1
00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,080
Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

2
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,040
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

3
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,840
Speaker 1: called Defecto or defect Her, and we're gonna have a

4
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,719
Speaker 1: new podcast to go with it, This very podcast which

5
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,880
Speaker 1: has the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail

6
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,880
Speaker 1: every rust. Get your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go

7
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,520
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.

8
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:33,800
Speaker 1: Go listen to see by respectfully Codeine, you do not

9
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:38,600
Speaker 1: fight here and respectfully devot it was shut up. That's

10
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,919
Speaker 1: exactly what I'm talking about. You don't want to tell

11
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,640
Speaker 1: me to shut up all the time. That's the only

12
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:45,440
Speaker 1: solution I got to these arguments is to tell your

13
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:52,400
Speaker 1: ass to shut up. As Hey, I'm Codeine and we're

14
00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:55,600
Speaker 1: the Ellisits. You may know us from posting funny videos

15
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,240
Speaker 1: without boys and reading each other publicly as a form

16
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:03,160
Speaker 1: of therapy. Wait, I'm making need the other most days. Wow.

17
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,600
Speaker 1: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

18
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,160
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about

19
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,320
Speaker 1: some of the lives most taboo topics, things most folks

20
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,319
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a

21
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,640
Speaker 1: millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we

22
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,080
Speaker 1: say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually

23
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:23,840
Speaker 1: saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

24
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,640
Speaker 1: but the truth. We're about to take Phillow's off to

25
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:32,039
Speaker 1: a whole new levels. Starts now. This is right after

26
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,080
Speaker 1: we had Kaz and Cairo. Okay, I wake up in

27
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,160
Speaker 1: the morning to take Jackson to school, as I always do,

28
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:39,960
Speaker 1: try to do my best to be a family man.

29
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:45,639
Speaker 1: Right taking Jackson to school, Conine just randomly wakes up, Hey, babe,

30
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:51,800
Speaker 1: where's the stroller? Where's the stroller? The stroller? Story? Right, Um,

31
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:56,480
Speaker 1: I was postpartum times too. Oh my gosh. You always

32
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,680
Speaker 1: find excuses. It's not an excuse, it's a reason, and

33
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,960
Speaker 1: you and I can never argue that reason. But whatever,

34
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,440
Speaker 1: She's like, where's the stroller? So I'm like, which stroller?

35
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:05,920
Speaker 1: She's like, the little fold of stroller that was in

36
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,280
Speaker 1: the back of the car. Okay. So I used to

37
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:09,960
Speaker 1: have this car right at a seven. Got rid of

38
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,760
Speaker 1: it when I had my third child because I couldn't

39
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,040
Speaker 1: fit all three in the back. So this car was

40
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,120
Speaker 1: sitting in my brother's driveway for six months with the

41
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,160
Speaker 1: stroller in the back seat. I'm leaving. I'm going to

42
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,880
Speaker 1: get the car with my My father says, hey, devout, um,

43
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,359
Speaker 1: what you're gonna do with that stroll in the back.

44
00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:28,040
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not sure why. He's like, I know

45
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,079
Speaker 1: someone in the church. See how I throw the church

46
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,760
Speaker 1: in there, the church who might utilize the stroller. I said, sure,

47
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,359
Speaker 1: if you needed, we haven't used in a six months.

48
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,920
Speaker 1: The kids are out growing, and you can take the stroller. Boom.

49
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,280
Speaker 1: Fast forward back to this day with Cane. Codina asked

50
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,760
Speaker 1: for the stroller. I say, which stroller? She says, the

51
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,360
Speaker 1: stroller that was in the back of the car. Said oh,

52
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,520
Speaker 1: I think I put that stroller in the backyard at

53
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,560
Speaker 1: my parents house, or my father might have given it away.

54
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:57,760
Speaker 1: Snaps her neck around. What you gave away my stroller

55
00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:03,120
Speaker 1: without telling me. I'm tom out, it's our stroller number one.

56
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,560
Speaker 1: Number two. You haven't used the stroller in six months

57
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,239
Speaker 1: because it was wintertime in New York. I'm not pushing

58
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,799
Speaker 1: the babies around for walks in the snow. In my mind,

59
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I gave a stroller away. She goes,

60
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,680
Speaker 1: you gave away my stroller Devoal. So I'm like, yo,

61
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,119
Speaker 1: what you're getting attitude for? We got three other strollers,

62
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,600
Speaker 1: but that's not the stroller that I wanted. You can't

63
00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,080
Speaker 1: just give away my stroller. I'm like, yo, I'm not

64
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,639
Speaker 1: having this conversation all right, you're being a brat. I'm

65
00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:30,520
Speaker 1: being a brat. Deval susitute and walk away. So now

66
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,360
Speaker 1: I'm trying not to argue with her because we're in

67
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,280
Speaker 1: front of our kids. So I'm getting ready for Jackson

68
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,680
Speaker 1: school or whatever. She comes back in the bedroom when

69
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,480
Speaker 1: an attitude. I'm like, yo, you really got an attitude

70
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,640
Speaker 1: over a stroller again. So I'm like, you know what,

71
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:52,880
Speaker 1: fuck that stroller. Then goes no, divin you. I'm like,

72
00:03:53,080 --> 00:04:01,080
Speaker 1: fuck me, o stroller over over stroller. So now I'm pissed, right,

73
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,760
Speaker 1: So I'm like, you know what, I slammed the door

74
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,560
Speaker 1: closed because the doors open, I was getting ready to leave.

75
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,000
Speaker 1: That's nothing. I said. No, Now I'm not taking Jackson school.

76
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,760
Speaker 1: We're gonna discuss this before I leave. Jackson looked at

77
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,480
Speaker 1: her look at me. It was just like, wait a minute.

78
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,520
Speaker 1: Now I can't go to school and learn because y'all arguing.

79
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,960
Speaker 1: So I'm like fine, because now I got to put

80
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,800
Speaker 1: the children first. When we get back, we're going to

81
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,120
Speaker 1: discuss this. But but you know what happened, Uh, you

82
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,239
Speaker 1: got the stroller back. No long story short, my father

83
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,599
Speaker 1: never even gave away the stroller. He put it back

84
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,560
Speaker 1: in storage. So I got cussed out over a stroller

85
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,120
Speaker 1: that I didn't even give away. I didn't even give

86
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,279
Speaker 1: the stroller. We needed to be sure about what you

87
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,880
Speaker 1: did with it before you go ahead and tell a

88
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,280
Speaker 1: woman you gave away her ship. All right, So you're

89
00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,640
Speaker 1: not gonna admit that you was wrong. I don't think

90
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,440
Speaker 1: I was wrong, And there you go. You don't fight

91
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:54,200
Speaker 1: the end. You don't fight fair end. There's a strange

92
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:59,560
Speaker 1: in my house. Person. It took a while to fake garm.

93
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,719
Speaker 1: It's just there's no way you could be saying you are.

94
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:11,040
Speaker 1: You gotta be someone else because he touched me like that,

95
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:17,599
Speaker 1: And he wouldn't argue like you do. You don't, Yes,

96
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:21,120
Speaker 1: I do, No, you don't. He wouldn't ignore. I don't

97
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:24,760
Speaker 1: ever ignore you. I argue, did I stop lying? I argue?

98
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,960
Speaker 1: Cut the song? Cut the song. I let you have,

99
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,600
Speaker 1: I let you have karaoke time. But I should have

100
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,560
Speaker 1: been singing that song. What do you mean you you

101
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,560
Speaker 1: are a different person when you argue. When I argue,

102
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,840
Speaker 1: I have to roll out my points. Just because I

103
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:46,479
Speaker 1: have justifications and reasons does not mean that I'm a

104
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,920
Speaker 1: different person. No, it's not justification of reasons. But you like,

105
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,279
Speaker 1: for example, like the post the emotional aspect of it,

106
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,920
Speaker 1: and the postpartum excuse. You've been postpartum since I met you.

107
00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,359
Speaker 1: It's not an excuse since you met me. Shut up.

108
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,840
Speaker 1: When we get into argument, you're trying to show, yes,

109
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,680
Speaker 1: you are where we argue. You'd be like, you know

110
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,600
Speaker 1: I'm going to in college. You know it was my cycle.

111
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,359
Speaker 1: You know how I get you always have any excuse

112
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,359
Speaker 1: as to why you get to be extra during an argument. True,

113
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,559
Speaker 1: you you like to blame it on things like my cycle,

114
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,520
Speaker 1: because you're going I'm emotional, when when I argue with you,

115
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:24,640
Speaker 1: it's not emotional always always, That is not true. I've

116
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,120
Speaker 1: come a long way with the cry. I used to

117
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,560
Speaker 1: cry back in the day, but I don't cry no more.

