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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. Miam is Kat. I am the host,

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Speaker 1: and if you are not familiar with what couch Talks is,

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Speaker 1: it is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: where I answer questions that you guys send to me

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Speaker 1: and you can send those to Katherine at you Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. Now a quick reminder before we

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Speaker 1: get into today's show that although this podcast is called

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy, I am a therapist. It does not

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Speaker 1: serve as a replacement for any actual mental health services. Now,

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Speaker 1: we always, not always, we usually do one question today.

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Speaker 1: I take those from usually email where you guys send

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Speaker 1: those into me, and I always keep them anonymous. And

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Speaker 1: I want you guys to remember that because it can

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Speaker 1: help you feel safer for sending in a question. And

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Speaker 1: you can always send something in and tell me not

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Speaker 1: to read a certain part of the email that happens

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Speaker 1: all the time. And I can change the names if

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Speaker 1: you ask me to do that, but I just need

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Speaker 1: to know that you want me to do that. But

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Speaker 1: just know that it's always going to be anonymous. I

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Speaker 1: won't ever say your name, your email address, where you're from,

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Speaker 1: any of that today's going to be a normal episode.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read one question, then we're going to

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Speaker 1: talk about it, and I say, let's just get into it. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: thank you for all you do. I have a question

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Speaker 1: for you. I am in a family group message recently.

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Speaker 1: One of the family members has been texting only in

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Speaker 1: quotes healthy slash restrictive eating plans, end quotes her exercise

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Speaker 1: regimen and how many calories she's burned, et cetera, et cetera.

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Speaker 1: She is trying to be helpful and motivating, but it

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Speaker 1: has a sort of better than thou judgy undertone. She

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Speaker 1: tells us how she doesn't eat between seven pm and

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Speaker 1: noon in the following day and things like that. What

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Speaker 1: do I do? I don't feel like I can leave

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Speaker 1: the group without causing faily drama, and I also don't

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Speaker 1: feel like I can confront her because she's my in law. Help. Okay,

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Speaker 1: first off, we're going to start by me reminding you,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you aren't being reminded. You hear this for

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Speaker 1: the first time. You are not alone in this. I

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Speaker 1: think the majority of us have been in a family

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Speaker 1: group chat when we wanted to either leave, we wanted

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Speaker 1: to call somebody out we wanted to scream. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: They can get a little dicey, not just because of

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Speaker 1: the fact that you're getting to text every five seconds,

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Speaker 1: but some of the stuff can feel a little bit

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Speaker 1: triggering and hard to sit within here constantly. I'm curious

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Speaker 1: about for you, what feelings you have that come up

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Speaker 1: around these texts. Is it something around you and how

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Speaker 1: you're feeling and how it affects you, or is it

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Speaker 1: feelings around how you might be thinking about how it

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Speaker 1: might affect other people in the family. And so are

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Speaker 1: these texts baseline frustrating, hurtful, hard to read because of

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Speaker 1: things that you've gone through and things that you're working on,

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Speaker 1: or is it more because you are worried about what

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Speaker 1: other people, how they hear those, and how that might

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Speaker 1: affect how they are doing. Because while we can care

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Speaker 1: about other people, there's nothing wrong with that. I just

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Speaker 1: think it might be helpful for you to be able

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Speaker 1: to differentiate between if this is a both maybe it's

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Speaker 1: both of those things, or maybe this is for myself,

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Speaker 1: or maybe I need to sit with a little bit

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Speaker 1: of discomfort because it's about totally somebody else and their

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Speaker 1: feelings and it might be more helpful for them to

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Speaker 1: learn how to stick up for themselves and speak for themselves,

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Speaker 1: then you kind of do it for them. I just

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Speaker 1: have a lot of questions about this because usually when

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Speaker 1: you guys send in these emails, it's hard for me

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Speaker 1: to really understand the fullness of the story, and so

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Speaker 1: you asking yourself more questions might help you actually identify

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Speaker 1: what you need to do on your own. I'm also curious,

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Speaker 1: is the family talking about this together? Is it something

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Speaker 1: that you just are thinking about in your head, Like,

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Speaker 1: is there a subgroup talking about what is said in

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Speaker 1: that group text and everybody in the family is maybe

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Speaker 1: afraid of speaking up or saying something because that's an

