Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called Defecto or defect Her, and we're gonna have a
Speaker 1: new podcast to go with it, This very podcast which
Speaker 1: has the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail
Speaker 1: every rust. Get your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see by respectfully Codeine, you do not
Speaker 1: fight here and respectfully devot it was shut up. That's
Speaker 1: exactly what I'm talking about. You don't want to tell
Speaker 1: me to shut up all the time. That's the only
Speaker 1: solution I got to these arguments is to tell your
Speaker 1: ass to shut up. As Hey, I'm Codeine and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellisits. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: without boys and reading each other publicly as a form
Speaker 1: of therapy. Wait, I'm making need the other most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of the lives most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we
Speaker 1: say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
Speaker 1: but the truth. We're about to take Phillow's off to
Speaker 1: a whole new levels. Starts now. This is right after
Speaker 1: we had Kaz and Cairo. Okay, I wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning to take Jackson to school, as I always do,
Speaker 1: try to do my best to be a family man.
Speaker 1: Right taking Jackson to school, Conine just randomly wakes up, Hey, babe,
Speaker 1: where's the stroller? Where's the stroller? The stroller? Story? Right, Um,
Speaker 1: I was postpartum times too. Oh my gosh. You always
Speaker 1: find excuses. It's not an excuse, it's a reason, and
Speaker 1: you and I can never argue that reason. But whatever,
Speaker 1: She's like, where's the stroller? So I'm like, which stroller?
Speaker 1: She's like, the little fold of stroller that was in
Speaker 1: the back of the car. Okay. So I used to
Speaker 1: have this car right at a seven. Got rid of
Speaker 1: it when I had my third child because I couldn't
Speaker 1: fit all three in the back. So this car was
Speaker 1: sitting in my brother's driveway for six months with the
Speaker 1: stroller in the back seat. I'm leaving. I'm going to
Speaker 1: get the car with my My father says, hey, devout, um,
Speaker 1: what you're gonna do with that stroll in the back.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not sure why. He's like, I know
Speaker 1: someone in the church. See how I throw the church
Speaker 1: in there, the church who might utilize the stroller. I said, sure,
Speaker 1: if you needed, we haven't used in a six months.
Speaker 1: The kids are out growing, and you can take the stroller. Boom.
Speaker 1: Fast forward back to this day with Cane. Codina asked
Speaker 1: for the stroller. I say, which stroller? She says, the
Speaker 1: stroller that was in the back of the car. Said oh,
Speaker 1: I think I put that stroller in the backyard at
Speaker 1: my parents house, or my father might have given it away.
Speaker 1: Snaps her neck around. What you gave away my stroller
Speaker 1: without telling me. I'm tom out, it's our stroller number one.
Speaker 1: Number two. You haven't used the stroller in six months
Speaker 1: because it was wintertime in New York. I'm not pushing
Speaker 1: the babies around for walks in the snow. In my mind,
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I gave a stroller away. She goes,
Speaker 1: you gave away my stroller Devoal. So I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: what you're getting attitude for? We got three other strollers,
Speaker 1: but that's not the stroller that I wanted. You can't
Speaker 1: just give away my stroller. I'm like, yo, I'm not
Speaker 1: having this conversation all right, you're being a brat. I'm
Speaker 1: being a brat. Deval susitute and walk away. So now
Speaker 1: I'm trying not to argue with her because we're in
Speaker 1: front of our kids. So I'm getting ready for Jackson
Speaker 1: school or whatever. She comes back in the bedroom when
Speaker 1: an attitude. I'm like, yo, you really got an attitude
Speaker 1: over a stroller again. So I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 1: fuck that stroller. Then goes no, divin you. I'm like,
Speaker 1: fuck me, o stroller over over stroller. So now I'm pissed, right,
Speaker 1: So I'm like, you know what, I slammed the door
Speaker 1: closed because the doors open, I was getting ready to leave.
Speaker 1: That's nothing. I said. No, Now I'm not taking Jackson school.
Speaker 1: We're gonna discuss this before I leave. Jackson looked at
Speaker 1: her look at me. It was just like, wait a minute.
Speaker 1: Now I can't go to school and learn because y'all arguing.
Speaker 1: So I'm like fine, because now I got to put
Speaker 1: the children first. When we get back, we're going to
Speaker 1: discuss this. But but you know what happened, Uh, you
Speaker 1: got the stroller back. No long story short, my father
Speaker 1: never even gave away the stroller. He put it back
Speaker 1: in storage. So I got cussed out over a stroller
Speaker 1: that I didn't even give away. I didn't even give
Speaker 1: the stroller. We needed to be sure about what you
Speaker 1: did with it before you go ahead and tell a
Speaker 1: woman you gave away her ship. All right, So you're
Speaker 1: not gonna admit that you was wrong. I don't think
Speaker 1: I was wrong, And there you go. You don't fight
Speaker 1: the end. You don't fight fair end. There's a strange
Speaker 1: in my house. Person. It took a while to fake garm.
Speaker 1: It's just there's no way you could be saying you are.
Speaker 1: You gotta be someone else because he touched me like that,
Speaker 1: And he wouldn't argue like you do. You don't, Yes,
Speaker 1: I do, No, you don't. He wouldn't ignore. I don't
Speaker 1: ever ignore you. I argue, did I stop lying? I argue?
Speaker 1: Cut the song? Cut the song. I let you have,
Speaker 1: I let you have karaoke time. But I should have
Speaker 1: been singing that song. What do you mean you you
Speaker 1: are a different person when you argue. When I argue,
Speaker 1: I have to roll out my points. Just because I
Speaker 1: have justifications and reasons does not mean that I'm a
Speaker 1: different person. No, it's not justification of reasons. But you like,
Speaker 1: for example, like the post the emotional aspect of it,
Speaker 1: and the postpartum excuse. You've been postpartum since I met you.
Speaker 1: It's not an excuse since you met me. Shut up.
Speaker 1: When we get into argument, you're trying to show, yes,
Speaker 1: you are where we argue. You'd be like, you know
Speaker 1: I'm going to in college. You know it was my cycle.
Speaker 1: You know how I get you always have any excuse
Speaker 1: as to why you get to be extra during an argument. True,
Speaker 1: you you like to blame it on things like my cycle,
Speaker 1: because you're going I'm emotional, when when I argue with you,
Speaker 1: it's not emotional always always, That is not true. I've
Speaker 1: come a long way with the cry. I used to
Speaker 1: cry back in the day, but I don't cry no more.
