1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. There's a story that I heard when 7 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 1: I was in a seminary about a country minister who 8 00:00:40,159 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: used to go every Sunday after church to one of 9 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: his parishioner's homes to have dinner because he was unmarried. 10 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: And there was this one couple. The wife was a 11 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:52,200 Speaker 1: dynamite cook, so he liked to go there very often. 12 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: He'd go to their home and he'd walk up on 13 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,639 Speaker 1: the support and they had a huge hound dog, one 14 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: of them brown hound dogs with the hangy face and 15 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 1: the long floppy years. The hound dog would be laying 16 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 1: on the porch whining. He he'd walk past the dog 17 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 1: and look at him. He'd look at it. He'd going 18 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: and he just dinner. He'd come out. The dog was 19 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: laying there whining. Next week he went back, same thing, 20 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,840 Speaker 1: walk upon the porch. The dog is in the same 21 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 1: spot whining. He dinna come out dog. It's in the 22 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,039 Speaker 1: same spot. So by the fourth or fifth week, he 23 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 1: turned to the farmer and his wife and he said, 24 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: every time I come here, your dog is whining. Is 25 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: there something wrong with him? And the farmer looked at 26 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: him and said, oh yeah, he's laying on a nail. 27 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:38,840 Speaker 1: He said, laying on a nail. Well, why doesn't he move? 28 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,160 Speaker 1: And the farmer said, because it doesn't hurt bad enough. 29 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 1: We will stay in situations whining and complaining and making 30 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 1: everybody and everything wrong, laying on the same nail, but 31 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: we will not move until it hurts bad enough. My 32 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,360 Speaker 1: next guest is a prime example of what it looks 33 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:05,400 Speaker 1: like to lay on a nil. I definitely thank you 34 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 1: so much for holding on and welcome to the art spot. 35 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: How can I support you today? I am being married 36 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 1: twenty two years this year, and it's just kind of 37 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: getting fade now. I met this man when I was seventeen. 38 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:27,959 Speaker 1: He was nineteen ninety seven, four children, and it seems 39 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:32,600 Speaker 1: like everybody else is up front and I'm pushed back. 40 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:38,520 Speaker 1: I don't have any affection anymore. Um, I'm getting better. 41 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but you're not showing me you're sorry. So 42 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,080 Speaker 1: I'm just kind of fading, fade in a way. I'm 43 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,519 Speaker 1: trying to hold on. I am trying, but the more 44 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 1: I try, it seems like we're just gonna be apart. 45 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,520 Speaker 1: You said, I'm holding on. What are you holding on too? 46 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: I guess the relationship or maybe I'm saying it wrong. 47 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: I love them, but it's like we're roommates now instead 48 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: of bend husband and wife. So what do you do together? 49 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,360 Speaker 1: We used to do date night, a lot of activities together. 50 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: Now it's just like we don't really do anything together, 51 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,360 Speaker 1: spend quality time together like we used to. And it's 52 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,639 Speaker 1: just making it will the father apart. And now that 53 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: my children are older, there's been things. You know, I 54 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: would as growing up try to make everything happy in 55 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,079 Speaker 1: the household, and everything went well. But now that they're 56 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,280 Speaker 1: getting older, thing and be like mo, everything you try 57 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: to do, it's an argument. Why my daddy want to 58 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 1: argue with you? I don't know. And if if sometimes 59 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: I just get frustrated with I just leave. I shouldn't 60 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 1: leave the home, but I do. Why do you stay 61 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: if you want a husband and you have a roommate 62 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: and you have someone who's not making the efforts to 63 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:57,760 Speaker 1: rekindle the love ship. Why do you stay? I don't know. 64 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 1: I guess the only thing that's probably keeping me. Now, 65 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: if I have a seventh seen year old and I'm 66 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 1: just trying to give him through school, I guess I'm 67 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,720 Speaker 1: just to that point now, I'm just like whatever. So 68 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you again. You feel unhappy, you feel diminished, 69 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,839 Speaker 1: you feel denied, you feel ignored. Why do you stay? 70 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 1: That's a good question. I just don't know. Yeah, if 71 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 1: you did know, because see I come from the old 72 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,479 Speaker 1: school where this it's impossible for you not to know 73 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:33,160 Speaker 1: what's going on inside of you. Maybe you haven't asked, 74 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: but you do know. Let me rephrase the question, maybe 75 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,920 Speaker 1: this will be more helpful. Why would a woman who's 76 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: been married to someone for twenty two years who for 77 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,160 Speaker 1: the last how many years have you been denied, dismissed, ignored, 78 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: pushed it aside? How many years? I'm gonna say the 79 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:56,599 Speaker 1: last six seven years? Yeah, okay, So why would a 80 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 1: woman who's been married for twenty two years stay in 81 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:04,440 Speaker 1: a marriage where for the last six or seven years 82 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: she's been ignored, denied, dismissed, diminished, hasn't been fulfilled or happy? 