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Speaker 1: It's imperative when you get into a relationship before you

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Speaker 1: commit who leads and who follows. Think about in dancing,

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Speaker 1: you can't have two leaders. You just can't think about

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Speaker 1: running a company. You can't have two CEOs. You have

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Speaker 1: to have that moment of who is leading and who

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Speaker 1: is following.

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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, I've got some huge news to share with you.

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Speaker 2: In the last ninety days, seventy nine point four percent

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Speaker 2: to access. By hitting the subscribe button, you're creating a

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Speaker 2: habit of learning how to be happier, healthier, and more healed.

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Speaker 2: This would also mean the absolute world to me and

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Speaker 2: help us make better, bigger, brighter content for you and

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Speaker 2: the world.

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Speaker 3: Subscribe right now the number one health and wellness podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Shed Jay Sheddy Only Shed.

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Speaker 3: Everyone.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to on Purpose, the place you come to

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Speaker 2: become a happier, healthier and more healed. Thanks for tuning

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Speaker 2: in again. I'm so grateful. Whether you're watching this live,

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Speaker 2: whether you're listening to me, I appreciate you deeply today's guest.

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Speaker 2: I believe this is her third time on the show,

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Speaker 2: which is epic. It's because she's one of my favorite

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Speaker 2: people offline and I love these online transitions and conversations

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Speaker 2: with her. I'm speaking about Lisa Billu, an entrepreneur, producer,

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Speaker 2: best selling author, public speaker, and host. Lisa co founded

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Speaker 2: the billion dollar brand Quest Nutrition and his co founder

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Speaker 2: and president of Impact Theory Studios. Lisa built a global

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Speaker 2: audience while creating an impressive state of content that has

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Speaker 2: been viewed over half a billion times. This includes Lisa's

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Speaker 2: hit digital series Women of Impact, a show that features

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Speaker 2: extraordinary guests who, through their stories and expertise, help viewers

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Speaker 2: build their confidence. I've been lucky enough to be a

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Speaker 2: guest on the show. Lisa is one of my dear friends,

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Speaker 2: and I'm so excited to announce that her book is

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Speaker 2: out in paperback right now, Radical Confidence. It includes a

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Speaker 2: brand new chapter. So if you want eleven lessons on

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Speaker 2: how to get the relationship, career and life you want,

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Speaker 2: this is the book to grab. If you didn't grab

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Speaker 2: the first time, now's the time to grab it. It's

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Speaker 2: cheaper too, because it's in paperback. Welcome to the show

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Speaker 2: Lisa BILLYO Lisa, so good to see it.

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Speaker 1: Jay my brother from another mother.

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Speaker 3: Oh, I love it, I love it.

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Speaker 4: It's always good. You know.

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Speaker 2: It's like you walked in and we were already having

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Speaker 2: an amazing conversation and then we were like, oh wait, wait,

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Speaker 2: wait wait, let's let's let's start the real podcast. Lisa,

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Speaker 2: I think confidence is such a important and powerful topic.

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Speaker 2: I wanted to ask you because I think there's so

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Speaker 2: much material and you do so many interviews around confidence

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Speaker 2: and what it means and what it feels like. How

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Speaker 2: do you define confidence for you and what does it

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Speaker 2: mean to you? And what is something that people can

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Speaker 2: think of because I think everyone has a different view

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Speaker 2: of the word confidence.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think most people actually have the misinterpretation of all

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Speaker 1: confidence actually is because they usually and I was culprit

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Speaker 1: of this when I was a stay at home WiFi

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Speaker 1: eight years. I thought I needed it to get started,

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Speaker 1: and I thought I needed the confidence to live out

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Speaker 1: my dreams, to actually go towards my goals. And I

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Speaker 1: was waiting to have the confidence, and that I think

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Speaker 1: is a complete misconception. Is what actually is holding so

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Speaker 1: many of us back from trying anything and what I

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Speaker 1: realized was in my own journey, I actually just need

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Speaker 1: to take action. I needed to go into something very insecure,

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Speaker 1: not knowing what I was doing. Practice and practice and practicing,

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Speaker 1: you know, wax on, whax off my favorite movie Karate Kid,

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Speaker 1: and get so damn good that I build the competence

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Speaker 1: to then lead to confidence. So the truth is the

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Speaker 1: confidence is the byproduct of taking action, and a lot

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Speaker 1: of us don't think of it like that. We think

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Speaker 1: it's going to be the magic bullet that's going to

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Speaker 1: get us to actually take that action at the beginning.

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Speaker 1: And so that's where I actually reshaped and how I

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Speaker 1: rethought of the word confidence. And then also for me,

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Speaker 1: confidence is like an If you don't keep practicing it,

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Speaker 1: you won't actually get strong at it. And if you

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Speaker 1: stop practicing, you will get weaker. And just like when

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Speaker 1: you go to the gym, you may practice like your

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Speaker 1: biceps or your legs. It's a different mechanism to practice

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Speaker 1: working your calves than practice in your bicep. So that

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Speaker 1: is what confidence is. It's not you get confidence in

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Speaker 1: one area and you're good to go. It's like you

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Speaker 1: get confidence maybe being in front of the camera, but

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Speaker 1: being in front of the camera. As you know, jay

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Speaker 1: is very different than being on stage. So when someone

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Speaker 1: sees maybe you've got confidence in one area, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you've got confidence everywhere else. And I think people,

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Speaker 1: if it's you and you're thinking about it, you may

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Speaker 1: then think that you're incompetent, or you're no good, or

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Speaker 1: like it's just well, I don't have the gene, so

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Speaker 1: I may as well not get started. But the truth is,

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Speaker 1: identify where you can't want the confidence, get started, build

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Speaker 1: that competence, and then eventually it will breed confidence.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely, I can agree with you more.

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Speaker 2: I remember once looking at the definition of confidence in

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Speaker 2: the dictionary, and one of the definitions is an appreciation

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Speaker 2: of one's own abilities, skills, and qualities. I really like

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Speaker 2: that definition, like it's actually self validation. The confidence is

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Speaker 2: being able to look at yourself and say, I'm good

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Speaker 2: at this. I'm actually a kind person, I'm a thoughtful person,

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Speaker 2: I am a good public speaker, I am a best

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Speaker 2: selling author, whatever it may be. And you're almost validating

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Speaker 2: a skill, quality, or attribute you have by yourself. And

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Speaker 2: I think it's so interesting, and you're right. I think

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Speaker 2: we've viewed confidences how do other people feel about us?

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Speaker 2: So we look at it as like, oh, that person

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Speaker 2: looks so confident because they're like walking out their car,

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Speaker 2: they got that swag, they're like dripping in great clothes

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Speaker 2: or whatever it may be. And we see that as confidence.

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Speaker 2: But we know that that person could be sitting in

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Speaker 2: there going, oh, I'm not the right size, I'm overweight, underweight,

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Speaker 2: I'm whatever else it may be, criticizing themselves.

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Speaker 4: I was wondering, what.

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Speaker 2: Is something that took you the longest in your life

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Speaker 2: to build confidence around?

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Speaker 1: Ooh, I'm ever evolving. But I think it really was

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Speaker 1: to believe in myself that I'm capable. And that all

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Speaker 1: started from because I was a stay at home wife

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Speaker 1: for eight years. And I want to just make sure

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Speaker 1: that I say this though there's nothing wrong with being

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Speaker 1: a stay home wife at all. It's actually one of

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Speaker 1: the hardest jobs that was for me, but I didn't

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Speaker 1: want it. That actually wasn't my dream. It was I

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Speaker 1: felt like it was sucking the life out of me.

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Speaker 1: So as that staying home wife, I didn't make any

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Speaker 1: change because I didn't feel like I was capable of anything.

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Speaker 1: Because I was so insecure that voice in my head

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Speaker 1: was so negative, Jay telling me all the reasons why

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Speaker 1: I was no good to try anything, and so in

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Speaker 1: order for me to build my confidence to move forward,

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, what if I am bad? Who cares?

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Speaker 1: You have to actually practice? Why do I think that

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Speaker 1: I can be amazing at something?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: If someone looks at you and they're like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: he's such an amazing podcaster, You've been doing it years

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Speaker 1: and years and years and years. So when someone looks

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Speaker 1: at you and let's say they're comparing their beginning to

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Speaker 1: your middle or your end, you will feel incompetent. And

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Speaker 1: so for me, I had to stop looking outside of

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Speaker 1: myself at all the amazing people because I believed I

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Speaker 1: wasn't good enough to try, And so I had to

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Speaker 1: build the internal confidence to take that action, to actually

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Speaker 1: just try and understand that it's going to be a process.

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Speaker 1: And without that, I never would have got out of

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Speaker 1: what I call purgatory of the mundane, when my life

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Speaker 1: is just mundane enough and so I'm just stuck there

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Speaker 1: day in and day out. And that idea that even

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Speaker 1: if you don't feel good enough, you can still take action,

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Speaker 1: I think was the biggest thing that was the hardest

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Speaker 1: for me because I didn't want to get bullied. I

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Speaker 1: was already bullied as a kid for my looks from

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Speaker 1: other women, So you can imagine me trying anything. That

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Speaker 1: fear of being bullied from other girls was so petrifying

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Speaker 1: that I didn't even want to take a chance, and

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Speaker 1: so realizing A have to build that within myself. And

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Speaker 1: you said the word validate actually earlier. That word really

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Speaker 1: sticks with me with me because I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of us wait for validation external validation. We wait for

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Speaker 1: someone to tell us that we're a good Greek wife

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Speaker 1: or an amazing husband or a fantastic wife, and that

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Speaker 1: can actually hold us where we are because I was

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Speaker 1: so seeking validation from everybody else, and at the time,

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Speaker 1: I was getting validation from being that stay at home wife,

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Speaker 1: And so you can imagine I have low self esteem.

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Speaker 1: I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm good enough,

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Speaker 1: and everyone's validating me for this one thing, even though

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Speaker 1: I don't like that one thing. That validation, that feeling

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Speaker 1: good about yourself is what kept me there. So I

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Speaker 1: think the trick is is how do you make sure

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Speaker 1: that you validate yourself? And that became the path for

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Speaker 1: me building my confidence every single day. What am I

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Speaker 1: going to do today to validate myself? Not get validation

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Speaker 1: from my partner, from my boyfriend from the exit? How

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Speaker 1: many likes I got on Instagram? No, no, how can

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Speaker 1: I validate myself? And that became my north star versus

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Speaker 1: everyone else making me feel good about myself.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, I mean, how did you get the courage to

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Speaker 2: admit to yourself that you weren't happy in that moment?

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Speaker 2: Because I feel like a lot of people, friends that

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Speaker 2: I know people have in my life will kind of

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Speaker 2: tell themselves the story and we have to because you

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Speaker 2: have to survive and you need a coping mechanism, and

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Speaker 2: we'll just be like, no, I'm all right, I'm okay, Nah,

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Speaker 2: you know this is life, Like it's all right, this

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Speaker 2: is my you know, this is my lot in life,

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Speaker 2: and this is what I have to do, and this

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Speaker 2: is just how it is. And we say these things

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Speaker 2: because we're scared of what maybe on the other side

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Speaker 2: of admitting to ourselves that actually where I am is

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Speaker 2: not where I want to be, and we kind of

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Speaker 2: supplement it with, oh, everyone thinks I'm doing all right,

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Speaker 2: so of course I can't be doing that badly. How

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Speaker 2: do you kind of get the courage to say, you

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Speaker 2: know what, I don't want this life, because I think

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Speaker 2: that statement requires a lot of courage, And I know

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Speaker 2: I was scared to admit it to myself. When I

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Speaker 2: was I'd already left the monastery. I was in a

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Speaker 2: corporate job. It was safe, it was stable, it was sturdy.

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Speaker 2: Career progression was obvious, and here I was going. And

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Speaker 2: by the way, I was so scared I would never

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Speaker 2: get a job after leaving the monastery. So even having

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Speaker 2: a job, I was very grateful because no one would

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Speaker 2: give me one. So now for me to be like, okay,

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Speaker 2: I need to break this away and everyone's like, wait

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Speaker 2: a minute, you're lucky to have a job.

