Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. There's a story that I heard when
Speaker 1: I was in a seminary about a country minister who
Speaker 1: used to go every Sunday after church to one of
Speaker 1: his parishioner's homes to have dinner because he was unmarried.
Speaker 1: And there was this one couple. The wife was a
Speaker 1: dynamite cook, so he liked to go there very often.
Speaker 1: He'd go to their home and he'd walk up on
Speaker 1: the support and they had a huge hound dog, one
Speaker 1: of them brown hound dogs with the hangy face and
Speaker 1: the long floppy years. The hound dog would be laying
Speaker 1: on the porch whining. He he'd walk past the dog
Speaker 1: and look at him. He'd look at it. He'd going
Speaker 1: and he just dinner. He'd come out. The dog was
Speaker 1: laying there whining. Next week he went back, same thing,
Speaker 1: walk upon the porch. The dog is in the same
Speaker 1: spot whining. He dinna come out dog. It's in the
Speaker 1: same spot. So by the fourth or fifth week, he
Speaker 1: turned to the farmer and his wife and he said,
Speaker 1: every time I come here, your dog is whining. Is
Speaker 1: there something wrong with him? And the farmer looked at
Speaker 1: him and said, oh yeah, he's laying on a nail.
Speaker 1: He said, laying on a nail. Well, why doesn't he move?
Speaker 1: And the farmer said, because it doesn't hurt bad enough.
Speaker 1: We will stay in situations whining and complaining and making
Speaker 1: everybody and everything wrong, laying on the same nail, but
Speaker 1: we will not move until it hurts bad enough. My
Speaker 1: next guest is a prime example of what it looks
Speaker 1: like to lay on a nil. I definitely thank you
Speaker 1: so much for holding on and welcome to the art spot.
Speaker 1: How can I support you today? I am being married
Speaker 1: twenty two years this year, and it's just kind of
Speaker 1: getting fade now. I met this man when I was seventeen.
Speaker 1: He was nineteen ninety seven, four children, and it seems
Speaker 1: like everybody else is up front and I'm pushed back.
Speaker 1: I don't have any affection anymore. Um, I'm getting better.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but you're not showing me you're sorry. So
Speaker 1: I'm just kind of fading, fade in a way. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to hold on. I am trying, but the more
Speaker 1: I try, it seems like we're just gonna be apart.
Speaker 1: You said, I'm holding on. What are you holding on too?
Speaker 1: I guess the relationship or maybe I'm saying it wrong.
Speaker 1: I love them, but it's like we're roommates now instead
Speaker 1: of bend husband and wife. So what do you do together?
Speaker 1: We used to do date night, a lot of activities together.
Speaker 1: Now it's just like we don't really do anything together,
Speaker 1: spend quality time together like we used to. And it's
Speaker 1: just making it will the father apart. And now that
Speaker 1: my children are older, there's been things. You know, I
Speaker 1: would as growing up try to make everything happy in
Speaker 1: the household, and everything went well. But now that they're
Speaker 1: getting older, thing and be like mo, everything you try
Speaker 1: to do, it's an argument. Why my daddy want to
Speaker 1: argue with you? I don't know. And if if sometimes
Speaker 1: I just get frustrated with I just leave. I shouldn't
Speaker 1: leave the home, but I do. Why do you stay
Speaker 1: if you want a husband and you have a roommate
Speaker 1: and you have someone who's not making the efforts to
Speaker 1: rekindle the love ship. Why do you stay? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess the only thing that's probably keeping me. Now,
Speaker 1: if I have a seventh seen year old and I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to give him through school, I guess I'm
Speaker 1: just to that point now, I'm just like whatever. So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you again. You feel unhappy, you feel diminished,
Speaker 1: you feel denied, you feel ignored. Why do you stay?
