.

0:21:16.480 --> 0:21:19.399
<v Speaker 3>So give him even though it's unfair.

0:21:19.000 --> 0:21:20.040
<v Speaker 1>Exactly for you.

0:21:20.200 --> 0:21:23.480
<v Speaker 2>Yes, you still are being empathetic and giving grace.

0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:26.040
<v Speaker 1>Of course, and even with the unfair though I agree

0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:28.840
<v Speaker 1>to it, it wasn't like he was like forcing me

0:21:28.960 --> 0:21:31.240
<v Speaker 1>to do it. So that's another thing I said, Yes,

0:21:31.680 --> 0:21:34.800
<v Speaker 1>I also chose that life, so I had to take

0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:38.240
<v Speaker 1>ownership over. I chose this as well. He didn't force

0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:40.359
<v Speaker 1>me to. But now I want to make a change,

0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:42.240
<v Speaker 1>So how do I do it? So giving him the

0:21:42.240 --> 0:21:43.959
<v Speaker 1>grace that of course is going to have a feeling,

0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:48.480
<v Speaker 1>and then understanding the idea of grief. Grief is where

0:21:48.520 --> 0:21:51.680
<v Speaker 1>you have to let go of something, someone, something that

0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:55.320
<v Speaker 1>you didn't expect. And so he had an idea of

0:21:55.480 --> 0:21:58.280
<v Speaker 1>the wife that I was because I had painted that

0:21:58.400 --> 0:22:02.320
<v Speaker 1>idea for eight years. So I know he's going to

0:22:02.359 --> 0:22:05.520
<v Speaker 1>have to grieve the wife that I was. So giving

0:22:05.560 --> 0:22:09.479
<v Speaker 1>him the space to grieve is super important. And then

0:22:09.520 --> 0:22:11.520
<v Speaker 1>the last thing is almost like to say, by like

0:22:11.520 --> 0:22:14.400
<v Speaker 1>a drug addicts, where you like wean them off. I

0:22:14.440 --> 0:22:19.080
<v Speaker 1>was like, he's addicted in some way or habitual to

0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:21.239
<v Speaker 1>the fact that I would do this every day, and

0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:24.639
<v Speaker 1>just like any habit, you cannot change that overnight. And

0:22:24.720 --> 0:22:26.879
<v Speaker 1>so what I said to him is, look, here's a

0:22:26.920 --> 0:22:30.840
<v Speaker 1>game plan. Maybe this will help. What if next week

0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:32.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm just going to cook and clean for you six

0:22:32.560 --> 0:22:34.600
<v Speaker 1>days a week, and then the week after that, I'm

0:22:34.600 --> 0:22:36.840
<v Speaker 1>going to do five days, four days, three days. Right,

0:22:37.040 --> 0:22:40.000
<v Speaker 1>And so what that did was show him I was

0:22:40.040 --> 0:22:43.840
<v Speaker 1>willing to work with him on the transition. And then

0:22:43.880 --> 0:22:49.080
<v Speaker 1>the final piece is letting him know I'm not happy, babe,

0:22:49.119 --> 0:22:53.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm profoundly unhappy. This isn't your fault. This is because

0:22:53.560 --> 0:22:57.000
<v Speaker 1>I made decisions, but now I need your help. Right,

0:22:57.040 --> 0:22:58.719
<v Speaker 1>So I'm asking him to be a part of this

0:22:59.200 --> 0:23:01.640
<v Speaker 1>and need your help because I'm not happy. I don't

0:23:01.640 --> 0:23:04.080
<v Speaker 1>think I can do it alone. Now as my husband,

0:23:04.160 --> 0:23:06.679
<v Speaker 1>he has the opportunity to be there for me instead

0:23:06.680 --> 0:23:09.160
<v Speaker 1>of him being in his own in his own head,

0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:11.560
<v Speaker 1>selfish lives, like I can't believe he's like, oh my god,

0:23:11.560 --> 0:23:14.720
<v Speaker 1>my wife is actually asking for help. So that helped

0:23:14.720 --> 0:23:17.880
<v Speaker 1>peace was a big deal as well. And then overall,

0:23:17.920 --> 0:23:21.000
<v Speaker 1>I think when you're approaching anything like this, how do

0:23:21.040 --> 0:23:24.359
<v Speaker 1>you see your relationship? I think relationships are like a

0:23:24.400 --> 0:23:27.679
<v Speaker 1>game of tennis. You're playing a sport. You're playing the

0:23:27.680 --> 0:23:30.800
<v Speaker 1>same sport, but are you playing singles or doubles? If

0:23:30.840 --> 0:23:33.440
<v Speaker 1>you're playing singles. You're both on each other side of

0:23:33.480 --> 0:23:35.399
<v Speaker 1>the net and you're just hitting the ball back and forward,

0:23:35.600 --> 0:23:38.680
<v Speaker 1>and ultimately only one of you can win. And you see,

0:23:38.760 --> 0:23:41.200
<v Speaker 1>j I'm sure you've seen a lot of relationship where

0:23:41.200 --> 0:23:43.640
<v Speaker 1>someone's just trying to make a little jab at them

0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:46.000
<v Speaker 1>and it's like it literally this back and forth. It's

0:23:46.040 --> 0:23:49.399
<v Speaker 1>not coming together. But a game of doubles, you're on

0:23:49.440 --> 0:23:52.879
<v Speaker 1>the same side. You either win together or you lose together.

0:23:53.119 --> 0:23:55.760
<v Speaker 1>And if I'm weak, I tell you I'm weak, and

0:23:55.840 --> 0:23:59.040
<v Speaker 1>that's where you get stronger, and vice versa. So in

0:23:59.080 --> 0:24:01.800
<v Speaker 1>this moment, I'm saying to my husband, I don't know

0:24:01.840 --> 0:24:04.520
<v Speaker 1>what I'm doing, I don't know what the future looks like,

0:24:04.600 --> 0:24:08.520
<v Speaker 1>but I'm not happy. I am weak metaphorically, I need

0:24:08.560 --> 0:24:11.640
<v Speaker 1>your help. And so he turned around in having laid

0:24:11.640 --> 0:24:14.359
<v Speaker 1>all that out being honest with each other. That's also

0:24:14.400 --> 0:24:18.159
<v Speaker 1>the foundation. Is your relationship built on honesty. Once you

0:24:18.240 --> 0:24:21.560
<v Speaker 1>had that discussion, his response was what kind of husband

0:24:21.560 --> 0:24:24.199
<v Speaker 1>would I be if I put clean underwear ahead of

0:24:24.240 --> 0:24:29.040
<v Speaker 1>your happiness? And that became the moment where he realized

0:24:29.080 --> 0:24:31.800
<v Speaker 1>we were in it together. I wasn't happy and he

0:24:31.840 --> 0:24:35.000
<v Speaker 1>could help me navigate out of it and it came

0:24:35.040 --> 0:24:38.200
<v Speaker 1>to that one day where he doesn't have clean underwear. Jay,

0:24:38.240 --> 0:24:40.280
<v Speaker 1>I didn't do laundry for like a month, and he

0:24:40.359 --> 0:24:42.760
<v Speaker 1>turns around and yells from in the other room, Babe,

0:24:43.040 --> 0:24:46.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't have any underwear. And in that moment, I

0:24:46.119 --> 0:24:49.240
<v Speaker 1>paused and I was like, oh, no, is this where

0:24:49.359 --> 0:24:51.439
<v Speaker 1>the truth comes out? And he's like, I can't believe

0:24:51.480 --> 0:24:53.919
<v Speaker 1>as my wife, you don't give me clean underwear. And

0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:55.640
<v Speaker 1>he turned around, he's like, so, I guess I'm going

0:24:55.640 --> 0:24:58.399
<v Speaker 1>to work commandover and he goes to work with no

0:24:58.600 --> 0:25:01.520
<v Speaker 1>underwear on. Now, what that did was the way that

0:25:01.560 --> 0:25:04.120
<v Speaker 1>I handled it, brought him in. We did it together.

0:25:04.720 --> 0:25:07.119
<v Speaker 1>Made that moment was like a make up break. He

0:25:07.160 --> 0:25:09.360
<v Speaker 1>could have been mad, he could have been like, see,

0:25:09.520 --> 0:25:12.919
<v Speaker 1>I knew it. The resentment and contempt is like the

0:25:12.960 --> 0:25:16.200
<v Speaker 1>two things that will identify I think by ninety percent

0:25:16.920 --> 0:25:19.840
<v Speaker 1>guarantee that a couple won't last is if you see

0:25:19.960 --> 0:25:23.399
<v Speaker 1>resentment and contempt in a relationship. And so would that

0:25:23.560 --> 0:25:25.879
<v Speaker 1>is exactly what would have happened. He would have built

0:25:25.920 --> 0:25:28.960
<v Speaker 1>contempt day by day that my wife isn't cooking, forming,

0:25:29.000 --> 0:25:32.119
<v Speaker 1>my wife isn't cleaning, and one silly moment like I

0:25:32.160 --> 0:25:36.040
<v Speaker 1>don't have underwear could be that breaking point of that relationship,

0:25:36.320 --> 0:25:39.399
<v Speaker 1>but because we'd set up that foundation, that moment that

0:25:39.400 --> 0:25:41.800
<v Speaker 1>could have broken us actually brought us closer together.

0:25:42.119 --> 0:25:45.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean that, But that is literally an emotional

0:25:45.400 --> 0:25:50.720
<v Speaker 2>maturity masterclass like that. It's incredible that you had that

0:25:50.840 --> 0:25:54.560
<v Speaker 2>emotional maturity then and that Tom did too, and obviously,

0:25:54.920 --> 0:25:57.399
<v Speaker 2>you know you see it in your continued success of

0:25:57.440 --> 0:26:00.720
<v Speaker 2>your relationship in marriage. But I wish everyone have a

0:26:00.720 --> 0:26:03.359
<v Speaker 2>conversation like that, because here's how it usually would go.

0:26:04.160 --> 0:26:07.320
<v Speaker 2>You'd have the realization that you're not happy. You'd probably

0:26:07.640 --> 0:26:09.399
<v Speaker 2>suck it up and live with it for a bit longer.

0:26:10.160 --> 0:26:11.639
<v Speaker 2>Then you'd go up to me and be like, I

0:26:11.680 --> 0:26:15.080
<v Speaker 2>can't believe you've controlled me for the last eight to

0:26:15.200 --> 0:26:18.639
<v Speaker 2>ten years. I can't believe that you've dominated me. I

0:26:18.680 --> 0:26:24.040
<v Speaker 2>can't believe that you've made me this submissive person. And

0:26:24.080 --> 0:26:26.679
<v Speaker 2>I'm not happy, and I'm never going to cook for

0:26:26.680 --> 0:26:28.399
<v Speaker 2>you again, I'm never going to clean for you again.

0:26:28.680 --> 0:26:33.000
<v Speaker 2>Do it yourself, grow up. And you could have said

0:26:33.000 --> 0:26:35.480
<v Speaker 2>it like that and then he'd turn around and go

0:26:36.080 --> 0:26:36.679
<v Speaker 2>get over it.

0:26:36.680 --> 0:26:37.679
<v Speaker 4>That's what you signed up for.

0:26:38.440 --> 0:26:40.040
<v Speaker 2>And I think a lot of people end up having

0:26:40.080 --> 0:26:43.320
<v Speaker 2>that version of it. And it's really interesting. I say

0:26:43.359 --> 0:26:44.960
<v Speaker 2>this to a lot of people. It's almost like, when

0:26:45.000 --> 0:26:48.320
<v Speaker 2>you share something, are you sharing in a way that

0:26:49.000 --> 0:26:52.080
<v Speaker 2>is looking at the three sixty of what you just said? Like, well,

0:26:52.119 --> 0:26:53.920
<v Speaker 2>what did I sign up for? What did they sign

0:26:54.000 --> 0:26:58.119
<v Speaker 2>up for? How does this change affect them? The change

0:26:58.160 --> 0:27:01.399
<v Speaker 2>will never be seamless and smooth that now that I've

0:27:01.440 --> 0:27:04.199
<v Speaker 2>said it, from tomorrow, everything's going to be perfect. And

0:27:04.240 --> 0:27:07.879
<v Speaker 2>it's incredible to me to hear the emotional maturity surrounding that.

