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Speaker 1: This is my honest opinion.

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Speaker 2: Bro.

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Speaker 3: When I'm not doing things in our relationship that I

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Speaker 3: think I'm supposed to do, I feel like less of

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Speaker 3: a man.

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Speaker 2: Really, do I make you feel like that? Or I

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Speaker 2: just feel like that on your.

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Speaker 1: Own, Na, you don't make me feel like that's me?

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Speaker 1: Like it's just me.

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Speaker 2: And we talk about balancing power dynamics. If you're not

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Speaker 2: the kind of girl that cares to balance certain things,

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Speaker 2: you're okay just being a traditional girl being taken care of.

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Speaker 1: And you give me that dead Ass.

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Speaker 3: It all started with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight

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Speaker 3: from the heart. Since then, we've gone on to become

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Speaker 3: Webby Award winning podcasters in New York Times bestselling authors.

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Speaker 2: Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It

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Speaker 2: was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable, be.

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Speaker 1: Wrong, of course, but most apportantly be us.

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Speaker 2: But as we know, life keeps evolving and so do

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Speaker 2: we and through it all, one thing has never changed.

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Speaker 4: This is.

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Speaker 2: Because we got a lot to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Boom storytime, I'm gonna take y'all back based on the

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Speaker 3: question you asked. I know I've told this story before,

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Speaker 3: where I'm going to like explain it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And here's the question, tell us about when power

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Speaker 2: dynamics got the best of you and your.

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Speaker 3: Relationship, right, which I can't answer that question because power

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Speaker 3: dynamics have never really gotten the best of either one

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Speaker 3: of us.

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Speaker 1: That's why we both still here.

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Speaker 2: Has a lot to do with it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, But I remember in two thousand and nine when

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Speaker 3: I first got cut and I moved back. We both

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Speaker 3: moved back to New York, and I was not able

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Speaker 3: to provide the same exact way that I was before.

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Speaker 1: Right, So I was in the NFL.

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Speaker 3: Then I get cut, and now I still have my

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Speaker 3: NFL severance paced so I'm still able to pay the rent.

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Speaker 3: But it was like a struggle, right, and then you

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Speaker 3: ended up having to go back to work, not because

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Speaker 3: you wanted to, but because you had to in the moment,

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Speaker 3: which to me was a not to my ego. And

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Speaker 3: there was a moment where I always tell a story

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Speaker 3: where I went in the bathroom, turned the shower on.

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Speaker 3: I'm sitting on the toilet, fully clothed, and I'm like

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Speaker 3: crying because I'm just like like this cannot be like

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Speaker 3: my life right now. And I remember, and I won't

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Speaker 3: say it got the best of me because it wasn't

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Speaker 3: ever too far. But I remember projecting a lot of

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Speaker 3: the issues I had because I felt like I was

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Speaker 3: less less of a man on you and saying that

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Speaker 3: a man.

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Speaker 1: Is supposed to do these things.

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Speaker 3: Like the first five years of our relationship, I always

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Speaker 3: talking about how bad it was in marriage because I

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Speaker 3: didn't know how to be a husband. So what I

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Speaker 3: did was just take all of the things that I

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Speaker 3: thought a husband was supposed to do and try to

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Speaker 3: do them to the best of my ability. And I

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Speaker 3: was good at doing those things to the best of

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Speaker 3: my ability. But then I created a standard for you

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Speaker 3: as a wife while I was like, well, I'm doing

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Speaker 3: these and you should be doing these all the time.

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Speaker 3: And the only way I felt like I could control

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Speaker 3: or keep my sanity was by not having you feel

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Speaker 3: like you were in my position like you with the provider,

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Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. And I felt like there

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Speaker 3: was I was like, damn, I wonder how she's looking

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Speaker 3: at me? And only time told me that you were

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Speaker 3: never looking at me any different. But it was playing

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Speaker 3: on my psyche that I was just like, how is

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Speaker 3: she looking at me that I'm not able to provide

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Speaker 3: her with the lifestyle you and I talked about having

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Speaker 3: from eighteen, right, So I won't say it got the

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Speaker 3: best of me, but that was definitely going through my

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Speaker 3: mind a lot, which.

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Speaker 2: Is funny because when I think back to that time

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Speaker 2: and even to now where we stand with everything, I

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Speaker 2: was always a team player, Like I'm like, hey, whoever

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Speaker 2: is better equipped in that moment, whoever is on the up, Like,

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Speaker 2: because we're a team, it doesn't really matter. So I

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Speaker 2: think ultimately, for me.

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Speaker 1: It does matter for you for men.

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Speaker 2: For men, I get it.

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Speaker 3: It's it's nothing that women have done wrong. It's just

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Speaker 3: the way we've been conditioned and programmed. Like if you

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Speaker 3: a man, then this is what you're doing. And that's

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Speaker 3: what I was going through, And it wasn't anything you

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Speaker 3: ever did, which is why I don't mind telling the story.

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Speaker 3: It was just the way I was programmed, right, And

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Speaker 3: I think the only reason why we worked is because

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Speaker 3: while I was going through all of these things, you

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Speaker 3: were never doubling down and saying you're not.

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Speaker 2: Because I was raised to be an independent woman who contributed,

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Speaker 2: So for me it was like, all right, well I'm

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Speaker 2: doing my part now too, because I was never going

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Speaker 2: into it expecting to benefits of being a pampered woman

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Speaker 2: at home. I was always like, Yo, what we gotta

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Speaker 2: do to get to where we gotta go?

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Speaker 3: And that is the power dynamic that a lot of

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Speaker 3: people are dealing with today.

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Speaker 1: You're gonna discuss that, all right, So power my throat?

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Speaker 1: You want me clear your throat? That was too easy.

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Speaker 3: I don't know why then? What does she expect me

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Speaker 3: to to not say anything? Come on, man, I know

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Speaker 3: it ain't dead ass podcasts. Come on, I'm still gonna be.

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Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying?

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Speaker 2: Oh God? And it's always after it leaves my nothing.

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Speaker 1: She can't say nothing.

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Speaker 2: I can't say nothing with y'all. Bet y'all between trible.

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Speaker 2: I'll just be in trouble all the time.

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Speaker 1: I'm not as bad as you can get it from y'all.

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Speaker 1: Triple worse than me, trible, way worse to me.

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Speaker 2: It is not the good thing, though, It's true. Was

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Speaker 2: catching on to the pause moments because we had a

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Speaker 2: moment up stairs with me here and in the kitchen,

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Speaker 2: and she was like, that was a pause.

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Speaker 5: I just missed it.

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Speaker 2: One of these days you'll get the pause always too late,

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Speaker 2: slightly slightly behind.

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Speaker 1: You just like that was too long and not understanding

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Speaker 1: it was.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, my mind is just not as deep in the

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Speaker 6: gutter as unique.

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Speaker 1: It's a problem, y'all.

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Speaker 5: Are y'all are.

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Speaker 2: We're bringing you down to the dark power.

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Speaker 1: We're talking power.

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Speaker 3: Since we're talking power, I feel like this song is

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Speaker 3: just appropriate.

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Speaker 2: Put the nostalgia of it all, to be honest, because

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Speaker 2: it was such an epic portion of life.

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Speaker 1: Remember what they used to say right before.

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Speaker 3: Goodhead, they say, this is a rich Yeah, I just

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Speaker 3: come from the.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: I gotta make it. This is where it goes down.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I just happen up for legal, legal baby.

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Speaker 4: I never took a short.

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Speaker 2: Just because previously on Power, You're right, and it was

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Speaker 2: it was a different cast made every different times. That

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Speaker 2: was a good time.

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Speaker 1: That was the time.

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Speaker 3: That was what twenty sixteen, right was when it started.

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Speaker 3: Twenty sixteen in twenty twenty was when Power was at

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Speaker 3: its prime.

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Speaker 2: Bro. I remember us being at a wedding in Saint Martin.

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Speaker 2: It was justin Nashy's wedding and we it was literally

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Speaker 2: their wedding weekend, and I think they had had their

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Speaker 2: like welcome dinner or something like that, and everybody was

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Speaker 2: like Yo, we're about to go.

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Speaker 3: Watch we jail broke a fire steak in Martins to

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Speaker 3: get powered, bro.

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Speaker 2: To get power all of us were you at that time?

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Speaker 1: No, it was just appointment TV. Like I was like,

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Speaker 1: shout out to.

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Speaker 3: Courtney camp Man and fifty and Omari Harwick and the Tory. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: they really created something that was appointment TV. It was

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Speaker 3: the time we had something that was appointment TV like that.

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Speaker 1: Scan. Yeah, Scandal.

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Speaker 2: Scan And we watched Scandal once it was already out

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Speaker 2: so we were able to binge watch that. That was

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Speaker 2: like the best time in life.

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Speaker 3: Scandal was the one that introduced me the you gotta

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Speaker 3: watch it live nomber. It was like the last ninety seconds,

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Speaker 3: you don't want to miss that. Ship happened every week,

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Speaker 3: like Yo, nobody moves on. The last and the last

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Speaker 3: scene of Scandal was always.

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Speaker 2: The cliffhangers were insanity. They were so good. Shout out

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Speaker 2: to the team and that was a good one. I

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Speaker 2: just want a Tory to speaking to which I hit

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Speaker 2: her up. Just saw her at an event recently. We were

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Speaker 2: sitting at the same table super Sweet girl. All right, y'all,

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Speaker 2: let's take a break and we will be back with

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Speaker 2: Op or no Op, and we're back for Devall's favorite

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Speaker 2: part of the show, Op or no Op. What we

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Speaker 2: got going on in the Wow Wow West? That is

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Speaker 2: in the culture the Internet.

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Speaker 5: The Internet.

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Speaker 6: The Internet entertains me a lot. And recently I was

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Speaker 6: watching some clips from a podcast called Council Culture with

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Speaker 6: Nick Cannon.

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Speaker 5: Have you seen it before?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 6: We sent up there with his hair rap like that's

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Speaker 6: how he looks every time. You look so fucking bored.

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Speaker 6: But uh. He had Ian levanzan on and she was

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Speaker 6: saying that black men have been devalued to only what

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Speaker 6: they can provide, Like people are always looking at black

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Speaker 6: man for what they can do, and so black men

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Speaker 6: tend to value themselves only for what they can do.

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Speaker 6: She said, nobody's teaching black men how to be with

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Speaker 6: themselves or how to be with their hearts. And she

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Speaker 6: said one of the greatest kryptonites to a man is

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Speaker 6: to feel inadequate, and that's what happens when you value

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Speaker 6: a man only for what they can do, what they

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Speaker 6: can buy.

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Speaker 1: So abernoah, I agree, yeah, I.

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Speaker 3: And I know she's speaking on behalf of black men,

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Speaker 3: which I appreciate because it's coming from a woman.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it's hard. It's easier to digest.

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Speaker 3: Things when it's coming from someone who is not talking

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Speaker 3: about themselves, you know. But I do definitely feel like

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Speaker 3: that when when we were talking about the beginning of

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Speaker 3: the podcast and I said, I felt like that it

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Speaker 3: had nothing to do with you. It's because I had

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Speaker 3: been programmed up until that point that if you don't

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Speaker 3: make money and you can't provide this, if you can't

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Speaker 3: get your kids this, then what really are you doing

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Speaker 3: as a man?

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Speaker 6: Right?

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Speaker 2: Was that from your families or deb with your society?

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Speaker 2: Like from the beginning of Time for Black.

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Speaker 1: Men, a collection of everything.

