00:00:08 Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here. I thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest to my home, you gotta come to me empty. And I said, no, guests, your presences presents enough. I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me? 00:00:47 Speaker 2: Welcome to, I said, no gifts. I'm Richard Wineger having an eventful morning. I hope you're doing okay. I got an accidental bill from my dentism. It's just the dental situation. This year has been just non stop for me for no reason, and now you're dealing with it. And I'm trying to drag as many people into this as I can, and this is kind of my one platform to do that. So I appreciate you being here. Ah, what else is going on? Very little, and so we're going to get into the podcast to kind of, you know, bring an event into my life. And today's guest is so funny. Everyone loves this person. It's Jared Goldstein. Jared, welcome to. 00:01:36 Speaker 3: I said, no gifts. I'm so happy to be here and I can talk about dentistry for days, So feel free. You picked the right guest today. What's your dental history that's my dental history. I don't know if you could get a little ask to mar moment, but I just removed my top invisile line. 00:01:56 Speaker 2: How long have you had an invisile line for? 00:01:58 Speaker 3: Fourteen years? Fourteen years? 00:02:02 Speaker 2: That possibly. 00:02:04 Speaker 3: I had braces as a child which were savagely and prematurely ripped off by a child acting manager. If you can believe, I actually can believe that, and the damage has been irreparable and honestly just insurmountable. So here we are, all these years later, Bill got still got braces on the manager. 00:02:33 Speaker 2: Now you had braces for how long before the manager said this is not working for your career? 00:02:39 Speaker 3: I had him about six months, and it was the six months before I started being a professional eleven year old boy boss. 00:02:50 Speaker 2: What was that conversation like to the manager pull your parents aside and say we've got the braces are ruining him. 00:02:56 Speaker 3: It was such an unreal conversation. She could not understand for the life of why I had braces. She's talking to an eleven year old who's just shown up from Long Island to this talent office on Park Avenue. I'm standing on the star reading a Smucker's commercial and she's like, great, but why does he have braces? And my parents were like, well, he's eleven, and that's kind of a part of it. And then she was like, but if you knew you wanted him to be an actor, why would you put braces on him? And then she was like, well, we didn't know that we wanted him to be an actor. This is all kind of pretty bizarre and like kind of just happened, and here we are. And then she was like, but but why does he have them on if he wants to be an actor? And I swear to god, we went back and forth with this person four times of being like okay and trying to be nice to because we wanted to help me, but we're like, okay, we didn't know that I wanted this until about a day. I don't even know that I want this, and here we are, so I don't And she could not reprehend. It was wild. 00:04:12 Speaker 2: But then your parents decided this is the person to represent our child. 00:04:17 Speaker 3: Yes, a famously evil woman who I would I would tell people, you know, they'd ask who's your manager? I would say her name, and the faces I would get, oh my god. 00:04:29 Speaker 2: So then you just went back to the orthodontis and said, we've got to get these off. 00:04:33 Speaker 3: Yeah, just get them off, get them off. How bad were your teeth? Well, what, they were really bad when the braces went on, But six months of braces will go far. So it got me from like really like shockingly bad teeth to normal looking teeth. 00:04:50 Speaker 2: Okay, And was the Orthodonis like, I feel like that's a real moral crossroads for the orthodontis. 00:04:56 Speaker 3: Yeah, no, yeah, sure, yeah. I mean nothing about being a child actor is moral, and that's kind of you know, the ramifications again, insurmountable, irreparable. 00:05:10 Speaker 2: Well, you know, when you enter a child into the world of acting, you know it's a safe road. You know that mentally the things that they that's going to do will be perfect everything. It's you know, putting your kid on rails to adult success. 00:05:25 Speaker 3: Yeah. 00:05:26 Speaker 2: So I feel like that's what I will say. 00:05:28 Speaker 3: Intoxicating, nothing like a room full of adults clapping for you. 00:05:35 Speaker 2: Well, let me ask, did you book Smuckers? 00:05:38 Speaker 3: I never did. I didn't book one gosh darn commercials. Oh you're kidding, no commercials for me, because I didn't. I first, I didn't know how to do them. Like they're very simple, but I just didn't know how to do them, so that came later in life. But I booked no commercials. I booked no TV, like hardly any TV work. I was just doing theater because I was very good at singing, And then we were just trying to make me an actor because I was good at singing. But I was never really like an actor at that time. 00:06:06 Speaker 2: Right, what did you do in theater? 00:06:08 Speaker 3: Well, as much as it is so embarrassing to bring up, but I was. I was on Broadway. Please treat me the same. 00:06:19 Speaker 2: Everything about the rest of the next forty five minutes has shifted in a huge way. Yes, I'm sorry if you've ever heard about Broadway. 00:06:27 Speaker 3: But it's it's a pretty big deal. 00:06:31 Speaker 2: What were you doing on Broadway? 00:06:33 Speaker 3: Shining? 00:06:36 Speaker 4: That was assumed, Jared, Yeah, on Broadway? 00:06:41 Speaker 3: I was. I was in a Christmas Carol at Madison Square Garden, playing a baby Scrooge when the ghost of Christmas Past is back in time. Oh my, learn the soft, mushy origins of Ebenezer. And that was me. 00:06:54 Speaker 2: Did you go out for Tiny Tim? 00:06:57 Speaker 3: I was too old? Too old? How old is Tiny Tim? Supposed to be about two or three years old? 00:07:04 Speaker 2: He's kind of toddling about in a diaper two little Uh, what are these things that you move around? They're not stilts? What is when you break your leg? 00:07:14 Speaker 3: Crutches? Crutch? 00:07:15 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, baby in a diaper and crutches exactly. 00:07:21 Speaker 3: I started when I was eleven, which is very old, extremely old. 00:07:26 Speaker 2: You're supposed to start when you are eight. 