WEBVTT - Gabby Bernstein : Self Help This Is Your Chance to Change Your Life 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:01.680 From twenty one to twenty five, I was running my 0:00:01.760 --> 0:00:06.640 own PR business, a nightlife PR business. I was totally 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:09.959 hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was totally addicted to relationships, 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:14.000 addicted to work, addicted to being seen, just food issues, 0:00:14.280 --> 0:00:15.440 so multi addicted. 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:18.760 Gabby Ben Seen everyone is on her tenth book. You're 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:22.119 a spiritual leader to so many people. You've helped so 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.160 many people make it through different parts of their journeys 0:00:25.160 --> 0:00:25.880 in their life. 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:28.600 I was cracking, I was falling apart. I was having 0:00:28.600 --> 0:00:32.279 a mental breakdown only to have a dream, and in 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:37.000 that dream, I remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:40.639 I had completely dissociated from first. 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:42.720 The first time you had a memory of it. 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:46.479 Yeah, these moments of wreckage are our assignments. We have 0:00:46.560 --> 0:00:48.320 a choice in this lifetime. Are we going to show 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:50.919 up for them or we're going to play small? Can 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:52.680 you just try on something with me? Would you just 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:55.040 place your hand on your heart and your other hand 0:00:55.080 --> 0:01:00.120 on your belly. That's really nice? Thank you. 0:01:03.000 --> 0:01:06.120 I'm rather Dabukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:10.000 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:14.160 for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:17.600 to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:20.880 Thank you so much for being on the podcast. I 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:24.360 am just obsessed with you and been such a big fan. 0:01:24.840 --> 0:01:26.440 And I know I came on your podcast and you 0:01:26.480 --> 0:01:30.240 were just the most incredible host. But I can't believe 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:33.800 you're on your tenth book? Are you joking? Gaby Bernstein? 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:38.000 Everyone is on her tenth book, and you're so many 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:40.720 things like I feel like you're a spiritual leader to 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:43.679 so many people. You've helped so many people make it 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:46.959 through different parts of their journeys in their life. And 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:49.480 I just think that the work that you've done, I 0:01:49.480 --> 0:01:51.880 think there's only certain types of people that can do that, 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:54.400 is people who've really done the work themselves. And I 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:57.400 think that's what's so beautiful about your book is I 0:01:57.440 --> 0:02:00.720 can really read and I can feel the work that 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:03.360 you've done to be able to speak on a topic 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:06.840 like that. And so I know we've known each other 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:08.040 for a while, but I want to take it back 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:11.480 because I realized I don't actually know how you started, Like, oh, 0:02:12.200 --> 0:02:12.799 all of it. 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:15.800 Go back, because I need to know, Okay, Roddie, I 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:17.880 first of all, I want to just say to you 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:20.960 that to reflect back to me that when you're reading 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:23.600 the book, you feel the work is really meaningful to me, 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:26.639 Because if we're going to go backwards, all I can 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:29.520 say is that for the last nineteen years, I have 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:33.720 been deeply devoted to the inner work more than anyone 0:02:33.720 --> 0:02:36.720 I know, more than anyone I know, more than some 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:39.080 of the greatest spiritual teachers I've ever had. Not to 0:02:39.080 --> 0:02:42.120 compare myself to anyone, but I've seen so many people 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:45.080 that have done great transformational work in the world, and 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:48.160 I think the greatest transformational work we can do is 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:51.520 on ourselves, definitely. And what does that look like like, Well, yeah, 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:53.959 to take you back, to take you back nineteen years, 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:57.240 but it's actually really this past October. Second, I just 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:01.720 celebrated nineteen years of sobriety. That's amazing, yes, And that 0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:06.560 is really kind of That really is where my big 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:12.360 spiritual journey began. I was introduced to spirituality and personal 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:15.480 development and meditation as a child though so way before 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:18.040 I even got clean. And I was a kid, and 0:03:18.080 --> 0:03:20.200 my mom would bring me to ashrums and I would 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:24.239 named by Gurumai and I was, you know, was sitting 0:03:24.240 --> 0:03:27.480 in meditation with My mother taught to meditate when I 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:31.200 was twelve, really really taught to meditate. I was given 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.080 a meditation practice as a result of having a lot 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:36.520 