1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 1: Coming up on You Need Therapy. Confidence and empowerment are 2 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:09,039 Speaker 1: very quiet. I think fear and insecurity are very loud. 3 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 4 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:18,440 Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know 5 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 6 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,279 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,680 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 8 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane, Yeah, 9 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,320 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 10 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:37,840 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 11 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 12 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 13 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,280 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 14 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 15 00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy, y'all. 16 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: You are in for such a treat today. I have 17 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,600 Speaker 1: been waiting to share this episode with you for weeks 18 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: and I have a friend and fellow therapist, Courtney Grimes 19 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 1: on to talk to you guys, And really, I had 20 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: this conversation for myself because it all started when she 21 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: said something on a trip that we had gone on 22 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,039 Speaker 1: with a couple other therapists to tour some treatment centers. 23 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 1: She said something and it it clocked in my brain 24 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,320 Speaker 1: and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I said 25 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,960 Speaker 1: to myself, I'm going to have you on the podcast 26 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,040 Speaker 1: because We're going to have this conversation for everybody to hear, 27 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 1: because I know what would be fruitful and I know 28 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,959 Speaker 1: it will be helpful. So I could talk about Courtney 29 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,839 Speaker 1: for hours and how wonderful she is and how accomplished 30 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 1: she is, and how smart she is and how impactful 31 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 1: she has been in the world. But what I'm gonna 32 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 1: do is let her show you that through all of 33 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:53,720 Speaker 1: the amazing things that she says. During this episode, I 34 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 1: was writing down note after note when we were speaking, 35 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,920 Speaker 1: like I could not I felt like I couldn't make 36 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 1: eye contact with her because I kept being like, we 37 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: have to write this down. I have to write this 38 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,640 Speaker 1: down because she says so many things that are so 39 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,800 Speaker 1: important and that made like fireworks go off in my head. 40 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,200 Speaker 1: She's just awesome. You can tell she was created to 41 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,680 Speaker 1: be doing the work she's doing. And I feel like 42 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,160 Speaker 1: I am rambling on like I'm like part of the 43 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,280 Speaker 1: Corney Grams fan Club, and maybe I am, and maybe 44 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to be the president. So if anybody after 45 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: this episode wants to join the fan club, all the 46 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 1: other spots are open. I'm sure Courtney would love that. 47 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,760 Speaker 1: But one thing I do want to mention before I 48 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 1: introduce our conversation is a program she has created called 49 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:36,679 Speaker 1: the Collective. It offers a new level of care for treatment, 50 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 1: which is called extended out Patient and it focuses on 51 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 1: something that gets left out quite a bit when it 52 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:50,400 Speaker 1: comes to treatment and recovery and therapy and all that 53 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: comes with that, And we talked about that in the episode, 54 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 1: so you'll hear us. But it is such a cool program. 55 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 1: It has come and been developed out of experience finding 56 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: what's out working and finding what's missing and then filling 57 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 1: in those holes. And if you guys hear us talk 58 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 1: about it and you want to know more, you can 59 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: find out more by going to my Collective care dot com. 60 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: I will also put links to everything you need to 61 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 1: know about Courtney and everything you need to know about 62 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: the Collective in the show notes, So if you want 63 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 1: to learn more about that, just click on the show notes. 64 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: Click on those links, they will be there for you. 65 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,160 Speaker 1: I highly recommend being a part of anything Courtney does, 66 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,240 Speaker 1: anything she touches, honestly. So I want to say thank 67 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: you Courtney for this conversation because it is probably one 68 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,480 Speaker 1: of my favorites that I've had um when it comes 69 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 1: to the podcast. So, without any more of my fan 70 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: girlinge I'm going to just let you guys hear all 71 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,520 Speaker 1: that Courtney had to say and all that I had 72 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: to say about what Courtney had to say. Here's my 73 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: conversation with Courtney Grimes. Courtney, Hi, Hi, I like to start. 74 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,760 Speaker 1: I started this last year with a couple of people 75 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,120 Speaker 1: because introductions can be awkward and uncomfortable for myself and 76 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: other people. So I like to hear what people would 77 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:08,200 Speaker 1: like to be introduced to us if I could not 78 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: use your job title. Interesting question like how would you 79 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: want me to introduce you to a group whether you're 80 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: speaking or like you're at a dinner party, And I'm like, 81 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,479 Speaker 1: this is Courtney. She is blank, but I cannot say 82 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: she is a therapist. You would say this is Courtney 83 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: and she gets paid to make people cry and watch them, 84 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,640 Speaker 1: But that's your job. So who are who? Well, how 85 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 1: do you want people to know you outside of that? 86 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,479 Speaker 1: Outside of that, I would say big spirit, big thinker, 87 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: sort of a global worldview kind of person, super open, 88 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: don't meet strangers. You don't meet strangers. I love humans 89 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,760 Speaker 1: and I kind of hate us at the same time. 90 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,160 Speaker 1: But I love us. We're great. We're great. So I 91 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,840 Speaker 1: am a I like to think of myself as a 92 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: collector of human narratives. Okay, I like that you said 93 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 1: big thinker, because you are. And I like that you 94 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 1: said did you say I don't mean a stranger. You don't. 95 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:09,479 Speaker 1: You're like friends with literally anybody that even makes a 96 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: glance at you. We're all the same. Yeah, you're like, 97 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: I know your story now looked at me friends. Yes, 98 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 1: it's super annoying. I don't think it's annoying. Do you 99 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,920 Speaker 1: think it's annoying to other people who are annoying to you? Everybody? 100 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,599 Speaker 1: Are you touching my hair? It's so pretty? Isn't it 101 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: hard as a therapist to not when you are I'm 102 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 1: a love language physical touch, so I when I'm talking 103 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,160 Speaker 1: to somebody, I just want to hold them. Yes, it 104 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,720 Speaker 1: isn't that hard to their arm and like and like 105 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,919 Speaker 1: scratch their back. Everyone's like, this is this is a Yeah, 106 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,680 Speaker 1: you didn't ask for consent. You're like, I signed nothing. 107 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Okay. So also, I have a couple 108 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 1: of fun questions before we get into the stuff. Because Courtney, 109 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,279 Speaker 1: as you guys know, is a therapist. So when I 110 00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 1: have therapists on, we tend to well sometimes I mean, 111 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,920 Speaker 1: we're gonna have fun because Courtney, but we tend to 112 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,920 Speaker 1: talk to about more serious stuff. So that we would 113 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: start with some fun things. What are two of the 114 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: most important things you learned about being a therapist after 115 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 1: you already were one. I don't know if I can 116 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:17,040 Speaker 1: limit that to two. So first, I would say being 117 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,280 Speaker 1: a therapist after I started to actually sit in sessions 118 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: with human lives and people in stories. They don't really 119 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,080 Speaker 1: teach you how to do that in school, Like it's 120 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: not in a book. It's not in a book or 121 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 1: a classroom, right, So I think that was sort of 122 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,039 Speaker 1: a punch in the face when I first when you 123 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,239 Speaker 1: when you first started out, You're like, oh my god, 124 00:06:35,279 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 1: this is somebody's life. Don't screw this up. Don't screw this. 125 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,600 Speaker 1: They're coming to you because they don't know what's up 126 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,719 Speaker 1: and they need to figure some stuff out. So I 127 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:48,800 Speaker 1: think the mess of the human life, the messiness of it, 128 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 1: the tangles we all kind of there isn't ever like 129 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 1: a clear cut answer. There's not like a therapy answer. 130 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,479 Speaker 1: There's not like a um, oh, well here's your problem. 131 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 1: Let me flip to page fifty my therapy manual and 132 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,120 Speaker 1: this is what I say. Yeah, Like that's not That 133 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,880 Speaker 1: was sort of a slap in the face and it's like, 134 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 1: oh my god. And it's so crazy too, because you 135 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 1: can have two or three people that you work with 136 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: who have similar issues, but the answers are all going 137 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,720 Speaker 1: to be different for that person because they're having their 138 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: own experience. And I know you and I have talked 139 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:21,600 Speaker 1: about that before too. It's the myriad of each human 140 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 1: experience and human narrative is so unique. And that for 141 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,480 Speaker 1: me bleeds into kind of the second big thing that 142 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 1: I've learned over the years, back way way up as 143 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 1: a therapist. I need to take up the least amount 144 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,800 Speaker 1: of space in the room. It's not about me. It's 145 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 1: not about what I think or what I feel. All 146 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 1: that has to be checked at the door, right So, 147 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:47,520 Speaker 1: so I have then the luxury of total objectivity. I 148 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: can look at this person and see them almost as 149 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: a compassionate little puzzle. And so my client and I 150 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 1: will work to deconstruct the puzzle and pull all these 151 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 1: pieces apart and fear how to reconstruct that puzzle to 152 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: make things kind of work a little bit better for them. 153 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,160 Speaker 1: But I mean, I do the same thing with my therapist. Right. 154 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,720 Speaker 1: So when I am in my fire and I'm in 155 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: my life and I'm too close to all my relationships 156 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: and my people and all my ish I can't see 157 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 1: past the flame. I can't. I can't see on the 158 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: outside of my own fire, right, So then she has 159 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 1: the luxury of objectivity as someone watching me being on fire. 160 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,560 Speaker 1: I mean, like your homie, the bucket of water is 161 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 1: down there by your foot, you might want to just 162 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,000 Speaker 1: reach down for that right there. You can't see it, 163 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,840 Speaker 1: it's right there. You know. Both of those things I 164 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: think are so important because one thing, I thought, I 165 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: didn't know I was going to be a therapist until 166 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 1: I like basically was in grad school and I was like, 167 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 1: how did I get here? Um? And I remember because 168 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,079 Speaker 1: I was my major. I was in child and Family studies, 169 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,200 Speaker 1: and I remember my advisor was American family therapist. But 170 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,840 Speaker 1: I thought I was going to go work for just 171 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: a nonprofit or something. So I remember looking at my 172 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: advisor in being like, Wow, what a special kind of 173 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:07,440 Speaker 1: alien human that like she has all these things programmed 174 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,360 Speaker 1: in her head that she knows what to say. And 175 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 1: I think when you said, I don't like open a 176 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: book and say, oh she said this, Now I go 177 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,040 Speaker 1: here and it says, now, say it's not so easy. 178 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 1: That make our jobs so easy. It would make our 179 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: jobs really easy, but then we would be really bad 180 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 1: at our jobs. The human experience very easy, which is 181 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: it's not so I think that was something when I 182 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,119 Speaker 1: learned that, like, oh, nobody can teach it a therapist 183 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,240 Speaker 1: exactly what to say. That's not a thing. That was 184 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 1: scary and also at the same time kind of cool 185 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: because I was deliberating. And then also the part learning 186 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: that it's not about me for me that came when 187 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 1: I realized that I am not here to save everybody 188 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,160 Speaker 1: like I thought I was really powerful, and then I 189 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:58,439 Speaker 1: was like, Okay, if I'm not here to have glory 190 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: of saving somebody's a life and I'm just here to 191 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: help them do that totally different games, which is why 192 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: on the podcast. I know you guys listening probably hear 193 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: this from me a lot, and I'm sure you get 194 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: this from clients that are like, you saved my life, 195 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,560 Speaker 1: and I'm always like, I didn't, I wasn't there. Yeah, 196 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: I'm like, you did that, you did that? And why 197 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 1: I um so often and like I don't want to answer. 