1 00:00:00,640 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: How can we share honestly with love? Ask yourself that 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: always when you're going to share something, how can you 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: share it with love? I've been thinking about this a 4 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: lot lately. Also, is that love is what changes someone's 5 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,360 Speaker 1: life and heart. There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley 6 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:20,080 Speaker 1: where he said that the people who need the most 7 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:32,200 Speaker 1: love often ask for it in the most unloving way. Hey, everyone, 8 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,239 Speaker 1: welcome back to Our Purpose, the number one health podcast 9 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:37,839 Speaker 1: in the world, and I just want to start off 10 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:41,760 Speaker 1: by saying welcome to all of our listeners who've always 11 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,680 Speaker 1: been with us, and welcome to all of our new listeners. 12 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: I am blown away by just how many incredible new 13 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: listeners we've had in the last seven to ten days, 14 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,680 Speaker 1: and I want to thank you all for joining me 15 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: on this journey. I really hope that on Purpose is 16 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: serving you. I really hope and believe that on Purpose 17 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: is trying to help you get to the next level 18 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: in your life. And I am just so grateful that 19 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,679 Speaker 1: you're taking the time to be present here with me. 20 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: Every single week, we have new episodes on Monday and Friday. 21 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 1: We have hundreds of episode in our library with some 22 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 1: phenomenal guests and themes and topics that I truly believe 23 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: will be powerful even this year. And of course you're 24 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,959 Speaker 1: here right now. Thank you for tuning in, Thank you 25 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,399 Speaker 1: for being here, Thank you for leaving reviews. They mean 26 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: so much to podcasters, And when I read your reviews, 27 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,800 Speaker 1: I feel so humbled, I feel so grateful, and I 28 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 1: feel so touched, And it, truly, truly is phenomenal to 29 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,959 Speaker 1: see the love that you all have for this show. 30 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: So today I want to dive straight in because we 31 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 1: all know when we think about the question what defines 32 00:01:54,360 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 1: the quality of our life, the number one answer is relationships. 33 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 1: The studies say it, the science says it, the spiritual 34 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 1: text say it. Relationships are what creates quality, meaning in 35 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 1: our life. And when you ask yourself the question, well, 36 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,960 Speaker 1: what makes a good relationship, the answer is people say love, 37 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:25,160 Speaker 1: people say trust, and truly it's communication. Communication is the 38 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:30,760 Speaker 1: heartbeat of a relationship, and relationships are the heartbeat of 39 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: our lives. What makes a good life good relationships? What 40 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 1: makes good relationships good communication? So today's episode is dedicated 41 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,799 Speaker 1: to the communication mistakes and mishaps in our life and 42 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 1: how to improve them. Now I'm going to get really specific, 43 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 1: really dialed in. We're going to look at some fascinating 44 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,120 Speaker 1: research as while in this space, and I want to 45 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 1: make sure that you take an opportunity to journal, make notes, 46 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 1: take screenshots, whatever it is that works for you. So 47 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 1: let's dive straight in. When we think about mistakes we 48 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 1: make in our communication, in our relationships. Maybe some of 49 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,920 Speaker 1: the mistakes you make you don't even know you're making. 50 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 1: And I'm going to be sharing a lot of mistakes 51 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,679 Speaker 1: today that you may not even be aware are mistakes, 52 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 1: and we're really not aware of the consequences or the 53 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: damaging effects of that kind of language and communication. Now, 54 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: there are other mistakes we make where I know you're 55 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 1: already thinking, Jay, how do you know? Why do you know? 56 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I'm already aware, 57 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: but I'm struggling to make the shift. I'm struggling to 58 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 1: actually figure this out. And we're going to dive into 59 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,160 Speaker 1: both of those today. So here's the first mistake we make. 60 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 1: When our partner is sharing their pain, we choose to complain. 61 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:55,120 Speaker 1: Don't complain when they're sharing their pain. Their moment of 62 00:03:55,280 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 1: vulnerability should be received with empathy, not with your complaint. 