of anxiety. My mom taught me. I would witness my 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.080 mother go into her room with incense and the mantras, 0:03:39.120 --> 0:03:42.520 and I would just feel this really strange sense that 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:45.280 there was something happening that was magical in that room, 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:47.600 and she'd come out, and she'd be totally in a 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:50.280 different space. Yeah, because she would go in crazy and 0:03:50.320 --> 0:03:54.400 come out come Yeah. And I think that the biggest, 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:57.840 the biggest part of my journey was that I really 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:00.280 lived a lot of life without knowing a lot of 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:02.160 who I was or what had happened to me as 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:05.080 a child. And so by the time I was twenty five, 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:07.640 I was running my From twenty one to twenty five, 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:11.520 I was running my own PR business, a nightlife PR business. 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:14.840 I was totally hooked on drugs and alcohol. I was 0:04:14.960 --> 0:04:18.560 totally addicted to relationships, addicted to work, addicted to being seen, 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.040 just food issues like all of you name it, like 0:04:22.680 --> 0:04:25.520 so multi addicted and how don't that lasso. I think 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:27.680 I was living with all forms of addiction up to 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:30.880 that point, but the drugs and the alcohol for me 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:34.159 thankfully brought me to my knees very quickly. So within 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.680 a two to three year period I was I went 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:39.880 from lots of drinking and partying to daily cocaine use, 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:42.920 which is such a gnarly drug that it will bring 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.240 you to your knees. It will it will either kill 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:47.160 you these days, it'll kill you right on the dot 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:48.960 because of the fent and all and everything else. And 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:50.480 so thank god that was what was happening when I 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:52.960 was using. It was just horrible that it is now. 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:57.040 But it brought me to my knees fast, and I 0:04:57.080 --> 0:04:59.360 was but right away when I got twenty five, when 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:03.640 I turned twenty five, was sober. I very quickly started 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:08.120 to recollect those spiritual imprints that my mother had imprinted 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:11.680 on me, and I began meditating, and I awakened my 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:14.359 spiritual practice and started to develop a higher power of 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:18.320 my own, and I became such an incredible spiritual student. 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:21.760 Just would soak up everything and anything and reading metaphysical 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:25.440 texts and nurturing my connection to spirit and started to 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:29.240 channel and just became very very awakened. And in that 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:32.200 journey I started to teach very quickly, and so through 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:36.640 my journey of teaching spiritual personal development tools, I was 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:40.280 also very much healing myself. And I've been now you know, 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:42.279 ten books. So I started writing books in two thousand 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:46.080 and eight. But the big part of my story that 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:49.400 I think is very reflective of the work that's in 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:51.720 this tenth book, which is in self Help, my new book. 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:54.159 The big part of my story was that when I 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:57.600 was thirty six, I was ten years sober, I'd been 0:05:57.600 --> 0:06:00.360 on Oprah, I'd written probably like six or seven books. 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.240 At this point, I was on stages all over the world. 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:05.520 I was at this place where you're on the outside 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:07.039 you'd be like, oh, she's got it together. She's a 0:06:07.080 --> 0:06:09.960 self help author and she's a spiritual teacher. And I 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:13.600 was cracking. I was falling apart as having a mental breakdown, 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:18.040 only to have a dream. And in that dream, I 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:23.000 remembered sexual abuse from my childhood that I had completely 0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:24.560 dissociated from. 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:27.120 For thirty first time you had memory of it. 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:30.599 Yeah, although if you, if anyone listening has had the 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:34.040 memories resurface of Trump trauma memories resurface, they know what 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:37.120 I'm about to say, which is you don't know, but 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:41.599 you know, there's always a sense of did something happen 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:45.400 to me? Or there's fragmented images that you might see, 0:06:45.440 --> 0:06:49.320 or there's and then of course with that knowing or 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:54.880 not knowing, there's extreme explosive behaviors and patterns and protection 0:06:55.000 --> 0:06:59.599 mechanisms that you build up to protect yourself from that 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:03.560 impro simple trauma. Yes, and so to give you to 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:07.479 this moment, the greatest part of my recovery in life 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:11.320 has been my trauma recovery and a huge element in 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:15.560 all kinds of somatic and sematic experiencing in EMDR and 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:18.520 EFT and I have had the privilege of having all 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:22.560 these great trauma therapies in my life and spiritual support. 