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Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. Today's topic is choosing

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Speaker 1: quality friendships over quantity. Now, friendship is one of the

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Speaker 1: most important things in our lives, right. It is something

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Speaker 1: that we need in every phase and every stage of

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Speaker 1: growing up and adulting. But I would actually argue that

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Speaker 1: friendship is even more critical and more important as we

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Speaker 1: get older, as we adult, because life is hard. There's

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Speaker 1: so many things that come our way the older we get,

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Speaker 1: and real life problems happen that perhaps don't happen when

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Speaker 1: we're kids, and you really need people that you can

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Speaker 1: lean on and that you can count on, and that

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Speaker 1: at any moment of any day you can call or

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Speaker 1: text and you know that someone is going to be

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Speaker 1: there for you. It's a beautiful thing to find your

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Speaker 1: tribe in life. And that's why I always say quality

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Speaker 1: friendships is so much more important than quantity. Having people

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Speaker 1: in your life, even if it's just a few that

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Speaker 1: you know have your back through thick and thin, is

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Speaker 1: so much more valuable than having twenty you know so

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Speaker 1: so friends, Because at the end of the day, who's

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Speaker 1: going to have your back and your best interest those

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Speaker 1: few friends or those twenty friends. And I've learned this

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Speaker 1: throughout my life in some very big and important lessons,

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Speaker 1: And I think people sometimes sometimes say, oh, man, I

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Speaker 1: wish I had more friends, whereas the narrative should be

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Speaker 1: I wish I had more quality friends. So I think

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Speaker 1: I'm also passionate about this topic because there's a lot

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Speaker 1: in life we don't get to choose. Things just happen

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Speaker 1: sometimes to us, and we can't control them. As much

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Speaker 1: as we try to hold onto that control, we don't

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Speaker 1: control life all the time. You can only control so much.

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Speaker 1: But you can control who you're friends with, and who

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Speaker 1: you invest in, and the people you allow in your

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Speaker 1: life and in your inner circle, which I think is

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Speaker 1: tremendously important for a variety of reasons. So I always

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Speaker 1: was told by people older than me, as you get older,

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Speaker 1: your circle gets tighter, and I never really knew what

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Speaker 1: that meant. So I was like, I don't know about that.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I can't imagine there's people in my life

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Speaker 1: today that wouldn't be in my life in a few years. Well,

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Speaker 1: let me tell you that saying is one hundred percent right.

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Speaker 1: The circle does get tighter. That doesn't mean you don't

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Speaker 1: have many different groups of friends and people in your life,

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Speaker 1: because I do. I have a lot of different friend groups.

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Speaker 1: But when I think about my core and the people

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Speaker 1: I know would be there for me in two seconds,

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Speaker 1: you who have proven to be there for me in

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Speaker 1: two seconds when I needed them, it is a tight circle.

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Speaker 1: It is a tight circle. You can have a lot

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Speaker 1: of acquaintances, but like that deep level of intimacy and

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Speaker 1: a best friend, it's a different thing. And I think

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Speaker 1: about even my wedding. My wedding was almost ten years ago,

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Speaker 1: and I look at who we invited to that wedding,

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Speaker 1: and there are people we invited to that wedding that

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Speaker 1: would not be invited to the wedding today. And I'm

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Speaker 1: not just talking about like two or three I mean

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Speaker 1: there is a large chunk of people that would not

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Speaker 1: be invited to my wedding today. And then I think

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Speaker 1: about the people I've met throughout these ten years that

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Speaker 1: have passed, and I can't believe they weren't at my wedding.

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Speaker 1: Some of my bestest friends in the world. So it's

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Speaker 1: funny how life does change. And that's one of the

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Speaker 1: kind of real world examples for me where I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, that's saying about your circle getting tighter,

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Speaker 1: and how friendships can change over the course of your life.