00:07:31 Speaker 3: Because most of the roles, especially for a young little boys on Broadway are for seven, eight and nine year olds. So if you're eleven, you've kind of already missed so much. 00:07:41 Speaker 2: Right, I thought about that recently with a pandemic. I feel like there are a lot of stage parents that over the last year and a half have just been freaking out because those years for children are huge. 00:07:52 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the whole year. That's the wind, like truly, like especially like with puberty and all of it, that is the window. That's it. I have not thought about to you just said it that the horror of that. 00:08:03 Speaker 2: I know, you know there are some really wild parents out there that have just been sweating for the last year and a half. Just when let's get these things back into production. My child is about to become a teen. 00:08:14 Speaker 3: Oh my god, you are so right. 00:08:16 Speaker 2: I've dealt with some interesting uh stage parents, have you? Oh yeah, you know, within the TV world, and they're okay, you know, I probably shouldn't even say anything. 00:08:29 Speaker 3: I don't know. 00:08:30 Speaker 2: Yeah, but they're you know there. It takes all types. 00:08:33 Speaker 3: I have to say. You have a beautiful name, you have a gorgeous way of speaking. I don't know how old you are, what time you are from. 00:08:46 Speaker 2: I'm a baby Scrooge, your baby Scrooge. Yes, but who's also a mixology three? 00:08:53 Speaker 3: You have mixology energy. 00:08:57 Speaker 2: I'll eventually be running a very high fashion bar on Christmas. Bridger, I can tell you've muddled. You've muddled. Now we're headed into October. 00:09:09 Speaker 3: How do you feel we're heading into October? I feel great. I really just want to fast forward my whole life. I'm like, it's good, but can we just wrap it up. I'm like, let's just yeah, let's keep going, Let's keep going. 00:09:25 Speaker 2: I'd like to just get to like the years between about sixty five to sixty seven, enjoy those two years, and then die and people will be like, he lived a long life, but not he was pretty young when he died. 00:09:36 Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like I am both. I am both enjoying the moment and just waiting for it to be over. 00:09:43 Speaker 2: What do you do with your time? 00:09:45 Speaker 3: What do I do? What do I do? You know, I'm shrouded in mystery. It's really it's really just conjecture. And I did say conjecture. 00:09:57 Speaker 2: Your entire life is How would you spell conjects? Sure, that's a kind of a twist on a classic word. 00:10:04 Speaker 3: It's spelled like jinks monsoon. However Jinx spells her name. It's kind of like that conjecture. 00:10:12 Speaker 2: No, what do you do? 00:10:13 Speaker 3: What? 00:10:13 Speaker 2: Like fills a normal day? 00:10:14 Speaker 3: For Jared? A normal day? So I love a list every single day. Make a list. I'll make it days in advance. I love if I have like the next four days on a list. 00:10:25 Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's so put together. 00:10:27 Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I don't know how anyone lives any other way. Like I am just such a type a star student. I like need the I need the schedule, I need the reinforcement. I need like the small reward you get like a little endorphin blast when you delete the thing off the list, right, and you got to know where you are and where you need to be. And there's so many there's so much going on. There's so much going on that it's I need to make a list. So every day I start the day, I check the list, and we just start making our way through it. And it's the same thing of like trying to enjoy the moment, but also trying to just get it over with. Like I'm just like, I'm just like, I don't know what I'm even reaching for, but I just I'm in a constant reaching position. 00:11:13 Speaker 2: Now. Was the list making like a learned habit or is this something that just comes naturally to you. 00:11:18 Speaker 3: I think it's natural. When I was a kid, I used to line up all my toys. I think there's something. 00:11:24 Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh, I've tried making lists before. Usually when I try, I just put one item on it and I'm already exhausted and then I don't even accomplish that task. Well, are you writing them on? Do you have like a little notebook that you write your lists on? 00:11:41 Speaker 3: What do you do? It's in a Google doc Google doc. 00:11:45 Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's accessible in the cloud wherever you are. 00:11:48 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, because that's a part of it too. It's like I'm not always at home, like I'll be out kind of like and then I have the thing I go food chopping, I have a meeting, I have an editor, I go to the dentist, and I want to be a to access it as we're going. So the Google doc is very helpful. I mean, a journal is it's so romantic, but it's just not practical. Yeah, I don't know. 00:12:09 Speaker 2: Well, I've been I carry a tote bag with me and I've recently kind of discovered that I can carry more than a wallet and phone in it, so maybe a journal could fit in there. Recently, you know, like a travel sized deodorant, which I thought, why wouldn't I have this? Sometimes you forget to put on deodorant in the morning, yeah, I mean very rarely, but when you do, you're panicking. So now I've got. 00:12:32 Speaker 3: This, Now you're really sweating. I have a fanny pack with me at all times, and it is well I could grab it and show you or would just take my word for it. It's deodorant, floss, retainer case, sunscreen, a lunch meat, napkins, just a loose piece of bologna at the bottom of it. I mean, truly, it's I mean it's pursued. I'm not an animal, but it's always in there. 00:13:01 Speaker 2: Yeah, my bag up until about four days ago, was my wallet, my keys, my phone, and then just so many loose receipts, just basically stuffed like a pillow case. So four it's a good question. I think it's just, you know, I frequently will just have the cashier force the receipt on me rather than saying no thank you to that. It does feel aggressive. It is aggressive to say and no receipt. 00:13:27 Speaker 3: Something about it feels like like I'm gonna just get ahead of this and shut your ass down. 00:13:34 Speaker 2: It does feel that way. And then they have to take care of it. And it's like they're not being paid to throw away receipts. They're there to hand the receipt to me. So it's a little they're not being paid. This is their passion. 00:13:47 Speaker 3: What else is going on? I don't know. 00:13:49 Speaker 2: It's been a you know, I thought this podcast was going to start a half hour later, and so I'm in a real place right now where I was truly rushing around the house. I guess that just says to me, you're more of an eleven thirty person. I look at you as an eleven thirty person rather than an eleven am person. 00:14:06 Speaker 3: I don't know what I'm going to break your damn head open right now, and I'm going to tell you that this is actually the second podcast I'm doing today. 00:14:14 Speaker 2: Oh, you've already recorded. I've already recorded a podcast. 00:14:17 Speaker 3: I'm Kelly Rippa. 