Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. Hi, what's going on? Chelsea? I
Speaker 1: have a couple of follow ups for it is our favorite.
Speaker 1: So our first follow up comes from Katie. She called
Speaker 1: in on the Ethan Natalman episode about she was taking
Speaker 1: some Xanax because she was in a really stressful job.
Speaker 1: She smokes a lot of weed. You had told her, like,
Speaker 1: you know, if you need to take a break, take
Speaker 1: a break just to do a little reset, like you
Speaker 1: had done last year, So she says. I added a
Speaker 1: link at the end of this message to a video
Speaker 1: that I apparently recorded when I got back from Greece
Speaker 1: and was so stoned that I forgot I made it.
Speaker 1: I started to record again, and my friend said, why
Speaker 1: are you doing that again? Taking a break from weed
Speaker 1: definitely worked, and I'll be taking more regular breaks. I
Speaker 1: have still not been able to get my hands on
Speaker 1: chocolate mushrooms, which you also recommended to her or she
Speaker 1: was curious about. Thankfully, my new job is infinitely better
Speaker 1: than my previous job, and I haven't had a panic
Speaker 1: attack or needed Xanax in a while. Yes, thanks again
Speaker 1: for such a cool experience, Katie. Great. I'm not even
Speaker 1: sure how we helped her, but it sounds like she's
Speaker 1: doing great. I couldn't get her mushrooms. I remember she
Speaker 1: lived in the Northeast, right, Yes, and she didn't know
Speaker 1: if mushrooms were legal, blah blah blah. But she stopped
Speaker 1: taking xan X. That's good. I always have to taper
Speaker 1: my zan X because when I travel, especially, I love
Speaker 1: I fucking love zan X, but it's not good for you,
Speaker 1: and so I can't take it as frequently as I
Speaker 1: would like. Yeah, so I'm going to actually share this
Speaker 1: video with you. She's she's very stoned. She's very very stoned.
Speaker 1: So quick video update her conversation. And after fifteen days
Speaker 1: off and smoked my first joint. As you can see,
Speaker 1: it did the trick. So she took a break from
Speaker 1: weed or she did it, and this is her first
Speaker 1: time back, her first time to take smoking it again.
Speaker 1: That's how I looked when we did my interview with
Speaker 1: Ben Bruno. Good work, Katie, good work. Way to go.
Speaker 1: I mean, and you know what, now that I've tried
Speaker 1: the chocolate mushrooms, they were a very chill experience, like
Speaker 1: I felt them, but not in a way that I
Speaker 1: didn't feel like I could be having a cocktail at
Speaker 1: the same time sort of thing. It was not overwhelming. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were very light. I felt like it was just
Speaker 1: a good time. Like you said, it's very giggily. I
Speaker 1: noticed the lights were a little bit strong. When I
Speaker 1: went inside. I was like, wow, those lights are so
Speaker 1: bright sort of thing. But really I could feel when
Speaker 1: they tapered up and when they tapered off, like at
Speaker 1: the end of dinner. Basically really, yeah, did you take
Speaker 1: the gun? You took the chocolate or the gummy? Those
Speaker 1: were light? Yeah, I doubled up the next side. I
Speaker 1: took two. Yeah, and I felt it then, but one
Speaker 1: was mild, So yeah, it was perfect. So we went
Speaker 1: to a party that was out in the valley and
Speaker 1: a friend of ours had some mushroom capital fun mushrooms
Speaker 1: coplets or capsules, well capsules, but I think it's something
Speaker 1: that they made at home, like measured out thing. So
Speaker 1: I had said to Brad, did you like ask him
Speaker 1: how much is in these? And he said no. But
Speaker 1: I was sort of thinking they might be a micro
Speaker 1: dose in there, right, So I tell brand I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: you have to find out is this a good time
Speaker 1: or is this like a micro dose? Like we just
Speaker 1: need to know kind of what we're getting into. But
Speaker 1: he refused. He was like, no, you can't ask about
Speaker 1: that stuff, or you're from your drug dealer. Was like,
Speaker 1: this is not a drug dealer. It was like a
Speaker 1: friend from He's like, well, I'm not going to text
Speaker 1: in that, Like that does make sense to me. You
Speaker 1: don't want to put that in a text message or
Speaker 1: like you know, He's like what if he doesn't know
Speaker 1: the measurements. I'm like, but he'll know if they're like
Speaker 1: one is a good time or five is a good time?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean, what do you think about that?
Speaker 1: As far as like asking, Oh, I mean, I'm always
Speaker 1: the person that everyone's asking because I'm a is the
Speaker 1: one doling out the drugs and everyone's like how many milligers?
Speaker 1: I'm like, who cares? You're fine? But I actually took
Speaker 1: mushrooms on Vancouver Island and I had a terrible reaction
Speaker 1: to them. But I was so jet lagged. I think
Speaker 1: it was the jet LaGG because I don't ever have
Speaker 1: bad reactions to drugs. And I was like, wait what, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's fine to ask who cares? I mean,
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, you sound kind of like a pussy
Speaker 1: but I mean it's good. Yeah, you're okay with that,
Speaker 1: So you just want the information. So exactly, I'm someone
Speaker 1: who researches something to death before. I like, yeah, I see,
Speaker 1: I'm that's what I'm the opposite of whatever you are.
Speaker 1: I know what, if somebody hands me drugs, it could
Speaker 1: be a stranger. I'm like, this isn't gonna put a
Speaker 1: dent in me. You know. That's how I feel. Although
Speaker 1: I've become a little bit more of a lightweight in
Speaker 1: recent years, so I guess I'm just transitioning into a
Speaker 1: elderly lightweight person. Well, and also right now there's a
Speaker 1: lot of like scary ship and drugs out there. Yeah no, no,
Speaker 1: you can't do cocaine. You can't do like ecstasy. They
Speaker 1: put in all this stuff like sentinels and everything, so
Speaker 1: you can't really and no one knows how much. Like
Speaker 1: apparently that was what killed Tom Petty. Is he had
Speaker 1: gotten I think some sort of pain killers or something
Speaker 1: like not crazy drugs, just like some sort of pain
Speaker 1: killers from the internet, and they had fentinel in them. Oh,
Speaker 1: is that what happened? Yeah, that's I was. Once had
Speaker 1: a friend's birthday party and Tom Petty and his wife
Speaker 1: showed up or his girlfriend as a surprise to the
Speaker 1: birthday girl, and so weird. So he was so weird looking,
Speaker 1: you know, in person, you're just staring at him, like,
Speaker 1: what a strange looking man? Yeah he is kind of
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, not strange, I guess isn't the right way
Speaker 1: to say it, but maybe different than you'd expect. Yeah,
Speaker 1: strange to me. Was there anyone who you've ever met
Speaker 1: that really you got star struck? Probably Tom Cruise because
Speaker 1: he's like bigger than life. I was walking out of
Speaker 1: my agent's office and he was walking into my agent's
Speaker 1: office when I was at c A, and I was
Speaker 1: like wow, Like I just couldn't even believe him. I
Speaker 1: was like, WHOA like it, you know, because he's like
Speaker 1: so ridiculously famous that you're just and then he was
Speaker 1: the cloth Chelsea, you know, like very intensely looked in
Speaker 1: my eyes, and I was like fun of him and
Speaker 1: Gaty Holmes like on my TV show. So I was
Speaker 1: just like, funk, I don't want to even add this interaction,
Speaker 1: like please be nice to me. So Luke was our
Speaker 1: one straight guy who called in Oh my god, yes,
Speaker 1: token is of everyone. Yes, exactly. He called it on
Speaker 1: on a Faris episode and had a friend who was
Speaker 1: dating a girl who was pretty controlling, and he didn't
Speaker 1: know if he should confront his friend about this. I
Speaker 1: think the advice was, we've already sort of mentioned in
Speaker 1: a few times, you might need to lay off because
Speaker 1: it's sort of his choice to make. But Luke followed
Speaker 1: up and he said he actually ended up getting engaged.
Speaker 1: I decided to follow Chelsea's advice and not bring up
Speaker 1: his relationship to him again, and I let it go.
Speaker 1: It's tough to stand by and watch, but at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, it's his life. Luke, Oh, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: there you go. Yeah, well that's the right thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think so. And also, I really firmly believe that
Speaker 1: from an outside perspective, you can never truly understand what's
Speaker 1: happening in someone's relationship. And for example, I had a
Speaker 1: friend who I wasn't super like worried for her getting
Speaker 1: married to this guy. But someone that close friend of
Speaker 1: mine married who was sort of very vanilla ice cream,
Speaker 1: you know, like not offensive, but not very exciting, sort
Speaker 1: of boring. I thought you'd get very bored, and like, now,
Speaker 1: several years later, she's very happy they have a family together,
Speaker 1: and she's like living the life that she wants, I
Speaker 1: think in in most ways, and so people do mature.
