WEBVTT - Positively Gam: Will Smith - Living your Life with Compassion 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:06.600 So I don't feel like understanding that LUV is gonna work. 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:11.719 And when you use my acronym, okay, you just see 0:00:11.760 --> 0:00:22.520 you said it is you, Oh LUV. I don't see that. 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:25.360 We're gonna play that. We're gonna play it back for you. 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:28.639 We can play it back so you can hear the 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.720 tone with what you said. I was kind enough to 0:00:31.840 --> 0:00:34.400 come and see this is why it don't work. This 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:41.440 right here, it's why it don't work. What's up, everybody? 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:45.479 I'm Gammy and this is positively gam Every week I 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:49.839 try to have raw and in depth conversation with inspirational 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:56.040 people pushing for change on everything from aging, relationships, politics, wellness, 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:59.680 to the current issues facing the black community. And in 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:03.400 the episode, we're going to be discussing living your overall 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:07.840 life with compassion. And joining me on the podcast today 0:01:07.920 --> 0:01:11.480 to help break this all down is someone who doesn't 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:17.920 need an introduction. My son in law, Will Smith. Thank 0:01:17.959 --> 0:01:26.240 you Will for joining me today. I'm so excited to 0:01:26.280 --> 0:01:28.720 have you. I wanted to have you on to talk 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:34.839 about this really because once again, our conversations always start 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:38.240 out in the kitchen. There something about the kitchen that 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:43.000 just gets us going, and I want to just mention 0:01:43.120 --> 0:01:48.920 too that particularly yesterday, I walked into the kitchen and 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:54.120 you were having a conversation with Willow and she was 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:59.520 very emotional. But what I love about you guys is 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:04.560 that Willow and all of your children they kitnessy. I'm 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:09.200 getting teary because I need him to need them to. 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:11.880 I'm not crying though, but my eyes are just worring. 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:16.240 I have allergies. They can Your kids can come to 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:20.680 either one of you. There is a freedom and an 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:26.240 honesty and a safety that they feel able to come 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:30.360 to you or come to Jada with whatever is going 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:34.200 on with them. And I never had that. Jada never 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:38.600 had that. And the fact that you are able to 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:42.040 to share that open communication with your with all of 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:47.760 your children is so important. Yeah, it was wanted. The 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.840 the things that Jada and I agreed on really early 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:57.040 in parenting is that we wanted our kids to be 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:00.600 free thinkers, and we wanted them to be I'd open, 0:03:00.680 --> 0:03:05.160 to be comfortable being who they are. And as a 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:12.279 part of that, what we adopted was a no punishment 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:18.840 rule any time they tell the truth. And we established 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:22.480 with them very early and we had the circle of safety, 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:26.320 but reduced the circle of safety and in the circle 0:03:26.360 --> 0:03:30.679 of safety, the rule was, you can say absolutely anything 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:34.520 you've done, anything you've said, anything that's happened. You can 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:37.560 tell us anything in the circle of safety. And when 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:40.400 you say it in the circle of safety, you're exempt 0:03:40.400 --> 0:03:46.000 from punishment. Right if, however, you call a circle of 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:48.720 safety and there's a circle of safety, and you withhold 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:51.280 the truth in the circle of safety and we find 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:56.640 out later, now you're able to be punished. And that 0:03:56.800 --> 0:04:00.960 rule was really powerful