Speaker 1: From twenty one to twenty five, I was running my
Speaker 1: own PR business, a nightlife PR business. I was totally
Speaker 1: hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was totally addicted to relationships,
Speaker 1: addicted to work, addicted to being seen, just food issues,
Speaker 1: so multi addicted.
Speaker 2: Gabby Ben Seen everyone is on her tenth book. You're
Speaker 2: a spiritual leader to so many people. You've helped so
Speaker 2: many people make it through different parts of their journeys
Speaker 2: in their life.
Speaker 1: I was cracking, I was falling apart. I was having
Speaker 1: a mental breakdown only to have a dream, and in
Speaker 1: that dream, I remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that
Speaker 1: I had completely dissociated from first.
Speaker 2: The first time you had a memory of it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, these moments of wreckage are our assignments. We have
Speaker 1: a choice in this lifetime. Are we going to show
Speaker 1: up for them or we're going to play small? Can
Speaker 1: you just try on something with me? Would you just
Speaker 1: place your hand on your heart and your other hand
Speaker 1: on your belly. That's really nice? Thank you.
Speaker 2: I'm rather Dabukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
Speaker 2: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 2: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
Speaker 2: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being on the podcast. I
Speaker 2: am just obsessed with you and been such a big fan.
Speaker 2: And I know I came on your podcast and you
Speaker 2: were just the most incredible host. But I can't believe
Speaker 2: you're on your tenth book? Are you joking? Gaby Bernstein?
Speaker 2: Everyone is on her tenth book, and you're so many
Speaker 2: things like I feel like you're a spiritual leader to
Speaker 2: so many people. You've helped so many people make it
Speaker 2: through different parts of their journeys in their life. And
Speaker 2: I just think that the work that you've done, I
Speaker 2: think there's only certain types of people that can do that,
Speaker 2: is people who've really done the work themselves. And I
Speaker 2: think that's what's so beautiful about your book is I
Speaker 2: can really read and I can feel the work that
Speaker 2: you've done to be able to speak on a topic
Speaker 2: like that. And so I know we've known each other
Speaker 2: for a while, but I want to take it back
Speaker 2: because I realized I don't actually know how you started, Like, oh,
Speaker 2: all of it.
Speaker 1: Go back, because I need to know, Okay, Roddie, I
Speaker 1: first of all, I want to just say to you
Speaker 1: that to reflect back to me that when you're reading
Speaker 1: the book, you feel the work is really meaningful to me,
Speaker 1: Because if we're going to go backwards, all I can
Speaker 1: say is that for the last nineteen years, I have
Speaker 1: been deeply devoted to the inner work more than anyone
Speaker 1: I know, more than anyone I know, more than some
Speaker 1: of the greatest spiritual teachers I've ever had. Not to
Speaker 1: compare myself to anyone, but I've seen so many people
Speaker 1: that have done great transformational work in the world, and
Speaker 1: I think the greatest transformational work we can do is
Speaker 1: on ourselves, definitely. And what does that look like like, Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: to take you back, to take you back nineteen years,
Speaker 1: but it's actually really this past October. Second, I just
Speaker 1: celebrated nineteen years of sobriety. That's amazing, yes, And that
Speaker 1: is really kind of That really is where my big
Speaker 1: spiritual journey began. I was introduced to spirituality and personal
Speaker 1: development and meditation as a child though so way before
Speaker 1: I even got clean. And I was a kid, and
Speaker 1: my mom would bring me to ashrums and I would
Speaker 1: named by Gurumai and I was, you know, was sitting
Speaker 1: in meditation with My mother taught to meditate when I
Speaker 1: was twelve, really really taught to meditate. I was given
Speaker 1: a meditation practice as a result of having a lot
Speaker 1: of anxiety. My mom taught me. I would witness my
Speaker 1: mother go into her room with incense and the mantras,
Speaker 1: and I would just feel this really strange sense that
Speaker 1: there was something happening that was magical in that room,
Speaker 1: and she'd come out, and she'd be totally in a
Speaker 1: different space. Yeah, because she would go in crazy and
Speaker 1: come out come Yeah. And I think that the biggest,
Speaker 1: the biggest part of my journey was that I really
Speaker 1: lived a lot of life without knowing a lot of
Speaker 1: who I was or what had happened to me as
Speaker 1: a child. And so by the time I was twenty five,
Speaker 1: I was running my From twenty one to twenty five,
Speaker 1: I was running my own PR business, a nightlife PR business.
Speaker 1: I was totally hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was
Speaker 1: totally addicted to relationships, addicted to work, addicted to being seen,
Speaker 1: just food issues like all of you name it, like
Speaker 1: so multi addicted and how don't that lasso. I think
Speaker 1: I was living with all forms of addiction up to
Speaker 1: that point, but the drugs and the alcohol for me
Speaker 1: thankfully brought me to my knees very quickly. So within
Speaker 1: a two to three year period I was I went
Speaker 1: from lots of drinking and partying to daily cocaine use,
Speaker 1: which is such a gnarly drug that it will bring
Speaker 1: you to your knees. It will it will either kill
Speaker 1: you these days, it'll kill you right on the dot
Speaker 1: because of the fent and all and everything else. And
Speaker 1: so thank god that was what was happening when I
Speaker 1: was using. It was just horrible that it is now.
Speaker 1: But it brought me to my knees fast, and I
Speaker 1: was but right away when I got twenty five, when
Speaker 1: I turned twenty five, was sober. I very quickly started
Speaker 1: to recollect those spiritual imprints that my mother had imprinted
Speaker 1: on me, and I began meditating, and I awakened my
Speaker 1: spiritual practice and started to develop a higher power of
Speaker 1: my own, and I became such an incredible spiritual student.
Speaker 1: Just would soak up everything and anything and reading metaphysical
Speaker 1: texts and nurturing my connection to spirit and started to
Speaker 1: channel and just became very very awakened. And in that
Speaker 1: journey I started to teach very quickly, and so through
Speaker 1: my journey of teaching spiritual personal development tools, I was
Speaker 1: also very much healing myself. And I've been now you know,
Speaker 1: ten books. So I started writing books in two thousand
Speaker 1: and eight. But the big part of my story that
Speaker 1: I think is very reflective of the work that's in
Speaker 1: this tenth book, which is in self Help, my new book.
Speaker 1: The big part of my story was that when I
Speaker 1: was thirty six, I was ten years sober, I'd been
Speaker 1: on Oprah, I'd written probably like six or seven books.
Speaker 1: At this point, I was on stages all over the world.
Speaker 1: I was at this place where you're on the outside
Speaker 1: you'd be like, oh, she's got it together. She's a
Speaker 1: self help author and she's a spiritual teacher. And I
Speaker 1: was cracking. I was falling apart as having a mental breakdown,
Speaker 1: only to have a dream. And in that dream, I
Speaker 1: remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that I had completely
Speaker 1: dissociated from.
Speaker 2: For thirty first time you had memory of it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, although if you, if anyone listening has had the
Speaker 1: memories resurface of Trump trauma memories resurface, they know what
Speaker 1: I'm about to say, which is you don't know, but
Speaker 1: you know, there's always a sense of did something happen
Speaker 1: to me? Or there's fragmented images that you might see,
Speaker 1: or there's and then of course with that knowing or
Speaker 1: not knowing, there's extreme explosive behaviors and patterns and protection
Speaker 1: mechanisms that you build up to protect yourself from that
Speaker 1: impro simple trauma. Yes, and so to give you to
Speaker 1: this moment, the greatest part of my recovery in life
Speaker 1: has been my trauma recovery and a huge element in
Speaker 1: all kinds of somatic and sematic experiencing in EMDR and
Speaker 1: EFT and I have had the privilege of having all
Speaker 1: these great trauma therapies in my life and spiritual support.
