WEBVTT - 6 Communication Mistakes We Make in Relationships and How to Fix Them 0:00:00.640 --> 0:00:06.000 How can we share honestly with love? Ask yourself that 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:08.039 always when you're going to share something, how can you 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:09.840 share it with love? I've been thinking about this a 0:00:09.840 --> 0:00:13.760 lot lately. Also, is that love is what changes someone's 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:17.360 life and heart. There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:20.080 where he said that the people who need the most 0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:32.200 love often ask for it in the most unloving way. Hey, everyone, 0:00:32.280 --> 0:00:35.239 welcome back to Our Purpose, the number one health podcast 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:37.839 in the world, and I just want to start off 0:00:37.880 --> 0:00:41.760 by saying welcome to all of our listeners who've always 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:45.680 been with us, and welcome to all of our new listeners. 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:50.080 I am blown away by just how many incredible new 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:53.760 listeners we've had in the last seven to ten days, 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:55.680 and I want to thank you all for joining me 0:00:55.720 --> 0:00:58.520 on this journey. I really hope that on Purpose is 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:01.800 serving you. I really hope and believe that on Purpose 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:04.360 is trying to help you get to the next level 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:07.000 in your life. And I am just so grateful that 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:09.679 you're taking the time to be present here with me. 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:13.880 Every single week, we have new episodes on Monday and Friday. 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:17.800 We have hundreds of episode in our library with some 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:21.480 phenomenal guests and themes and topics that I truly believe 0:01:21.720 --> 0:01:25.520 will be powerful even this year. And of course you're 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:27.959 here right now. Thank you for tuning in, Thank you 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:30.399 for being here, Thank you for leaving reviews. They mean 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:34.160 so much to podcasters, And when I read your reviews, 0:01:34.200 --> 0:01:36.800 I feel so humbled, I feel so grateful, and I 0:01:36.840 --> 0:01:40.640 feel so touched, And it, truly, truly is phenomenal to 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.959 see the love that you all have for this show. 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:49.080 So today I want to dive straight in because we 0:01:49.200 --> 0:01:53.680 all know when we think about the question what defines 0:01:54.360 --> 0:02:00.120 the quality of our life, the number one answer is relationships. 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:04.600 The studies say it, the science says it, the spiritual 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:10.720 text say it. Relationships are what creates quality, meaning in 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:13.800 our life. And when you ask yourself the question, well, 0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:18.960 what makes a good relationship, the answer is people say love, 0:02:19.280 --> 0:02:25.160 people say trust, and truly it's communication. Communication is the 0:02:25.200 --> 0:02:30.760 heartbeat of a relationship, and relationships are the heartbeat of 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:35.760 our lives. What makes a good life good relationships? What 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:41.919 makes good relationships good communication? So today's episode is dedicated 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:46.799 to the communication mistakes and mishaps in our life and 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.280 how to improve them. Now I'm going to get really specific, 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:52.000 really dialed in. We're going to look at some fascinating 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:55.120 research as while in this space, and I want to 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.000 make sure that you take an opportunity to journal, make notes, 0:02:58.040 --> 0:03:01.440 take screenshots, whatever it is that works for you. So 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:04.760 let's dive straight in. When we think about mistakes we 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:09.880 make in our communication, in our relationships. Maybe some of 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:12.920 the mistakes you make you don't even know you're making. 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:14.520 And I'm going to be sharing a lot of mistakes 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:17.679 today that you may not even be aware are mistakes, 0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:21.280 and we're really not aware of the consequences or the 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:26.400 damaging effects of that kind of language and communication. Now, 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:28.840 there are other mistakes we make where I know you're 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:31.480 already thinking, Jay, how do you know? Why do you know? 