for the kids young. They just 0:04:01.000 --> 0:04:05.200 got used to sharing their truth, saying what is what 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:08.680 was true, and what was deeply going on inside. And 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:12.360 we cultivated that at four years old. Five years old, 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:16.800 and I had to hear some things that I didn't 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:19.919 want to hear, and Willow tapped me out of a 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:24.080 couple of circussions, like, yeah, you just I think you 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:31.280 should just only do that with But the having contact 0:04:31.640 --> 0:04:37.599 with someone's truth and creating a space where someone can 0:04:37.839 --> 0:04:42.279 share the depth of their ugly truth is the only 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:46.240 way you can really have a relationship. Nobody's perfect. We 0:04:46.279 --> 0:04:48.880 are all struggling, we are all having a hard time, 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:54.080 we're all a mess. Understanding is the basis for love. Okay, 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:58.360 So let's get right to that then understanding and living 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:04.840 life with compassion. I feel like I certainly understand being 0:05:04.880 --> 0:05:10.880 able to put that into practice with someone that that 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:13.920 I love and care about. I haven't done it all 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:17.640 the time. And actually that's really been an area that 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:23.400 I realized that I haven't been living my life compassionately 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:27.320 showing compassion to ones that I love. I don't know 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:29.960 if I want to start out talking about living compassionately 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:34.320 showing compassion to ones you love or with ones that 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:39.799 you may be in conflict with the basic concept. And 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:42.840 when we had this conversation a couple of months ago 0:05:43.160 --> 0:05:45.719 in the kitchen, Yeah, that's where we're all our family 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:50.080 discussions kick off in that kitchen. So it was just 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:56.560 after quarantine had begun and the George Floyd's situation. Yes, 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:04.719 and when the George what situation happened? I had a 0:06:04.800 --> 0:06:10.040 strange and powerful life changing reaction to that. I looked 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:13.239 at it and I felt I was going to be called. 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:17.599 I felt like I was going to have to lend 0:06:17.640 --> 0:06:22.080 my voice to the situation, to the struggle. And I 0:06:22.120 --> 0:06:25.320 remember it was you, Willow and Jada in the kitchen, 0:06:25.360 --> 0:06:27.440 and I was like, okay, I said, guys, I know 0:06:28.279 --> 0:06:30.400 you know how I'm gonna help and how I'm going 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:33.120 to be a part of creating harmony between people and 0:06:33.160 --> 0:06:37.839 these difficult situations. And what we were talking about the 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:45.880 idea of love love is l u V. Listen, Understand 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:49.000 what the other person is saying and validate the parts 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:54.280 of it that you know are true. Listen, understand, validate, right? 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:58.279 Can you understand what the other person is saying? Not 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:00.880 even agreements. I'm not talking about agree and you don't 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:04.440 have to agree, You just have to listen. You have 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:08.839 to just understand what they're saying. You don't have to 0:07:08.880 --> 0:07:11.960 think it's true for you. I think that's the problem 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:18.160 because you almost feel like understanding is agreeing, right, Yes, absolutely, 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:21.600 it's really not. You just want to understand. And in 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:24.920 terms of that, we started with talking about the kids. 0:07:25.320 --> 0:07:28.920 How can I parent if I don't have an intimate 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:33.760 comprehension of what's going on with you, If I don't 0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:37.360 know all of the things that you're thinking and all 0:07:37.400 --> 0:07:41.520 of the things that you're feeling. Putting aside that I'm 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:45.040 scared that you have a friend that's doing drugs and 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:49.200 you're interested in you want to try it, right, I'll 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:51.200 tell you how my parents did and how I did 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:58.080 that was there's no real consideration with who the child 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:01.760 is and what they're going through. That was what happened 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:05.559 with me, and I'm pretty sure that's how I parented Jada. 