Speaker 1: But the greatest device for my healing was a therapy
Speaker 1: called Internal Family Systems Therapy, and IFS is what has
Speaker 1: informed my tenth book Self Help, which is where we
Speaker 1: are today. And that therapy was so healing for me
Speaker 1: that I befriended the founder. He became sort of my buddy,
Speaker 1: my mentor. He guided me as I went and I
Speaker 1: got to the practitioner training with the IFS Institute. I
Speaker 1: was one of the last students to go through it.
Speaker 1: That isn't actually a therapist, so they've stopped teaching it
Speaker 1: to people. They've stopped training people who aren't therapists, which
Speaker 1: I completelyunderstand. They're training in other ways, many other trainings though,
Speaker 1: And so I've got the level two training. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I've got this tool. I can use this in my work,
Speaker 1: not one on one, but I was wanting to use
Speaker 1: it in my lectures and my coaching and in my
Speaker 1: podcast coaching. And then I realized, I got to write
Speaker 1: a book about this. But I have to make it
Speaker 1: self help, because not everyone's going to have the privilege
Speaker 1: of getting an IFS therapist or finding their way to therapy,
Speaker 1: or even having enough willingness to go do that work
Speaker 1: in therapy. So I wrote this, I wrote the book
Speaker 1: self Help.
Speaker 2: Wow, Well, thank you for sharing that, And I'm so
Speaker 2: sorry that you had to go through something like that.
Speaker 1: Don't be sorry, because you want to know why I
Speaker 1: am in the I am the happiest person I know.
Speaker 1: I am in such a great place in my life.
Speaker 1: I am literally so clear, so confident, I have so
Speaker 1: much courage. I feel so great in this life right now,
Speaker 1: in this moment. And if I hadn't lived all the
Speaker 1: life experience that I've had, I wouldn't be right here.
Speaker 2: And that's such a beautiful thing to be able to say.
Speaker 2: And only when someone has truly done the work and healed,
Speaker 2: are you able to truly be able to say something
Speaker 2: like that, especially after having been something so traumatic, when
Speaker 2: you've been younger. Yes, So you mentioned the therapy that
Speaker 2: this is all based around mention it again.
Speaker 1: So it's called internal family Systems therapy. It's also known
Speaker 1: as IFS.
Speaker 2: IFS yes, IFS therapy, And so could you explain a
Speaker 2: little bit around the IFS therapy because the first time
Speaker 2: I heard about it was reading your book.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, great, Yeah, that's my hold that that's the
Speaker 1: first time I had about it because here you are,
Speaker 1: you know, like you and Jay are like this is
Speaker 1: your space, and like this is your first time hearing
Speaker 1: about it. So that's showing me that it's definitely my
Speaker 1: duty to sort of light the fire under this and
Speaker 1: really let people who wouldn't otherwise necessarily find this life
Speaker 1: changing healing. Yeah, it's very in the zeitgeist right now,
Speaker 1: so you're going to be healing hearing about it a
Speaker 1: lot more and more and more. And it's been around
Speaker 1: for forty three years maybe around that roughly, Doctor Richard
Speaker 1: Schwartz was originally a family therapist, and then he started
Speaker 1: working with women who were binging and Beliemeck, and he
Speaker 1: found that these women were talking about these parts of themselves,
Speaker 1: like a part of me wants to harm myself or
Speaker 1: a part of me wants to shut down, and then
Speaker 1: they also started speaking about this other part of themselves,
Speaker 1: that part of me feels a lot of compassion for
Speaker 1: this experience. And so he started to sort of rework it,
Speaker 1: and through his systems, family training, and his intuition and
Speaker 1: I believe higher power, he created a model that has
Speaker 1: this premise that when we're children, we have these extreme experiences.
Speaker 1: Some may be as extreme as mine or even far
Speaker 1: more extreme, right, Or they may just be being bullied
Speaker 1: by the big kid right, or being told you were
Speaker 1: stupid by a teacher, or or all of the above
Speaker 1: little impressions to begin, little impressions, or your dad just
Speaker 1: wasn't around a lot because he was working, or mom
Speaker 1: left dad, or you know, things that sometimes you might
Speaker 1: be like, I had a really great upbringing, but you know,
Speaker 1: they'll be like, but my dad was an alcoholic. You know, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, you don't always like even really equate it
Speaker 1: because you just have normalized it. But the experiences from
Speaker 1: our childhood imprint these wounds, frankly, and those experiences are
Speaker 1: often so extreme that our child brain cannot handle it
Speaker 1: or process it. And it's far too often the majority
Speaker 1: of the time that we don't have an adult parent
Speaker 1: or caregiver who can help us process it.
Speaker 2: Oh, we don't even know to express it, for someone
Speaker 2: to help us throw it.
Speaker 1: Like, we have shame around it, whatever it might be.
Speaker 1: It's too shameful. I mean, I have a six year old, right,
Speaker 1: so I can see that when I I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: how do you feel about the kid in the class
Speaker 1: that wasn't nice? We don't want to talk about mommy.
Speaker 1: It's fine, you know what I mean, he likes me.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: It's just too much shame that it won't even come
Speaker 1: to the surface. So these young parts of us that
Speaker 1: were so traumatized very young became exiled. And that's an
Speaker 1: IFS called the exiles. Okay, So they're like these impermissible,
Speaker 1: huge feelings of terror and fear and shame, and they're
Speaker 1: just we're just deppressed, suppressed, and we subconsciously are like,
Speaker 1: I never want to feel that again. So at a
Speaker 1: very young age, we start to build up these protectors,
Speaker 1: protection mechanisms.
Speaker 2: I loved hearing about this in your book.
Speaker 1: Yes, so the protectors are all the ways that we
Speaker 1: learned how to cope with those horrible feelings as little children. Right.
Speaker 1: So for my son's example, right, he was three years old,
Speaker 1: he went into a class, a Montessori class was three
Speaker 1: year olds and six year olds. There was a six
Speaker 1: year old in the class, and he was obsessed with him.
Speaker 1: He only wanted to be friends with the six year old,
Speaker 1: and the six year old was like, I hate you.
Speaker 1: I want to have nothing to do with you, and
Speaker 1: I you know, kids are mean, right, and also like
Speaker 1: what is the six year old want of people? And
Speaker 1: with a three year old for you know, like they don't.
Speaker 1: It's just he's like, I don't want to be around you.
Speaker 1: And he was bullying him a little bit, but natural
Speaker 1: stuff that happens. But this sent in and press my
Speaker 1: son that said to him, the only way to make
Speaker 1: myself feel good enough and protect myself from that feeling
Speaker 1: is to always be the boss R. And so even
Speaker 1: to this day, three years later, I see in my
Speaker 1: son that he has a protector part that's like, I'm
Speaker 1: the boss. When new people come around, he'll go grab
Speaker 1: his NERF gun and he'll walk around with his NERF gun, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, I would never wanted to give him,
Speaker 1: but eventually you just give it to them because then
Speaker 1: you think they'll get over it. But like or some
Speaker 1: like weapon, they I'll have a sword with him. He
Speaker 1: walks around with it when new people around because he
Speaker 1: needs to be the boss, right And it's this misguided
Speaker 1: believe that I'm not the boss, I don't belong. And
Speaker 1: so that's an example of a moment in time, not
Speaker 1: that big a deal, but it was extreme for him,
Speaker 1: and he didn't have a process that and even with
Speaker 1: mom it was Gabby Bernstein. It was a lot. And
Speaker 1: so we're still processing it, you know. And so it
Speaker 1: told him I'm going to protect myself by being a boss.