Speaker 1: Maybe this girl is going to mature and become a
Speaker 1: better partner. Yeah, you never know, Like, yeah, you could
Speaker 1: grow to like somebody after a bunch of times, and
Speaker 1: your judgment over someone else's situation is just pretty invalid anyway. Yeah,
Speaker 1: or you know, they might get a divorce and and yeah,
Speaker 1: and then you can really lay into her exactly. Our
Speaker 1: next follow up comes from Marcus. He called in when
Speaker 1: Monica Patman was on the show, and he says, Hi, Catherine,
Speaker 1: I was just thinking about how I needed to update
Speaker 1: you guys on what happened. He had a really conservative family,
Speaker 1: that orthodox what was it called, really orthodox family contemplating
Speaker 1: moving out, Yes, exactly, and we told him to get
Speaker 1: the funk away from his family. Indeed, he said, I
Speaker 1: did in fact move out, and it was super dramatic. Basically,
Speaker 1: my whole family turned their backs on me for a
Speaker 1: portion of time. I set firm boundaries with everyone, and
Speaker 1: Chelsea's advice was ringing in my ears to keep me
Speaker 1: moving forward during the darker times. As of now, my
Speaker 1: family is not thrilled about my move, but we have
Speaker 1: a cordial relationship and I visit them from time to time,
Speaker 1: which I think is perfect. That was my commentary. Although
Speaker 1: moving out has not solved all of my issues and
Speaker 1: my roommates can be a lot to navi gate at times,
Speaker 1: in many ways, I believe the universe is forcing me
Speaker 1: to learn boundaries. I am incredibly excited and empowered that
Speaker 1: it took the initiative and made this move. I do
Speaker 1: have mood swings and definitely depressive episodes alike, but I'm
Speaker 1: incredibly honored to say that I am alive. The feeling
Speaker 1: of quote living is not something I can say I
Speaker 1: felt for a long time. I feel like I'm a
Speaker 1: participant in my life again, and I feel hopeful for
Speaker 1: the life I'm creating. A main driver in this decision
Speaker 1: was the podcast, and I can confidently say, you guys
Speaker 1: change the trajectory of my life. I have a new therapist,
Speaker 1: a new apartment, and a new lease on life. Best Marcus,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, home run Marcus. What a great update. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm so thrilled for him, and like navigating roommates stuff
Speaker 1: is very normal. You know, that's all just the stuff
Speaker 1: you deal with in your twenties. But I'm so happy
Speaker 1: to hear that his family has already come around, right exactly.
Speaker 1: That's the best news. Oh my god, I love it it.
Speaker 1: I love it. I love telling people to get away
Speaker 1: from their families and then they take that advice and
Speaker 1: then it ends up all good and moving in the
Speaker 1: right direction. Marcause I'm so happy for you. It's just great.
Speaker 1: It's just great. I loved that email. Almost moved me
Speaker 1: to tears. Well, Chelsea, should we get into some Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: we're not having a guest today. We're doing some episodes
Speaker 1: without guests to see how you guys like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean some guests are great, and actually all of
Speaker 1: our guests have been good. I haven't had any doozy, No,
Speaker 1: no dud's. Oh I can think of a doozy. I'll
Speaker 1: tell you after. Okay, I can actually think it would
Speaker 1: I bet it is. I like having guests and I
Speaker 1: also like not having guests, so I'm hoping to either way.
Speaker 1: I mean, some guests are great, so they're worth having some.
Speaker 1: Some guests are good and some are great. Yeah, Julianna
Speaker 1: margulis Is our people are so writer die I think
Speaker 1: she already is our writer die so pleased. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: Well let's take a quick break because we have to,
Speaker 1: and then we'll come back with some emails. Okay, sounds good.
Speaker 1: Let's go take a bath, and we're back. Setsy, very setsy.
Speaker 1: I just want you to know, Katherine before we get
Speaker 1: into today's episode, that I'm heading straight from here going
Speaker 1: to my ophthalmologists to figure out how to replace my
Speaker 1: eyes because I can't fucking see anything now after six o'clock.
Speaker 1: If I get a little stoned, I can't see anything.
Speaker 1: If I have a buzz, I can't see anything of
Speaker 1: close distance is fine because I had lazy. But there's
Speaker 1: a thing you can get called mono vision, which one
Speaker 1: eye short and one eyes long. And I'm like, but
Speaker 1: that's a little dizzy ng it sounds so I have
Speaker 1: to go today to see what my other options are.
Speaker 1: And I'm hoping that I could just get an eye implant,
Speaker 1: just have them. I want to take Bird's vision and
Speaker 1: install it into my head that I'm gonna have Bird's
Speaker 1: brown eyes while Chell see. Actually, I actually have one
Speaker 1: follow up that I wanted to share from Cat, and
Speaker 1: she wrote in and said, can you all, please shut
Speaker 1: the funk up about the Kardashians. If I hear an
Speaker 1: update about the Kardashians on another platform right now, I
Speaker 1: will shoot my ears out. Seriously, what the hell? All
Speaker 1: the best? Cat? That's so funny. I read this and
Speaker 1: I just couldn't stop laughing. I just love it. That's funny,
Speaker 1: spinking of the Kardashians. I shot a SKIMS campaign. I
Speaker 1: used to make fun of the Kardashians, and now I'm
Speaker 1: working for one. Can't you can't escape them? No, it's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: You can't. You can't. And now their whole there's a
Speaker 1: new generation of them coming, So what the fuck? You
Speaker 1: just have to sit down and bear it. It's pretty
Speaker 1: but yeah, I hear you. I I can't believe it either.
Speaker 1: In like thirty years, north is going to be running
Speaker 1: for president. Don't even They're here to stay? Isn't her
Speaker 1: name north Star? Northwest? Oh? I hope her middle name
Speaker 1: is Star though. I think that's great. My favorite these days, though,
Speaker 1: out of the Kardashians, is Court. She just seems really real,
Speaker 1: you know what. I feel like a bit and I
Speaker 1: like that, yes, but also like having just binge watched
Speaker 1: all of the Kardashians. She is somebody who like, I
Speaker 1: love this. This woman writes in about listening to Kardashians,
Speaker 1: and now we're talking about that. Look what you've done. No, no,
Speaker 1: out of respect for the writer, let's end this conversation.
Speaker 1: As much as you want to talk about them, you
Speaker 1: have to save it for another episode. Captain. We have
Speaker 1: to be loyal to our viewers, I mean listeners. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you're fucking listening or viewing. And if
Speaker 1: you're viewing, please tell me how you're viewing, because we
Speaker 1: don't record this for exactly. It is actually on YouTube,
Speaker 1: but it's just a still it's not the video's not
Speaker 1: out there, so you can watch a still photo while
Speaker 1: we talk. Oh that's lame. Yes, well, shout out to
Speaker 1: all our YouTube listeners. We had an email come in
Speaker 1: just like a day or two ago from Emma, and
Speaker 1: she was so sweet. She said, Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend
Speaker 1: of seven years technically a little on and off, but
Speaker 1: three years straight now broke up with me this week.
Speaker 1: We've been struggling for a while, but working through it.
Speaker 1: I thought during our last disagreement he told me he
Speaker 1: couldn't do it anymore and that he's felt this for
Speaker 1: a while but didn't know how he could tell me
Speaker 1: he loves me but isn't in love with me. I'm
Speaker 1: blindsided and indescribably sad. Our town isn't tiny, but small
Speaker 1: enough we'll run into each other. I'm supposed to be
Speaker 1: starting grad school for a therapy program in a week
Speaker 1: and don't know how I'll focus. I'm afraid I'll never
Speaker 1: move on. How can I move forward and heal? Because
Speaker 1: right now it seems impossible. Emma, Oh, that's sad, you feel,
Speaker 1: you're so sad. But first of all, you're going to
Speaker 1: grad school. That why do you think it's to The
Speaker 1: timing is as perfect as it could be. That's exactly
Speaker 1: what you need to do is go to grad school
Speaker 1: and get first of all, in education, in a higher education,
Speaker 1: and get a huge pivot in your life. He just
Speaker 1: told you he doesn't he's not in love with you,
Speaker 1: like there's no other way to say it. The only
Speaker 1: victory you can have now is completely diving into yourself
Speaker 1: and going to school, focusing on yourself, focusing on your
Speaker 1: career ahead and grieving with it, but knowing that you
Speaker 1: have something else going on in your life. Otherwise you're
Speaker 1: just gonna sit at home and cry about this and
Speaker 1: be depressed because he doesn't he's not in love with
Speaker 1: you anymore. No, that's not an option. Yeah, give yourself
Speaker 1: a little bit of time to to feel this, Eat
Speaker 1: some chocolate ice cream, do what you gotta do. But
Speaker 1: you know you're gonna meet so many new people, and
Speaker 1: not just you know, potential romantic people, but new friends.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have new experiences as you start grad school.