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:09.320 I'm listening. I'm so sometimes I'm just in awe of 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:16.240 her that she survived me. Really really she's surviving and 0:08:16.280 --> 0:08:23.320 thriving and okay, but anyway, go ahead, we digress. But 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:27.200 the concept, if you think about it, even in terms 0:08:27.400 --> 0:08:31.160 of lawyers and her, Barack Obama say one time, and 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:34.880 it was such a brilliant idea, and he was saying, 0:08:35.000 --> 0:08:39.880 if someone's defense attorney, you don't need to prepare a defense, 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:45.760 You prepare the prosecution. You figure out intimately what the 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:49.520 prosecution is going to say, and then you prepare your 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:53.960 defense based on that concept. And I kept seeing this 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:59.280 idea over and over about understanding being the predecessor of harmony, 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:03.920 understand ending being the predecessor of love. So for me 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:08.840 as an actor, it's an easy thing. I get used 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:11.800 to learning how to put aside what I think to 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:15.280 understand a character. Right, So it's a simple thing. I 0:09:15.320 --> 0:09:21.600 get a script and the character is the most vile despicable, human, imaginable. 0:09:21.840 --> 0:09:24.800 But I released my judgment of that because as an actor, 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:28.760 I just want to understand what makes them tick. And 0:09:28.840 --> 0:09:32.160 it's a skill set that I firmly believe is the 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:38.440 single most valuable human interactive skill set. Can you put 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:41.920 aside what you think and you feel long enough to 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:45.240 understand what the other person? That really is a challenge. 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:48.720 I feel like that's easier said than done. That's really 0:09:48.960 --> 0:09:52.520 hard to do, and then put emotion on top of 0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:57.120 it autely. Jada is the one person on earth that 0:09:57.200 --> 0:10:05.040 I've been most successful with being able to navigate difficult, 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:12.160 painful situations strictly trying to understand what she thinks and feels. 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:15.840 Is there a process that you go through the love theory? 0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:22.080 That love theory, listen, understand, and then validate the parts 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:24.960 of it that you think are true. So talk to 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:27.640 me about the V part V part. So the idea 0:10:27.880 --> 0:10:34.200 of black lives matter? Okay, So from my point of view, 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:42.360 black lives matter is really freaking simple. So you'd say, 0:10:42.480 --> 0:10:49.560 what the hell is the conflict with black lives matter? 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:55.199 What is the discussion, what is the debate? What's the offense? 0:10:56.160 --> 0:11:00.840 And I found myself in that place, and then I said, okay, pause, 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:06.720 now let me use my own series. And I had 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:13.320 an associate on the set that was a serious uh trumper, 0:11:14.520 --> 0:11:19.560 and that just puts puts my hair up. So I 0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:22.720 was saying to myself, Okay, here, I need to practice 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:28.240 what I'm trying to preach. So I wanted to listen 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:33.800 because that can even feel impossible. So I said, so, 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:40.400 what's so offensive to you about the idea that black 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:47.120 lives matter? Right? He said, everybody knows that black lives matter. Okay. 0:11:47.200 --> 0:11:49.640 Now I'm like, I'm all right, Like I can't get 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:54.320 past the first It's like, because you want to say, 0:11:54.400 --> 0:11:57.200 we wouldn't have to say it if every everybody knew. 0:11:57.240 --> 0:11:58.600 But I was like, no, that's not a part of 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:01.360 my theory. I have to listen. I have to listen 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:05.079 and have to understand what's going on, and then I 0:12:05.120 --> 0:12:07.640 have to validate the parts of it that are true. 0:12:08.000 --> 0:12:14.040 So I said, so, what you're saying is there's some insult. 