Speaker 1: So that was a protector part that was established for
Speaker 1: this little guy. Okay, so imagine the more extreme things
Speaker 1: that have and we build up these protectors. You know,
Speaker 1: we weren't loved as kids. I'm going another protector could
Speaker 1: be I'm going to be a perfectionist, so nobody ever
Speaker 1: has to so I feel good enough, or I'm going
Speaker 1: to control everything because they didn't feel safe at that time.
Speaker 1: High that's me, And so that becomes this way that
Speaker 1: we manage our big, impermissible feelings. And so the good
Speaker 1: news is that, well, let's talk about the tough news. First,
Speaker 1: most of us are living our lives in these protector
Speaker 1: parts were when something gets when that childhood feeling gets triggered,
Speaker 1: we go right into a control We go into you know,
Speaker 1: some kind of trauma response. Right, so it's going to
Speaker 1: be judgment or it's going to be you know, freaking out,
Speaker 1: or ways of protecting, being the boss, whatever it might be.
Speaker 1: Those are called manager protectors, where we're just kind of
Speaker 1: keeping it together. But those managers aren't working. It gets
Speaker 1: to really extreme levels, and those are called the firefighter protectors.
Speaker 1: And that's like drug addiction or love addiction, because the
Speaker 1: pain is so big that we have to put out
Speaker 1: the fire. So internal family, we have an inner family
Speaker 1: of lots of little children inside of us, these locked up,
Speaker 1: little exile, traumatized kids, and these protection mechanisms that are
Speaker 1: literally like little children running our fucking lives.
Speaker 2: You know what this is reminding me of? Did you
Speaker 2: watch the show with Tom Holland.
Speaker 1: What's the show?
Speaker 2: You have to watch it? Do you know what the
Speaker 2: show is called? Tom Holland's it's literally what you are
Speaker 2: saying right now, is that a cartoon? No? No, no,
Speaker 2: it's a really it's like it's a drama. Its specifically
Speaker 2: speaking about basically this where he's and in that they
Speaker 2: say that he's schizophrenic, but really what he has is
Speaker 2: every single thing that's happened to him as he has
Speaker 2: grown up. You realize at the end that he's actually
Speaker 2: created these people, these personalities that he becomes as protective
Speaker 2: mechanisms to the trauma that he's had. So every time
Speaker 2: he's in that situation, this protected person, which eventually you
Speaker 2: see them inside his heart. You see all these little people,
Speaker 2: and each one represents a different pain or trauma that
Speaker 2: he has created. This personality or this person he's speaking to,
Speaker 2: that's protecting him, that's with him, that's his safety blanket
Speaker 2: that he is turning into or speaking as there you go, and.
Speaker 1: I have to guess that it's based on ifs.
Speaker 2: Yes, and from everything you're saying, I'm sure, I'm sure
Speaker 2: the crowded.
Speaker 1: Room, I'm sure it's based on ifs it has to be.
Speaker 1: And it's not like this is an uncommon under awareness,
Speaker 1: but the idea that we're not one mono human, right,
Speaker 1: this is what Dick Schwartz teaches, but that we have
Speaker 1: multiple types of protection mechanisms that are little children inside
Speaker 1: of us. And it's a very non pathologizing way of
Speaker 1: looking at yourself. Right, It's like, I'm not a schizophrenic
Speaker 1: as a lots of parts of me, I'm not a
Speaker 1: drug addict. I just have a protection mechanism that's called
Speaker 1: a drug addict that that puts out the fire with
Speaker 1: the drugs because it's too scary to live in this world.
Speaker 2: And I love that because I do think that nowadays
Speaker 2: everything has just gotten so much much smaller and smaller,
Speaker 2: and minds have just gone smaller and smaller, where you
Speaker 2: just can't believe that someone can be have duality, that
Speaker 2: someone can be both happy as you were but still
Speaker 2: have trauma, that someone can be a self help teacher
Speaker 2: and philosopher. And I've done a lot of work but
Speaker 2: still have a lot of work to do. And I
Speaker 2: think that is that what you're explaining I think would
Speaker 2: help one where if people learned it, even if they
Speaker 2: don't have to use the therapy for me. It makes
Speaker 2: me think, Oh, like my friend who drinks a little
Speaker 2: bit too much, or my friend who has these sudden
Speaker 2: outbursts in this specific way, or my mum or my sister,
Speaker 2: whatever it is, it's making me understand them so much
Speaker 2: more just by you saying that. And I'm looking at
Speaker 2: my life and I'm thinking, oh, wow, when I have this.
Speaker 2: There are some times when to my husband, to J
Speaker 2: I'll be like, I'll have this sudden response that's really
Speaker 2: bigger than it ever needs to be. I'm like, why
Speaker 2: do I respond to him in that way? Because what
Speaker 2: he's saying actually isn't triggering, and what he's saying and
Speaker 2: the way he's saying it isn't triggering at all. But
Speaker 2: the way I've reacted it's way larger than what he
Speaker 2: was saying.
Speaker 1: It's way bigger.
Speaker 2: And the only thing I can think of there is like, oh,
Speaker 2: it's definitely And I've broken some of those down for myself,
Speaker 2: where you know, if I'm if he's even if he's
Speaker 2: trying to help me in some way, my automatic response
Speaker 2: is I can do it myself. I can do it,
Speaker 2: like you don't need to do it for me, I
Speaker 2: can do it myself. And at first for him that
Speaker 2: was like, wait, I'm just trying to help you, like
Speaker 2: I actually love you and I'm trying to help you.
Speaker 2: For me, I interpret it as people didn't think I
Speaker 2: could do anything by myself when I was younger, So
Speaker 2: now I have to show that I can do this
Speaker 2: all by myself. And so I don't want your help.
Speaker 2: I don't want you to promote this. I don't want
Speaker 2: you to do this for me. I want to do
Speaker 2: it by myself and I don't want your help. And
Speaker 2: so that so when you're saying that, that's the first
Speaker 2: thing that came to my mind. I was like, I
Speaker 2: would never understand why I would have that response to
Speaker 2: someone who's just trying to pour love into me, and
Speaker 2: that would be my response. And so I'm like, oh, wow,
Speaker 2: that was my protective mechanism or me trying to suppress
Speaker 2: something that I haven't yet worked through, and that's how
Speaker 2: it's coming out of me.
Speaker 1: Do you want to check in with that part? We
Speaker 1: don't have to go deep deep, we can just have
Speaker 1: a conversation with it. Yesday. So this is the step
Speaker 1: that I've created in the book. Yeah, this is now
Speaker 1: we'll teach it, and it's actually not meant to go
Speaker 1: to the exile. It's not meant to go to like
Speaker 1: like it'll the young memories might come through, but that's
Speaker 1: not what I'm trying to do here. This is an
Speaker 1: IFS informed self help book. And before we go into it,
Speaker 1: I have to really tell you the most important part,
Speaker 1: which is that we have these little children that are
Speaker 1: kind of controlling and running our lives and they're always
Speaker 1: on high alert. But we also have an internal parent.
Speaker 1: We also have an adult resourced, undamaged self with a
Speaker 1: capital S. It self is compassionate. It's eight C qualities. Compassion,
Speaker 1: the energy the essence of compassion, connection, courage, confidence, clarity, creativity,
Speaker 1: calm and connected. Think I said already that.
