1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson. All right, well, I was 3 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:11,520 Speaker 1: just talking to you, and I don't think any of 4 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,680 Speaker 1: us get where we get for no reason, which is 5 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: why I love that you're starting to talk about your 6 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,759 Speaker 1: story publicly in the full story, because I think that's 7 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: such an important part of everyone's journey. Um, and if 8 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: we don't, we don't pay attention to how we got there, 9 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: we can't really dissect what's happening in our life. So, 10 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 1: for those of you who don't know Drew's story, the 11 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,640 Speaker 1: quick and way you know, much too simplified version is 12 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: that Drew is known for being the professional baseball player 13 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,559 Speaker 1: who survived a gunshot wound to the head from an 14 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: attempted suicide. Um. However, that statement is just much too 15 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,559 Speaker 1: broad and it doesn't speak to who you are as 16 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 1: a person, which has been a really fun experience for 17 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 1: me to get to learn about your journey and just 18 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: the whole experience fully. So that's the conversation that I 19 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 1: want to have today. Hi. By the way, Oh my gosh, 20 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: we're so happy here. Um was something like this, Like 21 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: I said, I just don't think it's like you randomly 22 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 1: wake up one day and just have this experience. You know, 23 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:10,759 Speaker 1: if there's a lot of different pieces that add up 24 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 1: to this end result. And UM, I want to know 25 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,840 Speaker 1: about the journey that got you here because I think 26 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 1: it's something that maybe a lot more people will resonate 27 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 1: with than they think. And just even the simple pieces 28 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: that we don't pay attention into attention to in our lives, 29 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 1: how they're affecting our mental health. So let's take it 30 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: all the way back. Let's go back to the childhood. 31 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 1: Can you tell us what you were like as a child? Yeah, man, Yeah, 32 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,039 Speaker 1: it's it's crazy because everything is a culmination, right, And 33 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: it's like the phrase I say, it's like, well obviously, 34 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 1: but like no one's suicidal until we are. And that's 35 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: that was me. Like I just didn't have the awareness. 36 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,480 Speaker 1: I didn't have the articulation of my thoughts and feelings 37 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 1: to understand what's happening. So and it's mainly because it's 38 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: not really talked about, um as openly as I think 39 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: it should be. UM. But yeah, as a child, I 40 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: was just the prototypical like younger, the the youngest sibling, 41 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 1: and our family of just like attention seeking, like getting 42 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:11,520 Speaker 1: my way, like always uh fussing, like making it harder 43 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 1: on my brother and my sister and my older my 44 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:16,359 Speaker 1: older siblings. Um and just kind of again like I 45 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: always just trying to keep up and always just trying 46 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: to make my way in our family. UM. And I 47 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 1: say that because like my brother was just we were 48 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 1: a sports family obviously, and my brother was just he 49 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 1: was just physically a beast from day one, Like he 50 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 1: was always way taller, way bigger than everyone in his 51 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 1: age class. And then I was exact exact opposite. I 52 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,520 Speaker 1: was always the smallest, so like I was always trying 53 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 1: to compete with him. Um. And like I said, it 54 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,920 Speaker 1: was I realized that it was like a lot of 55 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,799 Speaker 1: attention seeking and a lot of like trying to get 56 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,800 Speaker 1: my way and trying to get where I wanted. And 57 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 1: I said, I that's a pretty normal thing for the 58 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 1: youngest sibling of any family. They're able to kind of 59 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 1: manipulate and trying and get their way with like being 60 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,320 Speaker 1: the youngest in the baby So um, looking back, I 61 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: definitely took advantage of that, and we we joked about 62 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: every once a while now with my brother and my 63 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: sister like you, just you, just you, We're so annoying. 64 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 1: But it's like, guess what every family or every group 65 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,639 Speaker 1: of siblings usually say when they're kids. So m that's 66 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 1: how I was, And I just always trying to create 67 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 1: the attention by usually like good times and like laughter. 68 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: So I was just like a gigantic group ball. I 69 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:25,680 Speaker 1: loved hearing about the younger sibling comparing themselves. I think 70 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,680 Speaker 1: that's when a dynamic in my family, and I think 71 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: that we all can do that, right, Like even the 72 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: older sibling, we can compare. I have a younger brother 73 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: and I can look at him and be like, oh, 74 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: he's so much more creative or he's so much more 75 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: naturally this, and he's doing the same to me. So 76 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: you felt like that your whole entire life, just comparing 77 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 1: yourself to your brother and your sister. Yeah, for sure. 78 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,160 Speaker 1: It definitely happened more to my brother, just because we 79 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: both like sports. Yeah. Always, he was always like head 80 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: and shoulders over everybody in his age class and was 81 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 1: always the best. When we got older, he was likely 82 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: one of the best players in the city and in 83 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,040 Speaker 1: the nation. So I was just always like trying to 84 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: keep up with him and like even before he got 85 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: like super super well known, like when we're still younger, 86 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: I was still just always wanted to be around him 87 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: and and really like and now like I realized it's 88 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 1: not that bad to compare. Really, It's like I was 89 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 1: just kind of using as like his success as like 90 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:18,279 Speaker 1: a as like a benchmark. Um. But like I was 91 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,919 Speaker 1: just always around him, like no matter what. It was 92 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: a typical like Chad, take make sure you take Drew 93 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:27,320 Speaker 1: with you, and I'm really like long, I don't care 94 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,520 Speaker 1: what you say, like I'm I'm friends with your friends. 95 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:31,920 Speaker 1: I was like his bat boy for his travel ball 96 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: teams when we were younger, just like be around him 97 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 1: and and his friends and stuff. And just like just 98 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 1: like typically like a lot of younger siblings, like although 99 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 1: we fought and stuff and like battled each other and 100 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 1: then compared to each other, I was always just like 101 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: he was like my rock star. So I was just 102 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,480 Speaker 1: always trying to be around him and keep up them 103 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,159 Speaker 1: because I was like the biggest fan. Yeah, I love that. Well, 104 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,920 Speaker 1: So what happened. I know that you guys you said 105 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: you grew up in a baseball family, um, but you 106 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,160 Speaker 1: and so it seems like that would be of are 107 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 1: uniting peace to any family system, you know, to have 108 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 1: this thing that you all do together and kind of 109 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 1: especially when you get really competitive. I know, it's a 110 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: lot of time and and energy that you put in stuff. 111 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 1: So I assume you guys were together a lot, um 112 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,840 Speaker 1: And then I read about your parents getting divorced, though, 113 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 1: So at what point in your life, Like, did you 114 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:23,040 Speaker 1: guys see that coming. Was that a factor mixed into 115 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: your upbringing or was it kind of a shock when 116 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 1: your parents announced they were getting divorced? Yeah, I know 117 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,279 Speaker 1: it was. It was pretty constant um. I think like 118 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,600 Speaker 1: looking back, we just kind of always knew that my 119 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,720 Speaker 1: parents weren't necessarily right for each other, but um, just 120 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: going through the process of having a family, they were 121 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: just like most families are, trying to make it work 122 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,599 Speaker 1: and trying to make it work for us and just 123 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 1: trying to make the most natural family environment UM and 124 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,680 Speaker 1: trying as far as it could not put down that road, 125 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: but ultimately led to um what was expected. Like I said, 126 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 1: we all kind of knew, like there was a lot 127 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 1: of fighting, a lot of like fighting just arguments, a 128 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: lot of like disagreeing, and just a lot of added 129 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,479 Speaker 1: stress just from our upbringing, like we weren't a very 130 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: wealthy family. Um, so we were living paycheck to paycheck 131 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 1: for the most part. My my dad was a blue 132 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: collar worker, did construction. Um we're just still does construction. Um. 133 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: So he was. He had really long days, really long 134 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: like manual labor type day. So he would come and 135 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:24,359 Speaker 1: be tired. And it's just naturally like we had a 136 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: lot on our plate. And then again you had just kids. 137 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: It's just a huge responsibility. So stress levels were always 138 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: pretty high. Um, emotional ups and downs like normal. But 139 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: I think just because we were at the added stress 140 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 1: of them not being the right fit and then also 141 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,720 Speaker 1: being a little bit on the means financially. Just there 142 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 1: was a lot of factors adding to the stress levels 143 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: and at times it was really hard to balance for 144 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,840 Speaker 1: everybody involved. Like I was just an emotional world coaster 145 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,040 Speaker 1: as a person. Like when I was a younger, my 146 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 1: mom went to my dad again, he he was he 147 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,920 Speaker 1: was I would say, the steady um energy in our 148 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: family just because like I said, you just didn't have 149 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,839 Speaker 1: it any like any any like extra energy laying around. 150 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: So he was just very neutral all the time. But um, 151 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: at times, it's just it just it was stressful. So, like, 152 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,760 Speaker 1: like I said, we were very dysfunctional at the family, 153 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 1: and a lot of like I guess, uh pointing fingers, 154 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,040 Speaker 1: And again, none of us were really good at like 155 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: addressing and understanding what what we were doing or what 156 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 1: we're feeling or what why I thinks are happening where 157 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 1: we just kind of like we're very reactive and that 158 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 1: leads to a lot of conflict. M But was it 159 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 1: one of those things? Because you know I've told you 160 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: a couple of times now, I watched the E three 161 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,440 Speaker 1: six d on ESPN. It's called Alive with Drew Robinson 162 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: and it it's such a good story. If you guys 163 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: know anything about that show, they do such a good 164 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:51,800 Speaker 1: job of telling people's stories, and they talked a lot 165 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:57,080 Speaker 1: about um just kind of presenting that picture perfect family 166 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: sort of thing, and I know that's something I'm from 167 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: the South, so that's what everyone does. And like what 168 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,880 Speaker 1: you're describing as this dysfunctional family, Like, were you even 169 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,720 Speaker 1: aware of that though, because it's like sort of behind 170 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 1: closed doors, maybe you're not talking about what's actually going 171 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 1: on the fighting and the reactivity is just like the 172 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: normal way of life. Yeah, I just think that's I 173 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 1: mean again, adversity and stress and all these things that 174 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 1: just are a part of life are going to happen 175 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 1: no matter how tighten it or however um just punctually 176 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,840 Speaker 1: are It's just it's just a part of life, right. 177 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: So but I think for us it was just always known, 178 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: like I said, even as a young kid. I mean, 179 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,199 Speaker 1: they separated once or twice before they get they got 180 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,560 Speaker 1: the initial divorce or the actual divorce. Um. So even 181 00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 1: as a young kid, I knew that there was like 182 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: a wedge in there somewhere, and I didn't I was 183 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,199 Speaker 1: so I think they got divorced when I was nine. 184 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,959 Speaker 1: But again or that even as a young kid, I 185 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: just I was aware that there was like some discomfort 186 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,720 Speaker 1: there and just like not on the same page. Um. 187 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: And I think the one thing that's a little bit 188 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: tricky you from what you mentioned is like we didn't 189 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: really we tried to keep behind closed doors obviously, but 190 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:05,960 Speaker 1: I think for the most part, a lot of people 191 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 1: outside of our immediate family knew that it was some 192 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,240 Speaker 1: struggle going on, and just like again, not people just 193 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,439 Speaker 1: not be on the same page and again pointing fingers 194 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 1: and saying and just a lot of like complaining, inventing 195 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: about each other. Um. So I think it was it 196 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,520 Speaker 1: was just like one of those things that were going 197 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: to happen. We kind of we're expecting it in a way. Um, 198 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 1: but it didn't take away that. It just it still 199 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 1: sucks because as a kid, especially like no one, like 200 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: you said, everyone wants to have that that that that 201 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: view of a perfect family, and we just didn't want 202 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: to happen. But at the same time, we kind of 203 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,439 Speaker 1: knew it was going to be happening eventually. So what 204 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: was that like for you? Because you mentioned you're a 205 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 1: little like emotionally all over the place, which I relate 206 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 1: to as a human I just because I'm a big feeler, 207 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 1: and so I think if you're not in environment where 208 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: that where you're actually taught to work through those things, 209 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: which most of us weren't, it can look a little insane. 