Speaker 1: I don't cry no more. You know what the funny
Speaker 1: thing is, guys, I have to tell y'all, when I
Speaker 1: met de Val years ago, what is it almost seventeen
Speaker 1: years ago when he had a disagreement with me, I
Speaker 1: actually used to shut down a lot. Yes, so that's
Speaker 1: one thing are arguing styles were very different, or disagreement
Speaker 1: styles were different, and it really dates back to our families.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about how the way we're raised. Well,
Speaker 1: the first thing. First thing is let's talk about how
Speaker 1: we resolve that issue with the stroller. We got the
Speaker 1: stroller back from Dad and the two of us actually
Speaker 1: sat down and broke down the root of the problem,
Speaker 1: and that's how we discovered that, you know what, it
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the stroller. Codeine woke up
Speaker 1: upset because she didn't get a lot of sleep, so
Speaker 1: she was just in a bad mood that morning, and
Speaker 1: the first thing I said was going to trigger her
Speaker 1: to be upset, and it just so happened to be
Speaker 1: the stroller. And then for me, I took that and
Speaker 1: I internalized it as you know, like, what's your problem,
Speaker 1: why you were attacking me? And what I did wrong
Speaker 1: was when she when she cursed, you know you take
Speaker 1: away my ship. My petty response was pretty much, fuck
Speaker 1: your ship, and her petty response was to trump my
Speaker 1: funk your ship and to say fuck you is the
Speaker 1: ultimate grudge holder sidebar. Just so y'all know he's petty
Speaker 1: and I'm working on it, dough, I'm working on it.
Speaker 1: I let a lot of ship go. You know, you
Speaker 1: wouldn't know because I let it go. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, because I guess you can see the growth
Speaker 1: in your I don't see it some days. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you something. If I wasn't letting ship go, and
Speaker 1: we wouldn't be talking right now. All right, all right,
Speaker 1: let me get that straight. Alright, fine, So it really
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the stroller, and it was
Speaker 1: just she woke up in a bad spot. I woke
Speaker 1: up and rather than trying to not take it personal
Speaker 1: what she was going through, I just tried to. I
Speaker 1: tried to up her petty and just try to attack
Speaker 1: her back, which was a mistake on my part, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So, which is a good tip
Speaker 1: to think about too. You think about the four Agreements,
Speaker 1: and one of the agreements that says not to take
Speaker 1: things personally anything. Don't take anything personally. So what that
Speaker 1: person is going through and the context in which they
Speaker 1: say something, or they interact with you or they argue
Speaker 1: with you may have nothing to do with you, per
Speaker 1: se doesn't. It's going to pretty much be surrounding what
Speaker 1: happens and in there in their life. And let's let's
Speaker 1: give him an example, right, Like, you're walking down the
Speaker 1: street and uh, you see you see a young lady
Speaker 1: and you say, hey, young lady, and she's just like,
Speaker 1: what are you talking to me? You don't know that
Speaker 1: she might have found out, you know, she lost one
Speaker 1: of her close friends. She might have just lost her job.
Speaker 1: So her just saying ill while you're talking to me
Speaker 1: was a projection of what she's going through in her life.
Speaker 1: And you're the first person that she just took the
Speaker 1: anger out on. Most people internalized that that interaction and say, wow,
Speaker 1: what what is wrong with me? That she attacked me?
Speaker 1: But it goes both ways. You walk by, you see
Speaker 1: a young lady and say hey, young lady, and she's like, yo,
Speaker 1: you're the most beautiful man in the world. Well, you
Speaker 1: don't know is that she just won the lotto, she
Speaker 1: just got her promotion, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: you internalized that and you be like, damn, I'm this ship.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. This young lady says, I'm
Speaker 1: the most beautiful man she ever seen. So I think
Speaker 1: that that rule changed my life, you know, reading that
Speaker 1: book and the four Agreements, But that rule changed my
Speaker 1: life because it taught me to not take everything someone
Speaker 1: says to her because it's really not me. It just
Speaker 1: shows more about them, right, which could be a good
Speaker 1: tactic for whenever you're getting into an argument or disagreement
Speaker 1: or just like having a debate with someone absolutely just
Speaker 1: really taken to consideration where they possibly could be in
Speaker 1: that in that circumstance or what been that caused them
Speaker 1: to feel the way they feel in that time. And
Speaker 1: it may not be you, you know, like in that
Speaker 1: circumstance with the stroller, like it wasn't it wasn't you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we have some great makeup, sexy and then always always
Speaker 1: good good. So let's talk about how our argument styles
Speaker 1: were like super different, especially at their beginning. And like
Speaker 1: I said in the beginning, this kind of dates back
Speaker 1: to how things were dealt within our household. You know,
Speaker 1: we've spoken before about how your parents um and how
Speaker 1: they deal with you than impacts how you are as
Speaker 1: a human being. So when it came to arguing in
Speaker 1: my household, for example, um, the way I've seen my
Speaker 1: parents deal with it, or even just relationships with my
Speaker 1: brother and my sister, my father and my sister, my brother,
Speaker 1: you know, just within the family, our mechanism was dodging. Yeah.
Speaker 1: The way they argue is to not to argue, like
Speaker 1: we just kind of get quiet. No one really communicates,
Speaker 1: and it's just kind of like, oh, let's hope that
Speaker 1: this will kind of fizzle over and just die out
Speaker 1: and everything will be fine. Yeah. And and that's and
Speaker 1: now where I am in life with Develo and just
Speaker 1: in general as a grown adult, I can see how
Speaker 1: that has negatively impacted a lot of my family's progress.
Speaker 1: And I feel like we could have done a lot
Speaker 1: more and come a lot farther along had we been
Speaker 1: able to have open discussions that don't necessarily even have
Speaker 1: to be arguments, communicating disagreements, or if you feel a
Speaker 1: kind of way about something, being able to open up
Speaker 1: and say, hey, I feel this way about it and
Speaker 1: not be apologetic about it, to unapologetically say how you feel.
Speaker 1: And I feel like now I've kind of become that
Speaker 1: voice from my family, I think through our relationship, being
Speaker 1: able to get my family together and us really sitting
Speaker 1: down and getting to the bottom of what is bothering
Speaker 1: each person, because I genuinely want to know, you know,
Speaker 1: and that the whole like elephant in the room and
Speaker 1: the tension that should gets so old. Yeah, I guess, oh,
Speaker 1: I guess oh. And the funny thing is that that
Speaker 1: never existed in my house. We used to have family
Speaker 1: caucuses in my house, like family discussions where my mother
Speaker 1: would be like, Okay, you know, we're gonna sit down,
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about it, and I ain't gonna lie.