118
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,960
Speaker 1: I don't cry no more. You know what the funny

119
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,320
Speaker 1: thing is, guys, I have to tell y'all, when I

120
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,320
Speaker 1: met de Val years ago, what is it almost seventeen

121
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,240
Speaker 1: years ago when he had a disagreement with me, I

122
00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:42,840
Speaker 1: actually used to shut down a lot. Yes, so that's

123
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:47,080
Speaker 1: one thing are arguing styles were very different, or disagreement

124
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,719
Speaker 1: styles were different, and it really dates back to our families.

125
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,800
Speaker 1: So let's talk about how the way we're raised. Well,

126
00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:55,880
Speaker 1: the first thing. First thing is let's talk about how

127
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,719
Speaker 1: we resolve that issue with the stroller. We got the

128
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,600
Speaker 1: stroller back from Dad and the two of us actually

129
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:06,160
Speaker 1: sat down and broke down the root of the problem,

130
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:09,480
Speaker 1: and that's how we discovered that, you know what, it

131
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,640
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the stroller. Codeine woke up

132
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,040
Speaker 1: upset because she didn't get a lot of sleep, so

133
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:17,520
Speaker 1: she was just in a bad mood that morning, and

134
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,360
Speaker 1: the first thing I said was going to trigger her

135
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,280
Speaker 1: to be upset, and it just so happened to be

136
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,760
Speaker 1: the stroller. And then for me, I took that and

137
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,000
Speaker 1: I internalized it as you know, like, what's your problem,

138
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,360
Speaker 1: why you were attacking me? And what I did wrong

139
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,960
Speaker 1: was when she when she cursed, you know you take

140
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:37,040
Speaker 1: away my ship. My petty response was pretty much, fuck

141
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:40,560
Speaker 1: your ship, and her petty response was to trump my

142
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,840
Speaker 1: funk your ship and to say fuck you is the

143
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:48,880
Speaker 1: ultimate grudge holder sidebar. Just so y'all know he's petty

144
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,520
Speaker 1: and I'm working on it, dough, I'm working on it.

145
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,840
Speaker 1: I let a lot of ship go. You know, you

146
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,640
Speaker 1: wouldn't know because I let it go. You see what

147
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,680
Speaker 1: I'm saying, because I guess you can see the growth

148
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,360
Speaker 1: in your I don't see it some days. Let me

149
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:05,560
Speaker 1: tell you something. If I wasn't letting ship go, and

150
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,640
Speaker 1: we wouldn't be talking right now. All right, all right,

151
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,240
Speaker 1: let me get that straight. Alright, fine, So it really

152
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,680
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with the stroller, and it was

153
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,760
Speaker 1: just she woke up in a bad spot. I woke

154
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:20,040
Speaker 1: up and rather than trying to not take it personal

155
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,760
Speaker 1: what she was going through, I just tried to. I

156
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,480
Speaker 1: tried to up her petty and just try to attack

157
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,760
Speaker 1: her back, which was a mistake on my part, you

158
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,160
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. So, which is a good tip

159
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,040
Speaker 1: to think about too. You think about the four Agreements,

160
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,320
Speaker 1: and one of the agreements that says not to take

161
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,720
Speaker 1: things personally anything. Don't take anything personally. So what that

162
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,920
Speaker 1: person is going through and the context in which they

163
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,640
Speaker 1: say something, or they interact with you or they argue

164
00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:44,480
Speaker 1: with you may have nothing to do with you, per

165
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,800
Speaker 1: se doesn't. It's going to pretty much be surrounding what

166
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,920
Speaker 1: happens and in there in their life. And let's let's

167
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,720
Speaker 1: give him an example, right, Like, you're walking down the

168
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,480
Speaker 1: street and uh, you see you see a young lady

169
00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:58,920
Speaker 1: and you say, hey, young lady, and she's just like,

170
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,800
Speaker 1: what are you talking to me? You don't know that

171
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,720
Speaker 1: she might have found out, you know, she lost one

172
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,920
Speaker 1: of her close friends. She might have just lost her job.

173
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,480
Speaker 1: So her just saying ill while you're talking to me

174
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,480
Speaker 1: was a projection of what she's going through in her life.

175
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,920
Speaker 1: And you're the first person that she just took the

176
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,960
Speaker 1: anger out on. Most people internalized that that interaction and say, wow,

177
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,840
Speaker 1: what what is wrong with me? That she attacked me?

178
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,040
Speaker 1: But it goes both ways. You walk by, you see

179
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,000
Speaker 1: a young lady and say hey, young lady, and she's like, yo,

180
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,680
Speaker 1: you're the most beautiful man in the world. Well, you

181
00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:26,360
Speaker 1: don't know is that she just won the lotto, she

182
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,240
Speaker 1: just got her promotion, you know what I'm saying. So

183
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,640
Speaker 1: you internalized that and you be like, damn, I'm this ship.

184
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,520
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. This young lady says, I'm

185
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,760
Speaker 1: the most beautiful man she ever seen. So I think

186
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,880
Speaker 1: that that rule changed my life, you know, reading that

187
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,240
Speaker 1: book and the four Agreements, But that rule changed my

188
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,240
Speaker 1: life because it taught me to not take everything someone

189
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,640
Speaker 1: says to her because it's really not me. It just

190
00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,760
Speaker 1: shows more about them, right, which could be a good

191
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,119
Speaker 1: tactic for whenever you're getting into an argument or disagreement

192
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,520
Speaker 1: or just like having a debate with someone absolutely just

193
00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:57,960
Speaker 1: really taken to consideration where they possibly could be in

194
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,920
Speaker 1: that in that circumstance or what been that caused them

195
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,160
Speaker 1: to feel the way they feel in that time. And

196
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,440
Speaker 1: it may not be you, you know, like in that

197
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:11,720
Speaker 1: circumstance with the stroller, like it wasn't it wasn't you. Yeah,

198
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,760
Speaker 1: we have some great makeup, sexy and then always always

199
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:20,200
Speaker 1: good good. So let's talk about how our argument styles

200
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,680
Speaker 1: were like super different, especially at their beginning. And like

201
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,520
Speaker 1: I said in the beginning, this kind of dates back

202
00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:26,319
Speaker 1: to how things were dealt within our household. You know,

203
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,720
Speaker 1: we've spoken before about how your parents um and how

204
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,080
Speaker 1: they deal with you than impacts how you are as

205
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,960
Speaker 1: a human being. So when it came to arguing in

206
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,599
Speaker 1: my household, for example, um, the way I've seen my

207
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,800
Speaker 1: parents deal with it, or even just relationships with my

208
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,800
Speaker 1: brother and my sister, my father and my sister, my brother,

209
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:50,360
Speaker 1: you know, just within the family, our mechanism was dodging. Yeah.

210
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,800
Speaker 1: The way they argue is to not to argue, like

211
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,840
Speaker 1: we just kind of get quiet. No one really communicates,

212
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,840
Speaker 1: and it's just kind of like, oh, let's hope that

213
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,400
Speaker 1: this will kind of fizzle over and just die out

214
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:06,280
Speaker 1: and everything will be fine. Yeah. And and that's and

215
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,720
Speaker 1: now where I am in life with Develo and just

216
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,400
Speaker 1: in general as a grown adult, I can see how

217
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,360
Speaker 1: that has negatively impacted a lot of my family's progress.

218
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,200
Speaker 1: And I feel like we could have done a lot

219
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,439
Speaker 1: more and come a lot farther along had we been

220
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,120
Speaker 1: able to have open discussions that don't necessarily even have

221
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:28,840
Speaker 1: to be arguments, communicating disagreements, or if you feel a

222
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,880
Speaker 1: kind of way about something, being able to open up

223
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:33,640
Speaker 1: and say, hey, I feel this way about it and

224
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,680
Speaker 1: not be apologetic about it, to unapologetically say how you feel.

225
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,920
Speaker 1: And I feel like now I've kind of become that

226
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:43,480
Speaker 1: voice from my family, I think through our relationship, being

227
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,800
Speaker 1: able to get my family together and us really sitting

228
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,160
Speaker 1: down and getting to the bottom of what is bothering

229
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,320
Speaker 1: each person, because I genuinely want to know, you know,

230
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,520
Speaker 1: and that the whole like elephant in the room and

231
00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:57,679
Speaker 1: the tension that should gets so old. Yeah, I guess, oh,

232
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,520
Speaker 1: I guess oh. And the funny thing is that that

233
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:04,280
Speaker 1: never existed in my house. We used to have family

234
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,360
Speaker 1: caucuses in my house, like family discussions where my mother

235
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,679
Speaker 1: would be like, Okay, you know, we're gonna sit down,

236
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,280
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about it, and I ain't gonna lie.