Speaker 2: Sounds like all the things where in our scriptures it
Speaker 2: talks about our super soul, and it's like the the
Speaker 2: part of us that is as deeply connected to the
Speaker 2: universe to God. So like there's this small spark in
Speaker 2: us that has all of that that embraces it's all loving,
Speaker 2: all kind, all compassionate, and we all have that seated
Speaker 2: in us, but it's just covered up with all the
Speaker 2: layers and layers and layers of material existence.
Speaker 1: And so you just nailed it. Which is there's a
Speaker 1: beautiful quote in the book that I quote one of
Speaker 1: an I F. S teacher and it talks about how
Speaker 1: the sun is self, and.
Speaker 2: I just loved it. Yeah, it's the sun. The self
Speaker 2: is the sun behind the clouds. The sun always the
Speaker 2: Self always exists, but it is just behind the clouds.
Speaker 2: Even though we can't see the sun, we know it's
Speaker 2: always there. Just like the sun. The self isn't something
Speaker 2: we have to find, It's already there. We just have
Speaker 2: to let ourselves be revealed from behind the clouds of
Speaker 2: our protect is. I loved that.
Speaker 1: I have to remember who was at We'll say we'll
Speaker 1: pick it up. I'll pick it up because I want
Speaker 1: to make sure that I give him all the credit.
Speaker 1: But I mean, there it is.
Speaker 2: It is beautiful there. It is so true.
Speaker 1: And his point is, it's the self is the Sun
Speaker 1: behind the clouds. We have access to it at all times.
Speaker 1: It's always there, but we've built up these protection mechanisms
Speaker 1: like a wall that block that presence or the clouds
Speaker 1: that block the light. And so when we do what
Speaker 1: we're about to do together, of course, if you took
Speaker 1: it further and did it in IFS therapy. Particularly starting
Speaker 1: here with the self help check in process, which is
Speaker 1: what I'm calling it, you begin to release that cloud
Speaker 1: and reveal the presence of self. Now this is a
Speaker 1: four step process, but now you understand why the book
Speaker 1: is called self Help. Self be there to help your
Speaker 1: little parts. You have an inner parent. And this right here,
Speaker 1: right now, Roddy, is why I'm so happy. It's everything,
Speaker 1: it's all my sober recovery, it's all kinds of therapy,
Speaker 1: but it's really this practice living in this way, knowing
Speaker 1: that I'm not alone, knowing that I can tend to
Speaker 1: these inner parts of myself in any given moment and
Speaker 1: redirect and reorganize my energy. It's the greatest gift of
Speaker 1: my life.
Speaker 2: And I just love that you've turned into something that
Speaker 2: like I am assuming this four step process is the
Speaker 2: process people have to go through every time they come
Speaker 2: across something like this. But the fact that I can
Speaker 2: do it with you now, but the fact that people
Speaker 2: can do it at home by themselves, that I have
Speaker 2: it as their constant check in process every time they
Speaker 2: feel something like this happened, Like it's just such a
Speaker 2: beautiful thing that you've created for people to have at
Speaker 2: home as a mechanism to cope versus maybe turning to
Speaker 2: something else.
Speaker 1: And a way to befriend every part of who you
Speaker 1: are instead of shaming yourself, blaming yourself, or overriding the
Speaker 1: protection mechanism with another protection mechanism. Right, So it's like
Speaker 1: you might be protected, you know, protector rage and then
Speaker 1: later be in protector judgment of yourself and then being
Speaker 1: protector or addict because you don't like the judgment and
Speaker 1: it's just going from to protect or to protect or
Speaker 1: to protect her living so blended in that way. But
Speaker 1: this practice teases it out in the moment and gives
Speaker 1: you that distance between the trigger and the response, and
Speaker 1: it allows you space to be present with the feeling
Speaker 1: and the experience and be curious about that part of you,
Speaker 1: to give it some space to soften. And the more
Speaker 1: you habitually practice that, the more second nature it becomes,
Speaker 1: the more you learn to rely on that self energy
Speaker 1: inside God.
Speaker 2: I feel like we need it so much now, more
Speaker 2: than ever, because I think we're so used to being
Speaker 2: so stimulated and having such immediate reactions and receiving immediate
Speaker 2: reactions to things that sitting in something is not you know,
Speaker 2: whether it's you writing something on your Instagram story when
Speaker 2: you're angry about something, or whether it's message your friends
Speaker 2: as soon as something happens, or calling someone or there's
Speaker 2: just so many options of how you can how you
Speaker 2: can have a lash out or have your feelings expressed
Speaker 2: in a very extreme way before you've even had time
Speaker 2: to sit and process it. And I think having that moment,
Speaker 2: I think having this practice allows people to have that
Speaker 2: moment by themselves, without anybody else's view, opinion, thoughts being
Speaker 2: shoved into their mind when they're in a vulnerable state
Speaker 2: or when they're in an impressionable state, which is usually
Speaker 2: when we're in those emotions. We are in those states.
Speaker 1: When we're in those emotions, we are in those states,
Speaker 1: and we are blended with the part. Right. So you
Speaker 1: said this beautifully before, which is that we can we
Speaker 1: can speak. We can learn how to speak for these parts,
Speaker 1: not as them. So the next time that that thing
Speaker 1: happens with Jay, we're going to work on it now. YEA,
Speaker 1: the next time that thing happens with Jay, you can say, WHOA,
Speaker 1: I'm noticing I'm feeling that feeling again, and I want
Speaker 1: to just say it and name it. And maybe it's
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. Maybe it is and I
Speaker 1: don't know, let's let me tease it up. But you
Speaker 1: could have that awareness, or you can step away and
Speaker 1: just say I'm gonna go check in the bathroom and
Speaker 1: you guys are going checking it all over the place
Speaker 1: or whatever feels like you need in that moment. Okay,
Speaker 1: So how would you call that protector or was there
Speaker 1: like a way that you would reference it or it's
Speaker 1: sort of I want to do it myself protector.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like the prove yourself like protect yourself. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 2: probably beautiful.
Speaker 1: So this is a beautiful opportunity to Step one choose
Speaker 1: to check in.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: And the reason that Step one is choose to check
Speaker 1: in is because we can't like a little kid, right
Speaker 1: when you have a kid, you're gonna get this. I mean,
Speaker 1: you're gonna call me like how do I do this?
Speaker 1: So my son if I if I see he's agitated
Speaker 1: about something and I'm like, so Allie, like let's talk
Speaker 1: about it. He well, I don't want to. I need
Speaker 1: his buy in. Usually it's like right before bed, always
Speaker 1: like those are the mudget or it's you know, when
Speaker 1: we're in the car driving, and so I need that
Speaker 1: that can't be in the heated moment necessarily the wolves correct,
Speaker 1: So you have there has to be a crack that's
Speaker 1: been opening, and so that choice is going to be
Speaker 1: there when you take that for a step, because you're
Speaker 1: going to be have enough separation or enough awareness, or
Speaker 1: enough desire or enough willingness to witness and say, oh no,
Speaker 1: I just went into that trigger again. Okay, I'm going
Speaker 1: to choose to check in. That's step one, and without
Speaker 1: that buy in, the parts of us will get really agitated,
Speaker 1: kids like children.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Step two is curiosity. So I'll ask the questions to you,
Speaker 1: but really you're asking them to your part myself. Okay,
Speaker 1: So first, just maybe even close your eyes if you
Speaker 1: feel comfortable, and just tune your attention inward. Notice if
Speaker 1: you have access at this moment to that what did
Speaker 1: we say? What did we call it? Again? Prove yourself
Speaker 1: protect your self protector. And as you focus your attention
Speaker 1: a little bit on this, prove your self protector. If
Speaker 1: there's anything physical sensations that you notice, you can speak
Speaker 1: for them. Yeah, but it's suffocating suffocating great, okay, and
Speaker 1: any thoughts, ideas, sensations.