Speaker 1: I think you know she doesn't want that though. I
Speaker 1: know you're listening and you don't want new experiences. You
Speaker 1: want your old experience. But I'm here to tell you
Speaker 1: that this is a huge opportunity for growth for you
Speaker 1: and that you are going to be fine. You are
Speaker 1: going to be okay, and you're going to get through this.
Speaker 1: And the first step is going to grad school. That's
Speaker 1: exactly what you should be doing. And you're going to
Speaker 1: run into him. Great every time, it's going to be
Speaker 1: easier than the last time. But you have to think
Speaker 1: of this as an ending and for that relationship and
Speaker 1: a beginning for the rest of your life. I love that.
Speaker 1: I think that's wonderful, and it will get easier, like
Speaker 1: I think maybe not every day, but every week it
Speaker 1: just gets easier, don't you think it's definitely definitely Yeah,
Speaker 1: thanks for writing in Emma and all the best. Let
Speaker 1: us know how grad school goes. You know, when you
Speaker 1: break up with somebody and you kind of go back
Speaker 1: to all of your people, it's like very nice and
Speaker 1: you feel very grateful. You're like, oh, wait, I wasn't
Speaker 1: as present before. You know, when you're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: you're never as present. But I don't like to think
Speaker 1: of myself as as that, you know, like I like
Speaker 1: to think that I am available even when I'm in
Speaker 1: a relationship. But when I think back about my most
Speaker 1: recent relationship, I'm like, oh, I was on tour, so
Speaker 1: that took up time, and then the other twenty percent
Speaker 1: was always with my ex boyfriend, and I'm like, wait,
Speaker 1: I had no time for any of my friends or
Speaker 1: any of that stuff. So that's like interesting. And the
Speaker 1: other thing I am conscious of watching, like having awareness
Speaker 1: of now is like phases of grieving or getting over
Speaker 1: a breakup. Like once you have the vocabulary and you
Speaker 1: understand what's happening, you understand that the more distance you get,
Speaker 1: the more perspective you'll have and the more clarity you
Speaker 1: get when you're in such a state with somebody, and
Speaker 1: especially if the relationship dissolves, you're both not thinking clearly
Speaker 1: at all, you know. And so when you get the
Speaker 1: perspective and you allow enough time because people people think
Speaker 1: time is bad, but like the longer that you have away,
Speaker 1: the clearer that you are able to see things and
Speaker 1: understand exactly what transpired instead of being emotional about it,
Speaker 1: you know. So it's nice to see the different phases
Speaker 1: of a breakup or grieving or whatever you want to
Speaker 1: call it, because you know, I didn't want to ever lessen.
Speaker 1: I didn't ever want to take a way like meaningful
Speaker 1: things that I said I didn't want to like. It
Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're not true, right, I don't want to
Speaker 1: do anything to negate me being my best possible version
Speaker 1: of myself during this breakup. Being able to conduct yourself
Speaker 1: in a way that you feel respectful of is really
Speaker 1: great lesson to learn. Yeah, I mean, and it usually
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't come to a person until they're in their
Speaker 1: forties because we're so stupid. But I really feel like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is one way to conduct yourself, and it's the
Speaker 1: best way, and you're always you're not gonna have any regrets,
Speaker 1: and you don't participate in any Like I have a
Speaker 1: couple of girlfriends who read you know, they will go
Speaker 1: on someone's Instagram and then go to the other person's
Speaker 1: Instagram that they're photographed in their picture with to research
Speaker 1: that person. And and these are grown women and they're
Speaker 1: my close friends, and I'm like, you guys, and they're like,
Speaker 1: we just need to know, we need to know, Like
Speaker 1: I don't, Like they don't. I know they don't, but
Speaker 1: they think they do. They think they're collecting information. That's
Speaker 1: their answer. They're collective confirmation. But I think it's good
Speaker 1: not to collect if formation to have a separation be
Speaker 1: a separation, Like you're now separate, and there's no reason
Speaker 1: to be going doing those things. Not because they're childish,
Speaker 1: because that's kind of sounds judgmental, but it is childish,
Speaker 1: and it's better. It doesn't matter what that person is
Speaker 1: doing or thinking or saying about you. It doesn't matter exactly.
Speaker 1: And also, like you don't get the headspace that you
Speaker 1: would if you were just like giving yourself time away
Speaker 1: from thinking about that or thinking about it, but not
Speaker 1: engaging with that person their Instagram whatever. I mean when
Speaker 1: you talk about as we mature, we react differently. I
Speaker 1: had one friend a few years ago who got divorced
Speaker 1: from her husband. They had been together for twelve years,
Speaker 1: married for five, and she actually went through her whole
Speaker 1: Instagram and deleted every picture of them together, and like,
Speaker 1: it wasn't a particularly nasty divorce, it was pretty amicable.
Speaker 1: But I was like, you, you can't just erase somebody
Speaker 1: from your life, you know. I think it's interesting when
Speaker 1: people want to do that. Well, that's being angry or
Speaker 1: reactive or well, I guess you wasn't being reactive because
Speaker 1: it was after that, but it is being reactive. It's like,
Speaker 1: just honor the what it was. You don't have to
Speaker 1: erase it exactly exactly. But I mean, I think something
Speaker 1: that's totally undervalued is the value of giving yourself to
Speaker 1: space and time. Like people want to rush things. I
Speaker 1: know I certainly do. I'm very impulsive, like I want
Speaker 1: answers and results quickly whenever I'm interested in something or
Speaker 1: the outcome of something. But that adult nous to give
Speaker 1: yourself space and time to actually reflect and digest and
Speaker 1: get clarity is like, oh, Okay, now, you know, I
Speaker 1: feel like a woman. Yeah, And it's a gift to
Speaker 1: yourself to be able to like give yourself that clarity,
Speaker 1: give yourself time to heal. But also, you know, like
Speaker 1: you said, healing doesn't necessarily mean that you're like totally
Speaker 1: moved on for that person, or you're you know, you
Speaker 1: don't ever think of out them anymore, or there's no
Speaker 1: chance of getting back together. That's not what it means.
Speaker 1: Healing means that you get that different perspective and you
Speaker 1: can think about it differently. Yeah, right, right, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a good point to people confuse that word a lot.
Speaker 1: What do you think about closure? Everybody talks about closure.
Speaker 1: I mean, listen, it's not fun to be like, you know,
Speaker 1: left in the lurch and not know what happened. That
Speaker 1: is not ideal. But I don't know how many closures
Speaker 1: do people need, you know, that's my thing. It's like,
Speaker 1: if you're broken up, you're broken up, do you need
Speaker 1: to break up twice? Everyone thinks that they want closure,
Speaker 1: but I'm not positive that that's true. Yeah, you want
Speaker 1: to know what happened, So I think that Also, it's
Speaker 1: so nice to be with your family, you know, and
Speaker 1: be reminded of like the people that have been in
Speaker 1: your life forever and will always remain on your team
Speaker 1: and be It's very nice to have that familiarity with family,
Speaker 1: especially with my sisters, because you know, brothers are useless.
Speaker 1: My one brother, Roy is the sweetest thing in the world.
Speaker 1: He's adorable and so loving and just a sweetheart. And
Speaker 1: then I have my brother Glenn, who's just an idiot.
Speaker 1: You know, he has no concept of how he is
Speaker 1: or cares. He doesn't care because he's fucking He just
Speaker 1: thinks he's killing it. He's a straight white male. Were
Speaker 1: saying over fifty that's the key ingredient. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: a different dynamic, Like it is nice to be around
Speaker 1: people who obviously they loved yourrects and they loved being
Speaker 1: around him, but they love being around you just you
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, oh yeah. I mean well that's it.
Speaker 1: I mean how many times can I say yeah, well, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: Family is great. Family is great. Everybody write that down.