210 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:05,320 Speaker 1: Um But did that did your parents divorced exacerbate that 211 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 1: for you? Or were do you like starting to stuff 212 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 1: your feelings because you were nine, so I'm imagining it's 213 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,160 Speaker 1: when you're starting to kind of pick up one, Oh 214 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 1: maybe this isn't okay to be like this. Yeah, it was. 215 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,440 Speaker 1: It was both of those options. Like I definitely tried 216 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,319 Speaker 1: to stuff it down, but at the same time, and 217 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 1: I didn't have any like actual techniques to rely on, 218 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,200 Speaker 1: so those things just they just came out, whether I 219 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: liked it or not, like try to act like they 220 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 1: didn't happen, or act like it wasn't as uncomfortable as 221 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,000 Speaker 1: it was. But then like I would go and slam 222 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,200 Speaker 1: my helmet or cry like every single time I got out, 223 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 1: or like I didn't go as as planned. I was 224 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: just like, oh my gosh, this is like I just 225 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,320 Speaker 1: was like my world was over so and then when 226 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 1: things were going well, I was on top of the world, 227 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 1: was like, oh this is great, so um. But at 228 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,480 Speaker 1: the same time, like we like you said as well, 229 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,680 Speaker 1: I I didn't want to. I didn't like the way 230 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: I was acting. And it's like at the time I 231 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 1: didn't have any control over so like things just like 232 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 1: I would just snap or like do things impulsively, and 233 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 1: then even as a young kid, I would go home 234 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,080 Speaker 1: and like, oh my god, how you're such a such 235 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,880 Speaker 1: a loser, like how EMPs. So like I just had 236 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 1: I that internal dialogue of like judgment was just like 237 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 1: starting and it just eventually got worse and worse. And 238 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:20,080 Speaker 1: it's just like a huge part of my um every 239 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: day where I just like it was constantly analyzing how 240 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 1: I was acting, how I was looking, how it was sound, 241 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 1: like all these things. Um, and it led to a 242 00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 1: lot of like like disappointment because my expectations were just 243 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,960 Speaker 1: through the roof because I naturally just wanted things to 244 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,120 Speaker 1: be perfect when as I'm realizing now, especially after intent, 245 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: like that's just that's still not gonna be the case. So, um, 246 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:47,240 Speaker 1: I was really emotional lower coaster. And again, like when 247 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,599 Speaker 1: things were going great, I was on top of the the 248 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: world and I was great to be around. But then 249 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,480 Speaker 1: when things weren't, so I was just like I was 250 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,240 Speaker 1: just an emotional wreck and it was probably pretty uncomfortable 251 00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:01,920 Speaker 1: to be around. Yeah. I have a really interesting relationship 252 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,440 Speaker 1: with my critical inner voice too, But it's it's interesting 253 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,440 Speaker 1: when you don't know that that exists. And like looking back, 254 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: I mean, you're talking about when you were a child 255 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,080 Speaker 1: nine and it was starting then, and I find like, 256 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,480 Speaker 1: did you find that when your parents got divorced or 257 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,840 Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I guess you threw yourself into baseball, 258 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 1: but was it getting worse? Um, because of a traumatizing 259 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: event like that or did it just were you just 260 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,440 Speaker 1: naturally inclined to be that way? Yeah, I think it 261 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,320 Speaker 1: was definitely culmination because at the same time, while it 262 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:34,959 Speaker 1: was like always coming out in baseball and social settings, um, 263 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,200 Speaker 1: I think it came because like again, because we didn't 264 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,720 Speaker 1: have like a very set um standard and our family, 265 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: like we just get very reactive, so when things weren't 266 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: going great, just naturally, Like again for a parent, any 267 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: parents having kids as a huge responsibility at times, it's 268 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: very challenging. And I knew I was like an emotional 269 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,880 Speaker 1: reck and I knew that I was kind of just 270 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 1: all over the place. Um, and I'm just that that 271 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 1: feeling of being an inconvenience to my family, to my parents, 272 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,960 Speaker 1: like I knew at times I was just like eventually 273 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 1: I thought that they didn't want me, Like I had 274 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,680 Speaker 1: these like crazy conversation with myself and convincing that I'm 275 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: not I'm not like I shouldn't be here or like 276 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,640 Speaker 1: I it would probably be better if I wasn't here. 277 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 1: Not not like in a suicidal way, but just like 278 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: eventually they wish they had this free time instead of 279 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 1: having to take me to my practice or having to 280 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,240 Speaker 1: like come down when I'm like having a freak out 281 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,679 Speaker 1: emotional session. And it's just like I had that, um, 282 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: the idea of being inconvenience starting like very early. And 283 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,160 Speaker 1: again this is me looking back. I wasn't aware of 284 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,560 Speaker 1: this at the moment. I just I was wearing my 285 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,200 Speaker 1: heart on my sleeve and just like whatever it was happening, 286 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 1: that's how I was going to act, um like compared 287 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 1: to that. And um, yeah, so like that that idea 288 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: of being inconvenience, which led to like a lot of 289 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: judgmental thinking and a lot of over analyzing myself internally, 290 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: came from that kind of like idea that maybe my 291 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,360 Speaker 1: family would have been better off if they didn't have 292 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 1: to like take care of you while being like four 293 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,320 Speaker 1: and while being having to be able to divorce and 294 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,839 Speaker 1: things like that. So I think that's where that that 295 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: concept kind of came from. Yeah, so your parents get 296 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,040 Speaker 1: divorced and then you really start to excel in baseball 297 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:17,959 Speaker 1: and you I know you mentioned your brother too, who 298 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: was also a really great baseball player. Um, but was 299 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 1: that something that you guys kind of kept going or 300 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:28,400 Speaker 1: did you throw yourself into that as the release? For sure, 301 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: we definitely, like baseball was just a very therapy thing 302 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 1: for a family. Um. I think it was that like 303 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,640 Speaker 1: no matter what happened, like they could feel proud, proud 304 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: that we were doing well and proud that we were playing. 305 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: And it's actually funny, I wasn't. I didn't really succeed 306 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 1: succeeded until I was like a junior in high school. 307 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,680 Speaker 1: I was a very late bloomer. So like even though 308 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: my travel ball team and I was younger little League, like, 309 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,160 Speaker 1: I wasn't really the the best player on the team. 310 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: I was like at times a backup. And then I 311 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,400 Speaker 1: was really small going to high school, so I didn't 312 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: really played my first two years of high school. Uh. 313 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: But yeah, like was definitely was like an escape for me, 314 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 1: and um, I didn't really really buy into it until 315 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: like high school pretty much. So like even my eighth 316 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: grade year, I remember I was like not fitting in 317 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 1: with my my team. Um I felt like I was 318 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 1: again because I was like such an emotional breath. Was 319 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 1: like I was. It was toughly coachous to deal with 320 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,840 Speaker 1: me at times and like sometimes like they're they're approached me, 321 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 1: like I didn't like because I can't blame them now, 322 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 1: looking back, because I was just like all over the place, 323 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: so like they their patients was moren thin by me. 324 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: So um, I didn't like I wasn't feeling I was 325 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: fitting in that much. And I remember telling my dad 326 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: to when I practice, I was like, I'm just not 327 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,480 Speaker 1: having fun anymore. So my dad was really cool ways, 328 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,280 Speaker 1: and it was really tough for him to hear that, 329 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 1: but he was like really supportive and allowed me to 330 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: like step away from baseball for a school year, and 331 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,600 Speaker 1: I like went and I did like BMX. I was 332 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,640 Speaker 1: just like always at the park riding bikes and stuff. 333 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,280 Speaker 1: And then just because my brother played would played baseball 334 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 1: the years before and his for his high school career. 335 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,520 Speaker 1: Almost I got to high school, I was just like, yeah, 336 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: I'm gonna pick back up high school. IM going to 337 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,120 Speaker 1: pick baseball back up up and didn't like skip a beat. 338 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 1: And then again because I was so smaller to really play. 339 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 1: And then I had a gross spurt after my sophomore 340 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 1: year and that's when baseball I really really bought into it. 341 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:15,280 Speaker 1: And luckily I did because it definitely worked out for me. Yeah, 342 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 1: why do you love baseball? How much time you got? 343 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 1: I mean, I just I love it for so many 344 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 1: different reasons, and it's definitely each of those reasons have 345 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 1: been stronger different times in my life. But I think 346 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 1: like the overall ideas, like it's just that natural competition 347 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 1: energy that you get to, like you go out and 348 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: just try to be your best, and you try to 349 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: do well, and you do well, it's a very up 350 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,280 Speaker 1: It's just it's just that a huge adrenaline rush. So 351 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,360 Speaker 1: it feels great too to succeed. It feels great to 352 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 1: get the praise from your peers. And then that's the 353 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 1: other thing too, Like I just I'm naturally like a 354 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: social person in social settings, even though when I come 355 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 1: home and I feel like I'm kind of an introvert. 356 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,960 Speaker 1: But um, the camaraderie part of baseball and like the 357 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,360 Speaker 1: relationships I've built in relationships I've gotten to experience, that's 358 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 1: like the thing I hold on to the most now, 359 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,320 Speaker 1: especially now that I'm done. Um, So I just love 360 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: the atmosphere too, Like it's it's naturally I feel like 361 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: a healthy environment or people are just you have to 362 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 1: kind of be the best version yourself. You have to train, 363 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 1: you have to practice, you have to like sacrifice a 364 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 1: lot of things. You have to deal with. You have 365 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:26,160 Speaker 1: to just try to be the best version which um 366 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:29,679 Speaker 1: and any any like aspect of the world. It's like 367 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: you have to do that by like sacrificing some things 368 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,560 Speaker 1: and committing yourself to a process that isn't always like 369 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,399 Speaker 1: clear or isn't always time, but then you get to 370 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,520 Speaker 1: get the end result of like having a good game 371 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 1: or having good season and then m living with all 372 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 1: that that that feel goods from that. You know, it 373 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,639 Speaker 1: was so interesting when I was looking at cliffs of 374 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,080 Speaker 1: you playing baseball. Um, you do a lot of really 375 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:56,920 Speaker 1: good stuff and that was amazing to watch. But then 376 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,160 Speaker 1: there would be cliffs of you running off the field 377 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,440 Speaker 1: when you would have an error or something, and like 378 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 1: the stuff you would say to yourself is so mean, 379 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:11,280 Speaker 1: like it would be it was so hardcore from what 380 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:15,040 Speaker 1: I was witnessing happening. And so when you talk when 381 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,880 Speaker 1: you talked about the how you get from when things 382 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,800 Speaker 1: go right, what does it feel like when you don't 383 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: when things don't go right? Yeah, And unfortunately for baseball players, 384 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,520 Speaker 1: like that's that really is like a very constant feeling 385 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,640 Speaker 1: because game like you just naturally don't succeed as much 386 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,920 Speaker 1: as you as you fail, So, um, it was tough 387 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: for me. Like I said, I just I didn't have 388 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,040 Speaker 1: anything to fall back on because everything I did was 389 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,639 Speaker 1: for baseball. So like my energy, my relationships, my life 390 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: depended on baseball's um success or failures. So I say 391 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 1: that in a way because it was like I don't 392 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,000 Speaker 1: think it's bad to like tie my identity up into 393 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,879 Speaker 1: a baseball player, but I also think it's important to 394 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,200 Speaker 1: have things outside of it that you believe in which 395 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 1: I don't necessarily have. So when things went wrong, like 396 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,879 Speaker 1: you like in that East sixty, it's crazy too because 397 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 1: I knew that I had the microphone on, but like 398 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,720 Speaker 1: I just blacked out when I didn't did back, like 399 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,960 Speaker 1: went back to my old self. Um, And it's also 400 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 1: crazy too because like that's a film, so like they 401 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,320 Speaker 1: took out the worst stuff, so like they this stuff 402 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,840 Speaker 1: that was like okay, and it's still just like when 403 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,879 Speaker 1: I watched it, like I get like my skin crawls 404 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,280 Speaker 1: and like I can't believe because that's like that's the idea, right, 405 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,119 Speaker 1: Like you never say the things you say to yourself 406 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 1: to another human being. It's like it's true and like comparatively, 407 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,879 Speaker 1: like I would never care as as much as I 408 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,600 Speaker 1: do when I when I watched other players make an 409 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,560 Speaker 1: error and watching other guys strike out, like I have 410 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,879 Speaker 1: the awareness like it's just part of the game, like 411 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:44,719 Speaker 1: we'll get them next time, But when I do it, 412 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,440 Speaker 1: it's like the most unacceptable thing. So it was it 413 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,639 Speaker 1: was really challenging for me to balance that, and I 414 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,480 Speaker 1: think it did a better job obviously after my incident. Um, 415 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,400 Speaker 1: but I still like had just those ingrained habits from 416 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: my entire life where I just felt like it was 417 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: on up well to make a mistake, which is the 418 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:06,159 Speaker 1: most unrealistic mindset, Yes, but I think it's one that 419 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 1: many of us can relate to. You know, the pressures 420 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:12,160 Speaker 1: we put on ourselves, to this perfection that you mentioned earlier, 421 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 1: and these unattainable goals. I mean, the things you've already 422 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,879 Speaker 1: accomplished in your life are amazing. But for me, I 423 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,480 Speaker 1: don't know if you're like this, but for me, it's 424 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 1: like people could say that all day and I'm going 425 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 1: to focus on the one thing I did wrong, and 426 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 1: and that was a lot of what I saw. And 427 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,440 Speaker 1: like when I read about your parents divorce, it was 428 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,720 Speaker 1: like you blamed yourself for that or what what what 429 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,440 Speaker 1: did I do? Which is a very common thing amongst 430 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 1: kids of divorce um. But then it's like interesting to 431 00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 1: watch how it just transpired in your life into this 432 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,399 Speaker 1: professional baseball career, which I've also read a lot about. 433 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,479 Speaker 1: And I'm really glad you're telling your story because I 434 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: don't think a lot of people understand the pressures that 435 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 1: professional athletes face. Like it seems like, oh, what a 436 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: glamorous gig you get to go play baseball all day, 437 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 1: But talk a little bit about what's actually really going 438 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 1: on in that world, because there's a lot more to 439 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: it than just showing up and like being good at baseball. 440 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,639 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I mean for the most part, it is, 441 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,360 Speaker 1: like I'm very especially when I'm done, then we'll look 442 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 1: back and be so much more appreciative than I was 443 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,080 Speaker 1: in the moment, because it is a great experience and 444 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,720 Speaker 1: great opportunity, but it is it comes with a lot 445 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,480 Speaker 1: of challenges and a lot of obstacles that you just 446 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: can't really prepare for. And that's the message too. It's 447 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 1: like with every kind of profession, if you're really getting 448 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: into it, there's just things you're not gonna be able 449 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,440 Speaker 1: to prepare for and not know it's going to be happening. 