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Speaker 1: It's so true. Geo and I joke like we need

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Speaker 1: to redo our wedding because there's a handful of people

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Speaker 1: we cannot believe weren't there. So it's a really interesting

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Speaker 1: thing kind of as you go through life and as

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Speaker 1: you meet different folks who come in and out of it,

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Speaker 1: who you connect with, and who you realize you're not

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Speaker 1: really connecting with anymore. So the adulthood transition, it's it's

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Speaker 1: interesting because there's many lessons I'm learning. And I'm going

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Speaker 1: to be forty next year, so there's many things I've

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Speaker 1: seen and I've experienced and I've witnessed with friends in

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Speaker 1: my life that have been both joyfully pleasant and surprising,

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Speaker 1: but also heartbreaking. And I am so lucky to have

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Speaker 1: certain people in my life that I've had forever. Like

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Speaker 1: my best friend Joey is my cousin, and we grew

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Speaker 1: up together and he's been a part of my life

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Speaker 1: since birth. And yeah, he's family, but family doesn't always

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Speaker 1: mean your best friends. And we've chosen to be best

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Speaker 1: friends and we've invested in our friendship and he is

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Speaker 1: someone in this world who knows me more than anybody.

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Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful and thankful for that. And honestly,

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Speaker 1: in high school, him and I we leaned on each

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Speaker 1: other so much because I would say we weren't always

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Speaker 1: the coolest kids around. We were theater boys and we

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Speaker 1: were artsy and we were creative and that wasn't always popular. Right,

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Speaker 1: So we have friends, but him and I we were

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Speaker 1: each other's right or dies and we still are. And

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Speaker 1: I think there's so much value in that, because you

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Speaker 1: need somebody you can lean on. And I was so

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Speaker 1: fulfilled with that. I was so fulfilled with that friendship.

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Speaker 1: I didn't have twenty best friends in high school. I

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Speaker 1: mean I had a handful, and Joey was one of

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Speaker 1: them and is still one of them. And that for me,

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Speaker 1: like it got me through really tough times. And I

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Speaker 1: think he would feel the same way. And I'm so

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Speaker 1: lucky for that. So it's really about quality. And I

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Speaker 1: don't know about you, but have you guys ever been

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Speaker 1: ghosted when times get tough by a friend? Yeah, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. That's not a

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Speaker 1: quality friend, being ghosted by somebody who doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: deal with a hard time you're going through or be

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Speaker 1: a shoulder for you to lean on, is quite honestly

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Speaker 1: some bullshit, and that's not someone that should be in

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Speaker 1: your life as a close friend. So I think that

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Speaker 1: when you think about the type of person you want

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Speaker 1: in your life, you have to evaluate a few different things.

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Speaker 1: There's kind of a criteria, I like to say, of

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Speaker 1: what constitutes as a quality friend. So first of all,

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Speaker 1: I think number one is what do you most value

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Speaker 1: in a friend? For me, it's loyalty and compassion and

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Speaker 1: empathy and someone who believes in the goodness of the world.

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Speaker 1: I mean, these are concrete values that we all have,

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Speaker 1: and I think that they're different for everybody. But you

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Speaker 1: have to find out which value for you are ones

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Speaker 1: that you need in somebody else, and you need to

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Speaker 1: be aligned with that. Why would you be friends with

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Speaker 1: somebody who doesn't have your values? I mean, have you

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Speaker 1: ever been having a conversation with someone and they say

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Speaker 1: something so off color or so bananas that you're like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, that is someone I could never be

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Speaker 1: friends with because we just don't see eye to eye

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Speaker 1: on the same things. And it's jarring when that kind

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Speaker 1: of view comes out, because it's so not who you

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Speaker 1: are at your core. So I think having similar values

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Speaker 1: is really important. I think that honesty is another value

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Speaker 1: for me that means everything. You can't have a deep

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Speaker 1: quality relationship with someone who's not honest. So analyzing what

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Speaker 1: matters to you and looking at the people in your

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Speaker 1: life and realizing, Okay, these are the people that have

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Speaker 1: these values and these are the people that don't is

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Speaker 1: a good way to kind of weed out who you

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Speaker 1: want to stay close to and invest in. I think