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Speaker 3: My dad definitely made that clear to me, Like, dude,

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Speaker 3: you ask a woman to be your wife, is your

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Speaker 3: your job and your obligation to make sure that you

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Speaker 3: provide for her in the way that she requires. You

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Speaker 3: asked her to be your wife. You didn't have to

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Speaker 3: ask her. So since you asked her, that's your responsibility.

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Speaker 3: That was my dad, you know what I'm saying. And

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Speaker 3: then when you listen to rap music and you watching TV,

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Speaker 3: the only people that ever get respect are the men

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Speaker 3: with money. There's nothing that I ever watched in my

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Speaker 3: life that the person who didn't have the most respect

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Speaker 3: or fear was the person who did have money. That

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Speaker 3: person always had money. So it was just like ingrained

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Speaker 3: in me, like if I get money, then I get power.

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Speaker 3: Get power, you get respect, you get the ladies, you

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Speaker 3: get That's what I was ingrained in my mind.

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Speaker 7: Money, power, respect, that's the key to you know what

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Speaker 7: I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: That's so I agree with her, And then we're at

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Speaker 3: the point now where culturally that's all they see men for.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I would be all black men, Do you have

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Speaker 2: any ops before we agree?

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Speaker 7: I don't know if that's oper or no op, but

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Speaker 7: I agree.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 8: I mean I see what she's saying from like a

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Speaker 8: pop culture perspective. I would agree with her from that perspective.

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Speaker 8: I really got an opinion on it.

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Speaker 3: I also agree though, but you see how the men

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Speaker 3: can't really talk on it. This has just been who

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Speaker 3: we've been and part and the part of this thing

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Speaker 3: is that we can't even.

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Speaker 1: Talk on it.

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Speaker 3: It makes us feel uncomfortable because if you, if you

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Speaker 3: as a man, say I'm worth on value more than

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Speaker 3: what I make, then you feel kind of soft because

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Speaker 3: it's like that's because he don't.

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Speaker 1: Make no money. That's what men go through, like, these are.

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Speaker 3: Things and conversations that women don't go through our privy

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Speaker 3: to that men do.

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Speaker 1: That to each other.

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Speaker 2: Do you feel like women, particularly black women because we're

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Speaker 2: speaking about black men, although I know that there are

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Speaker 2: you know, couples of relationships that are not necessarily black

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Speaker 2: men and women together or triple maybe you can speak

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Speaker 2: to this just being in a relationship. Do you feel

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Speaker 2: like you've ever been made just by.

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Speaker 5: The other.

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Speaker 2: I guess the other sex or you're within our relationship.

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Speaker 2: Have I ever made you feel like no value was

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Speaker 2: brought down to just what you can provide? Because for me, okay.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't any woman. It was just like, do you

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Speaker 1: know who told you about manhood?

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Speaker 3: Was it a woman who came to you said you

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Speaker 3: not a man if you don't do this, or or

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Speaker 3: was it just like culturally, it just felt like this

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Speaker 3: is what it was.

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Speaker 4: I think it's culturally and also what I saw.

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Speaker 8: I like, I watched my dad as a man, as

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Speaker 8: a provider, so I kind of got my my my

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Speaker 8: perspective from that. That's what I said, from maybe like

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Speaker 8: a pop culture perspective. I can't talk to what she's

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Speaker 8: thinking because I never felt like it's my manhood was

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Speaker 8: based on what I could provide. Now, I know that's

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Speaker 8: a huge part of it, right, and I know that

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Speaker 8: women will view men that way based on what they provide.

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Speaker 8: But I never thought like for me personally, like my

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Speaker 8: wife never made me felt like I'm only good for

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Speaker 8: what I could provide for her.

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Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying. It's a partnership.

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Speaker 2: So I guess my question was I don't think is

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Speaker 2: that question correctly. I think it was more like seeing

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Speaker 2: you for your heart, because she did say in the

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Speaker 2: comment seeing someone for their heart or their mind or

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Speaker 2: who they are. I'll bring this up not to beat

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Speaker 2: the dead horse of that essence interview, however, you were

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Speaker 2: speaking from your heart in that moment. You had a

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Speaker 2: moment where you just felt like I can't hold this

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Speaker 2: in anymore and I need to speak. And some people

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Speaker 2: thought you were cutting me off. Some people said you

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Speaker 2: didn't allow me to finish my thoughts. But the reason

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Speaker 2: why it was black women. Yes, a lot of the

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Speaker 2: comments are from black women that I didn't allow you,

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Speaker 2: You didn't allow me the latitude to finish my thought

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Speaker 2: where for me, being a black woman who loves a

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Speaker 2: black man, I want to hear what you have to say.

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Speaker 2: And I think far too often we don't a provide

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Speaker 2: spaces for our men to feel comfortable to express what

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Speaker 2: they feel. But also we're ready to jump in or

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Speaker 2: deflect or negate or police or judge what you have

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Speaker 2: to say. So my choice with my husband is to

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Speaker 2: allow him the space and the latitude to express how

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Speaker 2: he feels without me cutting him off. And in that moment,

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Speaker 2: I didn't feel like you were cutting off. I felt

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Speaker 2: like the purpose of allowing you to speak was so

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Speaker 2: that you can finish your thought and say how you

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Speaker 2: genuinely felt in the moment that you were vulnerable.

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Speaker 3: You know, that's a good point. I will say this

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Speaker 3: though that example, especially even though it was a small

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Speaker 3: example of the women on TikTok who had so much

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Speaker 3: negative things to say, is that men's voices often aren't

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Speaker 3: heard right, you know what I'm saying, Like when a

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Speaker 3: man is truly like just being vulnerable, Like I had

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Speaker 3: a moment and I got attacked for it. And this

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Speaker 3: is why men say they can't be vulnerable because the

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Speaker 3: minute I had a moment, it was he did.

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Speaker 1: That because of his wife. It's like, this wasn't even

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Speaker 1: about my wife.

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Speaker 2: It wasn't you were going through something.

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Speaker 3: But I will also say this TikTok is made up

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Speaker 3: of what are they gen zers?

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Speaker 1: This majority thirteen to twenty three year olds.

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Speaker 3: There were over ten thousand comments on Instagram and other

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Speaker 3: platforms with older women who are more mature, who also

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Speaker 3: have more insight to life, who understood what was happening.

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Speaker 3: So I'm not going to say all black women because

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Speaker 3: of the small demographic that was on TikTok did that,

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Speaker 3: And that's I think it's important for people to understand.

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Speaker 3: You may see something on one platform, you can't say

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Speaker 3: all right, that's one place. One platform platform has a

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Speaker 3: different demographic of women that are also black women. Now

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Speaker 3: I would supported heavily, heavily on Instagram and on Facebook

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Speaker 3: from those black women, but they were also older black

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Speaker 3: women who probably have more life experience. So I didn't

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Speaker 3: take much.

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Speaker 1: Of it from the young women who said that.

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Speaker 3: But I mean that is an example that you know,

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Speaker 3: those young women are also dating young men, and those

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Speaker 3: young men are trying to express themselves.

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Speaker 1: That's what they're saying to.

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Speaker 2: Them, which is why we are where we are. People

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Speaker 2: Because you've always tell told our boys that it's okay

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Speaker 2: to cry. We want you to express how you feel,

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Speaker 2: but only where.

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Speaker 1: When people you're around people you're trust.

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Speaker 2: Around people you could trust. Not clearly, the internet is

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Speaker 2: not people you could trust. However, in that moment, within

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Speaker 2: that interview and in that space, you feel comfortable to

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Speaker 2: be able to do that.

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Speaker 3: Well, actually, I'm gonna be honest. Me and Josh were

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Speaker 3: talking about something right before that, and then she asked

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Speaker 3: the question. It evoked an emotion that came out, and

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Speaker 3: that's why I was apologizing so much, because I thought

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Speaker 3: I was messing up the interview. I wasn't sharing to

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Speaker 3: be vulnerable, to have a viral moment. I just was

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Speaker 3: losing it and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry. And then when we started talking through it

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Speaker 3: and I was able to have my moment and just

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Speaker 3: tell him how I feel, and you were so receptive,

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Speaker 3: and the ladies was like, you know, sorry, if I

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Speaker 3: take your time, I felt like, fine, I'm gonna tell

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Speaker 3: you how I feel. So because the women in that

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Speaker 3: room made me feel comfortable, I kept going. But initially

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Speaker 3: when I broke down, that wasn't it was like fuck,

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Speaker 3: Like oh my god, I messed up this interview, like

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Speaker 3: I didn't want to do that. That's why I kept apologizing.

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Speaker 3: But the women in that room definitely made me feel

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Speaker 3: comfortable and them sharing it, I was like.

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Speaker 2: Cool, yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 1: What it was like.

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Speaker 3: You can't act everything, and to be honest, I was

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Speaker 3: just tired of being something else. But that shows you

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Speaker 3: why men often don't don't share, because if I was

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Speaker 3: a different type of person, I would have been like,

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Speaker 3: I'm not doing nothing else ever again. And think of

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Speaker 3: all those young men who share with those young women

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Speaker 3: on TikTok. They're getting that response from those women will

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Speaker 3: grow up and being their thirties and then be all

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Speaker 3: like the men ain't men in Well, every time he

386
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Speaker 3: tried to share with you what he was going through,

387
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Speaker 3: you ridiculed him.

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Speaker 1: And now you're thirty, you're single. You can't get what.

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Speaker 3: You want out of any man because you spent your

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Speaker 3: twenties talking down to men who are trying to be vulnerable.

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Speaker 3: And that's what those women are going to have to

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Speaker 3: deal with when they get to the thirties. The women

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Speaker 3: that are in our demographic right now, I rock with

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Speaker 3: them because they saw what was happening and was just like, Yo,

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Speaker 3: you good.

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Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. It was love from that demographic,

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Speaker 1: the young girls.

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Speaker 6: Bro.

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Speaker 3: I'm praying for y'all, and I'm praying that I find

400
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Speaker 3: my son's fine young ladies that learn how to empathize

401
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Speaker 3: because also, like Yulanja said, no one is teaching our

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Speaker 3: young men how to do that. We are doing that here.

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Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. I hear Josh on the phone.

404
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Speaker 3: He talks to Toy. He's very deliberate about how he

405
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Speaker 3: speaks to his daughter because his daughter is going to

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Speaker 3: be soon one's wife. One day we talked about this.

407
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Speaker 3: He's like, I got to make sure that she understands

408
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Speaker 3: the dynamic between a man and a woman, even at

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Speaker 3: a young age. I'm hoping that they find a young

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Speaker 3: lady who was being fathered and mothered because shout out

411
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Speaker 3: to Anika too, because she and her and Tory have

412
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Speaker 3: a great relationship. I'm hoping now sons find a woman

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Speaker 3: that understands like that because we're raising boys who understand.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, thank you for sharing that. I just want

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Speaker 6: to acknowledge your feelings right now.

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Speaker 1: I would fight.

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Speaker 2: I love it. My question to Trouble was more being

419
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Speaker 2: in a sex same sex relationship. Did you ever feel

420
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Speaker 2: stifled or that you haven't been in situations where you

421
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Speaker 2: weren't free to express yourself and be vulnerable, you know,

422
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Speaker 2: much like what Ayanna expressed with black men, I think.

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Speaker 5: All the time.

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Speaker 6: I think that people have different life experience and your

425
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Speaker 6: feelings aren't always welcome there. And I think too, as

426
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Speaker 6: I grow up, I have different expectations for people. I

427
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Speaker 6: have different boundaries for myself, and that's just not always welcome.

428
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Speaker 5: And so my.