Speaker 1: Growing up like, man, no, nobody want to talk about
Speaker 1: this ship man Like like some stuff you just don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about. But then while you're talking about it,
Speaker 1: you're crying, you're letting stuff out, you letting your feelings
Speaker 1: be heard. And then now you know how your parents feel,
Speaker 1: your parents know how you feel, and then you feel
Speaker 1: better the next day because it's all out. And sometimes,
Speaker 1: like you said, it was never a thing where we
Speaker 1: hugged afterwards and it was an agreement. Sometimes we just
Speaker 1: argued and we was like, you know what this it
Speaker 1: is just it is what it is. I feel this
Speaker 1: way about this, you feel this way about that. Go
Speaker 1: out separate ways and we'll try to find a way
Speaker 1: to work it out. But at least I know how
Speaker 1: you feel and you know how I feel. So when
Speaker 1: me and Cadeen started dating, and you know, we were
Speaker 1: trying to figure each other out, I would be pressing
Speaker 1: her about stuff because I would want to talk about it,
Speaker 1: and she would just be sitting and I felt like
Speaker 1: him pressing me about it and not even say in
Speaker 1: an aggressive manner, but just like you know, being engaged
Speaker 1: and being passionate about the way he felt about something
Speaker 1: and really wanting to hear what I felt. I kind
Speaker 1: of took that as an attack because she got super
Speaker 1: used to get super defensive or I get super quiet
Speaker 1: and just not want to argue or not want to talk,
Speaker 1: and me not very intimidated, right, I mean, I'm nineteen
Speaker 1: at the time, so I'm not knowing that there are
Speaker 1: layers to why she is the way she is. I'm
Speaker 1: just thinking, like what is wrong with her, you know so,
Speaker 1: and and me just being a person I am, I
Speaker 1: continue to put you know, press, press, press, and she
Speaker 1: continues to get in defense defense and shut down, and
Speaker 1: it would just be like a big blow up and
Speaker 1: it would always end in tears. And there's like something's
Speaker 1: wrong with you and know something's wrong with you. And
Speaker 1: we learned over time like these three techniques pretty much
Speaker 1: to help us, you know, get through these issues. And
Speaker 1: the first technique that we learned was listening listening. And
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be clear too, sometimes in the heat
Speaker 1: of the moment, you can't go back to techniques, and
Speaker 1: you can't go back to like really saying, oh, here's
Speaker 1: the bullet points that I have and whatever. But um,
Speaker 1: I think one thing that is um kind of universal
Speaker 1: when you deal with any kind of relationship because of
Speaker 1: course listening and not just listening to hear and taking
Speaker 1: what the other person is saying and then be ready
Speaker 1: to kind of blurt back your stance on it, but
Speaker 1: really actively listening with understand and with the with the
Speaker 1: intent to really get the other person's perspective. Though you
Speaker 1: may not agree, you can at least try to respect it.
Speaker 1: But that's the most important point. And that's what we learned,
Speaker 1: was like, you have to listen to understand, not listen
Speaker 1: to agree. When I'm listening to you, I'm not listening
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, I get your point and you're right. No,
Speaker 1: it's I'm listening to get your point and see where
Speaker 1: you're coming from. So I get it, I get it,
Speaker 1: I get your point, but you're free as an individual
Speaker 1: to say I get your point, but this is my point, right.
Speaker 1: And we had to learn that and we're still learning
Speaker 1: that now because we still have disagreements to this day,
Speaker 1: like the stroller situation where I hear what you're saying
Speaker 1: it right, but the ship just sounds stupid to me,
Speaker 1: and she'll be like, shut up the vow and at
Speaker 1: least we go our own separate ways, knowing that we're
Speaker 1: never ever gonna agree on that situation, right we you know,
Speaker 1: we we let it out. You know, you get that
Speaker 1: out the room. The tension is gone. But listening, like
Speaker 1: like like you said, listening. And I think this was
Speaker 1: something that K kind of brought up to me because
Speaker 1: I was bad at doing this. I was I was
Speaker 1: bad at doing this. I used to be so used
Speaker 1: to the family caucuses that I would have to prove
Speaker 1: my point. And that's why my father said I was
Speaker 1: always I would always be an attorney, and he was
Speaker 1: just like the value, like you, you don't always have
Speaker 1: to prove that your point is better or your point
Speaker 1: is right. It's just she has a point. You have
Speaker 1: a point, your mom has a point, I have a point,
Speaker 1: your brother has a point. No, no point is better
Speaker 1: than the other. It's just we all have different points
Speaker 1: of view. The problem is that you think your points
Speaker 1: are right though all the time. At my points all
Speaker 1: right here, we go points all right here because they're
Speaker 1: my point. Okay, okay, my points are right because there points.
Speaker 1: But I can also I've grown to accept that your
Speaker 1: points are right too. See how I did that there? Yea, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean well, I feel like with you sometimes I
Speaker 1: have to listen and I have to be able to refute. Okay, um.
Speaker 1: And I don't know why that is. I think because
Speaker 1: sometimes because you always think your argument is right, um,
Speaker 1: I in turns feel like I have to take your
Speaker 1: argument in but be like devout. This is the reason
Speaker 1: why I did X, Y Z. And it's not to
Speaker 1: say that it should diminish the way you feel about
Speaker 1: what I did, but I at least want to. I
Speaker 1: want you to know how I arrived at whatever act
Speaker 1: I did that made you upset, or if I didn't
Speaker 1: do something right. So whenever we argue, for example, sometimes
Speaker 1: if I gets upset because he feels like I'm trying
Speaker 1: to make an excuse for why I did what I did,
Speaker 1: and I hate that word. You're making an excuse. You're
Speaker 1: making an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.
Speaker 1: Like if I do something and I'm deliberate about it,
Speaker 1: I may this is the reason why X y Z
Speaker 1: had me arrived at this point, and this is why
Speaker 1: I did what I did. If you took it that way,
Speaker 1: my bad. I'm sorry you feel that way. However, they
Speaker 1: can see your face say what's up? What's up? But
Speaker 1: if I arrived at this and this is how I
Speaker 1: arrived at it, I at least want you to know
Speaker 1: the reasoning behind that. And I hate when you tell
Speaker 1: me I'm making excuses because it's not an excuse. Is
Speaker 1: that your perspective? Is that your perspective? We don't even
Speaker 1: argue about nothing. If that is your perspective, I'll accept it, okay.
Speaker 1: And that takes us to our second point, which is
Speaker 1: thinking carefully about how to phrase your words. I thought
Speaker 1: I owe you out the window because a lot of
Speaker 1: times like that, the whole funk you. I didn't think
Speaker 1: about it, I just said it. Now. This is where
Speaker 1: as a man as the has been in the relationship
Speaker 1: the leader, I learned to use what's called the argument voice.
Speaker 1: You're listening to. This is the argument voice right now, Babe.
Speaker 1: I just want to say, then you go forth with
Speaker 1: your opinion, because your tone is going to pretty much
Speaker 1: present what you think, and no matter what you say,
Speaker 1: if your tone is wrong, your wife is gonna only
Speaker 1: want to talk about your tone. So I could say, Babe,
Speaker 1: I think you're the greatest wife in the world, but
Speaker 1: if my tone is off, she's gonna be like, what
Speaker 1: you mean by that? And I'm gonna be like, I
Speaker 1: just said you were the greatest wife in the world.
Speaker 1: But no, it was how you said it. How you
Speaker 1: said it me doesn't mean that I'm the greatest wife. Son.