0:27:07.920 --> 0:27:10.000
<v Speaker 2>And I hope that everyone who's listening and watching my

0:27:10.040 --> 0:27:13.159
<v Speaker 2>compassion goes out to people who I do feel are

0:27:13.200 --> 0:27:16.760
<v Speaker 2>with someone who may not have the emotional maturity to

0:27:16.800 --> 0:27:20.679
<v Speaker 2>receive it, even if it's shared with the maturity that

0:27:20.720 --> 0:27:22.800
<v Speaker 2>you just shared it. I think I do know a

0:27:22.800 --> 0:27:25.800
<v Speaker 2>lot of people who have tried to share something similar

0:27:25.800 --> 0:27:27.840
<v Speaker 2>with their partners, and the partners will be like, I

0:27:27.920 --> 0:27:30.160
<v Speaker 2>just get over it. You'll be fine tomorrow, don't worry

0:27:30.160 --> 0:27:32.800
<v Speaker 2>about it. Like, you know, how would you have dealt

0:27:32.840 --> 0:27:34.880
<v Speaker 2>with if that was the case? How would you guide

0:27:34.880 --> 0:27:37.800
<v Speaker 2>people with radical confidence? How would you deal with that?

0:27:37.960 --> 0:27:38.200
<v Speaker 4>Yeah?

0:27:38.240 --> 0:27:41.320
<v Speaker 1>God, that's such a great question because there's no guarantee

0:27:41.320 --> 0:27:44.240
<v Speaker 1>that your partner's going to respond the same way Tom did, even.

0:27:44.040 --> 0:27:46.400
<v Speaker 2>If you dropped it perfect yes, yes, right, Like, that's

0:27:46.400 --> 0:27:47.760
<v Speaker 2>the point. I think we live in a world where

0:27:47.800 --> 0:27:51.360
<v Speaker 2>we think if I say everything perfectly, then someone and

0:27:51.400 --> 0:27:53.480
<v Speaker 2>we know that's not true. So let's say you dropped

0:27:53.520 --> 0:27:56.840
<v Speaker 2>it perfectly and Tom had it's right, baby, Like, that's

0:27:56.840 --> 0:27:58.480
<v Speaker 2>what women are meant to do. That's what a wife's

0:27:58.480 --> 0:28:01.520
<v Speaker 2>meant to do. That's what or that's what you signed

0:28:01.600 --> 0:28:04.080
<v Speaker 2>up for. We both signed a contract. That's what it was.

0:28:04.680 --> 0:28:05.320
<v Speaker 4>What would you have done?

0:28:05.400 --> 0:28:07.440
<v Speaker 1>And that's really important because that's the thing is like,

0:28:07.600 --> 0:28:10.000
<v Speaker 1>was it a non negotiable for him? Because even to

0:28:10.080 --> 0:28:12.800
<v Speaker 1>where I said, I originally wanted four children and I

0:28:12.840 --> 0:28:17.239
<v Speaker 1>don't want any that idea of that non negotiable if

0:28:17.240 --> 0:28:18.800
<v Speaker 1>he was the type of person were one of his

0:28:18.880 --> 0:28:21.280
<v Speaker 1>non negotiables, we're having children and having a stay at

0:28:21.320 --> 0:28:23.960
<v Speaker 1>home wife. I actually understand that we're not meant to

0:28:23.960 --> 0:28:26.960
<v Speaker 1>be together then, because I don't want to force my

0:28:27.080 --> 0:28:29.119
<v Speaker 1>opinion on you. You need to live the life that

0:28:29.160 --> 0:28:31.840
<v Speaker 1>you actually want, and if that life means that you

0:28:32.040 --> 0:28:34.679
<v Speaker 1>really want children, you need to go and find that

0:28:34.680 --> 0:28:36.960
<v Speaker 1>because we're going to make each other unhappy, no matter

0:28:37.000 --> 0:28:39.840
<v Speaker 1>how much I love you. And so if Tom had

0:28:39.840 --> 0:28:41.960
<v Speaker 1>turned around to me and said, yeah, no, that's what

0:28:42.000 --> 0:28:44.320
<v Speaker 1>you signed up for, I think in that moment I

0:28:44.360 --> 0:28:46.160
<v Speaker 1>would have been shocked. I wouldn't have expected it, and

0:28:46.200 --> 0:28:48.360
<v Speaker 1>I would have had to go back and be with

0:28:48.440 --> 0:28:51.880
<v Speaker 1>myself and been silenced and start to write out what

0:28:51.960 --> 0:28:54.480
<v Speaker 1>my value systems are, what my morals are, and how

0:28:54.480 --> 0:28:57.080
<v Speaker 1>I want to show up every day, and then check

0:28:57.120 --> 0:28:59.440
<v Speaker 1>to see if then what Tom is saying aligns with that,

0:28:59.720 --> 0:29:02.480
<v Speaker 1>because I had been going along with the flow for

0:29:02.520 --> 0:29:06.400
<v Speaker 1>so long and thinking other people's opinions were mine. And

0:29:06.480 --> 0:29:08.920
<v Speaker 1>so we don't really know what is our own thoughts

0:29:09.040 --> 0:29:11.600
<v Speaker 1>until we are still, until we write out what we

0:29:11.760 --> 0:29:14.800
<v Speaker 1>actually care about, and so our value systems happen to

0:29:14.920 --> 0:29:17.720
<v Speaker 1>very much align. Our value system is is I will

0:29:17.720 --> 0:29:21.200
<v Speaker 1>support you, even in spite of things that may make

0:29:21.240 --> 0:29:24.160
<v Speaker 1>my life more uncomfortable. Right, my value system is is

0:29:24.200 --> 0:29:27.360
<v Speaker 1>that you are an ambitious man. I will protect you

0:29:27.480 --> 0:29:29.760
<v Speaker 1>and support you in your ambition, even if it makes

0:29:29.800 --> 0:29:32.360
<v Speaker 1>my life more difficult. So if he's working, which is

0:29:32.400 --> 0:29:34.400
<v Speaker 1>true two years ago, he was working one hundred and

0:29:34.440 --> 0:29:35.440
<v Speaker 1>twenty hours.

0:29:35.200 --> 0:29:36.480
<v Speaker 3>A week two years ago.

0:29:36.640 --> 0:29:41.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like for like eighteen months. That was very hard.

0:29:42.000 --> 0:29:44.720
<v Speaker 1>And so for eighteen months I was supporting him until

0:29:44.720 --> 0:29:47.880
<v Speaker 1>it started to become detrimental to us. And that's where

0:29:47.920 --> 0:29:50.719
<v Speaker 1>it's like, support each other, know your value systems, but

0:29:50.840 --> 0:29:53.880
<v Speaker 1>never let your own values diminish, your own wants and

0:29:53.960 --> 0:29:55.920
<v Speaker 1>need diminished. And that's what I did for eight years.

0:29:56.360 --> 0:29:57.880
<v Speaker 1>And that's kind of what I talk about in the

0:29:57.880 --> 0:30:01.280
<v Speaker 1>book about how a relationship can and be literally the

0:30:01.840 --> 0:30:05.160
<v Speaker 1>winds beneath your wind, your wings that can help propel

0:30:05.240 --> 0:30:08.320
<v Speaker 1>you right, it can make you feel better about yourself

0:30:08.400 --> 0:30:10.840
<v Speaker 1>as you're on that journey. But it also can be

0:30:10.920 --> 0:30:14.120
<v Speaker 1>that anchor around your ankle that can if you dropped

0:30:14.160 --> 0:30:16.200
<v Speaker 1>into the ocean, we just take you deeper and deeper.

0:30:16.640 --> 0:30:19.080
<v Speaker 1>And so who are you with? Do they want to

0:30:19.080 --> 0:30:22.160
<v Speaker 1>see you shine? Do they want to actually see you thrive?

0:30:22.520 --> 0:30:25.600
<v Speaker 1>And what are their non negotiables? But I think ultimately,

0:30:25.600 --> 0:30:27.280
<v Speaker 1>if Tom has said that, I don't think we would

0:30:27.280 --> 0:30:29.760
<v Speaker 1>have stayed together. And that's the key is when people

0:30:29.840 --> 0:30:32.560
<v Speaker 1>say you and Tom are so lucky, You're so lucky

0:30:32.600 --> 0:30:34.960
<v Speaker 1>to have someone like Tom, and I said, no, no, no, no,

0:30:35.840 --> 0:30:38.880
<v Speaker 1>I've got Tom because we communicate and he's the person

0:30:38.920 --> 0:30:41.200
<v Speaker 1>that is okay with a wife going from a stay

0:30:41.200 --> 0:30:44.400
<v Speaker 1>at home wife to now an entrepreneur. And I'm okay

0:30:44.440 --> 0:30:47.440
<v Speaker 1>with having a husband that works one hundred hours or

0:30:47.440 --> 0:30:50.040
<v Speaker 1>one hundred and twenty hours a week. Most people aren't

0:30:50.040 --> 0:30:53.240
<v Speaker 1>and there's no judgment there. But that's what makes us

0:30:53.360 --> 0:30:57.400
<v Speaker 1>beautiful dance partners. And so never, I just did it

0:30:57.440 --> 0:31:01.040
<v Speaker 1>too long, Jay, Never, anyone listening, don't ever diminish your dreams.

0:31:01.240 --> 0:31:06.160
<v Speaker 1>Don't ever negotiate your boundaries for somebody else. Know what

0:31:06.240 --> 0:31:09.600
<v Speaker 1>they are first, and then ideally find somebody that respects

0:31:09.600 --> 0:31:10.600
<v Speaker 1>and compliments them.

0:31:10.920 --> 0:31:14.040
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's such great advice, and it's you know, and

0:31:14.080 --> 0:31:16.320
<v Speaker 2>I know you mean it. And it's funny because I

0:31:18.160 --> 0:31:20.600
<v Speaker 2>think I resonate strongly with that as well. Is that

0:31:21.320 --> 0:31:25.560
<v Speaker 2>when I think about me and Raddy, it's very we're

0:31:25.600 --> 0:31:28.840
<v Speaker 2>obviously we no longer have been together as long as

0:31:28.840 --> 0:31:31.000
<v Speaker 2>you and Tom have, but I see a lot of

0:31:31.040 --> 0:31:35.680
<v Speaker 2>similarities in how we're growing in that way. And your

0:31:35.840 --> 0:31:38.280
<v Speaker 2>relationship is a beautiful example of that, like you and

0:31:38.320 --> 0:31:41.400
<v Speaker 2>Tom and how long you've been together and all the transitions,

0:31:41.440 --> 0:31:44.240
<v Speaker 2>and I love seeing it. It's really inspiring for us,

0:31:45.000 --> 0:31:46.800
<v Speaker 2>and I think it's similar for us.

0:31:46.680 --> 0:31:47.280
<v Speaker 4>Like I always.

0:31:47.360 --> 0:31:51.240
<v Speaker 2>I genuinely believe it that the reason why me and

0:31:51.320 --> 0:31:54.880
<v Speaker 2>Rady work is because we communicate, and is because we're

0:31:55.000 --> 0:31:58.960
<v Speaker 2>both able to respect and adapt and know what the

0:31:59.040 --> 0:32:02.280
<v Speaker 2>other person needs. I think what's really interesting, though, Lise,

0:32:02.400 --> 0:32:06.760
<v Speaker 2>is that a lot of the time, what we want,

0:32:07.320 --> 0:32:10.320
<v Speaker 2>we've got to really think about that word, because I

0:32:10.400 --> 0:32:13.920
<v Speaker 2>wonder whether sometimes we've always It's so funny because I'm

0:32:13.920 --> 0:32:15.560
<v Speaker 2>going the other way, but we started off talking about

0:32:15.560 --> 0:32:18.760
<v Speaker 2>like we all believe we deserve less, but sometimes in

0:32:18.760 --> 0:32:22.600
<v Speaker 2>our relationships we could be really demanding in a way

0:32:22.800 --> 0:32:26.160
<v Speaker 2>that isn't taking into account who the other person is.

0:32:26.680 --> 0:32:30.000
<v Speaker 2>So I'll give you an example. Let's say what you wanted,

0:32:30.440 --> 0:32:32.239
<v Speaker 2>and I know Tom's I'm going to speak for him

0:32:32.280 --> 0:32:34.280
<v Speaker 2>a bit and you can edit the parts I don't

0:32:34.280 --> 0:32:37.920
<v Speaker 2>get right. If you had said, Jay, I'm excited to

0:32:37.920 --> 0:32:40.040
<v Speaker 2>get married and the guy I want, I want him

0:32:40.080 --> 0:32:44.160
<v Speaker 2>to be someone who every evening spends time with me,

0:32:44.520 --> 0:32:48.160
<v Speaker 2>every weekend is free and available. I want him to

0:32:48.440 --> 0:32:51.200
<v Speaker 2>think about planning a vacation four times a year, or

0:32:51.200 --> 0:32:53.520
<v Speaker 2>twice a year, or once year. I want him to

0:32:53.520 --> 0:32:55.160
<v Speaker 2>be someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch

0:32:55.200 --> 0:32:58.920
<v Speaker 2>a movie every night, even if you wanted all of that,

0:32:58.960 --> 0:33:01.480
<v Speaker 2>Tom was not the right guy, Like that's not Tom,

0:33:01.640 --> 0:33:03.440
<v Speaker 2>Like he's he may be some of those things, but

0:33:03.560 --> 0:33:07.280
<v Speaker 2>not really not really Yeah, exactly perception, Tom's not that guy.