198 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,520 Speaker 1: I have a segment on here where people send in 199 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: questions and I answer them, and I usually answer them 200 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: back with questions because the goal is for you to 201 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,760 Speaker 1: know you more than you than I do, like, not 202 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:40,240 Speaker 1: for me to know you, and I don't want that power. 203 00:10:40,679 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 1: I don't ever want to be looked at as a therapist. 204 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,959 Speaker 1: Maybe in my personal life I have these issues I 205 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,240 Speaker 1: don't know, but as a therapist, I don't want to 206 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 1: ever be looked at as any kind of idol. Right, 207 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 1: I'm just a person that knows some things and can 208 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,559 Speaker 1: see things that other people can't see all the time. 209 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: So I love that. And then my next question, if 210 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: you could invent a potion to cure one thing? I'm 211 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: in my Harry Potter era right now. I can't stop 212 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,319 Speaker 1: over Christmas. I watch all the movies and now I'm 213 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: listening to the books, and I'm like planning a trip 214 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: to go to Harry Potter World, like, so that's where 215 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,559 Speaker 1: this question came in my head. But if you could 216 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:23,840 Speaker 1: invent a potion to cure one thing that clients you 217 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,839 Speaker 1: hear clients come to you often wanting to end quotes fix, 218 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,960 Speaker 1: what would you want to be able to cure loneliness? 219 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: I knew you were going to say that, Okay, well, 220 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: hands dare It's something that everybody feels now more than ever. 221 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,920 Speaker 1: But I think that it's something that everybody feels and 222 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,240 Speaker 1: nobody talks about. I think we are now in this 223 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,880 Speaker 1: age of this era, whatever you wanna call it, where 224 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,319 Speaker 1: it's become more important than ever for our shell to 225 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: look perfect, be perfect, be on, try to monetize stuff 226 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 1: on social media. We're all we're all so focused on 227 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: the shell on the outer. No one's really talking about 228 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 1: what's going on in the inside in a vulnerable way, 229 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: if that makes sense. And over the years, what I 230 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: have found and what I experience in my own life 231 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: is we're all going through the exact same ship. Everybody is. 232 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: It is the human experience, and nobody's talking about it. 233 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 1: So client after client after hour after hour after day, 234 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:32,040 Speaker 1: after month after year, I'm listening to all of these fantastic, gorgeous, brilliant, 235 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,400 Speaker 1: wonderful humans come in and tell me that they don't 236 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 1: have any friends. They feel like they're the only one 237 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 1: going through what they're going through. Where do I meet 238 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,320 Speaker 1: people people don't like me? And I'm thinking, you're like, 239 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,600 Speaker 1: you're incredible. How is this possible? And then the more 240 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 1: I kept hearing the story from all these different people 241 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 1: and they, Oh my god, we all have the same story. 242 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 1: I would invent a potion to cure loneliness. In my 243 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:57,440 Speaker 1: very humble opinion, it seems to be the root of 244 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 1: everything else. I think there is so much happening with mental, emotional, spiritual, 245 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 1: social health that can be stripped down. We really really 246 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: peel those onions. It comes down to feeling alone. Amen, 247 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 1: I agree with everything you'd have said, and what is 248 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 1: popping into my brain. We have actually created this manufactured 249 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 1: vulnerability that gives us the ability to pretend better that 250 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:31,280 Speaker 1: we are being vulnerable, but really we are less vulnerable 251 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 1: than we ever have been. And I'll give you example 252 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,319 Speaker 1: of Oh this spoils me to my core. When people 253 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,199 Speaker 1: post a picture of them crying, oh God, on Instagram, 254 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,480 Speaker 1: and I will say I did recently. I think I 255 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,840 Speaker 1: posted this to Instagram. I posted a picture of me 256 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: crying after I watched Did you watch from Scratch on Netflix? 257 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,079 Speaker 1: From start to finish? I know? Were you not audibly 258 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: sobbing like a baby? Yeah? And then I photographed it 259 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:02,079 Speaker 1: and put it online. I did do that. I'm saying 260 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:06,320 Speaker 1: that because I did that. I was bawling. I had 261 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 1: not cried like that because that that could happen. That story, 262 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: It's like, and it happens all the time. Anyway, that's 263 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,920 Speaker 1: not important, but I do. I have to say this 264 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: because I did. I took a picture and send it 265 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,360 Speaker 1: to my boyfriend and said, what are you coming home? 266 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:23,120 Speaker 1: And he was like, what is going on with you? 267 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: And I posted that picture and said, like has anybody 268 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: else seen Scratch? From Scratch? Blah blah blah. I'm like, 269 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,240 Speaker 1: so sad. But that was not me being vulnerable because 270 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:36,760 Speaker 1: I was crying. I wasn't trying to share anything really 271 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: deep about my life. I just was like, this movie 272 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: is so sad, like for this show. So yeah, I 273 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: did that. But I see when people are like in 274 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,200 Speaker 1: the midst of something hard, or their kids are acting 275 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,280 Speaker 1: up or they didn't get something they wanted. And never 276 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 1: in my life in the midst of true despair like that, 277 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,960 Speaker 1: have I been like, hold on, I gotta get my 278 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 1: phone and share this on Instagram. I have my experience, 279 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 1: and then I might share that with somebody. But to me, 280 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:11,680 Speaker 1: it's almost like exploiting an emotion versus connected well and 281 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,400 Speaker 1: hear what you're saying to right, So, like if I 282 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 1: post those kinds of photos on Instagram, what is it 283 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:22,480 Speaker 1: that I'm after? Yeah, connection, I'm after somebody to reach 284 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: out to me and say, hey, gir, are you okay? 285 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:27,720 Speaker 1: What's going on? Versus what if I texted somebody? Right? 286 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 1: But that's that's that's scary. That's vulnerability that yes to say, hey, 287 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: I can I talk to you? I need right. So, again, 288 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 1: even with that kind of stuff, when we pull back 289 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:43,040 Speaker 1: that manufactured vulnerability, what why, what's the motive of doing that? 290 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: More than likely it's some kind of connection or validation. 291 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 1: So again, like I am finding that it really comes 292 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,960 Speaker 1: down to loneliness or feeling all alone and so so 293 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,240 Speaker 1: that shows up everywhere all over people's lives, right, and 294 00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:03,120 Speaker 1: then that manifests into mental illnesses, depression, anxiety, things, like that, right, 295 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: and then we use food and booze and social media 296 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 1: and shopping and all the things to medicate the depression 297 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: and anxiety, and the medicating or the depression and the 298 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: anxiety really are just a byproduct of feeling all alone 299 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 1: in this world. And I mean, I know this makes 300 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: me sound a million years old, but this world, God, 301 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,920 Speaker 1: I feel like it's getting bigger and bigger and smaller 302 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,600 Speaker 1: and smaller all at the same time. You know what 303 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 1: I'm saying. It's like I feel like the two or 304 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 1: three degrees of separation is like really really applicable. But 305 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: at the same time, I'm like, oh my god, there's 306 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 1: so many like it's it's so much. I get really 307 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 1: overwhelmed from all of the stuff, all of the TikTok 308 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: all of this. It's so much and this pressure to 309 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: like put out all this time thinking like, oh my 310 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: we are We're not meant to have that much information, 311 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: meant to consume the way we consume or our brains 312 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,360 Speaker 1: at a process at that a conversation with somebody about 313 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 1: social media a couple of years ago, and she helped 314 00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 1: me kind of think differently about how I demonize social 315 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,560 Speaker 1: media because again, I like social media. But it's it's 316 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:15,399 Speaker 1: almost like these things have created problems that they are 317 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 1: helpful in some way, but those there's also problems now, 318 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:22,679 Speaker 1: and we haven't caught up and tried to look at 319 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 1: the issues and resolve those. We just start putting band 320 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: aids on them. But that is our culture. That's that's 321 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 1: how we roll, right, And I definitely do not demonize 322 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 1: social media. I think there's so much some good that 323 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,760 Speaker 1: comes from it. But I think, like anything else, people 324 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,520 Speaker 1: will misuse it like anything else. I don't think it's 325 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:42,760 Speaker 1: any different from anything else in the whole world in 326 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 1: that way, right, And I think that we try to 327 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:48,520 Speaker 1: use it like we try to use anything else to 328 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:52,040 Speaker 1: get our needs met. Yeah, that's really it. Yeah, well, 329 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,080 Speaker 1: I guess I wonder this even thinking about that. Like, 330 00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:58,520 Speaker 1: if we didn't have social media and I needed some connection, 331 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: I was feeling really lonely, and so I post this 332 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: picture of me crying. If I didn't have social media 333 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 1: to do that, what would I do? I would probably 334 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: have another vice. I wouldn't probably call my friend maybe. 335 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 1: I mean, I grew up without the Internet, without social media, 336 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,120 Speaker 1: without all of that stuff. That stuff really really hit 337 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:17,440 Speaker 1: when I was kind of in my late twenties, So 338 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,719 Speaker 1: I mean, we didn't have that as an option. And 339 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 1: I would call my mom, I would call my friend, 340 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,160 Speaker 1: I would talk to my there would be a human 341 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,840 Speaker 1: being sitting with me. I guess I think that, yeah, 342 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,919 Speaker 1: because I'm coming back to like, I do have the 343 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: belief that, for the most part, we're going to choose 344 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 1: the easier option. Of course, so we have an easier option, 345 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,320 Speaker 1: so I'm gonna choose that. But I didn't have an 346 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,400 Speaker 1: easier option than I would choose the only option. Yes, 347 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,639 Speaker 1: you got it all right, So I can't wait for 348 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,360 Speaker 1: you to come out with that potion me too. We're 349 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:48,240 Speaker 1: gonna be a chillionaire. We're going to retire cat for sure. 350 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 1: So I asked Courtney to come here for a couple 351 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,360 Speaker 1: of reasons, one being we went on a I don't 352 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:57,919 Speaker 1: even know what to call this trip, what is it 353 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:03,920 Speaker 1: like scursion excursion to California with a couple other people 354 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 1: that work in therapy world, and we had a lot 355 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 1: of conversations about a lot of things, but we talked 356 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,800 Speaker 1: a lot about mental health in general, and something that 357 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 1: you said a couple of times that it's as though 358 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,199 Speaker 1: I was searching for that sentence. But I didn't know. 359 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,120 Speaker 1: I was searching for it, and that's why I feel 360 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,880 Speaker 1: like I can't let it go. But I'm like, oh god, 361 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,439 Speaker 1: what did I say? Well, it's it's when when you said, 362 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: in the real world, nobody cares about your recovery. And 363 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:35,199 Speaker 1: we were touring some treatment centers, and both of us 364 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,320 Speaker 1: have an experience of working out patient with clients individually 365 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:43,560 Speaker 1: and in treatment centers. And I started in a treatment 366 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,920 Speaker 1: center that's all I knew, and so I would set 367 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,240 Speaker 1: people up for their aftercare plans. But I really probably 368 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,400 Speaker 1: didn't know what I was doing because I had never 369 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,360 Speaker 1: been in that world. And so anyway, we're out there 370 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,399 Speaker 1: talking to either the treatment centers, the people there, or 371 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: just each other about Okay, well, what do we see 372 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:06,159 Speaker 1: as a common issue, Like there's so much good treatment 373 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:09,960 Speaker 1: in the world, There are so many good professionals are 374 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:14,080 Speaker 1: so there's so many avenues for people to get help. 375 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,240 Speaker 1: But why is it that over and over and over 376 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,879 Speaker 1: and over again. I would see this as somebody who 377 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,920 Speaker 1: worked in treatment before. I wasn't on the side. And 378 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,600 Speaker 1: for those who are listening, you're like, what are you 379 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,840 Speaker 1: talking about? When I say treatment? I mean like residential 380 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,600 Speaker 1: treatment where you go somewhere, you live there for at 381 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:34,560 Speaker 1: least thirty days, and you've limited contact with outside world. 