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Speaker 4: Bro, you didn't work for three years.

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Speaker 2: So how did you get the courage to admit to

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Speaker 2: yourself I'm not happy here?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So I love this question because it's such a small

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Speaker 1: dripping effect, and I liken it to water dripping on

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Speaker 1: a stone. A couple of jobs, not a big deal.

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Speaker 1: Over time you do that year after year after year,

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Speaker 1: what happens to that rock? It actually starts to change

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Speaker 1: its shape. And that's what I started to realize. Me

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Speaker 1: ignoring my happiness, ignoring what I actually wanted, started to

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Speaker 1: change the shape of how I saw myself. And after

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Speaker 1: eight years, I didn't look like what was looking back

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Speaker 1: at me in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself because

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Speaker 1: I wasn't speaking up, I wasn't having my voice. And

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Speaker 1: so there were a couple of things that I realized

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Speaker 1: that really became like the straw that broke the camel's back,

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Speaker 1: if you will. One of them was I was using gratitude,

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Speaker 1: which I love. Right, It's like, be grateful for the

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Speaker 1: things you have because there are other people out that

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Speaker 1: don't have that. So the first couple of years from

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Speaker 1: in my marriage, I was using gratitude, even though I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to be the state at home wife. Now

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Speaker 1: that looked like, my God, I don't like being a

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Speaker 1: state I don't like cooking and cleaning. But actually, I'm

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Speaker 1: so grateful I have a husband that loves me. My God,

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Speaker 1: the amount of people that don't have that healthy relationship.

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful I've got a roof

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Speaker 1: over my head. I'm so grateful. Filling the blank and

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Speaker 1: that was wonderful become year four year five year, six

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Speaker 1: year seven, that gratitude started to really turn its head

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Speaker 1: into almost toxic gratitude, which every time that voice that

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Speaker 1: was speaking, are you happy, Lisa, like you don't seem happy?

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Speaker 1: I would use the gratitude to shut her down. And

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Speaker 1: that looked like, how ungratefully you? How ungratefully are you

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Speaker 1: that you want something else when you've got a husband

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Speaker 1: that loves you. How ungratefully you, Lisa? You want to

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Speaker 1: go out in the workforce when you don't have to.

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Speaker 1: So that voice, that gratitude started to come really toxic,

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Speaker 1: and so identifying that allowing the voice in my head

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Speaker 1: to just turn up the volume, allow her to actually speak.

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Speaker 1: Because we've been taught, especially for me growing up Greek

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Speaker 1: orthodox is you live in service of everybody else. You

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Speaker 1: live in service of the family, the husband, the kids,

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Speaker 1: and so you put yourself last. And I started to realize,

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Speaker 1: this voice is getting louder. What happens if I actually

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Speaker 1: start to listen to her? What does that look like?

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Speaker 1: Because I'm such a self ownership person, and so if

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Speaker 1: I'm unhappy, what am I going to do about it?

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Speaker 1: What choices am I going to make different that's going

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Speaker 1: to lead me to a different outcome, and I started

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Speaker 1: to realize it was all on me. I hadn't spoken

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Speaker 1: up and told tom my husband that I was unhappy.

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Speaker 1: So let's just address step one. Acknowledge Lisa, you're unhappy

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Speaker 1: without shame and guilt. Acknowledge it to myself. That was

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Speaker 1: step one. Then acknowledge it to my husband. I love

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Speaker 1: you more than life it's self, babe, but I don't

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Speaker 1: want to cook for you and clean for you anymore.

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Speaker 1: Voicing that having the strength the courage you said that earlier,

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Speaker 1: having the courage to really own where you are instead

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Speaker 1: of sitting in the shame was a massive thing. And

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Speaker 1: then the final thing is just project your life out.

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Speaker 1: What does it look like if you don't make a

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Speaker 1: change in a year, in five years, and ten years

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Speaker 1: and twenty years. And the truth is I would have

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Speaker 1: been doing the same thing. I would have then slipped

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Speaker 1: into being a mother. I would because that's what my

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Speaker 1: culture told me. And then I would have slipped into

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Speaker 1: given over to the children and the husband. And in

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Speaker 1: ten twenty years, I'm exactly where I am, just on

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Speaker 1: a different scale. And those elements were the things that

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh will no one's coming to save you.

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Speaker 1: No one's going to come and change your life for you.

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Speaker 1: So what am I going to do now to make

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Speaker 1: that change?

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Speaker 2: That resonates so deeply? And I love that you brought

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Speaker 2: up that toxic gratitude point because it's so interesting how

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Speaker 2: we somehow deep down believe we deserve so little, right like,

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Speaker 2: and whether it's conditioning where we grew up, there's there's

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Speaker 2: a sense inside of us. And by the way I

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Speaker 2: can relate to all of that, we grew up in

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Speaker 2: the same area. We've talked about this before.

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Speaker 1: I block away from me literally.

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Speaker 2: And you know, I kind of like when people ask

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Speaker 2: me now, like, you know, how does it feel? And everything,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I actually never in a million years believed

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Speaker 2: that any of this would ever be possible, or even

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Speaker 2: that I even had a dream for it.

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Speaker 4: I don't even think I dreamed this big.

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Speaker 2: And there was a part of me that just was

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Speaker 2: okay with whatever would have come and whatever would have

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Speaker 2: been and what everyone around me was doing. And now

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Speaker 2: I see that that was because somewhere deep inside of myself,

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Speaker 2: I was hampering my potential. I was restricting my desire

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Speaker 2: because it's almost like you're so scared that it may

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Speaker 2: never happen that you'd rather not allow the possibility.

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Speaker 4: Does that make sense?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, the fear of failure is actually or failing is

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Speaker 1: actually worse than the fear of failing. So you're like,

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Speaker 1: wells were sitting the fear of failing, the actually fail

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Speaker 1: and have everyone see it.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 3: Hey everyone, it's Jay here.

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Speaker 2: My wife and I have had so much fun creating

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Speaker 2: our own sparkling tea Juni, and I've got big news

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Speaker 2: for you. It's at Target and we'd love your support.

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Speaker 2: If you can go out grab a Juny. You'll be

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Speaker 2: adding adaptagens and new tropics into your life with mood

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Speaker 2: boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and happy mind.

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Speaker 2: Through our commitment to our wellness journey and striving to

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Speaker 2: fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, It's been our

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Speaker 2: purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, which is

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Speaker 2: why Juni is now on shelves at Target. So head

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Speaker 2: to our store locator at Drinkjuny dot com and find

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Speaker 2: Juny at a Target near you.

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Speaker 4: So for you, what was that? Like?

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Speaker 2: Like, I guess how have you dealt with that? Like

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Speaker 2: you've been on both ends now, Like you've been in

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Speaker 2: a place where you didn't even feel like you were

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Speaker 2: allowed to deserve a different life. You've now built one

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Speaker 2: of the most successful companies. You've built another incredible media company,

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Speaker 2: Like you know, it's you've now seen the other end.

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Speaker 2: How is your belief system changed around what you deserve

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Speaker 2: and what's possible?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it starts with frame of reference. So

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Speaker 1: people don't actually realize that they have a frame of reference.

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Speaker 1: And just to kind of explain, frame of reference is

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Speaker 1: just the way you see the world, the way you

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Speaker 1: think it ought to be, not the way it necessarily is.

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Speaker 1: And so my frame of reference is going to be

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Speaker 1: very different than your frame of reference. And so take,

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Speaker 1: for instance, the very first time I introduced Tom to

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Speaker 1: my family. So I've got very big, loud Greek family,

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Speaker 1: and everyone talks over each other. Everyone's yells at each other,

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Speaker 1: and so Tom comes and meets them, and that's the

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Speaker 1: family everyone's yelling, and so we leave and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, they clearly loved him, because they're clearly

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Speaker 1: very comfortable around him. So I can't wait to hear

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Speaker 1: how much he loves my family. So we get in

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Speaker 1: the calm, like, Babe, what do you think and he's like,

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Speaker 1: they were so disrespectful, and I was like what, And

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Speaker 1: he's like, I can't believe, Lisa, Everyone's just screaming and

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Speaker 1: yelling at each other. They asked me a question. They

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Speaker 1: don't listen. Frame of reference. My frame of reference. When

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Speaker 1: someone yells and screams like in a happy way, it's

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Speaker 1: actually a sign of greeting you, being comfortable around you.

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Speaker 1: But Tom's frame of reference is when someone's yelling, it

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Speaker 1: means disrespect. So that just gives an example of what

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Speaker 1: frame of reference means. So you don't actually question your

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Speaker 1: frame of reference. And I think that was the massive thing.

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Speaker 1: Is I still right now to this day, will now

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Speaker 1: every day question my frame of reference on the way

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Speaker 1: that I see things because maybe I'm missing something. So

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Speaker 1: being the stay at home wife, my frame of reference was, well,

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Speaker 1: this is what a woman does. You're going to have children,

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Speaker 1: you will get married. It didn't even dawn on me,

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Speaker 1: Jay that I could question whether I want kids or not.

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Speaker 1: It didn't dawn on me. And so going from that

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Speaker 1: to where I am now is because I literally will

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Speaker 1: question my frame of reference every day because it's your

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Speaker 1: frame of reference that gets in the way of you

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Speaker 1: having the dream. How many people say I can't. I

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Speaker 1: remember once I was coaching somebody and they were saying

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Speaker 1: about how they're building this business. And this woman she's

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Speaker 1: just had a baby, and she freaking loves that she's

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Speaker 1: building this business. She feels so good about herself and

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Speaker 1: her dad. Every day wouold has a key comes in

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Speaker 1: her house and would sit down at dinner and basically

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Speaker 1: say that she was a neglectful mother. And she's like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what to do, Lisa, And I said, Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: he's got a key to your house. Either tell your

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Speaker 1: dad that he has to be per set boundaries or

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Speaker 1: he doesn't get the key to your house. She's like,

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Speaker 1: I can't do that. I'm like, yes, you can, you

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Speaker 1: just don't want to. Your frame of reference may be

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Speaker 1: that I'm a terrible daughter if I take the keys

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Speaker 1: away from my dad, But how is it serving you?

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Speaker 1: And so that I think was the massive thing that

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Speaker 1: I realized that I had a frame of reference about life,

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Speaker 1: belief system, whatever you want to call it, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: it doesn't serve my dreams, my goals and where I

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Speaker 1: want to go. And so having the self awareness to

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Speaker 1: ask myself, where am I where do I want to go?

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Speaker 1: How am I going to get there? And what belief

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Speaker 1: system do I have that's either going to propel me

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Speaker 1: forward or hold me back?

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Speaker 4: What did you do in this?

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Speaker 2: I think another thing that and I know a lot

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Speaker 2: of women, especially struggle with this. What did you and

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Speaker 2: Tom done before the point that you could actually have

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Speaker 2: the courage and confidence to go and say to him,

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Speaker 2: I love you, but I don't want to cook and

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Speaker 2: clean anymore? Because to me, that kind of a transition

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Speaker 2: in most marriages or long term relationships, it could look

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Speaker 2: like I love you, I don't want to live here anymore,

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Speaker 2: I love you, I don't like this thing that you do.

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Speaker 2: I love you, but whatever, right?

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Speaker 4: Fill in the blank.

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Speaker 2: What had you and Tom done before that you felt

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Speaker 2: confident enough to say that that you knew it would land?

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Speaker 2: Or did you actually take a risk and you didn't

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Speaker 2: know at that point whether he'd react positively or negative?

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Speaker 2: Obviously now you've been together and all the rest of it,

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Speaker 2: But in that moment, did you know that he would

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Speaker 2: react well to it? Or did you take a risk

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Speaker 2: because it was so true to you?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, everything's a risk. You never how many times have

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Speaker 1: you spoken to someone you're like, I know exactly what

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Speaker 1: the hearse is going to be, and then like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you go to RADI right, and you're like all right,

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Speaker 1: and then she gives you a completely different response than

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Speaker 1: you ever expected. But you still know him for so

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Speaker 1: many years. So I didn't and there's never a guarantee.