63 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:05,120 Speaker 1: If your partner is complaining about their pain and what 64 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 1: they're experiencing. That is not your opportunity and your moment 65 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 1: to share what you're struggling with. Let's say your partner 66 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: comes home from work and you come home from work 67 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: at the same time, and they say to you, I 68 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 1: had a really tough day to day. That is not 69 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: the time to say I had a really tough day too. 70 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 1: That is not the time to say I've had a 71 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 1: tough week. That is not the time to say, tell 72 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,240 Speaker 1: me about it. I feel the same every week. That 73 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 1: is not the time to say, yeah, I need to 74 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: tell you about this. That's the time to say, tell 75 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: me more, what's going on? How are you feeling? Do 76 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: you want to talk about it? Those simple switches creates space. 77 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 1: We think that our pain connected to their pain creates space. Actually, 78 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:56,160 Speaker 1: when we meet their pain with our pain, we remove space. 79 00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:00,559 Speaker 1: We remove the sanctity and the sacredness of what's about 80 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 1: to happen in this vulnerable, intimate, connected moment with someone 81 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 1: we love. When we're able to accept that they want 82 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 1: to share their pain, let's meet this with compassion, with empathy, 83 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: with openness, Let's ask them about it. You actually develop 84 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,599 Speaker 1: your relationship. Now, why do we do this? Why do 85 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,360 Speaker 1: we choose to complain when someone else shares their pain. 86 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 1: The first thing is we've been suppressing it. We've been 87 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: keeping it locked inside because we didn't want to bother someone. 88 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 1: We want it to be a people pleased that. We 89 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,479 Speaker 1: didn't want to weigh someone down. So we've been holding 90 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 1: it all in and now as soon as someone's open up, 91 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: we open up too. So we're opening up not because 92 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,120 Speaker 1: someone hasn't allowed us to open up, but because we 93 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:48,159 Speaker 1: haven't allowed ourselves to open up. So the moment you 94 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,599 Speaker 1: spot that psychologically someone else has given themselves permission to 95 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: be vulnerable and open, you finally give yourself permission. The 96 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: only issue is you're giving yourself permission at a time 97 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: when their pain needs to be a priority. So that's 98 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 1: one of the reasons why we do it. Another reason 99 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,799 Speaker 1: why we do it is because we want to be seen, 100 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 1: We want to be heard. We want to feel like 101 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: we can get some empathy and sympathy too. We want 102 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,839 Speaker 1: to feel like we can get some love and understanding too. 103 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,040 Speaker 1: We feel, well, if they want some love and understanding 104 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,680 Speaker 1: right now, I need some too. I'm struggling, I'm carrying 105 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: all this weight, I'm dealing with all this going on 106 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,839 Speaker 1: right now and they don't even know. But again, our 107 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,920 Speaker 1: sharing in that moment doesn't get the response we want 108 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: because what the other person now feels is they don't 109 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: really want to listen to me, or if they're really 110 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,480 Speaker 1: loving and caring, they then shift it on to us 111 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: and we forget about them. Take a moment to say, 112 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: tell me more, do you want to talk about it, 113 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:51,400 Speaker 1: how's it going, what's up? Walk through it? And then 114 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,599 Speaker 1: ask them, hey, how actually wanted to tell you about 115 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 1: my day? Two? When's the best time? When you've just 116 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: helped someone through something, it's an instinctual response to say, 117 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,640 Speaker 1: all right, well, let's talk about me now or let's 118 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,599 Speaker 1: focus on me now, and that kind of ping pong 119 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: pain reflection doesn't really solve the problem because that person 120 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: is still processing and digesting what you've just shared and 121 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: what you've learned together, and now asking them to focus 122 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: on you distracts them from their pain. Don't complain when 123 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,960 Speaker 1: they're sharing their pain. It's a big mistake we make 124 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: in our relationships and something we can easily solve. We 125 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:37,440 Speaker 1: just have to resist the urge of being validated in 126 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 1: that moment and in that time, knowing that we'll actually 127 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 1: be better validated if we postpone the sharing of how 128 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 1: we feel. Mistake number two. A lot of people are 129 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: scared to say they need distance or space from their partner. 