382 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: All of your vices are taken away. There's a lot 383 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 1: of structure like that is where I when you think 384 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:43,120 Speaker 1: of rehab, that's kind of what I'm talking about. That's 385 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: where I worked, and now I'm in this outpatient world 386 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 1: where I see a client maybe once, maybe twice a week, 387 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,120 Speaker 1: for an hour at a time. And so what I 388 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,200 Speaker 1: saw and what I learned early on is I don't 389 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,920 Speaker 1: know what the actual status. So if I'm wrong, I'm not. 390 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: This is an example of a statistic. But back then, 391 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 1: I was reminded very often that really one out of 392 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,359 Speaker 1: ten of your clients is gonna make it. And I 393 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: mean it doesn't mean they're going to die as soon 394 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 1: as they leave treatment, but one out of ten of 395 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,840 Speaker 1: your clients is going to actually find long term recovery 396 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:25,120 Speaker 1: from whatever it is. One out of ten of your 397 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:29,120 Speaker 1: clients is going to actually find long term recovery from 398 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,920 Speaker 1: whatever it is. That's so crazy to me, because these 399 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:35,359 Speaker 1: clients that I'm working with, more than ten percent of 400 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:40,840 Speaker 1: them leave treatment being so excited to go out and 401 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:47,719 Speaker 1: have this new experience. They're so excited about finally liking themselves. 402 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 1: And I can't wait to actually go back to school 403 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 1: and get a new job where I can't wait to 404 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,600 Speaker 1: be a healthy really so excited. And if I went 405 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 1: back and looked at all the clients from treatment that 406 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,080 Speaker 1: I had, even the ones that I was like that 407 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,040 Speaker 1: one's gonna make it that they're gonna make it relapse. 408 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,200 Speaker 1: So I want you to tell me where this sentence 409 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,120 Speaker 1: in the world. No one cares about your recovery. Where 410 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,000 Speaker 1: does that come from? Because I know it doesn't come 411 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,639 Speaker 1: from a place of like I hate people, No, not 412 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 1: at all. It actually comes from a place of experience. 413 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,959 Speaker 1: So about twenty years ago, I started a pretty brutal 414 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,000 Speaker 1: eating disorder recovery. I was pretty sick for for a 415 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,280 Speaker 1: while and started my recovery process. And what I noticed 416 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,720 Speaker 1: when I, god, I don't want to say like got 417 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,240 Speaker 1: through with the process, but you start to kind of 418 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: come out of it and things are you learn all 419 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:38,199 Speaker 1: of these tools, you learn all of these ways to 420 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: keep yourself healthy to stay in recovery from this particular addiction. 421 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:46,680 Speaker 1: And I would feel really really excited about this new 422 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 1: life I was going to have, right but then I 423 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,560 Speaker 1: would like go home and my roommates on keto, or 424 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,480 Speaker 1: I called my mom and she's on a diet, or um, 425 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,119 Speaker 1: you turn on the TV, try on the TV and 426 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,399 Speaker 1: there's ads for like fat free back, you know, all 427 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 1: this stuff, And that really pissed me off, and I think, this, 428 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 1: how am I supposed to stay recovered from an eating 429 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: disorder when all of the stuff is around me? And 430 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: then it would like blow up my relationships because we 431 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,439 Speaker 1: get mad at my roommate, where I get angry with 432 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,399 Speaker 1: my mom and pick fights with mom. You shouldn't be 433 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,679 Speaker 1: doing that, and oh my gosh, these address right, And 434 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: so it caused so much turmoil and anger and like 435 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,560 Speaker 1: unrest in myself until I realized, wait, court yo yo yo, 436 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,400 Speaker 1: hold up, nobody gives a ship, Nobody cares that you're 437 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: recovering from an eating disorder. You're the only one who 438 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: really really is responsible for taking care of this. I 439 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:43,040 Speaker 1: can't change American culture, and lord knows, I'm not going 440 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,480 Speaker 1: to be able to change my mom's diet patterns. That's been, 441 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:50,359 Speaker 1: that's been a place she doesn't want to long time. 442 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,600 Speaker 1: And in realizing that for myself all those years ago, 443 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 1: it was this weird. It's kind of sound really weird, 444 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 1: but it was like this relief. Most it relieved the 445 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 1: anger that I was penting. That I had pent up. 446 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: It's sort of like helped all of this hostility and 447 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:14,040 Speaker 1: mothering that I was doing evaporate. And I thought, the 448 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,679 Speaker 1: rest of the world, it's not everybody else's job to 449 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,280 Speaker 1: cater to me and what I need. It's my job 450 00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,840 Speaker 1: to recognize what I need and get my needs met. 451 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 1: And it's nobody else's fault and I don't have to 452 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,440 Speaker 1: be They're not doing anything wrong, they're just living their life. 453 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,720 Speaker 1: So it was really healing in that way. So then 454 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,679 Speaker 1: fast forward to me entering this field and becoming a 455 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,960 Speaker 1: mental health care professional, and I saw that with everyone 456 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,760 Speaker 1: that I was working with, these beautiful, lovely, amazing people 457 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,440 Speaker 1: coming home from rehab facilities, whether it was for drinking, 458 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,399 Speaker 1: for drug trauma, eating, whatever, it is, right, And what 459 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,160 Speaker 1: I was noticing is it we're all having this kind 460 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: of same recovery experience where you go off to these 461 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: be you, I mean you, and I toured them their 462 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: breathtaking I'm like, when where's my sweet oh my god, 463 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:07,199 Speaker 1: place is incredible. There's about Chris gorgeous, not that what 464 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,680 Speaker 1: this is so and they're everywhere and they're just the kindest, 465 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:14,359 Speaker 1: most amazing people run these places, and there is such 466 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,119 Speaker 1: a need for that right there. Sometimes there is a 467 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 1: need when people get in too deep with stuff like 468 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: I did, right, You just get in too deep and 469 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 1: you have to sort of go to a bubble, like 470 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:32,679 Speaker 1: a little safe, warm, bunny filled confetti falling treatment bubble 471 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,679 Speaker 1: where everything's like awesome, right, and you're like surrounded by 472 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:39,159 Speaker 1: everybody who speaks the language, and everybody like everything that 473 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,399 Speaker 1: leaves your mouth, everybody else in the room is like, 474 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,480 Speaker 1: oh my god, same here, Like that's amazing and it's 475 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,560 Speaker 1: so empowering and it's so validating. The problem with that 476 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,480 Speaker 1: is is isn't real life? Right? So what I was 477 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: finding is that all of these people who are these beautiful, gorgeous, 478 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,160 Speaker 1: amazing people are coming back from these places and they've 479 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,680 Speaker 1: done beautiful work, like you said, for thirty days, sixty days, 480 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 1: ninety days, sometimes longer, and they come home and they're 481 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,720 Speaker 1: on fire for life, and they're on fire for the recovery, 482 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,640 Speaker 1: and they're the healthiest maybe they've ever been, and they're 483 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,400 Speaker 1: so excited about all this new stuff that's gonna happen, 484 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,680 Speaker 1: but they go right back to the same environment that 485 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:20,320 Speaker 1: made them sick. And the expectation is that the environment's 486 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: gonna shift and cater to me and what I need 487 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:28,119 Speaker 1: to maintain this bunny confetti filled bubble that's not real. 488 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,160 Speaker 1: It's treatment, and treatment is beautiful and it's needed. There 489 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:36,080 Speaker 1: also has to be some type of ownership coming home 490 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 1: where it's like, Okay, I have to now internalize that 491 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 1: little bubble that has to live inside of me, and 492 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,359 Speaker 1: I can't force anybody else to be in that bubble 493 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,680 Speaker 1: with me. That's not how the world works, right. So, like, 494 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,640 Speaker 1: I remember having a conversation with somebody once they came home. 495 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: They've been gone for sixty days for alcohol, used to 496 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:58,800 Speaker 1: sort for substances with alcohol. She comes home and came 497 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,200 Speaker 1: to session. She'd been maybe a month month and a 498 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,600 Speaker 1: half and was freaking out because her boyfriend wanted to 499 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,840 Speaker 1: go to the Titans game with her, to go see 500 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: a football game, and she's like, I can't do There's 501 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,960 Speaker 1: like beer everywhere people are drinking. I can't be there. 502 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 1: I can't be there. And I say, well, money, why 503 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:16,639 Speaker 1: why why can't you be there? I can't be around 504 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,640 Speaker 1: I can't be I can't go to bars, I can't 505 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 1: I can't go to sporting but I can't go. And 506 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,520 Speaker 1: I said, well, sweetheart, if if you think that you 507 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,640 Speaker 1: can live the rest of your life not ever being 508 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,080 Speaker 1: around alcohol at all, ever, you're gonna like really not 509 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,760 Speaker 1: be able to leave your living room. You've got to 510 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:36,399 Speaker 1: learn how to internalize that bubble and internalize all of 511 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,040 Speaker 1: that stuff to where you can maintain that and be 512 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,400 Speaker 1: levels set and expose yourself to all of these triggers 513 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,600 Speaker 1: and be able to come out of that just fine. 514 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:48,159 Speaker 1: And don't ask or expect or want the whole world 515 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 1: to not drink bud light. If you're in the room, 516 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 1: they're gonna do it. And that's okay, that's okay they can't. 517 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 1: But you are still safe. And so when I say 518 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 1: things like, oh, that's important, I think you're just saying like, 519 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: they're still gonna drink it and you are still safe. Yeah, 520 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,720 Speaker 1: and and and it does not threaten your safety. It's yes, 521 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 1: and it's not either or. Everybody else is still very 522 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,160 Speaker 1: much free to live their life and make their choices 523 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,919 Speaker 1: just like you are. And them making their choices for 524 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:19,800 Speaker 1: their life truly truly doesn't have to clothesline or completely 525 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,919 Speaker 1: derail your own prom It's okay, it's okay. And I 526 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,959 Speaker 1: think that that is where you see a lot of 527 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:29,200 Speaker 1: people kind of relapse. They don't have either the resources 528 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: or the support or even like, in this weird way, 529 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 1: the permission. Yeah. Well, because what I had to do 530 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:39,520 Speaker 1: kind of heard and a lot of that is this 531 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,920 Speaker 1: belief is created that safety is a percent dependent on 532 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:48,480 Speaker 1: our environment versus dangerous stuff. And yes, versus safety is 533 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,640 Speaker 1: something that I create within myself. And when I heard 534 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,720 Speaker 1: that from somebody, that was really game changing because I 535 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 1: kind of had that experience of like, oh, safety isn't 536 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: when I've had ten experiences where I've hung out with 537 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:06,720 Speaker 1: my family and nobody's mentioned that I look skinny or 538 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 1: that oh look at this I don't know example of 539 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,240 Speaker 1: some kind of diet that I'm doing, Like, that's not safety. 