83 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 1: Or satisfied or pleased. Why would she stay? A woman? 84 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,479 Speaker 1: Not you, a woman, any woman? Oh my god, that's 85 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,480 Speaker 1: a horrid on. Why would you say that is complete? 86 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: Why would she Let's let's just explore. Let's just throw 87 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,159 Speaker 1: everything on the wall and see what sticks. She would 88 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:35,520 Speaker 1: stay because family, okay, for family, um, just trying to 89 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: fill in the gaps. Or it once was a great 90 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:43,520 Speaker 1: marriage but now it is just completed away. I don't know, 91 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,120 Speaker 1: I'm kind of long. We're not talking about you. We're 92 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: talking about a woman. We're not talking about you get 93 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 1: out of this woman's marriage. We're talking about a woman. 94 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:00,120 Speaker 1: Why would she stay? I just I guess trying to 95 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: make it work and it's just not working. He walks 96 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,800 Speaker 1: into work again, it's not working. I mean, you know 97 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,440 Speaker 1: how you say you're doing something and then you your 98 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 1: actions show different. So maybe she's trying to make it work. 99 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 1: Maybe she's afraid to leave. Maybe she's staying because the 100 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:25,040 Speaker 1: marriage is a habit. That's Maybe she's staying because it's familiar. 101 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,880 Speaker 1: That's true, because you can't get comfortable in it. You 102 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,039 Speaker 1: can get comfortable like okay. Maybe she's staying because she 103 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,920 Speaker 1: doesn't want to take responsibility for her own happiness. Maybe 104 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:41,320 Speaker 1: maybe not, could be, who knows. Maybe she's staying because 105 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: it's more comfortable to complain about it and be confused 106 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,359 Speaker 1: about it than it is to grow the courage to 107 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:53,799 Speaker 1: do something about it. Maybe maybe not, could be, who knows. 108 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: That's true. Oh so you do have some ideas, that's true? 109 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 1: Imagine that? Uh, because I'm like, oh my goodness, is 110 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: it still a marriage? Yeah? Why what makes it a marriage? 111 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:15,720 Speaker 1: I guess um all the foundation that we built since 112 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:19,239 Speaker 1: we started out nothing, and we have accomplished a lot 113 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: of stuff together. As a minister, I don't know any 114 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 1: place in the marriage where it says, you know what 115 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,680 Speaker 1: you'll build together, you will have I know, better or worse, 116 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: rich or poorer, sickness and in health? Okay, till death 117 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: do your part? Death of what? Death of communication? Do 118 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:42,960 Speaker 1: you communicate with him? Some communication? Okay? Lacking? All? Right? 119 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 1: The death of affection? Are you all affectionate towards one another? 120 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: Death of intimacy? I mean, are y'all still knocking boots? Oh? 121 00:07:54,880 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: No communication, no affection, no intimacy. Do y'all share finding answer? Responsibility? Yes? Well, 122 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 1: I said, yes, I know. He was laid off through 123 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: the COVID. So he's going off like a year going 124 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: on two years and nothing, nothing, and you don't see 125 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 1: any you don't see anyone, say I don't see anyone. 126 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: I don't see no growth after the COVID saying I 127 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 1: don't see anything. You're trying to do to make the 128 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: situation better. Well, let me just offer just another consideration 129 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 1: here for that, because you know, men are doers. Men 130 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,560 Speaker 1: like to do. That's how they get their value, that's 131 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,320 Speaker 1: how they get their meaning. So when a man loses 132 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 1: his job, he really loses his focus, he loses his purpose, 133 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:46,199 Speaker 1: he loses his value, he loses his meaning, and sometimes 134 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: it's hard for them to you know, crank that up again. 135 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: Just a consideration, not an excuse, just the consideration. So 136 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 1: there's no communication, there's no affection, there's no intimacy, there's 137 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,920 Speaker 1: no shared finances. Could you please tell me what makes 138 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 1: this still a marriage? That's a good question, a good question. 