450 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,880 Speaker 1: And for baseball specific, it's like leaving home for eight 451 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,280 Speaker 1: months and having like an off day a month if 452 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:41,560 Speaker 1: if you're lucky, and like not having any free time 453 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,760 Speaker 1: not um like going to the to the park and 454 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,600 Speaker 1: physically working for like ten to twelve hours while also 455 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 1: trying to like be stable mentally, and then for the 456 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,879 Speaker 1: most part, you're paying to play until you get the 457 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 1: big leagues because they're not making any enough money to 458 00:21:56,359 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 1: live off of. Um And then like, yeah, yeah, the 459 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,239 Speaker 1: part of trying to everything is relying on performance, and 460 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,320 Speaker 1: then you have to have you have to add like 461 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,000 Speaker 1: trying to juggle like the outside part of it, like 462 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:13,200 Speaker 1: having family, having relationships, while like not getting any sleep 463 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,400 Speaker 1: because of travel because you don't have the downtime to relax. 464 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,840 Speaker 1: So um, there's just a lot of things that go 465 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,040 Speaker 1: into it that again you just really can't prepare for. 466 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:22,840 Speaker 1: And I had no idea. I had no idea what 467 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,159 Speaker 1: was going to be happening. And it's it's funny to 468 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 1: say that I hesitated because like I could have had 469 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,199 Speaker 1: a little bit of insight because when I first started, 470 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 1: my brother was playing professional baseball at the time, but 471 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: because we just naturally weren't like a very communicative type family. 472 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:37,760 Speaker 1: I didn't even ask him. I didn't like try to 473 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,200 Speaker 1: get inside, just like just like see that he's a 474 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,760 Speaker 1: professional based some player, Like, yeah, that's awesome, it's probably 475 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,840 Speaker 1: so great. I can't wait to see that myself. And 476 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: i'd even ask, like what it's like what to do? 477 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 1: And I don't think I would have changed anything, like 478 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: I would have asked and got the inside. I still 479 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,119 Speaker 1: would have done when I did. But yeah, there's definitely 480 00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: a lot of challenges that you have to like push 481 00:22:56,640 --> 00:23:00,159 Speaker 1: through and grind through to experience that that glamour, that 482 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,199 Speaker 1: the luxury side that everyone else sees. Which again, like 483 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,119 Speaker 1: if someone gave me the keys to go back and 484 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,000 Speaker 1: start over, and you can do the exact same way 485 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,480 Speaker 1: I would do it, But it doesn't mean like it 486 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:20,960 Speaker 1: wasn't ever like really difficult times attached well. And I 487 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,840 Speaker 1: always think about this. I have some friends who are 488 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: professional football players, and when I think of they went 489 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,880 Speaker 1: to college and then I went pro and you went 490 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,840 Speaker 1: right out of high school, and I'm like, oh my god, 491 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,919 Speaker 1: like this is like an eighteen year old. I think 492 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,959 Speaker 1: about myself at eighteen, and I'm like I didn't. I 493 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,240 Speaker 1: was still with my parents insurance, Like I didn't know 494 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: how to do anything, you know, And like college is 495 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,520 Speaker 1: such an um a really important time I think for 496 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,760 Speaker 1: us to grow up, and then also your twenties in general, 497 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,080 Speaker 1: Like I just don't even feel like I even had 498 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,800 Speaker 1: a hold on adult life to even start until I'm 499 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: your age now, you know, And like so it's so 500 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 1: interesting to think about you guys getting just thrown into 501 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,679 Speaker 1: this adult life, like managing bills and even the simple 502 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,879 Speaker 1: things that we as adult student now at that age 503 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: is a lot. Yeah, yeah, I mean I I think 504 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,360 Speaker 1: about myself at eight team two and just like like again, 505 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,199 Speaker 1: my skin calls, and I can't believe, like what I 506 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,119 Speaker 1: thought was important. I can't believe like people or what 507 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: I thought it was important, just like I do the 508 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,720 Speaker 1: same thing. So and then like you said, to add 509 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:28,120 Speaker 1: that m label as a professional um, Like it's really 510 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,920 Speaker 1: crazy to think about, but it's it's such a normal 511 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: thing in baseball because so many people do it. Um. 512 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,240 Speaker 1: But yeah, it's it's just tough to go into something 513 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,560 Speaker 1: with like again, that didn't prepare for Like I had 514 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 1: no education of like what money was, I had no 515 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 1: idea of like what it was like to like sign 516 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,720 Speaker 1: a lease for an apartment and then realizing the lease 517 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,640 Speaker 1: that I need was only to be for like fortified months, 518 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,439 Speaker 1: which is a huge headache, and then like all the 519 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,840 Speaker 1: bills on top of it, and again like all the 520 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:57,280 Speaker 1: other the logistics part of sports, and then again trying 521 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:02,160 Speaker 1: to balance like your family, your relationships or like all 522 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,760 Speaker 1: these things that are just a natural part of life, 523 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,680 Speaker 1: while like not having any time to do it, being 524 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 1: like e'shausted because basically you're just exerting yourself every day. 525 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,640 Speaker 1: So it's a it's a tough balance, but like I said, 526 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:18,520 Speaker 1: it's um it's something I would definitely do over. But 527 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,879 Speaker 1: if there's a way to keep some of the knowledge 528 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,359 Speaker 1: I have now going into it, I would like to 529 00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:25,840 Speaker 1: do that, because, like I said, that was just like 530 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,879 Speaker 1: every other eighteen year old, just like no clue what 531 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: I was doing with my life hindsight, right, It's always 532 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 1: you always think you could take it with you, but 533 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,200 Speaker 1: I guess that's not the way life works. Um. So 534 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 1: another thing of baseball is the minors to the majors, 535 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,760 Speaker 1: the minors to the majors, Like what was that like 536 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,840 Speaker 1: being brought up then sent back down and then brought 537 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,000 Speaker 1: up and sit back down, especially when you're already a 538 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:52,640 Speaker 1: person who's really focused on perfection. What did that feel like? Yeah, 539 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,119 Speaker 1: I kind of went back to the idea of just 540 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,720 Speaker 1: like not feeling good enough. Um, But that was kind 541 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,440 Speaker 1: of my mindset even before I got to the big 542 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,280 Speaker 1: leagues because as I took the longer, Like I played 543 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,639 Speaker 1: seven years at minor league ball before I got to 544 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,440 Speaker 1: the big league. So, um, there's definitely times in my career, 545 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 1: like two separate seasons in the minor leagues I was 546 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,479 Speaker 1: like the worst player statistically in that league. So like 547 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: I had the idea that, right, I had a thought that, 548 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,880 Speaker 1: like one, the fact that I'm still playing is kind 549 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: of like a gift, like someone's like in a charity case, 550 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,159 Speaker 1: so like someone's just doing me a favor. Um, like 551 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,680 Speaker 1: I should have been released a long time ago. Um, 552 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,239 Speaker 1: So when I got to the big leagues, like there 553 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,520 Speaker 1: was a part of me and I was like, I'm 554 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,760 Speaker 1: definitely just like this is more than what I was expecting, 555 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,440 Speaker 1: because for a while I thought I was just gonna 556 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:38,120 Speaker 1: get released. Um. While also having the like the conflict, 557 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,640 Speaker 1: the conflicting thought that like I feel like I'm better 558 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,400 Speaker 1: than a lot of people. I feel like I'm better 559 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:46,199 Speaker 1: than like statistically better than other people. I feel like 560 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,280 Speaker 1: I am not living up to my like I'm not 561 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,600 Speaker 1: playing my potential. So there's always like that conflicting thing 562 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,359 Speaker 1: like I want to like I want to try to 563 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,719 Speaker 1: tap the my potential, but I should have been released, 564 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,920 Speaker 1: so like be grateful that you're still here. And then 565 00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 1: like it was just never in the middle. It was 566 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,639 Speaker 1: always like the two extremes um so being sent up 567 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,919 Speaker 1: and sent down. Like I definitely got that that taste 568 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: of just like it was. It was all internally. I 569 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,919 Speaker 1: had no reason to think this, but like I just 570 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,240 Speaker 1: thought that, like they are just calling me up because 571 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 1: they need a body, and like I'm I have the 572 00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:17,640 Speaker 1: roster flexibility, Like if they had a choice, they would 573 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: get someone else, but I just like I'm I'm the 574 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,160 Speaker 1: guy that they can take advantage of right now. Um 575 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,840 Speaker 1: from a roster flexibility standpoint, So, um, there's a lot 576 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,720 Speaker 1: that goes into that. But I also just kind of 577 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,399 Speaker 1: embraced it because when I was coming with minor leagues, 578 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: before I got a taste of that, I was watching 579 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,680 Speaker 1: it happened to other players, so it's just like that's 580 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,359 Speaker 1: just kind of how it happens. That's just regular. But again, 581 00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 1: once it starts happening to me, Um, I didn't have 582 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:45,080 Speaker 1: like really a fallback thing to like talk about it, 583 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: because I also had this idea that I needed it 584 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: to portray everyone that I had everything all figured out 585 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,280 Speaker 1: and under control, when really inside I was always a 586 00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: spiraling Yeah. I read somewhere that you at some point 587 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,600 Speaker 1: started therapy, and even in like the self help books 588 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,959 Speaker 1: you were reading, you were you were like looking at 589 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,520 Speaker 1: that as look how far I have to go, Like 590 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 1: it's like you really couldn't win against yourself. Ever. Yeah, 591 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 1: I mean that that voice of like not being good 592 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,600 Speaker 1: enough or not being to where I think I should 593 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 1: be was just relentless. Um. And again, it's just like 594 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,879 Speaker 1: it's a very heavy thing to carry around times because 595 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:25,680 Speaker 1: like even when I was had moments of like pure joy, 596 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,719 Speaker 1: like exciting or whatever, like having fun hanging out with 597 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 1: friends or having success in them, feel like I generally 598 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 1: felt those things. But then I go and like, well, 599 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,000 Speaker 1: maybe I could have done better, or like maybe, um, 600 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 1: if I was as good as Mike Trout, it would 601 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:40,840 Speaker 1: be better. So like even when I was doing well, 602 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: I still had like a little bit of a voice 603 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,520 Speaker 1: in my head that still wasn't good enough. So it 604 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,360 Speaker 1: was just it was just like challenging is again it's 605 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 1: a it's a very heavy weight because again, anyone, anyone 606 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,840 Speaker 1: who's like honest with themselves and honest with the people 607 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: around them will say, like, I'm doing my best, but 608 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,920 Speaker 1: I really don't know exactly what's going on, or like 609 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 1: I don't know exactly, I'm just trying my best, and 610 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,000 Speaker 1: like I have a pretty good handle on this specific 611 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,400 Speaker 1: part of my life, Like I'm still just trying to 612 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 1: like figure it out. So the idea for me trying 613 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:16,080 Speaker 1: to portray like nothing bothers me, I'm always happy or whatever. 614 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,120 Speaker 1: It's just it was a weight that it wasn't easy 615 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,960 Speaker 1: to carry around. And at times, I guess it felt easy, 616 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 1: but um also there were times where I go home 617 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: I just like really really spiraling because I just I 618 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: wouldn't let myself um when like you said, yeah, or 619 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:36,320 Speaker 1: it's that voice, like, uh, do you have that voice 620 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:38,720 Speaker 1: that it tells you you should have something figured out, 621 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 1: like something you've never done before. It's like you just 622 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 1: expect yourself to show up and know how to do it. Yeah, 623 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,040 Speaker 1: that's like one of my sayings, like the thing that 624 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,240 Speaker 1: I remind myself as much as I can, Like sometimes 625 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,200 Speaker 1: it doesn't feel it aennuine, but like how can I 626 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,200 Speaker 1: get mad at myself for not knowing something I don't know? 627 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,720 Speaker 1: You're just like I said, Like when I said was like, 628 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:59,680 Speaker 1: of course, like that's common sense reason Internally, it's like 629 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,520 Speaker 1: I get mad at myself or making a mistake trying 630 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,280 Speaker 1: something for the first time, and it's like how am 631 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 1: I supposed to know that? And I've never tried it before? 632 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,400 Speaker 1: It's like how am I mad at myself for knowing 633 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 1: not knowing something that I don't know? It's like it's 634 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: like kind of like it's like but sometimes like motion 635 00:30:17,240 --> 00:30:19,520 Speaker 1: of the feelings and chemicals in your body, like they 636 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:23,719 Speaker 1: don't really care about logic they like, but yeah, like 637 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,520 Speaker 1: with the self help books, like I was reading them 638 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:28,680 Speaker 1: and like listening to it insane amount of podcast on 639 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,680 Speaker 1: like mental health and just like self health and just 640 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 1: like anything. And again I just like took it as 641 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,840 Speaker 1: like if someone is actually able to live this way, 642 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,360 Speaker 1: that means I'm so far away and that is just 643 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:42,520 Speaker 1: like what am I even doing? And nowhere near that 644 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,320 Speaker 1: and that must that must be what like success looks like, 645 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 1: or that must be what like happiness feels like. And 646 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,600 Speaker 1: I just kind of got so like out of out 647 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,480 Speaker 1: of reality that like when I did have fun or 648 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 1: did like experience happiness, it was like, is that really happiness? 