540 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,840 Speaker 1: Of that note, safety is that, like I know certain 541 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,240 Speaker 1: things to be true within myself, then I believe that 542 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: I'm capable of certain things that I know what I 543 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: need versus these people are behaving the way I want 544 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 1: them to behave that's right, And you see it pop 545 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: up a lot in relationship right, and this will probably 546 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 1: be something that I will struggle with the rest of 547 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:33,880 Speaker 1: my life. Is just sort of that codependent little kind 548 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,080 Speaker 1: of twice kind of kind of bangs around in the 549 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 1: back of your brain, like I'm only okay if you're 550 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:41,080 Speaker 1: okay with me, if you're happy with me and you 551 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 1: like me, then I feel safe. Well, that's given you 552 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:47,520 Speaker 1: a lot of power, But like I need to be 553 00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: able to feel safe even if you are upset with me, 554 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,120 Speaker 1: even if you don't like me, even if I try 555 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:56,160 Speaker 1: to play with your hair and you yell assault and 556 00:29:56,240 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 1: fire and run out of room. You're still until the 557 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:10,440 Speaker 1: lawsuit hits. But it's but it shows up everywhere, right, 558 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,840 Speaker 1: Like we try to put our safety in other things 559 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 1: or other people or ideas or environments, and it really does. 560 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,680 Speaker 1: I think that's where we get tripped up. Okay, I 561 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 1: like that you said that with relationships because this is 562 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,360 Speaker 1: a little off topic, but it is on topic, you know, 563 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,960 Speaker 1: the experience of I'm sure you have clients like this 564 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:36,760 Speaker 1: where they're dating and the whole focus pre date is 565 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:40,000 Speaker 1: is this person going to like me? Versus do like 566 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:43,800 Speaker 1: this person? And so you go into this this date 567 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 1: without a strong sense of I would say safety using 568 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,600 Speaker 1: that language or like a sense of self or any 569 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:52,680 Speaker 1: of that, but what will use safety? You go into 570 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:55,240 Speaker 1: that date without it, and then let's say they they 571 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:58,800 Speaker 1: don't text you. Then it is in session next week 572 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:03,000 Speaker 1: talking to their therapist. Horrible, what's wrong with me? Terrible? 573 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 1: What did I do wrong? And it is like speaking 574 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:11,440 Speaker 1: a unknown language to somebody when you say, what if 575 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:15,960 Speaker 1: you didn't do anything wrong? What if? Sometimes people just 576 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 1: don't like you because you're not compatible or because it 577 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:21,680 Speaker 1: just is what it is. There doesn't have to be 578 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:26,240 Speaker 1: a underlying reason. And that's okay, because not everybody is 579 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:30,760 Speaker 1: going to like you, and that is just reality. That's right, 580 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,840 Speaker 1: that's it's impossible. If everybody were to like me, then 581 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: I would have to be the most inauthentic person in 582 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:41,320 Speaker 1: the world. Well you wouldn't even be one person, Yes, exactly. 583 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,400 Speaker 1: It would be really sorry. It reminds me of um. 584 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: I work with a lot of higher profile actors, celebrities, 585 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,040 Speaker 1: things like that, and a lot of these folks when 586 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:53,640 Speaker 1: they first start out and they're kind of auditioning for parts, 587 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 1: they don't get it and it's like, well, I'm I'm 588 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,680 Speaker 1: a horrible I was horrible in my audition made it't 589 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:01,400 Speaker 1: like me. I was too fat, was too thin, I 590 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:03,480 Speaker 1: was too loud, I was too quiet, all these things. 591 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,400 Speaker 1: And I'm like, maybe that director already had a very 592 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: specific idea of that character and what he wanted that 593 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:14,080 Speaker 1: character to look like, sound like, the height, haircut, all 594 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,120 Speaker 1: of it, and he just is waiting for that person 595 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,200 Speaker 1: to walk in the room. He's waiting for that person 596 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:22,160 Speaker 1: to walk in the room. It just wasn't you that 597 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,360 Speaker 1: that conception was there before you even found out there 598 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,880 Speaker 1: was an audition, before you're in there. Also, somebody said 599 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,160 Speaker 1: something to me a while back about you know, in 600 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 1: the in dating context, right, like to find your person, 601 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:37,840 Speaker 1: you're gonna have to say no to the other people. 602 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,360 Speaker 1: Otherwise you have to say no. Of course, it's not 603 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: a way that's how you find your your person. I 604 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,680 Speaker 1: love thinking about that, Like I can sit there and 605 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: think about that for a while, so many hours, because yes, 606 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:56,280 Speaker 1: for if I'm looking for one person, now, I do 607 00:32:56,360 --> 00:33:00,000 Speaker 1: believe that I could probably be okay with altiple people. 608 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 1: But if I'm looking for one person to settle down with, 609 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:05,400 Speaker 1: that means I am saying no to a lot of 610 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,240 Speaker 1: the other person in the world. A lot of people 611 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:09,840 Speaker 1: a lot of suff and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong. 612 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,040 Speaker 1: They're wonderful. It's just not what you're particularly looking for for, yes, 613 00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:18,160 Speaker 1: and that's okay. Yes, so, And I think that when 614 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:21,040 Speaker 1: you have the experience, when you finally are like I 615 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,920 Speaker 1: get it, it's like, how did I not get that? Right? 616 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,600 Speaker 1: I know, I know, but I do like that example 617 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,080 Speaker 1: of the with the acting of oh my gosh, I 618 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,200 Speaker 1: must be bad, and it's like, no, you're wonderful. You 619 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,440 Speaker 1: could be perfect for this part and the worst option 620 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:40,560 Speaker 1: for that part, and it's okay, it's okay, okay. So 621 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:43,400 Speaker 1: we got a little bit off topic. But what we 622 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:46,960 Speaker 1: like about this so we kind of touched on the 623 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:52,200 Speaker 1: idea that like, okay, there's a hole in this treatment world. 624 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:54,720 Speaker 1: We set people up, we give them all these things, 625 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 1: they do all this, and they get out of treatment 626 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:03,040 Speaker 1: ready to go, and then it's almost like people drown 627 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,200 Speaker 1: in your eyes seeing this happen over and over and 628 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,839 Speaker 1: even having your own experience, going back to the idea 629 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:14,760 Speaker 1: of potions, where can we as a mental health field 630 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:17,920 Speaker 1: and humans they can be two different answers. Where can 631 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 1: we fill in that gap of treatment sets us up well? 632 00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,280 Speaker 1: But also sets us up to fail in the real world. 633 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:27,840 Speaker 1: Where can we fill in those holes? How can we 634 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,520 Speaker 1: fill in those I mean, I love that, I think 635 00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:32,640 Speaker 1: especially if anybody's listening who is in an outpatient role. 636 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:36,000 Speaker 1: I alright, I'm just gonna get on my little soapbox 637 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:39,160 Speaker 1: for just a second. We love that, and it's a 638 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:42,240 Speaker 1: little rickety, but you know it still holds me and 639 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:47,759 Speaker 1: say that we are a capitalist economy, right, America is 640 00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:50,360 Speaker 1: all about the individual. It's the American dream, right like 641 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:52,359 Speaker 1: you can rise up out of anything and create your 642 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 1: own path and make your own way. I love that. 643 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,920 Speaker 1: It's a it's beautiful, it's awesome. You see people do 644 00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:00,200 Speaker 1: it all the time. It's incredible. However, Comma, I think 645 00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:05,000 Speaker 1: that that individualistic sort of nature that we are as 646 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 1: a country, as a culture, has really trickled into mental health. 647 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:12,080 Speaker 1: So here's what I mean by that. I can scoop 648 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:14,680 Speaker 1: you up, kat and I can do amazing work with 649 00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:18,799 Speaker 1: you as an individual in the context of our conversations 650 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,120 Speaker 1: and our sessions and our work. Homie, it is all 651 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:25,719 Speaker 1: about you. Where we're falling short. I think as a 652 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,600 Speaker 1: field as a profession, where we're really letting people down. 653 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:32,560 Speaker 1: We're not teaching people how to function in a system 654 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: and reminding them that it isn't all about you. The 655 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:40,719 Speaker 1: world is not all about you. It's not all about you. 656 00:35:40,719 --> 00:35:43,799 Speaker 1: You are a part of something way way bigger. And 657 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:47,200 Speaker 1: so it's again, it's not either or, it's yes and 658 00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:50,720 Speaker 1: yes in your bubble and your heart and your life. 659 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,319 Speaker 1: Of course, you need to put yourself first. Of course 660 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,640 Speaker 1: you've got to take care of your own needs, but 661 00:35:55,800 --> 00:36:01,080 Speaker 1: not to the detriment of others. Right, So it's yes 662 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:05,040 Speaker 1: and yes. Maintain your recovery. Yes, do what you've got 663 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,400 Speaker 1: to do for you, and understand that there's other people 664 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: with needs to there's other people with feelings, there's other 665 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,400 Speaker 1: people in the world. There's other people in your little systems, 666 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:15,840 Speaker 1: whether it's at school or your family or at work, 667 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:20,600 Speaker 1: and you were a part of that. That idea has 668 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:26,880 Speaker 1: been i'll speak personally versus professionally, really helpful because I 669 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,360 Speaker 1: was one of those people, which this is a natural 670 00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:33,080 Speaker 1: thing I want people to hear, who was so resentful 671 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:38,440 Speaker 1: of the world when it came to just diet, culture, mentality, 672 00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:42,480 Speaker 1: totally so resentful, and looking back on it, I wonder 673 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,799 Speaker 1: if there's a part of me that's like really did 674 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,759 Speaker 1: think like the world was out to get me. Well 675 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:50,840 Speaker 1: it feels that way. It does, Like my family is 676 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:52,840 Speaker 1: out to get me. Everybody hates me. Yeah, why do 677 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 1: they want me to fail? What's wrong with me? And 678 00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:00,520 Speaker 1: hearing you say that and applying some stuff in my 679 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:05,400 Speaker 1: own life I think has allowed me to have healthy 680 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 1: boundaries but not rigid relationships, because the initial desire is 681 00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:17,120 Speaker 1: cut those people off. That's right, cut those places off. 682 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:19,959 Speaker 1: I can never go to a gym again. I never 683 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:25,000 Speaker 1: can watch a TV show again. I can never be 684 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:29,120 Speaker 1: self deprecating anyway, Like, I can't like everything so serious. 685 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:32,160 Speaker 1: I can't exhale and just relax into my life. I 686 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:36,600 Speaker 1: can't have Yeah, So now I see when I think 687 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:40,200 Speaker 1: that I would have taken personally, Now I see as 688 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,200 Speaker 1: things that have nothing to do with me, for example, 689 00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: for I think this is something that people probably can 690 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,319 Speaker 1: relate to more So, I'm not saying that this mom, 691 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:49,279 Speaker 1: if you're listening, and I'm not attacking you right now, 692 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:54,000 Speaker 1: but like, let's say that my mom was somebody who 693 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:57,360 Speaker 1: every week was like, which she didn't do this, so 694 00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:59,359 Speaker 1: I feel safe saying this, but like who every week 695 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:01,480 Speaker 1: was like. I found this new diet that I think 696 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:05,400 Speaker 1: will work for you, or every week, hey, I started 697 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:11,440 Speaker 1: this new cleans. It is not about my mom trying 698 00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:15,640 Speaker 1: to fix something that's wrong with me. That can be 699 00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,880 Speaker 1: something that is all about my mom who's working on 700 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:22,080 Speaker 1: their own stuff. And who am I to say as 701 00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:26,919 Speaker 1: an bystander that they're doing their life wrong exactly now? 702 00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,920 Speaker 1: If my mom's coming to me and asking for feedback 703 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,960 Speaker 1: and help and whatever, I might be like. I might 704 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 1: be like, well, this behavior seems a little often like 705 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:36,799 Speaker 1: I wonder if this says But that's what I do 706 00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,440 Speaker 1: for my job. That's why I can give that feedback 707 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:42,920 Speaker 1: to clients. But who am I to say when it 708 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:46,879 Speaker 1: comes to the world that what everybody is doing because 709 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:50,279 Speaker 1: it didn't work for me, it isn't allowed to be 710 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:52,160 Speaker 1: what works for them in that moment. Because what I 711 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:56,200 Speaker 1: know about addiction, and I don't want people to hear 712 00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:59,640 Speaker 1: something I'm not saying. I'm not saying that addiction is good, 713 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:01,799 Speaker 1: but what I do know about it is it is 714 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:04,320 Speaker 1: a solution to a problem that works for a period 715 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:06,960 Speaker 1: of time, and then it stops working and we have 716 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,680 Speaker 1: a hard time accepting that it's right. So my eating 717 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:13,520 Speaker 1: disorder worked for me for a period of time, and 718 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:17,239 Speaker 1: it could have saved somebody's life at one point. And 719 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:20,080 Speaker 1: who am I to say as a bystander, not as 720 00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:22,000 Speaker 1: a mental health professional, But who am I to say 721 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,200 Speaker 1: in that world to say like, you're wrong, you're wrong, 722 00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:26,680 Speaker 1: you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong, because if somebody said 723 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:28,040 Speaker 1: that to me at a certain point in my life, 724 00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:36,000 Speaker 1: it actually could have done more harm. Yeah, but who 725 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,440 Speaker 1: am I to say in that world to say like, 726 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:40,120 Speaker 1: you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong, 727 00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:41,959 Speaker 1: because if somebody said that to me at a certain 728 00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:45,120 Speaker 1: point in my life, it actually could have done more harm. Totally. 