00:14:19 Speaker 2: You are on a circuit, the interview circuit. Yeah, you're on a world press tour. Look all of that aside. There is something I want to discuss with you. Yeah, you sent me your home address. And I thought, what a wonderful little sign of trust that Jared has kind of just shared this with me. We've never met, and suddenly I have his home address. For all he knows. This podcast is kind of set up for, you know, to bring in victims. You know, I get people's addresses and they go missing, that kind of thing. But you know, I started wondering why the address. It's probably it's maybe a six hour drive from my mansion to your mansion. And I thought the altitude to change in altitude alone, nosebleeds. I mean, I'm driving to you, you know, I figured I'll drive to his house and I start heading up the mountain. Suddenly it just blood gushing. Shirt ruined, going to have to have the car Reoppolstert. But I get to your house and you've left some kind of cryptic instructions and it's look in the little black mailbox near the flamingo, and I think, okay, now, okay, So now we've got a situation because Jared's basically asking me to commit a felony. 00:15:41 Speaker 3: To steal mail. 00:15:42 Speaker 2: But you know you had shown this little bit of trust by giving me your address. I thought, I'll trust Jared. I'm gonna dig around in his mail, and I did, and I found a little package in there. 00:15:55 Speaker 3: Jared. 00:15:56 Speaker 2: This podcast is called I said no gifts. Everyone knows that everyone loves it. Everyone's begging for more, and so the rule is right there in the title. And so I'm going to just ask you, is this a gift for me? 00:16:11 Speaker 3: I know you said no gifts, but it would be rude of me to come onto your podcast empty handed. And I also I want you to know that my personal phone number was accessible through my Instagram until about two weeks ago when someone made me aware of that. So I have removed birth. That is completely true. I have never been precious about my personal safety, my privacy. I mean, I'm gonna dime podcast right now. 00:16:42 Speaker 2: Wait, how was your phone number available through Instagram? 00:16:46 Speaker 3: I because when I set up Instagram in nineteen ninety three. 00:16:51 Speaker 2: And when you say set up, you mean launched the company. 00:16:54 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, when I birthed the idea of Facebook with less words, I thought I was just like giving it to the company. I was like, They're like, what's your phone number? And I was like, okay, like sure it blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, and then never thought of it once ever again, Like I'm like, really, I'm I am not very like internet savvy or like like on the Internet. I've never been. I've like always been like I had like an N sixty four when everyone had like a PS two, I've always been behind. I still I used Apple Music. I'm getting vulnerable now. I use Apple Music. I don't use Spotify. 00:17:35 Speaker 2: There are a few people in my life who use Apple Music, and I'm look, it's a good service. I imagine. I'm not on Apple Music. I'm on Spotify. So when I create a playlist or something, I'm begging them please sign up for Spotify. I want to share this with you. It's my little thing, but you know, it's kind of a you know, it's it is a Nintendo sony. Yeah, what are some of these great rivalries? 00:17:57 Speaker 1: You know? 00:17:57 Speaker 2: It tells you a little bit about the person. What are we talking about? 00:18:00 Speaker 3: Should I open this gift? You should? 00:18:08 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to dive in here. It's in this very nice little bag. It's ah, I will say it. I'm going to say, is this like sandwich wrap? 00:18:16 Speaker 3: It is? 00:18:16 Speaker 2: I love that it is a recyclable plastic bag. 00:18:20 Speaker 3: It's not plastic. 00:18:20 Speaker 2: It's yeah, I've never had a recycled, recyclable plastic bag. I guess I need to get into that. 00:18:27 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's because you're selfish. 00:18:28 Speaker 2: It is because well, it's because I'm the Toxic Adventure. I'm trying to destroy Earth. Mother Nature is my nemesis, and I'm gonna take her down. 00:18:38 Speaker 3: You know you're going to get her. 00:18:39 Speaker 1: Yeah. 00:18:42 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a nice I've never seen one of these bags. And the Ziploc Corp Is doing a nice job. 00:18:47 Speaker 3: Also, they're doing an incredible job. How satisfying is that? And it comes with stickers so you can see came with it. 00:18:54 Speaker 2: Yes, Now, I'll say, the sticker to me, looks like you can't recycle it. 00:19:00 Speaker 3: Or false. Okay, this absolute savage takedown at the zip loc company. 00:19:05 Speaker 2: I mean, I will assume that whoever's in charge is putting a sticker in that also is biodegradable, or it might be. I don't know. 00:19:14 Speaker 3: Otherwise. 00:19:15 Speaker 2: It's like, you know one of these things, you know, it's the Pride section of Target, for example. It's like the Giant Corporation doesn't actually care. Let's open it up. I'm gonna oh, I'm going to open it right near the mic. Try to get a little bit of that. 00:19:31 Speaker 3: That sounds wonderful to me. 00:19:32 Speaker 2: It really doesn't it. Oh, that basically becomes a little purse exactly. 00:19:40 Speaker 3: I like to keep my mask in. 00:19:41 Speaker 2: There's keep it clean, and it says and it also has like a it says half a blank day. It's like a craft little thing that I can't imagine anyone's ever. 00:19:53 Speaker 3: That's a space for mommies. 00:19:54 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's exclusively for mommies, and uh, good for them. 00:20:00 Speaker 3: Okay, I'm getting in here, and wait. 00:20:02 Speaker 2: What what is this? So I've opened it? Uh? 00:20:07 Speaker 3: Is this gum? 00:20:09 Speaker 1: Is this? 00:20:09 Speaker 2: Do you have a Do you have a Jared Goldstein gum? 00:20:15 Speaker 3: Yeah? I invented Instagram and sugar free gum. 00:20:19 Speaker 2: This is like it's a package of gum, but as a picture of Jared. It's got all of his information on it. And then it's just literally I. 00:20:27 Speaker 4: Hope that this is nicorete. Yeah, it's actually birth control. Well, okay, go on. I'm so is this something that you have created as merch? It is merch, and but it's not. It's not just merch. It's merch that I really wanted you to have. 00:20:48 Speaker 2: I don't understand how. I mean, obviously there are merches of all types, but I've never heard of somebody. How do you get to creating your own gum? 00:20:59 Speaker 3: You call up Vista Print, Vista Print, Vista Print. 