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Speaker 1: But really I went into it going, Okay, how would

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Speaker 1: I want him to talk to me about this? Because

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Speaker 1: here's the thing. I need to be very self aware

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Speaker 1: that I'm about to make his life more difficult. So,

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Speaker 1: just to paint the picture, he would wake up, his

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Speaker 1: clothes were next to him, literally by his bedjay he

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Speaker 1: would put them on. He would go to the gym,

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Speaker 1: he'd come back his work clothes already, he'd get changed.

435
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,080
Speaker 1: I would hand him lunch to take to work so

436
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,959
Speaker 1: he didn't have to do anything in the house. So

437
00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:06,760
Speaker 1: I knew I can't pretend that his life isn't going

438
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,200
Speaker 1: to be worse. It is. I'm making his life more difficult,

439
00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:12,359
Speaker 1: so a have give him the grace that of course

440
00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,760
Speaker 1: he's going to have an opinion. Of course it's actually

441
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,280
Speaker 1: going to make his life more difficult.

442
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,399
Speaker 3: So give him even though it's unfair.

443
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: Exactly for you.

444
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,480
Speaker 2: Yes, you still are being empathetic and giving grace.

445
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: Of course, and even with the unfair though I agree

446
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,840
Speaker 1: to it, it wasn't like he was like forcing me

447
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,240
Speaker 1: to do it. So that's another thing I said, Yes,

448
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,800
Speaker 1: I also chose that life, so I had to take

449
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,240
Speaker 1: ownership over. I chose this as well. He didn't force

450
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,359
Speaker 1: me to. But now I want to make a change,

451
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:42,240
Speaker 1: So how do I do it? So giving him the

452
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,959
Speaker 1: grace that of course is going to have a feeling,

453
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:48,480
Speaker 1: and then understanding the idea of grief. Grief is where

454
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,680
Speaker 1: you have to let go of something, someone, something that

455
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 1: you didn't expect. And so he had an idea of

456
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 1: the wife that I was because I had painted that

457
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 1: idea for eight years. So I know he's going to

458
00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:05,520
Speaker 1: have to grieve the wife that I was. So giving

459
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,479
Speaker 1: him the space to grieve is super important. And then

460
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,520
Speaker 1: the last thing is almost like to say, by like

461
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,400
Speaker 1: a drug addicts, where you like wean them off. I

462
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:19,080
Speaker 1: was like, he's addicted in some way or habitual to

463
00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:21,239
Speaker 1: the fact that I would do this every day, and

464
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,639
Speaker 1: just like any habit, you cannot change that overnight. And

465
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,879
Speaker 1: so what I said to him is, look, here's a

466
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,840
Speaker 1: game plan. Maybe this will help. What if next week

467
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,480
Speaker 1: I'm just going to cook and clean for you six

468
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 1: days a week, and then the week after that, I'm

469
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,840
Speaker 1: going to do five days, four days, three days. Right,

470
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,000
Speaker 1: And so what that did was show him I was

471
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,840
Speaker 1: willing to work with him on the transition. And then

472
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:49,080
Speaker 1: the final piece is letting him know I'm not happy, babe,

473
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:53,480
Speaker 1: I'm profoundly unhappy. This isn't your fault. This is because

474
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 1: I made decisions, but now I need your help. Right,

475
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,719
Speaker 1: So I'm asking him to be a part of this

476
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,640
Speaker 1: and need your help because I'm not happy. I don't

477
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,080
Speaker 1: think I can do it alone. Now as my husband,

478
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,679
Speaker 1: he has the opportunity to be there for me instead

479
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,160
Speaker 1: of him being in his own in his own head,

480
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 1: selfish lives, like I can't believe he's like, oh my god,

481
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,720
Speaker 1: my wife is actually asking for help. So that helped

482
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,880
Speaker 1: peace was a big deal as well. And then overall,

483
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:21,000
Speaker 1: I think when you're approaching anything like this, how do

484
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 1: you see your relationship? I think relationships are like a

485
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,679
Speaker 1: game of tennis. You're playing a sport. You're playing the

486
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 1: same sport, but are you playing singles or doubles? If

487
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,440
Speaker 1: you're playing singles. You're both on each other side of

488
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,399
Speaker 1: the net and you're just hitting the ball back and forward,

489
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,680
Speaker 1: and ultimately only one of you can win. And you see,

490
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,200
Speaker 1: j I'm sure you've seen a lot of relationship where

491
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,640
Speaker 1: someone's just trying to make a little jab at them

492
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 1: and it's like it literally this back and forth. It's

493
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:49,399
Speaker 1: not coming together. But a game of doubles, you're on

494
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,879
Speaker 1: the same side. You either win together or you lose together.

495
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:55,760
Speaker 1: And if I'm weak, I tell you I'm weak, and

496
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 1: that's where you get stronger, and vice versa. So in

497
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 1: this moment, I'm saying to my husband, I don't know

498
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 1: what I'm doing, I don't know what the future looks like,

499
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:08,520
Speaker 1: but I'm not happy. I am weak metaphorically, I need

500
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,640
Speaker 1: your help. And so he turned around in having laid

501
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,359
Speaker 1: all that out being honest with each other. That's also

502
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:18,159
Speaker 1: the foundation. Is your relationship built on honesty. Once you

503
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,560
Speaker 1: had that discussion, his response was what kind of husband

504
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,199
Speaker 1: would I be if I put clean underwear ahead of

505
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:29,040
Speaker 1: your happiness? And that became the moment where he realized

506
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 1: we were in it together. I wasn't happy and he

507
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,000
Speaker 1: could help me navigate out of it and it came

508
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,200
Speaker 1: to that one day where he doesn't have clean underwear. Jay,

509
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 1: I didn't do laundry for like a month, and he

510
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 1: turns around and yells from in the other room, Babe,

511
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 1: I don't have any underwear. And in that moment, I

512
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:49,240
Speaker 1: paused and I was like, oh, no, is this where

513
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,439
Speaker 1: the truth comes out? And he's like, I can't believe

514
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,919
Speaker 1: as my wife, you don't give me clean underwear. And

515
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,640
Speaker 1: he turned around, he's like, so, I guess I'm going

516
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,399
Speaker 1: to work commandover and he goes to work with no

517
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 1: underwear on. Now, what that did was the way that

518
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,120
Speaker 1: I handled it, brought him in. We did it together.

519
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,119
Speaker 1: Made that moment was like a make up break. He

520
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,360
Speaker 1: could have been mad, he could have been like, see,

521
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,919
Speaker 1: I knew it. The resentment and contempt is like the

522
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,200
Speaker 1: two things that will identify I think by ninety percent

523
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 1: guarantee that a couple won't last is if you see

524
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:23,399
Speaker 1: resentment and contempt in a relationship. And so would that

525
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,879
Speaker 1: is exactly what would have happened. He would have built

526
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: contempt day by day that my wife isn't cooking, forming,

527
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:32,119
Speaker 1: my wife isn't cleaning, and one silly moment like I

528
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 1: don't have underwear could be that breaking point of that relationship,

529
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,399
Speaker 1: but because we'd set up that foundation, that moment that

530
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,800
Speaker 1: could have broken us actually brought us closer together.

531
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:45,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean that, But that is literally an emotional

532
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 2: maturity masterclass like that. It's incredible that you had that

533
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 2: emotional maturity then and that Tom did too, and obviously,

534
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,399
Speaker 2: you know you see it in your continued success of

535
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 2: your relationship in marriage. But I wish everyone have a

536
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,359
Speaker 2: conversation like that, because here's how it usually would go.

537
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,320
Speaker 2: You'd have the realization that you're not happy. You'd probably

538
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,399
Speaker 2: suck it up and live with it for a bit longer.

539
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,639
Speaker 2: Then you'd go up to me and be like, I

540
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,080
Speaker 2: can't believe you've controlled me for the last eight to

541
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,639
Speaker 2: ten years. I can't believe that you've dominated me. I

542
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:24,040
Speaker 2: can't believe that you've made me this submissive person. And

543
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,679
Speaker 2: I'm not happy, and I'm never going to cook for

544
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,399
Speaker 2: you again, I'm never going to clean for you again.

545
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:33,000
Speaker 2: Do it yourself, grow up. And you could have said

546
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 2: it like that and then he'd turn around and go

547
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:36,679
Speaker 2: get over it.

548
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:37,679
Speaker 4: That's what you signed up for.

549
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of people end up having

550
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 2: that version of it. And it's really interesting. I say

551
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:44,960
Speaker 2: this to a lot of people. It's almost like, when

552
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,320
Speaker 2: you share something, are you sharing in a way that

553
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,080
Speaker 2: is looking at the three sixty of what you just said? Like, well,

554
00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:53,920
Speaker 2: what did I sign up for? What did they sign

555
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,119
Speaker 2: up for? How does this change affect them? The change

556
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 2: will never be seamless and smooth that now that I've

557
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,199
Speaker 2: said it, from tomorrow, everything's going to be perfect. And

558
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,879
Speaker 2: it's incredible to me to hear the emotional maturity surrounding that.

559
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 2: And I hope that everyone who's listening and watching my

560
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:13,159
Speaker 2: compassion goes out to people who I do feel are

561
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 2: with someone who may not have the emotional maturity to

562
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,679
Speaker 2: receive it, even if it's shared with the maturity that

563
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 2: you just shared it. I think I do know a

564
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,800
Speaker 2: lot of people who have tried to share something similar

565
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 2: with their partners, and the partners will be like, I

566
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,160
Speaker 2: just get over it. You'll be fine tomorrow, don't worry

567
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 2: about it. Like, you know, how would you have dealt

568
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:34,880
Speaker 2: with if that was the case? How would you guide

569
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,800
Speaker 2: people with radical confidence? How would you deal with that?

570
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 4: Yeah?

571
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,320
Speaker 1: God, that's such a great question because there's no guarantee

572
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: that your partner's going to respond the same way Tom did, even.

573
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,400
Speaker 2: If you dropped it perfect yes, yes, right, Like, that's

574
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 2: the point. I think we live in a world where

575
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,360
Speaker 2: we think if I say everything perfectly, then someone and

576
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 2: we know that's not true. So let's say you dropped

577
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,840
Speaker 2: it perfectly and Tom had it's right, baby, Like, that's

578
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 2: what women are meant to do. That's what a wife's

579
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 2: meant to do. That's what or that's what you signed

580
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,080
Speaker 2: up for. We both signed a contract. That's what it was.

581
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 4: What would you have done?

582
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,440
Speaker 1: And that's really important because that's the thing is like,

583
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,000
Speaker 1: was it a non negotiable for him? Because even to

584
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 1: where I said, I originally wanted four children and I

585
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:17,239
Speaker 1: don't want any that idea of that non negotiable if

586
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,800
Speaker 1: he was the type of person were one of his

587
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 1: non negotiables, we're having children and having a stay at

588
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,960
Speaker 1: home wife. I actually understand that we're not meant to

589
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 1: be together then, because I don't want to force my

590
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,119
Speaker 1: opinion on you. You need to live the life that

591
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:31,840
Speaker 1: you actually want, and if that life means that you

592
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,679
Speaker 1: really want children, you need to go and find that

593
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 1: because we're going to make each other unhappy, no matter

594
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 1: how much I love you. And so if Tom had

595
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:41,960
Speaker 1: turned around to me and said, yeah, no, that's what

596
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 1: you signed up for, I think in that moment I

597
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,160
Speaker 1: would have been shocked. I wouldn't have expected it, and

598
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,360
Speaker 1: I would have had to go back and be with

599
00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 1: myself and been silenced and start to write out what

600
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 1: my value systems are, what my morals are, and how

601
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 1: I want to show up every day, and then check

602
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 1: to see if then what Tom is saying aligns with that,

603
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 1: because I had been going along with the flow for

604
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 1: so long and thinking other people's opinions were mine. And

605
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: so we don't really know what is our own thoughts

606
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,600
Speaker 1: until we are still, until we write out what we

607
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 1: actually care about, and so our value systems happen to

608
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,720
Speaker 1: very much align. Our value system is is I will

609
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,200
Speaker 1: support you, even in spite of things that may make

610
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 1: my life more uncomfortable. Right, my value system is is

611
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 1: that you are an ambitious man. I will protect you

612
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:29,760
Speaker 1: and support you in your ambition, even if it makes

613
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,360
Speaker 1: my life more difficult. So if he's working, which is

614
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 1: true two years ago, he was working one hundred and

615
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:35,440
Speaker 1: twenty hours.