Speaker 1: That's a good question. I just don't know. Yeah, if
Speaker 1: you did know, because see I come from the old
Speaker 1: school where this it's impossible for you not to know
Speaker 1: what's going on inside of you. Maybe you haven't asked,
Speaker 1: but you do know. Let me rephrase the question, maybe
Speaker 1: this will be more helpful. Why would a woman who's
Speaker 1: been married to someone for twenty two years who for
Speaker 1: the last how many years have you been denied, dismissed, ignored,
Speaker 1: pushed it aside? How many years? I'm gonna say the
Speaker 1: last six seven years? Yeah, okay, So why would a
Speaker 1: woman who's been married for twenty two years stay in
Speaker 1: a marriage where for the last six or seven years
Speaker 1: she's been ignored, denied, dismissed, diminished, hasn't been fulfilled or happy?
Speaker 1: Or satisfied or pleased. Why would she stay? A woman?
Speaker 1: Not you, a woman, any woman? Oh my god, that's
Speaker 1: a horrid on. Why would you say that is complete?
Speaker 1: Why would she Let's let's just explore. Let's just throw
Speaker 1: everything on the wall and see what sticks. She would
Speaker 1: stay because family, okay, for family, um, just trying to
Speaker 1: fill in the gaps. Or it once was a great
Speaker 1: marriage but now it is just completed away. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm kind of long. We're not talking about you. We're
Speaker 1: talking about a woman. We're not talking about you get
Speaker 1: out of this woman's marriage. We're talking about a woman.
Speaker 1: Why would she stay? I just I guess trying to
Speaker 1: make it work and it's just not working. He walks
Speaker 1: into work again, it's not working. I mean, you know
Speaker 1: how you say you're doing something and then you your
Speaker 1: actions show different. So maybe she's trying to make it work.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's afraid to leave. Maybe she's staying because the
Speaker 1: marriage is a habit. That's Maybe she's staying because it's familiar.
Speaker 1: That's true, because you can't get comfortable in it. You
Speaker 1: can get comfortable like okay. Maybe she's staying because she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to take responsibility for her own happiness. Maybe
Speaker 1: maybe not, could be, who knows. Maybe she's staying because
Speaker 1: it's more comfortable to complain about it and be confused
Speaker 1: about it than it is to grow the courage to
Speaker 1: do something about it. Maybe maybe not, could be, who knows.
Speaker 1: That's true. Oh so you do have some ideas, that's true?
Speaker 1: Imagine that? Uh, because I'm like, oh my goodness, is
Speaker 1: it still a marriage? Yeah? Why what makes it a marriage?
Speaker 1: I guess um all the foundation that we built since
Speaker 1: we started out nothing, and we have accomplished a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff together. As a minister, I don't know any
Speaker 1: place in the marriage where it says, you know what
Speaker 1: you'll build together, you will have I know, better or worse,
Speaker 1: rich or poorer, sickness and in health? Okay, till death
Speaker 1: do your part? Death of what? Death of communication? Do
Speaker 1: you communicate with him? Some communication? Okay? Lacking? All? Right?
Speaker 1: The death of affection? Are you all affectionate towards one another?
Speaker 1: Death of intimacy? I mean, are y'all still knocking boots? Oh?
Speaker 1: No communication, no affection, no intimacy. Do y'all share finding answer? Responsibility? Yes? Well,
Speaker 1: I said, yes, I know. He was laid off through
Speaker 1: the COVID. So he's going off like a year going
Speaker 1: on two years and nothing, nothing, and you don't see
Speaker 1: any you don't see anyone, say I don't see anyone.
Speaker 1: I don't see no growth after the COVID saying I
Speaker 1: don't see anything. You're trying to do to make the
Speaker 1: situation better. Well, let me just offer just another consideration
Speaker 1: here for that, because you know, men are doers. Men
Speaker 1: like to do. That's how they get their value, that's
Speaker 1: how they get their meaning. So when a man loses
Speaker 1: his job, he really loses his focus, he loses his purpose,
Speaker 1: he loses his value, he loses his meaning, and sometimes
Speaker 1: it's hard for them to you know, crank that up again.