0:33:07.160 --> 0:33:10.320
<v Speaker 3>I know each other, you know Tom. Yeah, Like Tom's

0:33:10.360 --> 0:33:11.320
<v Speaker 3>not that guy.

0:33:11.640 --> 0:33:13.560
<v Speaker 2>And and I'm not saying that makes him a good

0:33:13.600 --> 0:33:15.960
<v Speaker 2>or bad I'm just saying that's not Tom. And it

0:33:16.040 --> 0:33:18.640
<v Speaker 2>was similar with me and Radi, like, you know, like

0:33:18.720 --> 0:33:21.920
<v Speaker 2>I think I said something ridiculous to Radi when we

0:33:21.960 --> 0:33:23.440
<v Speaker 2>first started dating, and I was like, look, if you

0:33:23.480 --> 0:33:25.360
<v Speaker 2>want the guy who's always free every weekend to hang

0:33:25.400 --> 0:33:28.080
<v Speaker 2>out with family and goes to a movie on Friday

0:33:28.160 --> 0:33:30.640
<v Speaker 2>night and then goes like I don't know, like house shop,

0:33:30.720 --> 0:33:32.560
<v Speaker 2>furniture shopping on the weekend, I was like, I'm not

0:33:32.600 --> 0:33:34.880
<v Speaker 2>that guy, Like I'm just that's not me, Like I

0:33:34.880 --> 0:33:38.440
<v Speaker 2>have a mission, I'm excited about stuff, like I'm passionate,

0:33:38.760 --> 0:33:40.720
<v Speaker 2>i want to live a purposeful life, like this is

0:33:40.760 --> 0:33:45.360
<v Speaker 2>my priority. And so sometimes what we want and who

0:33:45.360 --> 0:33:46.680
<v Speaker 2>were attracted.

0:33:46.160 --> 0:33:49.200
<v Speaker 3>To don't mesh.

0:33:49.280 --> 0:33:52.520
<v Speaker 2>Like you can be attracted to Tom for his intelligence,

0:33:52.600 --> 0:33:55.280
<v Speaker 2>his brain, his looks, whatever else it is, and he

0:33:55.280 --> 0:33:57.080
<v Speaker 2>can be attracted to you, but then you're like, but

0:33:57.120 --> 0:33:59.440
<v Speaker 2>wait a minute, I actually want someone who's ambitious or

0:33:59.480 --> 0:34:00.000
<v Speaker 2>not ambitious.

0:34:00.080 --> 0:34:01.240
<v Speaker 4>I want someone who's.

0:34:01.240 --> 0:34:03.640
<v Speaker 2>This or this, And so sometimes I think we're trying

0:34:03.680 --> 0:34:06.520
<v Speaker 2>to force someone to be something that they're not. And

0:34:06.560 --> 0:34:08.120
<v Speaker 2>I see that a lot. I'll have a lot of

0:34:08.160 --> 0:34:10.560
<v Speaker 2>friends will say to me like, I wish he was

0:34:10.640 --> 0:34:13.239
<v Speaker 2>just a bit more ambitious. I'm like, but he's not.

0:34:13.440 --> 0:34:15.840
<v Speaker 2>And he's not suddenly going to become that, like he's

0:34:16.160 --> 0:34:18.480
<v Speaker 2>he's he may become that, because we can all change,

0:34:18.840 --> 0:34:20.960
<v Speaker 2>but obviously he's not showing you that two years or

0:34:21.000 --> 0:34:23.160
<v Speaker 2>someone will be like, you know, I wishly didn't work

0:34:23.239 --> 0:34:26.200
<v Speaker 2>so hard, like you know, something like but you know

0:34:26.320 --> 0:34:28.239
<v Speaker 2>his goal is to be a billionaire, like as in

0:34:28.719 --> 0:34:29.200
<v Speaker 2>do you know what I mean?

0:34:29.239 --> 0:34:30.600
<v Speaker 4>And and he's dedicated to that.

0:34:30.640 --> 0:34:33.440
<v Speaker 2>So I'm like, where does that want an attraction kind

0:34:33.440 --> 0:34:34.120
<v Speaker 2>of go together?

0:34:34.320 --> 0:34:37.439
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think it's such a great question. Yeah, Because

0:34:37.440 --> 0:34:39.080
<v Speaker 1>here's the thing, though, Jay, is that of course we

0:34:39.120 --> 0:34:42.560
<v Speaker 1>want everything. Of course we do everyone does, So just

0:34:42.600 --> 0:34:44.640
<v Speaker 1>accept that, Okay, you're not going to necessarily be able

0:34:44.719 --> 0:34:48.839
<v Speaker 1>to have everything, So what's what's the cost? So I

0:34:49.280 --> 0:34:53.680
<v Speaker 1>find ambition extremely sexy and attractive, and so I'm attracted

0:34:53.760 --> 0:34:56.680
<v Speaker 1>to someone that has ambition, and so what comes with that?

0:34:56.760 --> 0:34:59.160
<v Speaker 1>What is the cost of being attracted to someone that

0:34:59.200 --> 0:35:01.839
<v Speaker 1>has ambition? They're not going to be there every night

0:35:01.920 --> 0:35:04.480
<v Speaker 1>at seven pm, They're not taking time off on the weekends,

0:35:04.520 --> 0:35:07.120
<v Speaker 1>They're not filling the blank. Okay, well, what's more important

0:35:07.160 --> 0:35:09.200
<v Speaker 1>to you? Like, now, just look at those facts and

0:35:09.239 --> 0:35:11.880
<v Speaker 1>go if you're ambitious, this is actually what comes with

0:35:11.920 --> 0:35:14.520
<v Speaker 1>someone ambitious. If you want someone that is a stay

0:35:14.600 --> 0:35:18.080
<v Speaker 1>up again, freaking love it. But just know that probably

0:35:18.160 --> 0:35:20.400
<v Speaker 1>means they're going to work a nine to five that

0:35:20.040 --> 0:35:22.719
<v Speaker 1>that way they have the time to be open to

0:35:22.760 --> 0:35:25.240
<v Speaker 1>them spending date night with you. But are you okay

0:35:25.280 --> 0:35:27.440
<v Speaker 1>with that? What life do you want? What's more important?

0:35:27.520 --> 0:35:30.400
<v Speaker 1>Like actually almost prioritize them. And so for me that

0:35:30.560 --> 0:35:32.440
<v Speaker 1>was a very early wake up call with Tom where

0:35:32.440 --> 0:35:34.880
<v Speaker 1>it's like I know who I'm married, and so just

0:35:34.920 --> 0:35:36.960
<v Speaker 1>because I've got a ring on my finger doesn't mean

0:35:37.000 --> 0:35:39.640
<v Speaker 1>now all of a sudden he has to change in

0:35:39.760 --> 0:35:41.719
<v Speaker 1>order to fit all the things that I'm looking for

0:35:41.760 --> 0:35:45.040
<v Speaker 1>in life. I actually know that the cost of being

0:35:45.040 --> 0:35:46.960
<v Speaker 1>with him is that I don't see him on a

0:35:46.960 --> 0:35:50.640
<v Speaker 1>Saturday night or a Friday. And then that extends to children.

0:35:50.960 --> 0:35:53.440
<v Speaker 1>When we were even talking about kids, he said, Babe,

0:35:53.480 --> 0:35:56.360
<v Speaker 1>I love you. I'm not gonna wake up in the

0:35:56.360 --> 0:35:59.520
<v Speaker 1>middle of the night and clean the baby's diaper because

0:35:59.560 --> 0:36:02.080
<v Speaker 1>I am an ambitious and I will be resentful, going

0:36:02.080 --> 0:36:04.560
<v Speaker 1>back to that word, I'll be resentful if I give

0:36:04.640 --> 0:36:06.680
<v Speaker 1>up my ambition for my children and my wife. I

0:36:06.719 --> 0:36:08.600
<v Speaker 1>won't be able to be the man that you love

0:36:08.880 --> 0:36:11.680
<v Speaker 1>and you want me to be, because you are literally

0:36:12.200 --> 0:36:16.000
<v Speaker 1>stripping me away of the fundamental person I am. And

0:36:16.080 --> 0:36:18.480
<v Speaker 1>when you can respect someone for being that honest and

0:36:18.480 --> 0:36:22.520
<v Speaker 1>that transparent, I only receive it with utter gratitude to

0:36:22.520 --> 0:36:25.000
<v Speaker 1>be honest, like thank you for telling me before we

0:36:25.120 --> 0:36:27.880
<v Speaker 1>have children what type of father you're going to be.

0:36:28.200 --> 0:36:30.359
<v Speaker 1>And so he said, I'm going to be working really hard.

0:36:30.360 --> 0:36:32.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to be coming home at seven pm

0:36:32.040 --> 0:36:34.040
<v Speaker 1>every night, and I'm not going to get up with

0:36:34.080 --> 0:36:35.759
<v Speaker 1>the kids because i need to make sure that my

0:36:35.840 --> 0:36:39.240
<v Speaker 1>cognitive load is like on fire when I'm in my business.

0:36:39.719 --> 0:36:41.920
<v Speaker 1>But then on the weekends, the truth is that I

0:36:41.960 --> 0:36:44.200
<v Speaker 1>want to be an amazing father, and so I'm going

0:36:44.239 --> 0:36:46.280
<v Speaker 1>to be on the weekends taking my kids to soccer

0:36:46.320 --> 0:36:49.120
<v Speaker 1>practice and doing all these things. Those are the reality

0:36:49.239 --> 0:36:51.759
<v Speaker 1>of who fundamentally he is and how that shows up

0:36:51.800 --> 0:36:55.440
<v Speaker 1>in our relationship. Cool now that I know that, do

0:36:55.480 --> 0:36:59.320
<v Speaker 1>I still want children? Knowing that pretty much Monday to Friday,

0:36:59.360 --> 0:37:04.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm a single mother Because when people don't have these conversations,

0:37:04.280 --> 0:37:06.360
<v Speaker 1>it ends up being the biggest thing that breaks that

0:37:06.440 --> 0:37:09.359
<v Speaker 1>relationship because you are now judging the part I can't

0:37:09.400 --> 0:37:11.960
<v Speaker 1>believe he's not waking up and I'm I'm left all

0:37:12.000 --> 0:37:15.120
<v Speaker 1>by myself? Or did you have the discussion so that

0:37:15.239 --> 0:37:18.560
<v Speaker 1>you knew again the zero judgment? But you knew what

0:37:18.840 --> 0:37:20.520
<v Speaker 1>the mother wants and what the father wants. And this

0:37:20.560 --> 0:37:22.239
<v Speaker 1>goes both ways, right, It's not just Tom what do

0:37:22.280 --> 0:37:24.399
<v Speaker 1>I want out of life? And how do children fit

0:37:24.440 --> 0:37:27.400
<v Speaker 1>into my lifestyle? But those are the things that we

0:37:27.520 --> 0:37:30.520
<v Speaker 1>spoke about every step of the way so that we

0:37:30.560 --> 0:37:33.560
<v Speaker 1>can always give each other the utter respect in being

0:37:33.560 --> 0:37:36.319
<v Speaker 1>the person they are, because when you strip away that,

0:37:36.760 --> 0:37:39.840
<v Speaker 1>you can't bring your whole self. You know, you've written

0:37:39.880 --> 0:37:41.759
<v Speaker 1>in your book about how you have to have a

0:37:41.800 --> 0:37:44.200
<v Speaker 1>relationship with your purpose. Your partner has to have a

0:37:44.239 --> 0:37:47.279
<v Speaker 1>relationship with their purpose and then you come together. But

0:37:47.360 --> 0:37:50.200
<v Speaker 1>if you're stripping each other of their purpose, you can't

0:37:50.239 --> 0:37:54.640
<v Speaker 1>have that beautiful dance and that relationship. So knowing all

0:37:54.680 --> 0:37:57.480
<v Speaker 1>of those factors is exactly why I was like, I

0:37:57.480 --> 0:37:59.920
<v Speaker 1>still love you, I appreciate it. I still find this

0:38:00.120 --> 0:38:03.960
<v Speaker 1>very sexy. And now the understanding is is that he's

0:38:03.960 --> 0:38:06.279
<v Speaker 1>not going to be home in the evening. And that

0:38:06.440 --> 0:38:08.880
<v Speaker 1>was actually part of what made me decide that I

0:38:08.880 --> 0:38:11.560
<v Speaker 1>didn't want children because I don't want to be a

0:38:11.560 --> 0:38:14.680
<v Speaker 1>single mother Monday to Friday. I freaking love my work,

0:38:14.760 --> 0:38:16.320
<v Speaker 1>so I actually don't want to give that up either.