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:27.080 But the greatest device for my healing was a therapy 0:07:27.120 --> 0:07:32.240 called Internal Family Systems Therapy, and IFS is what has 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:34.360 informed my tenth book Self Help, which is where we 0:07:34.400 --> 0:07:38.440 are today. And that therapy was so healing for me 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:43.880 that I befriended the founder. He became sort of my buddy, 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:47.320 my mentor. He guided me as I went and I 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:50.520 got to the practitioner training with the IFS Institute. I 0:07:50.560 --> 0:07:52.480 was one of the last students to go through it. 0:07:52.880 --> 0:07:56.040 That isn't actually a therapist, so they've stopped teaching it 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:59.480 to people. They've stopped training people who aren't therapists, which 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:03.040 I completelyunderstand. They're training in other ways, many other trainings though, 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:05.480 And so I've got the level two training. I'm like, 0:08:05.560 --> 0:08:08.120 I've got this tool. I can use this in my work, 0:08:08.480 --> 0:08:10.200 not one on one, but I was wanting to use 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:13.440 it in my lectures and my coaching and in my 0:08:13.600 --> 0:08:16.520 podcast coaching. And then I realized, I got to write 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:19.000 a book about this. But I have to make it 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:22.560 self help, because not everyone's going to have the privilege 0:08:22.600 --> 0:08:25.520 of getting an IFS therapist or finding their way to therapy, 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:28.680 or even having enough willingness to go do that work 0:08:28.720 --> 0:08:31.240 in therapy. So I wrote this, I wrote the book 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:31.720 self Help. 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:34.240 Wow, Well, thank you for sharing that, And I'm so 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:36.200 sorry that you had to go through something like that. 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:38.960 Don't be sorry, because you want to know why I 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:41.280 am in the I am the happiest person I know. 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:44.560 I am in such a great place in my life. 0:08:44.640 --> 0:08:49.960 I am literally so clear, so confident, I have so 0:08:50.080 --> 0:08:52.920 much courage. I feel so great in this life right now, 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:56.400 in this moment. And if I hadn't lived all the 0:08:56.440 --> 0:09:00.079 life experience that I've had, I wouldn't be right here. 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:02.160 And that's such a beautiful thing to be able to say. 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:05.240 And only when someone has truly done the work and healed, 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:07.280 are you able to truly be able to say something 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:10.319 like that, especially after having been something so traumatic, when 0:09:10.360 --> 0:09:13.640 you've been younger. Yes, So you mentioned the therapy that 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:16.040 this is all based around mention it again. 0:09:15.800 --> 0:09:19.120 So it's called internal family Systems therapy. It's also known 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:20.480 as IFS. 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:23.240 IFS yes, IFS therapy, And so could you explain a 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:25.760 little bit around the IFS therapy because the first time 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:27.160 I heard about it was reading your book. 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:29.680 Oh wow, great, Yeah, that's my hold that that's the 0:09:29.720 --> 0:09:31.839 first time I had about it because here you are, 0:09:31.880 --> 0:09:33.719 you know, like you and Jay are like this is 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:35.720 your space, and like this is your first time hearing 0:09:35.720 --> 0:09:39.000 about it. So that's showing me that it's definitely my 0:09:39.160 --> 0:09:41.560 duty to sort of light the fire under this and 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:45.920 really let people who wouldn't otherwise necessarily find this life 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:48.959 changing healing. Yeah, it's very in the zeitgeist right now, 0:09:48.960 --> 0:09:50.240 so you're going to be healing hearing about it a 0:09:50.280 --> 0:09:53.520 lot more and more and more. And it's been around 0:09:53.559 --> 0:09:57.839 for forty three years maybe around that roughly, Doctor Richard 0:09:57.880 --> 0:10:01.840 Schwartz was originally a family therapist, and then he started 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:07.040 working with women who were binging and Beliemeck, and he 0:10:07.440 --> 0:10:11.080 found that these women were talking about these parts of themselves, 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:14.559 like a part of me wants to harm myself or 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:17.080 a part of me wants to shut down, and then 0:10:17.080 --> 0:10:19.320 they also started speaking about this other part of themselves, 0:10:19.400 --> 0:10:21.839 that part of me feels a lot of compassion for 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:25.520 this experience. And so he started to sort of rework it, 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:30.640 and through his systems, family training, and his intuition and 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:34.080 I believe higher power, he created a model that has 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:39.160 this premise that when we're children, we have these extreme experiences. 