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:34.680 I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I'm already aware, 0:03:34.960 --> 0:03:37.600 but I'm struggling to make the shift. I'm struggling to 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:40.080 actually figure this out. And we're going to dive into 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:43.160 both of those today. So here's the first mistake we make. 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:49.280 When our partner is sharing their pain, we choose to complain. 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:55.120 Don't complain when they're sharing their pain. Their moment of 0:03:55.280 --> 0:04:01.000 vulnerability should be received with empathy, not with your complaint. 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:05.120 If your partner is complaining about their pain and what 0:04:05.200 --> 0:04:09.000 they're experiencing. That is not your opportunity and your moment 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:12.480 to share what you're struggling with. Let's say your partner 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:14.640 comes home from work and you come home from work 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:16.680 at the same time, and they say to you, I 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:19.120 had a really tough day to day. That is not 0:04:19.160 --> 0:04:21.960 the time to say I had a really tough day too. 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:24.640 That is not the time to say I've had a 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:28.200 tough week. That is not the time to say, tell 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:31.240 me about it. I feel the same every week. That 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:34.120 is not the time to say, yeah, I need to 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:37.240 tell you about this. That's the time to say, tell 0:04:37.279 --> 0:04:40.840 me more, what's going on? How are you feeling? Do 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:45.120 you want to talk about it? Those simple switches creates space. 0:04:45.240 --> 0:04:51.960 We think that our pain connected to their pain creates space. Actually, 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:56.160 when we meet their pain with our pain, we remove space. 0:04:56.400 --> 0:05:00.559 We remove the sanctity and the sacredness of what's about 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:04.520 to happen in this vulnerable, intimate, connected moment with someone 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:09.039 we love. When we're able to accept that they want 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:13.800 to share their pain, let's meet this with compassion, with empathy, 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:18.680 with openness, Let's ask them about it. You actually develop 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:22.599 your relationship. Now, why do we do this? Why do 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:26.360 we choose to complain when someone else shares their pain. 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:30.200 The first thing is we've been suppressing it. We've been 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:32.680 keeping it locked inside because we didn't want to bother someone. 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:34.320 We want it to be a people pleased that. We 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:37.479 didn't want to weigh someone down. So we've been holding 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:39.760 it all in and now as soon as someone's open up, 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:42.640 we open up too. So we're opening up not because 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:45.120 someone hasn't allowed us to open up, but because we 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:48.159 haven't allowed ourselves to open up. So the moment you 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:52.599 spot that psychologically someone else has given themselves permission to 0:05:52.720 --> 0:05:56.320 be vulnerable and open, you finally give yourself permission. The 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:59.800 only issue is you're giving yourself permission at a time 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:03.560 when their pain needs to be a priority. So that's 0:06:03.600 --> 0:06:06.200 one of the reasons why we do it. Another reason 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:08.799 why we do it is because we want to be seen, 0:06:08.960 --> 0:06:11.400 We want to be heard. We want to feel like 0:06:11.839 --> 0:06:14.640 we can get some empathy and sympathy too. We want 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:17.839 to feel like we can get some love and understanding too. 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:20.040 We feel, well, if they want some love and understanding 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:22.680 right now, I need some too. I'm struggling, I'm carrying 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:25.200 all this weight, I'm dealing with all this going on 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:28.839 right now and they don't even know. But again, our 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:32.920 sharing in that moment doesn't get the response we want 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:36.320 because what the other person now feels is they don't 0:06:36.320 --> 0:06:38.560 really want to listen to me, or if they're really 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:40.480 loving and caring, they then shift it on to us 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:43.960 and we forget about them. Take a moment to say, 