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Speaker 1: interesting dynamic. And at a baseline, again without knowing any

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Speaker 1: of this context, I do think it's one hundred percent valid, normal,

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Speaker 1: justified for you to leave the group chat. Nobody is

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Speaker 1: forced to be in any group chat that they don't

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Speaker 1: need to be in or that they don't want to

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Speaker 1: be in. We are allowed to exit those things. I mean,

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Speaker 1: maybe if it's a work thing, I don't know it,

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Speaker 1: there's probably a loop pull into that, but you get

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And especially if it is affecting your

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Speaker 1: ability to take care of yourself, and you're questioning the

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Speaker 1: things that you're doing or being encouraged to do things

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Speaker 1: that maybe would not be good for you, but are

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Speaker 1: very tempting because maybe things you've struggled with in your past,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Sounds pretty reasonable to me to not

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Speaker 1: want to have to read these and go through these

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Speaker 1: messages about behaviors that may cause you distress. And again,

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Speaker 1: I'm curious if the other people in this group message

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Speaker 1: also find the things that she's saying concerning or is

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Speaker 1: it being very normalized and you feel like you're the

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Speaker 1: one in there being like, why is nobody? Why is

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Speaker 1: everybody okay with this? Because I think that that brings

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Speaker 1: a whole nother part to this where it might feel like, wait,

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Speaker 1: am I the crazy one? Or am I going to

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Speaker 1: be scapegoated? And that kind of makes a lot of sense.

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Speaker 1: I get feeling that and why that would be scary.

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Speaker 1: And if that's the case, I have a whole episode

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Speaker 1: for you about scapegoats and truth telling that might be

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Speaker 1: helpful to listen to, because if everybody is actually concerned

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Speaker 1: about her behavior and the things that she's saying, it

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Speaker 1: also brings up this idea that everybody in that group

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Speaker 1: is kind of doing this passive kind of enabling where

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Speaker 1: we're just kind of rolling our eyes behind her back,

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Speaker 1: but then you know, letting her say all this stuff

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Speaker 1: that we actually don't agree with, and maybe we're a

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Speaker 1: little bit concerned for her, maybe not even for ourselves.

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Speaker 1: So that is an interesting dynamic. I would just do

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Speaker 1: a little bit of digging around as well. Now you

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Speaker 1: also say that you're assuming she's trying to be helpful,

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Speaker 1: and I wonder if she realizes how unhelpful she's been.

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Speaker 1: I know for myself, I have been that person before,

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Speaker 1: and I do wish somebody might have said something to me,

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Speaker 1: and maybe they did and I just like rolled my

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Speaker 1: eyes at it or I didn't take it very well,

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Speaker 1: because that's totally fair when you're in that zone and

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Speaker 1: you think that, I mean, I get it. When I

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Speaker 1: was in my own stuff and I took on this

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Speaker 1: more orthorexic type of view of things, there was this

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Speaker 1: essence of like what I'm doing is better and it

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Speaker 1: is the holier than now. It's I'm taking care of

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Speaker 1: myself better than you guys are, when in reality I

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Speaker 1: was probably taking care of myself the worst out of everybody.

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Speaker 1: It was hard for me to see that, and it

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Speaker 1: still could have been helpful to hear that other people

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Speaker 1: didn't want to have those conversations, And again, I don't

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Speaker 1: know how to respond to it, but it could have

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Speaker 1: been helpful. And I think we cannot predict how anybody

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Speaker 1: is going to take something or hear something, and we

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Speaker 1: want to make sure that we're still standing in our integrity.

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Speaker 1: So you might not go into this conversation or confrontation

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Speaker 1: or leave this group in a way to change anybody

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Speaker 1: else's behavior, but you can still speak your own truth

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Speaker 1: and that might matter to somebody, it might not. And

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Speaker 1: I also am a really big fan of lowering stakes

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Speaker 1: when it comes to their confrontation, because even that word

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Speaker 1: it feels really scary. I worked with a therapist that

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Speaker 1: called them carefrontations, and while that was cheesy, it also

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Speaker 1: just allowed space for people to kind of relax their

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Speaker 1: shoulders and breathe a little bit, because confrontation sounds like

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Speaker 1: I'm going to yell at somebody or I'm so angry

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Speaker 1: at somebody and I am going to tear you apart,

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Speaker 1: when really it could just be you speaking about yourself

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Speaker 1: and how something affects you without asking somebody to change

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Speaker 1: their behavior. It doesn't always have to be this come

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Speaker 1: to Jesus moment. It can really just be as simple

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Speaker 1: as you shooting a text back one day saying, hey,

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Speaker 1: I noticed I get pretty stressed out when the conversations

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Speaker 1: are centered around the diet and exercise behaviors of other people.