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Speaker 1: that's a really important thing. I think that the connection

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Speaker 1: also has to be something you analyze in terms of

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Speaker 1: how deep does it go? Is this person with you

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Speaker 1: through thick and thin? I know it's the marriage vow,

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Speaker 1: but it also applies to friendship, and it's in the

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Speaker 1: tough times that you want somebody to be next to you,

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Speaker 1: holding your hand, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. I

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Speaker 1: have had people over the last few years that just

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Speaker 1: weren't there for me when I needed them, when I

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Speaker 1: needed them, when I've had family members being diagnosed with

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Speaker 1: incurable forms of cancer, and who I thought was one

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Speaker 1: of my best friends at the time not even asking

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Speaker 1: me how I am or how they are, And this

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Speaker 1: person knows my family member who has incurable cancer. So

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Speaker 1: there's things that kind of wake you up and unfortunately

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Speaker 1: do disappoint you in friendships and in relationships as you

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Speaker 1: go along your life that you realize, Wow, like this

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Speaker 1: person just wants me around to drink rose by the

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Speaker 1: pool and not be there for me, and I actually

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Speaker 1: need you, like when I'm actually falling apart because someone

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Speaker 1: I love is dying, you're not even there for me.

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Speaker 1: Like that is not great in a friendship. So I

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Speaker 1: think realizing that you need someone who has a deep

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Speaker 1: connection to you beyond just surface level things is important

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Speaker 1: in finding a quality friendship. I also think that you

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Speaker 1: have to pay attention to how somebody makes you feel

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Speaker 1: after you hang out with them or after you interact

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Speaker 1: with them. Does somebody make you feel good or does

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Speaker 1: somebody make you feel worse than you felt prior to

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Speaker 1: hanging out with them? And that's something that's really important

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Speaker 1: because you can't spend your time with somebody feeling bad

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Speaker 1: about yourself the entire time, Like that's not a friendship.

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Speaker 1: And there shouldn't be people in your life who want

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Speaker 1: to make you feel that bad or that down, or

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Speaker 1: who knock you down or make you feel not valued

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Speaker 1: or not imporant, or stupid or silly. Like you need

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Speaker 1: someone that's kind of your hype man. Like be a

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Speaker 1: hype man, be a hype woman. I want to hype

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Speaker 1: people up in my life all the time. I am like, yo, Joey,

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Speaker 1: you're a king. You've got this. Someone's pissing you off?

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Speaker 1: F them, like you got to have each other's backs, right,

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Speaker 1: So you want someone that makes you feel good when

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Speaker 1: you're actually interacting and engaging with them. It's so important.

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Speaker 1: And I also think that remembering who hasn't hasn't shown

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Speaker 1: up for you is super important. I had a friend.

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Speaker 1: I will never forget this should. I have a friend,

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Speaker 1: and she is such a beautiful human and I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: shout her out. Her name is Jenna. And when my

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Speaker 1: grandfather passed away in twenty twenty, my family or somebody

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Speaker 1: in my family posted online the services and it happened

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Speaker 1: right before COVID and I didn't tell anybody. I'm not

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Speaker 1: the person that's you know, I don't know. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to inconvenience people. I don't want to make people

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Speaker 1: go out of their way. I don't want people to

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Speaker 1: feel bad so I just kind of privately went about

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Speaker 1: my morning of this and my friends, my close friends,

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Speaker 1: knew I lost him. But I went to the funeral

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Speaker 1: and halfway through in walks Jenna, and I'm just totally

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Speaker 1: baffled looking at her, like, wait, how are you here?

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Speaker 1: What is what are you doing here? How did you

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Speaker 1: even know about this? And my stepmom posted on Facebook

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Speaker 1: the service information and they follow each other, so she

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Speaker 1: saw that and on her own didn't reach out to me,

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Speaker 1: didn't reach out to my family, just got in her

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Speaker 1: car and drove an hour and a half to the

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Speaker 1: service and walked in to show her support. And I

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Speaker 1: will never forget that. I was moved to tears because

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Speaker 1: I just it was such an act of selflessness and

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Speaker 1: she wanted to be there for me and didn't even

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Speaker 1: tell me she was doing it. And to just have

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Speaker 1: a face that I love in that room, aside from

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Speaker 1: my family, meant the world to me. And that's called

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Speaker 1: showing up. That is showing up. That is a quality friendship.