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:46.520 tell me more, do you want to talk about it, 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:51.400 how's it going, what's up? Walk through it? And then 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:53.599 ask them, hey, how actually wanted to tell you about 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:57.159 my day? Two? When's the best time? When you've just 0:06:57.279 --> 0:07:01.560 helped someone through something, it's an instinctual response to say, 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:03.640 all right, well, let's talk about me now or let's 0:07:03.680 --> 0:07:07.599 focus on me now, and that kind of ping pong 0:07:08.160 --> 0:07:13.000 pain reflection doesn't really solve the problem because that person 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:17.240 is still processing and digesting what you've just shared and 0:07:17.280 --> 0:07:21.320 what you've learned together, and now asking them to focus 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:26.280 on you distracts them from their pain. Don't complain when 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:28.960 they're sharing their pain. It's a big mistake we make 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:33.000 in our relationships and something we can easily solve. We 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:37.440 just have to resist the urge of being validated in 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:40.480 that moment and in that time, knowing that we'll actually 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:44.960 be better validated if we postpone the sharing of how 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:49.320 we feel. Mistake number two. A lot of people are 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:53.880 scared to say they need distance or space from their partner. 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.120 Raise your hands right now if you enjoy alone time 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.240 or your own friend time away from your partner. I 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:02.920 am guessing that nearly every person who's listening right now 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:04.640 is raising their hands. Even if you're walking a dog, 0:08:04.960 --> 0:08:06.760 or you're editing, or you're cooking food, as long as 0:08:06.760 --> 0:08:08.560 you're not driving, Please do not do this. If your 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:11.800 dramming everyone else raise your hand, and all of us 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:13.960 have raised your hands. We all enjoy alone time, we 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:17.120 all enjoy our time in solitude. But here's what we 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:19.320 do wrong. We say to our partner or I just 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:21.560 need space this weekend. Oh you know what, I just 0:08:21.600 --> 0:08:25.760 need some time out. When we say that, most people 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:29.200 hear that and they take it personally. They think you 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:35.280 want space from them. They think you want distance from them, 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:38.000 And really, what you're saying is I want space for 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:42.120 myself right like, when I say I want space, I'm 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:44.679 not saying I want space from anyone else. That may 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:46.600 be part of it. But what I'm really saying is 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:50.480 I want space for myself to do some reading, to 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:53.880 do some journaling, to dive into some meditation, to do 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:58.640 some work, whatever it may be. Communicate why you need 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:02.920 space and what you are using it for. If you 0:09:03.040 --> 0:09:06.360 simply say what you want but not why you want 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:09.560 it or how you're going to use it, that what 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:14.120 can be massively misinterpreted. So many people in relationships are 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:17.320 struggling because they tell their partner what they want, but 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:20.000 not why they want it or how they're going to 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:21.520 use it. If you say to your partner, I just 0:09:21.559 --> 0:09:22.880 want time now, you may be saying, well, Jay, your 0:09:22.880 --> 0:09:26.720 partner should just understand. Sure, great if they do. But 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:30.040 the majority of us love an explanation. The majority of 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:33.080 us would love some clarity. And actually, if we don't 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:37.800 provide clarity, we let the other person populate the open space. 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:44.359 And when someone populates with their imagination and their fatigue, right, imagination, 0:09:44.440 --> 0:09:48.320 fatigue are a terrible recipe. Like those are bad ingredients 0:09:48.320 --> 0:09:51.240 when they go together. If you're tired and exhausted and 0:09:51.320 --> 0:09:54.080 you let your imagination loose, chances are you're going to 0:09:54.120 --> 0:09:58.480 come to a pretty scary realization or a pretty scary takeaway. 