Speaker 1: Just a consideration, not an excuse, just the consideration. So
Speaker 1: there's no communication, there's no affection, there's no intimacy, there's
Speaker 1: no shared finances. Could you please tell me what makes
Speaker 1: this still a marriage? That's a good question, a good question.
Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer. I don't. I'm just
Speaker 1: a long just foming my way up through, you know,
Speaker 1: just trying to maintain and it's just getting to be
Speaker 1: overwhelming that it's like team effort, but it's only one
Speaker 1: fighting on the team. It's hard to pull us together
Speaker 1: if we're not all if we're not together as a team,
Speaker 1: I just don't feel that. What do you want? I
Speaker 1: wanted to be better. I wanted act like it was,
Speaker 1: but improved better. It's to the point now I just
Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with it, you know. So
Speaker 1: I was trying to see what other solution to help
Speaker 1: me with this. Maybe it's something I'm missing because I
Speaker 1: know I'm trying to. I'm trying to hold the torch.
Speaker 1: Being second makes you feel what angry? I'm overwheming. I'm
Speaker 1: frustrated it caused is the argument? Any little thing he's
Speaker 1: something snapping his head off. It feels sad that you
Speaker 1: would choose, you know, like that now myself, I don't
Speaker 1: do that for him. I try to make everything this
Speaker 1: is pleasant to have, the house moves going, and I'm
Speaker 1: the sport tolder now and you just kind of laid
Speaker 1: back like, Okay, I'm gonna go with the floor with this,
Speaker 1: instead of saying I will help you to make this better.
Speaker 1: And what is the consequence of him not doing better?
Speaker 1: What has the consequence been beside your fussing and arguing
Speaker 1: what's the consequence that fussing? And so why should he change?
Speaker 1: He knows how to deal with your fussing and arguing.
Speaker 1: He knows that will go on for a day or two.
Speaker 1: He ain't giving you no nookie, so you can't take
Speaker 1: that from him. He's not showing you no affection, so
Speaker 1: you can't take that from him. Y'all arguing. So they're
Speaker 1: lacking communication, So why should he change? That's true. He's
Speaker 1: got I say, comfortable, accustomed to what's going on. It's
Speaker 1: a happen. That's a happen. So tell me what it
Speaker 1: is that you don't want to do. I don't want
Speaker 1: to feel like I'm bogged down with everything, with the
Speaker 1: most of the responsibility. What else? You don't want to
Speaker 1: feel like you're being used? You don't want to feel
Speaker 1: like you're being bogged down. None of those are feelings,
Speaker 1: But okay, go ahead. What else don't you want to
Speaker 1: do that? I don't want to be disrespected? How about
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave? Is that true? Is that accurate? Yes?
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave, But then again I get
Speaker 1: frustrated out like, yeah, I'm gonna leave, you know, I
Speaker 1: go away. A couple of days, I should not to
Speaker 1: leave security at my home to go somewhere else in
Speaker 1: the hotel. That's the choice you made. So if you
Speaker 1: are complaining about staying, I call that laying on the nail.
Speaker 1: You laying on the nail, and the nail hurts, but
Speaker 1: you're not willing to move. So you you have a choice.
Speaker 1: You're either gonna learn how to operate in it as
Speaker 1: it is and just let it continue to go on
Speaker 1: and see what's happening. Or you're gonna get up off
Speaker 1: the nail, beloved, and we'll talk about that when we
Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the our spot. I can't
Speaker 1: tell you what to do, but I will tell you this.