237
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,480
Speaker 1: Growing up like, man, no, nobody want to talk about

238
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,320
Speaker 1: this ship man Like like some stuff you just don't

239
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,160
Speaker 1: want to talk about. But then while you're talking about it,

240
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,120
Speaker 1: you're crying, you're letting stuff out, you letting your feelings

241
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,480
Speaker 1: be heard. And then now you know how your parents feel,

242
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,880
Speaker 1: your parents know how you feel, and then you feel

243
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,679
Speaker 1: better the next day because it's all out. And sometimes,

244
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,280
Speaker 1: like you said, it was never a thing where we

245
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,600
Speaker 1: hugged afterwards and it was an agreement. Sometimes we just

246
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,559
Speaker 1: argued and we was like, you know what this it

247
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,720
Speaker 1: is just it is what it is. I feel this

248
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,840
Speaker 1: way about this, you feel this way about that. Go

249
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,880
Speaker 1: out separate ways and we'll try to find a way

250
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,560
Speaker 1: to work it out. But at least I know how

251
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,960
Speaker 1: you feel and you know how I feel. So when

252
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,240
Speaker 1: me and Cadeen started dating, and you know, we were

253
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,640
Speaker 1: trying to figure each other out, I would be pressing

254
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,720
Speaker 1: her about stuff because I would want to talk about it,

255
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,400
Speaker 1: and she would just be sitting and I felt like

256
00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:01,760
Speaker 1: him pressing me about it and not even say in

257
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:05,240
Speaker 1: an aggressive manner, but just like you know, being engaged

258
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,480
Speaker 1: and being passionate about the way he felt about something

259
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,600
Speaker 1: and really wanting to hear what I felt. I kind

260
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,480
Speaker 1: of took that as an attack because she got super

261
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,360
Speaker 1: used to get super defensive or I get super quiet

262
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,160
Speaker 1: and just not want to argue or not want to talk,

263
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,040
Speaker 1: and me not very intimidated, right, I mean, I'm nineteen

264
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,880
Speaker 1: at the time, so I'm not knowing that there are

265
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,920
Speaker 1: layers to why she is the way she is. I'm

266
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,880
Speaker 1: just thinking, like what is wrong with her, you know so,

267
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,000
Speaker 1: and and me just being a person I am, I

268
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,040
Speaker 1: continue to put you know, press, press, press, and she

269
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,720
Speaker 1: continues to get in defense defense and shut down, and

270
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,880
Speaker 1: it would just be like a big blow up and

271
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,920
Speaker 1: it would always end in tears. And there's like something's

272
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,120
Speaker 1: wrong with you and know something's wrong with you. And

273
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:47,760
Speaker 1: we learned over time like these three techniques pretty much

274
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,400
Speaker 1: to help us, you know, get through these issues. And

275
00:13:51,559 --> 00:13:55,880
Speaker 1: the first technique that we learned was listening listening. And

276
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,160
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be clear too, sometimes in the heat

277
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,920
Speaker 1: of the moment, you can't go back to techniques, and

278
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,760
Speaker 1: you can't go back to like really saying, oh, here's

279
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,640
Speaker 1: the bullet points that I have and whatever. But um,

280
00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:08,360
Speaker 1: I think one thing that is um kind of universal

281
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,480
Speaker 1: when you deal with any kind of relationship because of

282
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:13,240
Speaker 1: course listening and not just listening to hear and taking

283
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,320
Speaker 1: what the other person is saying and then be ready

284
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,840
Speaker 1: to kind of blurt back your stance on it, but

285
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:22,520
Speaker 1: really actively listening with understand and with the with the

286
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,360
Speaker 1: intent to really get the other person's perspective. Though you

287
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,360
Speaker 1: may not agree, you can at least try to respect it.

288
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,640
Speaker 1: But that's the most important point. And that's what we learned,

289
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,440
Speaker 1: was like, you have to listen to understand, not listen

290
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,800
Speaker 1: to agree. When I'm listening to you, I'm not listening

291
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,960
Speaker 1: to say, Okay, I get your point and you're right. No,

292
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,840
Speaker 1: it's I'm listening to get your point and see where

293
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,520
Speaker 1: you're coming from. So I get it, I get it,

294
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,840
Speaker 1: I get your point, but you're free as an individual

295
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,800
Speaker 1: to say I get your point, but this is my point, right.

296
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,920
Speaker 1: And we had to learn that and we're still learning

297
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,240
Speaker 1: that now because we still have disagreements to this day,

298
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,960
Speaker 1: like the stroller situation where I hear what you're saying

299
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,520
Speaker 1: it right, but the ship just sounds stupid to me,

300
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,520
Speaker 1: and she'll be like, shut up the vow and at

301
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,720
Speaker 1: least we go our own separate ways, knowing that we're

302
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,880
Speaker 1: never ever gonna agree on that situation, right we you know,

303
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,800
Speaker 1: we we let it out. You know, you get that

304
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,920
Speaker 1: out the room. The tension is gone. But listening, like

305
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,640
Speaker 1: like like you said, listening. And I think this was

306
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,920
Speaker 1: something that K kind of brought up to me because

307
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,640
Speaker 1: I was bad at doing this. I was I was

308
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:29,040
Speaker 1: bad at doing this. I used to be so used

309
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,760
Speaker 1: to the family caucuses that I would have to prove

310
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,760
Speaker 1: my point. And that's why my father said I was

311
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:37,080
Speaker 1: always I would always be an attorney, and he was

312
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,080
Speaker 1: just like the value, like you, you don't always have

313
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,560
Speaker 1: to prove that your point is better or your point

314
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,000
Speaker 1: is right. It's just she has a point. You have

315
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,840
Speaker 1: a point, your mom has a point, I have a point,

316
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,480
Speaker 1: your brother has a point. No, no point is better

317
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,800
Speaker 1: than the other. It's just we all have different points

318
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,840
Speaker 1: of view. The problem is that you think your points

319
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,040
Speaker 1: are right though all the time. At my points all

320
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,520
Speaker 1: right here, we go points all right here because they're

321
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:04,680
Speaker 1: my point. Okay, okay, my points are right because there points.

322
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,160
Speaker 1: But I can also I've grown to accept that your

323
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:18,160
Speaker 1: points are right too. See how I did that there? Yea, yeah,

324
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,280
Speaker 1: I mean well, I feel like with you sometimes I

325
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,360
Speaker 1: have to listen and I have to be able to refute. Okay, um.

326
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,280
Speaker 1: And I don't know why that is. I think because

327
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,600
Speaker 1: sometimes because you always think your argument is right, um,

328
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,960
Speaker 1: I in turns feel like I have to take your

329
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,120
Speaker 1: argument in but be like devout. This is the reason

330
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,440
Speaker 1: why I did X, Y Z. And it's not to

331
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,360
Speaker 1: say that it should diminish the way you feel about

332
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,880
Speaker 1: what I did, but I at least want to. I

333
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,160
Speaker 1: want you to know how I arrived at whatever act

334
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,600
Speaker 1: I did that made you upset, or if I didn't

335
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:51,320
Speaker 1: do something right. So whenever we argue, for example, sometimes

336
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,200
Speaker 1: if I gets upset because he feels like I'm trying

337
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,960
Speaker 1: to make an excuse for why I did what I did,

338
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,640
Speaker 1: and I hate that word. You're making an excuse. You're

339
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,320
Speaker 1: making an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

340
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,960
Speaker 1: Like if I do something and I'm deliberate about it,

341
00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:06,760
Speaker 1: I may this is the reason why X y Z

342
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,360
Speaker 1: had me arrived at this point, and this is why

343
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,160
Speaker 1: I did what I did. If you took it that way,

344
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:16,520
Speaker 1: my bad. I'm sorry you feel that way. However, they

345
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:21,560
Speaker 1: can see your face say what's up? What's up? But

346
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,960
Speaker 1: if I arrived at this and this is how I

347
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,199
Speaker 1: arrived at it, I at least want you to know

348
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,240
Speaker 1: the reasoning behind that. And I hate when you tell

349
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:34,000
Speaker 1: me I'm making excuses because it's not an excuse. Is

350
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:38,360
Speaker 1: that your perspective? Is that your perspective? We don't even

351
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:43,360
Speaker 1: argue about nothing. If that is your perspective, I'll accept it, okay.

352
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,639
Speaker 1: And that takes us to our second point, which is

353
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,920
Speaker 1: thinking carefully about how to phrase your words. I thought

354
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,080
Speaker 1: I owe you out the window because a lot of

355
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,919
Speaker 1: times like that, the whole funk you. I didn't think

356
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,399
Speaker 1: about it, I just said it. Now. This is where

357
00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:01,120
Speaker 1: as a man as the has been in the relationship

358
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:05,160
Speaker 1: the leader, I learned to use what's called the argument voice.

359
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:11,080
Speaker 1: You're listening to. This is the argument voice right now, Babe.

