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Speaker 1: The Fred Show is on. It's Stay or Go.

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Speaker 2: Sabrina is here. Good morning, Sabrina. How you doing well?

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Speaker 1: Sabrina? Thank you for hitting us up.

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Speaker 2: Fred Showradio dot com, Fredhir Radio on Instagram. You can

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Speaker 2: find this there too. What's the deal with this dude?

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Speaker 2: Your boyfriend? Why don't you tell us everything?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? So my boyfriend is wonderful. I really love him,

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Speaker 3: but I feel like we kind of have a different

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Speaker 3: way of dealing with conflict and it's really starting to

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Speaker 3: sort of take it out on me. Whenever there's any

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Speaker 3: kind of issue between us, he just runs away immediately

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Speaker 3: and he'll like leave the situation. He won't respond to

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Speaker 3: me until he feels like he's in a place where

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Speaker 3: he's cooled down.

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Speaker 1: He's your boyfriend's name, Fred? Is he a sanitarius?

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Speaker 4: You need to literally anymore? You need to run for

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Speaker 4: your life.

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Speaker 1: This is big tim Well run I don't agree with it.

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Speaker 2: Just because you like the explosive conflict doesn't mean I

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Speaker 2: have to like explosive.

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Speaker 4: What's that explosive conflict?

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Speaker 2: Well, this guy doesn't want any conflicts, I know, But

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Speaker 2: can't you just have a conversation that never happens? Really,

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Speaker 2: I'm not avoiding a conversation. I'm avoiding a fight any way. Continue,

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Speaker 2: So this guy you got to fight right now?

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Speaker 1: What I'm saying, I don't go where are you going for?

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Speaker 5: I don't have explosive conflict anymore. Really, everything is a

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Speaker 5: calm conversation. Really, Yes, I don't think that's most people.

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Speaker 5: I don't think every I think that's the when's the

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Speaker 5: last time you had a what what percentage of the

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Speaker 5: doose of you in relationships? What percentage of the time

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Speaker 5: have you had a calm conversation versus all?

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Speaker 4: This is also me. But what are we going better?

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Speaker 4: We're doing better.

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Speaker 6: We're at eighty twenty now, so eighty percent not calm,

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Speaker 6: twenty percent calm.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're getting there.

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Speaker 7: It's always calm because he walks away and leaves like

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Speaker 7: Sabrina's man, he's not here for it, all right.

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Speaker 2: So you so, what would you prefer, Sabrina, You'd prefers

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Speaker 2: like just to have it, because a lot of people would.

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Speaker 2: I'm not saying I'm not being critical of the person

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Speaker 2: who want to have fights. Some people like to have fights.

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Speaker 2: It's over, it's done, you know. But the problem with

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Speaker 2: fight Sabrina is in my experience, you wind up going

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Speaker 2: to a place so that has nothing to do with

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Speaker 2: the argument in hand, and then you wind up having

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Speaker 2: a back out of that fight before you get to

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Speaker 2: the part that you were really upset about.

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Speaker 1: And that's me.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I just I feel like it doesn't have

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Speaker 3: to turn into a fight. I like to communicate and

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Speaker 3: talk things out and like deal with them head on

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Speaker 3: in the moment. And he's like, I just don't want

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Speaker 3: to say something that I'll regret, and it's how I've

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Speaker 3: always been and like, so I get that he's more

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Speaker 3: avoidant than I am, and I'm more like, let's just

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Speaker 3: face his head on and deal.

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Speaker 4: With it right now.

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Speaker 3: Like we have all these things right now, and I

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Speaker 3: know that sometimes they can be tense, Like the conversations

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Speaker 3: can definitely be tense, but I don't yell or you know,

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Speaker 3: say things below the bell. I feel like, you know,

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Speaker 3: I just I don't know why we can't just have

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Speaker 3: like a civilized conversation.

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Speaker 7: It doesn't mean it has to be a fight.