Speaker 1: Write it down. Our next email, Chelsea, this is a
Speaker 1: juicy one. This is from Shana. Should I get my
Speaker 1: water wings? Shana's twenty nine. She says, Dear Chelsea, about
Speaker 1: eighteen months ago, a friend of mine ended an engagement
Speaker 1: with his girlfriend of many years. They just wouldn't have
Speaker 1: been able to make it work. The breakup was super
Speaker 1: hard on both of them, and he feels bad he
Speaker 1: let the relationship go on too long. He's been talking
Speaker 1: to a therapist and believes it was the right decision
Speaker 1: to end things. He just wants them to be able
Speaker 1: to have closure. He recently contacted her to get the
Speaker 1: ring back, as well as some of his other stuff. Well,
Speaker 1: she returned his stuff, but not the ring. He tried
Speaker 1: to contact her about it and got radio silence. Legally,
Speaker 1: the ring should return to him. Since the wedding didn't happen,
Speaker 1: the ring doesn't officially become a gift. But before he
Speaker 1: takes legal action against her, is there any way I
Speaker 1: can help him get the ring back peacefully? Shana? Uh?
Speaker 1: First of all, Shana, you better not let you if
Speaker 1: you're influencing him at all, Do not let him take
Speaker 1: legal action to get his fucking ring back. He just
Speaker 1: broke up with her. She's allowed to keep the ring.
Speaker 1: The ring was a gift when he gave it to her,
Speaker 1: not when they get married. So you're letting him influence
Speaker 1: your thinking because you're a woman and you should know better.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I think? I think Shana is
Speaker 1: the new girlfriend. Yeah, obviously I thought I really had
Speaker 1: like a you're going to sue to get your fucking
Speaker 1: engagement right back? Who does that? Especially because like he
Speaker 1: broke it off. And here's the big thing to me
Speaker 1: is Shana says he broke off an engagement with a
Speaker 1: longtime girlfriend, not girlfriend fiance first of all, but second
Speaker 1: of all, he let eighteen months go by without bringing
Speaker 1: this up. Eighteen months. That's too long, even if like,
Speaker 1: and I looked at the laws on this too. Laws
Speaker 1: different differ from state to state. So some states have
Speaker 1: a law where like it becomes the woman's like as
Speaker 1: soon as she I love to research, Chelsea, I actually
Speaker 1: really do, but so you know, it depends on the state.
Speaker 1: It sounds like in their state it does legally revert
Speaker 1: to the giver since the wedding didn't happen. But if
Speaker 1: the wedding had happened it here's my my thought, if
Speaker 1: if he had asked within a month or two, maybe,
Speaker 1: First of all, it's not up to the man to
Speaker 1: ask for the ring back. It's up to the woman
Speaker 1: if she wants to give it back, and any other
Speaker 1: man or a non binary person that has been proposed
Speaker 1: to and is returning a ring, it's up to the
Speaker 1: person the recipient of the gift, that's at their discretion,
Speaker 1: not the person who gave the gift. You can't ask
Speaker 1: for a gift back, you know what that's called. We're
Speaker 1: not allowed to say that term anymore, right, But and like,
Speaker 1: what are you gonna do give us your next girlfriend?
Speaker 1: That's gross, Like I used engaged, just want some money
Speaker 1: back so we can go buy her another one. I know.
Speaker 1: I heard a story about that too recently, that somebody
Speaker 1: got proposed to his next girlfriend with his old girlfriend's engagement. Fine,
Speaker 1: if you need a deal, honor ring should just be
Speaker 1: taken out of the equation altogether. They seem it's it's
Speaker 1: a bit silly. Go on a vacation. Yeah, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go to Bora Bora. I gotta figure that out. Every
Speaker 1: time I see pictures on Instagram of Bora Bora, I'm
Speaker 1: just like, holy fun. I went there once with my
Speaker 1: girlfriend Sophie and we spent a week there and I
Speaker 1: was like, this is like a honeymoon. I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is what I was my honeymoon to be like my
Speaker 1: girlfriend and myself and just drank. Every time we came
Speaker 1: out of the water. They handed me a mango margarita
Speaker 1: because that would be the last thing that I drank
Speaker 1: they came. It was just it was heaven. You could
Speaker 1: be in that water for seven hours a day, and yeah,
Speaker 1: I gotta get back there. It's a long trip. And
Speaker 1: I cried the day we left. There was heaven, heaven.
Speaker 1: Where is Bora Bora like Tahiti? Okay? Okay, just yeah,
Speaker 1: I know exactly where Tahiti is, so that's great. It's
Speaker 1: like French Polynesia. Okay, so that whole area. I think
Speaker 1: I have some research ahead of me when I get
Speaker 1: Bora or no, maybe that's by Indonesia Bora Bora because
Speaker 1: when we came from No, we came from Papiete. No, yeah, Tahiti. Okay,
Speaker 1: I happen to India. They take you? Did you go
Speaker 1: to Bali? Yeah? That was cool, It's cool. It was
Speaker 1: interesting to see the two different sides of it, Like
Speaker 1: how there's like one side that's so beechy and rustic.
Speaker 1: I've just never seen that much pollution in my life.
Speaker 1: And the beaches. Yeah, it was all washed up, so
Speaker 1: the cut beaches were covered. I went for a surf competition.
Speaker 1: We must have been there at a different time because
Speaker 1: they were pristine when we went. Yeah, well, I think
Speaker 1: parts of the island. But there's those big pires, right,
Speaker 1: it's not that what they're called, those of garbage in
Speaker 1: the ocean. And then they washed ashore so they had
Speaker 1: a massive My friend used to run that WSL so
Speaker 1: they had like a massive cleaning of the ocean thing
Speaker 1: where everybody in the same day went out to clean
Speaker 1: the ocean and get bad by sharks. Attacked by sharks.
Speaker 1: Sharks are everywhere now. I know. There's like a shark
Speaker 1: app that tells you where all the sharks. Many of
Speaker 1: them are tagged in the Cape Cod area, and if
Speaker 1: you look at it, it's like what the entire ocean
Speaker 1: and to the ocean. Yeah, yeah, they're all up like
Speaker 1: in the northeast now because they're like, we like this better,
Speaker 1: and they're coming closer and closer. And you can say
Speaker 1: whatever you want about sharks not attacking, but they attack,
Speaker 1: and that's what's happening. They're fucking hungry and not attacks
Speaker 1: just sometimes only when they get a taste for it right. Well,
Speaker 1: our first color today is West. West has a pretty
Speaker 1: crazy situation. West says Dear Chelsea. I'm a former foster
Speaker 1: parent who mostly took respite cases. One of my recurring
Speaker 1: cases were two brothers. They and all their siblings, aged
Speaker 1: zero to ten, were in and out of care. I
Speaker 1: became close enough to the bio parents that I would
Speaker 1: occasionally babysit the kids even when they weren't in the system.
Speaker 1: The bio parents felt close enough to me to confide
Speaker 1: in me one day that mom was pregnant with twins.
Speaker 1: They wanted me to adopt the twins when they were born,
Speaker 1: because they had the common sense to know that otherwise
Speaker 1: they'd be in and out of the system too. After
Speaker 1: speaking with dcfs and my own family, I decided to
Speaker 1: adopt the twins. This essentially involved letters of intent on
Speaker 1: behalf of the bio parents and myself that the babies
Speaker 1: would leave the hospital with me and the bio parents
Speaker 1: would have no rights to them, So there's legal implications
Speaker 1: here too. Long story short. Nearly seven months in, we
Speaker 1: found out it was all a ruse. The pregnancy was faked.
Speaker 1: This was truly mind bending, and I approached my work
Speaker 1: about time off to grieve. I had prepared space in
Speaker 1: my home and in my life for these babies, and
Speaker 1: the sense of emptiness was profound. Their response was, we
Speaker 1: have difficulty justifying this extended time off because there was
Speaker 1: no actual death. The next day, I quit my job.
Speaker 1: I had already had some qualms about the industry, and
Speaker 1: it's been eighteen months since I quit, and I'm ready
Speaker 1: to go back to work. I'd like to obtain a
Speaker 1: position of similar title senior director, but I feel that
Speaker 1: the eighteen month gap in my resume will be hard
Speaker 1: to explain and mean that I need to settle for
Speaker 1: a lesser position. How can I explain the gap in
Speaker 1: my resume without revealing too much information? I have no
Speaker 1: problem sharing my story when it's appropriate, but an interview
Speaker 1: is definitely not. Thanks for your time, hope to speak
Speaker 1: with you soon. Be well. Wes Hi, wes Hi, Hi,
Speaker 1: How are you good? God? How are you doing doing well?