00:21:05 Speaker 2: And then they've got their own gum. 00:21:07 Speaker 3: And they've got they've got their own everything. You can put anything on anything, gumballs, mugs, mousepads, it's. 00:21:16 Speaker 2: All out there. Gum is a what I have never heard before. Are they in touch with like the Denteen people? Is this a rigly I'm very cuty. 00:21:26 Speaker 3: I don't know where that gum comes from. Do not put in your mouth. I would not recommend eating it. I don't know where that where that came from? Who is responsible for that food? 00:21:38 Speaker 2: It's distributed by Chocolate Inn, which is face out of Hicksville, New York. 00:21:46 Speaker 3: That sounds right. 00:21:47 Speaker 2: You can, of course go to chocolate in dot Com Chocolate in right near Hicksville. 00:21:52 Speaker 3: That's that's Oh did you read a full circle moment? Yeah, I'm from Long Island. 00:21:55 Speaker 2: Hicksville to me is such a bizarre name for a town in between Long Island, I mean, within the New York metro region. How did that happen? Hicksville sounds like the middle of Nevada. 00:22:10 Speaker 3: Well, Long Island has has really can feel like the middle of Nevada. Is that true? Yeah? Oh yeah, oh yeah, New York Long Island gets. 00:22:22 Speaker 2: I had no idea. My imagination. In my imagination, Long Island has always been long you know, green lawns correct, correct, Bush's kind of stately homes. 00:22:34 Speaker 3: But it's not all that. 00:22:36 Speaker 2: Oh there's some nastiness, yeah. 00:22:39 Speaker 3: You know, because it's it starts at Brooklyn. But don't tell anyone from Brooklyn that. God they hate that. 00:22:46 Speaker 2: Yeah. 00:22:46 Speaker 3: I They're like, we're not Long Island, We're Brooklyn. Wait is that true? Yeah, it's all like attached what part of Brooklyn? All of Brooklyn is technically on Long Island. 00:22:56 Speaker 2: But like, so let's say, like, what is the part of Brooklyn that feels like Long Island? 00:23:03 Speaker 3: Brooklyn then turns into Queens, and Queens is kind of like the sliver of between the two. 00:23:10 Speaker 2: Long Island has always seemed like it's a thousand miles away to me. 00:23:14 Speaker 3: It's it is really long, is the thing. Like if you are going to drive to the Hamptons, which is the other side of it, it takes so long. You're like, God, this really is a long island. 00:23:29 Speaker 2: Wow, I had no. This is a little piece of it. 00:23:31 Speaker 3: It's famous for its edges, and then the middle is kind of a blur. And as you go further further east away from Manhattan, it just gets more and more bural, and you know a lot of what comes with that. Are you a gum cheer? I am not once in a while, not really. I used to be, but now they make like fun like xili tall gums that are kind of interesting to me, and I'll try them every now and again. And but wait, fund Zyla tal gum, They're like they're like natural gum. Like I'm very like, I'm there, I'm a sucker for like all natural So what are you doing to freshen your breath throughout the day, literally putting a little bit of toothpaste in my mouth, rubbing it around and then spitting on the ground, and then us that happening too often, and then I'm taking my invisi line out in front of people and then flossing at the dinner table. 00:24:32 Speaker 2: I really did bring on the ultimate dental guest. 00:24:35 Speaker 3: It's disgusting. Yeah, it's really I I'm on a dental journey chewing tobacco for you. 00:24:43 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm now picturing like baseball players just kind of like dipping into their pocket and bringing out like a gob of toothpaste to rub in their teeth during games. I feel like that's a nice, healthy habit that the MLB community could take on. 00:24:56 Speaker 3: Because, you know, it's also good about it too. As someone who's like kind of like obsessed with DENTI a part of it is knowing that, like you're supposed to brush your teeth really softly. 00:25:06 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a late extra life brush and. 00:25:10 Speaker 3: You're not supposed to do it too much. So as someone who wants to brush my teeth like fifteen times a day, that would be terrible for my gums, which are already suffering to just put a little toothpaste in your mouth and kind of rub it around, freshens your breath, spit it out on the ground. You get to spit it out. It's very dramatic. 00:25:28 Speaker 2: So do you have like a mini size toothpaste in your fanny pack or a full size? 00:25:33 Speaker 3: It's it's either I have both, but the mini. The mini has a kind of a tough flavor. It's kind of like a like a licorice, kind of like anis flavor to it. That's nice once in a while, but like I just kind of like the straight up peppermint, right, And is it natural toothpaste? It's Tom's Toms. 00:25:53 Speaker 2: I've never had a Tom's with toothpaste. It's one of the things that organic to me. I feel like, I well, I just feel like I want to blast my teeth with the most toxic chemicals that the dental industry can provide. I'm sure that's not a good idea, but I'm just like, my teeth are essentially little dishes that I need to put the dish soap on, and so I'm like, let's just burn them off. 00:26:16 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I wish everything was like the dishes. I love. I love washing the dishes. I do it so often. I've even had a brother in law tell a family member who wasn't me that watching me wash dishes was transcendent, very relaxing. I love to do it. And it's because it's like a simp. It's like a simple solvable problem. It smells nice, there's warm water, and I just I think all the time, like if all of my problems were just like these dishes and I could just I could clean them, I can fix them in a moment. 00:26:59 Speaker 2: I have ever thought about dishwashing that way, But it does sound the way you just describe. It sounds so relaxing. If I, I know you was a dishwasher, but when I didn't have a Yeah, it sounds like a nice little spa moment where put on some gentle music. You've got the SuDS and the water as long as you haven't allowed like the sink to just fill with every dish you have no Wow, you're just massaging the plates. You're Oh, that's lovely. 00:27:28 Speaker 3: It's like every mistake and error and problem on this dish is God a little baptism. 00:27:36 Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, yes, okay, I'm Christian. 00:27:44 Speaker 2: And all of your dishes are now too. 00:27:48 Speaker 3: My Christian plates. Okay, so you don't you gum? 00:27:55 Speaker 2: You wash your teeth with your finger from most of the time, going back to it's. 00:27:59 Speaker 3: On my finger, I'll just put I'll just put a doll up in straight out of it. Are you doing it? 00:28:09 Speaker 2: Kind of like are you ducking into the shadows to do this or the all? 00:28:13 Speaker 3: And I'm begging, I go, daddy, daddy, please, And then I pour it and I missed my mouth. 00:28:21 Speaker 2: It's all over my face and I'm going daddy, and this is happening, you know, like in the middle. I support that. You know, that's your dental journey. 00:28:39 Speaker 3: And it would be sex negative of you if you didn't. 00:28:42 Speaker 2: I'm extremely sex negative. 