0:09:58.960 --> 0:10:01.240 And that's why a lot of people, when they're tired 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:04.400 and their imagination runs wild and they hear the words 0:10:04.440 --> 0:10:07.960 I need space, they go, oh, they bored me. Oh 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:10.160 they don't want to be around me. Oh, maybe I'm 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:13.679 not interesting enough. And self doubt is such a big 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:15.640 thing that we all deal with that we can't just 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:20.240 expect our partners to be fully secure, confident human beings. 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:24.680 If you expect your partner to be a fully evolved, mature, 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:29.920 emotionally intelligent, confident human being, we're kidding ourselves because the 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:33.400 truth is we are not that either. So don't expect 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:38.240 that completion and perfection from your partner and fill in 0:10:38.280 --> 0:10:41.079 the gaps for them. Help answer some of those questions, 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.280 help color it in a little bit by providing a 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:46.960 little bit of clarity. What do you lose? Sure it 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:49.000 affects your ego, Sure it affects your desire that we 0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:51.320 should just understand each other, We should be able to 0:10:51.320 --> 0:10:54.880 read each other's minds. But why do we want to 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:57.320 do that? Why not help them out? Why not give 0:10:57.400 --> 0:11:00.360 really clear direction as to what we're going to do? 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:04.040 Now with this point, I also want to make the 0:11:04.080 --> 0:11:07.920 principle clear that it is healthy to spend time apart. 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:13.240 Study show that healthy relationships follow the seventy thirty rule, 0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:16.920 So the most harmonious relationships spend about seventy percent of 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:20.079 their time together and thirty percent of their time apart. Now, 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:23.040 this has been really difficult during the pandemic because we've 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:27.040 all been around each other more than ever. But as 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:29.280 things begin to open up, it's really healthy to think, well, 0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:31.760 how can we spend seventy percent of our time? Now, 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:34.320 this doesn't just apply to work. I believe it applies 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:37.360 to our evenings and our weekends as well. And making 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:40.160 sure that your partner gets away for a weekend with 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:42.079 their friends or on their own, and making sure you 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:45.120 get away on your own or with your friends is 0:11:45.120 --> 0:11:48.840 a really healthy commitment to make once a year, make 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:52.679 sure your partner has time to go away with their friends, 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:55.880 and make sure you have time to go away with 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:58.760 your friends. Now you may say, well, Jay, where does 0:11:58.760 --> 0:12:00.960 the time come for that? Even if it's three days, 0:12:01.000 --> 0:12:02.960 even if it's just a weekend, even if it's just 0:12:03.120 --> 0:12:07.959 a day, it's so healthy to take that time apart 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:13.680 for each other, for yourself, for your children, for every 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:17.320 single person. If involved in this relationship, and I think 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:20.960 we're so scared that spending time apart actually will pull 0:12:21.040 --> 0:12:23.960 us apart. But spending time apart can actually pull you 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:29.960 closer together and brings you back to this really beautiful connection. Now, 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.920 the next mistake we make in our relationships is we 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:41.440 use what I call unsafe or unhealthy language. Language that 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:45.960 pertains to things ending, language that pertains to things being over, 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:52.640 language that borderline's threatening. Any language that puts the relationship 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:57.680 into question, or puts your connection into question, or makes broad, 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:02.840 overarching statements that are not factually correct can be really 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:06.120 damaging in a relationship. Things like, well, I guess it's over, Then, 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:10.200 well I guess you're over me. Well, it seems like 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:14.560 you don't care at all anymore. That's not really true, 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:17.200 is it right? That's not really true. Does someone not 