616
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:36,480
Speaker 3: A week two years ago.

617
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:41,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, like for like eighteen months. That was very hard.

618
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 1: And so for eighteen months I was supporting him until

619
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,880
Speaker 1: it started to become detrimental to us. And that's where

620
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,719
Speaker 1: it's like, support each other, know your value systems, but

621
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,880
Speaker 1: never let your own values diminish, your own wants and

622
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:55,920
Speaker 1: need diminished. And that's what I did for eight years.

623
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:57,880
Speaker 1: And that's kind of what I talk about in the

624
00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 1: book about how a relationship can and be literally the

625
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 1: winds beneath your wind, your wings that can help propel

626
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:08,320
Speaker 1: you right, it can make you feel better about yourself

627
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,840
Speaker 1: as you're on that journey. But it also can be

628
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 1: that anchor around your ankle that can if you dropped

629
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 1: into the ocean, we just take you deeper and deeper.

630
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 1: And so who are you with? Do they want to

631
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 1: see you shine? Do they want to actually see you thrive?

632
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:25,600
Speaker 1: And what are their non negotiables? But I think ultimately,

633
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 1: if Tom has said that, I don't think we would

634
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,760
Speaker 1: have stayed together. And that's the key is when people

635
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,560
Speaker 1: say you and Tom are so lucky, You're so lucky

636
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: to have someone like Tom, and I said, no, no, no, no,

637
00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 1: I've got Tom because we communicate and he's the person

638
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,200
Speaker 1: that is okay with a wife going from a stay

639
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: at home wife to now an entrepreneur. And I'm okay

640
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 1: with having a husband that works one hundred hours or

641
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,040
Speaker 1: one hundred and twenty hours a week. Most people aren't

642
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 1: and there's no judgment there. But that's what makes us

643
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 1: beautiful dance partners. And so never, I just did it

644
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: too long, Jay, Never, anyone listening, don't ever diminish your dreams.

645
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:06,160
Speaker 1: Don't ever negotiate your boundaries for somebody else. Know what

646
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,600
Speaker 1: they are first, and then ideally find somebody that respects

647
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 1: and compliments them.

648
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's such great advice, and it's you know, and

649
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 2: I know you mean it. And it's funny because I

650
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,600
Speaker 2: think I resonate strongly with that as well. Is that

651
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:25,560
Speaker 2: when I think about me and Raddy, it's very we're

652
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 2: obviously we no longer have been together as long as

653
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,000
Speaker 2: you and Tom have, but I see a lot of

654
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:35,680
Speaker 2: similarities in how we're growing in that way. And your

655
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 2: relationship is a beautiful example of that, like you and

656
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 2: Tom and how long you've been together and all the transitions,

657
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:44,240
Speaker 2: and I love seeing it. It's really inspiring for us,

658
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 2: and I think it's similar for us.

659
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 4: Like I always.

660
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 2: I genuinely believe it that the reason why me and

661
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 2: Rady work is because we communicate, and is because we're

662
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,960
Speaker 2: both able to respect and adapt and know what the

663
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,280
Speaker 2: other person needs. I think what's really interesting, though, Lise,

664
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 2: is that a lot of the time, what we want,

665
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 2: we've got to really think about that word, because I

666
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 2: wonder whether sometimes we've always It's so funny because I'm

667
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,560
Speaker 2: going the other way, but we started off talking about

668
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,760
Speaker 2: like we all believe we deserve less, but sometimes in

669
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 2: our relationships we could be really demanding in a way

670
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:26,160
Speaker 2: that isn't taking into account who the other person is.

671
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 2: So I'll give you an example. Let's say what you wanted,

672
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,239
Speaker 2: and I know Tom's I'm going to speak for him

673
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 2: a bit and you can edit the parts I don't

674
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 2: get right. If you had said, Jay, I'm excited to

675
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 2: get married and the guy I want, I want him

676
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 2: to be someone who every evening spends time with me,

677
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 2: every weekend is free and available. I want him to

678
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 2: think about planning a vacation four times a year, or

679
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,520
Speaker 2: twice a year, or once year. I want him to

680
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,160
Speaker 2: be someone who just wants to cuddle up and watch

681
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 2: a movie every night, even if you wanted all of that,

682
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 2: Tom was not the right guy, Like that's not Tom,

683
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:03,440
Speaker 2: Like he's he may be some of those things, but

684
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 2: not really not really Yeah, exactly perception, Tom's not that guy.

685
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 3: I know each other, you know Tom. Yeah, Like Tom's

686
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 3: not that guy.

687
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 2: And and I'm not saying that makes him a good

688
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:15,960
Speaker 2: or bad I'm just saying that's not Tom. And it

689
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 2: was similar with me and Radi, like, you know, like

690
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 2: I think I said something ridiculous to Radi when we

691
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,440
Speaker 2: first started dating, and I was like, look, if you

692
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,360
Speaker 2: want the guy who's always free every weekend to hang

693
00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 2: out with family and goes to a movie on Friday

694
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,640
Speaker 2: night and then goes like I don't know, like house shop,

695
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,560
Speaker 2: furniture shopping on the weekend, I was like, I'm not

696
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 2: that guy, Like I'm just that's not me, Like I

697
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 2: have a mission, I'm excited about stuff, like I'm passionate,

698
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,720
Speaker 2: i want to live a purposeful life, like this is

699
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 2: my priority. And so sometimes what we want and who

700
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:46,680
Speaker 2: were attracted.

701
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,200
Speaker 3: To don't mesh.

702
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,520
Speaker 2: Like you can be attracted to Tom for his intelligence,

703
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 2: his brain, his looks, whatever else it is, and he

704
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 2: can be attracted to you, but then you're like, but

705
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 2: wait a minute, I actually want someone who's ambitious or

706
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 2: not ambitious.

707
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,240
Speaker 4: I want someone who's.

708
00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 2: This or this, And so sometimes I think we're trying

709
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,520
Speaker 2: to force someone to be something that they're not. And

710
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,120
Speaker 2: I see that a lot. I'll have a lot of

711
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 2: friends will say to me like, I wish he was

712
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 2: just a bit more ambitious. I'm like, but he's not.

713
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:15,840
Speaker 2: And he's not suddenly going to become that, like he's

714
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 2: he's he may become that, because we can all change,

715
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 2: but obviously he's not showing you that two years or

716
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,160
Speaker 2: someone will be like, you know, I wishly didn't work

717
00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:26,200
Speaker 2: so hard, like you know, something like but you know

718
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,239
Speaker 2: his goal is to be a billionaire, like as in

719
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean?

720
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 4: And and he's dedicated to that.

721
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,440
Speaker 2: So I'm like, where does that want an attraction kind

722
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:34,120
Speaker 2: of go together?

723
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's such a great question. Yeah, Because

724
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 1: here's the thing, though, Jay, is that of course we

725
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 1: want everything. Of course we do everyone does, So just

726
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 1: accept that, Okay, you're not going to necessarily be able

727
00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:48,839
Speaker 1: to have everything, So what's what's the cost? So I

728
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 1: find ambition extremely sexy and attractive, and so I'm attracted

729
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: to someone that has ambition, and so what comes with that?

730
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 1: What is the cost of being attracted to someone that

731
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,839
Speaker 1: has ambition? They're not going to be there every night

732
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,480
Speaker 1: at seven pm, They're not taking time off on the weekends,

733
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: They're not filling the blank. Okay, well, what's more important

734
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: to you? Like, now, just look at those facts and

735
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:11,880
Speaker 1: go if you're ambitious, this is actually what comes with

736
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:14,520
Speaker 1: someone ambitious. If you want someone that is a stay

737
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:18,080
Speaker 1: up again, freaking love it. But just know that probably

738
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:20,400
Speaker 1: means they're going to work a nine to five that

739
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,719
Speaker 1: that way they have the time to be open to

740
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,240
Speaker 1: them spending date night with you. But are you okay

741
00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 1: with that? What life do you want? What's more important?

742
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,400
Speaker 1: Like actually almost prioritize them. And so for me that

743
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:32,440
Speaker 1: was a very early wake up call with Tom where

744
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,880
Speaker 1: it's like I know who I'm married, and so just

745
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,960
Speaker 1: because I've got a ring on my finger doesn't mean

746
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 1: now all of a sudden he has to change in

747
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,719
Speaker 1: order to fit all the things that I'm looking for

748
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:45,040
Speaker 1: in life. I actually know that the cost of being

749
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 1: with him is that I don't see him on a

750
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:50,640
Speaker 1: Saturday night or a Friday. And then that extends to children.

751
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,440
Speaker 1: When we were even talking about kids, he said, Babe,

752
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:56,360
Speaker 1: I love you. I'm not gonna wake up in the

753
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 1: middle of the night and clean the baby's diaper because

754
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:02,080
Speaker 1: I am an ambitious and I will be resentful, going

755
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: back to that word, I'll be resentful if I give

756
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:06,680
Speaker 1: up my ambition for my children and my wife. I

757
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:08,600
Speaker 1: won't be able to be the man that you love

758
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,680
Speaker 1: and you want me to be, because you are literally

759
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 1: stripping me away of the fundamental person I am. And

760
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 1: when you can respect someone for being that honest and

761
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 1: that transparent, I only receive it with utter gratitude to

762
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 1: be honest, like thank you for telling me before we

763
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,880
Speaker 1: have children what type of father you're going to be.

764
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:30,359
Speaker 1: And so he said, I'm going to be working really hard.

765
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,000
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be coming home at seven pm

766
00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 1: every night, and I'm not going to get up with

767
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,759
Speaker 1: the kids because i need to make sure that my

768
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,240
Speaker 1: cognitive load is like on fire when I'm in my business.

769
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 1: But then on the weekends, the truth is that I

770
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,200
Speaker 1: want to be an amazing father, and so I'm going

771
00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:46,280
Speaker 1: to be on the weekends taking my kids to soccer

772
00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 1: practice and doing all these things. Those are the reality

773
00:36:49,239 --> 00:36:51,759
Speaker 1: of who fundamentally he is and how that shows up

774
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 1: in our relationship. Cool now that I know that, do

775
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:59,320
Speaker 1: I still want children? Knowing that pretty much Monday to Friday,

776
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:04,120
Speaker 1: I'm a single mother Because when people don't have these conversations,

777
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,360
Speaker 1: it ends up being the biggest thing that breaks that

778
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,359
Speaker 1: relationship because you are now judging the part I can't

779
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: believe he's not waking up and I'm I'm left all

780
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 1: by myself? Or did you have the discussion so that

781
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:18,560
Speaker 1: you knew again the zero judgment? But you knew what

782
00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:20,520
Speaker 1: the mother wants and what the father wants. And this

783
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 1: goes both ways, right, It's not just Tom what do

784
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,399
Speaker 1: I want out of life? And how do children fit

785
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:27,400
Speaker 1: into my lifestyle? But those are the things that we

786
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: spoke about every step of the way so that we

787
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,560
Speaker 1: can always give each other the utter respect in being

788
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:36,319
Speaker 1: the person they are, because when you strip away that,

789
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,840
Speaker 1: you can't bring your whole self. You know, you've written

790
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:41,759
Speaker 1: in your book about how you have to have a

791
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: relationship with your purpose. Your partner has to have a

792
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:47,279
Speaker 1: relationship with their purpose and then you come together. But

793
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:50,200
Speaker 1: if you're stripping each other of their purpose, you can't

794
00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:54,640
Speaker 1: have that beautiful dance and that relationship. So knowing all

795
00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 1: of those factors is exactly why I was like, I

796
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,920
Speaker 1: still love you, I appreciate it. I still find this

797
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 1: very sexy. And now the understanding is is that he's

798
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,279
Speaker 1: not going to be home in the evening. And that

799
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,880
Speaker 1: was actually part of what made me decide that I

800
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 1: didn't want children because I don't want to be a

801
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:14,680
Speaker 1: single mother Monday to Friday. I freaking love my work,

802
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:16,320
Speaker 1: so I actually don't want to give that up either.