0:38:16.600 --> 0:38:18.600
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to have children and have Nanni's bring

0:38:18.640 --> 0:38:22.239
<v Speaker 1>them up. No shame, just my decision. And then on

0:38:22.280 --> 0:38:25.080
<v Speaker 1>the weekends, I'm just going to be utterly transparent and

0:38:25.120 --> 0:38:27.000
<v Speaker 1>honest with you, is that I don't want to be

0:38:27.040 --> 0:38:29.960
<v Speaker 1>second or third on his priority list. When is there

0:38:29.960 --> 0:38:31.839
<v Speaker 1>going to be time for me and him if he's

0:38:31.880 --> 0:38:34.480
<v Speaker 1>working a week and on the weekends he's with the children.

0:38:35.400 --> 0:38:37.440
<v Speaker 1>And the thing that I will protect the most is

0:38:37.480 --> 0:38:41.680
<v Speaker 1>my relationship with my husband. So knowing that, now, what

0:38:41.719 --> 0:38:45.239
<v Speaker 1>decisions do we make to protect our relationship? And I

0:38:45.360 --> 0:38:47.960
<v Speaker 1>understand people, especially with kids we play, you won't know

0:38:48.000 --> 0:38:50.160
<v Speaker 1>what it's like until you have kids. I bet you

0:38:50.200 --> 0:38:53.080
<v Speaker 1>get that all the time, especially in your culture. The

0:38:53.120 --> 0:38:55.800
<v Speaker 1>truth is no, I don't know what it's like because

0:38:55.800 --> 0:38:59.360
<v Speaker 1>I don't have them. But there's nothing that I'm missing

0:38:59.480 --> 0:39:01.920
<v Speaker 1>or losing because I don't know what I'm missing out on.

0:39:02.120 --> 0:39:04.839
<v Speaker 1>It's kind of like a dog making fun of us

0:39:04.920 --> 0:39:08.719
<v Speaker 1>humans for our sense of smell. It's like their sense

0:39:08.760 --> 0:39:11.480
<v Speaker 1>of smell is freaking amazing, but I don't know what

0:39:11.520 --> 0:39:13.920
<v Speaker 1>it's like. So I don't look at a dog in longingness.

0:39:14.960 --> 0:39:16.640
<v Speaker 1>I just go I know my sense of smell, and

0:39:16.680 --> 0:39:20.040
<v Speaker 1>it is what it is. So but I do treat

0:39:20.040 --> 0:39:23.000
<v Speaker 1>it as fact that I bet you Nature takes its

0:39:23.040 --> 0:39:26.360
<v Speaker 1>course and make sure that biologically, especially as a woman,

0:39:26.560 --> 0:39:30.400
<v Speaker 1>that you then prioritize your children. So then again asking Tom,

0:39:30.719 --> 0:39:33.560
<v Speaker 1>are you okay with going down on my priority list

0:39:33.800 --> 0:39:36.719
<v Speaker 1>when we have kids? Because nature will make sure that

0:39:36.719 --> 0:39:40.200
<v Speaker 1>that child is the center of my universe. I don't

0:39:40.200 --> 0:39:43.400
<v Speaker 1>pretend otherwise. And being able to have that type of

0:39:43.480 --> 0:39:47.120
<v Speaker 1>honest conversations with zero judgment, giving each other the grace

0:39:47.160 --> 0:39:49.879
<v Speaker 1>to just be who they are, then allows us to say,

0:39:50.520 --> 0:39:52.560
<v Speaker 1>do we have children, do we still stay in this

0:39:52.680 --> 0:39:57.320
<v Speaker 1>marriage without that growing contempt that then ends up breaking

0:39:57.360 --> 0:39:59.480
<v Speaker 1>all couples. It turns you into a person you're not

0:39:59.520 --> 0:40:02.360
<v Speaker 1>proud of. You start arguing, you start saying things you

0:40:02.400 --> 0:40:04.920
<v Speaker 1>don't like, you start doing things you're not proud of

0:40:04.920 --> 0:40:09.120
<v Speaker 1>yourself use and potentially their vulnerabilities against them in arguments

0:40:09.160 --> 0:40:12.279
<v Speaker 1>because you haven't had that truth conversation from the get go.

0:40:12.680 --> 0:40:14.480
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I mean, there's so much to unpack.

0:40:14.520 --> 0:40:14.680
<v Speaker 3>Then.

0:40:15.239 --> 0:40:17.120
<v Speaker 2>I love the first point you made, this idea of

0:40:17.680 --> 0:40:20.719
<v Speaker 2>if you're attracted to something that's a non negotiable or

0:40:20.719 --> 0:40:25.120
<v Speaker 2>a priority, first of all, just draw a line as

0:40:25.120 --> 0:40:26.640
<v Speaker 2>to what the cost of that is. So if you

0:40:26.640 --> 0:40:29.600
<v Speaker 2>want some unambitious, naturally they'll have less time. If you

0:40:29.600 --> 0:40:32.359
<v Speaker 2>want someone less time, naturally they'll be less ambitions. That's

0:40:32.400 --> 0:40:34.319
<v Speaker 2>just how life works. And neither of those are good

0:40:34.360 --> 0:40:36.560
<v Speaker 2>or bad. But if you go, I want someone who's

0:40:36.600 --> 0:40:40.960
<v Speaker 2>really ambitious and has loads of time, that's just not happening.

0:40:41.320 --> 0:40:43.120
<v Speaker 2>And so you need to know your deal breakers and

0:40:43.200 --> 0:40:45.200
<v Speaker 2>you need to know your priorities. And I love the

0:40:45.200 --> 0:40:48.400
<v Speaker 2>way you put that because I do think that we

0:40:48.480 --> 0:40:51.040
<v Speaker 2>do want it all, and we want it all now,

0:40:51.600 --> 0:40:54.520
<v Speaker 2>and when someone doesn't give it to us all, we

0:40:54.600 --> 0:40:58.440
<v Speaker 2>then think it's their fault, and that's what creates this

0:40:58.560 --> 0:41:01.799
<v Speaker 2>resentment and contempt because we're like, well, wait a minute, like,

0:41:02.200 --> 0:41:04.080
<v Speaker 2>don't you want to work a bit more? And it's like, no,

0:41:04.160 --> 0:41:05.560
<v Speaker 2>but the thing you love about them is that they're

0:41:05.600 --> 0:41:08.080
<v Speaker 2>always available. Like I have friends who's like, their partners

0:41:08.120 --> 0:41:10.239
<v Speaker 2>will coming then with their work trip and then they'll

0:41:10.239 --> 0:41:11.600
<v Speaker 2>be like, oh, but don't you have something to do?

0:41:11.680 --> 0:41:13.319
<v Speaker 2>And it's like, but but you love the fact that

0:41:13.320 --> 0:41:15.920
<v Speaker 2>they're always with you. And then there's this break, you know,

0:41:15.960 --> 0:41:18.839
<v Speaker 2>this this break, does that make sense or even this

0:41:18.920 --> 0:41:21.359
<v Speaker 2>idea of like I love someone of my friends say

0:41:21.400 --> 0:41:23.239
<v Speaker 2>to me like, oh, you know, my partner's just a

0:41:23.320 --> 0:41:26.839
<v Speaker 2>bit boring, And I'm like, but you wanted someone who

0:41:27.000 --> 0:41:31.319
<v Speaker 2>didn't do anything like you wanted someone who was you know, like,

0:41:31.440 --> 0:41:34.319
<v Speaker 2>didn't have interest, was always around, was always available, and

0:41:34.320 --> 0:41:36.520
<v Speaker 2>now you're calling them boring for it. It's like, but

0:41:36.680 --> 0:41:40.120
<v Speaker 2>you've never really you know, you've never encouraged them to

0:41:40.280 --> 0:41:42.960
<v Speaker 2>or you've never been attracted to someone who wanted to explore.

0:41:43.040 --> 0:41:44.600
<v Speaker 2>It's it's fascinating to me.

0:41:45.320 --> 0:41:46.120
<v Speaker 1>Can we take it either?

0:41:46.200 --> 0:41:47.120
<v Speaker 3>Yes? Please go for it?

0:41:47.200 --> 0:41:47.840
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, go for it.

0:41:48.160 --> 0:41:51.719
<v Speaker 1>So think about women in the workforce now. So a

0:41:51.760 --> 0:41:54.160
<v Speaker 1>lot of women are which I freaking love, right, I

0:41:54.200 --> 0:41:56.880
<v Speaker 1>want to empower women. I think it's incredible that now

0:41:57.040 --> 0:41:58.880
<v Speaker 1>we have the options to really be able to go

0:41:58.920 --> 0:42:01.680
<v Speaker 1>into the workforce instead of stay home wives or mothers.

0:42:02.600 --> 0:42:04.680
<v Speaker 1>But what I've noticing is happening is a lot of

0:42:04.760 --> 0:42:06.719
<v Speaker 1>some women I would won't say a lot are really

0:42:06.719 --> 0:42:09.319
<v Speaker 1>building that confidence and I freaking like it. And I

0:42:09.360 --> 0:42:12.120
<v Speaker 1>interviewed somebody I won't say their name, but she's a

0:42:12.239 --> 0:42:16.640
<v Speaker 1>really big powerhouse and she's successful, and she's wealthy, and

0:42:16.880 --> 0:42:18.840
<v Speaker 1>she had just got divorced, and so she's telling me

0:42:18.880 --> 0:42:22.480
<v Speaker 1>the story about how she's like, yeah, I'm owning my sexuality,

0:42:22.560 --> 0:42:24.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm owning who I am, and I'm a powerful woman.

0:42:25.000 --> 0:42:27.120
<v Speaker 1>So she chats up this guy in a bar and

0:42:27.160 --> 0:42:29.640
<v Speaker 1>she's like, and he became my boyfriend. He's younger than her,

0:42:29.880 --> 0:42:31.680
<v Speaker 1>so he moves in with her, and she's like, I

0:42:31.680 --> 0:42:34.600
<v Speaker 1>freaking love it. No guy's ever going to control me again.

0:42:34.760 --> 0:42:37.200
<v Speaker 1>Or so she's like, amazing, I respect that, you know

0:42:37.239 --> 0:42:40.080
<v Speaker 1>what you want, you go after it. Halfway through the interview,

0:42:40.400 --> 0:42:42.720
<v Speaker 1>she's just like, yeah, And I can't believe he doesn't

0:42:42.800 --> 0:42:46.359
<v Speaker 1>like book any vacations, He never pays for dinner, he

0:42:46.440 --> 0:42:49.400
<v Speaker 1>never takes the lead on something. And I'm like because

0:42:49.440 --> 0:42:51.840
<v Speaker 1>you didn't set up your relationship for that to be

0:42:52.080 --> 0:42:54.520
<v Speaker 1>like that. And I think ultimately, this is something I'm

0:42:54.560 --> 0:42:57.279
<v Speaker 1>really playing with new that's really weighing on me is

0:42:57.280 --> 0:42:59.359
<v Speaker 1>that I think one of the things people don't ask

0:42:59.440 --> 0:43:02.319
<v Speaker 1>each other and they're worried, especially in today's society. But

0:43:02.360 --> 0:43:04.719
<v Speaker 1>I think it's imperative when you get into a relationship,

0:43:04.880 --> 0:43:10.280
<v Speaker 1>before you commit who leads and who follows and having

0:43:10.320 --> 0:43:15.320
<v Speaker 1>that actual conversation. And here's the thing. Following someone doesn't

0:43:15.320 --> 0:43:18.279
<v Speaker 1>make you weaker, it doesn't make you submissive. It just

0:43:18.360 --> 0:43:20.600
<v Speaker 1>has a way to think about dancing. I've brought up

0:43:20.640 --> 0:43:23.919
<v Speaker 1>dancing for some reason this conversation. I'm not quite sure why. Yeah,

0:43:23.960 --> 0:43:27.760
<v Speaker 1>it's the dear exactly think about in dancing. You can't

0:43:27.840 --> 0:43:31.360
<v Speaker 1>have two leaders. You just can't think about running a company.