Speaker 1: You guys look radiant. Thank you. I was gonna think
Speaker 1: I was going to say you looked ravishing earlier than well.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty hungry. So West, what that's such a fund
Speaker 1: up thing to have happened. Yeah, it was pretty crazy,
Speaker 1: So they basically faked it for what to get you
Speaker 1: to give them money or pay Yeah, I mean that's
Speaker 1: that's the question. I get a lot. It's like why
Speaker 1: did they do that? And I think that one of
Speaker 1: the reasons why this is like such a you know, difficult,
Speaker 1: confusing situation, is like we didn't really give them a
Speaker 1: whole lot over that seven one period. I mean, we
Speaker 1: like gave them and their other kids presents at Christmas.
Speaker 1: We would babysit. I mean like one time I bought
Speaker 1: them gas and another time I bought them groceries. But
Speaker 1: and they announced that they were pregnant. We had in
Speaker 1: our care. They're too oldest boys, and so I think,
Speaker 1: you know, it's one thing to fake a pregnancy, but
Speaker 1: then it's a completely different thing to fake a pregnancy
Speaker 1: with twins. So I think that they wanted to in
Speaker 1: their minds, they wanted to swap these twins for and
Speaker 1: they thought that somehow they were going to be able
Speaker 1: to do that. But if the if the pregnancy wasn't real,
Speaker 1: then there was there were no twins, So I don't
Speaker 1: think they thought that. Yeah, and we talked and there's
Speaker 1: some like mental illness involved, and it's like a pretty
Speaker 1: sticky situation. Yeah. Yeah. The entire history of the family
Speaker 1: involves like DCFS, which is like the foster care organization,
Speaker 1: and the mother had trauma, the father, you know, had
Speaker 1: been incarcerated. So I mean, they're not rational, well adjusted people.
Speaker 1: I mean, the children were brought into care for a reason,
Speaker 1: and are the rest their kids still with them? So,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not supposed to know this, but I
Speaker 1: do because I had some contacts in the agency after
Speaker 1: I released my license. But essentially what happened is this
Speaker 1: is really crazy. Are not adopted yet, but the two
Speaker 1: younger sisters were the baby that I baby sat a
Speaker 1: lot of the time. He got adopted. And then just recently,
Speaker 1: like a couple of months ago, we found out that
Speaker 1: that the mother is pregnant with twins actually actually like verified,
Speaker 1: like the system is already taken measures to bring those
Speaker 1: children into care once they're born. Wow, it is wild.
Speaker 1: You can't talk about a manifestation. Yeah, so what's your
Speaker 1: status with this family? You're obviously not in contact with
Speaker 1: them now, right, I mean, how do you really get
Speaker 1: past a fake pregnancy? Yeah? Yeah, and you know they
Speaker 1: told us that like if any of their you know,
Speaker 1: other five kids came up for a option that they
Speaker 1: would like immediately make moves for that, and there were
Speaker 1: like a lot of like tearful phone calls and just
Speaker 1: kind of integrating their family with mine. And you don't
Speaker 1: come back from that, like you said, and you made
Speaker 1: space in your life for them, Like that line of
Speaker 1: your email really stuck out to me, because you would,
Speaker 1: I mean you'd be planning baby showers and where they're
Speaker 1: going to sleep and and all these things. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: we had this lovely nursery set up. It was so
Speaker 1: much fun to do that. And even you know with
Speaker 1: their existing real kids, you know, we would always have
Speaker 1: the because you have to have supervised visits when your
Speaker 1: children are in care and you and you come visit them,
Speaker 1: so we would always have like all four to five
Speaker 1: kids in care meet at our place, and so you know,
Speaker 1: it was it was a place that the parents were
Speaker 1: familiar with, it was a place that all the kids
Speaker 1: were familiar with. So it was just like, yeah, there
Speaker 1: was like the physical space. And then like I told
Speaker 1: my parents and all my family, like, hey, a weekend,
Speaker 1: expect one to like five kids and maybe a year,
Speaker 1: Like isn't that crazy? And like you know, it was
Speaker 1: just and then it turned out that it was all fake,
Speaker 1: and I'm so sorry. But let's talk a little bit
Speaker 1: about getting you back in the workforce, because I know
Speaker 1: you took eighteen months off and you have a pretty
Speaker 1: high level position, right, But did you say you rescinded
Speaker 1: your license? Yeah? Yeah? Why I so? I love what
Speaker 1: foster care does for children, because you know, babies got
Speaker 1: adopted all the time, there's like negative babies. In the
Speaker 1: adoption space, there's a there's a deficit of babies. But
Speaker 1: in the foster system, there's just this overwhelming surplus. I
Speaker 1: think it's like four hundred thousand in the United States
Speaker 1: alone that are looking for homes at any given that
Speaker 1: that's just children like needing care. And so my aunts
Speaker 1: adopted a lovely boy who they turned his rold around,
Speaker 1: and I became of age and career to support, you know,
Speaker 1: my own instance of fostering. Is it a different license
Speaker 1: in each state? But don't you need to get your
Speaker 1: license back in order to go back to work? No? Um,
Speaker 1: I think the license was for dcfs, right, like the
Speaker 1: foster license. Yeah, Like the license that says that like
Speaker 1: you know, like you're capable and your your house meets
Speaker 1: all the requirements, and yeah, I think I mean in
Speaker 1: the last eighteen months. I mean, you're not the only
Speaker 1: person who's lapsed in employment, like I think you can
Speaker 1: There's so many things you can say. You can blame
Speaker 1: it on COVID. You can blame it on your family.
Speaker 1: You had a family member who had COVID who got
Speaker 1: really ill, like you know, obviously don't get into too
Speaker 1: many details, but you can just make that the reason
Speaker 1: why you didn't work. Yeah, and even I think there
Speaker 1: is room to get closer to the truth of I
Speaker 1: had a loss in my family, Like you don't necessarily
Speaker 1: have to say death at a loss in my family,
Speaker 1: and so I took some time to grieve. And some
Speaker 1: people may ask for more information, but you can also
Speaker 1: just finish that sentence and you know, change the subject,
Speaker 1: ask a question. One thing that I did find I
Speaker 1: did a little research on this as well, is for
Speaker 1: for example, for women who have a significant gap in
Speaker 1: their resume. You know, this study was done with like
Speaker 1: gaps of ten years for people who took time off
Speaker 1: to go back to school or raise a family or whatever.
Speaker 1: When they addressed that gap right on their resume, they
Speaker 1: had a higher chance of getting hired. So I would
Speaker 1: say right there on your resume, even just say it,
Speaker 1: and then it might not even come up in the interview,
Speaker 1: Like it would be hard pressed to find an interviewer
Speaker 1: who's like, so, who died, Like, let's talk about it,
Speaker 1: talk about the grieving process, right right. Yeah, No, that's
Speaker 1: a that's a great point. I never thought about just
Speaker 1: being bold and out there with it, you know, because
Speaker 1: I want to be truthful to the point where you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not lying. That just feels like the opposite of
Speaker 1: like what the whole point of taking off time was.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, like I don't want to
Speaker 1: like destroy someone's day with this terrible story. I think
Speaker 1: Katherine's advice is perfect. You get closer to the truth.
Speaker 1: I was just coming up with a blatant lie because
Speaker 1: but I think I'm wrong in this situation. And Katherine,
Speaker 1: that was really good. Oh because your dad say you
Speaker 1: lost a family member and let people and if you know,
Speaker 1: they probably will think it was related to COVID and
Speaker 1: then we both get our way. Yeah, exactly, exactly, Yeah, definitely,
Speaker 1: And if they press that, you can invent a family member,
Speaker 1: just like Chelsea said, Yeah, totally just a little bit
Speaker 1: of fun lying yeah, and also focus on well, you're
Speaker 1: just talking about your resume, not the actual interview. Well,
Speaker 1: that's what I'm nervous about. There are so many topics
Speaker 1: or conversations about how aggressive the workplace is becoming, and
Speaker 1: you know, bosses are demanding that people work in the
Speaker 1: office go back to the office. There's this conversation about
Speaker 1: quiet quitting, which is just basically acting your wage. And
Speaker 1: it just seems like the corporate hierarchy office environment in
Speaker 1: America hasn't improved in my time away. And um, I
Speaker 1: certainly hope that I'm stronger, but I think that that
Speaker 1: environment still seems pretty toxic across the board. But you're
Speaker 1: still ready to get back to work. I would like to.