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Speaker 8: You know.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So have you communicated this to him, Have you said, like, hey, look,

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Speaker 2: you know this isn't working for me. You're avoidant and

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Speaker 2: I need something.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, and I feel like, oh, I feel like

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Speaker 3: you're stone on me, Like I will want to say

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Speaker 3: something in the moment and you just like physically won't

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Speaker 3: even let me talk. And he's like, you know, I'll

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Speaker 3: talk to you. I'll talk to you when I cooled down.

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Speaker 3: When it's cooled down, It's like, well, then every conversation

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Speaker 3: is just on your term.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's fair. Let me ask you this, Sabrina. Have

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Speaker 2: you has he learned? Like have you really blown up

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Speaker 2: at him before?

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Speaker 1: Have you?

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Speaker 2: Have you in previous sort of conflict or attempted conflict resolution,

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Speaker 2: have you said things that you don't mean and had

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Speaker 2: to backtrack? I mean, because I think in my experience,

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Speaker 2: the times that I'm really conflict avoidant is when in

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Speaker 2: the past I know that the conflict is typically feudle.

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Speaker 2: It's it's not going to be helpful, right, you know,

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Speaker 2: Like the times I want out are the times where

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Speaker 2: I'm like, this person's going to fly off the handle

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Speaker 2: and say something stupid and then we're going to have

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Speaker 2: to deal with that too. So you know, those are

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Speaker 2: the times when I'm like, I don't I'm not doing

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Speaker 2: this with you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I hope I'm aware enough to say,

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Speaker 3: I really don't think I do that. Like I was

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Speaker 3: raised with parents who are really really good communicators, and

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Speaker 3: you know, I know his upbringing was a little different,

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Speaker 3: but I just feel like everything revolves around his.

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Speaker 4: Comfort, but what about my comfort?

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Speaker 3: He just shuts down when there's any chance for a

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Speaker 3: conversation and just kind of abandons me until he's ready

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Speaker 3: to talk, and he tries to tell me how, you know,

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Speaker 3: I try to tell him how it makes me feel,

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Speaker 3: and that it honestly, it makes me feel scared, like

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Speaker 3: he's leaving, like this abandonment feeling in me every time

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Speaker 3: that he does that, but he doesn't seem to be

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Speaker 3: willing to change and just tells me like that's the

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Speaker 3: way that he handles things. And I get that everybody

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Speaker 3: has different kind of languages, but it just doesn't It

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Speaker 3: really doesn't seem fair. And I feel like I'm trying

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Speaker 3: to be as honest and vulnerable as they can. I mean,

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Speaker 3: I've had nights where it's been days and nights where

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Speaker 3: I'm just waiting to hear from him, and I'm like,

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Speaker 3: i can't sleep, I can't eat because I'm.

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Speaker 1: That's not fair.

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Speaker 2: He's got to come back to the table, but at

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Speaker 2: the same time, and it sounds like you've given him

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Speaker 2: the chance to come back to the table, but it

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Speaker 2: takes him days, and that's not meeting your needs. I mean,

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Speaker 2: what I've also found with people who like to fight

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Speaker 2: versus me not liking to fight, is that they also

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Speaker 2: don't give the cool off period. Though, Like I do

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Speaker 2: think there's a reasonable amount of time, be it a

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Speaker 2: couple hours or a night or something, to like let

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Speaker 2: the actual cool down. But if you don't let the

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Speaker 2: cool down take place, and it's like it's almost like

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Speaker 2: an extension of the fight now days, I think that's unfair.

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Speaker 2: But like you know, minutes hours in evening, I don't

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Speaker 2: think that's unfair. Do you actually leave him, do you

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Speaker 2: leave him alone to try and actually calm down?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I won't like pester him or like poking him

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Speaker 3: if he's really really upset, or maybe sometimes I'm the

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Speaker 3: one who's upset. I don't like fighting, but I do

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Speaker 3: like talking. I feel like it's not see I feel

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Speaker 3: like he thinks it's like him versus me, and I

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Speaker 3: feel like it's us versus the issue.

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Speaker 9: Yeah, I mean, him running is all about his comfort,

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Speaker 9: Like where's your comfort coming to play for him? Because

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Speaker 9: you feel like you're getting abandoned, even if it's an evening.