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:21.320 care anymore at all? You may feel that way, but 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:25.040 is that reality. We need to look at what's real 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:29.000 as different from how we feel. You may feel that 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:33.760 someone doesn't care anymore, but investigate that feeling a bit 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:37.000 deeper yourself before you communicate it. One of the biggest 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:41.720 mistakes we make is we communicate our feelings without investigating 0:13:41.720 --> 0:13:45.160 them or without being curious about them. If we get 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:47.280 curious and investigate, Okay, well, I feel like they don't 0:13:47.280 --> 0:13:51.360 care about me anymore at all. Let me investigate that. Okay, 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:54.960 that's not true. Last week, when they brought me dinner, 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:58.440 they ordered dinner, I could tell they cared about me. Okay, 0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:00.680 you know what this morning, actually, they they asked me 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:02.760 if I know if I wanted to sleep in a 0:14:02.840 --> 0:14:05.320 little more. Okay, So let me investigate it. Okay. So 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:08.240 when do I feel that way? Okay? Well, when they 0:14:08.280 --> 0:14:10.440 come home late from work, that's when I feel that way. Okay, 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:13.400 when they don't clean up after dinner, that's when I 0:14:13.440 --> 0:14:15.800 feel that way. So it's not that they don't care 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:18.240 at all, it's that there are times of the day 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:22.200 when I feel they don't care. What don't they care about? 0:14:23.200 --> 0:14:25.480 I feel like they don't care about my time. Okay. 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:27.560 So it's not that they don't care at all. It's 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:30.000 that there are certain times that I don't feel they 0:14:30.040 --> 0:14:32.800 care about my time. Now, when you communicate to them, 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:34.560 you say, hey, there are a couple of times a 0:14:34.680 --> 0:14:38.560 day where I feel you don't care about my time. 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.880 But I also want to acknowledge there are times this 0:14:41.920 --> 0:14:44.920 week that you've made me feel so loved, You've made 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:49.560 me feel so appreciated, But I wanted to understand why 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:52.000 you do certain things and how that makes me feel 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:55.920 at those times. Notice how you are communicating and having 0:14:55.960 --> 0:15:01.800 a completely different conversation. Now, this is, without a doubt, 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:05.600 one of the biggest issues in relationships, because what we're 0:15:05.600 --> 0:15:08.000 doing is we do none of the thinking and expect 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:10.240 our partner to do all the thinking. So we just 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:12.640 want to feel and we want our partners to think 0:15:12.680 --> 0:15:15.360 and feel. We don't want to do any thinking, we 0:15:15.400 --> 0:15:17.240 don't want to do any reflecting, we don't want to 0:15:17.240 --> 0:15:19.600 do any introspecting, and we go and dump all of 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.640 it onto them and we expect them to think, feel, 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:26.000 reflect and introspect in that moment. Now, when you go 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:27.560 to that person and say, hey, I don't feel you 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:29.800 care at all, the first thing that comes to their 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:32.720 mind is, but I I just brought you coffee this morning. 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:35.040 And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, but that's 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:36.840 not what I mean. And they're like, but what do 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:38.120 you mean? Like I would have done it for you 0:15:38.200 --> 0:15:40.640 last week, Like you know, I was looking out for you. 0:15:40.680 --> 0:15:42.840 I knew you're working hard and you're like, yea, yeah, 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:44.200 but not that that's not what I mean. So then 0:15:44.200 --> 0:15:46.800 they're saying, well, give me an example, and now you 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:50.720 go into something when they're already on the defensive. You're 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:52.720 on the offensive and trying to prove a point, and 0:15:52.760 --> 0:15:54.760 now you get lost in an argument that no one 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:59.400 wants to be in. Don't use unsafe, threatening, or unhealthy 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:05.040 language in your relationship. It will truly create so many 0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:09.960 dents and so many blemishes, and so many cuts and 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:14.200 wounds that they're really hard to repair and heal. Don't 0:16:14.960 --> 0:16:18.240 put your partner in a position where you're not noticing 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:23.520 the good as well as noticing the challenges, and recognize 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:26.480 that when you share the challenges, make sure you also 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:29.840 share the positives and the powerful things that they do, 0:16:30.200 --> 0:16:34.720 because otherwise someone feels underappreciated, someone feels completely unlooked at 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:38.800 or overlooked. I want to share with you the biggest 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:44.040 news of the year. How many of you want to meditate? 