139 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:12,840 Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer. I don't. I'm just 140 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 1: a long just foming my way up through, you know, 141 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:19,040 Speaker 1: just trying to maintain and it's just getting to be 142 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: overwhelming that it's like team effort, but it's only one 143 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 1: fighting on the team. It's hard to pull us together 144 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,360 Speaker 1: if we're not all if we're not together as a team, 145 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,800 Speaker 1: I just don't feel that. What do you want? I 146 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: wanted to be better. I wanted act like it was, 147 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: but improved better. It's to the point now I just 148 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,040 Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with it, you know. So 149 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,440 Speaker 1: I was trying to see what other solution to help 150 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 1: me with this. Maybe it's something I'm missing because I 151 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: know I'm trying to. I'm trying to hold the torch. 152 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 1: Being second makes you feel what angry? I'm overwheming. I'm 153 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: frustrated it caused is the argument? Any little thing he's 154 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,200 Speaker 1: something snapping his head off. It feels sad that you 155 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 1: would choose, you know, like that now myself, I don't 156 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: do that for him. I try to make everything this 157 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:15,719 Speaker 1: is pleasant to have, the house moves going, and I'm 158 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: the sport tolder now and you just kind of laid 159 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 1: back like, Okay, I'm gonna go with the floor with this, 160 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,959 Speaker 1: instead of saying I will help you to make this better. 161 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: And what is the consequence of him not doing better? 162 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,840 Speaker 1: What has the consequence been beside your fussing and arguing 163 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 1: what's the consequence that fussing? And so why should he change? 164 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,320 Speaker 1: He knows how to deal with your fussing and arguing. 165 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,240 Speaker 1: He knows that will go on for a day or two. 166 00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: He ain't giving you no nookie, so you can't take 167 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,200 Speaker 1: that from him. He's not showing you no affection, so 168 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,400 Speaker 1: you can't take that from him. Y'all arguing. So they're 169 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: lacking communication, So why should he change? That's true. He's 170 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: got I say, comfortable, accustomed to what's going on. It's 171 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:01,800 Speaker 1: a happen. That's a happen. So tell me what it 172 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 1: is that you don't want to do. I don't want 173 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,800 Speaker 1: to feel like I'm bogged down with everything, with the 174 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 1: most of the responsibility. What else? You don't want to 175 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,199 Speaker 1: feel like you're being used? You don't want to feel 176 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,959 Speaker 1: like you're being bogged down. None of those are feelings, 177 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 1: But okay, go ahead. What else don't you want to 178 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:25,440 Speaker 1: do that? I don't want to be disrespected? How about 179 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: I don't want to leave? Is that true? Is that accurate? Yes? 180 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 1: I don't want to leave, But then again I get 181 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: frustrated out like, yeah, I'm gonna leave, you know, I 182 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 1: go away. A couple of days, I should not to 183 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: leave security at my home to go somewhere else in 184 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: the hotel. That's the choice you made. So if you 185 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: are complaining about staying, I call that laying on the nail. 186 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,200 Speaker 1: You laying on the nail, and the nail hurts, but 187 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 1: you're not willing to move. So you you have a choice. 188 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,480 Speaker 1: You're either gonna learn how to operate in it as 189 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: it is and just let it continue to go on 190 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,520 Speaker 1: and see what's happening. Or you're gonna get up off 191 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 1: the nail, beloved, and we'll talk about that when we 192 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:17,480 Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the our spot. I can't 193 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 1: tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. 194 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 1: You'd either get up off the nail, or you would 195 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,200 Speaker 1: insist you'd put some fire under his behind, and there 196 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:31,200 Speaker 1: would be some consequences to his lack of participation in 197 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: what's left of this union, because I don't call it 198 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:38,680 Speaker 1: a marriage anymore. It's a union of two people. So 199 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,199 Speaker 1: I want you to hear this very clearly. Either you're 200 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: going to stay and figure out how to bring yourself 201 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 1: to peace, to joy, the happiness, to whatever it is 202 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: that you want with this thing exactly as it is, 203 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 1: because you don't want to leave, or you're gonna stop 204 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: complaining and do something about it, which might mean leave, 205 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,079 Speaker 1: or it might mean ask him the league, or it 206 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,080 Speaker 1: might mean I don't know, you have to come up 207 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,880 Speaker 1: with that. But just to keep complaining about