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Speaker 4: So where's him meeting you halfway? I don't see that.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's exactly what I've been.

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Speaker 7: Trying to say.

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Speaker 2: All right, A lot of people in here are saying

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Speaker 2: a lot of the sextal saying go. But I'm curious

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Speaker 2: to see what people have to say eight five, five, five, nine, one,

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Speaker 2: one o three five, stay or go? Thank you, Sabrina,

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Speaker 2: have a great day to have the radio one. We'll

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Speaker 2: see what people say, and then the least strangers will

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Speaker 2: dictate the rest of your life.

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Speaker 1: All right, okay, thank you.

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Speaker 8: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think there's a happy medium here, Like I think

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Speaker 2: I think this dude needs to be more responsive, But

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Speaker 2: I also think she needs to be aware that he

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Speaker 2: doesn't want to fight with her.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't.

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Speaker 2: He doesn't. He doesn't because she admits that. She said

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Speaker 2: in the call that sometimes it goes to a place

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Speaker 2: that doesn't need to go, and that's I think those

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Speaker 2: of us who are not into conflict, that's what we're

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Speaker 2: trying to avoid, is the hostility of the moment, the

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Speaker 2: emotions of the moment, taking over the issue at hand.

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Speaker 2: But you're right, that can't last two days, three day,

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Speaker 2: that's unfair. But if someone needs a little bit of

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Speaker 2: time and something tells me maybe he's just that arrogant

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Speaker 2: and narcissistic and just doesn't care about her at all,

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Speaker 2: but something tells me that he's learned his lesson about

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Speaker 2: trying to engage with her in the heat of the moment, which, again,

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Speaker 2: everyone's entitled to their own approach. But like, if I

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Speaker 2: know that you're explosive, and I know that, or I

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Speaker 2: know that this is going to become a screaming match,

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Speaker 2: and I know that it will likely dig up other

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Speaker 2: things that have nothing to do, then I'm probably gonna

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Speaker 2: walk away for a little while. I'm gonna come back,

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Speaker 2: but I really don't want to get into it on

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Speaker 2: anything more than what we're talking about right now. Times

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Speaker 2: right then, in my experience, is not the time to

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Speaker 2: do it. I don't know, well, when you.

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Speaker 6: Say walk away, like, are you the type that actually

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Speaker 6: does physically leave, because that's such a big trigger for me,

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Speaker 6: and we talked about it here too on the show.

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Speaker 4: But like the.

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Speaker 6: Leaving part, like if having my fiancee was to get

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Speaker 6: up and physically leave and drive away and I'm watching him.

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Speaker 6: That would just honestly make me go even more crazy.

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Speaker 6: But I'm trying to be more respectful and kind of

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Speaker 6: meet his needs too, which I need to calm down.

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Speaker 4: I need the one I need to give him space.

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Speaker 6: I got to be the one that kind of like

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Speaker 6: step back, So I'm really trying to do that.

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Speaker 2: Does he leave because and let me ask you this,

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Speaker 2: if he were just to go to another room, would

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Speaker 2: you leave him there or would you walk in the

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Speaker 2: other room and keep talking?

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Speaker 6: Okay, yes, I'm a I poke, I poke and nod know,

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Speaker 6: I know. And then I realized, like I'm not doing

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Speaker 6: any good with this, so then.

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Speaker 4: I left him alone.

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Speaker 6: So I'm upstairs, he's downstairs, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 6: And he needs his time, but I'd rather just talk.

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Speaker 4: It out now. She called them tense conversations.

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Speaker 9: She was like, I never yelled, they never get loud,

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Speaker 9: So like, tense conversations will save your relationship every time,

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Speaker 9: Like people have to be comfortable with the uncomfortable sometimes.

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Speaker 1: Roman, Hi, Roman, how you doing?

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Speaker 8: Hey?

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Speaker 1: D stay or go?