649 00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,880 Speaker 1: Instead of like being real with myself and like accepting 650 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:03,280 Speaker 1: things to be the way they were, just like no, well, 651 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 1: this person said that happiness is this, and it's like, 652 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,720 Speaker 1: you know, like having a great morning with my routine, 653 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 1: or like going to have a great conversation or like 654 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,240 Speaker 1: a fun hanging out with some friends. That is that's okay. 655 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,640 Speaker 1: And again that sounds crazy, like the second guest, but 656 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 1: that's kind of what happened at that time in my 657 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:22,840 Speaker 1: life because at that time that's when really spiraling. So um, 658 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,160 Speaker 1: I just again, I just got so unrealistic with my 659 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:30,080 Speaker 1: thoughts and my expectations that eventually it just addaged that 660 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: weight that I was carrying around like unknowingly. Yeah, and 661 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:35,280 Speaker 1: you mentioned a little bit about the hard part about 662 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:39,200 Speaker 1: balancing such a demanding career, um, all the pressures that 663 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 1: come with baseball and then balancing that with like a 664 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,400 Speaker 1: personal life as well. And so when I was reading 665 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 1: about your relationship at the time. There was a lot 666 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:47,960 Speaker 1: of back and forth there too, and was that a 667 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:49,960 Speaker 1: lot of self doubt like is this what this is 668 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,320 Speaker 1: supposed to look like? Or this can't be right, or 669 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: I'm not good enough? Like what was what was playing 670 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:59,160 Speaker 1: out in the same way in your relationships? Yeah, I mean, 671 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:03,360 Speaker 1: for specifically to Diana, I just she is just like 672 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:06,920 Speaker 1: so patient and like so caring and so supportive, and 673 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:10,160 Speaker 1: at times like just naturally I wasn't able to do 674 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,479 Speaker 1: like I physically I wasn't able to be a supporter 675 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:15,960 Speaker 1: because I wasn't there because a longest relationship, so like 676 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,240 Speaker 1: at times out of weigh on me like oh my gosh, 677 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,640 Speaker 1: I can't even like help this, Like I'm not adding 678 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,320 Speaker 1: anything to the relationship. And it's like I get so 679 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,600 Speaker 1: mad and so like caught up in my successful failure. 680 00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:30,760 Speaker 1: Is that like I'm an inconvenience to be around when 681 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 1: things do go battle, and like she doesn't deserved that, 682 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 1: like she deserves to be with someone who's more stable. So, um, 683 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:38,880 Speaker 1: it definitely weighed on me. And like I said, I 684 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 1: just didn't have any like outlet And these are all 685 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,800 Speaker 1: these thoughts and feelings were always just held in like 686 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:47,080 Speaker 1: I never actually voiced any of these things. Anytime I 687 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,440 Speaker 1: talked a lot, it was just like the most surface 688 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,920 Speaker 1: level things and just like what I did that morning, 689 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,000 Speaker 1: or what I did that week, or like what I'm 690 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:56,440 Speaker 1: gonna do, or what what I think is funny at 691 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,800 Speaker 1: that moment, or like anything nice on social media is 692 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:02,880 Speaker 1: just like so superficial all that I don't voicing these things. 693 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,600 Speaker 1: And then as I'm realizing now, like more talk about 694 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,560 Speaker 1: these things. I want to help me realize I'm being 695 00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:10,400 Speaker 1: a little rational with my thoughts and feelings and to 696 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:14,240 Speaker 1: give someone else and better understanding of the way I 697 00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:18,120 Speaker 1: like think and feel things, which sometimes doesn't necessarily fair, 698 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:20,400 Speaker 1: but it's just like it creates a better level of 699 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 1: understanding for the people around me. Yeah, I mean, I 700 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 1: love that you mentioned earlier this stuff with your brother 701 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,400 Speaker 1: because it's so interesting to think about the fact that 702 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,520 Speaker 1: you guys never talked, because that actually might have been 703 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 1: helpful to him too, like to have a you know, 704 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,880 Speaker 1: the camaraderie of oh, my brother, we can bounce things 705 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 1: off of each other, or even just the empathy piece 706 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 1: that you guys could give each other as you're going 707 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,880 Speaker 1: through a similar life experience, um, but then to play 708 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:47,120 Speaker 1: out in your relationship. I mean, if you're completely shutting 709 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:49,720 Speaker 1: yourself off, the relationship typically ends. Right. So you ended 710 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,880 Speaker 1: an engagement with Diana that you mentioned, and that was 711 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,360 Speaker 1: sort of during this like spiral piece. Can you kind 712 00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: of tell us where your head was at when you 713 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:02,560 Speaker 1: were really just navigating that part of your life. Yeah, So, 714 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:05,720 Speaker 1: and to go back to my brother's thinking real quick, 715 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:08,160 Speaker 1: it's pretty it's kind of a funny story that. So 716 00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:10,279 Speaker 1: we were like in the off season, we would go 717 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:13,600 Speaker 1: back to our high school field and like are are 718 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,759 Speaker 1: all high school coach? Just because he was a great guy, 719 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:17,880 Speaker 1: and like we're really close with him. Um. And at 720 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,919 Speaker 1: time when we would go like separately and our high 721 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,680 Speaker 1: school coach would ask how's our brother doing, Like both 722 00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:25,359 Speaker 1: of us would be like, I don't know. And they 723 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,040 Speaker 1: kind of became over time where he was like he 724 00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:29,960 Speaker 1: started to ask a questions like, oh, I'm not actually 725 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:31,320 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna ask that. I know you have no 726 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,040 Speaker 1: idea what your brothers up too. So it was like 727 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:35,239 Speaker 1: again like looking back, it's kind of sad, but like 728 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:37,840 Speaker 1: we try to make it like it just kind of embraced, 729 00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,120 Speaker 1: like that's so yeah, that's just the way it is. 730 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: But you're right, like we could have it could have 731 00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:45,239 Speaker 1: really helped us, um, give us another outlet to talk 732 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 1: about something with someone that we trust. But yeah, with 733 00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:51,600 Speaker 1: the relationship with Diana, that was like calling up the engagement. 734 00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 1: I've been wording it as like the three main risk, 735 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:58,440 Speaker 1: the three main ingredients for a recipe of disaster, where 736 00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,760 Speaker 1: the first one is getting being my seizing any surgery 737 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,560 Speaker 1: and getting released by the Cardinals at the end of 738 00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:05,960 Speaker 1: the sways An nineteen season, and then all these things 739 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,160 Speaker 1: just kind of like compiling and compiling and trying to 740 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:10,719 Speaker 1: stings out the rug and all these all that and 741 00:35:10,719 --> 00:35:13,160 Speaker 1: that's when I went to therapy and I was I 742 00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:15,960 Speaker 1: were as like I was looking for help, but I 743 00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 1: wasn't asking for help. I was. I still wasn't open, 744 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: I still wasn't vulnerable because again I was I was 745 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 1: a huge part of the stigma, like talking about feelings 746 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:26,640 Speaker 1: as weakness, um, even even though I was a total 747 00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,640 Speaker 1: feeler and a total like emotional wreck at that time, 748 00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,399 Speaker 1: and like even though I was acting like I wasn't 749 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:35,359 Speaker 1: talking about it, I was like showing my emotions all 750 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:38,200 Speaker 1: the time. So like not talking about it didn't make 751 00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:40,640 Speaker 1: me any tougher or stronger, weak or whatever, So like 752 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,360 Speaker 1: I was a part of that stigma. UM. And then again, 753 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,319 Speaker 1: like just the idea of second guessing myself was in 754 00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:49,799 Speaker 1: the relationship UM at all times led me to calling 755 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:53,040 Speaker 1: off the engagement like a couple of days before I 756 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:57,840 Speaker 1: left for spring training of um and again, I just 757 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,879 Speaker 1: like I felt like I was ruining in Diana's life, 758 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,640 Speaker 1: like she's just an angel of a person, and like 759 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,319 Speaker 1: you when I feel like I was mistreating her, like 760 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,239 Speaker 1: she was just kind of bignal, like it's just like 761 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:10,759 Speaker 1: it's okay whatever. So she was really patient with me. 762 00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,160 Speaker 1: She was really able to adjust on the fly with 763 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,000 Speaker 1: like baseball stuff. So like she made my like that 764 00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:18,520 Speaker 1: part of the relationship as easy as possible, because that's 765 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:21,520 Speaker 1: a really challenging thing to like have a long disc relationship, 766 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:23,880 Speaker 1: having to fly to see me once or twice someone 767 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,640 Speaker 1: like all these things like financially for us, and then 768 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:28,400 Speaker 1: also like for her job, like she would have to 769 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:30,359 Speaker 1: take time off, like so she made it super easy 770 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,640 Speaker 1: for me. UM. And I just felt like I was 771 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,920 Speaker 1: just being super selfish, and I thought it was like 772 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:39,120 Speaker 1: I genuinely believe like she deserves to be with someone better, 773 00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: and she would probably enjoy being with someone better. So 774 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,080 Speaker 1: I called off the wedding a couple of days before 775 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:47,200 Speaker 1: I left Vegas to go to Arizona for spring training, 776 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:51,000 Speaker 1: and during that conversation was the first time that I 777 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:54,719 Speaker 1: had like voice that like I have actually thought about 778 00:36:54,760 --> 00:37:00,320 Speaker 1: suicide before, and it was like the culmination, like I 779 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,000 Speaker 1: didn't think about it before, and I was again part 780 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,279 Speaker 1: of the stigma where like a year before, someone to 781 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,280 Speaker 1: ask about suicide would have said, it's the most selfish 782 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,759 Speaker 1: thing ever. But again it's because I just didn't have 783 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,760 Speaker 1: the the education and the awareness about like the severity 784 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:18,279 Speaker 1: of depression and mental disorders. Um So, going to a 785 00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:20,320 Speaker 1: couple of days later, when I started the drive to Arizona, 786 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 1: that's when I was driving, and I was just sitting 787 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:24,239 Speaker 1: there in my truck, driving by myself, and that's when 788 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,600 Speaker 1: I really thought like maybe, like I really had my 789 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,359 Speaker 1: first like full suicidal thought, and I was just like, 790 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 1: oh my gosh. It was like I was aware of 791 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:34,719 Speaker 1: what I was thinking, but I was like, no, I 792 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:36,359 Speaker 1: just it would just be better. It would just be 793 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,080 Speaker 1: better for everyone if I wasn't here, would be easier 794 00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:40,800 Speaker 1: for me, I wouldn't ever feel this feeling. I wouldn't 795 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,600 Speaker 1: have to ever feel it again. And that's when I 796 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:45,360 Speaker 1: actually started like the ideation part of it where I 797 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:47,719 Speaker 1: was actually thinking like how I could do it where 798 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:51,080 Speaker 1: like all those things. So it was just like again 799 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:54,360 Speaker 1: at the time, I was again part of the stigmas, 800 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:56,520 Speaker 1: like I felt like I was being selfish. I felt 801 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,200 Speaker 1: like I was just being irrashed. I was like judging myself, 802 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,480 Speaker 1: like how can you think that? A like? But again 803 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:05,279 Speaker 1: I was just hurting so badly and not telling anybody so. 804 00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,160 Speaker 1: And again I was seeing a therapist at that time, 805 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:09,919 Speaker 1: and I never told her that I was thinking these 806 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:12,600 Speaker 1: things are feeling like this serious. Um. So I get 807 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:15,520 Speaker 1: to spring training and get back to baseball environment, and 808 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,479 Speaker 1: that was the first time like in baseball, I didn't 809 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 1: really like it didn't fully take my mind off of 810 00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:24,440 Speaker 1: like my internal battle like every time before, like I 811 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,960 Speaker 1: was able to go to the field and bring out 812 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,280 Speaker 1: like my natural self and like enjoy being around my teammates, 813 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,719 Speaker 1: enjoy like doing the work. But at that time, that 814 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:33,200 Speaker 1: that's spring training. That was the first time I was 815 00:38:33,239 --> 00:38:36,719 Speaker 1: actually thinking about things in the environment and baseball. So 816 00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:38,240 Speaker 1: like I would be on the field and think about, 817 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:40,840 Speaker 1: like be thinking about Diana. I'd be thinking about like 818 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:44,280 Speaker 1: how I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life, um, 819 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,480 Speaker 1: because no one's gonna want to deal with my problems 820 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:49,000 Speaker 1: and stuff. So I was thinking about these things in 821 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:53,880 Speaker 1: baseball and then um, it's really like it's uncomfortable for 822 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,040 Speaker 1: me to say, but it's such a part of the 823 00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,760 Speaker 1: story that like during spring training when I was in Arizona, 824 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:01,640 Speaker 1: I actually went to a gun range two separate times 825 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,840 Speaker 1: to learn how to use it a gun because I 826 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,200 Speaker 1: didn't know I really do that. So, like again, I 827 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:09,840 Speaker 1: was like a slowly built up like a a like 828 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,480 Speaker 1: a very thought out plan, which is just it's crazy 829 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:15,040 Speaker 1: for me to think about because one of where I'm 830 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,880 Speaker 1: at now, but um, getting to that point, it's just 831 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:21,320 Speaker 1: like so extreme and the fact that I was so afraid, 832 00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,120 Speaker 1: And that's why I'm like so proud of other athletes 833 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:25,480 Speaker 1: I don't know and other people that I don't know 834 00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:27,239 Speaker 1: that are able to voice season because I know how 835 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:30,320 Speaker 1: scary it is to think about telling that someone. Because 836 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,719 Speaker 1: also in spring training, the Giants have a team psychologist 837 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:36,160 Speaker 1: that I was reaching out to a couple of times 838 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:38,360 Speaker 1: and this is right in the thick of it of 839 00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:41,319 Speaker 1: this the suicide at suicide aviation, and I still wasn't 840 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:44,480 Speaker 1: able to say because I was terrified. I was terrified, Judge, 841 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:47,200 Speaker 1: I was terrified being misunderstood. And then you add the 842 00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:50,279 Speaker 1: pandemic shotting the world down, so that was like the 843 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,719 Speaker 1: third ingredient. UM. And I get forced back to go 844 00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 1: back to leave Arizona and drive back to Vegas and 845 00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,439 Speaker 1: really like the tipping point, not the tipping point, because 846 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,359 Speaker 1: there's a couple of tipping points, I guess, but like, 847 00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:05,000 Speaker 1: I'll just never forget the moment I walked into my 848 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:07,319 Speaker 1: house and just because I bought the house a couple 849 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:09,600 Speaker 1: of years earlier, so all I knew it was me, 850 00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:12,400 Speaker 1: Diana and our dogs. And I'll just never forget that 851 00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:14,600 Speaker 1: how quiet it was when I walked in, and I 852 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:18,560 Speaker 1: didn't hear our dogs footsteps running after me, didn't hear Diana. 853 00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:20,840 Speaker 1: It's just it was black. It was because at the 854 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,120 Speaker 1: night time it's just dead quiet, and I remember thinking like, 855 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:25,960 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is horrible. UM. And then I 856 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 1: walked a couple of feet farther and at that time 857 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:31,080 Speaker 1: that's when like toilet paper and supplies were tough to get, 858 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:33,640 Speaker 1: and even after what I just did a Diana, she 859 00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 1: like put together a care basket for me for my 860 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,160 Speaker 1: first couple of days home, and I was just like, 861 00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:39,840 Speaker 1: why is she so nice to me? Why is she 862 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:42,040 Speaker 1: so good to me? And just like and then for 863 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:44,480 Speaker 1: the next month, I was just again like because I 864 00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:46,920 Speaker 1: was everyone was quarantining. I was just sitting in my 865 00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:49,200 Speaker 1: house by myself. And at that time I was taking 866 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,560 Speaker 1: it very serious because baseball wasn't fully shut down yet, 867 00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:53,920 Speaker 1: We're trying to get it figured out. UM, So I 868 00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:55,239 Speaker 1: was like, I'm not gonna be the guy that gets 869 00:40:55,239 --> 00:40:58,080 Speaker 1: baseball completely shut down, so I'm really going to be 870 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:02,160 Speaker 1: stripped with this UM. And that's just led to like, 871 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:05,439 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I was forced to isolate, like the prototypical 872 00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:09,920 Speaker 1: red flag of depression. I was just like just drowning 873 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,040 Speaker 1: my thoughts, like literally and figuratively because at that time 874 00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:15,640 Speaker 1: I was also um drinking a lot more than I 875 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:19,120 Speaker 1: normally did UM. And again, those three ingredients were just 876 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:28,720 Speaker 1: the rest before the horse decision of my life. Yeah, 877 00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,200 Speaker 1: I mean the mentioning of the isolation. I think that's 878 00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:34,600 Speaker 1: why we've seen such a rise in mental health being 879 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,680 Speaker 1: talked about so much because so many of us felt 880 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:41,719 Speaker 1: the effects of that isolation. And I love how much 881 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,960 Speaker 1: you're mentioning that you just weren't talking about this, like 882 00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 1: the fact that you just felt so much shame and 883 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,840 Speaker 1: maybe not even able to talk about it with yourself, 884 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,959 Speaker 1: that you're going to this gun ranger, you're doing these things. 