Speaker 1: It's very important is actually reversed for us because you're
Speaker 1: always coming at me from my tone because your tone
Speaker 1: be Wow, you screamed out fuck you to me, like
Speaker 1: there's no way to say that in a good tone. Okay,
Speaker 1: So that okay, that one thing, but there's a lot
Speaker 1: of other times where we're talking. I really just say
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and I think you think because I'm
Speaker 1: so eloquent with my speech, that I am coming across
Speaker 1: as being condescending when I'm not actually trying to throw
Speaker 1: big words at me. Right, So, you see how you
Speaker 1: trying to throw big words at me. I can't help
Speaker 1: it formulate my thoughts in a way, and I'm passionate
Speaker 1: about the way I feel, and I say it, Okay,
Speaker 1: everybody construe that, all right, You misconstrue that, okay, having
Speaker 1: an attitude. No, I just and it's not an attitude.
Speaker 1: I can just be passionate about the way I feel.
Speaker 1: And it's not being an emotional woman. I don't give
Speaker 1: me that ship either. It's about me being able to
Speaker 1: formulate my thoughts and tell you how I feel about
Speaker 1: something and you understanding where I'm coming from with it
Speaker 1: and not getting down on me about I don't like
Speaker 1: the way you said it, because it is important for
Speaker 1: both of us, not just you but me as well
Speaker 1: as the man, that we both express ourselves respectfully. You
Speaker 1: see how I'm using that tone right now, and you
Speaker 1: see how it's calming you down. I see, we have
Speaker 1: to use our tones respectively, and if we use our
Speaker 1: tones respectively, we can convey our message. You're right, I
Speaker 1: mean sometimes I've faced it when you have arguments with anybody.
Speaker 1: It can be with a friend, it can be with
Speaker 1: a parent, and compete with just you know, a coworker.
Speaker 1: Tone is everything. If you use this delivery is everything.
Speaker 1: It is difficult for someone to get upset at you.
Speaker 1: You see this tone right here, this very scene. But
Speaker 1: then people can take that as you're being sarcastic. No,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I'm not trying to I
Speaker 1: just want us to stay civilized. Look like mad forces
Speaker 1: you to calm down, because I'm not being crazy. This
Speaker 1: is the tone I used with her, use with my kids,
Speaker 1: used with my kids, especially with Jackson, because you know,
Speaker 1: Jackson's emotional. He's eight. He doesn't even know how to
Speaker 1: control his emotions. Sometimes he just get mad. Sometimes he's crying,
Speaker 1: and you know he's super happy. When I see him
Speaker 1: going through places in his life and he's going through points,
Speaker 1: I'll just be like Jack's Jack's listened to me. Everything's
Speaker 1: gonna be all right. You know what I'm saying. Well,
Speaker 1: I would love for you to use to use this
Speaker 1: tone with me more because I don't be hearing that
Speaker 1: ship all the time. You just be lying. I don't
Speaker 1: really hear that. You'll just be lying all right, whatever.
Speaker 1: You know what, guys, I can't win for trying. I
Speaker 1: can't win for trying, which is going to lead me
Speaker 1: to the third point. What's the third point? No one
Speaker 1: wanted to walk away? Oh, you don't be allowing me
Speaker 1: to walk away about so, guys, when you listened right
Speaker 1: in to understand, and you dropped your tone to make
Speaker 1: sure that you don't argue, and your wife still wants
Speaker 1: to scream and hollow at you, you say these words
Speaker 1: right here. Okay, baby, you got it. Okay, baby, you
Speaker 1: got it. I'll be the first one to pick up
Speaker 1: and take his keys and act like he's gonna go
Speaker 1: driving somewhere like you'll remember and um, wait until exhale
Speaker 1: when Angela Bassett got her her scarf on and suitcase
Speaker 1: and everything happened, guys, Okay, real quick, deval and I'm
Speaker 1: back in college right and had my own apartment on campus,
Speaker 1: and we had gotten into an argument about something. It
Speaker 1: was probably so stupid. I don't even remember what it
Speaker 1: was about Facebook. About Facebook. Yes, you had messaged a
Speaker 1: guy on Facebook. Give the context of the story. If
Speaker 1: you're gonna tell the whole story, get the context of
Speaker 1: the story. Let me show you how the context of
Speaker 1: the story works. Now, all right, I was an he
Speaker 1: took over my story. But ahead, I'm gonna gonna give
Speaker 1: you a story back. But I want you to understand
Speaker 1: why I walked away. I was an athlete, right, Division
Speaker 1: one athlete at Hofstra. Girls messaging me on Facebook, good game, devote.
Speaker 1: Oh these wholes messaging you. You didn't say that, these
Speaker 1: whole messages. So we had a basketball basketball team, right,
Speaker 1: she messaged one of the basketball players good game. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, so if a girl messaged me, she's
Speaker 1: a whole, but you can message one of the guys.
Speaker 1: She's like, that's my resident It's in the context of
Speaker 1: what it is. Yes, I was a resident director. I
Speaker 1: was in the athletic area. Here it comes the excuses.
Speaker 1: It's not see here he go with excuse. It's a reason.
Speaker 1: Why was that messaging athletes out of my Facebook? Was
Speaker 1: because they're my residents. They're my residents, and I maintain
Speaker 1: relationships with my residents because I'm the resident director that
Speaker 1: lived in a completely athletic area. No when to walk away?
Speaker 1: You know what, baby? You got it anyway, So that
Speaker 1: was that That's what we were arguing about. It was Facebook,
Speaker 1: so that was all you know in his feelings about
Speaker 1: me messaging athletes from my Facebook page, what she had
Speaker 1: complete access to. So I don't even know why he
Speaker 1: was tripping tripping anyway, but because she was in a
Speaker 1: different school. I'm walking away, all right, walk away. So
Speaker 1: Devout proceeds. Devout proceeds to walk away. Okay, okay, but
Speaker 1: it was like two degrees outside. It was cold as hell.
Speaker 1: Devout put on his bubble coat right then got one
Speaker 1: of my scarves and like wrapped it around his head literally,
Speaker 1: just like Angela. No. Actually was like Mary J. Blige
Speaker 1: in that video, not gonna cry, you know when she
Speaker 1: has on the dark glass working every day of the week,
Speaker 1: straight from the video. Right the suitcase. I don't even
Speaker 1: know where this dude found a suitcase and started shoving
Speaker 1: his clothes in the suitcase, right, putting his clothes in
Speaker 1: the suitcase. And I was like, you're just gonna Leave're
Speaker 1: gonna walk away because we're in an argument, Devout, because
Speaker 1: at this point we were about four years into the relationship,
Speaker 1: so I knew how to argue with him. Now, I
Speaker 1: wasn't doing the whole you know, I'm gonna be quiet
Speaker 1: and meek I was arguing back with him. So he
Speaker 1: shoves the stuff in the suitcase. He goes to get
Speaker 1: granola bars out the kitching and my don't get granola
Speaker 1: barsos his mom motherfucking granola bars. Put them ships back
Speaker 1: to the store to get them. Right, So he took
Speaker 1: all that stuff whatever whatever, forgot his toothbrushot threw it
Speaker 1: at him on if I take it to brush to
Speaker 1: another none of this. So at this point he's going
Speaker 1: back to his rule that leaves none did that leaves
Speaker 1: something like fine? Whatever, So he leaves. I get a
Speaker 1: knock at the door about to none of this happened
Speaker 1: two hours later. Don't touch my shoulder, my shoulder, don't
Speaker 1: touch my shoulder. Are you telling I was at the door.