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:46.240 I can see your heads nodding, I can see you 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:49.040 raising your hands. I can see you saying, yesterday, I 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:51.440 really want to learn to meditate. How many of you 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:57.040 would like to learn to meditate? With me? Every single day. Now, 0:16:57.160 --> 0:16:59.080 I already know what the answer is because I know 0:16:59.360 --> 0:17:03.240 how many men messages DMS reviews notes that I get 0:17:03.280 --> 0:17:06.080 saying Jay, I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:09.600 we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.960 forty days live and twenty million of you tuned in. 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:17.480 Now I am taking that same focus, that same presence 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:21.719 to Calm. I've partnered up with Calm to release a 0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:25.520 new series called The Daily J where you can meditate 0:17:25.520 --> 0:17:29.160 with me every single day for seven minutes to make 0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:31.679 it a real habit. I would love for you to 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:34.639 come and join me and take part in building a 0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:38.439 really powerful meditation practice. And guess what, We're going to 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:41.600 do it together? Head over right now Atcalm dot com 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:45.280 forward slash J to get forty percent off a premium membership. 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:51.000 That's Calm dot com Forward slash J. Point number four 0:17:52.000 --> 0:18:00.360 is honesty plus love. Honesty plus love has to be 0:18:00.440 --> 0:18:03.720 the way it works. I've been reading this great book 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:09.040 called The Culture Code, and there's a brilliant example of 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:12.760 it of the San Antonio Spurs coach Popovich. Now, I 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:16.120 didn't know who this individual was because I'm not as 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:19.119 familiar with basketball in the history in basketball as I 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:22.520 am with football or soccer, but this really stuck out 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:24.080 to me and I wanted to share this with you. 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:28.680 This is from the book called The Culture Code, and 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:31.920 when they interviewed his assistant coach, he said, a lot 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:35.240 of coaches can yell or be nice, but what Pop 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:39.919 does is different. Says assistant coach Chip England. He delivers 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:43.359 two things over and over. He'll tell you the truth 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:46.879 and then he'll love you to death. And I think 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:51.000 when we bring these two things together, when we unify 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:55.879 this approach in our language with our partners, it transforms 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:58.200 everything because what we do is one or the other. 0:18:58.200 --> 0:19:00.320 We either love them to death but inside where we're 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:02.880 not happy with what they're doing, or we're honest with them, 0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:07.080 but then we don't share that love, that attention, that absorption. 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:09.720 And so I think that's really important for us to 0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:13.840 think about, is how can we share honestly with love? 0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.840 Ask yourself that always when you're gonna share something, how 0:19:16.840 --> 0:19:18.560 can you share it with love? I've been thinking about 0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.080 this a lot lately. Also, is that love is what 0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:25.080 changes someone's life and heart. There's a beautiful quote by 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:27.800 Russell Barkley where he said that the people who need 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.720 the most love often ask for it in the most 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:35.159 unloving ways. Let that blow your mind for a moment. 