885 00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,000 Speaker 1: I wrote this down when I was prepping for this, 886 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:57,960 Speaker 1: but I said, um, I'm a big proponent of this. 887 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,320 Speaker 1: The importance of talking about hard thing is if we 888 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,960 Speaker 1: don't address the feelings that don't go away, they just 889 00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:05,800 Speaker 1: go somewhere else. So it can look like many different 890 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:10,400 Speaker 1: things for different people, addiction, anxiety, depression, anger, rage, and 891 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:13,719 Speaker 1: even suicide, which is obviously the most extreme form. But 892 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:17,640 Speaker 1: I think that we see that so much and we 893 00:42:17,719 --> 00:42:19,560 Speaker 1: don't even realize it, Like we're just like, oh, that 894 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:21,680 Speaker 1: guy's a dick, you know, or he's an asshole, or 895 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:26,279 Speaker 1: why is he um so emotionally volatile, and it's like, 896 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:29,840 Speaker 1: what's actually going on and why aren't we talking about 897 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:33,840 Speaker 1: that piece of this? Yeah, that's that's something that I 898 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:36,640 Speaker 1: talk about now, Like any kind of like talks I do, 899 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,880 Speaker 1: or you can get your views like it's going to 900 00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:41,080 Speaker 1: come out whether you like or not, in some kind 901 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:43,040 Speaker 1: of like the way you say just go somewhere else. 902 00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:45,640 Speaker 1: That's the exact same message. Is like no matter what 903 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,640 Speaker 1: is going like how once you try to hide it 904 00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:50,520 Speaker 1: or try to not talk about or not try to 905 00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,360 Speaker 1: process it or deal with it, like it's going to 906 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,880 Speaker 1: come out in some form. So like for me, just 907 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,959 Speaker 1: like anger and your ability, um, honestly drinking at times, 908 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,960 Speaker 1: I never had a problem, but like I definitely have 909 00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,600 Speaker 1: times was like thinking I could just go like take 910 00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:08,600 Speaker 1: the edge off and forget about life a little bit. Um, 911 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:10,239 Speaker 1: But like I said, it's gonna come. It's just it's 912 00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:13,640 Speaker 1: gonna come out some and some kind of characteristic and 913 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,080 Speaker 1: it's like really not really your character because it's just 914 00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:21,480 Speaker 1: like unhealed trauma, unhealed um thoughts or feelings that um 915 00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:24,480 Speaker 1: really play effect or really play a role on the 916 00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:27,520 Speaker 1: way that we do things. So um, that's why I 917 00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,960 Speaker 1: say talking because at times it's like for me, especially 918 00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:33,440 Speaker 1: because like you hear people talk about especially perform instant, 919 00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:36,279 Speaker 1: like people are talking all the time like mental side 920 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,120 Speaker 1: of baseball or mental side of life is just as 921 00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:41,240 Speaker 1: important physical and like you hear that, but for some reason, 922 00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:44,080 Speaker 1: Like I just had a misconception of what that actually was, 923 00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:45,960 Speaker 1: and I thought it just like this needed to be 924 00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:50,080 Speaker 1: like a very Buddha like zen like like you know, 925 00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,640 Speaker 1: like spiry, spiritual and like that's totally okay too, and 926 00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,400 Speaker 1: that is a huge part of certain people's journeys. But 927 00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:58,359 Speaker 1: like it's also just talking to a loved one. It's 928 00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:01,840 Speaker 1: also like getting a clear picture of what will have, 929 00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:04,080 Speaker 1: like of why you think the way you do, And 930 00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:06,040 Speaker 1: like that starts with just saying it out loud because 931 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:10,080 Speaker 1: that forces you to articulate things. Because like internally the 932 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:13,279 Speaker 1: most irrational thought and feeling can feel justified. But when 933 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:15,600 Speaker 1: you say it out loud, like physically say out loud, 934 00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:18,359 Speaker 1: sometimes you hear yourself and you're like, that's not what 935 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,759 Speaker 1: I'm that's not how I think about life, how I 936 00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:23,719 Speaker 1: feel about these things, that's that's not who I am. Um. 937 00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:26,120 Speaker 1: So that's another thing, like you can start to separate that, 938 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:29,920 Speaker 1: Like these thoughts are not a dictator of like they 939 00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:33,120 Speaker 1: don't dictate the person you are. It's just like I 940 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:35,480 Speaker 1: don't know, it's just it's getting it out is so 941 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,680 Speaker 1: healing for some reason. It's like literally getting a weight 942 00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,880 Speaker 1: off your chest. Because again, like when you try to 943 00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:45,080 Speaker 1: justify irrational thoughts internally, like everyone feels that pit in 944 00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,000 Speaker 1: their stomach or that that way in the chest, like 945 00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:49,399 Speaker 1: trying of hard time, having a hard time breathing um. 946 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,680 Speaker 1: And again that's just like unhealed things coming out in 947 00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:56,520 Speaker 1: uncomfortable ways because I'm just not willing to address it. 948 00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:58,960 Speaker 1: And that's why I think for me, and I think 949 00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,280 Speaker 1: it's something allowed people if it's from it's just simply 950 00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:03,520 Speaker 1: starting by talking and then that gets the ball rolling 951 00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:05,319 Speaker 1: of like, oh, that's all good to get that off 952 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,160 Speaker 1: my chest and I'm gonna talk about something else and 953 00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:10,200 Speaker 1: let me be honest that like I don't have it 954 00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:13,600 Speaker 1: figured out and I'm just trying my best, and like who, 955 00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:15,839 Speaker 1: like who can ask anything more of me? And it's 956 00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:19,120 Speaker 1: like it's a very freeing feeling. And like for me, 957 00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,120 Speaker 1: that's what I was able to experience after my incident 958 00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:22,839 Speaker 1: because I'm just like I don't care if we'll think, 959 00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:24,719 Speaker 1: for the first time in my life, I don't care 960 00:45:24,719 --> 00:45:26,920 Speaker 1: what I think. And then I actually got to experience 961 00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:31,000 Speaker 1: like actual like emotional freedom and I'm like able to 962 00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:34,960 Speaker 1: like promote vulnerability um so much. And I don't say 963 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,439 Speaker 1: that like it's always the right time to vulnerable. There's 964 00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:39,680 Speaker 1: it's gonna take life and taking place where you have 965 00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:42,160 Speaker 1: to tough out and grind it out. But again going 966 00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:43,600 Speaker 1: back to the idea of balance, that you need to 967 00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:47,680 Speaker 1: balance that with um, some vulnerability and some realness every 968 00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,359 Speaker 1: once in a while. I love that because it's like 969 00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:52,600 Speaker 1: I used to really live in the black and white, 970 00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:55,080 Speaker 1: like just the extremes like you were talking about, and 971 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:58,520 Speaker 1: I'm really finding that the best life for me is 972 00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:01,440 Speaker 1: living in the gray and just kind of somewhere in 973 00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:03,960 Speaker 1: the middle of both of those things, because neither one 974 00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:06,279 Speaker 1: is really true, right, And it's just like the more 975 00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:08,680 Speaker 1: I live in one or the other, I'm not living 976 00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:11,800 Speaker 1: in my true authentic self ever, um, and the and 977 00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:14,239 Speaker 1: the pressures I'm putting on myself are just insane, and 978 00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:16,759 Speaker 1: it's like just so unrealistic. I love the two that 979 00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:19,040 Speaker 1: you're mentioning that you were going to therapy and not 980 00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:22,560 Speaker 1: telling your therapist the truth, like I think so many 981 00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:25,560 Speaker 1: of us do that or have done that, and you're 982 00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:29,120 Speaker 1: scared to just share what's happening. And it's like, now 983 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:31,480 Speaker 1: that's the point, that's the whole point. And if you're 984 00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,600 Speaker 1: not going in and telling the truth, like you're not 985 00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:36,879 Speaker 1: going to reap the benefits either, right, Yeah, I mean 986 00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:40,040 Speaker 1: because I was just naturally so judgmental with myself and 987 00:46:40,120 --> 00:46:43,080 Speaker 1: unrealistic with myself. I thought that's how other people would 988 00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:45,520 Speaker 1: do me too, So like I was, I was just 989 00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:49,320 Speaker 1: terrified of being judge in the way of being understood. 990 00:46:50,239 --> 00:46:53,640 Speaker 1: Someone who plays professional baseball made two major leagues, like 991 00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:58,160 Speaker 1: achieved this childhood dream, um lives comfortably. At that time, 992 00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:01,920 Speaker 1: I was living company financially. I had supportive family and friends, 993 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,840 Speaker 1: although like my obviously my family dynamic was a little 994 00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:08,000 Speaker 1: like disrupted, but from the most part, like we not 995 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:09,920 Speaker 1: from the most part, like we still love each other, 996 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:12,520 Speaker 1: just from different it's just a little bit separated, but 997 00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:15,279 Speaker 1: we all still really love other. So who's gonna understand that? 998 00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:18,960 Speaker 1: With all those things going for me? I still want 999 00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,080 Speaker 1: at certain times just like I felt like crap about 1000 00:47:21,080 --> 00:47:23,240 Speaker 1: life and then eventually leads to me like not wanting 1001 00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:26,359 Speaker 1: to be like who's gonna understand that? And then now 1002 00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:30,000 Speaker 1: again looking back, like so many people understand that, Like 1003 00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:33,600 Speaker 1: so it's a natural thing to just not like the ideation, 1004 00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:36,080 Speaker 1: but like just the question of life, like who doesn't 1005 00:47:36,120 --> 00:47:38,799 Speaker 1: do that like who doesn't ask themselves what am I 1006 00:47:38,800 --> 00:47:41,080 Speaker 1: doing here? Or like what is really what? Like what's 1007 00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:43,120 Speaker 1: the bigger picture here? Is like this just a very 1008 00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:48,200 Speaker 1: natural thing? Um, And it's like for me, it sucks 1009 00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:50,400 Speaker 1: because I didn't. I wasn't I didn't have the courage 1010 00:47:50,440 --> 00:47:52,719 Speaker 1: to do it. Um. But like it's saying, like I said, 1011 00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,920 Speaker 1: that's why, like getting into this realm of the world. 1012 00:47:55,920 --> 00:47:59,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm just so moved by seeing like especially 1013 00:47:59,200 --> 00:48:01,520 Speaker 1: athletes who have like a lot on their plate, like 1014 00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:04,880 Speaker 1: having the courage to step aside for a second and 1015 00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:07,279 Speaker 1: like taking one step back to help them take ten 1016 00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:10,759 Speaker 1: steps forward. Like that's that's the that's the comparison or 1017 00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:14,279 Speaker 1: like that that's the thing that I think is such 1018 00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:17,880 Speaker 1: a big separat because like unless you're really in it, 1019 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:19,120 Speaker 1: and I don't think you need to be able to 1020 00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:20,600 Speaker 1: be I don't think you need you have to be 1021 00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:23,279 Speaker 1: right into it or have to experience it to understand that. 1022 00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:26,880 Speaker 1: Like people hurt, and like they hurt from things that 1023 00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:29,640 Speaker 1: don't feel like it should hurt them, but like it 1024 00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:32,000 Speaker 1: just happened. So like the whole going back to the 1025 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,200 Speaker 1: whole idea of empathy, it's like everyone is dealing with 1026 00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:37,160 Speaker 1: something like it's very simple. It doesn't you hear enough 1027 00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,120 Speaker 1: where people say like money doesn't buy happen. It's like 1028 00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:42,280 Speaker 1: you've you've heard that phrase enough to where it should 1029 00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:44,560 Speaker 1: be a better like a you should be you should 1030 00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:46,759 Speaker 1: be able to understand a little bit more. That's like yeah, 1031 00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,120 Speaker 1: like no matter what phase of life or no matter 1032 00:48:49,160 --> 00:48:52,759 Speaker 1: what you achieve, Like there's chemically we're all exactly the same. 1033 00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:55,400 Speaker 1: So like we all know what fear feels like, we 1034 00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,640 Speaker 1: all know what's self doubt feels like, we all know 1035 00:48:57,680 --> 00:49:00,960 Speaker 1: what like happening, Like we all have felt times and 1036 00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:03,239 Speaker 1: it just comes from a completely different stimuli. And it's 1037 00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:06,080 Speaker 1: like why would you ever And I say this like 1038 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:09,360 Speaker 1: maybe hypocritically because I still fall in this trap sometimes, 1039 00:49:09,360 --> 00:49:11,719 Speaker 1: like I still judge people at times where I still 1040 00:49:11,719 --> 00:49:14,040 Speaker 1: like try to figure things out more than they need 1041 00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:17,040 Speaker 1: to be. But like, how can we ever like say no, 1042 00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:19,440 Speaker 1: that's not that's not just like that person, how they 1043 00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:21,480 Speaker 1: should never be should they should be feeling that way? 1044 00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,160 Speaker 1: It's like what they do and that one how do 1045 00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:26,080 Speaker 1: we fix it or how do we help it? Not 1046 00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:28,520 Speaker 1: fix about how we help And that's the biggest thing, 1047 00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:31,040 Speaker 1: Like and That's why I like this stuff like feels 1048 00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:34,400 Speaker 1: me so much, because like I've gone to witness me 1049 00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:38,319 Speaker 1: just being my most like raw and like vulnerable and 1050 00:49:38,360 --> 00:49:41,160 Speaker 1: like not knowing what I'm doing self has somehow helped 1051 00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:44,640 Speaker 1: people like feel better and like feel more comfortable, and 1052 00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:47,560 Speaker 1: in hopes, I'm hoping that it helps people never get 1053 00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:50,560 Speaker 1: to a place that I got to in April sixteen. Well, 1054 00:49:50,600 --> 00:49:53,520 Speaker 1: let's talk a little bit about that day, because I 1055 00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:57,239 Speaker 1: do think that the path you're on now seems so 1056 00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,680 Speaker 1: much like your purpose and why you're here. But I 1057 00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:04,000 Speaker 1: want to know what happened that day, and I want 1058 00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:06,319 Speaker 1: when you tell the listeners, because I actually know because 1059 00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:09,960 Speaker 1: I watched the three sixty. But it is amazing that 1060 00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:13,000 Speaker 1: you are alive. I can't. I still cannot believe it. 1061 00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:18,920 Speaker 1: So talk us through April and April and tell us 1062 00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:22,600 Speaker 1: exactly what happened, but also what was happening in your 1063 00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:25,920 Speaker 1: mind during all of that. Yeah. Yeah, like you said, 1064 00:50:26,320 --> 00:50:29,719 Speaker 1: nothing about it makes sense like from Saint like scientifically 1065 00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:32,440 Speaker 1: or anatomically, I should not have made it through. I 1066 00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:36,040 Speaker 1: made it through. So um, it's just again, like when 1067 00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:39,040 Speaker 1: I think about that, it's obviously very heavy. But yeah, 1068 00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:41,359 Speaker 1: in April sixteenth, Like I said, I at that time, 1069 00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:44,440 Speaker 1: I have been in my quarantining for a little over 1070 00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:47,120 Speaker 1: a month. UM. During that time, I have actually bought 1071 00:50:47,200 --> 00:50:52,080 Speaker 1: myself my own gun um for this reason obviously, um, 1072 00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:54,120 Speaker 1: which is also kind of crazy to think about, because 1073 00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:57,400 Speaker 1: I was trying to like hide it so much that 1074 00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:00,080 Speaker 1: I like I told a couple of people that I 1075 00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:02,960 Speaker 1: bought a gun and I bought it for self defense reasons, 1076 00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:05,160 Speaker 1: like I that's