803
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,600
Speaker 1: I didn't want to have children and have Nanni's bring

804
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:22,239
Speaker 1: them up. No shame, just my decision. And then on

805
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 1: the weekends, I'm just going to be utterly transparent and

806
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: honest with you, is that I don't want to be

807
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 1: second or third on his priority list. When is there

808
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:31,839
Speaker 1: going to be time for me and him if he's

809
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 1: working a week and on the weekends he's with the children.

810
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:37,440
Speaker 1: And the thing that I will protect the most is

811
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 1: my relationship with my husband. So knowing that, now, what

812
00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:45,239
Speaker 1: decisions do we make to protect our relationship? And I

813
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:47,960
Speaker 1: understand people, especially with kids we play, you won't know

814
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,160
Speaker 1: what it's like until you have kids. I bet you

815
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:53,080
Speaker 1: get that all the time, especially in your culture. The

816
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,800
Speaker 1: truth is no, I don't know what it's like because

817
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,360
Speaker 1: I don't have them. But there's nothing that I'm missing

818
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,920
Speaker 1: or losing because I don't know what I'm missing out on.

819
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:04,839
Speaker 1: It's kind of like a dog making fun of us

820
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: humans for our sense of smell. It's like their sense

821
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,480
Speaker 1: of smell is freaking amazing, but I don't know what

822
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,920
Speaker 1: it's like. So I don't look at a dog in longingness.

823
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 1: I just go I know my sense of smell, and

824
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 1: it is what it is. So but I do treat

825
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:23,000
Speaker 1: it as fact that I bet you Nature takes its

826
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:26,360
Speaker 1: course and make sure that biologically, especially as a woman,

827
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:30,400
Speaker 1: that you then prioritize your children. So then again asking Tom,

828
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 1: are you okay with going down on my priority list

829
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,719
Speaker 1: when we have kids? Because nature will make sure that

830
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 1: that child is the center of my universe. I don't

831
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,400
Speaker 1: pretend otherwise. And being able to have that type of

832
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:47,120
Speaker 1: honest conversations with zero judgment, giving each other the grace

833
00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:49,879
Speaker 1: to just be who they are, then allows us to say,

834
00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:52,560
Speaker 1: do we have children, do we still stay in this

835
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:57,320
Speaker 1: marriage without that growing contempt that then ends up breaking

836
00:39:57,360 --> 00:39:59,480
Speaker 1: all couples. It turns you into a person you're not

837
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:02,360
Speaker 1: proud of. You start arguing, you start saying things you

838
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,920
Speaker 1: don't like, you start doing things you're not proud of

839
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 1: yourself use and potentially their vulnerabilities against them in arguments

840
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:12,279
Speaker 1: because you haven't had that truth conversation from the get go.

841
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, there's so much to unpack.

842
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:14,680
Speaker 3: Then.

843
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:17,120
Speaker 2: I love the first point you made, this idea of

844
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,719
Speaker 2: if you're attracted to something that's a non negotiable or

845
00:40:20,719 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 2: a priority, first of all, just draw a line as

846
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:26,640
Speaker 2: to what the cost of that is. So if you

847
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:29,600
Speaker 2: want some unambitious, naturally they'll have less time. If you

848
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,359
Speaker 2: want someone less time, naturally they'll be less ambitions. That's

849
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,319
Speaker 2: just how life works. And neither of those are good

850
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 2: or bad. But if you go, I want someone who's

851
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,960
Speaker 2: really ambitious and has loads of time, that's just not happening.

852
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,120
Speaker 2: And so you need to know your deal breakers and

853
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:45,200
Speaker 2: you need to know your priorities. And I love the

854
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:48,400
Speaker 2: way you put that because I do think that we

855
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:51,040
Speaker 2: do want it all, and we want it all now,

856
00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 2: and when someone doesn't give it to us all, we

857
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:58,440
Speaker 2: then think it's their fault, and that's what creates this

858
00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:01,799
Speaker 2: resentment and contempt because we're like, well, wait a minute, like,

859
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 2: don't you want to work a bit more? And it's like, no,

860
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 2: but the thing you love about them is that they're

861
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,080
Speaker 2: always available. Like I have friends who's like, their partners

862
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 2: will coming then with their work trip and then they'll

863
00:41:10,239 --> 00:41:11,600
Speaker 2: be like, oh, but don't you have something to do?

864
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:13,319
Speaker 2: And it's like, but but you love the fact that

865
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,920
Speaker 2: they're always with you. And then there's this break, you know,

866
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:18,839
Speaker 2: this this break, does that make sense or even this

867
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:21,359
Speaker 2: idea of like I love someone of my friends say

868
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 2: to me like, oh, you know, my partner's just a

869
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,839
Speaker 2: bit boring, And I'm like, but you wanted someone who

870
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:31,319
Speaker 2: didn't do anything like you wanted someone who was you know, like,

871
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,319
Speaker 2: didn't have interest, was always around, was always available, and

872
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,520
Speaker 2: now you're calling them boring for it. It's like, but

873
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:40,120
Speaker 2: you've never really you know, you've never encouraged them to

874
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,960
Speaker 2: or you've never been attracted to someone who wanted to explore.

875
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:44,600
Speaker 2: It's it's fascinating to me.

876
00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 1: Can we take it either?

877
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:47,120
Speaker 3: Yes? Please go for it?

878
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:47,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, go for it.

879
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,719
Speaker 1: So think about women in the workforce now. So a

880
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,160
Speaker 1: lot of women are which I freaking love, right, I

881
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,880
Speaker 1: want to empower women. I think it's incredible that now

882
00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:58,880
Speaker 1: we have the options to really be able to go

883
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 1: into the workforce instead of stay home wives or mothers.

884
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:04,680
Speaker 1: But what I've noticing is happening is a lot of

885
00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:06,719
Speaker 1: some women I would won't say a lot are really

886
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:09,319
Speaker 1: building that confidence and I freaking like it. And I

887
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,120
Speaker 1: interviewed somebody I won't say their name, but she's a

888
00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:16,640
Speaker 1: really big powerhouse and she's successful, and she's wealthy, and

889
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,840
Speaker 1: she had just got divorced, and so she's telling me

890
00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:22,480
Speaker 1: the story about how she's like, yeah, I'm owning my sexuality,

891
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,840
Speaker 1: I'm owning who I am, and I'm a powerful woman.

892
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,120
Speaker 1: So she chats up this guy in a bar and

893
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,640
Speaker 1: she's like, and he became my boyfriend. He's younger than her,

894
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,680
Speaker 1: so he moves in with her, and she's like, I

895
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:34,600
Speaker 1: freaking love it. No guy's ever going to control me again.

896
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: Or so she's like, amazing, I respect that, you know

897
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:40,080
Speaker 1: what you want, you go after it. Halfway through the interview,

898
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:42,720
Speaker 1: she's just like, yeah, And I can't believe he doesn't

899
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:46,359
Speaker 1: like book any vacations, He never pays for dinner, he

900
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:49,400
Speaker 1: never takes the lead on something. And I'm like because

901
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,840
Speaker 1: you didn't set up your relationship for that to be

902
00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:54,520
Speaker 1: like that. And I think ultimately, this is something I'm

903
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:57,279
Speaker 1: really playing with new that's really weighing on me is

904
00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,359
Speaker 1: that I think one of the things people don't ask

905
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:02,319
Speaker 1: each other and they're worried, especially in today's society. But

906
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:04,719
Speaker 1: I think it's imperative when you get into a relationship,

907
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:10,280
Speaker 1: before you commit who leads and who follows and having

908
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:15,320
Speaker 1: that actual conversation. And here's the thing. Following someone doesn't

909
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:18,279
Speaker 1: make you weaker, it doesn't make you submissive. It just

910
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:20,600
Speaker 1: has a way to think about dancing. I've brought up

911
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,919
Speaker 1: dancing for some reason this conversation. I'm not quite sure why. Yeah,

912
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:27,760
Speaker 1: it's the dear exactly think about in dancing. You can't

913
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:31,360
Speaker 1: have two leaders. You just can't think about running a company.

914
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:35,240
Speaker 1: You can't have two CEOs. You have to have that moment,

915
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 1: you have to have that moment of who is leading

916
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,360
Speaker 1: and who is following. But if you can remove the

917
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,759
Speaker 1: stigma that maybe you have against the word follow, then

918
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:47,400
Speaker 1: you can actually have that honored conversation. And that's what

919
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,359
Speaker 1: Tom and I did is Babe, I want you to lead.

920
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:52,520
Speaker 1: He wants to lead, and I want him to lead.

921
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,440
Speaker 1: That doesn't make me less of a powerful, confident woman.

922
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:58,200
Speaker 1: It actually makes me stronger in my eyes, because I'm

923
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 1: strong enough to know I can it will be strong

924
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:04,960
Speaker 1: in my own conviction, my ideas, my boundaries, standing up

925
00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:08,800
Speaker 1: for myself, and I can still have faith in somebody

926
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:11,239
Speaker 1: else is going to lead me. Now, of course, if

927
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:13,920
Speaker 1: he goes off step, I'm going to have the confidence

928
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:18,520
Speaker 1: to speak up. But ultimately I'm not challenging him for

929
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:22,280
Speaker 1: that role. And in Totay's society, again, it's just weird

930
00:44:22,520 --> 00:44:25,360
Speaker 1: for people to say about roles in a relationship. And

931
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:27,400
Speaker 1: I think there's no right or wrong. What do you

932
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 1: want in your relationship? But you have to have that

933
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 1: role discussion. Yes, no matter what gender a person is

934
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:36,520
Speaker 1: going to take the lead, you have to have that

935
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:37,360
Speaker 1: discussion first.

936
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:37,680
Speaker 4: Yeah.

937
00:44:37,719 --> 00:44:39,800
Speaker 2: And one thing that Raddy and I found is also

938
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:43,239
Speaker 2: that we lead and follow in different areas. So when

939
00:44:43,239 --> 00:44:46,360
Speaker 2: it comes to our health, Raley leads. She decides what

940
00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 2: snacks we have in the house. She decides what we

941
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:51,160
Speaker 2: eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She decides where we

942
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,160
Speaker 2: go to eat for restaurants and we're going out, she

943
00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 2: decides what we eat when we're traveling, because I trust

944
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,880
Speaker 2: her that she knows more about the body than I

945
00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:01,200
Speaker 2: do as a nutritionist and dietician and all of our expertise,

946
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:03,319
Speaker 2: and so I'm going to follow her. When it comes

947
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:05,960
Speaker 2: to working out, I follow her. She's the one who's

948
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 2: like setting the paces to like, all right, you know,

949
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:10,640
Speaker 2: when I met her, I didn't even work out. Its

950
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,320
Speaker 2: played a bit of sport or whatever. And she was

951
00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:14,000
Speaker 2: the one saying, no, no, no, it's really great for us

952
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 2: to be active and do this together.

953
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:16,360
Speaker 4: So she leads.

954
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:20,440
Speaker 2: When it comes to our home, I lead interior design

955
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:21,399
Speaker 2: because that's my thing.

956
00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:21,960
Speaker 4: I love it.

957
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:25,240
Speaker 2: I love art, I love esthetic, I love the feel

958
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,799
Speaker 2: I love everything, and I get so into it, and

959
00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 2: so she let me lead. She was like, Jay, you're

960
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:31,680
Speaker 2: in charge, Like that's your thing. When it comes to

961
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:35,040
Speaker 2: spending time with family and vacations, she leads. She loves

962
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:37,919
Speaker 2: taking care of her family and loves traveling together and

963
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 2: giving them experiences, and so she lead. Then when it

964
00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:43,759
Speaker 2: comes to the direction of like should we move now,

965
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:46,160
Speaker 2: should we do this? Where should we invest? I'm leading

966
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:50,200
Speaker 2: that conversation, and I think it's beautiful because there's leading

967
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:53,360
Speaker 2: and following across all these different areas and all of

968
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 2: a sudden, it's like you're both playing to your strengths.