130 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 1: Raise your hands right now if you enjoy alone time 131 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,240 Speaker 1: or your own friend time away from your partner. I 132 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: am guessing that nearly every person who's listening right now 133 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: is raising their hands. Even if you're walking a dog, 134 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: or you're editing, or you're cooking food, as long as 135 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 1: you're not driving, Please do not do this. If your 136 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 1: dramming everyone else raise your hand, and all of us 137 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 1: have raised your hands. We all enjoy alone time, we 138 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,120 Speaker 1: all enjoy our time in solitude. But here's what we 139 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,320 Speaker 1: do wrong. We say to our partner or I just 140 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: need space this weekend. Oh you know what, I just 141 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 1: need some time out. When we say that, most people 142 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: hear that and they take it personally. They think you 143 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 1: want space from them. They think you want distance from them, 144 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: And really, what you're saying is I want space for 145 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: myself right like, when I say I want space, I'm 146 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,679 Speaker 1: not saying I want space from anyone else. That may 147 00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: be part of it. But what I'm really saying is 148 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:50,480 Speaker 1: I want space for myself to do some reading, to 149 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,880 Speaker 1: do some journaling, to dive into some meditation, to do 150 00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: some work, whatever it may be. Communicate why you need 151 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,920 Speaker 1: space and what you are using it for. If you 152 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: simply say what you want but not why you want 153 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,560 Speaker 1: it or how you're going to use it, that what 154 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 1: can be massively misinterpreted. So many people in relationships are 155 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 1: struggling because they tell their partner what they want, but 156 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: not why they want it or how they're going to 157 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: use it. If you say to your partner, I just 158 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: want time now, you may be saying, well, Jay, your 159 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:26,720 Speaker 1: partner should just understand. Sure, great if they do. But 160 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:30,040 Speaker 1: the majority of us love an explanation. The majority of 161 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:33,080 Speaker 1: us would love some clarity. And actually, if we don't 162 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: provide clarity, we let the other person populate the open space. 163 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:44,359 Speaker 1: And when someone populates with their imagination and their fatigue, right, imagination, 164 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 1: fatigue are a terrible recipe. Like those are bad ingredients 165 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: when they go together. If you're tired and exhausted and 166 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,080 Speaker 1: you let your imagination loose, chances are you're going to 167 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: come to a pretty scary realization or a pretty scary takeaway. 168 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,240 Speaker 1: And that's why a lot of people, when they're tired 169 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,400 Speaker 1: and their imagination runs wild and they hear the words 170 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 1: I need space, they go, oh, they bored me. Oh 171 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,160 Speaker 1: they don't want to be around me. Oh, maybe I'm 172 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,679 Speaker 1: not interesting enough. And self doubt is such a big 173 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,640 Speaker 1: thing that we all deal with that we can't just 174 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: expect our partners to be fully secure, confident human beings. 175 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:24,680 Speaker 1: If you expect your partner to be a fully evolved, mature, 176 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:29,920 Speaker 1: emotionally intelligent, confident human being, we're kidding ourselves because the 177 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: truth is we are not that either. So don't expect 178 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 1: that completion and perfection from your partner and fill in 179 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,079 Speaker 1: the gaps for them. Help answer some of those questions, 180 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,280 Speaker 1: help color it in a little bit by providing a 181 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 1: little bit of clarity. What do you lose? Sure it 182 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,000 Speaker 1: affects your ego, Sure it affects your desire that we 183 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: should just understand each other, We should be able to 184 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,880 Speaker 1: read each other's minds. But why do we want to 185 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,320 Speaker 1: do that? Why not help them out? Why not give 186 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 1: really clear direction as to what we're going to do? 187 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: Now with this point, I also want to make the 188 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,920 Speaker 1: principle clear that it is healthy to spend time apart. 