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:42.480 Some may be as extreme as mine or even far 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:46.120 more extreme, right, Or they may just be being bullied 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:48.160 by the big kid right, or being told you were 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:51.600 stupid by a teacher, or or all of the above 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:55.160 little impressions to begin, little impressions, or your dad just 0:10:55.240 --> 0:10:57.800 wasn't around a lot because he was working, or mom 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:00.199 left dad, or you know, things that sometimes you might 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:01.800 be like, I had a really great upbringing, but you know, 0:11:01.960 --> 0:11:04.200 they'll be like, but my dad was an alcoholic. You know, yeah, 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:06.600 you know, you don't always like even really equate it 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:10.400 because you just have normalized it. But the experiences from 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:17.760 our childhood imprint these wounds, frankly, and those experiences are 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:23.720 often so extreme that our child brain cannot handle it 0:11:24.080 --> 0:11:27.400 or process it. And it's far too often the majority 0:11:27.400 --> 0:11:29.280 of the time that we don't have an adult parent 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:32.480 or caregiver who can help us process it. 0:11:32.800 --> 0:11:35.320 Oh, we don't even know to express it, for someone 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:36.280 to help us throw it. 0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:38.719 Like, we have shame around it, whatever it might be. 0:11:38.840 --> 0:11:40.960 It's too shameful. I mean, I have a six year old, right, 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:43.200 so I can see that when I I'm like, oh, 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:45.160 how do you feel about the kid in the class 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.600 that wasn't nice? We don't want to talk about mommy. 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:49.480 It's fine, you know what I mean, he likes me. 0:11:49.520 --> 0:11:49.680 You know. 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:53.360 It's just too much shame that it won't even come 0:11:53.400 --> 0:11:56.440 to the surface. So these young parts of us that 0:11:56.480 --> 0:11:59.959 were so traumatized very young became exiled. And that's an 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:04.080 IFS called the exiles. Okay, So they're like these impermissible, 0:12:04.160 --> 0:12:07.840 huge feelings of terror and fear and shame, and they're 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:13.040 just we're just deppressed, suppressed, and we subconsciously are like, 0:12:13.120 --> 0:12:15.719 I never want to feel that again. So at a 0:12:15.880 --> 0:12:18.959 very young age, we start to build up these protectors, 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:20.200 protection mechanisms. 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:21.800 I loved hearing about this in your book. 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:25.439 Yes, so the protectors are all the ways that we 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:29.880 learned how to cope with those horrible feelings as little children. Right. 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:34.000 So for my son's example, right, he was three years old, 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:36.640 he went into a class, a Montessori class was three 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:38.760 year olds and six year olds. There was a six 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:41.120 year old in the class, and he was obsessed with him. 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:42.920 He only wanted to be friends with the six year old, 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:44.840 and the six year old was like, I hate you. 0:12:45.320 --> 0:12:46.840 I want to have nothing to do with you, and 0:12:46.880 --> 0:12:48.920 I you know, kids are mean, right, and also like 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:50.120 what is the six year old want of people? And 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.520 with a three year old for you know, like they don't. 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:54.640 It's just he's like, I don't want to be around you. 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:57.920 And he was bullying him a little bit, but natural 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:00.440 stuff that happens. But this sent in and press my 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:03.480 son that said to him, the only way to make 0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:05.959 myself feel good enough and protect myself from that feeling 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:09.400 is to always be the boss R. And so even 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:12.200 to this day, three years later, I see in my 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:15.160 son that he has a protector part that's like, I'm 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:18.040 the boss. When new people come around, he'll go grab 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:21.280 his NERF gun and he'll walk around with his NERF gun, which, 0:13:21.280 --> 0:13:22.640 by the way, I would never wanted to give him, 0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:24.560 but eventually you just give it to them because then 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:27.040 you think they'll get over it. But like or some 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:29.640 like weapon, they I'll have a sword with him. He 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:31.720 walks around with it when new people around because he 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:35.079 needs to be the boss, right And it's this misguided 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:37.960 believe that I'm not the boss, I don't belong. And 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:41.640 so that's an example of a moment in time, not 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:44.080 that big a deal, but it was extreme for him, 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:45.440 and