969
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:59,920
Speaker 2: You both feel valuable, you both feel significant, and you

970
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,160
Speaker 2: both feel like you get to rely on the other person,

971
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,400
Speaker 2: which is beautiful, which is what you want. And I

972
00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:05,840
Speaker 2: think it's yell.

973
00:46:05,840 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 1: It goes back to the doubles in tennis.

974
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:10,719
Speaker 2: You're playing doubles exactly exactly like you take that shot,

975
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 2: I'll take this one. And that's a beautiful analogy. And

976
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:18,000
Speaker 2: I think that that's the reality of what's helped us

977
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:22,439
Speaker 2: as well, is being humble enough to say you lead

978
00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:26,080
Speaker 2: your better at this, and then being confident enough to

979
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,720
Speaker 2: say not, I'll take this one because that's my strength.

980
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:32,120
Speaker 2: And I think that requires so much humility and putting

981
00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:35,480
Speaker 2: your ego aside, and it also requires so much self awareness.

982
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:38,000
Speaker 2: And by the way, this isn't perfect. We're constantly playing

983
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,120
Speaker 2: with it, like there will constantly something like I want

984
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:41,160
Speaker 2: you to this because I don't.

985
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:42,440
Speaker 4: Want to do it. She's like, I don't want to

986
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:43,440
Speaker 4: do it either. Right.

987
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:46,520
Speaker 2: There's that stuff too, and then there's stuff where you're

988
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:48,759
Speaker 2: both arguing over who's going to lead because you both

989
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:51,200
Speaker 2: want to lead it. I think what we're both coming

990
00:46:51,239 --> 00:46:54,680
Speaker 2: back down to is the importance of that conversation, because

991
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:56,960
Speaker 2: I know so many of my friends actually have been

992
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,239
Speaker 2: scared to tell their partners going back to the kids thing,

993
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:01,759
Speaker 2: and this could be about anything. Kids is an example

994
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:04,839
Speaker 2: where they're not ready for kids, but their partner is

995
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:08,160
Speaker 2: so pushing for kids, and it's like, no one's listening

996
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:12,320
Speaker 2: to each other now. It's just our desire is superseding

997
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:15,799
Speaker 2: the code that your partner is trying to suggest to

998
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,800
Speaker 2: you of I'm not ready, I'm not sure.

999
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:21,560
Speaker 3: But your desire is just like no, no, no, it has.

1000
00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:23,719
Speaker 2: To happen now, it has to happen now. And I

1001
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:27,160
Speaker 2: find that to be like I think i'd really me

1002
00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 2: and Radley kind of.

1003
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:28,319
Speaker 4: Went through that.

1004
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:32,000
Speaker 2: Like before we moved to the place that we're at now,

1005
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:34,800
Speaker 2: I really needed to move because we lived in a

1006
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:38,880
Speaker 2: place that we were renting that I never slept well in.

1007
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:42,520
Speaker 2: We had people taking stuff, like our male would always

1008
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 2: get stolen. We'd have there were a lot of animals

1009
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 2: that were in the floorboards. It was an old home,

1010
00:47:48,040 --> 00:47:51,680
Speaker 2: so you'd hear like animals rustling around like it was

1011
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:54,960
Speaker 2: just one of those homes where I always felt uncomfortable

1012
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,359
Speaker 2: and anxious, and so I don't think I slept well

1013
00:47:57,400 --> 00:47:59,040
Speaker 2: for one and a half years, where I would be

1014
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:01,920
Speaker 2: living in fight or flight every night, thinking what if

1015
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:05,280
Speaker 2: someone's in my house? And that is not a comfortable feeling.

1016
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:07,600
Speaker 2: And so I kept pushing. I was like, rah, the

1017
00:48:07,719 --> 00:48:08,719
Speaker 2: I need to get out of here. I need to

1018
00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:10,640
Speaker 2: get out. And she loved at home, so she couldn't

1019
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 2: get it. She was just like, this place is beautiful,

1020
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:14,440
Speaker 2: and I'm like, yeah, it's beautiful during the day, but

1021
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:16,600
Speaker 2: at night. Trust me, I'm not really anxious here and

1022
00:48:16,680 --> 00:48:18,200
Speaker 2: I'm not really an anxious sleeper.

1023
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:18,919
Speaker 4: I sleep well.

1024
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,880
Speaker 2: And so it was very new for me, and I

1025
00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:23,319
Speaker 2: could tell she wasn't quite getting it, and so I

1026
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:27,279
Speaker 2: had to start looking for new places because I realized

1027
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:30,760
Speaker 2: that I was like, until she sees something better, she's

1028
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:34,600
Speaker 2: not gonna get the pot. And so it was literally

1029
00:48:34,680 --> 00:48:36,880
Speaker 2: like and that's natural, right, like because her she was

1030
00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:38,879
Speaker 2: like I'm happy here, I'm satisfied here.

1031
00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:40,760
Speaker 3: I was like, no, but I can't.

1032
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 2: And she wasn't getting the subtle nudges, and so I

1033
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 2: started looking, started dragging her to house feelings. We found

1034
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:47,040
Speaker 2: this place.

1035
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:48,680
Speaker 3: Even then she was like no, no, no.

1036
00:48:48,719 --> 00:48:50,680
Speaker 2: The other place is more beautiful, blah blah blah blah.

1037
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:52,840
Speaker 2: And then finally I was like, you must be kidding me.

1038
00:48:53,239 --> 00:48:55,840
Speaker 2: And then we moved, and now she's grateful that we moved.

1039
00:48:56,080 --> 00:48:58,719
Speaker 2: But it was really interesting, how like, even though there

1040
00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:02,040
Speaker 2: was a bit of conflict and friction, I still knew

1041
00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:03,560
Speaker 2: I had to lead, But I knew I didn't have

1042
00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:05,839
Speaker 2: to lead by like trying to convince her or make

1043
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:08,759
Speaker 2: her feel bad for not understanding me, or because I

1044
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:10,759
Speaker 2: could sense it wasn't that she didn't understand me, or

1045
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:12,759
Speaker 2: she wasn't listening to me, or maybe there was a

1046
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:15,279
Speaker 2: bit of that we just weren't getting it, if that

1047
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:15,839
Speaker 2: makes sense.

1048
00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:18,320
Speaker 1: That Yeah, what's interesting is I go back to the

1049
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:21,919
Speaker 1: value systems because the value for you was I need

1050
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:25,759
Speaker 1: to the value of sleeping because of how I know

1051
00:49:25,840 --> 00:49:28,040
Speaker 1: how important your brain is to you in your mind

1052
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 1: and how you think and how you show up and

1053
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:32,160
Speaker 1: run your business and everything like that. It actually aligns

1054
00:49:32,160 --> 00:49:37,239
Speaker 1: with your value system. Now, maybe Radley's value system was homemaking.

1055
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,959
Speaker 1: I want to be somewhere I'm comfortable. So actually both

1056
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,080
Speaker 1: of your value systems. Again, there's no right or wrong,

1057
00:49:43,320 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 1: but that's where your value system was. Then colliding because

1058
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:47,360
Speaker 1: she feels like I've made a house out of this

1059
00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:51,680
Speaker 1: value system. I'm not getting what I need. I can't work,

1060
00:49:51,719 --> 00:49:54,640
Speaker 1: I don't have the mindset value system. So actually what

1061
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:57,080
Speaker 1: was happening is your value systems were colliding, but you're

1062
00:49:57,080 --> 00:50:00,359
Speaker 1: not talking about the value. You're talking about the house. Yes, yes,

1063
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:03,080
Speaker 1: And so that becomes that even with the kids thing,

1064
00:50:03,120 --> 00:50:05,160
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, we the person that wants to delay

1065
00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:08,400
Speaker 1: the children, what's your value system there? I haven't gotten

1066
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:10,480
Speaker 1: to where I want to in my career, and my

1067
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:13,760
Speaker 1: career right now is super important, and maybe the person

1068
00:50:14,160 --> 00:50:16,840
Speaker 1: is my value system. I've always wanted a family, and

1069
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:20,080
Speaker 1: so I value family over business. So now you can

1070
00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:22,960
Speaker 1: see one person's valuing business over family, the other person's

1071
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,800
Speaker 1: valuing family over business, and you're colliding, but you're not

1072
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:29,200
Speaker 1: actually talking about the thing. You're just talking about the kids,

1073
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,400
Speaker 1: But it's actually about the value system that's colliding. The

1074
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:35,279
Speaker 1: silly example that I learned this lesson with Tom was

1075
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,960
Speaker 1: over making the bed. I was like, what do you

1076
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 1: mean you don't make the bed? Of course you make

1077
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 1: the bed. It was like the thing I was taught

1078
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:44,680
Speaker 1: my whole life. And Tom was like, no, I won't

1079
00:50:44,719 --> 00:50:46,319
Speaker 1: make the bed, and we would collide. I'm like, you

1080
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:48,520
Speaker 1: don't get it in these and so he would get

1081
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:50,719
Speaker 1: frustrated every time I would make the bed because he's like,

1082
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,400
Speaker 1: I have to unmake the bed now. I'm like, it

1083
00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:56,600
Speaker 1: takes three seconds. And I was dismissing and mocking him,

1084
00:50:56,719 --> 00:50:59,080
Speaker 1: if I'm going to be very honest, thinking he was

1085
00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:01,600
Speaker 1: wrong that of course you make that. What kind of

1086
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:05,200
Speaker 1: person doesn't. And I was literally putting my value system

1087
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:07,839
Speaker 1: on him until we started to date. What does making

1088
00:51:07,880 --> 00:51:09,560
Speaker 1: the bed mean to you? And to me, it was

1089
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:13,560
Speaker 1: about neatness. It was about calm. I have ADHD, so

1090
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:17,640
Speaker 1: I need those moments of calmness around me. I need

1091
00:51:17,640 --> 00:51:19,760
Speaker 1: things to be neat in order for me to be centered.

1092
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:21,680
Speaker 1: But I didn't say that. I said I need the

1093
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:24,760
Speaker 1: bed to be made. For him, his value system is time,

1094
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:28,120
Speaker 1: He's like, it's the one thing I'll never get back.

1095
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:30,799
Speaker 1: And so if you ask me to do something that

1096
00:51:30,920 --> 00:51:33,359
Speaker 1: doesn't actually align with the vision of what I want

1097
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 1: my future to be, don't like you're asking me to

1098
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:39,400
Speaker 1: be someone I'm not. So his value system is time.

1099
00:51:39,719 --> 00:51:42,680
Speaker 1: My value system is tidiness. And so you can see

1100
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,920
Speaker 1: in just that silly thing of making the bed. We

1101
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:49,120
Speaker 1: freaking collide and how many people couples do that every

1102
00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:52,719
Speaker 1: single day over small little things. And what ends up

1103
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:55,640
Speaker 1: happening is that oxytocin that you had when you first

1104
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:58,200
Speaker 1: started dating is no longer there, and all you have

1105
00:51:58,239 --> 00:51:59,760
Speaker 1: are these collisions dating.

1106
00:52:00,840 --> 00:52:03,479
Speaker 2: I love that, and I feel I really hope everyone

1107
00:52:03,480 --> 00:52:07,200
Speaker 2: who's listening and watching like takes a moment to break

1108
00:52:07,239 --> 00:52:09,279
Speaker 2: this down for themselves like we had it the other

1109
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,480
Speaker 2: way around. A few couple of months ago, my wife's

1110
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:14,360
Speaker 2: book came out, her first book, Yeah, and thank you.