Speaker 1: You'd either get up off the nail, or you would
Speaker 1: insist you'd put some fire under his behind, and there
Speaker 1: would be some consequences to his lack of participation in
Speaker 1: what's left of this union, because I don't call it
Speaker 1: a marriage anymore. It's a union of two people. So
Speaker 1: I want you to hear this very clearly. Either you're
Speaker 1: going to stay and figure out how to bring yourself
Speaker 1: to peace, to joy, the happiness, to whatever it is
Speaker 1: that you want with this thing exactly as it is,
Speaker 1: because you don't want to leave, or you're gonna stop
Speaker 1: complaining and do something about it, which might mean leave,
Speaker 1: or it might mean ask him the league, or it
Speaker 1: might mean I don't know, you have to come up
Speaker 1: with that. But just to keep complaining about it, it's
Speaker 1: not helpful and it's not going to turn out well
Speaker 1: for you. That I want to recommend a resource for you.
Speaker 1: It's a book by a woman named Stormy Armington, and
Speaker 1: it's it's based in traditional Christian or church philosophy, but
Speaker 1: there's a lot of real um good information in the book.
Speaker 1: Most of all, there are a lot of powerful prayers
Speaker 1: in the book, and it's called The Power of a
Speaker 1: Praying Life. And there's a story in that book about
Speaker 1: a woman in your exact situation. And that's why I'm
Speaker 1: recommending that book, The Power of a Praying Wife by
Speaker 1: Stormy A. S. T O r M I e ormanton
Speaker 1: O r M I T A M. And I don't
Speaker 1: know where you are in your faith walk or whatever.
Speaker 1: Don't get caught up in the scriptures and the Bible stuff.
Speaker 1: Read the stories and look at the practices that she
Speaker 1: gives you. Because she teaches you or she shares in
Speaker 1: that book how a complaining wife can pray to improve
Speaker 1: her husband and her marriage. Okay, work with that, and
Speaker 1: I want to offer you this possibility. See how you
Speaker 1: can do this. Instead of complaining about what he's not
Speaker 1: doing and what you don't have, start blessing what you
Speaker 1: do have. Thank you God that my husband is healthy.
Speaker 1: Thank you for my home. You know I bless my
Speaker 1: husband's mind. That bless his feet, and you know I
Speaker 1: bless his soul that he can get the courage and
Speaker 1: the motivation he needs to go back out there. Start
Speaker 1: blessing him and stop come plaining. That's one way you
Speaker 1: can get up off the nail. Don't tell anybody else
Speaker 1: how frustrated overwhelmed you are. Tell it to Jesus. As
Speaker 1: my grandmother would say, Jesus, I'm feeling I'm feeling frustrated
Speaker 1: in this moment, and I really want to blast my
Speaker 1: husband and buy his head off. Please help me. That's
Speaker 1: what my grandmother would say. Tell your troubles to Jesus.
Speaker 1: And any time it comes to your mind to tell somebody,
Speaker 1: bless something. But you get that book The Power of
Speaker 1: a Praying Wife, because it's real clear to me you
Speaker 1: ain't going nowhere. No time soon we'll get that. Oh
Speaker 1: love love, love yourself. I love the affirmations, all of
Speaker 1: this stuff. I was just, you know, puming across and
Speaker 1: I said, I need some help with this man, because
Speaker 1: I was about to go to counsel and need that too, probably,
Speaker 1: But well, read that book, work with those practices, and
Speaker 1: let's see where you end up in about sixty days. Okay,
Speaker 1: thank you, my beloved, Good luck to you. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Very often in a relationship, what a woman will do
Speaker 1: is take the whole burden of the failure on herself,
Speaker 1: when in fact, in every relationship, each party is one
Speaker 1: responsible for what goes on. So the same way she's
Speaker 1: willing to take on the responsibility for this failure, he
Speaker 1: has to be willing to take it on. So what
Speaker 1: happens when you go into a relationship expecting one thing
Speaker 1: only to get in it and find that you're getting
Speaker 1: something totally different? And what do you do when your
Speaker 1: partner makes you responsible for the thing that is missing.