360
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,240
Speaker 1: I just want to say, then you go forth with

361
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,400
Speaker 1: your opinion, because your tone is going to pretty much

362
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,280
Speaker 1: present what you think, and no matter what you say,

363
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,840
Speaker 1: if your tone is wrong, your wife is gonna only

364
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,840
Speaker 1: want to talk about your tone. So I could say, Babe,

365
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,359
Speaker 1: I think you're the greatest wife in the world, but

366
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,760
Speaker 1: if my tone is off, she's gonna be like, what

367
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,199
Speaker 1: you mean by that? And I'm gonna be like, I

368
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,200
Speaker 1: just said you were the greatest wife in the world.

369
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,960
Speaker 1: But no, it was how you said it. How you

370
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:47,240
Speaker 1: said it me doesn't mean that I'm the greatest wife. Son.

371
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,760
Speaker 1: It's very important is actually reversed for us because you're

372
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,399
Speaker 1: always coming at me from my tone because your tone

373
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,520
Speaker 1: be Wow, you screamed out fuck you to me, like

374
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,199
Speaker 1: there's no way to say that in a good tone. Okay,

375
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,119
Speaker 1: So that okay, that one thing, but there's a lot

376
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,240
Speaker 1: of other times where we're talking. I really just say

377
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,399
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and I think you think because I'm

378
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,280
Speaker 1: so eloquent with my speech, that I am coming across

379
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,600
Speaker 1: as being condescending when I'm not actually trying to throw

380
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,000
Speaker 1: big words at me. Right, So, you see how you

381
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 1: trying to throw big words at me. I can't help

382
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,320
Speaker 1: it formulate my thoughts in a way, and I'm passionate

383
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,399
Speaker 1: about the way I feel, and I say it, Okay,

384
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:27,760
Speaker 1: everybody construe that, all right, You misconstrue that, okay, having

385
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,359
Speaker 1: an attitude. No, I just and it's not an attitude.

386
00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:33,200
Speaker 1: I can just be passionate about the way I feel.

387
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,280
Speaker 1: And it's not being an emotional woman. I don't give

388
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,760
Speaker 1: me that ship either. It's about me being able to

389
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,639
Speaker 1: formulate my thoughts and tell you how I feel about

390
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,320
Speaker 1: something and you understanding where I'm coming from with it

391
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,679
Speaker 1: and not getting down on me about I don't like

392
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,919
Speaker 1: the way you said it, because it is important for

393
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,200
Speaker 1: both of us, not just you but me as well

394
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:54,960
Speaker 1: as the man, that we both express ourselves respectfully. You

395
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,960
Speaker 1: see how I'm using that tone right now, and you

396
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,760
Speaker 1: see how it's calming you down. I see, we have

397
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,080
Speaker 1: to use our tones respectively, and if we use our

398
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,920
Speaker 1: tones respectively, we can convey our message. You're right, I

399
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,480
Speaker 1: mean sometimes I've faced it when you have arguments with anybody.

400
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,080
Speaker 1: It can be with a friend, it can be with

401
00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:12,280
Speaker 1: a parent, and compete with just you know, a coworker.

402
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,440
Speaker 1: Tone is everything. If you use this delivery is everything.

403
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,399
Speaker 1: It is difficult for someone to get upset at you.

404
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,800
Speaker 1: You see this tone right here, this very scene. But

405
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,360
Speaker 1: then people can take that as you're being sarcastic. No,

406
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,680
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I'm not trying to I

407
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:32,760
Speaker 1: just want us to stay civilized. Look like mad forces

408
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,639
Speaker 1: you to calm down, because I'm not being crazy. This

409
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,600
Speaker 1: is the tone I used with her, use with my kids,

410
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,720
Speaker 1: used with my kids, especially with Jackson, because you know,

411
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,000
Speaker 1: Jackson's emotional. He's eight. He doesn't even know how to

412
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,560
Speaker 1: control his emotions. Sometimes he just get mad. Sometimes he's crying,

413
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,440
Speaker 1: and you know he's super happy. When I see him

414
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,879
Speaker 1: going through places in his life and he's going through points,

415
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,040
Speaker 1: I'll just be like Jack's Jack's listened to me. Everything's

416
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,399
Speaker 1: gonna be all right. You know what I'm saying. Well,

417
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,240
Speaker 1: I would love for you to use to use this

418
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,879
Speaker 1: tone with me more because I don't be hearing that

419
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:05,160
Speaker 1: ship all the time. You just be lying. I don't

420
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,200
Speaker 1: really hear that. You'll just be lying all right, whatever.

421
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,720
Speaker 1: You know what, guys, I can't win for trying. I

422
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,680
Speaker 1: can't win for trying, which is going to lead me

423
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,119
Speaker 1: to the third point. What's the third point? No one

424
00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:17,399
Speaker 1: wanted to walk away? Oh, you don't be allowing me

425
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,800
Speaker 1: to walk away about so, guys, when you listened right

426
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,320
Speaker 1: in to understand, and you dropped your tone to make

427
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,800
Speaker 1: sure that you don't argue, and your wife still wants

428
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,240
Speaker 1: to scream and hollow at you, you say these words

429
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:37,040
Speaker 1: right here. Okay, baby, you got it. Okay, baby, you

430
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,520
Speaker 1: got it. I'll be the first one to pick up

431
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,199
Speaker 1: and take his keys and act like he's gonna go

432
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,040
Speaker 1: driving somewhere like you'll remember and um, wait until exhale

433
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 1: when Angela Bassett got her her scarf on and suitcase

434
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:58,960
Speaker 1: and everything happened, guys, Okay, real quick, deval and I'm

435
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,280
Speaker 1: back in college right and had my own apartment on campus,

436
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,639
Speaker 1: and we had gotten into an argument about something. It

437
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,480
Speaker 1: was probably so stupid. I don't even remember what it

438
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 1: was about Facebook. About Facebook. Yes, you had messaged a

439
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,959
Speaker 1: guy on Facebook. Give the context of the story. If

440
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,679
Speaker 1: you're gonna tell the whole story, get the context of

441
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,520
Speaker 1: the story. Let me show you how the context of

442
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,200
Speaker 1: the story works. Now, all right, I was an he

443
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,239
Speaker 1: took over my story. But ahead, I'm gonna gonna give

444
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,080
Speaker 1: you a story back. But I want you to understand

445
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 1: why I walked away. I was an athlete, right, Division

446
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:33,719
Speaker 1: one athlete at Hofstra. Girls messaging me on Facebook, good game, devote.

447
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 1: Oh these wholes messaging you. You didn't say that, these

448
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:42,000
Speaker 1: whole messages. So we had a basketball basketball team, right,

449
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,119
Speaker 1: she messaged one of the basketball players good game. And

450
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, so if a girl messaged me, she's

451
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,000
Speaker 1: a whole, but you can message one of the guys.

452
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 1: She's like, that's my resident It's in the context of

453
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,960
Speaker 1: what it is. Yes, I was a resident director. I

454
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,720
Speaker 1: was in the athletic area. Here it comes the excuses.

455
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,600
Speaker 1: It's not see here he go with excuse. It's a reason.

456
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 1: Why was that messaging athletes out of my Facebook? Was

457
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,840
Speaker 1: because they're my residents. They're my residents, and I maintain

458
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,800
Speaker 1: relationships with my residents because I'm the resident director that

459
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:15,480
Speaker 1: lived in a completely athletic area. No when to walk away?

460
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,480
Speaker 1: You know what, baby? You got it anyway, So that

461
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,840
Speaker 1: was that That's what we were arguing about. It was Facebook,

462
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 1: so that was all you know in his feelings about

463
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: me messaging athletes from my Facebook page, what she had

464
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: complete access to. So I don't even know why he

465
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:33,280
Speaker 1: was tripping tripping anyway, but because she was in a

466
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 1: different school. I'm walking away, all right, walk away. So

467
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:45,560
Speaker 1: Devout proceeds. Devout proceeds to walk away. Okay, okay, but

468
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 1: it was like two degrees outside. It was cold as hell.