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Speaker 10: What do you think if she loves them and it

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Speaker 10: can be worked out, stay, I think she's assertive. That's

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Speaker 10: why you know, she grew up in a family where

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Speaker 10: they communicated very well. Maybe his upbringing was very passive

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Speaker 10: and they avoided conflicts, so there is conflict resolution. She

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Speaker 10: probably has some form of emotional intelligence and a good

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Speaker 10: EQ and you know, I think they could work it out.

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Speaker 10: But she has to make the requests to be more

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Speaker 10: communicative and give him a chance. And if he just

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Speaker 10: you know, continuously doesn't try to fix it and then.

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Speaker 2: Maybe walk well, and a good time to talk about

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Speaker 2: it would not be in the midst of a fight

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Speaker 2: when you're being you know, saying hey, you always say

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Speaker 2: you that, like maybe a calm time would be the

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Speaker 2: time to say, hey, what I know that you need

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Speaker 2: to walk away for a minute, but I need some resolution.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to feel abandoned, like, you know, can

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Speaker 2: can we take take a beat but then come back

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Speaker 2: and talk about in a reasonable period of time That

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Speaker 2: that might be the approach, talk about it like you know,

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Speaker 2: when it's all good, But I feel like that's not

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Speaker 2: what happens. Does these things happen and then you know,

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Speaker 2: everyone has their process and then either the problem goes

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Speaker 2: away never really resolved, or does get resolved, and then

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Speaker 2: the next time it comes up is the next time

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Speaker 2: that there's a problem, as opposed to like the downtime

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Speaker 2: when everything's okay.

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Speaker 10: Exactly, and if he needs time to cool off, maybe

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Speaker 10: give it to him, maybe once or twice. And then

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Speaker 10: when he does cool off, go back to that conversation

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Speaker 10: and she can make the request to have him be

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Speaker 10: more assertive and try to fix it on the spot.

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Speaker 1: All right, thank you, Roman, have a good day. Sounds

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Speaker 1: like he has a hostage in the background. Talk exactly.

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Speaker 2: Let her out of the cage, drove, let her go,

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Speaker 2: It's okay, let her go, Adriana, good morning.

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Speaker 1: You say stay yeah.

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Speaker 7: I say say mainly because my husband was the same

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Speaker 7: way when we were in the dating phase and now

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Speaker 7: you've been married going on five years and we had

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Speaker 7: that issue. He would just kind of like shut down

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Speaker 7: on me completely. I mean, like we're in the conversation,

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Speaker 7: he's just not saying anything. So we just kind of

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Speaker 7: came over something that works for us. So if he's

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Speaker 7: super upset, if I'm like super upset, whatever the situation is,

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Speaker 7: we'll like take a beat. Normally write a letter and

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Speaker 7: either we'll slop it out, read it or just kind

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Speaker 7: of helps us to cool down and like really iron

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Speaker 7: out our thoughts on paper. So when we say him

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Speaker 7: out loud, it's like we're clear and level headed, where

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Speaker 7: we're not talking, you know, in the moment and saying

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Speaker 7: those things we may regret or whatever. So they just

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Speaker 7: have to find that medium, like what works for both

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Speaker 7: of them, not just her, not just him. They have

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Speaker 7: to like come in and meet each other like both,

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Speaker 7: you know, in the middle.

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Speaker 1: So I like it.

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Speaker 2: I like it, Bun, thank you have a good day. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: love you, Rufia. While youre smiling over there, you're you're

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Speaker 2: the conflict avoiding guy I am.

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Speaker 1: I do not like confrontation.

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Speaker 11: I do not like conflict, Like when just and I fight,

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Speaker 11: Like she wants to talk it out right there and

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Speaker 11: I won't even like I can't even look in her

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Speaker 11: an eye, like I will look anywhere else but at her,

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Speaker 11: and now, like I don't know what it's just it's

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Speaker 11: what I do. I hate him that I do it

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Speaker 11: like that. But I hate talking in the moment because

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Speaker 11: I know I'm gonna say something wrong.

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Speaker 4: Yeah you love I will low blow or say something

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Speaker 4: stupid or.