it, it's 208 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: not helpful and it's not going to turn out well 209 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: for you. That I want to recommend a resource for you. 210 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 1: It's a book by a woman named Stormy Armington, and 211 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:30,560 Speaker 1: it's it's based in traditional Christian or church philosophy, but 212 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:35,439 Speaker 1: there's a lot of real um good information in the book. 213 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 1: Most of all, there are a lot of powerful prayers 214 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,920 Speaker 1: in the book, and it's called The Power of a 215 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 1: Praying Life. And there's a story in that book about 216 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 1: a woman in your exact situation. And that's why I'm 217 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:55,679 Speaker 1: recommending that book, The Power of a Praying Wife by 218 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,480 Speaker 1: Stormy A. S. T O r M I e ormanton 219 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: O r M I T A M. And I don't 220 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,520 Speaker 1: know where you are in your faith walk or whatever. 221 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: Don't get caught up in the scriptures and the Bible stuff. 222 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,240 Speaker 1: Read the stories and look at the practices that she 223 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,559 Speaker 1: gives you. Because she teaches you or she shares in 224 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:20,920 Speaker 1: that book how a complaining wife can pray to improve 225 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: her husband and her marriage. Okay, work with that, and 226 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 1: I want to offer you this possibility. See how you 227 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:36,880 Speaker 1: can do this. Instead of complaining about what he's not 228 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 1: doing and what you don't have, start blessing what you 229 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,720 Speaker 1: do have. Thank you God that my husband is healthy. 230 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: Thank you for my home. You know I bless my 231 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,280 Speaker 1: husband's mind. That bless his feet, and you know I 232 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,480 Speaker 1: bless his soul that he can get the courage and 233 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,480 Speaker 1: the motivation he needs to go back out there. Start 234 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,520 Speaker 1: blessing him and stop come plaining. That's one way you 235 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: can get up off the nail. Don't tell anybody else 236 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: how frustrated overwhelmed you are. Tell it to Jesus. As 237 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: my grandmother would say, Jesus, I'm feeling I'm feeling frustrated 238 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,000 Speaker 1: in this moment, and I really want to blast my 239 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 1: husband and buy his head off. Please help me. That's 240 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: what my grandmother would say. Tell your troubles to Jesus. 241 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 1: And any time it comes to your mind to tell somebody, 242 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,160 Speaker 1: bless something. But you get that book The Power of 243 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,240 Speaker 1: a Praying Wife, because it's real clear to me you 244 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 1: ain't going nowhere. No time soon we'll get that. Oh 245 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 1: love love, love yourself. I love the affirmations, all of 246 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,920 Speaker 1: this stuff. I was just, you know, puming across and 247 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 1: I said, I need some help with this man, because 248 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 1: I was about to go to counsel and need that too, probably, 249 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:58,520 Speaker 1: But well, read that book, work with those practices, and 250 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 1: let's see where you end up in about sixty days. Okay, 251 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,160 Speaker 1: thank you, my beloved, Good luck to you. Thank you. 252 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 1: Very often in a relationship, what a woman will do 253 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 1: is take the whole burden of the failure on herself, 254 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,520 Speaker 1: when in fact, in every relationship, each party is one 255 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,480 Speaker 1: responsible for what goes on. So the same way she's 256 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 1: willing to take on the responsibility for this failure, he 257 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 1: has to be willing to take it on. So what 258 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:36,600 Speaker 1: happens when you go into a relationship expecting one thing 259 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: only to get in it and find that you're getting 260 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: something totally different? And what do you do when your 261 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: partner makes you responsible for the thing that is missing. 262 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 1: That's what we're gonna talk about. My next guest has 263 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 1: a classic example of what happens when you expect one 264 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 1: thing and get something totally different. Good afternoon, beloved, Well 265 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,920 Speaker 1: them to the art spot. So how are we supporting 266 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,679 Speaker 1: you today? What is the challenge issue dilemma that you 267 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:13,879 Speaker 1: are bringing to the table. So the Chellis issue and 268 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,919 Speaker 1: the lemma is that I got married September one, two 269 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,679 Speaker 1: thousand twenty one. Um, we had no sex or anything 270 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,200 Speaker 1: before marriage. We did like a really really sweet courtship. 