Speaker 1: I mean, my partner has a lot of like I
Speaker 1: hear a lot of his conversations, and I want to
Speaker 1: get back into those decision making meetings and I wanna
Speaker 1: I want to do the financial analysis, and you know,
Speaker 1: I wanna. I want to be a mentor and a
Speaker 1: leader again. M m, Well, it seems like you've really
Speaker 1: thought about it and had great thoughtfulness about it. You
Speaker 1: sound like you really know what you're talking about. In
Speaker 1: terms of what it's good for you and the way
Speaker 1: you're gonna like perform the best. So that's positive and also,
Speaker 1: you know, focus on all of the things that you like.
Speaker 1: This is a great job interview right now. I feel
Speaker 1: like if somebody heard you talking, I'd be like, Wow,
Speaker 1: you're so capable and you have so many things to add,
Speaker 1: you know, and just your awareness is you know, impressive.
Speaker 1: So those are the things you want to sell yourself
Speaker 1: on anyway, and not harp on the last eighteen months
Speaker 1: where you didn't work. It's like that gave me enough
Speaker 1: time to reflect and figure out and have like a
Speaker 1: laser focus of exactly what I want to contribute. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's powerful. Thank you. I didn't think about it like that.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Yeah, totally. Yeah, and listen back to this
Speaker 1: because everything you just said is stuff an employer would
Speaker 1: want to hear. Like, here's why I want to be here,
Speaker 1: this is why I love being in corporate America. This
Speaker 1: is why it allows me to think creatively and problem
Speaker 1: solve and I want to be in there. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: think I could use that to my advantage and awesome,
Speaker 1: all right, let us know what happens. Keep us posted.
Speaker 1: Thanks by what a whirlwind that was our longest caller.
Speaker 1: I think a while it sure was. We learned about
Speaker 1: corporate America and here we are. Well. This is an
Speaker 1: email from Marie. She's twenty six. Dear Chelsea, this is
Speaker 1: a long, complicated story, but let me try to boil
Speaker 1: it down. Impossible because I always end up going on
Speaker 1: and on. Five is years ago. Meet John in my hometown,
Speaker 1: San Francisco through mutual friends. We ended up becoming great friends.
Speaker 1: Six months later, John moves to l A. We keep
Speaker 1: in touch through texts and phone calls once or twice
Speaker 1: a week, occasionally visiting while with friends. July, this is
Speaker 1: several years later. John invites me to come down to
Speaker 1: l A for six weeks to stay at his house
Speaker 1: with him. We gradually start hooking up. We spend the
Speaker 1: summer hooking up, but he's clear he only wants to
Speaker 1: be friends. He doesn't want to funk up our friendship,
Speaker 1: et cetera. I'm cool with us. By October, things get
Speaker 1: weird between us and we're not really talking anymore. A
Speaker 1: few months later, we start talking on the phone every
Speaker 1: day for hours at a time. We'd talk in the morning,
Speaker 1: usually for an hour, and then again at night for
Speaker 1: a couple of hours. He invites me to come stay
Speaker 1: with him for a week, and when I get back
Speaker 1: to his place and have lunch, we immediately have sex. Oops.
Speaker 1: We spend the summer going back and forth between l
Speaker 1: A and San Francisco. September I held him move drive
Speaker 1: his ship from l A to San Francisco, where I live.
Speaker 1: We're hooking up all the time, but quote just friends.
Speaker 1: It's been nine months. I'm basically living with him. Haven't
Speaker 1: slept in my own bed since early April. We say
Speaker 1: we love each other. He paid for us to go
Speaker 1: on vacation, looks and acts just like a boyfriend, but
Speaker 1: still he's not. He still won't commit. He's not sleeping
Speaker 1: with or talking to anyone else. I fully trust him
Speaker 1: on that. He literally doesn't have time because we're together
Speaker 1: seven I just don't get it. He says he's scared.
Speaker 1: He doesn't know how things will end up, if he's
Speaker 1: going to move away, or if we'll just end up
Speaker 1: with our hearts broken. Is he wasting my time? I
Speaker 1: would literally marry this guy, but he still won't call
Speaker 1: me his girlfriend. So what does that say? I don't
Speaker 1: want to give an ultimatum, but I also need him
Speaker 1: to make a decision. Why would he want the cow
Speaker 1: me when I already give him the milk full girlfriend
Speaker 1: treatment for free. Last time I brought this up was
Speaker 1: a month ago, and he said he just wasn't ready
Speaker 1: and couldn't give me what I want. Wunted, we ended
Speaker 1: up crying together and things went back to normal. Chelsea,
Speaker 1: please help best. Marie. Hi, Marie, Hi, how are you good?
Speaker 1: So you want to marry the guy that doesn't even
Speaker 1: want to acknowledge that you're his girlfriend? I mean, like
Speaker 1: I feel really strongly for him, Probably not marriage right now,
Speaker 1: but like I would like i'd be open to a
Speaker 1: full relationship. I don't understand like why he won't because
Speaker 1: something's stuck in him. Something is stuck in him, and
Speaker 1: you're not going to get it by sticking around. You're
Speaker 1: not going to get him unstuck by sticking around. You
Speaker 1: have to lay down the law and say, listen, this
Speaker 1: is ridiculous. We're in a relationship. We have been, We're
Speaker 1: together all the time. I don't care if you're scared.
Speaker 1: This is now disrespectful to me. You won't even acknowledge
Speaker 1: that I'm your girlfriend, and if you don't. If you can't,
Speaker 1: then that's fine, but we're not going to continue this way.
Speaker 1: And you have to be strong and actually mean that
Speaker 1: this is beneath you. You know, if you want to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with him and he's saying no,
Speaker 1: this is beneath you, and you're lowering your standards and
Speaker 1: what you are going to get in terms of respect
Speaker 1: from people. You asked, is he wasting my time? And
Speaker 1: I think for my part, the obvious answer is yes.
Speaker 1: I personally think that wasting someone's time romantically is truly
Speaker 1: a cardinal sin of dating. Like, I think that is
Speaker 1: one of the things that's really unforgivable because you are
Speaker 1: not only taking that person's time currently, but you're taking
Speaker 1: that person's time keeping them from meeting someone else, keeping
Speaker 1: them from healing, keeping them from going and having adventures,
Speaker 1: whatever the case may be. What do you think about that? Son?
Speaker 1: I agree with you again, Catherine, I agree with you,
Speaker 1: Like I know you don't want to hear this. I
Speaker 1: understand that this is difficult because you're in a situation,
Speaker 1: but I'm I'm imploring you to get yourself out of
Speaker 1: this situation because as soon as you do, you're going
Speaker 1: to see things more clearly and if he's ever going
Speaker 1: to wake up and stand up and say yes, it's
Speaker 1: going to be because of your absence. Yeah, I just
Speaker 1: needed to hear it from someone who wasn't in my
Speaker 1: life totally. What do your friends think about it? Are
Speaker 1: your friends like stick around, he's amazing, or they're like
Speaker 1: dump him? Yeah, well you can't dump him because you're
Speaker 1: not even in a relationship. I know. Well, they're like,
Speaker 1: you need to bring it up, You need to bring
Speaker 1: it up. And I feel like I waited until, like
Speaker 1: I said, I was waiting until I was ready to
Speaker 1: like really walk away, but I feel like that's not
Speaker 1: coming and I just have to do it. Yeah you
Speaker 1: didn't then deal with it? Yeah, Marie, you seem like
Speaker 1: somebody was very level headed. You're very chill. And one
Speaker 1: of the red flags to me, because I was in
Speaker 1: a similar relationship, was you know kind of you talk
Speaker 1: about at the end where you cried about it together
Speaker 1: and and I you know, and that's not mocking at all,
Speaker 1: but no, it's like just this sort of up and
Speaker 1: down and will we are won't we end? Like he's
Speaker 1: got these rules. This to me feels like somebody who
Speaker 1: maybe is thriving on the drama of it all and
Speaker 1: he is addicted to the highs and the lows, and
Speaker 1: all the highs are super high and all the lows
Speaker 1: are super low, and like maybe there's a little personality
Speaker 1: disorder going on, or maybe there's just like a bad
Speaker 1: boyfriend's situation going on, But that to me is kind
Speaker 1: of red flaggy. Is that what your relationship is? Like
Speaker 1: dramatic and highs and lows? It was like two years
Speaker 1: ago and then the last like nine months have been
Speaker 1: really calm and like really good and honestly like perfect,
Speaker 1: aside from this whole thing of not having a label
Speaker 1: on it, which is like the one thing I'm asking
Speaker 1: you know, and it's not a lot, No, it's not.