469
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,439
Speaker 1: Devout put on his bubble coat right then got one

470
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,080
Speaker 1: of my scarves and like wrapped it around his head literally,

471
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,520
Speaker 1: just like Angela. No. Actually was like Mary J. Blige

472
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,720
Speaker 1: in that video, not gonna cry, you know when she

473
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:08,399
Speaker 1: has on the dark glass working every day of the week,

474
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:13,680
Speaker 1: straight from the video. Right the suitcase. I don't even

475
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,760
Speaker 1: know where this dude found a suitcase and started shoving

476
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,159
Speaker 1: his clothes in the suitcase, right, putting his clothes in

477
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 1: the suitcase. And I was like, you're just gonna Leave're

478
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,040
Speaker 1: gonna walk away because we're in an argument, Devout, because

479
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,120
Speaker 1: at this point we were about four years into the relationship,

480
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,800
Speaker 1: so I knew how to argue with him. Now, I

481
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,879
Speaker 1: wasn't doing the whole you know, I'm gonna be quiet

482
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,199
Speaker 1: and meek I was arguing back with him. So he

483
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,880
Speaker 1: shoves the stuff in the suitcase. He goes to get

484
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:35,560
Speaker 1: granola bars out the kitching and my don't get granola

485
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,960
Speaker 1: barsos his mom motherfucking granola bars. Put them ships back

486
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,800
Speaker 1: to the store to get them. Right, So he took

487
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,600
Speaker 1: all that stuff whatever whatever, forgot his toothbrushot threw it

488
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 1: at him on if I take it to brush to

489
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: another none of this. So at this point he's going

490
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 1: back to his rule that leaves none did that leaves

491
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,280
Speaker 1: something like fine? Whatever, So he leaves. I get a

492
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:02,200
Speaker 1: knock at the door about to none of this happened

493
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,680
Speaker 1: two hours later. Don't touch my shoulder, my shoulder, don't

494
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: touch my shoulder. Are you telling I was at the door.

495
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 1: He pulls the scarf off his head, you know, takes

496
00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:17,880
Speaker 1: off his like I envisioned sunglasses, but they're really wearing

497
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,240
Speaker 1: sunglasses because it was like midnight, walk back in with

498
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:23,359
Speaker 1: his suitcase and didn't even say anything to me. I

499
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,439
Speaker 1: just opened the door and I let him in, and

500
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:31,240
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, the argument is clearly done. That

501
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,119
Speaker 1: was so funny. I had to see it. Now that

502
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 1: we're done with that, I've painted the picture. Now that

503
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,680
Speaker 1: we're done with that episode of the Young and the Restless, okay,

504
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,159
Speaker 1: we can get back to the truth, right. The truth

505
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: is the truth feel ashamed? The truth is, don't feel

506
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,680
Speaker 1: ashamed about here. I just gave you two minutes to

507
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 1: tell your stuf. Can I jump back in now? Thank you?

508
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,680
Speaker 1: So now let's get back to the point, all right.

509
00:25:56,320 --> 00:26:00,480
Speaker 1: The point is when you argue with your wife, she's

510
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,760
Speaker 1: gonna come up with reasons why she can do things

511
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,680
Speaker 1: that you can't do. And when you try to explain

512
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,960
Speaker 1: to her that in the pursuit of fairness and equality,

513
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,560
Speaker 1: because that's all I want is equality, right, I just

514
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,159
Speaker 1: want balance on both sides. If a girl in boxes me,

515
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,240
Speaker 1: good game, and she's a whole. If you inbox another player,

516
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,800
Speaker 1: you look like a hole. That's all I was saying.

517
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 1: She did not want to concede to that fact. So

518
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,439
Speaker 1: since she did not want to concede to that fact,

519
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,520
Speaker 1: it became an argument. And since she started to lose

520
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,119
Speaker 1: said arguments, she became irate, throwing tooth brushes at me.

521
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,560
Speaker 1: You wouldn't let me get no gleola bars. I didn't

522
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 1: feel safe, all right. The end of the tooth brush

523
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 1: had a point on it. I didn't want to get

524
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 1: hit my eye. I'm an athlete. I need both my eyes.

525
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,400
Speaker 1: So I walked out. Yes it was cold, I'll put

526
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,280
Speaker 1: my bubble coat on because it was cold. I don't

527
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 1: even own a scarf, don't even own I wouldn't put

528
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 1: your scarf scar on. It was wendy that day, and

529
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,520
Speaker 1: I was not going to be at home because those

530
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,640
Speaker 1: were familiar residents to me. This was some trick from

531
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 1: some next school that you all ended up texting back

532
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 1: and forth. So, but that's an episode for another day, guys. Yeah,

533
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,840
Speaker 1: So I mean at that point, I think the distance

534
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:15,640
Speaker 1: in the space. I mean, some people have certain things

535
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: that they do when they get caught up in the

536
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:18,920
Speaker 1: heat at the moment and they don't want to say

537
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 1: something that they're going to regret, so they end up

538
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: going on and like you know, either you count to ten,

539
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,639
Speaker 1: you don't do that. One to three is bothering me?

540
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 1: Do you remember that from three to one to three?

541
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:38,080
Speaker 1: I tried alcohol? What I tried? I tried a lot

542
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 1: of stuff to get to bring myself down from arguing

543
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,199
Speaker 1: with you, call a friend, cry to your mama, Um,

544
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,680
Speaker 1: even your mother know you crazy? So she just usually

545
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 1: to be like your mother. You know how many times

546
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,439
Speaker 1: your mother not exchange looks and glances because we just

547
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,480
Speaker 1: know you crazy. Um. Shout out to to my mother

548
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,359
Speaker 1: in law, Karen, your bomb, because you know what I

549
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,520
Speaker 1: deal with on the today basis because you raised him,

550
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,439
Speaker 1: Yes she did, she did raise me. I love my

551
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 1: mom all right, but arguing with you is exhausting, Like

552
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:15,760
Speaker 1: it's it's literally like draining like physically, like physically, mentally,

553
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:21,520
Speaker 1: emotionally all of the leaves I can think of draining.

554
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:26,240
Speaker 1: That's because you're just talking about no disrespect. That ship

555
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,400
Speaker 1: will have you all just jacked up in the head.

556
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:30,719
Speaker 1: For the life of me. This this is going on

557
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 1: fifteen years now. How could you not see that if

558
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:39,720
Speaker 1: a chick facetime's me, she looked like a whole, but

559
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 1: you just think times bad. But you're doing the same

560
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 1: exact thing to another athlete. You don't look like a whole.

561
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: How How can how can you, as a woman with

562
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 1: a master's degree, not see the parallels inside story? This

563
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 1: is the type of stuff that I got to deal

564
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,720
Speaker 1: with people. This is type of stuff you don't see

565
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:03,200
Speaker 1: the pos in the story. I already said mylesondings, I'm

566
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,480
Speaker 1: not going back to anything. You don't want to dug

567
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: up the dirt. And he good for that, y'all, he

568
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:10,040
Speaker 1: gets so good for that. The plant is growing and

569
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 1: it's nice and there's some light, there's water and it's

570
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,560
Speaker 1: like flourishing, and there's like flowers blooming, and he go

571
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 1: dig up the dirt, dig up the dirt. And then

572
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:18,160
Speaker 1: you just want to suck the whole plant's life up,

573
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: like why because the root is in the dirt. Okay,

574
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,840
Speaker 1: the root, the seeds are in the dirt. Right, we

575
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 1: are trying to go to science class neither if you

576
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 1: want to see now, when I start talking about the truth,

577
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 1: she wants it's fun. And this is, my friends, is

578
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,600
Speaker 1: how we get through it. Yes, this is how we

579
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 1: get This is how we get through our gument walk away.

580
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:44,080
Speaker 1: Learn which battles, learn which battles are worth fighting, and

581
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,880
Speaker 1: when it's not worth fighting. You know something that's interesting

582
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 1: too with Devo. And I don't know if other people

583
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: operate this way, because um, you don't like apologies, Like

584
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 1: Devo doesn't like if something goes wrong, I make some

585
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 1: I do something to make him upset. Devo does not

586
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:01,760
Speaker 1: like me. To apologize to him. Some people they'll say,

587
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,680
Speaker 1: I just simply want an apology. I just want you

588
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 1: to say you're sorry. That's a lie. And if nobody

589
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,920
Speaker 1: ever wants you an apologize, what's your thought behind that

590
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,959
Speaker 1: the greatest apology has changed behavior? Don't don't keep apologizing

591
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,040
Speaker 1: that one more time? Drop that the greatest apology is

592
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,640
Speaker 1: changed the behavior. And the reason why I don't like

593
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 1: apologies is because when people apologize, especially your spouse, but

594
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 1: continue to do the same. No, I'm just I'm saying

595
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: especially your spouses, because this is your life partner. If

596
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,400
Speaker 1: you continue to apologize and make the same mistake over

597
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:36,560
Speaker 1: and over and over again, and your apology means nothing.

598
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,880
Speaker 1: People do stuff to people that leave marks, whether it

599
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 1: be externally or internally, it leaves marks, and other people

600
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 1: feel like if I apologize, get over it, it's still

601
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,720
Speaker 1: left the mark and sometimes still hurts me. You know.

602
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:52,400
Speaker 1: Sometimes they're very disingenuous, like you feel like they're just

603
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:56,800
Speaker 1: saying exactly exactly you're trying to pacify, you're trying to pass.