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:20.080 It's like someone saying something to you that you already know. 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:24.120 So you find insult because in order for someone to 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:27.880 say to you that black lives matter, there's the assumption 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:32.559 that you think they don't, and he said, yeah, absolutely said, 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:33.800 why are you saying it to me? Why are you 0:12:33.800 --> 0:12:36.000 looking at me when you say black lives matter? Okay, 0:12:36.080 --> 0:12:42.319 So I'm trying to and I'm rasing, and I'm i'm 0:12:43.440 --> 0:12:46.719 and I'm like, okay. But what we ultimately guys see 0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:52.480 you look at you folding your heart already. But that's 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:57.920 what I realized. What became the problem is we actually 0:12:58.400 --> 0:13:01.320 don't want to understand in each other. We don't give 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:07.240 a damn about understanding each other. We want you gotta 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:11.760 understand me. And one of the laws of the seven 0:13:11.760 --> 0:13:17.439 habits of highly effective people is seek first to understand 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:24.400 before seeking to be understood. And as a principle, it's 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:30.920 such a valuable principle. But when that emotion riles up, 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:34.080 it's such a difficult thing to rustle down. But what 0:13:34.120 --> 0:13:36.360 I did is I rustled down with this guy and 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:41.680 I said okay. And what we got to is he 0:13:41.920 --> 0:13:47.440 felt insulted when someone said it to him. He didn't 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:53.520 disagree with the idea overall, but he felt attacked by 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:57.120 people directing it at him. Why are you saying it 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.440 to me? Like? Why are you in it up in 0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:05.440 front of my house and within it. He felt that 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:12.920 he was being called racist by the phrase being directed 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:17.960 at him, and I could relate to that. I didn't 0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:25.880 necessarily agree. There was a certain amount of false perception 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:28.600 that he was living with. He just didn't have the 0:14:28.680 --> 0:14:32.440 experiences that I had. He didn't grow up the way 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:35.200 that I grew up. He didn't have the relationship with 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:38.680 police that I had. Actually had the opposite reaction. How 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:42.640 could he possibly know what was going on with me? 0:14:43.360 --> 0:14:45.760 But in the process, what I found is when he 0:14:46.120 --> 0:14:49.400 saw that I wasn't going to attack him, When he 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:56.960 saw that, I legitimately wanted to understand. After he felt validated, 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:00.800 I listened, I understood what he was saying. I repeated 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:04.360 back to him what I heard. That was the validation. 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:08.000 That was the validation. It's like, I get that, I 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:16.840 understand how you, not being racist can feel attacked and 0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:23.160 assaulted by someone painting you with the blanket brush of 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:28.560 racism without even knowing. You're just white, so you're racist. 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:33.680 In the story, in his mind, he wasn't a Trumpster 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:36.880 because he was racist. He didn't think of himself as 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:40.480 a racist. The fact that I thought of him as 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:45.320 a racist was offensive to him. So I was like, 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.880 you know what. I get that. I can see how 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:56.360 my assumption that that flag and your political affiliation, I 0:15:56.440 --> 0:16:01.000 get how that could be offensive. That I am assuming 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.080 that you're a certain kind of person. I get that, 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:11.120 I understand that it's not my intention to paint you 