Speaker 1: It's totally normal and that yes, yeah, honestly, just get
Speaker 1: away from him, break up and do it with meaning,
Speaker 1: and I guarantee you your life is going to be
Speaker 1: incrementally better in three weeks, okay, three weeks. Three weeks
Speaker 1: You're going to start to feel the impact of making
Speaker 1: a strong decision and what that means as a woman
Speaker 1: and setting an example for yourself and for all of
Speaker 1: the people in your life that you're not a dormat,
Speaker 1: and that that what you're asking for is not a
Speaker 1: tall order for to be called someone's girlfriend is an
Speaker 1: everyday language that men, women, women and women men and
Speaker 1: men everyone uses. It's not a big deal. So he
Speaker 1: should get over himself or he's not going to have
Speaker 1: you as his girlfriend. Right, Yeah, it's pretty something to do,
Speaker 1: so do it. Report back, Okay, let us know. I will,
Speaker 1: I will. I'm scared. Don't be scared. Be strong and
Speaker 1: your strong chooes like you have strength, go find it.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I appreciate it. By by by Guys.
Speaker 1: You know, I think it's interesting that she mentions ultimatums.
Speaker 1: I do you think that they ever work? It's so dumb. Ultimatum,
Speaker 1: Like I don't even understand where that came from. You're
Speaker 1: going to do this or you or else? So stupid,
Speaker 1: you know. I think like the only time something similar
Speaker 1: to that has worked for me is like when I'm
Speaker 1: giving it to myself. So it's like I in the
Speaker 1: past have been like, you know what if I still
Speaker 1: feel this bad in this job or this relationship or
Speaker 1: this friendship or whatever it is in two months or
Speaker 1: six months or whatever sort of the situation calls for
Speaker 1: and I will actually put this on my calendar, like
Speaker 1: get out of that situation if you still feel bad
Speaker 1: at this point, because like things get good, things get bad,
Speaker 1: like things change. But like I've given myself ultimatums, and
Speaker 1: I think that's the only thing you can do. You
Speaker 1: can't give an ultimatum to another person. No, I mean
Speaker 1: it's almost like a way to state that the opposite
Speaker 1: will happen. And it's yeahs as soon as you say
Speaker 1: if you do this, you know it's gonna happen, right exactly.
Speaker 1: And if you just you know, like Marie, if you
Speaker 1: do actually just leave, it's not an empty threat. It's like, okay,
Speaker 1: well this is the boundary. You're not going to give
Speaker 1: me what I want. So it's done. Mary is going
Speaker 1: to follow up with us. She's going to leave him,
Speaker 1: and then she's going to follow up with us. She
Speaker 1: better find it in her courage machine to do the deed.
Speaker 1: It's im houring to walk away from things. I mean,
Speaker 1: not in an arrogant way or like I'm the big
Speaker 1: it's empowering for your self esteem to be like this
Speaker 1: is not acceptable for me anymore, Like I don't accept
Speaker 1: this and you actually truly never know what good thing
Speaker 1: can come out of saying no to something that's not working.
Speaker 1: I had a situation recently where I was working on
Speaker 1: a show. Brad and I were actually both working on
Speaker 1: a show. It felt like the right decision to leave
Speaker 1: the show because of a few different things that were
Speaker 1: going on and we had too many projects going on
Speaker 1: and whatever else. So we left the show, and I
Speaker 1: actually was able to find two people who are actually
Speaker 1: two of my closest friends to fill those positions and
Speaker 1: got them all set up. And the very last thing,
Speaker 1: like on my last conversation with the hiring manager or
Speaker 1: with the manager of the show, was you know, the
Speaker 1: host of the show just wishes he could do this
Speaker 1: show with you. And as it turned out, the other
Speaker 1: show that I was leaving for had fallen through. It
Speaker 1: turned out to be a bad, toxic situation. So we
Speaker 1: got out of that and it turned into this situation
Speaker 1: I never could have realized where I got hired back
Speaker 1: to the show. I get to work with two of
Speaker 1: my best friends who are brilliant at their jobs, and
Speaker 1: I get to like help on this on this show
Speaker 1: that I just absolutely love and like all the bad
Speaker 1: stuff there has gone away, So it just was like
Speaker 1: I could have never envisioned that this was a possible outcome,
Speaker 1: But like I got hired back with a better title
Speaker 1: in a race. I know things do work out like
Speaker 1: that all the time. That happens all the time. They do. Well.
Speaker 1: We have one more color today and her name is Joscelyn.
Speaker 1: Joscelyn says, Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty six and I live
Speaker 1: in Austin. I made a career switch and became an
Speaker 1: esthetician a few months before I moved here February, and well,
Speaker 1: what a fucking time to move to a new city.
Speaker 1: Over the past few months, clients will come in, lay
Speaker 1: on the table for a service and just start trauma dumping.
Speaker 1: I've always been an and path and people have opened
Speaker 1: up to me a lot throughout my life. I value
Speaker 1: deep conversations. As my friends were gossiping in a booth
Speaker 1: at a bar. I would always be found having a
Speaker 1: hard tart with a stranger. It's just who I am. Lately, though,
Speaker 1: I haven't been able to deal with the weight of
Speaker 1: the trauma dumping my clients tend to do. It leaves
Speaker 1: me exhausted mentally and emotionally. I have my own ship.
Speaker 1: I'm seeing a therapist, uh and have even talked to
Speaker 1: her about this. So it's difficult dealing with my ship
Speaker 1: and having clients who I know feel like they may
Speaker 1: not have anyone to talk to. I usually go home
Speaker 1: and feel so drained that I don't want to do anything.
Speaker 1: I end up sleeping in they get nothing accomplished before work.
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily feel depressed, just bogged down and in
Speaker 1: a days of sorts. Do you have any advice on
Speaker 1: how to overcome this slump and get motivated to take
Speaker 1: action and filling my own cup before I get burnt out?
Speaker 1: All the best? Jocelyn Hi, Jocelyn Hi, Hi, how are
Speaker 1: you doing well? I see we both have beautiful curtains
Speaker 1: behind us. Yes, it's a curtain podcast that we have
Speaker 1: curtains behind it because there's seven small people living back there,
Speaker 1: so we have to hide that for publicity reasons. There
Speaker 1: are So what is your line of work? I'm a
Speaker 1: medical estetician, right, I would have to say, listen, I
Speaker 1: think that job just that's what that job comes with, right,
Speaker 1: Like people are always going to come in there and
Speaker 1: air their laundry. I think it's a matter of you
Speaker 1: getting your head in a different space about it and
Speaker 1: realize that you are serving a really important purpose in
Speaker 1: so many people's lives because that is when they do
Speaker 1: relax and they are willing to be vulnerable and discuss
Speaker 1: their problems, and that's a far better option than people
Speaker 1: not discussing their problems. While you don't want to be
Speaker 1: the recipient all the time because you your own stuff
Speaker 1: going on. I find that when you're there for other
Speaker 1: people in a generous way, which is part of your
Speaker 1: job kind of you know, it's not written, but it
Speaker 1: is kind of like a tacit part of your job.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's going to give you so much
Speaker 1: comfort and feel you up as well if you have
Speaker 1: the right attitude about your being that you're there to
Speaker 1: help them instead of, you know, being annoyed by people's stories,
Speaker 1: which I can totally relate to. It's nice to flip
Speaker 1: the switch and be like, this person needs me right now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: have you tried anything like that? Yeah? No, I definitely
Speaker 1: have been working on it and trying to set boundaries
Speaker 1: in different ways. It's more so the like constance of it.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I'll have an hour facial and then a
Speaker 1: fifteen and a break and then back to back where
Speaker 1: sometimes it's all day of just hearing really sad things.
Speaker 1: And so I definitely know that I need to work
Speaker 1: on myself and changing my state of mind for sure.
Speaker 1: Like I said in the email, I was seeing a therapist,
Speaker 1: but I fired her last week, so I'm looking for
Speaker 1: another one. Why did you fire her? I gave it
Speaker 1: four sessions, and every time I felt like I was
Speaker 1: the only one initiating any of the conversation, and there
Speaker 1: was a lot of lulls in between until I started
Speaker 1: talking again. And the last session with her, she confused
Speaker 1: me with another client and brought up someone else's trauma
Speaker 1: with me that I was like, I don't think I
Speaker 1: said that, and so it was kind of awkward. Well,
Speaker 1: good for firing her. That's not a match. That's not
Speaker 1: a good therapist. So yeah, you should definitely find another therapist.