0:43:31.360 --> 0:43:35.240
<v Speaker 1>You can't have two CEOs. You have to have that moment,

0:43:36.280 --> 0:43:38.680
<v Speaker 1>you have to have that moment of who is leading

0:43:38.800 --> 0:43:41.360
<v Speaker 1>and who is following. But if you can remove the

0:43:41.440 --> 0:43:44.759
<v Speaker 1>stigma that maybe you have against the word follow, then

0:43:44.800 --> 0:43:47.400
<v Speaker 1>you can actually have that honored conversation. And that's what

0:43:47.400 --> 0:43:50.359
<v Speaker 1>Tom and I did is Babe, I want you to lead.

0:43:50.760 --> 0:43:52.520
<v Speaker 1>He wants to lead, and I want him to lead.

0:43:52.680 --> 0:43:55.440
<v Speaker 1>That doesn't make me less of a powerful, confident woman.

0:43:55.640 --> 0:43:58.200
<v Speaker 1>It actually makes me stronger in my eyes, because I'm

0:43:58.200 --> 0:44:00.600
<v Speaker 1>strong enough to know I can it will be strong

0:44:00.640 --> 0:44:04.960
<v Speaker 1>in my own conviction, my ideas, my boundaries, standing up

0:44:05.000 --> 0:44:08.800
<v Speaker 1>for myself, and I can still have faith in somebody

0:44:08.800 --> 0:44:11.239
<v Speaker 1>else is going to lead me. Now, of course, if

0:44:11.280 --> 0:44:13.920
<v Speaker 1>he goes off step, I'm going to have the confidence

0:44:13.960 --> 0:44:18.520
<v Speaker 1>to speak up. But ultimately I'm not challenging him for

0:44:18.600 --> 0:44:22.280
<v Speaker 1>that role. And in Totay's society, again, it's just weird

0:44:22.520 --> 0:44:25.360
<v Speaker 1>for people to say about roles in a relationship. And

0:44:25.400 --> 0:44:27.400
<v Speaker 1>I think there's no right or wrong. What do you

0:44:27.440 --> 0:44:29.719
<v Speaker 1>want in your relationship? But you have to have that

0:44:29.880 --> 0:44:34.080
<v Speaker 1>role discussion. Yes, no matter what gender a person is

0:44:34.080 --> 0:44:36.520
<v Speaker 1>going to take the lead, you have to have that

0:44:36.560 --> 0:44:37.360
<v Speaker 1>discussion first.

0:44:37.480 --> 0:44:37.680
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

0:44:37.719 --> 0:44:39.800
<v Speaker 2>And one thing that Raddy and I found is also

0:44:39.840 --> 0:44:43.239
<v Speaker 2>that we lead and follow in different areas. So when

0:44:43.239 --> 0:44:46.360
<v Speaker 2>it comes to our health, Raley leads. She decides what

0:44:46.440 --> 0:44:48.319
<v Speaker 2>snacks we have in the house. She decides what we

0:44:48.360 --> 0:44:51.160
<v Speaker 2>eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She decides where we

0:44:51.200 --> 0:44:53.160
<v Speaker 2>go to eat for restaurants and we're going out, she

0:44:53.160 --> 0:44:55.600
<v Speaker 2>decides what we eat when we're traveling, because I trust

0:44:55.640 --> 0:44:57.880
<v Speaker 2>her that she knows more about the body than I

0:44:57.960 --> 0:45:01.200
<v Speaker 2>do as a nutritionist and dietician and all of our expertise,

0:45:01.480 --> 0:45:03.319
<v Speaker 2>and so I'm going to follow her. When it comes

0:45:03.360 --> 0:45:05.960
<v Speaker 2>to working out, I follow her. She's the one who's

0:45:05.960 --> 0:45:08.840
<v Speaker 2>like setting the paces to like, all right, you know,

0:45:09.080 --> 0:45:10.640
<v Speaker 2>when I met her, I didn't even work out. Its

0:45:10.680 --> 0:45:12.320
<v Speaker 2>played a bit of sport or whatever. And she was

0:45:12.360 --> 0:45:14.000
<v Speaker 2>the one saying, no, no, no, it's really great for us

0:45:14.040 --> 0:45:15.640
<v Speaker 2>to be active and do this together.

0:45:15.680 --> 0:45:16.360
<v Speaker 4>So she leads.

0:45:16.680 --> 0:45:20.440
<v Speaker 2>When it comes to our home, I lead interior design

0:45:20.480 --> 0:45:21.399
<v Speaker 2>because that's my thing.

0:45:21.440 --> 0:45:21.960
<v Speaker 4>I love it.

0:45:22.000 --> 0:45:25.240
<v Speaker 2>I love art, I love esthetic, I love the feel

0:45:25.320 --> 0:45:27.799
<v Speaker 2>I love everything, and I get so into it, and

0:45:27.840 --> 0:45:29.600
<v Speaker 2>so she let me lead. She was like, Jay, you're

0:45:29.640 --> 0:45:31.680
<v Speaker 2>in charge, Like that's your thing. When it comes to

0:45:31.680 --> 0:45:35.040
<v Speaker 2>spending time with family and vacations, she leads. She loves

0:45:35.200 --> 0:45:37.919
<v Speaker 2>taking care of her family and loves traveling together and

0:45:38.200 --> 0:45:40.520
<v Speaker 2>giving them experiences, and so she lead. Then when it

0:45:40.560 --> 0:45:43.759
<v Speaker 2>comes to the direction of like should we move now,

0:45:43.800 --> 0:45:46.160
<v Speaker 2>should we do this? Where should we invest? I'm leading

0:45:46.200 --> 0:45:50.200
<v Speaker 2>that conversation, and I think it's beautiful because there's leading

0:45:50.239 --> 0:45:53.360
<v Speaker 2>and following across all these different areas and all of

0:45:53.360 --> 0:45:55.560
<v Speaker 2>a sudden, it's like you're both playing to your strengths.

0:45:55.600 --> 0:45:59.920
<v Speaker 2>You both feel valuable, you both feel significant, and you

0:46:00.160 --> 0:46:02.160
<v Speaker 2>both feel like you get to rely on the other person,

0:46:02.160 --> 0:46:04.400
<v Speaker 2>which is beautiful, which is what you want. And I

0:46:04.400 --> 0:46:05.840
<v Speaker 2>think it's yell.

0:46:05.840 --> 0:46:07.360
<v Speaker 1>It goes back to the doubles in tennis.

0:46:07.400 --> 0:46:10.719
<v Speaker 2>You're playing doubles exactly exactly like you take that shot,

0:46:10.760 --> 0:46:13.920
<v Speaker 2>I'll take this one. And that's a beautiful analogy. And

0:46:14.320 --> 0:46:18.000
<v Speaker 2>I think that that's the reality of what's helped us

0:46:18.040 --> 0:46:22.439
<v Speaker 2>as well, is being humble enough to say you lead

0:46:22.560 --> 0:46:26.080
<v Speaker 2>your better at this, and then being confident enough to

0:46:26.120 --> 0:46:28.720
<v Speaker 2>say not, I'll take this one because that's my strength.

0:46:29.120 --> 0:46:32.120
<v Speaker 2>And I think that requires so much humility and putting

0:46:32.120 --> 0:46:35.480
<v Speaker 2>your ego aside, and it also requires so much self awareness.

0:46:35.760 --> 0:46:38.000
<v Speaker 2>And by the way, this isn't perfect. We're constantly playing

0:46:38.040 --> 0:46:40.120
<v Speaker 2>with it, like there will constantly something like I want

0:46:40.160 --> 0:46:41.160
<v Speaker 2>you to this because I don't.

0:46:41.000 --> 0:46:42.440
<v Speaker 4>Want to do it. She's like, I don't want to

0:46:42.440 --> 0:46:43.440
<v Speaker 4>do it either. Right.

0:46:43.719 --> 0:46:46.520
<v Speaker 2>There's that stuff too, and then there's stuff where you're

0:46:46.520 --> 0:46:48.759
<v Speaker 2>both arguing over who's going to lead because you both

0:46:48.800 --> 0:46:51.200
<v Speaker 2>want to lead it. I think what we're both coming

0:46:51.239 --> 0:46:54.680
<v Speaker 2>back down to is the importance of that conversation, because

0:46:55.200 --> 0:46:56.960
<v Speaker 2>I know so many of my friends actually have been

0:46:57.000 --> 0:46:59.239
<v Speaker 2>scared to tell their partners going back to the kids thing,

0:46:59.239 --> 0:47:01.759
<v Speaker 2>and this could be about anything. Kids is an example

0:47:02.360 --> 0:47:04.839
<v Speaker 2>where they're not ready for kids, but their partner is

0:47:04.920 --> 0:47:08.160
<v Speaker 2>so pushing for kids, and it's like, no one's listening

0:47:08.160 --> 0:47:12.320
<v Speaker 2>to each other now. It's just our desire is superseding

0:47:12.400 --> 0:47:15.799
<v Speaker 2>the code that your partner is trying to suggest to

0:47:15.840 --> 0:47:18.800
<v Speaker 2>you of I'm not ready, I'm not sure.

0:47:18.680 --> 0:47:21.560
<v Speaker 3>But your desire is just like no, no, no, it has.

0:47:21.440 --> 0:47:23.719
<v Speaker 2>To happen now, it has to happen now. And I

0:47:23.840 --> 0:47:27.160
<v Speaker 2>find that to be like I think i'd really me

0:47:27.239 --> 0:47:27.880
<v Speaker 2>and Radley kind of.

0:47:27.880 --> 0:47:28.319
<v Speaker 4>Went through that.

0:47:28.440 --> 0:47:32.000
<v Speaker 2>Like before we moved to the place that we're at now,

0:47:32.680 --> 0:47:34.800
<v Speaker 2>I really needed to move because we lived in a

0:47:34.880 --> 0:47:38.880
<v Speaker 2>place that we were renting that I never slept well in.

0:47:39.560 --> 0:47:42.520
<v Speaker 2>We had people taking stuff, like our male would always

0:47:42.520 --> 0:47:45.960
<v Speaker 2>get stolen. We'd have there were a lot of animals

0:47:45.960 --> 0:47:47.960
<v Speaker 2>that were in the floorboards. It was an old home,

0:47:48.040 --> 0:47:51.680
<v Speaker 2>so you'd hear like animals rustling around like it was

0:47:51.719 --> 0:47:54.960
<v Speaker 2>just one of those homes where I always felt uncomfortable

0:47:54.960 --> 0:47:57.359
<v Speaker 2>and anxious, and so I don't think I slept well

0:47:57.400 --> 0:47:59.040
<v Speaker 2>for one and a half years, where I would be

0:47:59.080 --> 0:48:01.920
<v Speaker 2>living in fight or flight every night, thinking what if

0:48:01.920 --> 0:48:05.280
<v Speaker 2>someone's in my house? And that is not a comfortable feeling.

0:48:06.080 --> 0:48:07.600
<v Speaker 2>And so I kept pushing. I was like, rah, the

0:48:07.719 --> 0:48:08.719
<v Speaker 2>I need to get out of here. I need to

0:48:08.719 --> 0:48:10.640
<v Speaker 2>get out. And she loved at home, so she couldn't

0:48:10.680 --> 0:48:12.480
<v Speaker 2>get it. She was just like, this place is beautiful,

0:48:12.840 --> 0:48:14.440
<v Speaker 2>and I'm like, yeah, it's beautiful during the day, but

0:48:14.480 --> 0:48:16.600
<v Speaker 2>at night. Trust me, I'm not really anxious here and

0:48:16.680 --> 0:48:18.200
<v Speaker 2>I'm not really an anxious sleeper.

0:48:18.280 --> 0:48:18.919
<v Speaker 4>I sleep well.

0:48:19.000 --> 0:48:20.880
<v Speaker 2>And so it was very new for me, and I

0:48:20.920 --> 0:48:23.319
<v Speaker 2>could tell she wasn't quite getting it, and so I

0:48:23.360 --> 0:48:27.279
<v Speaker 2>had to start looking for new places because I realized

0:48:27.280 --> 0:48:30.760
<v Speaker 2>that I was like, until she sees something better, she's

0:48:30.880 --> 0:48:34.600
<v Speaker 2>not gonna get the pot. And so it was literally

0:48:34.680 --> 0:48:36.880
<v Speaker 2>like and that's natural, right, like because her she was

0:48:36.920 --> 0:48:38.879
<v Speaker 2>like I'm happy here, I'm satisfied here.