Speaker 1: That's what we're gonna talk about. My next guest has
Speaker 1: a classic example of what happens when you expect one
Speaker 1: thing and get something totally different. Good afternoon, beloved, Well
Speaker 1: them to the art spot. So how are we supporting
Speaker 1: you today? What is the challenge issue dilemma that you
Speaker 1: are bringing to the table. So the Chellis issue and
Speaker 1: the lemma is that I got married September one, two
Speaker 1: thousand twenty one. Um, we had no sex or anything
Speaker 1: before marriage. We did like a really really sweet courtship.
Speaker 1: And um, the night of our wedding is when I
Speaker 1: found out that he was not um attracted to my body.
Speaker 1: That was really interesting for me. He didn't say out
Speaker 1: of his offer, I thought in the space, and about
Speaker 1: two weeks later, Um, because we weren't having like any
Speaker 1: sex or anything, you know, newly with you should be
Speaker 1: doing that and we were not. And UM, I was like,
Speaker 1: you know, this is like I'm feeling very deprived and
Speaker 1: very lonely and very like checking and pushed aside. And
Speaker 1: on thirty short now we're in April. Um, we had
Speaker 1: like marriage counseling and stuff like that, and canue ary
Speaker 1: in February and pretty much nothing has changed. It probably
Speaker 1: has sex one time within the last month. And because
Speaker 1: he's not necessarily attracted to my body, I don't get compliments.
Speaker 1: I don't get hugged the way somebody who was attracted
Speaker 1: to you would give you a hug. It's kind of
Speaker 1: like a a hug because you're in the house, not
Speaker 1: really a hug because I love you, love you like um,
Speaker 1: I don't get like wet passionate kisses. It's like a
Speaker 1: kiss in the morning to kiss that night. It's like
Speaker 1: it's almost like we've been married for like sixty years
Speaker 1: and not like six months. So it's it's whack and um. Um,
Speaker 1: Typically I can manage pretty good. Um. Like I said,
Speaker 1: not much has changed, but like my perspective of how
Speaker 1: and how I've been trying to handle it. Um, But
Speaker 1: today was just like, Yo, this is not normal. I
Speaker 1: can't live like this forever. So let me ask you
Speaker 1: a question, belove, and how how long did you date
Speaker 1: before you got married? Um? Our course ship was about
Speaker 1: nine months? Nine months. What was the conversation that you
Speaker 1: had about intimacy children? Did you have that conversation? Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: I actually specifically asked him what his type was like,
Speaker 1: what he physically like, and he gave me the regular
Speaker 1: guy and there, I don't have no type. I'm like, no, no,
Speaker 1: you have a type. You know what you don't like,
Speaker 1: if you know what you do like, I know what
Speaker 1: I don't like, and I know what I feel like.
Speaker 1: You have to tell me what your type is. And
Speaker 1: it was just I don't have a time, but I
Speaker 1: just like what I like. Da da da da. And
Speaker 1: I found out that I wasn't his type like see,
Speaker 1: but I asked this question before we got married, so
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go into a marriage with you finding out
Speaker 1: that I'm not your cup of tea. Wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I want to go back for a moment. You married
Speaker 1: a man that you dated for nine months. Within that
Speaker 1: nine month courtship period, did you and him have a
Speaker 1: conver sessation about we're going to not going to have
Speaker 1: sex until we're married, we're gonna have children. Did you
Speaker 1: have those kinds of conversations. Yes, that was the whole,
Speaker 1: like the point of like the courtship, because he came
Speaker 1: from a relationship where it was fornication. I came from
Speaker 1: a relationship or it was fornication. So we decided, okay,
Speaker 1: we're gonna do it different. And we're both most moms.