Speaker 1: He pulls the scarf off his head, you know, takes
Speaker 1: off his like I envisioned sunglasses, but they're really wearing
Speaker 1: sunglasses because it was like midnight, walk back in with
Speaker 1: his suitcase and didn't even say anything to me. I
Speaker 1: just opened the door and I let him in, and
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, the argument is clearly done. That
Speaker 1: was so funny. I had to see it. Now that
Speaker 1: we're done with that, I've painted the picture. Now that
Speaker 1: we're done with that episode of the Young and the Restless, okay,
Speaker 1: we can get back to the truth, right. The truth
Speaker 1: is the truth feel ashamed? The truth is, don't feel
Speaker 1: ashamed about here. I just gave you two minutes to
Speaker 1: tell your stuf. Can I jump back in now? Thank you?
Speaker 1: So now let's get back to the point, all right.
Speaker 1: The point is when you argue with your wife, she's
Speaker 1: gonna come up with reasons why she can do things
Speaker 1: that you can't do. And when you try to explain
Speaker 1: to her that in the pursuit of fairness and equality,
Speaker 1: because that's all I want is equality, right, I just
Speaker 1: want balance on both sides. If a girl in boxes me,
Speaker 1: good game, and she's a whole. If you inbox another player,
Speaker 1: you look like a hole. That's all I was saying.
Speaker 1: She did not want to concede to that fact. So
Speaker 1: since she did not want to concede to that fact,
Speaker 1: it became an argument. And since she started to lose
Speaker 1: said arguments, she became irate, throwing tooth brushes at me.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't let me get no gleola bars. I didn't
Speaker 1: feel safe, all right. The end of the tooth brush
Speaker 1: had a point on it. I didn't want to get
Speaker 1: hit my eye. I'm an athlete. I need both my eyes.
Speaker 1: So I walked out. Yes it was cold, I'll put
Speaker 1: my bubble coat on because it was cold. I don't
Speaker 1: even own a scarf, don't even own I wouldn't put
Speaker 1: your scarf scar on. It was wendy that day, and
Speaker 1: I was not going to be at home because those
Speaker 1: were familiar residents to me. This was some trick from
Speaker 1: some next school that you all ended up texting back
Speaker 1: and forth. So, but that's an episode for another day, guys. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So I mean at that point, I think the distance
Speaker 1: in the space. I mean, some people have certain things
Speaker 1: that they do when they get caught up in the
Speaker 1: heat at the moment and they don't want to say
Speaker 1: something that they're going to regret, so they end up
Speaker 1: going on and like you know, either you count to ten,
Speaker 1: you don't do that. One to three is bothering me?
Speaker 1: Do you remember that from three to one to three?
Speaker 1: I tried alcohol? What I tried? I tried a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff to get to bring myself down from arguing
Speaker 1: with you, call a friend, cry to your mama, Um,
Speaker 1: even your mother know you crazy? So she just usually
Speaker 1: to be like your mother. You know how many times
Speaker 1: your mother not exchange looks and glances because we just
Speaker 1: know you crazy. Um. Shout out to to my mother
Speaker 1: in law, Karen, your bomb, because you know what I
Speaker 1: deal with on the today basis because you raised him,
Speaker 1: Yes she did, she did raise me. I love my
Speaker 1: mom all right, but arguing with you is exhausting, Like
Speaker 1: it's it's literally like draining like physically, like physically, mentally,
Speaker 1: emotionally all of the leaves I can think of draining.
Speaker 1: That's because you're just talking about no disrespect. That ship
Speaker 1: will have you all just jacked up in the head.
Speaker 1: For the life of me. This this is going on
Speaker 1: fifteen years now. How could you not see that if
Speaker 1: a chick facetime's me, she looked like a whole, but
Speaker 1: you just think times bad. But you're doing the same
Speaker 1: exact thing to another athlete. You don't look like a whole.
Speaker 1: How How can how can you, as a woman with
Speaker 1: a master's degree, not see the parallels inside story? This
Speaker 1: is the type of stuff that I got to deal
Speaker 1: with people. This is type of stuff you don't see
Speaker 1: the pos in the story. I already said mylesondings, I'm
Speaker 1: not going back to anything. You don't want to dug
Speaker 1: up the dirt. And he good for that, y'all, he
Speaker 1: gets so good for that. The plant is growing and
Speaker 1: it's nice and there's some light, there's water and it's
Speaker 1: like flourishing, and there's like flowers blooming, and he go
Speaker 1: dig up the dirt, dig up the dirt. And then
Speaker 1: you just want to suck the whole plant's life up,
Speaker 1: like why because the root is in the dirt. Okay,
Speaker 1: the root, the seeds are in the dirt. Right, we
Speaker 1: are trying to go to science class neither if you
Speaker 1: want to see now, when I start talking about the truth,
Speaker 1: she wants it's fun. And this is, my friends, is
Speaker 1: how we get through it. Yes, this is how we
Speaker 1: get This is how we get through our gument walk away.
Speaker 1: Learn which battles, learn which battles are worth fighting, and
Speaker 1: when it's not worth fighting. You know something that's interesting
Speaker 1: too with Devo. And I don't know if other people
Speaker 1: operate this way, because um, you don't like apologies, Like
Speaker 1: Devo doesn't like if something goes wrong, I make some
Speaker 1: I do something to make him upset. Devo does not
Speaker 1: like me. To apologize to him. Some people they'll say,
Speaker 1: I just simply want an apology. I just want you
Speaker 1: to say you're sorry. That's a lie. And if nobody
Speaker 1: ever wants you an apologize, what's your thought behind that
Speaker 1: the greatest apology has changed behavior? Don't don't keep apologizing
Speaker 1: that one more time? Drop that the greatest apology is
Speaker 1: changed the behavior. And the reason why I don't like
Speaker 1: apologies is because when people apologize, especially your spouse, but
Speaker 1: continue to do the same. No, I'm just I'm saying
Speaker 1: especially your spouses, because this is your life partner. If
Speaker 1: you continue to apologize and make the same mistake over
Speaker 1: and over and over again, and your apology means nothing.
Speaker 1: People do stuff to people that leave marks, whether it
Speaker 1: be externally or internally, it leaves marks, and other people
Speaker 1: feel like if I apologize, get over it, it's still
Speaker 1: left the mark and sometimes still hurts me. You know.
Speaker 1: Sometimes they're very disingenuous, like you feel like they're just
Speaker 1: saying exactly exactly you're trying to pacify, you're trying to pass.