Speaker 2: It definitely feels very childlike, like it's not an adult emotion.
Speaker 2: It's very like immediate and almost like not tantrumy, but
Speaker 2: it feels that way like it will be very it
Speaker 2: will be irrational a little bit. It feels rational, but
Speaker 2: I know in my adult self that it's irrational. Okay.
Speaker 1: If there's any images, thoughts, sensations, anything it wants us
Speaker 1: to know.
Speaker 2: Oh, it definitely takes me. My trigger is definitely school
Speaker 2: and education, Okay, always has been for this emotion.
Speaker 1: Anything else it wants us to know.
Speaker 2: A younger child thing like from like being the younger
Speaker 2: child in my family, having a lot of intelligent cousins
Speaker 2: and sisters around me, and that was definitely a big part.
Speaker 1: But right, okay, Yeah, I think there's are like beautiful,
Speaker 1: really good, really nice, nice druggle Okay. And then the
Speaker 1: third step is to compassionately connect to this part. So
Speaker 1: this is where you might check it. Do you feel
Speaker 1: like you have a connection to it in this moment? Yeah,
Speaker 1: definitely great, So checking in with the part, ask it
Speaker 1: what it needs, let me think, well, let me feel, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: don't think too much what it needs.
Speaker 2: I think it needs me to let go mm hmm, yeah,
Speaker 2: let go of things that are like, aren't relevant anymore.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, beautiful and now if we yeah, beautiful, already
Speaker 1: beautiful and feel that right now with me, don't don't
Speaker 1: override it. Be with me. I'm with you completely, and
Speaker 1: I'm with the part. And notice how you feel in
Speaker 1: this moment this is the four step.
Speaker 2: A bit vulnerable, Yeah, definitely, like an emotion that I
Speaker 2: found difficult to work through.
Speaker 1: Perfect, Perfect? Do you feel? How do you feel towards
Speaker 1: that part of you?
Speaker 2: A bit like it's been around for longer than it should,
Speaker 2: like if it doesn't feel as relevant anymore, but I
Speaker 2: he like it's there's smaller parts of it that I
Speaker 2: hold on to when that's not who I am anymore.
Speaker 1: So can you just try on something with me which
Speaker 1: you just poast your hand on your heart and your
Speaker 1: other hand on your belly and just breathe with me
Speaker 1: for a moment and just real deep breath in and
Speaker 1: out and just give it some presents, give the part
Speaker 1: a little bit of presence and breath. Really, just give
Speaker 1: it some deep breaths. Just breathe with it another moment,
Speaker 1: just let it know that it's totally safe here with
Speaker 1: me and you, and let it know that I'm really
Speaker 1: excited to get to know it, and I'm really happy.
Speaker 1: Let it know anything else that you want it to know. Okay,
Speaker 1: you can just take another deep breath and just let
Speaker 1: it let it know you're here. That's really nice. Thank
Speaker 1: you you did it.
Speaker 2: That was really powerful. That was really really powerful. I
Speaker 2: feel like sometimes even with the smaller emotions, when you
Speaker 2: end up having them. One thing I've realized is with
Speaker 2: even emotions like this, where it may not affect me
Speaker 2: every single day, or it does in smaller ways, but
Speaker 2: even if it doesn't, when you end up addressing it,
Speaker 2: you automatically feel like even something small because you've suppressed
Speaker 2: it constantly or haven't worked through it fully, it feels
Speaker 2: really big in the moment. So when you're like addressing it,
Speaker 2: what you said at the beginning, like you have to
Speaker 2: choose to buy into it. At first, I was like,
Speaker 2: I really don't want to do it. Like in my mind,
Speaker 2: I honestly was like, oh God, and know I'm gonna cry.
Speaker 2: I know this is what's going to I know what
Speaker 2: my emotions are going to get heightened, because that's how
Speaker 2: I feel in the moment when someone's asking me questions
Speaker 2: or it's getting triggered. But it's definitely a process of
Speaker 2: like getting extremely vulnerable with yourself where you don't like
Speaker 2: to go like that's the it was really uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: First of all, you're very good at these steps because
Speaker 1: you have such strong awareness already. Right, You've done a
Speaker 1: tremendous manner work on yourself. You know yourself, right. But
Speaker 1: what I think is so beautiful is that the way
Speaker 1: that you just defined exactly what I think most people's
Speaker 1: protector is is the fear of that vulnerability. How do
Speaker 1: you feel about the How do you feel right now now?
Speaker 2: I feel definitely relieved because I've let the emotion flow.
Speaker 2: If I hadn't, I would have probably cried throughout the
Speaker 2: episode in some way because it would have built up
Speaker 2: or pen up in me. But also that it's an
Speaker 2: easier process than I thought to work through it in
Speaker 2: that moment versus having an irrational response to something like
Speaker 2: this feels a lot clearer and cleaner, Like my mind
Speaker 2: feels clearer.
Speaker 1: So clarity is one of the c qualities itself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so you let self help.
Speaker 2: Amazing.
Speaker 1: That was a really so imagine a world where when
Speaker 1: you have those moments or that awareness, whether it's in
Speaker 1: the moment or it's three days later, it does not
Speaker 1: matter that you're had a part that's present and it
Speaker 1: needs some attention, and you just choose to check in
Speaker 1: step one, become curious, Step two compassionately connect by asking
Speaker 1: what do you need? Step three and step four check
Speaker 1: for c's, check for those c qualities. So what I
Speaker 1: did it with you? But I was like, and then
Speaker 1: you got into the place where you said, I feel clear, Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's your quality. That is your sign that self energy
Speaker 1: has come through, and it's a sign. And so these steps,
Speaker 1: this is not IFS. IFS is very different. This is
Speaker 1: IFS informed. Okay, i FS is going to take you
Speaker 1: on a very different journey because you have a therapist
Speaker 1: with you, holding you. This is a much This is
Speaker 1: a very safe and contained Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS,
Speaker 1: very approved model for doing this for yourself right. And
Speaker 1: the beauty of it is that you can befriend that
Speaker 1: part of yourself. You can begin to establish relationship with
Speaker 1: that part of yourself so that she doesn't have to
Speaker 1: run the show she doesn't have to flow about and
Speaker 1: instead she can feel seen because what she wants to
Speaker 1: feel seen. But who does she need to feel seen by? Yeah? Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: so true And as soon as she feels that truthful,
Speaker 1: be this will change your life. This will change change
Speaker 1: everything about your life.
Speaker 2: It's also like the heaviness of you think that then
Speaker 2: even if they feel like smaller things and to the
Speaker 2: grand scale of what people can go through, what my
Speaker 2: emotion is is somewhat small. But what I've realized is
Speaker 2: that these little small things that you carry, like you
Speaker 2: pick them up along the way, and if you're not
Speaker 2: letting them go as you got to, like, you feel
Speaker 2: so heavy. And it's not a physical heavy, it's like
Speaker 2: you have heavy, heavy emotional emotions. It's like a heaviness
Speaker 2: that you feel in your heart every time it's happening.
Speaker 2: So even this release that I just had with you
Speaker 2: for me, I'm like, had I not done that now,
Speaker 2: it would have kept building and building and building, and
Speaker 2: then the release would have felt so much more dramatic. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And I just think that that it's because we we
Speaker 2: pent up these emotions over and over again, and these
Speaker 2: traumas that you're talking about over and over again, and
Speaker 2: without releasing one, all you're doing is adding to the
Speaker 2: weight of it all over and over again.