429
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Speaker 6: Work in dating is knowing when to give grace and

430
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Speaker 6: when to walk away. You know what I'm saying, If

431
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Speaker 6: my feelings are not welcome in a space, if I

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Speaker 6: can't because I know that I'm going to take my

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Speaker 6: time and I'm going to respect I'm gonna express respectfully

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Speaker 6: and clearly, and necessarily, I'm going to say what needs

435
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Speaker 6: to be said, and I'm going to do it in

436
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Speaker 6: a way that is loving. If I can't do that

437
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Speaker 6: with the person I'm dating at this point, I got

438
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Speaker 6: a gup.

439
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Speaker 1: How do y'all decide? Though? Like?

440
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,840
Speaker 3: Do you decide like I'm the more masculine, so I'm

441
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,800
Speaker 3: required to do this or mine the more feminine or

442
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,720
Speaker 3: it's just like we have an understanding because we find

443
00:19:55,720 --> 00:20:00,399
Speaker 3: out in hetero sexual relationships the heterosexual norms. People expect

444
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,760
Speaker 3: you to follow that shit in relationships nowadays, and it's

445
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Speaker 3: just like this shit is.

446
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Speaker 1: Like the fifties.

447
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,480
Speaker 5: Yeah, is it the same or well. I find myself

448
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,000
Speaker 5: often dating.

449
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,200
Speaker 6: I find myself dating women who have never dated women before,

450
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:19,280
Speaker 6: and so sometimes expectation is they just have been socialized

451
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,240
Speaker 6: to date men.

452
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,359
Speaker 1: So they they say, you are the more Yeah, I mean, and.

453
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,520
Speaker 6: Naturally, I mean I was raised by my dad's I

454
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,000
Speaker 6: get a lot of you know, my ways for my

455
00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,960
Speaker 6: dad and my knowledge and you know, life skills and

456
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,920
Speaker 6: stuff for my dad. I'm comfortable doing things that maybe

457
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:41,240
Speaker 6: a man would do for a woman. Yeah, But I

458
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,720
Speaker 6: don't think that there's really an expectation there. I think

459
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:48,639
Speaker 6: that usually women are looking for especially if they're if

460
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,199
Speaker 6: they're like exploring their sexuality, they're exploring, you know, what

461
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,199
Speaker 6: it means to be a woman in the world. A

462
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,359
Speaker 6: lot of times they're looking for more freedom when it

463
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,560
Speaker 6: comes to gender roles. A lot of times women who

464
00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,040
Speaker 6: are queer.

465
00:20:59,160 --> 00:20:59,840
Speaker 1: That makes sense.

466
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,200
Speaker 5: Yeah, women who are queer.

467
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,720
Speaker 6: They are not really fitting into the mold of what

468
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,760
Speaker 6: it takes, especially a woman that's going to date a

469
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,360
Speaker 6: woman like me, because I'm a little bit I'm more

470
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,480
Speaker 6: them presenting.

471
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,480
Speaker 5: I don't present like a man.

472
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 6: I don't give off any indication that I would be

473
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,040
Speaker 6: more masculine in a relationship, and I.

474
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,120
Speaker 1: Don't want to be treated that way.

475
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,080
Speaker 3: But you see how even me asking that question shows

476
00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:24,000
Speaker 3: you how much I don't know about that world, because

477
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:24,639
Speaker 3: it's like divide.

478
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,639
Speaker 1: That was a stupid question.

479
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,960
Speaker 6: No, that wasn't a stupid question because yeah, we're socialized

480
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,800
Speaker 6: to think that that is just the normal way to be.

481
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,840
Speaker 5: And it is queer for a reason.

482
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 6: So like when we use the when I use the

483
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,960
Speaker 6: term queer, I'm not just talking about my sexuality, but

484
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,440
Speaker 6: I'm talking about a way of life. So like queering

485
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:48,000
Speaker 6: the gender roles in a relationship, meaning that like I

486
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,879
Speaker 6: don't have to do one thing just because I have

487
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,280
Speaker 6: a more dominant personality or I may be a little

488
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,439
Speaker 6: bit more masculine, I don't have to be expected to

489
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 6: do another thing. And it doesn't mean that I don't

490
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,960
Speaker 6: require tenderness, you know what I'm saying. Or queering what

491
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,119
Speaker 6: family means to me. So if I don't have kids,

492
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:04,439
Speaker 6: my friends have kids, and I have other friends, and.

493
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 5: We can be a nuclear family if we choose to be.

494
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,040
Speaker 1: You want to hear something crazy.

495
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,360
Speaker 3: I've heard someone say before that we have a very

496
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,959
Speaker 3: queer relationship, and I was just like, what does that

497
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,600
Speaker 3: even mean? It was just like, y'all live outside of

498
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,000
Speaker 3: gender roles. Whoever picks has to do that, And I

499
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,840
Speaker 3: didn't understand it in the moment. I was just kind

500
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 3: of like, you know, I was just kind of like,

501
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,639
Speaker 3: I don't know how that is queer because I automatically

502
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,960
Speaker 3: assumed just queer just to make gay, But queer, based

503
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,040
Speaker 3: on what you said, really means living outside of the

504
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 3: norms that whatever society has. So when someone says we

505
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,600
Speaker 3: have a very queer relationship, it kind of to me

506
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 3: makes sense how they could see that because I'm not

507
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,800
Speaker 3: the typical man and you're not the typical woman.

508
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 1: I'll cook and clean and you'll earn.

509
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:48,080
Speaker 6: But however, I will say that one thing that I

510
00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:51,040
Speaker 6: think whenever we talk about like gender roles, I always

511
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:55,160
Speaker 6: think to myself, like, you are a well rounded masculine man.

512
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,440
Speaker 6: I think that if people are looking for what masculinity

513
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,359
Speaker 6: looks like, think you would be a good role model,

514
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 6: because when you're committed to your family, you're dedicated to your.

515
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,920
Speaker 5: Strength. You know what I'm saying.

516
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,159
Speaker 6: You are emotionally intelligent. You're not afraid to express yourself,

517
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,240
Speaker 6: and you know how to do it with both strength

518
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,520
Speaker 6: and poise at the same time. You know what I'm saying,

519
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,240
Speaker 6: you take care of what needs to be taken care of,

520
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,119
Speaker 6: but you also know how to express yourself when you

521
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,080
Speaker 6: need to be taken care of.

522
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,479
Speaker 5: And so that is what a man should look like.

523
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:24,320
Speaker 1: That's masculinity.

524
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 4: I mean, that is masculinity.

525
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:26,000
Speaker 9: Yeah.

526
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 6: And when we try to fit ourselves into these boxes

527
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 6: to say, well, most men don't do this, so that's

528
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,359
Speaker 6: what a man is, then we are discounting the fact

529
00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,480
Speaker 6: that like the type of man.

530
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:41,000
Speaker 5: You are is actually it does exist and had nothing

531
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:41,600
Speaker 5: to do with earning.

532
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:42,480
Speaker 1: I noticed that too.

533
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:46,280
Speaker 6: Exactly the type of man you are does exist, but

534
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 6: people are discounting it because they think that this idea,

535
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,679
Speaker 6: this toxic idea of what a man is or what

536
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,119
Speaker 6: masculinity is, is what the norm is, when it's actually not.

537
00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 3: Okay, I have a question, can we transition to yeah,

538
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 3: because this right now is taking me right into the

539
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,440
Speaker 3: power dynamics because I really want to ask a question

540
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 3: to the ladies, Like if a man says like, yo,

541
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,960
Speaker 3: I'm not going to be defined by that, but then

542
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,280
Speaker 3: doesn't have a way to earn income automatically, he's taken

543
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,920
Speaker 3: off of like ninety percent of women's list.

544
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,080
Speaker 1: She's not a high earner.

545
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,520
Speaker 3: So what I'm my question is how much of what

546
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,160
Speaker 3: you think about yourself matters when you have to live

547
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 3: exist in a world where you're looking for a mate?

548
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,240
Speaker 1: Were also what they think matters?

549
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,960
Speaker 3: You understand what I'm saying, like a power dynamic may

550
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 3: not work to me, but if I'm looking for a mate,

551
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,960
Speaker 3: if it matters to her, the fact that I don't

552
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,239
Speaker 3: care about the power dynamic could be a turnoff to her.

553
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,680
Speaker 3: Like so many women say, if he don't got ambition,

554
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,359
Speaker 3: if he don't want to make a certain amount of money,

555
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,640
Speaker 3: that's not my guy. A lot of men that that's

556
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 3: all they hear. How do we deal with that?

557
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,680
Speaker 5: That's going to lead us into the opera?

558
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,320
Speaker 6: No op and what actually inspire ed this episode which

559
00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 6: was a listener letter from the first episode of this season,

560
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,520
Speaker 6: and I'm gonna refresh.

561
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,679
Speaker 1: Oh you refreshing what would come from what was the

562
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:11,120
Speaker 1: first one.

563
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 5: What was the first episode about?

564
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,200
Speaker 1: What was the first what was the first listening lesson?

565
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:17,479
Speaker 5: I'm gonna read refresh.

566
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:18,240
Speaker 2: Oh you got it?

567
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:18,480
Speaker 7: Okay?

568
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:18,720
Speaker 2: Cool?

569
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,199
Speaker 5: No, I wanted you to recite it for memory.

570
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:25,840
Speaker 1: Actually that's what Which one was it?

571
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 4: You ain't gonna give a chance to We.

572
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 2: Don't know what we have for breakfast?

573
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:29,240
Speaker 7: Okay.

574
00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 1: So I was trying to be a man. I was

575
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,320
Speaker 1: trying to the first.

576
00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 3: Listener letter that was ambitious.

577
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 5: No, let me take care of you right now, black man.

578
00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:46,080
Speaker 1: Let me remind you.

579
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 5: Here's the letter.

580
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 6: Uh, she said, I'm a thirty year old medical professional

581
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,879
Speaker 6: married to a thirty four year old fitness professional. I

582
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,159
Speaker 6: make six figures, but it definitely doesn't feel like it.

583
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 6: After Texas, boy, don't I know it? And my husband

584
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:04,159
Speaker 6: makes less than fifty k year. She says she was

585
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,200
Speaker 6: okay with it at the start, but after they're trying

586
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,159
Speaker 6: to buy a house, or they have a house. Now

587
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 6: they're trying to start having a baby. Now she's worried.

588
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,920
Speaker 6: She got a second job so they could furnish their

589
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 6: house and renovate their home because she can't count on

590
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:20,479
Speaker 6: him to supply money because he does pay for all

591
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,919
Speaker 6: of the utilities and half of the mortgage with what

592
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,080
Speaker 6: he makes. He's been in finished for ten plus years,

593
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 6: and he's a gentle soul, she says. So he works

594
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,399
Speaker 6: with middle aged adults, and he's dabbled a little bit

595
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,159
Speaker 6: into the online space, but he hasn't gotten many clients there,

596
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 6: and she doesn't think he's grinding there in the first place.

597
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:39,800
Speaker 6: And so she gets a little bit frustrated because she

598
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 6: feels like he doesn't have a sense of urgency, especially

599
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 6: when he's at home relaxing on video games, and when

600
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,720
Speaker 6: she's on her days off, she's trying to figure out

601
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,400
Speaker 6: how they can make more money to live more comfortably.

602
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 5: And that, she said, that made her realize.

603
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,679
Speaker 6: Just he has no interest in getting more on online

604
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:04,560
Speaker 6: clients and grinding a little bit more. I remember this,

605
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,040
Speaker 6: and he doesn't even she said.

606
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,280
Speaker 5: He likes to take a lot of time off work.

607
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 1: See, and this is what I'm talking about.