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:14.200 with that brush without actually knowing who you are. I 0:16:14.240 --> 0:16:17.440 can see how that could be offensive. But what happened 0:16:17.520 --> 0:16:20.440 is we got to that point. Then he was open 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:27.400 to hear some of my experiences without me listening, understanding 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:30.200 what he was saying, validating the parts of it that 0:16:30.240 --> 0:16:32.720 I believe are true. He would have never even been 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:38.680 open to hear my experience. So the process of understanding, 0:16:39.360 --> 0:16:44.000 the process of listening, understanding, and validating is how you 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:49.760 open people to hear your side of the story. But 0:16:50.040 --> 0:16:53.600 what was his response when you shared your experience? Did 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:57.480 you feel like he had the same understanding the way 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:01.800 you understood him. Do you that he in turn was 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:08.680 able to listen and understand your I felt like he 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:14.200 he heard me clearly. I felt like he believed me, 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:20.120 But he didn't have the emotional experience. He didn't experience that. 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:24.639 But we had created an environment where we didn't argue 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:31.000 and fight, and ultimately separate and a disheremonious position. We 0:17:31.000 --> 0:17:34.640 were able to go back to work in a way 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:38.679 that at a minimum, we were both opened up to 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:46.359 the possibility of deeper understanding, which to me, evolving our 0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:52.520 understanding and evolving our perceptions, evolving our consciousness is all 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:57.080 we're trying to do. And it's really difficult to do 0:17:57.160 --> 0:18:02.320 that by punching people in the phase. Yeah, I get that, 0:18:02.760 --> 0:18:07.480 and listen, I know how to fight, right so if it, 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:10.720 if it go down, I like my chances against most people. 0:18:11.160 --> 0:18:19.240 I just learned that you really can't create peace with Hey, 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:23.280 you're like you, you can't create peace with violence. And 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:29.040 as as difficult as it is to open up our 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:34.560 hearts and try to find the humanity in the other person, 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:40.719 that person is suffering. That person is struggling in the 0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:43.879 same ways that you are. That person has family members 0:18:43.880 --> 0:18:46.720 that are dying. That person has all of the same 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:49.720 stuff you're going through. You gotta admit, though, that when 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:53.920 we are in the atmosphere that is running rampant through 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:58.879 the nation right now, that it's extremely difficult, extremely difficult 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:03.520 to have to try to stop and have understanding. Yes, 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:11.040 it was extremely difficult, absolutely, I personally don't see another option. 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:19.760 The other option is a deterioration into full civil war, 0:19:19.960 --> 0:19:22.880 full race war. We're on the cusp of a room 0:19:23.119 --> 0:19:30.040 absolutely and in our country, and I I'm trying to 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:33.320 not make it political. I wanted because to me, this 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:38.400 is not a political situation as much as it's a 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:44.680 spiritual and emotional situation. I love the phrase hate the sin, 0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:49.879 not the center. It's the power of non violent resistance. 0:19:49.960 --> 0:19:54.160 That's what the power is of non violent resistance, right 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:57.560 That's what's the beauty of what we've been seeing in 0:19:57.600 --> 0:20:01.560 the majority of non violent protest as the non violent 0:20:01.840 --> 0:20:07.080 part of it is what leaves the opening as soon 0:20:07.119 --> 0:20:11.680 as it deteriorates into violence and everybody gets scared. Now 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:16.320 there's people are you either fight or you separate. But 0:20:16.440 --> 0:20:20.960 we've seen this for years and over and over again. 