729 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:47,520 Speaker 1: And I love that you said it's a solution until 730 00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:50,880 Speaker 1: it's not. I think that this kind of stuff creeps 731 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,680 Speaker 1: up on you, right, Like you don't wake up one 732 00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:54,920 Speaker 1: day and have an eating disorder. You don't wake up 733 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,359 Speaker 1: one day addicted alcohol. It I'm I guess. I mean 734 00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:00,680 Speaker 1: that could happen, I guess, But typically it's it's more actual, right, 735 00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:04,839 Speaker 1: Like it's a so we're looking to medicate something on 736 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,440 Speaker 1: the inside, right, because the inside is not settled in 737 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:14,960 Speaker 1: safe right. And yes, they look like beautiful, convenient, quick solutions, 738 00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:18,680 Speaker 1: but they're very maladaptive solutions. Just because they're maladaptive doesn't 739 00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,200 Speaker 1: mean it's not working. It's working. It's not gonna work 740 00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:24,439 Speaker 1: out well in the long run, but it's working right now. 741 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,400 Speaker 1: Right Like if I, you know, put down a bottle 742 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:27,719 Speaker 1: of wine, I'm going to fill all right for a 743 00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:29,399 Speaker 1: little while until I wake up tomorrow, and I feel 744 00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:32,160 Speaker 1: like ship but like it works until it's right. So 745 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,480 Speaker 1: I like the way that you phrase that. And when 746 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,680 Speaker 1: I when I work with clients who are in any 747 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:43,280 Speaker 1: kind of addiction recovery process, whether it's a chemical dependency 748 00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,279 Speaker 1: or process addiction, like an eating disorder, I try to 749 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:50,319 Speaker 1: never demonize the addiction. I almost have gratitude for my 750 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:54,360 Speaker 1: eating disorder. It got me through some pretty rough stuff. 751 00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:58,480 Speaker 1: It really, it might have saved me for a little while, right, 752 00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:00,960 Speaker 1: But then that the addictive nature of all of the 753 00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:04,240 Speaker 1: diet ing and the restrict all the stuff right grabs 754 00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:05,480 Speaker 1: a hold of your brain and then you're not in 755 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,080 Speaker 1: charge of it anymore, and it's in charge of you. 756 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:08,640 Speaker 1: And then it's like, oh my god, and then you 757 00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:11,080 Speaker 1: face plants. So it's it's it's a whole it's a 758 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,279 Speaker 1: whole system. And I think to you know. To bring 759 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,640 Speaker 1: it back to what you were saying before too, I 760 00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:21,440 Speaker 1: will always need to maintain maintain my own recovery simultaneously 761 00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:25,239 Speaker 1: with like like understanding simultaneously that it's not all about me. 762 00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:28,040 Speaker 1: There are billions of other people in the world, and 763 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:31,640 Speaker 1: each little life is all about them too. So I, yes, 764 00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:33,560 Speaker 1: I have to take care of myself, and yes, I've 765 00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,160 Speaker 1: got to prioritize my recovery process. Of course I do. 766 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:40,200 Speaker 1: And I have to honor everybody else's process and everybody 767 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:44,040 Speaker 1: else's experience, because there is no one right experience to have, 768 00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:46,000 Speaker 1: which goes back to what you said in the very beginning, 769 00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:48,799 Speaker 1: there's not a manual, So God, that'd be so great, right, Yeah, 770 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:50,720 Speaker 1: But that's why when we see things that are similar 771 00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:53,279 Speaker 1: in other people, it's like, let me tell you that 772 00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:55,160 Speaker 1: how that was a problem for me, and how I 773 00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:57,479 Speaker 1: stopped and why this and I did at this point 774 00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,720 Speaker 1: and okay, but they very well get to the point 775 00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:03,359 Speaker 1: that you got but it but maybe not and that's 776 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,839 Speaker 1: not for us, and that's okay, And that's okay. I 777 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:11,560 Speaker 1: can still have my safety without solving everybody else's issues. Yes, 778 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,600 Speaker 1: And I think a succinct way to kind of think 779 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,080 Speaker 1: about that is, someone else's right to self determination doesn't 780 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:21,160 Speaker 1: threaten mine. Oh, that's good. We all say that again. 781 00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:24,600 Speaker 1: We all have the right to self determination, right, so 782 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:28,120 Speaker 1: your right to self determination doesn't threaten my right to myself. 783 00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:30,839 Speaker 1: It's it's both we can we that it can all 784 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:35,200 Speaker 1: exist altogether. That's so good. That is everybody write that 785 00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:38,880 Speaker 1: down and when you're hyper focusing on everybody else, you 786 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,040 Speaker 1: go back. They've got the right to make their decisions. 787 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:44,000 Speaker 1: Just now, I will say this, We don't have the 788 00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:48,000 Speaker 1: right to hurt other people. We don't have the right 789 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:51,080 Speaker 1: to How do I say it? Like, like I have 790 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,680 Speaker 1: I have the right to feel angry, but I don't 791 00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:55,560 Speaker 1: have the right to punch you in the Facebook caause 792 00:42:55,560 --> 00:43:00,000 Speaker 1: I'm angry. Yes, So, so I think there's an ownership 793 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:02,160 Speaker 1: and there's an accountability that's kind of being lost with 794 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:05,400 Speaker 1: a lot of mental health stuff this these days. Right, 795 00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,520 Speaker 1: So it's like I have to own my self determination 796 00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:13,600 Speaker 1: without threatening without imposing a threat on someone else as well. Okay, 797 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:15,399 Speaker 1: so this is coming up in my head right now 798 00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:17,160 Speaker 1: and I want to say this and tease us out. 799 00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:21,480 Speaker 1: So we started talking about this, like loneliness epidemic in 800 00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:24,359 Speaker 1: the world right outside of the conversation we're having now, 801 00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:27,400 Speaker 1: and then we're having this conversation about how you know, 802 00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,279 Speaker 1: people who will go to treatment get set up to 803 00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:33,280 Speaker 1: fail and they they they come back into the world, 804 00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:39,160 Speaker 1: and we start to pick apart the world and the 805 00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:40,960 Speaker 1: issue with that because as I was thinking about that, 806 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:44,640 Speaker 1: I was like, wait, okay, if we are then creating 807 00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:51,520 Speaker 1: more individualism within ourselves outside of treatment, then am I 808 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,800 Speaker 1: setting myself up to be more lonely? But the answer 809 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:59,160 Speaker 1: is no, because going back to what I said when 810 00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:02,959 Speaker 1: I said, I been able to have better relationships because 811 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:04,680 Speaker 1: I can have boundaries, but it doesn't need to be 812 00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:08,279 Speaker 1: so rigid. That's the whole, and I hope this is 813 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:10,719 Speaker 1: making sense to everybody, but that's the whole. Where I 814 00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:13,680 Speaker 1: come out of treatment and it's either black or white, 815 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:16,560 Speaker 1: it's either yes or no, and so I very often 816 00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:19,759 Speaker 1: become very secluded and because to stay safe, I have 817 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,920 Speaker 1: to stay alone because other people threaten my recovery. But 818 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:26,040 Speaker 1: the solution is no, you can be in relationship with 819 00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:30,360 Speaker 1: people and their stuff that doesn't match with your exact 820 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:35,640 Speaker 1: stuff doesn't have to threaten your safety or your decision. 821 00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:38,720 Speaker 1: So how do I learn how to sit in that 822 00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:41,600 Speaker 1: space where there are people that are going to disagree 823 00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:43,840 Speaker 1: with me. There's people that are going to behave differently 824 00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,040 Speaker 1: than me. There are people that are going to just 825 00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:48,520 Speaker 1: have different sets of beliefs, which is a whole issue 826 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:51,640 Speaker 1: right now where we cannot tolerate it. Can We cannot 827 00:44:51,719 --> 00:44:54,919 Speaker 1: tolerate anybody who doesn't agree with every single thing you say. 828 00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:59,080 Speaker 1: What you just said, that is the epicenter of some centeredness. Yeah, 829 00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:03,120 Speaker 1: that's the core of it. So what you'll find typically 830 00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:08,520 Speaker 1: is folks who are very insecure in their recovery. I 831 00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:10,839 Speaker 1: don't I call it baby deer legs. They're just kind 832 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,839 Speaker 1: of they're new, They're a little bit shaky, um, they're 833 00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:16,560 Speaker 1: not quite ready to stand it there. Not a tall 834 00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,960 Speaker 1: oak tree kind of kind of presence yet within themselves 835 00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:21,759 Speaker 1: right kind of I was there, We're all there when 836 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,560 Speaker 1: we get out of it. At that point in your recovery, 837 00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,080 Speaker 1: you do need to surround yourself with folks that mirror 838 00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:31,200 Speaker 1: are recovered life back to you until you get a 839 00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:34,120 Speaker 1: little stronger in your own recovery, and then you gotta 840 00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:37,719 Speaker 1: kind of start to join join other right and not 841 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:41,760 Speaker 1: limit yourself. It's the same thing with folks who cannot 842 00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:46,160 Speaker 1: tolerate other And this is a whole other podcast. Religious beliefs, 843 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:49,200 Speaker 1: political belief in any anybody who thinks or feels, or 844 00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:51,600 Speaker 1: reacts that things differently than me. I can't tolerate it 845 00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:54,279 Speaker 1: if I'm insecure with what I think and feel. I 846 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,640 Speaker 1: have baby deer legs with my opinions, I have baby 847 00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,480 Speaker 1: deer legs with my reactions to that. I'm still getting 848 00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,720 Speaker 1: to know this part of myself, etcetera, etceteratera. At that point, 849 00:46:03,760 --> 00:46:07,600 Speaker 1: you cannot tolerate anything but a mirror. You have to 850 00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:09,920 Speaker 1: have that mirror back to you. Right, So it's like 851 00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:12,040 Speaker 1: I'm okay, right, this is okay that I think this 852 00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:13,480 Speaker 1: and I feel this and I do right right Like 853 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,319 Speaker 1: you do it too, right, you gotta do it too. Wait, 854 00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:20,560 Speaker 1: you don't do it. Get out. But like, the more 855 00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:23,880 Speaker 1: the more like security become in your recovery process, the 856 00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:28,960 Speaker 1: more you become secure in what you truly know to 857 00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:32,120 Speaker 1: be true about you. I really believe it comes down 858 00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:34,960 Speaker 1: to a core safety. The safer you feel on the 859 00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:38,000 Speaker 1: inside on the inside, the more you can tolerate on 860 00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,880 Speaker 1: the It's like, okay, because it's not a threat, it's cool. 861 00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:44,000 Speaker 1: I got you girl, Like, it's it's cool you think differently, 862 00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:47,080 Speaker 1: or you do life differently, or you know you do 863 00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:50,560 Speaker 1: sugar free this or gluten front. Okay, cool. I don't 864 00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:52,960 Speaker 1: need that mirror back to me anymore because I'm so 865 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,359 Speaker 1: safe on the inside with me and who I am 866 00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:57,560 Speaker 1: and what I need that I can love you for 867 00:46:57,640 --> 00:47:00,239 Speaker 1: exactly who and what you are, and that's wonderful. You 868 00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:04,960 Speaker 1: know what I did. Oh, I'm cringing. And if my 869 00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:08,080 Speaker 1: friends are listening to this, you're like probably sitting there 870 00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:09,960 Speaker 1: about to sit there and say, I've been waiting for 871 00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:12,160 Speaker 1: you to say that. But when you said that thing 872 00:47:12,160 --> 00:47:17,239 Speaker 1: about sugar free, I remember very clearly when I'm like 873 00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:19,800 Speaker 1: in my I probably was baby dear likes but I 874 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:26,520 Speaker 1: thought it, but I was, Yes, I am so empowered 875 00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,799 Speaker 1: and I am woke and I'm this and that, and 876 00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:34,120 Speaker 1: I like, wouldn't let my friends say things about themselves 877 00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:38,359 Speaker 1: like I feel ugly or I even things like does 878 00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:41,960 Speaker 1: this do these genes make my legs look this way? 879 00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:46,160 Speaker 1: Or I wouldn't let them say anything that has anything 880 00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:49,200 Speaker 1: to do with them having any insecurity. I would like, 881 00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:52,040 Speaker 1: you can't say that, And I know where it came from. 882 00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:53,759 Speaker 1: It comes from this place of like, I want my 883 00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:57,239 Speaker 1: friends to talk well about themselves. I want us to 884 00:47:57,400 --> 00:48:00,360 Speaker 1: be focusing on what's good. I don't want my friends 885 00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,400 Speaker 1: to think that that what they look like is the 886 00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:05,120 Speaker 1: most important thing about them. Like I understand where that 887 00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:09,120 Speaker 1: came from, but that had to have been so freaking 888 00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:12,000 Speaker 1: annoying because it is part of the human experience to 889 00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:14,759 Speaker 1: be insecure about certain things. And I don't have to 890 00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:20,000 Speaker 1: act like I am totally a hundred and fifteent obsessed 891 00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:23,160 Speaker 1: with every single part of myself to be in recovery, 892 00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:27,600 Speaker 1: like I can actually not like what something looks like 893 00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:33,200 Speaker 1: my body. I'm like, you are female an American, right, 894 00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:35,360 Speaker 1: it's in our d n a to not like the 895 