00:28:44 Speaker 3: Sam. 00:28:45 Speaker 2: You know, I'm out on the street just shaming whoever I can see. It's fine, God, Okay, this is interesting to me. Maybe this is something that I could embrace. I'm this is an other thing within the pandemic that I've been a little like. I feel like the gum industry probably took a huge hit because people were they weren't seeing people. They're like, I don't need to be chewing gum at home. I mean, these are all things that I'm just, you know, thinking about throughout the day for no reason. But I feel like the Wrigley's people were sweating. I feel like the Dent people were freaking out. I imagine they're all the. 00:29:22 Speaker 3: Same orbit chill as hell. They're so fucking cocky. They're like, we'll be fine, two weeks to flatten the curve that was a orbit. 00:29:36 Speaker 2: I do like to chew gum. It's something that I've missed but have kind of reapproached as we've gotten a little more social. But I now have this gum that I don't know if I'm gonna chew or not, because it does I do feel like a merch gum is probably the bottom of the barrel. 00:29:55 Speaker 3: It's it can't be good. I've had I've had friends try it and they said it's fine. But I could tell. I could tell. I could tell, I could see in their eyes. 00:30:04 Speaker 2: It's peppermint flavor, which I like. 00:30:07 Speaker 3: I like. 00:30:09 Speaker 2: I don't know if it's my favorite, but maybe there's like the there's always a winter flavor that I appreciate. 00:30:14 Speaker 3: Do you have a favorite gum? Honestly, the fruit ones, like the fruity gums, but see those are not sugar free. But look, I as someone who doesn't chew gum, yeah, like my favorite gum. Like, if I'm being honest with myself, it's like, I feel like Trident did a lot of great things, like in the an orbit as well, like in the fruit space of like. 00:30:38 Speaker 2: I remember good and let's be honest, Trident was sugar free. 00:30:43 Speaker 3: They care about your teeth, yeah, yeah, or like fruit stripes more fruit stripes of. 00:30:48 Speaker 2: Course with the tattoo that just was truly putting wet ink over your arm a never never worked. No, they should have just stopped doing that, put the money somewhere else to. 00:31:00 Speaker 3: Just shut that company right down. I mean it's not good. I don't know if it's still accessible available, but it's not good. 00:31:05 Speaker 2: Yeah. The fruit Stripe and Purdue Pharmaceutical should both be shut down. Everyone in charge of those things was deeply irresponsible. 00:31:14 Speaker 3: Did you ever have bourbon chicken? Bourbon chicken from is that Purdue? Yeah? No, it's like a per Due product. Perdue. 00:31:25 Speaker 2: This is certainly a different company than the oxy Conton company. 00:31:29 Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't. 00:31:34 Speaker 2: What was bourbon chicken? So Perdue is like. 00:31:37 Speaker 3: A chicken company around American Staple. It's been around for decades and they a family owned company. Even Okay, so is Perdue Pharmaceutic Perdue family Interesting, Maybe it's the same, literally, I'm sure there's an over I'm sure it's ultimately everything is owned by Nabisco anyway, so it's all the same, you know. But they had it. They had a frozen product you could get at Costco called Bourbon chicken, and it was like a breaded kind of like a honey glaze chicken. Throw it in the microwave and I would throw that and like meatball mozzarella lean pocket into the microwave at like two in the morning on a styrofoam plate, both so hot that they burned into the styrofoam. I would peel the food off of the burnt, melted styrofoam and then put that into my mouth. Did that for years. 00:32:36 Speaker 2: No natural anything is going to save you. At this point. You have just you have got permanent damage. 00:32:42 Speaker 3: Truly. 00:32:42 Speaker 2: I mean it's like, I'm like, I'm trying to repent for what happened. Now. Were you eating those things in unison, I mean at the same. 00:32:50 Speaker 3: Time, yeah, yeah, or one after the other. It was like a nightly ritual. It was like a lean pocket chicken bourbon chicken and Will and Grace reruns every night and I'm in heaven. I'm in I'm like my parents have gone upstairs to bed, I have the hole downstairs to myself. Were like tearing into that lean pocket and really, like as much as I like want to like fast forward through my life, that was one moment I always slowed down. I always really slowed down for the for every bite flavor, you know, because it's like you get edges. The first few bites are edges and that's an experience, and then the middle bites are middle bites and that's a different sort of textual experience, and then you get back to the end and its edges again, and you're kind of back to where you started. Like it's a circle. Like eating a lean pocket is a circle. 00:33:40 Speaker 2: I eating a lean pocket is an illusion, just like time. 00:33:45 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that. 00:33:48 Speaker 2: Though I like to take small, almost mouse sized bites of my food. I really like to just spend time with whatever. 00:33:55 Speaker 3: I'm eating. 00:33:56 Speaker 2: A cookie, a single cookie, you'll take me twenty minutes to Really I'm there for the experience. I'm not there to fill my stomach. 00:34:04 Speaker 3: Wow, I shove food into my neck. It's crazy. I eat so fast. 00:34:10 Speaker 2: But you've just described say, I mean essentially starting a long term relationship with the hot pocket. 00:34:15 Speaker 3: Okay, but there's something there's something about a bar of food, like I see cliff bars, Cliff Builder bars. They're like the protein ones, And there's something about it being so finite, this beginning and an end that it would make me slow down to savor it. But generally, especially if I'm met, like at a restaurant eating something delicious and that I've never had before, it's like I'm shoveling it like the faster I can get it in, the more good. It's like, it's so silly, but I eat really fast. 00:34:43 Speaker 2: Like what type of what restaurant have you been to recently? They were just shoving food down your throat. 00:34:47 Speaker 3: I went to this fish restaurant here in La one of the best restaurants really ever. I got there, I met a friend and I got there and Benny Blonde was there. 00:35:01 Speaker 2: He's like Benny Blanco. 00:35:02 Speaker 3: I think that he's a music producer. I know him from the television program Dave. He's on day. 00:35:09 Speaker 2: Okay, Oh, I've only seen a couple of that, but I loved it. 00:35:12 Speaker 3: Oh god, I love it so much. And he was there, so I knew right away that I was at a cool, good place to be to eat. And then Tim from Tim and Eric joined him. Wow, very powerful table next to our table, and we just ordered everything. And it's fish. I'm really into fish right now. Growing up, my parents didn't like fish. We didn't eat a ton of fish. And I'm just loving it. Just feels so decadent to like go to a restaurant and order all the fish, no matter what and just eat it. And they had it was called Grandma's Bread, and it was some sort of like sour dough, like mushy but then crunchy, and they would give it to you with like a heap of butter with some salt. 00:35:56 Speaker 2: What restaurant are we talking about here? Tell me the name of it. 00:35:58 Speaker 3: It's called found Oyster. 