he didn't have a process that and even with 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.320 mom it was Gabby Bernstein. It was a lot. And 0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:50.800 so we're still processing it, you know. And so it 0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:53.040 told him I'm going to protect myself by being a boss. 0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:56.040 So that was a protector part that was established for 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:59.720 this little guy. Okay, so imagine the more extreme things 0:13:59.760 --> 0:14:02.320 that have and we build up these protectors. You know, 0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:05.920 we weren't loved as kids. I'm going another protector could 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:08.720 be I'm going to be a perfectionist, so nobody ever 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:11.160 has to so I feel good enough, or I'm going 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:14.000 to control everything because they didn't feel safe at that time. 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:17.600 High that's me, And so that becomes this way that 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:21.880 we manage our big, impermissible feelings. And so the good 0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:25.160 news is that, well, let's talk about the tough news. First, 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:28.400 most of us are living our lives in these protector 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.760 parts were when something gets when that childhood feeling gets triggered, 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:35.960 we go right into a control We go into you know, 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:38.920 some kind of trauma response. Right, so it's going to 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:41.840 be judgment or it's going to be you know, freaking out, 0:14:41.960 --> 0:14:45.280 or ways of protecting, being the boss, whatever it might be. 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:47.680 Those are called manager protectors, where we're just kind of 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:51.000 keeping it together. But those managers aren't working. It gets 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:53.760 to really extreme levels, and those are called the firefighter protectors. 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:56.520 And that's like drug addiction or love addiction, because the 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:58.680 pain is so big that we have to put out 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:04.800 the fire. So internal family, we have an inner family 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:09.400 of lots of little children inside of us, these locked up, 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:14.360 little exile, traumatized kids, and these protection mechanisms that are 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:17.760 literally like little children running our fucking lives. 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:19.360 You know what this is reminding me of? Did you 0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:20.960 watch the show with Tom Holland. 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:22.080 What's the show? 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:23.520 You have to watch it? Do you know what the 0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:27.360 show is called? Tom Holland's it's literally what you are 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:29.720 saying right now, is that a cartoon? No? No, no, 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:32.960 it's a really it's like it's a drama. Its specifically 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:36.160 speaking about basically this where he's and in that they 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:39.360 say that he's schizophrenic, but really what he has is 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:42.520 every single thing that's happened to him as he has 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:46.000 grown up. You realize at the end that he's actually 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:50.160 created these people, these personalities that he becomes as protective 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:53.920 mechanisms to the trauma that he's had. So every time 0:15:53.960 --> 0:15:58.040 he's in that situation, this protected person, which eventually you 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:00.920 see them inside his heart. You see all these little people, 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:04.320 and each one represents a different pain or trauma that 0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:08.120 he has created. This personality or this person he's speaking to, 0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:11.880 that's protecting him, that's with him, that's his safety blanket 0:16:12.480 --> 0:16:16.560 that he is turning into or speaking as there you go, and. 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:19.800 I have to guess that it's based on ifs. 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:22.440 Yes, and from everything you're saying, I'm sure, I'm sure 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:23.600 the crowded. 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:26.160 Room, I'm sure it's based on ifs it has to be. 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:29.000 And it's not like this is an uncommon under awareness, 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:32.440 but the idea that we're not one mono human, right, 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:34.840 this is what Dick Schwartz teaches, but that we have 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:39.760 multiple types of protection mechanisms that are little children inside 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:43.400 of us. And it's a very non pathologizing way of 0:16:43.440 --> 0:16:45.480 looking at yourself. Right, It's like, I'm not a schizophrenic 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:47.920 as a lots of parts of me, I'm not a 0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:51.080 drug addict. I just have a protection mechanism that's called 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:53.240 a drug addict that that puts out the fire with 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:55.520 the drugs because it's too scary to live in this world. 