00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:37,799 Speaker 1: like stuff about the way we look. But you don't 896 00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,080 Speaker 1: have to go nose diving into an eating disorder about 897 00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,800 Speaker 1: it exactly. It's like, what am I going to give it? 898 00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:47,440 Speaker 1: But not not allowing people to have their experience is 899 00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:51,920 Speaker 1: so not necessary Because my friend thinking something it really 900 00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:54,600 Speaker 1: was about me. I think it goes back to like 901 00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:57,640 Speaker 1: when people say that around me, around me, I feel 902 00:48:57,640 --> 00:49:00,360 Speaker 1: like I then start thinking about my stuff and what 903 00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:03,960 Speaker 1: I'm insecure about. And I needed to learn that, like, Hey, 904 00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:06,439 Speaker 1: I can hold my insecurities and also hold the things 905 00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:08,760 Speaker 1: I'm confident about, Like, let's say something that my friend 906 00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:11,279 Speaker 1: is insecure about on their body I don't really care 907 00:49:11,320 --> 00:49:13,640 Speaker 1: about on mine. I can hold those things to be 908 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:16,759 Speaker 1: true even though it's not their truth. And I am 909 00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,120 Speaker 1: finally to a point where I can do that. And 910 00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:22,200 Speaker 1: I am telling you I don't think I could have 911 00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:25,359 Speaker 1: done recovery that way. It was so freaking exhausting all 912 00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:28,799 Speaker 1: the time to be hyper focused on what every else 913 00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,160 Speaker 1: is saying, what every else is doing? What is again, 914 00:49:31,239 --> 00:49:34,120 Speaker 1: what's on the TV? Am I doing everything right? Am 915 00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:35,759 Speaker 1: I doing? Like? Oh, I shouldn't have that thought, I 916 00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:39,719 Speaker 1: shouldn't manual? Yes, And now I'm like, oh, I get 917 00:49:39,719 --> 00:49:43,240 Speaker 1: to be a human being who sometimes changes her outfit 918 00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:46,799 Speaker 1: four times a day because I can't find something that 919 00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:51,040 Speaker 1: I like. And I'm allowed to have a day where 920 00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:52,920 Speaker 1: I don't want to be in a picture, and I'm 921 00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:56,600 Speaker 1: allowed to have a moment where I'm having thoughts that 922 00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:58,560 Speaker 1: I don't want to have have but that does not 923 00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:00,880 Speaker 1: threaten the fact that I can make good decisions for 924 00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:03,719 Speaker 1: myself and also still love myself. And so I'm going 925 00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:06,880 Speaker 1: off on a tangent. But yeah, I think that is 926 00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,719 Speaker 1: very just so important for people to allow. It's it's 927 00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:14,600 Speaker 1: almost like I'm talking about something very simple, allow greatness 928 00:50:14,640 --> 00:50:19,600 Speaker 1: to exist in other people's lives, My life recovery. I 929 00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:21,239 Speaker 1: want to say something to that because I think it's 930 00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:24,799 Speaker 1: so important. In in my very humble opinion, I think 931 00:50:24,840 --> 00:50:28,560 Speaker 1: everything in the entire universe boils down to either love 932 00:50:29,200 --> 00:50:31,880 Speaker 1: or fear. Now, some people call it good and evil. 933 00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:36,759 Speaker 1: In my personal experience, it's love or fear. So, so 934 00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:40,200 Speaker 1: let me break down what you just said in that context, right, Like, 935 00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:43,560 Speaker 1: I have so much compassion for that stage of recovery 936 00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:47,000 Speaker 1: and the fear associated with it. Right, So the baby 937 00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:50,799 Speaker 1: deer legs, or the intolerance of things and people and 938 00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:55,520 Speaker 1: viewpoints and you know, behaviors around you. If I feel 939 00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:59,600 Speaker 1: the need to control everything, why do humans need a 940 00:50:59,640 --> 00:51:02,640 Speaker 1: false sense of control like that? Right? Scared? We're scared 941 00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:06,160 Speaker 1: to death? Okay, what am I scared of? Well, I'm 942 00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:10,200 Speaker 1: afraid of death. I'm afraid of being left out. I'm 943 00:51:10,239 --> 00:51:12,799 Speaker 1: afraid of not being loved. I'm afraid of not being 944 00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:19,000 Speaker 1: good enough. I'm afraid of not belonging, I'm afraid of etcetera. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Right, 945 00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:22,000 Speaker 1: so there's something on the inside that we are terrified 946 00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:25,600 Speaker 1: of that is fear based, that then will manifest in 947 00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:30,080 Speaker 1: these kind of controlling thoughts and controlling behaviors. We don't 948 00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:32,040 Speaker 1: really have a whole lot of control in this world 949 00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:34,799 Speaker 1: outside of ourselves. We just we just don't write so 950 00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:37,440 Speaker 1: the idea that we want to control everything around us. 951 00:51:37,480 --> 00:51:40,400 Speaker 1: I have so much compassion for that, because when you 952 00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:43,000 Speaker 1: pull that layer back, what's underneath it is somebody who's 953 00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:46,920 Speaker 1: scared to death, who doesn't yet have that really strong, 954 00:51:47,719 --> 00:51:52,640 Speaker 1: stoic oak tree of safety inside of them quite yet, right, 955 00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:57,600 Speaker 1: just yet, So all of this stuff boils down to fear. Now, 956 00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:02,239 Speaker 1: on the flip side of that coin, if I sit 957 00:52:02,320 --> 00:52:04,960 Speaker 1: back and let Cat make all of her decisions and 958 00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,399 Speaker 1: run her life the way she sees fit for her, 959 00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:10,640 Speaker 1: she's not infringing on me or my ability to make 960 00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:13,439 Speaker 1: my decisions or run my life. And sometimes we agree 961 00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:15,920 Speaker 1: on stuff, and sometimes we don't, and that's okay, But 962 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:19,320 Speaker 1: I never feel the need to control you. That boils 963 00:52:19,360 --> 00:52:22,560 Speaker 1: down to love and safety. Right, I'm safe on the inside, 964 00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:25,640 Speaker 1: So it's me and Cat instead of me or Cat 965 00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:28,160 Speaker 1: and I'm free to just love you. I just love 966 00:52:28,239 --> 00:52:31,880 Speaker 1: you and all of everything about you, And in my opinion, 967 00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:36,799 Speaker 1: it allows for a deeper type of relationship. And I 968 00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:39,799 Speaker 1: then allow you to teach me more about me by 969 00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:43,880 Speaker 1: being your friend and being in relationship with you. It 970 00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:47,319 Speaker 1: helps me grow. So in my opinion, everything you can 971 00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:49,319 Speaker 1: really do that with just abou Anything boil it down 972 00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:53,479 Speaker 1: to either love or fear, and fear is usually a lie. Yeah, 973 00:52:53,520 --> 00:52:56,920 Speaker 1: And I am like sitting here thinking about putting that 974 00:52:56,960 --> 00:52:59,719 Speaker 1: in context of all my relationships past and present and 975 00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:03,880 Speaker 1: how we're just scared. Yeah, I have a lot of 976 00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:06,960 Speaker 1: conversations to have with you off off of this podcast. 977 00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:08,839 Speaker 1: They're not we don't need to have them on here. 978 00:53:08,840 --> 00:53:11,160 Speaker 1: But yeah, that is so good. That's another thing that 979 00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:14,359 Speaker 1: you guys need to write down. You need to write 980 00:53:14,360 --> 00:53:18,120 Speaker 1: down the I can be safe like safeties within What 981 00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:20,279 Speaker 1: was the thing about myself to term your right to 982 00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:23,760 Speaker 1: self determination does not threaten mind? Okay? And then also 983 00:53:24,040 --> 00:53:27,560 Speaker 1: things boiled down to fear and fear is usually just 984 00:53:27,600 --> 00:53:29,960 Speaker 1: in our own minds. Yes, it's not even it's not 985 00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:33,400 Speaker 1: even happening. It's real. You also said this when we 986 00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:35,839 Speaker 1: were in California, said like anxiety is not real. It's 987 00:53:35,880 --> 00:53:38,440 Speaker 1: not real. Yes, I know. I love that because so 988 00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:40,480 Speaker 1: many people will fight me out there like, yes it is, 989 00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:42,879 Speaker 1: I feel it. I medicated for it. I'm like, yeah, girl, 990 00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:44,920 Speaker 1: I can bill insurance with it. But that doesn't make 991 00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:48,279 Speaker 1: it like a like a real thing, Like where do 992 00:53:48,320 --> 00:53:51,279 Speaker 1: you mean, my girl? I feel it every you you 993 00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:54,640 Speaker 1: feel the effects of what we call anxiety. But it's 994 00:53:54,680 --> 00:53:57,000 Speaker 1: like a psych buzz word. It's real popular, it's a 995 00:53:57,120 --> 00:53:59,040 Speaker 1: D S M word. Now you know, you can get 996 00:53:59,040 --> 00:54:02,000 Speaker 1: pills for it and all that, but when you again, 997 00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:05,000 Speaker 1: when you pull that back, it's just this really unique 998 00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:09,920 Speaker 1: individual combination of anger and fear. That's what anxiety. It's 999 00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:13,560 Speaker 1: a combo, right, Yeah. I used to say anxiety as 1000 00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:16,960 Speaker 1: a fancy word for fear and dared. Yeah, and and 1001 00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:19,080 Speaker 1: like you said, to fear, a lot of it's stuff 1002 00:54:19,120 --> 00:54:21,160 Speaker 1: we make up in our head. It's right, what if? 1003 00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:23,560 Speaker 1: What if? What if? What if? And I say this 1004 00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:25,960 Speaker 1: all day to everybody. I'm like, guys, there's what if, 1005 00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:30,520 Speaker 1: and there's what is. If. Something starts with what if, 1006 00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:34,839 Speaker 1: that's in your imagination. That's why it starts with what if? 1007 00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:40,320 Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's how you know. Imagination fantasy from reality. 1008 00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:42,440 Speaker 1: There's what if and what is? And if it's what 1009 00:54:42,480 --> 00:54:45,920 Speaker 1: if any real, any real? You're making it up. It's 1010 00:54:45,920 --> 00:54:47,960 Speaker 1: the movie in your head. Come back out here with me. 1011 00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:51,480 Speaker 1: I miss you when you go away. Come out. I 1012 00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,880 Speaker 1: miss you so much. Come back. Oh my god. Okay, 1013 00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:58,399 Speaker 1: that's so good. Okay. So what we've done is we've 1014 00:54:58,560 --> 00:55:01,759 Speaker 1: identified kind of the hole in the treatment system and 1015 00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:04,360 Speaker 1: how it leaves us, you know, set up to fail 1016 00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:07,919 Speaker 1: even when we have really good intentions to succeed. And 1017 00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:11,760 Speaker 1: we've identified this solution which make sure that I'm getting 1018 00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,040 Speaker 1: this correct. A lot of it is the ability for 1019 00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:17,640 Speaker 1: me to maintain safety within myself and connection with people 1020 00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:20,200 Speaker 1: that aren't all on the same page as me at 1021 00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:30,680 Speaker 1: the same time. So, how have you seen this done 1022 00:55:31,560 --> 00:55:35,920 Speaker 1: in your professional life? Like, how have you seen and 1023 00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:39,239 Speaker 1: how would you encourage somebody to set themselves up to 1024 00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:42,840 Speaker 1: eventually get from that baby deer legs spot to the 1025 00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:46,240 Speaker 1: spot where I can stand? Love that question, great question. 1026 00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:50,200 Speaker 1: I don't know how people are going to feel about 1027 00:55:50,239 --> 00:55:52,200 Speaker 1: this answer, but I think it's just the truth. Okay. 1028 00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:56,160 Speaker 1: I like that. I think the most direct route to 1029 00:55:56,280 --> 00:56:00,839 Speaker 1: empowerment is personal accountability and responsibility. Now, When I talk 1030 00:56:00,920 --> 00:56:04,279 Speaker 1: to people about that, they hear it sometimes in a 1031 00:56:04,360 --> 00:56:08,799 Speaker 1: context of blame and fault, like you're to blame for this, 1032 00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:11,360 Speaker 1: or it's your fault for your life being that way. 1033 00:56:11,719 --> 00:56:14,759 Speaker 1: Kind of yeah, right, not in a bad way, in 1034 00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:18,919 Speaker 1: a good way. So the more I can zoom out 1035 00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:22,200 Speaker 1: and look at my life and really see the manifestation 1036 00:56:22,239 --> 00:56:25,200 Speaker 1: of all of my choices and decisions, yeah, I've made 1037 00:56:25,239 --> 00:56:27,200 Speaker 1: some pretty shitty ones. I think anybody who knows me 1038 00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:32,480 Speaker 1: knows that. But at the same time, it's in my control, 1039 00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:35,759 Speaker 1: which means that I then have all the power to 1040 00:56:35,840 --> 00:56:38,880 Speaker 1: change it, and I'm not sitting around waiting on somebody 1041 00:56:38,880 --> 00:56:41,000 Speaker 1: else or something else to happen. Like I don't have 1042 00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:43,879 Speaker 1: to wait. I get to step up and like make 1043 00:56:43,920 --> 00:56:47,640 Speaker 1: different choices to produce different outcome. Right. But before I 1044 00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:50,680 Speaker 1: can do that, really be empowered to make those choices, 1045 00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:54,040 Speaker 1: have to back up and take accountability for my choices. 1046 00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:57,279 Speaker 1: So it's like, well, I'm I'm in eating sort of 1047 00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:59,000 Speaker 1: recovery because my mom died it all the time, and 1048 00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,719 Speaker 1: my eating sort of totally her fault. Okay, yeah, maybe 1049 00:57:01,719 --> 00:57:04,560 Speaker 1: that's how it kicked off. But I'm an adult now, 1050 00:57:05,040 --> 00:57:06,960 Speaker 1: so now I have the power of choice. I'm not 1051 00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:10,279 Speaker 1: eight years old anymore. Right, Yeah, maybe that's how it 1052 00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:13,600 Speaker 1: all started, But why is it still sticking around? I 1053 00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:15,719 Speaker 1: need to make different choices for me, and I need 1054 00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:20,280 Speaker 1: to be empowered to make those choices. Yes, let me 1055 00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:22,960 Speaker 1: ask you a question. When we talk about accountability and 1056 00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:27,880 Speaker 1: responsibility defensiveness, pops, Oh my gosh, of course of why 1057 00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:32,240 Speaker 1: do you think that comes fear? Yeah, we're terrified, right, 1058 00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:34,320 Speaker 1: so you know if you look at me and you're 1059 00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,560 Speaker 1: like Corney, you need to take accountability and responsibility. I hear. 1060 00:57:37,600 --> 00:57:39,800 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm in trouble. Oh my god, I'm terrified. 