00:36:00 Speaker 2: Oh, I've heard amazing things about found Oyster. 00:36:03 Speaker 3: Oh, okay, So the butter, it's a mound of butter with some salt and then trout row on top. Oh, that sounds incredible. And next to that sardines. 00:36:13 Speaker 2: Oh, I've never eaten a sardine, I mean neither. 00:36:15 Speaker 3: I finally had a sardine for the first time, like two weeks ago, one week ago at this restaurant is Heaven, and I knew it would be I knew would be heaven, and it was just heaven. And then we got Crudeo. God, I love CRUDEO. If it's on the menu, were getting it. I need to go to Found Oyster. It's great. It's hard to get into. Well, yes and no, only because it's it's only open Thursday to Sunday and you can't make a reservation. But that's kind of what makes it more accessible. But there's kind of a long wait, so like we had to wait like maybe a full hour, if not a little longer, Like it was a long long way. Like I wasn't hungry at all when we got there, and I was starving with them. We ate. 00:36:55 Speaker 2: I love a restaurant without a reservation. Yeah, I don't have the planning skills for a reservation. Let me just show I'm happy to wait an hour totally. It's that or like the frantic search on Rezi or whatever open table and then you're eating at four forty five. It's always you know it doesn't work for me. 00:37:15 Speaker 3: But it is a great hack for restaurants to just go when they open, like they do not want to see you, but they can't not. It's like you how many times I especially with like my parents, like because we liked they like to eat early, Like I'll eat whenever. I like to eat whenever. So I'm like, let's eat. So we'll go to dinner at like five, and like restaurants will open at five, but if you go at five, it's like what are they gonna do? Not like there's no one here and then and then the host does that thing where they're just like sweating it out and they're just like okay, well, like we're gonna need the table back by like whatever, and you're like I'm going to shove this food into my neck like we're getting outy, Like we're not gonna be here for longer. As soon when the food hits the table, it will be gone in under ten minutes, no doubt, Like like you have no like that. You simply have to let us like we're trying to give you our money, like do you want our money or not? 00:38:10 Speaker 2: Let's play a game? Okay, do you want to play a game? Called gift or a curse, or a game called gift Master. Actually, I'm not giving you a choice. Let's play gift Master. 00:38:19 Speaker 3: We haven't played it in a while. Okay, that was the one I wasn't gonna pick. I'm taking control. 00:38:25 Speaker 2: Occasionally as a host, you have to make a decision, and today I'm kind of emboldened. I don't know why this is. I need a number between one and ten from you. 00:38:35 Speaker 3: Eight. Okay, I have to do. You're gonna read me down like you're like, because you said eight, here's the following things. 00:38:43 Speaker 2: This is your personality. Yeah, no, I have to do some like calculating. And while I do that, you have the microphone. You can promote, you can recommend, you can just you know, do whatever you want. I don't care. 00:38:57 Speaker 3: Okay, I'll be right back. Are you leaving. I'm going for a drive. 00:39:02 Speaker 2: Oh okay, so I'll just I'll return twenty thirty minutes from now. I've got a sitter for the dog. So okay, just do whatever you want, whatever I want. 00:39:15 Speaker 3: I think i'm understanding the game, and basically this game is a trap. You have to yeah, keep talking, promote something. 00:39:22 Speaker 2: Yeah, I meant something. Okay, great, but why is it called? 00:39:25 Speaker 3: What was it called? 00:39:26 Speaker 2: The game hasn't even started yet. I have to do some light calculating. I have to get the game pieces. 00:39:32 Speaker 3: I thought this was the game. I thought the game was like he does a bit where he's like, Mommy's leaving, leaving you at the mic, and then you talk after you've picked the number, and I'm going, what the fuck is this game? 00:39:48 Speaker 2: It's a chance for the guests to just launch their own podcast. I just throw them in the water. Then that piece of audio is then used for their pilot episode. 00:39:56 Speaker 3: Okay, all right, so here's what I'll promote. I watched two episodes load of Reservation Dogs on Effects on Hulu, and it's great. I would recommend you watch it, and I would promote you watching it. 00:40:14 Speaker 2: Okay, okay, you've recommended a show that I've heard good things about. 00:40:18 Speaker 3: It's great. It's really great. It looks delightful. It's really good. 00:40:22 Speaker 2: And also look for Jared on the internet. You know, he's on various platforms. 00:40:28 Speaker 3: Again, he can't do anything wrong. It's incredible. 00:40:32 Speaker 2: This is how the actual game works, Jared. I'm going to name three gifts, three potential items you can give away. Then I'm going to name three celebrities and you have to tell me which one you'll give which celebrity and why does that make any sense? 00:40:47 Speaker 3: It does? 00:40:48 Speaker 2: Okay, here we go. These are the gifts you'll be giving today. Number one is a role of quarters. Number two is a trip to wine Country. That's a little bit nicer gift. And number three is a stolen vehicle. I don't know if it's stolen by you or you've recently found out it was stolen off the zoom. 00:41:13 Speaker 6: Uh. 00:41:14 Speaker 2: That's up to you. And you're gonna be giving them to the following people. Okay, we've got oh, this is a nice group of people. Actually, you've got some good ones. We've got Michael Kane, famous actor Michael Kane, Angela Bassett, fantastic actor. M h. 00:41:30 Speaker 3: I believe she's what she's doing now? 00:41:32 Speaker 2: Is she nine to one one? 00:41:33 Speaker 3: Yeah? 00:41:34 Speaker 2: Angela is doing nine one one. That show's insane, it really is. And then finally, celebrity chef and kind of restaurant tour David Chang. 00:41:45 Speaker 3: Oh do you know David Chang like Mama Fuku. 00:41:48 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, there you go. I felt like that one was a bit of a risk because not everyone knows a celebrity chef. I have to remind myself that not everyone is, you know, thinking about celebrity chefs. All. 00:41:59 Speaker 3: Yeah, But as someone who has had sardines for the first time a week ago, I'm a foodie. 00:42:09 Speaker 2: Okay, what are you going to do? 00:42:11 Speaker 3: What am I gonna do? Okay, I'm going to give the okay, the trip to wine Country. 