Speaker 1: Think about how little kids manage their feelings. Right, they tantrum,
Speaker 1: they they or if they shut down, right, they hide,
Speaker 1: or they you know, let it all out, it burst.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: That's how we that's how we are. We are running.
Speaker 1: It does not shoulder your adulthood, and it's not. It
Speaker 1: really doesn't, because we get stuck in time and we
Speaker 1: become stuck in that pattern and that behavior and that
Speaker 1: behaviors and these protection mechanisms because the only way we
Speaker 1: can feel safe. So it's shifted your energy here right now,
Speaker 1: you're in clarity. We can be more connected, you can
Speaker 1: feel more calm later. So that self energy that you
Speaker 1: established in this moment can carry you. Also gives you
Speaker 1: this spiritual proof that there is help inside.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 1: That's the power and that's confidence.
Speaker 2: Like I always think about that every time I work
Speaker 2: through different parts of me, it increases the love and
Speaker 2: confidence that I feel, and then that spreads into different
Speaker 2: parts of my life, and then that spreads into my relationships,
Speaker 2: and then that spreads into the other people I interact with.
Speaker 2: On the street. It's like, it's such a knock on
Speaker 2: effect of what you just said. As soon as you
Speaker 2: feel you can help yourself and someone else isn't doing
Speaker 2: it for you, and someone else isn't the savior in
Speaker 2: your life. Whatever it is that you can do it
Speaker 2: for yourself, it's just a completely different experience.
Speaker 1: You nailed it, Yeah, because confidence is a sea equality.
Speaker 1: So when you start to let these qualities of confidence, courage, curiosity, right, clarity, yeah, creativity,
Speaker 1: when we let these sea qualities start to come forward,
Speaker 1: they have a massive ripple effect because when you start
Speaker 1: to develop that self energy, it starts to get really
Speaker 1: big in your life. And so you walk in the
Speaker 1: door and people are like, I don't know why that
Speaker 1: girl makes me feel really good? Yeah, and you have
Speaker 1: the energy, by the way, but you know, thank you
Speaker 1: very much, and it's the self help work. It's period
Speaker 1: end of story, right, because it can feel I mean,
Speaker 1: if you'd met me five years ago and Jay's known
Speaker 1: me for you know, eleven twelve years, like a really
Speaker 1: long time, and when he knew me, then he knows
Speaker 1: a different woman.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: Jay and Lewis are like my brothers because they knew
Speaker 1: me at a time when I was had a lot
Speaker 1: of self like qualities, but it was it was intermittent, right,
Speaker 1: and it wasn't And I had a lot of purpose
Speaker 1: and had a lot of love in my heart, but
Speaker 1: I wasn't. It wasn't integrated. Yeah, and that's just because
Speaker 1: I was on the path and I'm still on the path.
Speaker 1: I did self help check in last night, and I
Speaker 1: totally changed my life around, completely changed my day around.
Speaker 1: I had the most The other thing is is, you
Speaker 1: know people want to talk about manifesting, like, if you
Speaker 1: want to manifest, do self help, honey.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: It's like when you heal here, that confident energy, that
Speaker 1: courageous energy, that compassionate energy, that calm present is what
Speaker 1: makes you a super attractor.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: And that you know.
Speaker 2: I've been talking to my team actually about the manifesting
Speaker 2: stuff because I was saying to them that you have
Speaker 2: to be so careful and you know, on to what
Speaker 2: you were saying about doing the self help. When you're
Speaker 2: trying to manifest and you're you don't have clarity in
Speaker 2: what you actually want, you will manifest something you do
Speaker 2: not want in your life. And so I was talking
Speaker 2: about this to do with things that I'm you know,
Speaker 2: been been dipping my feet in with work. And yesterday
Speaker 2: I said to one of the girls, I was like, fundamentally,
Speaker 2: it is not making me feel happy, like it is
Speaker 2: not I thought I wanted it. And the funny thing is,
Speaker 2: last year I was talking about it so much I
Speaker 2: was I was putting it, putting the words into my
Speaker 2: life of this is what I want to happen next year,
Speaker 2: And funnily enough, a year later, it happened.
Speaker 1: That's that thing.
Speaker 2: Happened, and I'm in it, and I could keep dipping
Speaker 2: my feet in it, and I was like, it is
Speaker 2: not it's happened. But actually I was not in a
Speaker 2: clear place last year when I started deciding I wanted
Speaker 2: to do this. So it's happened, but it's actually not
Speaker 2: something I want. And now I've realized it's not what
Speaker 2: I want because the more I'm dipping my feet in it,
Speaker 2: the more I realize how unhappy it's making me. And
Speaker 2: so it's so interesting because because I didn't have the
Speaker 2: clarity then what I manifested in my life, whether it's
Speaker 2: in by the way, this is the case in relationships,
Speaker 2: in work, in your personal life, in everything if you
Speaker 2: are not in clarity when you start to decide what
Speaker 2: you want in your life, you will end up manifesting
Speaker 2: something and realizing, actually, my dream has come true, but
Speaker 2: it wasn't really the dream I wanted. And it's been
Speaker 2: a really this week has been a big reflective week
Speaker 2: for and I've been like, wow, I just that is
Speaker 2: not who I want, what I want to be known for,
Speaker 2: That's not who I want to be. And I'm going
Speaker 2: to have to take my toes out of that water.
Speaker 1: It tows out because but there's clarity right there. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's clarity right there. Oh you know, that's actually not
Speaker 1: what I want anymore. Yeah, that's cool right. And And
Speaker 1: the thing is is that we're just living in this
Speaker 1: life where we're unlearning fear and remembering the love of
Speaker 1: who we.
Speaker 2: Are, unlearning fear and remembering the love of who we are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's this is our classroom, right, These these moments
Speaker 1: of wreckage are our assignments. We have a choice in
Speaker 1: this lifetime. Are we going to show up for them
Speaker 1: or we're going to play small? Are we going to
Speaker 1: stay stuck? Are we going to feel the burdens of
Speaker 1: these parts of us and the beautiful thing that happens
Speaker 1: is that when you start to befriend these parts of
Speaker 1: yourself and you start to have this kind of relief
Speaker 1: and you start to feel self presence come through the
Speaker 1: parts of you don't have to go away, right, Like
Speaker 1: my controlling part gets a lot done. Yeah, yeah, for
Speaker 1: for a lot of time, even in her darkest moments,
Speaker 1: she did a lot of good work. You know, she
Speaker 1: wrote ten books in fourteen years. Right, She's served a
Speaker 1: lot of And so you can still be going through
Speaker 1: really difficult times and do really good things. And that's
Speaker 1: really important because not everybody's going to be feeling the
Speaker 1: freedom I'm feeling in this moment in a week. But
Speaker 1: you can feel that freedom and that light can enter in,
Speaker 1: and that light can enter in, and that light can
Speaker 1: enter in, and it really adds up and you can
Speaker 1: doing beautiful things in your life even when you're going
Speaker 1: through tough stuff.
Speaker 2: How do you This is the kind of off topic question,
Speaker 2: but it just came to mind. How did you go
Speaker 2: through all of those things while you were also helping
Speaker 2: other people and not feel like you, like, aren't being
Speaker 2: truthful to them? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Like, because I was always telling the truth because whatever
Speaker 1: stage I was at in my teaching was where I
Speaker 1: was at in my learning. Yeah, yes, okay, So at
Speaker 1: the time when I was most you know, when I
Speaker 1: didn't remember the trauma, but I was just looking for
Speaker 1: answers and I was finding it through metaphysics, that's what
Speaker 1: I was teaching. I was finding my safety through specific yoga,
Speaker 1: That's what I was teaching. Yeah, I was finding you
Speaker 1: know when I in these in these through breath work,
Speaker 1: and that's what I was teaching. And every book I
Speaker 1: have shows you. This shows you the journey. All ten
Speaker 1: books show you fourteen years of spiritual recovery because each
Speaker 1: level is the level that I was at. And I
Speaker 1: always write my books for myself first. Yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: such good advice. I always fine.