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Speaker 11: Bring up something that happened ten years ago, and then

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Speaker 11: it just starts a bigger fight.

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Speaker 2: Like so I tried to exactly what I'm trying to

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Speaker 2: avoid exactly.

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Speaker 1: I don't run away.

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Speaker 11: I don't like I don't leave the house or anything

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Speaker 11: like that. I just sit there and then just I

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Speaker 11: feel so bad for just because like she tries to

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Speaker 11: have this conversation and I just feel like an idiot

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Speaker 11: because I'm just sitting there like uh huh right, yeah,

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Speaker 11: Like the shortest answer is like like and I get

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Speaker 11: over things so quickly, like like I'll be like, Okay,

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Speaker 11: that's I'm done.

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Speaker 1: But she'd be like, what do you mean that's it.

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Speaker 1: I'm over, Like it's let's move on. She's like we

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Speaker 1: can't move on. We didn't even talk about it.

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Speaker 11: I'm like I'm done, Like it's over, Like I'm fine now,

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Speaker 11: But it.

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Speaker 1: Was always your phone. You're good, yeah, Aaron, Hi, erin Hi, Aaron,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Welcome, stay or go.

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Speaker 8: I think that she should say why, because like what

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Speaker 8: if he is the one who's like the Ragia Hollick

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Speaker 8: and has gone to therapy and this is like his

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Speaker 8: like anger management, like coping coming out, like he needs

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Speaker 8: to walk away because he can't contain his anger.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Well that's another thing too, is like I guess as

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Speaker 2: a person, Rufio's you know, he's over here exposing his weakness.

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Speaker 2: He's aware of his weakness.

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Speaker 1: Uh.

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Speaker 2: A lot of people go to therapy, they try very

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Speaker 2: hard to be self aware, and sometimes you're fighting with

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Speaker 2: somebody who's not the least bit self aware, and they

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Speaker 2: they in their mind, believe that they're presenting as one thing,

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Speaker 2: when in fact they're presenting it something else. So I

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Speaker 2: guess sometimes there's the person who's like really working on

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Speaker 2: it myself, like really putting in the work and has

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Speaker 2: for years. Sometimes I'm resentful of the person who's not,

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Speaker 2: because it's like, wait a minute, I'm trying to figure

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Speaker 2: this out in a way that's best for me and

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Speaker 2: best for you, and then you're over here just screaming

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Speaker 2: at me or whatever, you know what I mean. So

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes that can be difficult to because the

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Speaker 2: playing fields aren't always even when you're fighting with someone.

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Speaker 1: Great. Yeah, I appreciate that. Have a good day friend.

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Speaker 1: You're so right all the time. Hey, Jeff, how you

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Speaker 1: do go?

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Speaker 10: I would say, go.

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Speaker 12: Uh, she's not in a healthy relationship. She's sounds like

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Speaker 12: she's an irritating woman.

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Speaker 10: If she if she asked you something, you don't hear

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Speaker 10: what the answers.

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Speaker 12: She's looking for, and you know it turns into a

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Speaker 12: larger question, and then the question never gets answered.

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Speaker 4: You women ask questions.

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Speaker 10: I have a wife like that, I know.

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Speaker 1: The feeling for her.

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Speaker 4: Are you a cop?

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Speaker 1: The thing is, yes, I'm fine, but.

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Speaker 10: I believe he should either.

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Speaker 12: Growsome to fasterone can leave, or she should believe the

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Speaker 12: situation they're not at a good place.

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Speaker 1: Okay, fair enough, Jeff, thank you. There you go, this.

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Speaker 4: Guy to the divorce court.

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Speaker 1: He seems to have it all figured out. That's all

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Speaker 1: you gotta do.

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Speaker 4: Got the answers.

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Speaker 1: Everybody knows that. Yeah, Jeff, I'm sure he's prudential. It's fine.

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Speaker 2: I mean, maybe he's been married and happily married for

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Speaker 2: a long time and we're the ones who don't get it.

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Speaker 1: The Entertainment reports next