189 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: Study show that healthy relationships follow the seventy thirty rule, 190 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 1: So the most harmonious relationships spend about seventy percent of 191 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,079 Speaker 1: their time together and thirty percent of their time apart. Now, 192 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 1: this has been really difficult during the pandemic because we've 193 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: all been around each other more than ever. But as 194 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 1: things begin to open up, it's really healthy to think, well, 195 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: how can we spend seventy percent of our time? Now, 196 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,320 Speaker 1: this doesn't just apply to work. I believe it applies 197 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 1: to our evenings and our weekends as well. And making 198 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: sure that your partner gets away for a weekend with 199 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,079 Speaker 1: their friends or on their own, and making sure you 200 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,120 Speaker 1: get away on your own or with your friends is 201 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,840 Speaker 1: a really healthy commitment to make once a year, make 202 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:52,679 Speaker 1: sure your partner has time to go away with their friends, 203 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,880 Speaker 1: and make sure you have time to go away with 204 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: your friends. Now you may say, well, Jay, where does 205 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: the time come for that? Even if it's three days, 206 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 1: even if it's just a weekend, even if it's just 207 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:07,959 Speaker 1: a day, it's so healthy to take that time apart 208 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 1: for each other, for yourself, for your children, for every 209 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:17,320 Speaker 1: single person. If involved in this relationship, and I think 210 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,960 Speaker 1: we're so scared that spending time apart actually will pull 211 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 1: us apart. But spending time apart can actually pull you 212 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 1: closer together and brings you back to this really beautiful connection. Now, 213 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: the next mistake we make in our relationships is we 214 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:41,440 Speaker 1: use what I call unsafe or unhealthy language. Language that 215 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,960 Speaker 1: pertains to things ending, language that pertains to things being over, 216 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 1: language that borderline's threatening. Any language that puts the relationship 217 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:57,680 Speaker 1: into question, or puts your connection into question, or makes broad, 218 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: overarching statements that are not factually correct can be really 219 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:06,120 Speaker 1: damaging in a relationship. Things like, well, I guess it's over, Then, 220 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:10,200 Speaker 1: well I guess you're over me. Well, it seems like 221 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,560 Speaker 1: you don't care at all anymore. That's not really true, 222 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 1: is it right? That's not really true. Does someone not 223 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:21,320 Speaker 1: care anymore at all? You may feel that way, but 224 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: is that reality. We need to look at what's real 225 00:13:25,559 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: as different from how we feel. You may feel that 226 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 1: someone doesn't care anymore, but investigate that feeling a bit 227 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: deeper yourself before you communicate it. One of the biggest 228 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:41,720 Speaker 1: mistakes we make is we communicate our feelings without investigating 229 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 1: them or without being curious about them. If we get 230 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 1: curious and investigate, Okay, well, I feel like they don't 231 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 1: care about me anymore at all. Let me investigate that. Okay, 232 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,960 Speaker 1: that's not true. Last week, when they brought me dinner, 233 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,440 Speaker 1: they ordered dinner, I could tell they cared about me. Okay, 234 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,680 Speaker 1: you know what this morning, actually, they they asked me 235 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 1: if I know if I wanted to sleep in a 236 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,320 Speaker 1: little more. Okay, So let me investigate it. Okay. So 237 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: when do I feel that way? Okay? Well, when they 238 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,440 Speaker 1: come home late from work, that's when I feel that way. Okay, 239 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: when they don't clean up after dinner, that's when I 240 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 1: feel that way. So it's not that they don't care 241 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,240 Speaker 1: at all, it's that there are times of the day 242 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: when I feel they don't care. What don't they care about? 243 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,480 Speaker 1: I feel like they don't care about my time. Okay. 244 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,560 Speaker 1: So it's not that they don't care at all. It's 245 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,000 Speaker 1: that there are certain times that I don't feel they 246 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,800 Speaker 1: care about my time. Now, when you communicate to them, 247 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,560 Speaker 1: you say, hey, there are a couple of times a 248 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 1: day where I feel you don't care about my time. 249 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: But I also want to acknowledge there are times this 250 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: week that you've made me feel so loved, You've made 251 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: me feel so appreciated, But I wanted to understand why 252 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,000 Speaker 1: you do certain things and how that makes me feel 253 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: at those times. Notice how you are communicating and having 254 00:14:55,960 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 1: a completely different conversation. Now, this is, without a doubt, 255 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 1: one of the biggest issues in relationships, because what we're 256 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,000 Speaker 1: doing is we do none of the thinking and expect 257 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: our partner to do all the thinking. So we just 258 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: want to feel and we want our partners to think 259 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 1: and feel. We don't want to do any thinking, we 260 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: don't want to do any reflecting, we don't want to 261 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: do any introspecting, and we go and dump all of 262 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,640 Speaker 1: it onto them and we expect them to think, feel, 263 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 1: reflect and introspect in that moment. Now, when you go 264 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: to that person and say, hey, I don't feel you 265 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 1: care at all, the first thing that comes to their 266 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: mind is, but I I just brought you coffee this morning. 