Speaker 2: I think there's a difference between how you feel and
Speaker 2: always the perception of other people and then well how
Speaker 2: they view as and you can't change that. Like I
Speaker 2: can keep saying I'm a beginner in this, but if
Speaker 2: you see me as an expert, I can't change. I
Speaker 2: can keep telling someone I'm a beginner, but I think
Speaker 2: it's really difficult when the perception is for example, if
Speaker 2: you meditate, if you're someone who meditates, no one expects
Speaker 2: you to have road rage. Let's just give that as
Speaker 2: an example. It's like, if you are showing that you meditate,
Speaker 2: no one expects you to send a voice note back
Speaker 2: to someone who's just been rude to you and schooling
Speaker 2: them on that. You know, what I'm trying to say
Speaker 2: is there's a perception that people can have of you,
Speaker 2: no matter how much you share where you're at, if
Speaker 2: they want to perceive you in a certain way, you
Speaker 2: can't control that. It's just the narrative.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think if you're telling the truth and you're
Speaker 1: that's all you have to that's all that matters. And
Speaker 1: other people are always going to put pretenses and projections
Speaker 1: onto you. They're gonna they're going to idolize you, They're
Speaker 1: going to shame you. It's just the nature of the
Speaker 1: world that we live in. But the realities if you're
Speaker 1: good with you, yeah, straight on your side, the street
Speaker 1: is clean, whatever. Yeah.
Speaker 2: What do you think is the biggest of the biggest
Speaker 2: hurdles you mentioned, you know, changing passions? What do you
Speaker 2: think are the biggest hurdles that people have to actually
Speaker 2: one make change and then be able to sustain the
Speaker 2: change of passions, beautiful.
Speaker 1: Question, Well, making the change. I think the biggest hurdle
Speaker 1: is the absolute terror of facing into these exiles right
Speaker 1: or even slightly textrating into recognizing that there's a protection mechanism,
Speaker 1: which is why in the book, I don't want to
Speaker 1: work with these firefighter addicts or any of the exiles.
Speaker 1: I just want to work with the managers, right, Like
Speaker 1: I want to work with the parts of you that are,
Speaker 1: you know, controlling your life in that moment. I want
Speaker 1: to work with the parts of you that are a perfectionist. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want. I want you to start to get to
Speaker 1: know the day to day protection mechanisms so that you
Speaker 1: can just soften them a touch, and then if you
Speaker 1: start to feel some relief, you might be like, hmm,
Speaker 1: this is kind of working. Let me go where Gabby
Speaker 1: told me to go to the IFS Institute and find
Speaker 1: a therapist, or or I go find that coach that's
Speaker 1: going to help me, whatever that might be. But you
Speaker 1: start with yourself, you start being your own inner healer,
Speaker 1: and then you can know what the next right actions that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I completely agree, and I feel like with the
Speaker 2: different parts of you know, I think one of the
Speaker 2: reasons that people end up not being able to stick
Speaker 2: to patterns or change. Is that feeling of not thinking
Speaker 2: you even.
Speaker 1: Can, Like, yes, you know, this is why it's so
Speaker 1: exciting right now, right you just showed them that you can.
Speaker 1: So there's a four step practice that you just got
Speaker 1: relief from. You gave everyone watching spiritual proof that there's
Speaker 1: a four step practice that can give you relief in
Speaker 1: the moment, and so that in itself is healing. That
Speaker 1: proof is healing. This isn't just we're not just talking
Speaker 1: around an idea. We're not just like, hey, here's the
Speaker 1: new trick that you can try, or this is the
Speaker 1: new thing that somebody suggested. You showed them that relief
Speaker 1: is on the other side of this four steps And
Speaker 1: if you want a little bit of relief every day,
Speaker 1: four step check in. And in the book there's ways
Speaker 1: I said, you know, journaling check ins, I have prayer
Speaker 1: based check ins, I have meditative check ins. Every chapter
Speaker 1: has a check in. And there's also a chapter called
Speaker 1: Anxious Parts, all dedicated to the anxiety as a protector.
Speaker 1: Body Parts is another chapter, how our somatic, our physical
Speaker 1: experience is a protector.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: The work of doctor John sarnaw how our back pain
Speaker 1: is protecting our impermissible rage.
Speaker 2: But don't you think it takes like a whole lot,
Speaker 2: Like I think the first step to wanting to change
Speaker 2: is you need a small amount of well either it's
Speaker 2: rock bottom or it's you need a small amount of
Speaker 2: at least of self love or love for yourself to
Speaker 2: want to change, because you have to want to be
Speaker 2: a better person or you have to love the future
Speaker 2: version of yourself to be able to want to take
Speaker 2: steps towards change. So for someone who feels like they
Speaker 2: really are struggling with their worth with with love for themselves, like,
Speaker 2: what are the first steps that people should start taking
Speaker 2: to really create that feeling of like worth in themselves.
Speaker 1: Well, the thing is this, the work only works if
Speaker 1: you want to do the work, and you don't need
Speaker 1: a lot of willingness, but you need a slight willingness. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: you need a little mustard seed of willingness because that
Speaker 1: mustard's willingness will be like hmmm, let me go listen
Speaker 1: to that podcast with Gabby and Riddy, right, or hmm,
Speaker 1: maybe I'll pick up that book called self help, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: But the nice thing about this book in particular is
Speaker 1: like it says what it is on the chin, you're
Speaker 1: either in or you're out. And so I know that
Speaker 1: anyone that's picked this book up opened the first page,
Speaker 1: whether it was given to them or they purchased it themselves,
Speaker 1: if they opened that page, then they're willing because it's
Speaker 1: telling you point blank what this is. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're choosing to self help.
Speaker 1: You're opening a self help book. It says, called self help.
Speaker 1: And I think that, Look, not everybody's going to get
Speaker 1: there in this lifetime. But if anyone who is here
Speaker 1: right now watching and listening to us, they're here. They
Speaker 1: wouldn't be listening if they weren't here. Yeah, So congratulations people, Yeah,
Speaker 1: well done.
Speaker 2: You showed up What was some of your protectors or
Speaker 2: that were coming up for you, like the ways that
Speaker 2: it showed up for you in your life.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I've named them, Yeah, very intimate with them.
Speaker 1: There was the cocaine addict. There was the and I
Speaker 1: say it was because she's been clean and sober, but
Speaker 1: I still recognize as a as a recovering cocaine addict.
Speaker 1: There's the controller who now is not in her extreme role,
Speaker 1: but she's still around because you know what, I got
Speaker 1: lots of good things happening, and I got to keep
Speaker 1: control over all of these balls in the air.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So she's doing it, and she's like calling her assistant
Speaker 1: and she's like, I love you. Can you do me
Speaker 1: a favor and just make like five phone calls so
Speaker 1: we can move that flight so I can be there
Speaker 1: at this time. And she's thinking and getting shit done.
Speaker 1: She's getting herself on the plane, and she's getting herself
Speaker 1: home to make the dinner, and she's got a little
Speaker 1: bit of control. And it's good.
Speaker 2: Actually, Yeah, I like how you're sharing what it was
Speaker 2: and now how it's still there but it's not burdened.