271 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:28,720 Speaker 1: And um, the night of our wedding is when I 272 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 1: found out that he was not um attracted to my body. 273 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,920 Speaker 1: That was really interesting for me. He didn't say out 274 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,960 Speaker 1: of his offer, I thought in the space, and about 275 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,160 Speaker 1: two weeks later, Um, because we weren't having like any 276 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,199 Speaker 1: sex or anything, you know, newly with you should be 277 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: doing that and we were not. And UM, I was like, 278 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,800 Speaker 1: you know, this is like I'm feeling very deprived and 279 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,000 Speaker 1: very lonely and very like checking and pushed aside. And 280 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,920 Speaker 1: on thirty short now we're in April. Um, we had 281 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,159 Speaker 1: like marriage counseling and stuff like that, and canue ary 282 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 1: in February and pretty much nothing has changed. It probably 283 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,639 Speaker 1: has sex one time within the last month. And because 284 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:12,800 Speaker 1: he's not necessarily attracted to my body, I don't get compliments. 285 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,680 Speaker 1: I don't get hugged the way somebody who was attracted 286 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,760 Speaker 1: to you would give you a hug. It's kind of 287 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 1: like a a hug because you're in the house, not 288 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:25,880 Speaker 1: really a hug because I love you, love you like um, 289 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,560 Speaker 1: I don't get like wet passionate kisses. It's like a 290 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 1: kiss in the morning to kiss that night. It's like 291 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,280 Speaker 1: it's almost like we've been married for like sixty years 292 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:40,360 Speaker 1: and not like six months. So it's it's whack and um. Um, 293 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: Typically I can manage pretty good. Um. Like I said, 294 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,360 Speaker 1: not much has changed, but like my perspective of how 295 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: and how I've been trying to handle it. Um, But 296 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: today was just like, Yo, this is not normal. I 297 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,159 Speaker 1: can't live like this forever. So let me ask you 298 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,600 Speaker 1: a question, belove, and how how long did you date 299 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 1: before you got married? Um? Our course ship was about 300 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: nine months? Nine months. What was the conversation that you 301 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 1: had about intimacy children? Did you have that conversation? Yes, ma'am. 302 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,320 Speaker 1: I actually specifically asked him what his type was like, 303 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,560 Speaker 1: what he physically like, and he gave me the regular 304 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: guy and there, I don't have no type. I'm like, no, no, 305 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 1: you have a type. You know what you don't like, 306 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: if you know what you do like, I know what 307 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,679 Speaker 1: I don't like, and I know what I feel like. 308 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 1: You have to tell me what your type is. And 309 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: it was just I don't have a time, but I 310 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,040 Speaker 1: just like what I like. Da da da da. And 311 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,600 Speaker 1: I found out that I wasn't his type like see, 312 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,720 Speaker 1: but I asked this question before we got married, so 313 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,399 Speaker 1: I wouldn't go into a marriage with you finding out 314 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,920 Speaker 1: that I'm not your cup of tea. Wait a minute, 315 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,680 Speaker 1: I want to go back for a moment. You married 316 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 1: a man that you dated for nine months. Within that 317 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:59,560 Speaker 1: nine month courtship period, did you and him have a 318 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:03,080 Speaker 1: conver sessation about we're going to not going to have 319 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,680 Speaker 1: sex until we're married, we're gonna have children. Did you 320 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,879 Speaker 1: have those kinds of conversations. Yes, that was the whole, 321 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,520 Speaker 1: like the point of like the courtship, because he came 322 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,600 Speaker 1: from a relationship where it was fornication. I came from 323 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,280 Speaker 1: a relationship or it was fornication. So we decided, okay, 324 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: we're gonna do it different. And we're both most moms. 325 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: It was like we gotta, you know, tieing up. So 326 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,440 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, let's do it. Do it different. Okay, 327 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,639 Speaker 1: So you you're both. Okay, that that makes sense to me. Man, Okay, 328 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:37,520 Speaker 1: did you have conversations about children and did you decide 329 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:41,000 Speaker 1: that you wanted children? Do you have any? No? Man, 330 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:45,040 Speaker 1: and he doesn't either. And he doesn't either. Okay, So 331 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:48,159 Speaker 1: you married a man you dated for nine months. You 332 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 1: both made a conscious choice and decision not to have 333 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:55,800 Speaker 1: intimate relationships until after marriage. However, after marriage, you both 334 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: decided that you want to have children. So what do 335 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,719 Speaker 1: we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. 336 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,960 Speaker 1: Welcome back to be our spot. Are you prepared to 337 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 1: live a sexless life? Okay? All right? Because it seems 338 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,720 Speaker 1: like and see, this is common. This is a common 339 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,960 Speaker 1: mistake or a common issue that rises in relationships where 340 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 1: we don't ask the appropriate questions, where we don't make 341 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:38,199 Speaker 1: appropriate agreement. You know. And my mother taught me something. 