1111
00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:16,239
Speaker 2: I know you interviewed her for it as well, and

1112
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:18,640
Speaker 2: it was you know, and it was just it was

1113
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 2: a really exciting moment. Rather had poured three years of

1114
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:24,799
Speaker 2: her life into this cookbook. I saw her work hard

1115
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:26,680
Speaker 2: on it. I've never seen her work that hard in

1116
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:30,160
Speaker 2: my life, never seen her just be so consistent. You

1117
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:31,839
Speaker 2: know how much work it takes. You know, Look, we're

1118
00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:34,440
Speaker 2: sitting here talking about radical confidence. One year on, right

1119
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:39,120
Speaker 2: and one year on dude. Two years, yeah, two years

1120
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:42,279
Speaker 2: on of radical confidence. And you know how much work

1121
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:43,799
Speaker 2: goes into this book. I know how much you poured

1122
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:46,640
Speaker 2: into this book. This was your first ever book, and

1123
00:52:46,680 --> 00:52:48,719
Speaker 2: I said to Radi. I said to her, I said,

1124
00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:50,719
Speaker 2: you know what, Riley, like, we've been together now for

1125
00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 2: eleven years. We've celebrated a lot of things, but you've

1126
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:56,640
Speaker 2: never had a book out. So I don't know how

1127
00:52:56,680 --> 00:53:00,920
Speaker 2: you want to celebrate this because not every celebs the same,

1128
00:53:01,040 --> 00:53:03,800
Speaker 2: Like you don't celebrate a birthday, how you celebrate an anniversary,

1129
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:07,880
Speaker 2: and how you celebrate Christmas. They're different celebrations. And so

1130
00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:09,239
Speaker 2: I was asking and checking in with it, and I

1131
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:11,360
Speaker 2: was like, I actually don't know what you'd like to

1132
00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:14,600
Speaker 2: do in order to like make this moment feel special.

1133
00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:17,080
Speaker 2: And she we were on a hike and she just

1134
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:19,520
Speaker 2: said to me. She goes, oh, we just celebrated last night.

1135
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 4: And I was like, what do you mean. I couldn't

1136
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:22,880
Speaker 4: even remember.

1137
00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:23,960
Speaker 2: What we did last night. I was like, what do

1138
00:53:24,040 --> 00:53:26,319
Speaker 2: you mean we celebrated last night? And she was like, yeah,

1139
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:28,920
Speaker 2: like our friends came over. I cooked from the book

1140
00:53:29,520 --> 00:53:32,040
Speaker 2: and they loved the meals. This was the day before

1141
00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:35,000
Speaker 2: the book came out. And I was like, wait, that

1142
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:36,480
Speaker 2: was a celebration to you, Like.

1143
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:36,879
Speaker 3: It wasn't.

1144
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:40,120
Speaker 2: There was no it wasn't like the joyful book event.

1145
00:53:40,239 --> 00:53:43,440
Speaker 2: There was no fancy like cards with food. It was

1146
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:46,759
Speaker 2: just a few mates came over and she cooked from

1147
00:53:46,760 --> 00:53:49,319
Speaker 2: the book, which I don't even know if she told

1148
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:51,879
Speaker 2: her anyone, and they loved it and they loved the food.

1149
00:53:51,920 --> 00:53:54,680
Speaker 2: And she was like, that felt like a celebration to

1150
00:53:54,719 --> 00:53:57,600
Speaker 2: me because I made food I love for people I love.

1151
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:00,200
Speaker 2: And I was like, wow, you just saved me this

1152
00:54:00,480 --> 00:54:03,279
Speaker 2: grand idea out in my head of like throwing a

1153
00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:05,520
Speaker 2: big party or like you know, putting the joyful banner

1154
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:07,600
Speaker 2: up or whatever, which is what I would do. And

1155
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 2: I was just thinking about that, and I was like,

1156
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:12,960
Speaker 2: it's so interesting to me that her value of celebration

1157
00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:17,360
Speaker 2: is that, and my value around celebration is totally different.

1158
00:54:18,239 --> 00:54:22,719
Speaker 2: But again, so many couples and relationships can go wrong

1159
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:26,560
Speaker 2: because we're constantly either celebrating the person we love or

1160
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:30,080
Speaker 2: we're criticizing the person we love based on our value system.

1161
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:32,680
Speaker 2: And now all we're talking about is the criticism or

1162
00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:35,480
Speaker 2: the celebration and not talking about the value. Yeah, And

1163
00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:37,959
Speaker 2: it's fascinating to me that it works both ways, whether

1164
00:54:38,000 --> 00:54:39,760
Speaker 2: it's a good thing or a bad thing, because sometimes

1165
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:41,400
Speaker 2: you do something something nice for your partner and they

1166
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:43,719
Speaker 2: don't appreciate it, and you're like, why don't you appreciate it?

1167
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:47,120
Speaker 2: Because that's not what I appreciate, it's not what I value.

1168
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:50,640
Speaker 1: And I applaud you for just asking her because so

1169
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:54,120
Speaker 1: many people either wouldn't ask, wouldn't do anything, or just assume.

1170
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,399
Speaker 1: And that's I think where a lot of couples will

1171
00:54:56,440 --> 00:54:59,279
Speaker 1: most get mixed up, where it's like, well, if they

1172
00:54:59,280 --> 00:55:01,840
Speaker 1: love me, they should no, and it's like, oh that

1173
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:05,000
Speaker 1: breaks my heart. It's like they're not a mind reader.

1174
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,920
Speaker 1: Like like you said, we all change, we all evolve.

1175
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:10,560
Speaker 1: You would have done something with the biggest heart right,

1176
00:55:10,600 --> 00:55:13,319
Speaker 1: like I want to celebrate my wife and she was

1177
00:55:13,360 --> 00:55:17,200
Speaker 1: looking like what do you mean? How many times? And

1178
00:55:17,239 --> 00:55:20,480
Speaker 1: then what happens in that moment, You feel unappreciated for

1179
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:23,400
Speaker 1: having tried to show up and do something amazing. She

1180
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:26,680
Speaker 1: doesn't feel seen or heard. So now this whole thing,

1181
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:29,560
Speaker 1: this act that you've done to try and really show her,

1182
00:55:29,719 --> 00:55:32,600
Speaker 1: doesn't achieve anything. You and her both feel badly. And

1183
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:35,680
Speaker 1: then again you almost like look at the other person

1184
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,680
Speaker 1: like you're wrong or you're crazy or how could you

1185
00:55:38,719 --> 00:55:41,239
Speaker 1: have done this? And so the idea of just just

1186
00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:45,080
Speaker 1: asking and like remove all the idea of what we've

1187
00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:47,040
Speaker 1: been taught of like if they love me, they should

1188
00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:49,800
Speaker 1: know and just say ultimately, I want them to feel

1189
00:55:49,960 --> 00:55:53,040
Speaker 1: what I want them to feel loved. I want them

1190
00:55:53,080 --> 00:55:55,120
Speaker 1: to feel seen. Okay, how do they do that? I

1191
00:55:55,160 --> 00:55:58,160
Speaker 1: sometimes don't know, let me just ask. So one of

1192
00:55:58,200 --> 00:56:00,600
Speaker 1: the things. Actually, so I stopped being stay home wife.

1193
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 1: I stopped cooking for Tom. We laid out all of

1194
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:04,080
Speaker 1: our things of how we want to show up for

1195
00:56:04,120 --> 00:56:07,160
Speaker 1: each other, and we changed and grow, or we both

1196
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 1: change and grow. Since then, so only last year Tom

1197
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:13,239
Speaker 1: turned around to me and he said, you know what, babe, like,

1198
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,120
Speaker 1: I feel like I have a need that's unmet right now.

1199
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:17,760
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, what's the need, babe?

1200
00:56:17,920 --> 00:56:20,600
Speaker 1: And he's like, I actually now miss that you don't

1201
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:21,160
Speaker 1: cook for me.

1202
00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:22,279
Speaker 3: Right.

1203
00:56:22,400 --> 00:56:23,919
Speaker 1: So we've been like fifteen years.

1204
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:24,840
Speaker 3: He's been fine with it.

1205
00:56:25,320 --> 00:56:27,879
Speaker 1: But instead of me judging him, he told me I'm

1206
00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:30,640
Speaker 1: not supposed to guess he just said that, And I said, okay, babe,

1207
00:56:31,120 --> 00:56:33,200
Speaker 1: what does that look like? And he's like, I like

1208
00:56:33,719 --> 00:56:36,200
Speaker 1: you to preempt my needs when it comes to food

1209
00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:38,160
Speaker 1: and said okay. Instead of just leaving it at that,

1210
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:41,279
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, can I order Postmates? They have

1211
00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:45,959
Speaker 1: it delivered with that satisfy the need and he's like, yeah,

1212
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:47,799
Speaker 1: you can, or do I have to cook it? He's like, no, no,

1213
00:56:47,840 --> 00:56:50,160
Speaker 1: you can have postmtes. Okay, do I need to plate

1214
00:56:50,239 --> 00:56:52,120
Speaker 1: it for you? Or can I leave it out on

1215
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:54,239
Speaker 1: the doorstep and just text you it's here? And he's like,

1216
00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:57,160
Speaker 1: well if you can put it on like my kitchen counter,

1217
00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:59,440
Speaker 1: like his little side and he's like that way I know.

1218
00:56:59,480 --> 00:57:02,120
Speaker 1: It's like cool. Now I've heard you. I don't have

1219
00:57:02,239 --> 00:57:04,799
Speaker 1: to assume I now don't have to go straight into

1220
00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:07,400
Speaker 1: oh my god, he's now asking me to cook. I

1221
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:10,080
Speaker 1: don't want to cook. I went there. I was that person.

1222
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:11,759
Speaker 1: I don't want to get tracked. No, none of that.

1223
00:57:12,120 --> 00:57:15,640
Speaker 1: We just broke it down bit by bit of understanding

1224
00:57:15,960 --> 00:57:18,800
Speaker 1: what exactly that need looks like. Now here's the other part.

1225
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:22,160
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm not willing to do it, And in that moment,

1226
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:24,760
Speaker 1: I just would have said, right now, that actually doesn't

1227
00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:27,040
Speaker 1: fit my lifestyle of what I need to show up.

1228
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:29,920
Speaker 1: So how do we find a compromise. Is there a

1229
00:57:29,960 --> 00:57:32,600
Speaker 1: compromise or is it Sorry, I'm unable to do it,

1230
00:57:32,640 --> 00:57:35,000
Speaker 1: but what if I do it for three weeks on

1231
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:38,880
Speaker 1: a holiday? Right now? Come up with ways that you're

1232
00:57:38,920 --> 00:57:41,560
Speaker 1: not just shutting the other person down. You're hearing their

1233
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:44,160
Speaker 1: needs and they feel heard that you're trying to find

1234
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:47,960
Speaker 1: a solution because ultimately, I think not to just stereotype,

1235
00:57:48,040 --> 00:57:51,080
Speaker 1: but typically I think women want to feel seen, they

1236
00:57:51,080 --> 00:57:53,760
Speaker 1: want to feel safe, they want to feel needed, and

1237
00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:58,640
Speaker 1: they want to feel appreciated. It's not the money, it's

1238
00:57:58,680 --> 00:58:00,400
Speaker 1: not the height that a lot of people are saying

1239
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:03,360
Speaker 1: they need to be six foot and then seven figures. No. No,

1240
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:07,600
Speaker 1: If you really do stop and pause and ask your

1241
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:11,080
Speaker 1: partner how they can feel those roles, then you can

1242
00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:14,960
Speaker 1: start to actually create a beautiful relationship on the long term.

1243
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:16,680
Speaker 1: And then the same for a guy. Obviously I don't know,

1244
00:58:16,680 --> 00:58:18,640
Speaker 1: and I'd love to hear your thoughts, but I've tried

1245
00:58:18,640 --> 00:58:20,600
Speaker 1: to process. What is it that I think a guy needs.

1246
00:58:20,720 --> 00:58:23,640
Speaker 1: They want to feel appreciated, they want to feel powerful,

1247
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:28,280
Speaker 1: not controlling powerful, and they want to be respected.

1248
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'd agree with that.

1249
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:33,080
Speaker 1: And so knowing, Okay, if that's actually what you want,

1250
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:34,920
Speaker 1: I'm just going to say it. People may hate it,

1251
00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:36,920
Speaker 1: but I just go to truth. How do I make

1252
00:58:36,960 --> 00:58:39,919
Speaker 1: you feel powerful? That's what I would ask Tom. How

1253
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:42,360
Speaker 1: do I make you feel powerful. What are the things

1254
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:44,240
Speaker 1: that you need now? Again? I then go back to

1255
00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:46,400
Speaker 1: my value systems. I say, does this align with me?