267 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,040 Speaker 1: And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but no, but that's 268 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 1: not what I mean. And they're like, but what do 269 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,120 Speaker 1: you mean? Like I would have done it for you 270 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: last week, Like you know, I was looking out for you. 271 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,840 Speaker 1: I knew you're working hard and you're like, yea, yeah, 272 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 1: but not that that's not what I mean. So then 273 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 1: they're saying, well, give me an example, and now you 274 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: go into something when they're already on the defensive. You're 275 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 1: on the offensive and trying to prove a point, and 276 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 1: now you get lost in an argument that no one 277 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:59,400 Speaker 1: wants to be in. Don't use unsafe, threatening, or unhealthy 278 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:05,040 Speaker 1: language in your relationship. It will truly create so many 279 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,960 Speaker 1: dents and so many blemishes, and so many cuts and 280 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:14,200 Speaker 1: wounds that they're really hard to repair and heal. Don't 281 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 1: put your partner in a position where you're not noticing 282 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: the good as well as noticing the challenges, and recognize 283 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,480 Speaker 1: that when you share the challenges, make sure you also 284 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: share the positives and the powerful things that they do, 285 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: because otherwise someone feels underappreciated, someone feels completely unlooked at 286 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 1: or overlooked. I want to share with you the biggest 287 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:44,040 Speaker 1: news of the year. How many of you want to meditate? 288 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,240 Speaker 1: I can see your heads nodding, I can see you 289 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,040 Speaker 1: raising your hands. I can see you saying, yesterday, I 290 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,440 Speaker 1: really want to learn to meditate. How many of you 291 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 1: would like to learn to meditate? With me? Every single day. Now, 292 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 1: I already know what the answer is because I know 293 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:03,240 Speaker 1: how many men messages DMS reviews notes that I get 294 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 1: saying Jay, I'd love to meditate with you. Last year, 295 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:09,600 Speaker 1: we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around 296 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: forty days live and twenty million of you tuned in. 297 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,480 Speaker 1: Now I am taking that same focus, that same presence 298 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,719 Speaker 1: to Calm. I've partnered up with Calm to release a 299 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:25,520 Speaker 1: new series called The Daily J where you can meditate 300 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,160 Speaker 1: with me every single day for seven minutes to make 301 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,679 Speaker 1: it a real habit. I would love for you to 302 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,639 Speaker 1: come and join me and take part in building a 303 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,439 Speaker 1: really powerful meditation practice. And guess what, We're going to 304 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,600 Speaker 1: do it together? Head over right now Atcalm dot com 305 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 1: forward slash J to get forty percent off a premium membership. 306 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:51,000 Speaker 1: That's Calm dot com Forward slash J. Point number four 307 00:17:52,000 --> 00:18:00,360 Speaker 1: is honesty plus love. Honesty plus love has to be 308 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: the way it works. I've been reading this great book 309 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:09,040 Speaker 1: called The Culture Code, and there's a brilliant example of 310 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: it of the San Antonio Spurs coach Popovich. Now, I 311 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,120 Speaker 1: didn't know who this individual was because I'm not as 312 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 1: familiar with basketball in the history in basketball as I 313 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,520 Speaker 1: am with football or soccer, but this really stuck out 314 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 1: to me and I wanted to share this with you. 315 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,680 Speaker 1: This is from the book called The Culture Code, and 316 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 1: when they interviewed his assistant coach, he said, a lot 317 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,240 Speaker 1: of coaches can yell or be nice, but what Pop 318 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:39,919 Speaker 1: does is different. Says assistant coach Chip England. He delivers 319 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 1: two things over and over. He'll tell you the truth 320 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,879 Speaker 1: and then he'll love you to death. And I think 321 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: when we bring these two things together, when we unify 322 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 1: this approach in our language with our partners, it transforms 323 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,200 Speaker 1: everything because what we do is one or the other. 324 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: We either love them to death but inside where we're 325 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:02,880 Speaker 1: not happy with what they're doing, or we're honest with them, 326 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: but then we don't share that love, that attention, that absorption. 