what I got it for, so I 1077 00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:07,759 Speaker 1: have for but for some reason, I was trying to 1078 00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:11,000 Speaker 1: convince myself that I'm not doing this and like trying 1079 00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:13,200 Speaker 1: to portray people that I'm okay and that this is 1080 00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:15,799 Speaker 1: like the farthest thing from my mind really was the 1081 00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:18,480 Speaker 1: only thing like, so, um, I have bought a gun 1082 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:22,439 Speaker 1: on I got it on March thirty, so for two 1083 00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:25,040 Speaker 1: weeks I had it ready and I had it like 1084 00:51:25,600 --> 00:51:29,080 Speaker 1: a possibility obviously. So during that time, I was like 1085 00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:33,239 Speaker 1: slowly working on a note, trying my best to like again, 1086 00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:35,759 Speaker 1: I guess justified, even though I knew that that was 1087 00:51:35,800 --> 00:51:38,319 Speaker 1: not going to ever be done like this. Nothing could 1088 00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:40,920 Speaker 1: justify this decision. But I was just trying to explain 1089 00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:43,799 Speaker 1: and articulate as much as I could what was going 1090 00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:46,719 Speaker 1: on in my head for the people, because I knew 1091 00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:49,480 Speaker 1: it was gonna really affect my family and the people 1092 00:51:49,560 --> 00:51:53,560 Speaker 1: around me. So I was trying to find like I guess, 1093 00:51:53,719 --> 00:51:55,080 Speaker 1: I was just trying to make it as easy as 1094 00:51:55,120 --> 00:51:57,719 Speaker 1: possible on them, knowing that it wasn't gonna be the case. 1095 00:51:57,760 --> 00:52:00,880 Speaker 1: But I can take a little bit of I don't know, 1096 00:52:01,040 --> 00:52:03,400 Speaker 1: just comfort away and that's great. UM. So I was 1097 00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:05,279 Speaker 1: just trying to explain things in that note as much 1098 00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:07,759 Speaker 1: as I could. And then on the night before I 1099 00:52:07,760 --> 00:52:10,120 Speaker 1: realized like the note was in a place that I 1100 00:52:10,160 --> 00:52:14,040 Speaker 1: was like okay with um. And then a day before 1101 00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:16,839 Speaker 1: that or two days before that, in April thirteen, because 1102 00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:18,600 Speaker 1: during this whole time, I was missing my dogs a 1103 00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:21,279 Speaker 1: lot because like Diane took them during the breakup, so 1104 00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,360 Speaker 1: I was really alone, and I had even gotten a 1105 00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,560 Speaker 1: foster dog. I tried to help with like some some 1106 00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:30,520 Speaker 1: social interaction, UM I didn't work out. So on April 1107 00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,840 Speaker 1: thirteen that I went and like I told a breeder, 1108 00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:35,680 Speaker 1: I was gonna come buy a dog. And while I 1109 00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:37,640 Speaker 1: was there, like it was a great dog, like it 1110 00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:40,040 Speaker 1: was what I was wanting. UM. But while I was 1111 00:52:40,080 --> 00:52:41,799 Speaker 1: there is like when I actually made the decision, I 1112 00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:44,680 Speaker 1: was like, if I buy this and I actually do this, 1113 00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:47,640 Speaker 1: this three days or this eight week old puppies is 1114 00:52:47,719 --> 00:52:51,240 Speaker 1: gonna be left fend for itself and that's like so unfair. 1115 00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:54,160 Speaker 1: And it's also crazy thing about that, because like why 1116 00:52:54,239 --> 00:52:55,920 Speaker 1: was that the tipping point? Like I was gonna be 1117 00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:58,560 Speaker 1: doing that same thing to my family, but for some reason, 1118 00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,600 Speaker 1: it was unacceptable to this puppy. So I decided to 1119 00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:02,880 Speaker 1: not get the dog. And that's when I was like, dangs, 1120 00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:04,440 Speaker 1: So I really just decided I'm gonna do this. So 1121 00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,040 Speaker 1: for the next two days, I was writing the note 1122 00:53:06,080 --> 00:53:10,040 Speaker 1: like physically, um, and on April sixteenth, like I was, 1123 00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:12,279 Speaker 1: it was written, and I was like just sit and 1124 00:53:12,320 --> 00:53:16,320 Speaker 1: I was like, I mean, I've been planning this, so um, 1125 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:19,160 Speaker 1: this is where I want to do and the original 1126 00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:21,200 Speaker 1: plan was going to do it somewhere else outside of 1127 00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:23,239 Speaker 1: my house houseide, my neighborhood. So that way, when I 1128 00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:26,680 Speaker 1: was like missing and not responding and people started looking 1129 00:53:26,680 --> 00:53:28,880 Speaker 1: like maybe someone else can find me, so it's not 1130 00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:31,040 Speaker 1: like my family member has to actually find me, which 1131 00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:35,160 Speaker 1: is again just another traumatizing thing that I wanted to 1132 00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:37,520 Speaker 1: try to avoid. But I wasn't comfortable doing it in 1133 00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:39,719 Speaker 1: my truck, so I came home and around eight p m. 1134 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:43,719 Speaker 1: April sixteenth, I pulled the trigger and was That's when 1135 00:53:43,760 --> 00:53:46,440 Speaker 1: the confusion hit. I was just like, this isn't what 1136 00:53:46,480 --> 00:53:48,200 Speaker 1: I've seen this in the movie. He's like, how is this? 1137 00:53:48,440 --> 00:53:50,600 Speaker 1: How am I still seeing things? Like? Am I is 1138 00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:53,560 Speaker 1: this heaven? Or? I was like what does it take 1139 00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:56,200 Speaker 1: take some time? Like what happened? I wasn't a blank 1140 00:53:56,239 --> 00:53:58,440 Speaker 1: around and then I started feeling the blood. I was 1141 00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:00,799 Speaker 1: just like, what is going on? Like how am I 1142 00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:03,239 Speaker 1: still seeing things? How am I? How am I still here? 1143 00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:07,160 Speaker 1: How am I not in pain? Um? And then for 1144 00:54:07,239 --> 00:54:09,759 Speaker 1: the next like four hours that night, I was just 1145 00:54:10,719 --> 00:54:12,719 Speaker 1: I was as normal as you could possibly be in 1146 00:54:12,719 --> 00:54:15,799 Speaker 1: that in that in those circumstances like I was, I 1147 00:54:15,800 --> 00:54:18,759 Speaker 1: still hadn't felt pain yet. UM. I was laying down 1148 00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:20,960 Speaker 1: at certain times like just waiting for like every seconds 1149 00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:22,480 Speaker 1: like all it's gonna happen now, It's gonna happen. Now, 1150 00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:26,200 Speaker 1: It's gonna happen now, and it wasn't. Um and against 1151 00:54:26,239 --> 00:54:28,319 Speaker 1: I was just totally confused on what was happening and 1152 00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:32,040 Speaker 1: why it wasn't happening and what I should do, um so, 1153 00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:34,080 Speaker 1: and I was even during that time, I was thinking 1154 00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:36,400 Speaker 1: about my family to like get off the couch so 1155 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,560 Speaker 1: there's not as much of a stain so that way 1156 00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:41,440 Speaker 1: they can maybe sell his couch or use this couch 1157 00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:44,160 Speaker 1: or like I was totally aware, like I was still 1158 00:54:44,160 --> 00:54:47,600 Speaker 1: trying to make it as like it's again it's kind 1159 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:49,759 Speaker 1: of weird to think about, but as like easy if 1160 00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:51,279 Speaker 1: a clean up type thing. So I went on the 1161 00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:54,399 Speaker 1: floor that was um that wouldn't get stained. And then 1162 00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:56,520 Speaker 1: I tried. I tried. I tried to take a shower 1163 00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:00,040 Speaker 1: at one point, try to clean myself up. Um, I 1164 00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:02,319 Speaker 1: got disoriented for the first time, and that's when I 1165 00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,839 Speaker 1: had like my first like really hard fall. And then 1166 00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:08,160 Speaker 1: like I said, it got about like midnight, and I 1167 00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:11,160 Speaker 1: was like, okay, well I'm still here, so let me 1168 00:55:11,200 --> 00:55:14,680 Speaker 1: go just lay down somewhere and um, this will be it. 1169 00:55:15,040 --> 00:55:17,440 Speaker 1: And I lay down my bed like totally convinced that 1170 00:55:17,480 --> 00:55:20,440 Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna wake up the next day. And then somehow, 1171 00:55:20,520 --> 00:55:22,719 Speaker 1: like six seven hours later, I wake up and I 1172 00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:26,960 Speaker 1: see the sunlight. I'm like, what is going on? And 1173 00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,040 Speaker 1: and the next day that's when like the shock wore 1174 00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:31,400 Speaker 1: off and that's when like the pain finally hit and 1175 00:55:31,440 --> 00:55:33,880 Speaker 1: it's just like, again, the most level of pain. I 1176 00:55:33,880 --> 00:55:36,440 Speaker 1: didn't think anyone can actually feel while being alive. So 1177 00:55:37,040 --> 00:55:39,759 Speaker 1: it was really uncomfortable. And the craziest part about that 1178 00:55:39,840 --> 00:55:44,160 Speaker 1: day was, I mean, there's a lot of crazy things obviously, 1179 00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,719 Speaker 1: but one of the craziest, like more eerie things was 1180 00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:50,080 Speaker 1: that my around like nine or ten, my phone went 1181 00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:51,960 Speaker 1: off and I heard the noise and I just obviously 1182 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:54,239 Speaker 1: didn't think anything of it. But then like a couple 1183 00:55:54,320 --> 00:55:55,799 Speaker 1: like a half hour later, I started hearing like a 1184 00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:58,480 Speaker 1: really loud bang noise outside of my house, and I 1185 00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:00,879 Speaker 1: was like, hey, that sounds really close, Like it sounds 1186 00:56:00,920 --> 00:56:03,319 Speaker 1: like it's on my on my driveway or like right 1187 00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:05,680 Speaker 1: outside my house. You know what that is? Again, don't 1188 00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:07,560 Speaker 1: think any think of it. I'm like really struggling this time, 1189 00:56:07,680 --> 00:56:10,240 Speaker 1: Like I couldn't really stand up. It was really painful 1190 00:56:10,239 --> 00:56:12,840 Speaker 1: to move, so I just lay there what happened, And 1191 00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,799 Speaker 1: then a couple of hours go by, I finally start 1192 00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:17,880 Speaker 1: to like get out, get out of my bed and 1193 00:56:17,880 --> 00:56:19,719 Speaker 1: like try to walk around. I took a tailing on 1194 00:56:19,719 --> 00:56:23,719 Speaker 1: at one point, um I put mouthwash to try to 1195 00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:25,960 Speaker 1: get the taste of blood and like clean up a 1196 00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:28,520 Speaker 1: little bit again. I took a second shower the next day. 1197 00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:31,680 Speaker 1: Um so, it's again like with a hole going through 1198 00:56:31,680 --> 00:56:35,520 Speaker 1: my face. I was like thinking totally coherently and just 1199 00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,080 Speaker 1: kind of waiting and like, although it was in a 1200 00:56:37,120 --> 00:56:39,400 Speaker 1: lot of pain, um Like, I was able to kind 1201 00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:43,479 Speaker 1: of like think about things. So for the better half 1202 00:56:43,480 --> 00:56:46,200 Speaker 1: of the second day, I was just like thinking, Okay, 1203 00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:47,400 Speaker 1: I need to go try again. I need to go 1204 00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:49,600 Speaker 1: try again, Like I mean so much physical pain at 1205 00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:51,600 Speaker 1: this time, like I don't want to feel this either, 1206 00:56:52,080 --> 00:56:55,200 Speaker 1: along with all the other stuff that the original reason 1207 00:56:55,239 --> 00:56:57,160 Speaker 1: why I did it. Um So I was thinking about 1208 00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:59,640 Speaker 1: trying again, and then around men that are around noon, 1209 00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:02,400 Speaker 1: I was like in the bathroom again, I like I 1210 00:57:02,480 --> 00:57:04,640 Speaker 1: was really looking at myself and realized how messed up 1211 00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:07,960 Speaker 1: I was. And that's when the first thought of I'm 1212 00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:09,640 Speaker 1: not gonna be able to play baseball again because my 1213 00:57:09,640 --> 00:57:11,120 Speaker 1: eye was so messed up. And then I was like, 1214 00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:14,880 Speaker 1: wait a second, we're thinking about baseball, thinking about baseball, 1215 00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:17,760 Speaker 1: We're thinking about the future. Am I trying to survive now? 1216 00:57:17,880 --> 00:57:20,000 Speaker 1: Like so again, like my head is just spinning, like 1217 00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:22,600 Speaker 1: what is going on? So I eventually worked my way 1218 00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:25,560 Speaker 1: out to the living room again, grabbed my phone, and 1219 00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:29,000 Speaker 1: that's the eerie part was that message I went off 1220 00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:30,720 Speaker 1: with my dad asked him if he can come over 1221 00:57:30,720 --> 00:57:33,280 Speaker 1: because I have a little garage gym set up if 1222 00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:34,880 Speaker 1: you can come over and use my gym. So my 1223 00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:37,320 Speaker 1: dad was at my house working out during all this, 1224 00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:42,040 Speaker 1: fifty ft away from me in this setting, and like 1225 00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:45,959 Speaker 1: being like as a person is like not an overstepping person, 1226 00:57:46,040 --> 00:57:48,720 Speaker 1: Like he never would have came in without permission, but 1227 00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:51,640 Speaker 1: like if you would have, I just can't imagine what 1228 00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:55,160 Speaker 1: a father would have done in that moment um. So 1229 00:57:55,400 --> 00:57:56,960 Speaker 1: a couple of hours go by and again like I 1230 00:57:57,000 --> 00:57:59,520 Speaker 1: had that thought of thinking towards the future, sitting there 1231 00:57:59,560 --> 00:58:02,440 Speaker 1: with my phone finally and I'm like, okay, well think 1232 00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:04,280 Speaker 1: about the future? Should I call nine of one? Like 1233 00:58:04,360 --> 00:58:05,800 Speaker 1: is that what I'm supposed to do in the situation. 1234 00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:07,400 Speaker 1: So for the next three hours I just sat there 1235 00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:10,040 Speaker 1: contemplating which decision is gonna make. It made my way 1236 00:58:10,080 --> 00:58:13,160 Speaker 1: to my couch again, which is where I ultimately I 1237 00:58:13,200 --> 00:58:15,400 Speaker 1: did it the night before. So I had the gun 1238 00:58:15,440 --> 00:58:17,160 Speaker 1: again in my left hand and nine on one belt 1239 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:18,520 Speaker 1: in my right hand, and I was just sitting there 1240 00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:21,200 Speaker 1: staring at them for like ten and fifteen minutes, and 1241 00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:24,000 Speaker 1: luckily I chose nine on one. And it's something I 1242 00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:26,200 Speaker 1: didn't realize I was doing the moment, but looking back 1243 00:58:26,200 --> 00:58:28,560 Speaker 1: and things that reflect on it all the time now, 1244 00:58:28,600 --> 00:58:31,200 Speaker 1: I was like, I literally got to choose life. And 1245 00:58:31,240 --> 00:58:35,200 Speaker 1: it's like the most blunt and basic message that like, 1246 00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:38,160 Speaker 1: realistically everyone gets to choose they have they have a 1247 00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:41,320 Speaker 1: choice every day and they choose life every day. So 1248 00:58:41,360 --> 00:58:44,280 Speaker 1: it's like, I just can't believe the way it worked out, because, 1249 00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:46,800 Speaker 1: like I said, that was twenty hours after pulling the trigger, 1250 00:58:47,080 --> 00:58:49,200 Speaker 1: with the amount of blood loss, the amount of pain 1251 00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:52,000 Speaker 1: with it's just like I should not have made it 1252 00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:54,760 Speaker 1: through what I made through. And the ambulance gets there. 1253 00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:56,840 Speaker 1: A lot of cops get there because they didn't believe me, 1254 00:58:56,920 --> 00:59:00,360 Speaker 1: so they thought it was an ambush, like I call 1255 00:59:00,400 --> 00:59:01,640 Speaker 1: it on I want and said I shot myself in 1256 00:59:01,720 --> 00:59:04,440 Speaker 1: the head, can you come save me. I'm still alive 1257 00:59:04,600 --> 00:59:06,600 Speaker 1: I did last night, And they're like, let's no, that's 1258 00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:09,840 Speaker 1: not like so let's go make sure that this this 1259 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:11,919 Speaker 1: kid is not trying to like ambush. So they sound 1260 00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:14,920 Speaker 1: like twenty cops. They come in, guns blazing, like checking 1261 00:59:14,920 --> 00:59:17,320 Speaker 1: the whole place and like right here, I'm ready to go, 1262 00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:20,400 Speaker 1: come save me please, um so they give me to 1263 00:59:20,400 --> 00:59:23,840 Speaker 1: the hospital and it's really crazy just because it's it's 1264 00:59:23,880 --> 00:59:26,000 Speaker 1: so documented in the in the East sixty but like 1265 00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:29,960 Speaker 1: every single I have all the the body cam footage 1266 00:59:29,960 --> 00:59:33,520 Speaker 1: from the cops and over two hours worth the footage, 1267 00:59:33,600 --> 00:59:36,520 Speaker 1: and every single every single cop at some point having 1268 00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:39,320 Speaker 1: a conversation with another one like how is this person 1269 00:59:39,400 --> 00:59:42,520 Speaker 1: still They're like, yeah, all that blood is dried, like 1270 00:59:42,640 --> 00:59:45,960 Speaker 1: it's it's from the last night, Like how do you 1271 00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,560 Speaker 1: make through the night. It's so again, like so much 1272 00:59:48,560 --> 00:59:50,080 Speaker 1: of this is out of my hands, and it's just 1273 00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:52,440 Speaker 1: like I cannot believe I made it through that what 1274 00:59:52,520 --> 00:59:54,320 Speaker 1: I made it through, but also I can't do that 1275 00:59:54,400 --> 00:59:58,280 Speaker 1: came out of it with like like the like I 1276 00:59:58,280 --> 01:00:01,320 Speaker 1: said that the nothing to lose mental like I hate 1277 01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,800 Speaker 1: that it took what it took because I could have 1278 01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:06,040 Speaker 1: gotten this. I could have been doing this before without 1279 01:00:06,120 --> 01:00:09,120 Speaker 1: this this event. And that's like what I'm trying to 1280 01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:11,000 Speaker 1: do too, is like make people realize if I would 1281 01:00:11,000 --> 01:00:13,600 Speaker 1: have just talked about these things before and it took 1282 01:00:13,600 --> 01:00:16,240 Speaker 1: off this person of like camera people think so much 1283 01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,440 Speaker 1: and just not being my natural self, I would have 1284 01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:21,640 Speaker 1: been feeling this like genuine freedom and joy of life 1285 01:00:22,160 --> 01:00:26,960 Speaker 1: without having this horrible decision attached to my name. So um, 1286 01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:29,720 Speaker 1: because it's very normal to come out of attempt like 1287 01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:33,680 Speaker 1: that and be even more depressed because you quote unquote fail, 1288 01:00:33,720 --> 01:00:35,919 Speaker 1: Like I don't think that's the right term, but it's 1289 01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,200 Speaker 1: very normal to feel even more depressed because you're still 1290 01:00:38,240 --> 01:00:40,240 Speaker 1: here and people who are struggling in that in that 1291 01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:44,360 Speaker 1: with that extreme of an attempt, So um, I'm just 1292 01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:46,600 Speaker 1: like again, I try to like let go of the 1293 01:00:46,600 --> 01:00:48,800 Speaker 1: reins and just go along with the ride because life 1294 01:00:48,840 --> 01:00:51,919 Speaker 1: is taking me places that I never thought it would 1295 01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:54,720 Speaker 1: take be And like the fact that I'm actually talking 1296 01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:57,280 Speaker 1: out loud about this just in any kind of setting, 1297 01:00:57,360 --> 01:01:01,000 Speaker 1: but let alone like interviews and media and like hope 1298 01:01:01,040 --> 01:01:03,560 Speaker 1: speaking events, Like if someone had told me that three 1299 01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:05,600 Speaker 1: years ago, I would have literally laughed at them and said, 1300 01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:08,120 Speaker 1: there's no way I would do that. I can't even 1301 01:01:08,120 --> 01:01:10,760 Speaker 1: speak to a stranger for more than five minutes because 1302 01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:14,160 Speaker 1: it's so uncomfortable to me. So um, there's so many 1303 01:01:14,160 --> 01:01:16,520 Speaker 1: things about this story that doesn't make any sense on paper, 1304 01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:21,640 Speaker 1: And again, I am grateful for it all, but I'm clearly, 1305 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:26,040 Speaker 1: I'm I'm totally comfortable saying this pulpitive happened without UM 1306 01:01:26,080 --> 01:01:29,120 Speaker 1: doing what I did. So that's I want to try 1307 01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:31,800 Speaker 1: to do talk about these things as an example of 1308 01:01:31,840 --> 01:01:35,360 Speaker 1: what vulnerability can look like, and hopes that that's give 1309 01:01:35,440 --> 01:01:39,040 Speaker 1: someone like the the idea of what like mentsal health 1310 01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:41,440 Speaker 1: looks like, our healthcare looks like against like, oh, just 1311 01:01:41,480 --> 01:01:44,520 Speaker 1: talking and maybe I can avoid getting to where Drew 1312 01:01:44,560 --> 01:01:47,640 Speaker 1: got on at sixteenth and actually started appreciating things and 1313 01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:57,080 Speaker 1: not taking things from Brandon. Yeah, I mean, it's just 1314 01:01:57,520 --> 01:02:03,040 Speaker 1: so incredibly insane and I don't believe in coincidences when 1315 01:02:03,120 --> 01:02:06,600 Speaker 1: especially when they're this extreme. Like to me, this is like, well, yeah, 1316 01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:09,120 Speaker 1: of course you have a purpose here now, and like 1317 01:02:09,480 --> 01:02:12,480 Speaker 1: you can't deny that because look at what happened to you, 1318 01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:15,120 Speaker 1: like even your dad. The part about your dad is 1319 01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:18,360 Speaker 1: so interesting and maybe that message helps you make a decision. 