604
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:58,560
Speaker 1: That's why I don't like And that's not even what

605
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 1: just my wife, but anyone's business partners, the kids, you

606
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,760
Speaker 1: mentor Jackson Jackson. Even my kids like, don't don't tell

607
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 1: me you saw it for doing something. They're gonna do

608
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 1: it again, Bro, don't do that. That's just me though.

609
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,040
Speaker 1: I I just don't. I hate it. Guys, guys, do

610
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:15,760
Speaker 1: you see what just happened? We agreed on something. Wow,

611
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 1: it happens once in a while under saying what you

612
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: don't like apology? I picked you up. No, I don't.

613
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 1: I've actually, you know what, I've come to learn that

614
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: from you, I guess from hearing it so much. And

615
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,760
Speaker 1: that's kind of what happens when you're in relationships. You

616
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: kind of adopt sometimes the ideologies that your partner has um.

617
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 1: But yeah, I kind of feel the same way now too.

618
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,360
Speaker 1: It's like you know, I do, though, would like to

619
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 1: know people's perspective, which I think you do as well too.

620
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: But the whole apologizing thing to kind of depending on

621
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:44,280
Speaker 1: who it comes from and how it comes from them,

622
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 1: doesn't mean much. Well, it's funny because I saw something

623
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,560
Speaker 1: and I've learned this from and I learned this when

624
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 1: I was very young from playing you No, right about

625
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,960
Speaker 1: the six in the nine. Remember I was telling about

626
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 1: the six in the nine, So Just because you two

627
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,360
Speaker 1: people are arguing and they have different perspectives, don't mean

628
00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 1: someone is right or someone is wrong. If we're both

629
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 1: looking at the same UNO card, take out the line

630
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 1: that makes it the six or the nine. Right. If

631
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 1: we're both looking at the same UNO card and you're

632
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,120
Speaker 1: looking from the top of it, you can see a six.

633
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,760
Speaker 1: If I'm looking from the bottom, I could see a nine.

634
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,120
Speaker 1: We're both looking at the same exact card. But since

635
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:21,280
Speaker 1: we're both looking from different perspectives, we're both actually right.

636
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,240
Speaker 1: And a lot of times in life that's what happens,

637
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 1: what happens with a lot of arguments. Yes, just I'm

638
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 1: on a different side of it, so I am right,

639
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 1: and you're on a different side of it, and you're right,

640
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 1: but you're not even trying to see it from my side,

641
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:33,840
Speaker 1: so you automatically say I'm wrong. I look at it

642
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 1: from this side, and I say you're wrong, when what

643
00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: I should do is come to your side of the

644
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:42,080
Speaker 1: table and see your perspective and vice versa. Exactly. Look

645
00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,600
Speaker 1: at you in your analogy, see what I'm saying in

646
00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: the nine, remember that about what else about the sixth

647
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,960
Speaker 1: and the nine though? And look at you being nasty.

648
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:54,280
Speaker 1: You know well, that's actually trying to solve a problem

649
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 1: that's always act. You know what, that's so funny. That

650
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:01,320
Speaker 1: is so funny because one of our listener letters today

651
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 1: talks about makeup six and if that's a good idea

652
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:09,680
Speaker 1: or a bad idea, listener, let's let's let's let's leave

653
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:12,400
Speaker 1: them a little cliffhanger. Think about that, y'all think about that.

654
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: We'll be right back with these listener letters. This for

655
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 1: the record, there it is a win for the ages.

656
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.

657
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 1: In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am

658
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 1: deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here

659
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:50,120
Speaker 1: it is. They'll return to glory. This is All American,

660
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 1: a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell.

661
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,840
Speaker 1: You realize Tiger Woods doesn't know who he is best

662
00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:00,080
Speaker 1: in the history of Gaul no question in my on

663
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 1: and this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,

664
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:09,360
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that

665
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

666
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:19,040
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts,

667
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:26,160
Speaker 1: or your favorite podcast app. My favorite part of the

668
00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:29,520
Speaker 1: show Conne's favorite as well, because we love to hear

669
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:31,720
Speaker 1: from you guys. We'd like to hear what you're thinking,

670
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:33,759
Speaker 1: what you want to know, and then we can give

671
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 1: our little two cents about it too, you know. So

672
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 1: the first question is do you think women who go

673
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:41,640
Speaker 1: through men's phones are nosy or just lack of trust?

674
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:48,600
Speaker 1: I mean, you're a woman. I'm a woman. A couple

675
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 1: of times years, I think a lot of me is nosy. Like,

676
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:54,279
Speaker 1: to be completely honest, a lot of it is me

677
00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,360
Speaker 1: being nosy just because it's not even just you. I

678
00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:58,880
Speaker 1: feel like sometimes if we're sitting next to each other,

679
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:00,440
Speaker 1: if I'm sitting next to my brother, my sister, the

680
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,400
Speaker 1: phone goes off, the screen is lit, it's like you

681
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:05,319
Speaker 1: just kind of happened to glance over sometimes to see, like,

682
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:07,680
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. I honestly can't think

683
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 1: of like why I do it. It may yeah, I

684
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:13,000
Speaker 1: may just be nosy and just be you know, we

685
00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,680
Speaker 1: want to know, Like, you know, then again, you have

686
00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:17,640
Speaker 1: those times where I've heard a lot of women say

687
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: like I have this feeling, I have this gut instinct

688
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:25,040
Speaker 1: that something is not right, and then is not this

689
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:29,280
Speaker 1: y'all already know about the gut instinct. If you feel

690
00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:32,399
Speaker 1: like something's wrong, chances are something is wrong, is wrong,

691
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 1: And then sometime respond to that. If you look, you're

692
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:39,719
Speaker 1: gonna find something. And then if you want something to

693
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 1: be wrong, you're gonna find something wrong. Like that's why

694
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,520
Speaker 1: I see that all the time. Would elaborate on that.

695
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,000
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Do you mean like the energy

696
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: you put out there is the energy you're gonna find? No,

697
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,120
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like in all honesty, say

698
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,839
Speaker 1: you're looking through somebody's phone, right, and you see some

699
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,600
Speaker 1: text messages from someone you don't know. If you're looking

700
00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:00,440
Speaker 1: for something, you can make that into something. How come

701
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 1: you don't have this number saved? What does she mean

702
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:04,960
Speaker 1: by this? What does she mean by that? Or you're

703
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:08,879
Speaker 1: trying to hide something now you're making something that could

704
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:11,919
Speaker 1: actually be nothing. And that's not just a woman thing,

705
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,960
Speaker 1: that's both people like people just go through that something.

706
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,840
Speaker 1: You know, a lot of people have insecurities. You have insecurities,

707
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,240
Speaker 1: and when you have insecurities, and and and I've noticed

708
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 1: this in relationships, a lot of people tend to look

709
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 1: for something to go wrong in a relationship, even if

710
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,800
Speaker 1: everything is perfect because they just can't believe that everything

711
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:33,520
Speaker 1: is very perfect. So it's like, let me find something wrong,

712
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,000
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So now they're looking through phones,

713
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:38,160
Speaker 1: they looking through messages and they see a picture of somebody.

714
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:43,280
Speaker 1: Oh whah, who's who is this? That's my cousin? How

715
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,880
Speaker 1: far along cousin is? She is your first cousin or

716
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,400
Speaker 1: is this your second cousin twice removed? Because if it is,

717
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:51,200
Speaker 1: then you could still like that. People go through stuff

718
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,439
Speaker 1: like that. It's like, really like, are we really doing

719
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:56,120
Speaker 1: this right? And then what tends to happen is if

720
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,600
Speaker 1: one person checks the phone and they question you about something,

721
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,160
Speaker 1: then the other person who's phone got checked, it's like, well,

722
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,160
Speaker 1: why are you checking me? So now it becomes a

723
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,319
Speaker 1: back and forth issue where you're like, well, do you

724
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,879
Speaker 1: not trust me? And then that's when the argument becomes

725
00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,360
Speaker 1: a thing do you really not trust the person? Or

726
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,759
Speaker 1: why exactly where we're snooping through the phone? So I

727
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:13,760
Speaker 1: think it really depends on the context of the relationship.

728
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,800
Speaker 1: You know, is this something that has happened in the past.

729
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,560
Speaker 1: Is the person known to do X y Z That

730
00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: would have you thinking, Okay, maybe this is you know.

731
00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:26,279
Speaker 1: But my thing is my question, right, if you realistically

732
00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:27,680
Speaker 1: got to wake up in the morning, it's be like

733
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:29,440
Speaker 1: you're going to check his phone? Like why even be

734
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 1: in that? I agree, I have to agree with that.

735
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:36,160
Speaker 1: I mean the energy exude trying to like check my phone. Yeah,

736
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 1: that had moments in the past where I have checked

737
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,279
Speaker 1: your phone, and now I'm just too busy to even care.

738
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:44,040
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just me because I'm not a phone checker, Like,

739
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,399
Speaker 1: I just don't. And my thing is I feel like

740
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,719
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to find something. That's number one.