608
00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 3: We're putting stuff on people, but it's also like ourselves,

609
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:21,239
Speaker 3: right for example, she said all of this, she loves him,

610
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,359
Speaker 3: gentle soul stuff. He just doesn't make enough money to

611
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 3: make her feel protected and providing for She doesn't say

612
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,960
Speaker 3: he's less than a man but ultimately it's just like,

613
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,439
Speaker 3: that's what she's saying, Like a man would on their

614
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,040
Speaker 3: off times do this. A man would, and they oft

615
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:36,400
Speaker 3: times do that, and a lot of times as men

616
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:38,880
Speaker 3: that we feel like that.

617
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,119
Speaker 2: I think you feel like that if you are innately

618
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,119
Speaker 2: an ambitious man who wants to be that there's some

619
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 2: men like ambition is something you can't teach people, right

620
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,840
Speaker 2: or if you want to be I remember hearing from

621
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 2: someone that they felt like their their partner felt like

622
00:27:56,119 --> 00:27:59,240
Speaker 2: that they as a woman, she needed to motivate him.

623
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,639
Speaker 2: And when I hear that, it's just like, Okay, is

624
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 2: it anybody's job to motivate somebody? Should you want to

625
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,600
Speaker 2: be motivated by your partner?

626
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 6: Just to.

627
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,760
Speaker 1: Just to do by yourself right exactly?

628
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:12,760
Speaker 8: Your response D at that time was like, bro, get

629
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,879
Speaker 8: up the video games. That that was your response.

630
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 2: It's like, yes, if you can't, if you can't teach

631
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 2: the ambition to a man, and so you are a

632
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,480
Speaker 2: woman in the relationship, that in itself can be a

633
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:26,240
Speaker 2: turn off altogether because you know, you're not even finding

634
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,680
Speaker 2: a way to be motivated by me and our family

635
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,639
Speaker 2: or the family unit that we're trying to establish, to

636
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 2: find another way to meet me because she essentially is

637
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,960
Speaker 2: making majority of the money and she's.

638
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 5: Working with two jobs.

639
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 3: And I can't see anything wrong with her saying and

640
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 3: this is just me with her saying like, yo, man

641
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:45,720
Speaker 3: up and help me.

642
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 1: I can't see nothing wrong with that.

643
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 2: And that would be or an Asian couple like I

644
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:53,120
Speaker 2: would that right.

645
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,800
Speaker 3: But then that goes back to saying that as a man,

646
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,280
Speaker 3: you are defined by your ability to provide.

647
00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 1: And that's what it goes back to. And that's why

648
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:01,120
Speaker 1: men feel that way.

649
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 3: And when women say I didn't make you feel that way,

650
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 3: it's not about the woman making you feel that way.

651
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 3: That's how we finish that, just how you feeling. I

652
00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 3: don't know if I was conditioned that way or if

653
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 3: it was my parents, but I heard that story.

654
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 1: And I wasn't get off the video games.

655
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, but if she was playing video games and he

656
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 3: was working but she still brought in less than fifty

657
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 3: I would be telling him like, what do you care

658
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:24,320
Speaker 3: if she's on the video game.

659
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:27,760
Speaker 2: Because your mind, she brings in this supplemental exactly the household.

660
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: But and but what I'm saying is that is that

661
00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:31,480
Speaker 1: wrong for thinking like that?

662
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 5: Well, I feel like her mindset is that she wants

663
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,600
Speaker 5: him to help carry the load. She's carrying a lot

664
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 5: of it, and now she wants to have a baby

665
00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 5: as well. Right, and he's not.

666
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 6: It doesn't even feel like he's putting in half the work.

667
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,000
Speaker 6: She's not even asking him to man up and do it.

668
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:52,520
Speaker 6: I think she just wants a partner.

669
00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 3: And I'm glad you brought this up because this this

670
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 3: goes back to like gender roles.

671
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: Right, Yes, she wants to have a baby.

672
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 3: He probably wants to a baby too, but who has

673
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,320
Speaker 3: to carry the baby her?

674
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: So since she has to carry the baby, somebody has

675
00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 1: to earn.

676
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,960
Speaker 2: Her concern is that if I have this baby and

677
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 2: say I can't go back to work.

678
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: But that's my point.

679
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,640
Speaker 3: So as a man, what is it that you provide

680
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:19,720
Speaker 3: you can't have a baby. We provide the ability to provide.

681
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 3: That's what's innate in us. Provide and protect y'all have babies.

682
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,520
Speaker 3: When you take that away from us, you ultimately take

683
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 3: away what I can bring. Because if I can't even

684
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,800
Speaker 3: bring that, all I'm gonna do is just have sex

685
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 3: and you get it, have the baby, you carry the baby,

686
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,000
Speaker 3: then you go earn for us to take care of.

687
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: The baby, Like where is my existence in this? You

688
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:38,080
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying.

689
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:40,239
Speaker 3: That's why I feel like when people try to make

690
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 3: it seem like there are no such thing as gender roles,

691
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 3: I think that's kind of fraudulent.

692
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 1: There are certain things that we have to do.

693
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,600
Speaker 3: If I want K to have my children, I have

694
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 3: to provide and protect her while she goes through that process.

695
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,360
Speaker 3: I can't say, Yo, you have a baby for us

696
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 3: and we split fifty to fifty. You know what I'm saying,

697
00:30:58,120 --> 00:30:59,920
Speaker 3: It's not fifty fifty at that point. At that point,

698
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:02,560
Speaker 3: you doing way more work than I am. So so

699
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 3: me personally, I do feel like there's a lot of

700
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 3: pressure and stress on men to provide.

701
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,080
Speaker 1: But who else is supposed to Yeah.

702
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,560
Speaker 6: Because in this situation, like if this was a queer

703
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 6: relationship and it was two women, either woman could carry

704
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 6: right in this situation, I mean, they could get a

705
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 6: surrogate if she wanted to continue working. Because also it

706
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 6: sounds like they picked partners based on the roles that

707
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:28,880
Speaker 6: they were able to.

708
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 1: Occupy.

709
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:32,600
Speaker 5: She seems like.

710
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 6: The more dominant, the more logical, the more ambitious one,

711
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 6: and he seems like the more like caretaking the more

712
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,000
Speaker 6: you know, he seems like he has a lot of feelings.

713
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,280
Speaker 6: She said, he's a gentle soul, she said in the

714
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 6: beginning of the letter, she said, how much they love

715
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 6: each other and how much they really get along. So

716
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 6: it seems like emotionally he takes care of her the

717
00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:53,640
Speaker 6: way she wants to be taken care of, and obviously

718
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:56,280
Speaker 6: vice versa. Yeah, but then there's the practical part that

719
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:57,600
Speaker 6: still needs to be taken care of.

720
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,880
Speaker 2: Yes, I can think of two relationships where the woman

721
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 2: was the dominant, go get her just this, that and

722
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 2: the third and then the guy was just like the nice,

723
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 2: gentle soul and then it didn't don't pan out because

724
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,600
Speaker 2: when it came down to the practical portion of life,

725
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 2: which is the providing four and paying the bills, then

726
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,120
Speaker 2: you can take but emotional emotions.

727
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,120
Speaker 3: But so far there isn't another example. There's a group

728
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:24,400
Speaker 3: of very powerful money making sisters who all married men

729
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 3: who were going to be nervous for us and stay

730
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 3: at home, and they all got divorced and they had

731
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:28,880
Speaker 3: a reality show on TV.

732
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 1: Use your mind and think about it.

733
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 3: But you know what I'm saying, And the reason why

734
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,720
Speaker 3: I bring this up is because there's the practical part

735
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,520
Speaker 3: of gender roles that we often ignore, you know what

736
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 3: I'm saying because everyone wants to say what sounds good.

737
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,040
Speaker 2: I think gender roles is so like antiquated. I'm like,

738
00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,960
Speaker 2: just the idea of ginger roles is just super antiquated

739
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:50,560
Speaker 2: at this point because it just it doesn't it doesn't

740
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,640
Speaker 2: serve us. I don't think as a community in general

741
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 2: for that reason.

742
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 4: I agree with that. You know, like you mean, bro,

743
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:02,440
Speaker 4: I like I cleaned the kitchen. That gender role thing

744
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 4: on taking care of the place.

745
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:05,400
Speaker 2: That me and my line when the gender roles start.

746
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 1: But here's my.

747
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:12,360
Speaker 3: Gender roles and chores are two different things, right, And

748
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:14,880
Speaker 3: let's to be clear, Okay, you saying you cook and

749
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,520
Speaker 3: clean is a chore that can go to anybody in

750
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 3: the house. What I'm saying gender roles is like providing, earning, bread, winning.

751
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 2: We have to be pressed differentiation, okay.

752
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 3: For women, And was like, hey, I want to be

753
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 3: a mom, and you cannot expect that woman, even if

754
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:34,160
Speaker 3: she's the boss of all bosses, to carry a child,

755
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:37,960
Speaker 3: birth a child, nurture a child, and be the breadwinner

756
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 3: in that family, and that that husband gonna sit home

757
00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 3: and just be like, I'm gonna just wait till the

758
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,720
Speaker 3: baby pop out, Like you can't. He has to do

759
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:44,480
Speaker 3: way more than that.

760
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 1: Of course he doesn't.

761
00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:47,560
Speaker 3: What are you really providing as a partner?

762
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:49,479
Speaker 2: So I think that required some clarity with gender roles.

763
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,520
Speaker 2: I think traditionally when we think of gender roles as

764
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 2: like women staying at home doing all the domestic stuff

765
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:55,720
Speaker 2: and men going out and working.

766
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:56,920
Speaker 1: Not the chores.

767
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 8: So do your argument is if you take that ability

768
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,320
Speaker 8: to earn away from the man, that what else does

769
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 8: he have?

770
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:02,400
Speaker 1: Yes?

771
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:08,160
Speaker 3: Gotcha, because that's that's ultimately what Alanya Ayanla Aanla was saying,

772
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:12,960
Speaker 3: that they've pretty much uh dwindled down a man's value

773
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:16,120
Speaker 3: to what he can only provide, and how that's causing

774
00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:18,759
Speaker 3: issues and become problematic for black men because now we

775
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,400
Speaker 3: only see ourselves as value that way, and we're not

776
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,200
Speaker 3: teaching our younger black men to see any other value

777
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 3: in themselves, which I agree with because me and Kay have.

778
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:27,640
Speaker 1: Talked about this.

779
00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:31,000
Speaker 3: I'm not teaching my son to just be a provider financially,

780
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 3: He's gonna have to learn to be empathetic. He's gonna

781
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 3: have to learn to be understanding and be a nurturer

782
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,920
Speaker 3: as well. So I'm teaching them to do other things.

783
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,359
Speaker 3: But it is not lost on me that if you

784
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 3: choose to ask a woman to have your children, you

785
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,799
Speaker 3: cannot then say to that woman, Yo, we're doing this

786
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 3: fifty to fifty while you carry the baby, and you

787
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,960
Speaker 3: gotta deal with your nipples being hard game.

788
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:53,959
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, that's the practical part.

789
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:55,760
Speaker 1: Nipples being sore, my bad.

790
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,879
Speaker 5: Before seven days a week.

791
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 1: You want me to look look at what? To look

792
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 1: at her? Really?

793
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:13,280
Speaker 3: I did, no, But I'm just talking about the practical aspect.

794
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:15,439
Speaker 3: And there has to be a pride in that. Four

795
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,680
Speaker 3: men that you do have to provide. Bro, women say

796
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 3: they give birth, what do you do?

797
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:26,960
Speaker 1: Like, I'm just being honesty, like it don't even make sense. Well,

798
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 1: you know what I do? I provide.

799
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:31,880
Speaker 3: I create a space for that woman who is giving

800
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 3: birth to feel comfortable in her feminine energy to give

801
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,359
Speaker 3: birth to a child that is healthy. And that's what

802
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 3: I do as a man, I provide that space for that.