1320 01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:20,760 Speaker 1: I don't know what was happening inside of your head, 1321 01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:23,840 Speaker 1: but the fact that he didn't come in you said, 1322 01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:26,320 Speaker 1: you said something where you said, um, what would a 1323 01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:28,520 Speaker 1: parent do? What he would have done is rush you 1324 01:02:28,560 --> 01:02:31,240 Speaker 1: to the hospital, I would assume, but that would have 1325 01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:34,680 Speaker 1: been his decision. To save your life, and you had 1326 01:02:34,720 --> 01:02:38,040 Speaker 1: to make the decision, and like not like any other part, 1327 01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:40,840 Speaker 1: this was easy for a parent, but him having that 1328 01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:44,919 Speaker 1: visual would have been just he would have never been 1329 01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:48,920 Speaker 1: he just would never been able to forget that. And 1330 01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:51,720 Speaker 1: because just my relations my dad's like my best friend, 1331 01:02:51,760 --> 01:02:54,520 Speaker 1: Like I love the guy to death, I cherished him, 1332 01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:58,720 Speaker 1: and I just couldn't imagine like having that visual in 1333 01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:03,120 Speaker 1: his head. Um for even though I'm doing better now, 1334 01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:07,560 Speaker 1: in a better place, right, a traumatizing experience for him. 1335 01:03:07,560 --> 01:03:11,200 Speaker 1: So um, but you're right, like, obviously I just have 1336 01:03:11,240 --> 01:03:14,800 Speaker 1: gotten saved a little bit quicker. But it's just again, 1337 01:03:14,840 --> 01:03:17,360 Speaker 1: it's just another part of that twenty hours that just 1338 01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:21,080 Speaker 1: doesn't make any sense. No, but I think there's something 1339 01:03:21,160 --> 01:03:23,280 Speaker 1: to the fact that you had to make the decision 1340 01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:26,320 Speaker 1: for yourself. Like, No, it's the same thing we were 1341 01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:28,760 Speaker 1: saying earlier, when it's like everyone could tell you how 1342 01:03:28,840 --> 01:03:31,160 Speaker 1: great all the things you're doing are, and if you're 1343 01:03:31,160 --> 01:03:33,160 Speaker 1: going to only focus on the one thing you messed up, 1344 01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:35,760 Speaker 1: that's something that has to be worked on inside of you, 1345 01:03:35,760 --> 01:03:38,720 Speaker 1: you know, and like you giving yourself that validation and 1346 01:03:38,760 --> 01:03:42,400 Speaker 1: that love, and like you decided to call instead of 1347 01:03:42,640 --> 01:03:44,960 Speaker 1: try it again, And to me, that was like your 1348 01:03:44,960 --> 01:03:47,520 Speaker 1: soul's decision of like, no, we're going to take this, 1349 01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:49,840 Speaker 1: we want to live and we're going to do something 1350 01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:52,479 Speaker 1: with it. And I just don't think you can deny 1351 01:03:52,560 --> 01:03:55,520 Speaker 1: there's a purpose to that. Yeah, it's really crazy that 1352 01:03:55,600 --> 01:03:58,040 Speaker 1: I've never thought of it in that in that way before. 1353 01:03:58,840 --> 01:04:02,000 Speaker 1: I've just been so like fixated. I'm just like I've 1354 01:04:02,080 --> 01:04:05,120 Speaker 1: survived a really crazy event, but I never thought about 1355 01:04:05,160 --> 01:04:07,800 Speaker 1: it in a perspective of like if someone else would 1356 01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:10,959 Speaker 1: have been able to make the decision, maybe it would 1357 01:04:10,960 --> 01:04:12,640 Speaker 1: have maybe things would have played out the same way. 1358 01:04:12,680 --> 01:04:16,240 Speaker 1: But like as I chose, maybe that fed into the 1359 01:04:16,280 --> 01:04:18,720 Speaker 1: idea that like I am getting to choose life every 1360 01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:21,560 Speaker 1: day now, and like although I still have really hard 1361 01:04:21,560 --> 01:04:23,960 Speaker 1: times and I still I have even gone through phases 1362 01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:27,680 Speaker 1: where I've had susil thoughts since it's really tough, but 1363 01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:31,040 Speaker 1: I have that now that you're now, that you just 1364 01:04:31,080 --> 01:04:32,800 Speaker 1: put in the words for me like that that's something 1365 01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:35,120 Speaker 1: that's kind of like the feeling that I have when 1366 01:04:35,120 --> 01:04:37,840 Speaker 1: I do have those thoughts. It's like, no, I chose 1367 01:04:37,880 --> 01:04:39,360 Speaker 1: to be here, Like let me just keep choosing to 1368 01:04:39,400 --> 01:04:44,160 Speaker 1: be here. Yeah, Well, I just it's the whole story 1369 01:04:44,240 --> 01:04:47,200 Speaker 1: is so amazing, and I think that what I'm loving 1370 01:04:47,240 --> 01:04:49,360 Speaker 1: so much now and when I watched the E three 1371 01:04:49,440 --> 01:04:53,480 Speaker 1: sixty was just the fact that you're you're making something 1372 01:04:53,520 --> 01:04:56,360 Speaker 1: that is so so incredibly difficult and was you know, 1373 01:04:56,440 --> 01:04:58,480 Speaker 1: I would I assume the most traumatic thing that's happened 1374 01:04:58,480 --> 01:05:01,520 Speaker 1: in your life, not normalized in a way of like 1375 01:05:01,520 --> 01:05:03,920 Speaker 1: you're encouraging people to do it, but normalized in like 1376 01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,360 Speaker 1: my life isn't perfect and that's okay, And I'm gonna 1377 01:05:06,400 --> 01:05:09,080 Speaker 1: show you guys what this is and what this looks 1378 01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:12,320 Speaker 1: like in hopes of helping other people not get there. 1379 01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:14,840 Speaker 1: And so let's talk a little bit about what drives 1380 01:05:14,880 --> 01:05:19,520 Speaker 1: you now, because um, I think that that using our 1381 01:05:19,560 --> 01:05:23,320 Speaker 1: pain um as the thing that can help other people 1382 01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:25,360 Speaker 1: is one of the most beautiful things that we can 1383 01:05:25,400 --> 01:05:27,360 Speaker 1: do in life. And so I see you doing that 1384 01:05:27,400 --> 01:05:30,040 Speaker 1: and I want to know more about that. Yeah, well, 1385 01:05:30,040 --> 01:05:31,480 Speaker 1: I think what you just said is really important to 1386 01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:36,080 Speaker 1: talk about too. Is that seeing it from other like 1387 01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:39,040 Speaker 1: visuals of how it can look so like not to 1388 01:05:39,040 --> 01:05:41,160 Speaker 1: too my own horn, but just because like I've been 1389 01:05:41,160 --> 01:05:45,760 Speaker 1: a successful person, like I'm physically gifted, I'm athletic, um, 1390 01:05:45,960 --> 01:05:49,920 Speaker 1: like I'm a good looking person, like like they can 1391 01:05:49,960 --> 01:05:52,200 Speaker 1: look this way too. So I think that's the that 1392 01:05:52,200 --> 01:05:57,920 Speaker 1: people have. It's like people that have serious things are serious. Uh, 1393 01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:03,080 Speaker 1: mentalist comfort, emotional unstableness is like just the that visually 1394 01:06:03,120 --> 01:06:05,040 Speaker 1: see like in moves of like the craziest talking to 1395 01:06:05,080 --> 01:06:08,840 Speaker 1: themselves and and like that is obviously one example, but 1396 01:06:08,880 --> 01:06:11,560 Speaker 1: there's everyone has something like that, Like you've touched on, 1397 01:06:11,600 --> 01:06:13,760 Speaker 1: like everyone is dealing with something and like it can 1398 01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:18,200 Speaker 1: be the most put together, most well respected, like highly 1399 01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:21,439 Speaker 1: functioning person in the world could be thinking about these things, 1400 01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,520 Speaker 1: and like it comes back to the quode, Like some 1401 01:06:23,560 --> 01:06:26,000 Speaker 1: of the most beautiful people have the ugly, ugliest thoughts 1402 01:06:26,040 --> 01:06:28,320 Speaker 1: at times. It's just like it's just a part of 1403 01:06:28,320 --> 01:06:31,240 Speaker 1: it and it can come from it. It happens to everybody. Again, 1404 01:06:31,240 --> 01:06:34,280 Speaker 1: you see so many examples of famous people who have 1405 01:06:34,440 --> 01:06:37,520 Speaker 1: achieved a lot of success and gone to a place 1406 01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:41,520 Speaker 1: that they're very free financially. Um, but they still make 1407 01:06:41,560 --> 01:06:44,760 Speaker 1: this decision and it's just like look so many different ways. 1408 01:06:44,840 --> 01:06:47,960 Speaker 1: So um, that's I think the most important thing is like, 1409 01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:50,280 Speaker 1: and that's why I feel so passionate about like getting 1410 01:06:50,280 --> 01:06:53,400 Speaker 1: out there and talking about my worst day of my 1411 01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:56,720 Speaker 1: life over and over. Um, I feel like the strength 1412 01:06:56,760 --> 01:06:58,640 Speaker 1: that I get from that and like the clarity that 1413 01:06:58,680 --> 01:07:01,640 Speaker 1: I get from that is because I know that it 1414 01:07:01,880 --> 01:07:04,920 Speaker 1: could possibly impact someone else and make someone else realize. 1415 01:07:05,120 --> 01:07:07,439 Speaker 1: And the more I talk about it, the more one 1416 01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:09,840 Speaker 1: for me, I get to get a clear understand myself. 1417 01:07:09,880 --> 01:07:13,000 Speaker 1: So I'm forced articulated. But also like if someone would 1418 01:07:13,080 --> 01:07:15,240 Speaker 1: talk to me in this way five years ago, maybe 1419 01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:16,760 Speaker 1: the way that they were the way that I was, 1420 01:07:16,840 --> 01:07:18,919 Speaker 1: I'm worrying it now, maybe it would have hit home 1421 01:07:18,960 --> 01:07:21,840 Speaker 1: with me like, oh, dang, I actually think about things 1422 01:07:21,840 --> 01:07:24,400 Speaker 1: that way or I feel that way sometimes I talked 1423 01:07:24,400 --> 01:07:26,800 Speaker 1: to myself that way sometimes. Is that what this can 1424 01:07:26,880 --> 01:07:28,840 Speaker 1: lead to? Let me Let me get ahead of this 1425 01:07:28,920 --> 01:07:32,280 Speaker 1: and think of it from a preventative way, like a 1426 01:07:32,320 --> 01:07:35,960 Speaker 1: maintenance preventative way instead of like an emergency crisis type way. 1427 01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:38,200 Speaker 1: And that's I think that's what kind of feels me now. 1428 01:07:38,240 --> 01:07:41,400 Speaker 1: Like I said earlier, I I just don't want anyone 1429 01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:42,960 Speaker 1: in the world to ever feel the way that felt 1430 01:07:43,040 --> 01:07:44,960 Speaker 1: unable sixteen. So if that takes me talking about my 1431 01:07:45,000 --> 01:07:47,240 Speaker 1: horse day, ever, it takes me talking about like some 1432 01:07:47,320 --> 01:07:51,360 Speaker 1: of the emotional conflicts I have to still today and 1433 01:07:51,480 --> 01:07:53,600 Speaker 1: how I've still deal with these these things every once 1434 01:07:53,640 --> 01:07:58,120 Speaker 1: in a while, or if it's just like, um well 1435 01:07:58,160 --> 01:07:59,400 Speaker 1: I was like I'm sorry, I just got lost a 1436 01:07:59,400 --> 01:08:02,040 Speaker 1: little bit. Um it just if that's what it takes, 1437 01:08:03,240 --> 01:08:06,360 Speaker 1: that fuels me. So I just think that there's so 1438 01:08:06,440 --> 01:08:09,120 Speaker 1: much to this because like I said, there's just there's 1439 01:08:09,160 --> 01:08:10,960 Speaker 1: no one way to go about these things. And it 1440 01:08:11,280 --> 01:08:13,720 Speaker 1: doesn't look one way, it doesn't like sound one way. 1441 01:08:13,760 --> 01:08:15,800 Speaker 1: It's like it comes out like we talked about, it 1442 01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:20,320 Speaker 1: comes out so many different different ways. So, um, my 1443 01:08:20,439 --> 01:08:22,840 Speaker 1: fuel is really just to try to help anyone in 1444 01:08:22,840 --> 01:08:24,920 Speaker 1: the world not feel the way that it is en able. Sixteen. 1445 01:08:25,720 --> 01:08:26,960 Speaker 1: Do you want to know the thing that I think 1446 01:08:27,000 --> 01:08:29,360 Speaker 1: is the most important thing that you're doing is saying 1447 01:08:29,400 --> 01:08:32,800 Speaker 1: that you still have those thoughts like I like, or 1448 01:08:32,840 --> 01:08:35,040 Speaker 1: that you don't have perfect days. Like I think that 1449 01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:38,439 Speaker 1: our society is finally getting to this place where we're 1450 01:08:38,479 --> 01:08:42,519 Speaker 1: like learning that you're gonna have bad days. Life isn't 1451 01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,479 Speaker 1: going to be perfect. You're going to do all this 1452 01:08:44,600 --> 01:08:47,599 Speaker 1: work and you're still going to have struggles in your 1453 01:08:47,640 --> 01:08:50,640 Speaker 1: head sometimes and like it's it's not this like I 1454 01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:52,960 Speaker 1: used to think that life was just okay. I have 1455 01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:55,800 Speaker 1: this big breakdown and then I'm gonna go get help 1456 01:08:55,800 --> 01:08:57,200 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna do all this work and then I'm 1457 01:08:57,200 --> 01:08:59,760 Speaker 1: gonna be fixed, and I'm gonna graduate, and I'm gonna 1458 01:08:59,800 --> 01:09:02,759 Speaker 1: move of on and like keep going upwards. And someone 1459 01:09:02,800 --> 01:09:04,960 Speaker 1: told me one time, like life is more like a corkscrew, 1460 01:09:05,120 --> 01:09:06,640 Speaker 1: you know, like you have really good days, but you 1461 01:09:06,720 --> 01:09:08,320 Speaker 1: also have some bad days, and then you have some 1462 01:09:08,320 --> 01:09:10,519 Speaker 1: good days and some bad days. And it's like what 1463 01:09:10,800 --> 01:09:13,000 Speaker 1: really I'm starting to learn that I think life is 1464 01:09:13,000 --> 01:09:17,280 Speaker 1: about is learning how to manage both. Like like I said, 1465 01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:19,040 Speaker 1: it's not the black and the whites, it's the gray. 1466 01:09:19,160 --> 01:09:21,280 Speaker 1: And it's like, Okay, well today is a great day. 1467 01:09:21,280 --> 01:09:23,080 Speaker 1: So I'm going to really embrace it because now I 1468 01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,360 Speaker 1: can feel joy in a way I've never felt before 1469 01:09:25,400 --> 01:09:27,840 Speaker 1: because I have been so low. Or when the bad 1470 01:09:27,920 --> 01:09:30,040 Speaker 1: days come, like what tools do I need to pick 1471 01:09:30,120 --> 01:09:32,800 Speaker 1: up so I can get through that day? So what 1472 01:09:32,880 --> 01:09:36,600 Speaker 1: are you doing in your journey now, because like it 1473 01:09:36,640 --> 01:09:39,360 Speaker 1: doesn't end right, like it's it's gonna be an ongoing 1474 01:09:39,400 --> 01:09:42,639 Speaker 1: process for the rest of your life probably, And that's 1475 01:09:42,720 --> 01:09:45,280 Speaker 1: that was like the most challenging thing when I had 1476 01:09:45,320 --> 01:09:49,080 Speaker 1: my first like real low phase after incident, because I 1477 01:09:49,160 --> 01:09:51,960 Speaker 1: was on top of the world from an emotional sample, 1478 01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:54,520 Speaker 1: because like I felt that freedom, I felt that genuine 1479 01:09:54,560 --> 01:09:58,160 Speaker 1: like gratitude for everything in my life and people in 1480 01:09:58,160 --> 01:10:00,559 Speaker 1: my life. And it lasted for a long time. And 1481 01:10:00,600 --> 01:10:05,080 Speaker 1: then around November or end of October that year, I 1482 01:10:05,240 --> 01:10:07,200 Speaker 1: had like a serious down again and I was just like, 1483 01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:09,320 Speaker 1: are you kidding me? So I went back to those 1484 01:10:09,320 --> 01:10:12,840 Speaker 1: thoughts of like how dare you like you? How like 1485 01:10:12,920 --> 01:10:15,840 Speaker 1: how ungrateful or how unappreciative can you possibly be? Like 1486 01:10:15,920 --> 01:10:19,160 Speaker 1: you survived this, and I saw basically I was trying 1487 01:10:19,200 --> 01:10:20,880 Speaker 1: to argue myself is that I'm never going to have 1488 01:10:20,920 --> 01:10:22,400 Speaker 1: a bad day into my life. And it was like 1489 01:10:23,040 --> 01:10:25,920 Speaker 1: at one point, at one point during my recovery process, 1490 01:10:25,960 --> 01:10:28,280 Speaker 1: I guess I thought that because when I was space 1491 01:10:28,360 --> 01:10:32,679 Speaker 1: with like some emotional conflict, I was like, dude, that's 1492 01:10:32,720 --> 01:10:36,280 Speaker 1: so unacceptable, Like how dare you think negatively? I'm like 1493 01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:39,559 Speaker 1: so so like again threw me first spend me because 1494 01:10:39,560 --> 01:10:41,080 Speaker 1: I was just like, well, I don't know, like I 1495 01:10:41,240 --> 01:10:43,720 Speaker 1: I don't feel good and it's just like I had 1496 01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:45,519 Speaker 1: no clue how to how to handle it. And like 1497 01:10:45,560 --> 01:10:47,439 Speaker 1: I said, at the first one, like really threw me 1498 01:10:47,479 --> 01:10:50,479 Speaker 1: off because I felt almost work. I wasn't just like 1499 01:10:50,479 --> 01:10:53,080 Speaker 1: sitting there appreciative, like I was doing a lot of work, 1500 01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:56,680 Speaker 1: Like I I committed to weekly therapy, committed to weekly psychiatry, 1501 01:10:56,680 --> 01:11:01,200 Speaker 1: work the community, like meditation, journaling, talking people, like selling 1502 01:11:01,200 --> 01:11:02,920 Speaker 1: someone how much I love them, and cared about like 1503 01:11:03,040 --> 01:11:06,320 Speaker 1: social connection, like deeper than just the surface level things. 1504 01:11:06,920 --> 01:11:08,479 Speaker 1: And then I still felt like crap, and I was 1505 01:11:08,520 --> 01:11:11,800 Speaker 1: like what is So I've gone through those spaces a 1506 01:11:11,800 --> 01:11:14,600 Speaker 1: couple of times and it's just like again sometimes like 1507 01:11:15,479 --> 01:11:18,880 Speaker 1: I've that voice gets a little bit unrealistic in my 1508 01:11:18,880 --> 01:11:20,880 Speaker 1: head where it's like I'm being a hypocrite. Now It's 1509 01:11:20,880 --> 01:11:23,040 Speaker 1: like no, I'm not. I'm just like like you said, 1510 01:11:23,080 --> 01:11:25,880 Speaker 1: I'm just experiencing life. And like no matter what you 1511 01:11:25,920 --> 01:11:27,800 Speaker 1: do or what you go through, no matter where you're at, 1512 01:11:28,080 --> 01:11:31,320 Speaker 1: like what you achieved, where you haven't achieved, like there's 1513 01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:33,599 Speaker 1: going to be discomfort, there's gonna be adversity, there's gonna 1514 01:11:33,600 --> 01:11:36,519 Speaker 1: be things that just don't feel right, and like the 1515 01:11:36,560 --> 01:11:38,639 Speaker 1: best way to handle that is just like head on 1516 01:11:38,840 --> 01:11:42,400 Speaker 1: and just like the way that you feel empowered by it. 1517 01:11:42,479 --> 01:11:45,000 Speaker 1: So and I say that also at times like a 1518 01:11:45,000 --> 01:11:47,559 Speaker 1: little I feel hypocritical because sometimes I don't have that 1519 01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:51,040 Speaker 1: that view, Like sometimes I really did like, no, life 1520 01:11:51,040 --> 01:11:53,519 Speaker 1: sucks Again, it's like, yeah, I wish I would and 1521 01:11:53,680 --> 01:11:57,000 Speaker 1: like to be candid like I there's been two separate 1522 01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:59,760 Speaker 1: times in my journey since Incent where I was like, 1523 01:11:59,840 --> 01:12:01,280 Speaker 1: I wish I wouldn't have called them a one. And 1524 01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:04,000 Speaker 1: it's just like it's crazy to think like that, obviously, 1525 01:12:04,080 --> 01:12:08,720 Speaker 1: but it's it's so normal, and it's like again, it's 1526 01:12:08,760 --> 01:12:10,840 Speaker 1: it's a normal thing to question things, and it's like 1527 01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:13,240 Speaker 1: it doesn't make you a better or worse person. It's 1528 01:12:13,240 --> 01:12:16,320 Speaker 1: just like we're all experiencing this like really challenging thing 1529 01:12:16,400 --> 01:12:20,439 Speaker 1: together and it's like why would we ever one? Why 1530 01:12:20,560 --> 01:12:22,000 Speaker 1: why do we talk to ourselves the way that we 1531 01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:23,920 Speaker 1: would never talk to someone else? And then too, why 1532 01:12:23,920 --> 01:12:27,080 Speaker 1: did we like judge someone else outside of us um 1533 01:12:27,240 --> 01:12:29,320 Speaker 1: thinking that they shouldn't be feeling the way they are 1534 01:12:29,320 --> 01:12:31,679 Speaker 1: because it's like you hear like quote too like don't 1535 01:12:31,720 --> 01:12:33,600 Speaker 1: feel bad like someone's always got worse and it's like, 1536 01:12:33,800 --> 01:12:35,439 Speaker 1: well that's the case, and I should never be happy 1537 01:12:35,439 --> 01:12:37,320 Speaker 1: because someone always has it better than me. So it's like, 1538 01:12:37,800 --> 01:12:40,439 Speaker 1: what we can't win again, what are you trying to 1539 01:12:40,439 --> 01:12:45,080 Speaker 1: convince me with. It's like it's an unrealistic thing to 1540 01:12:45,160 --> 01:12:48,200 Speaker 1: try to like invalidate our feelings. And it's like the 1541 01:12:48,280 --> 01:12:50,880 Speaker 1: more you accept them usually the quicker than either the 1542 01:12:50,960 --> 01:12:55,320 Speaker 1: discomforta will go away or the longer the good side laughs. 