0:20:21.440 --> 0:20:26.400 We've seen how the non violence protesters get then get 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:32.080 attacked with violence. And so I understand the concept, and 0:20:32.119 --> 0:20:35.200 I understand the need for it. It just seems so 0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:40.359 unattainable right now. So for me, as far as being unattainable, 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:46.200 I realized that I have to do my part. One 0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:48.320 of the first things I started doing is going through 0:20:48.359 --> 0:20:50.119 my own life because I was like, I can't be 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:53.120 a hypocrite going out in the street talking about this. 0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:56.600 And then I had a situation where I hadn't spoken 0:20:56.600 --> 0:21:00.720 to Janet Hubert in twenty seven years, So for me, 0:21:01.040 --> 0:21:03.760 that was one of the first things and cleansing my 0:21:03.960 --> 0:21:07.520 heart looking at my life and where I had personal 0:21:07.720 --> 0:21:13.600 intimate situations where I wasn't practicing loving kindness, and that 0:21:13.680 --> 0:21:16.000 was one of the things, the first things that when 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:19.560 I went and sat down with Janet Hubert, and it 0:21:19.640 --> 0:21:23.760 was so beautiful and it was so cleansing, and one 0:21:23.800 --> 0:21:27.720 of the first things I said to her was, I 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:31.640 don't know your story. I was living a completely different 0:21:31.680 --> 0:21:35.640 story when we were arguing and fighting. And I opened 0:21:35.680 --> 0:21:38.320 it with, please tell me your story. Please tell me 0:21:38.400 --> 0:21:42.639 what you were experiencing. And that was the listening. That 0:21:42.760 --> 0:21:45.520 was the listening part. And then as she talked, then 0:21:45.560 --> 0:21:50.520 I understood the pain and I understood the suffering and 0:21:50.600 --> 0:21:54.200 even the parts of it that I had caused unconsciously. 0:21:54.960 --> 0:21:58.280 And then I validated the that you know what I 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:03.919 can see where that was excruciating and I'm sorry to 0:22:03.960 --> 0:22:06.919 have been a part of that kind of pain in 0:22:07.000 --> 0:22:09.240 your life. That's not my intention it's not who I need, 0:22:09.800 --> 0:22:12.119 not who I want to be, and that's not the 0:22:12.200 --> 0:22:14.359 kind of person that I'm trying to be in this world. 0:22:14.600 --> 0:22:16.800 I know that I actually talked to you about this 0:22:17.000 --> 0:22:23.240 and another kitchen conversation that, interestingly enough, keeps leading us 0:22:23.320 --> 0:22:27.679 back to or keeps leading me back to um trying 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:33.240 to live my life more compassionately. I had a horrible 0:22:33.280 --> 0:22:37.920 situation that happened with myself and someone who I care 0:22:38.160 --> 0:22:42.679 for deeply, and I said some really hurtful things to 0:22:42.760 --> 0:22:46.840 that person. Now I'm in the position that I potentially 0:22:46.880 --> 0:22:52.320 have done irreparable damage to this relationship. But what it 0:22:52.400 --> 0:22:57.160 always brings me back to is me. Absolutely, it always 0:22:57.200 --> 0:23:00.879 brings me back to me because the one I'm the 0:23:00.920 --> 0:23:06.880 only person that I can change, and I'm the one 0:23:06.920 --> 0:23:10.000 who needs to be to want to change. I'm the 0:23:10.000 --> 0:23:14.480 one that I have to concentrate on and just trying 0:23:14.520 --> 0:23:20.480 to figure out how do I live life in a 0:23:20.560 --> 0:23:25.320 compassionate way. I had some deep conversation with Jada and 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:29.520 then I did I watch you guys, and I see 0:23:29.920 --> 0:23:32.280 what you guys do, and I did the same thing 0:23:32.520 --> 0:23:35.919 because Jada does it too. She'll cut herself off and 0:23:36.000 --> 0:23:40.879 be with herself and get into study and listening and reading. 0:23:41.080 --> 0:23:43.520 And I did that. I came home that weekend and 0:23:43.600 --> 0:23:50.080 I just started getting into some spiritual work, some meditation, 0:23:50.160 --> 0:23:54.520 which is very difficult for me, meditation very difficult, but 0:23:54.680 --> 0:24:01.159 really listening to some spiritual guides. And I realized was 0:24:01.200 --> 0:24:08.000 that I number one and not living mindfully. There's so 0:24:08.080 --> 0:24:11.119 much going on in my life all this My phone 0:24:11.240 --> 0:24:13.679 is in my hand all the time, like I'm not 0:24:13.760 --> 0:24:17.919 even paying attention to what is going on around me, 0:24:18.240 --> 0:24:21.480 how people are feeling, what people are going through. I'm 0:24:21.520 --> 0:24:25.320 just running my mouth, just coming out of my mouth 0:24:25.359 --> 0:24:29.199 that I'm not even paying attention to the circumstances, what 0:24:29.320 --> 0:24:32.879 the person may be going through. I'm all up in 0:24:33.000 --> 0:24:35.960 my head with my judgments and the way I think. 0:24:36.440 --> 0:24:40.520 So that's the same thing when we talk about attack 0:24:40.600 --> 0:24:45.280 and defense. Right when you're out, it's all outflow. Everything 0:24:45.400 --> 0:24:49.119 is outflow. Everything is about what you want, Everything is 0:24:49.160 --> 0:24:56.200 about satiating and gratifying your needs. So that, in a sense, 0:24:56.359 --> 0:25:00.000 is a gentle form of the concept of attack and defense. 