Speaker 1: Yes, these parts flourish when they're in there, when they're
Speaker 1: no longer burdened. Yes, these parts of us become their
Speaker 1: greatest assets. I've read one of them was your wlkoholic workaholic.
Speaker 1: She does not she she doesn't exist. She just thrives
Speaker 1: because she loves her work. So she can be here
Speaker 1: with you and then fly home tomorrow and then maybe
Speaker 1: on the plane write a little bit of the next
Speaker 1: book that she's working on. But she's not a work ahole.
Speaker 1: She's not harming herself she's in a flow, she's asking
Speaker 1: for help. The biggest one for me that I still
Speaker 1: work with today is the part of me that has
Speaker 1: a belief that if I don't do it, nobody else
Speaker 1: will yes. And that's the little girl right who lived
Speaker 1: in a world where she couldn't control anything, where she
Speaker 1: had so much fear and rage and she and she'd
Speaker 1: no caregiver that was making her feel safe, and so
Speaker 1: she just had to take care of herself. And so
Speaker 1: that belief is something I've been working with tremendously. I've
Speaker 1: been even two nights ago, just like checking in with her,
Speaker 1: listening to her. And the more I work with her,
Speaker 1: the more I can let other people help. The more
Speaker 1: I can let my husband, who I work with as well,
Speaker 1: I can let him just take the lead. I can
Speaker 1: just see a vision of a future where I don't
Speaker 1: have my hand in certain things. I sat with one
Speaker 1: of my employees this morning and he flew in from
Speaker 1: San Francisco, and I looked at him and I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to give all this to you, because
Speaker 1: my vision is that you can just play with all
Speaker 1: this and I can stem step away. These are huge things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's run the show for a long time.
Speaker 2: She's run the show for a long time. I feel
Speaker 2: like with in New Year, people end up sticking, like
Speaker 2: they end up committing to a lot of new goals
Speaker 2: and new patterns and trying to keep them consistent. How
Speaker 2: does someone who and I think what happens is usually
Speaker 2: even my gym trainers tell me this. They're like, it's
Speaker 2: so busy at the beginning of January and then suddenly
Speaker 2: it quietens down and is just the regulars. How does
Speaker 2: someone stop? Because I noticed for myself when I stick,
Speaker 2: when I start committing to a pattern or a new
Speaker 2: habit and then I somehow end up having a break
Speaker 2: in it, or I don't end up committing to it
Speaker 2: that day. You go into like this spiral, which is
Speaker 2: like a shame spiral that stops you then from going
Speaker 2: back to that pattern because you're like, oh, okay, well
Speaker 2: I didn't do it for the last three days. Do
Speaker 2: I even deserve to go back to it? Do you
Speaker 2: know that I'm out with dueling right now and I'm
Speaker 2: getting so shamed? Duo is like Shito is like, where
Speaker 2: the fuck are you? I did?
Speaker 1: I did thirty three hundred days of duo and then
Speaker 1: I fell off a day and then now it's like
Speaker 1: every two days. Now you feel like me back down
Speaker 1: to this like low level where it's like, oh, lamas
Speaker 1: ass and I'm like, what like I am I, and
Speaker 1: it's it's messing with my brain. So yes, and I
Speaker 1: think that the real message here is that I believe
Speaker 1: in small shifts for big change. And so if you
Speaker 1: can make the commitment to do one check in a
Speaker 1: day for two minutes, right or read a page a day,
Speaker 1: if that'd be my work, whatever work it is that
Speaker 1: you like to do, you know, if it's five pages
Speaker 1: of journaling a day, if it's just listening to your
Speaker 1: Jay on the podcast right like these are, there's a
Speaker 1: spiritual transmission. If you miss a day indications, just jump
Speaker 1: right back in, just jump right it back in.
Speaker 2: It's weird that we shame ourselves and that we literally
Speaker 2: it's it's it's hard because your mind is shaming you
Speaker 2: for not doing it, but then it's also stopping you
Speaker 2: from doing it in the next few days or the
Speaker 2: week after, all the month after, so you almost jeopardize
Speaker 2: it's self sabotage in one way because you're telling yourself
Speaker 2: you didn't do it today. But that means you shouldn't
Speaker 2: do it tomorrow or the next day or the next day.
Speaker 1: It's also remember it's a protector. So when we get
Speaker 1: into that pattern of just some of it, some of
Speaker 1: its protector and some of it's just sort of well,
Speaker 1: protectors are habits, right. Protectors are habitual behaviors, and so
Speaker 1: to undo the habitual behavior of the rage or undo
Speaker 1: the control, it is about doing something different, right, And
Speaker 1: I think that if someone just hears me say, it's
Speaker 1: never too late to start again, period and do one
Speaker 1: minute a day, one small thing a day.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I have my Gabby Coaching app. It's a membership app,
Speaker 1: and it's the first thing you do is pull a card.
Speaker 1: You pull an affirmation card. We'll pull on for you today.
Speaker 1: The second thing you do is you land on the
Speaker 1: home screen and it's two minute practice.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Now, there's long meditations in there. There's ten, you know,
Speaker 1: thirteen fifteen minute sessions to our talks. But it's all
Speaker 1: I'm asking is to pull an affirmation into it and
Speaker 1: listen to a two minute practice. That's it, and that's enough.
Speaker 1: And that simplicity, I think, is where people are at.
Speaker 1: It's what people need and then you're like, Okay, well
Speaker 1: I fell off, but I can just do two minutes, right.
Speaker 2: What do you Is there anything else from the book
Speaker 2: that you feel like people would really benefit from hammering
Speaker 2: now or do they just really have to go read
Speaker 2: it and through the whole thing.
Speaker 1: Well they do. Here's the thing. If they're still listening
Speaker 1: and they're still here, then I think that's a sign.
Speaker 1: The subtitle of this book is this is your Chance
Speaker 1: to change your life I have. This is my tenth book.
Speaker 1: I have been on the front lines of personal growth
Speaker 1: and spiritual development for nineteen years. I have moved through addiction,
Speaker 1: I've moved through repressed trauma, I've moved through extreme trauma
Speaker 1: with birthing, and I carried a child for almost six months.
Speaker 1: I released that child. I've lived life. I've had my traumas.
Speaker 1: And the reason I have had the resilience and the
Speaker 1: joy that I can live in now and the faith
Speaker 1: no matter what, is because I've worked my spiritual and
Speaker 1: personal development like a muscle. I built the muscle every
Speaker 1: single day, every single day. And so if someone's looking
Speaker 1: at you and me and they're like, I want what
Speaker 1: they have, or I want that feeling, or I want
Speaker 1: to just feel from freedom or relief, then here's an answer.
Speaker 1: Here's the solution. If I'm resonating, if it's resonating, or
Speaker 1: whether it's again, I always say, like, whether it's my
Speaker 1: book or anyone else, just take that first step. Just
Speaker 1: just just press order or open the page. Take the
Speaker 1: first step.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. This was honestly such a phenomenal episode,
Speaker 2: and this conversation was so useful for me, and I
Speaker 2: can't even imagine how many other people it's going to help.
Speaker 2: So thank you.
Speaker 1: Dial and we can just check.
Speaker 2: So excited you're going to block my number. I'm really
Speaker 2: looking forward to.
Speaker 1: I actually came over here today and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: think we're going to become really good friends. Like I
Speaker 1: had that sense, I feel like that, why not, right?
Speaker 1: But it happens when we go deep like this.
Speaker 2: You look forward to dive deeper into the book. And
Speaker 2: thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I love you all. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Speaker 2: M m hmmmmmm.