1543 01:12:55,400 --> 01:13:00,760 Speaker 1: So it's like, yes, nothing lasts good, nothing lasts forever 1544 01:13:00,840 --> 01:13:02,559 Speaker 1: good or bad. So like when I'm in those phases, 1545 01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:04,720 Speaker 1: like I, even though it doesn't feel super genuine, I 1546 01:13:04,720 --> 01:13:06,559 Speaker 1: still have that little hope in my back room mind 1547 01:13:06,600 --> 01:13:09,600 Speaker 1: like this isn't gonna last forever. And then in that 1548 01:13:09,680 --> 01:13:12,880 Speaker 1: bad place like that, that phrase is still resonates with 1549 01:13:12,880 --> 01:13:15,200 Speaker 1: me because it's like this is good, isn't gonna last forever, 1550 01:13:15,200 --> 01:13:17,760 Speaker 1: so let me appreciate it even more so than I 1551 01:13:17,760 --> 01:13:21,479 Speaker 1: would three years ago. So yeah, just kind of like 1552 01:13:21,479 --> 01:13:23,320 Speaker 1: like what you've mentioned, like living more in that mill 1553 01:13:23,439 --> 01:13:26,519 Speaker 1: place instead of always trying to like have control, have 1554 01:13:26,560 --> 01:13:30,880 Speaker 1: control of control, or like not control and likelcency. It's like, no, 1555 01:13:31,080 --> 01:13:33,200 Speaker 1: this is just like a balancing act that we're all 1556 01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:35,599 Speaker 1: just trying our best to do and at times we're 1557 01:13:35,600 --> 01:13:37,160 Speaker 1: going to be at the other end of the spectrum 1558 01:13:37,240 --> 01:13:40,400 Speaker 1: and we'll just have to deal with it. But um, 1559 01:13:40,439 --> 01:13:43,479 Speaker 1: it's always worth dealing with it instead of trying to 1560 01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:46,760 Speaker 1: end it, right, And what progress is it that you 1561 01:13:46,800 --> 01:13:49,840 Speaker 1: can actually now recognize those days right, Like it's like 1562 01:13:50,200 --> 01:13:53,160 Speaker 1: that's that's the victory is you're like, Okay, well here's 1563 01:13:53,200 --> 01:13:55,800 Speaker 1: that thought again, and you're seeing it like you used 1564 01:13:55,840 --> 01:13:58,040 Speaker 1: to do it and not even have awareness that you 1565 01:13:58,040 --> 01:14:00,240 Speaker 1: were talking to yourself that way. And so now you're, oh, 1566 01:14:00,240 --> 01:14:02,760 Speaker 1: I'm doing that or I'm feeling low and you have 1567 01:14:02,800 --> 01:14:05,280 Speaker 1: tools in place. And I think that that's the one 1568 01:14:05,320 --> 01:14:07,280 Speaker 1: thing I would want to communicate to people that are 1569 01:14:07,320 --> 01:14:10,320 Speaker 1: listening is just just because we're sitting here on this 1570 01:14:10,360 --> 01:14:12,960 Speaker 1: podcast and you're telling this story and it has so 1571 01:14:13,080 --> 01:14:17,000 Speaker 1: much hope in it and there's so much purpose behind it, 1572 01:14:17,040 --> 01:14:19,080 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're just like fixed, like we said, 1573 01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:21,519 Speaker 1: are you have it all figured out? Like you're still 1574 01:14:21,600 --> 01:14:24,000 Speaker 1: on the journey as well. And I think that's the 1575 01:14:24,040 --> 01:14:26,720 Speaker 1: beauty that like, that's the thing to talk about, and 1576 01:14:26,760 --> 01:14:28,760 Speaker 1: that's the thing to say that we're all in this 1577 01:14:28,920 --> 01:14:32,040 Speaker 1: together and we're all the same, and you're gonna have 1578 01:14:32,080 --> 01:14:34,080 Speaker 1: good days and bad days, and it's just about finding 1579 01:14:34,080 --> 01:14:38,000 Speaker 1: the right tools to keep you going through the bad ones. Yeah, 1580 01:14:38,160 --> 01:14:40,960 Speaker 1: like falling a low with simplicity is like the best 1581 01:14:40,960 --> 01:14:44,240 Speaker 1: way to do it because everyone tries to complicate things 1582 01:14:44,240 --> 01:14:46,200 Speaker 1: and tries to make things more than they are or 1583 01:14:46,280 --> 01:14:48,679 Speaker 1: less than they are. It's like, let me just let 1584 01:14:49,240 --> 01:14:51,479 Speaker 1: whatever it is, let it be that way. It's like 1585 01:14:52,080 --> 01:14:54,760 Speaker 1: again that a lot of this, all these messages are 1586 01:14:54,920 --> 01:14:56,680 Speaker 1: things that I have to tell myself. So like all 1587 01:14:56,680 --> 01:14:59,840 Speaker 1: these things is like for me, it's almost like like 1588 01:14:59,840 --> 01:15:01,960 Speaker 1: like someone else is talking to me. So like you 1589 01:15:02,000 --> 01:15:04,080 Speaker 1: hear the quote with like authors like they write books 1590 01:15:04,080 --> 01:15:07,160 Speaker 1: that they need for themselves, Like this is a message 1591 01:15:07,160 --> 01:15:10,920 Speaker 1: I'm trying to relay to myself as well. So, um, 1592 01:15:10,960 --> 01:15:14,839 Speaker 1: it's it's it's like such important stuff, but it's never easy. Um, 1593 01:15:14,880 --> 01:15:17,280 Speaker 1: at times it feels a little easy. But like that 1594 01:15:17,320 --> 01:15:20,280 Speaker 1: simplicity side, it is like sometimes it's it's it's kind 1595 01:15:20,280 --> 01:15:23,680 Speaker 1: of can can can seem boring. So it's like a 1596 01:15:23,840 --> 01:15:28,800 Speaker 1: very incremental um growth can feel boring at times. But 1597 01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:30,280 Speaker 1: then if you if you really commit to it, you 1598 01:15:30,280 --> 01:15:32,519 Speaker 1: look back two years later, you're like, dang, that is 1599 01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:34,400 Speaker 1: a huge game. If I would be able to get 1600 01:15:34,439 --> 01:15:36,880 Speaker 1: that day, I would be like I would be over 1601 01:15:36,920 --> 01:15:38,800 Speaker 1: the moon, like that was amazing. I was able to 1602 01:15:38,800 --> 01:15:40,960 Speaker 1: grow that much but it's like because it happened over 1603 01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:43,240 Speaker 1: a longer period time, it's like it doesn't feel as 1604 01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:47,120 Speaker 1: um in the moment as gratifying, but like the phase 1605 01:15:47,479 --> 01:15:49,479 Speaker 1: or the idea of looking back and realizing where you 1606 01:15:49,479 --> 01:15:52,559 Speaker 1: were and also thinking, like two years ago, I would 1607 01:15:53,479 --> 01:15:56,080 Speaker 1: everywhere and everything I'm experienced now is what I wanted 1608 01:15:56,400 --> 01:15:58,680 Speaker 1: two years ago. So it's like having that appreciation and 1609 01:15:58,760 --> 01:16:03,559 Speaker 1: like that awareness that um one like it's worth being here, 1610 01:16:03,600 --> 01:16:06,519 Speaker 1: Like you made it through your worst days, your worst days. 1611 01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:08,599 Speaker 1: And obviously that that quote hits hard for me because 1612 01:16:08,600 --> 01:16:12,080 Speaker 1: it's stream way, but like everyone has made it through 1613 01:16:12,120 --> 01:16:13,840 Speaker 1: their worst days and the worst time that they felt 1614 01:16:13,840 --> 01:16:15,640 Speaker 1: like they might not make it through. It's like they 1615 01:16:15,720 --> 01:16:17,479 Speaker 1: might still be in it and it might still be 1616 01:16:17,560 --> 01:16:20,840 Speaker 1: really challenging, and this comfort like uncomfortable, but um at 1617 01:16:20,840 --> 01:16:22,240 Speaker 1: the end of day, like you're still here and it's 1618 01:16:22,280 --> 01:16:27,960 Speaker 1: like why why does that be such a bad thing? Oh? 1619 01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:30,439 Speaker 1: I love that quote. Okay, tell us something that you're 1620 01:16:30,439 --> 01:16:34,080 Speaker 1: looking forward to. What's going on now? Update us? Yeah? 1621 01:16:34,200 --> 01:16:36,439 Speaker 1: So I got I mean I'm looking forward to a lot. 1622 01:16:36,479 --> 01:16:40,879 Speaker 1: I um I. After my incident, I made the comeback 1623 01:16:40,920 --> 01:16:43,360 Speaker 1: and while that was like the most amazing experience being 1624 01:16:43,520 --> 01:16:47,080 Speaker 1: to play baseball game saying I did it with one eye. Um, 1625 01:16:47,160 --> 01:16:49,439 Speaker 1: it's it led me to an opportunity to work in 1626 01:16:49,439 --> 01:16:51,960 Speaker 1: baseball still in a different way of like being this 1627 01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:55,000 Speaker 1: example as like my job. So my title with the 1628 01:16:55,040 --> 01:16:58,800 Speaker 1: Giants is mental health advocate. So I've just been worrying 1629 01:16:58,840 --> 01:17:01,479 Speaker 1: it as like I'm the brid between our players and 1630 01:17:01,640 --> 01:17:05,760 Speaker 1: our professionals because again, as I've talked about, like being 1631 01:17:05,800 --> 01:17:09,360 Speaker 1: in their shoes and being in a male competitive environment, 1632 01:17:09,400 --> 01:17:12,920 Speaker 1: Like I know, it's an apprehensive It's normally apprehensive to 1633 01:17:13,040 --> 01:17:15,320 Speaker 1: talk about these things and go reach out to help, 1634 01:17:15,600 --> 01:17:19,400 Speaker 1: especially in a therapy setting. Um. So I feel like 1635 01:17:19,439 --> 01:17:21,280 Speaker 1: I'm so excited that I'm able to just go and 1636 01:17:21,320 --> 01:17:23,960 Speaker 1: be myself and talk about these things and keep promoting 1637 01:17:24,439 --> 01:17:27,679 Speaker 1: the mental health side of the benefits from addressing mental 1638 01:17:27,720 --> 01:17:32,000 Speaker 1: health um and hopes that I can help another baseball 1639 01:17:32,040 --> 01:17:35,439 Speaker 1: player enjoy baseball even moore, or enjoy themselves more, enjoy 1640 01:17:35,520 --> 01:17:38,800 Speaker 1: life more by just like promoting what I did wrong 1641 01:17:38,840 --> 01:17:40,439 Speaker 1: and what I think I'm doing right now and what 1642 01:17:40,560 --> 01:17:43,320 Speaker 1: I think can help them. Um, if that creates a 1643 01:17:43,320 --> 01:17:45,720 Speaker 1: better balance for them, then that's going to give me 1644 01:17:45,800 --> 01:17:49,160 Speaker 1: more joy than like any home run ever did. UM, 1645 01:17:49,240 --> 01:17:51,360 Speaker 1: And then I also I'm really passionate about doing this 1646 01:17:51,479 --> 01:17:56,320 Speaker 1: outside of baseball. So, um, we are putting together a foundation. 1647 01:17:56,640 --> 01:18:00,080 Speaker 1: UM so we actually just became official, but I we 1648 01:18:00,160 --> 01:18:01,760 Speaker 1: just realized that so many people feel these things, that 1649 01:18:01,840 --> 01:18:04,360 Speaker 1: so many people have their own stories that are really 1650 01:18:04,360 --> 01:18:07,320 Speaker 1: powerful stories and really powerful journeys that can help someone 1651 01:18:07,360 --> 01:18:11,040 Speaker 1: else getting ready to go through them themselves. UM, So 1652 01:18:11,280 --> 01:18:14,640 Speaker 1: we have like we'll just get people talking about their 1653 01:18:14,720 --> 01:18:17,040 Speaker 1: journey so it creates awareness. But also we'll have like 1654 01:18:17,280 --> 01:18:20,040 Speaker 1: an actual system in place with because one of my 1655 01:18:20,080 --> 01:18:23,599 Speaker 1: co founders is my actual psychiatrists who has a heart 1656 01:18:23,600 --> 01:18:25,479 Speaker 1: of gold and is actually walking the walk of trying 1657 01:18:25,520 --> 01:18:27,800 Speaker 1: to help the world and helping the community that he's in. 1658 01:18:28,320 --> 01:18:32,080 Speaker 1: So we'll have we'll be offering free mental health care 1659 01:18:32,439 --> 01:18:35,160 Speaker 1: UM in a way that you you repay is doing 1660 01:18:35,160 --> 01:18:37,479 Speaker 1: through random maximum kindness in the community and then writing 1661 01:18:37,479 --> 01:18:39,680 Speaker 1: a paper on and it's like, so we're gonna have 1662 01:18:39,720 --> 01:18:43,680 Speaker 1: the the typical fundraising side of donations for the financials, 1663 01:18:43,720 --> 01:18:46,599 Speaker 1: but also we're gonna get a really cool pool together 1664 01:18:46,760 --> 01:18:48,759 Speaker 1: providers that are gonna be willing to donate their time 1665 01:18:49,120 --> 01:18:51,680 Speaker 1: to see people for free that don't wouldn't necessarily have 1666 01:18:51,800 --> 01:18:54,479 Speaker 1: the means to to get this help. And then the 1667 01:18:54,520 --> 01:18:57,080 Speaker 1: way that they are repaying them I say repaying, but 1668 01:18:57,120 --> 01:18:59,720 Speaker 1: the way that they're they're giving back is going and 1669 01:18:59,760 --> 01:19:02,880 Speaker 1: making impact in the community. UM. And just again like 1670 01:19:02,920 --> 01:19:06,160 Speaker 1: that's just the most blunt way of saying that they're 1671 01:19:06,200 --> 01:19:10,680 Speaker 1: walking the walk. So UM, everyone knows it's sometimes it's 1672 01:19:10,760 --> 01:19:13,479 Speaker 1: very challenging to get mental health care. It's there's waiting, 1673 01:19:13,600 --> 01:19:17,120 Speaker 1: there's long wait list, there's long there's the insurance part 1674 01:19:17,120 --> 01:19:21,680 Speaker 1: of it. So UM having this UM being an opportunity 1675 01:19:21,720 --> 01:19:23,880 Speaker 1: in the future, it's going to be game changing because 1676 01:19:24,280 --> 01:19:26,760 Speaker 1: we'll have providers willing to help the people that that 1677 01:19:27,080 --> 01:19:30,040 Speaker 1: don't want to be able to actually get the help. UM. 1678 01:19:30,080 --> 01:19:32,639 Speaker 1: And then also we have over a hundred volunteers from 1679 01:19:32,760 --> 01:19:34,840 Speaker 1: un l V and you and are UM like pre 1680 01:19:34,920 --> 01:19:37,240 Speaker 1: med students that are gonna be donating their time to 1681 01:19:37,280 --> 01:19:40,880 Speaker 1: be accountability buddies UM to keep up with patients in 1682 01:19:40,920 --> 01:19:44,000 Speaker 1: between their sessions, which again it's just a natural it's 1683 01:19:44,000 --> 01:19:46,600 Speaker 1: a very proven thing that the more people involved in 1684 01:19:46,600 --> 01:19:49,040 Speaker 1: your journey, the more the more likely you are stick 1685 01:19:49,080 --> 01:19:51,519 Speaker 1: to your goals. So having them reach out and ask 1686 01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:54,080 Speaker 1: how the weeks going, how their their goal is going 1687 01:19:54,120 --> 01:19:56,680 Speaker 1: how it's unfolding, and then also they'll they'll be able 1688 01:19:56,720 --> 01:19:59,120 Speaker 1: to actually help them, like walk through the insurance process 1689 01:19:59,160 --> 01:20:03,120 Speaker 1: and and the the scheduling process, because again, a lot 1690 01:20:03,200 --> 01:20:05,360 Speaker 1: of times you wait until in the actual crisis to 1691 01:20:05,400 --> 01:20:08,639 Speaker 1: get the help. And the last thing that someone wants 1692 01:20:08,680 --> 01:20:10,400 Speaker 1: to do in the middle of a crisis is like 1693 01:20:10,439 --> 01:20:14,960 Speaker 1: call their insurance or called receptionist. And I was like, no, 1694 01:20:15,080 --> 01:20:17,120 Speaker 1: I want to be seen right the second. It's like, 1695 01:20:17,520 --> 01:20:20,000 Speaker 1: hopefully we'll be able to do that once we get 1696 01:20:20,000 --> 01:20:23,400 Speaker 1: our our thing in place, and that's what we're really 1697 01:20:23,400 --> 01:20:28,639 Speaker 1: close to doing that, so we're so amazing. Yeah, that 1698 01:20:28,640 --> 01:20:31,360 Speaker 1: that is amazing. I was just I had two thoughts. 1699 01:20:31,479 --> 01:20:34,120 Speaker 1: One was I think everybody needs this and I'm so 1700 01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:37,320 Speaker 1: grateful that you're making it accessible because I know financially 1701 01:20:37,320 --> 01:20:41,120 Speaker 1: and also with the rise of just mental health UM 1702 01:20:41,240 --> 01:20:43,760 Speaker 1: being I guess just being more talked about. So it's 1703 01:20:43,880 --> 01:20:45,439 Speaker 1: it's I think it's always been there, but we're talking 1704 01:20:45,439 --> 01:20:48,120 Speaker 1: about it more after the pandemic UM and I know 1705 01:20:48,200 --> 01:20:52,559 Speaker 1: that mental health workers are facing numbers that they can't 1706 01:20:52,600 --> 01:20:55,720 Speaker 1: even they can't even get to, so I'm glad that 1707 01:20:55,760 --> 01:20:58,559 Speaker 1: you guys are providing even more access. Also, the other 1708 01:20:58,600 --> 01:21:01,439 Speaker 1: thought I had was, I think that everyone needs this, 1709 01:21:01,520 --> 01:21:05,760 Speaker 1: but I think men so so so desperately need a 1710 01:21:05,840 --> 01:21:09,439 Speaker 1: voice to voice there, to know that it's okay, to 1711 01:21:09,520 --> 01:21:12,680 Speaker 1: voice what's happening inside of them, and to learn how 1712 01:21:12,680 --> 01:21:15,800 Speaker 1: to just say that that's okay and to be vulnerable. 1713 01:21:15,840 --> 01:21:18,080 Speaker 1: So I'm just so grateful for the work that you're doing. 1714 01:21:18,120 --> 01:21:21,720 Speaker 1: I think it is so so so important. I really appreciate. Yeah, 1715 01:21:21,760 --> 01:21:24,479 Speaker 1: I think I think you're so right. I think obviously 1716 01:21:24,479 --> 01:21:26,880 Speaker 1: I can speak from males perspective, but like it's so 1717 01:21:27,000 --> 01:21:30,320 Speaker 1: national to think that, like it's a weakness to talk 1718 01:21:30,360 --> 01:21:35,000 Speaker 1: about things, weakness to feel things. It's like, again, you're 1719 01:21:35,000 --> 01:21:37,360 Speaker 1: gonna you're gonna feel whether whether you're talking about or not, 1720 01:21:37,400 --> 01:21:40,160 Speaker 1: so just talk about it. UM. I forget the guy's name, 1721 01:21:40,200 --> 01:21:44,120 Speaker 1: but he's really um an influential person on social media. 1722 01:21:44,160 --> 01:21:46,960 Speaker 1: But his quote is for men, if you don't take 1723 01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:49,000 Speaker 1: a break, you're gonna break. And it's like you don't 1724 01:21:49,040 --> 01:21:53,599 Speaker 1: need you don't need to um exploit that and take 1725 01:21:53,640 --> 01:21:56,559 Speaker 1: breaks unnecessarily all the time. But it's like every once 1726 01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:59,600 Speaker 1: in a while, just take a break and like like 1727 01:21:59,640 --> 01:22:02,519 Speaker 1: reach hards and like let things out, like tell peoply 1728 01:22:02,600 --> 01:22:04,439 Speaker 1: love them. It's not being so tough. And actually, like 1729 01:22:04,840 --> 01:22:08,599 Speaker 1: feelings are weakness. It's like I feel it's stronger about myself. 1730 01:22:09,320 --> 01:22:11,360 Speaker 1: I feel way stronger after I do something like this 1731 01:22:11,439 --> 01:22:14,000 Speaker 1: or have a conversation like this than I ever did 1732 01:22:14,240 --> 01:22:16,040 Speaker 1: when I was like in the gym lifting a bunch 1733 01:22:16,040 --> 01:22:18,160 Speaker 1: of weight or hitting the ball as far as I could, 1734 01:22:18,240 --> 01:22:20,439 Speaker 1: is like, and I think that's kind of part of 1735 01:22:20,439 --> 01:22:22,400 Speaker 1: the reason why, Like that was a big reason why 1736 01:22:22,400 --> 01:22:25,080 Speaker 1: I been I retired earlier than the season ended, because 1737 01:22:25,120 --> 01:22:28,599 Speaker 1: like I was feeling more alive and feeling more joy 1738 01:22:28,720 --> 01:22:32,000 Speaker 1: from like like talking about this stuff, like showing what 1739 01:22:32,040 --> 01:22:34,919 Speaker 1: this is like for for I mean a bunch of perspective, 1740 01:22:34,960 --> 01:22:39,160 Speaker 1: but like specifically Mail, Like it's it's such an uplifting 1741 01:22:39,200 --> 01:22:43,120 Speaker 1: and empowering feeling. Um and I just I think it's 1742 01:22:43,120 --> 01:22:47,120 Speaker 1: it's something that everyone would benefit from, but Mail especially especially. 1743 01:22:47,360 --> 01:22:49,439 Speaker 1: But again, I think it's just one of those things 1744 01:22:49,439 --> 01:22:51,920 Speaker 1: that's like, how how do we do It's like, no, 1745 01:22:52,120 --> 01:22:55,120 Speaker 1: just talk, like literally, just go talk and just see 1746 01:22:55,120 --> 01:22:58,360 Speaker 1: where it takes you, and you'll you'll probably feel a 1747 01:22:58,360 --> 01:23:00,400 Speaker 1: pretty big weight off preachest. And that's why that's where 1748 01:23:00,400 --> 01:23:01,880 Speaker 1: I've been able to witness so many times, Like some 1749 01:23:01,920 --> 01:23:03,600 Speaker 1: people will come up with me and just because my 1750 01:23:03,640 --> 01:23:06,519 Speaker 1: story is public, will ask me one quick little question 1751 01:23:06,560 --> 01:23:09,599 Speaker 1: about my story. Before you know, we're talking like fifty minutes, 1752 01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:13,839 Speaker 1: and I'm like, it feels really good, doesn't it. Professional 1753 01:23:13,880 --> 01:23:17,880 Speaker 1: actually knows how to adjust these things right, kind of 1754 01:23:17,960 --> 01:23:20,120 Speaker 1: like reinforce some things. But just imagine doing that with 1755 01:23:20,160 --> 01:23:22,679 Speaker 1: someone who actually can guided you and like and analyze 1756 01:23:22,680 --> 01:23:25,120 Speaker 1: these things with you and like a professional way. It's like, 1757 01:23:25,320 --> 01:23:29,439 Speaker 1: that feels really good, doesn't it? So? Well, if, like 1758 01:23:29,479 --> 01:23:31,519 Speaker 1: I said, if you guys want more of drew story, 1759 01:23:31,560 --> 01:23:34,160 Speaker 1: you can check out the E three sixty. Is it 1760 01:23:34,200 --> 01:23:37,720 Speaker 1: a documentary? Is that what you call that? Yeah? A documentary. 1761 01:23:38,479 --> 01:23:40,400 Speaker 1: Y's gonna get mad at us because it's the sixty 1762 01:23:40,439 --> 01:23:45,599 Speaker 1: not three sixty. Oh my gosh, I've been saying it wrong. Well, 1763 01:23:45,640 --> 01:23:47,920 Speaker 1: I mean three sixty. Is there some sort of life 1764 01:23:47,960 --> 01:23:51,559 Speaker 1: metaphor there? I don't know there's something. They're the sixties. 1765 01:23:51,720 --> 01:23:55,599 Speaker 1: I told you I'm not the biggest sports person. It's 1766 01:23:55,680 --> 01:24:00,960 Speaker 1: very funny, So oh god, that's hilarious. Well, anyway, E's 1767 01:24:01,000 --> 01:24:04,439 Speaker 1: sixty alive. It's so so, so great, and you guys 1768 01:24:04,439 --> 01:24:06,080 Speaker 1: can go check out more about Drew. There where else 1769 01:24:06,120 --> 01:24:10,000 Speaker 1: can people keep up with you and especially about this foundation. Yes, 1770 01:24:10,120 --> 01:24:12,760 Speaker 1: so our foundations are gonna be called better You. So 1771 01:24:12,800 --> 01:24:15,120 Speaker 1: we're still getting that like the landing page and the 1772 01:24:15,880 --> 01:24:18,679 Speaker 1: socials in in place, but it's gonna be called better 1773 01:24:18,760 --> 01:24:22,160 Speaker 1: you short for a better universe. So like to create 1774 01:24:22,160 --> 01:24:23,760 Speaker 1: a better universe, you have to start with a better you. 1775 01:24:25,439 --> 01:24:29,840 Speaker 1: I'm on social media with Instagram and Twitter, so um yeah, 1776 01:24:29,920 --> 01:24:32,479 Speaker 1: that's where I try to I try to keep up 1777 01:24:32,520 --> 01:24:37,400 Speaker 1: with at like posting like obviously more mental health things, 1778 01:24:37,479 --> 01:24:40,280 Speaker 1: but realistically, if you follow me, realize it's really just 1779 01:24:40,320 --> 01:24:45,519 Speaker 1: about my dogs. Hey, that's mental health to my dog. 1780 01:24:45,560 --> 01:24:47,439 Speaker 1: And I having service song that traveled with me. So 1781 01:24:47,640 --> 01:24:49,920 Speaker 1: she's literally goes everywhere with me, she goes on stage 1782 01:24:49,920 --> 01:24:52,280 Speaker 1: with me, she's she's in the clubhouse, on the field, 1783 01:24:52,280 --> 01:24:55,400 Speaker 1: like everywhere. So I got to keep my social like 1784 01:24:55,600 --> 01:24:58,439 Speaker 1: for what it wasn't intended to be, just like just 1785 01:24:58,560 --> 01:25:03,040 Speaker 1: like free, like easy the social interaction, so what it's 1786 01:25:03,080 --> 01:25:06,320 Speaker 1: kind of turned into these days, but Grammar and Twitter 1787 01:25:06,479 --> 01:25:08,720 Speaker 1: and then better You will be put together within the 1788 01:25:08,720 --> 01:25:12,160 Speaker 1: next couple of weeks. Amazing, Well, Drew, thank you so much. 1789 01:25:12,240 --> 01:25:14,519 Speaker 1: I'm so happy that you're here to do the work 1790 01:25:14,560 --> 01:25:16,160 Speaker 1: that you're doing. Like I said, I think it's so 1791 01:25:16,160 --> 01:25:18,439 Speaker 1: so so important. Thank you so much for sharing your 1792 01:25:18,479 --> 01:25:21,880 Speaker 1: story with us today. Of course, thank you for having me, 1793 01:25:21,920 --> 01:25:23,800 Speaker 1: and thank you for listening to rmbill for as long 1794 01:25:23,840 --> 01:25:27,000 Speaker 1: as you do. It just as much for me as 1795 01:25:27,040 --> 01:25:30,519 Speaker 1: it does anyone else, So I appreciate you having me. Yes, 1796 01:25:30,840 --> 01:25:33,599 Speaker 1: thank you guys so much for listening. Thanks for listening 1797 01:25:33,600 --> 01:25:36,360 Speaker 1: to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, where we 1798 01:25:36,400 --> 01:25:39,160 Speaker 1: believe everyone has a little velvet and a little edge. 1799 01:25:39,400 --> 01:25:43,760 Speaker 1: Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. 1800 01:25:43,960 --> 01:25:46,480 Speaker 1: Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.