803
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,399
Speaker 3: I can't sit back and be like, yeah, you gave

804
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,360
Speaker 3: birth and I played call of duty.

805
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:44,120
Speaker 1: I just can't.

806
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,720
Speaker 6: But you know, I think gender roles also doesn't serve

807
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,799
Speaker 6: us even when thinking about that, because I think that

808
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 6: men so often and even some women so often think

809
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:57,760
Speaker 6: that uh, birth in a child is what a woman's

810
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:00,440
Speaker 6: body was made to do, and so her life doesn't

811
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:02,480
Speaker 6: change at all when she gets pregnant, especially if it's

812
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:05,319
Speaker 6: your first child. You've never seen a woman go through childbirth.

813
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,560
Speaker 6: You're not even thinking about the practical fact that she

814
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:10,399
Speaker 6: may not be able to go to work. The whole time.

815
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:13,760
Speaker 6: You're thinking, Oh, she gets her six weeks of paid leave.

816
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,640
Speaker 6: You're not thinking about the year that she might want

817
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,000
Speaker 6: to breastfeed her child afterward, or the year she's got

818
00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,400
Speaker 6: to be attached to the kid after that. You're not

819
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:24,520
Speaker 6: thinking about what could happen during the gestation period. Maybe

820
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:26,800
Speaker 6: she'll have to be on bed rest. Maybe you know

821
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 6: what I'm saying, Maybe she'll have to like she won't

822
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 6: be able to be on her feet for as long.

823
00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:34,279
Speaker 6: And so I think too, Yeah, if you want to

824
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:37,360
Speaker 6: live a certain type of life, and there's nothing wrong

825
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 6: too with just like being a partner, you know what

826
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:43,920
Speaker 6: I'm saying. Being somebody's teammate means that you strategize to

827
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:45,759
Speaker 6: come up with the best plan for what works on

828
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:48,560
Speaker 6: the team. So maybe it is that I'm going to

829
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 6: get a second job when it's time for us to

830
00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,400
Speaker 6: have a baby, or up to the time until you

831
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,319
Speaker 6: go back to work after the baby, and then when

832
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,879
Speaker 6: the baby is you know, a certain age, or when

833
00:36:58,920 --> 00:36:59,960
Speaker 6: you go back to work. I'm going to be a

834
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,799
Speaker 6: stay at home dad because I feel more comfortable as

835
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:05,480
Speaker 6: in the nurturing role. Like I don't think it necessarily

836
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:09,439
Speaker 6: needs to be that gender roles are observed, but there

837
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 6: needs to be a strategy in place so that both

838
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,400
Speaker 6: people are comfortable.

839
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, but even that strategy said that the father should

840
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:15,920
Speaker 3: get a second job.

841
00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:19,080
Speaker 6: Well, yeah, because during the gestation period, just because you

842
00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 6: never know what could happen during that ten months that

843
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,120
Speaker 6: a woman is pregnant.

844
00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,440
Speaker 3: And that's the main reason why my father told me

845
00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:26,959
Speaker 3: that I had to be a provider, because we talked

846
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,520
Speaker 3: about this before when Kay got pregnant. We was in college,

847
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 3: and I told him I can handle it and then

848
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,400
Speaker 3: we could we work together. And he looked at me

849
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 3: and said, what if what if she has a baby

850
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,440
Speaker 3: and can't go back to work, what if she can't.

851
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:37,840
Speaker 1: Go back to school?

852
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:39,799
Speaker 2: Is asking all those questions he was.

853
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:41,839
Speaker 3: Asking me all those questions, and as a young dude,

854
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:43,719
Speaker 3: I was nineteen years old, I didn't have answers and

855
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 3: it scared the shit out of me. And then he

856
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,720
Speaker 3: was just like, that's your job to figure that out.

857
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,680
Speaker 3: That's not hers why she's carrying that baby. And when

858
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,560
Speaker 3: he said it to me, it kind of makes sense, like,

859
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 3: as a man, what else am I supposed to do

860
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,600
Speaker 3: after I've already impregnated this woman, I gotta go provide

861
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 3: and protect. And I just think that those roles have

862
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:04,760
Speaker 3: kind of grown into since I'm the provider and protector

863
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:06,960
Speaker 3: and that I want on you. I'm gonna be honest

864
00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:10,279
Speaker 3: a lot of if you go from the fifties and

865
00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 3: so the way they treated women, it was like, yeah,

866
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,480
Speaker 3: I chose you, you're gonna have my kids, So now you

867
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,120
Speaker 3: stay in this house bedfoo them pregnant and you do that.

868
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,160
Speaker 1: Am I agreeing with that? No, I'm not agreeing with that.

869
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,839
Speaker 3: But what I'm saying is that we can't negate the

870
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 3: fact that women need help when they're going through childbirth

871
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,080
Speaker 3: and labor, and they need a partner who's going to

872
00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:30,879
Speaker 3: be able to provide and protect for them.

873
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:33,520
Speaker 2: In that time, I saw a mem it was a

874
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:37,000
Speaker 2: video actually showed Deval on Instagram the other day and

875
00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:39,000
Speaker 2: I was like, wow, this is something that I've heard

876
00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:41,160
Speaker 2: my grandmother say. And it was an old Jamaican granny

877
00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,720
Speaker 2: and she was with her daughter and someone was recording

878
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:46,759
Speaker 2: in pretty much she was just like, you know, when

879
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:50,200
Speaker 2: you make your money, even if you're married, what should

880
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:53,239
Speaker 2: you do? And she said, have your own money. And

881
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 2: she said, you have your own account. And it's an

882
00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,600
Speaker 2: account that you keep to yourself that your spouse does

883
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 2: not know about because you just never know. So it's

884
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,319
Speaker 2: pretty much having your mad money, rainy day fund in

885
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 2: the event that things go wrong kind of situation. So

886
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,000
Speaker 2: Deval and I were talking about it because that's something

887
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,160
Speaker 2: that my grandmother had told me, and I know she

888
00:39:13,239 --> 00:39:15,919
Speaker 2: told my mom that my aunts is just a thing

889
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:18,880
Speaker 2: that they always were concerned about. Because in the event

890
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 2: that your husband leaves you, you know, loses his job,

891
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:25,880
Speaker 2: don't want you no more, you want to walk away,

892
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,880
Speaker 2: you should be able to have a savings that you

893
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,239
Speaker 2: can at least transition into a new phase of life

894
00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:34,400
Speaker 2: with or have some cushion. So in the when you

895
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 2: think about gender roles, you think about being able to

896
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 2: earn money. You know, what do y'all think about women

897
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:44,400
Speaker 2: than feeling like we need to have a stash set aside,

898
00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:46,800
Speaker 2: because you just never know if this man can't provide

899
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:50,360
Speaker 2: and protect, or if he feels like because he provides

900
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,680
Speaker 2: and protect, he essentially owns me and there's no way

901
00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:56,719
Speaker 2: out unless I have my fund. You know what do

902
00:39:56,760 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 2: you think about having secret accounts? And it could be

903
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:01,000
Speaker 2: a thing where men have secret acounts too. You never know,

904
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:03,120
Speaker 2: but I know that that was something that was told

905
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:05,359
Speaker 2: to me as a young lady growing up.

906
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 3: Well, you got to answer, do you have a secret account?

907
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,160
Speaker 2: I don't. I don't have a secret account. We have

908
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:14,399
Speaker 2: our family pot, we both have our Yeah, we don't,

909
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:17,200
Speaker 2: and we just transparency works for the Valani because we've

910
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:17,959
Speaker 2: always had a plan.

911
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,320
Speaker 4: But if it was a secret, you wouldn't tell us.

912
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,759
Speaker 2: If if it was a secret, You're right, You're right.

913
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:23,560
Speaker 4: Yeah.

914
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:25,880
Speaker 2: But I can say say, quite honestly, like I don't.

915
00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:27,839
Speaker 2: I don't feel the need for that.

916
00:40:28,239 --> 00:40:29,360
Speaker 1: See a question right now.

917
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,200
Speaker 2: I don't feel the need for that now. And you

918
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:35,960
Speaker 2: can say that I'm stupid, you can say that I'm

919
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 2: so you know, into my man that I don't foresee

920
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,080
Speaker 2: it being an issue. Even if I feel like Deval

921
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 2: and I were to split, which we know we're not

922
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:43,960
Speaker 2: going to do that. We put it out there. There's

923
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:47,200
Speaker 2: no splitting happening. We had the conversation, But I don't.

924
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,719
Speaker 2: Deval does not strike me as someone who would just

925
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:53,000
Speaker 2: want to see me suffer, even if that wasn't the case.

926
00:40:53,239 --> 00:40:54,800
Speaker 2: You know, So No, I don't.

927
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:57,239
Speaker 6: And if he did, you just make sure you got

928
00:40:57,239 --> 00:40:59,719
Speaker 6: the insurance policy period. I got the.

929
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:02,840
Speaker 2: Hut.

930
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,279
Speaker 9: But questions, You don't have a secret account, but do

931
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:11,479
Speaker 9: you treat your personal account because you have the joint

932
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,080
Speaker 9: account that you each have your own personal do you

933
00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:16,760
Speaker 9: treat your personal account as if as that almost secret account,

934
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,920
Speaker 9: like let me stash up for Randy Dad.

935
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:19,320
Speaker 7: God forbid.

936
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,000
Speaker 2: No, I don't see it as that. I see it

937
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,799
Speaker 2: as more of an account where if I want to

938
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,520
Speaker 2: do something for de Vo and it wants to be

939
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,800
Speaker 2: a surprise and I don't want him to know about it,

940
00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 2: I'll use the account for that.

941
00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 1: But because I got.

942
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:34,640
Speaker 3: Access to it, like you know what I'm saying, Like

943
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:37,080
Speaker 3: I can go to see her account, yeah, right in

944
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:38,799
Speaker 3: the chase, you know what I'm saying, So it ain't

945
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:39,440
Speaker 3: really secret.

946
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, but my mentality. Having my own account is not

947
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:45,239
Speaker 2: let me hold on to this india that things go wrong.

948
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 2: So I feel like, if you continue to manifest stuff

949
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 2: like that, you know what I'm saying, it becomes a

950
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 2: self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm not therefore that that's not

951
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:54,719
Speaker 2: my mindset when it comes to us in our relationship.

952
00:41:54,719 --> 00:41:58,200
Speaker 2: But do any of y'all think about that mad money situation.

953
00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:01,359
Speaker 6: Or yeah, a single person, I did a crazy thing

954
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,000
Speaker 6: a couple of years ago. I moved to a Rhode

955
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 6: Island to live with a partner and that was dumb

956
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:07,919
Speaker 6: as fuck.

957
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 5: And had I not been able to.

958
00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:15,080
Speaker 6: Move, you know, if I didn't have you know, money

959
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 6: to move and do what I needed to do, that

960
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,920
Speaker 6: could have been disastrous. I could be living in my parents'

961
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:25,719
Speaker 6: basement right now, like a total loser. But so yeah,

962
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:30,040
Speaker 6: even when dating, and I know myself well enough to

963
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 6: know that when it comes to dating, I'm a bad picker.

964
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:36,640
Speaker 6: Chances are if I get married it's gonna be twice

965
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 6: because I got to.

966
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:44,680
Speaker 10: Stop thinking, moved to Rhode Island and gave them with

967
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:48,920
Speaker 10: me your money, I would put it to you.

968
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 6: No, I'm not saying gave her my money but I'm

969
00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:56,960
Speaker 6: just saying, like, because the the the deal was, I

970
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,080
Speaker 6: would move to Rhode Island.

971
00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 5: She would pay for everything. I wasn't supposed to pay for.