Speaker 1: But don't give up, you know, and listen, we all
Speaker 1: go through different phases in our lives. We go through
Speaker 1: happy spells and sadder spells and listless periods where you're
Speaker 1: sometimes you feel super productive and sometimes you don't. But
Speaker 1: I really think if you can try and remember to
Speaker 1: be of service, to others in a sense, and that
Speaker 1: you're doing job like you're doing the Lord's work, you know,
Speaker 1: like think about it in that sense, take it seriously
Speaker 1: on that in that sense, and try and separate your
Speaker 1: personal life from theirs, you know. I think sometimes hearing
Speaker 1: a lot of sad stories makes me feel realize how
Speaker 1: lucky I am and fortunate not to be experience and
Speaker 1: seeing those things, So there's that aspect of it too,
Speaker 1: you know, can shine a light on how different your
Speaker 1: lives are and how grateful you are to have the
Speaker 1: life you are. Even if you're not in the happiest
Speaker 1: state right now, you never know, that could be just
Speaker 1: around the corner, and it's it is really an inside
Speaker 1: job to get ourselves to feel positive and happy and optimistic.
Speaker 1: That doesn't just always come naturally. Definitely, Yeah, And I
Speaker 1: think there might be some things you can do at
Speaker 1: the end of your work day to sort of like
Speaker 1: literally and figuratively like wash that stuff away so that
Speaker 1: you're not taking it home with you, whether that's sort
Speaker 1: of resetting your nervous system by taking a shower or
Speaker 1: some people love to have lights, some sage and sage
Speaker 1: themselves or whatever. But having some sort of a little
Speaker 1: daily ritual, even if it's just changing your clothes or
Speaker 1: taking a nap or whatever it is, to sort of
Speaker 1: separate those two parts of your day. Do you find
Speaker 1: it's a few clients in particular, or is it just
Speaker 1: all your clients or trauma dumping? Not all of them,
Speaker 1: but there's a study amount. Like my coworkers and I
Speaker 1: talked about it, like everyone's kind of going through it,
Speaker 1: and it is obviously with our job it is a
Speaker 1: common thing. And then with the last couple of years
Speaker 1: and all the ship that everyone has been through, there's
Speaker 1: even more. Definitely trying to separate change my mindset and
Speaker 1: be more positive about it, knowing that I am helping people.
Speaker 1: I just feel mainly that I carry it with like
Speaker 1: you take it on. Yeah. Yeah, that will definitely be
Speaker 1: something to talk to your new therapist about, like how
Speaker 1: do I hear this and be present with them, but
Speaker 1: also like not have it affect me and like carry
Speaker 1: it with me every day. There might be an opportunity
Speaker 1: for you to set the tone when you walk into
Speaker 1: the room, So maybe that's asking questions that have sort
Speaker 1: of like a positive basis or even redirecting like I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry that happened. So maybe let's let's talk about
Speaker 1: something positive. What's one of the most fun things you've
Speaker 1: done or seen recently? You know, setting up those conversations
Speaker 1: even right from the beginning when someone walks in the door,
Speaker 1: of engaging them with what's something positive, let's talk about this,
Speaker 1: what was fun this week? What are you liking to
Speaker 1: listen to right now? And just getting the ball rolling,
Speaker 1: encouraging them to talk about things are excited about. No,
Speaker 1: I love that idea because I, like I said earlier,
Speaker 1: I've tried studying boundaries, I have tried redirecting, but I
Speaker 1: haven't thought about the asking them. You know, it's a
Speaker 1: positive thing going on. What's something fun you've done? And
Speaker 1: so that's really great like first date questions or third
Speaker 1: date questions. Stuff that's like light and positive. But it's
Speaker 1: like gets the ball rolling, and it's very open ended
Speaker 1: and yeah, awesome, great, Well let's say try that out
Speaker 1: and let us know how it goes for you. All right,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, thank you. Ok, she's sweet. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a medical asthetician. She was beautiful. It's so funny that
Speaker 1: whenever I go to the doctor, I feel like they're
Speaker 1: fucking trauma dumping on me any of my estheticians, not
Speaker 1: trauma dumping. But I'm always getting information. That's because I
Speaker 1: ask a lot of questions why, and that's your vibe.
Speaker 1: You're like, tell me all the things, all the things. Well,
Speaker 1: let's take a quick break and we'll be right back, okay, Chelsea, Yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: by Catherine, Hello, We're back. Excellent. That was so easy, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: This is usually the part of the show where someone
Speaker 1: asks for advice from you, but I think since it's
Speaker 1: just you and me today, I think we can close
Speaker 1: with one last email that I got and I wanted
Speaker 1: to share this kind of at the end, but it
Speaker 1: goes with our theme today of breakups and makeups. Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 1: this is from Ariana. I'm writing this email to express
Speaker 1: my deepest gratitude for you as a role model. My
Speaker 1: X and I broke up in June, and because it
Speaker 1: was my deepest, most loving relationship yet it is now
Speaker 1: my most painful breakup. I've gone through many periods in
Speaker 1: life where I was sure that I probably won't find
Speaker 1: my person, not really based on insecurities, but because I
Speaker 1: just didn't think there was a great fit out there
Speaker 1: for me. That all changed last year when I was
Speaker 1: swept up in love with the most amazing person I've
Speaker 1: ever met. We moved across the country together and went
Speaker 1: through rough patches and then had so much growth together,
Speaker 1: all in a little over a year. Things were never perfect,
Speaker 1: but as the saying goes, love is all about hard work.
Speaker 1: In June, saying is that love is all about hard work. No, okay, anyway,
Speaker 1: marriage is all about hard work. That's accurate. That is
Speaker 1: accurate in June. He had the courage that I didn't
Speaker 1: to say what we both knew to be true. It
Speaker 1: just wasn't the right fit. We hadn't lived there long
Speaker 1: enough for me to have a solid group of friends,
Speaker 1: and I had no family nearby. My mom flew out
Speaker 1: and helped me pack up, and just like that, my
Speaker 1: new life and all the plans we made for the
Speaker 1: future were gone. I'm still picking up the pieces of
Speaker 1: my life, finding a new job in a new place,
Speaker 1: but this is the only relationship that has reached this
Speaker 1: level for me. And just as I was starting to
Speaker 1: slip back into my pessimistic view of well, this is
Speaker 1: as good as it could get and it didn't work,
Speaker 1: so that's it for me, I listened to your podcast.
Speaker 1: Hearing your hope and positivity for your future is healing
Speaker 1: a part of me. I haven't touched yet in my journey. Yuck, Sorry,
Speaker 1: I said, journey. We're all works in progress, and to
Speaker 1: hear you speak and spread love helps make this all
Speaker 1: a little easier. Ariana, m hmm. That's nice. Okay, well
Speaker 1: this is our clothes. Then you guys, thanks for being
Speaker 1: here with us today, and we'll be back next week. Yep,
Speaker 1: wish I will. Bye. So I am winding up my
Speaker 1: stand up tour. Vaccinated and Horney is coming to a
Speaker 1: screeching halt at the end of the year. I have
Speaker 1: my last dates coming up, and these are the last opportunities.
Speaker 1: You have to also buy merch from the website Chelsea
Speaker 1: Handler dot com if you want vaccinating horny Captain's hats
Speaker 1: that say We're the Captain's now for women only, our
Speaker 1: t shirts for men and your family that say I'm
Speaker 1: sorry because they should be. I only have a few
Speaker 1: dates left. Well, looks very Pennsylvania. Looks verry Pennsylvania. There,
Speaker 1: I said it, and then San Diego and Riverside, California,
Speaker 1: and then Baltimore, Maryland, and then my very last date
Speaker 1: is December sixte in Reading, Pennsylvania. If you are enjoying
Speaker 1: what you're hearing, you can subscribe to Dear Chelsea. That
Speaker 1: is our podcast, and you can rate us if you want. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a great idea. It actually makes a huge difference
Speaker 1: for this podcast, for any podcast that you like, subscribing
Speaker 1: giving it a rating actually make a huge difference in
Speaker 1: who all we get served too, and helpfully spread the
Speaker 1: words Okay, yeah, subscribe and and and comment, yeah, and follow.
Speaker 1: So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us
Speaker 1: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio. Executive
Speaker 1: produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited
Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad dick Art.