Speaker 1: That's why I don't like And that's not even what
Speaker 1: just my wife, but anyone's business partners, the kids, you
Speaker 1: mentor Jackson Jackson. Even my kids like, don't don't tell
Speaker 1: me you saw it for doing something. They're gonna do
Speaker 1: it again, Bro, don't do that. That's just me though.
Speaker 1: I I just don't. I hate it. Guys, guys, do
Speaker 1: you see what just happened? We agreed on something. Wow,
Speaker 1: it happens once in a while under saying what you
Speaker 1: don't like apology? I picked you up. No, I don't.
Speaker 1: I've actually, you know what, I've come to learn that
Speaker 1: from you, I guess from hearing it so much. And
Speaker 1: that's kind of what happens when you're in relationships. You
Speaker 1: kind of adopt sometimes the ideologies that your partner has um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I kind of feel the same way now too.
Speaker 1: It's like you know, I do, though, would like to
Speaker 1: know people's perspective, which I think you do as well too.
Speaker 1: But the whole apologizing thing to kind of depending on
Speaker 1: who it comes from and how it comes from them,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean much. Well, it's funny because I saw something
Speaker 1: and I've learned this from and I learned this when
Speaker 1: I was very young from playing you No, right about
Speaker 1: the six in the nine. Remember I was telling about
Speaker 1: the six in the nine, So Just because you two
Speaker 1: people are arguing and they have different perspectives, don't mean
Speaker 1: someone is right or someone is wrong. If we're both
Speaker 1: looking at the same UNO card, take out the line
Speaker 1: that makes it the six or the nine. Right. If
Speaker 1: we're both looking at the same UNO card and you're
Speaker 1: looking from the top of it, you can see a six.
Speaker 1: If I'm looking from the bottom, I could see a nine.
Speaker 1: We're both looking at the same exact card. But since
Speaker 1: we're both looking from different perspectives, we're both actually right.
Speaker 1: And a lot of times in life that's what happens,
Speaker 1: what happens with a lot of arguments. Yes, just I'm
Speaker 1: on a different side of it, so I am right,
Speaker 1: and you're on a different side of it, and you're right,
Speaker 1: but you're not even trying to see it from my side,
Speaker 1: so you automatically say I'm wrong. I look at it
Speaker 1: from this side, and I say you're wrong, when what
Speaker 1: I should do is come to your side of the
Speaker 1: table and see your perspective and vice versa. Exactly. Look
Speaker 1: at you in your analogy, see what I'm saying in
Speaker 1: the nine, remember that about what else about the sixth
Speaker 1: and the nine though? And look at you being nasty.
Speaker 1: You know well, that's actually trying to solve a problem
Speaker 1: that's always act. You know what, that's so funny. That
Speaker 1: is so funny because one of our listener letters today
Speaker 1: talks about makeup six and if that's a good idea
Speaker 1: or a bad idea, listener, let's let's let's let's leave
Speaker 1: them a little cliffhanger. Think about that, y'all think about that.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back with these listener letters. This for
Speaker 1: the record, there it is a win for the ages.
Speaker 1: Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.
Speaker 1: In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am
Speaker 1: deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here
Speaker 1: it is. They'll return to glory. This is All American,
Speaker 1: a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell.
Speaker 1: You realize Tiger Woods doesn't know who he is best
Speaker 1: in the history of Gaul no question in my on
Speaker 1: and this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or your favorite podcast app. My favorite part of the
Speaker 1: show Conne's favorite as well, because we love to hear
Speaker 1: from you guys. We'd like to hear what you're thinking,
Speaker 1: what you want to know, and then we can give
Speaker 1: our little two cents about it too, you know. So
Speaker 1: the first question is do you think women who go
Speaker 1: through men's phones are nosy or just lack of trust?
Speaker 1: I mean, you're a woman. I'm a woman. A couple
Speaker 1: of times years, I think a lot of me is nosy. Like,
Speaker 1: to be completely honest, a lot of it is me
Speaker 1: being nosy just because it's not even just you. I
Speaker 1: feel like sometimes if we're sitting next to each other,
Speaker 1: if I'm sitting next to my brother, my sister, the
Speaker 1: phone goes off, the screen is lit, it's like you
Speaker 1: just kind of happened to glance over sometimes to see, like,
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. I honestly can't think
Speaker 1: of like why I do it. It may yeah, I
Speaker 1: may just be nosy and just be you know, we
Speaker 1: want to know, Like, you know, then again, you have
Speaker 1: those times where I've heard a lot of women say
Speaker 1: like I have this feeling, I have this gut instinct
Speaker 1: that something is not right, and then is not this
Speaker 1: y'all already know about the gut instinct. If you feel
Speaker 1: like something's wrong, chances are something is wrong, is wrong,
Speaker 1: And then sometime respond to that. If you look, you're
Speaker 1: gonna find something. And then if you want something to
Speaker 1: be wrong, you're gonna find something wrong. Like that's why
Speaker 1: I see that all the time. Would elaborate on that.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Do you mean like the energy
Speaker 1: you put out there is the energy you're gonna find? No,
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like in all honesty, say
Speaker 1: you're looking through somebody's phone, right, and you see some
Speaker 1: text messages from someone you don't know. If you're looking
Speaker 1: for something, you can make that into something. How come
Speaker 1: you don't have this number saved? What does she mean
Speaker 1: by this? What does she mean by that? Or you're
Speaker 1: trying to hide something now you're making something that could
Speaker 1: actually be nothing. And that's not just a woman thing,
Speaker 1: that's both people like people just go through that something.
Speaker 1: You know, a lot of people have insecurities. You have insecurities,
Speaker 1: and when you have insecurities, and and and I've noticed
Speaker 1: this in relationships, a lot of people tend to look
Speaker 1: for something to go wrong in a relationship, even if
Speaker 1: everything is perfect because they just can't believe that everything
Speaker 1: is very perfect. So it's like, let me find something wrong,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So now they're looking through phones,
Speaker 1: they looking through messages and they see a picture of somebody.
Speaker 1: Oh whah, who's who is this? That's my cousin? How
Speaker 1: far along cousin is? She is your first cousin or
Speaker 1: is this your second cousin twice removed? Because if it is,
Speaker 1: then you could still like that. People go through stuff
Speaker 1: like that. It's like, really like, are we really doing
Speaker 1: this right? And then what tends to happen is if
Speaker 1: one person checks the phone and they question you about something,
Speaker 1: then the other person who's phone got checked, it's like, well,
Speaker 1: why are you checking me? So now it becomes a
Speaker 1: back and forth issue where you're like, well, do you
Speaker 1: not trust me? And then that's when the argument becomes
Speaker 1: a thing do you really not trust the person? Or
Speaker 1: why exactly where we're snooping through the phone? So I
Speaker 1: think it really depends on the context of the relationship.
Speaker 1: You know, is this something that has happened in the past.
Speaker 1: Is the person known to do X y Z That
Speaker 1: would have you thinking, Okay, maybe this is you know.