342 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: It's kind of crass and nasty, but I'm gonna say it, Okay. 343 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,919 Speaker 1: My mother taught me that a hard penis has no conscious. 344 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 1: It will jump into any whole presented. It don't have 345 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,960 Speaker 1: no odds, it don't have no preference. It doesn't. So 346 00:21:56,320 --> 00:22:00,840 Speaker 1: I'm wondering if the issue here is your body or 347 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,920 Speaker 1: if your body is an excuse for an underlying issue. 348 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: I wouldn't be opposed to that. I just know what 349 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,840 Speaker 1: he said, Like we had a real big, kind of 350 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,480 Speaker 1: like not a blow up and like a loud blow up. 351 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: But I was like this was back in junior, Like 352 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,359 Speaker 1: you gotta tell me, like what it is, because for 353 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 1: the first couple of months he was just very rejecting, 354 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,679 Speaker 1: like I tried to kiss him and he's kind of 355 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,919 Speaker 1: like moving out the way, or I want to have 356 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,920 Speaker 1: sense if he wants to go to sleep, and it's 357 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: like yo, and we just got married. Do you know 358 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,320 Speaker 1: what this means? Like what the heck is going on? Okay, 359 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: so let me ask you stop right there, stop right there, 360 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:40,479 Speaker 1: take a breath from me. What is going on? Because 361 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,800 Speaker 1: you you know what's going on? I know, you know. 362 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,240 Speaker 1: I just really don't think he was dragging to my body, 363 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,840 Speaker 1: Like genuinely, I don't think that he attracted to my side. 364 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,439 Speaker 1: That is not a Muslim philosophy because women are shrouded 365 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: and covered because the body, and according to Islamic tradition, 366 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 1: Islam make faith the body is not to be the 367 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 1: thing that attracts a man to a woman. It's her eyes. 368 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 1: But they still have eyes and then once you make it, 369 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 1: then they see you. I have fibroids, So it does 370 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,440 Speaker 1: kind of, you know, it make my stomach a little 371 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:21,720 Speaker 1: bit bigger. And the conversation was kind of around like, 372 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: once I get the five works, I have to get 373 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 1: the removed. Anyway that once I get them removed, to 374 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,680 Speaker 1: be attracted. However, my worry is that it has nothing 375 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 1: to do with the fiber. Resident's really just you don't 376 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,160 Speaker 1: like my body, and then I'm gonna give these five 377 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 1: words moved and I must still be faserable. And it 378 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:40,720 Speaker 1: wasn't what he quite literally said, I liked your faith. 379 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,240 Speaker 1: What are you acting like? You don't know? I don't 380 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 1: know absolutely you do well, I swear because I went 381 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 1: into the whole cheating on me things like I like 382 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,720 Speaker 1: did all the reefs I really really we had those 383 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:59,359 Speaker 1: like really really deep questions and it was like he 384 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:02,760 Speaker 1: quite literal, we said, I'm not I'm attracted through your faith, 385 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 1: but as far as your body, you know, how about 386 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,639 Speaker 1: is he has a capacity issue or maybe he just 387 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,400 Speaker 1: don't like women? How about that? How about he might 388 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 1: have e D And as a Muslim man, don't know 389 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,439 Speaker 1: how to talk about that. The question for me is 390 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,720 Speaker 1: not what he's saying. The question for me is what 391 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,159 Speaker 1: you're saying. And so very often in relationships, as women, 392 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,919 Speaker 1: we take the entire burden of the relationship not working. 393 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 1: We place it on our shoulders. So you have fibroids, 394 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:33,240 Speaker 1: and there are women that weighed three four hundred pounds 395 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:37,000 Speaker 1: that got a man beloved. This is not about your body. 396 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,719 Speaker 1: I could be wrong. I'm willing to be wrong, but 397 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:45,880 Speaker 1: whatever it's about, you have partnered yourself to a man 398 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,679 Speaker 1: that does not want to be involved in one of 399 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: the basic tenets of intimate relationship, which is intimacy. Are 400 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:59,800 Speaker 1: you willing to stay in a sexless marriage? Okay, so 401 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 1: what's the next step. I don't necessarily want to get separated. 