1061 00:57:39,800 --> 00:57:41,720 Speaker 1: She hates me, she doesn't love me anymore. I'm not 1062 00:57:41,720 --> 00:57:44,760 Speaker 1: good enough. Wait, so what happens to guard me from 1063 00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:48,280 Speaker 1: that pain and that fear defensiveness. I'm gonna get angry, 1064 00:57:48,320 --> 00:57:51,120 Speaker 1: I'm gonna snap back, I'm gonna blame shift, I'm gonna 1065 00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:54,160 Speaker 1: start pointing fingers, I'm gonna defend my position. I'm gonna 1066 00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:57,320 Speaker 1: feel it's really really important for you to understand me. 1067 00:57:57,680 --> 00:58:02,200 Speaker 1: I'm good cat, and I'm need to justify that right now. 1068 00:58:02,240 --> 00:58:04,560 Speaker 1: Flip that coin over. If I'm safe on the inside 1069 00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:07,520 Speaker 1: and you saying to me court, you really need to 1070 00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:11,080 Speaker 1: take accountability and responsibility. I'd be like, oh god, maybe 1071 00:58:11,080 --> 00:58:13,200 Speaker 1: I do. Maybe there's some amends I need to make, 1072 00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:16,520 Speaker 1: maybe any okay, and I can recognize that as part 1073 00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:21,520 Speaker 1: of my humanity and stay safe. Nothing's threatened, there's I'm 1074 00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:24,040 Speaker 1: not afraid, if that makes sense. But before I can 1075 00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:28,960 Speaker 1: be peace filled enough to be empowered, I think there's 1076 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,400 Speaker 1: got you. We got a level set with accountability and 1077 00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:35,960 Speaker 1: responsibility and understand that we truly are responsible just for us. 1078 00:58:37,080 --> 00:58:40,720 Speaker 1: And that's an awesome thing. Yeah, I love that. I 1079 00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:45,040 Speaker 1: love you talking about that as a positive thing because 1080 00:58:45,040 --> 00:58:48,040 Speaker 1: when when things are I want to use the word fault, 1081 00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:51,360 Speaker 1: but I don't feel like that's right everybody. Yeah I 1082 00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:53,520 Speaker 1: have like ikey, I don't even want to say that word. 1083 00:58:53,520 --> 00:58:56,720 Speaker 1: But it's like when things are up well, then I 1084 00:58:56,800 --> 00:59:00,760 Speaker 1: can then do something about it, and that's a great thing. 1085 00:59:02,200 --> 00:59:04,080 Speaker 1: So what is it that we need to be doing? 1086 00:59:04,560 --> 00:59:06,600 Speaker 1: Like going back to the original question, So I take 1087 00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:10,080 Speaker 1: accountability and responsibility and that leads to what Yeah, it 1088 00:59:10,200 --> 00:59:14,560 Speaker 1: leads to freedom. So I think confidence and empowerment are 1089 00:59:14,680 --> 00:59:18,960 Speaker 1: very quiet. I think fear and insecurity are very loud. 1090 00:59:20,360 --> 00:59:24,280 Speaker 1: So when I feel activated and loud, and I'm I'm 1091 00:59:24,360 --> 00:59:27,520 Speaker 1: having a big, big feel about something. I'm probably scared 1092 00:59:27,520 --> 00:59:29,680 Speaker 1: shitless of something on the inside. So what I do 1093 00:59:29,760 --> 00:59:33,800 Speaker 1: is I have learned to recognize that almost chemical adrenaline 1094 00:59:33,800 --> 00:59:36,840 Speaker 1: like reaction in myself and I'll make yo. You need 1095 00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:40,000 Speaker 1: to sit on your hands, dude, Like, okay, self, you 1096 00:59:40,040 --> 00:59:43,600 Speaker 1: need a time out. Let this chemical Let this adrenaline 1097 00:59:43,680 --> 00:59:45,640 Speaker 1: drain out of your body, out of your toes. And 1098 00:59:45,640 --> 00:59:49,480 Speaker 1: when this passes, zoom out and like, okay, what something 1099 00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:53,360 Speaker 1: something just got clicked on in there? What is that? 1100 00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:55,200 Speaker 1: What am I afraid of? Okay, I have to write 1101 00:59:55,200 --> 00:59:56,800 Speaker 1: this down because I don't want to forget this, and 1102 00:59:56,840 --> 00:59:58,400 Speaker 1: you guys can't see my face, but I just might 1103 00:59:58,480 --> 01:00:01,920 Speaker 1: jaw dropped because that was so good. Say again. Confidence 1104 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:04,400 Speaker 1: and empowerment are very quiet. I think they're quiet. I 1105 01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:07,680 Speaker 1: think when someone's truly confident and truly empowered with who 1106 01:00:07,680 --> 01:00:11,120 Speaker 1: they are as an animal, as a spiritual being, having 1107 01:00:11,120 --> 01:00:14,880 Speaker 1: a human experience, I think it's a quiet, peace filled 1108 01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:18,320 Speaker 1: experience because you don't have anything to prove to anybody, 1109 01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:22,960 Speaker 1: especially yourself. I think the security are allowed. I think 1110 01:00:23,000 --> 01:00:27,240 Speaker 1: in security and fear are loud, they're deafening. They are 1111 01:00:27,320 --> 01:00:32,520 Speaker 1: in your face. They are self important. They can cripple yourself, 1112 01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:36,080 Speaker 1: and they can cripple other people there there space taking. 1113 01:00:36,120 --> 01:00:38,680 Speaker 1: They're just they're big, right, Well, of course, I mean, 1114 01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:41,560 Speaker 1: look at animals in the animal world when they're terrified. 1115 01:00:41,760 --> 01:00:44,360 Speaker 1: There's so many different animals that like puff up or 1116 01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:46,680 Speaker 1: raise up on their hind legs or they get real 1117 01:00:46,760 --> 01:00:50,480 Speaker 1: big enough. We're not any different. We're not any different, right. 1118 01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:53,960 Speaker 1: So what I have found is that if I'm having 1119 01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:58,040 Speaker 1: a reaction to something, a thought, I have something that's 1120 01:00:58,040 --> 01:01:00,560 Speaker 1: happened in the world, something that somebody else says, it's 1121 01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:05,640 Speaker 1: threatening that quiet empowerment that I have. Okay, that's okay, 1122 01:01:05,800 --> 01:01:07,560 Speaker 1: I just got to look at that. It's an arrow 1123 01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:10,240 Speaker 1: to redirect me to a piece of myself that I 1124 01:01:10,240 --> 01:01:12,360 Speaker 1: need to work on and look at, which never stops, 1125 01:01:12,360 --> 01:01:14,200 Speaker 1: like we never, we never get there or we never 1126 01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:17,160 Speaker 1: Like my god, I'm totally enlightened now, like it just 1127 01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:19,800 Speaker 1: it never stops. Right. There's always something new to learn, 1128 01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:23,160 Speaker 1: always something new to observe about yourself. But I think 1129 01:01:23,200 --> 01:01:26,320 Speaker 1: the goal is the trick is to observe it like 1130 01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:30,240 Speaker 1: a science experiment and not judge it. It's not bad, 1131 01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:34,080 Speaker 1: it's not wrong, it's just there. That's yeah, that's okay. 1132 01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:36,440 Speaker 1: I just take it's okay, it's cool, it's all right. 1133 01:01:36,520 --> 01:01:38,040 Speaker 1: Let's just take a look at it and be curious. 1134 01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:42,160 Speaker 1: Let's poke at it and see what flies out of there. Yeah, okay, 1135 01:01:42,280 --> 01:01:44,440 Speaker 1: we have more things for you to write down. This 1136 01:01:44,520 --> 01:01:47,240 Speaker 1: is probably the most notes you've ever taken in a podcast. 1137 01:01:47,240 --> 01:01:49,680 Speaker 1: Here the confidence and empowerment and very quiet that it 1138 01:01:49,760 --> 01:01:53,440 Speaker 1: gets so and then that whole idea of let's observe 1139 01:01:53,520 --> 01:01:55,880 Speaker 1: something and look at it like a science experiment. I 1140 01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:58,360 Speaker 1: always say to clients like, this is an experiment, Like 1141 01:01:58,400 --> 01:02:00,960 Speaker 1: what we're doing is we're experiment teen with things. But 1142 01:02:01,040 --> 01:02:04,880 Speaker 1: it's scary because experiment, the outcome of experiments are unknown, 1143 01:02:05,200 --> 01:02:07,920 Speaker 1: and we are wired to fear the unknown. I'll have 1144 01:02:08,000 --> 01:02:09,800 Speaker 1: a lot of it's really said, it's getting younger and 1145 01:02:09,840 --> 01:02:12,400 Speaker 1: younger now, but um, I mean down to like ten 1146 01:02:12,840 --> 01:02:15,360 Speaker 1: twelve year old moms will bring them in to work 1147 01:02:15,400 --> 01:02:18,000 Speaker 1: with me. I mean up until I think the oldest 1148 01:02:18,040 --> 01:02:20,760 Speaker 1: person I've ever worked with on this particular topic was 1149 01:02:20,760 --> 01:02:24,400 Speaker 1: in our sixties. I want to be confident, I wonderful 1150 01:02:24,440 --> 01:02:26,920 Speaker 1: confident or here my daughter is so insecure. I want 1151 01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:29,480 Speaker 1: I want to teach her to be confident. And my 1152 01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:33,800 Speaker 1: work with every single human is confidence isn't something I 1153 01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:38,240 Speaker 1: teach you. Confidence isn't something you learn. Confidence doesn't exist 1154 01:02:38,320 --> 01:02:42,800 Speaker 1: outside yourself. It's your natural state. Confident is how you 1155 01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:46,640 Speaker 1: came into this world. You learn to be afraid. You 1156 01:02:46,840 --> 01:02:50,480 Speaker 1: we learn social fears, right, Like if you do that 1157 01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,560 Speaker 1: on the playground, that makes you a bad girl. We 1158 01:02:53,680 --> 01:02:56,920 Speaker 1: learn what's we learn, what's we It's all learned. So 1159 01:02:56,960 --> 01:02:59,600 Speaker 1: what happens is each new thing we learned to be 1160 01:02:59,640 --> 01:03:03,880 Speaker 1: afraid stamps down, stamps down, shoves down, pushes down that 1161 01:03:04,120 --> 01:03:08,439 Speaker 1: natural confidence. So confidence is what buoy's up to the top. 1162 01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:11,640 Speaker 1: When you strip all the fear away, you don't work 1163 01:03:11,680 --> 01:03:16,880 Speaker 1: to get it, it's already there. You're working too hard, Yes, 1164 01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:20,360 Speaker 1: you're working too hard maintaining all these fears. And when 1165 01:03:20,360 --> 01:03:23,040 Speaker 1: the fear goes away, the confidence is like like comes 1166 01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:25,120 Speaker 1: right back up, and you're like, I'll pick a wedge 1167 01:03:25,200 --> 01:03:28,280 Speaker 1: at a restaurant. I don't care, I'm just kidding. Maybe 1168 01:03:28,280 --> 01:03:33,520 Speaker 1: I'm kidding, no, no, whatever, per cent. And if you 1169 01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:36,440 Speaker 1: guys are like, really apply this to your life, because 1170 01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:39,480 Speaker 1: how often do we hear building We have to build confidence? 1171 01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:40,600 Speaker 1: You have to build out. You have to build it, 1172 01:03:40,640 --> 01:03:43,160 Speaker 1: Like what are the we need the materials to build it. 1173 01:03:43,160 --> 01:03:45,080 Speaker 1: It's like no, no, no, no, it is built. We 1174 01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:49,200 Speaker 1: have to shed shed, shed, shed all of the learned 1175 01:03:49,280 --> 01:03:52,160 Speaker 1: fear shed it. It's not real. Somebody taught you that. 1176 01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:55,160 Speaker 1: Somebody taught you that as a control tactic, like ditch it, 1177 01:03:55,280 --> 01:03:58,160 Speaker 1: ditch it. It's in your way, it's in your way now. 1178 01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:00,280 Speaker 1: And again, like anything else, I think there was a 1179 01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:02,240 Speaker 1: time and a place for that. Like little kids, you know, 1180 01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:05,440 Speaker 1: you got to teach them how to function in a society. Absolutely, 1181 01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:08,160 Speaker 1: but it works until it doesn't work. And I think 1182 01:04:08,240 --> 01:04:13,680 Speaker 1: that sometimes fear, which should be used appropriately, right, we 1183 01:04:13,840 --> 01:04:15,960 Speaker 1: take it too far, just like socially, just like anything else, 1184 01:04:16,160 --> 01:04:19,520 Speaker 1: right where it becomes in control of us and it 1185 01:04:20,360 --> 01:04:23,640 Speaker 1: buries any kind of self awareness or confidence we have. 1186 01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:25,439 Speaker 1: And I hear this all the time too, like, well, 1187 01:04:26,360 --> 01:04:29,640 Speaker 1: I'm afraid to think something even positive of myself because 1188 01:04:29,880 --> 01:04:31,680 Speaker 1: that means I'm arrogant. And I don't want people to 1189 01:04:31,680 --> 01:04:33,800 Speaker 1: think like I'm a bit or I'm vain or whatever, 1190 01:04:33,840 --> 01:04:37,280 Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm a narcissist. No, narcissis aren't worried 1191 01:04:37,280 --> 01:04:39,880 Speaker 1: about being narcissist, right exactly, if you're asking that question, 1192 01:04:41,760 --> 01:04:45,360 Speaker 1: Noticing something or being confidable that you're good at or 1193 01:04:45,400 --> 01:04:49,280 Speaker 1: being confident in something is not arrogant. Thinking that that 1194 01:04:49,320 --> 01:04:53,720 Speaker 1: makes you better than everybody makes you arrogant. That's something 1195 01:04:54,160 --> 01:04:57,360 Speaker 1: totally different. Let me get your thought on this. This 1196 01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:01,920 Speaker 1: is cat right now, thoughts coming together trying to form yes. 1197 01:05:02,360 --> 01:05:05,440 Speaker 1: So a couple of weeks ago, I released a podcast 1198 01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:09,120 Speaker 1: talking about uh self forth versus self esteem and something 1199 01:05:09,120 --> 01:05:13,520 Speaker 1: that I know now and believe now about self esteem 1200 01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:17,640 Speaker 1: is it It is something that we have been taught 1201 01:05:17,680 --> 01:05:20,760 Speaker 1: we need to build, but it's something we build through 1202 01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:25,320 Speaker 1: outside experiences. Like my self esteem is higher if I'm 1203 01:05:25,360 --> 01:05:27,320 Speaker 1: the smartest in the class, or my self esteem is 1204 01:05:27,600 --> 01:05:30,400 Speaker 1: higher if somebody says I'm the prettiest in their room, 1205 01:05:30,480 --> 01:05:33,040 Speaker 1: or my self esteem is higher because it's something that 1206 01:05:33,080 --> 01:05:36,560 Speaker 1: I worked. And then I got the issue with that 1207 01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:39,760 Speaker 1: is that if self esteem comes when you're better, then 1208 01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:42,640 Speaker 1: only some people can have self esteem and some people can't. 1209 01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:45,600 Speaker 1: And then we're also like what you said, it's a 1210 01:05:45,640 --> 01:05:48,680 Speaker 1: difference between being like self confident and arrogant. It's like, 1211 01:05:48,760 --> 01:05:51,560 Speaker 1: I think I'm better than you because of this thing 1212 01:05:52,320 --> 01:05:53,919 Speaker 1: and so then it gets us in this trap where 1213 01:05:53,920 --> 01:05:56,360 Speaker 1: we always it's like a cycle where we always need 1214 01:05:56,400 --> 01:05:58,920 Speaker 1: to be building self esteem because it only lasts for 1215 01:05:58,960 --> 01:06:01,200 Speaker 1: a period of time. And then if we go from 1216 01:06:01,200 --> 01:06:03,800 Speaker 1: one room to another, they might care about my job, 1217 01:06:04,160 --> 01:06:07,040 Speaker 1: but they don't, so that I have to build something 1218 01:06:07,080 --> 01:06:13,040 Speaker 1: over here. Yes, and so I'm wondering, this is something 1219 01:06:13,080 --> 01:06:14,600 Speaker 1: that I want you guys that are listening, like, this 1220 01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:17,520 Speaker 1: is something I'm teasing now. Is there something we need 1221 01:06:17,560 --> 01:06:21,600 Speaker 1: to do about or study or think about when it 1222 01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:24,400 Speaker 1: comes to what we're focusing on, Like what's the difference 1223 01:06:24,400 --> 01:06:29,600 Speaker 1: between self esteem and confidence? Because confidence feels more connected 1224 01:06:29,600 --> 01:06:35,080 Speaker 1: to self worth. I inherently am worthy as a human being, period, Like, 1225 01:06:35,160 --> 01:06:37,000 Speaker 1: we don't have to make it any more complicated than 1226 01:06:37,040 --> 01:06:41,800 Speaker 1: that self esteem is I am good because kind of 1227 01:06:41,880 --> 01:06:46,240 Speaker 1: it's conditional, it's quantified, right, So when we're talking about confidence, 1228 01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,520 Speaker 1: we're saying, hey, you don't actually don't need the self esteem, 1229 01:06:49,600 --> 01:06:51,920 Speaker 1: Like that is a thing that we've made up correct 1230 01:06:52,120 --> 01:06:54,680 Speaker 1: to help people feel better about this themselves. And that 1231 01:06:54,880 --> 01:06:58,400 Speaker 1: is why we have maybe a narcissism epidemic right now, 1232 01:06:58,840 --> 01:07:02,080 Speaker 1: because we have been telling people in order to have confidence, 1233 01:07:02,680 --> 01:07:05,920 Speaker 1: you then have to be better than everybody versus. In 1234 01:07:06,000 --> 01:07:07,760 Speaker 1: order to have confidence, you just have to have stopped 1235 01:07:07,880 --> 01:07:09,600 Speaker 1: just being afraid that you're not good. You just have 1236 01:07:09,680 --> 01:07:13,400 Speaker 1: to be good. God, did that make sense? There's that? Yeah, 1237 01:07:13,680 --> 01:07:17,080 Speaker 1: you just have to be that's it. Yeah, Okay. I 1238 01:07:17,120 --> 01:07:19,040 Speaker 1: don't know if I'm gonna feel about myself saying this 1239 01:07:19,120 --> 01:07:21,000 Speaker 1: later in life, but I just feel like maybe we 1240 01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:23,800 Speaker 1: need to write a book called Nobody Cares about Yourself 1241 01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:28,680 Speaker 1: or like or like something like that, like that has 1242 01:07:28,720 --> 01:07:31,560 Speaker 1: to stop being well. I think you're right. And periods 1243 01:07:31,560 --> 01:07:34,320 Speaker 1: of my life where self esteem has been so crucial 1244 01:07:34,320 --> 01:07:37,040 Speaker 1: and critical to me, it's that it's that same idea 1245 01:07:37,120 --> 01:07:41,480 Speaker 1: where you look, it's you're seeking validation. You're looking for 1246 01:07:41,560 --> 01:07:44,160 Speaker 1: something or somebody outside of you to tell you that 1247 01:07:44,240 --> 01:07:47,080 Speaker 1: you're okay. And any phase of my life where I 1248 01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:48,840 Speaker 1: need that, I'm sure I'll have another one at some point. 1249 01:07:48,840 --> 01:07:50,840 Speaker 1: I mean, it comes and yours right, Like you don't 1250 01:07:50,960 --> 01:07:54,320 Speaker 1: arrive one day and everything's fixed. But during those seasons 1251 01:07:54,360 --> 01:07:56,880 Speaker 1: of my life, there's something I'm really scared of on 1252 01:07:56,920 --> 01:07:59,320 Speaker 1: the inside. I have a little bit of a different 1253 01:07:59,360 --> 01:08:03,520 Speaker 1: take on self, like being worthy. I don't think anybody's worthy. 1254 01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:06,360 Speaker 1: I don't think that's a real thing worthy of what 1255 01:08:06,680 --> 01:08:10,640 Speaker 1: who decides that it's there's still a barometer. I think 1256 01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:13,280 Speaker 1: that's all I don't think. I think we just simply are. 1257 01:08:13,800 --> 01:08:16,400 Speaker 1: I don't think anybody's good or bad, but that's who are? 1258 01:08:16,439 --> 01:08:19,080 Speaker 1: They are unworthy? I just think we are. I think 1259 01:08:19,080 --> 01:08:23,760 Speaker 1: there's choice in consequence. I like what you're saying, and 1260 01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:26,280 Speaker 1: I hear people being like, I don't know what to 1261 01:08:26,280 --> 01:08:29,720 Speaker 1: do with that, because that doesn't give me an answer, 1262 01:08:29,880 --> 01:08:32,320 Speaker 1: that doesn't give me a road map. And what you 1263 01:08:32,400 --> 01:08:35,960 Speaker 1: just said is baby, dear legs, that is and that's okay, 1264 01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:40,080 Speaker 1: that's okay. I have so much compassion for that. Guys 1265 01:08:40,160 --> 01:08:42,479 Speaker 1: listening that know me and know how I feel about this. 1266 01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:46,000 Speaker 1: This right here we're talking about coming from a very 1267 01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:50,240 Speaker 1: seasoned therapist that I highly respect. This is why I 1268 01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:55,599 Speaker 1: cannot stand people on the internet and who are selling 1269 01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:59,519 Speaker 1: you these books five steps to this? Who are these 1270 01:08:59,560 --> 01:09:02,960 Speaker 1: self help gurus? Who are I mean, sure you can 1271 01:09:03,000 --> 01:09:06,280 Speaker 1: be self proclaimed anything, and not everybody needs to have 1272 01:09:06,320 --> 01:09:08,320 Speaker 1: a degree from a school to be able to help people. 