1256
00:58:46,880 --> 00:58:48,880
Speaker 1: But I'm not going to guess. I want to make

1257
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:52,160
Speaker 1: sure that my husband's happy and that we're always constantly

1258
00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:54,880
Speaker 1: in alignment. And when you've been together for twenty three years,

1259
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,720
Speaker 1: I may him when I was twenty one, We've built

1260
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:01,160
Speaker 1: multiple companies together, So how the hell have we been

1261
00:59:01,240 --> 00:59:04,680
Speaker 1: able to stay so aligned. It's these little things that

1262
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:07,840
Speaker 1: people may be embarrassed to do, maybe shamed to do,

1263
00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:09,480
Speaker 1: or they don't want to do it.

1264
00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:12,560
Speaker 4: That's the reality. That's the reality.

1265
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:19,080
Speaker 2: We want something but we either feel guilty, shameful, embarrassed,

1266
00:59:19,200 --> 00:59:22,040
Speaker 2: or uncomfortable to ask for it, and then we take

1267
00:59:22,080 --> 00:59:24,840
Speaker 2: that feeling out on our partner for not knowing it,

1268
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:27,320
Speaker 2: and we get triggered when they say something like I

1269
00:59:27,360 --> 00:59:30,640
Speaker 2: wish you'd cook for me Again, that triggers all of

1270
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:34,840
Speaker 2: our PTSD from that time and now it's like, how

1271
00:59:34,840 --> 00:59:36,160
Speaker 2: can you even ask me to do that? You know

1272
00:59:36,200 --> 00:59:40,040
Speaker 2: how hard that was for me, not realizing it's just

1273
00:59:40,080 --> 00:59:42,360
Speaker 2: a suggestion, it's just an idea, It's coming from a

1274
00:59:42,360 --> 00:59:45,280
Speaker 2: good It's that space that I think we've been talking

1275
00:59:45,320 --> 00:59:47,919
Speaker 2: about today is can you kind of create a safe

1276
00:59:47,920 --> 00:59:52,919
Speaker 2: space to have these uncomfortable conversations without any shame or guilt, right, And.

1277
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:56,800
Speaker 1: That becomes the foundation that ultimately selection matters. Who you

1278
00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:59,760
Speaker 1: choose to be with will absolutely dictate the outcome of

1279
00:59:59,760 --> 01:00:02,120
Speaker 1: your li relationship. And so I used to say the

1280
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:04,600
Speaker 1: key to a relationship is communication. I don't actually think

1281
01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:07,640
Speaker 1: it is. I think it's a growth mindset. Because if

1282
01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:09,480
Speaker 1: you do not have a growth mindset, no matter how

1283
01:00:09,560 --> 01:00:12,160
Speaker 1: much I communicate. You said that earlier, right, they may

1284
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,600
Speaker 1: not be able to respond. Now, think of all the

1285
01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:17,000
Speaker 1: hurdles and humps that we've been through in our relationship.

1286
01:00:17,240 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 1: How have we survived those because we are open to

1287
01:00:21,360 --> 01:00:26,040
Speaker 1: having the hard conversations. We're open to communicate and endlessly

1288
01:00:26,400 --> 01:00:28,640
Speaker 1: until we get to the solution. One of the rules,

1289
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:29,959
Speaker 1: So Tom and I have had a bunch of rules.

1290
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:32,360
Speaker 1: One of the rules is never apologize if you don't

1291
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:36,560
Speaker 1: mean it. And even in the moments of I'm deeply upset,

1292
01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:40,440
Speaker 1: he absolutely can say, baby, I know if I just

1293
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:42,440
Speaker 1: apologize to you right now, I know that you're going

1294
01:00:42,480 --> 01:00:45,360
Speaker 1: to feel better. But I can't apologize because I'm not

1295
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:48,520
Speaker 1: sorry for it. And what that does is that absolutely

1296
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:51,680
Speaker 1: elongates the conversation, the argument. It may go now now,

1297
01:00:51,720 --> 01:00:54,920
Speaker 1: for two days, three days, but ultimately we're not brushing

1298
01:00:54,920 --> 01:00:58,520
Speaker 1: it under the rug. We actually resolve it and go, Okay,

1299
01:00:58,840 --> 01:01:01,600
Speaker 1: I'm still very hurt, but let me actually work through

1300
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:04,560
Speaker 1: that hurt. Why am I hurt? Why was I triggered?

1301
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:06,760
Speaker 1: Why did you say that? You know? And then we

1302
01:01:07,000 --> 01:01:09,600
Speaker 1: just peel away the onion, peel away the onion to

1303
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:11,960
Speaker 1: get to that core. But it all comes from that

1304
01:01:12,080 --> 01:01:14,640
Speaker 1: growth mindset. And if you don't have it, no matter

1305
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,000
Speaker 1: how much you discuss it, you're going to hit a

1306
01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:18,720
Speaker 1: wall where you cannot be seen or hurt.

1307
01:01:19,120 --> 01:01:24,240
Speaker 2: Absolutely, Lisa, you are amazing. The book everyone is called

1308
01:01:24,320 --> 01:01:28,360
Speaker 2: Radical Confidence. Eleven lessons on how to get the relationship, career,

1309
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:30,480
Speaker 2: and life you want. Today we did a deep dev

1310
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:33,400
Speaker 2: on relationships, which I loved. But when you open up

1311
01:01:33,400 --> 01:01:37,000
Speaker 2: this book, you learn how to handle your negative voice,

1312
01:01:37,320 --> 01:01:40,800
Speaker 2: how you can overcome failure, how you can actually work

1313
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:44,320
Speaker 2: through your emotions and understanding them. Setting your value system

1314
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:47,240
Speaker 2: is a big part of this book. Breaking through your beliefs,

1315
01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:50,920
Speaker 2: building that growth mindset is all inside this book called

1316
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:53,640
Speaker 2: Radical Confidence. If you didn't get grab a copy two

1317
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,240
Speaker 2: years ago. Make sure you grab a copy right now.

1318
01:01:56,880 --> 01:01:59,960
Speaker 2: If you don't already subscribe to and watch Women of Impact,

1319
01:02:00,200 --> 01:02:00,800
Speaker 2: make sure you go.

1320
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:01,920
Speaker 4: And do that as well.

1321
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:04,640
Speaker 2: Lisa, it's always such aed you were talking to you,

1322
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:08,400
Speaker 2: because it's so lived. Everything you share is such lived experience,

1323
01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:10,440
Speaker 2: and I know you live by it because I know

1324
01:02:10,520 --> 01:02:13,280
Speaker 2: you and Tom, and on top of that, it's just

1325
01:02:13,320 --> 01:02:19,160
Speaker 2: so real. And I love having these really pragmatic, practical

1326
01:02:19,240 --> 01:02:25,520
Speaker 2: conversations around topics that can be very ethereal and uncomfortable

1327
01:02:25,560 --> 01:02:27,600
Speaker 2: and woo woo and kind of a bit like oh,

1328
01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:31,480
Speaker 2: you know, and to be honest manipulative and controlling, like oh,

1329
01:02:31,520 --> 01:02:33,600
Speaker 2: if you want him to do this, do this, if

1330
01:02:33,640 --> 01:02:35,760
Speaker 2: you want her to And it's almost like you actually

1331
01:02:35,800 --> 01:02:38,600
Speaker 2: can't get anyone to do anything. All you can do

1332
01:02:38,800 --> 01:02:41,320
Speaker 2: is all you can do is accept them for who

1333
01:02:41,400 --> 01:02:43,800
Speaker 2: they are or not. And I think when we're having

1334
01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:46,920
Speaker 2: these conversations, I'm really hoping that everyone walks away with

1335
01:02:48,600 --> 01:02:54,440
Speaker 2: an understanding of what type of quality of interaction and

1336
01:02:54,680 --> 01:02:57,960
Speaker 2: conversation to have with the individual. And the growth mindset

1337
01:02:57,960 --> 01:03:02,840
Speaker 2: point is in a relationship is huge, huge, because adaptability

1338
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:06,760
Speaker 2: and flexibility is at the core of anything long term,

1339
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:08,760
Speaker 2: and I've seen that with me and Raley too.

1340
01:03:08,800 --> 01:03:09,880
Speaker 4: There is just there.

1341
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:13,200
Speaker 2: I realize it all the time. It's things would only

1342
01:03:13,280 --> 01:03:17,320
Speaker 2: never work if we lost our flexibility and adaptability, and

1343
01:03:17,360 --> 01:03:20,880
Speaker 2: that's all growth mindset you have to And it's so

1344
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:23,240
Speaker 2: interesting how so often we don't want to be flexible

1345
01:03:23,240 --> 01:03:25,120
Speaker 2: and adapt to one by the way, that's okay too.

1346
01:03:25,800 --> 01:03:28,640
Speaker 2: So Lisa, thank you so much for showing up as

1347
01:03:28,680 --> 01:03:32,320
Speaker 2: always and just shedding someone's clarity on a really difficult topic.

1348
01:03:32,560 --> 01:03:36,440
Speaker 1: Thank you, Jay, thank you for having me. You're You're

1349
01:03:36,520 --> 01:03:39,120
Speaker 1: such a good dude. I freaking love you. I love

1350
01:03:39,240 --> 01:03:43,800
Speaker 1: Raddy like we're connected from day one, and the support

1351
01:03:43,840 --> 01:03:46,000
Speaker 1: and human that you are. I just want to say

1352
01:03:46,000 --> 01:03:48,520
Speaker 1: thank you for always being there as a friend.

1353
01:03:48,920 --> 01:03:51,600
Speaker 2: Thank you always always have you and anyone who's been

1354
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:54,240
Speaker 2: listening and watching. Make sure you tag me and Lisa

1355
01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:57,520
Speaker 2: on Instagram, on TikTok, on ex whatever platform you're on

1356
01:03:57,600 --> 01:03:59,960
Speaker 2: in the YouTube comments. Let us know what resonated with you,

1357
01:04:00,200 --> 01:04:02,320
Speaker 2: what's stuck with you, what you're trying out with your

1358
01:04:02,360 --> 01:04:06,040
Speaker 2: partner or potential partner. Please pass this on to a friend,

1359
01:04:06,200 --> 01:04:08,720
Speaker 2: someone in a relationship who's struggling, who's going through a

1360
01:04:08,760 --> 01:04:11,240
Speaker 2: tough time. I really believe it will give them the

1361
01:04:11,280 --> 01:04:14,320
Speaker 2: tools and the resources that they need to navigate and

1362
01:04:14,360 --> 01:04:16,520
Speaker 2: guide them through. And of course go and grab your

1363
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:20,000
Speaker 2: copy of Radical Confidence. It's available in paperback right now.

1364
01:04:20,120 --> 01:04:23,320
Speaker 2: Thanks so much everyone. Thanks Lisa than Say. If you

1365
01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:26,880
Speaker 2: love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor Daniel

1366
01:04:26,920 --> 01:04:30,320
Speaker 2: Ahman on how to change your life by changing your brain.

1367
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:35,760
Speaker 5: If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with

1368
01:04:35,840 --> 01:04:39,040
Speaker 5: a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or

1369
01:04:39,080 --> 01:04:43,520
Speaker 5: the curse to scam. Over one thousand convicted felons and

1370
01:04:43,680 --> 01:04:48,600
Speaker 5: over one hundred murderers and their brands are very damage.

1371
01:04:49,640 --> 01:04:52,720
Speaker 2: For Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the

1372
01:04:52,800 --> 01:04:56,280
Speaker 2: National Alliance of Mental Illness No ME. If you're someone

1373
01:04:56,280 --> 01:04:59,200
Speaker 2: you know is struggling with mental health, there is help.

1374
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:03,680
Speaker 2: Call nom Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI or

1375
01:05:03,800 --> 01:05:08,040
Speaker 2: go to www. Dot name dot org, forward slash help,

1376
01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:11,800
Speaker 2: or text Helpline to six two six four zero for

1377
01:05:11,880 --> 01:05:15,200
Speaker 2: immediate twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text

1378
01:05:15,360 --> 01:05:19,760
Speaker 2: nine eight eight or visit www. Dot nine eight eight

1379
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:21,400
Speaker 2: lifeline dot org