0:25:00.600 --> 0:25:04.240 I want X, so I'm gonna go get it. And 0:25:04.280 --> 0:25:06.679 if you're in the way, you are an obstacle. And 0:25:06.720 --> 0:25:10.560 if you're doing something, then I'm gonna defend myself against 0:25:10.680 --> 0:25:13.040 you trying to prevent me from having what I want. 0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:18.919 So the what I'm advocating for in that process of 0:25:19.920 --> 0:25:24.440 pausing for a minute is to just pay attention. Yeah, 0:25:24.520 --> 0:25:27.359 I think that's what I'm missing a lot of times. 0:25:27.440 --> 0:25:30.600 Can you just be still for a minute, as simple 0:25:30.720 --> 0:25:35.359 as think before you speak. I mean, it's not this 0:25:35.640 --> 0:25:46.520 thing before you speak. I want to go back to 0:25:46.560 --> 0:25:51.760 something you said that relationship being irreparable. I used to 0:25:51.840 --> 0:25:58.480 believe that. I no longer believe that any relationship is irreparable. 0:25:58.520 --> 0:26:01.480 As long as both people are still a live I 0:26:01.520 --> 0:26:05.480 don't believe that the relationship is irreparable. I believe that 0:26:05.720 --> 0:26:13.679 people are craving loving kindness so bad, People are starving 0:26:14.600 --> 0:26:22.520 so hard for just gentle care right that, when properly 0:26:23.000 --> 0:26:31.639 applied two even the most degraded minds. I believe that 0:26:32.200 --> 0:26:37.920 loving kindness has a magical effect when you are authentically 0:26:39.160 --> 0:26:45.600 have a deep concern for someone's well being, if you 0:26:45.640 --> 0:26:49.159 can create the environment that's common enough for that to 0:26:49.200 --> 0:26:55.240 get communicated. I don't there's very few minds that can 0:26:55.320 --> 0:27:01.360 resist pure, genuine care and concern for their well being. Right. 0:27:01.760 --> 0:27:07.679 But in understanding that, I too recognize that I decided 0:27:07.760 --> 0:27:12.320 that I could not make that my focus. I couldn't 0:27:12.359 --> 0:27:16.720 make repairing the relationship the focus. It's not really about 0:27:17.040 --> 0:27:22.560 because unfortunately she was in the path of my chaos, 0:27:23.080 --> 0:27:27.600 and it's I'm unfortunate that she got hurt as a result. 0:27:28.119 --> 0:27:31.920 But what it did do was, like I said, put 0:27:31.920 --> 0:27:34.960 the focus on me. So I feel like I have 0:27:35.119 --> 0:27:39.439 to do the work on me, and then when I 0:27:39.520 --> 0:27:42.400 do come back into her life, I will come back differently. 0:27:42.440 --> 0:27:45.440 But I think initially I was just worried about Oh, 0:27:45.640 --> 0:27:48.800 I don't want her to feel like I'm just being phony, 0:27:48.840 --> 0:27:51.720 that I'm not being real, that I'm not being honest 0:27:51.960 --> 0:27:55.760 with my with my intent, And so I had to 0:27:55.800 --> 0:27:59.440 put all of that aside and just continue to do 0:28:00.080 --> 0:28:04.119 work that I need to do on myself and just 0:28:04.920 --> 0:28:09.120 pray that when the time is right, the relationship will heal. 0:28:09.200 --> 0:28:14.800 Over time, when we heal ourselves all of our relationships. 0:28:14.800 --> 0:28:19.240 Hell yeah, that makes sense to me. So we cleansing 0:28:19.480 --> 0:28:25.399 our own internal poisons, I think is a big part 0:28:25.480 --> 0:28:30.560 of being able to create harmonious relationships. And as I 0:28:30.600 --> 0:28:34.399 look at the world right now and this there's such 0:28:34.440 --> 0:28:40.920 a major fight for correcting systems. And we're fighting so 0:28:41.000 --> 0:28:45.400 hard to correct systems, and I'm like, the problems in 0:28:45.440 --> 0:28:50.720 the hearts and minds of Americans, I know that's that's 0:28:50.880 --> 0:28:54.360 we don't we can't wait for that. We absolutely can't 0:28:54.360 --> 0:28:57.080 wait for that. We have to be able to change 0:28:57.320 --> 0:28:59.719 the systems that are in place right now. It's like 0:29:00.040 --> 0:29:06.440 with the concept of interacting with police officers. And I 0:29:06.520 --> 0:29:10.680 did a ride along with L A. P. D. And 0:29:10.760 --> 0:29:12.280 I sat in the back of a police car and 0:29:12.320 --> 0:29:14.160 I ducked down and I wrote around in a police 0:29:14.200 --> 0:29:19.600 car and seuf Los Angeles for six hours. And the 0:29:19.720 --> 0:29:25.440 problems are beyond anything that most of us could even imagine. 0:29:25.880 --> 0:29:33.080 The the level of psychological and mental abuse on both 0:29:33.120 --> 0:29:41.920 sides renders the situations deeply volatile and almost unworkable without 0:29:41.960 --> 0:29:47.120 a new skill set. Like there is an educational process. 0:29:47.160 --> 0:29:54.000 There is a massive change that needs to needs to occur, 0:29:54.600 --> 0:29:59.120 But a big part of the change is in the 0:29:59.240 --> 0:30:05.080 hearts and the mind of people. And which do you 0:30:05.120 --> 0:30:08.680 think is going to be easier. We're talking about the 0:30:08.800 --> 0:30:16.560 evolution of human beings, right and where it comes. I'm 0:30:16.600 --> 0:30:22.520 just saying, when it really came back to for me 0:30:22.560 --> 0:30:25.680 when I looked at at the situation and when I 0:30:25.760 --> 0:30:30.120 finally realized I just had to do my part. And 0:30:30.400 --> 0:30:33.000 all I could do is I had to create a 0:30:34.160 --> 0:30:36.920 situation in my home. I had to solve all the 0:30:36.960 --> 0:30:40.600 issues in my home, and I had to build myself 0:30:40.680 --> 0:30:44.040 and I had to become Oh, it was a great 0:30:44.040 --> 0:30:45.760 thing we were talking about with the I think we 0:30:45.840 --> 0:30:50.840