Speaker 1: It was like we gotta, you know, tieing up. So
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, let's do it. Do it different. Okay,
Speaker 1: So you you're both. Okay, that that makes sense to me. Man, Okay,
Speaker 1: did you have conversations about children and did you decide
Speaker 1: that you wanted children? Do you have any? No? Man,
Speaker 1: and he doesn't either. And he doesn't either. Okay, So
Speaker 1: you married a man you dated for nine months. You
Speaker 1: both made a conscious choice and decision not to have
Speaker 1: intimate relationships until after marriage. However, after marriage, you both
Speaker 1: decided that you want to have children. So what do
Speaker 1: we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to be our spot. Are you prepared to
Speaker 1: live a sexless life? Okay? All right? Because it seems
Speaker 1: like and see, this is common. This is a common
Speaker 1: mistake or a common issue that rises in relationships where
Speaker 1: we don't ask the appropriate questions, where we don't make
Speaker 1: appropriate agreement. You know. And my mother taught me something.
Speaker 1: It's kind of crass and nasty, but I'm gonna say it, Okay.
Speaker 1: My mother taught me that a hard penis has no conscious.
Speaker 1: It will jump into any whole presented. It don't have
Speaker 1: no odds, it don't have no preference. It doesn't. So
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if the issue here is your body or
Speaker 1: if your body is an excuse for an underlying issue.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be opposed to that. I just know what
Speaker 1: he said, Like we had a real big, kind of
Speaker 1: like not a blow up and like a loud blow up.
Speaker 1: But I was like this was back in junior, Like
Speaker 1: you gotta tell me, like what it is, because for
Speaker 1: the first couple of months he was just very rejecting,
Speaker 1: like I tried to kiss him and he's kind of
Speaker 1: like moving out the way, or I want to have
Speaker 1: sense if he wants to go to sleep, and it's
Speaker 1: like yo, and we just got married. Do you know
Speaker 1: what this means? Like what the heck is going on? Okay,
Speaker 1: so let me ask you stop right there, stop right there,
Speaker 1: take a breath from me. What is going on? Because
Speaker 1: you you know what's going on? I know, you know.
Speaker 1: I just really don't think he was dragging to my body,
Speaker 1: Like genuinely, I don't think that he attracted to my side.
Speaker 1: That is not a Muslim philosophy because women are shrouded
Speaker 1: and covered because the body, and according to Islamic tradition,
Speaker 1: Islam make faith the body is not to be the
Speaker 1: thing that attracts a man to a woman. It's her eyes.
Speaker 1: But they still have eyes and then once you make it,
Speaker 1: then they see you. I have fibroids, So it does
Speaker 1: kind of, you know, it make my stomach a little
Speaker 1: bit bigger. And the conversation was kind of around like,
Speaker 1: once I get the five works, I have to get
Speaker 1: the removed. Anyway that once I get them removed, to
Speaker 1: be attracted. However, my worry is that it has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with the fiber. Resident's really just you don't
Speaker 1: like my body, and then I'm gonna give these five
Speaker 1: words moved and I must still be faserable. And it
Speaker 1: wasn't what he quite literally said, I liked your faith.
Speaker 1: What are you acting like? You don't know? I don't
Speaker 1: know absolutely you do well, I swear because I went
Speaker 1: into the whole cheating on me things like I like
Speaker 1: did all the reefs I really really we had those
Speaker 1: like really really deep questions and it was like he
Speaker 1: quite literal, we said, I'm not I'm attracted through your faith,
Speaker 1: but as far as your body, you know, how about
Speaker 1: is he has a capacity issue or maybe he just
Speaker 1: don't like women? How about that? How about he might
Speaker 1: have e D And as a Muslim man, don't know
Speaker 1: how to talk about that. The question for me is
Speaker 1: not what he's saying. The question for me is what
Speaker 1: you're saying. And so very often in relationships, as women,
Speaker 1: we take the entire burden of the relationship not working.
Speaker 1: We place it on our shoulders. So you have fibroids,
Speaker 1: and there are women that weighed three four hundred pounds
Speaker 1: that got a man beloved. This is not about your body.
Speaker 1: I could be wrong. I'm willing to be wrong, but
Speaker 1: whatever it's about, you have partnered yourself to a man
Speaker 1: that does not want to be involved in one of
Speaker 1: the basic tenets of intimate relationship, which is intimacy. Are
Speaker 1: you willing to stay in a sexless marriage? Okay, so
Speaker 1: what's the next step. I don't necessarily want to get separated.