741
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,440
Speaker 1: I don't want to find anything. So you feel like

742
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 1: unseen is better? No, not even unseen. I don't want

743
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 1: to find anything. You have, you have mad clients in

744
00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,960
Speaker 1: your phone. You do make up right, and I remember

745
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,840
Speaker 1: one time in particular, you had a client who was

746
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,400
Speaker 1: who was a dude, was trying to get makeup done

747
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,920
Speaker 1: for his wife, his life. What I'm saying, what if

748
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 1: I'm going through your phone and you she's giving you

749
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 1: information like, yo, can you can you do this time?

750
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,600
Speaker 1: Here's the hotel? You know what I'm trying. I mean,

751
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 1: it could really go wrong fast. So imagine imagine that.

752
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,880
Speaker 1: Imagine that imagine I go through your emails and not

753
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 1: go to your emails, right, and I see there, you

754
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,359
Speaker 1: know the guy's name. You know what I'm saying, This

755
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:30,960
Speaker 1: is the date, this time, it's the hotel. All of

756
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 1: the details look mad suspicious. Then I show up at

757
00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 1: the hotel because I'm thinking something's going on. This like

758
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 1: a whole movie. And he has, you know, he has

759
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,800
Speaker 1: a surprise ready for his wife, and you're there to

760
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:43,960
Speaker 1: do makeup. And I walk in there and you and

761
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 1: you and they're doing makeup. I wouldn't look like a

762
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:51,040
Speaker 1: fucking idiot. And the only reason why I know this

763
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,839
Speaker 1: stuff is because we both have access to each other emails. Right,

764
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,880
Speaker 1: So she'll be like, she's black, babe, can you send

765
00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 1: you know, can you send this documentary? So and so

766
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:00,480
Speaker 1: we'll send my email. I'm at an event, So I'll

767
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,279
Speaker 1: go through the emails and I'm like which day. She's like, oh,

768
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,320
Speaker 1: it's around May whatever. So I'm coming through the emails

769
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 1: and I see different people's names. So when you're going

770
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:10,200
Speaker 1: through and you're seeing different people's names, off, you like, yeah,

771
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:12,319
Speaker 1: that she is hilarious. If I did not know that

772
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:14,440
Speaker 1: you were a makeup art this, So if I did

773
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,439
Speaker 1: not know that that event was going on. I could

774
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,480
Speaker 1: easily think that this is something and imagine how you

775
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:23,800
Speaker 1: drive yourself crazy. Absolutely, your boys got to the hotel

776
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,200
Speaker 1: about to go with my wife. Then all me and

777
00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: my boys from Brooklyn, we all in this hotel anniversary exactly.

778
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,520
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, ruin the whole surprise. That's

779
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:37,760
Speaker 1: why I'm think about how much time you invest following everyone,

780
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 1: you know, someone's move, following their text, following and going

781
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 1: through you can be investing that time in yourself in

782
00:39:43,719 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 1: something else. Yo. You know what I mean. When we

783
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,400
Speaker 1: went through our whole situation and I asked you that,

784
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 1: I'll say, Okay, the time you invested going in my phone,

785
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:54,520
Speaker 1: why why wouldn't you just invest that time into me?

786
00:39:55,560 --> 00:40:00,280
Speaker 1: Because to me, I felt like if you invest that time, yeah,

787
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,040
Speaker 1: we were young, we were young, and I'm just like

788
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:03,319
Speaker 1: all the stuff that I asked you to do that

789
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,880
Speaker 1: you say you can't do. But you had time to

790
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 1: go search my phone. Why don't you go put on

791
00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,040
Speaker 1: some boy shorts like I like, and and do something

792
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:13,160
Speaker 1: like and swing from the shandeliers. Problem solved there you go.

793
00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: So I'm not I'm on the phone going through it,

794
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,000
Speaker 1: and I think that people should stay out of other

795
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,720
Speaker 1: people's phones. Right, all right, what's the next question? Next question,

796
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,839
Speaker 1: I'll get this one. Is makeup sex a good thing

797
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:31,319
Speaker 1: even if you're still mad af? It depends? Yeah, I mean,

798
00:40:32,719 --> 00:40:37,280
Speaker 1: it depends on how good the makeup sexist thought. Okay,

799
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:40,640
Speaker 1: let no, I said. I only say that depends because

800
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 1: then it can completely cloud judgment and cloud what the

801
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,920
Speaker 1: root of the problem was, and then it just kind

802
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 1: It's another it's another way to kind of shove things

803
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 1: under the rug, especially if one person knows in the

804
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,719
Speaker 1: argument that makeup sex will make the other person kind

805
00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:57,880
Speaker 1: of concede and just kind of, you know, the argument

806
00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:00,560
Speaker 1: just kind of dissipates. So who's the other person to say? So?

807
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,920
Speaker 1: Since women know most of the time that a man

808
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 1: will concede if it's time to have makeup sex, not necessarily,

809
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:07,800
Speaker 1: because think about it, a man could be upset and

810
00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:09,080
Speaker 1: a woman be like, yo, I know if I just

811
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,759
Speaker 1: stand there and I just give him some bomb head,

812
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 1: everything will be fine. I'm telling you right now. Don't

813
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,879
Speaker 1: show me the exception and try to make it the rule.

814
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 1: Most of the time, dudes be like yo, I ain't

815
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,439
Speaker 1: gonna turn down that sex. I don't care how mad

816
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: I am. I'm not turning down that sex. That I

817
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,880
Speaker 1: ain't gonna stop him from being mad, but he's not

818
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:29,520
Speaker 1: gonna turn down that. But the worst thing is like,

819
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 1: if you have the makeup sex and they are still

820
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:36,400
Speaker 1: mad after them, what do we accomplish sexy or sometimes

821
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,640
Speaker 1: the makeup sex. Sometimes you argue like we've had this

822
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 1: happened to us where we are in an argument about nothing,

823
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:44,839
Speaker 1: and I mean it really is just because we'll boil

824
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 1: it down to what it really is. I just miss

825
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:51,319
Speaker 1: you like I miss you. We had passionate love making

826
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 1: in a while busy, So the bickering and the small

827
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:59,319
Speaker 1: arguments about nothing, we're really just because we miss each other.

828
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:01,279
Speaker 1: But it really wasn't about nothing. It was about at

829
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 1: tension because we have arguments about being seeing each other

830
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 1: every day but not being present with each other. Yes,

831
00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:11,319
Speaker 1: that's the problem that we have a lot, y'all um

832
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,399
Speaker 1: in the house see each other a lot in the house,

833
00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:17,439
Speaker 1: and it becomes monotonous. They don't hug me, she don't

834
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:21,200
Speaker 1: kiss me. I'm like, sounds like a sad said, So

835
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:24,239
Speaker 1: that's not true to me. Sad Sometimes be sad. I'll

836
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:26,520
Speaker 1: be like, you're looking at you some let me like,

837
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:33,760
Speaker 1: she just walked right by me and nothing like. Sometimes

838
00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:35,600
Speaker 1: that happened because you be going back and forth with

839
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: the kids and I try to remind him, like, you know,

840
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 1: you ain't kissed me today, and she's like I didn't.

841
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:42,879
Speaker 1: Oh she she's just walked by. I'm like, okay, well

842
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:46,360
Speaker 1: I still get a kiss because I try to kiss you.

843
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,840
Speaker 1: Then anything all right? And then you turn up with

844
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 1: a little stupid arguments. Just used game. I know what

845
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:56,680
Speaker 1: it is. Now, that's that's the best way here. Listen,

846
00:42:56,800 --> 00:43:02,040
Speaker 1: there's another option. You don't want that option? What what's

847
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 1: what's always the other option that people do when they

848
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:06,880
Speaker 1: don't get attention in their relationship, they go get attention

849
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:11,759
Speaker 1: somewhere else. No no, no, no, no no no, I'm not

850
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:15,279
Speaker 1: talking about virtual attention. This is upon a large part

851
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:20,760
Speaker 1: of the reason why people cheat is attention. It's attention,

852
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,359
Speaker 1: Like people love attention. You're not getting attention at home,

853
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 1: They're going to get attention towhere else. That's not a

854
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:30,000
Speaker 1: man thing, that's not a thing. It's just an attention thing.

855
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:33,160
Speaker 1: You oh oh oh, so we here every day together,

856
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:35,880
Speaker 1: but you don't see me, you know what? See I mean.