972
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:03,600
Speaker 4: Anything, you sugar mama.

973
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:04,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, but.

974
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 6: If you ever dated a white person, that should always

975
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,800
Speaker 6: be the deal anyway, the white person.

976
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:15,479
Speaker 1: But uh.

977
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:20,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly so yeah, so having my.

978
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:26,600
Speaker 1: Moment, yes you do that for the culture.

979
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:28,080
Speaker 5: For the culture. It wasn't much.

980
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:29,920
Speaker 9: Me, but.

981
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:35,160
Speaker 5: I got a little bit. I got a little down payments.

982
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 6: But my step mom used to tell me that all

983
00:43:39,160 --> 00:43:42,760
Speaker 6: the time, like, always have your own money.

984
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:46,000
Speaker 1: I can say this growing up as a woman.

985
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 3: If if I had a girl growing up in these times,

986
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:52,400
Speaker 3: I would tell my daughter to make sure you have

987
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:56,200
Speaker 3: your own things. But I also would because let's let's

988
00:43:56,239 --> 00:43:59,319
Speaker 3: be honest, every time you you date someone you don't

989
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 3: know like you really don't. And there is a power

990
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 3: dynamic with men and women. It's not only financial, it's

991
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:08,000
Speaker 3: it's a physical right. And it comes a point where

992
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 3: the physical power dynamic does not work in the woman's favor.

993
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:15,279
Speaker 3: And if my daughter was in a place where she

994
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,279
Speaker 3: felt unsafe and the only way she could get away

995
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:21,400
Speaker 3: was her resources, I would rather have her own resources

996
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:23,880
Speaker 3: to get away than have to fight physically, you know

997
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:26,560
Speaker 3: what I'm saying. So I would tell my daughter, like, YO,

998
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:30,000
Speaker 3: first of all, you know, you got daddy. Like I

999
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:33,080
Speaker 3: told my sister to shout out boone, y'all love you.

1000
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 3: You know you're like a brother in law even though

1001
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,799
Speaker 3: you're not married yet. But I told my sister, if

1002
00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:39,120
Speaker 3: you ever feel unsafe, you can bring your ass home,

1003
00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 3: Like you know what I'm saying. Even if she don't

1004
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:44,359
Speaker 3: have the resources, she got her brothers. Yeah, she got

1005
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:46,040
Speaker 3: her dad, you know what I'm saying. And I think

1006
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:48,680
Speaker 3: that's ultimately kind of like what the women were saying.

1007
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:50,880
Speaker 3: That grandmother was like, you gotta have your own to

1008
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:53,520
Speaker 3: protect yourself and your kids because you can't fight this

1009
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 3: man if y'all going at it, and if you give

1010
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,120
Speaker 3: him all your resources, then you stuck.

1011
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,520
Speaker 2: Absolutely, Yeah, I completely get it where it's get that

1012
00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:03,879
Speaker 2: for women of domestic violence victims, that's the reason why

1013
00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 2: they typically endure it for so long. It's because they

1014
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:09,719
Speaker 2: don't have the monetary means to be on their own.

1015
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:10,680
Speaker 7: She said.

1016
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:13,759
Speaker 9: She said she didn't have the means that people asked,

1017
00:45:13,719 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 9: wat you say so? Long said I didn't really have

1018
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 9: the means.

1019
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,360
Speaker 3: That, and I mean that's a crazy power dynamic in

1020
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:23,680
Speaker 3: a relationship. Whoever controls the finances controls the power. So

1021
00:45:23,719 --> 00:45:25,880
Speaker 3: you got the physical power dynamic and then you have

1022
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:29,080
Speaker 3: the financial So I think, I think, especially for women,

1023
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:30,839
Speaker 3: I don't think it's a bad thing to tell women

1024
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:32,640
Speaker 3: to have their own ship me.

1025
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:35,000
Speaker 1: I told then she needs to keep her own money.

1026
00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:36,920
Speaker 8: If I give my wife money and she ain't got

1027
00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:38,440
Speaker 8: away to put it, of course she should have her

1028
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:39,279
Speaker 8: own account.

1029
00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:41,560
Speaker 3: Well, I mean that's yeah, But but my thing is

1030
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 3: she should also feel like it's her, that's her, and

1031
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 3: I gave this, but this is mine. And I'm agreeing

1032
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 3: with you, like I think women should have their own accounts.

1033
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:55,840
Speaker 3: Like I was brought up on that our money, the

1034
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:59,480
Speaker 3: money I make is our money, but I also has

1035
00:45:59,560 --> 00:45:59,960
Speaker 3: her own.

1036
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,120
Speaker 8: Whatever it's hers is herds. She don't got to share

1037
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 8: that with me. She don't got to share that with Victoria.

1038
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:06,520
Speaker 8: That's told you that, my bishop, my pastor.

1039
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:08,000
Speaker 1: Now look you see how he heard that.

1040
00:46:08,040 --> 00:46:09,680
Speaker 2: I heard that, and you heard the same thing.

1041
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:11,279
Speaker 1: Right, So it's like men are hearing this.

1042
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:13,359
Speaker 2: And it doesn't have to be a secret, No, it's

1043
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:14,399
Speaker 2: you have to be a secret.

1044
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:15,040
Speaker 1: But check this out.

1045
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:17,040
Speaker 3: Men are hearing this, and women are hearing to have

1046
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:20,239
Speaker 3: your own thing. And then wonder why men feel like

1047
00:46:20,320 --> 00:46:22,600
Speaker 3: the only thing that they have value with is their money.

1048
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:25,760
Speaker 1: Is that his bishop told his dad that.

1049
00:46:25,719 --> 00:46:28,160
Speaker 3: You have your money. Your money takes care everybody. Your

1050
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:29,200
Speaker 3: wife can have her own.

1051
00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.

1052
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,720
Speaker 3: My father told me that a woman told another woman,

1053
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:33,839
Speaker 3: have your own.

1054
00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:34,600
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying.

1055
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 3: The things that we feel and believe is men we

1056
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:40,319
Speaker 3: really don't realize we've been conditioned, socialized to think that way.

1057
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:42,399
Speaker 2: But you guys also have great examples. I'm sure your

1058
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:45,399
Speaker 2: bishop with somebody you respected, your dad is somebody who

1059
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:47,799
Speaker 2: you respect as well. Not everybody's getting the same kind

1060
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:51,360
Speaker 2: of counsel. That is that absolutely, that's where things go

1061
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:54,520
Speaker 2: arise when people are getting you know, im proper counsel.

1062
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:54,800
Speaker 1: Say this.

1063
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:57,080
Speaker 3: Somebody asked us we was doing a radio and if

1064
00:46:57,120 --> 00:46:58,919
Speaker 3: you and they asked us, like, what we think about

1065
00:46:58,920 --> 00:47:02,960
Speaker 3: the fifty fifty comics? And I really couldn't even fathom

1066
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,279
Speaker 3: the idea because all of my life I was told

1067
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,000
Speaker 3: that this is how a man is supposed to be.

1068
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 3: I couldn't fathom just going to my woman and saying

1069
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,400
Speaker 3: we gotta go fifty to fifty.

1070
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:13,959
Speaker 4: We did, there's your half of the rent, right.

1071
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:16,080
Speaker 1: I can't imagine that.

1072
00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:17,120
Speaker 4: I can't imagine either.

1073
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:19,279
Speaker 2: I don't know. One or two couples come to mind

1074
00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:20,919
Speaker 2: or that's there. That's what they do and it works

1075
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:21,360
Speaker 2: for them.

1076
00:47:21,239 --> 00:47:21,879
Speaker 1: And that's my thing.

1077
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:22,880
Speaker 2: That's cool.

1078
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:26,640
Speaker 3: But why does it have to be a group discussion

1079
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,360
Speaker 3: that we all agree that it should be fifty to fifty.

1080
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,560
Speaker 3: I also don't feel that everybody has to do what

1081
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:35,040
Speaker 3: I say. What I think is this is what works

1082
00:47:35,040 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 3: for me.

1083
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:37,719
Speaker 4: Yeah, your family, and I peered with somebody who just

1084
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:38,319
Speaker 4: works for.

1085
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:40,680
Speaker 3: Right, right, because there might be a woman that wants

1086
00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:42,399
Speaker 3: to do fifty to fifty and a man that wants

1087
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 3: to do fifty fifty and if.

1088
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:45,120
Speaker 7: It works for them, it works.

1089
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:47,600
Speaker 3: Why do we have to have a group discussion about

1090
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:49,360
Speaker 3: agreeing on if it's fifty to fifty or not.

1091
00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:53,440
Speaker 2: Relationships are not a group project. Marriage is not a

1092
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:57,720
Speaker 2: group project. Folks that matter, Remember that's moment of truth.

1093
00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:01,239
Speaker 2: Don't steal my shit, it's shit.

1094
00:48:01,400 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 3: Listening to all of this actually gave me a like

1095
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:05,560
Speaker 3: a different perspective on one thing.

1096
00:48:05,600 --> 00:48:08,520
Speaker 1: I'll wait to my moment to moment of truth.

1097
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:12,319
Speaker 6: But I feel like in y'all's relationship and probably in

1098
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:18,000
Speaker 6: yours too, the power dynamic, I guess is not to

1099
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:23,560
Speaker 6: me like Stark, I don't see. So do you feel

1100
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:27,160
Speaker 6: a power dynamic that plays out in your relationships?

1101
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 2: You know it's maybe for us, particularly to Valini, because

1102
00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:35,080
Speaker 2: he empowers me so much to be my own person

1103
00:48:35,239 --> 00:48:37,759
Speaker 2: and to do my own thing, and he supports me

1104
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:40,600
Speaker 2: through everything I do. I never feel powerless because I

1105
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,680
Speaker 2: feel like I can do anything. You know, it's just

1106
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:45,120
Speaker 2: up to me what I want to do now. The

1107
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:47,040
Speaker 2: Sagittarian me. One day I want to do one thing.

1108
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:48,319
Speaker 2: The other day I'm like I want to stay home.

1109
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:49,360
Speaker 2: The other day I'm like, I want to be on

1110
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:53,400
Speaker 2: to beat somewhere. So me always chasing that spontaneity sometimes

1111
00:48:53,480 --> 00:48:55,279
Speaker 2: can leave him frustrated because he's just like, what the

1112
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:57,279
Speaker 2: fuck do you want to do today? You know? But

1113
00:48:58,120 --> 00:48:59,919
Speaker 2: I think that's the reason why we've been able to thrive,

1114
00:49:00,280 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 2: because there really is no distinct line, but there's a

1115
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:06,239
Speaker 2: desire for me to be able to contribute and you know,

1116
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:08,400
Speaker 2: an earner as well.

1117
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,640
Speaker 3: Because you never made me feel like my power is

1118
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:13,280
Speaker 3: only in my ability to provide.

1119
00:49:13,320 --> 00:49:16,080
Speaker 1: I never felt like I had to force that on her,

1120
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:17,040
Speaker 1: like I you know what I'm saying.

1121
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:19,600
Speaker 3: That's why I always feel like I can empower because

1122
00:49:19,600 --> 00:49:21,719
Speaker 3: it's just like, she never made me feel less than

1123
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:24,880
Speaker 3: when I didn't have it, And I knew that it

1124
00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,640
Speaker 3: was hard, not only for me but for her because

1125
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:28,719
Speaker 3: she was used to a certain I remember one day

1126
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,360
Speaker 3: she asked me when she got the car, got broken

1127
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:32,840
Speaker 3: into it and they took a person.

1128
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,080
Speaker 1: She came back and she said, where the fuck do

1129
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:35,239
Speaker 1: you have me right now?