Speaker 1: We did have the conversation about separation and I told him, like,
Speaker 1: I will, like I can't stay in the sexist marriage
Speaker 1: or the unpassionate marriage, imagines that America doesn't have reciprocity,
Speaker 1: So like, I'm willing to leave. He's like, oh, we're
Speaker 1: gonna do better. I'm gonna do better. That Like okay,
Speaker 1: but why is all of the decision making on him?
Speaker 1: What about you? This is your life, your body. Here
Speaker 1: you are a vibrant young woman. What are you twenty
Speaker 1: six questioning whether or not you are attracted to a
Speaker 1: man that made a commitment to be in relationship with you?
Speaker 1: Why are you giving him all the power? What would
Speaker 1: it take for you to make another choice? Oops? I
Speaker 1: chose him, it didn't work. Are you willing to stay?
Speaker 1: And if you're not? What prevents you from leaving? But
Speaker 1: preventing from you and the fibroids? What do you mean
Speaker 1: what prevents you from take your fibroids elsewhere? I think
Speaker 1: what prevent me from the thing is in every other area.
Speaker 1: He's a really good person, and I really really like him.
Speaker 1: The only thing that has like been just this like
Speaker 1: brain clouds since literally the night we got married, has
Speaker 1: been the sex of it all. How insulting, how degrading,
Speaker 1: how disrespectful, how dishonorable. So you're gonna bend yourself into
Speaker 1: a pretzel to accommodate that, And hear me, I would
Speaker 1: never advocate the dissolution of a marriage. What I will
Speaker 1: always advocate it's self preservation. Now, if he were on
Speaker 1: the phone with me, I would ask him the same thing.
Speaker 1: If he was selling me the story that he's not
Speaker 1: attracted to your body and and he has married you. Um,
Speaker 1: I would ask him, is it fair for you to
Speaker 1: ask her to stay in a sexless marriage because of
Speaker 1: your limitations? I would ask him that question. So the
Speaker 1: question here is, if you're not willing to stay in
Speaker 1: a sexless marriage, then why do you continue to give
Speaker 1: yourself excuses and reasons and ration anounce for staying? Why
Speaker 1: are you so willing to deny yourself nineteen months? You
Speaker 1: can make that up as one lap around the track.
Speaker 1: Very often in relationships, as women, we have a difficult
Speaker 1: time with two things. One, we want to be chosen,
Speaker 1: so when the man chooses us, it gives us, you know,
Speaker 1: the red badge of courage. And then two we have
Speaker 1: a difficult time admitting oaths made a mistake. This is
Speaker 1: a mistake, and I get to choose again, so I
Speaker 1: can talk to you until my lips fall off. But
Speaker 1: there's some clear choices that you're going to have to
Speaker 1: make here. Number one, choose. Let me put it this way,
Speaker 1: vote for you, and a vote for you would be
Speaker 1: a man who accepts you exactly as you are, not
Speaker 1: that you gotta get something lifted or tucked or removed
Speaker 1: or taken out, a man who loves you and accepts
Speaker 1: you exactly as you are, a man who is willing
Speaker 1: to be intimate with you, a man who's willing to
Speaker 1: play his role in a partnership. So let me ask
Speaker 1: you this, what does the Koran say about a man
Speaker 1: who rejects his wife? What does the Koran say about that?