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Speaker 1: And I know my feelings are not the same always

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Speaker 1: as other people's, and so I'm going to remove myself

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Speaker 1: from this group chat. So if you guys want to

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Speaker 1: continue those conversations, you totally can. I just I've noticed

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Speaker 1: that they're not helpful for me. Boom, or you could

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Speaker 1: say something like, hey, you know, I've been working on

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Speaker 1: my beliefs around diet and exercise and how I take

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Speaker 1: care of myself, and it's hard for me to be

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Speaker 1: in conversations where this is coming up a lot and

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Speaker 1: it's common. So could we have those discussions outside of

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Speaker 1: this group text That would be really helpful for me.

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Speaker 1: You're not calling anybody out, You're just saying I've noticed

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Speaker 1: this about myself. Is this possible? If they say no, great,

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Speaker 1: then you can be like, okay, cool, I'm gonna bow

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Speaker 1: out of this if they say yes, great. Or it

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Speaker 1: could be really as simple as as I have a

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Speaker 1: hard time being in conversations around diet and exercise, so

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Speaker 1: I'm going to remove myself from this group. I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to let you guys know, so it didn't feel

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Speaker 1: weird or out of left field or it doesn't look strange.

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Speaker 1: I love you guys, talk to you soon. Boom. It

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Speaker 1: does not have to be this huge conversation where we're

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Speaker 1: flipping tables and calling people out and telling people what

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Speaker 1: they're doing is wrong. It can be more about talking

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Speaker 1: about what you need for yourself without trying to change anybody,

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Speaker 1: And a lot of times that can actually elicit change

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Speaker 1: in somebody. It can make a light bub of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know I was talking about it that much,

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Speaker 1: or I didn't know that maybe not everybody wanted to

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Speaker 1: talk about this because everybody just engaged in the conversation.

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Speaker 1: How was I supposed to know that? And so I

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Speaker 1: really want you to hear in this. I want you

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Speaker 1: to just do some digging around what it is that

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Speaker 1: is bothersome Am I worried about myself, I worried about

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Speaker 1: that person? Am I worried about others, and if this

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Speaker 1: was about taking care of me because I cannot control

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Speaker 1: the be of other people, what might I need to

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Speaker 1: ask for? And if it feels like I can't ask

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Speaker 1: for that, there's some digging you can do around that, like,

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Speaker 1: oh is this common? Does it feel like I can't

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Speaker 1: ask for what I need in other places? What is

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Speaker 1: it about this specific place or what is it about

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Speaker 1: me that is timid when it comes to speaking up

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Speaker 1: for myself about myself. So a lot of digging and

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Speaker 1: you can have maybe this conversation, can journal about it,

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Speaker 1: you can talk about it with a friend, just to

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Speaker 1: get some of these thoughts rolling. I know sometimes when

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Speaker 1: people start if you were in my office and we

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Speaker 1: were talking about this, you might even come up with

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Speaker 1: some of these things on your own. It just is

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Speaker 1: helpful to kind of get that cyclical conversation frustration and

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Speaker 1: stuck place out of your head and out into the universe.

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Speaker 1: So I hope that it is helpful and know that

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Speaker 1: you're not alone. Group text can be challenging, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's totally fair for you to allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: leave a situation that feels unhelpful and distressing or ask

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Speaker 1: for something that could be really helpful and kind for yourself.

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Speaker 1: So again, I hope this was helpful. If you guys

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Speaker 1: have any other questions, you can send those to Katherine

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. I am going

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Speaker 1: to be getting married in two days, so hopefully I

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Speaker 1: am having the wedding that I need to have. In

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Speaker 1: the meantime, I hope you guys are having the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have that You can follow me at

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Speaker 1: cat dot defoda on Instagram and at you Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: Podcast and I will talk to you next week. Bye, guys,