402 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,720 Speaker 1: We did have the conversation about separation and I told him, like, 403 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,439 Speaker 1: I will, like I can't stay in the sexist marriage 404 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,200 Speaker 1: or the unpassionate marriage, imagines that America doesn't have reciprocity, 405 00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 1: So like, I'm willing to leave. He's like, oh, we're 406 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:23,800 Speaker 1: gonna do better. I'm gonna do better. That Like okay, 407 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 1: but why is all of the decision making on him? 408 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:32,320 Speaker 1: What about you? This is your life, your body. Here 409 00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:35,200 Speaker 1: you are a vibrant young woman. What are you twenty 410 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 1: six questioning whether or not you are attracted to a 411 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:46,119 Speaker 1: man that made a commitment to be in relationship with you? 412 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: Why are you giving him all the power? What would 413 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,919 Speaker 1: it take for you to make another choice? Oops? I 414 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,040 Speaker 1: chose him, it didn't work. Are you willing to stay? 415 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 1: And if you're not? What prevents you from leaving? But 416 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,880 Speaker 1: preventing from you and the fibroids? What do you mean 417 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,840 Speaker 1: what prevents you from take your fibroids elsewhere? I think 418 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:11,639 Speaker 1: what prevent me from the thing is in every other area. 419 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: He's a really good person, and I really really like him. 420 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,000 Speaker 1: The only thing that has like been just this like 421 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:21,280 Speaker 1: brain clouds since literally the night we got married, has 422 00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:26,400 Speaker 1: been the sex of it all. How insulting, how degrading, 423 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:33,200 Speaker 1: how disrespectful, how dishonorable. So you're gonna bend yourself into 424 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:37,159 Speaker 1: a pretzel to accommodate that, And hear me, I would 425 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,720 Speaker 1: never advocate the dissolution of a marriage. What I will 426 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 1: always advocate it's self preservation. Now, if he were on 427 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,040 Speaker 1: the phone with me, I would ask him the same thing. 428 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,359 Speaker 1: If he was selling me the story that he's not 429 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,199 Speaker 1: attracted to your body and and he has married you. Um, 430 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,959 Speaker 1: I would ask him, is it fair for you to 431 00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 1: ask her to stay in a sexless marriage because of 432 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 1: your limitations? I would ask him that question. So the 433 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,639 Speaker 1: question here is, if you're not willing to stay in 434 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 1: a sexless marriage, then why do you continue to give 435 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,800 Speaker 1: yourself excuses and reasons and ration anounce for staying? Why 436 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 1: are you so willing to deny yourself nineteen months? You 437 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,760 Speaker 1: can make that up as one lap around the track. 438 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:30,399 Speaker 1: Very often in relationships, as women, we have a difficult 439 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 1: time with two things. One, we want to be chosen, 440 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:40,479 Speaker 1: so when the man chooses us, it gives us, you know, 441 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 1: the red badge of courage. And then two we have 442 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:49,960 Speaker 1: a difficult time admitting oaths made a mistake. This is 443 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,760 Speaker 1: a mistake, and I get to choose again, so I 444 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,439 Speaker 1: can talk to you until my lips fall off. But 445 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 1: there's some clear choices that you're going to have to 446 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:02,880 Speaker 1: make here. Number one, choose. Let me put it this way, 447 00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: vote for you, and a vote for you would be 448 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:10,240 Speaker 1: a man who accepts you exactly as you are, not 449 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,480 Speaker 1: that you gotta get something lifted or tucked or removed 450 00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,720 Speaker 1: or taken out, a man who loves you and accepts 451 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,320 Speaker 1: you exactly as you are, a man who is willing 452 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,719 Speaker 1: to be intimate with you, a man who's willing to 453 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,280 Speaker 1: play his role in a partnership. So let me ask 454 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:31,200 Speaker 1: you this, what does the Koran say about a man 455 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,400 Speaker 1: who rejects his wife? What does the Koran say about that? 456 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 1: It's already words, um, it talks about how by basically 457 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: a man can you know, um, he could do all 458 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,960 Speaker 1: the things going through there after to try to go 459 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: into their after But any man that doesn't treat his 460 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 1: wife and his children, well, we're not making it. So 461 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,320 Speaker 1: that's the same point of a man who does not um, 462 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,959 Speaker 1: who rejects his wife, he doesn't treat her well, alrighty, 463 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,920 Speaker 1: So are you gonna ride that train with him to 464 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 1: the not after life? And if you choose that this 465 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 1: is the man that gives you everything else other than 466 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:16,520 Speaker 1: uh intimacy, other than sex, and you choose, as a 467 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:20,040 Speaker 1: twenty six year old woman, that you're willing to spend 468 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 1: your life in that and wait until he either changes 469 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: or live a sexless life, then that's okay. But make 470 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:30,680 Speaker 1: that choice for you. Not because he says he doesn't 471 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:34,160 Speaker 1: he's not attracted to your body, and if you choose 472 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:37,840 Speaker 1: not to, Okay, oops, he chose me, but I chose 473 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,560 Speaker 1: the wrong one. I'm out. Then make your exit plan 474 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,960 Speaker 1: and you don't need his agreement. That's the piece here, beloved. 