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Speaker 1: So quality friendships are people that do things for you

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Speaker 1: when you least expect it, with zero expectations, and they

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Speaker 1: just want to be there for you. That is a

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Speaker 1: quality friendship and it's it. Literally to this day, it

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Speaker 1: means the world to me and I will never ever

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Speaker 1: ever forget that. So making sure that that people truly

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Speaker 1: show up for you in your life or so, it's

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Speaker 1: just such an important things. So those are all things

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Speaker 1: I look for in quality of friendships. And there's a few,

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Speaker 1: you know, red flags that I will look out for

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Speaker 1: as well. One sidedness, selfishness, never asking how you are,

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Speaker 1: never checking in with you, not ever going deeper beyond

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Speaker 1: the surface level stuff with you, jealousy, never supporting your dreams,

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Speaker 1: your hopes, your desires. When you have conversations, it's only

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Speaker 1: about them and their needs and their wants. Never having

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Speaker 1: someone ask you a question. These are all red flags.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you need to write anybody off,

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Speaker 1: because I don't believe in that. That's really harsh. I

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Speaker 1: think you can distance yourself from somebody, But I'm just

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Speaker 1: talking about realizing who the people are that you want

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Speaker 1: to invest in. These are things that you should definitely

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Speaker 1: definitely look out for. It's draining to be with people

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Speaker 1: like that. It's really draining. You want somebody at the

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Speaker 1: end of the day to have your back one hundred

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Speaker 1: percent and you want to know that they want you

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Speaker 1: to grow and soar and be the best of you

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Speaker 1: you can be. Every day I do a little morning

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Speaker 1: prayer when I'm walking to the gym, and I always say,

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Speaker 1: for the people in my life, I want them to

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Speaker 1: find their ultimate source of happiness, where their wildest dreams

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Speaker 1: come true and they live the life that they want

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Speaker 1: to live, because that's what I want for my friends.

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Speaker 1: I want that for them. Their happiness is my happiness,

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Speaker 1: and it should be the other way around. So just

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Speaker 1: remember that. If you're sitting around saying, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I wish I had more friends, or why is it

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Speaker 1: so hard to make more friends? If you have a

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Speaker 1: handful of quality friends, you're doing good. That is what

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Speaker 1: life is all about, real genuine connection. Numbers don't matter.

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Speaker 1: And if you're someone looking for that, I hope the

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Speaker 1: things I talked about today kind of get you on

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Speaker 1: the right path to finding the types of people that

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Speaker 1: you should allow in your life. Because, baby, your life

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Speaker 1: is magic. You are magic. And if you're allowing someone

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Speaker 1: in your life, they need to be worthy of entering

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Speaker 1: your life because you can't forget how specially you are.

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Speaker 1: So here's to just nurturing and spending more time on

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Speaker 1: the people that matter. And lastly, I always say we're

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Speaker 1: so busy that I want to spend the free time

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Speaker 1: I have investing in the relationships that fill my cup.

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Speaker 1: And I hope you do the same, because we all

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Speaker 1: deserve that. Friendship is so important we can't get through

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Speaker 1: this life without it. So here's to taking time to

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Speaker 1: invest in quality friendships, all right, guys. Here is to

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Speaker 1: spreading the love and making sure that we all have

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Speaker 1: the people in our lives that are worthy of our

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Speaker 1: full selves. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by

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Speaker 1: Me Tommy Diderio. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew

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Speaker 1: Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by

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Speaker 1: Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of

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Speaker 1: the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. For more,

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Speaker 1: rate review and subscribe to our show and if you

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Speaker 1: liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm

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Speaker 1: Tommy Didario.