857
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 1: Kary just talked about it, how she felt like she

858
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:43,000
Speaker 1: developed some insecurity because she she wasn't getting attention from

859
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:45,640
Speaker 1: men on the street. She said, not that she wanted it,

860
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 1: but that feeling of not getting attention. So if this

861
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,960
Speaker 1: is she her husband has made over a jillion dollars,

862
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,120
Speaker 1: he's one of the most famous people in the world,

863
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:00,640
Speaker 1: and she still wants attention from people, And imagine it's

864
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:04,240
Speaker 1: a human thing. I imagine if she's not getting attention

865
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:06,040
Speaker 1: and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna. Would imagine if

866
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:09,480
Speaker 1: she's not getting attention from Steph and she's already feeling

867
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:12,719
Speaker 1: insecure because she's not getting attention from other men and

868
00:44:12,719 --> 00:44:14,440
Speaker 1: it's not getting from attention from Steff, she might say,

869
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:15,680
Speaker 1: you know what, I need to go find somebody to

870
00:44:15,719 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 1: give me some attention. You know what I'm saying. Yeah,

871
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:19,880
Speaker 1: I guess in her instance is hard because people probably

872
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:23,200
Speaker 1: just trying to be respectful. Absolutely, you have to be

873
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:26,239
Speaker 1: respectful to somebody. You know that somebody's wife. Dudes, and

874
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 1: dudes are paying attention to beautiful women. She's gorgeous, and

875
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:32,799
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you right now, as as you know,

876
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:35,800
Speaker 1: I don't miss a beautiful, beautiful man walk by. I

877
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:38,200
Speaker 1: would like yeah, and I'll be like, oh my god,

878
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 1: this wow. Right. I think we both can appreciate beautiful people.

879
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:45,400
Speaker 1: But absolutely, but if you notice someone is married, you

880
00:44:45,400 --> 00:44:49,440
Speaker 1: don't pay them attention, like you just don't knowingly, like

881
00:44:49,640 --> 00:44:51,720
Speaker 1: you're knowingly not going to do that. So I understand

882
00:44:51,719 --> 00:44:54,360
Speaker 1: what she's coming from. And as human nature, you want

883
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:58,120
Speaker 1: to be reminded that you are attractive and then someone

884
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:01,000
Speaker 1: wants you like you want that. So yes, and a

885
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 1: lot of times that's what make up sex does. Make

886
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 1: Up sex is like that reminder that I still want

887
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 1: you right now, I still want you exactly yea. So

888
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:12,160
Speaker 1: it can help. And if you want to be featured

889
00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:14,959
Speaker 1: as one of our listener letters, email us at dead

890
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:18,680
Speaker 1: ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A

891
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,839
Speaker 1: D A S S A d V I C E

892
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:25,399
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. So let me ask you a question, Yes,

893
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 1: ask me a question, babe. What's your moment of truth

894
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:34,600
Speaker 1: from today? My moment of truth for this whole entire

895
00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:39,000
Speaker 1: arguing respectfully situation. Um, I think the thing that resonates

896
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:41,440
Speaker 1: with me the most, or what I've learned in our

897
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,479
Speaker 1: entire stint, and then that's helped me deal with other

898
00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:50,040
Speaker 1: people is being active in that moment of upset and

899
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:53,759
Speaker 1: not letting things fester. That's the biggest thing for me

900
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 1: because I know, coming from my background where arguments or

901
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:02,000
Speaker 1: disagreements or just the way you feel was often not discussed.

902
00:46:02,800 --> 00:46:05,840
Speaker 1: It led to so much unhappiness that I feel I

903
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:11,240
Speaker 1: could have been avoided with a simple conversation. So speaking

904
00:46:11,239 --> 00:46:13,960
Speaker 1: about something in that time, you know what I mean,

905
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,640
Speaker 1: in real time, dealing with it in real time is

906
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:20,600
Speaker 1: super important. Like you see it, you say it, um.

907
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:24,360
Speaker 1: And that sometimes can even avoid a blowout argument because

908
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:26,840
Speaker 1: you're getting to the root of the problem early, before

909
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:30,040
Speaker 1: things are festering and before feelings are compiling on top

910
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:32,839
Speaker 1: of each other. Um. So definitely trying to make sure

911
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,560
Speaker 1: whatever it is getting to the root of the problem

912
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:38,719
Speaker 1: in real time so that you can have probably a

913
00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:43,520
Speaker 1: civilized discussion with a person, get both points of views, agree, disagree,

914
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 1: move on, but at least you can feel like you're

915
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:48,239
Speaker 1: heard and that tension doesn't build. And it's important to

916
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:49,920
Speaker 1: do it in real time. So so you're pretty much

917
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:54,719
Speaker 1: your moment of truth is handle things when they happen. Absolutely,

918
00:46:55,239 --> 00:46:58,560
Speaker 1: And I think that's a great um way to argue

919
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:02,759
Speaker 1: respectfully and prevent those blow up moments where you then

920
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: have to now kind of be um reactive in a situation.

921
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:10,600
Speaker 1: I think it's a proactive approach. Actually be more proactive

922
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:16,000
Speaker 1: rather than reactive. Okay, I like that, thanks, Well. My

923
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:20,480
Speaker 1: moment of truth fighting fairly would be know the rules

924
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:24,439
Speaker 1: of engagement. Okay, so you know who you're dealing with,

925
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:29,360
Speaker 1: and every person deals with situations differently. You can't approach

926
00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:33,960
Speaker 1: every argument or disagreement, whether it's with your spouse, your brother,

927
00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:36,760
Speaker 1: your mother, your cowork or your boss. You can't approach

928
00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:39,359
Speaker 1: every situation with your rules of engagement as the only

929
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,880
Speaker 1: rules you're you're willing to play by. So you mean

930
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:46,399
Speaker 1: curtailing your strategy for arguing depending on your audience, Yes,

931
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:49,200
Speaker 1: Because if I go into every argument saying, well, this

932
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:50,719
Speaker 1: is my stance and this is how I want to

933
00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:53,560
Speaker 1: be respected, you're not even respecting the other people who

934
00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:57,400
Speaker 1: you may be trying to negotiate with. So know the

935
00:47:57,480 --> 00:47:59,840
Speaker 1: rules of engagement. For example, if I know that codeine

936
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:03,120
Speaker 1: shuts down right, I'm not going to go in there

937
00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:05,520
Speaker 1: now and just press and press I'm gonna try to

938
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:08,400
Speaker 1: get from her perspective acy, Well, first, let me understand

939
00:48:08,440 --> 00:48:11,080
Speaker 1: why she's shutting down. How can I get her out

940
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,560
Speaker 1: of shutting down? Rather than just pressing her questions to

941
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,560
Speaker 1: prove that I'm right, Let me go in there and

942
00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:17,279
Speaker 1: see if I can get her to kind of break

943
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:19,200
Speaker 1: out of that shell a little bit. You know what

944
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:21,440
Speaker 1: I'm saying. If I'm dealing with a person who is

945
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:25,319
Speaker 1: combative like me, let me go into that situation and

946
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:28,319
Speaker 1: try to settle it first, so that we can get

947
00:48:28,360 --> 00:48:30,680
Speaker 1: some clear understanding of how we're even going to engage

948
00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:33,799
Speaker 1: before we start the discussion. Because if you can't even

949
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:36,879
Speaker 1: engage properly in an argument, you're never going to get

950
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,120
Speaker 1: to the root of the problem because now you're gonna

951
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 1: spend more time arguing about how you're arguing rather than

952
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:44,000
Speaker 1: getting to the root of it, and that gets exhausting,

953
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:48,279
Speaker 1: absolutely so for me, my moment of truth is knowing

954
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,879
Speaker 1: the rules of engagement. Know who you're engaging when you're

955
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:55,439
Speaker 1: having having a discussion, especially your significant other, and try

956
00:48:55,480 --> 00:48:58,759
Speaker 1: to understand where they're coming from first before you put

957
00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:01,120
Speaker 1: forth how you feel about it. Know the real the

958
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:04,920
Speaker 1: rules of engagement in real time Boom. There you go,

959
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:14,319
Speaker 1: the engagement in real time. Be sure to follow us

960
00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 1: on social media that's I am Devout. And if you're

961
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:19,799
Speaker 1: listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and subscribe

962
00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:23,440
Speaker 1: that's right, and follow me as well on Instagram at Cadine.

963
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:27,760
Speaker 1: I Am Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher's produced

964
00:49:27,760 --> 00:49:31,880
Speaker 1: by T Square, Stephanie Karauke and Dinor Opinion. Our executive

965
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:33,759
Speaker 1: producer is Chris Manning, and we'd like to give a

966
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:37,680
Speaker 1: special thanks to our recording engineer Jared O'Connell, our sound

967
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:51,399
Speaker 1: designer Brendan Burns, and studio manager Ashley Warren. We're back.

968
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:53,520
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a

969
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:55,799
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitcher Net.

970
00:49:55,840 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 1: We're called Substraction. That's available everywhere. Getting podcast at stood,

971
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:03,520
Speaker 1: your Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction

972
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,239
Speaker 1: right now, it's out. Do it please,