00:42:19 Speaker 2: Wine Country, so I think we're talking, you know, Sonoma. 00:42:23 Speaker 3: My first thought was to give it to David Chang because as an appreciator of cuisine, he'll enjoy that. But I'm also starting to think now he probably like, has a really refined palette and he'll probably get there and be like this wine sucks. So maybe, so I want to give it to someone who'll appreciate it, who doesn't have such a refined palate. So I'm going to give it to Michael Kane because do you think Michael Kane is trash? Hey, you said it. I think he would just appreciate the trip. 00:43:01 Speaker 2: Yeah, he seems like, you know, he's a dignified, older gentleman who you know, British. Yeah, might appreciate a little trip to northern calif Napa. 00:43:11 Speaker 3: What have you totally. And then I would give the role of quarters to David Chang, okay, because I think it would inspire him to make a dish. And then I would give the stolen car to Angela Bassett because she is on a TV show about stolen cars. 00:43:38 Speaker 2: That feels good, that feels like to me, Angela is almost method. And you know, you get caught in these you know, network television shows that are probably fifty episodes a season. You forget who what you're doing. Suddenly she's got a stolen vehicles. It gets her back into it revives her spirit for nine to one one. It's just really doing her thing. And she probably that back to the next season and people say, have you seen the latest season of nine to one one? 00:44:03 Speaker 3: Angela? 00:44:05 Speaker 2: It's like the pilot episode. She's excited to be doing whatever you do on nine one one again. Yeah, okay, I think you played that very well. No one wins or loses on Gift Master, and that's what's so beautiful about it. You just come on. I mean, I guess Michael Kine lost a little bit because you implied at he's trash again. 00:44:25 Speaker 3: You said you said it again? Kind of wild. 00:44:30 Speaker 2: All I'm saying is that Michael Caine is trash, kind of a tacky, tasteless man. We're moving on to the next and final part of the podcast, Jared. This is called I Said No Emails people right into I Said No Gifts at gmail dot com. Every one of them has some situation that they've decided to involve me in. They've decided to bring the guests into it. Their problems are now our problems and we have to solve them. Will you help me answer a question? I will okay, this says deer Bridger and Treasured Guests. So this person is kind of already looking out for you. They're saying, I live in Ontario, Canada, where we are saddled with shoveling snow on and off through the winter months. We moved to a new town a year ago. This past winter, one of our new neighbors, a retired gentleman with a snowblower, voluntarily cleared everyone's driveway on the street whenever the snowfall was particularly heavy heavy the way that. 00:45:30 Speaker 3: I've already zoned out, well this is I'm like, oh, pay attention, we are a third of the way through this. 00:45:40 Speaker 2: Ah this this man has plowed the snow about five times. 00:45:45 Speaker 5: You're giving me spark notes for it. This is a little empathy I have. This person said Gravity's rainbow as they call me a treasure, and I can't even listen to their story. 00:46:00 Speaker 3: Anyway. 00:46:00 Speaker 2: I thanked him for this a few times in person, and towards the end of the season, left a thank you card containing a twenty five dollars gift card to the liquor. 00:46:08 Speaker 3: Store on his front porch. 00:46:09 Speaker 2: Even though it's very hot and humid in odd Ontario at the moment, I'm already anticipating and worrying about the upcoming snow blowing slash gratitude situation. Assuming my neighbor clears our driveway again this winter? Do I need to give him another thank you card and gift doesn't matter how many times he does it. Do you have any gift suggestions? All I know about him is that he owns a boat, likes to fish, and fusses around in his garage a lot. Thanks in advance for your wisdom. Love the show that's Jen in Ontario. Jen, what a situation we have on our hands. With this email alone, You've bored Jared to death. He took up some crocheting while I was breathing. 00:46:54 Speaker 3: He's just had it. 00:46:56 Speaker 2: Meanwhile, I'm so engaged with your question, and I'm look this snowblower. This guy sounds like he loves doing it. The fact that you gave him anything is it was a huge bonus to begin with. This sounds like a hobby for this guy. He's I mean, doing the entire neighborhood. 00:47:12 Speaker 3: Is that what we're hearing. 00:47:13 Speaker 2: Let's see everyone's driveway on the street. So I think that this guy loves for him. The gift is getting to do it at all. You don't have to thank him, You've already given him a twenty five dollars gift card to the liquor store. I do think just the fact that you have a driveway at all is the little thank you. If you were to, like say, would you stop it, that would be a problem. But he loves getting on that snowblower. Do you get on a snowblower? This guy's you driving a snowblower. Otherwise he's got great calves and is pushing that thing up and down the neighborhood. Jared, what do you think have you ever blown snow on a driveway? I haven't shoveled snow. 00:47:58 Speaker 3: I also have it. 00:48:00 Speaker 2: It's the most miserable thing on the planet. 00:48:02 Speaker 3: That's what I hear. I hear my parents. They tell me all about like how they still live in New York and they they their comedy career has never really took off, so they stayed there. Oh my god, they're. 00:48:19 Speaker 2: Still doing open mics and long eyvany. 00:48:21 Speaker 3: They're at the creek in the cave. I'm like, guys, it's closed. It's not there anymore. They're like, where's the bucket. Yeah, it's like it's really they my mom and like hurts her back. So I'm always telling her. I'm like, get on task rabbit and get someone to come do it. They'll do it. They're happy to do it, Like same thing. They're happy, like they're happy that you can give them, give them some money, give them a little treat, and they're they're great. You don't have to do it. You can spare your back, you can just you can watch them do it from the comfort of your home. 00:48:53 Speaker 2: You've never done it as like a team where your parents out there doing it and you were playing video games. 00:48:59 Speaker 3: My parents like famously never made us do chores. We never had chores to do. And I remember like, I uh never did laundry till college. And when I got to college, everyone was. 00:49:12 Speaker 6: Like, you've never done laundry. Oh my god, Drew, are you a baby? You've never doing gundry. 00:49:24 Speaker 3: And I was like, oh my god, I've never done laundry. This is so embarrassing. I'm such a bad person. I'm never gonna be an adult on my own. How could I ever figure out how to use a laundry machine. I did it once, and I was like, this is it? This is so fucking easy. You guys are so annoying. 