Speaker 1: But my thing is my question, right, if you realistically
Speaker 1: got to wake up in the morning, it's be like
Speaker 1: you're going to check his phone? Like why even be
Speaker 1: in that? I agree, I have to agree with that.
Speaker 1: I mean the energy exude trying to like check my phone. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that had moments in the past where I have checked
Speaker 1: your phone, and now I'm just too busy to even care.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just me because I'm not a phone checker, Like,
Speaker 1: I just don't. And my thing is I feel like
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to find something. That's number one.
Speaker 1: I don't want to find anything. So you feel like
Speaker 1: unseen is better? No, not even unseen. I don't want
Speaker 1: to find anything. You have, you have mad clients in
Speaker 1: your phone. You do make up right, and I remember
Speaker 1: one time in particular, you had a client who was
Speaker 1: who was a dude, was trying to get makeup done
Speaker 1: for his wife, his life. What I'm saying, what if
Speaker 1: I'm going through your phone and you she's giving you
Speaker 1: information like, yo, can you can you do this time?
Speaker 1: Here's the hotel? You know what I'm trying. I mean,
Speaker 1: it could really go wrong fast. So imagine imagine that.
Speaker 1: Imagine that imagine I go through your emails and not
Speaker 1: go to your emails, right, and I see there, you
Speaker 1: know the guy's name. You know what I'm saying, This
Speaker 1: is the date, this time, it's the hotel. All of
Speaker 1: the details look mad suspicious. Then I show up at
Speaker 1: the hotel because I'm thinking something's going on. This like
Speaker 1: a whole movie. And he has, you know, he has
Speaker 1: a surprise ready for his wife, and you're there to
Speaker 1: do makeup. And I walk in there and you and
Speaker 1: you and they're doing makeup. I wouldn't look like a
Speaker 1: fucking idiot. And the only reason why I know this
Speaker 1: stuff is because we both have access to each other emails. Right,
Speaker 1: So she'll be like, she's black, babe, can you send
Speaker 1: you know, can you send this documentary? So and so
Speaker 1: we'll send my email. I'm at an event, So I'll
Speaker 1: go through the emails and I'm like which day. She's like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's around May whatever. So I'm coming through the emails
Speaker 1: and I see different people's names. So when you're going
Speaker 1: through and you're seeing different people's names, off, you like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that she is hilarious. If I did not know that
Speaker 1: you were a makeup art this, So if I did
Speaker 1: not know that that event was going on. I could
Speaker 1: easily think that this is something and imagine how you
Speaker 1: drive yourself crazy. Absolutely, your boys got to the hotel
Speaker 1: about to go with my wife. Then all me and
Speaker 1: my boys from Brooklyn, we all in this hotel anniversary exactly.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, ruin the whole surprise. That's
Speaker 1: why I'm think about how much time you invest following everyone,
Speaker 1: you know, someone's move, following their text, following and going
Speaker 1: through you can be investing that time in yourself in
Speaker 1: something else. Yo. You know what I mean. When we
Speaker 1: went through our whole situation and I asked you that,
Speaker 1: I'll say, Okay, the time you invested going in my phone,
Speaker 1: why why wouldn't you just invest that time into me?
Speaker 1: Because to me, I felt like if you invest that time, yeah,
Speaker 1: we were young, we were young, and I'm just like
Speaker 1: all the stuff that I asked you to do that
Speaker 1: you say you can't do. But you had time to
Speaker 1: go search my phone. Why don't you go put on
Speaker 1: some boy shorts like I like, and and do something
Speaker 1: like and swing from the shandeliers. Problem solved there you go.
Speaker 1: So I'm not I'm on the phone going through it,
Speaker 1: and I think that people should stay out of other
Speaker 1: people's phones. Right, all right, what's the next question? Next question,
Speaker 1: I'll get this one. Is makeup sex a good thing
Speaker 1: even if you're still mad af? It depends? Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: it depends on how good the makeup sexist thought. Okay,
Speaker 1: let no, I said. I only say that depends because
Speaker 1: then it can completely cloud judgment and cloud what the
Speaker 1: root of the problem was, and then it just kind
Speaker 1: It's another it's another way to kind of shove things
Speaker 1: under the rug, especially if one person knows in the
Speaker 1: argument that makeup sex will make the other person kind
Speaker 1: of concede and just kind of, you know, the argument
Speaker 1: just kind of dissipates. So who's the other person to say? So?
Speaker 1: Since women know most of the time that a man
Speaker 1: will concede if it's time to have makeup sex, not necessarily,
Speaker 1: because think about it, a man could be upset and
Speaker 1: a woman be like, yo, I know if I just
Speaker 1: stand there and I just give him some bomb head,
Speaker 1: everything will be fine. I'm telling you right now. Don't
Speaker 1: show me the exception and try to make it the rule.
Speaker 1: Most of the time, dudes be like yo, I ain't
Speaker 1: gonna turn down that sex. I don't care how mad
Speaker 1: I am. I'm not turning down that sex. That I
Speaker 1: ain't gonna stop him from being mad, but he's not
Speaker 1: gonna turn down that. But the worst thing is like,
Speaker 1: if you have the makeup sex and they are still
Speaker 1: mad after them, what do we accomplish sexy or sometimes
Speaker 1: the makeup sex. Sometimes you argue like we've had this
Speaker 1: happened to us where we are in an argument about nothing,
Speaker 1: and I mean it really is just because we'll boil
Speaker 1: it down to what it really is. I just miss
Speaker 1: you like I miss you. We had passionate love making
Speaker 1: in a while busy, So the bickering and the small
Speaker 1: arguments about nothing, we're really just because we miss each other.
Speaker 1: But it really wasn't about nothing. It was about at
Speaker 1: tension because we have arguments about being seeing each other
Speaker 1: every day but not being present with each other. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's the problem that we have a lot, y'all um
Speaker 1: in the house see each other a lot in the house,
Speaker 1: and it becomes monotonous. They don't hug me, she don't
Speaker 1: kiss me. I'm like, sounds like a sad said, So
Speaker 1: that's not true to me. Sad Sometimes be sad. I'll
Speaker 1: be like, you're looking at you some let me like,
Speaker 1: she just walked right by me and nothing like. Sometimes
Speaker 1: that happened because you be going back and forth with
Speaker 1: the kids and I try to remind him, like, you know,
Speaker 1: you ain't kissed me today, and she's like I didn't.
Speaker 1: Oh she she's just walked by. I'm like, okay, well
Speaker 1: I still get a kiss because I try to kiss you.
Speaker 1: Then anything all right? And then you turn up with
Speaker 1: a little stupid arguments. Just used game. I know what
Speaker 1: it is. Now, that's that's the best way here. Listen,
Speaker 1: there's another option. You don't want that option? What what's
Speaker 1: what's always the other option that people do when they
Speaker 1: don't get attention in their relationship, they go get attention
Speaker 1: somewhere else. No no, no, no, no no no, I'm not
Speaker 1: talking about virtual attention. This is upon a large part
Speaker 1: of the reason why people cheat is attention. It's attention,
Speaker 1: Like people love attention. You're not getting attention at home,
Speaker 1: They're going to get attention towhere else. That's not a
Speaker 1: man thing, that's not a thing. It's just an attention thing.