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:37.920 He said that the people who need the most love 0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:42.600 often ask for it in the most unloving ways. When 0:19:42.640 --> 0:19:46.040 you see someone acting out of arrogance, when you see 0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:49.560 someone acting out of cockiness, when you see someone acting 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:57.400 out of bravado or insecurity or vanity, or pressure or stress, 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:01.000 what they're really seeking is love. So if you meet 0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:03.520 their ego with more ego, what does it do? It 0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:07.360 just compounds the ego. If you meet their pain with 0:20:07.400 --> 0:20:09.760 more pain, what does it do Just it increases the pain. 0:20:10.320 --> 0:20:14.440 If you meet their arrogance or their insecurity with more insecurity, 0:20:14.640 --> 0:20:18.879 it just doubles insecurity. But if you meet their insecurity, 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:23.920 their vanity, their ego, their pain with love and honesty, 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.240 you've just given them what they're actually asking for without 0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:31.480 even knowing they're asking for it. Love is undefeatable. And 0:20:31.520 --> 0:20:34.359 you may say, well, that person doesn't deserve love. They're 0:20:34.359 --> 0:20:36.919 not acting in a way where they deserve love. Now. 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:39.560 Of course, as a caveat, I always recommend if someone 0:20:39.640 --> 0:20:45.359 is being physically, mentally, psychologically, verbally abusive, this does not apply, 0:20:45.440 --> 0:20:48.400 and I would recommend getting professional help to take care 0:20:48.400 --> 0:20:51.880 of that situation. But in our arguments of the day 0:20:51.920 --> 0:20:56.879 to day, we have to realize that ultimately everyone is 0:20:56.920 --> 0:21:03.920 simply seeking love. Now point number five, if you're going 0:21:04.000 --> 0:21:07.159 to tell them how you want them to improve, you 0:21:07.320 --> 0:21:11.600 have to tell them and communicate that you believe they can. 0:21:12.400 --> 0:21:15.480 One of the biggest mistakes we make when we're giving 0:21:15.520 --> 0:21:17.960 feedback or sharing things that we want our partner to 0:21:18.000 --> 0:21:20.639 work on or improve on, we put them down. We 0:21:20.680 --> 0:21:23.600 say you never do this, you always do this. You know, well, 0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:25.720 look at so and So's partner. They don't do stuff 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:29.280 like this, and none of it is actually building confidence 0:21:29.359 --> 0:21:32.760 or making them feel they can do it. Now, this 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:36.960 study researchers discovered, and this was also from the book 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:39.600 The Culture Code that I Loved, researchers discovered that one 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:44.360 particular form of feedback boosted student effort and performance so 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:49.240 immensely that they deemed it magical feedback. Students who received 0:21:49.320 --> 0:21:53.080 it chose to revise their papers far more often than 0:21:53.200 --> 0:21:57.800 students who did not, and their performance improved significantly. The 0:21:57.960 --> 0:22:02.359 feedback was not complicated. In fact, it consisted of one 0:22:02.600 --> 0:22:05.399 simple phrase, Now before I share that one simple phrase 0:22:05.440 --> 0:22:08.360 with you. Think about this. Students are beginning given feedback 0:22:08.359 --> 0:22:11.320 on their papers, and this one simple phrase is making 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:14.480 them perform better. Can you guess what it is? This 0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:16.959 is what it is. Listen to this. I'm giving you 0:22:17.040 --> 0:22:21.760 these comments because I have very high expectations and I 0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:25.240 know that you can reach them. That's it, the author 0:22:25.240 --> 0:22:29.440 says in Culture Code, Daniel Coyle just nineteen words. None 0:22:29.440 --> 0:22:32.640 of these words contain any information on how to improve. 0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:35.919 Yet they are powerful because they deliver a burst of 0:22:36.000 --> 0:22:39.680 belonging cues. Actually, when you look more closely at the sentence, 0:22:39.920 --> 0:22:43.920 it contains three separate cues, says Daniel Coyle. Number one, 0:22:44.000 --> 0:22:46.480 you are part of this group. Number two, this group 0:22:46.520 --> 0:22:49.840 is special. We have high standards here. Number three, I 0:22:49.880 --> 0:22:54.200 believe you can reach those standards. He says, Here is 0:22:54.240 --> 0:22:58.440 a safe place to give effort. Notice how when we 0:22:58.640 --> 0:23:03.439 give feed back to our partners, we don't say this 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:04.800 is a safe stay. We said, well, this is what 0:23:04.840 --> 0:23:06.520 I want, this is what I need. That's just the 0:23:06.520 --> 0:23:08.040 way it is. What does that sound like? It sounds 0:23:08.040 --> 0:23:10.520 like an ultimatum. And guess what, Well, I don't think 0:23:10.520 --> 0:23:12.199 you can. I mean you never do, you never have. 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:14.520 I keep telling you this. Look at that language and 0:23:14.560 --> 0:23:18.960 what it creates. It creates an unsafe environment for someone 0:23:19.000 --> 0:23:21.040 to change, for someone to grow, for someone to build, 0:23:21.040 --> 0:23:24.600 for someone to heal. Tell them you believe they can. 0:23:25.359 --> 0:23:27.480 When you say something, you say, hey, I really want 0:23:27.480 --> 0:23:30.359