327 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,720 Speaker 1: And so I think that's really important for us to 328 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:13,840 Speaker 1: think about, is how can we share honestly with love? 329 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: Ask yourself that always when you're gonna share something, how 330 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 1: can you share it with love? I've been thinking about 331 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,080 Speaker 1: this a lot lately. Also, is that love is what 332 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: changes someone's life and heart. There's a beautiful quote by 333 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,800 Speaker 1: Russell Barkley where he said that the people who need 334 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,720 Speaker 1: the most love often ask for it in the most 335 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,159 Speaker 1: unloving ways. Let that blow your mind for a moment. 336 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,920 Speaker 1: He said that the people who need the most love 337 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: often ask for it in the most unloving ways. When 338 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: you see someone acting out of arrogance, when you see 339 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: someone acting out of cockiness, when you see someone acting 340 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:57,400 Speaker 1: out of bravado or insecurity or vanity, or pressure or stress, 341 00:19:58,119 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 1: what they're really seeking is love. So if you meet 342 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 1: their ego with more ego, what does it do? It 343 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,360 Speaker 1: just compounds the ego. If you meet their pain with 344 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 1: more pain, what does it do Just it increases the pain. 345 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:14,440 Speaker 1: If you meet their arrogance or their insecurity with more insecurity, 346 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,879 Speaker 1: it just doubles insecurity. But if you meet their insecurity, 347 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:23,920 Speaker 1: their vanity, their ego, their pain with love and honesty, 348 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,240 Speaker 1: you've just given them what they're actually asking for without 349 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 1: even knowing they're asking for it. Love is undefeatable. And 350 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,359 Speaker 1: you may say, well, that person doesn't deserve love. They're 351 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,919 Speaker 1: not acting in a way where they deserve love. Now. 352 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 1: Of course, as a caveat, I always recommend if someone 353 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 1: is being physically, mentally, psychologically, verbally abusive, this does not apply, 354 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,400 Speaker 1: and I would recommend getting professional help to take care 355 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,880 Speaker 1: of that situation. But in our arguments of the day 356 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:56,879 Speaker 1: to day, we have to realize that ultimately everyone is 357 00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:03,920 Speaker 1: simply seeking love. Now point number five, if you're going 358 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,159 Speaker 1: to tell them how you want them to improve, you 359 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: have to tell them and communicate that you believe they can. 360 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 1: One of the biggest mistakes we make when we're giving 361 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: feedback or sharing things that we want our partner to 362 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,639 Speaker 1: work on or improve on, we put them down. We 363 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 1: say you never do this, you always do this. You know, well, 364 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,720 Speaker 1: look at so and So's partner. They don't do stuff 365 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,280 Speaker 1: like this, and none of it is actually building confidence 366 00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,760 Speaker 1: or making them feel they can do it. Now, this 367 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,960 Speaker 1: study researchers discovered, and this was also from the book 368 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 1: The Culture Code that I Loved, researchers discovered that one 369 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:44,360 Speaker 1: particular form of feedback boosted student effort and performance so 370 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:49,240 Speaker 1: immensely that they deemed it magical feedback. Students who received 371 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:53,080 Speaker 1: it chose to revise their papers far more often than 372 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: students who did not, and their performance improved significantly. The 373 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:02,359 Speaker 1: feedback was not complicated. In fact, it consisted of one 374 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 1: simple phrase, Now before I share that one simple phrase 375 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,360 Speaker 1: with you. Think about this. Students are beginning given feedback 376 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:11,320 Speaker 1: on their papers, and this one simple phrase is making 377 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 1: them perform better. Can you guess what it is? This 378 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,959 Speaker 1: is what it is. Listen to this. I'm giving you 379 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 1: these comments because I have very high expectations and I 380 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 1: know that you can reach them. That's it, the author 381 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,440 Speaker 1: says in Culture Code, Daniel Coyle just nineteen words. None 382 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,640 Speaker 1: of these words contain any information on how to improve. 