Speaker 1: You oh oh oh, so we here every day together,
Speaker 1: but you don't see me, you know what? See I mean.
Speaker 1: Kary just talked about it, how she felt like she
Speaker 1: developed some insecurity because she she wasn't getting attention from
Speaker 1: men on the street. She said, not that she wanted it,
Speaker 1: but that feeling of not getting attention. So if this
Speaker 1: is she her husband has made over a jillion dollars,
Speaker 1: he's one of the most famous people in the world,
Speaker 1: and she still wants attention from people, And imagine it's
Speaker 1: a human thing. I imagine if she's not getting attention
Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna. Would imagine if
Speaker 1: she's not getting attention from Steph and she's already feeling
Speaker 1: insecure because she's not getting attention from other men and
Speaker 1: it's not getting from attention from Steff, she might say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I need to go find somebody to
Speaker 1: give me some attention. You know what I'm saying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess in her instance is hard because people probably
Speaker 1: just trying to be respectful. Absolutely, you have to be
Speaker 1: respectful to somebody. You know that somebody's wife. Dudes, and
Speaker 1: dudes are paying attention to beautiful women. She's gorgeous, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you right now, as as you know,
Speaker 1: I don't miss a beautiful, beautiful man walk by. I
Speaker 1: would like yeah, and I'll be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this wow. Right. I think we both can appreciate beautiful people.
Speaker 1: But absolutely, but if you notice someone is married, you
Speaker 1: don't pay them attention, like you just don't knowingly, like
Speaker 1: you're knowingly not going to do that. So I understand
Speaker 1: what she's coming from. And as human nature, you want
Speaker 1: to be reminded that you are attractive and then someone
Speaker 1: wants you like you want that. So yes, and a
Speaker 1: lot of times that's what make up sex does. Make
Speaker 1: Up sex is like that reminder that I still want
Speaker 1: you right now, I still want you exactly yea. So
Speaker 1: it can help. And if you want to be featured
Speaker 1: as one of our listener letters, email us at dead
Speaker 1: ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A
Speaker 1: D A S S A d V I C E
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. So let me ask you a question, Yes,
Speaker 1: ask me a question, babe. What's your moment of truth
Speaker 1: from today? My moment of truth for this whole entire
Speaker 1: arguing respectfully situation. Um, I think the thing that resonates
Speaker 1: with me the most, or what I've learned in our
Speaker 1: entire stint, and then that's helped me deal with other
Speaker 1: people is being active in that moment of upset and
Speaker 1: not letting things fester. That's the biggest thing for me
Speaker 1: because I know, coming from my background where arguments or
Speaker 1: disagreements or just the way you feel was often not discussed.
Speaker 1: It led to so much unhappiness that I feel I
Speaker 1: could have been avoided with a simple conversation. So speaking
Speaker 1: about something in that time, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: in real time, dealing with it in real time is
Speaker 1: super important. Like you see it, you say it, um.
Speaker 1: And that sometimes can even avoid a blowout argument because
Speaker 1: you're getting to the root of the problem early, before
Speaker 1: things are festering and before feelings are compiling on top
Speaker 1: of each other. Um. So definitely trying to make sure
Speaker 1: whatever it is getting to the root of the problem
Speaker 1: in real time so that you can have probably a
Speaker 1: civilized discussion with a person, get both points of views, agree, disagree,
Speaker 1: move on, but at least you can feel like you're
Speaker 1: heard and that tension doesn't build. And it's important to
Speaker 1: do it in real time. So so you're pretty much
Speaker 1: your moment of truth is handle things when they happen. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: And I think that's a great um way to argue
Speaker 1: respectfully and prevent those blow up moments where you then
Speaker 1: have to now kind of be um reactive in a situation.
Speaker 1: I think it's a proactive approach. Actually be more proactive
Speaker 1: rather than reactive. Okay, I like that, thanks, Well. My
Speaker 1: moment of truth fighting fairly would be know the rules
Speaker 1: of engagement. Okay, so you know who you're dealing with,
Speaker 1: and every person deals with situations differently. You can't approach
Speaker 1: every argument or disagreement, whether it's with your spouse, your brother,
Speaker 1: your mother, your cowork or your boss. You can't approach
Speaker 1: every situation with your rules of engagement as the only
Speaker 1: rules you're you're willing to play by. So you mean
Speaker 1: curtailing your strategy for arguing depending on your audience, Yes,
Speaker 1: Because if I go into every argument saying, well, this
Speaker 1: is my stance and this is how I want to
Speaker 1: be respected, you're not even respecting the other people who
Speaker 1: you may be trying to negotiate with. So know the
Speaker 1: rules of engagement. For example, if I know that codeine
Speaker 1: shuts down right, I'm not going to go in there
Speaker 1: now and just press and press I'm gonna try to
Speaker 1: get from her perspective acy, Well, first, let me understand
Speaker 1: why she's shutting down. How can I get her out
Speaker 1: of shutting down? Rather than just pressing her questions to
Speaker 1: prove that I'm right, Let me go in there and
Speaker 1: see if I can get her to kind of break
Speaker 1: out of that shell a little bit. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. If I'm dealing with a person who is
Speaker 1: combative like me, let me go into that situation and
Speaker 1: try to settle it first, so that we can get
Speaker 1: some clear understanding of how we're even going to engage
Speaker 1: before we start the discussion. Because if you can't even
Speaker 1: engage properly in an argument, you're never going to get
Speaker 1: to the root of the problem because now you're gonna
Speaker 1: spend more time arguing about how you're arguing rather than
Speaker 1: getting to the root of it, and that gets exhausting,
Speaker 1: absolutely so for me, my moment of truth is knowing
Speaker 1: the rules of engagement. Know who you're engaging when you're
Speaker 1: having having a discussion, especially your significant other, and try
Speaker 1: to understand where they're coming from first before you put
Speaker 1: forth how you feel about it. Know the real the
Speaker 1: rules of engagement in real time Boom. There you go,
Speaker 1: the engagement in real time. Be sure to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media that's I am Devout. And if you're
Speaker 1: listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and subscribe
Speaker 1: that's right, and follow me as well on Instagram at Cadine.
Speaker 1: I Am Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher's produced
Speaker 1: by T Square, Stephanie Karauke and Dinor Opinion. Our executive
Speaker 1: producer is Chris Manning, and we'd like to give a
Speaker 1: special thanks to our recording engineer Jared O'Connell, our sound
Speaker 1: designer Brendan Burns, and studio manager Ashley Warren. We're back.
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitcher Net.
Speaker 1: We're called Substraction. That's available everywhere. Getting podcast at stood,
Speaker 1: your Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction
Speaker 1: right now, it's out. Do it please,