0:48:39.040 --> 0:48:40.760
<v Speaker 3>I was like, no, but I can't.

0:48:41.080 --> 0:48:43.279
<v Speaker 2>And she wasn't getting the subtle nudges, and so I

0:48:43.320 --> 0:48:46.520
<v Speaker 2>started looking, started dragging her to house feelings. We found

0:48:46.520 --> 0:48:47.040
<v Speaker 2>this place.

0:48:47.360 --> 0:48:48.680
<v Speaker 3>Even then she was like no, no, no.

0:48:48.719 --> 0:48:50.680
<v Speaker 2>The other place is more beautiful, blah blah blah blah.

0:48:50.760 --> 0:48:52.840
<v Speaker 2>And then finally I was like, you must be kidding me.

0:48:53.239 --> 0:48:55.840
<v Speaker 2>And then we moved, and now she's grateful that we moved.

0:48:56.080 --> 0:48:58.719
<v Speaker 2>But it was really interesting, how like, even though there

0:48:58.760 --> 0:49:02.040
<v Speaker 2>was a bit of conflict and friction, I still knew

0:49:02.120 --> 0:49:03.560
<v Speaker 2>I had to lead, But I knew I didn't have

0:49:03.560 --> 0:49:05.839
<v Speaker 2>to lead by like trying to convince her or make

0:49:05.840 --> 0:49:08.759
<v Speaker 2>her feel bad for not understanding me, or because I

0:49:08.760 --> 0:49:10.759
<v Speaker 2>could sense it wasn't that she didn't understand me, or

0:49:10.760 --> 0:49:12.759
<v Speaker 2>she wasn't listening to me, or maybe there was a

0:49:12.760 --> 0:49:15.279
<v Speaker 2>bit of that we just weren't getting it, if that

0:49:15.360 --> 0:49:15.839
<v Speaker 2>makes sense.

0:49:16.080 --> 0:49:18.320
<v Speaker 1>That Yeah, what's interesting is I go back to the

0:49:18.440 --> 0:49:21.919
<v Speaker 1>value systems because the value for you was I need

0:49:21.960 --> 0:49:25.759
<v Speaker 1>to the value of sleeping because of how I know

0:49:25.840 --> 0:49:28.040
<v Speaker 1>how important your brain is to you in your mind

0:49:28.040 --> 0:49:29.440
<v Speaker 1>and how you think and how you show up and

0:49:29.480 --> 0:49:32.160
<v Speaker 1>run your business and everything like that. It actually aligns

0:49:32.160 --> 0:49:37.239
<v Speaker 1>with your value system. Now, maybe Radley's value system was homemaking.

0:49:37.920 --> 0:49:40.959
<v Speaker 1>I want to be somewhere I'm comfortable. So actually both

0:49:40.960 --> 0:49:43.080
<v Speaker 1>of your value systems. Again, there's no right or wrong,

0:49:43.320 --> 0:49:45.719
<v Speaker 1>but that's where your value system was. Then colliding because

0:49:45.719 --> 0:49:47.360
<v Speaker 1>she feels like I've made a house out of this

0:49:47.880 --> 0:49:51.680
<v Speaker 1>value system. I'm not getting what I need. I can't work,

0:49:51.719 --> 0:49:54.640
<v Speaker 1>I don't have the mindset value system. So actually what

0:49:54.680 --> 0:49:57.080
<v Speaker 1>was happening is your value systems were colliding, but you're

0:49:57.080 --> 0:50:00.359
<v Speaker 1>not talking about the value. You're talking about the house. Yes, yes,

0:50:00.640 --> 0:50:03.080
<v Speaker 1>And so that becomes that even with the kids thing,

0:50:03.120 --> 0:50:05.160
<v Speaker 1>it's like, okay, we the person that wants to delay

0:50:05.160 --> 0:50:08.400
<v Speaker 1>the children, what's your value system there? I haven't gotten

0:50:08.400 --> 0:50:10.480
<v Speaker 1>to where I want to in my career, and my

0:50:10.560 --> 0:50:13.760
<v Speaker 1>career right now is super important, and maybe the person

0:50:14.160 --> 0:50:16.840
<v Speaker 1>is my value system. I've always wanted a family, and

0:50:16.880 --> 0:50:20.080
<v Speaker 1>so I value family over business. So now you can

0:50:20.080 --> 0:50:22.960
<v Speaker 1>see one person's valuing business over family, the other person's

0:50:23.000 --> 0:50:25.800
<v Speaker 1>valuing family over business, and you're colliding, but you're not

0:50:25.800 --> 0:50:29.200
<v Speaker 1>actually talking about the thing. You're just talking about the kids,

0:50:29.360 --> 0:50:32.400
<v Speaker 1>But it's actually about the value system that's colliding. The

0:50:32.480 --> 0:50:35.279
<v Speaker 1>silly example that I learned this lesson with Tom was

0:50:35.520 --> 0:50:38.960
<v Speaker 1>over making the bed. I was like, what do you

0:50:38.960 --> 0:50:40.640
<v Speaker 1>mean you don't make the bed? Of course you make

0:50:40.680 --> 0:50:42.080
<v Speaker 1>the bed. It was like the thing I was taught

0:50:42.080 --> 0:50:44.680
<v Speaker 1>my whole life. And Tom was like, no, I won't

0:50:44.719 --> 0:50:46.319
<v Speaker 1>make the bed, and we would collide. I'm like, you

0:50:46.360 --> 0:50:48.520
<v Speaker 1>don't get it in these and so he would get

0:50:48.560 --> 0:50:50.719
<v Speaker 1>frustrated every time I would make the bed because he's like,

0:50:50.760 --> 0:50:52.400
<v Speaker 1>I have to unmake the bed now. I'm like, it

0:50:52.440 --> 0:50:56.600
<v Speaker 1>takes three seconds. And I was dismissing and mocking him,

0:50:56.719 --> 0:50:59.080
<v Speaker 1>if I'm going to be very honest, thinking he was

0:50:59.239 --> 0:51:01.600
<v Speaker 1>wrong that of course you make that. What kind of

0:51:01.600 --> 0:51:05.200
<v Speaker 1>person doesn't. And I was literally putting my value system

0:51:05.239 --> 0:51:07.839
<v Speaker 1>on him until we started to date. What does making

0:51:07.880 --> 0:51:09.560
<v Speaker 1>the bed mean to you? And to me, it was

0:51:09.600 --> 0:51:13.560
<v Speaker 1>about neatness. It was about calm. I have ADHD, so

0:51:13.680 --> 0:51:17.640
<v Speaker 1>I need those moments of calmness around me. I need

0:51:17.640 --> 0:51:19.760
<v Speaker 1>things to be neat in order for me to be centered.

0:51:20.000 --> 0:51:21.680
<v Speaker 1>But I didn't say that. I said I need the

0:51:21.680 --> 0:51:24.760
<v Speaker 1>bed to be made. For him, his value system is time,

0:51:25.480 --> 0:51:28.120
<v Speaker 1>He's like, it's the one thing I'll never get back.

0:51:28.400 --> 0:51:30.799
<v Speaker 1>And so if you ask me to do something that

0:51:30.920 --> 0:51:33.359
<v Speaker 1>doesn't actually align with the vision of what I want

0:51:33.440 --> 0:51:36.480
<v Speaker 1>my future to be, don't like you're asking me to

0:51:36.480 --> 0:51:39.400
<v Speaker 1>be someone I'm not. So his value system is time.

0:51:39.719 --> 0:51:42.680
<v Speaker 1>My value system is tidiness. And so you can see

0:51:42.680 --> 0:51:44.920
<v Speaker 1>in just that silly thing of making the bed. We

0:51:45.040 --> 0:51:49.120
<v Speaker 1>freaking collide and how many people couples do that every

0:51:49.239 --> 0:51:52.719
<v Speaker 1>single day over small little things. And what ends up

0:51:52.800 --> 0:51:55.640
<v Speaker 1>happening is that oxytocin that you had when you first

0:51:55.640 --> 0:51:58.200
<v Speaker 1>started dating is no longer there, and all you have

0:51:58.239 --> 0:51:59.760
<v Speaker 1>are these collisions dating.

0:52:00.840 --> 0:52:03.479
<v Speaker 2>I love that, and I feel I really hope everyone

0:52:03.480 --> 0:52:07.200
<v Speaker 2>who's listening and watching like takes a moment to break

0:52:07.239 --> 0:52:09.279
<v Speaker 2>this down for themselves like we had it the other

0:52:09.320 --> 0:52:11.480
<v Speaker 2>way around. A few couple of months ago, my wife's

0:52:11.520 --> 0:52:14.360
<v Speaker 2>book came out, her first book, Yeah, and thank you.

0:52:14.400 --> 0:52:16.239
<v Speaker 2>I know you interviewed her for it as well, and

0:52:16.360 --> 0:52:18.640
<v Speaker 2>it was you know, and it was just it was

0:52:18.680 --> 0:52:21.880
<v Speaker 2>a really exciting moment. Rather had poured three years of

0:52:21.920 --> 0:52:24.799
<v Speaker 2>her life into this cookbook. I saw her work hard

0:52:24.840 --> 0:52:26.680
<v Speaker 2>on it. I've never seen her work that hard in

0:52:26.680 --> 0:52:30.160
<v Speaker 2>my life, never seen her just be so consistent. You

0:52:30.200 --> 0:52:31.839
<v Speaker 2>know how much work it takes. You know, Look, we're

0:52:31.840 --> 0:52:34.440
<v Speaker 2>sitting here talking about radical confidence. One year on, right

0:52:35.280 --> 0:52:39.120
<v Speaker 2>and one year on dude. Two years, yeah, two years

0:52:39.160 --> 0:52:42.279
<v Speaker 2>on of radical confidence. And you know how much work

0:52:42.320 --> 0:52:43.799
<v Speaker 2>goes into this book. I know how much you poured

0:52:43.800 --> 0:52:46.640
<v Speaker 2>into this book. This was your first ever book, and

0:52:46.680 --> 0:52:48.719
<v Speaker 2>I said to Radi. I said to her, I said,

0:52:48.760 --> 0:52:50.719
<v Speaker 2>you know what, Riley, like, we've been together now for

0:52:50.760 --> 0:52:54.640
<v Speaker 2>eleven years. We've celebrated a lot of things, but you've

0:52:54.680 --> 0:52:56.640
<v Speaker 2>never had a book out. So I don't know how

0:52:56.680 --> 0:53:00.920
<v Speaker 2>you want to celebrate this because not every celebs the same,

0:53:01.040 --> 0:53:03.800
<v Speaker 2>Like you don't celebrate a birthday, how you celebrate an anniversary,

0:53:03.840 --> 0:53:07.880
<v Speaker 2>and how you celebrate Christmas. They're different celebrations. And so

0:53:07.920 --> 0:53:09.239
<v Speaker 2>I was asking and checking in with it, and I

0:53:09.320 --> 0:53:11.360
<v Speaker 2>was like, I actually don't know what you'd like to

0:53:11.400 --> 0:53:14.600
<v Speaker 2>do in order to like make this moment feel special.

0:53:15.560 --> 0:53:17.080
<v Speaker 2>And she we were on a hike and she just

0:53:17.120 --> 0:53:19.520
<v Speaker 2>said to me. She goes, oh, we just celebrated last night.

0:53:20.280 --> 0:53:22.120
<v Speaker 4>And I was like, what do you mean. I couldn't

0:53:22.120 --> 0:53:22.880
<v Speaker 4>even remember.

0:53:22.640 --> 0:53:23.960
<v Speaker 2>What we did last night. I was like, what do

0:53:24.040 --> 0:53:26.319
<v Speaker 2>you mean we celebrated last night? And she was like, yeah,

0:53:26.360 --> 0:53:28.920
<v Speaker 2>like our friends came over. I cooked from the book

0:53:29.520 --> 0:53:32.040
<v Speaker 2>and they loved the meals. This was the day before

0:53:32.040 --> 0:53:35.000
<v Speaker 2>the book came out. And I was like, wait, that

0:53:35.120 --> 0:53:36.480
<v Speaker 2>was a celebration to you, Like.

0:53:36.480 --> 0:53:36.879
<v Speaker 3>It wasn't.

0:53:36.960 --> 0:53:40.120
<v Speaker 2>There was no it wasn't like the joyful book event.

0:53:40.239 --> 0:53:43.440
<v Speaker 2>There was no fancy like cards with food. It was

0:53:43.480 --> 0:53:46.759
<v Speaker 2>just a few mates came over and she cooked from

0:53:46.760 --> 0:53:49.319
<v Speaker 2>the book, which I don't even know if she told

0:53:49.320 --> 0:53:51.879
<v Speaker 2>her anyone, and they loved it and they loved the food.