383 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,919 Speaker 1: Yet they are powerful because they deliver a burst of 384 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,680 Speaker 1: belonging cues. Actually, when you look more closely at the sentence, 385 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,920 Speaker 1: it contains three separate cues, says Daniel Coyle. Number one, 386 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,480 Speaker 1: you are part of this group. Number two, this group 387 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,840 Speaker 1: is special. We have high standards here. Number three, I 388 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:54,200 Speaker 1: believe you can reach those standards. He says, Here is 389 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,440 Speaker 1: a safe place to give effort. Notice how when we 390 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:03,439 Speaker 1: give feed back to our partners, we don't say this 391 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:04,800 Speaker 1: is a safe stay. We said, well, this is what 392 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,520 Speaker 1: I want, this is what I need. That's just the 393 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: way it is. What does that sound like? It sounds 394 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,520 Speaker 1: like an ultimatum. And guess what, Well, I don't think 395 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,199 Speaker 1: you can. I mean you never do, you never have. 396 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 1: I keep telling you this. Look at that language and 397 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:18,960 Speaker 1: what it creates. It creates an unsafe environment for someone 398 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,040 Speaker 1: to change, for someone to grow, for someone to build, 399 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 1: for someone to heal. Tell them you believe they can. 400 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:27,480 Speaker 1: When you say something, you say, hey, I really want 401 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,359 Speaker 1: a powerful relationship with you, and I know that we 402 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,280 Speaker 1: can figure this out together. What do you think about this? 403 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 1: How different is that too? You know you just never change. 404 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,439 Speaker 1: I just don't know where this is going to go. 405 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 1: I have no idea. We say that thinking that's going 406 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,720 Speaker 1: to get a response from them, right, We all say 407 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,280 Speaker 1: that hoping that someone hears them goes, oh my gosh, 408 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: I need to save this relationship. I have to sort 409 00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 1: myself out. And actually they hear that and they go oh. 410 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,879 Speaker 1: They feel demoralized, they feel dejected. They feel there's nothing 411 00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:59,240 Speaker 1: I can do. There's nothing I can do to solve this. 412 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,520 Speaker 1: Then they don't try because it feels unreachable and unattainable. 413 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:08,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to share with you one last principle, which 414 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,600 Speaker 1: has stop trying to get their respect indirectly tell them 415 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,080 Speaker 1: you need it, put your ego aside, and tell them 416 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,720 Speaker 1: your love language. Gary Chapman talks about the five love, languages, 417 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:26,240 Speaker 1: quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and touch. 418 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,359 Speaker 1: Put your ego aside and tell them you need words 419 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:33,719 Speaker 1: of affirmation. Put your ego aside and tell them you 420 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,520 Speaker 1: want more quality time. We're so scared to ask for 421 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,399 Speaker 1: what we actually want that we try and get it 422 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,360 Speaker 1: through indirect means. For example, we start saying, oh my gosh, 423 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,320 Speaker 1: I did so much today. I did this and this 424 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: and this and this, And what we're really saying is, 425 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,439 Speaker 1: please tell me that you know I work hard. Please 426 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,399 Speaker 1: tell me that you validate me. Please tell me that 427 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,960 Speaker 1: you recognize me. What we want is words of affirmation, 428 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,919 Speaker 1: but we don't ask for words of affirmation. We real 429 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,520 Speaker 1: off a list of what we've been doing and they say, hey, 430 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,000 Speaker 1: that's great. That sounds like you've got a lot done today, 431 00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 1: And then we walk away going, well, are they not 432 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 1: gonna tell me how great I am. Oh, it's the 433 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:12,119 Speaker 1: other way around, where what we're really wanting is quality time, 434 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,560 Speaker 1: and we say, oh, you know what, we just haven't 435 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:19,280 Speaker 1: had any time together recently. Oh you know what, Oh gosh, 436 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 1: I just saw them. They just spent like a whole 437 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,959 Speaker 1: weekend together, and they've been having so much fun. It's amazing, 438 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: isn't it. How we are so scared to tell people 439 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:28,240 Speaker 1: what we want and we're really hoping they'll figure it out, 440 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,119 Speaker 1: but it's so confusing for that individual. They don't know 441 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,800 Speaker 1: what to do with it. Stop trying to get people's 442 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,160 Speaker 1: respect indirectly. Put your ego aside and tell them respect 443 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,960 Speaker 1: what you need and want. Respect what you need and want, 444 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,600 Speaker 1: and share it openly with your partner. Don't hide it 445 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 1: from them. Thank you so much for listening to today. 446 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,439 Speaker 1: I am so grateful for the amazing community we're building 447 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,960 Speaker 1: here on on Purpose. I cannot wait to start doing 448 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: live events and being with you in person. Giving you 449 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,680 Speaker 1: all big hugs. Please share what you're learning from this episode, 450 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:02,359 Speaker 1: pass it on, recommend an episode, and dive deep. We're 451 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:05,240 Speaker 1: just getting started. Thanks everyone, have an amazing week and 452 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: look out for the next episode.