Speaker 1: It's already words, um, it talks about how by basically
Speaker 1: a man can you know, um, he could do all
Speaker 1: the things going through there after to try to go
Speaker 1: into their after But any man that doesn't treat his
Speaker 1: wife and his children, well, we're not making it. So
Speaker 1: that's the same point of a man who does not um,
Speaker 1: who rejects his wife, he doesn't treat her well, alrighty,
Speaker 1: So are you gonna ride that train with him to
Speaker 1: the not after life? And if you choose that this
Speaker 1: is the man that gives you everything else other than
Speaker 1: uh intimacy, other than sex, and you choose, as a
Speaker 1: twenty six year old woman, that you're willing to spend
Speaker 1: your life in that and wait until he either changes
Speaker 1: or live a sexless life, then that's okay. But make
Speaker 1: that choice for you. Not because he says he doesn't
Speaker 1: he's not attracted to your body, and if you choose
Speaker 1: not to, Okay, oops, he chose me, but I chose
Speaker 1: the wrong one. I'm out. Then make your exit plan
Speaker 1: and you don't need his agreement. That's the piece here, beloved.
Speaker 1: You don't need his agreement. And I'm not sure it's honorable, respectful,
Speaker 1: or required for you to spend time wondering what's wrong
Speaker 1: with your body that this man doesn't want BECA of
Speaker 1: the truth is if you were intimate with him, his
Speaker 1: eyes would be closed and he wouldn't see your body anyway,
Speaker 1: you know, And I'm not putting him down. He has
Speaker 1: a right to like what he likes, and some people
Speaker 1: are not attracted. I don't understand why he didn't make
Speaker 1: that decision or that choice before. You know, he made
Speaker 1: this commitment, so he's not honoring his commitment. But it's
Speaker 1: up to you. What do you want? Vote for you
Speaker 1: and you don't have to have a discussion about it.
Speaker 1: All you have to do is make the choice and
Speaker 1: make the decision and create your strategy. A woman has
Speaker 1: three a's that she has to share with her mate,
Speaker 1: which is acknowledgement, acknowledgement of what he does, appreciation for
Speaker 1: how he does it, an acceptance of who he is.
Speaker 1: Those are our a's and you can add to that affirmation.
Speaker 1: So you want to acknowledge, you want to affirm, you
Speaker 1: want to appreci ate, you want to accept. That's what
Speaker 1: women are called to do in their loving relationships. Men
Speaker 1: have the four peas. That is, to provide That means
Speaker 1: to make sure you have food, clothing, shelter, protect keep
Speaker 1: you from physical and other harm. To perform, which means
Speaker 1: all levels of performance, from taking the trash out to
Speaker 1: getting into bed and rocking your word, and to please,
Speaker 1: to do those things that bring a smile to your face.
Speaker 1: So he may have the provide and the protect, but
Speaker 1: he's falling real short on the um, perform and please,
Speaker 1: So you're getting two out of the four piece. All right,
Speaker 1: eat your piece, Eat your piece. So if I had
Speaker 1: to leave you with the prescription, that prescription would be
Speaker 1: either choose to stay and be okay with it the
Speaker 1: way it is not question yourself but totally accept him
Speaker 1: as he is, which means denying a major part of yourself,
Speaker 1: or choose not to stay because this is not how
Speaker 1: you want to live your life. Acknowledge that you may
Speaker 1: have made an error, know that that error is not fatal,
Speaker 1: and that there's something better. Because if you want so
Speaker 1: much to be with a man who doesn't want you,
Speaker 1: imagine how good it will be to be with a
Speaker 1: man who does. Yo. M hmmmm. Alright, my beloved, let
Speaker 1: me know how you make out. Give me, give me
Speaker 1: a call, and let's say ninety days and tell me
Speaker 1: where you are. Okay, okay, my love, be well, Bye bye,
Speaker 1: laying on the dail. And the truth is you will
Speaker 1: lay on that nail and wine and moan and complain
Speaker 1: until you do something about it. And if you're not
Speaker 1: willing to get up off the nail, the very least
Speaker 1: you can do is do something to make you feel
Speaker 1: better while you're laying there. I am Yamla and thank
Speaker 1: you for tuning in. If you have questions insights about
Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue and you would like
Speaker 1: to explore it here on the our spot, you can
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
Speaker 1: seven seven six eight, and be sure to follow me
Speaker 1: on social media for the call in times. In the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace, not pieces. The r Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio.
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