1130
00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:37,880
Speaker 3: And I remember she asked that with like, like so

1131
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,440
Speaker 3: like much sincerity because she had never lived like that.

1132
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:43,799
Speaker 3: She lived in Knarci in the nineties, which was all

1133
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:47,440
Speaker 3: Italian and Jewish, right, and then we moved to Michigan.

1134
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:50,600
Speaker 3: She went to school at Hofstra and then we lived

1135
00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:53,279
Speaker 3: in Campton, Michigan, which was the suburbs, bought a house,

1136
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:56,920
Speaker 3: and then we moved back to Crown Heights in an apartment.

1137
00:49:56,520 --> 00:49:59,239
Speaker 1: Bro And then the second week we was there, there was.

1138
00:49:59,239 --> 00:50:02,600
Speaker 7: A murder on I think Mark traumatizing.

1139
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:05,640
Speaker 1: Literally looked at me and was just like, Bro, where

1140
00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:06,759
Speaker 1: the fuck do you have me? Bro?

1141
00:50:07,200 --> 00:50:07,359
Speaker 6: Like?

1142
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:09,319
Speaker 1: And she was mad, and I.

1143
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:11,799
Speaker 2: Felt like because I was like yo, I was, I

1144
00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:14,200
Speaker 2: was rocking with you. I said, Okay, we're gonna do

1145
00:50:14,239 --> 00:50:17,960
Speaker 2: the wedding and we'll stay here. Fine, but how long?

1146
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:22,360
Speaker 3: Sometimes I really do be like yo, okay, Like I'm

1147
00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:25,520
Speaker 3: I've never said this publicly, but there was sometimes I

1148
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:28,120
Speaker 3: was just like, man, if she left and just got

1149
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:29,719
Speaker 3: with some rich nigga to just take her to do

1150
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:31,080
Speaker 3: some shit, I wouldn't even be mad.

1151
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:32,920
Speaker 1: There was a moment.

1152
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:35,160
Speaker 3: There was a moment, yeah, because it was a moment

1153
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:37,640
Speaker 3: in Brooklyn where it was just like a struggle after

1154
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:40,440
Speaker 3: struggle after struggle, and it wasn't like a couple of months.

1155
00:50:40,600 --> 00:50:42,759
Speaker 3: It was like a four year span where we I

1156
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:45,239
Speaker 3: couldn't buy her no. I couldn't buy her nothing. I

1157
00:50:45,239 --> 00:50:47,360
Speaker 3: couldn't we couldn't go on no vacations, and it was

1158
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:50,040
Speaker 3: like draining to me. And I was just like, yo,

1159
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:51,719
Speaker 3: I know that she likes to travel, and I know

1160
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:53,520
Speaker 3: that she likes nice things, and I know that she

1161
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:55,920
Speaker 3: had that for three years out of college and now

1162
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:58,680
Speaker 3: we're going on four years and it hasn't happened yet.

1163
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 3: Like if she just was like, y'all can't do this,

1164
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 3: I was kind of like whatever, you know what I'm saying,

1165
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,239
Speaker 3: and that's what I'm talking about, Like the power dynamics

1166
00:51:05,320 --> 00:51:07,880
Speaker 3: was never from you. It was all me on myself,

1167
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,720
Speaker 3: like just yeah, it's dark cloud.

1168
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,400
Speaker 6: That's what it seems like. It seems as though you

1169
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:16,759
Speaker 6: both appreciate each other for what you bring to the relationship,

1170
00:51:16,840 --> 00:51:19,080
Speaker 6: and what you bring to the relationship is not monetary,

1171
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:22,880
Speaker 6: right it is. I know Kadeen always talks about your vision,

1172
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:28,319
Speaker 6: your work ethic, and it's never like, oh, he bought me.

1173
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:32,560
Speaker 3: You know. She's never asked me, like seriously, never asked

1174
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:36,120
Speaker 3: me for anything monetarily. Yeah, and we're talking about twenty

1175
00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:38,080
Speaker 3: two years about to be twenty three years of friendship.

1176
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,640
Speaker 3: Cane's never come to me saying, babe, can we or

1177
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:44,000
Speaker 3: can I It's just always been me wanting to provide

1178
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:46,880
Speaker 3: for her. Even when we got married, I stopped saying

1179
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,560
Speaker 3: that she was the reason why we had the big

1180
00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:51,040
Speaker 3: wedding because when I went back and started going over

1181
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:53,279
Speaker 3: my mind, I wanted to live up to what all

1182
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:55,400
Speaker 3: of my friends did for they wise. That's why I

1183
00:51:55,440 --> 00:51:58,279
Speaker 3: said I could never put the power dynamic issue on her.

1184
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:00,879
Speaker 1: It was where I was coming from, like that.

1185
00:52:00,840 --> 00:52:03,080
Speaker 6: Could have been in power that nine issue because the

1186
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,680
Speaker 6: wedding thing, I think they injacked you up in private.

1187
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:07,680
Speaker 1: She did.

1188
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:10,840
Speaker 3: She wanted the wedding, not the house, and then flipped

1189
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:12,640
Speaker 3: it after we had to move back to.

1190
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:16,000
Speaker 2: It because I literally was like, we were supposed to

1191
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:19,040
Speaker 2: get booth. That's what she said, sir, you know, And

1192
00:52:19,080 --> 00:52:20,880
Speaker 2: that was just my mentality. But that's how much I

1193
00:52:20,920 --> 00:52:23,359
Speaker 2: believed in him and his ambition and his vision because

1194
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,920
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, this is gonna be a temporary situation,

1195
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:29,800
Speaker 2: a little temporary setback to get farther forward, not thinking

1196
00:52:29,840 --> 00:52:33,240
Speaker 2: that temporary setback was going to pretend to the whole

1197
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:35,800
Speaker 2: decade later.

1198
00:52:36,239 --> 00:52:38,920
Speaker 6: So that was on me and rather than like dominant

1199
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:42,799
Speaker 6: and submission, like the vision and the belief seemed to

1200
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:44,000
Speaker 6: be the power balance.

1201
00:52:43,719 --> 00:52:49,000
Speaker 3: That you, Oh yeah, that's fire too. Trouble vision and belief.

1202
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,440
Speaker 3: You gotta have someone that can see it, but you

1203
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:51,080
Speaker 3: need someone that.

1204
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:54,040
Speaker 2: Can believe it and definitely believe absolutely. I sure did.

1205
00:52:54,160 --> 00:52:55,279
Speaker 2: I still believe in you, Boo.

1206
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 1: I'm believing you too. I'm gonna show you later.

1207
00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:01,920
Speaker 2: I believe in you and me. That's less karaoke. I

1208
00:53:02,080 --> 00:53:05,960
Speaker 2: believe we y'all need to have no alphabelic.

1209
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:07,280
Speaker 5: I got it on camera.

1210
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:07,839
Speaker 1: I got it on.

1211
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:14,920
Speaker 2: The camp cord evidence everywhere.

1212
00:53:20,440 --> 00:53:37,360
Speaker 1: Break come back and do these list the letters, and

1213
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:40,880
Speaker 1: we're back. Let's jump into these listener letters.

1214
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:45,439
Speaker 2: Real alright, let's do it. First letter more than one?

1215
00:53:46,200 --> 00:53:48,160
Speaker 3: No, no, no, this is just the first word is first?

1216
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:48,839
Speaker 6: First?

1217
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,200
Speaker 2: Oh you want me to read it? Aren't gonnahead that time?

1218
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:53,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, you was on your phone, So I'm trying to keep.

1219
00:53:54,239 --> 00:53:56,600
Speaker 2: Trying to handle business simultaneously.

1220
00:53:57,080 --> 00:54:00,319
Speaker 3: First, I love the realness, transparency, and often to city

1221
00:54:00,360 --> 00:54:01,720
Speaker 3: you bring from your real lives.

1222
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you so much.

1223
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:05,440
Speaker 3: When I log onto my Instagram and saw a part

1224
00:54:05,480 --> 00:54:07,719
Speaker 3: of de VAO's essence interview, it hit me then I'm

1225
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:08,280
Speaker 3: just tired.

1226
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:09,040
Speaker 1: Kadeen.

1227
00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:12,040
Speaker 3: Your beautiful words inspiration you have for your husband is

1228
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:15,600
Speaker 3: everything I wanted advice. As a wife and mother, I've

1229
00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:18,880
Speaker 3: been struggling to get a job. Crazy is which is crazy.

1230
00:54:18,920 --> 00:54:21,720
Speaker 3: With my degree in human resources and experience, that is crazy.

1231
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:23,920
Speaker 3: To help my husband out with bills and just to

1232
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:26,000
Speaker 3: do the necessary things like buying things for the kids

1233
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,520
Speaker 3: and just maintenance on myself as a woman. It's been

1234
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:30,719
Speaker 3: since fall of twenty twenty three that I couldn't work

1235
00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:32,960
Speaker 3: due to nursing school, but had to drop out due

1236
00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:33,840
Speaker 3: to me not having.

1237
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 1: Funds to pay for school.

1238
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:38,200
Speaker 3: Ever since then, I just keep getting the unfortunately emails

1239
00:54:38,200 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 3: from employers. I try to stay calm and not really

1240
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,439
Speaker 3: express to my husband how I feel because it's hard

1241
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:46,320
Speaker 3: for him, and I feel like I'm adding to the stress.

1242
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:48,920
Speaker 3: He will be married or we will be married nine

1243
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:53,000
Speaker 3: years in October and never like and never like, never

1244
00:54:53,239 --> 00:54:56,080
Speaker 3: been on an airplane together, went on a vacation just

1245
00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:57,879
Speaker 3: the two of us, or with our children. I'm thirty

1246
00:54:57,920 --> 00:54:59,960
Speaker 3: seven years old and he's thirty eight. Every day is

1247
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:02,720
Speaker 3: like I'm sitting by the phone hoping for an interview email.

1248
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,080
Speaker 3: I pray, we pray, I know and have God in

1249
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:07,920
Speaker 3: my life. But a sister is tired. How can I

1250
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:10,799
Speaker 3: express this hurt to those around me? Me completing my

1251
00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:13,759
Speaker 3: bachelor's degree is dangling due to no financial AO. I

1252
00:55:14,239 --> 00:55:18,000
Speaker 3: get everything she's saying, Sis speak your truth y the

1253
00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:18,480
Speaker 3: rest of this?

1254
00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:21,399
Speaker 2: How can I relate this to my husband's speak? Who

1255
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:22,040
Speaker 2: else can you.

1256
00:55:22,000 --> 00:55:23,200
Speaker 1: Relate to the truth?

1257
00:55:24,280 --> 00:55:26,720
Speaker 3: Y'all been together nine years? I guarantee you that husband

1258
00:55:27,040 --> 00:55:30,320
Speaker 3: loves you more than himself if you tell him exactly

1259
00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:32,920
Speaker 3: how you feel as a husband, what he's gonna do,

1260
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:34,840
Speaker 3: which is probably the wrong thing, is try to figure

1261
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:37,719
Speaker 3: out a way to fix it. But since you told him,

1262
00:55:37,719 --> 00:55:39,600
Speaker 3: if y'all could sit down and figure it out together,

1263
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:40,879
Speaker 3: two heads are better than one.

1264
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:43,080
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, devise a plan. Man, If you

1265
00:55:43,120 --> 00:55:46,319
Speaker 2: can't speak to your spouse about the things that are

1266
00:55:46,320 --> 00:55:49,440
Speaker 2: troubling you deepest, then like, who else are you going

1267
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:51,279
Speaker 2: to speak to you? And sometimes and you said, you

1268
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:54,200
Speaker 2: said those around me, maybe it's not those around you.