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:58.320 And I love that because I do think that nowadays 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.040 everything has just gotten so much much smaller and smaller, 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:03.040 and minds have just gone smaller and smaller, where you 0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:07.000 just can't believe that someone can be have duality, that 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:10.960 someone can be both happy as you were but still 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:14.880 have trauma, that someone can be a self help teacher 0:17:15.119 --> 0:17:17.600 and philosopher. And I've done a lot of work but 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:19.719 still have a lot of work to do. And I 0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:23.200 think that is that what you're explaining I think would 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:25.879 help one where if people learned it, even if they 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:28.560 don't have to use the therapy for me. It makes 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:31.280 me think, Oh, like my friend who drinks a little 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:35.200 bit too much, or my friend who has these sudden 0:17:35.240 --> 0:17:37.880 outbursts in this specific way, or my mum or my sister, 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:41.280 whatever it is, it's making me understand them so much 0:17:41.280 --> 0:17:43.640 more just by you saying that. And I'm looking at 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:45.720 my life and I'm thinking, oh, wow, when I have this. 0:17:46.160 --> 0:17:48.520 There are some times when to my husband, to J 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:51.720 I'll be like, I'll have this sudden response that's really 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:54.320 bigger than it ever needs to be. I'm like, why 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:55.720 do I respond to him in that way? Because what 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:59.199 he's saying actually isn't triggering, and what he's saying and 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:01.359 the way he's saying it isn't triggering at all. But 0:18:01.400 --> 0:18:04.480 the way I've reacted it's way larger than what he 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:04.880 was saying. 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:05.800 It's way bigger. 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:08.080 And the only thing I can think of there is like, oh, 0:18:08.160 --> 0:18:11.440 it's definitely And I've broken some of those down for myself, 0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:14.160 where you know, if I'm if he's even if he's 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:16.880 trying to help me in some way, my automatic response 0:18:16.960 --> 0:18:19.119 is I can do it myself. I can do it, 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:20.679 like you don't need to do it for me, I 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:23.399 can do it myself. And at first for him that 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:25.439 was like, wait, I'm just trying to help you, like 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:27.199 I actually love you and I'm trying to help you. 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.359 For me, I interpret it as people didn't think I 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:32.399 could do anything by myself when I was younger, So 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:34.199 now I have to show that I can do this 0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:36.040 all by myself. And so I don't want your help. 0:18:36.080 --> 0:18:37.960 I don't want you to promote this. I don't want 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:39.280 you to do this for me. I want to do 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:42.159 it by myself and I don't want your help. And 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:45.000 so that so when you're saying that, that's the first 0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:46.280 thing that came to my mind. I was like, I 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:48.280 would never understand why I would have that response to 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:50.920 someone who's just trying to pour love into me, and 0:18:51.080 --> 0:18:53.520 that would be my response. And so I'm like, oh, wow, 0:18:53.640 --> 0:18:56.880 that was my protective mechanism or me trying to suppress 0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:59.360 something that I haven't yet worked through, and that's how 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:00.280 it's coming out of me. 0:19:00.440 --> 0:19:02.199 Do you want to check in with that part? We 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:04.240 don't have to go deep deep, we can just have 0:19:04.280 --> 0:19:06.800 a conversation with it. Yesday. So this is the step 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:08.480 that I've created in the book. Yeah, this is now 0:19:08.760 --> 0:19:11.639 we'll teach it, and it's actually not meant to go 0:19:11.720 --> 0:19:14.200 to the exile. It's not meant to go to like 0:19:14.200 --> 0:19:17.840 like it'll the young memories might come through, but that's 0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:19.480 not what I'm trying to do here. This is an 0:19:19.560 --> 0:19:23.919 IFS informed self help book. And before we go into it, 0:19:23.960 --> 0:19:26.360 I have to really tell you the most important part, 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:28.840 which is that we have these little children that are 0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:31.720 kind of controlling and running our lives and they're always 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:35.520 on high alert. But we also have an internal parent. 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:41.280 We also have an adult resourced, undamaged self with a 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:47.200 capital S. It self is compassionate. It's eight C qualities. Compassion, 0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:56.919 the energy the essence of compassion, connection, courage, confidence, clarity, creativity, 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:00.760 calm and connected. Think I said already that. 0:20:00.960 --> 0:20:03.119 Sounds like all the things where in our scriptures it 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:06.040 talks about our super soul, and it's like the the 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:09.760