0:53:51.920 --> 0:53:54.680
<v Speaker 2>And she was like, that felt like a celebration to

0:53:54.719 --> 0:53:57.600
<v Speaker 2>me because I made food I love for people I love.

0:53:58.239 --> 0:54:00.200
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, wow, you just saved me this

0:54:00.480 --> 0:54:03.279
<v Speaker 2>grand idea out in my head of like throwing a

0:54:03.280 --> 0:54:05.520
<v Speaker 2>big party or like you know, putting the joyful banner

0:54:05.600 --> 0:54:07.600
<v Speaker 2>up or whatever, which is what I would do. And

0:54:07.640 --> 0:54:09.160
<v Speaker 2>I was just thinking about that, and I was like,

0:54:09.680 --> 0:54:12.960
<v Speaker 2>it's so interesting to me that her value of celebration

0:54:13.440 --> 0:54:17.360
<v Speaker 2>is that, and my value around celebration is totally different.

0:54:18.239 --> 0:54:22.719
<v Speaker 2>But again, so many couples and relationships can go wrong

0:54:22.760 --> 0:54:26.560
<v Speaker 2>because we're constantly either celebrating the person we love or

0:54:26.640 --> 0:54:30.080
<v Speaker 2>we're criticizing the person we love based on our value system.

0:54:30.600 --> 0:54:32.680
<v Speaker 2>And now all we're talking about is the criticism or

0:54:32.680 --> 0:54:35.480
<v Speaker 2>the celebration and not talking about the value. Yeah, And

0:54:35.840 --> 0:54:37.959
<v Speaker 2>it's fascinating to me that it works both ways, whether

0:54:38.000 --> 0:54:39.760
<v Speaker 2>it's a good thing or a bad thing, because sometimes

0:54:39.760 --> 0:54:41.400
<v Speaker 2>you do something something nice for your partner and they

0:54:41.400 --> 0:54:43.719
<v Speaker 2>don't appreciate it, and you're like, why don't you appreciate it?

0:54:44.000 --> 0:54:47.120
<v Speaker 2>Because that's not what I appreciate, it's not what I value.

0:54:47.320 --> 0:54:50.640
<v Speaker 1>And I applaud you for just asking her because so

0:54:50.760 --> 0:54:54.120
<v Speaker 1>many people either wouldn't ask, wouldn't do anything, or just assume.

0:54:54.800 --> 0:54:56.399
<v Speaker 1>And that's I think where a lot of couples will

0:54:56.440 --> 0:54:59.279
<v Speaker 1>most get mixed up, where it's like, well, if they

0:54:59.280 --> 0:55:01.840
<v Speaker 1>love me, they should no, and it's like, oh that

0:55:01.920 --> 0:55:05.000
<v Speaker 1>breaks my heart. It's like they're not a mind reader.

0:55:05.560 --> 0:55:07.920
<v Speaker 1>Like like you said, we all change, we all evolve.

0:55:08.040 --> 0:55:10.560
<v Speaker 1>You would have done something with the biggest heart right,

0:55:10.600 --> 0:55:13.319
<v Speaker 1>like I want to celebrate my wife and she was

0:55:13.360 --> 0:55:17.200
<v Speaker 1>looking like what do you mean? How many times? And

0:55:17.239 --> 0:55:20.480
<v Speaker 1>then what happens in that moment, You feel unappreciated for

0:55:20.560 --> 0:55:23.400
<v Speaker 1>having tried to show up and do something amazing. She

0:55:23.440 --> 0:55:26.680
<v Speaker 1>doesn't feel seen or heard. So now this whole thing,

0:55:26.800 --> 0:55:29.560
<v Speaker 1>this act that you've done to try and really show her,

0:55:29.719 --> 0:55:32.600
<v Speaker 1>doesn't achieve anything. You and her both feel badly. And

0:55:32.640 --> 0:55:35.680
<v Speaker 1>then again you almost like look at the other person

0:55:35.760 --> 0:55:38.680
<v Speaker 1>like you're wrong or you're crazy or how could you

0:55:38.719 --> 0:55:41.239
<v Speaker 1>have done this? And so the idea of just just

0:55:41.480 --> 0:55:45.080
<v Speaker 1>asking and like remove all the idea of what we've

0:55:45.120 --> 0:55:47.040
<v Speaker 1>been taught of like if they love me, they should

0:55:47.080 --> 0:55:49.800
<v Speaker 1>know and just say ultimately, I want them to feel

0:55:49.960 --> 0:55:53.040
<v Speaker 1>what I want them to feel loved. I want them

0:55:53.080 --> 0:55:55.120
<v Speaker 1>to feel seen. Okay, how do they do that? I

0:55:55.160 --> 0:55:58.160
<v Speaker 1>sometimes don't know, let me just ask. So one of

0:55:58.200 --> 0:56:00.600
<v Speaker 1>the things. Actually, so I stopped being stay home wife.

0:56:00.600 --> 0:56:02.560
<v Speaker 1>I stopped cooking for Tom. We laid out all of

0:56:02.600 --> 0:56:04.080
<v Speaker 1>our things of how we want to show up for

0:56:04.120 --> 0:56:07.160
<v Speaker 1>each other, and we changed and grow, or we both

0:56:07.239 --> 0:56:10.000
<v Speaker 1>change and grow. Since then, so only last year Tom

0:56:10.040 --> 0:56:13.239
<v Speaker 1>turned around to me and he said, you know what, babe, like,

0:56:14.000 --> 0:56:16.120
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I have a need that's unmet right now.

0:56:16.120 --> 0:56:17.760
<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh my god, what's the need, babe?

0:56:17.920 --> 0:56:20.600
<v Speaker 1>And he's like, I actually now miss that you don't

0:56:20.640 --> 0:56:21.160
<v Speaker 1>cook for me.

0:56:22.080 --> 0:56:22.279
<v Speaker 3>Right.

0:56:22.400 --> 0:56:23.919
<v Speaker 1>So we've been like fifteen years.

0:56:23.960 --> 0:56:24.840
<v Speaker 3>He's been fine with it.

0:56:25.320 --> 0:56:27.879
<v Speaker 1>But instead of me judging him, he told me I'm

0:56:27.880 --> 0:56:30.640
<v Speaker 1>not supposed to guess he just said that, And I said, okay, babe,

0:56:31.120 --> 0:56:33.200
<v Speaker 1>what does that look like? And he's like, I like

0:56:33.719 --> 0:56:36.200
<v Speaker 1>you to preempt my needs when it comes to food

0:56:36.680 --> 0:56:38.160
<v Speaker 1>and said okay. Instead of just leaving it at that,

0:56:38.280 --> 0:56:41.279
<v Speaker 1>I was like, okay, can I order Postmates? They have

0:56:41.400 --> 0:56:45.959
<v Speaker 1>it delivered with that satisfy the need and he's like, yeah,

0:56:46.000 --> 0:56:47.799
<v Speaker 1>you can, or do I have to cook it? He's like, no, no,

0:56:47.840 --> 0:56:50.160
<v Speaker 1>you can have postmtes. Okay, do I need to plate

0:56:50.239 --> 0:56:52.120
<v Speaker 1>it for you? Or can I leave it out on

0:56:52.120 --> 0:56:54.239
<v Speaker 1>the doorstep and just text you it's here? And he's like,

0:56:54.239 --> 0:56:57.160
<v Speaker 1>well if you can put it on like my kitchen counter,

0:56:57.360 --> 0:56:59.440
<v Speaker 1>like his little side and he's like that way I know.

0:56:59.480 --> 0:57:02.120
<v Speaker 1>It's like cool. Now I've heard you. I don't have

0:57:02.239 --> 0:57:04.799
<v Speaker 1>to assume I now don't have to go straight into

0:57:04.840 --> 0:57:07.400
<v Speaker 1>oh my god, he's now asking me to cook. I

0:57:07.400 --> 0:57:10.080
<v Speaker 1>don't want to cook. I went there. I was that person.

0:57:10.160 --> 0:57:11.759
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to get tracked. No, none of that.

0:57:12.120 --> 0:57:15.640
<v Speaker 1>We just broke it down bit by bit of understanding

0:57:15.960 --> 0:57:18.800
<v Speaker 1>what exactly that need looks like. Now here's the other part.

0:57:19.040 --> 0:57:22.160
<v Speaker 1>Maybe I'm not willing to do it, And in that moment,

0:57:22.280 --> 0:57:24.760
<v Speaker 1>I just would have said, right now, that actually doesn't

0:57:24.760 --> 0:57:27.040
<v Speaker 1>fit my lifestyle of what I need to show up.

0:57:27.400 --> 0:57:29.920
<v Speaker 1>So how do we find a compromise. Is there a

0:57:29.960 --> 0:57:32.600
<v Speaker 1>compromise or is it Sorry, I'm unable to do it,

0:57:32.640 --> 0:57:35.000
<v Speaker 1>but what if I do it for three weeks on

0:57:36.080 --> 0:57:38.880
<v Speaker 1>a holiday? Right now? Come up with ways that you're

0:57:38.920 --> 0:57:41.560
<v Speaker 1>not just shutting the other person down. You're hearing their

0:57:41.680 --> 0:57:44.160
<v Speaker 1>needs and they feel heard that you're trying to find

0:57:44.200 --> 0:57:47.960
<v Speaker 1>a solution because ultimately, I think not to just stereotype,

0:57:48.040 --> 0:57:51.080
<v Speaker 1>but typically I think women want to feel seen, they

0:57:51.080 --> 0:57:53.760
<v Speaker 1>want to feel safe, they want to feel needed, and

0:57:53.760 --> 0:57:58.640
<v Speaker 1>they want to feel appreciated. It's not the money, it's

0:57:58.680 --> 0:58:00.400
<v Speaker 1>not the height that a lot of people are saying

0:58:00.400 --> 0:58:03.360
<v Speaker 1>they need to be six foot and then seven figures. No. No,

0:58:03.840 --> 0:58:07.600
<v Speaker 1>If you really do stop and pause and ask your

0:58:07.640 --> 0:58:11.080
<v Speaker 1>partner how they can feel those roles, then you can

0:58:11.120 --> 0:58:14.960
<v Speaker 1>start to actually create a beautiful relationship on the long term.

0:58:15.040 --> 0:58:16.680
<v Speaker 1>And then the same for a guy. Obviously I don't know,

0:58:16.680 --> 0:58:18.640
<v Speaker 1>and I'd love to hear your thoughts, but I've tried

0:58:18.640 --> 0:58:20.600
<v Speaker 1>to process. What is it that I think a guy needs.

0:58:20.720 --> 0:58:23.640
<v Speaker 1>They want to feel appreciated, they want to feel powerful,

0:58:23.840 --> 0:58:28.280
<v Speaker 1>not controlling powerful, and they want to be respected.

0:58:29.000 --> 0:58:30.000
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I'd agree with that.

0:58:30.080 --> 0:58:33.080
<v Speaker 1>And so knowing, Okay, if that's actually what you want,

0:58:33.480 --> 0:58:34.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm just going to say it. People may hate it,

0:58:34.960 --> 0:58:36.920
<v Speaker 1>but I just go to truth. How do I make

0:58:36.960 --> 0:58:39.919
<v Speaker 1>you feel powerful? That's what I would ask Tom. How

0:58:39.920 --> 0:58:42.360
<v Speaker 1>do I make you feel powerful. What are the things

0:58:42.400 --> 0:58:44.240
<v Speaker 1>that you need now? Again? I then go back to

0:58:44.280 --> 0:58:46.400
<v Speaker 1>my value systems. I say, does this align with me?

0:58:46.880 --> 0:58:48.880
<v Speaker 1>But I'm not going to guess. I want to make

0:58:48.920 --> 0:58:52.160
<v Speaker 1>sure that my husband's happy and that we're always constantly

0:58:52.200 --> 0:58:54.880
<v Speaker 1>in alignment. And when you've been together for twenty three years,

0:58:55.160 --> 0:58:57.720
<v Speaker 1>I may him when I was twenty one, We've built

0:58:57.840 --> 0:59:01.160
<v Speaker 1>multiple companies together, So how the hell have we been

0:59:01.240 --> 0:59:04.680
<v Speaker 1>able to stay so aligned. It's these little things that

0:59:04.760 --> 0:59:07.840
<v Speaker 1>people may be embarrassed to do, maybe shamed to do,

0:59:08.280 --> 0:59:09.480
<v Speaker 1>or they don't want to do it.