1273 01:09:08,880 --> 01:09:11,800 Speaker 1: But that is why I have such an issue, is 1274 01:09:11,840 --> 01:09:15,479 Speaker 1: because we're making ship up when we really need to 1275 01:09:15,479 --> 01:09:20,320 Speaker 1: be breaking things down. But people are uncomfortable with what 1276 01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:23,080 Speaker 1: you just said, and I think that naturally so right, 1277 01:09:23,120 --> 01:09:25,360 Speaker 1: I was uncomfortable when I first started to put put 1278 01:09:25,400 --> 01:09:27,200 Speaker 1: some of this stuff together. I'm like that, And here's 1279 01:09:27,240 --> 01:09:31,120 Speaker 1: why it makes me uncomfortable because I'm American, and I 1280 01:09:31,479 --> 01:09:34,839 Speaker 1: am programmed and trained to work and earn and achieve. 1281 01:09:34,920 --> 01:09:37,280 Speaker 1: And I'm thinking, wait a minute, so you're saying that, 1282 01:09:37,320 --> 01:09:39,720 Speaker 1: like I've built my whole life and my sense of 1283 01:09:39,720 --> 01:09:42,760 Speaker 1: self on this premise that like I can't earn, there's 1284 01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:45,280 Speaker 1: no roadmap. Wait, wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait 1285 01:09:45,280 --> 01:09:47,920 Speaker 1: a minute. And I had to take a lot of 1286 01:09:47,960 --> 01:09:50,559 Speaker 1: time and undo a lot of those messages and things 1287 01:09:50,560 --> 01:09:53,320 Speaker 1: that we learned. And of course, I mean, yeah, that's 1288 01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:56,800 Speaker 1: why I have so much compassion for folks new to 1289 01:09:56,920 --> 01:10:00,280 Speaker 1: this idea that you just get to be in. You're 1290 01:10:00,360 --> 01:10:06,000 Speaker 1: totally safe again as a spiritual creature having a human experience, 1291 01:10:06,640 --> 01:10:09,000 Speaker 1: and you're having the same experience we're all having in 1292 01:10:09,040 --> 01:10:11,840 Speaker 1: your own unique way. Because it's harder to unlearn things 1293 01:10:11,880 --> 01:10:14,360 Speaker 1: than to learn things. And that's where a lot where 1294 01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:17,759 Speaker 1: this all is coming from. And so it's the idea 1295 01:10:17,800 --> 01:10:19,679 Speaker 1: is like I can be happier by doing less. Wait 1296 01:10:19,720 --> 01:10:23,400 Speaker 1: a minute, I'm working too hard. Wait a minute, I'm 1297 01:10:23,439 --> 01:10:28,880 Speaker 1: doing too much. Yeah. So I've seen all of this 1298 01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:32,479 Speaker 1: stuff for ever. I mean i've been I've been working 1299 01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:36,240 Speaker 1: with clients for over a decade, and it's not rare, 1300 01:10:36,280 --> 01:10:38,760 Speaker 1: it's it's it's become just sort of just sort of 1301 01:10:38,760 --> 01:10:42,120 Speaker 1: this common experience, right, and especially with our treatment model, 1302 01:10:42,720 --> 01:10:47,120 Speaker 1: with mental and behavioral healthcare treatment in the United States, 1303 01:10:47,400 --> 01:10:49,720 Speaker 1: really all over the world, it's we've got these real 1304 01:10:49,840 --> 01:10:53,280 Speaker 1: high intense levels of care, right that are so needed 1305 01:10:53,280 --> 01:10:56,760 Speaker 1: and so appropriate. But what's happening is, you know, all 1306 01:10:56,760 --> 01:10:59,599 Speaker 1: of my folks are coming home to me from these 1307 01:10:59,640 --> 01:11:01,320 Speaker 1: places and they dropped down, like you said, I'll see 1308 01:11:01,360 --> 01:11:03,920 Speaker 1: him an hour a week if I'm lucky, and there's 1309 01:11:03,960 --> 01:11:07,599 Speaker 1: too big of a gap. So I've been complaining about 1310 01:11:07,600 --> 01:11:10,559 Speaker 1: this for years and years and years. And about five 1311 01:11:10,640 --> 01:11:13,760 Speaker 1: years ago, I was on the phone with my mom, 1312 01:11:13,760 --> 01:11:17,480 Speaker 1: really upset because yet another one of my clients was relapsing, 1313 01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:21,680 Speaker 1: and I felt ethically somebody should do something about this, 1314 01:11:21,760 --> 01:11:24,240 Speaker 1: like what's going She said, honey, you talk about this 1315 01:11:24,320 --> 01:11:26,760 Speaker 1: all the time, and I said I do, and She's like, yeah, 1316 01:11:26,800 --> 01:11:29,800 Speaker 1: you're always so upset that there's not anything to help 1317 01:11:29,840 --> 01:11:32,879 Speaker 1: people with what they need, like a like an in between, 1318 01:11:33,280 --> 01:11:35,320 Speaker 1: and I said I do and she goes, yeah, So 1319 01:11:35,360 --> 01:11:39,800 Speaker 1: either you do something about it or hush. That's okay, mom, 1320 01:11:39,840 --> 01:11:44,120 Speaker 1: if that's your real name, David, all right, call me 1321 01:11:44,120 --> 01:11:46,439 Speaker 1: out of my ship. That's all right. Cool. So I'll 1322 01:11:46,479 --> 01:11:49,519 Speaker 1: hung up. And I was like, oh God, I have 1323 01:11:49,640 --> 01:11:51,280 Speaker 1: to do I have to do something. I have to do. 1324 01:11:51,360 --> 01:11:55,040 Speaker 1: There has to be something. So the answer to the 1325 01:11:55,120 --> 01:11:58,320 Speaker 1: perceived issue here I came up with what I call 1326 01:11:58,400 --> 01:12:03,479 Speaker 1: the collective. The collective is a new level of care. 1327 01:12:03,840 --> 01:12:08,520 Speaker 1: It's between higher levels of care like residential, partial hospitalization, 1328 01:12:08,520 --> 01:12:10,479 Speaker 1: I hope things like that, right, which there is such 1329 01:12:10,520 --> 01:12:15,360 Speaker 1: a need for that absolutely, and outpatient, which is just 1330 01:12:15,439 --> 01:12:19,160 Speaker 1: seen a therapist kind of regular maintenance growth like more 1331 01:12:19,240 --> 01:12:22,439 Speaker 1: more slower like slower growth, things like that. But it's 1332 01:12:22,520 --> 01:12:25,400 Speaker 1: it's it's so limited, right because we don't I mean, 1333 01:12:25,439 --> 01:12:28,160 Speaker 1: we're so overbooked and there's so much need on an 1334 01:12:28,200 --> 01:12:33,880 Speaker 1: outpatient level. So what the collective is called is e 1335 01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:36,800 Speaker 1: o P, which is extended out patient. It's and it's 1336 01:12:36,840 --> 01:12:39,879 Speaker 1: a set period of time, so it's only eight weeks, 1337 01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:45,680 Speaker 1: and the entire program it's all centered around what we 1338 01:12:45,800 --> 01:12:50,599 Speaker 1: call a social health platform. Social health is not addressed anywhere. 1339 01:12:50,600 --> 01:12:53,720 Speaker 1: Nobody's talking about it. There is research on this, but 1340 01:12:53,800 --> 01:12:58,440 Speaker 1: it's not widely used, it's not commonly practiced. And my opinion, 1341 01:12:58,520 --> 01:13:03,360 Speaker 1: what I have been seeing is so many resources for 1342 01:13:03,520 --> 01:13:08,679 Speaker 1: mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health, all the 1343 01:13:08,760 --> 01:13:11,960 Speaker 1: facets of human growth, but there's nothing to help folks 1344 01:13:11,960 --> 01:13:15,599 Speaker 1: develop socially. And that's where we're seeing the biggest deficit 1345 01:13:15,640 --> 01:13:19,360 Speaker 1: in this country right now, right is more isolation, more loneliness. 1346 01:13:19,360 --> 01:13:22,040 Speaker 1: And if it's true, if we're onto something here where 1347 01:13:22,080 --> 01:13:26,879 Speaker 1: there's so much physical, spiritual, mental and emotional health issues, 1348 01:13:28,439 --> 01:13:30,960 Speaker 1: we're peeling back all of these issues to find the 1349 01:13:31,000 --> 01:13:35,360 Speaker 1: common denominator. It's separation and its isolation and its loneliness, 1350 01:13:35,400 --> 01:13:38,120 Speaker 1: and it's mothering and it's everybody feels so alone. And 1351 01:13:38,160 --> 01:13:41,320 Speaker 1: I think we all are figuring that out. And seeing 1352 01:13:41,320 --> 01:13:45,639 Speaker 1: the fallout after and the lockdown and the separate it became, 1353 01:13:45,840 --> 01:13:50,720 Speaker 1: it became so glaringly obvious. It was too big. It 1354 01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:52,760 Speaker 1: just blew up overnight and I thought, oh my god, 1355 01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:54,519 Speaker 1: now everybody's going to see like this is what we're 1356 01:13:54,520 --> 01:13:57,639 Speaker 1: talking about, right And I just started the collective right 1357 01:13:57,640 --> 01:13:59,920 Speaker 1: before the pandemic and I'm like, oh my god, my 1358 01:14:00,080 --> 01:14:02,559 Speaker 1: dad's an attorney, and he's like a board, get out, 1359 01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:07,320 Speaker 1: shut it down. You're like, I looked at him, just 1360 01:14:07,400 --> 01:14:10,280 Speaker 1: kind of square in the eye, and I said, no, sir, no, no, 1361 01:14:11,080 --> 01:14:14,000 Speaker 1: because I feel like it was such a beautiful opportunity 1362 01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:16,439 Speaker 1: for everybody to come face to face, what what what 1363 01:14:16,479 --> 01:14:19,280 Speaker 1: we've been dealing with all along, and it blew up 1364 01:14:19,280 --> 01:14:20,800 Speaker 1: in a way that it, like you said, it could 1365 01:14:20,800 --> 01:14:23,240 Speaker 1: not be ignored. Um. So, the Collective is an eight 1366 01:14:23,320 --> 01:14:28,120 Speaker 1: week program. The groups that move through are closed, right, 1367 01:14:28,240 --> 01:14:30,880 Speaker 1: so any any group work you do at a higher 1368 01:14:30,920 --> 01:14:34,520 Speaker 1: level of care. The groups are homogenious, right, so everybody 1369 01:14:34,560 --> 01:14:36,240 Speaker 1: in there is going to be just like you, because 1370 01:14:36,240 --> 01:14:38,320 Speaker 1: again it's baby deer like, so you've got to have 1371 01:14:38,400 --> 01:14:41,840 Speaker 1: that mirrored back to you. Of course, that's absolutely what 1372 01:14:41,880 --> 01:14:44,800 Speaker 1: you needed that at that point in the process. The 1373 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:49,520 Speaker 1: collective exists and the groups are closed because it allows 1374 01:14:49,640 --> 01:14:52,840 Speaker 1: people to develop a sense of social health. Right. The 1375 01:14:52,920 --> 01:14:57,280 Speaker 1: groups are small, no more than eight people, and they're 1376 01:14:57,320 --> 01:15:00,479 Speaker 1: all mixed diagnostically, so we'll have folks in there who 1377 01:15:00,560 --> 01:15:03,800 Speaker 1: are coming home from a rehab center, were mixed with 1378 01:15:03,840 --> 01:15:06,520 Speaker 1: folks who are who are stepping up from an outpatient 1379 01:15:06,640 --> 01:15:09,599 Speaker 1: level mixed with folks who have never been in therapy before. 1380 01:15:09,720 --> 01:15:12,080 Speaker 1: We'll have people with brand new diagnoses, will have people 1381 01:15:12,080 --> 01:15:14,759 Speaker 1: with no diagnoses, will have people with substance use issues, 1382 01:15:14,760 --> 01:15:18,639 Speaker 1: people with eating disorders, and people who just feel sad. Right, 1383 01:15:19,000 --> 01:15:23,360 Speaker 1: But that's such a beautiful little microcosum of real life. 1384 01:15:23,520 --> 01:15:25,800 Speaker 1: That's real life, that's what you're talking about. It's like, 1385 01:15:25,880 --> 01:15:28,080 Speaker 1: these people don't all have to be just like me 1386 01:15:28,160 --> 01:15:30,040 Speaker 1: for me to be okay with these people. Yeah, And 1387 01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:32,000 Speaker 1: so that's what we do, and we kind of teach 1388 01:15:32,080 --> 01:15:35,840 Speaker 1: people how to manage and own and be accountable for 1389 01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:40,400 Speaker 1: themselves in their life while in connection with other people 1390 01:15:40,400 --> 01:15:43,360 Speaker 1: who are doing the same thing. And what we're finding 1391 01:15:43,520 --> 01:15:47,200 Speaker 1: is that it's it's incredible. Cat Like, the people who 1392 01:15:47,200 --> 01:15:49,680 Speaker 1: graduate this program are different human beings than the ones 1393 01:15:49,760 --> 01:15:51,840 Speaker 1: we met two months ago. And I think it's because 1394 01:15:51,840 --> 01:15:54,879 Speaker 1: they feel safe and they don't rely on the collective 1395 01:15:54,920 --> 01:15:57,400 Speaker 1: to make them feel safe. They don't rely on rely 1396 01:15:57,479 --> 01:16:01,800 Speaker 1: on therapy, they don't rely on Sobriete. It's inside of them. 1397 01:16:01,920 --> 01:16:04,040 Speaker 1: They keep that they are squarely in charge of that, 1398 01:16:04,080 --> 01:16:07,720 Speaker 1: and there's so much peace and empowerment and everything just 1399 01:16:07,760 --> 01:16:11,160 Speaker 1: kind of calms down when that moves from an external 1400 01:16:11,200 --> 01:16:14,680 Speaker 1: locus of control to an internal one. It's it's pretty profound. 1401 01:16:15,040 --> 01:16:16,800 Speaker 1: So it's it's really cool to be a part of it. 1402 01:16:17,040 --> 01:16:20,280 Speaker 1: I love the name of it, the Collective. Everybody thinks 1403 01:16:20,320 --> 01:16:23,360 Speaker 1: it's like me and the staff that were the collective, 1404 01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:27,720 Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, it's all of y'all. Yeah, it's everybody. 1405 01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:31,599 Speaker 1: It's everybody. It's all of us. We just work here. 1406 01:16:32,800 --> 01:16:35,679 Speaker 1: But the collective, it's the body of folks moving through 1407 01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:38,200 Speaker 1: this program and learning how to do community with each other. 1408 01:16:38,439 --> 01:16:41,320 Speaker 1: And then after each group graduates, after the eight weeks, 1409 01:16:41,560 --> 01:16:44,240 Speaker 1: we have this giant after care community where all of 1410 01:16:44,280 --> 01:16:46,559 Speaker 1: the groups get to be introduced to the folks who 1411 01:16:46,600 --> 01:16:49,840 Speaker 1: graduated before them, and they're continually introduced to all the 1412 01:16:49,840 --> 01:16:53,760 Speaker 1: people who graduate after them. So the network of like 1413 01:16:53,960 --> 01:16:56,960 Speaker 1: minded people can grow and grow and grow and grow, 1414 01:16:56,960 --> 01:16:59,719 Speaker 1: and they're all so different from each other, different walks 1415 01:16:59,720 --> 01:17:03,720 Speaker 1: of different socio economic backgrounds, different experiences, and it's the 1416 01:17:03,760 --> 01:17:08,280 Speaker 1: most beautiful, healing, calming. It's it's pretty incredible. It's pretty awesome. 1417 01:17:08,800 --> 01:17:11,760 Speaker 1: You know what is what I just thought of is 1418 01:17:12,560 --> 01:17:15,400 Speaker 1: did you ever go to camp as a kid? Okay, 1419 01:17:15,720 --> 01:17:19,280 Speaker 1: so I remember going to camps, and I ended up 1420 01:17:19,320 --> 01:17:22,040 Speaker 1: in college. I volunteered at these camps and that's more 1421 01:17:22,040 --> 01:17:24,320 Speaker 1: of my experience than being an actual camper. But you 1422 01:17:24,479 --> 01:17:28,720 Speaker 1: go to this place that you're connected to all these 1423 01:17:28,760 --> 01:17:33,240 Speaker 1: people that are literally so different from you, and then 1424 01:17:33,280 --> 01:17:35,760 Speaker 1: you ask yourself like, wait a second, how can I 1425 01:17:35,800 --> 01:17:39,120 Speaker 1: be like BFF with this person? You know, like this 1426 01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:41,880 Speaker 1: is so and how But then you're like, I learned 1427 01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:44,040 Speaker 1: so much from this person and I don't want to 1428 01:17:44,120 --> 01:17:46,320 Speaker 1: let go of this person. And oh my gosh, I 1429 01:17:46,360 --> 01:17:48,160 Speaker 1: never would have met this person if there wasn't a 1430 01:17:48,200 --> 01:17:50,960 Speaker 1: place like this. And like when you say social health, 1431 01:17:51,000 --> 01:17:54,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh yeah, we're so separated in that, and 1432 01:17:54,280 --> 01:17:57,320 Speaker 1: you're giving us and you're giving humans an experience to 1433 01:17:57,400 --> 01:18:00,679 Speaker 1: like go learn that we are allowed to be with people, 1434 01:18:01,120 --> 01:18:04,000 Speaker 1: like we can take our camp friends home with us, 1435 01:18:04,000 --> 01:18:05,280 Speaker 1: like they don't have to stay at camp. You can 1436 01:18:05,400 --> 01:18:06,680 Speaker 1: fell like we go to camp, and that's where you 1437 01:18:06,680 --> 01:18:09,160 Speaker 1: can be friends with people that don't look just like you, dude. 1438 01:18:09,240 --> 01:18:12,360 Speaker 1: Camp friends are everywhere. They're everywhere. There in your office, 1439 01:18:12,479 --> 01:18:15,040 Speaker 1: there at your school, they live next to their everywhere, 1440 01:18:15,439 --> 01:18:18,559 Speaker 1: because that's that's it, right, Like instead of mothering somebody 1441 01:18:18,560 --> 01:18:21,920 Speaker 1: because the shell is different, learn the skills and the 1442 01:18:21,960 --> 01:18:24,000 Speaker 1: tools to understand that. On the inside, it's it's all 1443 01:18:24,040 --> 01:18:26,000 Speaker 1: exactly the same. We just want to love and be 1444 01:18:26,040 --> 01:18:29,919 Speaker 1: loved back. That's it, and let's coexist with different shells, 1445 01:18:30,479 --> 01:18:33,599 Speaker 1: but let's connect that the squishy inside part. Yes, Oh 1446 01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:36,639 Speaker 1: my god, alright, so thank you for being here. Oh 1447 01:18:36,680 --> 01:18:38,960 Speaker 1: my god, what an honor. Thank you for having me. 1448 01:18:39,080 --> 01:18:41,760 Speaker 1: We literally could stay here for three more hours, but 1449 01:18:42,120 --> 01:18:44,840 Speaker 1: for the sake of everybody's lives, we're not going to 1450 01:18:44,960 --> 01:18:47,160 Speaker 1: do that. So thank you for being here. I'm going 1451 01:18:47,200 --> 01:18:49,639 Speaker 1: to anybody who's listening who wants to know more about Courtney, 1452 01:18:49,680 --> 01:18:51,880 Speaker 1: who wants to know more about the Collective or anything 1453 01:18:51,880 --> 01:18:54,560 Speaker 1: that we've talked about. I will put links so you 1454 01:18:54,600 --> 01:18:58,000 Speaker 1: can just click something real easy and then be shot 1455 01:18:58,120 --> 01:19:00,639 Speaker 1: right to the interwebs of where that lives and connect 1456 01:19:00,680 --> 01:19:02,160 Speaker 1: in that way. That will be in the show notes. 1457 01:19:02,360 --> 01:19:04,160 Speaker 1: So to click on wherever you're listening to, this will 1458 01:19:04,200 --> 01:19:07,000 Speaker 1: be in there, and give the Collective a follow. What's 1459 01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:13,360 Speaker 1: your Instagram handle for? It's at my Collective care Okay, amazing, wonderful. Um, 1460 01:19:13,360 --> 01:19:14,960 Speaker 1: we'd love to have you and that's going to do 1461 01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:17,200 Speaker 1: it for us. So thanks for listening if you have questions. So, 1462 01:19:17,280 --> 01:19:20,639 Speaker 1: if you guys have any questions, any feedback, anything, send 1463 01:19:20,680 --> 01:19:23,559 Speaker 1: that to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. 1464 01:19:24,000 --> 01:19:27,200 Speaker 1: Remember we do couch talks on Wednesday where I answer 1465 01:19:27,280 --> 01:19:29,760 Speaker 1: questions that you guys sent to me, which usually ends 1466 01:19:29,840 --> 01:19:32,920 Speaker 1: up me being a person who's asking questions back to you. Um. 1467 01:19:32,960 --> 01:19:35,080 Speaker 1: But if you have questions specifically about things we talked 1468 01:19:35,080 --> 01:19:38,800 Speaker 1: about in this episode, in this conversation, know that I 1469 01:19:38,920 --> 01:19:41,880 Speaker 1: welcome those. There's a lot in here, There's a lot 1470 01:19:41,960 --> 01:19:44,559 Speaker 1: that I'm about to write down. So yeah, send your 1471 01:19:44,560 --> 01:19:48,479 Speaker 1: curiosity my way, and maybe Courtney will be back here again. 1472 01:19:48,760 --> 01:19:50,760 Speaker 1: I would love it. Yes, all right By