1269
00:55:54,239 --> 00:55:56,200
Speaker 2: Maybe it's just him. You know, you guys have to

1270
00:55:56,200 --> 00:55:57,640
Speaker 2: help with the plan because you two are in the

1271
00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:00,759
Speaker 2: relationship and he might be also feeling the same things

1272
00:56:00,800 --> 00:56:03,120
Speaker 2: you're feeling at the same time too, Like you want

1273
00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:05,399
Speaker 2: to be able to find a balance between finding work,

1274
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:08,000
Speaker 2: working and enjoying life, like not having been on a

1275
00:56:08,040 --> 00:56:11,040
Speaker 2: plane together vacation just the two of you. Sometimes you

1276
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:12,520
Speaker 2: don't even have to try to get on a plane

1277
00:56:12,560 --> 00:56:14,400
Speaker 2: if you can't do that yet, it's just taking some

1278
00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:17,200
Speaker 2: downtime together. Like before Deval and I were able to

1279
00:56:17,280 --> 00:56:19,000
Speaker 2: do those kind of things. We used to go do

1280
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:21,720
Speaker 2: a picnic in the park, you know, we drive somewhere,

1281
00:56:21,719 --> 00:56:24,400
Speaker 2: put the windows down, the sunroof open, and we play cards,

1282
00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:27,800
Speaker 2: like there were matinee Yeah, matinee shows because those were cheaper.

1283
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:32,560
Speaker 3: Remember we go bowling two lit two dollars bowling after

1284
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:34,600
Speaker 3: seven we being in three four hours. K put on

1285
00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:36,600
Speaker 3: some little short shorts. I put on the tank top

1286
00:56:36,640 --> 00:56:37,960
Speaker 3: and we'd be flirting with each other.

1287
00:56:38,239 --> 00:56:39,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know, drinking.

1288
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:42,360
Speaker 3: Long Islands because it was happy hour at the bowling alley.

1289
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:43,360
Speaker 2: Like that's the fact.

1290
00:56:43,920 --> 00:56:45,879
Speaker 1: I will say, this is the drink I used to drink.

1291
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:46,520
Speaker 1: That was terrible.

1292
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,479
Speaker 3: I forget Red Devil, the Red Devil, that's a while drunk.

1293
00:56:49,719 --> 00:56:49,919
Speaker 10: Yeah.

1294
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:54,879
Speaker 3: People keep referencing the Essence interview, and I think it's

1295
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:56,080
Speaker 3: because everybody is tired.

1296
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,520
Speaker 2: Everyone is tired, Like I.

1297
00:56:57,440 --> 00:56:58,359
Speaker 1: Want to say this to that.

1298
00:56:58,360 --> 00:57:00,799
Speaker 3: That interview wasn't like I'm tired as a celebrity quote

1299
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:03,720
Speaker 3: unquote or a famous person. It was like I'm just tired,

1300
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:06,120
Speaker 3: Like I got kids, I got I got a wife,

1301
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:07,799
Speaker 3: I got a lot of things to do. When you're

1302
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:11,080
Speaker 3: in a recession, it's harder to make money for everybody. Right,

1303
00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:14,359
Speaker 3: It's not just hard for the mail carrier. It's hard

1304
00:57:14,480 --> 00:57:17,520
Speaker 3: for the millionaire to make money because everybody's scrambling for

1305
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:19,040
Speaker 3: the small amount of resources.

1306
00:57:19,040 --> 00:57:20,400
Speaker 1: That's what a recession is about.

1307
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:23,880
Speaker 3: So I think everybody is just mentally and physically fatigued

1308
00:57:23,880 --> 00:57:26,440
Speaker 3: because we're all like running and running and running to

1309
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:28,919
Speaker 3: get our share of the American pot. So I will

1310
00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:34,120
Speaker 3: say this, we are man to your husband, love on yourself, right,

1311
00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:36,800
Speaker 3: but also understand that you're not the only one going

1312
00:57:36,840 --> 00:57:37,080
Speaker 3: through this.

1313
00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:38,720
Speaker 1: We all tired.

1314
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:42,520
Speaker 3: Everybody the same time that I was that had the interview,

1315
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:44,920
Speaker 3: I was talking to Josh right before that. Josh was

1316
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:48,240
Speaker 3: tired too. I had left from Jay and Matt Me

1317
00:57:48,320 --> 00:57:50,880
Speaker 3: and Jay was me. Jay and Matt was outside talking

1318
00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:53,439
Speaker 3: that day. Jay was tired, Matt tired.

1319
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:56,920
Speaker 2: Bruh, Like I talked to my siblings, my girlfriends. I

1320
00:57:57,040 --> 00:58:00,360
Speaker 2: was recently away with the friend. Like everybody's just like yo.

1321
00:58:00,920 --> 00:58:06,040
Speaker 2: Life is just exhausting. It is regardless of where you are.

1322
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:08,640
Speaker 2: So good luck to you guys. You have deep breath,

1323
00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:12,120
Speaker 2: continue to stay prayed up and talk to your hubby.

1324
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:16,000
Speaker 2: All right, y'all, thank you so much for writing in

1325
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:20,200
Speaker 2: listener letters. The email is uh well, pretty much still

1326
00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:22,240
Speaker 2: the same as of the season with Elis. Ever after

1327
00:58:22,640 --> 00:58:25,200
Speaker 2: the Elisadvice at gmail dot com.

1328
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:27,560
Speaker 1: That's t H E E L L I S. A

1329
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:30,680
Speaker 1: d V I C. E At gmail dot com.

1330
00:58:31,080 --> 00:58:36,360
Speaker 2: Moment of truth time, we're talking power dynamics, the struggle

1331
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:40,880
Speaker 2: that is balancing or not mad sas he has no

1332
00:58:41,240 --> 00:58:43,200
Speaker 2: coming from a newlywed, He's just like, I don't know

1333
00:58:43,240 --> 00:58:44,160
Speaker 2: about that life yet.

1334
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:45,240
Speaker 1: It's trick.

1335
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:46,720
Speaker 9: You can talk about stuff with my wife not here.

1336
00:58:46,720 --> 00:58:48,960
Speaker 9: I don't want to give an unbalanced perspective either.

1337
00:58:49,880 --> 00:58:51,280
Speaker 1: I understand that fair.

1338
00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,520
Speaker 5: I understand that's a power balance right there.

1339
00:58:54,560 --> 00:59:01,560
Speaker 1: You say that.

1340
00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:03,680
Speaker 2: Before She's like, you had me on the internet looking stupid.

1341
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:09,560
Speaker 1: That gosh, what you got for us with the cool shades?

1342
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:11,480
Speaker 4: What are we going on?

1343
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:15,960
Speaker 1: This will happens?

1344
00:59:16,840 --> 00:59:21,080
Speaker 3: Let people smoke before the podcast that he got shall

1345
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:22,040
Speaker 3: because his eyes is red.

1346
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:24,560
Speaker 2: It's daisy. He does not smoke. What do you mean?

1347
00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:27,640
Speaker 1: Never forgot his mom's watching him. He not smoke. His

1348
00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:28,160
Speaker 1: eyes a low.

1349
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:32,320
Speaker 4: That's why I do this to me.

1350
00:59:32,400 --> 00:59:34,840
Speaker 1: Man, you don't got a moment of truth and let

1351
00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:35,280
Speaker 1: trouble go.

1352
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:36,760
Speaker 4: Trouble moment of truth.

1353
00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:43,680
Speaker 6: But my moment of truth is don't try to place

1354
00:59:43,720 --> 00:59:46,640
Speaker 6: a gender role on me because in the words of

1355
00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:52,320
Speaker 6: the Great Durant Bernard, I'm a bad bitch and I'm

1356
00:59:52,360 --> 00:59:55,880
Speaker 6: that nigga amen.

1357
00:59:56,520 --> 00:59:59,800
Speaker 5: Amen, I'm a bad bitch and cannot be contained.

1358
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:06,280
Speaker 3: At the same time, I don't know if you ate something.

1359
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:12,080
Speaker 5: Talking about is anybody in their booger stuff?

1360
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:12,760
Speaker 1: You want me to get this?

1361
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:23,160
Speaker 2: My moment of truth is you want to say it's

1362
01:00:23,560 --> 01:00:26,800
Speaker 2: yours with the same thing. Marriage, relationships, those are not

1363
01:00:26,840 --> 01:00:32,240
Speaker 2: group projects. The answers are within with the person that

1364
01:00:32,480 --> 01:00:37,000
Speaker 2: you are engaging with. That is where the answer lies.

1365
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:40,480
Speaker 2: And you may be in a situation where it's like, listen,

1366
01:00:40,560 --> 01:00:43,440
Speaker 2: someone may not be the financial earner, but they provide

1367
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:46,480
Speaker 2: something else that you love. You got to put your

1368
01:00:46,480 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 2: head down on the pillow at night and feel good

1369
01:00:48,080 --> 01:00:51,000
Speaker 2: about the relationship that you're in. So for everybody else,

1370
01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:54,040
Speaker 2: and do you and your.

1371
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:55,840
Speaker 1: Partner took my whole thing.

1372
01:00:57,360 --> 01:00:59,080
Speaker 3: It again? I was literally just going to say that, man,

1373
01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:01,400
Speaker 3: you don't have to have the whole world agree about

1374
01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:03,760
Speaker 3: your power dynamics and your relationship for it to work.

1375
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:05,880
Speaker 1: If it worked for y'all, two is that simple words?

1376
01:01:06,040 --> 01:01:06,160
Speaker 2: Right?

1377
01:01:07,400 --> 01:01:07,520
Speaker 6: Yes?

1378
01:01:08,200 --> 01:01:09,520
Speaker 2: All right, y'all. And if you want to be featured

1379
01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:11,280
Speaker 2: as a listener, I don't know, we did that part already, right,

1380
01:01:11,880 --> 01:01:18,360
Speaker 2: be sure, right, be sure to follow us on Patreon.

1381
01:01:18,400 --> 01:01:20,040
Speaker 2: That's where all the action goes down. You see, Trim

1382
01:01:20,080 --> 01:01:26,960
Speaker 2: has been doing infomercials the entire time. If If you

1383
01:01:27,000 --> 01:01:30,320
Speaker 2: want more Ellis ever After content as well as the

1384
01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:33,440
Speaker 2: after show, you can find us there on Patreon. You

1385
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,640
Speaker 2: can also find us on social media at the Ellis

1386
01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,560
Speaker 2: ever After page. I am Kadine, I am and I.

1387
01:01:38,480 --> 01:01:41,320
Speaker 7: Am d Val, I'm underscoring Matt Doctor Ellis, and.

1388
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:44,080
Speaker 6: I'm josh I Underscore Duayne, and I'm at Trips the

1389
01:01:44,160 --> 01:01:47,320
Speaker 6: Cool t R I b b Z the Cool on Everything.

1390
01:01:47,480 --> 01:01:50,360
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,

1391
01:01:50,600 --> 01:01:53,680
Speaker 1: review and subscribe on three Baby.

1392
01:01:56,080 --> 01:01:58,360
Speaker 2: Yet I Still Live. I love that for us.

1393
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:00,680
Speaker 3: Go.

1394
01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:06,880
Speaker 6: Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted by

1395
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:11,840
Speaker 6: Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video, production

1396
01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:16,800
Speaker 6: by Joshua, Duane and Matthew Ellis, video editing by Lashawan Rowe.

1397
01:03:02,440 --> 01:03:29,480
Speaker 11: Di gif has to give, to give.

1398
01:03:39,600 --> 01:03:40,080
Speaker 7: To every

1399
01:04:00,800 --> 01:04:02,520
Speaker 9: And what you do