475 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:51,959 Speaker 1: You don't need his agreement. And I'm not sure it's honorable, respectful, 476 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,960 Speaker 1: or required for you to spend time wondering what's wrong 477 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:00,040 Speaker 1: with your body that this man doesn't want BECA of 478 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:03,000 Speaker 1: the truth is if you were intimate with him, his 479 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,760 Speaker 1: eyes would be closed and he wouldn't see your body anyway, 480 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: you know, And I'm not putting him down. He has 481 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,480 Speaker 1: a right to like what he likes, and some people 482 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,920 Speaker 1: are not attracted. I don't understand why he didn't make 483 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: that decision or that choice before. You know, he made 484 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 1: this commitment, so he's not honoring his commitment. But it's 485 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:28,040 Speaker 1: up to you. What do you want? Vote for you 486 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,640 Speaker 1: and you don't have to have a discussion about it. 487 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 1: All you have to do is make the choice and 488 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:38,400 Speaker 1: make the decision and create your strategy. A woman has 489 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:42,640 Speaker 1: three a's that she has to share with her mate, 490 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: which is acknowledgement, acknowledgement of what he does, appreciation for 491 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: how he does it, an acceptance of who he is. 492 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:56,000 Speaker 1: Those are our a's and you can add to that affirmation. 493 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,200 Speaker 1: So you want to acknowledge, you want to affirm, you 494 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:02,040 Speaker 1: want to appreci ate, you want to accept. That's what 495 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:06,840 Speaker 1: women are called to do in their loving relationships. Men 496 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 1: have the four peas. That is, to provide That means 497 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,760 Speaker 1: to make sure you have food, clothing, shelter, protect keep 498 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 1: you from physical and other harm. To perform, which means 499 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:22,920 Speaker 1: all levels of performance, from taking the trash out to 500 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,480 Speaker 1: getting into bed and rocking your word, and to please, 501 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,800 Speaker 1: to do those things that bring a smile to your face. 502 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:33,680 Speaker 1: So he may have the provide and the protect, but 503 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 1: he's falling real short on the um, perform and please, 504 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,640 Speaker 1: So you're getting two out of the four piece. All right, 505 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: eat your piece, Eat your piece. So if I had 506 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,720 Speaker 1: to leave you with the prescription, that prescription would be 507 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 1: either choose to stay and be okay with it the 508 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:01,400 Speaker 1: way it is not question yourself but totally accept him 509 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:05,720 Speaker 1: as he is, which means denying a major part of yourself, 510 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:10,800 Speaker 1: or choose not to stay because this is not how 511 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,600 Speaker 1: you want to live your life. Acknowledge that you may 512 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:17,520 Speaker 1: have made an error, know that that error is not fatal, 513 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:22,920 Speaker 1: and that there's something better. Because if you want so 514 00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:25,680 Speaker 1: much to be with a man who doesn't want you, 515 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,240 Speaker 1: imagine how good it will be to be with a 516 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:36,280 Speaker 1: man who does. Yo. M hmmmm. Alright, my beloved, let 517 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 1: me know how you make out. Give me, give me 518 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 1: a call, and let's say ninety days and tell me 519 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:47,400 Speaker 1: where you are. Okay, okay, my love, be well, Bye bye, 520 00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:53,240 Speaker 1: laying on the dail. And the truth is you will 521 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: lay on that nail and wine and moan and complain 522 00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:00,040 Speaker 1: until you do something about it. And if you're not 523 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:03,320 Speaker 1: willing to get up off the nail, the very least 524 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,920 Speaker 1: you can do is do something to make you feel 525 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:09,760 Speaker 1: better while you're laying there. I am Yamla and thank 526 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,880 Speaker 1: you for tuning in. If you have questions insights about 527 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,040 Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue and you would like 528 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,640 Speaker 1: to explore it here on the our spot, you can 529 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:23,200 Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven 530 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 1: seven seven six eight, and be sure to follow me 531 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:30,120 Speaker 1: on social media for the call in times. In the meantime, 532 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:39,640 Speaker 1: stay in peace, not pieces. The r Spot is a 533 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:44,080 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. 534 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,720 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart 535 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:52,800 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 536 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 1: favorite shows.