00:49:46 Speaker 2: And now no one does their lawn, you know what I mean. 00:49:49 Speaker 3: It's like just no one is even doing their laundry in college, like and they were like just living in filth because I think because their parents were making them do laundry all their lives, so they resented it. They's not doing it. I mean, while I've never done it once in my life, I'm a damn laundry star. 00:50:03 Speaker 2: Doing the laundry truly is barely a task. Yeah, the folding. 00:50:08 Speaker 3: Is the folding. We got to work on that, We got to fix it. 00:50:11 Speaker 2: I mean, it's a it's an activity. But I don't even I WoT even describe it quite as labor. It's you know, if you've got to spare half an hour, you can fold your laundry. Yeah, yeah, And then the rest is putting it in a machine and pushing a I mean separating and putting in a machine and pushing. 00:50:25 Speaker 3: You don't even have to separate it. 00:50:27 Speaker 2: Well, you literally don't, is that thing? 00:50:30 Speaker 3: You literally don't have to separate it. 00:50:32 Speaker 2: The shirt, the gray shirt you're currently wearing, used to be a pristine white. 00:50:37 Speaker 3: It was actually purple. 00:50:37 Speaker 2: At one point, back to poor Jen, she's you know, she's been panicking all year. Jen, you know, make a like let this guy do it. You know you can't thank him every time. That's just going to ruin you financially. And then at some point it's like, why aren't you just paying someone to do it? Wait till the end of the season and then show up with a baked good, show up with or do an occasional baked good, or at the end of the season, show up with like I don't know, a bottle of wine or something, Thank you so much, give him some nice gloves. I don't know this guy's sick. 00:51:14 Speaker 3: But I do understand the pressure around that, like you want building, Like if I if I made the choice to give a gift at the end every time he snow blue? 00:51:29 Speaker 2: What is the verb? I mean, what's the past snow? 00:51:33 Speaker 3: But I would feel really like insecure about him, thinking like wow, all winter, I've been snow blowing and she's not going to give me anything. And I'd be like that would that would drive me nuts? That would drive me nuts. Like one time I was with a group of friends and like we were splitting a bill, and for whatever reason, it was like they were just like you just you just get the tip. Remember that was like a thing for a while. 00:51:58 Speaker 2: Splitting a bill will till the day I die caused me so much anxiety. 00:52:03 Speaker 3: Yeah, I like to I just don't even do right now. I'm just like, let's just split it down. It's like we'll split it. And then even if I got more, I'm like, oho care, just we'll split it. That's fine, Like you'll you'll get me later, you know. And then I went on a date with a guy who was so great and nice and just was simply not interested in me, and his way of letting me know was like needing to split the bill like exactly. I was like, I got it, I got it. It's fine, And like in my mind, I'm like, please, I know you don't want to see me again, and I won't make you or even try, but please, just like, don't just don't embarrass don't humiliate me on Lorimer Street right now? Can you please just let me pay this bill? 00:52:38 Speaker 2: It's eighty the waiter to think that we had a great times. 00:52:42 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like, I just keep the forty dollars and please just don't humiliate me. But he was like, and he was just like you, I will have no financial tie to you at any point. I was like, oh man, even me so fast. It was vicious with this like this mounting guilt. 00:53:03 Speaker 2: I think you just have to reframe it in your mind. And you think, if he's mad at me for not thanking him every time, that's his situation and he's going to feel so stupid at the end of the season when I give him a gift. Yeah, And you just have to think, eventually, this person's gonna feel shame and then you own that and you feel great and it's empowering. 00:53:21 Speaker 3: There you go, and that's how you dumb somebody who's helping you. 00:53:27 Speaker 2: Jen, You've gotten a you know, perfect piece of advice, multiple pieces of advice here, and you can't ask for anything else. Now you have to start thinking about how to thank us. And so now you've got multiple people in your life. This is going to probably I don't want to say, I hate the only word I can currently think of. It feels like a pond, but it's going to snowball and it's going to just get bigger and bigger until it crushes you. And that's the risk you run when you write into this podcast a ruined life. 00:54:00 Speaker 3: Truly, Jared, this is. 00:54:03 Speaker 2: The end of the podcast. The listener is just learning this. You're just learning this. I need a minute to process this, I know, and so I'll give you twenty. We'll just stretch this out extended, kind of just slow exit from the podcast. I do have this gum now, I'll probably put it in my bag for the biggest emergency possible when all of my name brand gum goes out the window. I turned to Goldstein Peppermint. Yeah, you can buy some from Jared. It's forty five dollars a pack. Yeah, look, listener, Well, first, Jared, thank you for the gum. I should thank you first. I've had a wonderful time. I've made that very clear. And now I'm going to turn to the listener. 00:54:50 Speaker 3: This is and you only have one listener, is the thing, Cheryl. 00:54:57 Speaker 2: I'm leaving and you have no one left to uh talk to for the rest of the day. I know you kind of use this podcast as a back and forth. You speak while I'm speaking, and kind of that's fine. Eventually you're going to find someone else, and until then, you've gotten until next week to figure out your life. Get it together. I'm cheering for you. I'm always here for you. I'm your biggest cheerleader. This is the end of the podcast. 00:55:25 Speaker 3: Goodbye. 00:55:31 Speaker 2: I Said No Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced and engineered by our dear friend Analyse Nelson, and the theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. You must follow the show on Instagram at I Said No Gifts. That's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. 00:55:52 Speaker 3: You have to see the gifts. 00:55:54 Speaker 2: Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever you found me, and why not leave a review while you're there. It's really the least you could do considering everything I do for you. And if you're interested in advertising on the show, go to mideral dot com slash ads. 00:56:14 Speaker 1: And I invited you, hear Gonta made myself perfectly clear. But you're a guest to my home. You gotta come to me empty and a sertain no guest. Your presences presents enough, and I already had too much stuff. So how did you dan to surbey me?