0:59:10.240 --> 0:59:12.560
<v Speaker 4>That's the reality. That's the reality.

0:59:12.760 --> 0:59:19.080
<v Speaker 2>We want something but we either feel guilty, shameful, embarrassed,

0:59:19.200 --> 0:59:22.040
<v Speaker 2>or uncomfortable to ask for it, and then we take

0:59:22.080 --> 0:59:24.840
<v Speaker 2>that feeling out on our partner for not knowing it,

0:59:25.160 --> 0:59:27.320
<v Speaker 2>and we get triggered when they say something like I

0:59:27.360 --> 0:59:30.640
<v Speaker 2>wish you'd cook for me Again, that triggers all of

0:59:30.680 --> 0:59:34.840
<v Speaker 2>our PTSD from that time and now it's like, how

0:59:34.840 --> 0:59:36.160
<v Speaker 2>can you even ask me to do that? You know

0:59:36.200 --> 0:59:40.040
<v Speaker 2>how hard that was for me, not realizing it's just

0:59:40.080 --> 0:59:42.360
<v Speaker 2>a suggestion, it's just an idea, It's coming from a

0:59:42.360 --> 0:59:45.280
<v Speaker 2>good It's that space that I think we've been talking

0:59:45.320 --> 0:59:47.919
<v Speaker 2>about today is can you kind of create a safe

0:59:47.920 --> 0:59:52.919
<v Speaker 2>space to have these uncomfortable conversations without any shame or guilt, right, And.

0:59:52.840 --> 0:59:56.800
<v Speaker 1>That becomes the foundation that ultimately selection matters. Who you

0:59:56.880 --> 0:59:59.760
<v Speaker 1>choose to be with will absolutely dictate the outcome of

0:59:59.760 --> 1:00:02.120
<v Speaker 1>your li relationship. And so I used to say the

1:00:02.200 --> 1:00:04.600
<v Speaker 1>key to a relationship is communication. I don't actually think

1:00:04.640 --> 1:00:07.640
<v Speaker 1>it is. I think it's a growth mindset. Because if

1:00:07.680 --> 1:00:09.480
<v Speaker 1>you do not have a growth mindset, no matter how

1:00:09.560 --> 1:00:12.160
<v Speaker 1>much I communicate. You said that earlier, right, they may

1:00:12.200 --> 1:00:14.600
<v Speaker 1>not be able to respond. Now, think of all the

1:00:14.680 --> 1:00:17.000
<v Speaker 1>hurdles and humps that we've been through in our relationship.

1:00:17.240 --> 1:00:21.120
<v Speaker 1>How have we survived those because we are open to

1:00:21.360 --> 1:00:26.040
<v Speaker 1>having the hard conversations. We're open to communicate and endlessly

1:00:26.400 --> 1:00:28.640
<v Speaker 1>until we get to the solution. One of the rules,

1:00:28.680 --> 1:00:29.959
<v Speaker 1>So Tom and I have had a bunch of rules.

1:00:29.960 --> 1:00:32.360
<v Speaker 1>One of the rules is never apologize if you don't

1:00:32.400 --> 1:00:36.560
<v Speaker 1>mean it. And even in the moments of I'm deeply upset,

1:00:37.080 --> 1:00:40.440
<v Speaker 1>he absolutely can say, baby, I know if I just

1:00:40.520 --> 1:00:42.440
<v Speaker 1>apologize to you right now, I know that you're going

1:00:42.480 --> 1:00:45.360
<v Speaker 1>to feel better. But I can't apologize because I'm not

1:00:45.440 --> 1:00:48.520
<v Speaker 1>sorry for it. And what that does is that absolutely

1:00:48.560 --> 1:00:51.680
<v Speaker 1>elongates the conversation, the argument. It may go now now,

1:00:51.720 --> 1:00:54.920
<v Speaker 1>for two days, three days, but ultimately we're not brushing

1:00:54.920 --> 1:00:58.520
<v Speaker 1>it under the rug. We actually resolve it and go, Okay,

1:00:58.840 --> 1:01:01.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm still very hurt, but let me actually work through

1:01:01.640 --> 1:01:04.560
<v Speaker 1>that hurt. Why am I hurt? Why was I triggered?

1:01:04.760 --> 1:01:06.760
<v Speaker 1>Why did you say that? You know? And then we

1:01:07.000 --> 1:01:09.600
<v Speaker 1>just peel away the onion, peel away the onion to

1:01:09.680 --> 1:01:11.960
<v Speaker 1>get to that core. But it all comes from that

1:01:12.080 --> 1:01:14.640
<v Speaker 1>growth mindset. And if you don't have it, no matter

1:01:14.640 --> 1:01:17.000
<v Speaker 1>how much you discuss it, you're going to hit a

1:01:17.000 --> 1:01:18.720
<v Speaker 1>wall where you cannot be seen or hurt.

1:01:19.120 --> 1:01:24.240
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, Lisa, you are amazing. The book everyone is called

1:01:24.320 --> 1:01:28.360
<v Speaker 2>Radical Confidence. Eleven lessons on how to get the relationship, career,

1:01:28.400 --> 1:01:30.480
<v Speaker 2>and life you want. Today we did a deep dev

1:01:30.520 --> 1:01:33.400
<v Speaker 2>on relationships, which I loved. But when you open up

1:01:33.400 --> 1:01:37.000
<v Speaker 2>this book, you learn how to handle your negative voice,

1:01:37.320 --> 1:01:40.800
<v Speaker 2>how you can overcome failure, how you can actually work

1:01:40.880 --> 1:01:44.320
<v Speaker 2>through your emotions and understanding them. Setting your value system

1:01:44.400 --> 1:01:47.240
<v Speaker 2>is a big part of this book. Breaking through your beliefs,

1:01:47.280 --> 1:01:50.920
<v Speaker 2>building that growth mindset is all inside this book called

1:01:51.000 --> 1:01:53.640
<v Speaker 2>Radical Confidence. If you didn't get grab a copy two

1:01:53.680 --> 1:01:56.240
<v Speaker 2>years ago. Make sure you grab a copy right now.

1:01:56.880 --> 1:01:59.960
<v Speaker 2>If you don't already subscribe to and watch Women of Impact,

1:02:00.200 --> 1:02:00.800
<v Speaker 2>make sure you go.

1:02:00.760 --> 1:02:01.920
<v Speaker 4>And do that as well.

1:02:02.640 --> 1:02:04.640
<v Speaker 2>Lisa, it's always such aed you were talking to you,

1:02:04.680 --> 1:02:08.400
<v Speaker 2>because it's so lived. Everything you share is such lived experience,

1:02:08.400 --> 1:02:10.440
<v Speaker 2>and I know you live by it because I know

1:02:10.520 --> 1:02:13.280
<v Speaker 2>you and Tom, and on top of that, it's just

1:02:13.320 --> 1:02:19.160
<v Speaker 2>so real. And I love having these really pragmatic, practical

1:02:19.240 --> 1:02:25.520
<v Speaker 2>conversations around topics that can be very ethereal and uncomfortable

1:02:25.560 --> 1:02:27.600
<v Speaker 2>and woo woo and kind of a bit like oh,

1:02:27.680 --> 1:02:31.480
<v Speaker 2>you know, and to be honest manipulative and controlling, like oh,

1:02:31.520 --> 1:02:33.600
<v Speaker 2>if you want him to do this, do this, if

1:02:33.640 --> 1:02:35.760
<v Speaker 2>you want her to And it's almost like you actually

1:02:35.800 --> 1:02:38.600
<v Speaker 2>can't get anyone to do anything. All you can do

1:02:38.800 --> 1:02:41.320
<v Speaker 2>is all you can do is accept them for who

1:02:41.400 --> 1:02:43.800
<v Speaker 2>they are or not. And I think when we're having

1:02:43.840 --> 1:02:46.920
<v Speaker 2>these conversations, I'm really hoping that everyone walks away with

1:02:48.600 --> 1:02:54.440
<v Speaker 2>an understanding of what type of quality of interaction and

1:02:54.680 --> 1:02:57.960
<v Speaker 2>conversation to have with the individual. And the growth mindset

1:02:57.960 --> 1:03:02.840
<v Speaker 2>point is in a relationship is huge, huge, because adaptability

1:03:02.880 --> 1:03:06.760
<v Speaker 2>and flexibility is at the core of anything long term,

1:03:07.080 --> 1:03:08.760
<v Speaker 2>and I've seen that with me and Raley too.

1:03:08.800 --> 1:03:09.880
<v Speaker 4>There is just there.

1:03:10.040 --> 1:03:13.200
<v Speaker 2>I realize it all the time. It's things would only

1:03:13.280 --> 1:03:17.320
<v Speaker 2>never work if we lost our flexibility and adaptability, and

1:03:17.360 --> 1:03:20.880
<v Speaker 2>that's all growth mindset you have to And it's so

1:03:21.000 --> 1:03:23.240
<v Speaker 2>interesting how so often we don't want to be flexible

1:03:23.240 --> 1:03:25.120
<v Speaker 2>and adapt to one by the way, that's okay too.

1:03:25.800 --> 1:03:28.640
<v Speaker 2>So Lisa, thank you so much for showing up as

1:03:28.680 --> 1:03:32.320
<v Speaker 2>always and just shedding someone's clarity on a really difficult topic.

1:03:32.560 --> 1:03:36.440
<v Speaker 1>Thank you, Jay, thank you for having me. You're You're

1:03:36.520 --> 1:03:39.120
<v Speaker 1>such a good dude. I freaking love you. I love

1:03:39.240 --> 1:03:43.800
<v Speaker 1>Raddy like we're connected from day one, and the support

1:03:43.840 --> 1:03:46.000
<v Speaker 1>and human that you are. I just want to say

1:03:46.000 --> 1:03:48.520
<v Speaker 1>thank you for always being there as a friend.

1:03:48.920 --> 1:03:51.600
<v Speaker 2>Thank you always always have you and anyone who's been

1:03:51.600 --> 1:03:54.240
<v Speaker 2>listening and watching. Make sure you tag me and Lisa

1:03:54.360 --> 1:03:57.520
<v Speaker 2>on Instagram, on TikTok, on ex whatever platform you're on

1:03:57.600 --> 1:03:59.960
<v Speaker 2>in the YouTube comments. Let us know what resonated with you,

1:04:00.200 --> 1:04:02.320
<v Speaker 2>what's stuck with you, what you're trying out with your

1:04:02.360 --> 1:04:06.040
<v Speaker 2>partner or potential partner. Please pass this on to a friend,

1:04:06.200 --> 1:04:08.720
<v Speaker 2>someone in a relationship who's struggling, who's going through a

1:04:08.760 --> 1:04:11.240
<v Speaker 2>tough time. I really believe it will give them the

1:04:11.280 --> 1:04:14.320
<v Speaker 2>tools and the resources that they need to navigate and

1:04:14.360 --> 1:04:16.520
<v Speaker 2>guide them through. And of course go and grab your

1:04:16.520 --> 1:04:20.000
<v Speaker 2>copy of Radical Confidence. It's available in paperback right now.

1:04:20.120 --> 1:04:23.320
<v Speaker 2>Thanks so much everyone. Thanks Lisa than Say. If you

1:04:23.400 --> 1:04:26.880
<v Speaker 2>love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel

1:04:26.920 --> 1:04:30.320
<v Speaker 2>Ahman on how to change your life by changing your brain.

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<v Speaker 5>If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with

1:04:35.840 --> 1:04:39.040
<v Speaker 5>a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or

1:04:39.080 --> 1:04:43.520
<v Speaker 5>the curse to scam. Over one thousand convicted felons and

1:04:43.680 --> 1:04:48.600
<v Speaker 5>over one hundred murderers and their brands are very damage.

1:04:49.640 --> 1:04:52.720
<v Speaker 2>For Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the

1:04:52.800 --> 1:04:56.280
<v Speaker 2>National Alliance of Mental Illness No ME. If you're someone

1:04:56.280 --> 1:04:59.200
<v Speaker 2>you know is struggling with mental health, there is help.

1:04:59.320 --> 1:05:03.680
<v Speaker 2>Call nom Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI or

1:05:03.800 --> 1:05:08.040
<v Speaker 2>go to www. Dot name dot org, forward slash help,

1:05:08.200 --> 1:05:11.800
<v Speaker 2>or text Helpline to six two six four zero for

1:05:11.880 --> 1:05:15.200
<v Speaker 2>immediate twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text

1:05:15.360 --> 1:05:19.760
<v Speaker 2>nine eight eight or visit www. Dot nine eight eight

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<v Speaker 2>lifeline dot org